Original subtitles

Naoto Takenaka

Where's the family of the deceased?

They're busy. I'm here in their place.

If you're cold, I can turn up the heat.

The body will decay.

- I see. Well, good night. - Good night.

Kimiko Yo

Kippei Shiina

Jinpachi Nezu

Who is it?

It's Tsuchiya.

Take it.

Next time I'll pay by bank transfer.

Nami, watch how you talk to me.

Who is that guy?

- This month's top host. - Oh, gross!

I'm joking. He's not interested in women.

He's got a mean streak wider than mine, though.

Professional Substitute "I will attend any event in your place" Tel: (03) 3370-0331

Hello, this is Jiro Kurenai's Professional Substitutes Incorporated.

Whatever it is, we do it so you don't have to.

We're unable to respond to your call at this time, please leave your name and number after the beep...

Written and Directed by Takashi Ishii

Hello?

Excuse me...

Excuse me!

You'll do anything, right?

Sure. What do you need?

I just arrived last night from Fukuoka, and I don't know Tokyo at all.

Will you show me around?

What?

Is that a problem?

If you need a guide, there are tour companies.

The office is on that side of the room; please wait over there.

I have specific places I want to go: trendy stores, gourmet restaurants, discos, Disneyland?

Trendy stores?

What the heck?

I rented the car at the airport. Although I don't think it's the most popular model now.

You haven't told me who the customer is.

Sorry, my name is Namekata.

Is Jiro Kurenai your real name? It's unusual.

No, I just use it for business.

Wow, Roppongi. It's on the television all the time. I can't remember why it's famous.

Do you want to take a spin through the neighborhood?

Do you ever come here?

Never.

Don't you like the wine?

- I'm driving. - Oh, sorry. - It's OK.

What does a professional substitute do ordinarily?

Clean up dog shit for people walking their dog...

Clean up after old people who shit themselves.

Shit, shit, shit. I feel like I'm covered in it.

I'm sorry.

It was scary...

It felt like we were going to be sucked into the bottom of the sea.

I really want to thank you.

- I'm sorry I couldn't show you a better time. - It was great.

Why do you live in such a place?

What do you mean?

It was a creepy office.

It's my home...

It's a monument to the dreams of women.

What women?

From third-world countries, looking to make a buck here.

There was Jody, Fay...

Cynthia and Gloria, all crammed into that room.

I noticed their names were still written on the beds.

One day there was a police crackdown.

They were all sent home.

They all worked so hard, compared to pampered Japanese women.

- What the hell was so creepy about it? - I'm not pampered. - I didn't say you were.

I didn't.

The rent was practically free, and I was like the superintendant.

This stew is really good.

Who needs Italian food?

There was only one of these at the store.

I wasn't wrong to buy it, was I?

I don't see the problem.

You wanted it too.

- Nope, no problem. - You can have it.

Taking it would only complicate things.

What's wrong?

Well, you have a good night.

- I'm drunk. Could you check in for me? - OK.

The kanji for my name is the same as "missing persons." Just use your office for the address.

Right.

What time should I pick you up tomorrow?

In the morning, around 10:00.

Got it.

If that's too early for you, you're welcome to stay here...

- Just kidding! - You don't look so good.

I'm not good!

When I get this drunk, I can't commit murder!

You're an ugly drunk. OK, sleep tight.

"Kill my wife"?

"Eliminate my boss"?

"Erase my past"...

Don't people make such requests?

I'll need your help again tomorrow.

Good night.

Who am I?

Sorry to meet you so late.

What did you need to talk about?

Are you here with another man?

Is the club doing all right?

Not particularly.

Business went sour went the bubble burst.

Who are you here with?

You're here to break up with me, aren't you?

How many times do you plan to break up with me?

I've already broken up with you...

You just get in the way.

No, I don't.

I let you break up with me.

You said so, but you didn't mean it.

You look like a whore.

Have you been skanking around town looking like that?

You used to like this dress.

Is he young?

- I asked if he was young? - Please, let me go.

- I won't stop you from going wherever you want. - Thank you.

You thank me standing?

Thank you.

I can't see you.

Thank you for letting me go.

Is marriage that appealing to you?

We could run away together.

I owe some very bad people a lot of money.

Maybe we could go to the Philippines.

You want to die together?

You want to play Romeo and Juliet?

I'm fine with that.

Let's do it.

I'm ready to die anytime!

This is not a wholesome relationship.

I'll never let you go.

You're mine!

What the? It's that woman again.

Every time she goes on a vacation, you turn up at my door...

don't ya, buddy?

I'm going to Disneyland tomorrow.

You want to come too?

No dice - it's a date.

She's pretty... but her clothes were a bit loud.

Still, I liked her.

Jody and Fay would be jealous.

Oh! You're a girl, too.

Nami...

Nami, do you really hate me that much?

I won't die alone.

I have to return home right away.

I have quite a bit of luggage, so please arrange for a shipping service to collect it.

I'll leave the money and the address at the front desk.

Thank you.

She's gone.

Her address isn't here.

100,000... it's too much.

Is this the luggage she was talking about?

Fucking ridiculous...

You gotta put it where I can find it.

Yes... yes...

I'd like to stay another night.

No, the room doesn't need cleaning.

They saw my face at the front desk.

A police sketch will go out.

I'm in deep on this one.

He might not fit...

It's no good.

God, he's heavy!

- It's smoking! What's in it? - Nothing, don't worry about it.

It's cold! Is there a frozen body inside?

This job is killing me... It's a bunch of high-end goods.

Oh, this? You'd have to be a princess to buy everything I have.

The key is to rent what you need. See you later!

Hi, I'm looking to hire out a Mercedes Benz.

You don't? Thanks.

Who's there?

It's the police. Sorry to bother you so late.

What is it?

Could you open up the door, please?

What do you want?

What are you looking?

- Where is he? - You're...

- You used his name. - I don't... - Namekata.

What are you talking about?

Nami called him to meet at a hotel last night.

Both of them disappeared.

He wouldn't stay at a hotel without telling me.

When checking in, a man with her wrote this address.

That man would be you, I imagine.

Are you running a costume rental store here? This is weird.

- This guy and Nami? - I'm worried.

She was a dangerous girl.

- I'm busy now. - So what?

Have you known him long?

Or is this related to Nami?

I have no clue what you're talking about.

Get out, you're not a cop.

What was that for?

What's your angle?

What is this?

Are you running a hostel or something?

Breaking into people's homes and tearing them apart...

You're a pesky old fart!

Unbelievable!

Where does Nami live?

The address!

That's where she is...

Quit fucking around!

I won't let you have him.

Don't forget it.

I got the Kanto Kotomosu gang backing me.

This isn't over yet. You're going to tell me everything.

Looks like he took you in, too.

- His dad's an ordinary office grunt, I hear. - My older brother is inheriting the club.

- Hirose, you haven't introduced me to your fianc? - You haven't met?

- Honey. - Yes?

This is Kashiwara... She's the daughter of the owner of the Ginza club.

- This is Nami Tsuchiya. - Pleased to meet you.

Likewise... She's very pretty.

- She looks like someone. - Who? - Your mom.

Really?

They're a more affable bunch than what you're used to.

- Yeah, it's fun. - Drink up. - Yes.

Oh, god!

I can't stand up...

Who am I?

I know being divorced is a strike against you, but that girl's no spring chicken.

- How old is she? - She's three years my senior.

- Where's she from? - Does that really matter?

Hey, you have one? License plate number Shinagawa-03-WA-5974.

I'm Muraki from the Public Safety Division. I'll be right over.

- Good morning. - See you later.

God, it's cold.

Nami Tsuchiya...

Rental Agreement

- Can I borrow this? - Sure.

- Where did Miss Tsuchiya move to? - Miss Tsuchiya?

I wouldn't know.

She lied about being from Fukuoka, her name, even her car.

She didn't even look like her driver's license photo.

What?

Her name, the car, her clothes, the bag, the jewels.

The key is to rent what you need. See you later!

- What was the date? - June 28.

How about something like this?

When would I wear something like that?

For wedding receptions and the like.

Detective, I think this is it.

Nami Tsuchiya

"Tokiwa Tokyo Product Center".

Tokiwa Tokyo Product Center

- Good night. - See you tomorrow.

Hello, Nami.

You forgot to give me the forwarding address, so I brought your luggage here.

There's a certain young man I want you to talk to for me.

Tell him I'm just a tour guide.

I left the room at 10 P.M. and I don't know what happened after that.

I should have been in bed dreaming about Mickey Mouse...

What is this?

Take your luggage.

I'm sorry, I have to meet a friend.

It's fresh now, but it won't keep.

You have to take it.

Don't you want to check the contents?

Nami, maybe I should show it to that young fella.

I'll call you after I talk to the Kanto Kotomosu gang.

Go ahead.

I'll go once your luggage is properly delivered.

Where shall I put it?

There's not much room. Just put it here.

Do you want anything to drink? Have you eaten?

I'm not a hit man. Why did you come to me?

This is all I have.

What the hell are you trying to pull off?

I'm involved now, too.

My services don't extend to murder.

- I'm sorry. - Sorry isn't enough.

You've got ice water in your veins.

You did it, didn't you?

Just say you didn't do it.

"Officer, when I woke up the body was there. I was scared."

I killed him.

It was planned - not very well though, I'm afraid.

Why me?

I saw your sign...

I could imagine your face.

Then when I called, your voice was so gentle.

Don't hand me that malarkey!

I'm sorry. I didn't realize you'd be attacked.

I wonder if Namekata is all right after three days.

I packed it full of dry ice, but I doubt it.

Won't it leak through?

I packed him in three garbage bags, but it still reeks.

I'm sorry.

Give me the beer.

His name was Namekata.

- The young man was Sendo. - I didn't ask.

- I'm just a professional substitute returning a piece of lost luggage. - But?

You had best think of your next move.

Give yourself up.

Who's there?

It's him...

Mr. Namekata, just pay the interest.

I told you, the owner isn't here.

If he can't pay, my son will have to go to a public high school.

It won't just be the end of my career - me and my family will commit suicide.

- Go ahead and do it. - Mr. Namekata!

I told you, he's not here.

I don't care if you and your family kill yourselves.

Get out!

Get the fuck out!

It can't be helped.

Asshole!

Please leave your name and number after the beep...

It's me...

I'm sorry to bother you again,

but I was wondering if you'd serve as my professional substitute again.

Call me...

...but I was wondering if you'd serve as my professional substitute again.

Call me on 0423-66-1833.

Stay away from this one.

Mr. Kurenai?

I've been looking for you.

- Get out! - I found your address in his room.

He's not here.

Where is he? You don't want him.

- What's that stink? - Please leave.

I'm not going anywhere until you tell me everything.

- I have to go shopping. - Go ahead.

What is it?

Is it you?

You smell like shit! You shitbag!

It's probably those herbs.

No, it's not.

Get out, it's just the garbage. Cut that out!

It smells like when mom died.

There was something here just a second ago...

What did you do?!

What the fuck do you want!

Wait, Hirose!

Come over here.

Please leave your name and number after the beep...

Hey, professional substitute, I'm at Nami's place now.

Get the fuck over here, I want to clear this matter up. She blames you for killing him.

- That's a lie. - Shut up!

It's got nothing to do with me...

They just killed each other. I've had enough.

- Excuse me. - What do you want?

I want to buy a Tokarev (a type of gun).

Wait here a minute.

Hey, knucklehead, come here.

We ain't got that kind of hardware.

My life's in danger. Where can I buy one?

Where? How much do you got?

About 100,000.

- In cash? - Of course.

Wait here a minute.

- That man just took my money. - Who?

- That guy who was just here. - I don't know him.

- You were just talking to him. - I said, I don't know him!

You were whispering in his ear and he gave you my 100,000.

What the fuck are you trying to pull, egghead?

Ladybug Members only

Kenzo...

Kenzo... it's me.

I don't believe it...

Tetsuro? Long time, no see, babycakes! Come in, come in.

He's a friend.

What happened to your face?

I'm sure you weren't born that way! Have a seat.

How many years has it been? Almost twenty.

- You were class president. - Just for a year.

- What are you having? - Beer.

It looks like you've fallen on hard times.

- You're pretty. Just like I heard. - I'm just an old maid.

If you had told me that 20 years ago behind the gymnasium,

I'd probably be your wife now!

I can't believe you're the same age.

He's my friend, from junior high. He was at the head of the class.

He went to a good university and joined a good company.

But he started out with me and the other dunderheads.

The same school: one joined the ranks of the elite, the other turned queer.

Who the hell are you to talk?

Do you work around here?

- Yeah, uh, just a beer... - Why? This is good stuff.

I don't have any money... I need a favor.

What? I don't have any money to buy stocks.

I need one of these.

Ooh, you don't say? What about mine?

I have around 100,000.

- How many tonight? - Four of us. - Have a seat, darling.

Do you have the money?

- Come back in two hours. - I owe you.

Kenzo, it's me.

Kenzo!

Did you get it?

- The bar's closed. - The gun? - We're closed.

Get rid of him and come back here!

Get out of here!

- If that's how it is, give me back my money! - Let go of me!

- Oh, it's him. The guy looking for a piece. - Who the fuck are you?

He's a Goddamn amateur!

You rich fucking parasite! You only smile for your rich friends!

Well, now I'm going to wipe that smile off your face!

Who's the smart one now?

Come on, let's grab another drink.

You're wrong...

I quit? I quit the company a long time ago.

If I don't save her?

If I just run away, I can never again?

I've been waiting for fucking hours.

Where's the bag?

It smelled.

You're two cold-blooded motherfuckers!

Would you like to explain?

Nami didn't have anything to do with this.

Namekata wanted to commit suicide together with her.

He was unhappy at the club.

She said no, so they bickered,

it escalated, and Namekata's throat got cut.

Nami panicked and called me to dispose of the body, after seeing an advertisement on the train.

If that was really what happened, you could have called the police.

He had needle tracks on his arms... You would've been pinched too.

Bullshit, the slut had an open cesspool of reasons to off my brother.

- No, she didn't. - Let's ask her. - There's no need.

Don't talk down to me, motherfucker!

What are you doing with your hand?

Show me.

Show me!

I'm not fucking around here, asshole.

You were raped when you were 15, weren't you?

I don't need to hear this.

She grew up in the same town as my brother.

When rumors of the rape started to spread, she moved to Tokyo.

- My brother was here at the time, so he found her. - I don't need to hear this!

The rapist threatened to expose her, to tell people that she wanted it.

For some reason, she blamed him.

It sounds like she had plenty of reasons.

That's the long and the short of it.

There ain't no in between.

They were together for 10 years.

- He saved her ass more times than I can count. - That's a lie! - Shut up, pig!

I'll leave you a stain on this fucking mattress!

I haven't slept...

My mind is cloudy...

and I just want to go on shooting.

Do it - you'll blow your own fucking hands off!

Now I know you're in on this with her.

I'm going to kill both of you.

Try it.

Son of a bitch!

Get out.

What?

Get out and don't try to contact Nami again.

Hello, this is Jiro Kurenai Professional Substitute Services. Whatever it is, we do it so you don't have to.

Please repeat your request, I didn't quite catch it...

I wasn't raped.

It doesn't matter.

It was right in the middle of the bubble economy.

I was threatened by a bleak, unhappy existence in the brightest point during this country's postwar history.

That day, I wanted a taste of the joy I missed out on.

He took 100,000 - 200,000 from me every month.

He could spend it gallivanting, in a single evening.

"It's the one thing that keeps me from wanting you to leave," he'd say.

I shouldn't speak of it so lightly; it was a big part of my paycheck.

When I was 10, my homeroom teacher touched me.

I asked the toughest kid in school what I should do.

I wanted revenge.

Then, when we were in high school, he spread it around.

I tried to explain, but no one understood.

What's wrong? Open the door.

Where are you going?

I had romantic notions about him.

Don't! Stop!

Nami, open the door! Open up!

Nami, open the door!

Open the damn door! Open it!

You have to open the door!

I'll call an ambulance.

What brings you here?

My understanding was that I was never to see you again.

Come on in.

You're not going to tell me I forgot something at your place, are you?

I'll turn myself in.

To the police? Don't. Not for him.

That guy you were with will have to go to prison for illegal possession of a firearm and attempted murder.

I'm not trying to get back at anyone, so don't take it out on Jiro.

You came all the way here to tell me that?

Good night.

Hold on!

Sit down, we're going to talk.

It's nothing unpleasant.

You want a tipple of his favorite champagne?

We can drink to him.

Now that he's gone, I'm running the show

The assets, the bills - they're all mine now.

I'm up to my eyebrows with the loansharks,

but if I had you hostessing here, we could probably make a go of it.

You and me are two of a kind.

We're both dupes to vicious rumors and this is our chance to get out from under that.

Mr. Namekata, Mr. Namekata...

Look, old man, I'm getting the money together, and I'll pay you real soon.

Mr. Namekata.

You reeking sack of?

- She's here, after all. - Nami, get out of here!

My mother hanged herself.

The funeral costs were out of this world.

Plus, there was the cost of this pistol. Then, there's this yakuza punk...

Jiro...

Good evening. I'd like to request your services.

I was worried about you...

I tried phoning, but the line had been disconnected.

I'm sorry, I've been nothing but trouble.

Right, what is it?

This is Jiro Kurenai Professional Substitute Services. Whatever it is, we do it so you don't have to.

Put your umbrella in the stand and come inside.

It's true. Beds for Jody, Fay, Cynthia, and Gloria.

Sorry, I was just cleaning.

I'll put the vacuum cleaner away.

I'd like you to be my substitute lover.

- Huh? - Is that a "no"?

What?

I'm not asking you to marry me.

I'll call when I'm lonely.

Just talk to me, late at night.

I'm speechless.

And you can call me anytime, day or night.

I'll do it. And I'll give you a good price.

Jiro... kiss me.

Turn out the light.

I'm Muraki...

Tetsuro Muraki...

that's my real name.

I quit my job and spent my savings to open a store to do anything for anyone.

I felt lost and like I couldn't find my way back...

but since I've met you, I feel like I've got another chance.

Enough of this grim talk.

We've got a new lease on life.

I've got a trick I save for special occasions.

My inner ear balance is inherently superior.

I can't get dizzy. Watch.

1-2-3-4-5-6-7-8-9-10-11-12-13-14-15-16.

1-2-1-2-1-2-1-2-1-2-1-2-1-2.

I've been able to do that since I was a little nipper.

Nami, what's the matter?

Nami.

Nami! What's wrong? Nami!

It was good... do it again.

Oh, God! I'll call an ambulance.

Translated by scannon & kozue Timed by lordretsudo for ADC