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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:01,680 --> 00:00:03,470 I love this country. 2 00:00:03,560 --> 00:00:07,220 My candidacy begins right now! 3 00:00:09,220 --> 00:00:10,270 Mike McLintock... 4 00:00:10,810 --> 00:00:11,956 - I know who you are. - BuzzFeed magazine... 5 00:00:11,980 --> 00:00:13,500 - Uh-huh. Okay. - Print edition. Okay. 6 00:00:14,560 --> 00:00:16,280 What would you say to someone who might ask, 7 00:00:16,350 --> 00:00:19,600 "How can they marry? They're stepsiblings?" 8 00:00:19,680 --> 00:00:21,470 I'm not her brother, and I never was. 9 00:00:21,890 --> 00:00:23,060 Except for that one year. 10 00:00:23,310 --> 00:00:24,890 I'm thinking of having this baby 11 00:00:24,980 --> 00:00:27,350 and I'm not asking anything of you, literally nothing, 12 00:00:27,430 --> 00:00:29,640 but I do want the baby to know that you're the father... 13 00:00:30,430 --> 00:00:32,030 - Okay, goodnight, Dan. - Goodnight, Amy. 14 00:00:32,770 --> 00:00:34,100 Ma'am, you need to see this. 15 00:00:34,180 --> 00:00:37,100 I believe that our country will always be a shining 16 00:00:37,310 --> 00:00:39,680 - beacon of hope. - Oh, God, he looks good. 17 00:00:45,680 --> 00:00:49,180 Now bow to your partner... 18 00:00:49,270 --> 00:00:50,826 - Bow to your partner. - Swing your partner... 19 00:00:50,850 --> 00:00:52,600 Swing your partner. 20 00:00:52,680 --> 00:00:54,980 Ben, I really don't like being told what to do. 21 00:00:55,060 --> 00:00:57,270 Well, Felix Wade is the biggest bundler in the party, 22 00:00:57,350 --> 00:00:59,220 and he loves making millionaires square dance. 23 00:00:59,310 --> 00:01:02,350 Bad news, ma'am. The US Attorney's Office in New York 24 00:01:02,430 --> 00:01:05,350 has empaneled a grand jury to investigate the Meyer Fund, 25 00:01:05,430 --> 00:01:07,286 What?! - and they're looking at Andrew as a target. 26 00:01:07,310 --> 00:01:08,866 - Swing the corner... - Around the corner. 27 00:01:08,890 --> 00:01:10,520 - Shit! Oh... Roger. - Selina, looks like 28 00:01:10,600 --> 00:01:12,060 we're swingin' together! 29 00:01:12,140 --> 00:01:13,520 I would have invited my wife, 30 00:01:13,600 --> 00:01:15,270 but she's a squirter, and that dress 31 00:01:15,350 --> 00:01:17,060 doesn't look like it's been Scotch-guarded. 32 00:01:17,140 --> 00:01:19,140 Ever the charmer, Mr. Party Chairman. 33 00:01:19,220 --> 00:01:20,980 - Roll her away... - OK, when do we get 34 00:01:21,060 --> 00:01:22,850 - the check from Felix? - End of the weekend. 35 00:01:22,930 --> 00:01:25,430 He's gonna make you official at the final dinner. 36 00:01:25,520 --> 00:01:27,080 For that amount of money to my campaign, 37 00:01:27,140 --> 00:01:28,770 I'll do-si-do for his do-si-dough. 38 00:01:28,850 --> 00:01:30,470 And give yourself a hand! 39 00:01:32,890 --> 00:01:37,180 Welcome to my 16th Annual Discovery Weekend. 40 00:01:37,270 --> 00:01:39,060 We're here in Aspen 41 00:01:39,140 --> 00:01:42,020 to build bridges to the future. 42 00:01:42,100 --> 00:01:44,390 Bridges made of ideas. 43 00:01:44,470 --> 00:01:45,956 No wonder the rest of the world hates us. 44 00:01:45,980 --> 00:01:46,980 Gayle King is here! 45 00:01:47,060 --> 00:01:48,640 Oh, my God. 46 00:01:48,730 --> 00:01:50,390 But you're not here 47 00:01:50,470 --> 00:01:52,180 just to innovate entrepreneurial solutions 48 00:01:52,270 --> 00:01:55,470 to the problems of tomorrow... You wanna square dance! 49 00:01:55,560 --> 00:01:57,180 I'm done with this. 50 00:02:01,060 --> 00:02:02,770 I've waited a long time for this. 51 00:02:02,850 --> 00:02:04,890 I guess Felix Wade always thought I was... 52 00:02:04,980 --> 00:02:07,930 - A lightweight? - Goddamnit, I hate that word. 53 00:02:08,020 --> 00:02:10,520 - Why? You're so skinny. - N... Oh. Yeah. 54 00:02:10,600 --> 00:02:12,600 Ma'am. Ma'am. I ran a little intel, 55 00:02:12,680 --> 00:02:14,640 and apparently the secret to Felix Wade 56 00:02:14,730 --> 00:02:16,930 is to always repeat the last two sentences that he says. 57 00:02:17,020 --> 00:02:19,220 Oh, come on. That is idiotic. 58 00:02:19,310 --> 00:02:21,350 - That's what I said. - Is he really that insecure? 59 00:02:21,430 --> 00:02:24,810 Come on, that is idiotic. He's really that insecure? 60 00:02:24,890 --> 00:02:27,100 - Right? Gary gets it. - Madam President. 61 00:02:27,180 --> 00:02:28,810 - Oh, Felix! - I am thrilled 62 00:02:28,890 --> 00:02:31,850 that you finally got lured to one of our little get-togethers. 63 00:02:31,930 --> 00:02:33,470 Well, I'll tell ya a secret, 64 00:02:33,560 --> 00:02:35,850 it's the only reason I'm really running for president. 65 00:02:37,220 --> 00:02:38,470 Really? I feel like 66 00:02:38,560 --> 00:02:40,640 you should have a better reason than that. 67 00:02:40,730 --> 00:02:42,980 Uh... Um... Well... 68 00:02:43,060 --> 00:02:45,100 Felix, can I talk to you for a moment? 69 00:02:45,180 --> 00:02:46,706 It's been a delight. I will see you later. 70 00:02:46,730 --> 00:02:47,640 It has been a delight, 71 00:02:47,730 --> 00:02:48,930 and you shall see me later. 72 00:02:49,060 --> 00:02:50,850 Thank you very much. 73 00:02:50,930 --> 00:02:55,270 OK. Isn't it astounding that the next President of the United States 74 00:02:55,350 --> 00:02:58,810 is being chosen by a closeted ex-record producer? 75 00:02:58,890 --> 00:03:02,310 The Electoral College hasn't exactly been hitting it out of the park. 76 00:03:02,390 --> 00:03:05,850 And is it just me, or does Felix's friend seem a little young? 77 00:03:05,930 --> 00:03:08,470 He'll look older after Felix switches blood with him. 78 00:03:08,560 --> 00:03:10,706 Ma'am, Felix Wade's sexuality is the worst best-kept secret 79 00:03:10,730 --> 00:03:12,810 since Clyde Tolson's hysterical pregnancy. 80 00:03:12,890 --> 00:03:14,890 The man lives in a vast invisible closet. 81 00:03:14,980 --> 00:03:16,850 - Sounds amazing. - I'm gonna be sick. 82 00:03:18,220 --> 00:03:21,560 Wow. It always has to be about her. 83 00:03:21,640 --> 00:03:22,706 - Never fails. - Every time. 84 00:03:22,730 --> 00:03:24,220 Can you see if they can make me 85 00:03:24,310 --> 00:03:25,520 a specialty cocktail? 86 00:03:25,600 --> 00:03:26,930 - Of course. - Thank you. 87 00:03:38,640 --> 00:03:39,680 Gary. 88 00:03:41,310 --> 00:03:42,980 I've been having an upset stomach, 89 00:03:43,060 --> 00:03:45,730 'cause I, uh, I... I ate... 90 00:03:45,810 --> 00:03:47,020 Ohhh! 91 00:03:52,680 --> 00:03:54,220 Hey, do me a favor 92 00:03:54,310 --> 00:03:56,680 and don't say anything to anyone... 93 00:03:58,850 --> 00:04:00,020 OK... 94 00:04:02,270 --> 00:04:03,850 There it is. 95 00:04:03,930 --> 00:04:05,220 Hey, is Kim here? 96 00:04:05,310 --> 00:04:07,890 No, she got fired for sleeping with you. 97 00:04:07,980 --> 00:04:09,770 Buzzfeed runs a notoriously tight ship. 98 00:04:09,850 --> 00:04:11,270 I should probably thank you. 99 00:04:11,350 --> 00:04:14,470 You are lookin' at the new Deputy Senior Editor. 100 00:04:14,560 --> 00:04:16,076 They're puttin' me up, and all I gotta do 101 00:04:16,100 --> 00:04:17,930 is sit on some panel for new media innovators. 102 00:04:18,020 --> 00:04:19,770 What do you know about new media, 103 00:04:19,850 --> 00:04:22,430 Mike29748@aol.com? 104 00:04:22,520 --> 00:04:23,770 Oh, no. I got hacked. 105 00:04:23,850 --> 00:04:25,930 It's Mike53729. 106 00:04:26,020 --> 00:04:27,730 Still @aol though, right? 107 00:04:27,810 --> 00:04:29,180 - Until I die. - Right. 108 00:04:29,270 --> 00:04:31,020 Ma'am. Ma'am, ma'am. Guess what? 109 00:04:31,100 --> 00:04:32,850 - Amy's bulimic. - What?! 110 00:04:32,930 --> 00:04:34,680 - Well, it's about time. - Yeah! 111 00:04:34,770 --> 00:04:36,366 And I'll tell ya something, she might want to consider 112 00:04:36,390 --> 00:04:38,470 a little more purging, a little less bingeing. 113 00:04:38,560 --> 00:04:40,770 God, that girl can't do anything right. 114 00:04:40,850 --> 00:04:42,980 - Ma'am, I am so sorry... - Amy, you got 115 00:04:43,060 --> 00:04:45,060 some vomit on your mustache. 116 00:04:45,140 --> 00:04:47,430 What the Rocky Mountain fuck?! 117 00:04:47,520 --> 00:04:50,640 Ben! I thought I was the only candidate invited to this thing. 118 00:04:50,730 --> 00:04:53,350 - So I was told. - So why don't you go find out? 119 00:04:53,430 --> 00:04:55,310 I'm gonna shut it down, ma'am. 120 00:04:55,390 --> 00:04:57,020 Uh... Tom! 121 00:04:57,100 --> 00:04:59,680 Look what the Gulfstream dragged in. 122 00:04:59,770 --> 00:05:04,100 Gosh, I didn't see a TED talk for fake folksiness on the schedule. 123 00:05:04,180 --> 00:05:05,470 4:30. 124 00:05:05,560 --> 00:05:07,350 Kent, can you remind me real quick, 125 00:05:07,430 --> 00:05:10,180 how many points am I beating Tom by? 126 00:05:10,270 --> 00:05:12,470 Des Moines Register says 18 points. 127 00:05:12,560 --> 00:05:14,430 Ooh, 18 points! Oh, my goodness! 128 00:05:14,520 --> 00:05:16,350 That makes me moister than an oyster. 129 00:05:16,430 --> 00:05:18,600 - Plus or minus four points. - OK, still pretty moist. 130 00:05:18,680 --> 00:05:21,196 Although a lot of Iowans no longer have landlines. - It's fine. 131 00:05:21,220 --> 00:05:22,980 Senator James, we need to keep moving. 132 00:05:24,100 --> 00:05:25,930 Ma'am. 133 00:05:26,020 --> 00:05:28,810 Good Lord, what's up with Frigid Von Pole-Up-Her-Ass? 134 00:05:28,890 --> 00:05:31,600 That is my Deputy Chief of Staff, Michelle York. 135 00:05:31,680 --> 00:05:32,850 She's basically my Amy. 136 00:05:32,930 --> 00:05:34,890 - Well, my Amy has bulimia. - Yeah. 137 00:05:34,980 --> 00:05:37,640 - No one likes a braggart, Selina. - Tom, what are you doing here? 138 00:05:37,730 --> 00:05:39,850 Just an old friend of Felix's, and I guess he thought 139 00:05:39,930 --> 00:05:42,020 I might enjoy a weekend in Aspen. 140 00:05:42,100 --> 00:05:45,470 - Uh-huh. - Make some... new friends. 141 00:05:48,850 --> 00:05:51,520 - Good morning, jerk-offs. - Morning, ma'am. 142 00:05:51,600 --> 00:05:53,390 Ma'am, apparently last night 143 00:05:53,470 --> 00:05:57,640 Tom and Felix ended up closing down the Casamigos Tequila Ideas Bar together. 144 00:05:57,730 --> 00:06:01,270 Now Felix's people are saying that he wants to choose between you and Tom. 145 00:06:01,350 --> 00:06:03,640 Oh, come on. Son of a dick! 146 00:06:03,730 --> 00:06:06,220 I want all eyes on Tom now. 147 00:06:06,310 --> 00:06:08,470 He cannot spend another second with Felix 148 00:06:08,560 --> 00:06:10,140 without me jammed in between 'em 149 00:06:10,220 --> 00:06:12,560 like the cross-piece on an Eiffel Tower three-way. 150 00:06:12,640 --> 00:06:14,600 MMF. The Devil's threesome. 151 00:06:14,680 --> 00:06:16,116 Isn't that Senator Talbot over there? 152 00:06:16,140 --> 00:06:18,220 She used to run the SDNY. 153 00:06:18,310 --> 00:06:21,560 She might be able to help us with the Andrew situation. - Yeah. 154 00:06:21,640 --> 00:06:24,470 Gary, go and get her for me right now. 155 00:06:24,560 --> 00:06:27,560 I actually consider her to be a bit of a protégée. 156 00:06:27,640 --> 00:06:29,770 - Does she know that? - Thought I was your protégée. 157 00:06:29,850 --> 00:06:33,270 - No, you're Ben's protégée. - Not a very good one. 158 00:06:33,350 --> 00:06:35,270 You know something, ma'am? Senator Talbot 159 00:06:35,350 --> 00:06:37,116 might not be a terrible choice for a running mate. 160 00:06:37,140 --> 00:06:39,680 An all-female ticket? I don't think so. 161 00:06:39,770 --> 00:06:42,930 The American people work hard for a living, OK? 162 00:06:43,020 --> 00:06:44,770 They don't need that kind of bullshit! 163 00:06:44,850 --> 00:06:46,560 - Ma'am, Senator Talbot. - Madam President. 164 00:06:46,640 --> 00:06:48,770 Kemi! Oh, my God, my protégée! 165 00:06:48,850 --> 00:06:51,390 - Oh! Very nice to meet you. - Nice to meet you, too. 166 00:06:51,470 --> 00:06:52,930 - I'm Amy... - Oh, no, no! You! 167 00:06:53,020 --> 00:06:54,980 - How are things on the Hill? - Crazy as ever. 168 00:06:55,060 --> 00:06:57,930 Did Senator Isles try and... grab your ass? 169 00:06:58,020 --> 00:07:01,020 Oh, yeah. - He used to say that mine was like a candy apple. 170 00:07:01,100 --> 00:07:02,680 Mmm. 171 00:07:02,770 --> 00:07:04,786 Actually, Senator Isles is under investigation right now, so... 172 00:07:04,810 --> 00:07:06,640 For what? 173 00:07:06,730 --> 00:07:08,100 For the inappropriate... 174 00:07:08,180 --> 00:07:10,980 Oh, yeah, right. 'Cause that's bad now. 175 00:07:11,060 --> 00:07:13,220 Ma'am, Tom James is on the move. 176 00:07:13,310 --> 00:07:14,850 I... So good to see you! 177 00:07:14,930 --> 00:07:16,770 So good to see you, Madam President. 178 00:07:16,850 --> 00:07:18,100 Just... Yeah. 179 00:07:21,180 --> 00:07:22,930 Oh, look at you outside! 180 00:07:24,890 --> 00:07:26,600 - Oh, Tom! - Are you all right? 181 00:07:26,680 --> 00:07:29,100 Wow, that is so incredible! I did not see you there. 182 00:07:29,180 --> 00:07:32,020 Well, that's funny that you sprinted around the entire deck 183 00:07:32,100 --> 00:07:34,430 to just bump into me sight unseen. 184 00:07:34,520 --> 00:07:37,140 So, uh, I heard you had a very big night 185 00:07:37,220 --> 00:07:38,640 with Felix last night. 186 00:07:38,730 --> 00:07:40,310 You really should have been there. 187 00:07:40,390 --> 00:07:41,746 One thing I've learned in politics, 188 00:07:41,770 --> 00:07:44,310 a lot of the best stuff happens afterhours. 189 00:07:44,390 --> 00:07:46,470 Oh, is that so, Captain Morgan? 190 00:07:46,560 --> 00:07:48,200 Thank you so much for man-telling me that. 191 00:07:48,270 --> 00:07:51,140 I believe the word you're fumbling for is "mansplaining." 192 00:07:51,220 --> 00:07:54,180 Man... OK... splain... Senator, we have to go. 193 00:07:54,270 --> 00:07:56,390 Madam President. 194 00:07:56,470 --> 00:07:57,770 Yeah. 195 00:07:58,810 --> 00:08:00,560 I got a picture. 196 00:08:00,640 --> 00:08:02,180 Of what? 197 00:08:02,270 --> 00:08:03,730 Of his Amy? 198 00:08:03,810 --> 00:08:05,270 His who? 199 00:08:05,350 --> 00:08:06,560 His Amy. 200 00:08:06,640 --> 00:08:08,680 - Ma'am, I don't see it. - Seriously? 201 00:08:08,770 --> 00:08:10,060 With this? And the... 202 00:08:10,140 --> 00:08:11,850 No, ma'am, I got a picture of his schedule. 203 00:08:11,930 --> 00:08:15,020 Presentation on compost at the Treehouse Theater, 9:00 a.m. 204 00:08:15,100 --> 00:08:17,350 Felix will be there with him. OK, I'm... 205 00:08:17,430 --> 00:08:20,180 Amy, seriously, I know I rarely say this, 206 00:08:20,270 --> 00:08:22,680 - but that was really... - O... K. 207 00:08:22,770 --> 00:08:25,930 - Did you see what she had for breakfast? - Yeah. 208 00:08:26,020 --> 00:08:28,390 And I bet she had a breakfast before that breakfast. 209 00:08:28,470 --> 00:08:29,930 There is no doubt about that. 210 00:08:30,020 --> 00:08:31,390 OK, let's go to compost. 211 00:08:31,470 --> 00:08:33,680 - OK? What is compost? - I don't... 212 00:08:33,770 --> 00:08:35,980 What I think we'd really like to get at, Congressman, 213 00:08:36,060 --> 00:08:38,270 is, what sets you apart from the other candidates? 214 00:08:38,350 --> 00:08:41,470 Well, for one thing, uh, I have a lot of new ideas. 215 00:08:41,560 --> 00:08:42,850 Oh. 216 00:08:44,470 --> 00:08:46,850 And what are some of those new ideas? 217 00:08:46,930 --> 00:08:49,850 Well, science tells us that it will be difficult... 218 00:08:49,930 --> 00:08:53,730 but within five years, I want America... 219 00:08:53,810 --> 00:08:56,470 to put a man on Ellen DeGeneres. 220 00:08:56,560 --> 00:08:58,100 Up top! 221 00:09:01,310 --> 00:09:03,810 - Thank you, Richard. - I didn't think you'd do that one. 222 00:09:03,890 --> 00:09:05,520 It's pretty good, right? 223 00:09:05,600 --> 00:09:07,930 - It's great, thank you. - She's a lesbian. 224 00:09:08,020 --> 00:09:09,180 - No, we get it. - Right. 225 00:09:09,270 --> 00:09:10,680 - We get the joke. - OK. 226 00:09:10,770 --> 00:09:12,640 Congressman Ryan, I'd like you to address 227 00:09:12,730 --> 00:09:14,810 some rumors that have been circulating online 228 00:09:14,890 --> 00:09:16,350 that you made inappropriate advances 229 00:09:16,430 --> 00:09:18,140 toward a female staffer on Capitol Hill. 230 00:09:18,220 --> 00:09:20,930 I'm sorry. Derek, can we have a minute? 231 00:09:21,020 --> 00:09:22,890 Just one moment. 232 00:09:22,980 --> 00:09:24,930 Apparently, 233 00:09:25,020 --> 00:09:26,600 there's been an anonymous posting 234 00:09:26,680 --> 00:09:29,430 about a "dead-eyed, lantern-jawed, 235 00:09:29,520 --> 00:09:30,890 one-and-done Congresstard" 236 00:09:30,980 --> 00:09:33,850 who acted in a sexually inappropriate manner? 237 00:09:33,930 --> 00:09:36,020 - Well, that could be anybody. - Sounds like you. 238 00:09:36,100 --> 00:09:39,730 Jonah, who have you traumatized? Start with the doctor who delivered you. 239 00:09:39,810 --> 00:09:42,430 - I haven't traumatized anyone. - There was your aide, Emma Gray. 240 00:09:42,520 --> 00:09:45,350 Oh, Schnozz? She was stuck up, I was just callin' her on it. 241 00:09:45,430 --> 00:09:47,100 Congresswomen Troy and Vasconi. 242 00:09:47,180 --> 00:09:48,700 Oh, Monster Tits and Monster Tits, Jr.? 243 00:09:48,730 --> 00:09:51,520 But all I did there was express some genuine concern 244 00:09:51,600 --> 00:09:54,100 that they had bras big enough to handle all that meat. 245 00:09:54,180 --> 00:09:55,656 At the Congressional Prayer Breakfast. 246 00:09:55,680 --> 00:09:57,680 Yeah. It was exactly what Jesus would have done. 247 00:09:57,770 --> 00:09:59,060 I mean, he's a man too, Teddy. 248 00:09:59,140 --> 00:10:01,220 OK, listen. Jonah... 249 00:10:01,310 --> 00:10:02,810 if anyone asks, 250 00:10:02,890 --> 00:10:04,810 tell 'em you've been chemically castrated. 251 00:10:04,890 --> 00:10:06,470 It's very easy to lie about. 252 00:10:06,560 --> 00:10:08,140 Believe me, nobody checks. 253 00:10:08,220 --> 00:10:09,220 OK. 254 00:10:12,140 --> 00:10:14,560 Well, that was a waste of time. Here's some Purell. 255 00:10:14,640 --> 00:10:16,100 I need, like, a tub of this stuff. 256 00:10:16,180 --> 00:10:18,140 - Where have you been? - Tom and Felix 257 00:10:18,220 --> 00:10:20,536 spent the entire morning French-braiding each other's bald spots. 258 00:10:20,560 --> 00:10:23,180 Somebody's gotta go in there and lure Felix out. 259 00:10:23,270 --> 00:10:25,020 - OK, I can... - Dan. 260 00:10:25,100 --> 00:10:26,180 - Dan. - Yeah, Dan. 261 00:10:26,270 --> 00:10:27,810 Yeah, that feels right. 262 00:10:27,890 --> 00:10:29,850 I hope he's Felix's type. 263 00:10:29,930 --> 00:10:31,310 In current gay parlance, 264 00:10:31,390 --> 00:10:33,366 Dan presents somewhere between a "wolf" and an "otter," 265 00:10:33,390 --> 00:10:34,890 some would call a "frost otter." 266 00:10:34,980 --> 00:10:36,350 It's always... 267 00:10:36,430 --> 00:10:38,246 Mr. Wade, I was wondering if I could steal steal you... 268 00:10:38,270 --> 00:10:40,060 Fly away, please, we're busy. 269 00:10:40,140 --> 00:10:43,140 - Bye, Dan. - Nice try, Grandma, 270 00:10:43,220 --> 00:10:46,180 but you aged out of Felix's demo back in the 20th century. 271 00:10:46,270 --> 00:10:48,020 Uh, I'm 39-and-a-half. 272 00:10:48,100 --> 00:10:50,180 You may want to start coloring that gray. 273 00:10:50,270 --> 00:10:52,100 Just a thought. 274 00:10:53,270 --> 00:10:54,600 Bye, now. 275 00:10:55,770 --> 00:10:58,310 - What... Dan? - I need a minute. 276 00:10:58,390 --> 00:10:59,850 - Ooh. - What's wrong with him? 277 00:10:59,930 --> 00:11:02,560 Something's going around or something, 278 00:11:02,640 --> 00:11:06,270 'cause my stomach is... - Amy, please. We all know, OK? 279 00:11:06,350 --> 00:11:08,600 And I would give you one word of advice, 280 00:11:08,680 --> 00:11:12,060 which is to try laxatives. 281 00:11:12,140 --> 00:11:13,470 I'll tell you why. 282 00:11:13,560 --> 00:11:15,890 It saves your teeth. 283 00:11:15,980 --> 00:11:17,890 Ma'am... I'm pregnant. 284 00:11:22,980 --> 00:11:24,730 Can you imagine? 285 00:11:24,810 --> 00:11:26,390 I'm pregnant. 286 00:11:26,470 --> 00:11:28,980 - That's not funny. - Now I'm gonna be sick. 287 00:11:29,060 --> 00:11:31,730 - How did that happen? - One night. With Dan. I don't... 288 00:11:31,810 --> 00:11:33,560 - Dan fucked you? - Mm-hmm. 289 00:11:33,640 --> 00:11:35,430 What, were you wearing a full-length mirror? 290 00:11:35,520 --> 00:11:37,220 That's tough, but fair. 291 00:11:37,310 --> 00:11:39,930 God Almighty, shoulda had you fixed years ago. 292 00:11:40,020 --> 00:11:42,560 Listen, I did not spend my entire life 293 00:11:42,640 --> 00:11:44,770 defending a woman's right to choose 294 00:11:44,850 --> 00:11:46,180 for you to choose this. 295 00:11:46,270 --> 00:11:47,890 Jesus Christ. 296 00:11:47,980 --> 00:11:50,180 Bravo. 297 00:11:50,270 --> 00:11:53,140 - Oh, Felix. - I can't count the number of times 298 00:11:53,220 --> 00:11:54,890 I've wanted to say the same thing. 299 00:11:54,980 --> 00:11:56,640 Do you know that there's one girl 300 00:11:56,730 --> 00:11:59,980 that worked in my office who had four kids. 301 00:12:00,060 --> 00:12:03,270 - What was she, a possum? - Actually Korean, but that's very funny. 302 00:12:03,350 --> 00:12:05,930 Selina, would you care to take a little nature walk with me? 303 00:12:06,020 --> 00:12:07,520 Oh, I would care to do that. 304 00:12:07,600 --> 00:12:09,270 Thank you. 305 00:12:09,350 --> 00:12:11,890 - No? No. - Yep. 306 00:12:11,980 --> 00:12:15,270 The thing I realized about hip hop before anyone else 307 00:12:15,350 --> 00:12:17,600 is that the artists 308 00:12:17,680 --> 00:12:19,680 would sign away the publishing rights 309 00:12:19,770 --> 00:12:22,680 for next to nothing! 310 00:12:22,770 --> 00:12:25,270 That's an incredible anecdote! 311 00:12:25,350 --> 00:12:26,770 You know, Selina, to be honest, 312 00:12:26,850 --> 00:12:28,430 I've been telling people for years 313 00:12:28,520 --> 00:12:30,310 that you're a bit of a lightweight. 314 00:12:30,390 --> 00:12:32,520 Well, O... Yes, I mean, 315 00:12:32,600 --> 00:12:35,600 I can be a bit of a... A lightweight. 316 00:12:35,680 --> 00:12:37,350 You said it, not me! 317 00:12:37,430 --> 00:12:40,600 But it takes a brave person to be able to see one's shortcomings. 318 00:12:40,680 --> 00:12:42,390 - Yeah, it does. - In this day and age, 319 00:12:42,470 --> 00:12:44,470 - it's very, very refre... - Remarkable. 320 00:12:44,560 --> 00:12:46,560 - Refreshing. - Refreshing was the word I meant. 321 00:12:46,640 --> 00:12:48,060 - Exactly. - Thank you. Yes. 322 00:12:48,140 --> 00:12:50,980 You know, we do this little thing here 323 00:12:51,060 --> 00:12:52,810 called the Marshmallow Roast Talk. 324 00:12:52,890 --> 00:12:54,826 Do you think you could throw together a few remarks? 325 00:12:54,850 --> 00:12:57,810 Because I really want to hear more of what you have to say. 326 00:12:57,890 --> 00:13:00,680 You know, I want to hear more of what you have to say. 327 00:13:00,770 --> 00:13:02,520 I would suspect that I have many guests here 328 00:13:02,600 --> 00:13:05,036 that would like to hear what I have to say about what you have to say. 329 00:13:05,060 --> 00:13:07,640 That brain of yours is fascinating to me! 330 00:13:07,730 --> 00:13:09,390 It scares me sometimes. 331 00:13:09,470 --> 00:13:11,810 Jonah, your accuser is here. 332 00:13:11,890 --> 00:13:13,810 Ms. White. Thank you... 333 00:13:13,890 --> 00:13:15,180 so much for joining us. 334 00:13:15,270 --> 00:13:18,470 The congressman has something prepared 335 00:13:18,560 --> 00:13:20,980 and very heartfelt 336 00:13:21,060 --> 00:13:22,730 he would like to say to you. 337 00:13:23,930 --> 00:13:26,140 I'm sorry, Amanda, if I behaved in a way 338 00:13:26,220 --> 00:13:28,390 that made you uncomfortable or inappropriate. 339 00:13:28,470 --> 00:13:29,930 All right? God! 340 00:13:30,020 --> 00:13:31,810 And you should try smiling more. 341 00:13:31,890 --> 00:13:34,640 We have this non-disclosure agreement 342 00:13:34,730 --> 00:13:37,220 for you to sign in exchange... 343 00:13:37,310 --> 00:13:39,060 Actually, I was hoping 344 00:13:39,140 --> 00:13:41,600 Jonah could sign my non-disclosure agreement. 345 00:13:41,680 --> 00:13:45,140 It says that as far as the law is concerned, we never dated. 346 00:13:45,220 --> 00:13:47,640 I'm sorry, there's no way I'm gonna sign that. 347 00:13:47,730 --> 00:13:49,640 You are a stone-cold, neck-down hottie. 348 00:13:49,730 --> 00:13:51,290 I want the whole world to know we dated. 349 00:13:51,350 --> 00:13:53,680 We had one working lunch, and we split the bill. 350 00:13:53,770 --> 00:13:55,680 I split the bill on all my dates. 351 00:13:55,770 --> 00:13:57,850 Why would I pay for a girl to get fatter? 352 00:13:57,930 --> 00:14:00,730 He's such a... - Ew! It was strictly professional! 353 00:14:00,810 --> 00:14:03,640 There was nothing professional about my behavior! 354 00:14:03,730 --> 00:14:05,100 Nothing happened, Mr. Ryan. 355 00:14:05,180 --> 00:14:08,220 I'm in a relationship with a good, normal man, 356 00:14:08,310 --> 00:14:10,310 who loves me. Yeah, normal. 357 00:14:10,390 --> 00:14:12,930 But if he were to find out that we even had lunch together, 358 00:14:13,020 --> 00:14:15,600 I'm not sure he'd be strong enough to stand it. 359 00:14:15,680 --> 00:14:17,890 God, Jamaican jerk Jesus, just sign this! 360 00:14:17,980 --> 00:14:19,680 No, Teddy! 361 00:14:19,770 --> 00:14:22,140 Jonah Ryan will not be silenced. 362 00:14:23,520 --> 00:14:25,140 We dated... 363 00:14:25,220 --> 00:14:27,180 and the world's gonna know that. 364 00:14:27,270 --> 00:14:30,350 Madam President, Felix is going to introduce you. 365 00:14:30,430 --> 00:14:31,890 Here's your marshmallow stick. 366 00:14:31,980 --> 00:14:34,310 Oh, that's very exciting, isn't it? OK. 367 00:14:38,020 --> 00:14:40,220 - Knock, knock. - Oh, shit. 368 00:14:40,310 --> 00:14:42,930 Just wanted to say congratulations, Selina. 369 00:14:43,020 --> 00:14:44,850 - Oh. - I did everything I could 370 00:14:44,930 --> 00:14:46,706 to get Felix to give me the marshmallow speech. 371 00:14:46,730 --> 00:14:48,100 He's not the greatest listener. 372 00:14:48,180 --> 00:14:49,600 Did you offer to blow him? 373 00:14:49,680 --> 00:14:51,100 Tut-tut, Selina. 374 00:14:51,180 --> 00:14:53,220 We do not refer to Mr. Wade's sexual orientation. 375 00:14:53,310 --> 00:14:55,470 - Sorry. - But yes. Yes, I did. 376 00:14:55,560 --> 00:14:58,020 Well, I didn't tell him you were a lousy lay. 377 00:14:58,100 --> 00:15:00,470 Probably read it in our books. 378 00:15:03,680 --> 00:15:05,220 I love you. 379 00:15:05,310 --> 00:15:08,560 I love you too, Tom. Go fuck yourself. 380 00:15:08,640 --> 00:15:10,020 - Ma'am. - Oh, yes. Yeah. 381 00:15:10,100 --> 00:15:11,270 Selina, I mean it. 382 00:15:11,350 --> 00:15:13,890 You're in my head all the time. 383 00:15:13,980 --> 00:15:16,020 You always have been and you always will be. 384 00:15:16,100 --> 00:15:18,470 - Yeah, yeah. - I love you. 385 00:15:18,560 --> 00:15:20,470 - Ma'am. - Yeah... 386 00:15:20,560 --> 00:15:22,680 - Uh-huh. Mm-hmm. - Ma'am. 387 00:15:26,600 --> 00:15:28,270 Oh, here she is! 388 00:15:28,350 --> 00:15:30,560 - Here. I can't hold this. - I can't. 389 00:15:32,430 --> 00:15:34,850 Oh, wow. Um... 390 00:15:34,930 --> 00:15:36,850 uh, thank you, Felix, 391 00:15:36,930 --> 00:15:39,470 for this incredible opportunity. 392 00:15:39,560 --> 00:15:41,810 I don't... I don't, uh, think 393 00:15:41,890 --> 00:15:43,930 it's controversial for... 394 00:15:44,020 --> 00:15:46,390 For me to say to you... 395 00:15:49,390 --> 00:15:51,180 Uh, I mean, ya know, 396 00:15:51,270 --> 00:15:53,100 um... 397 00:15:53,180 --> 00:15:57,140 the movers and shakers who confront the, uh, 398 00:15:57,220 --> 00:15:59,680 ya know, um, uh... 399 00:15:59,770 --> 00:16:02,310 challenges... 400 00:16:02,390 --> 00:16:04,390 uh, that we face, both, ya know, 401 00:16:04,470 --> 00:16:07,980 abroad and, um, and, um, um, 402 00:16:08,060 --> 00:16:09,680 ya know, at home. 403 00:16:09,770 --> 00:16:11,850 Uh, we... 404 00:16:11,930 --> 00:16:13,180 argggh! 405 00:16:13,270 --> 00:16:16,180 - What is happening here? - I have no idea. 406 00:16:16,270 --> 00:16:18,180 Ya know, leadership, ya know, 407 00:16:18,270 --> 00:16:22,850 uh, I mean, is a tricky... um... 408 00:16:22,930 --> 00:16:25,180 She's having a textbook aneurysm. 409 00:16:25,270 --> 00:16:26,680 Still looks like a goddess. 410 00:16:26,770 --> 00:16:29,730 And... and... and... and... and, uh, 411 00:16:29,810 --> 00:16:31,810 th-that's tricky. 412 00:16:31,890 --> 00:16:34,020 - Tom? - Yeah? 413 00:16:34,100 --> 00:16:36,470 - Can I talk to you just for a second? - Sure. 414 00:16:38,520 --> 00:16:41,180 OK... let me have it. 415 00:16:41,270 --> 00:16:43,930 Hey, you don't get to smile about this, OK? 416 00:16:44,020 --> 00:16:46,060 What are you, some sort of sociopath? 417 00:16:46,140 --> 00:16:49,390 That was the most humiliating experience 418 00:16:49,470 --> 00:16:53,180 I've had in my entire life, and I was Vice President 419 00:16:53,270 --> 00:16:55,600 - of the United States... - I had a heart attack. 420 00:16:55,680 --> 00:16:57,770 - What? - Eight months ago. 421 00:16:57,850 --> 00:17:01,060 Quadruple bypass, the old James ticker. 422 00:17:01,140 --> 00:17:03,730 Which, I was all for it when it killed my dad, 423 00:17:03,810 --> 00:17:06,640 but it's not so funny when the shoe's on the other ventricle. 424 00:17:06,730 --> 00:17:09,980 Which I thought you might be interested in. 425 00:17:10,060 --> 00:17:11,536 - Right. No, I think it is... - Oh, I'm sorry. 426 00:17:11,560 --> 00:17:13,390 - No, you're good. - No problem. 427 00:17:13,470 --> 00:17:15,560 - That was in Iraq, Senator James? - Afghanistan. 428 00:17:15,640 --> 00:17:17,220 In Afghanistan, OK. 429 00:17:17,310 --> 00:17:19,060 Wait a minute, what are you saying? 430 00:17:19,140 --> 00:17:21,560 I was lying there with a lot of tubes and wires 431 00:17:21,640 --> 00:17:23,560 sticking out of me, and all I could think was 432 00:17:23,640 --> 00:17:25,470 all the things I wished I'd said to you 433 00:17:25,560 --> 00:17:27,980 and things I wished I'd done, we'd done. 434 00:17:28,060 --> 00:17:30,600 I had a heart attack too. 435 00:17:30,680 --> 00:17:32,100 - What? - Mm-hmm. 436 00:17:32,180 --> 00:17:34,770 I did. Really. About a year and a half ago. 437 00:17:34,850 --> 00:17:37,310 We... We covered the whole thing up. 438 00:17:37,390 --> 00:17:40,350 We called mine a "routine prostate procedure." 439 00:17:40,430 --> 00:17:42,270 Well, yeah, men have it so easy. 440 00:17:42,350 --> 00:17:44,980 People assumed I was having a face-lift. 441 00:17:45,060 --> 00:17:46,930 And then when I did have a face-lift, 442 00:17:47,020 --> 00:17:49,220 I had to tell everybody I was visiting the troops. 443 00:17:49,310 --> 00:17:52,350 When I had my face-lift, we told people that you were having a face-lift. 444 00:18:00,390 --> 00:18:03,100 So... 445 00:18:03,180 --> 00:18:04,980 you love me? 446 00:18:06,310 --> 00:18:08,520 Maybe there's... 447 00:18:08,600 --> 00:18:09,980 an alternate universe 448 00:18:10,060 --> 00:18:11,520 where we're not in politics, 449 00:18:11,600 --> 00:18:13,470 we're just... 450 00:18:13,560 --> 00:18:15,980 unhappily married somewhere in the suburbs. 451 00:18:16,060 --> 00:18:18,470 Uh-huh. And you work at a car dealership? 452 00:18:18,560 --> 00:18:20,060 Assistant manager. 453 00:18:20,140 --> 00:18:22,470 - Oh! Look at you! - And we argue about 454 00:18:22,560 --> 00:18:24,640 how much money we're spending on landscaping, 455 00:18:24,730 --> 00:18:27,810 and I think you flirt a little too much with the kids' tennis coach. 456 00:18:27,890 --> 00:18:30,600 And then we blow each other's brain's out. - Yeah. 457 00:18:40,560 --> 00:18:42,770 Now, see, this... 458 00:18:42,850 --> 00:18:44,390 more of my bad timing. 459 00:18:46,640 --> 00:18:48,980 Unless somebody... 460 00:18:49,060 --> 00:18:51,430 drops out of the race. 461 00:18:52,470 --> 00:18:53,850 Let's face it, 462 00:18:53,930 --> 00:18:55,406 if you were the kind of woman who'd choose me 463 00:18:55,430 --> 00:18:57,180 over the presidency, 464 00:18:57,270 --> 00:19:00,470 I wouldn't want you so crazily. 465 00:19:00,560 --> 00:19:04,600 I'm gonna kick your ass all over the electoral map. 466 00:19:04,680 --> 00:19:06,100 Good night, Selina. 467 00:19:10,850 --> 00:19:12,310 Oh, God. 468 00:19:16,100 --> 00:19:18,060 Oh! There you are. 469 00:19:18,140 --> 00:19:20,640 - You saw the whole thing, didn't ya? - I did. 470 00:19:20,730 --> 00:19:25,640 How about a hot soak with a Laura Mercier bath bomb? 471 00:19:25,730 --> 00:19:26,850 Ahhhh... 472 00:19:26,930 --> 00:19:29,020 Is it gonna explode between my legs 473 00:19:29,100 --> 00:19:30,930 and make me cum until I cry? 474 00:19:32,390 --> 00:19:34,310 I think it's peppermint. 475 00:19:39,140 --> 00:19:41,640 You OK, Dan? 476 00:19:41,730 --> 00:19:44,520 Ames, am I gettin' old? I swear, I feel like I'm five minutes away 477 00:19:44,600 --> 00:19:47,180 from fiber supplements and voting in midterms. 478 00:19:47,270 --> 00:19:50,180 - I mean, we all are. - Maybe I gotta stop foolin' around. 479 00:19:50,270 --> 00:19:52,600 Maybe that's it. Maybe I gotta cut out 480 00:19:52,680 --> 00:19:55,430 all the meaningless sex with girls half my age. 481 00:19:55,520 --> 00:19:57,560 I mean, you pull it out to cum on her tits 482 00:19:57,640 --> 00:19:59,640 'cause you think it's gonna make you feel alive. 483 00:19:59,730 --> 00:20:01,370 But it doesn't matter where you cum, Ames. 484 00:20:01,430 --> 00:20:04,390 Ya know? It just doesn't. It just... 485 00:20:04,470 --> 00:20:06,020 - It doesn't. - Yeah. 486 00:20:06,100 --> 00:20:08,810 Sometimes it's good to think about the future. 487 00:20:10,600 --> 00:20:14,060 Don't know what I'd do without you. 488 00:20:15,560 --> 00:20:16,980 The future... 489 00:20:21,600 --> 00:20:22,980 OK, after last night, 490 00:20:23,060 --> 00:20:25,060 none of these masturbators of the universe 491 00:20:25,140 --> 00:20:26,470 are even looking me in the eye 492 00:20:26,560 --> 00:20:28,850 ever since Felix decided to back Tom. 493 00:20:28,930 --> 00:20:30,890 And isn't that Tom over there with your protégée? 494 00:20:30,980 --> 00:20:32,020 What? Who? 495 00:20:33,850 --> 00:20:35,850 Ooh, Tom and Kemi would be a formidable ticket. 496 00:20:35,930 --> 00:20:37,980 They could reassure people that look like him 497 00:20:38,060 --> 00:20:39,770 that their country wouldn't be ruined 498 00:20:39,850 --> 00:20:40,996 by people that look like her. 499 00:20:41,020 --> 00:20:43,220 Goddamnit! 500 00:20:43,310 --> 00:20:46,100 Take a few deep breaths first. Don't tell me how to breathe. 501 00:20:46,180 --> 00:20:48,020 Good morning. 502 00:20:48,100 --> 00:20:50,810 Hey, Felix, can I talk to you for a quick second? 503 00:20:50,890 --> 00:20:52,310 We've said everything we need to. 504 00:20:52,390 --> 00:20:54,890 Ya know? Like you repeatedly said last night. 505 00:20:54,980 --> 00:20:59,680 Well, you know how you finance guys like to talk about disrupting things? 506 00:20:59,770 --> 00:21:03,020 How about we disrupt the election? 507 00:21:04,060 --> 00:21:05,100 Scatter. 508 00:21:05,180 --> 00:21:06,470 Yeah, like now. 509 00:21:06,560 --> 00:21:09,180 - Get out. - Ohh. 510 00:21:09,270 --> 00:21:10,770 - Tell me more, Selina. - Yeah. 511 00:21:10,850 --> 00:21:11,980 I'm addicted to disruption, 512 00:21:12,060 --> 00:21:13,850 especially since I stopped using cocaine. 513 00:21:16,520 --> 00:21:17,680 You're... 514 00:21:17,770 --> 00:21:18,980 You're s... 515 00:21:19,060 --> 00:21:21,140 Um, good for you. 516 00:21:21,220 --> 00:21:24,020 Um, we, um... 517 00:21:24,100 --> 00:21:26,730 we don't wait for the convention, Felix. 518 00:21:26,810 --> 00:21:29,850 I name my running mate now. 519 00:21:29,930 --> 00:21:34,390 Even before the Iowa caucus. No one has ever done that before. 520 00:21:34,470 --> 00:21:37,520 - I love it. This is exciting. - You do? I'm excited too. 521 00:21:37,600 --> 00:21:40,520 - Was this your idea? - Yeah, but I'm gonna tell you something. 522 00:21:40,600 --> 00:21:42,020 You gave me the idea. 523 00:21:42,100 --> 00:21:43,980 I'm not shocked about that. 524 00:21:44,060 --> 00:21:46,350 Thank you for having me. 525 00:21:46,430 --> 00:21:48,220 A lot of you knew me when I was really little 526 00:21:48,310 --> 00:21:49,906 and I was just running around in diapers. 527 00:21:49,930 --> 00:21:51,680 And now here we are, 528 00:21:51,770 --> 00:21:53,680 and a lot of you are wearin' diapers. 529 00:21:56,430 --> 00:22:00,100 Well, you might all know that old chestnut, "Mother knows best"? 530 00:22:00,180 --> 00:22:02,430 Oh... I think there's a lot of truth in that. 531 00:22:02,520 --> 00:22:05,220 Jonie, look! They're talking about you on the television! 532 00:22:05,310 --> 00:22:06,470 Turn it up! 533 00:22:06,560 --> 00:22:07,770 "Lyin' Ryan." 534 00:22:07,850 --> 00:22:09,430 That's gonna stick. 535 00:22:09,520 --> 00:22:12,980 Jonah Ryan and I have not ever dated, 536 00:22:13,060 --> 00:22:15,430 nor gone on a date of any kind. 537 00:22:15,520 --> 00:22:17,100 That's not true. 538 00:22:17,180 --> 00:22:18,560 We had one meal together, 539 00:22:18,640 --> 00:22:21,100 but it was strictly professional 540 00:22:21,180 --> 00:22:23,430 and in the presence of others. 541 00:22:23,520 --> 00:22:25,730 It was really more of a group thing. 542 00:22:25,810 --> 00:22:27,140 C-Come on. 543 00:22:27,220 --> 00:22:30,220 He once tried to friend me on Facebook, 544 00:22:30,310 --> 00:22:31,890 and I did that thing 545 00:22:31,980 --> 00:22:35,060 where I never responded "yes" or "no," 546 00:22:35,140 --> 00:22:38,180 hoping... praying... 547 00:22:38,270 --> 00:22:39,640 That it would end. 548 00:22:39,730 --> 00:22:41,220 His behavior was 549 00:22:41,310 --> 00:22:43,140 completely appropriate at all times. 550 00:22:43,220 --> 00:22:45,060 Ohh, no! I was all over her! 551 00:22:45,140 --> 00:22:46,520 I got super handsy! 552 00:22:46,600 --> 00:22:48,270 For too long women have been silent 553 00:22:48,350 --> 00:22:50,680 in the face of rumors they went out with Congressman Ryan. 554 00:22:50,770 --> 00:22:53,520 But finally, people are starting to believe women, 555 00:22:53,600 --> 00:22:58,060 and I believe Amanda when she says, "Not me. 556 00:22:58,140 --> 00:22:59,850 Not. Me." 557 00:22:59,930 --> 00:23:01,180 That's catchy too. 558 00:23:01,270 --> 00:23:02,430 Felix, um, I'd like 559 00:23:02,520 --> 00:23:06,100 to introduce you to Senator, uh, Alohak... 560 00:23:06,180 --> 00:23:07,560 Oluwakemi. 561 00:23:07,640 --> 00:23:08,850 Yes. Talbot. 562 00:23:08,930 --> 00:23:11,350 Kemi is the future 563 00:23:11,430 --> 00:23:12,770 of our party. 564 00:23:12,850 --> 00:23:16,060 An... all-female ticket? 565 00:23:16,140 --> 00:23:18,430 The first one since Carter-Mondale. 566 00:23:19,680 --> 00:23:20,680 I'm not mad at that. 567 00:23:20,770 --> 00:23:22,310 - Kemi, is it? - It is. 568 00:23:22,390 --> 00:23:24,246 Would you care to take a little nature walk with Selina and me? 569 00:23:24,270 --> 00:23:26,310 - Absolutely. - I love nature. 570 00:23:26,390 --> 00:23:27,850 Mind if I tag along? 571 00:23:27,930 --> 00:23:29,270 No, Tom. 572 00:23:29,350 --> 00:23:30,680 That would be awkward. 573 00:23:30,770 --> 00:23:32,810 I've changed my mind again. 574 00:23:34,060 --> 00:23:35,680 Ya know. 575 00:23:40,560 --> 00:23:41,680 - Yeah. - I've been thinking 576 00:23:41,770 --> 00:23:43,020 a lot about what you said, 577 00:23:43,100 --> 00:23:45,890 so maybe it's time for us to settle down 578 00:23:45,980 --> 00:23:48,310 - and raise our baby, and... - I'm so sorry. 579 00:23:48,390 --> 00:23:51,890 I'm just about to fuck this really hot 19-year-old cater waitress. OK? 580 00:23:51,980 --> 00:23:54,140 Oh, and get this. Her name's Meagan. 581 00:23:54,220 --> 00:23:57,390 Ohhhh... 582 00:24:00,560 --> 00:24:03,020 Hi. Yes, I would like to schedule an appointment 583 00:24:03,100 --> 00:24:04,520 with one of your OB/GYNs. 584 00:24:06,350 --> 00:24:08,560 Yes, it's for an abortion. 585 00:24:08,640 --> 00:24:10,430 Yes, I'm sure. 586 00:24:10,520 --> 00:24:12,350 Oh, do you also do flu shots? 587 00:24:17,560 --> 00:24:18,560 Hey. 588 00:24:19,600 --> 00:24:21,220 Oh! 589 00:24:22,810 --> 00:24:24,520 Congratulations, ma'am. 590 00:24:24,600 --> 00:24:26,616 Mr. Wade has officially chosen you to sit next to him 591 00:24:26,640 --> 00:24:29,100 at tonight's farewell dinner. 592 00:24:29,180 --> 00:24:30,600 Show me some money! 593 00:24:30,680 --> 00:24:32,730 - "The." - The what? 594 00:24:32,810 --> 00:24:35,020 - The money. "Show me the..." - No. 595 00:24:35,100 --> 00:24:36,770 All right! 596 00:24:36,850 --> 00:24:38,560 Who wants some prosecco? 597 00:24:38,640 --> 00:24:40,890 No one. Literally no one ever wants prosecco. 598 00:24:40,980 --> 00:24:42,350 - Give me that. - Ma'am, 599 00:24:42,430 --> 00:24:43,956 you're gonna be drowning in money so dark 600 00:24:43,980 --> 00:24:45,980 it could get shot entering its own apartment. 601 00:24:46,060 --> 00:24:48,430 We gotta leak this everywhere, OK? 602 00:24:48,520 --> 00:24:51,680 Seriously, it's America's first two-cooter ticket. 603 00:24:51,770 --> 00:24:54,680 Look great on a button. - And Mike works for the internet now, right? 604 00:24:54,770 --> 00:24:56,930 - Tell him we got a big scoop. - Texting him now. 605 00:24:57,020 --> 00:24:58,560 I saw him earlier at the sundae bar 606 00:24:58,640 --> 00:25:00,680 struggling with the sprinkle dispenser. 607 00:25:00,770 --> 00:25:02,786 Ma'am, do you want to pick out an outfit for tonight? 608 00:25:02,810 --> 00:25:04,286 - Oh, yes. Good. - This color's actually quite strong. 609 00:25:04,310 --> 00:25:05,390 - Ma'am. - What? 610 00:25:05,470 --> 00:25:07,060 You are not going to believe it. 611 00:25:07,140 --> 00:25:09,390 Tom James is fucking Michelle. 612 00:25:09,470 --> 00:25:10,560 - Who? - Who? 613 00:25:10,640 --> 00:25:12,980 His Deputy Chief of Staff. 614 00:25:13,060 --> 00:25:15,220 - Who is that? - I don't know who that is. 615 00:25:15,310 --> 00:25:18,350 - His Amy! - Oh-ho-ho! 616 00:25:18,430 --> 00:25:19,730 What?! 617 00:25:19,810 --> 00:25:22,560 How dare that smooth shitsack 618 00:25:22,640 --> 00:25:25,890 cheat on his wife and risk his political future 619 00:25:25,980 --> 00:25:27,560 with someone that's not me? 620 00:25:27,640 --> 00:25:29,770 What about this? I think it complements 621 00:25:29,850 --> 00:25:31,560 Felix's spray tan really well. 622 00:25:31,640 --> 00:25:34,470 He doesn't give a shit. Just because Felix Wade 623 00:25:34,560 --> 00:25:37,520 is gayer than an Eames chair in assless leather chaps 624 00:25:37,600 --> 00:25:39,600 doesn't mean that he's some sort of fashion diva. 625 00:25:39,680 --> 00:25:41,560 Can you... Arrghh. 626 00:25:41,640 --> 00:25:42,930 Where is Tom James? 627 00:25:43,020 --> 00:25:44,890 Felix Wade is gay? 628 00:25:45,020 --> 00:25:46,430 Thank you, ma'am! 629 00:25:46,520 --> 00:25:48,350 Jonah, even more women are stepping forward 630 00:25:48,430 --> 00:25:49,770 to say they never dated you. 631 00:25:49,850 --> 00:25:51,680 The NotMe hashtag, blowin' up big-time. 632 00:25:51,770 --> 00:25:53,220 It's a goddamn movement. 633 00:25:53,310 --> 00:25:55,560 The good news is, our approval rating 634 00:25:55,640 --> 00:25:57,310 in New Hampshire is skyrocketing. 635 00:25:57,390 --> 00:25:59,980 Wait, hold that thought. It's upside-down. 636 00:26:00,060 --> 00:26:01,890 Maybe we should reopen the Iowa office. 637 00:26:01,980 --> 00:26:04,020 - Let's not do that. - Congressman Ryan! 638 00:26:04,100 --> 00:26:05,850 Thousands of women have joined #NotMe 639 00:26:05,930 --> 00:26:07,576 to say they've never dated you and never will. 640 00:26:07,600 --> 00:26:09,270 Thousands of unattractive women. 641 00:26:09,350 --> 00:26:12,020 - Mrs. Ryan, any comment? - I stand behind these brave, 642 00:26:12,100 --> 00:26:14,770 unattractive women who have come forward to say, "Not me." 643 00:26:14,850 --> 00:26:16,930 Once upon a time, back in high school, 644 00:26:17,020 --> 00:26:18,600 I too did not date Jonah Ryan. 645 00:26:18,680 --> 00:26:21,680 Although I did go out with his super handsome cousin Ezra. 646 00:26:21,770 --> 00:26:23,930 It's important to note they only got to third base. 647 00:26:24,020 --> 00:26:25,390 - Thank you. - No comment. 648 00:26:25,470 --> 00:26:27,100 - Ho ho ho! - Check out Buzzfeed. 649 00:26:27,180 --> 00:26:28,496 Looks like we're not the only campaign 650 00:26:28,520 --> 00:26:30,430 who farted and had to throw their pants away. 651 00:26:30,520 --> 00:26:33,310 Selina Meyer just outed Felix Wade! 652 00:26:33,390 --> 00:26:35,430 Oh. And there's another hashtag trending. 653 00:26:35,520 --> 00:26:37,270 EWtoN. No, that's upside-down. 654 00:26:37,350 --> 00:26:38,980 It's still NotMe. 655 00:26:39,060 --> 00:26:40,780 - You should lock your screen, dude. - Yeah. 656 00:26:42,020 --> 00:26:43,310 Where is Mike?! 657 00:26:43,390 --> 00:26:45,980 Where is that fat-faced, freckled fuck-it-up-agus? 658 00:26:46,060 --> 00:26:47,470 Hiding in the bathroom, ma'am, 659 00:26:47,560 --> 00:26:49,020 making pretend diarrhea noises. 660 00:26:49,100 --> 00:26:51,140 I just can't believe that that second-hand Muppet 661 00:26:51,220 --> 00:26:52,930 wrote an article that people actually read. 662 00:26:53,020 --> 00:26:54,350 Including Felix. Who, by the way 663 00:26:54,430 --> 00:26:55,980 ma'am, moved you to table 47 664 00:26:56,060 --> 00:26:57,536 along with his driver and his daughter. 665 00:26:57,560 --> 00:26:59,430 Oh. OK, well, 666 00:26:59,520 --> 00:27:01,770 I guess I need to go and congratulate him now. 667 00:27:01,850 --> 00:27:04,560 I'm gonna choke him with that giant cock of his, 668 00:27:04,640 --> 00:27:06,140 - see how he likes it. - Ahh. 669 00:27:06,220 --> 00:27:08,020 Ahem. 670 00:27:08,100 --> 00:27:10,310 - Hi there, Tom! - Hey. 671 00:27:10,390 --> 00:27:12,430 I heard you had a very busy afternoon 672 00:27:12,520 --> 00:27:14,270 working your staff to the bone. 673 00:27:14,350 --> 00:27:15,850 I'd ask what you did this afternoon, 674 00:27:15,930 --> 00:27:18,020 but I think I read something about that. 675 00:27:19,390 --> 00:27:21,770 Did Mrs. James send you to chaperone? 676 00:27:21,850 --> 00:27:23,180 - Oh, come... - Me? 677 00:27:23,270 --> 00:27:25,140 Because back in our old Senate days, 678 00:27:25,220 --> 00:27:28,470 this one here had a real thing for blond hill rats 679 00:27:28,560 --> 00:27:32,020 in Nine West pumps desperate to fuck their way to the middle. 680 00:27:32,100 --> 00:27:34,470 - Oh, boy. - But that was a long time ago, so... 681 00:27:34,560 --> 00:27:37,350 You know what I'd love is a spicy mescal margarita 682 00:27:37,430 --> 00:27:38,980 with light agave and heavy salt. 683 00:27:40,930 --> 00:27:42,680 What are you looking at him for? 684 00:27:42,770 --> 00:27:46,020 Ma'am, I'm the Senator's Deputy Chief of Staff. 685 00:27:46,100 --> 00:27:49,060 Congratulations. Then you probably won't fuck it up. 686 00:27:51,640 --> 00:27:53,390 OK. 687 00:27:53,470 --> 00:27:56,140 Watch where you're goin'! 688 00:27:56,220 --> 00:27:57,730 - Sorry, Madam President. - Uh-huh. 689 00:27:57,810 --> 00:28:00,390 - Light agave. Yes. - Yes, Madam President. 690 00:28:00,470 --> 00:28:06,270 God, I feel so sorry for whoever's stickin' their dick in that bag of mayonnaise. 691 00:28:06,350 --> 00:28:08,140 - I'm gonna go find my seat. - Yeah. 692 00:28:08,220 --> 00:28:10,810 Well, give my regards to Felix and his checkbook. 693 00:28:10,890 --> 00:28:14,810 Sadly, I am not the recipient of Mr. Wade's munificence. 694 00:28:14,890 --> 00:28:16,390 Wha... 695 00:28:16,470 --> 00:28:19,470 Well, he sure as shit didn't pick me. 696 00:28:19,560 --> 00:28:21,730 Oh, did he? Have you met Senator Talbot? 697 00:28:21,810 --> 00:28:25,350 I like to say she's the future of the party. I mean, look at her! 698 00:28:25,430 --> 00:28:27,390 Fuck me in the Aspen. 699 00:28:27,470 --> 00:28:29,310 She's running for president? 700 00:28:29,390 --> 00:28:31,140 I don't know what she is, but it's great. 701 00:28:31,220 --> 00:28:32,890 - It's great. So exciting. - It is great. 702 00:28:32,980 --> 00:28:34,770 - So exciting. - So exciting. 703 00:28:34,850 --> 00:28:38,390 The tri-racial twat stabbed me in the back! 704 00:28:38,470 --> 00:28:40,560 She really is your protégée. 705 00:28:41,730 --> 00:28:44,270 I'll see ya on the trail. 706 00:28:44,350 --> 00:28:46,390 It's so nice to be back home in Iowa. 707 00:28:46,470 --> 00:28:47,980 Place is a dump. 708 00:28:48,060 --> 00:28:50,366 New polls from New Hampshire. Seems you just left yesterday, 709 00:28:50,390 --> 00:28:51,850 but your numbers are already way up. 710 00:28:51,930 --> 00:28:53,770 - Yeah? - Oh, wait. Actually... 711 00:28:53,850 --> 00:28:55,310 - That's right, way up. - Oh, nice. 712 00:28:55,390 --> 00:28:57,390 Maybe I should just stop campaigning altogether. 713 00:28:57,470 --> 00:28:58,520 Couldn't hurt. 714 00:28:58,600 --> 00:29:00,100 There are some more boxes in the car. 715 00:29:00,180 --> 00:29:02,020 - Will you go grab those? - Yeah, I'm happy to. 716 00:29:02,100 --> 00:29:03,640 Oh, remember, lift with your back. 717 00:29:03,730 --> 00:29:05,140 It's your legs. L-Legs. 718 00:29:05,220 --> 00:29:06,350 No, you lift with your back. 719 00:29:06,430 --> 00:29:08,560 - Oh. That's incorrect. - OK, well. 720 00:29:08,640 --> 00:29:11,350 That could probably be the main cause of your scoliosis. 721 00:29:11,430 --> 00:29:12,770 I have scoliosis? 722 00:29:12,850 --> 00:29:14,100 Oh, yes. Clearly. 54094

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