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I love this country.
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00:00:03,560 --> 00:00:07,220
My candidacy begins right now!
3
00:00:09,220 --> 00:00:10,270
Mike McLintock...
4
00:00:10,810 --> 00:00:11,956
- I know who you are.
- BuzzFeed magazine...
5
00:00:11,980 --> 00:00:13,500
- Uh-huh. Okay.
- Print edition. Okay.
6
00:00:14,560 --> 00:00:16,280
What would you say
to someone who might ask,
7
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"How can they marry?
They're stepsiblings?"
8
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I'm not her brother,
and I never was.
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00:00:21,890 --> 00:00:23,060
Except for that one year.
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00:00:23,310 --> 00:00:24,890
I'm thinking of having this baby
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00:00:24,980 --> 00:00:27,350
and I'm not asking anything
of you, literally nothing,
12
00:00:27,430 --> 00:00:29,640
but I do want the baby to know
that you're the father...
13
00:00:30,430 --> 00:00:32,030
- Okay, goodnight, Dan.
- Goodnight, Amy.
14
00:00:32,770 --> 00:00:34,100
Ma'am, you need to see this.
15
00:00:34,180 --> 00:00:37,100
I believe that our country
will always be a shining
16
00:00:37,310 --> 00:00:39,680
- beacon of hope.
- Oh, God, he looks good.
17
00:00:45,680 --> 00:00:49,180
Now bow to your partner...
18
00:00:49,270 --> 00:00:50,826
- Bow to your partner.
- Swing your partner...
19
00:00:50,850 --> 00:00:52,600
Swing your partner.
20
00:00:52,680 --> 00:00:54,980
Ben, I really don't like
being told what to do.
21
00:00:55,060 --> 00:00:57,270
Well, Felix Wade is the
biggest bundler in the party,
22
00:00:57,350 --> 00:00:59,220
and he loves making
millionaires square dance.
23
00:00:59,310 --> 00:01:02,350
Bad news, ma'am.
The US Attorney's Office in New York
24
00:01:02,430 --> 00:01:05,350
has empaneled a grand jury
to investigate the Meyer Fund,
25
00:01:05,430 --> 00:01:07,286
What?! - and they're
looking at Andrew as a target.
26
00:01:07,310 --> 00:01:08,866
- Swing the corner...
- Around the corner.
27
00:01:08,890 --> 00:01:10,520
- Shit! Oh... Roger.
- Selina, looks like
28
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we're swingin' together!
29
00:01:12,140 --> 00:01:13,520
I would have invited my wife,
30
00:01:13,600 --> 00:01:15,270
but she's a squirter,
and that dress
31
00:01:15,350 --> 00:01:17,060
doesn't look like
it's been Scotch-guarded.
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00:01:17,140 --> 00:01:19,140
Ever the charmer,
Mr. Party Chairman.
33
00:01:19,220 --> 00:01:20,980
- Roll her away...
- OK, when do we get
34
00:01:21,060 --> 00:01:22,850
- the check from Felix?
- End of the weekend.
35
00:01:22,930 --> 00:01:25,430
He's gonna make you official
at the final dinner.
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00:01:25,520 --> 00:01:27,080
For that amount of money
to my campaign,
37
00:01:27,140 --> 00:01:28,770
I'll do-si-do
for his do-si-dough.
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00:01:28,850 --> 00:01:30,470
And give yourself a hand!
39
00:01:32,890 --> 00:01:37,180
Welcome to my 16th Annual
Discovery Weekend.
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We're here in Aspen
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00:01:39,140 --> 00:01:42,020
to build bridges to the future.
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Bridges made of ideas.
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No wonder the rest
of the world hates us.
44
00:01:45,980 --> 00:01:46,980
Gayle King is here!
45
00:01:47,060 --> 00:01:48,640
Oh, my God.
46
00:01:48,730 --> 00:01:50,390
But you're not here
47
00:01:50,470 --> 00:01:52,180
just to innovate
entrepreneurial solutions
48
00:01:52,270 --> 00:01:55,470
to the problems of tomorrow...
You wanna square dance!
49
00:01:55,560 --> 00:01:57,180
I'm done with this.
50
00:02:01,060 --> 00:02:02,770
I've waited
a long time for this.
51
00:02:02,850 --> 00:02:04,890
I guess Felix Wade always
thought I was...
52
00:02:04,980 --> 00:02:07,930
- A lightweight?
- Goddamnit, I hate that word.
53
00:02:08,020 --> 00:02:10,520
- Why? You're so skinny.
- N... Oh. Yeah.
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00:02:10,600 --> 00:02:12,600
Ma'am. Ma'am.
I ran a little intel,
55
00:02:12,680 --> 00:02:14,640
and apparently the
secret to Felix Wade
56
00:02:14,730 --> 00:02:16,930
is to always repeat the last
two sentences that he says.
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00:02:17,020 --> 00:02:19,220
Oh, come on.
That is idiotic.
58
00:02:19,310 --> 00:02:21,350
- That's what I said.
- Is he really that insecure?
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00:02:21,430 --> 00:02:24,810
Come on, that is idiotic.
He's really that insecure?
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00:02:24,890 --> 00:02:27,100
- Right? Gary gets it.
- Madam President.
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00:02:27,180 --> 00:02:28,810
- Oh, Felix!
- I am thrilled
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00:02:28,890 --> 00:02:31,850
that you finally got lured to
one of our little get-togethers.
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00:02:31,930 --> 00:02:33,470
Well, I'll tell ya a secret,
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00:02:33,560 --> 00:02:35,850
it's the only reason I'm
really running for president.
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00:02:37,220 --> 00:02:38,470
Really? I feel like
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you should have
a better reason than that.
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00:02:40,730 --> 00:02:42,980
Uh... Um... Well...
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00:02:43,060 --> 00:02:45,100
Felix, can I talk to you
for a moment?
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It's been a delight.
I will see you later.
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00:02:46,730 --> 00:02:47,640
It has been a delight,
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00:02:47,730 --> 00:02:48,930
and you shall see me later.
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00:02:49,060 --> 00:02:50,850
Thank you very much.
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00:02:50,930 --> 00:02:55,270
OK. Isn't it astounding that the
next President of the United States
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00:02:55,350 --> 00:02:58,810
is being chosen by a closeted
ex-record producer?
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00:02:58,890 --> 00:03:02,310
The Electoral College hasn't exactly
been hitting it out of the park.
76
00:03:02,390 --> 00:03:05,850
And is it just me, or does Felix's
friend seem a little young?
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00:03:05,930 --> 00:03:08,470
He'll look older after
Felix switches blood with him.
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00:03:08,560 --> 00:03:10,706
Ma'am, Felix Wade's sexuality
is the worst best-kept secret
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00:03:10,730 --> 00:03:12,810
since Clyde Tolson's
hysterical pregnancy.
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00:03:12,890 --> 00:03:14,890
The man lives in a vast
invisible closet.
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00:03:14,980 --> 00:03:16,850
- Sounds amazing.
- I'm gonna be sick.
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00:03:18,220 --> 00:03:21,560
Wow. It always
has to be about her.
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00:03:21,640 --> 00:03:22,706
- Never fails.
- Every time.
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Can you see if they can make me
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00:03:24,310 --> 00:03:25,520
a specialty cocktail?
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00:03:25,600 --> 00:03:26,930
- Of course.
- Thank you.
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00:03:38,640 --> 00:03:39,680
Gary.
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00:03:41,310 --> 00:03:42,980
I've been having
an upset stomach,
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00:03:43,060 --> 00:03:45,730
'cause I, uh, I... I ate...
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00:03:45,810 --> 00:03:47,020
Ohhh!
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00:03:52,680 --> 00:03:54,220
Hey, do me a favor
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00:03:54,310 --> 00:03:56,680
and don't say anything
to anyone...
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OK...
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00:04:02,270 --> 00:04:03,850
There it is.
95
00:04:03,930 --> 00:04:05,220
Hey, is Kim here?
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00:04:05,310 --> 00:04:07,890
No, she got fired
for sleeping with you.
97
00:04:07,980 --> 00:04:09,770
Buzzfeed runs a
notoriously tight ship.
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00:04:09,850 --> 00:04:11,270
I should probably thank you.
99
00:04:11,350 --> 00:04:14,470
You are lookin' at the new
Deputy Senior Editor.
100
00:04:14,560 --> 00:04:16,076
They're puttin' me up,
and all I gotta do
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is sit on some panel
for new media innovators.
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What do you know
about new media,
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00:04:19,850 --> 00:04:22,430
Mike29748@aol.com?
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00:04:22,520 --> 00:04:23,770
Oh, no. I got hacked.
105
00:04:23,850 --> 00:04:25,930
It's Mike53729.
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00:04:26,020 --> 00:04:27,730
Still @aol though, right?
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- Until I die.
- Right.
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00:04:29,270 --> 00:04:31,020
Ma'am. Ma'am, ma'am.
Guess what?
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- Amy's bulimic.
- What?!
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- Well, it's about time.
- Yeah!
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00:04:34,770 --> 00:04:36,366
And I'll tell ya something,
she might want to consider
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00:04:36,390 --> 00:04:38,470
a little more purging,
a little less bingeing.
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00:04:38,560 --> 00:04:40,770
God, that girl
can't do anything right.
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00:04:40,850 --> 00:04:42,980
- Ma'am, I am so sorry...
- Amy, you got
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some vomit on your mustache.
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What the Rocky Mountain fuck?!
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00:04:47,520 --> 00:04:50,640
Ben! I thought I was the only
candidate invited to this thing.
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- So I was told.
- So why don't you go find out?
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I'm gonna shut it down, ma'am.
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00:04:55,390 --> 00:04:57,020
Uh... Tom!
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00:04:57,100 --> 00:04:59,680
Look what the Gulfstream
dragged in.
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00:04:59,770 --> 00:05:04,100
Gosh, I didn't see a TED talk for
fake folksiness on the schedule.
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00:05:04,180 --> 00:05:05,470
4:30.
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00:05:05,560 --> 00:05:07,350
Kent, can you remind me
real quick,
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00:05:07,430 --> 00:05:10,180
how many points
am I beating Tom by?
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00:05:10,270 --> 00:05:12,470
Des Moines Register
says 18 points.
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00:05:12,560 --> 00:05:14,430
Ooh, 18 points!
Oh, my goodness!
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00:05:14,520 --> 00:05:16,350
That makes me moister
than an oyster.
129
00:05:16,430 --> 00:05:18,600
- Plus or minus four points.
- OK, still pretty moist.
130
00:05:18,680 --> 00:05:21,196
Although a lot of Iowans no
longer have landlines. - It's fine.
131
00:05:21,220 --> 00:05:22,980
Senator James,
we need to keep moving.
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00:05:24,100 --> 00:05:25,930
Ma'am.
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00:05:26,020 --> 00:05:28,810
Good Lord, what's up with
Frigid Von Pole-Up-Her-Ass?
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00:05:28,890 --> 00:05:31,600
That is my Deputy Chief
of Staff, Michelle York.
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00:05:31,680 --> 00:05:32,850
She's basically my Amy.
136
00:05:32,930 --> 00:05:34,890
- Well, my Amy has bulimia.
- Yeah.
137
00:05:34,980 --> 00:05:37,640
- No one likes a braggart, Selina.
- Tom, what are you doing here?
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00:05:37,730 --> 00:05:39,850
Just an old friend of Felix's,
and I guess he thought
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00:05:39,930 --> 00:05:42,020
I might enjoy a weekend
in Aspen.
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00:05:42,100 --> 00:05:45,470
- Uh-huh.
- Make some... new friends.
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00:05:48,850 --> 00:05:51,520
- Good morning, jerk-offs.
- Morning, ma'am.
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00:05:51,600 --> 00:05:53,390
Ma'am, apparently last night
143
00:05:53,470 --> 00:05:57,640
Tom and Felix ended up closing down the
Casamigos Tequila Ideas Bar together.
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00:05:57,730 --> 00:06:01,270
Now Felix's people are saying that he
wants to choose between you and Tom.
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00:06:01,350 --> 00:06:03,640
Oh, come on.
Son of a dick!
146
00:06:03,730 --> 00:06:06,220
I want all eyes on Tom now.
147
00:06:06,310 --> 00:06:08,470
He cannot spend
another second with Felix
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without me jammed in between 'em
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00:06:10,220 --> 00:06:12,560
like the cross-piece
on an Eiffel Tower three-way.
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00:06:12,640 --> 00:06:14,600
MMF. The Devil's threesome.
151
00:06:14,680 --> 00:06:16,116
Isn't that Senator Talbot
over there?
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00:06:16,140 --> 00:06:18,220
She used to run the SDNY.
153
00:06:18,310 --> 00:06:21,560
She might be able to help us
with the Andrew situation. - Yeah.
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00:06:21,640 --> 00:06:24,470
Gary, go and get her for me
right now.
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00:06:24,560 --> 00:06:27,560
I actually consider her
to be a bit of a protégée.
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00:06:27,640 --> 00:06:29,770
- Does she know that?
- Thought I was your protégée.
157
00:06:29,850 --> 00:06:33,270
- No, you're Ben's protégée.
- Not a very good one.
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00:06:33,350 --> 00:06:35,270
You know something, ma'am?
Senator Talbot
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00:06:35,350 --> 00:06:37,116
might not be a terrible choice
for a running mate.
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00:06:37,140 --> 00:06:39,680
An all-female ticket?
I don't think so.
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00:06:39,770 --> 00:06:42,930
The American people
work hard for a living, OK?
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00:06:43,020 --> 00:06:44,770
They don't need
that kind of bullshit!
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00:06:44,850 --> 00:06:46,560
- Ma'am, Senator Talbot.
- Madam President.
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00:06:46,640 --> 00:06:48,770
Kemi! Oh, my God,
my protégée!
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00:06:48,850 --> 00:06:51,390
- Oh! Very nice to meet you.
- Nice to meet you, too.
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00:06:51,470 --> 00:06:52,930
- I'm Amy...
- Oh, no, no! You!
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00:06:53,020 --> 00:06:54,980
- How are things on the Hill?
- Crazy as ever.
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00:06:55,060 --> 00:06:57,930
Did Senator Isles
try and... grab your ass?
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00:06:58,020 --> 00:07:01,020
Oh, yeah. - He used to say
that mine was like a candy apple.
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00:07:01,100 --> 00:07:02,680
Mmm.
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00:07:02,770 --> 00:07:04,786
Actually, Senator Isles is under
investigation right now, so...
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00:07:04,810 --> 00:07:06,640
For what?
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00:07:06,730 --> 00:07:08,100
For the inappropriate...
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00:07:08,180 --> 00:07:10,980
Oh, yeah, right.
'Cause that's bad now.
175
00:07:11,060 --> 00:07:13,220
Ma'am, Tom James is on the move.
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I... So good to see you!
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00:07:14,930 --> 00:07:16,770
So good to see you,
Madam President.
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Just... Yeah.
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00:07:21,180 --> 00:07:22,930
Oh, look at you outside!
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00:07:24,890 --> 00:07:26,600
- Oh, Tom!
- Are you all right?
181
00:07:26,680 --> 00:07:29,100
Wow, that is so incredible!
I did not see you there.
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00:07:29,180 --> 00:07:32,020
Well, that's funny that you
sprinted around the entire deck
183
00:07:32,100 --> 00:07:34,430
to just bump into me
sight unseen.
184
00:07:34,520 --> 00:07:37,140
So, uh, I heard you had
a very big night
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00:07:37,220 --> 00:07:38,640
with Felix last night.
186
00:07:38,730 --> 00:07:40,310
You really
should have been there.
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00:07:40,390 --> 00:07:41,746
One thing I've learned
in politics,
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00:07:41,770 --> 00:07:44,310
a lot of the best stuff
happens afterhours.
189
00:07:44,390 --> 00:07:46,470
Oh, is that so, Captain Morgan?
190
00:07:46,560 --> 00:07:48,200
Thank you so much
for man-telling me that.
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00:07:48,270 --> 00:07:51,140
I believe the word you're
fumbling for is "mansplaining."
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00:07:51,220 --> 00:07:54,180
Man... OK... splain...
Senator, we have to go.
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00:07:54,270 --> 00:07:56,390
Madam President.
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00:07:56,470 --> 00:07:57,770
Yeah.
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00:07:58,810 --> 00:08:00,560
I got a picture.
196
00:08:00,640 --> 00:08:02,180
Of what?
197
00:08:02,270 --> 00:08:03,730
Of his Amy?
198
00:08:03,810 --> 00:08:05,270
His who?
199
00:08:05,350 --> 00:08:06,560
His Amy.
200
00:08:06,640 --> 00:08:08,680
- Ma'am, I don't see it.
- Seriously?
201
00:08:08,770 --> 00:08:10,060
With this? And the...
202
00:08:10,140 --> 00:08:11,850
No, ma'am, I got a picture
of his schedule.
203
00:08:11,930 --> 00:08:15,020
Presentation on compost at the
Treehouse Theater, 9:00 a.m.
204
00:08:15,100 --> 00:08:17,350
Felix will be there
with him. OK, I'm...
205
00:08:17,430 --> 00:08:20,180
Amy, seriously,
I know I rarely say this,
206
00:08:20,270 --> 00:08:22,680
- but that was really...
- O... K.
207
00:08:22,770 --> 00:08:25,930
- Did you see what she had for breakfast?
- Yeah.
208
00:08:26,020 --> 00:08:28,390
And I bet she had a breakfast
before that breakfast.
209
00:08:28,470 --> 00:08:29,930
There is no doubt about that.
210
00:08:30,020 --> 00:08:31,390
OK, let's go to compost.
211
00:08:31,470 --> 00:08:33,680
- OK? What is compost?
- I don't...
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00:08:33,770 --> 00:08:35,980
What I think we'd really
like to get at, Congressman,
213
00:08:36,060 --> 00:08:38,270
is, what sets you apart
from the other candidates?
214
00:08:38,350 --> 00:08:41,470
Well, for one thing, uh,
I have a lot of new ideas.
215
00:08:41,560 --> 00:08:42,850
Oh.
216
00:08:44,470 --> 00:08:46,850
And what are some
of those new ideas?
217
00:08:46,930 --> 00:08:49,850
Well, science tells us
that it will be difficult...
218
00:08:49,930 --> 00:08:53,730
but within five years,
I want America...
219
00:08:53,810 --> 00:08:56,470
to put a man on Ellen DeGeneres.
220
00:08:56,560 --> 00:08:58,100
Up top!
221
00:09:01,310 --> 00:09:03,810
- Thank you, Richard.
- I didn't think you'd do that one.
222
00:09:03,890 --> 00:09:05,520
It's pretty good, right?
223
00:09:05,600 --> 00:09:07,930
- It's great, thank you.
- She's a lesbian.
224
00:09:08,020 --> 00:09:09,180
- No, we get it.
- Right.
225
00:09:09,270 --> 00:09:10,680
- We get the joke.
- OK.
226
00:09:10,770 --> 00:09:12,640
Congressman Ryan,
I'd like you to address
227
00:09:12,730 --> 00:09:14,810
some rumors that have
been circulating online
228
00:09:14,890 --> 00:09:16,350
that you made
inappropriate advances
229
00:09:16,430 --> 00:09:18,140
toward a female staffer
on Capitol Hill.
230
00:09:18,220 --> 00:09:20,930
I'm sorry. Derek,
can we have a minute?
231
00:09:21,020 --> 00:09:22,890
Just one moment.
232
00:09:22,980 --> 00:09:24,930
Apparently,
233
00:09:25,020 --> 00:09:26,600
there's been
an anonymous posting
234
00:09:26,680 --> 00:09:29,430
about a "dead-eyed,
lantern-jawed,
235
00:09:29,520 --> 00:09:30,890
one-and-done Congresstard"
236
00:09:30,980 --> 00:09:33,850
who acted in a sexually
inappropriate manner?
237
00:09:33,930 --> 00:09:36,020
- Well, that could be anybody.
- Sounds like you.
238
00:09:36,100 --> 00:09:39,730
Jonah, who have you traumatized?
Start with the doctor who delivered you.
239
00:09:39,810 --> 00:09:42,430
- I haven't traumatized anyone.
- There was your aide, Emma Gray.
240
00:09:42,520 --> 00:09:45,350
Oh, Schnozz? She was stuck up,
I was just callin' her on it.
241
00:09:45,430 --> 00:09:47,100
Congresswomen Troy and Vasconi.
242
00:09:47,180 --> 00:09:48,700
Oh, Monster Tits
and Monster Tits, Jr.?
243
00:09:48,730 --> 00:09:51,520
But all I did there
was express some genuine concern
244
00:09:51,600 --> 00:09:54,100
that they had bras big enough
to handle all that meat.
245
00:09:54,180 --> 00:09:55,656
At the Congressional
Prayer Breakfast.
246
00:09:55,680 --> 00:09:57,680
Yeah. It was exactly
what Jesus would have done.
247
00:09:57,770 --> 00:09:59,060
I mean, he's a man too, Teddy.
248
00:09:59,140 --> 00:10:01,220
OK, listen. Jonah...
249
00:10:01,310 --> 00:10:02,810
if anyone asks,
250
00:10:02,890 --> 00:10:04,810
tell 'em you've been
chemically castrated.
251
00:10:04,890 --> 00:10:06,470
It's very easy to lie about.
252
00:10:06,560 --> 00:10:08,140
Believe me, nobody checks.
253
00:10:08,220 --> 00:10:09,220
OK.
254
00:10:12,140 --> 00:10:14,560
Well, that was a waste of time.
Here's some Purell.
255
00:10:14,640 --> 00:10:16,100
I need, like,
a tub of this stuff.
256
00:10:16,180 --> 00:10:18,140
- Where have you been?
- Tom and Felix
257
00:10:18,220 --> 00:10:20,536
spent the entire morning
French-braiding each other's bald spots.
258
00:10:20,560 --> 00:10:23,180
Somebody's gotta go in there
and lure Felix out.
259
00:10:23,270 --> 00:10:25,020
- OK, I can...
- Dan.
260
00:10:25,100 --> 00:10:26,180
- Dan.
- Yeah, Dan.
261
00:10:26,270 --> 00:10:27,810
Yeah, that feels right.
262
00:10:27,890 --> 00:10:29,850
I hope he's Felix's type.
263
00:10:29,930 --> 00:10:31,310
In current gay parlance,
264
00:10:31,390 --> 00:10:33,366
Dan presents somewhere
between a "wolf" and an "otter,"
265
00:10:33,390 --> 00:10:34,890
some would call
a "frost otter."
266
00:10:34,980 --> 00:10:36,350
It's always...
267
00:10:36,430 --> 00:10:38,246
Mr. Wade, I was wondering
if I could steal steal you...
268
00:10:38,270 --> 00:10:40,060
Fly away, please, we're busy.
269
00:10:40,140 --> 00:10:43,140
- Bye, Dan.
- Nice try, Grandma,
270
00:10:43,220 --> 00:10:46,180
but you aged out of Felix's demo
back in the 20th century.
271
00:10:46,270 --> 00:10:48,020
Uh, I'm 39-and-a-half.
272
00:10:48,100 --> 00:10:50,180
You may want to start
coloring that gray.
273
00:10:50,270 --> 00:10:52,100
Just a thought.
274
00:10:53,270 --> 00:10:54,600
Bye, now.
275
00:10:55,770 --> 00:10:58,310
- What... Dan?
- I need a minute.
276
00:10:58,390 --> 00:10:59,850
- Ooh.
- What's wrong with him?
277
00:10:59,930 --> 00:11:02,560
Something's
going around or something,
278
00:11:02,640 --> 00:11:06,270
'cause my stomach is... - Amy, please.
We all know, OK?
279
00:11:06,350 --> 00:11:08,600
And I would give you
one word of advice,
280
00:11:08,680 --> 00:11:12,060
which is to try laxatives.
281
00:11:12,140 --> 00:11:13,470
I'll tell you why.
282
00:11:13,560 --> 00:11:15,890
It saves your teeth.
283
00:11:15,980 --> 00:11:17,890
Ma'am... I'm pregnant.
284
00:11:22,980 --> 00:11:24,730
Can you imagine?
285
00:11:24,810 --> 00:11:26,390
I'm pregnant.
286
00:11:26,470 --> 00:11:28,980
- That's not funny.
- Now I'm gonna be sick.
287
00:11:29,060 --> 00:11:31,730
- How did that happen?
- One night. With Dan. I don't...
288
00:11:31,810 --> 00:11:33,560
- Dan fucked you?
- Mm-hmm.
289
00:11:33,640 --> 00:11:35,430
What, were you wearing
a full-length mirror?
290
00:11:35,520 --> 00:11:37,220
That's tough, but fair.
291
00:11:37,310 --> 00:11:39,930
God Almighty,
shoulda had you fixed years ago.
292
00:11:40,020 --> 00:11:42,560
Listen, I did not spend
my entire life
293
00:11:42,640 --> 00:11:44,770
defending a woman's
right to choose
294
00:11:44,850 --> 00:11:46,180
for you to choose this.
295
00:11:46,270 --> 00:11:47,890
Jesus Christ.
296
00:11:47,980 --> 00:11:50,180
Bravo.
297
00:11:50,270 --> 00:11:53,140
- Oh, Felix.
- I can't count the number of times
298
00:11:53,220 --> 00:11:54,890
I've wanted to say
the same thing.
299
00:11:54,980 --> 00:11:56,640
Do you know that
there's one girl
300
00:11:56,730 --> 00:11:59,980
that worked in my office
who had four kids.
301
00:12:00,060 --> 00:12:03,270
- What was she, a possum?
- Actually Korean, but that's very funny.
302
00:12:03,350 --> 00:12:05,930
Selina, would you care to take
a little nature walk with me?
303
00:12:06,020 --> 00:12:07,520
Oh, I would care to do that.
304
00:12:07,600 --> 00:12:09,270
Thank you.
305
00:12:09,350 --> 00:12:11,890
- No? No.
- Yep.
306
00:12:11,980 --> 00:12:15,270
The thing I realized about
hip hop before anyone else
307
00:12:15,350 --> 00:12:17,600
is that the artists
308
00:12:17,680 --> 00:12:19,680
would sign away
the publishing rights
309
00:12:19,770 --> 00:12:22,680
for next to nothing!
310
00:12:22,770 --> 00:12:25,270
That's an incredible anecdote!
311
00:12:25,350 --> 00:12:26,770
You know, Selina, to be honest,
312
00:12:26,850 --> 00:12:28,430
I've been telling people
for years
313
00:12:28,520 --> 00:12:30,310
that you're
a bit of a lightweight.
314
00:12:30,390 --> 00:12:32,520
Well, O... Yes, I mean,
315
00:12:32,600 --> 00:12:35,600
I can be a bit of a...
A lightweight.
316
00:12:35,680 --> 00:12:37,350
You said it, not me!
317
00:12:37,430 --> 00:12:40,600
But it takes a brave person to be
able to see one's shortcomings.
318
00:12:40,680 --> 00:12:42,390
- Yeah, it does.
- In this day and age,
319
00:12:42,470 --> 00:12:44,470
- it's very, very refre...
- Remarkable.
320
00:12:44,560 --> 00:12:46,560
- Refreshing.
- Refreshing was the word I meant.
321
00:12:46,640 --> 00:12:48,060
- Exactly.
- Thank you. Yes.
322
00:12:48,140 --> 00:12:50,980
You know,
we do this little thing here
323
00:12:51,060 --> 00:12:52,810
called
the Marshmallow Roast Talk.
324
00:12:52,890 --> 00:12:54,826
Do you think you could
throw together a few remarks?
325
00:12:54,850 --> 00:12:57,810
Because I really want to hear
more of what you have to say.
326
00:12:57,890 --> 00:13:00,680
You know, I want to hear more
of what you have to say.
327
00:13:00,770 --> 00:13:02,520
I would suspect
that I have many guests here
328
00:13:02,600 --> 00:13:05,036
that would like to hear what I have
to say about what you have to say.
329
00:13:05,060 --> 00:13:07,640
That brain of yours
is fascinating to me!
330
00:13:07,730 --> 00:13:09,390
It scares me sometimes.
331
00:13:09,470 --> 00:13:11,810
Jonah, your accuser is here.
332
00:13:11,890 --> 00:13:13,810
Ms. White. Thank you...
333
00:13:13,890 --> 00:13:15,180
so much for joining us.
334
00:13:15,270 --> 00:13:18,470
The congressman
has something prepared
335
00:13:18,560 --> 00:13:20,980
and very heartfelt
336
00:13:21,060 --> 00:13:22,730
he would like to say to you.
337
00:13:23,930 --> 00:13:26,140
I'm sorry, Amanda,
if I behaved in a way
338
00:13:26,220 --> 00:13:28,390
that made you uncomfortable
or inappropriate.
339
00:13:28,470 --> 00:13:29,930
All right? God!
340
00:13:30,020 --> 00:13:31,810
And you should try smiling more.
341
00:13:31,890 --> 00:13:34,640
We have this
non-disclosure agreement
342
00:13:34,730 --> 00:13:37,220
for you to sign in exchange...
343
00:13:37,310 --> 00:13:39,060
Actually, I was hoping
344
00:13:39,140 --> 00:13:41,600
Jonah could sign
my non-disclosure agreement.
345
00:13:41,680 --> 00:13:45,140
It says that as far as the law
is concerned, we never dated.
346
00:13:45,220 --> 00:13:47,640
I'm sorry,
there's no way I'm gonna sign that.
347
00:13:47,730 --> 00:13:49,640
You are a stone-cold,
neck-down hottie.
348
00:13:49,730 --> 00:13:51,290
I want the whole world
to know we dated.
349
00:13:51,350 --> 00:13:53,680
We had one working lunch,
and we split the bill.
350
00:13:53,770 --> 00:13:55,680
I split the bill
on all my dates.
351
00:13:55,770 --> 00:13:57,850
Why would I pay for a girl
to get fatter?
352
00:13:57,930 --> 00:14:00,730
He's such a... - Ew!
It was strictly professional!
353
00:14:00,810 --> 00:14:03,640
There was nothing professional
about my behavior!
354
00:14:03,730 --> 00:14:05,100
Nothing happened, Mr. Ryan.
355
00:14:05,180 --> 00:14:08,220
I'm in a relationship
with a good, normal man,
356
00:14:08,310 --> 00:14:10,310
who loves me.
Yeah, normal.
357
00:14:10,390 --> 00:14:12,930
But if he were to find out that
we even had lunch together,
358
00:14:13,020 --> 00:14:15,600
I'm not sure he'd be
strong enough to stand it.
359
00:14:15,680 --> 00:14:17,890
God, Jamaican jerk Jesus,
just sign this!
360
00:14:17,980 --> 00:14:19,680
No, Teddy!
361
00:14:19,770 --> 00:14:22,140
Jonah Ryan will not be silenced.
362
00:14:23,520 --> 00:14:25,140
We dated...
363
00:14:25,220 --> 00:14:27,180
and the world's gonna know that.
364
00:14:27,270 --> 00:14:30,350
Madam President, Felix is going
to introduce you.
365
00:14:30,430 --> 00:14:31,890
Here's your marshmallow stick.
366
00:14:31,980 --> 00:14:34,310
Oh, that's very exciting,
isn't it? OK.
367
00:14:38,020 --> 00:14:40,220
- Knock, knock.
- Oh, shit.
368
00:14:40,310 --> 00:14:42,930
Just wanted to say
congratulations, Selina.
369
00:14:43,020 --> 00:14:44,850
- Oh.
- I did everything I could
370
00:14:44,930 --> 00:14:46,706
to get Felix to give me
the marshmallow speech.
371
00:14:46,730 --> 00:14:48,100
He's not the greatest listener.
372
00:14:48,180 --> 00:14:49,600
Did you offer to blow him?
373
00:14:49,680 --> 00:14:51,100
Tut-tut, Selina.
374
00:14:51,180 --> 00:14:53,220
We do not refer to Mr. Wade's
sexual orientation.
375
00:14:53,310 --> 00:14:55,470
- Sorry.
- But yes. Yes, I did.
376
00:14:55,560 --> 00:14:58,020
Well, I didn't tell him
you were a lousy lay.
377
00:14:58,100 --> 00:15:00,470
Probably read it in our books.
378
00:15:03,680 --> 00:15:05,220
I love you.
379
00:15:05,310 --> 00:15:08,560
I love you too, Tom.
Go fuck yourself.
380
00:15:08,640 --> 00:15:10,020
- Ma'am.
- Oh, yes. Yeah.
381
00:15:10,100 --> 00:15:11,270
Selina, I mean it.
382
00:15:11,350 --> 00:15:13,890
You're in my head all the time.
383
00:15:13,980 --> 00:15:16,020
You always have been
and you always will be.
384
00:15:16,100 --> 00:15:18,470
- Yeah, yeah.
- I love you.
385
00:15:18,560 --> 00:15:20,470
- Ma'am.
- Yeah...
386
00:15:20,560 --> 00:15:22,680
- Uh-huh. Mm-hmm.
- Ma'am.
387
00:15:26,600 --> 00:15:28,270
Oh, here she is!
388
00:15:28,350 --> 00:15:30,560
- Here. I can't hold this.
- I can't.
389
00:15:32,430 --> 00:15:34,850
Oh, wow. Um...
390
00:15:34,930 --> 00:15:36,850
uh, thank you, Felix,
391
00:15:36,930 --> 00:15:39,470
for this incredible opportunity.
392
00:15:39,560 --> 00:15:41,810
I don't... I don't, uh, think
393
00:15:41,890 --> 00:15:43,930
it's controversial for...
394
00:15:44,020 --> 00:15:46,390
For me to say to you...
395
00:15:49,390 --> 00:15:51,180
Uh, I mean, ya know,
396
00:15:51,270 --> 00:15:53,100
um...
397
00:15:53,180 --> 00:15:57,140
the movers and shakers
who confront the, uh,
398
00:15:57,220 --> 00:15:59,680
ya know, um, uh...
399
00:15:59,770 --> 00:16:02,310
challenges...
400
00:16:02,390 --> 00:16:04,390
uh, that we face, both, ya know,
401
00:16:04,470 --> 00:16:07,980
abroad and, um, and, um, um,
402
00:16:08,060 --> 00:16:09,680
ya know, at home.
403
00:16:09,770 --> 00:16:11,850
Uh, we...
404
00:16:11,930 --> 00:16:13,180
argggh!
405
00:16:13,270 --> 00:16:16,180
- What is happening here?
- I have no idea.
406
00:16:16,270 --> 00:16:18,180
Ya know, leadership, ya know,
407
00:16:18,270 --> 00:16:22,850
uh, I mean, is a tricky... um...
408
00:16:22,930 --> 00:16:25,180
She's having
a textbook aneurysm.
409
00:16:25,270 --> 00:16:26,680
Still looks like a goddess.
410
00:16:26,770 --> 00:16:29,730
And... and... and... and... and, uh,
411
00:16:29,810 --> 00:16:31,810
th-that's tricky.
412
00:16:31,890 --> 00:16:34,020
- Tom?
- Yeah?
413
00:16:34,100 --> 00:16:36,470
- Can I talk to you just for a second?
- Sure.
414
00:16:38,520 --> 00:16:41,180
OK...
let me have it.
415
00:16:41,270 --> 00:16:43,930
Hey, you don't get to smile
about this, OK?
416
00:16:44,020 --> 00:16:46,060
What are you,
some sort of sociopath?
417
00:16:46,140 --> 00:16:49,390
That was the most
humiliating experience
418
00:16:49,470 --> 00:16:53,180
I've had in my entire life,
and I was Vice President
419
00:16:53,270 --> 00:16:55,600
- of the United States...
- I had a heart attack.
420
00:16:55,680 --> 00:16:57,770
- What?
- Eight months ago.
421
00:16:57,850 --> 00:17:01,060
Quadruple bypass,
the old James ticker.
422
00:17:01,140 --> 00:17:03,730
Which, I was all for it
when it killed my dad,
423
00:17:03,810 --> 00:17:06,640
but it's not so funny when the
shoe's on the other ventricle.
424
00:17:06,730 --> 00:17:09,980
Which I thought
you might be interested in.
425
00:17:10,060 --> 00:17:11,536
- Right. No, I think it is...
- Oh, I'm sorry.
426
00:17:11,560 --> 00:17:13,390
- No, you're good.
- No problem.
427
00:17:13,470 --> 00:17:15,560
- That was in Iraq, Senator James?
- Afghanistan.
428
00:17:15,640 --> 00:17:17,220
In Afghanistan, OK.
429
00:17:17,310 --> 00:17:19,060
Wait a minute,
what are you saying?
430
00:17:19,140 --> 00:17:21,560
I was lying there with
a lot of tubes and wires
431
00:17:21,640 --> 00:17:23,560
sticking out of me,
and all I could think was
432
00:17:23,640 --> 00:17:25,470
all the things I wished
I'd said to you
433
00:17:25,560 --> 00:17:27,980
and things I wished I'd done,
we'd done.
434
00:17:28,060 --> 00:17:30,600
I had a heart attack too.
435
00:17:30,680 --> 00:17:32,100
- What?
- Mm-hmm.
436
00:17:32,180 --> 00:17:34,770
I did. Really.
About a year and a half ago.
437
00:17:34,850 --> 00:17:37,310
We... We covered
the whole thing up.
438
00:17:37,390 --> 00:17:40,350
We called mine a "routine
prostate procedure."
439
00:17:40,430 --> 00:17:42,270
Well, yeah, men have it so easy.
440
00:17:42,350 --> 00:17:44,980
People assumed
I was having a face-lift.
441
00:17:45,060 --> 00:17:46,930
And then when I did
have a face-lift,
442
00:17:47,020 --> 00:17:49,220
I had to tell everybody
I was visiting the troops.
443
00:17:49,310 --> 00:17:52,350
When I had my face-lift, we told people
that you were having a face-lift.
444
00:18:00,390 --> 00:18:03,100
So...
445
00:18:03,180 --> 00:18:04,980
you love me?
446
00:18:06,310 --> 00:18:08,520
Maybe there's...
447
00:18:08,600 --> 00:18:09,980
an alternate universe
448
00:18:10,060 --> 00:18:11,520
where we're not in politics,
449
00:18:11,600 --> 00:18:13,470
we're just...
450
00:18:13,560 --> 00:18:15,980
unhappily married
somewhere in the suburbs.
451
00:18:16,060 --> 00:18:18,470
Uh-huh. And you work
at a car dealership?
452
00:18:18,560 --> 00:18:20,060
Assistant manager.
453
00:18:20,140 --> 00:18:22,470
- Oh! Look at you!
- And we argue about
454
00:18:22,560 --> 00:18:24,640
how much money we're
spending on landscaping,
455
00:18:24,730 --> 00:18:27,810
and I think you flirt a little too
much with the kids' tennis coach.
456
00:18:27,890 --> 00:18:30,600
And then we blow each
other's brain's out. - Yeah.
457
00:18:40,560 --> 00:18:42,770
Now, see, this...
458
00:18:42,850 --> 00:18:44,390
more of my bad timing.
459
00:18:46,640 --> 00:18:48,980
Unless somebody...
460
00:18:49,060 --> 00:18:51,430
drops out of the race.
461
00:18:52,470 --> 00:18:53,850
Let's face it,
462
00:18:53,930 --> 00:18:55,406
if you were the kind of woman
who'd choose me
463
00:18:55,430 --> 00:18:57,180
over the presidency,
464
00:18:57,270 --> 00:19:00,470
I wouldn't want you so crazily.
465
00:19:00,560 --> 00:19:04,600
I'm gonna kick your ass
all over the electoral map.
466
00:19:04,680 --> 00:19:06,100
Good night, Selina.
467
00:19:10,850 --> 00:19:12,310
Oh, God.
468
00:19:16,100 --> 00:19:18,060
Oh! There you are.
469
00:19:18,140 --> 00:19:20,640
- You saw the whole thing, didn't ya?
- I did.
470
00:19:20,730 --> 00:19:25,640
How about a hot soak
with a Laura Mercier bath bomb?
471
00:19:25,730 --> 00:19:26,850
Ahhhh...
472
00:19:26,930 --> 00:19:29,020
Is it gonna explode
between my legs
473
00:19:29,100 --> 00:19:30,930
and make me cum until I cry?
474
00:19:32,390 --> 00:19:34,310
I think it's peppermint.
475
00:19:39,140 --> 00:19:41,640
You OK, Dan?
476
00:19:41,730 --> 00:19:44,520
Ames, am I gettin' old?
I swear, I feel like I'm five minutes away
477
00:19:44,600 --> 00:19:47,180
from fiber supplements
and voting in midterms.
478
00:19:47,270 --> 00:19:50,180
- I mean, we all are.
- Maybe I gotta stop foolin' around.
479
00:19:50,270 --> 00:19:52,600
Maybe that's it.
Maybe I gotta cut out
480
00:19:52,680 --> 00:19:55,430
all the meaningless sex
with girls half my age.
481
00:19:55,520 --> 00:19:57,560
I mean, you pull it out
to cum on her tits
482
00:19:57,640 --> 00:19:59,640
'cause you think
it's gonna make you feel alive.
483
00:19:59,730 --> 00:20:01,370
But it doesn't matter
where you cum, Ames.
484
00:20:01,430 --> 00:20:04,390
Ya know? It just doesn't.
It just...
485
00:20:04,470 --> 00:20:06,020
- It doesn't.
- Yeah.
486
00:20:06,100 --> 00:20:08,810
Sometimes it's good
to think about the future.
487
00:20:10,600 --> 00:20:14,060
Don't know what
I'd do without you.
488
00:20:15,560 --> 00:20:16,980
The future...
489
00:20:21,600 --> 00:20:22,980
OK, after last night,
490
00:20:23,060 --> 00:20:25,060
none of these masturbators
of the universe
491
00:20:25,140 --> 00:20:26,470
are even looking me in the eye
492
00:20:26,560 --> 00:20:28,850
ever since Felix
decided to back Tom.
493
00:20:28,930 --> 00:20:30,890
And isn't that Tom over there
with your protégée?
494
00:20:30,980 --> 00:20:32,020
What? Who?
495
00:20:33,850 --> 00:20:35,850
Ooh, Tom and Kemi
would be a formidable ticket.
496
00:20:35,930 --> 00:20:37,980
They could reassure people
that look like him
497
00:20:38,060 --> 00:20:39,770
that their country
wouldn't be ruined
498
00:20:39,850 --> 00:20:40,996
by people that look like her.
499
00:20:41,020 --> 00:20:43,220
Goddamnit!
500
00:20:43,310 --> 00:20:46,100
Take a few deep breaths first.
Don't tell me how to breathe.
501
00:20:46,180 --> 00:20:48,020
Good morning.
502
00:20:48,100 --> 00:20:50,810
Hey, Felix, can I talk to you
for a quick second?
503
00:20:50,890 --> 00:20:52,310
We've said everything
we need to.
504
00:20:52,390 --> 00:20:54,890
Ya know? Like you
repeatedly said last night.
505
00:20:54,980 --> 00:20:59,680
Well, you know how you finance guys
like to talk about disrupting things?
506
00:20:59,770 --> 00:21:03,020
How about we disrupt
the election?
507
00:21:04,060 --> 00:21:05,100
Scatter.
508
00:21:05,180 --> 00:21:06,470
Yeah, like now.
509
00:21:06,560 --> 00:21:09,180
- Get out.
- Ohh.
510
00:21:09,270 --> 00:21:10,770
- Tell me more, Selina.
- Yeah.
511
00:21:10,850 --> 00:21:11,980
I'm addicted to disruption,
512
00:21:12,060 --> 00:21:13,850
especially since
I stopped using cocaine.
513
00:21:16,520 --> 00:21:17,680
You're...
514
00:21:17,770 --> 00:21:18,980
You're s...
515
00:21:19,060 --> 00:21:21,140
Um, good for you.
516
00:21:21,220 --> 00:21:24,020
Um, we, um...
517
00:21:24,100 --> 00:21:26,730
we don't wait
for the convention, Felix.
518
00:21:26,810 --> 00:21:29,850
I name my running mate now.
519
00:21:29,930 --> 00:21:34,390
Even before the Iowa caucus.
No one has ever done that before.
520
00:21:34,470 --> 00:21:37,520
- I love it. This is exciting.
- You do? I'm excited too.
521
00:21:37,600 --> 00:21:40,520
- Was this your idea?
- Yeah, but I'm gonna tell you something.
522
00:21:40,600 --> 00:21:42,020
You gave me the idea.
523
00:21:42,100 --> 00:21:43,980
I'm not shocked about that.
524
00:21:44,060 --> 00:21:46,350
Thank you for having me.
525
00:21:46,430 --> 00:21:48,220
A lot of you knew me
when I was really little
526
00:21:48,310 --> 00:21:49,906
and I was just running
around in diapers.
527
00:21:49,930 --> 00:21:51,680
And now here we are,
528
00:21:51,770 --> 00:21:53,680
and a lot of you
are wearin' diapers.
529
00:21:56,430 --> 00:22:00,100
Well, you might all know that old
chestnut, "Mother knows best"?
530
00:22:00,180 --> 00:22:02,430
Oh... I think there's
a lot of truth in that.
531
00:22:02,520 --> 00:22:05,220
Jonie, look! They're talking
about you on the television!
532
00:22:05,310 --> 00:22:06,470
Turn it up!
533
00:22:06,560 --> 00:22:07,770
"Lyin' Ryan."
534
00:22:07,850 --> 00:22:09,430
That's gonna stick.
535
00:22:09,520 --> 00:22:12,980
Jonah Ryan and I
have not ever dated,
536
00:22:13,060 --> 00:22:15,430
nor gone on a date of any kind.
537
00:22:15,520 --> 00:22:17,100
That's not true.
538
00:22:17,180 --> 00:22:18,560
We had one meal together,
539
00:22:18,640 --> 00:22:21,100
but it was strictly professional
540
00:22:21,180 --> 00:22:23,430
and in the presence of others.
541
00:22:23,520 --> 00:22:25,730
It was really
more of a group thing.
542
00:22:25,810 --> 00:22:27,140
C-Come on.
543
00:22:27,220 --> 00:22:30,220
He once tried to friend me
on Facebook,
544
00:22:30,310 --> 00:22:31,890
and I did that thing
545
00:22:31,980 --> 00:22:35,060
where I never responded
"yes" or "no,"
546
00:22:35,140 --> 00:22:38,180
hoping... praying...
547
00:22:38,270 --> 00:22:39,640
That it would end.
548
00:22:39,730 --> 00:22:41,220
His behavior was
549
00:22:41,310 --> 00:22:43,140
completely appropriate
at all times.
550
00:22:43,220 --> 00:22:45,060
Ohh, no! I was all over her!
551
00:22:45,140 --> 00:22:46,520
I got super handsy!
552
00:22:46,600 --> 00:22:48,270
For too long
women have been silent
553
00:22:48,350 --> 00:22:50,680
in the face of rumors they went
out with Congressman Ryan.
554
00:22:50,770 --> 00:22:53,520
But finally, people are
starting to believe women,
555
00:22:53,600 --> 00:22:58,060
and I believe Amanda
when she says, "Not me.
556
00:22:58,140 --> 00:22:59,850
Not. Me."
557
00:22:59,930 --> 00:23:01,180
That's catchy too.
558
00:23:01,270 --> 00:23:02,430
Felix, um, I'd like
559
00:23:02,520 --> 00:23:06,100
to introduce you
to Senator, uh, Alohak...
560
00:23:06,180 --> 00:23:07,560
Oluwakemi.
561
00:23:07,640 --> 00:23:08,850
Yes. Talbot.
562
00:23:08,930 --> 00:23:11,350
Kemi is the future
563
00:23:11,430 --> 00:23:12,770
of our party.
564
00:23:12,850 --> 00:23:16,060
An... all-female ticket?
565
00:23:16,140 --> 00:23:18,430
The first one since
Carter-Mondale.
566
00:23:19,680 --> 00:23:20,680
I'm not mad at that.
567
00:23:20,770 --> 00:23:22,310
- Kemi, is it?
- It is.
568
00:23:22,390 --> 00:23:24,246
Would you care to take a little
nature walk with Selina and me?
569
00:23:24,270 --> 00:23:26,310
- Absolutely.
- I love nature.
570
00:23:26,390 --> 00:23:27,850
Mind if I tag along?
571
00:23:27,930 --> 00:23:29,270
No, Tom.
572
00:23:29,350 --> 00:23:30,680
That would be awkward.
573
00:23:30,770 --> 00:23:32,810
I've changed my mind again.
574
00:23:34,060 --> 00:23:35,680
Ya know.
575
00:23:40,560 --> 00:23:41,680
- Yeah.
- I've been thinking
576
00:23:41,770 --> 00:23:43,020
a lot about what you said,
577
00:23:43,100 --> 00:23:45,890
so maybe it's time
for us to settle down
578
00:23:45,980 --> 00:23:48,310
- and raise our baby, and...
- I'm so sorry.
579
00:23:48,390 --> 00:23:51,890
I'm just about to fuck this really
hot 19-year-old cater waitress. OK?
580
00:23:51,980 --> 00:23:54,140
Oh, and get this.
Her name's Meagan.
581
00:23:54,220 --> 00:23:57,390
Ohhhh...
582
00:24:00,560 --> 00:24:03,020
Hi. Yes, I would like
to schedule an appointment
583
00:24:03,100 --> 00:24:04,520
with one of your OB/GYNs.
584
00:24:06,350 --> 00:24:08,560
Yes, it's for an abortion.
585
00:24:08,640 --> 00:24:10,430
Yes, I'm sure.
586
00:24:10,520 --> 00:24:12,350
Oh, do you also do flu shots?
587
00:24:17,560 --> 00:24:18,560
Hey.
588
00:24:19,600 --> 00:24:21,220
Oh!
589
00:24:22,810 --> 00:24:24,520
Congratulations, ma'am.
590
00:24:24,600 --> 00:24:26,616
Mr. Wade has officially
chosen you to sit next to him
591
00:24:26,640 --> 00:24:29,100
at tonight's farewell dinner.
592
00:24:29,180 --> 00:24:30,600
Show me some money!
593
00:24:30,680 --> 00:24:32,730
- "The."
- The what?
594
00:24:32,810 --> 00:24:35,020
- The money. "Show me the..."
- No.
595
00:24:35,100 --> 00:24:36,770
All right!
596
00:24:36,850 --> 00:24:38,560
Who wants some prosecco?
597
00:24:38,640 --> 00:24:40,890
No one. Literally no one
ever wants prosecco.
598
00:24:40,980 --> 00:24:42,350
- Give me that.
- Ma'am,
599
00:24:42,430 --> 00:24:43,956
you're gonna be
drowning in money so dark
600
00:24:43,980 --> 00:24:45,980
it could get shot
entering its own apartment.
601
00:24:46,060 --> 00:24:48,430
We gotta leak this
everywhere, OK?
602
00:24:48,520 --> 00:24:51,680
Seriously, it's America's
first two-cooter ticket.
603
00:24:51,770 --> 00:24:54,680
Look great on a button. - And Mike
works for the internet now, right?
604
00:24:54,770 --> 00:24:56,930
- Tell him we got a big scoop.
- Texting him now.
605
00:24:57,020 --> 00:24:58,560
I saw him earlier
at the sundae bar
606
00:24:58,640 --> 00:25:00,680
struggling with
the sprinkle dispenser.
607
00:25:00,770 --> 00:25:02,786
Ma'am, do you want to pick
out an outfit for tonight?
608
00:25:02,810 --> 00:25:04,286
- Oh, yes. Good.
- This color's actually quite strong.
609
00:25:04,310 --> 00:25:05,390
- Ma'am.
- What?
610
00:25:05,470 --> 00:25:07,060
You are not going to believe it.
611
00:25:07,140 --> 00:25:09,390
Tom James is fucking Michelle.
612
00:25:09,470 --> 00:25:10,560
- Who?
- Who?
613
00:25:10,640 --> 00:25:12,980
His Deputy Chief of Staff.
614
00:25:13,060 --> 00:25:15,220
- Who is that?
- I don't know who that is.
615
00:25:15,310 --> 00:25:18,350
- His Amy!
- Oh-ho-ho!
616
00:25:18,430 --> 00:25:19,730
What?!
617
00:25:19,810 --> 00:25:22,560
How dare that smooth shitsack
618
00:25:22,640 --> 00:25:25,890
cheat on his wife
and risk his political future
619
00:25:25,980 --> 00:25:27,560
with someone that's not me?
620
00:25:27,640 --> 00:25:29,770
What about this?
I think it complements
621
00:25:29,850 --> 00:25:31,560
Felix's spray tan really well.
622
00:25:31,640 --> 00:25:34,470
He doesn't give a shit.
Just because Felix Wade
623
00:25:34,560 --> 00:25:37,520
is gayer than an Eames chair
in assless leather chaps
624
00:25:37,600 --> 00:25:39,600
doesn't mean that he's
some sort of fashion diva.
625
00:25:39,680 --> 00:25:41,560
Can you... Arrghh.
626
00:25:41,640 --> 00:25:42,930
Where is Tom James?
627
00:25:43,020 --> 00:25:44,890
Felix Wade is gay?
628
00:25:45,020 --> 00:25:46,430
Thank you, ma'am!
629
00:25:46,520 --> 00:25:48,350
Jonah, even more women
are stepping forward
630
00:25:48,430 --> 00:25:49,770
to say they never dated you.
631
00:25:49,850 --> 00:25:51,680
The NotMe hashtag,
blowin' up big-time.
632
00:25:51,770 --> 00:25:53,220
It's a goddamn movement.
633
00:25:53,310 --> 00:25:55,560
The good news is,
our approval rating
634
00:25:55,640 --> 00:25:57,310
in New Hampshire
is skyrocketing.
635
00:25:57,390 --> 00:25:59,980
Wait, hold that thought.
It's upside-down.
636
00:26:00,060 --> 00:26:01,890
Maybe we should reopen
the Iowa office.
637
00:26:01,980 --> 00:26:04,020
- Let's not do that.
- Congressman Ryan!
638
00:26:04,100 --> 00:26:05,850
Thousands of women
have joined #NotMe
639
00:26:05,930 --> 00:26:07,576
to say they've never dated you
and never will.
640
00:26:07,600 --> 00:26:09,270
Thousands of unattractive women.
641
00:26:09,350 --> 00:26:12,020
- Mrs. Ryan, any comment?
- I stand behind these brave,
642
00:26:12,100 --> 00:26:14,770
unattractive women who have
come forward to say, "Not me."
643
00:26:14,850 --> 00:26:16,930
Once upon a time,
back in high school,
644
00:26:17,020 --> 00:26:18,600
I too did not date Jonah Ryan.
645
00:26:18,680 --> 00:26:21,680
Although I did go out with his
super handsome cousin Ezra.
646
00:26:21,770 --> 00:26:23,930
It's important to note
they only got to third base.
647
00:26:24,020 --> 00:26:25,390
- Thank you.
- No comment.
648
00:26:25,470 --> 00:26:27,100
- Ho ho ho!
- Check out Buzzfeed.
649
00:26:27,180 --> 00:26:28,496
Looks like
we're not the only campaign
650
00:26:28,520 --> 00:26:30,430
who farted and had to
throw their pants away.
651
00:26:30,520 --> 00:26:33,310
Selina Meyer just
outed Felix Wade!
652
00:26:33,390 --> 00:26:35,430
Oh. And there's
another hashtag trending.
653
00:26:35,520 --> 00:26:37,270
EWtoN.
No, that's upside-down.
654
00:26:37,350 --> 00:26:38,980
It's still NotMe.
655
00:26:39,060 --> 00:26:40,780
- You should lock your screen, dude.
- Yeah.
656
00:26:42,020 --> 00:26:43,310
Where is Mike?!
657
00:26:43,390 --> 00:26:45,980
Where is that fat-faced,
freckled fuck-it-up-agus?
658
00:26:46,060 --> 00:26:47,470
Hiding in the bathroom, ma'am,
659
00:26:47,560 --> 00:26:49,020
making pretend diarrhea noises.
660
00:26:49,100 --> 00:26:51,140
I just can't believe that
that second-hand Muppet
661
00:26:51,220 --> 00:26:52,930
wrote an article that
people actually read.
662
00:26:53,020 --> 00:26:54,350
Including Felix.
Who, by the way
663
00:26:54,430 --> 00:26:55,980
ma'am, moved you to table 47
664
00:26:56,060 --> 00:26:57,536
along with his driver
and his daughter.
665
00:26:57,560 --> 00:26:59,430
Oh. OK, well,
666
00:26:59,520 --> 00:27:01,770
I guess I need to go
and congratulate him now.
667
00:27:01,850 --> 00:27:04,560
I'm gonna choke him
with that giant cock of his,
668
00:27:04,640 --> 00:27:06,140
- see how he likes it.
- Ahh.
669
00:27:06,220 --> 00:27:08,020
Ahem.
670
00:27:08,100 --> 00:27:10,310
- Hi there, Tom!
- Hey.
671
00:27:10,390 --> 00:27:12,430
I heard you had
a very busy afternoon
672
00:27:12,520 --> 00:27:14,270
working your staff to the bone.
673
00:27:14,350 --> 00:27:15,850
I'd ask what you did
this afternoon,
674
00:27:15,930 --> 00:27:18,020
but I think I read
something about that.
675
00:27:19,390 --> 00:27:21,770
Did Mrs. James send you
to chaperone?
676
00:27:21,850 --> 00:27:23,180
- Oh, come...
- Me?
677
00:27:23,270 --> 00:27:25,140
Because back in
our old Senate days,
678
00:27:25,220 --> 00:27:28,470
this one here had a real
thing for blond hill rats
679
00:27:28,560 --> 00:27:32,020
in Nine West pumps desperate to
fuck their way to the middle.
680
00:27:32,100 --> 00:27:34,470
- Oh, boy.
- But that was a long time ago, so...
681
00:27:34,560 --> 00:27:37,350
You know what I'd love
is a spicy mescal margarita
682
00:27:37,430 --> 00:27:38,980
with light agave and heavy salt.
683
00:27:40,930 --> 00:27:42,680
What are you looking at him for?
684
00:27:42,770 --> 00:27:46,020
Ma'am, I'm the Senator's
Deputy Chief of Staff.
685
00:27:46,100 --> 00:27:49,060
Congratulations.
Then you probably won't fuck it up.
686
00:27:51,640 --> 00:27:53,390
OK.
687
00:27:53,470 --> 00:27:56,140
Watch where you're goin'!
688
00:27:56,220 --> 00:27:57,730
- Sorry, Madam President.
- Uh-huh.
689
00:27:57,810 --> 00:28:00,390
- Light agave. Yes.
- Yes, Madam President.
690
00:28:00,470 --> 00:28:06,270
God, I feel so sorry for whoever's stickin'
their dick in that bag of mayonnaise.
691
00:28:06,350 --> 00:28:08,140
- I'm gonna go find my seat.
- Yeah.
692
00:28:08,220 --> 00:28:10,810
Well, give my regards
to Felix and his checkbook.
693
00:28:10,890 --> 00:28:14,810
Sadly, I am not the recipient
of Mr. Wade's munificence.
694
00:28:14,890 --> 00:28:16,390
Wha...
695
00:28:16,470 --> 00:28:19,470
Well, he sure as shit
didn't pick me.
696
00:28:19,560 --> 00:28:21,730
Oh, did he?
Have you met Senator Talbot?
697
00:28:21,810 --> 00:28:25,350
I like to say she's the future of
the party. I mean, look at her!
698
00:28:25,430 --> 00:28:27,390
Fuck me in the Aspen.
699
00:28:27,470 --> 00:28:29,310
She's running for president?
700
00:28:29,390 --> 00:28:31,140
I don't know what she is,
but it's great.
701
00:28:31,220 --> 00:28:32,890
- It's great. So exciting.
- It is great.
702
00:28:32,980 --> 00:28:34,770
- So exciting.
- So exciting.
703
00:28:34,850 --> 00:28:38,390
The tri-racial twat
stabbed me in the back!
704
00:28:38,470 --> 00:28:40,560
She really is your protégée.
705
00:28:41,730 --> 00:28:44,270
I'll see ya on the trail.
706
00:28:44,350 --> 00:28:46,390
It's so nice
to be back home in Iowa.
707
00:28:46,470 --> 00:28:47,980
Place is a dump.
708
00:28:48,060 --> 00:28:50,366
New polls from New Hampshire.
Seems you just left yesterday,
709
00:28:50,390 --> 00:28:51,850
but your numbers
are already way up.
710
00:28:51,930 --> 00:28:53,770
- Yeah?
- Oh, wait. Actually...
711
00:28:53,850 --> 00:28:55,310
- That's right, way up.
- Oh, nice.
712
00:28:55,390 --> 00:28:57,390
Maybe I should just
stop campaigning altogether.
713
00:28:57,470 --> 00:28:58,520
Couldn't hurt.
714
00:28:58,600 --> 00:29:00,100
There are
some more boxes in the car.
715
00:29:00,180 --> 00:29:02,020
- Will you go grab those?
- Yeah, I'm happy to.
716
00:29:02,100 --> 00:29:03,640
Oh, remember,
lift with your back.
717
00:29:03,730 --> 00:29:05,140
It's your legs.
L-Legs.
718
00:29:05,220 --> 00:29:06,350
No, you lift with your back.
719
00:29:06,430 --> 00:29:08,560
- Oh. That's incorrect.
- OK, well.
720
00:29:08,640 --> 00:29:11,350
That could probably be the
main cause of your scoliosis.
721
00:29:11,430 --> 00:29:12,770
I have scoliosis?
722
00:29:12,850 --> 00:29:14,100
Oh, yes.
Clearly.
54094
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