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1
00:00:25,914 --> 00:00:28,876
##[A Life Of Illusion playing]
2
00:00:42,056 --> 00:00:43,599
[Alarm buzzing]
3
00:01:06,872 --> 00:01:08,248
[Grunts]
4
00:01:18,217 --> 00:01:19,510
[Grunting]
5
00:01:55,963 --> 00:01:58,048
Hey, Andy!
What's up, dude?
6
00:01:58,132 --> 00:02:00,259
Hey, Joe. Hey, Sara.
How you doing?
7
00:02:00,342 --> 00:02:01,510
When you going to
get a car?
8
00:02:01,552 --> 00:02:04,763
Hey, why don't you
get a car?
I can't afford it.
9
00:02:05,305 --> 00:02:06,849
[Laughing]
10
00:02:06,890 --> 00:02:10,310
So, Survivor tomorrow night.
We on?
See you then.
11
00:02:10,394 --> 00:02:12,187
I'll bring a soda.
Hey, enjoy your orange.
12
00:02:12,229 --> 00:02:14,231
Okay, take care.
See you. Bye-bye.
13
00:02:15,274 --> 00:02:18,777
That guy needs to get laid.
Tell me something
I don't know.
14
00:02:18,861 --> 00:02:19,820
[Chuckles]
15
00:02:35,419 --> 00:02:36,628
Good morning.
16
00:02:41,925 --> 00:02:44,303
Excuse me. Pardon me.
17
00:02:45,637 --> 00:02:46,764
Sorry.
18
00:02:47,222 --> 00:02:49,099
[Car horn blaring]
19
00:02:55,856 --> 00:02:57,566
Excuse me.
Thank you.
20
00:03:00,110 --> 00:03:02,404
Good morning.
Hey.
21
00:03:02,571 --> 00:03:04,573
Good morning, Paula.
Andy.
22
00:03:06,241 --> 00:03:08,494
Excuse me.
I have a question.
23
00:03:09,036 --> 00:03:13,916
What is the difference between
Hi8 and Digital video tapes?
24
00:03:14,375 --> 00:03:16,585
I'm not a salesman,
so, I could probably...
25
00:03:16,669 --> 00:03:19,380
Welcome to Smart Tech.
How can I be of service
to you?
26
00:03:19,546 --> 00:03:21,006
Well, I was just
wondering...
27
00:03:21,090 --> 00:03:23,592
what is the difference
between these?
28
00:03:24,426 --> 00:03:27,346
(Jay)
Well, if I'm photographing
someone as fine as yourself...
29
00:03:27,429 --> 00:03:29,181
I'd probably go Digital.
30
00:03:31,975 --> 00:03:36,230
# Hey, don't worry
I've been lied to ##
31
00:03:42,319 --> 00:03:45,280
My God.
Sorry I'm late, man.
No problem.
32
00:03:46,365 --> 00:03:47,658
Oh, man.
33
00:03:48,784 --> 00:03:50,744
I had a weekend.
Yeah?
34
00:03:51,120 --> 00:03:54,164
We went to Tijuana, Mexico,
you know...
35
00:03:54,248 --> 00:03:57,167
and we thought
it would be fun, you know,
to go to this show.
36
00:03:57,251 --> 00:03:59,586
Everyone's, "You gotta
check out one of these shows. "
37
00:03:59,628 --> 00:04:02,172
And, you know,
it's a woman fucking a horse.
38
00:04:02,464 --> 00:04:05,718
We get there,
and, you know, we think
it's gonna be awesome...
39
00:04:05,801 --> 00:04:09,179
and it is not as cool
as it sounds like
it would be, man.
40
00:04:09,555 --> 00:04:11,765
It's kind of gross.
Yeah.
41
00:04:11,807 --> 00:04:13,475
You think,
"A woman fucking a horse"...
42
00:04:13,559 --> 00:04:15,144
and you get there
and it's...
43
00:04:15,227 --> 00:04:17,104
a woman fucking a horse.
Yeah.
44
00:04:17,146 --> 00:04:19,148
It was really
giving it to her.
45
00:04:19,440 --> 00:04:20,566
And you know what...
46
00:04:20,649 --> 00:04:23,277
to be honest, I felt
bad for her. We all
just felt bad for her.
47
00:04:23,360 --> 00:04:25,029
Yeah.
Kind of felt bad
for the horse.
48
00:04:25,112 --> 00:04:28,323
Wow, that's something.
So what did you get up to?
49
00:04:29,158 --> 00:04:32,453
You know, I just kind
of hung out. I was...
50
00:04:33,037 --> 00:04:34,413
God, Friday,
when I went home...
51
00:04:34,455 --> 00:04:36,790
I really wanted
an egg-salad sandwich.
52
00:04:36,832 --> 00:04:38,834
And I was just obsessing
about it and I was like:
53
00:04:38,917 --> 00:04:40,919
"Man, I'm gonna
make one of those. "
54
00:04:40,961 --> 00:04:44,465
So Saturday I went out
and I got, like,
a dozen eggs...
55
00:04:44,548 --> 00:04:47,134
and I boiled them all
and then I just...
56
00:04:47,217 --> 00:04:50,179
I spent, I don't know,
probably three hours...
57
00:04:52,181 --> 00:04:53,849
like, three-and-a-half hours
making...
58
00:04:53,932 --> 00:04:57,978
you know, the mayonnaise
and the onions and paprika...
59
00:04:58,062 --> 00:05:00,105
and, you know,
all the accoutrement.
60
00:05:00,189 --> 00:05:01,648
And then, by the time
I was done...
61
00:05:01,732 --> 00:05:03,317
I just really didn't feel
like eating it.
62
00:05:03,400 --> 00:05:05,944
I can imagine.
And I didn't have any bread.
63
00:05:06,570 --> 00:05:09,865
So, you know,
it was pretty good.
It was a good weekend.
64
00:05:10,324 --> 00:05:12,993
Sounds pretty awesome.
Yeah, it was fine.
65
00:05:13,077 --> 00:05:14,453
Sounds really fun.
66
00:05:15,496 --> 00:05:16,997
Cool.
Cool.
67
00:05:17,081 --> 00:05:18,457
Cool, cool.
68
00:05:21,627 --> 00:05:23,170
Hey, Paula.
Yeah.
69
00:05:23,253 --> 00:05:25,756
I gotta tell you something.
I'm really excited about it.
70
00:05:25,839 --> 00:05:29,218
For the first time today,
I woke up...
71
00:05:29,635 --> 00:05:33,597
I came to the store,
and I feel confident
to say to you...
72
00:05:33,806 --> 00:05:36,308
that if you don't take
this Michael McDonald DVD...
73
00:05:36,392 --> 00:05:38,769
that you've been playing
for two years straight, off...
74
00:05:38,811 --> 00:05:40,521
I'm going to kill everyone
in the store...
75
00:05:40,604 --> 00:05:42,481
and put a bullet
in my brain.
76
00:05:42,856 --> 00:05:46,276
David, what do you suggest
we play?
I don't care. Anything.
77
00:05:46,485 --> 00:05:49,321
I would rather watch
Beautician and the Beast.
78
00:05:49,405 --> 00:05:51,949
I would rather listen
to Fran Drescher
for eight hours...
79
00:05:52,032 --> 00:05:53,826
than have to listen
to Michael McDonald.
80
00:05:53,909 --> 00:05:57,121
Nothing against him,
but if I hear Yah Mo B There
one more time...
81
00:05:57,204 --> 00:05:59,665
I'm gonna yah mo
burn this place
to the ground.
82
00:05:59,707 --> 00:06:02,626
You're such a smart ass.
Get back on the floor.
83
00:06:04,837 --> 00:06:06,088
[Garbled]
Fuck you.
84
00:06:06,171 --> 00:06:07,256
[Clears throat]
85
00:06:07,464 --> 00:06:10,092
This is a great TV.
Nothing beats a plasma.
86
00:06:10,175 --> 00:06:11,760
What are you doing?
That's my customer.
87
00:06:11,844 --> 00:06:15,014
It certainly is not.
When I came upon her,
she was unattended.
88
00:06:15,097 --> 00:06:16,765
No, that's my...
Wait.
89
00:06:16,849 --> 00:06:18,892
Go to the checkout there.
Pick up there, please.
90
00:06:18,976 --> 00:06:20,769
She was unattended
because I went to the back...
91
00:06:20,853 --> 00:06:22,646
to get the brochure
that she requested.
92
00:06:22,688 --> 00:06:24,189
I apologize,
but it's too late.
93
00:06:24,273 --> 00:06:25,774
The transaction
has been completed.
94
00:06:25,858 --> 00:06:27,609
Then you're gonna give me
half the commission.
95
00:06:27,651 --> 00:06:29,153
You'll receive
none of the commission.
96
00:06:29,194 --> 00:06:30,654
I need to talk to Paula.
This is crazy.
97
00:06:30,738 --> 00:06:31,780
This is bullshit.
98
00:06:31,822 --> 00:06:33,699
Every time I make a sale,
you go crying to Paula.
99
00:06:33,782 --> 00:06:37,077
How about Jesse Jackson?
Old Jesse needs a cause.
100
00:06:37,161 --> 00:06:38,704
Sick of you poaching
my customers.
101
00:06:38,787 --> 00:06:40,289
I'm sick of your
crybaby bullshit.
102
00:06:40,331 --> 00:06:43,334
You wanna take this
shit outside? Just take it
outside and squash it?
103
00:06:43,417 --> 00:06:46,670
Let's stay inside,
so everybody can see
what a pussy you have, okay?
104
00:06:46,754 --> 00:06:50,215
Because when I remove
the blade I keep in my boot
from its sheath...
105
00:06:50,299 --> 00:06:53,135
I can't return it
until it has spilled blood.
106
00:06:53,177 --> 00:06:56,472
Look, listen to me.
You are fucking
with the wrong nigger.
107
00:06:57,056 --> 00:07:00,476
Hey! You're fucking with
the wrong sun-nigger, okay?
108
00:07:00,517 --> 00:07:03,020
Dude, I will hang your old ass
by your turban.
109
00:07:03,312 --> 00:07:06,315
Turban now? Do you see
any fucking turban here?
110
00:07:06,357 --> 00:07:08,025
Do I talk like a turban guy?
111
00:07:08,108 --> 00:07:11,028
Do I say, "Hey, Jay,
do you want a Slurpee?
You want a Slurpee?"
112
00:07:11,070 --> 00:07:14,323
Fuck you, okay?
I was born in Brooklyn.
113
00:07:14,365 --> 00:07:15,449
Brooklyn, okay?
114
00:07:15,532 --> 00:07:19,119
My accent is a fucking
Brooklyn accent, okay? Okay?
115
00:07:19,203 --> 00:07:20,496
All right, man.
Calm down, dude.
116
00:07:20,579 --> 00:07:22,748
Look, you still covering
my shift on Friday or what?
117
00:07:22,831 --> 00:07:25,751
If I can keep this commission,
with pleasure.
118
00:07:25,834 --> 00:07:28,671
Cool, then. All right, pop.
No problem.
119
00:07:31,632 --> 00:07:33,300
How about Andy?
No.
120
00:07:33,676 --> 00:07:35,219
Come on, man.
We need, what,
five guys...
121
00:07:35,302 --> 00:07:36,804
to play a decent
poker game, right?
Yeah.
122
00:07:36,887 --> 00:07:38,472
If we cancel this,
I'm gonna have to go...
123
00:07:38,555 --> 00:07:40,474
to some stupid-ass
birthday party with Jill...
124
00:07:40,557 --> 00:07:41,809
and that shit
ain't happening.
125
00:07:41,892 --> 00:07:43,352
No.
(David)
Why not?
126
00:07:43,727 --> 00:07:47,231
He's a really nice guy and all
but I'm pretty sure that...
127
00:07:47,314 --> 00:07:48,691
he is a serial murderer.
128
00:07:48,732 --> 00:07:50,484
Who cares, man?
He's a nice guy.
129
00:07:50,526 --> 00:07:52,861
I just wanna get drunk,
fucked up,
and play some cards.
130
00:07:52,903 --> 00:07:55,030
That's great.
Look, I don't wanna
end up a lampshade...
131
00:07:55,114 --> 00:07:57,157
in some creepy apartment,
that's what I'm saying.
132
00:07:57,199 --> 00:07:59,243
I don't really see
any other options.
133
00:07:59,326 --> 00:08:01,870
Andy. My man.
134
00:08:02,871 --> 00:08:04,707
You got any plans
later on tonight?
135
00:08:04,790 --> 00:08:07,042
Why, do we have to unload
the Sony truck?
136
00:08:07,084 --> 00:08:10,170
No, the guys
are getting together,
we're playing some poker...
137
00:08:10,254 --> 00:08:12,256
thought, you know,
you'd wanna play.
138
00:08:12,548 --> 00:08:13,799
With you guys?
139
00:08:15,384 --> 00:08:17,886
Yeah, sure.
That would be cool.
140
00:08:18,095 --> 00:08:21,348
You know how to play, right?
Yeah, I play online sometimes.
141
00:08:21,390 --> 00:08:23,684
We're gonna play
in the store.
Great.
142
00:08:23,892 --> 00:08:25,394
Are we allowed
to do that?
143
00:08:25,477 --> 00:08:27,104
Absolutely not.
Yeah.
144
00:08:27,312 --> 00:08:28,313
Oh.
145
00:08:28,564 --> 00:08:30,482
Well, so I'm gonna
go tell Paula.
146
00:08:31,734 --> 00:08:33,152
I'm just kidding.
147
00:08:33,235 --> 00:08:36,363
I'm kidding.
That sounds great. Cool,
I'll see you guys tonight.
148
00:08:36,405 --> 00:08:37,448
Okay.
All right.
149
00:08:37,531 --> 00:08:39,199
[Clattering]
Oops.
150
00:08:41,118 --> 00:08:43,162
I almost feel guilty.
No, you don't.
151
00:08:57,551 --> 00:08:58,969
Going down!
152
00:08:59,595 --> 00:09:01,388
Going down!
153
00:09:01,472 --> 00:09:02,723
Dumbass.
154
00:09:03,557 --> 00:09:05,059
And a full house.
155
00:09:05,476 --> 00:09:06,852
Oh, my dukes!
What?
156
00:09:06,977 --> 00:09:09,355
How much fucking online poker
do you play, dawg?
157
00:09:09,396 --> 00:09:12,441
For like an hour or two
a night, when I'm not
playing Halo.
158
00:09:12,941 --> 00:09:15,402
Why did you invite this guy?
He's a fucking ringer, man.
159
00:09:15,486 --> 00:09:16,695
This is hog shit.
160
00:09:16,737 --> 00:09:18,947
You, you're a fucking asshole
to tell me to come here.
161
00:09:19,031 --> 00:09:20,866
You tell me he was a nice guy,
didn't you?
162
00:09:20,908 --> 00:09:23,243
Well, fuck you people,
and fuck you, you and you...
163
00:09:23,327 --> 00:09:26,330
fuck and kiss my big brown
fucking ass, okay?
164
00:09:26,413 --> 00:09:27,748
(Jay)
I'm gonna see you tomorrow.
165
00:09:27,831 --> 00:09:28,874
Peace.
All right, man.
166
00:09:28,957 --> 00:09:30,167
(Mooj)
Fuck a goat.
167
00:09:30,250 --> 00:09:31,460
[All laughing]
168
00:09:31,543 --> 00:09:33,379
Good night.
I love that guy.
169
00:09:33,420 --> 00:09:36,382
Dude, you totally...
Oh, shit, I gotta go. Damn.
170
00:09:36,423 --> 00:09:38,092
About to go see Ellen
in a little bit.
171
00:09:38,175 --> 00:09:39,635
Going now?
Late-night action, huh?
172
00:09:39,718 --> 00:09:40,803
Dude, you know
how it goes.
173
00:09:40,886 --> 00:09:43,347
Does your girlfriend know
about all these
late-night visits?
174
00:09:43,430 --> 00:09:45,015
It's like an unspoken
agreement. Yeah.
175
00:09:45,099 --> 00:09:48,143
It's like a completely
and utterly unspoken
agreement.
176
00:09:48,227 --> 00:09:50,396
If you knew her, if you knew
who I was dealing with...
177
00:09:50,437 --> 00:09:51,689
you wouldn't be
saying this shit.
178
00:09:51,772 --> 00:09:53,649
There's nothing you can't do
with this woman...
179
00:09:53,732 --> 00:09:55,818
straight up and down.
I've done
every single thing...
180
00:09:55,901 --> 00:09:57,778
I could possibly create.
I've literally lubed up...
181
00:09:57,861 --> 00:10:00,239
and made love to the arches
of her feet. All right.
182
00:10:00,280 --> 00:10:01,365
Wow!
(Jay)
Yeah.
183
00:10:01,448 --> 00:10:03,117
Foot fuck!
That's sick, man.
184
00:10:03,200 --> 00:10:04,702
Wow.
That is not sick.
185
00:10:05,119 --> 00:10:07,079
I will give you sick.
Oh, shit.
186
00:10:07,121 --> 00:10:09,915
I was sleeping with a woman
recently, she had the...
187
00:10:09,999 --> 00:10:13,293
Her tits were unbelievable.
Oh, man, I love titties.
188
00:10:13,919 --> 00:10:16,463
And so we're doing it
and I'm about to finish...
189
00:10:16,547 --> 00:10:18,549
and her dog starts
licking my ass.
190
00:10:18,632 --> 00:10:22,970
I swear to God, I have
to decide, do I finish
or do I stop the dog?
191
00:10:23,053 --> 00:10:24,930
I know your nasty ass.
He finished.
192
00:10:25,014 --> 00:10:27,391
I finished.
And then I stole the dog.
193
00:10:28,600 --> 00:10:30,310
No, I didn't, but...
194
00:10:30,602 --> 00:10:33,063
You know, sometimes,
Amy and I would make love...
195
00:10:33,105 --> 00:10:35,232
till it was almost like
we weren't two people...
196
00:10:35,315 --> 00:10:37,985
but we were two spirits
or something.
197
00:10:38,068 --> 00:10:41,238
Our souls were
connected in this way,
I can't describe it.
198
00:10:41,321 --> 00:10:44,908
Time stood still.
It was like we were
sharing the same heart.
199
00:10:44,992 --> 00:10:48,787
Stop, man! Why do you
always come and kill the vibe
with those things?
200
00:10:48,871 --> 00:10:50,831
"Sharing the same heart,"
that's like some...
201
00:10:50,914 --> 00:10:52,041
Britney Spears shit, man.
202
00:10:52,124 --> 00:10:55,085
This is three grown ass men,
don't nobody want to hear
that shit.
203
00:10:55,169 --> 00:10:57,421
Yeah, man, come on,
nobody wants to
hear that shit.
204
00:10:57,504 --> 00:11:00,090
Thank you, Andy.
Dude, you broke up
two years ago.
205
00:11:00,132 --> 00:11:02,593
You get over it
at some point.
Two years, man.
206
00:11:02,634 --> 00:11:04,219
You need to get past that...
207
00:11:04,303 --> 00:11:07,514
because no ass
is worth thinking
that much about...
208
00:11:07,848 --> 00:11:09,099
I always say.
209
00:11:09,350 --> 00:11:10,768
Andy, do me a favor.
210
00:11:10,851 --> 00:11:14,271
Would you please help him
redeem himself by telling
a real sex story?
211
00:11:14,313 --> 00:11:15,314
Yes.
212
00:11:16,607 --> 00:11:20,027
I don't... You know what,
I'm a gentleman
and I don't...
213
00:11:20,569 --> 00:11:21,904
I don't kiss and tell.
214
00:11:21,945 --> 00:11:25,282
Fuck it, I raise you.
Nastiest shit
you've ever done.
215
00:11:25,574 --> 00:11:27,284
I'm talking about nasty.
216
00:11:28,494 --> 00:11:29,536
Wow.
217
00:11:29,661 --> 00:11:32,706
So many stories
are running through
my head right now.
218
00:11:34,792 --> 00:11:36,251
I dated this girl...
219
00:11:36,835 --> 00:11:40,422
for a while, and she was
really a nasty freak.
220
00:11:40,506 --> 00:11:45,386
She just loved to get down
with sex all the time.
221
00:11:45,469 --> 00:11:48,013
She was like, any time of day,
she was like:
222
00:11:48,097 --> 00:11:50,808
"Yeah, let's go.
I'm so nasty. "
223
00:11:50,933 --> 00:11:52,226
And I'd be nailing her.
224
00:11:52,309 --> 00:11:53,519
Oh, shit.
She'd be like:
225
00:11:53,602 --> 00:11:55,979
"Oh, you're nailing me. Cool. "
226
00:11:56,188 --> 00:11:59,650
She talk dirty to you?
She loved to dirty-talk.
227
00:12:00,317 --> 00:12:02,528
Totally into it.
She'd be like:
228
00:12:02,611 --> 00:12:07,574
"Yeah, let's screw, let's...
I wanna fuck. "
229
00:12:08,575 --> 00:12:10,202
God, it was so dirty.
230
00:12:10,661 --> 00:12:14,790
She'd be like, "Me so horny,
me love you long time. "
231
00:12:15,040 --> 00:12:16,083
So...
232
00:12:16,166 --> 00:12:19,044
(Jay)
So what were the titties like?
Yeah, describe her...
233
00:12:19,128 --> 00:12:21,213
Yeah, she had great tits.
234
00:12:21,338 --> 00:12:24,466
No, I mean, like, detailed.
Did she have, like,
you know...
235
00:12:24,550 --> 00:12:26,343
them little pink
teeny nipples.
Oh, yeah.
236
00:12:26,427 --> 00:12:28,929
(Jay)
Or like the long
National Geographic nipples.
237
00:12:29,013 --> 00:12:31,557
You have like
the bumpy Braille nipples,
the Stevie Wonders.
238
00:12:31,640 --> 00:12:32,975
(Andy)
Yeah, they were nice.
239
00:12:33,058 --> 00:12:36,311
You know, when you, like,
you grab a woman's breast
and it's...
240
00:12:36,645 --> 00:12:38,814
And you feel it and...
241
00:12:39,648 --> 00:12:43,610
it feels like a bag of sand
when you're touching it.
242
00:12:44,862 --> 00:12:46,280
Bag of sand?
243
00:12:48,490 --> 00:12:50,534
You know what I mean.
Why don't we just play?
244
00:12:50,617 --> 00:12:52,286
Why don't you just
deal the cards?
245
00:12:52,327 --> 00:12:53,954
What are you
talking about?
246
00:12:54,038 --> 00:12:56,123
Have you ever felt
a breast before, man?
247
00:12:56,165 --> 00:12:57,166
Yes.
248
00:12:57,249 --> 00:12:59,793
Dude, are you gay?
No, I'm not gay.
249
00:12:59,877 --> 00:13:01,503
I've been with
tons of women.
250
00:13:01,587 --> 00:13:03,630
I touched a guy's balls
at Hebrew school once.
251
00:13:03,672 --> 00:13:05,674
Dude, it's not a big deal.
You like to fuck guys.
252
00:13:05,716 --> 00:13:08,344
I'm cool. I got friends
who fuck guys, in jail.
253
00:13:08,552 --> 00:13:09,803
No, I'm not gay.
254
00:13:09,845 --> 00:13:12,848
No, I've borked a lot of women
in my day.
255
00:13:12,931 --> 00:13:14,058
You've "borked"?
256
00:13:14,308 --> 00:13:17,102
Hold up.
Yo, answer this question:
257
00:13:18,145 --> 00:13:19,480
Are you a virgin?
258
00:13:21,065 --> 00:13:22,441
Are you a virgin?
259
00:13:22,608 --> 00:13:24,860
Yeah, not since I was 10.
260
00:13:24,943 --> 00:13:27,488
It all makes sense.
You're a virgin.
261
00:13:27,571 --> 00:13:30,115
I am... Shut up.
How does that happen?
262
00:13:30,199 --> 00:13:31,617
He's a fucking virgin.
263
00:13:31,700 --> 00:13:34,995
I knew it. That makes
so much sense, man.
Look, he's a virgin.
264
00:13:35,037 --> 00:13:37,331
You guys are hilarious.
All right, come on,
don't be mean.
265
00:13:37,414 --> 00:13:39,500
I'm not being mean.
I'm trying to
help the partner out.
266
00:13:39,583 --> 00:13:41,335
I'm trying to say
I wanna get you laid, dude.
267
00:13:41,377 --> 00:13:42,586
I understand
what's going on.
268
00:13:42,670 --> 00:13:45,506
You guys are so up your asses.
269
00:13:45,673 --> 00:13:49,093
From now on,
your dick is my dick.
I'm getting you some pussy.
270
00:13:49,176 --> 00:13:51,053
[Men laughing]
271
00:13:59,520 --> 00:14:03,982
A bag of sand! Come on, man!
You could do better than that.
272
00:14:04,400 --> 00:14:07,861
God, me so horny?
Me so stupid!
273
00:14:08,195 --> 00:14:10,322
[Yelling]
274
00:14:13,951 --> 00:14:15,494
Oh, come on.
275
00:14:15,828 --> 00:14:17,454
[Laughing]
276
00:14:18,706 --> 00:14:21,250
It's gonna be fine.
They don't even remember.
277
00:14:21,333 --> 00:14:23,085
Those guys are cool.
278
00:14:28,173 --> 00:14:29,508
[Alarm buzzing]
279
00:14:30,884 --> 00:14:32,386
This is gonna be bad.
280
00:14:33,595 --> 00:14:35,180
(Andy)
Yeah, well,
virgin's not a dirty word.
281
00:14:35,264 --> 00:14:37,307
You know what's a dirty word,
is asshole...
282
00:14:37,391 --> 00:14:38,851
and that's what you guys are.
283
00:14:38,934 --> 00:14:42,187
You know,
I may not have had sex,
but I could fuck you up.
284
00:14:44,189 --> 00:14:45,399
Yeah.
285
00:14:50,863 --> 00:14:52,072
Come on.
286
00:14:55,159 --> 00:14:56,910
Hey, David.
Hey, Andy.
287
00:15:00,080 --> 00:15:02,166
What's up?
Cal, good morning.
288
00:15:07,713 --> 00:15:09,214
(Haziz)
Hey, Andy.
Hey.
289
00:15:09,298 --> 00:15:11,216
We're gonna have to get you
some punani.
290
00:15:11,300 --> 00:15:12,718
[Both guffawing]
291
00:15:13,802 --> 00:15:17,181
Andy, it's going down,
partner. We're gonna be...
292
00:15:17,222 --> 00:15:18,515
[moaning]
293
00:15:19,558 --> 00:15:21,810
This for you, partner,
this for you.
294
00:15:21,894 --> 00:15:24,855
Waves of them coming at you
on Friday, Saturday.
295
00:15:24,897 --> 00:15:27,524
By Sunday,
your nuts gonna be drained.
296
00:15:27,566 --> 00:15:31,195
Hey, Andy, don't let him
bother you. It's okay
not to have sex.
297
00:15:31,779 --> 00:15:33,739
Not everybody
is a pussy magnet.
298
00:15:33,781 --> 00:15:37,743
What are you? 25?
I'm 40.
299
00:15:37,910 --> 00:15:40,537
Holy shit, man.
You've got to get on that.
300
00:15:40,704 --> 00:15:44,917
Life isn't about sex.
Life is about children
and passion.
301
00:15:45,334 --> 00:15:46,335
Yeah.
302
00:15:46,418 --> 00:15:48,504
And spirit.
Yeah, life's about passion.
303
00:15:48,587 --> 00:15:51,131
It's not about fucking
and balls and pussy.
304
00:15:51,215 --> 00:15:54,510
It's about love.
It's about people.
305
00:15:55,260 --> 00:15:58,097
It's about connection.
It's all about connections.
306
00:15:58,180 --> 00:16:02,351
It's not about cock
and ass and tits
and butthole pleasures.
307
00:16:02,393 --> 00:16:04,144
It's not about
butthole pleasures at all.
308
00:16:04,228 --> 00:16:07,439
It's not about
this rusty trombone
and dirty Sanchez.
309
00:16:07,523 --> 00:16:10,484
Please stop.
And Cincinnati bowtie.
310
00:16:10,651 --> 00:16:15,406
And your pussy juice cocktail
and this shit-stained balls.
311
00:16:15,489 --> 00:16:16,990
Mooj, just please stop.
Just relax...
312
00:16:17,074 --> 00:16:19,243
All right.
That's enough, party's over.
313
00:16:19,576 --> 00:16:21,286
Let the virgin
get back to work.
314
00:16:25,708 --> 00:16:26,834
Andy!
315
00:16:27,126 --> 00:16:29,503
Andy, come on.
We were just kidding.
316
00:16:29,878 --> 00:16:30,921
Pointless.
317
00:16:31,005 --> 00:16:33,298
Andy, nobody cares
that you're a virgin.
318
00:16:33,382 --> 00:16:35,217
Don't be such a baby.
319
00:16:35,300 --> 00:16:37,678
They were just having fun.
They didn't mean anything.
320
00:16:37,761 --> 00:16:39,555
Get away from me, David.
Wait a minute.
321
00:16:39,596 --> 00:16:41,515
Stop following me!
Hold up.
322
00:16:45,102 --> 00:16:46,937
Hold on.
I'm gonna have to
quit my job now.
323
00:16:47,021 --> 00:16:48,272
You don't have to
quit your job.
324
00:16:48,355 --> 00:16:50,190
You know what, I don't wanna
go out with you guys.
325
00:16:50,274 --> 00:16:51,567
Fine.
Okay? I don't need your help.
326
00:16:51,650 --> 00:16:54,153
Okay, fine, you don't
have to go out with us
if you don't want.
327
00:16:54,236 --> 00:16:56,739
You know what,
I respect women,
I love women.
328
00:16:57,114 --> 00:17:00,451
I respect them so much
that I completely
stay away from them.
329
00:17:00,701 --> 00:17:02,911
Okay.
I have a very fulfilling life.
330
00:17:03,412 --> 00:17:04,997
##[Playing]
331
00:17:06,707 --> 00:17:10,544
And now, I am making
your silver pants blue.
332
00:17:11,545 --> 00:17:13,547
Get some roadburn, come on!
333
00:17:13,839 --> 00:17:16,008
Come on, sucker!
334
00:17:16,091 --> 00:17:19,428
# Now, pretty ladies
around the world #
335
00:17:19,595 --> 00:17:21,638
# Got a weird thing
to show you ##
336
00:17:21,764 --> 00:17:22,890
[laughing]
337
00:17:22,973 --> 00:17:24,558
Oh, my God!
338
00:17:28,771 --> 00:17:31,565
Hey, Will and Grace,
back to work.
339
00:17:31,607 --> 00:17:33,817
Hey, Haziz, can you just
give us a second?
340
00:17:33,901 --> 00:17:36,195
We're just kind of
in the middle of something.
341
00:17:36,278 --> 00:17:37,946
I'm on my break, okay?
342
00:17:38,030 --> 00:17:40,449
Fuck off, Haziz.
Leave us alone, all right?
343
00:17:40,532 --> 00:17:42,618
Fuck off? Fuck you!
Fuck you!
344
00:17:42,701 --> 00:17:44,662
Fuck you! Fuck off.
Fuck off.
345
00:17:44,745 --> 00:17:46,455
I'm gonna kick you
in the nuts, asshole.
346
00:17:46,538 --> 00:17:49,750
Hey, hey!
Watch the language, okay?
I have a family.
347
00:17:49,833 --> 00:17:50,918
Watch how you talk to me!
348
00:17:51,001 --> 00:17:54,004
It's a free country, Bambi.
I can smoke out here
if I want to.
349
00:17:54,088 --> 00:17:55,339
Smoke my pole.
350
00:17:55,422 --> 00:17:57,716
You are a very unkind man.
Get inside!
351
00:17:57,800 --> 00:17:59,093
This is not professional.
352
00:17:59,176 --> 00:18:01,470
Paula,
this asshole over here...
353
00:18:01,553 --> 00:18:03,347
It's okay.
(Haziz)
Paula!
354
00:18:03,472 --> 00:18:05,933
It's all right. Come on.
You know, it's just...
355
00:18:06,475 --> 00:18:08,310
So, how could this
not have happened?
356
00:18:08,394 --> 00:18:10,270
It just never happened.
357
00:18:10,729 --> 00:18:14,108
When I was young, I tried,
and it didn't happen.
358
00:18:14,775 --> 00:18:18,195
And then I got older and I got
more and more nervous...
359
00:18:18,320 --> 00:18:21,740
because it hadn't
happened yet.
And I got kind of...
360
00:18:22,700 --> 00:18:25,369
weirded out about it.
Then it really
didn't happen...
361
00:18:25,452 --> 00:18:28,622
and then, I don't know,
I just kind of stopped trying.
362
00:18:29,164 --> 00:18:31,375
Do you want to give it
another shot?
363
00:18:31,458 --> 00:18:33,210
Maybe it's too late.
364
00:18:34,294 --> 00:18:37,131
Sometimes I feel that
it is just too late for me.
365
00:18:37,673 --> 00:18:39,508
No, that's crazy.
366
00:18:39,591 --> 00:18:42,553
You're 40 years old.
You know, 40 is the new 20.
367
00:18:42,636 --> 00:18:44,596
You wanna spend
the next 60 years
of your life...
368
00:18:44,680 --> 00:18:46,181
never experiencing sex?
369
00:18:46,265 --> 00:18:48,308
And not just sex, but love...
370
00:18:48,392 --> 00:18:53,313
and a relationship,
and laughing and cuddling
and all that shit.
371
00:18:53,981 --> 00:18:55,315
I don't know.
372
00:18:56,525 --> 00:18:59,695
I wouldn't know what to do.
Look, you gotta take a risk.
373
00:18:59,778 --> 00:19:01,447
You gotta risk it.
Look at me.
374
00:19:01,488 --> 00:19:03,407
I went out with this girl
for four months...
375
00:19:03,490 --> 00:19:05,200
and it was the greatest...
376
00:19:05,868 --> 00:19:07,619
greatest thing in my life.
377
00:19:08,537 --> 00:19:12,458
Until she went down on this
guy in an Escalade, I think.
378
00:19:13,125 --> 00:19:14,626
And, you know,
instead of saying:
379
00:19:14,710 --> 00:19:17,713
"Okay, what am I doing
that caused this behavior?"...
380
00:19:17,796 --> 00:19:19,631
I dumped her. Stupid decision.
381
00:19:19,673 --> 00:19:22,551
I spent the last two years
of my life regretting it.
382
00:19:22,634 --> 00:19:24,511
Why don't you
get her back right now?
383
00:19:24,595 --> 00:19:26,680
Because she's dating
this pot dealer.
384
00:19:26,764 --> 00:19:28,390
Stupid horrible decision.
385
00:19:28,474 --> 00:19:31,643
But, hey, that's her journey,
you know.
I gotta respect that.
386
00:19:31,685 --> 00:19:32,978
I gotta give her the space.
387
00:19:33,020 --> 00:19:36,982
She wants to be
some immature little bitch
and blow everybody...
388
00:19:37,024 --> 00:19:39,068
that's love, man.
It sounds horrible.
389
00:19:39,151 --> 00:19:41,278
Of course it's horrible.
It's suffering...
390
00:19:41,362 --> 00:19:43,906
and it's pain and it's...
You know, you lose weight...
391
00:19:43,989 --> 00:19:45,449
and then you
put back on weight...
392
00:19:45,532 --> 00:19:47,618
and then you call them
a bunch of times...
393
00:19:47,701 --> 00:19:51,080
and you try and email
and then they move
or they change their email...
394
00:19:51,163 --> 00:19:52,665
but that's just love.
395
00:19:53,165 --> 00:19:55,084
Do you realize that
this is the first time...
396
00:19:55,167 --> 00:19:57,461
we've spoken for more than,
like, 30 seconds?
397
00:19:57,503 --> 00:19:58,587
Uh-huh.
398
00:19:58,962 --> 00:20:01,840
It's kind of nice.
Come out with us this weekend.
399
00:20:02,549 --> 00:20:04,968
No pressure.
We'll just have a good time.
400
00:20:05,177 --> 00:20:07,805
Okay, yeah, I will.
I'll give it a shot.
401
00:20:07,888 --> 00:20:08,931
Great.
402
00:20:09,014 --> 00:20:11,183
But I'm not going to have sex
with anybody.
403
00:20:11,266 --> 00:20:13,977
Good, sex should be
the last thing on your mind.
404
00:20:15,187 --> 00:20:19,149
##[I Got Ants In My Pants
playing]
405
00:20:25,989 --> 00:20:27,866
Logjam. Hi.
406
00:20:33,789 --> 00:20:34,790
Shit.
407
00:20:38,377 --> 00:20:39,545
Oh, God.
408
00:20:43,841 --> 00:20:45,009
Sorry.
409
00:20:46,635 --> 00:20:48,512
See you later.
Thanks for the dance.
410
00:20:58,022 --> 00:21:00,024
I'm okay. It's all right.
411
00:21:06,071 --> 00:21:07,948
Oh, come on, bus!
412
00:21:14,705 --> 00:21:16,832
Oh, come on, dogs!
413
00:21:20,002 --> 00:21:21,920
Shit! You gotta be kidding me.
414
00:21:38,228 --> 00:21:41,857
I mean, I'm kind of nervous.
I never had oral sex before.
415
00:21:42,399 --> 00:21:47,029
Jennifer told me how to do it.
It's gonna kick ass.
416
00:21:51,241 --> 00:21:52,826
[Screaming]
417
00:21:53,452 --> 00:21:55,204
What are you doing?
418
00:21:55,245 --> 00:21:56,664
Okay, just...
We're almost there.
419
00:21:56,747 --> 00:21:57,706
[Grunts]
420
00:21:57,790 --> 00:22:00,167
We have one.
Houston, we have one.
421
00:22:00,918 --> 00:22:03,170
You'll pull my
fucking hair out!
422
00:22:03,212 --> 00:22:05,130
We did it.
God!
423
00:22:05,214 --> 00:22:06,882
Oh, my God,
you came in your pants.
424
00:22:06,965 --> 00:22:09,760
What did you do?
I had some Cream of Wheat.
425
00:22:10,260 --> 00:22:12,554
You know what else is sexy?
What?
426
00:22:13,138 --> 00:22:14,848
Me...
Yeah?
427
00:22:14,890 --> 00:22:16,100
...sucking...
428
00:22:17,476 --> 00:22:20,020
on your...
429
00:22:20,604 --> 00:22:21,647
toe.
430
00:22:21,730 --> 00:22:23,607
That's what you want to
suck on?
Yeah.
431
00:22:23,691 --> 00:22:27,986
It's just so big and thick.
Okay.
432
00:22:29,697 --> 00:22:31,031
Yeah.
433
00:22:32,241 --> 00:22:33,909
[Laughing]
434
00:22:34,076 --> 00:22:35,035
That tickles.
435
00:22:35,119 --> 00:22:36,120
[Screams]
436
00:22:36,203 --> 00:22:38,247
I'm sorry. Oh, no.
437
00:22:38,330 --> 00:22:40,374
Your nose is bleeding.
You think?
438
00:22:40,416 --> 00:22:42,835
I'm sorry.
I'm hot.
439
00:22:43,085 --> 00:22:45,129
But, now,
you can't have any of this.
440
00:22:45,879 --> 00:22:47,840
You should just
give up forever!
441
00:22:47,923 --> 00:22:49,675
[Exclaiming]
442
00:22:53,303 --> 00:22:55,723
##[Ain't No Mountain
High Enough playing]
443
00:22:56,682 --> 00:22:58,434
Cal, what do you think?
Is this too yellow?
444
00:22:58,517 --> 00:22:59,518
No.
445
00:22:59,893 --> 00:23:01,979
What's Curious George like
in real life?
446
00:23:02,062 --> 00:23:03,230
Come on, man.
447
00:23:03,897 --> 00:23:05,607
##[J.O.D.D. playing]
448
00:23:12,990 --> 00:23:15,409
Wow, this is
pretty crowded.
449
00:23:15,701 --> 00:23:18,579
Yeah. Well,
it's $9 beer night.
450
00:23:19,747 --> 00:23:21,165
Okay, look now.
451
00:23:21,248 --> 00:23:23,459
So, this is
what's about to happen,
all right?
452
00:23:23,542 --> 00:23:26,211
You about to go run down
some drunk chicks, all right?
453
00:23:26,295 --> 00:23:28,756
And don't confuse
that with tipsy.
We talking about drunk.
454
00:23:28,797 --> 00:23:30,841
I want vomit in the hair,
bruised-up knees.
455
00:23:30,924 --> 00:23:32,384
A broken heel is a plus.
456
00:23:32,468 --> 00:23:34,011
That's what you
want to find, okay?
457
00:23:34,094 --> 00:23:36,889
No, Dave already told me
I didn't have to have sex
tonight.
458
00:23:36,930 --> 00:23:37,973
And now he's gone, so...
459
00:23:38,057 --> 00:23:40,059
Dude, just stop thinking
for a minute, all right?
460
00:23:40,100 --> 00:23:41,727
You ain't got to think
on this one.
461
00:23:41,810 --> 00:23:43,771
All you got to do
is use your instinct.
462
00:23:43,812 --> 00:23:45,272
Show me your instincts.
463
00:23:45,314 --> 00:23:48,067
My head, my heart.
I follow my heart.
464
00:23:48,150 --> 00:23:50,778
Now, I'm gonna show you this
one time, all right?
465
00:23:50,861 --> 00:23:53,572
Instincts.
Show me your instincts.
466
00:23:54,198 --> 00:23:56,408
Show me your instincts.
They're right here.
467
00:23:56,742 --> 00:23:58,535
Own your instincts.
468
00:23:58,702 --> 00:24:01,622
All you doing
is using your instinct.
That's it.
469
00:24:01,664 --> 00:24:04,458
That's how a tiger know
he got to tackle a gazelle.
470
00:24:04,541 --> 00:24:06,460
There's a code
written in his DNA.
471
00:24:06,502 --> 00:24:08,212
It says,
"Tackle the gazelle. "
Okay.
472
00:24:08,295 --> 00:24:11,423
And believe it or not,
in every man, there's
a code written that says:
473
00:24:11,507 --> 00:24:13,425
"Tackle drunk bitches. "
No.
474
00:24:13,509 --> 00:24:17,012
You know what,
I don't feel comfortable...
475
00:24:18,305 --> 00:24:20,557
hitting on drunk "bitches,"
you know.
476
00:24:20,599 --> 00:24:21,767
I don't think that's right.
477
00:24:21,850 --> 00:24:23,060
Okay, hold up.
478
00:24:23,143 --> 00:24:25,979
First of all,
you making it out to be
some kind of bad thing.
479
00:24:26,063 --> 00:24:28,482
I didn't use bitches
in a derogatory sense.
You did.
480
00:24:28,565 --> 00:24:30,275
It just does...
This doesn't feel right.
481
00:24:30,317 --> 00:24:33,195
Of course it don't feel right.
What has felt right for you
didn't work.
482
00:24:33,278 --> 00:24:35,864
You need to try
some wrong, dawg.
483
00:24:37,992 --> 00:24:40,452
Okay, how do I tell
which ones are drunk?
484
00:24:40,494 --> 00:24:42,204
Now you're talking.
All right, check this out.
485
00:24:42,287 --> 00:24:44,039
You see this redhead
over here?
Where?
486
00:24:44,123 --> 00:24:47,668
With the big old titties.
I'm not gonna
stare at a woman.
487
00:24:47,751 --> 00:24:50,337
Dawg, I'm not telling you
to stare at nobody.
488
00:24:50,462 --> 00:24:53,257
I'm telling you to use
your peripherals.
Now look at me.
489
00:24:53,298 --> 00:24:54,800
See. Look. See?
Yeah.
490
00:24:55,217 --> 00:24:56,552
I'm not looking at you.
491
00:24:57,302 --> 00:24:59,847
No. I'm looking at...
You're looking at her?
492
00:25:01,765 --> 00:25:05,310
What do you want me to do?
I want you to use
your peripherals.
493
00:25:05,686 --> 00:25:07,646
See? I'm not looking at you.
494
00:25:08,689 --> 00:25:12,943
No. See, I'm looking
at the redhead at 3:00
with the big titties.
495
00:25:13,152 --> 00:25:15,988
You see her, racked up
right there, see her?
496
00:25:16,405 --> 00:25:17,906
Yes.
Yeah.
497
00:25:18,157 --> 00:25:21,410
You find one with
the peripherals.
Okay.
498
00:25:21,827 --> 00:25:24,955
You see, over by the post.
499
00:25:25,706 --> 00:25:26,957
It looks like a...
500
00:25:26,999 --> 00:25:28,751
It's either a ficus...
501
00:25:28,792 --> 00:25:30,544
It might be
a rubber tree plant.
502
00:25:30,836 --> 00:25:33,714
All right, if you're
making a joke, dawg,
it's not funny.
503
00:25:33,797 --> 00:25:36,383
I see a blonde
and she's very pretty.
504
00:25:36,467 --> 00:25:38,886
Better, okay. All right.
505
00:25:38,969 --> 00:25:40,971
Now with your peripherals...
Yeah.
506
00:25:41,055 --> 00:25:43,515
...you got to scope out
a hot, drunk chick.
507
00:25:43,682 --> 00:25:45,017
And then you should
make your move.
508
00:25:45,100 --> 00:25:46,935
Okay? All right.
Yes.
509
00:25:47,144 --> 00:25:49,938
And remember, it's
more important that she's
drunk than she's hot.
510
00:25:50,022 --> 00:25:52,483
For this first one.
Go get her.
Peripherals, though.
511
00:25:52,524 --> 00:25:53,692
All the way.
512
00:25:54,818 --> 00:25:56,111
All peripherals.
513
00:26:03,452 --> 00:26:04,745
That boy is stubborn.
514
00:26:07,623 --> 00:26:10,918
Hi, I'm Andy.
You look comfortable.
515
00:26:11,168 --> 00:26:13,587
Can I get you
another cocktail?
516
00:26:13,671 --> 00:26:14,797
Too drunk.
517
00:26:14,880 --> 00:26:18,342
But you got the right idea.
But clinically alive.
518
00:26:20,469 --> 00:26:21,428
Hey!
Yo!
519
00:26:21,512 --> 00:26:23,931
I'm having trouble
finding the drunk people.
520
00:26:24,014 --> 00:26:26,225
You want to know
where there's one?
Yeah.
521
00:26:26,308 --> 00:26:30,145
I. I, Captain Yellowshirts.
522
00:26:30,229 --> 00:26:31,230
[Growls]
523
00:26:31,313 --> 00:26:33,440
Okay. Have a good one.
524
00:26:33,524 --> 00:26:34,692
Yo!
What?
525
00:26:34,775 --> 00:26:37,945
I met a girl and she's here
with a bachelorette party...
526
00:26:38,028 --> 00:26:40,030
and they invited us
to party with them.
527
00:26:40,322 --> 00:26:43,242
Okay, that's good.
It's so good...
528
00:26:43,325 --> 00:26:44,994
because no one is hornier
than a girl...
529
00:26:45,035 --> 00:26:47,663
who's about to watch
her friend get married
to a guy.
530
00:26:47,746 --> 00:26:49,164
It's so funny.
531
00:26:50,124 --> 00:26:51,291
[Women whooping]
532
00:26:53,335 --> 00:26:57,131
So we just decided because
this is my last night
as a free woman...
533
00:26:57,172 --> 00:27:00,300
before I marry Dan,
that we would just wig out.
534
00:27:00,509 --> 00:27:02,177
We're wigging out!
535
00:27:03,178 --> 00:27:05,973
You guys are hilarious.
536
00:27:07,266 --> 00:27:08,517
Wait a minute.
537
00:27:08,600 --> 00:27:12,146
Yes, Mr. President.
Yes, the erection results
are in.
538
00:27:12,187 --> 00:27:13,313
[All laughing]
539
00:27:13,355 --> 00:27:16,150
Hey, guys, look,
it's Dr. Zeus' penis.
540
00:27:16,650 --> 00:27:18,444
I really mean this.
541
00:27:19,361 --> 00:27:21,822
Hey, everybody,
who wants penis cake?
542
00:27:22,114 --> 00:27:23,157
I do.
543
00:27:23,282 --> 00:27:26,535
(Cal)
She does.
Hey, you guys,
Betty Cocker.
544
00:27:26,827 --> 00:27:28,620
[All laughing]
545
00:27:28,704 --> 00:27:30,289
What a good guy. What a...
546
00:27:30,372 --> 00:27:32,333
Dan, the guy
Robin's marrying...
547
00:27:32,416 --> 00:27:35,669
is such a good guy.
548
00:27:35,711 --> 00:27:37,338
He sounds like a good guy.
549
00:27:37,379 --> 00:27:40,424
I hated him for like two years
'cause he cheated on me.
550
00:27:40,716 --> 00:27:41,925
But...
551
00:27:44,386 --> 00:27:46,597
he's really changed now.
552
00:27:47,765 --> 00:27:50,851
He's a really good guy now.
Your friends seem nice.
553
00:27:50,934 --> 00:27:53,437
You have really kind eyes,
you know that?
554
00:27:53,645 --> 00:27:56,899
Thanks. Your hat
has sequins.
555
00:27:59,485 --> 00:28:00,486
Mmm.
556
00:28:04,156 --> 00:28:05,199
Mmm.
557
00:28:09,328 --> 00:28:10,829
[Both tittering]
558
00:28:11,205 --> 00:28:13,415
Your hands are on my belt.
What?
559
00:28:13,499 --> 00:28:15,501
Your hands are on my belt.
I'm sorry.
560
00:28:15,584 --> 00:28:16,794
It's good.
561
00:28:17,711 --> 00:28:18,962
You're cute.
562
00:28:19,046 --> 00:28:21,215
This is kind of lame.
You wanna get out of here?
563
00:28:21,298 --> 00:28:22,800
Okay, yeah.
564
00:28:28,013 --> 00:28:29,390
Yeah.
Fuck.
565
00:28:29,973 --> 00:28:31,308
Come on.
Okay.
566
00:28:36,689 --> 00:28:38,023
You wanna drive?
567
00:28:38,065 --> 00:28:40,609
I don't have a car
with me here, so...
568
00:28:40,693 --> 00:28:42,528
Cars just suck.
569
00:28:43,028 --> 00:28:44,196
[Grunting]
570
00:28:44,530 --> 00:28:45,698
I'm driving.
571
00:28:46,907 --> 00:28:47,950
Are you drunk?
572
00:28:48,033 --> 00:28:49,576
No, I didn't have anything
to drink.
573
00:28:49,660 --> 00:28:51,870
Blow into this?
Okay.
574
00:28:53,580 --> 00:28:54,832
[Beeping]
575
00:28:56,917 --> 00:29:00,796
What is this?
The judge recommended
I get one.
576
00:29:01,422 --> 00:29:02,423
[Engine starting]
577
00:29:02,506 --> 00:29:05,384
##[Get Ur Freak On playing
on car stereo]
578
00:29:07,386 --> 00:29:10,848
Whoa, okay. Wow.
That's fast.
579
00:29:12,766 --> 00:29:15,310
Okay.
Come on, you're in the lasso.
580
00:29:15,436 --> 00:29:16,437
[Giggling]
581
00:29:18,313 --> 00:29:20,024
# Missy be puttin' it down #
582
00:29:20,107 --> 00:29:21,191
# I'm the hottest round #
583
00:29:21,275 --> 00:29:22,818
# I told y'all
mother-uh #
584
00:29:22,901 --> 00:29:24,069
# Y'all can't
stop me now #
585
00:29:24,153 --> 00:29:25,195
# Listen to me now #
586
00:29:25,279 --> 00:29:26,530
# I'm lastin' 20 rounds #
587
00:29:26,613 --> 00:29:28,115
# And if you want me, people #
588
00:29:28,198 --> 00:29:29,700
# Then come on
get me now ##
589
00:29:30,617 --> 00:29:34,705
And Dan's like,
"You're such a B-I-T-C-H,
bitch!"
590
00:29:34,747 --> 00:29:35,831
[Tires screeching]
591
00:29:35,914 --> 00:29:38,709
And I'm like,
"You're the bitch, bitch. "
592
00:29:38,792 --> 00:29:40,544
You know?
Yeah.
593
00:29:40,586 --> 00:29:42,338
What was your name again?
594
00:29:42,588 --> 00:29:44,131
Andy.
Andy.
595
00:29:44,214 --> 00:29:48,927
Let me tell you
something, Andy.
Don't ever be named Dan.
596
00:29:49,261 --> 00:29:52,014
Dan rhymes with man,
and men jerk off.
597
00:29:52,097 --> 00:29:53,557
And he was a jerk-off.
598
00:29:53,599 --> 00:29:56,310
Do you know what I mean?
Look out! The car!
599
00:29:56,602 --> 00:29:59,605
Wow.
I like you.
600
00:30:00,022 --> 00:30:01,523
You're not a...
601
00:30:03,859 --> 00:30:04,860
Ugh.
602
00:30:04,943 --> 00:30:07,988
I think I ate some
bad shellfish sandwich
or something.
603
00:30:09,323 --> 00:30:11,367
You're cute.
No.
604
00:30:17,831 --> 00:30:20,834
That tasted good.
That tasted like shellfish.
605
00:30:22,127 --> 00:30:24,922
Look out! Sorry.
606
00:30:25,923 --> 00:30:27,049
Watch it!
607
00:30:27,091 --> 00:30:28,550
[Exclaiming]
608
00:30:29,426 --> 00:30:31,929
Do you think I'm pretty?
Oh, yes.
609
00:30:32,262 --> 00:30:33,722
Oh, God, yes!
610
00:30:35,140 --> 00:30:37,601
You're not looking at me.
Yes, you're pretty.
611
00:30:37,643 --> 00:30:39,520
You're not looking at me.
Yes, you're pretty.
612
00:30:39,603 --> 00:30:42,231
Do you think I'm pretty?
Look at me.
613
00:30:42,314 --> 00:30:45,401
Look at me!
I'm looking! You're pretty!
614
00:30:45,442 --> 00:30:47,861
God, I just wanna live!
615
00:30:49,488 --> 00:30:52,074
God, I hope
I get my period soon.
616
00:30:52,199 --> 00:30:55,703
I am in a bad mood.
Okay.
617
00:30:55,786 --> 00:30:58,622
I'm so tired.
618
00:30:59,331 --> 00:31:00,749
Hey, whoa!
619
00:31:00,791 --> 00:31:01,792
[Glass shattering]
620
00:31:01,875 --> 00:31:04,294
Oh, God! Turn away!
621
00:31:04,628 --> 00:31:06,797
Hey, get off the wheel.
622
00:31:08,507 --> 00:31:11,093
You're not gonna
get in my pants
acting like that.
623
00:31:11,176 --> 00:31:12,720
I'm starving.
624
00:31:12,970 --> 00:31:15,514
Let's get some
fucking French toast.
625
00:31:16,056 --> 00:31:17,266
[Tires screeching]
626
00:31:17,599 --> 00:31:21,228
Okay, here we are.
Oh, God, we made it.
627
00:31:21,311 --> 00:31:22,646
Home sweet home.
628
00:31:23,981 --> 00:31:25,607
Oh, mommy!
629
00:31:25,691 --> 00:31:26,692
[Screeching]
630
00:31:28,193 --> 00:31:29,445
[Panting]
631
00:31:29,486 --> 00:31:33,282
Are you okay?
The fucker came
out of nowhere.
632
00:31:34,700 --> 00:31:37,077
Okay. We're okay.
633
00:31:37,161 --> 00:31:38,412
[Laughing]
634
00:31:39,246 --> 00:31:40,247
[Crying]
635
00:31:40,289 --> 00:31:41,623
Are you okay?
636
00:31:42,291 --> 00:31:44,418
Well, are you...
What's the matter?
637
00:31:48,130 --> 00:31:49,131
[Gasps]
638
00:31:50,132 --> 00:31:51,383
I'm sorry.
639
00:31:51,967 --> 00:31:55,429
That's okay.
I think I kind of
had that coming.
640
00:31:56,180 --> 00:31:58,349
I'll still have sex with you
if you want.
641
00:31:58,432 --> 00:32:01,435
You know what, I think
I'm gonna pass on the sex,
if you don't mind.
642
00:32:01,518 --> 00:32:04,021
At least I don't have
to work out tomorrow.
643
00:32:04,772 --> 00:32:06,648
Did you have
a daiquiri tonight?
Yeah.
644
00:32:06,732 --> 00:32:07,775
I thought you might.
645
00:32:08,359 --> 00:32:09,735
It was a very bad night.
646
00:32:09,818 --> 00:32:10,778
[All laughing]
647
00:32:11,654 --> 00:32:12,738
Yeah, laugh.
648
00:32:12,821 --> 00:32:15,115
You know what,
you guys wouldn't be
laughing right now...
649
00:32:15,199 --> 00:32:18,702
if some girl had just
vomited shellfish sandwich
into your mouth.
650
00:32:18,827 --> 00:32:19,828
[Grunts]
651
00:32:19,912 --> 00:32:21,789
You know what, you're right,
it's my bad.
652
00:32:21,830 --> 00:32:23,832
Let me apologize to you
first of all...
653
00:32:23,916 --> 00:32:27,753
for not mentioning in detail
that when you pick up
a drunk woman...
654
00:32:27,836 --> 00:32:30,464
who's falling down
on her way out of the bar...
655
00:32:30,547 --> 00:32:33,384
that you should
probably drive.
I drive a bike.
656
00:32:33,467 --> 00:32:37,012
Okay,
Mr. Schwinn-fucking-Armstrong,
who asked you to drive a bike?
657
00:32:37,096 --> 00:32:39,264
You know what,
I'm not the only person
in the world...
658
00:32:39,306 --> 00:32:40,474
who rides a bike.
659
00:32:40,557 --> 00:32:43,268
Yeah, everyone rides a bike,
when they're fucking six.
660
00:32:43,310 --> 00:32:45,437
Why don't you kiss something?
661
00:32:45,521 --> 00:32:48,649
Because this is over,
you guys, okay?
662
00:32:48,732 --> 00:32:50,401
Can I just interject
for a second?
663
00:32:50,484 --> 00:32:51,860
[Stuttering]
Let me just say...
664
00:32:51,985 --> 00:32:54,321
you're putting the pussy up
on this pedestal.
665
00:32:54,405 --> 00:32:55,948
You're just building
the pussy up, man.
666
00:32:55,990 --> 00:32:57,408
What are you even
talking about?
667
00:32:57,491 --> 00:32:59,451
"Building the pussy up,"
what does that mean?
668
00:32:59,493 --> 00:33:04,206
You making the pussy into
this great big Greek goddess
named Pussalia...
669
00:33:04,289 --> 00:33:05,457
and what you're doing is...
670
00:33:05,541 --> 00:33:08,836
you're psyching yourself
into thinking
it's some impossible feat.
671
00:33:08,919 --> 00:33:10,295
Yeah, I think
you're right.
672
00:33:10,337 --> 00:33:12,339
I'm putting the pussy up
on a pedestal.
673
00:33:12,381 --> 00:33:13,799
Right.
That's it.
674
00:33:14,008 --> 00:33:15,801
It's "Pussalia," right?
675
00:33:15,843 --> 00:33:18,345
Look where you going.
I don't wanna say
the word anymore.
676
00:33:18,387 --> 00:33:20,639
Say what word?
"Pussy. " I don't wanna say it.
677
00:33:20,723 --> 00:33:22,975
Fuck it.
"Pussy" is a scientific word.
678
00:33:23,100 --> 00:33:25,185
Dude! New pants, man.
679
00:33:25,728 --> 00:33:26,729
You know what, Dave?
680
00:33:26,812 --> 00:33:29,356
You know, you said
there wasn't gonna be
any pressure at all.
681
00:33:29,440 --> 00:33:31,066
(David)
I'm not pressuring you.
Excuse me.
682
00:33:31,150 --> 00:33:32,776
Can one of you guys
help me, please?
683
00:33:32,860 --> 00:33:34,403
No hablo English, lady.
684
00:33:35,821 --> 00:33:38,115
I actually am helping
a customer right now.
685
00:33:38,198 --> 00:33:40,534
Okay, well...
I'm on break.
686
00:33:40,617 --> 00:33:43,162
But our stock supervisor
is very knowledgeable.
687
00:33:43,245 --> 00:33:45,748
He can answer
all of your questions
and he'd love to help you.
688
00:33:45,831 --> 00:33:46,874
Thank you.
689
00:33:46,957 --> 00:33:48,500
Have a nice day.
You, too.
690
00:33:49,418 --> 00:33:53,672
Great, okay. Hi, I'm Trish.
Hi, Andy is my name.
691
00:33:54,298 --> 00:33:57,384
This one looks pretty good.
You don't wanna buy that VCR.
692
00:33:57,468 --> 00:33:58,469
I don't?
693
00:33:58,510 --> 00:34:00,346
No, actually to be
totally honest with you...
694
00:34:00,387 --> 00:34:01,722
you don't wanna buy
any VCR.
695
00:34:01,805 --> 00:34:03,474
It's a dead technology.
696
00:34:03,557 --> 00:34:07,686
It's like getting
an eight-track player.
697
00:34:07,770 --> 00:34:10,189
Yeah.
Or a Betamax.
698
00:34:10,230 --> 00:34:12,316
You know what, actually
I'd recommend this one.
699
00:34:12,358 --> 00:34:13,484
This is a dual.
700
00:34:13,567 --> 00:34:16,654
You've got the VCR
and DVD combo.
701
00:34:16,695 --> 00:34:20,240
So, you know,
that technology would be
probably pretty good for...
702
00:34:20,532 --> 00:34:21,659
Six months or so?
Yeah.
703
00:34:21,700 --> 00:34:22,993
That's good.
704
00:34:23,160 --> 00:34:25,079
At best. Sorry.
705
00:34:25,204 --> 00:34:27,581
No.
As good as it gets.
706
00:34:27,706 --> 00:34:28,916
Okay, that sounds good,
then.
707
00:34:28,999 --> 00:34:30,084
Okay, all right.
708
00:34:30,167 --> 00:34:31,168
[Cal speaking Spanish]
709
00:34:31,251 --> 00:34:32,336
It's perfect.
Sorry.
710
00:34:32,378 --> 00:34:33,671
Coming through.
711
00:34:34,004 --> 00:34:35,089
Okay.
712
00:34:35,172 --> 00:34:37,883
God, you know,
it's so funny, I work
right across the street...
713
00:34:37,966 --> 00:34:39,385
and I've never been
in this place.
714
00:34:39,468 --> 00:34:40,886
Really? Where at?
Yeah.
715
00:34:40,969 --> 00:34:43,597
The
"We Sell Your Stuff On eBay"
store.
716
00:34:44,390 --> 00:34:46,100
Yes.
And that's the name?
717
00:34:46,350 --> 00:34:48,686
Yeah, I was
looking for something...
718
00:34:48,894 --> 00:34:51,730
you know, obvious.
So I chose that.
719
00:34:51,814 --> 00:34:54,024
I don't understand.
So, what, you do what?
720
00:34:54,400 --> 00:34:56,360
Well, I take the stuff
that you don't want...
721
00:34:56,402 --> 00:34:58,487
and then I "sell" it
on eBay.
722
00:34:58,570 --> 00:35:01,073
But you don't actually
sell anything in the store?
723
00:35:02,032 --> 00:35:03,617
No. I don't.
724
00:35:04,368 --> 00:35:06,453
So why do you have a store?
725
00:35:06,537 --> 00:35:07,830
I don't know.
726
00:35:07,871 --> 00:35:11,166
No, I think it's because,
you know, I wanna maybe
look professional...
727
00:35:11,208 --> 00:35:14,211
and not like a crazy person
who's just gonna
steal all your shit.
728
00:35:14,253 --> 00:35:16,630
Sure. I didn't
mean anything by that.
729
00:35:16,714 --> 00:35:18,173
No, it's okay.
730
00:35:18,340 --> 00:35:22,011
You know what,
you should come by sometime
if you want, you know...
731
00:35:22,094 --> 00:35:23,887
see it for yourself,
check it out.
732
00:35:23,971 --> 00:35:25,514
I'll check out
your empty store.
733
00:35:25,597 --> 00:35:28,851
Yeah, it's the one
across the street
that's not empty.
734
00:35:30,185 --> 00:35:31,687
Here's my number. So...
735
00:35:32,229 --> 00:35:34,690
All right.
So, just anytime.
736
00:35:35,357 --> 00:35:38,235
Why do I need your number
if you're across the street,
though?
737
00:35:39,486 --> 00:35:42,489
I don't really have
a good answer for that, Andy.
I just...
738
00:35:42,573 --> 00:35:44,533
Sorry.
Just giving it to you.
739
00:35:44,742 --> 00:35:47,870
So I'll write you up,
and I'll meet you over
at the register.
740
00:35:47,911 --> 00:35:49,580
Okay.
And check you out...
Check out.
741
00:35:49,663 --> 00:35:50,998
Okay, see you over there.
Okay.
742
00:35:51,081 --> 00:35:52,041
Okay.
743
00:35:52,458 --> 00:35:54,501
Awful chatty.
Hey...
744
00:35:54,918 --> 00:35:57,087
Look, I think she gave me
her number.
745
00:35:57,171 --> 00:35:59,673
She wrote down her number,
but I think she gave me
her number.
746
00:35:59,757 --> 00:36:01,133
No, she gave you.
Dude, man.
747
00:36:01,216 --> 00:36:02,801
See, you still mad at me?
748
00:36:02,885 --> 00:36:04,720
No, I was never.
Right, you see what I mean?
749
00:36:04,803 --> 00:36:06,722
Yeah, we gonna
celebrate it, man. Yeah.
750
00:36:06,764 --> 00:36:08,223
This is pretty cool.
Yeah.
751
00:36:08,265 --> 00:36:10,225
Unbelievable.
Come on,
give him some credit, man.
752
00:36:10,267 --> 00:36:11,477
The man pulled a number.
753
00:36:11,560 --> 00:36:14,104
It's just... I was in...
I can't believe that happened.
754
00:36:14,188 --> 00:36:15,647
What you did
with you's own hand.
755
00:36:15,731 --> 00:36:17,858
Man, she just gave me
her number.
756
00:36:18,067 --> 00:36:22,696
That's great, man.
I'm telling you,
love is a mysterious fig.
757
00:36:22,738 --> 00:36:23,781
It is.
758
00:36:23,864 --> 00:36:26,617
Okay, here's a question.
When should I call her?
759
00:36:27,242 --> 00:36:28,494
You like her?
Yeah.
760
00:36:28,577 --> 00:36:30,037
You definitely
don't want to call her.
761
00:36:30,079 --> 00:36:31,705
When is the next Olympics?
762
00:36:31,789 --> 00:36:33,165
(Jay)
So what you just
got to do is...
763
00:36:33,248 --> 00:36:34,958
just get you a bunch
of these hood rats...
764
00:36:35,042 --> 00:36:36,460
run through them,
just knock them out.
765
00:36:36,543 --> 00:36:37,586
Boom, boom, boom.
766
00:36:37,670 --> 00:36:40,214
And once you've done
slayed like 20,
30 of them hood rats...
767
00:36:40,297 --> 00:36:43,050
now you ready to go up
to the upper echelon type ho.
768
00:36:43,092 --> 00:36:45,219
You know what I mean?
I'm not a big ho runner.
769
00:36:45,302 --> 00:36:47,096
My uncle used to drive
a ho runner.
770
00:36:47,179 --> 00:36:49,056
Screw these analogies.
What he's saying is...
771
00:36:49,098 --> 00:36:51,141
you are going to be so bad
at sex the first time...
772
00:36:51,225 --> 00:36:53,143
you don't want to have sex
with someone you like...
773
00:36:53,227 --> 00:36:55,646
'cause they'll think
you're a weirdo for being
so lame at it.
774
00:36:55,729 --> 00:36:57,773
You want to have sex
with hood rats first...
775
00:36:57,856 --> 00:36:59,900
so that by the time
you get to the girl
you do like...
776
00:36:59,983 --> 00:37:03,445
you're not terrible at sex,
you'll be mediocre at it.
777
00:37:03,779 --> 00:37:05,280
Probably still
pretty bad, though.
778
00:37:05,322 --> 00:37:07,574
(Jay)
Let's put it up for my man
for pulling that number.
779
00:37:07,616 --> 00:37:09,994
Way to go, man.
Politicked his ass off.
780
00:37:10,077 --> 00:37:12,371
(Cal)
You did politic.
Thanks a lot.
781
00:37:12,454 --> 00:37:14,498
Like a train, round the bend.
You ready?
782
00:37:25,175 --> 00:37:26,218
[Clears throat]
783
00:37:47,364 --> 00:37:48,574
[Coughing]
784
00:37:48,699 --> 00:37:49,700
Yeah.
785
00:37:50,826 --> 00:37:52,036
I can't.
Do it.
786
00:37:52,119 --> 00:37:53,746
I can't pee in public.
Gotta do it.
787
00:37:53,787 --> 00:37:55,414
I've got a mental block
about it.
788
00:37:55,456 --> 00:37:58,667
Come on, do it.
I'm shy!
789
00:38:00,127 --> 00:38:01,879
[Shouting]
790
00:38:02,921 --> 00:38:05,549
I peed in public!
791
00:38:05,841 --> 00:38:08,177
Let me out.
I can't hear
what you're saying.
792
00:38:08,260 --> 00:38:10,804
I don't want to be in here.
It's a soundproof room.
793
00:38:11,513 --> 00:38:13,682
Just learn the techniques.
Right on, man.
794
00:38:13,766 --> 00:38:15,100
[Woman moaning]
795
00:38:15,184 --> 00:38:17,061
You guys, this is not funny!
796
00:38:28,530 --> 00:38:29,657
[Sighing]
797
00:38:43,962 --> 00:38:45,422
[Ringing]
798
00:38:48,300 --> 00:38:49,301
Hello.
799
00:38:49,385 --> 00:38:50,427
[Grunting]
800
00:38:55,974 --> 00:38:57,309
Hey, what you watching?
801
00:38:57,393 --> 00:38:59,520
Dawn of the Dead, man.
Great.
802
00:38:59,645 --> 00:39:01,772
The store is slow.
Paula's gone.
803
00:39:01,814 --> 00:39:04,233
Yo, is Paula back?
No. She's not here.
804
00:39:04,692 --> 00:39:06,652
She said we can't
watch this in here.
You sure?
805
00:39:06,735 --> 00:39:09,113
I know.
Can I ask you something
in confidence?
806
00:39:09,154 --> 00:39:11,240
I know this is gonna
sound weird.
807
00:39:11,949 --> 00:39:13,450
Am I good-looking?
808
00:39:13,492 --> 00:39:15,244
Do you think a woman
will find me attractive?
809
00:39:15,327 --> 00:39:16,996
[Snarls]
Oh, my God!
810
00:39:17,788 --> 00:39:20,374
Oh, my God, the blood just...
Okay, never mind.
811
00:39:20,457 --> 00:39:22,292
Wait, Andy. Hold up.
812
00:39:22,334 --> 00:39:25,337
Listen,
this is embarrassing for me.
This is hard to talk about.
813
00:39:25,421 --> 00:39:27,881
Are you ready
for my honest answer?
Yes.
814
00:39:28,298 --> 00:39:30,634
Yeah.
I think you're
a good-looking cat.
815
00:39:31,427 --> 00:39:32,970
I don't think
that anybody knows it...
816
00:39:33,053 --> 00:39:34,638
and I don't think
anybody can see it.
817
00:39:34,722 --> 00:39:35,889
Well,
that's why I'm asking you.
818
00:39:35,973 --> 00:39:38,475
You seem really well-groomed
and really put together.
819
00:39:38,559 --> 00:39:41,270
I mean, look, dude.
You think this was
an accident?
820
00:39:41,603 --> 00:39:44,106
All of this right here?
Premeditated, partner.
821
00:39:44,189 --> 00:39:47,609
You gotta highlight
your attributes,
like a diamond in the rough.
822
00:39:47,651 --> 00:39:49,403
You willing to make
some sacrifices?
823
00:39:49,486 --> 00:39:50,529
Absolutely.
824
00:39:50,612 --> 00:39:53,407
You see that whole
Teen Wolf thing
you got going right there?
825
00:39:53,490 --> 00:39:55,326
You need to wax
that right out.
826
00:39:55,409 --> 00:39:57,286
Does it hurt?
No. Waxing don't hurt.
827
00:39:57,328 --> 00:39:59,330
I mean,
not unless you're a bitch.
You know what I mean?
828
00:39:59,413 --> 00:40:00,914
It didn't hurt me.
I get it done all the time.
829
00:40:00,998 --> 00:40:02,666
[Screaming]
What the fuck!
830
00:40:02,750 --> 00:40:03,751
[Exclaiming]
831
00:40:06,170 --> 00:40:08,088
Fuck that nigger up!
832
00:40:09,006 --> 00:40:11,508
Bitch, get out of the room!
833
00:40:14,428 --> 00:40:16,472
(Jay)
This is gonna be good.
834
00:40:16,513 --> 00:40:18,766
This the one right here,
right?
Hi, how are you?
835
00:40:18,849 --> 00:40:20,851
So this is your first time
getting body waxed?
836
00:40:20,934 --> 00:40:21,977
Yes, it is.
837
00:40:22,061 --> 00:40:24,146
Take off your shirt.
Okay.
838
00:40:27,524 --> 00:40:29,443
We're gonna need
more wax.
839
00:40:29,526 --> 00:40:31,820
I'm staying.
This is gonna be good.
840
00:40:32,488 --> 00:40:35,282
And clear all my appointments
in the afternoon.
841
00:40:35,532 --> 00:40:36,825
Here we go.
842
00:40:37,201 --> 00:40:38,494
That feels warm.
843
00:40:41,664 --> 00:40:44,750
(David)
I like your sweater.
Does that come in a V-neck?
844
00:40:46,126 --> 00:40:48,629
(Cal)
She starts doing his pubes,
I'm out of here.
845
00:40:50,589 --> 00:40:52,174
(Jay)
You gonna look good
after this, man.
846
00:40:52,257 --> 00:40:53,509
Thanks, man.
847
00:40:53,842 --> 00:40:55,219
So, ready?
Yeah.
848
00:40:56,720 --> 00:40:59,056
[Speaks foreign language]
849
00:41:00,015 --> 00:41:01,266
[Screaming]
850
00:41:01,350 --> 00:41:03,185
You fucker!
851
00:41:04,353 --> 00:41:06,939
I'm sorry.
That's just your job.
852
00:41:07,022 --> 00:41:10,484
You want me to stop now?
No. It's okay.
853
00:41:11,986 --> 00:41:13,195
Let's do another one.
854
00:41:13,278 --> 00:41:14,947
That one little patch
looks sexy though.
855
00:41:15,030 --> 00:41:17,032
Does it look good?
(Cal)
Yeah, it looks really good.
856
00:41:17,157 --> 00:41:18,158
[Exclaiming]
857
00:41:18,242 --> 00:41:20,619
(David)
It looks man-tastic.
858
00:41:21,787 --> 00:41:22,955
(Andy)
Okay.
859
00:41:24,581 --> 00:41:28,210
Wow! I didn't expect
that at all.
I really didn't expect that.
860
00:41:28,794 --> 00:41:31,213
(Jay)
You got it. The first one
is the only one that hurts.
861
00:41:31,255 --> 00:41:33,716
Yeah.
Those hairs are pretty deep.
862
00:41:33,799 --> 00:41:34,883
Okay.
863
00:41:35,217 --> 00:41:36,844
You ready?
Yup.
864
00:41:36,927 --> 00:41:38,387
[Speaks foreign language]
865
00:41:38,554 --> 00:41:40,264
[Screaming]
866
00:41:40,639 --> 00:41:42,391
Sucker motherfucker!
867
00:41:42,850 --> 00:41:45,144
You shithead! I hate you!
868
00:41:45,227 --> 00:41:47,021
I hate you so much!
869
00:41:48,147 --> 00:41:49,356
That one hurt.
870
00:41:49,440 --> 00:41:51,817
That one hurt
just as much as the first one.
871
00:41:51,900 --> 00:41:53,861
That's great, man.
Man!
872
00:41:53,944 --> 00:41:55,112
[Exhaling]
873
00:41:55,779 --> 00:41:58,032
One, two, three.
874
00:41:58,115 --> 00:41:59,116
[Grunting]
875
00:41:59,241 --> 00:42:03,203
Fuck me!
876
00:42:03,662 --> 00:42:07,166
In the asshole!
877
00:42:07,291 --> 00:42:09,293
[Andy exclaiming]
878
00:42:09,376 --> 00:42:10,502
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
879
00:42:10,544 --> 00:42:12,171
I really don't
swear this much.
880
00:42:12,212 --> 00:42:13,672
You know what,
I got a weak stomach.
881
00:42:13,714 --> 00:42:15,549
That's all I can really take.
I'll see ya'll.
882
00:42:15,591 --> 00:42:17,968
(Andy)
Jay.
Be tough, Andy, you got it.
883
00:42:18,052 --> 00:42:20,137
Where did Jay go?
(David)
He went to throw up.
884
00:42:20,220 --> 00:42:21,472
Ready?
Yup.
885
00:42:22,181 --> 00:42:23,223
One, two.
886
00:42:23,307 --> 00:42:24,350
[Gasping]
887
00:42:24,433 --> 00:42:26,727
Cocksucker motherfucker!
888
00:42:26,852 --> 00:42:28,520
You pulled on two.
889
00:42:29,772 --> 00:42:31,440
Why didn't you
pull on three?
890
00:42:31,523 --> 00:42:32,858
Freddy pie hole!
891
00:42:32,941 --> 00:42:34,360
[Andy exclaiming in Spanish]
892
00:42:34,568 --> 00:42:36,487
No! Kelly Clarkson!
893
00:42:36,904 --> 00:42:38,530
[Screaming]
894
00:42:41,700 --> 00:42:43,452
[Andy screaming]
Ya'll done or ya'll...
895
00:42:43,535 --> 00:42:45,037
That's fucked up.
(Andy)
Oh, shit falls!
896
00:42:45,120 --> 00:42:46,246
That's fucked up.
897
00:42:49,249 --> 00:42:51,210
I hate you.
898
00:42:51,251 --> 00:42:53,629
Stop smiling, you jerk!
899
00:42:53,712 --> 00:42:54,880
You pussy.
900
00:42:54,963 --> 00:42:57,049
Oh, God. What's next?
901
00:42:57,424 --> 00:42:59,677
You're doing the nipple.
(Cal)
Not the nipple.
902
00:42:59,760 --> 00:43:01,470
Come on.
Not the nipple.
903
00:43:01,553 --> 00:43:03,222
Please, Cal,
hold my hand.
904
00:43:03,639 --> 00:43:06,433
You kidding me, man?
Hold my goddamn hand, man.
905
00:43:07,017 --> 00:43:09,269
Do it! Just hold.
Okay, here we go.
906
00:43:09,353 --> 00:43:10,479
[Exhaling]
907
00:43:10,562 --> 00:43:11,563
(woman)
Ready?
908
00:43:12,272 --> 00:43:13,565
No. Yup.
909
00:43:13,607 --> 00:43:15,567
One, two, three.
910
00:43:16,110 --> 00:43:18,529
[Screaming]
Nipple fuck!
911
00:43:19,905 --> 00:43:22,366
Mika, you should
burn in hell!
912
00:43:22,825 --> 00:43:25,494
Okay, all right.
No, seriously,
I think I'm done.
913
00:43:25,577 --> 00:43:27,913
I think we're done.
I think that's good.
914
00:43:28,247 --> 00:43:29,248
[Panting]
915
00:43:30,082 --> 00:43:31,417
You know what, guys...
916
00:43:31,458 --> 00:43:34,003
this is not
a good look for me!
917
00:43:34,420 --> 00:43:36,255
You look like
a man-o'- lantern.
918
00:43:36,296 --> 00:43:38,257
Thank you very much.
Appreciate it.
Thank you.
919
00:43:53,480 --> 00:43:54,732
[Screaming]
920
00:43:57,818 --> 00:43:59,570
(Cal)
Thank you very much.
You're welcome.
921
00:43:59,611 --> 00:44:01,238
Thank you.
Thanks.
922
00:44:01,697 --> 00:44:03,741
Andy,
I owe you an apology, man.
923
00:44:03,824 --> 00:44:07,286
I wasn't very nice
to you for the past
two-and-a-half years.
924
00:44:07,328 --> 00:44:08,454
You were nice to me.
925
00:44:08,537 --> 00:44:11,206
No, I was... I thought
you were really boring and...
926
00:44:11,290 --> 00:44:13,584
I kind of thought
you were a serial killer.
927
00:44:13,625 --> 00:44:14,626
[Laughs]
928
00:44:14,877 --> 00:44:16,253
I'm not joking.
929
00:44:16,754 --> 00:44:19,631
Hey!
Sorry. Shoot. Sorry, sorry.
930
00:44:19,715 --> 00:44:22,051
Don't worry. There's a lot of
padding in these.
931
00:44:22,092 --> 00:44:24,470
I could hurl it
off the balcony,
it would be fine.
932
00:44:24,553 --> 00:44:26,263
Yeah. It will be fine.
We couldn't break this...
933
00:44:26,347 --> 00:44:27,389
if we tried.
No problem.
934
00:44:27,473 --> 00:44:29,558
Look, you shouldn't listen
to Dave and Jay, okay?
935
00:44:29,641 --> 00:44:32,728
Those guys are crazy.
You should listen to me, okay?
936
00:44:32,811 --> 00:44:35,773
Look, there is a hot-ass girl
who works right there.
937
00:44:35,856 --> 00:44:39,193
There she is,
in the bookstore.
You should ask her out, man.
938
00:44:41,153 --> 00:44:42,988
Something wrong
with her underpants.
939
00:44:43,113 --> 00:44:44,573
(Cal)
Yeah, they're not in my mouth.
940
00:44:44,615 --> 00:44:46,617
You know, I kind of...
941
00:44:47,826 --> 00:44:50,037
like the woman
from the eBay store.
942
00:44:50,204 --> 00:44:51,246
That's great, but...
943
00:44:51,288 --> 00:44:52,623
you're not gonna
get with anyone...
944
00:44:52,665 --> 00:44:54,291
unless you play
the odds on this, man.
945
00:44:54,375 --> 00:44:56,293
You need to plant
a lot of seeds.
946
00:44:56,335 --> 00:44:59,838
It's like this.
When I was growing pot,
I realized...
947
00:45:00,381 --> 00:45:03,467
that the more seeds
I planted...
Thank you.
948
00:45:03,592 --> 00:45:05,886
...the more pot
I could ultimately smoke.
949
00:45:05,969 --> 00:45:09,181
I think I have all the advice
that I can handle right now.
950
00:45:09,264 --> 00:45:10,349
Don't get bitter.
951
00:45:10,432 --> 00:45:13,310
I'm not bitter.
I almost lost a nipple, okay?
952
00:45:13,352 --> 00:45:15,145
That was Jay's idea, okay?
953
00:45:15,229 --> 00:45:17,815
And I wasn't going to
say anything,
but waxing your chest is...
954
00:45:17,898 --> 00:45:20,401
like the gayest thing
you could possibly do, okay?
955
00:45:20,484 --> 00:45:24,196
Look at me.
Looks are not important.
Really look at me.
956
00:45:24,321 --> 00:45:27,241
I am ugly as fuck
by traditional standards...
957
00:45:27,324 --> 00:45:29,743
but I get with women.
958
00:45:29,827 --> 00:45:31,912
Aren't you curious
as to how that's possible?
959
00:45:31,996 --> 00:45:34,248
I am not ugly as fuck.
960
00:45:34,331 --> 00:45:36,125
I didn't say you were
ugly as...
961
00:45:36,208 --> 00:45:37,668
Well, you implied it.
Okay.
962
00:45:37,751 --> 00:45:40,337
It doesn't matter if
you're ugly as fuck
or you're ugly as shit.
963
00:45:40,421 --> 00:45:43,507
It's about talking to women,
and I know how to do that...
964
00:45:43,590 --> 00:45:46,969
because I observe,
because I am a novelist.
965
00:45:47,636 --> 00:45:49,513
What? You never
told me that before.
966
00:45:49,596 --> 00:45:52,391
That's because I am not
an arrogant prick, Andy.
967
00:45:52,474 --> 00:45:54,893
Okay? The problem
most men have is...
968
00:45:55,227 --> 00:45:56,729
they don't know
how to talk to women.
969
00:45:56,812 --> 00:46:00,482
You know what my problem is?
I am not interesting.
970
00:46:00,649 --> 00:46:03,235
What am I supposed to say?
"I went to magic camp?"
971
00:46:03,610 --> 00:46:05,404
"I'm an accomplished
ventriloquist?"
972
00:46:05,487 --> 00:46:08,615
"I am a seventh-degree
imperial yo-yo master. "
973
00:46:08,657 --> 00:46:09,658
[Exclaims]
974
00:46:09,742 --> 00:46:11,785
Do me, yo-yo master.
975
00:46:11,827 --> 00:46:15,622
I want you to do me,
'cause you're the yo-yo guy.
976
00:46:15,998 --> 00:46:17,207
Are you done? Listen.
977
00:46:17,291 --> 00:46:19,209
The problem
most men have is...
978
00:46:19,293 --> 00:46:22,755
they just plain straight up
have no clue
how to talk to women.
979
00:46:23,172 --> 00:46:26,050
Just ask a question, okay?
That's it.
980
00:46:26,175 --> 00:46:29,386
Because women do not care
about what you have to say...
981
00:46:29,470 --> 00:46:30,929
at all anyway, you know.
982
00:46:31,013 --> 00:46:33,015
And all they want to do
is talk about themselves.
983
00:46:33,098 --> 00:46:34,808
So you're just gonna
let them do that.
984
00:46:34,892 --> 00:46:36,518
Okay? So remember.
985
00:46:36,602 --> 00:46:39,813
Questions, be cool,
and be kind of a dick.
986
00:46:39,897 --> 00:46:43,025
Here, be David Caruso
in Jade.
987
00:46:43,525 --> 00:46:45,694
Okay. I know exactly
what you're talking about.
988
00:46:45,778 --> 00:46:47,279
You do. That's good.
989
00:46:49,073 --> 00:46:50,491
(Cal)
There she is.
990
00:46:53,327 --> 00:46:55,037
Go plant that seed, man.
991
00:46:55,663 --> 00:46:57,414
Plant it with your finger.
992
00:47:09,635 --> 00:47:11,053
Can I help you?
993
00:47:13,097 --> 00:47:14,723
I don't know. Can you?
994
00:47:16,392 --> 00:47:18,352
Are you looking
for something?
995
00:47:19,728 --> 00:47:22,356
Is there something
I should be looking for?
996
00:47:23,691 --> 00:47:24,942
[Laughs]
997
00:47:26,652 --> 00:47:28,195
We have
a lot of books.
998
00:47:28,654 --> 00:47:31,740
So, maybe it depends
on what you like.
999
00:47:36,745 --> 00:47:38,205
What do you like?
1000
00:47:38,497 --> 00:47:41,959
We have a great section of...
1001
00:47:42,501 --> 00:47:43,961
do-it-yourself.
1002
00:47:44,044 --> 00:47:46,380
Do you like to
"do it yourself"?
1003
00:47:47,339 --> 00:47:49,508
Sometimes. I mean...
1004
00:47:50,050 --> 00:47:53,637
if the mood strikes.
1005
00:47:54,888 --> 00:47:57,057
How is the mood
striking you now?
1006
00:47:57,516 --> 00:47:58,892
[Laughing]
1007
00:48:00,561 --> 00:48:01,770
[Tittering]
1008
00:48:04,023 --> 00:48:05,482
What's your name?
1009
00:48:06,191 --> 00:48:07,401
What's your name?
1010
00:48:07,484 --> 00:48:09,528
I'm Beth.
1011
00:48:12,239 --> 00:48:13,365
Andy.
1012
00:48:14,658 --> 00:48:15,784
Andy.
1013
00:48:18,454 --> 00:48:21,040
Don't tell on me,
okay, Andy?
I wont.
1014
00:48:22,750 --> 00:48:25,085
Unless you want
to be told on...
1015
00:48:25,961 --> 00:48:26,962
Beth.
1016
00:48:29,757 --> 00:48:31,342
Wow. That totally worked!
1017
00:48:31,425 --> 00:48:33,552
I literally said nothing.
And she found me fascinating.
1018
00:48:33,635 --> 00:48:35,471
I would've thought
you were doing that for years.
1019
00:48:35,554 --> 00:48:37,264
Should I have asked her out?
No. That's the key.
1020
00:48:37,348 --> 00:48:38,766
You wait for it
to grow into a plant...
1021
00:48:38,849 --> 00:48:40,351
and then you fuck the plant.
1022
00:48:44,396 --> 00:48:45,481
Okay.
1023
00:48:46,357 --> 00:48:47,566
This is easy.
1024
00:48:48,400 --> 00:48:49,735
All right.
1025
00:48:50,235 --> 00:48:52,863
Hello, Trish.
How you doing?
What's going on?
1026
00:48:53,238 --> 00:48:54,198
[Laughing]
1027
00:48:54,531 --> 00:48:55,699
Good joke.
1028
00:48:55,741 --> 00:48:57,534
This is a fun conversation.
1029
00:48:57,576 --> 00:48:59,953
Just grow a backbone
and call her.
1030
00:49:00,079 --> 00:49:02,706
She asked you to call her.
She wants you to call her.
1031
00:49:08,462 --> 00:49:09,797
[Telephone ringing]
1032
00:49:09,880 --> 00:49:10,839
Hello.
1033
00:49:11,382 --> 00:49:12,716
Hey, how you doing?
1034
00:49:14,677 --> 00:49:16,470
How you doing?
I'm well.
1035
00:49:16,887 --> 00:49:18,305
Who is this?
1036
00:49:19,014 --> 00:49:22,017
This is James.
James. Do I know you, James?
1037
00:49:22,101 --> 00:49:23,268
[Grunting]
1038
00:49:23,602 --> 00:49:25,646
I was wondering whether
you had a few minutes...
1039
00:49:25,729 --> 00:49:27,606
to talk about
a little laundry detergent.
1040
00:49:27,690 --> 00:49:29,817
Are you a telemarketer, James?
1041
00:49:30,067 --> 00:49:31,068
Yep.
1042
00:49:31,151 --> 00:49:32,486
Are you at the top
of a tall building?
1043
00:49:32,569 --> 00:49:34,989
Can you get to a roof quickly?
Jump off!
1044
00:49:35,072 --> 00:49:36,198
I mean, you people are sick.
1045
00:49:36,281 --> 00:49:38,075
Get a real fucking job,
why don't you?
1046
00:49:38,158 --> 00:49:39,702
Go shoot yourself
in the fucking head.
1047
00:49:39,785 --> 00:49:42,621
Hey, why don't you just,
you know,
get a knife and run into it?
1048
00:49:42,705 --> 00:49:44,081
Why don't you do that, huh?
1049
00:49:44,164 --> 00:49:45,457
Okay.
I'll see you later, James.
1050
00:49:45,541 --> 00:49:48,877
Nice to talk to you.
Fuck your mother, okay?
Bye-bye.
1051
00:49:50,587 --> 00:49:51,588
Oh.
1052
00:49:51,672 --> 00:49:52,881
[Doorbell ringing]
1053
00:49:54,800 --> 00:49:57,177
Hey, man.
Got a big box of porn for you.
1054
00:49:58,929 --> 00:50:01,265
Can I come in?
Yeah.
1055
00:50:02,057 --> 00:50:03,058
[Sighs]
1056
00:50:03,225 --> 00:50:05,102
Sweet video game chair.
1057
00:50:09,064 --> 00:50:10,316
So what's in the box?
1058
00:50:10,399 --> 00:50:12,735
It's my personal collection
of erotica.
1059
00:50:13,152 --> 00:50:14,278
I want to give it to you.
1060
00:50:14,361 --> 00:50:17,281
I think there might be
a few tapes in there
that just might open up...
1061
00:50:17,364 --> 00:50:18,866
Pandora's box of love.
1062
00:50:18,949 --> 00:50:19,992
Okay.
1063
00:50:20,075 --> 00:50:22,870
Amy and I,
we used to watch
Harry Twatter...
1064
00:50:22,953 --> 00:50:24,455
and we'd put it on
the television...
1065
00:50:24,538 --> 00:50:26,457
and then act it out
as it was going on...
1066
00:50:26,540 --> 00:50:28,167
and it was...
1067
00:50:30,210 --> 00:50:31,712
She's adorable.
1068
00:50:32,671 --> 00:50:34,089
Fucking bitch.
1069
00:50:34,173 --> 00:50:36,216
Well, you know,
this is really gracious
and kind...
1070
00:50:36,258 --> 00:50:37,426
and generous and everything.
1071
00:50:37,509 --> 00:50:40,220
But I just don't want
a big box of porn
in my apartment.
1072
00:50:40,304 --> 00:50:42,765
There's some really
great stuff in here.
1073
00:50:42,806 --> 00:50:45,184
Really great movies in here,
man.
1074
00:50:45,434 --> 00:50:46,977
Hey, did you ever see
School of Rock?
1075
00:50:47,061 --> 00:50:48,520
Yeah.
Well, this is...
1076
00:50:48,604 --> 00:50:50,230
It's called School of...
1077
00:50:50,564 --> 00:50:51,690
You know...
1078
00:50:51,982 --> 00:50:55,361
That's nice.
But it stars Jack Black Cock.
1079
00:50:56,236 --> 00:50:57,404
That makes sense.
1080
00:50:57,488 --> 00:50:59,323
Dude, here it is.
1081
00:50:59,406 --> 00:51:01,950
Boner Jams '03.
It's a mixed tape I made.
1082
00:51:02,034 --> 00:51:06,121
All these great scenes
that I was really into
in the summer of 2003.
1083
00:51:06,455 --> 00:51:09,208
I think you'd really dig it.
Yeah. Now I can see that.
1084
00:51:09,291 --> 00:51:10,793
This is...
1085
00:51:11,085 --> 00:51:12,503
Everybody Loves Raymond.
1086
00:51:12,586 --> 00:51:14,004
That's probably
not supposed to be...
1087
00:51:14,088 --> 00:51:15,881
This is a good show.
I just tape it sometimes.
1088
00:51:15,964 --> 00:51:18,008
Well, I don't think
you understand something,
Dave.
1089
00:51:18,092 --> 00:51:22,554
I don't want this stuff, okay?
Because I don't do that,
that much.
1090
00:51:22,638 --> 00:51:24,598
What, masturbate?
Yeah.
1091
00:51:25,683 --> 00:51:28,060
Dude, I've jacked it twice
since I've been here.
1092
00:51:28,102 --> 00:51:31,230
Are you kidding me? Why not?
It's not a hobby of mine.
1093
00:51:31,271 --> 00:51:33,607
Well, then,
that's the only hobby
you don't have.
1094
00:51:33,691 --> 00:51:36,110
No, seriously,
I just don't feel comfortable
talking about...
1095
00:51:36,151 --> 00:51:37,236
You need to.
You're wound up.
1096
00:51:37,319 --> 00:51:38,904
You're like one of these
action figures...
1097
00:51:38,988 --> 00:51:40,739
all hermetically sealed
in your box.
1098
00:51:40,781 --> 00:51:43,158
You gotta play with...
Don't!
1099
00:51:43,242 --> 00:51:44,326
Don't take it out!
1100
00:51:44,410 --> 00:51:47,037
I'm sorry.
You know what, it's just...
1101
00:51:47,162 --> 00:51:49,873
It loses its value if you
take it out of its packaging.
1102
00:51:49,957 --> 00:51:53,085
I'm just saying, let it out.
Give it some air, man.
Play with it.
1103
00:51:53,127 --> 00:51:55,796
Take your porn with you.
I'm not taking it.
1104
00:51:55,879 --> 00:51:57,548
Take your box-o-porn.
1105
00:51:57,631 --> 00:52:00,426
It's my gift to you.
No. I don't want it.
1106
00:52:00,676 --> 00:52:01,844
David, it's not...
1107
00:52:01,927 --> 00:52:02,970
Andy, for the last time...
1108
00:52:03,053 --> 00:52:04,930
I don't want your giant box
of pornography.
1109
00:52:04,972 --> 00:52:07,266
No, no, no!
Come on, man.
1110
00:52:07,558 --> 00:52:08,851
So uncool.
1111
00:52:09,476 --> 00:52:10,644
Uncool?
1112
00:52:11,687 --> 00:52:15,482
Uncool is trying
to give an honest man
a big box of porn, Andy.
1113
00:52:16,400 --> 00:52:18,736
(David)
For the last time,
I don't want to watch...
1114
00:52:18,819 --> 00:52:20,446
School of Cock with you.
1115
00:52:20,863 --> 00:52:23,824
##[Hello playing]
1116
00:53:30,516 --> 00:53:32,434
It's nothing official.
1117
00:53:33,394 --> 00:53:36,397
Just a little token
of my appreciation.
1118
00:53:39,525 --> 00:53:40,943
[Tape forwarding]
1119
00:53:44,905 --> 00:53:46,115
[Woman moaning]
1120
00:53:48,283 --> 00:53:49,284
[Sighs]
1121
00:53:57,292 --> 00:54:00,587
Hi, Andy.
I'm gonna talk dirty to you.
1122
00:54:00,671 --> 00:54:04,967
I want to have
lots of sexy sex with you.
1123
00:54:05,134 --> 00:54:09,179
I want to touch
your big, fat noodle...
1124
00:54:09,304 --> 00:54:13,183
'cause I want to have
naughty intercourse with you.
1125
00:54:13,392 --> 00:54:17,354
I want you to put
your penis on,
I mean, in me, Andy.
1126
00:54:17,646 --> 00:54:21,025
I want to do lots of,
lots of sexy...
1127
00:54:21,108 --> 00:54:23,819
hot things with you. Shit.
1128
00:54:24,570 --> 00:54:27,656
This really isn't working,
Andy.
I don't know what to say...
1129
00:54:27,740 --> 00:54:29,199
because I am you.
1130
00:54:29,241 --> 00:54:30,242
[Exclaiming]
1131
00:54:31,285 --> 00:54:32,661
(Andy)
Okay. New tape.
1132
00:54:34,913 --> 00:54:37,750
Nothing is ever good enough
and it's always our fault.
1133
00:54:37,833 --> 00:54:39,668
Hey, you can't speak
to your mother like that.
1134
00:54:39,752 --> 00:54:41,628
You do.
She's not my mother.
1135
00:54:44,840 --> 00:54:45,799
[Traffic humming]
1136
00:54:46,633 --> 00:54:48,969
I heard Dave gave you
the box of porn.
1137
00:54:49,345 --> 00:54:50,387
Yeah, he did.
1138
00:54:51,805 --> 00:54:53,766
You ever watch, like,
Primetime Live...
1139
00:54:53,849 --> 00:54:55,851
when they take a black light
into a hotel room...
1140
00:54:55,934 --> 00:54:58,437
and show you all the semen
all over the bedspread?
1141
00:54:59,063 --> 00:55:00,022
Yeah.
1142
00:55:00,648 --> 00:55:02,816
You blind someone
with that box.
1143
00:55:03,400 --> 00:55:05,235
Could see that thing
from space.
1144
00:55:08,781 --> 00:55:11,367
This right here,
you looking at
the Bentley of big screen TVs.
1145
00:55:11,450 --> 00:55:13,827
I'm talking about,
this is the Rolls-Royce
of big screen...
1146
00:55:13,869 --> 00:55:14,870
[exclaiming]
1147
00:55:15,412 --> 00:55:17,873
Sometimes,
I think these butterflies
are in here.
1148
00:55:18,374 --> 00:55:20,292
I think he might be
fooling us all, though.
1149
00:55:20,376 --> 00:55:21,293
Really?
1150
00:55:21,377 --> 00:55:23,545
I actually think he might be,
like, some genius...
1151
00:55:23,629 --> 00:55:25,714
and this is like
some big, like, hilarious...
1152
00:55:25,798 --> 00:55:28,801
Like he's bored at work
and he just wanted to
kick up some shit...
1153
00:55:28,884 --> 00:55:30,219
so he told us all
he's a virgin.
1154
00:55:30,302 --> 00:55:32,388
You're seeing that
a lot of stuff
that's not there.
1155
00:55:32,471 --> 00:55:34,431
You're just projecting
all over him.
1156
00:55:34,640 --> 00:55:36,183
He might be an idiot savant...
1157
00:55:36,266 --> 00:55:39,269
but he's not, like,
clever enough to go that deep.
1158
00:55:39,353 --> 00:55:40,729
But he's got a great body.
1159
00:55:40,771 --> 00:55:43,107
Would you fuck him?
In a New York minute.
1160
00:55:43,190 --> 00:55:44,817
You would fuck him?
Absolutely.
1161
00:55:47,111 --> 00:55:48,904
Hey, Andy, what are you doing
for lunch?
1162
00:55:49,363 --> 00:55:51,532
I don't know.
I have a turkey sandwich.
1163
00:55:51,615 --> 00:55:54,451
We're gonna go around
the corner. I think you should
come with us.
1164
00:55:54,535 --> 00:55:57,329
There's this great place.
A lot of cute girls.
1165
00:55:57,746 --> 00:55:59,206
I don't know. Okay.
1166
00:56:00,124 --> 00:56:02,042
We brought you a shirt.
1167
00:56:02,459 --> 00:56:04,253
This place is pretty fancy.
1168
00:56:05,587 --> 00:56:06,588
Something going on?
1169
00:56:06,672 --> 00:56:08,507
Hey, who's ready
to have some fun?
1170
00:56:08,590 --> 00:56:09,883
[People cheering]
1171
00:56:10,551 --> 00:56:11,969
Hey, guys...
1172
00:56:13,387 --> 00:56:15,889
No, don't ignore me.
I know what this is.
1173
00:56:15,931 --> 00:56:18,434
Within one hour,
you'll each have 20 dates.
1174
00:56:18,559 --> 00:56:21,895
Don't...
Please don't do this.
I saw this on Primetime Live.
1175
00:56:22,021 --> 00:56:23,731
All right, ninja master.
1176
00:56:24,148 --> 00:56:26,150
We've given you all the advice
we have to give.
1177
00:56:26,233 --> 00:56:27,401
Now you gonna put it
in action.
1178
00:56:27,484 --> 00:56:29,445
Advice? You guys all
gave me different advice.
1179
00:56:29,528 --> 00:56:31,405
He thinks you're a pothead.
I am.
1180
00:56:31,572 --> 00:56:34,658
Dude. Hey, partner.
What are you whining about?
1181
00:56:34,742 --> 00:56:36,869
You asked for this shit.
No, I didn't.
1182
00:56:36,952 --> 00:56:38,787
Will you just quit whining
like a bitch?
1183
00:56:38,871 --> 00:56:41,373
I'm not whining like a bitch.
You are whining like a bitch.
1184
00:56:41,457 --> 00:56:44,460
And you about to cram
like 10 years of pimpage
into one day.
1185
00:56:44,543 --> 00:56:47,421
I don't want to cram pimpage.
And after that...
1186
00:56:47,838 --> 00:56:49,548
you on my level. Come on.
1187
00:56:49,631 --> 00:56:52,092
(Cal)
Just ask questions.
This is a bad idea.
1188
00:56:52,176 --> 00:56:53,177
[Buzzing]
1189
00:56:53,719 --> 00:56:55,012
[People chattering]
1190
00:56:55,095 --> 00:56:56,430
(woman)
Hi.
Hi. How are you?
1191
00:56:56,513 --> 00:56:57,723
I'm fine.
1192
00:56:58,932 --> 00:57:00,100
Are you fine?
1193
00:57:00,893 --> 00:57:01,894
Yeah.
1194
00:57:02,770 --> 00:57:04,396
You're fine then?
1195
00:57:05,105 --> 00:57:08,233
Are you fucking retarded?
What the hell's
the matter with you?
1196
00:57:08,609 --> 00:57:10,152
Do you want me to be
fucking retarded?
1197
00:57:10,235 --> 00:57:11,236
[Buzzer sounding]
1198
00:57:11,320 --> 00:57:13,697
When I look into
the eyes of the children
and the parents...
1199
00:57:13,781 --> 00:57:15,199
and they are smiling
and saying:
1200
00:57:15,282 --> 00:57:17,534
"Thank you, Dr. Montalban,
you saved my child"...
1201
00:57:17,618 --> 00:57:18,702
it was worth it.
1202
00:57:18,786 --> 00:57:19,828
[Buzzer sounding]
1203
00:57:21,580 --> 00:57:22,706
Amy...
1204
00:57:23,374 --> 00:57:25,501
what are you doing here?
David.
1205
00:57:26,877 --> 00:57:29,213
And you are Gina?
Gina.
1206
00:57:29,296 --> 00:57:31,006
Hey, what's up?
Nothing.
1207
00:57:31,131 --> 00:57:33,717
Look, I'm going to be
real honest with you.
1208
00:57:33,759 --> 00:57:36,261
It's been a long time
since I've been with a man.
1209
00:57:36,345 --> 00:57:39,014
Spent a lot of time
with the ladies.
1210
00:57:39,098 --> 00:57:41,517
Looking to get back up
on that pogo stick.
1211
00:57:41,600 --> 00:57:43,560
You know what I'm saying?
Excuse me.
1212
00:57:43,602 --> 00:57:47,564
Remember that time
when we made love
and you cried in my arms?
1213
00:57:47,648 --> 00:57:50,109
Please don't reminisce about
the times we fucked, please.
1214
00:57:50,150 --> 00:57:52,027
It's so creepy.
Let's go to Paris.
1215
00:57:52,111 --> 00:57:54,947
I want to take you
underneath the Eiffel Tower
and make love to you.
1216
00:57:54,989 --> 00:57:56,240
Cut it out.
Cut what out?
1217
00:57:56,323 --> 00:57:58,909
This go to Paris!
We've been broken up
for like two years, man.
1218
00:57:58,951 --> 00:58:00,411
I don't want to
date you anymore.
1219
00:58:00,452 --> 00:58:02,079
You're a whore.
I am not a whore.
1220
00:58:02,162 --> 00:58:03,789
I just didn't like you.
1221
00:58:03,872 --> 00:58:04,999
This is so us.
1222
00:58:05,082 --> 00:58:06,083
[Laughs]
1223
00:58:06,125 --> 00:58:07,167
[Snickering]
1224
00:58:07,251 --> 00:58:08,836
Psycho talk.
What?
1225
00:58:08,919 --> 00:58:10,754
You're a good-looking man.
Thank you.
1226
00:58:10,796 --> 00:58:13,215
Very pretty.
Real soft, delicate features.
1227
00:58:13,298 --> 00:58:15,759
You're real feminine,
you know,
which is good for me...
1228
00:58:15,843 --> 00:58:18,512
because that would be
a simple sort of transition.
1229
00:58:18,595 --> 00:58:19,763
You know what I'm saying?
1230
00:58:19,847 --> 00:58:23,017
Maybe throw a little rouge
on you, tuck your sac back.
1231
00:58:23,100 --> 00:58:24,643
You game?
No.
1232
00:58:24,727 --> 00:58:25,728
[Buzzer sounding]
1233
00:58:25,811 --> 00:58:29,523
You need to stop
fucking around
with my friend, okay?
1234
00:58:29,606 --> 00:58:32,443
Because you're giving
him hope, and it's driving
the man crazy.
1235
00:58:32,526 --> 00:58:35,571
I moved,
I changed my e-mail address,
my phone number.
1236
00:58:35,654 --> 00:58:37,072
He's practically
stalking me.
1237
00:58:37,114 --> 00:58:39,575
Well, I didn't know all that.
So, I'm sorry.
1238
00:58:39,658 --> 00:58:40,743
[Buzzer sounding]
1239
00:58:40,826 --> 00:58:41,952
I love Minnesota.
1240
00:58:42,036 --> 00:58:44,621
(woman)
I grew up in a town
outside of Minneapolis...
1241
00:58:44,705 --> 00:58:47,583
with a population of, like,
500 people. Really small.
1242
00:58:47,624 --> 00:58:49,918
Yeah, it's like
the Land of a Thousand Lakes.
1243
00:58:49,960 --> 00:58:52,755
What about you?
You're used to, like,
a really big city.
1244
00:58:52,880 --> 00:58:55,090
Really... God, yes.
1245
00:58:56,175 --> 00:58:59,511
The town that I grew up in
was really small. I mean...
1246
00:58:59,636 --> 00:59:02,514
you know, it was just so safe.
There was no crime.
1247
00:59:02,598 --> 00:59:05,768
I mean, a girl could just walk
from one end of town
to the other...
1248
00:59:05,851 --> 00:59:08,687
and just, you know,
feel completely safe.
1249
00:59:09,438 --> 00:59:10,648
[Coughing]
1250
00:59:10,731 --> 00:59:11,774
[Buzzer sounding]
1251
00:59:11,857 --> 00:59:13,192
(Jay)
You suppose he's had enough?
1252
00:59:13,275 --> 00:59:15,694
Spank bank has
once again been filled.
1253
00:59:16,612 --> 00:59:18,113
(Cal)
I'll tell you
who's the hottest.
1254
00:59:18,197 --> 00:59:21,283
You're gonna think I'm crazy.
Let me tell you. Gina.
1255
00:59:21,700 --> 00:59:24,745
Can't get va-Gina
out of my head.
Va-Gina all week.
1256
00:59:34,588 --> 00:59:35,964
You know what's a fun game?
Huh?
1257
00:59:36,048 --> 00:59:38,008
You take three
Excedrin PMs...
1258
00:59:38,050 --> 00:59:40,803
and you see
if you could whack off
before you fall asleep.
1259
00:59:40,844 --> 00:59:42,054
[Sighing]
1260
00:59:42,721 --> 00:59:45,265
You always win
is the best part
about the game.
1261
00:59:48,060 --> 00:59:49,979
(Jill)
Are you Andy?
Yeah.
1262
00:59:50,020 --> 00:59:51,605
Is this yours?
Did you write this stuff?
1263
00:59:51,689 --> 00:59:54,358
My girlfriend, Jill,
found your
speed-dating card.
1264
00:59:55,150 --> 00:59:56,443
Yeah, right.
1265
00:59:56,485 --> 00:59:58,612
God, I've been looking
for that speed-dating card.
1266
00:59:58,696 --> 01:00:00,489
Thank you so much
for bringing it to me.
1267
01:00:00,572 --> 01:00:02,700
So, you actually wrote
that one girl looked like...
1268
01:00:02,783 --> 01:00:04,660
she was
"hurting for a squirting"?
1269
01:00:04,952 --> 01:00:07,705
Mmm-hmm. Yeah.
Hurting for a squirting,
I wrote that.
1270
01:00:07,788 --> 01:00:10,124
So you wrote
"ho fo show. "
1271
01:00:10,916 --> 01:00:13,419
Yeah, I remember that girl.
She was a ho.
1272
01:00:14,169 --> 01:00:15,337
Fo show.
1273
01:00:15,546 --> 01:00:17,631
Let me show you
how this device works.
1274
01:00:17,673 --> 01:00:19,425
Right, I'm just looking
for a cordless phone.
1275
01:00:19,508 --> 01:00:22,136
Yup, it's great.
You can do anything,
make video diaries...
1276
01:00:22,177 --> 01:00:25,889
Hey, Amy, how's it going?
How you feeling? I'm great.
1277
01:00:26,098 --> 01:00:28,726
I feel fantastic
since we broke up.
1278
01:00:29,268 --> 01:00:30,894
I feel awesome!
1279
01:00:30,978 --> 01:00:33,647
Can you just show me
the department where there
would be phones?
1280
01:00:33,689 --> 01:00:35,858
How have you been?
What's been going on...
1281
01:00:35,941 --> 01:00:37,985
I bet... Hey, have you been
doing a lot of this?
1282
01:00:40,321 --> 01:00:41,655
Sir, please, sir.
1283
01:00:41,739 --> 01:00:43,198
You are never gonna
meet anybody...
1284
01:00:43,282 --> 01:00:45,951
with that kind of mentality
about women,
you sick son of a bitch.
1285
01:00:46,035 --> 01:00:47,745
Who the fuck are you
to put me on trial?
1286
01:00:47,828 --> 01:00:49,496
I've never even met you.
1287
01:00:49,538 --> 01:00:51,749
So why don't you
back the shit off, all right?
1288
01:00:51,832 --> 01:00:53,834
And stop with the inquisition.
1289
01:00:53,959 --> 01:00:55,210
That's how you talk?
1290
01:00:55,294 --> 01:00:57,171
You know what,
I don't have to answer to you.
1291
01:00:57,212 --> 01:00:58,756
You ain't my bitch.
1292
01:00:58,839 --> 01:01:00,382
Know what I saying?
1293
01:01:00,466 --> 01:01:02,801
So, shit, man. Fuck it.
1294
01:01:02,843 --> 01:01:04,887
You shouldn't even be
hanging out with this pervert.
1295
01:01:04,970 --> 01:01:07,097
I don't hang out with him.
I work with him and that's it.
1296
01:01:07,181 --> 01:01:08,849
I tried to introduce him
to a few nice people...
1297
01:01:08,932 --> 01:01:10,017
he made a fool of himself.
1298
01:01:10,100 --> 01:01:11,769
I don't mess with him, baby.
That's not me.
1299
01:01:11,852 --> 01:01:14,063
You should keep your ho
on a leash.
1300
01:01:14,146 --> 01:01:15,814
Bro, I can't let you...
Hey.
1301
01:01:15,856 --> 01:01:18,025
I can't let you be talking
to my woman like that, dawg.
1302
01:01:18,108 --> 01:01:20,277
Know what I'm saying?
Bitch is running wild, man.
1303
01:01:20,361 --> 01:01:23,572
You miss that ass?
That's the ass of a free man.
1304
01:01:23,656 --> 01:01:26,033
That ass is going out tonight,
maybe to a club.
1305
01:01:26,075 --> 01:01:27,660
Maybe to a night club.
1306
01:01:27,868 --> 01:01:29,203
Hey, Andy...
1307
01:01:29,244 --> 01:01:31,580
take a look at your pal.
Oh, my God.
1308
01:01:31,664 --> 01:01:34,208
Yeah, he's performing
a public colonoscopy.
1309
01:01:34,291 --> 01:01:35,709
Isn't that sweet?
1310
01:01:35,751 --> 01:01:37,252
I'm gonna send
David home for the day...
1311
01:01:37,336 --> 01:01:38,504
and you're gonna
fill in for him.
1312
01:01:38,545 --> 01:01:40,255
What? Selling things?
You got that right.
1313
01:01:40,339 --> 01:01:41,548
I don't think
that's a good idea.
1314
01:01:41,632 --> 01:01:43,175
And you're gonna have to
talk to people, too.
1315
01:01:43,217 --> 01:01:44,843
I know that's a frightening
concept to you...
1316
01:01:44,927 --> 01:01:46,178
but I think you can handle it.
1317
01:01:46,220 --> 01:01:48,013
So get out there
and start selling some shit.
1318
01:01:48,055 --> 01:01:49,348
...thing for Amy.
1319
01:01:49,723 --> 01:01:51,183
Hold it.
Check it out.
1320
01:01:51,225 --> 01:01:52,643
(David)
I miss her.
1321
01:01:52,893 --> 01:01:54,353
##[music playing]
1322
01:01:55,521 --> 01:01:57,481
Dude, the floor's
the ultimate aphrodisiac.
1323
01:01:57,564 --> 01:01:59,358
All you got to do
is go make your pick now.
1324
01:01:59,400 --> 01:02:01,777
Come on, man.
Okay.
1325
01:02:02,569 --> 01:02:04,530
And you could act
a little enthused about it.
1326
01:02:04,613 --> 01:02:05,698
Yeah.
1327
01:02:07,116 --> 01:02:10,327
(Jay)
That's right. That's right.
Gazelle in the pink top.
1328
01:02:11,495 --> 01:02:13,205
(Jay)
Oh, shit.
Hi.
1329
01:02:13,247 --> 01:02:15,332
(Andy)
Looks like you're
checking out digital cameras.
1330
01:02:15,374 --> 01:02:17,334
You know what, he ain't going
to do it willingly.
1331
01:02:17,376 --> 01:02:20,212
No. We need to, like,
really facilitate things
a bit more.
1332
01:02:20,295 --> 01:02:21,839
Yo, Andy.
(Andy)
Yeah.
1333
01:02:21,880 --> 01:02:23,424
What's up, dude?
This is Jay, man.
1334
01:02:23,507 --> 01:02:24,758
Hey, Jay.
1335
01:02:24,883 --> 01:02:26,301
I am throwing a party tonight.
1336
01:02:26,385 --> 01:02:28,095
It's gonna be real mellow,
just chilled up.
1337
01:02:28,178 --> 01:02:29,555
Now, you really
need to be there.
1338
01:02:29,638 --> 01:02:32,182
It's gonna be
really, really colorful.
1339
01:02:32,433 --> 01:02:33,726
Are you free?
1340
01:02:34,601 --> 01:02:35,686
Yeah, I think so.
1341
01:02:35,728 --> 01:02:38,147
That was a joke, man.
I know you're free.
1342
01:02:38,439 --> 01:02:39,815
I'm okay.
Gotta go, man.
1343
01:02:39,898 --> 01:02:40,983
All right, bye.
1344
01:02:43,736 --> 01:02:45,863
So, tell me, Montel...
1345
01:02:46,238 --> 01:02:49,325
why weren't we invited
to the party?
What are we, Al-Qaeda?
1346
01:02:49,408 --> 01:02:50,492
No, hold up.
1347
01:02:50,576 --> 01:02:52,745
No, no.
It's not that kind of party,
y'all.
1348
01:02:52,828 --> 01:02:54,872
You're not coming
to our fucking party either,
okay?
1349
01:02:54,913 --> 01:02:55,998
Fuck you, okay?
1350
01:02:56,081 --> 01:02:57,833
First of all,
it ain't that kind of party.
1351
01:02:57,916 --> 01:02:59,793
Go fuck a goat.
Yeah.
1352
01:02:59,918 --> 01:03:01,712
Why you always telling me
to fuck a goat, man?
1353
01:03:01,795 --> 01:03:02,838
(Mooj)
Fuck a goat!
1354
01:03:05,257 --> 01:03:06,633
[Elevator bell dings]
1355
01:03:08,552 --> 01:03:09,803
##[music playing on stereo]
1356
01:03:09,887 --> 01:03:11,055
[Knocking on door]
1357
01:03:19,396 --> 01:03:20,564
Hello?
1358
01:03:22,858 --> 01:03:23,984
Hello?
1359
01:03:25,778 --> 01:03:26,987
Hello.
1360
01:03:28,572 --> 01:03:30,282
Hello. Hi.
1361
01:03:31,241 --> 01:03:33,786
Are you here for Jay's party?
Yes.
1362
01:03:34,203 --> 01:03:35,829
I am Jay's party.
1363
01:03:37,665 --> 01:03:40,751
You know what, hiring
a transvestite prostitute
isn't helping me, man.
1364
01:03:40,834 --> 01:03:43,087
What? Ain't nobody hired
no damn transvestite.
1365
01:03:43,170 --> 01:03:44,213
What are you talking about?
1366
01:03:44,254 --> 01:03:46,090
She was really nice,
incidentally.
1367
01:03:46,173 --> 01:03:47,883
If that sister
was a transvestite...
1368
01:03:47,966 --> 01:03:50,052
that was the Mona Lisa
of transvestites.
1369
01:03:50,135 --> 01:03:52,054
You got a hummer
from the tranny, didn't you?
1370
01:03:52,096 --> 01:03:55,432
You know, aren't we owed
one now? 'Cause technically
we paid her.
1371
01:03:55,516 --> 01:03:56,850
Get a dick, man.
1372
01:03:56,934 --> 01:03:58,560
Do you guys even like me?
1373
01:03:58,644 --> 01:04:02,106
Or is this some sort
of cruel joke
that you're all in on?
1374
01:04:02,189 --> 01:04:04,483
Because I'm not a freak.
I'm a good person.
1375
01:04:04,566 --> 01:04:08,028
I always thought
that Matt Damon was
like a Streisand, but...
1376
01:04:08,696 --> 01:04:10,656
I think that he's rocking
the shit in this one.
1377
01:04:10,739 --> 01:04:12,449
Shut up, Dave!
1378
01:04:12,533 --> 01:04:16,412
Hold up. Let's just chill
on the aggression
for a minute.
1379
01:04:16,787 --> 01:04:20,916
Look at him.
He is such a bad ass.
1380
01:04:21,542 --> 01:04:23,919
He looks
just like Luke Wilson.
1381
01:04:23,961 --> 01:04:24,962
Mmm-hmm.
1382
01:04:25,087 --> 01:04:26,797
So you saying
she was definitely a man?
1383
01:04:26,880 --> 01:04:27,881
Yes.
1384
01:04:27,965 --> 01:04:30,050
Okay, well, how do you know
that she was a man?
1385
01:04:30,134 --> 01:04:33,095
Because her hands were
as big as Andr� the Giant's.
1386
01:04:33,429 --> 01:04:36,098
And she had an Adam's apple
as big as her balls.
1387
01:04:36,890 --> 01:04:38,392
So you have no proof.
1388
01:04:38,600 --> 01:04:40,436
You know what?
Just leave me alone.
1389
01:04:40,477 --> 01:04:42,563
Just stay away from me.
Or I'm gonna tell Paula...
1390
01:04:42,604 --> 01:04:44,565
that you're all stealing
the recordable CDs.
1391
01:04:45,232 --> 01:04:47,901
Come on.
That's like we were
paid to do it.
1392
01:04:47,943 --> 01:04:50,029
We did this
'cause we're your friends...
1393
01:04:50,112 --> 01:04:52,865
and we didn't think you have
the balls to do it yourself.
1394
01:04:52,948 --> 01:04:54,199
Really?
(David)
Yeah.
1395
01:04:54,450 --> 01:04:55,784
Okay, watch this.
1396
01:04:55,951 --> 01:04:57,453
Yo, Andy,
it's just CDs, man.
1397
01:04:57,494 --> 01:04:59,413
That's a third strike
for me, dawg.
1398
01:05:03,959 --> 01:05:05,085
[Brakes screech]
1399
01:05:05,169 --> 01:05:06,754
[Man shouting]
1400
01:05:17,389 --> 01:05:18,390
[Grunts]
1401
01:05:19,683 --> 01:05:21,018
[Bells chiming]
1402
01:05:22,978 --> 01:05:23,979
Hi.
1403
01:05:24,688 --> 01:05:26,815
Andy. Hi.
Right, yeah.
1404
01:05:26,982 --> 01:05:28,776
You remember my name.
I did.
1405
01:05:28,859 --> 01:05:31,362
How you doing?
I'm great.
I like your store.
1406
01:05:31,445 --> 01:05:33,989
That's good, yeah.
If you have time,
look around. It's...
1407
01:05:34,073 --> 01:05:35,157
Okay.
1408
01:05:35,616 --> 01:05:36,950
How's business been?
1409
01:05:36,992 --> 01:05:39,953
You know, it's coming along.
I mean, it takes a while.
1410
01:05:40,037 --> 01:05:43,082
Do you want to
go out sometime?
Yes.
1411
01:05:43,540 --> 01:05:46,043
Yes, I would like that.
That would be great.
1412
01:05:46,126 --> 01:05:49,880
I think I'm maybe free
this weekend,
if that's okay.
1413
01:05:49,963 --> 01:05:52,758
Or you could call me tomorrow
and we can just firm it up.
1414
01:05:52,800 --> 01:05:54,343
Okay. Great.
Great.
1415
01:05:54,426 --> 01:05:58,013
Okay, so I'll call you,
and yeah, that'll be good.
1416
01:05:58,097 --> 01:05:59,598
How you doing?
Congratulations.
1417
01:05:59,640 --> 01:06:01,558
Okay, so I'll... Yeah.
1418
01:06:01,892 --> 01:06:03,185
Can I help you?
1419
01:06:03,268 --> 01:06:05,771
Yeah, these are wonderful.
I'll take these.
1420
01:06:05,980 --> 01:06:09,608
Thanks, they are.
They're great. The goldfish
just crack me up.
1421
01:06:09,733 --> 01:06:10,776
Funny.
1422
01:06:10,818 --> 01:06:11,944
Yeah, they are.
Yeah.
1423
01:06:11,986 --> 01:06:13,195
Yeah.
They're cute.
1424
01:06:13,278 --> 01:06:16,448
I don't actually
sell anything here.
I just sell them on eBay.
1425
01:06:18,450 --> 01:06:19,618
I don't get it.
1426
01:06:19,994 --> 01:06:20,953
Okay.
1427
01:06:21,161 --> 01:06:24,081
Can you help me?
No, you're on your own here.
1428
01:06:24,164 --> 01:06:27,292
Good luck to you, and to you.
And I'll give you a call.
1429
01:06:27,376 --> 01:06:30,379
Great. Nice to see you.
Great. Thanks for coming in.
1430
01:06:30,963 --> 01:06:31,964
Bye.
1431
01:06:32,589 --> 01:06:34,633
So, I guess I'll just
give you some money...
1432
01:06:34,717 --> 01:06:37,261
and you can give me
these shoes and...
1433
01:06:37,344 --> 01:06:40,014
You know,
I know it seems so strange...
1434
01:06:40,097 --> 01:06:42,808
Yes. I'd just rather buy them
from you straight up.
1435
01:06:42,850 --> 01:06:44,810
Yeah, I know.
I wish it could be
that easy, but...
1436
01:06:44,852 --> 01:06:48,105
I wish, too,
but you're making it
extremely difficult for me.
1437
01:06:48,188 --> 01:06:50,316
I'm just trying
to get these shoes
back to my house...
1438
01:06:50,399 --> 01:06:51,650
so I can wear them.
1439
01:06:52,109 --> 01:06:53,652
(Cal)
I got a corpse in my way.
1440
01:06:53,736 --> 01:06:54,903
(David)
Look out. Just kill it.
1441
01:06:54,987 --> 01:06:57,990
That's just so not fair
that you have blades and...
1442
01:06:58,073 --> 01:06:59,950
I'm telling you, man,
I feel great.
1443
01:07:00,075 --> 01:07:02,119
I'm so...
It's like a weight
has been lifted.
1444
01:07:02,161 --> 01:07:05,789
Celibacy is the
way to go, man.
Andy had it right, you know?
1445
01:07:05,831 --> 01:07:07,708
Look at him.
He looks younger
than all of us...
1446
01:07:07,791 --> 01:07:09,043
but he's 10 years older.
1447
01:07:09,126 --> 01:07:11,628
Why? Because he's never had
a relationship.
1448
01:07:11,795 --> 01:07:14,423
No she-devil sucked
his life force out yet.
1449
01:07:24,725 --> 01:07:26,852
[Telephone ringing]
1450
01:07:30,939 --> 01:07:33,275
Hello?
Hey. Hi. Hello.
1451
01:07:33,651 --> 01:07:34,652
Is this Trish?
1452
01:07:35,653 --> 01:07:37,821
Who's calling, please?
This is Andy.
1453
01:07:37,905 --> 01:07:40,157
Hi, Andy.
Hi, how you doing?
1454
01:07:40,199 --> 01:07:43,160
I'm good. How're you doing?
I'm doing great.
1455
01:07:43,952 --> 01:07:45,204
(Cal)
So you're gay, now?
1456
01:07:45,287 --> 01:07:47,164
No, I'm not gay.
I'm just celibate.
1457
01:07:47,873 --> 01:07:49,917
I think...
I mean, that sounds gay.
1458
01:07:50,000 --> 01:07:52,878
I just want you to know
that this is the
first conversation...
1459
01:07:52,961 --> 01:07:56,382
of three conversations
that leads to you being gay.
1460
01:07:56,840 --> 01:07:59,426
There's this
and then in a year
it's like, "You know...
1461
01:07:59,510 --> 01:08:02,680
"I'm kind of going to wanna
get back out there,
but I think I like guys. "
1462
01:08:02,721 --> 01:08:05,557
And then there's the big,
"I'm a gay guy now. "
1463
01:08:05,849 --> 01:08:08,310
You're gay for saying that.
I'm gay for saying that?
1464
01:08:08,352 --> 01:08:10,980
You know how I know
you're gay?
How? How do you know I'm gay?
1465
01:08:11,021 --> 01:08:13,524
'Cause you macram�d yourself
a pair of jean shorts.
1466
01:08:13,607 --> 01:08:14,692
You know how I know
you're gay?
1467
01:08:14,775 --> 01:08:16,860
You just told me
you're not sleeping
with women anymore.
1468
01:08:16,944 --> 01:08:18,487
You know how I know
you're gay?
How?
1469
01:08:18,570 --> 01:08:21,657
'Cause you're gay
and you can tell
who other gay people are?
1470
01:08:21,740 --> 01:08:23,242
Do you know how I know
you're gay?
How?
1471
01:08:23,325 --> 01:08:24,785
You like Coldplay.
1472
01:08:25,494 --> 01:08:26,829
You're dead.
1473
01:08:26,912 --> 01:08:28,163
[Both groaning]
1474
01:08:28,205 --> 01:08:29,289
Come on.
1475
01:08:29,373 --> 01:08:31,333
Leave my torso alone
at least.
1476
01:08:32,209 --> 01:08:33,627
I also wanted to call...
1477
01:08:33,711 --> 01:08:36,380
and see what night
you might want to go out.
1478
01:08:36,505 --> 01:08:38,298
I'm actually free tonight.
1479
01:08:40,384 --> 01:08:43,762
Okay. Now, I was thinking
maybe this weekend,
but that's good. Okay.
1480
01:08:43,846 --> 01:08:44,805
(Trish)
Great.
1481
01:08:44,888 --> 01:08:46,890
Okay, what time
do you want to pick me up?
1482
01:08:48,350 --> 01:08:49,685
Let's see.
1483
01:08:50,561 --> 01:08:54,148
That's actually
kind of a problem
because I ride a bike.
1484
01:08:54,398 --> 01:08:55,816
That's cool.
Are you kidding me?
1485
01:08:55,899 --> 01:08:57,693
I love getting on the back
of a motorcycle.
1486
01:08:57,735 --> 01:09:00,446
My boyfriend in college
drove a motorcycle.
1487
01:09:00,529 --> 01:09:02,323
So, I mean, I'm cool.
1488
01:09:02,406 --> 01:09:06,493
Yeah, I bet that was cool.
I ride a bicycle.
1489
01:09:07,578 --> 01:09:09,204
You know how I know
that you're gay?
1490
01:09:09,288 --> 01:09:10,331
How?
1491
01:09:10,414 --> 01:09:12,708
You like the movie
Maid in Manhattan.
1492
01:09:12,750 --> 01:09:14,293
You know how I know
you're gay?
How?
1493
01:09:14,376 --> 01:09:17,504
I saw you make a spinach dip
in a loaf of
sourdough bread once.
1494
01:09:17,588 --> 01:09:19,381
You know how I know
you're gay?
How?
1495
01:09:19,423 --> 01:09:22,176
You have a rainbow
bumper sticker on your car
that says:
1496
01:09:22,217 --> 01:09:24,470
"I love it
when balls are in my face. "
1497
01:09:24,553 --> 01:09:25,638
That's gay?
1498
01:09:25,721 --> 01:09:27,056
God damn it!
1499
01:09:27,473 --> 01:09:30,100
I'm ripping your head off
right now. It's off.
1500
01:09:30,184 --> 01:09:32,686
And now I'm throwing it
at your body.
1501
01:09:33,520 --> 01:09:34,521
Fuck you!
1502
01:09:36,023 --> 01:09:37,149
You guys...
1503
01:09:37,900 --> 01:09:40,069
she's picking me up
in an hour.
1504
01:09:41,111 --> 01:09:42,738
Oh, drag, dude.
1505
01:09:43,280 --> 01:09:45,532
She's picking you up
from here?
Yeah.
1506
01:09:45,616 --> 01:09:47,201
That's fucked up, man.
1507
01:09:47,242 --> 01:09:48,869
Why?
Why?
1508
01:09:49,578 --> 01:09:53,040
Seriously. I mean,
look at this place, man.
1509
01:09:53,582 --> 01:09:56,835
You gotta see this through
the eyes of a woman,
you know?
1510
01:09:56,919 --> 01:09:59,213
What is she going to think
when she comes in here? Look.
1511
01:09:59,296 --> 01:10:01,757
He's got a billion toys.
So what?
1512
01:10:01,840 --> 01:10:04,593
And more video games
than a teenaged Asian kid.
1513
01:10:04,677 --> 01:10:06,178
It's all right.
1514
01:10:06,845 --> 01:10:09,640
Is that the
Six Million Dollar Man's boss?
1515
01:10:09,974 --> 01:10:11,141
It's Oscar Goldman.
1516
01:10:11,225 --> 01:10:13,435
Why do you have that?
That's worth a lot of money.
1517
01:10:13,519 --> 01:10:15,479
That's much more valuable
than Steve Austin.
1518
01:10:15,562 --> 01:10:19,817
Well, that may be the case.
But none of this shit
is sexy, okay?
1519
01:10:19,900 --> 01:10:21,610
I'm not
trying to be sexy, man.
1520
01:10:21,694 --> 01:10:23,153
I mean, seriously, Asia?
1521
01:10:23,278 --> 01:10:25,155
You framed an Asia poster?
1522
01:10:25,239 --> 01:10:27,199
How hard did the people
at the frame store laugh...
1523
01:10:27,282 --> 01:10:29,326
when you brought this in?
They did not laugh at me.
1524
01:10:29,410 --> 01:10:31,286
Know why you're gay?
Because you like Asia.
1525
01:10:31,370 --> 01:10:32,621
You guys cool it
with the gay.
1526
01:10:32,705 --> 01:10:34,540
You know, she's on her way
over here, okay?
1527
01:10:34,581 --> 01:10:36,333
First, you relax, okay?
1528
01:10:36,417 --> 01:10:39,712
Just stop calming me down
and tell me what I should do.
1529
01:10:39,753 --> 01:10:41,964
Okay, we just take everything
that's embarrassing...
1530
01:10:42,047 --> 01:10:43,090
and we move it out of here.
1531
01:10:43,173 --> 01:10:45,217
So it doesn't look like
you live in Neverland Ranch.
1532
01:10:52,599 --> 01:10:53,851
Hi.
Hi. How are you?
1533
01:10:53,934 --> 01:10:54,935
Good.
1534
01:10:55,019 --> 01:10:57,021
So, you wanna head out?
1535
01:10:57,104 --> 01:10:58,939
Did you just
move in or something?
1536
01:10:59,023 --> 01:11:01,275
No. Actually I'm getting
new carpet in.
1537
01:11:01,358 --> 01:11:03,777
I'm having carpet
put in tomorrow, so...
1538
01:11:05,112 --> 01:11:06,447
Well, you know.
Yeah.
1539
01:11:06,530 --> 01:11:08,240
Okay.
Looks good with the floors.
1540
01:11:08,282 --> 01:11:09,742
Yeah.
All right.
1541
01:11:10,075 --> 01:11:11,535
I should tear up
the hard wood...
1542
01:11:11,618 --> 01:11:13,746
and see if there's
carpet underneath.
1543
01:11:13,787 --> 01:11:15,664
That's never the case.
1544
01:11:19,001 --> 01:11:20,669
This is gonna be fun.
Yes.
1545
01:11:20,753 --> 01:11:22,629
You know,
I drive by this place
every day.
1546
01:11:22,713 --> 01:11:24,423
I've never been in
before.
1547
01:11:25,090 --> 01:11:26,300
I'm glad you came.
1548
01:11:26,383 --> 01:11:29,636
You know,
I never really go out
with nice guys like you.
1549
01:11:30,596 --> 01:11:33,432
I think I've avoided nice guys
like you my whole life...
1550
01:11:33,515 --> 01:11:34,975
at my own peril.
1551
01:11:36,852 --> 01:11:38,520
My last boyfriend
drank a lot.
1552
01:11:38,604 --> 01:11:39,563
Mmm-hmm.
1553
01:11:39,647 --> 01:11:41,190
And so...
This is just punch.
1554
01:11:41,273 --> 01:11:42,399
[Laughing]
1555
01:11:42,441 --> 01:11:44,276
No, it's okay.
A little bit's fine.
1556
01:11:44,318 --> 01:11:46,612
Buddha punch.
I need some Buddha.
1557
01:11:47,112 --> 01:11:49,615
Excuse me, miss.
Could you gather your team...
1558
01:11:49,657 --> 01:11:52,409
and sing happy birthday
for my daughter, please?
1559
01:11:55,204 --> 01:11:57,122
##[Singing in Chinese]
1560
01:12:07,383 --> 01:12:08,634
[All cheering]
1561
01:12:10,844 --> 01:12:13,597
That was so good. What?
That was great.
Happy birthday.
1562
01:12:13,639 --> 01:12:15,641
It's your birthday, too?
No.
1563
01:12:15,683 --> 01:12:17,768
It's his birthday, too.
No, no, no.
1564
01:12:17,851 --> 01:12:20,437
Could you sing for him
and bring him a cake?
1565
01:12:20,521 --> 01:12:22,022
(man)
Happy birthday.
1566
01:12:22,147 --> 01:12:23,983
##[Singing in Chinese]
1567
01:12:25,359 --> 01:12:26,610
[Inaudible]
1568
01:12:35,995 --> 01:12:38,372
Thanks a lot.
Happy birthday, Andy.
1569
01:12:54,680 --> 01:12:57,891
You really like kissing,
don't you?
Yes.
1570
01:12:58,142 --> 01:12:59,476
[Laughing]
1571
01:13:00,644 --> 01:13:01,937
I really do.
1572
01:13:01,979 --> 01:13:03,731
Take off your pants,
okay?
1573
01:13:05,274 --> 01:13:06,608
Okay.
Okay.
1574
01:13:09,111 --> 01:13:11,488
Wow, this is
really gonna happen.
Oh, yeah.
1575
01:13:11,530 --> 01:13:12,990
Thank God.
1576
01:13:14,408 --> 01:13:17,578
Okay, I'm
taking off my pants.
Yeah.
1577
01:13:17,828 --> 01:13:19,413
Do you need some help?
1578
01:13:19,788 --> 01:13:23,250
I think I almost got them.
It's hooked on my ankle.
1579
01:13:23,917 --> 01:13:25,461
Wow, that's...
1580
01:13:25,627 --> 01:13:26,879
[panting]
1581
01:13:27,046 --> 01:13:28,881
Hey, wait.
Do you have protection?
1582
01:13:28,964 --> 01:13:30,632
I don't like guns.
1583
01:13:30,841 --> 01:13:32,134
[Laughing]
1584
01:13:33,552 --> 01:13:35,095
That's funny.
1585
01:13:35,179 --> 01:13:37,514
I have condoms
right here. Okay?
1586
01:13:37,598 --> 01:13:39,475
Okay.
There's, you know...
1587
01:13:39,516 --> 01:13:42,603
Check the expiration date
because they were from
when I was married.
1588
01:13:42,686 --> 01:13:45,481
And we didn't have
sex that often. That's why
there are so many, okay?
1589
01:13:45,564 --> 01:13:46,649
Okay.
1590
01:13:51,028 --> 01:13:52,404
I got them.
1591
01:13:54,782 --> 01:13:56,408
How does this go?
1592
01:13:56,909 --> 01:14:01,622
Okay. "Roll over the tip
and down onto the base. "
1593
01:14:03,499 --> 01:14:05,084
Over the balls?
1594
01:14:05,668 --> 01:14:07,044
It doesn't say.
1595
01:14:10,255 --> 01:14:12,466
Do you mind
if I use your magnum?
1596
01:14:13,634 --> 01:14:14,635
Yeah.
1597
01:14:16,512 --> 01:14:18,472
Wow. You got to be kidding.
1598
01:14:19,306 --> 01:14:20,766
I am Aquaman.
1599
01:14:22,851 --> 01:14:24,353
What is that?
1600
01:14:28,524 --> 01:14:29,483
[Grunting]
1601
01:14:33,696 --> 01:14:35,114
[Coughing]
1602
01:14:39,660 --> 01:14:40,661
[Condom bursts]
1603
01:14:40,744 --> 01:14:41,745
[Yelps]
1604
01:14:42,413 --> 01:14:43,497
Mom?
1605
01:14:43,539 --> 01:14:44,581
[Marla exclaiming]
1606
01:14:44,665 --> 01:14:45,916
What's going on here?
1607
01:14:46,000 --> 01:14:47,918
Who the hell are you?
It's Andy.
1608
01:14:48,002 --> 01:14:49,044
Hi, I'm Andy.
1609
01:14:49,128 --> 01:14:50,629
God! What are you doing?
1610
01:14:50,713 --> 01:14:52,715
Marla, get the fuck
out of my room!
1611
01:14:52,798 --> 01:14:53,799
You know what...
1612
01:14:53,882 --> 01:14:56,468
I cannot believe
that you're allowed
to have sex when I'm not!
1613
01:14:56,510 --> 01:14:58,470
That is so unfair.
I'm gonna head out.
1614
01:14:58,554 --> 01:14:59,555
(Trish)
You should go.
1615
01:14:59,638 --> 01:15:02,599
Oh, Jesus!
How many times
did you just do it?
1616
01:15:02,683 --> 01:15:03,809
Oh, my God!
1617
01:15:03,892 --> 01:15:05,019
[Groaning]
1618
01:15:06,186 --> 01:15:07,688
I'm so sorry.
1619
01:15:14,695 --> 01:15:16,655
Dude, teach me.
1620
01:15:26,874 --> 01:15:27,875
(man)
Hotline.
1621
01:15:27,958 --> 01:15:31,462
Hi, yes, I'm calling
because it's more than
four hours...
1622
01:15:31,545 --> 01:15:34,590
and your ad said to call
if it's been more than
four hours.
1623
01:15:34,673 --> 01:15:36,592
How much of the medicine
have you taken, sir?
1624
01:15:37,134 --> 01:15:40,054
I haven't taken any,
but your ad said...
1625
01:15:40,095 --> 01:15:43,974
that if you've had
an erection for more than
four hours, you call.
1626
01:15:44,099 --> 01:15:47,478
You're only supposed to call
if you've taken the medicine.
1627
01:15:47,561 --> 01:15:50,939
Okay. I'm sorry.
I must not have
heard that part.
1628
01:15:51,023 --> 01:15:53,484
Yes. If you haven't taken
the medicine, you don't call.
1629
01:15:53,567 --> 01:15:55,569
Right. I'm sorry. Right.
1630
01:15:55,736 --> 01:15:57,946
So, there's nothing
you can do?
1631
01:15:58,405 --> 01:16:00,449
I just don't wanna...
There's nothing I can do.
1632
01:16:00,532 --> 01:16:01,575
I'm in Bombay, India.
1633
01:16:01,700 --> 01:16:04,411
Okay. No, not you personally.
I just don't want...
1634
01:16:04,745 --> 01:16:06,622
I just don't want
to have an erection anymore.
1635
01:16:06,705 --> 01:16:07,706
[Laughs]
1636
01:16:07,790 --> 01:16:09,958
You know,
you could have sex.
1637
01:16:10,042 --> 01:16:11,043
Okay. Yup.
1638
01:16:11,752 --> 01:16:15,589
That's one thing people do
when they have an erection.
1639
01:16:15,673 --> 01:16:18,217
Yeah, that's not an option.
I don't have sex.
1640
01:16:18,300 --> 01:16:20,636
Okay, well,
then you can masturbate.
1641
01:16:20,719 --> 01:16:22,388
I'd rather not masturbate.
1642
01:16:22,471 --> 01:16:25,432
If you'd like the erection
to go away,
you can light a match...
1643
01:16:25,516 --> 01:16:29,561
blow out the flame
and put the hot ember
on your wrist.
1644
01:16:30,270 --> 01:16:32,398
And that will focus
the brain elsewhere...
1645
01:16:32,481 --> 01:16:35,025
and you will lose
your erection.
Really? That'd work?
1646
01:16:35,067 --> 01:16:37,861
Take your finger
and flick your testicle...
1647
01:16:37,945 --> 01:16:39,405
and if you do that
till it hurts...
1648
01:16:39,488 --> 01:16:41,699
your erection will go away.
Okay, all right.
1649
01:16:41,740 --> 01:16:43,158
It sounds unpleasant
and it is.
1650
01:16:43,242 --> 01:16:44,952
It is a trick we use
in India.
1651
01:16:45,035 --> 01:16:48,789
Okay, those are all
good pieces of advice.
I really appreciate it.
1652
01:16:48,872 --> 01:16:50,874
We appreciate your business.
1653
01:16:51,083 --> 01:16:53,127
Oh, no.
We didn't get your business...
1654
01:16:53,210 --> 01:16:56,630
No, not this time.
I guess I didn't need you
this time. Thank you.
1655
01:17:06,348 --> 01:17:07,433
[Sighing]
1656
01:17:09,435 --> 01:17:10,436
[Exclaiming]
1657
01:17:16,942 --> 01:17:18,235
[Sighing]
1658
01:17:24,116 --> 01:17:25,075
[Exclaims]
1659
01:17:25,159 --> 01:17:27,703
My goodness, Andy,
you are a terrific salesman.
1660
01:17:27,786 --> 01:17:30,122
Thank you.
Gosh, you really got it down.
1661
01:17:30,205 --> 01:17:32,041
Thanks.
And your numbers are good.
1662
01:17:32,082 --> 01:17:33,083
Thanks.
1663
01:17:33,125 --> 01:17:35,085
I'm going to put you out
on the floor full time.
1664
01:17:35,127 --> 01:17:36,128
Really?
Yeah.
1665
01:17:36,211 --> 01:17:37,087
Wow. Okay.
1666
01:17:37,171 --> 01:17:39,465
Good. We're gonna get you
a blue shirt and tie,
all right?
1667
01:17:39,548 --> 01:17:40,466
Great. Thanks.
1668
01:17:40,549 --> 01:17:43,552
You know, Andy,
I've been thinking
about your problem.
1669
01:17:43,636 --> 01:17:45,804
I think I might have
a solution for you.
1670
01:17:47,014 --> 01:17:50,100
You ever heard of the term
"fuck buddy"?
1671
01:17:51,894 --> 01:17:52,978
What?
1672
01:17:53,103 --> 01:17:55,606
It's a special friend...
1673
01:17:56,523 --> 01:17:57,733
who you fuck.
1674
01:17:58,734 --> 01:18:00,819
No, haven't heard that term.
1675
01:18:00,903 --> 01:18:03,822
When I was a little girl,
I developed early.
1676
01:18:04,490 --> 01:18:07,576
By the time I was 14,
I had this body
you're looking at.
1677
01:18:07,618 --> 01:18:10,704
Can you imagine that?
I don't want to, no.
1678
01:18:11,288 --> 01:18:14,375
Well, needless to say,
a lot of male attention.
1679
01:18:14,458 --> 01:18:15,584
Like men, yes.
1680
01:18:15,668 --> 01:18:19,672
Especially from our
Guatemalan gardener, Javier.
1681
01:18:19,838 --> 01:18:20,964
Okay.
1682
01:18:21,340 --> 01:18:23,092
You know, Javier...
1683
01:18:23,968 --> 01:18:28,722
before he made
passionate yet gentle love
to me for the first time...
1684
01:18:30,099 --> 01:18:34,228
he serenaded me with
a beautiful old Guatemalan
love song.
1685
01:18:34,269 --> 01:18:35,938
Really, that's...
1686
01:18:36,313 --> 01:18:38,732
That sounds nice.
1687
01:18:38,774 --> 01:18:40,234
##[Singing in Spanish]
1688
01:19:06,135 --> 01:19:07,177
Okay.
1689
01:19:08,804 --> 01:19:10,055
My goodness.
1690
01:19:10,347 --> 01:19:12,599
I think we better
get back to work.
Yeah.
1691
01:19:12,641 --> 01:19:14,977
Yeah, I better go
back to work.
Yeah.
1692
01:19:15,060 --> 01:19:16,895
So, okay.
All right.
1693
01:19:16,979 --> 01:19:18,856
So, you mull it over
and I'll talk to you soon.
1694
01:19:18,939 --> 01:19:20,774
All right, I will.
Thank you.
Okay.
1695
01:19:22,901 --> 01:19:23,902
[Gasps]
1696
01:19:25,863 --> 01:19:28,866
What's up, dawg?
What happened?
How was the date with Trish?
1697
01:19:28,949 --> 01:19:31,285
It was a disaster.
Really?
1698
01:19:31,327 --> 01:19:34,121
Yes. I've never been
more embarrassed in my life.
1699
01:19:34,330 --> 01:19:36,373
Couldn't get the
condoms to work.
1700
01:19:36,457 --> 01:19:39,209
And one of them
exploded on my balls.
1701
01:19:39,543 --> 01:19:41,295
And then her kid
walked in the room.
1702
01:19:41,378 --> 01:19:42,296
Wait. Hold up.
1703
01:19:42,379 --> 01:19:43,922
She was hiding the kid
from you, dawg?
1704
01:19:43,964 --> 01:19:45,299
You know what,
it doesn't matter...
1705
01:19:45,382 --> 01:19:47,718
because it was going downhill
straight from there.
1706
01:19:47,801 --> 01:19:49,970
Listen, you don't want
no baby-daddy drama.
1707
01:19:50,054 --> 01:19:51,305
Trust me on this one,
all right?
1708
01:19:51,347 --> 01:19:53,432
For all you know,
he in prison right now.
1709
01:19:53,474 --> 01:19:54,850
Let's say y'all
living together.
1710
01:19:54,933 --> 01:19:57,895
Next thing you know,
you the one going on the
1st and the 15th...
1711
01:19:57,978 --> 01:19:59,188
to pick up the
government check.
1712
01:19:59,271 --> 01:20:01,357
What if he got boys
that's on the outside...
1713
01:20:01,440 --> 01:20:02,524
and they stalking you?
1714
01:20:02,608 --> 01:20:04,485
You see what I'm saying?
You got to think, partner...
1715
01:20:04,568 --> 01:20:06,278
What the fuck
are you talking about?
1716
01:20:06,320 --> 01:20:08,822
Here's what you do.
You tell her you're a virgin.
1717
01:20:08,864 --> 01:20:10,991
You test her
with this shit, okay?
1718
01:20:11,075 --> 01:20:13,827
Here, tell me. Tell me.
This is how it's gonna go.
Tell me.
1719
01:20:13,911 --> 01:20:15,704
I'm a virgin.
Sweet.
1720
01:20:16,205 --> 01:20:19,625
I like that because
you don't have Chlamydia.
1721
01:20:20,834 --> 01:20:23,587
And I know that,
and that shit is everywhere.
1722
01:20:24,129 --> 01:20:25,923
What if she
laughs at me, though?
1723
01:20:26,006 --> 01:20:28,175
Then you punch her
in the fucking head
if she laughs.
1724
01:20:28,258 --> 01:20:30,803
I'm not going to
punch her in the head.
She's really sweet.
1725
01:20:30,886 --> 01:20:34,473
No. I mean, you punch her
in her fucking head
emotionally.
1726
01:20:34,515 --> 01:20:37,518
She's different. She's someone
I felt like I had...
1727
01:20:37,601 --> 01:20:38,936
a connection with.
1728
01:20:39,019 --> 01:20:42,272
All you trying to do right now
is bust off this first night.
1729
01:20:42,356 --> 01:20:44,858
You got a whole lot of semen
back up in you.
1730
01:20:44,942 --> 01:20:46,110
I am going to tell her.
1731
01:20:46,193 --> 01:20:47,987
You should totally
tell her, man.
I'm going to.
1732
01:20:48,070 --> 01:20:50,322
'Cause I watched this movie
called Liar Liar...
1733
01:20:50,364 --> 01:20:53,033
and the message was,
"Don't lie. "
1734
01:20:53,117 --> 01:20:54,827
And that was a smart movie.
1735
01:20:54,868 --> 01:20:56,370
Yeah, that's the right thing.
Yeah.
1736
01:20:57,121 --> 01:21:01,041
Really? All your girlfriends
wanted to have sex
with virgins, too?
1737
01:21:01,709 --> 01:21:05,295
That's funny. I didn't
even know you girls
talked like that.
1738
01:21:05,963 --> 01:21:09,091
I think my first time
might be your best time, too.
1739
01:21:09,925 --> 01:21:11,343
Well, I knew it.
You know what...
1740
01:21:11,385 --> 01:21:14,471
I knew that you'd
react that way
and I knew that...
1741
01:21:14,722 --> 01:21:19,184
you would want
to lead me through
my first sexual encounter...
1742
01:21:19,518 --> 01:21:23,981
with all the compassion
and care that someone...
1743
01:21:24,273 --> 01:21:25,899
would give to their soul mate.
1744
01:21:25,983 --> 01:21:27,860
Oh, my God. I'm in trouble.
1745
01:21:31,071 --> 01:21:32,281
Hey, Andy.
1746
01:21:32,740 --> 01:21:34,366
(Joe)
You watching Survivor tonight?
1747
01:21:34,450 --> 01:21:36,910
No, actually
I'm going out to dinner
with somebody.
1748
01:21:36,994 --> 01:21:37,911
Hi.
1749
01:21:38,412 --> 01:21:39,455
(Andy)
This is her.
1750
01:21:39,538 --> 01:21:41,540
Trish, this is
Joe and Sara.
Hi.
1751
01:21:41,623 --> 01:21:42,958
Hi, Trish.
Hey.
1752
01:21:43,042 --> 01:21:44,543
But tape it for me,
okay?
1753
01:21:44,626 --> 01:21:46,337
Will do. All right.
(Andy)
Thanks.
1754
01:21:46,378 --> 01:21:47,504
So long.
(Sara)
Bye-bye.
1755
01:21:47,588 --> 01:21:49,298
See you later.
Have a good night.
1756
01:21:49,381 --> 01:21:51,759
Yeah, my man's gonna
get it on tonight.
1757
01:21:51,842 --> 01:21:52,801
Yes, sir.
1758
01:21:52,885 --> 01:21:55,429
Yeah, and you better
get on me, too.
1759
01:21:55,721 --> 01:21:57,640
What is wrong
with this woman?
1760
01:21:57,723 --> 01:21:58,891
Mercy, mercy, mercy.
1761
01:22:05,272 --> 01:22:06,982
I'm so sorry that happened
the other night.
1762
01:22:07,066 --> 01:22:08,067
No, I'm sorry.
1763
01:22:08,150 --> 01:22:09,860
Oh, my God.
That was me.
1764
01:22:09,902 --> 01:22:10,903
No.
1765
01:22:11,612 --> 01:22:14,323
Let me...
I have something
I want to tell you.
1766
01:22:15,199 --> 01:22:17,159
Kind of hard to talk about.
1767
01:22:18,118 --> 01:22:19,119
But...
1768
01:22:19,870 --> 01:22:22,873
you know,
there are certain things...
1769
01:22:23,207 --> 01:22:25,584
about who I am that...
1770
01:22:26,085 --> 01:22:29,088
I'm sorry.
I just have to get this
off my chest.
1771
01:22:29,171 --> 01:22:31,840
I am so sorry,
I didn't tell you I had kids.
1772
01:22:32,591 --> 01:22:34,426
Yeah, what was that about?
1773
01:22:34,510 --> 01:22:36,887
Gosh. You know,
that really surprised me.
1774
01:22:39,723 --> 01:22:41,684
No, you should have
told me probably, but...
1775
01:22:41,725 --> 01:22:42,726
I'm sorry. I know.
1776
01:22:42,810 --> 01:22:44,895
What do I care
if you have a kid?
1777
01:22:45,396 --> 01:22:47,022
Well, I have two kids.
1778
01:22:47,898 --> 01:22:50,317
Wow. Okay.
How old are they?
1779
01:22:51,318 --> 01:22:52,361
Six.
1780
01:22:53,112 --> 01:22:54,363
Sixteen.
1781
01:22:54,822 --> 01:22:56,198
Twenty-one.
1782
01:22:57,074 --> 01:22:58,367
Forty-two.
1783
01:22:59,284 --> 01:23:01,245
Fifty-six. How many kids
do you have?
1784
01:23:01,286 --> 01:23:03,122
I have three.
Okay, three.
1785
01:23:03,205 --> 01:23:05,165
Yeah,
and one of them
has a kid.
1786
01:23:05,249 --> 01:23:06,542
A one-year-old.
1787
01:23:06,917 --> 01:23:08,627
That's cool. That's great.
1788
01:23:10,629 --> 01:23:14,133
I'm really glad
we're doing this.
Me, too.
1789
01:23:18,512 --> 01:23:20,014
Listen, Andy...
1790
01:23:20,431 --> 01:23:23,434
I don't want to send you
running for the hills
or anything, but...
1791
01:23:23,517 --> 01:23:28,230
I really feel like
if we decide to
do this again, then...
1792
01:23:30,357 --> 01:23:33,569
maybe we should hold off
on the physical part
for a while.
1793
01:23:35,487 --> 01:23:37,823
That is a fantastic idea.
1794
01:23:38,615 --> 01:23:40,075
Why didn't I think of that?
1795
01:23:40,159 --> 01:23:41,368
Really?
Totally.
1796
01:23:41,452 --> 01:23:44,747
No sex?
No. Why do that?
1797
01:23:44,830 --> 01:23:46,623
Because here's the thing.
1798
01:23:46,749 --> 01:23:47,958
From personal experience...
1799
01:23:48,042 --> 01:23:50,711
I found that
sex can really
complicate things.
1800
01:23:50,794 --> 01:23:53,881
And what we should be
doing right now is
getting to know each other.
1801
01:23:53,922 --> 01:23:54,965
Yeah.
1802
01:23:55,341 --> 01:23:57,343
Well, I never thought
you'd go for it.
1803
01:23:57,426 --> 01:23:58,719
I'm going for it.
1804
01:23:58,802 --> 01:24:01,805
Well, that just
is a great, great notion.
1805
01:24:02,765 --> 01:24:03,849
Are you serious?
1806
01:24:03,932 --> 01:24:06,727
Look at my face.
Look at how serious I am.
1807
01:24:07,019 --> 01:24:08,729
Can you see my nostrils?
1808
01:24:08,812 --> 01:24:10,606
Yes.
That's serious.
1809
01:24:10,939 --> 01:24:12,358
That's more angry.
1810
01:24:12,775 --> 01:24:14,985
Yeah, you know what,
most guys would be saying:
1811
01:24:15,069 --> 01:24:18,280
"Yeah," right now, but, like,
by the third date,
it would be:
1812
01:24:18,364 --> 01:24:21,867
"Hey, baby, I really need to
physically express
how I feel"...
1813
01:24:21,950 --> 01:24:24,328
and all that stuff.
Well, hey, baby...
1814
01:24:24,411 --> 01:24:27,498
you know, three dates...
Make it 10, 10 dates.
1815
01:24:29,375 --> 01:24:30,668
How about 15?
1816
01:24:30,751 --> 01:24:34,463
Fifteen. Screw your 15.
20 dates.
1817
01:24:34,755 --> 01:24:36,799
Okay, 20 dates.
Twenty dates.
1818
01:24:37,257 --> 01:24:39,426
Okay.
This is genius.
1819
01:24:39,802 --> 01:24:41,178
It's gonna hurt.
1820
01:24:43,180 --> 01:24:45,140
Not as much as you think.
1821
01:24:46,892 --> 01:24:49,019
We can really get to know
each other this way.
1822
01:24:49,103 --> 01:24:50,062
Yeah.
1823
01:24:50,521 --> 01:24:53,065
This is one, right?
No, next one.
1824
01:24:54,817 --> 01:24:56,318
[Door opening]
1825
01:24:57,444 --> 01:24:58,529
[Clearing throat]
1826
01:24:59,029 --> 01:25:00,948
Is it safe to come in,
or are you guys doing it?
1827
01:25:01,031 --> 01:25:02,700
Honey, it's safe.
1828
01:25:05,160 --> 01:25:06,203
Great.
1829
01:25:06,286 --> 01:25:07,913
(Trish)
Well, good timing.
1830
01:25:08,288 --> 01:25:09,957
Yeah.
(Trish)
You remember Marla.
1831
01:25:10,040 --> 01:25:12,960
Hi, we met.
And this is
my little bunny rabbit.
1832
01:25:13,043 --> 01:25:14,461
Julia.
Hey.
1833
01:25:14,545 --> 01:25:16,922
This is Andy.
Julia, how you doing?
1834
01:25:17,881 --> 01:25:21,427
You know what,
do you by any chance
like magic?
1835
01:25:21,927 --> 01:25:24,388
Yeah.
I thought that you might.
1836
01:25:24,471 --> 01:25:25,973
Because I noticed
on the way in...
1837
01:25:26,056 --> 01:25:28,642
that you had something shiny
behind your ear.
1838
01:25:28,726 --> 01:25:31,145
Marla, did you see that?
Something behind her ear?
1839
01:25:31,228 --> 01:25:32,730
You think you do?
Could I check?
1840
01:25:32,813 --> 01:25:35,107
Do you mind if I check
behind your ear?
1841
01:25:35,316 --> 01:25:36,692
Big money!
1842
01:25:36,775 --> 01:25:37,735
[Exclaiming]
1843
01:25:38,152 --> 01:25:40,779
That's amazing.
Wow, it is amazing.
1844
01:25:40,863 --> 01:25:42,948
There's something else, too,
behind your ear, I think.
1845
01:25:43,032 --> 01:25:45,701
No, actually it's not
behind your ear.
I think it is your ear.
1846
01:25:45,784 --> 01:25:46,744
Rip!
1847
01:25:46,827 --> 01:25:50,289
It is your ear.
There is your ear.
1848
01:25:50,372 --> 01:25:51,707
I ripped it off.
1849
01:25:51,790 --> 01:25:53,292
Gross!
Yeah, that's...
1850
01:25:53,375 --> 01:25:56,503
All right. Wait.
Okay, but that means
that you...
1851
01:25:56,587 --> 01:25:59,548
walk around with a rubber ear
in your pocket all day?
1852
01:26:00,382 --> 01:26:02,092
Yeah, like half the time.
1853
01:26:02,384 --> 01:26:04,261
You know, I can come
to your high school...
1854
01:26:04,303 --> 01:26:06,305
and do it for your friends
if you want.
1855
01:26:06,347 --> 01:26:08,182
You know what,
I should head out.
1856
01:26:08,265 --> 01:26:09,600
Really?
Yeah.
1857
01:26:09,642 --> 01:26:11,560
I have to give you
a ride home.
1858
01:26:11,644 --> 01:26:12,853
Right. Yes, you do.
1859
01:26:12,936 --> 01:26:15,147
Yeah, 'cause you don't have
a car or anything, right?
1860
01:26:15,230 --> 01:26:16,774
Right, I don't have a car.
1861
01:26:16,857 --> 01:26:19,485
'Cause he doesn't have a car,
and he does magic.
1862
01:26:19,818 --> 01:26:20,903
Awesome.
1863
01:26:21,111 --> 01:26:23,697
And sarcasm is like
a second language to me.
1864
01:26:23,781 --> 01:26:25,824
So, I'm right there with you.
1865
01:26:25,908 --> 01:26:26,909
[Laughing]
1866
01:26:28,952 --> 01:26:30,329
But, Dad...
1867
01:26:31,080 --> 01:26:34,375
I don't know how to love.
1868
01:26:35,250 --> 01:26:36,752
You never...
1869
01:26:36,835 --> 01:26:40,881
taught me how...
1870
01:26:41,173 --> 01:26:42,299
[ringing]
1871
01:26:44,218 --> 01:26:46,095
Hello.
(Andy)
Hey, Cal.
1872
01:26:46,261 --> 01:26:48,472
Hey.
I just got back from a date.
1873
01:26:48,555 --> 01:26:50,641
Did you tell her
you're a virgin?
1874
01:26:51,016 --> 01:26:53,143
No. I haven't gotten
to that yet.
1875
01:26:53,227 --> 01:26:55,437
Really?
Are you having sex right now?
1876
01:26:55,646 --> 01:26:57,815
No. She was incredible.
1877
01:26:58,148 --> 01:27:00,484
She was amazing.
She didn't pressure me.
1878
01:27:00,526 --> 01:27:03,529
And she has three kids.
1879
01:27:03,612 --> 01:27:05,614
And one of her kids
has a kid.
1880
01:27:05,698 --> 01:27:07,241
[Coughing]
1881
01:27:07,825 --> 01:27:09,118
You all right?
1882
01:27:09,535 --> 01:27:13,831
Did you just say she has
three kids, one of whom
has a kid?
1883
01:27:13,872 --> 01:27:16,333
Yeah.
So, so, she's a grandma?
1884
01:27:16,500 --> 01:27:17,501
No.
1885
01:27:17,584 --> 01:27:19,336
I'm not a doctor
or anything like that...
1886
01:27:19,420 --> 01:27:21,588
but she's a fucking grandma.
1887
01:27:22,423 --> 01:27:24,008
Yeah, whatever, you know.
1888
01:27:24,091 --> 01:27:25,509
She's the hottest grandma
I ever saw.
1889
01:27:25,551 --> 01:27:27,011
Yeah, she is.
She's a hot grandma.
1890
01:27:27,052 --> 01:27:29,805
That's a good-looking grandma.
My grandma looks like
Jack Palance.
1891
01:27:29,847 --> 01:27:30,889
Well, she's no Jack Palance.
1892
01:27:30,973 --> 01:27:32,683
No. If Jack Palance
looked like that lady...
1893
01:27:32,766 --> 01:27:34,727
I would want to
fuck Jack Palance right now.
1894
01:27:34,810 --> 01:27:35,811
Yeah, me, too.
1895
01:27:36,395 --> 01:27:37,521
She's a hot grandma.
1896
01:27:37,604 --> 01:27:39,481
Heck, yeah.
No, do a grandma, man.
1897
01:27:39,523 --> 01:27:42,318
You should fuck her
on her plastic-covered couch.
1898
01:27:43,110 --> 01:27:45,112
Fuck her while she watches
Murder, She Wrote.
1899
01:27:45,195 --> 01:27:46,780
She would probably find that
very erotic.
1900
01:27:46,864 --> 01:27:48,115
Yeah, whatever, you know.
1901
01:27:48,198 --> 01:27:51,660
Fuck her and then have her
send you a check
for $12 on your birthday.
1902
01:27:52,369 --> 01:27:54,621
I'm the dude
with the hot granny.
1903
01:27:55,998 --> 01:27:57,750
(Andy)
What did you want to
talk to me about?
1904
01:27:57,833 --> 01:27:59,543
Well, Andy,
the numbers just came in...
1905
01:27:59,626 --> 01:28:03,339
and you are by far
our best salesman.
1906
01:28:03,672 --> 01:28:06,050
So, I am promoting you
to floor manager.
1907
01:28:06,467 --> 01:28:08,302
This is the bullshit
of all bullshits!
1908
01:28:08,344 --> 01:28:10,346
You scumbag! Ass kisser!
1909
01:28:12,681 --> 01:28:14,350
Thank you. That's great.
1910
01:28:14,683 --> 01:28:18,437
I understand
you have a girlfriend.
Yeah, kind of seeing somebody.
1911
01:28:18,854 --> 01:28:21,482
I'm very happy for you.
Thanks. She's great.
1912
01:28:21,649 --> 01:28:23,275
Are you still a virgin?
1913
01:28:24,360 --> 01:28:25,861
You know, I don't really...
1914
01:28:25,903 --> 01:28:27,821
talk about my personal life.
You're a virgin.
1915
01:28:27,863 --> 01:28:29,239
Yes, I am.
Yeah.
1916
01:28:30,616 --> 01:28:32,326
My door is always open.
1917
01:28:32,951 --> 01:28:34,745
So to speak.
Great.
1918
01:28:36,246 --> 01:28:37,623
Great. Thank you.
1919
01:28:38,123 --> 01:28:40,084
I'm very discreet.
1920
01:28:42,878 --> 01:28:45,339
But I'll haunt your dreams.
1921
01:28:47,216 --> 01:28:48,592
Okay.
Okay.
1922
01:28:48,801 --> 01:28:49,802
[Sniffing]
1923
01:28:53,931 --> 01:28:55,349
Wow.
1924
01:28:57,226 --> 01:29:01,271
So who's gonna take my job?
Cal will be
taking over your job.
1925
01:29:01,355 --> 01:29:03,190
And he's interviewing people
right now...
1926
01:29:03,232 --> 01:29:04,525
for his old job.
1927
01:29:04,608 --> 01:29:06,652
So, have you ever worked
with electronics before?
1928
01:29:06,735 --> 01:29:07,861
No.
No?
1929
01:29:08,070 --> 01:29:11,323
But I have electronics
in my home.
1930
01:29:12,366 --> 01:29:16,328
Perfect. That's the job
pretty much.
You're very well-qualified.
1931
01:29:16,996 --> 01:29:18,497
More than these other losers.
1932
01:29:18,580 --> 01:29:19,581
[Laughs]
1933
01:29:20,040 --> 01:29:22,710
I could do that...
Wait, last thing.
1934
01:29:22,793 --> 01:29:24,837
I'm also gonna need that
extended warranty on it...
1935
01:29:24,878 --> 01:29:27,214
for the price of
"on the house. "
1936
01:29:29,216 --> 01:29:30,509
That I can't do.
1937
01:29:30,551 --> 01:29:33,262
Hey, don't be a Negro.
Be my nigger. All right?
Help me out.
1938
01:29:33,345 --> 01:29:35,389
Hold up.
I ain't nobody's nigger.
1939
01:29:36,390 --> 01:29:39,143
I mean, you're somebody's nigger
wearing this nigger tie.
1940
01:29:39,226 --> 01:29:40,728
Now you being condescending.
1941
01:29:40,811 --> 01:29:44,315
See, you've been warned,
all right?
Just move forward amicably.
1942
01:29:44,398 --> 01:29:45,733
Okay. Well, check this out.
1943
01:29:45,816 --> 01:29:47,901
First of all, you're throwing
too many big words at me.
1944
01:29:47,985 --> 01:29:49,695
Okay, now because
I don't understand them...
1945
01:29:49,737 --> 01:29:51,238
I'm gonna take them
as disrespect.
1946
01:29:51,280 --> 01:29:53,657
Watch your mouth,
and help me with the sale.
1947
01:29:53,741 --> 01:29:56,410
Okay, see,
now you found yourself
a nigger.
1948
01:29:56,493 --> 01:29:59,330
You were looking for a nigger?
Nigger here now. See?
1949
01:29:59,413 --> 01:30:02,708
Today's forecast:
Dark and cloudy,
and chance of drive-by.
1950
01:30:02,916 --> 01:30:04,877
You want to go?
I suggest you move back.
1951
01:30:04,960 --> 01:30:06,587
Then, nig, fire on.
1952
01:30:06,670 --> 01:30:07,963
What are we gonna do?
1953
01:30:08,505 --> 01:30:11,258
What are you gonna do,
Mr. Floor Manager?
1954
01:30:12,676 --> 01:30:13,886
Go, get them, tiger.
1955
01:30:13,969 --> 01:30:15,638
This shit just got rigged.
1956
01:30:15,721 --> 01:30:17,598
What are you gonna do, bitch?
I'll tell you what.
1957
01:30:17,681 --> 01:30:19,600
You know Luca Perry
from 20th and 25th?
1958
01:30:19,683 --> 01:30:21,477
You ever heard of,
Rolling 20s, nigger?
1959
01:30:21,560 --> 01:30:23,896
Since I was 16, nigger,
I'm saying "frosty. "
1960
01:30:23,979 --> 01:30:25,648
You know what I'm saying,
"spoon", nigger.
1961
01:30:25,731 --> 01:30:27,358
We fucked dwarfs in the ass.
1962
01:30:27,441 --> 01:30:29,401
Nigger, this dwarf here
don't got to be tall...
1963
01:30:29,443 --> 01:30:31,236
to pull the trigger off
in somebody face!
1964
01:30:31,320 --> 01:30:33,572
Come on nigger, back up.
What's up?
Hey...
1965
01:30:33,614 --> 01:30:34,865
Welcome to Smart Tech.
1966
01:30:34,907 --> 01:30:36,325
Is this your boy?
What can I help you with?
1967
01:30:36,408 --> 01:30:38,077
Yeah, nigger,
we will both mash you!
1968
01:30:38,160 --> 01:30:39,870
How can we help you, sir?
Nigger, what?
1969
01:30:39,953 --> 01:30:42,331
No, he don't need no help.
He's already been served.
1970
01:30:42,414 --> 01:30:45,250
I served him. He's taken
care of. He's a little slow,
but he got it.
1971
01:30:45,334 --> 01:30:48,045
See, what he thought was
he can come up in here
and make the rules.
1972
01:30:48,087 --> 01:30:50,506
But now he see that
Jay make the moves
at Smart Tech...
1973
01:30:50,589 --> 01:30:53,425
that I run this, bitch
and now he bought the bounce.
1974
01:30:54,802 --> 01:30:55,970
This your boy?
1975
01:30:56,095 --> 01:30:58,639
Yeah, that's my boy.
We represent Smart Tech.
1976
01:30:58,722 --> 01:31:00,182
You just got
fucked up with him.
1977
01:31:00,265 --> 01:31:02,768
Both y'all niggers going
get clapped up
when I get back.
1978
01:31:03,811 --> 01:31:05,062
Both of you all niggers.
1979
01:31:05,145 --> 01:31:07,272
What did I do?
It don't fucking matter!
1980
01:31:07,523 --> 01:31:10,734
Yeah, aim high, Willis.
Aim high!
1981
01:31:10,776 --> 01:31:12,277
Please don't do this.
1982
01:31:13,112 --> 01:31:15,072
Jay, what's going on?
1983
01:31:17,282 --> 01:31:18,575
Jill broke up with me.
1984
01:31:18,659 --> 01:31:21,161
I'm so sorry.
What happened?
1985
01:31:21,412 --> 01:31:23,497
I came home a little tipsy.
1986
01:31:23,789 --> 01:31:26,166
And I had one of my condoms
on still.
1987
01:31:28,210 --> 01:31:31,463
Woke up the next morning
and jumped in the shower
with her.
1988
01:31:32,131 --> 01:31:34,174
I don't know
what I was thinking.
1989
01:31:34,258 --> 01:31:35,384
Why did you cheat on her?
1990
01:31:35,426 --> 01:31:37,761
Because I'm insecure!
You can't tell?
1991
01:31:37,803 --> 01:31:40,222
I know, man.
It's gonna be okay.
1992
01:31:40,264 --> 01:31:42,391
I'm cold.
It's gonna be all right, man.
1993
01:31:42,474 --> 01:31:44,101
Seriously, man, I'm sorry.
1994
01:31:44,435 --> 01:31:46,145
I apologize to you. I know.
1995
01:31:46,228 --> 01:31:48,063
If you wanna have
a meaningful relationship...
1996
01:31:48,105 --> 01:31:50,357
you've got to leave the sex
out of it, man. You're right.
1997
01:31:50,441 --> 01:31:51,608
It's all right. You're good.
1998
01:31:51,692 --> 01:31:53,527
I'm sorry. Come here.
I love you, man.
1999
01:31:53,610 --> 01:31:55,070
Man, I love you, too.
2000
01:31:56,280 --> 01:31:57,948
You're a good guy.
2001
01:32:00,117 --> 01:32:02,536
Do you know how I know
you guys are gay?
2002
01:32:02,619 --> 01:32:05,039
You're holding each other
ever so gently.
2003
01:32:05,122 --> 01:32:06,081
Cabr�n.
2004
01:32:06,874 --> 01:32:08,959
[Whooping]
2005
01:32:11,295 --> 01:32:12,546
[Exclaiming]
2006
01:32:12,630 --> 01:32:13,714
(Trish)
Bravo.
2007
01:32:14,173 --> 01:32:15,758
At least he can cook, Mom.
2008
01:32:16,133 --> 01:32:19,887
##[Believe It Or Not
(The Greatest American Hero
theme) playing]
2009
01:32:19,970 --> 01:32:22,598
I love... Spiderman.
2010
01:32:26,977 --> 01:32:28,062
[Whooping]
2011
01:32:35,861 --> 01:32:38,113
Pull out slowly
and go straight ahead.
2012
01:32:38,238 --> 01:32:39,239
[Screaming]
2013
01:32:59,301 --> 01:33:00,761
##[Humming]
2014
01:33:01,804 --> 01:33:02,930
[Exclaims]
2015
01:33:06,725 --> 01:33:07,893
I'm all right.
2016
01:33:08,394 --> 01:33:09,520
Nobody's there.
2017
01:33:09,687 --> 01:33:11,939
(Trish)
I want to know
everything about you.
2018
01:33:12,022 --> 01:33:13,107
I want to tell you.
2019
01:33:13,148 --> 01:33:14,191
You do?
Yeah.
2020
01:33:14,274 --> 01:33:17,111
Like, what do you want to do?
What are your dreams?
2021
01:33:17,486 --> 01:33:20,447
You don't wanna work
at Smart Tech
for the rest of your life.
2022
01:33:21,073 --> 01:33:23,158
I've been working there
for a long time.
2023
01:33:23,242 --> 01:33:26,954
And I've been thinking lately
that maybe I should
open my own store.
2024
01:33:27,204 --> 01:33:28,288
Really?
Yeah.
2025
01:33:28,330 --> 01:33:31,792
What kind of store?
Well, like a stereo store.
2026
01:33:31,834 --> 01:33:34,211
Oh, my God, that is...
Why don't you do that?
2027
01:33:34,295 --> 01:33:35,963
I don't have enough money
to do that.
2028
01:33:36,005 --> 01:33:37,506
What about those collectibles?
2029
01:33:37,548 --> 01:33:39,800
I bet if you sold those,
you could make a lot of money.
2030
01:33:39,883 --> 01:33:43,721
I just sold a guy's G. I. Joe
for $1,000.
2031
01:33:44,054 --> 01:33:45,556
Really?
Do you have any of those?
2032
01:33:45,639 --> 01:33:46,765
Yeah.
You do?
2033
01:33:46,849 --> 01:33:47,891
I have 47 of them.
2034
01:33:47,975 --> 01:33:49,143
No, you don't.
2035
01:33:49,226 --> 01:33:51,228
Yeah, in their
original boxes.
You do?
2036
01:33:51,312 --> 01:33:53,397
I could help you
sell them on eBay.
2037
01:33:53,480 --> 01:33:56,567
I would not take a commission,
I swear to God.
2038
01:33:56,650 --> 01:33:59,695
You could do it.
You could totally pull it off.
2039
01:34:01,155 --> 01:34:03,198
Yeah, let's do it.
Let's do it.
2040
01:34:21,342 --> 01:34:22,551
Aquaman.
2041
01:34:23,010 --> 01:34:24,094
Here.
2042
01:34:24,553 --> 01:34:25,929
Clothes on.
2043
01:34:27,723 --> 01:34:29,642
I'll send you off to...
2044
01:34:30,684 --> 01:34:33,646
a farm with lots of land.
2045
01:34:33,687 --> 01:34:36,482
So, you and other Aquamen
can run around...
2046
01:34:37,608 --> 01:34:40,069
and play in the Aquafields.
2047
01:34:50,287 --> 01:34:52,289
Godspeed, Col. Steve Austin.
2048
01:34:54,750 --> 01:34:57,169
You don't wanna go, do you?
Okay, you can stay.
2049
01:34:57,252 --> 01:34:59,129
Steve Austin can stay.
2050
01:35:03,092 --> 01:35:04,593
Hey, Cal. David.
2051
01:35:04,802 --> 01:35:07,012
Way to sell a big TV.
2052
01:35:07,054 --> 01:35:08,597
She likes you, man.
2053
01:35:08,806 --> 01:35:10,808
Too bad I retired my penis.
2054
01:35:11,100 --> 01:35:14,311
Mooj, we try to be fair with
the schedule but it's hard.
2055
01:35:14,478 --> 01:35:17,982
Okay, but why every
damn schedule comes up,
I get most early shift?
2056
01:35:18,065 --> 01:35:20,943
It's bullshit.
Nobody buys stereo
at 10:00 in the morning.
2057
01:35:21,026 --> 01:35:22,069
No, I understand.
2058
01:35:22,152 --> 01:35:25,072
People buy stereo
between 6:00 and 8:00.
2059
01:35:25,155 --> 01:35:26,156
Mmm-hmm.
2060
01:35:26,198 --> 01:35:29,660
Rich men get off work,
then buy stereo.
2061
01:35:29,743 --> 01:35:32,287
Right.
Not after fucking brunch.
2062
01:35:32,371 --> 01:35:33,998
Okay.
Here's what we're gonna do.
2063
01:35:34,039 --> 01:35:36,667
I'm going to give you
a couple of Jay's shifts.
2064
01:35:36,750 --> 01:35:39,378
And then I'll give you
a couple of mine
and that way...
2065
01:35:39,461 --> 01:35:42,631
we'll all be equal, okay.
Thank you, Andy.
2066
01:35:42,923 --> 01:35:44,049
It's okay.
2067
01:35:44,466 --> 01:35:46,010
You're a good man, Andy.
2068
01:35:48,220 --> 01:35:51,098
By the way,
what date are you on, now?
2069
01:35:51,515 --> 01:35:54,101
I think it's around 17.
2070
01:35:54,184 --> 01:35:56,937
It's hard to tell what
actually constitutes a date,
though.
2071
01:35:57,021 --> 01:36:00,858
Three to go. So that means
you're gonna have
sex in three days.
2072
01:36:01,567 --> 01:36:03,986
Maybe, I might try
to space them out
a little bit.
2073
01:36:04,069 --> 01:36:06,572
I'll pray for your cock.
Okay, thanks.
2074
01:36:06,780 --> 01:36:08,866
Thanks. Thank you.
Have a good cocky.
2075
01:36:09,033 --> 01:36:11,618
Trish is on the phone.
Here is a shock.
2076
01:36:11,702 --> 01:36:13,662
Girlfriend with a problem.
Hello.
2077
01:36:13,912 --> 01:36:16,165
(Marla)
I have done everything
but sex!
2078
01:36:16,206 --> 01:36:18,709
I'm a woman, okay?
Deal with it!
2079
01:36:18,751 --> 01:36:20,836
I'm gonna start
taking you back to church.
2080
01:36:20,919 --> 01:36:22,880
We are gonna start
going to church.
2081
01:36:22,963 --> 01:36:24,465
Hello?
(Marla)
You know what?
2082
01:36:24,548 --> 01:36:25,883
What the hell
are you talking about?
2083
01:36:25,924 --> 01:36:28,594
Oh, my God,
I cannot believe this.
Thank God you're here.
2084
01:36:28,677 --> 01:36:31,639
Jesus Christ.
Marla locked herself
in the bathroom.
2085
01:36:31,722 --> 01:36:32,681
What happened?
2086
01:36:32,765 --> 01:36:34,558
She wants to go
to the family health clinic.
2087
01:36:34,642 --> 01:36:36,685
She wants birth control.
But she's too young.
2088
01:36:36,727 --> 01:36:39,938
I want to have sex
with my boyfriend!
But I can't, Mom!
2089
01:36:40,022 --> 01:36:41,273
So, you want me
to take her?
2090
01:36:41,357 --> 01:36:43,442
No, I don't want you
to take her.
Okay, all right.
2091
01:36:43,525 --> 01:36:46,362
I want her to keep it
in her pants
until she gets to college.
2092
01:36:46,403 --> 01:36:47,488
Whoa, whoa, whoa!
2093
01:36:47,571 --> 01:36:48,822
"Keep it in my pants"?
2094
01:36:48,906 --> 01:36:51,533
Okay, you didn't keep it
in your pants, Mom.
2095
01:36:51,575 --> 01:36:55,037
I know. I don't want you
to make the same mistakes
as me, Marla.
2096
01:36:55,120 --> 01:36:58,165
Mistakes? Okay,
so I was a mistake then.
2097
01:36:58,248 --> 01:37:02,169
No, you're not a mistake.
Your sister was the mistake.
2098
01:37:02,878 --> 01:37:04,338
Oh, my God!
2099
01:37:04,755 --> 01:37:07,591
Her older sister, I mean,
she wasn't planned,
you know what I mean?
2100
01:37:07,675 --> 01:37:10,177
Because I was such a...
Oh, God, you wanna run away,
don't you?
2101
01:37:10,260 --> 01:37:11,345
No.
2102
01:37:11,428 --> 01:37:14,223
You and your boyfriend
have sex all the time!
2103
01:37:14,306 --> 01:37:16,058
Oh, my God!
Are you kidding?
2104
01:37:16,100 --> 01:37:17,935
We never have sex.
Do we ever have sex?
2105
01:37:18,018 --> 01:37:19,353
No, we don't.
2106
01:37:19,603 --> 01:37:21,438
What? Yes, you do!
2107
01:37:21,522 --> 01:37:24,191
You're such a liar!
Why do you lie to me?
2108
01:37:24,274 --> 01:37:25,275
Why?
2109
01:37:25,359 --> 01:37:26,443
[Door slamming]
2110
01:37:26,527 --> 01:37:27,987
[Muttering]
2111
01:37:28,862 --> 01:37:30,823
I didn't hear anything
after "a liar. "
2112
01:37:30,906 --> 01:37:33,742
What did she say
after "a liar"?
She sounds like a tea kettle.
2113
01:37:33,784 --> 01:37:35,703
Fuck you!
2114
01:37:35,786 --> 01:37:36,996
[Crying]
2115
01:37:37,997 --> 01:37:40,499
Maybe I should take her.
No, I don't think so.
2116
01:37:40,582 --> 01:37:43,002
You know, a little information
never hurt anybody.
2117
01:37:57,057 --> 01:37:58,100
Cool.
2118
01:37:59,184 --> 01:38:00,227
Wow!
2119
01:38:02,730 --> 01:38:04,815
Where do you put the penis?
2120
01:38:05,733 --> 01:38:07,067
Oh, shit.
2121
01:38:17,453 --> 01:38:19,121
It is...
2122
01:38:19,955 --> 01:38:21,582
not a Rubik's Cube.
2123
01:38:24,251 --> 01:38:25,210
Shit.
2124
01:38:26,962 --> 01:38:29,089
God, how much longer
are they gonna make us wait?
2125
01:38:29,131 --> 01:38:31,675
[Exclaims]
I don't know. They should be
out in a second.
2126
01:38:32,134 --> 01:38:33,177
Now, you're all here...
2127
01:38:33,260 --> 01:38:35,638
because you're interested
in obtaining birth control.
2128
01:38:35,721 --> 01:38:36,972
Any questions?
2129
01:38:37,598 --> 01:38:39,933
Here's a cute story.
I came home the other day...
2130
01:38:39,975 --> 01:38:42,978
and he is with his girlfriend
in my marital bed...
2131
01:38:43,062 --> 01:38:45,981
doing things that are illegal
in Alabama.
2132
01:38:46,106 --> 01:38:49,443
Sex acts, right?
Things that my wife won't do,
okay?
2133
01:38:49,860 --> 01:38:52,696
Did you have a question?
How do I get my wife
to do that?
2134
01:38:52,780 --> 01:38:54,198
Does anybody else
have a question?
2135
01:38:54,281 --> 01:38:57,618
My daughter is,
for lack of a better word...
2136
01:38:57,993 --> 01:38:59,078
dumb.
2137
01:38:59,370 --> 01:39:01,580
How do I stop
her menstrual cycle?
2138
01:39:01,622 --> 01:39:03,916
You want her to stop
having a menstrual cycle?
2139
01:39:03,957 --> 01:39:06,585
I want to stop it,
maybe just for a few years.
2140
01:39:06,669 --> 01:39:08,921
Yeah, I don't think
that's a good idea.
2141
01:39:08,963 --> 01:39:12,091
Does anybody else
have a question?
I have a question.
2142
01:39:12,132 --> 01:39:15,970
I think some of the people
here might be
sexually inexperienced.
2143
01:39:16,595 --> 01:39:19,640
Is it true that if you
don't use it, you lose it?
2144
01:39:20,015 --> 01:39:21,642
Is that a serious question?
2145
01:39:21,725 --> 01:39:23,352
No. It wasn't.
(Judith)
Okay.
2146
01:39:23,978 --> 01:39:27,606
Now, there are a lot
of activities that you can
engage in...
2147
01:39:27,648 --> 01:39:30,484
without having sex
that are both fun and safe.
2148
01:39:30,567 --> 01:39:32,653
What sort of activities?
I think...
2149
01:39:32,736 --> 01:39:34,947
everybody wants to know
about the activities.
2150
01:39:35,030 --> 01:39:39,576
Well,
instead of having intercourse,
you could have outer-course.
2151
01:39:40,077 --> 01:39:42,204
Outer-course?
What's that?
2152
01:39:42,329 --> 01:39:43,664
Yeah, what is that?
2153
01:39:43,747 --> 01:39:47,876
Outer-course is anything
that isn't vaginal
intercourse.
2154
01:39:48,168 --> 01:39:50,170
I prefer
vaginal intercourse.
2155
01:39:50,337 --> 01:39:51,630
[Chuckling]
2156
01:39:51,839 --> 01:39:53,132
He really does.
2157
01:39:53,465 --> 01:39:57,052
Now, there are ways
of having sex
without intercourse.
2158
01:39:58,178 --> 01:40:01,598
Let's see, there are things
like body rubbing
or dry humping.
2159
01:40:01,640 --> 01:40:02,975
You could dry hump.
2160
01:40:03,058 --> 01:40:06,186
There is masturbation.
Masturbation.
Play with yourself.
2161
01:40:06,270 --> 01:40:08,272
Mutual masturbation.
Play with a friend.
2162
01:40:08,355 --> 01:40:11,942
Deep kissing.
There is erotic massage.
2163
01:40:12,026 --> 01:40:13,902
That sounds like
it would be nice.
2164
01:40:13,986 --> 01:40:16,572
Oral sex play.
Sounds like my Friday night.
2165
01:40:16,655 --> 01:40:18,532
Shut up, Seth.
We went to temple.
2166
01:40:18,615 --> 01:40:20,409
Okay,
are there any virgins here...
2167
01:40:20,492 --> 01:40:23,162
who are thinking about
having sex for the first time?
2168
01:40:24,455 --> 01:40:25,456
Oh.
2169
01:40:25,873 --> 01:40:28,000
Wait. So you're
a virgin?
2170
01:40:28,334 --> 01:40:29,293
[Snickers]
2171
01:40:30,586 --> 01:40:33,464
I'd tap that.
Oh, yeah, you'd "tap that"?
2172
01:40:33,505 --> 01:40:36,508
Seth, what, you think
you're cool
with your little Jew fro?
2173
01:40:36,550 --> 01:40:39,803
We don't say, "tap that. "
What are you talking about,
Seth?
2174
01:40:39,845 --> 01:40:42,139
You know what,
I'm a virgin, too.
2175
01:40:42,222 --> 01:40:43,766
[People laughing]
2176
01:40:44,183 --> 01:40:45,309
That's...
2177
01:40:45,392 --> 01:40:47,269
We're virgins, too.
Yeah.
2178
01:40:49,188 --> 01:40:52,191
No, you know what,
it's a personal choice...
2179
01:40:52,232 --> 01:40:53,776
and I don't think
it's weird at all.
2180
01:40:53,859 --> 01:40:55,110
You know what
your problem is?
2181
01:40:55,152 --> 01:40:56,904
You're putting the pussy
on a pedestal.
2182
01:40:56,987 --> 01:40:58,697
That's the second time
I've heard that.
2183
01:40:58,781 --> 01:41:00,699
What is the
"pussy on a pedestal" thing?
2184
01:41:00,783 --> 01:41:04,662
Okay, I can't listen
to anymore of this,
'cause it's making me sick.
2185
01:41:04,703 --> 01:41:05,704
So, bye.
2186
01:41:05,788 --> 01:41:07,956
You can get this information
on your website, right?
2187
01:41:07,998 --> 01:41:09,750
(Judith)
Yes.
Thanks.
Nice meeting everybody.
2188
01:41:09,833 --> 01:41:10,960
Any other questions?
2189
01:41:11,001 --> 01:41:12,962
Do you have any
extra-large condoms?
2190
01:41:13,003 --> 01:41:14,838
Seth, you got
a tiny penis.
2191
01:41:17,591 --> 01:41:18,592
[Sighing]
2192
01:41:18,968 --> 01:41:22,096
So, I made that all up
to help you out.
2193
01:41:24,181 --> 01:41:25,683
No, you didn't.
2194
01:41:25,933 --> 01:41:29,269
But thank you
for doing that.
2195
01:41:32,147 --> 01:41:33,774
How can you tell?
2196
01:41:33,941 --> 01:41:36,360
Well, you know, I go to school
with, like, 400 guys...
2197
01:41:36,443 --> 01:41:37,861
who are all trying
to have sex.
2198
01:41:37,945 --> 01:41:39,905
And, yeah,
so I can tell who's done it.
2199
01:41:39,989 --> 01:41:41,031
Of course.
2200
01:41:41,115 --> 01:41:44,034
And you really haven't?
No, I really haven't.
2201
01:41:44,535 --> 01:41:46,912
Please don't tell your mom,
okay?
2202
01:41:46,996 --> 01:41:48,706
Yeah, I won't.
Thanks.
2203
01:41:48,831 --> 01:41:52,001
But when are you
gonna tell her?
2204
01:41:52,209 --> 01:41:54,169
Believe me,
I'm working on it.
2205
01:41:55,546 --> 01:41:57,256
I am working on it.
2206
01:42:00,259 --> 01:42:01,510
Do you have any weed?
2207
01:42:03,470 --> 01:42:04,680
Yeah.
You do have some.
2208
01:42:04,763 --> 01:42:06,890
Can spare any
or is it all spoken for?
2209
01:42:07,599 --> 01:42:09,643
I mean, like what
are we talking? Are we...
2210
01:42:09,727 --> 01:42:12,187
Just enough to get me
baked for like a week.
2211
01:42:12,396 --> 01:42:13,480
That's a lot of weed.
2212
01:42:13,522 --> 01:42:15,482
Yeah, I am taking vacation
next week, so...
2213
01:42:15,524 --> 01:42:17,359
Where are you going?
I'm not going anywhere.
2214
01:42:17,443 --> 01:42:19,236
I'll stay in my apartment.
Just getting baked?
2215
01:42:19,320 --> 01:42:20,821
I want to be baked
the whole time.
2216
01:42:20,863 --> 01:42:23,240
Watch TV,
I'll probably re-watch Gandhi.
2217
01:42:23,866 --> 01:42:25,826
Gandhi baked is good.
Yes, isn't it?
2218
01:42:25,868 --> 01:42:27,494
I always feel bad
when I watch it baked...
2219
01:42:27,578 --> 01:42:29,538
'cause I get really hungry
and I'm eating a lot...
2220
01:42:29,580 --> 01:42:30,622
and poor Gandhi is...
2221
01:42:30,706 --> 01:42:32,416
fucking starving his ass off.
Starving, I know.
2222
01:42:32,499 --> 01:42:34,960
##[music playing on TV]
2223
01:42:36,045 --> 01:42:37,504
Sounds good.
Yeah.
2224
01:42:37,588 --> 01:42:40,341
I'm going to take her
to capacity.
Are you okay with that?
2225
01:42:40,382 --> 01:42:41,717
Give it a shot.
2226
01:42:41,800 --> 01:42:43,927
Freak! Oh, yeah!
2227
01:42:45,638 --> 01:42:48,265
Michael McDonald, man,
I haven't heard this in years.
2228
01:42:48,349 --> 01:42:50,476
Yeah, I haven't heard it
in like 48 minutes.
2229
01:42:51,226 --> 01:42:53,937
If I get the set,
will you throw in the DVD?
2230
01:42:54,021 --> 01:42:56,273
You don't get the set.
I'll throw in the DVD.
2231
01:42:56,774 --> 01:42:57,858
I'll take it.
2232
01:42:57,900 --> 01:42:59,693
Really?
Yeah.
2233
01:43:00,736 --> 01:43:02,905
Y'all want to see
something beautiful?
Come here.
2234
01:43:02,988 --> 01:43:06,158
You want to see the most
beautiful thing in the world?
Check this out.
2235
01:43:06,241 --> 01:43:09,953
This is my baby right here.
That's my baby's dick
right there.
2236
01:43:10,579 --> 01:43:12,331
Looks like a poltergeist.
2237
01:43:12,623 --> 01:43:13,916
That is his foot.
2238
01:43:13,999 --> 01:43:16,335
Look at his dick.
That's not even four months.
2239
01:43:16,377 --> 01:43:17,711
Extrapolate that.
2240
01:43:17,795 --> 01:43:20,172
By the time he's 30,
what's gonna happen?
2241
01:43:20,214 --> 01:43:22,549
Yo, Andy! Come check this out,
dawg.
2242
01:43:22,591 --> 01:43:25,177
Is this the movie about babies
that are geniuses?
2243
01:43:25,219 --> 01:43:27,721
No, this is my child, dude.
Jill is pregnant.
2244
01:43:27,805 --> 01:43:28,931
That's yours?
(Jay)
Yeah.
2245
01:43:29,014 --> 01:43:31,016
That's why she broke up
with me in the first place...
2246
01:43:31,100 --> 01:43:33,352
'cause she just thought
that I wouldn't be
a good father...
2247
01:43:33,394 --> 01:43:35,729
in light of the fact that
I'd be cheating on her
all the time.
2248
01:43:35,813 --> 01:43:37,523
But she got over all that.
It's cool now.
2249
01:43:37,564 --> 01:43:39,525
Congratulations, man.
That is great.
2250
01:43:39,775 --> 01:43:41,360
We having
a party tonight, Andy...
2251
01:43:41,402 --> 01:43:42,987
and I really want you
to be there, man.
2252
01:43:43,070 --> 01:43:45,531
We celebrating and I
really, really want you
to be there.
2253
01:43:45,614 --> 01:43:48,117
It looks like
the Doppler radar.
2254
01:43:48,200 --> 01:43:49,243
Can you believe that?
2255
01:43:49,326 --> 01:43:50,953
This child
ain't even four months old.
2256
01:43:51,036 --> 01:43:53,288
He ain't four months old yet.
Look at what he's packing.
2257
01:43:53,372 --> 01:43:55,874
Everybody dick looks big
on 60-inch TV.
2258
01:43:55,958 --> 01:43:58,544
My sister's dick looks big
on TV, okay?
2259
01:43:59,503 --> 01:44:02,172
Oh, my God,
this guy, Eric Gilliland...
2260
01:44:02,631 --> 01:44:05,217
he has bought, like,
15 of these.
Really?
2261
01:44:05,301 --> 01:44:08,262
Yeah, I think he likes
action figures even more
than you.
2262
01:44:08,345 --> 01:44:10,848
That is impossible.
I think so.
2263
01:44:11,765 --> 01:44:15,060
Andy, the way these things
are flying off your shelf...
2264
01:44:15,102 --> 01:44:18,105
you know, I think you
could actually make like...
2265
01:44:18,605 --> 01:44:20,149
maybe like $100,000.
2266
01:44:20,232 --> 01:44:22,401
Really?
Yeah,
you could open your store.
2267
01:44:22,443 --> 01:44:23,861
Wow.
Honey...
2268
01:44:23,986 --> 01:44:26,155
That's a lot of money.
I know.
2269
01:44:26,238 --> 01:44:28,907
That's incredible.
I wouldn't have done it
without you.
2270
01:44:28,949 --> 01:44:30,159
Thanks.
2271
01:44:30,826 --> 01:44:33,620
And that's not the only
good news.
What?
2272
01:44:34,079 --> 01:44:37,041
You know what tonight is?
Survivor is on?
2273
01:44:38,334 --> 01:44:39,877
No.
I know.
2274
01:44:40,461 --> 01:44:43,047
Is it The Apprentice?
2275
01:44:43,964 --> 01:44:44,965
No.
2276
01:44:45,758 --> 01:44:46,842
What?
2277
01:44:49,553 --> 01:44:53,891
It's our 20th date.
2278
01:45:00,439 --> 01:45:01,857
Wow.
Yeah.
2279
01:45:01,940 --> 01:45:03,275
Really?
Uh-huh.
2280
01:45:03,317 --> 01:45:06,612
Seriously?
I think we're at 18.
2281
01:45:06,695 --> 01:45:08,405
'Cause there were
a couple of dates there...
2282
01:45:08,489 --> 01:45:10,366
that don't really count
as dates.
No.
2283
01:45:10,449 --> 01:45:13,077
I'll give you a free pass
on those other ones.
2284
01:45:14,119 --> 01:45:15,287
Thank you.
2285
01:45:15,371 --> 01:45:16,497
Listen.
What?
2286
01:45:16,580 --> 01:45:17,790
Listen.
Mmm-hmm.
2287
01:45:19,291 --> 01:45:20,918
I really like you.
2288
01:45:26,924 --> 01:45:28,717
I think I'm falling for you.
2289
01:45:29,551 --> 01:45:33,305
I don't know. I kind of see
this going somewhere.
2290
01:45:33,639 --> 01:45:34,848
I do, too.
2291
01:45:34,974 --> 01:45:38,143
I just think we should just
go crazy on each other.
2292
01:45:39,395 --> 01:45:41,397
Okay.
Okay?
2293
01:45:42,272 --> 01:45:43,524
Oh, thank God!
2294
01:45:46,318 --> 01:45:47,319
Oh!
2295
01:45:47,987 --> 01:45:50,447
Okay, I should...
I gotta pick those up.
2296
01:45:50,489 --> 01:45:51,615
Don't pick them up now.
2297
01:45:51,699 --> 01:45:53,033
No, I have to pick those up
right now.
2298
01:45:53,117 --> 01:45:55,202
Wait, we'll get them later.
Listen, no, I can't, no.
2299
01:45:55,285 --> 01:45:56,912
Listen, it's really important
because...
2300
01:45:56,954 --> 01:45:59,248
once the integrity of the box
gets compromised...
2301
01:45:59,290 --> 01:46:01,625
This is original packaging
and that's why these things...
2302
01:46:01,667 --> 01:46:03,836
are so valuable.
So you don't screw with that.
2303
01:46:03,919 --> 01:46:05,921
You really don't screw
with that.
All right.
2304
01:46:05,963 --> 01:46:08,048
We can wrap them again later,
you know.
2305
01:46:08,132 --> 01:46:09,466
Yeah, I know.
But you know what...
2306
01:46:09,550 --> 01:46:11,677
this is very important
that we don't lose
the value...
2307
01:46:11,760 --> 01:46:13,095
and compromise
the integrity of it.
2308
01:46:13,137 --> 01:46:15,389
Andy, I'm throwing myself
at you and...
2309
01:46:15,472 --> 01:46:17,474
all you can think about
is a fucking toy.
2310
01:46:17,558 --> 01:46:20,644
They're not fucking toys!
This is Iron Man, okay?
2311
01:46:20,728 --> 01:46:23,147
I got this
when I was in second grade.
2312
01:46:23,355 --> 01:46:26,066
Do you know how hard it is
for a kid to not open that?
2313
01:46:26,150 --> 01:46:27,359
This is important.
2314
01:46:27,443 --> 01:46:28,736
These are my things...
2315
01:46:28,819 --> 01:46:32,114
and you are trying to make me
sell them and I don't want to.
2316
01:46:32,156 --> 01:46:33,490
No.
And you're making me.
2317
01:46:33,574 --> 01:46:35,701
I'm not making...
You are encouraging me...
2318
01:46:35,784 --> 01:46:37,911
to quit my job.
I'm not! I'm not trying to...
2319
01:46:37,995 --> 01:46:40,706
You want me to open a store.
You want me
to sell everything.
2320
01:46:40,789 --> 01:46:42,541
You know what,
I'm gonna tell you something.
2321
01:46:42,625 --> 01:46:45,753
I don't just change like that.
I can't just change for you.
2322
01:46:45,836 --> 01:46:48,714
I don't... I'm not trying
to change you. I like you.
2323
01:46:48,797 --> 01:46:50,924
I'm just... I'm trying
to help you grow up, Andy.
2324
01:46:51,008 --> 01:46:52,635
Well, thanks a lot.
2325
01:46:52,718 --> 01:46:56,764
I mean, my God,
you ride a bicycle
to work in a stockroom.
2326
01:46:56,847 --> 01:46:59,141
You know what, I'm not
in the stockroom anymore.
2327
01:46:59,224 --> 01:47:00,726
I'm a floor manager.
Okay.
2328
01:47:00,809 --> 01:47:03,812
And I ride a bike
because I like to.
Einstein rode a bike.
2329
01:47:03,896 --> 01:47:06,607
He had a wife who he fucked,
by the way.
2330
01:47:07,274 --> 01:47:09,568
What do I have to do
for you to have sex with me?
2331
01:47:09,652 --> 01:47:12,112
Do you want me to dress up
like Thor?
I'll dress up like Thor.
2332
01:47:12,196 --> 01:47:13,781
I'll dress up like Iron Man.
2333
01:47:13,864 --> 01:47:15,616
What do they do?
I'll do it.
2334
01:47:15,658 --> 01:47:17,534
What? Everything's always
about sex.
2335
01:47:17,618 --> 01:47:19,203
Why don't you want
to have sex with me?
2336
01:47:19,286 --> 01:47:21,747
Why not? Tell me.
You tell me the truth.
2337
01:47:21,830 --> 01:47:23,999
Is it because I have a kid
who has a kid? Is that why?
2338
01:47:24,083 --> 01:47:25,626
No, it's cool that
you're a grandmother.
2339
01:47:25,668 --> 01:47:27,294
I love the fact
that you're a grandmother.
2340
01:47:27,378 --> 01:47:29,964
Oh, God!
You are.
You're a hot grandma.
2341
01:47:30,005 --> 01:47:31,173
Oh, my God!
2342
01:47:31,256 --> 01:47:33,342
You are so mean! Get out!
2343
01:47:33,425 --> 01:47:36,136
Okay, fine. Good!
Good, fine. You're gonna go.
2344
01:47:36,220 --> 01:47:39,598
I didn't ask for any of this.
You asked for all of it, Andy.
2345
01:47:40,015 --> 01:47:41,392
Okay. Great.
2346
01:47:43,060 --> 01:47:44,269
[Door slamming]
2347
01:47:44,478 --> 01:47:45,437
Okay.
2348
01:47:45,854 --> 01:47:47,439
That's the way
you want it...
2349
01:47:47,523 --> 01:47:50,442
that's the way
homie's gonna play it.
2350
01:47:51,527 --> 01:47:53,195
Yeah. Truth be told.
2351
01:48:02,746 --> 01:48:04,415
[Car horn blaring]
2352
01:48:07,293 --> 01:48:09,628
##[Hip-hop music playing]
2353
01:48:10,671 --> 01:48:12,798
Baby, you better
enjoy yourself tonight...
2354
01:48:12,881 --> 01:48:15,217
'cause once this baby's born,
you ain't going out again...
2355
01:48:15,301 --> 01:48:16,302
till that baby is in college.
2356
01:48:16,385 --> 01:48:17,636
Me?
Yeah.
2357
01:48:17,678 --> 01:48:20,055
You the club rat. I'm not
the one that be going out.
2358
01:48:20,139 --> 01:48:21,890
I'm not a club rat.
2359
01:48:21,974 --> 01:48:24,685
You're gonna get up,
you march over there...
2360
01:48:24,768 --> 01:48:27,313
and I want you
to hit on Bernadette now.
2361
01:48:27,521 --> 01:48:29,565
Dude, I'm not gonna hit
on Bernadette.
2362
01:48:29,648 --> 01:48:30,774
Yes, you are, man...
2363
01:48:30,858 --> 01:48:33,444
'cause your depression
is boring me for one thing...
2364
01:48:33,527 --> 01:48:35,487
and it's actually making me
a little depressed...
2365
01:48:35,529 --> 01:48:37,531
which is then in turn
making me more depressed...
2366
01:48:37,573 --> 01:48:39,325
that you're actually
affecting my mood.
2367
01:48:39,408 --> 01:48:42,786
Look,
I'm not in any kind of place
to talk to a woman, all right?
2368
01:48:42,870 --> 01:48:44,997
I'm just... I'm fragile.
2369
01:48:45,164 --> 01:48:47,041
I hired her for you.
2370
01:48:47,082 --> 01:48:50,669
I hired a 90-pound girl
to work in the stockroom
at Smart Tech...
2371
01:48:50,753 --> 01:48:52,338
for you, okay?
2372
01:48:52,379 --> 01:48:53,922
I should have hired
a 300-pound guy...
2373
01:48:54,006 --> 01:48:55,591
who could lift
a 60-inch flat screen.
2374
01:48:55,674 --> 01:48:58,135
But instead
I hired a hot girl...
2375
01:48:58,218 --> 01:49:01,597
who can't lift an iPod
to bring you out of your funk.
2376
01:49:02,389 --> 01:49:03,932
You hired her for me?
Yes.
2377
01:49:04,016 --> 01:49:05,434
So will you go talk to her?
2378
01:49:05,517 --> 01:49:07,311
Yeah, I'm meeting somebody.
2379
01:49:07,478 --> 01:49:08,479
No.
2380
01:49:12,107 --> 01:49:14,234
Did you just flick me
in the nuts?
No.
2381
01:49:14,318 --> 01:49:17,321
Flicked you
in the fleshy patch
where your nuts used to be.
2382
01:49:17,446 --> 01:49:18,447
[Groans]
2383
01:49:18,530 --> 01:49:20,324
Quit flicking my balls, man.
2384
01:49:20,407 --> 01:49:22,910
Okay, I'll stop
flicking your balls.
2385
01:49:23,035 --> 01:49:25,412
But I'll start punching
your nuts.
2386
01:49:26,372 --> 01:49:27,331
Oh!
2387
01:49:28,040 --> 01:49:29,166
Okay.
2388
01:49:32,878 --> 01:49:34,380
Well played, sir.
2389
01:49:34,713 --> 01:49:35,881
Okay.
Thank you.
2390
01:49:35,965 --> 01:49:38,092
No problem, man.
Go get 'em.
2391
01:49:38,717 --> 01:49:40,427
Mooj, you done
see my son...
2392
01:49:40,511 --> 01:49:42,179
you know his foot gonna be
bigger than this.
2393
01:49:42,221 --> 01:49:45,474
If that baby looks Pakistani,
don't fucking look at me,
okay?
2394
01:49:45,557 --> 01:49:49,103
I wouldn't mind.
You got good genes.
How old are you? What, 138?
2395
01:49:49,186 --> 01:49:52,106
When your son is born,
is he already in parole?
2396
01:50:00,447 --> 01:50:03,826
I need some poon.
2397
01:50:04,159 --> 01:50:07,162
You guys were so right,
right from the beginning.
2398
01:50:07,454 --> 01:50:12,126
I need
genital to genital connection
and that's all I need.
2399
01:50:12,584 --> 01:50:16,130
You know, the thing
about relationships
is that they...
2400
01:50:16,338 --> 01:50:18,048
make one person go...
2401
01:50:18,132 --> 01:50:19,550
[gibbering]
2402
01:50:19,633 --> 01:50:21,885
And the other person go,
"What are you talking about?"
2403
01:50:21,927 --> 01:50:23,178
And then one person goes...
2404
01:50:23,220 --> 01:50:24,722
[gibbering]
2405
01:50:24,763 --> 01:50:26,390
How much have you had
to drink, man?
2406
01:50:26,473 --> 01:50:29,977
How much have I had to drink?
How many pots have you smoken?
2407
01:50:30,060 --> 01:50:31,228
What are you
talking about?
2408
01:50:31,270 --> 01:50:34,565
How many times have you gone
to the bathroom in your life?
2409
01:50:34,606 --> 01:50:35,816
Let me ask you that.
2410
01:50:35,899 --> 01:50:38,861
You know what, you don't have
an answer for that, do you?
2411
01:50:38,944 --> 01:50:40,529
Fuck you, man! I'm sorry.
2412
01:50:40,612 --> 01:50:43,824
No, you're such a good guy,
and I appreciate you.
2413
01:50:43,907 --> 01:50:45,868
What's up, baby, I didn't know
you had came already.
2414
01:50:45,951 --> 01:50:48,120
Hey, motherfucker!
2415
01:50:48,287 --> 01:50:49,747
[Both laughing]
2416
01:50:50,497 --> 01:50:52,583
Man, you know what,
tonight is the night.
2417
01:50:52,666 --> 01:50:57,379
You know what, you were
totally right and I was wrong.
2418
01:50:57,588 --> 01:51:02,092
You were right all along.
You cannot have
a relationship...
2419
01:51:02,259 --> 01:51:04,428
with somebody until...
2420
01:51:05,095 --> 01:51:07,514
you have sex
and that's the long...
2421
01:51:07,598 --> 01:51:09,350
That's the long
and short of it.
2422
01:51:09,433 --> 01:51:12,853
So, thank you.
That's good.
2423
01:51:13,228 --> 01:51:16,190
And now I have to go hunt
for some hos.
2424
01:51:16,315 --> 01:51:17,691
[Laughing]
2425
01:51:19,068 --> 01:51:22,363
He going to be all right?
No, I don't think he is.
2426
01:51:22,488 --> 01:51:24,823
Cal's a good guy.
Yeah, he's a great guy.
2427
01:51:24,907 --> 01:51:26,659
It's so funny, because,
you know...
2428
01:51:26,742 --> 01:51:29,536
when I first met him
and I thought you were
cute at the store...
2429
01:51:29,620 --> 01:51:32,581
he told me you were gay.
I'm not gay.
2430
01:51:32,957 --> 01:51:35,584
Cal says that I'm gay because
he has a real problem...
2431
01:51:35,668 --> 01:51:38,003
with his own gayness.
2432
01:51:38,087 --> 01:51:41,382
But seriously, I'm going
to lay it out for you,
right now.
2433
01:51:42,007 --> 01:51:44,343
I was a little reticent
to come over and talk to you.
2434
01:51:44,426 --> 01:51:47,262
You're very pretty
and you seem very nice.
The truth is...
2435
01:51:47,304 --> 01:51:50,933
I dated this woman,
let me rephrase that,
I dated this whore...
2436
01:51:51,517 --> 01:51:53,102
who stomped
all over my heart.
2437
01:51:53,185 --> 01:51:56,063
And it's just taking me
a little while to kind of...
2438
01:51:56,105 --> 01:51:57,731
you know,
get back in the game.
2439
01:51:57,815 --> 01:51:59,233
Oh, my God. Say no more.
2440
01:51:59,274 --> 01:52:01,902
My last boyfriend Sal junior,
is a scum bag.
2441
01:52:01,944 --> 01:52:04,196
I would totally pay people
to have him killed.
2442
01:52:04,279 --> 01:52:06,407
That's how much I fucking hate
that damn scum bag.
2443
01:52:06,490 --> 01:52:08,659
God, you're fucking awesome.
You too.
2444
01:52:10,452 --> 01:52:12,413
Hey, you!
2445
01:52:14,456 --> 01:52:16,208
Hey.
Hey.
2446
01:52:16,458 --> 01:52:18,002
How you doing?
2447
01:52:18,460 --> 01:52:21,005
Much better,
now that I'm talking to you.
2448
01:52:21,255 --> 01:52:23,841
Hey, lookie,
I can see through your shirt.
2449
01:52:24,633 --> 01:52:25,884
Nice.
2450
01:52:27,094 --> 01:52:29,763
So, you think we should...
2451
01:52:30,097 --> 01:52:32,683
take this party
to my apartment or what?
2452
01:52:33,183 --> 01:52:36,228
I am RSVPing "yes. "
2453
01:52:39,940 --> 01:52:43,110
Hope you have a big trunk
because I'm putting my bike
in it.
2454
01:52:45,946 --> 01:52:47,448
Yeah, let's go!
2455
01:52:52,620 --> 01:52:55,205
Mom, I left my phone somewhere
and I...
2456
01:52:55,956 --> 01:52:57,082
Thank you.
2457
01:52:58,417 --> 01:53:01,670
What's the matter?
Where is Andy?
2458
01:53:01,754 --> 01:53:04,715
We had a big fight, just...
Oh, Mom.
2459
01:53:05,257 --> 01:53:07,301
He just
stormed out of here.
2460
01:53:07,384 --> 01:53:08,469
What happened?
2461
01:53:08,552 --> 01:53:11,221
Well, I just...
Wait a minute,
I thought you hated him.
2462
01:53:11,305 --> 01:53:14,808
I don't hate him. I mean,
he does do magic, but...
2463
01:53:14,933 --> 01:53:17,311
you know, he's a big dork...
2464
01:53:17,686 --> 01:53:19,980
and I like seeing you happy.
2465
01:53:21,732 --> 01:53:22,858
I do.
2466
01:53:24,818 --> 01:53:27,279
That's sweet,
that's really sweet.
Mom.
2467
01:53:27,988 --> 01:53:30,949
Why don't you just go
talk to him, work it out.
2468
01:53:30,991 --> 01:53:33,827
'Cause if the thing is
that important,
you can't just stop.
2469
01:53:34,620 --> 01:53:36,789
Let me dance for you.
I would love it.
2470
01:53:36,872 --> 01:53:37,957
##[music playing on stereo]
2471
01:53:38,040 --> 01:53:41,877
Look at your bra and
your breasts and everything.
That's so great.
2472
01:53:42,878 --> 01:53:46,382
Wow! You know what?
You're so hot. You're so hot.
2473
01:53:46,674 --> 01:53:48,300
I'm smoking hot.
2474
01:53:48,384 --> 01:53:51,261
You know what? I'm just going
to have sex with you.
2475
01:53:51,345 --> 01:53:53,430
Yes! Let's have sex.
2476
01:53:53,514 --> 01:53:55,724
It's going to happen.
That's why we are here.
2477
01:53:55,808 --> 01:53:58,143
That's totally what's going
to happen.
2478
01:53:58,394 --> 01:54:00,521
We could do it in the...
2479
01:54:01,522 --> 01:54:03,232
Butt, if you want to.
2480
01:54:03,315 --> 01:54:04,483
[Both laughing]
2481
01:54:04,900 --> 01:54:06,819
But, if I want to what?
2482
01:54:07,319 --> 01:54:10,322
Butt.
But what? What?
2483
01:54:10,447 --> 01:54:12,449
Do it.
Do it?
2484
01:54:12,658 --> 01:54:13,617
What?
2485
01:54:14,159 --> 01:54:16,996
I don't know
what you're talking about.
2486
01:54:17,079 --> 01:54:19,123
Butt.
But...
2487
01:54:19,373 --> 01:54:20,708
What?
... what?
2488
01:54:23,711 --> 01:54:26,005
But, it still feels so right.
2489
01:54:34,888 --> 01:54:38,017
##[Scatting]
2490
01:54:38,851 --> 01:54:39,935
Yeah!
2491
01:54:41,061 --> 01:54:42,062
[Gasping]
2492
01:54:42,438 --> 01:54:46,275
Yeah. Right! Okay. Yeah.
2493
01:54:47,693 --> 01:54:49,445
That was a fun day.
2494
01:54:50,988 --> 01:54:54,074
You are so kinky.
2495
01:54:54,783 --> 01:54:56,493
Yeah, I'm so kinky.
2496
01:54:57,036 --> 01:55:00,289
That's why I did this
because I thought it looks...
2497
01:55:00,372 --> 01:55:02,833
You like to shave, don't you?
2498
01:55:02,916 --> 01:55:05,711
Let's shave each other.
I don't think
you have any hair.
2499
01:55:05,794 --> 01:55:07,630
You know where to shave me.
2500
01:55:07,713 --> 01:55:09,757
Yeah.
Because I want to shave you.
2501
01:55:09,840 --> 01:55:11,508
I want to shave your head.
2502
01:55:12,760 --> 01:55:14,637
I wanna give you
a buzz cut.
2503
01:55:15,638 --> 01:55:17,348
Let's get in the bath.
2504
01:55:17,681 --> 01:55:19,183
In the bath?
2505
01:55:19,266 --> 01:55:23,646
Yes. We're gonna get dirty.
Dirty, dirty. Sudsy.
2506
01:55:23,729 --> 01:55:25,773
It's just about time
I got really dirty.
2507
01:55:25,856 --> 01:55:26,899
Yeah.
2508
01:55:29,693 --> 01:55:34,490
Hey. Hi, it's me,
and I'm on my way
to your house.
2509
01:55:34,531 --> 01:55:36,867
I want to do whatever
you want to do, okay?
2510
01:55:37,034 --> 01:55:40,913
Fifty dates. 100.
I hope not, but whatever.
2511
01:55:41,538 --> 01:55:44,291
I'm gonna see you soon,
okay? Bye.
2512
01:55:45,709 --> 01:55:47,002
[Laughing]
2513
01:55:48,337 --> 01:55:51,256
Wow. Okay, well,
that was fast. Okay.
2514
01:55:52,675 --> 01:55:53,634
[Groans]
2515
01:55:53,717 --> 01:55:56,679
Wow! Holy shit!
2516
01:55:56,929 --> 01:55:59,515
Wow. This is just
the right thing to happen.
2517
01:56:00,015 --> 01:56:03,394
Yeah, yeah, yeah! Wow!
Almost got my penis.
2518
01:56:03,477 --> 01:56:04,895
Come to mama.
2519
01:56:06,480 --> 01:56:09,274
I'm gonna really take care
of you tonight.
2520
01:56:09,525 --> 01:56:12,027
You're never
gonna forget Beth.
2521
01:56:22,204 --> 01:56:24,206
I just want to please you.
2522
01:56:25,082 --> 01:56:26,667
What do you like?
2523
01:56:27,501 --> 01:56:30,587
I don't know.
What do you like?
2524
01:56:31,130 --> 01:56:33,215
Can I show you what I like?
2525
01:56:33,716 --> 01:56:34,842
Okay.
2526
01:56:48,480 --> 01:56:51,275
(Beth)
It's so hot in here.
2527
01:56:52,026 --> 01:56:54,403
I wanna introduce you
to my friend.
2528
01:56:58,741 --> 01:57:00,784
Your friend is so shiny.
2529
01:57:01,744 --> 01:57:04,747
This guy knows exactly
what I like.
2530
01:57:10,085 --> 01:57:11,837
Where's you friend going?
2531
01:57:13,672 --> 01:57:16,300
This is how I'm gonna
warm up for you.
2532
01:57:17,593 --> 01:57:21,388
That's always good to warm up.
You don't wanna
pull something.
2533
01:57:21,930 --> 01:57:23,223
[Moaning]
2534
01:57:33,734 --> 01:57:34,943
[Exclaims]
2535
01:57:39,073 --> 01:57:41,408
Wow, this is graphic.
2536
01:57:43,160 --> 01:57:44,954
[Laughing]
2537
01:57:55,255 --> 01:57:56,757
I can't do it.
2538
01:57:58,384 --> 01:58:01,053
God, what are you
doing here?
2539
01:58:01,095 --> 01:58:03,764
We came here because we were
concerned about you
and Trish...
2540
01:58:03,847 --> 01:58:05,975
and now I could not give
a fuck.
2541
01:58:06,058 --> 01:58:08,644
How did you even know
where she lives?
2542
01:58:08,769 --> 01:58:11,105
I hit it
like eight months back.
What?
2543
01:58:11,188 --> 01:58:13,899
Never gave her back the key,
man. You have no idea...
2544
01:58:13,983 --> 01:58:16,068
where this is going,
all right?
That girl is a freak.
2545
01:58:16,110 --> 01:58:19,571
(Beth)
Oh, it's happening!
It's happening! Andy!
2546
01:58:20,030 --> 01:58:21,240
You think?
2547
01:58:21,532 --> 01:58:23,742
We've been talking,
and look...
2548
01:58:24,201 --> 01:58:26,495
if you love Trish,
you can't do this.
2549
01:58:26,578 --> 01:58:29,581
Look, you guys,
I don't know
what I'm doing anymore.
2550
01:58:29,665 --> 01:58:32,251
I don't even know who I am.
All I know is...
2551
01:58:32,334 --> 01:58:35,879
that woman
scares the shit out of me...
2552
01:58:36,005 --> 01:58:38,257
and I just wanna go home,
okay?
2553
01:58:38,465 --> 01:58:40,759
Let's go.
We should all get out of here.
2554
01:58:40,801 --> 01:58:42,553
Okay.
We should all go.
2555
01:58:42,636 --> 01:58:44,013
It wasn't that good
for me.
2556
01:58:44,096 --> 01:58:45,973
We should totally
get out of here.
2557
01:58:46,056 --> 01:58:48,225
We should run away
from here.
2558
01:58:51,312 --> 01:58:53,105
[Beth moaning]
2559
01:58:54,732 --> 01:58:55,733
Hey.
2560
01:58:55,816 --> 01:58:57,067
[Beth laughing]
2561
01:58:57,276 --> 01:58:58,319
Cal.
2562
01:59:00,195 --> 01:59:01,030
[Car horns blaring]
2563
01:59:01,113 --> 01:59:02,781
Go around!
2564
01:59:03,699 --> 01:59:05,784
Come on,
just go around me!
2565
01:59:08,996 --> 01:59:10,664
Can't you hear me?
2566
01:59:18,172 --> 01:59:21,258
Hey, there. Hi, Trish.
2567
01:59:22,843 --> 01:59:25,387
Man, I'm really sorry
about tonight.
2568
01:59:25,471 --> 01:59:26,847
What's this?
2569
01:59:27,931 --> 01:59:29,600
Those are David's.
2570
01:59:31,644 --> 01:59:33,479
I think he has a problem.
2571
01:59:33,562 --> 01:59:36,065
These are David's?
He's into that.
2572
01:59:36,190 --> 01:59:39,652
David's Boner Jams '03?
2573
01:59:40,277 --> 01:59:42,279
Yeah, it's so sad.
2574
01:59:42,821 --> 01:59:45,783
He compiled all the best
boner scenes, I guess.
2575
01:59:46,742 --> 01:59:49,078
This isn't what it looks like,
okay?
2576
01:59:49,536 --> 01:59:52,623
What does this look like?
A vagina.
2577
01:59:53,666 --> 01:59:55,250
And what do you do
with this vagina?
2578
01:59:55,292 --> 01:59:58,295
To learn.
It's for medicinal purposes.
2579
01:59:58,379 --> 01:59:59,380
Ugh.
2580
01:59:59,463 --> 02:00:01,799
Hey, I'm sorry. God...
What's this?
2581
02:00:02,466 --> 02:00:05,427
This your date drug?
Your roofie?
2582
02:00:05,761 --> 02:00:07,262
It's a Mentos.
2583
02:00:07,972 --> 02:00:09,932
They're "The Freshmaker. "
2584
02:00:09,974 --> 02:00:11,392
Yeah, right.
2585
02:00:11,642 --> 02:00:13,602
What are you,
some kind of sex pervert?
2586
02:00:13,644 --> 02:00:15,020
Are you a deviant
or something?
2587
02:00:15,104 --> 02:00:17,773
No, I'm not a sexual deviant!
What is all this?
2588
02:00:17,856 --> 02:00:20,317
I haven't even tried
to have sex with you, so...
2589
02:00:20,401 --> 02:00:23,320
What are you trying to do?
What are you
buttering me up for?
2590
02:00:23,362 --> 02:00:24,488
Come on.
2591
02:00:24,571 --> 02:00:26,323
You're not gonna try
and kill me, are you?
2592
02:00:26,407 --> 02:00:29,076
Look, Trish.
You didn't get a new carpet.
2593
02:00:29,326 --> 02:00:32,663
I'm not trying to kill you.
I love you.
2594
02:00:33,038 --> 02:00:35,499
I love you.
Oh, God!
2595
02:00:35,749 --> 02:00:36,917
Trish.
2596
02:00:38,961 --> 02:00:43,173
##[Heat Of The Moment playing]
2597
02:00:45,509 --> 02:00:47,678
Trish. No!
2598
02:00:48,595 --> 02:00:51,098
No. Trish, stop.
2599
02:00:55,644 --> 02:00:56,937
Come on, Trish!
2600
02:01:00,357 --> 02:01:02,318
I need to talk to you!
2601
02:01:02,359 --> 02:01:03,444
No!
2602
02:01:05,612 --> 02:01:06,613
Damn it.
2603
02:01:32,723 --> 02:01:34,183
[Exclaiming]
2604
02:01:36,393 --> 02:01:37,394
[Groans]
2605
02:01:38,437 --> 02:01:39,813
Oh, my God!
2606
02:01:40,356 --> 02:01:41,649
[Car horn blaring]
2607
02:01:42,816 --> 02:01:45,694
Andy! Oh, my God!
2608
02:01:45,736 --> 02:01:47,112
Call 911.
2609
02:01:47,279 --> 02:01:49,198
Oh, my... Andy.
2610
02:01:50,032 --> 02:01:51,700
Oh, my God!
2611
02:01:51,784 --> 02:01:54,620
I'm gonna need a minute.
I'm in a lot of pain
right now.
2612
02:01:54,703 --> 02:01:56,330
Oh, my God.
Are you okay?
2613
02:01:56,413 --> 02:01:57,581
Not bad.
2614
02:01:57,665 --> 02:02:00,000
There were two sides
to that billboard.
2615
02:02:00,084 --> 02:02:02,002
And they both hurt equally.
2616
02:02:02,252 --> 02:02:04,880
Andy. Andy.
2617
02:02:05,422 --> 02:02:06,674
[Exhaling]
2618
02:02:07,007 --> 02:02:09,176
Are you okay?
I'm okay.
2619
02:02:09,635 --> 02:02:11,303
No, I'm not okay.
2620
02:02:12,596 --> 02:02:14,014
I'm a virgin.
2621
02:02:16,183 --> 02:02:17,351
A what?
2622
02:02:18,268 --> 02:02:20,646
I'm a virgin.
I always have been.
2623
02:02:22,022 --> 02:02:25,359
Andy, is that what
all this was about?
2624
02:02:26,360 --> 02:02:27,653
I'm sorry.
2625
02:02:27,736 --> 02:02:30,114
You're just a virgin,
that's all?
2626
02:02:30,239 --> 02:02:32,908
Yeah.
That's good.
That's a good thing.
2627
02:02:34,702 --> 02:02:36,537
I feel stupid.
2628
02:02:38,205 --> 02:02:40,916
It's okay. I thought
you were trying to kill me.
2629
02:02:42,668 --> 02:02:43,669
No.
2630
02:02:44,545 --> 02:02:45,838
Oh, my God.
2631
02:02:46,922 --> 02:02:49,508
No, I'm not trying
to kill you.
2632
02:02:53,387 --> 02:02:56,015
That's why I never tried
to have sex with you.
2633
02:02:56,432 --> 02:02:58,892
I was scared, okay?
I just...
2634
02:02:59,601 --> 02:03:01,437
'Cause I didn't know
what I was doing.
2635
02:03:01,520 --> 02:03:03,355
I just didn't think
it would be good.
2636
02:03:03,439 --> 02:03:06,400
Of course it'll be good.
We love each other.
2637
02:03:08,027 --> 02:03:09,194
Really?
2638
02:03:10,863 --> 02:03:12,197
I love you.
2639
02:03:13,741 --> 02:03:14,867
Yeah.
2640
02:03:17,911 --> 02:03:19,496
[Car horn honking]
2641
02:03:19,580 --> 02:03:22,082
Get the fuck out of the road,
virgin!
2642
02:03:23,917 --> 02:03:25,377
Shut up, you fucking jerk!
2643
02:03:25,461 --> 02:03:28,380
No, that's okay.
That's all right. Sorry.
2644
02:03:30,007 --> 02:03:31,091
You know what...
2645
02:03:31,175 --> 02:03:33,969
for so long I thought
that there was something
wrong with me...
2646
02:03:34,053 --> 02:03:36,889
because it had
never happened, but...
2647
02:03:39,350 --> 02:03:43,145
I realize now that it was
just because
I was waiting for you.
2648
02:04:08,170 --> 02:04:10,923
This was some wedding.
How could they afford it?
2649
02:04:11,006 --> 02:04:14,301
Dude sells his toys and makes
like a half a million dollars.
2650
02:04:14,426 --> 02:04:16,595
It's crazy, right?
That's fucking crazy.
2651
02:04:16,679 --> 02:04:18,639
We're gonna get
some fucking toys.
2652
02:04:18,722 --> 02:04:20,891
We are all so happy for you.
2653
02:04:21,100 --> 02:04:23,894
I am delighted
to say these words.
2654
02:04:24,770 --> 02:04:25,896
Andy...
2655
02:04:26,522 --> 02:04:28,399
you may kiss the bride.
2656
02:04:32,778 --> 02:04:34,488
[People exclaiming]
2657
02:04:39,535 --> 02:04:40,869
[Cheering]
2658
02:04:41,620 --> 02:04:44,748
And for God's sake,
consummate the thing.
2659
02:04:49,753 --> 02:04:52,631
No! Stop it.
I have the key.
2660
02:04:56,176 --> 02:04:57,177
[Exclaims]
2661
02:04:59,513 --> 02:05:01,807
I'm not gonna be done
buffing the marble...
2662
02:05:01,890 --> 02:05:03,559
for about a half an hour,
but...
2663
02:05:03,642 --> 02:05:06,186
you can come in and sit down
if you want...
2664
02:05:06,270 --> 02:05:08,439
or wait in the lobby.
It's okay.
2665
02:05:08,522 --> 02:05:10,065
It's up to you.
2666
02:05:13,277 --> 02:05:15,821
##[Humming]
2667
02:05:17,239 --> 02:05:19,533
Dude,
get the fuck out of here.
2668
02:05:30,544 --> 02:05:32,046
Ready?
Yeah.
2669
02:05:38,177 --> 02:05:39,595
Yes.
Yeah.
2670
02:05:42,640 --> 02:05:43,849
[Moans]
2671
02:05:46,268 --> 02:05:47,227
Whoa.
2672
02:05:47,811 --> 02:05:50,105
You're officially
not a virgin.
2673
02:05:50,898 --> 02:05:51,982
Cool.
2674
02:06:00,074 --> 02:06:01,450
Wow.
2675
02:06:08,874 --> 02:06:10,501
Wanna do it again?
2676
02:06:11,627 --> 02:06:13,128
Yeah.
Good. Okay.
2677
02:06:13,212 --> 02:06:14,421
Sure.
2678
02:06:15,047 --> 02:06:17,257
That was good. That was okay.
2679
02:06:20,636 --> 02:06:21,679
Okay.
2680
02:06:21,804 --> 02:06:22,888
You ready?
Yeah.
2681
02:06:22,972 --> 02:06:25,557
Are you ready?
Yeah, I'm fine, yeah.
2682
02:06:34,650 --> 02:06:35,985
[Panting]
2683
02:06:38,320 --> 02:06:40,322
So, how was that for you?
2684
02:06:45,202 --> 02:06:47,746
# When the moon #
2685
02:06:47,830 --> 02:06:51,041
# Is in the Seventh House #
2686
02:06:51,292 --> 02:06:55,754
# And Jupiter
aligns with Mars #
2687
02:06:56,797 --> 02:07:01,677
# Then peace will guide
the planets #
2688
02:07:02,136 --> 02:07:05,389
# And love
will steer the stars #
2689
02:07:05,472 --> 02:07:09,935
# This is the dawning
of the age of Aquarius #
2690
02:07:10,144 --> 02:07:14,440
# Age of Aquarius #
2691
02:07:15,024 --> 02:07:19,486
# Aquarius #
2692
02:07:20,154 --> 02:07:24,617
# Aquarius #
2693
02:07:25,284 --> 02:07:27,369
# Harmony and understanding #
2694
02:07:27,703 --> 02:07:30,289
# Sympathy and trust
abounding #
2695
02:07:30,331 --> 02:07:32,207
# No more falsehoods
or derisions #
2696
02:07:32,291 --> 02:07:35,294
# Golden living dreams
of visions #
2697
02:07:35,336 --> 02:07:37,630
# Mystic crystal revelations #
2698
02:07:37,671 --> 02:07:40,674
# And the mind's true
liberation #
2699
02:07:40,758 --> 02:07:45,429
# Aquarius #
2700
02:07:45,679 --> 02:07:50,351
# Aquarius #
2701
02:07:50,768 --> 02:07:55,022
# When the moon is
in the Seventh House #
2702
02:07:55,814 --> 02:08:00,110
# And Jupiter
aligns with Mars #
2703
02:08:01,362 --> 02:08:06,158
# Then peace will guide
the planets #
2704
02:08:06,408 --> 02:08:09,662
# And love
will steer the star #
2705
02:08:09,745 --> 02:08:13,999
# This is the dawning
of the age of Aquarius #
2706
02:08:14,249 --> 02:08:18,879
# The age of Aquarius #
2707
02:08:19,171 --> 02:08:23,801
# Aquarius #
2708
02:08:24,218 --> 02:08:26,387
# Aquarius #
2709
02:08:26,470 --> 02:08:28,347
# It's Aquarius, baby #
2710
02:08:28,430 --> 02:08:31,016
# We ain't talking about
no Scorpio #
2711
02:08:31,100 --> 02:08:32,601
# We ain't talking about no #
2712
02:08:32,685 --> 02:08:35,646
# No, we ain't talking
about no Scorpio #
2713
02:08:39,858 --> 02:08:41,568
# Aquarius #
2714
02:08:42,111 --> 02:08:44,947
# Aquarius #
2715
02:08:47,324 --> 02:08:49,702
# Aquarius ##
2716
02:08:55,708 --> 02:08:59,086
# Let the sunshine #
2717
02:08:59,378 --> 02:09:02,840
# Let the sunshine in #
2718
02:09:02,881 --> 02:09:06,302
# The sunshine in #
2719
02:09:07,303 --> 02:09:10,639
# Let the sunshine #
2720
02:09:11,223 --> 02:09:14,601
# Let the sunshine in #
2721
02:09:14,685 --> 02:09:18,188
# The sunshine in #
2722
02:09:19,106 --> 02:09:22,776
# Let the sunshine #
2723
02:09:22,860 --> 02:09:26,322
# Let the sunshine in #
2724
02:09:26,405 --> 02:09:30,534
# The sunshine in #
# Let it shine, let it shine #
2725
02:09:30,826 --> 02:09:34,163
# Let the sunshine #
2726
02:09:34,204 --> 02:09:36,081
# Let it shine #
2727
02:09:36,165 --> 02:09:38,167
# Let it shine, yeah #
2728
02:09:38,208 --> 02:09:42,046
# The sunshine in #
2729
02:09:42,546 --> 02:09:46,008
# Let the sunshine #
2730
02:09:46,383 --> 02:09:49,803
# Let the sunshine in #
2731
02:09:49,887 --> 02:09:52,848
# The sunshine in ##
2732
02:10:24,338 --> 02:10:26,215
##[Just Got Lucky playing]
2733
02:10:43,225 --> 02:12:22,019
Subtitles by ARAVIND B
[by_agentsmith@yahoo.com]
204520
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