Original subtitles

And in science news, researchers say it may be true that after several years...

...dogs and their masters begin to look alike.

Yeah, right.

Hi, son.

Over here, Mom.

Oh, I'm sorry, honey.

Your father'll be home soon, and he'll be looking for dinner.

Tell him I hope he finds it.

I'm just going over to Marcie's.

But you'll miss Dad's latest episode...

...of A Fat Woman Came into the Shoe Store Today.

Actually, I already know how it ends.

He doesn't get the sale or a life.

Peg.

Bud.

Over here, Dad.

I'm sorry, son. Guess what happened today at the shoe store.

Did a fat woman come in?

Enormous.

Wow, that was a spine-tingler.

Much better than yesterday's, "A fat woman walked past the shoe store."

Oh, I'm sorry, Peg. I must have forgot my manners.

How'd you do at work today?

I see.

This woman comes in, and she is so fat...

...she actually has three smaller women orbiting around her.

So I'm trying to force a pair of size-13 shoes on her Jurassic feet...

...when she says to me that her husband just left her.

The plot thins.

Pardon me, son, let's hear about your day at work today.

That's interesting.

So this woman's telling me about how her husband left her.

And she reaches into her purse...

...moves aside the pastrami sub...

...and produces two $500 courtside tickets...

...to tonight's All-Star Charity Basketball Game.

The one to send overprivileged white kids to basketball camp?

Hands Across the Suburbs? She gave you these tickets?

Sold them to me for $1 apiece, which I didn't have--

And, Peg, thank you for that.

--but which I was able to borrow at the mall fountain...

...and the charity mint box.

So Jerry Lewis can't afford Rip Taylor this Labor Day.

Now it's just a matter of who I go with.

- Well-- - No.

And it's not because I don't love you like a son, Buck.

- Bud. - Whatever.

It's just that you can do nothing for me.

Now, see, these are power seats. I need to talk somebody with influence.

I wonder what the doorman at the nudie bar's doing tonight.

Well, it's fall. Maybe he's taking his shower.

Call him, Bud, he's on speed dial, listed under Grandma.

Peggy.

Do I have the most romantic husband or what?

- Guess where he's taking me tonight. - On the kitchen table?

Better. He's taking me to see The Captain and Tennille Unplugged.

Gee, you would've thought somebody would've plugged them by now.

- It's their big reunion concert. - Guess who's opening for them.

The Carpenter?

You saw it in the paper.

Yeah, these reunion concerts are great.

They stir memories of the good times you had...

...with the woman you've always loved...

...and the great times you had with the women you barely knew.

I honestly can't think of another place I'd rather be tonight.

Please take me, Al. Please. Please.

- What are those tickets to? - Basketball.

What a snore.

It may not have the same excitement...

...of "My Daddy Saw My Behind" on Oprah Week...

...but it gives me a reason to live.

I want a reason too, Al. What'll it take?

- What have you got? - Marcie's Discover Card.

I'm over the limit on her Visa.

You're gonna be over the limit on your health insurance deductible...

...if we're not arm-in-arm singing "Muskrat Love" in a couple hours.

- I can't go, Al. - I didn't invite you.

Al, how come we never go to concerts?

It's because we don't like the same people.

For instance, you like you.

Peg, I can promise you...

...the day they put Captain and Tennille on a life-support system...

...we'll be among the first to see them unplugged.

Well, if we didn't need them for sex, they'd make great compost.

Well, in that case, you can grind mine up right now.

Oh, Al, what is the big deal about going to a basketball game anyway?

I mean, you watch it on TV all the time.

Because there's nothing like being there in person.

This All-Star Game is a once-a-year thing.

I mean, it transcends basketball. It's limos...

- It's bright lights. - Celebrities.

Celebrities? There's gonna be celebrities?

No, Peg. I meant celeries.

Celeries is the official vegetable of the NBA.

Al, I think I wanna go to this game.

Peg, can't go. Achmed the doorman is going.

Dad, Achmed can't make it.

It's Silicone Madness Night at the nudie bar.

- Tonight? Damn! - Tonight? Damn!

Well, then it's settled. I'm going.

You can't, Peg. There's a league rule. No women allowed.

I'm gonna be late. I'm going to the All-Star Game tonight.

Wait a second.

- How did you get a ticket? - I don't need a ticket.

I'm young, available and I look like this.

Kel, Kel. When are you gonna give up?

Every year you try to marry a basketball player...

...and every year you just get older.

And another crop of girls turn 18.

Soon you're gonna be girding your loose loins in leather...

...and sitting in the pathetically-past- their-prime section with Dyan Cannon.

Ho, ho, Pimple-stiltskin.

By the way, the Eagle Scouts called, your merit badge in celibacy came in.

If I'm not back tonight, then my mission was accomplished...

...and you may forever refer to me as Mrs. Vlade Divac.

So, Al, what do you think I should wear to the game tonight?

Peg, you can wear your robe and your bonbon bib for all I care...

...because you're absolutely, positively staying home!

Now, isn't this fun?

Look, Al. It's my very own Patrick Ewing groin-pull doll.

That's nice, Peg. At least you won't be doing that to me now.

This is the first time you've been to a game...

...so let me explain the rules of basketball.

Rule number one, no talking.

And when you break rule number one, and you will...

...there's rule number two, which is...

...if I look at pretty girls walking up and down the aisles, and I will...

...you can't say, "Are they prettier than me?"

Always know the answer will be, "Yes, she is."

And in some cases, "Yes, he is."

I'm sorry, honey.

I was pulling on Patrick. Did you say something?

- Not a word. - All, please rise.

Tonight, singing our national anthem is Ms. Tina Turner.

Oh, say can you see

There's more to see than this.

By the dawn's early light

But you'd be too tired to wake up.

What so proudly we hail

Who wrote this song?

- Al, doesn't that look like it could be--? - Shut up, Peg.

At least it's better than Roseanne.

And the home of the brave

Call me, Vlade!

And that concludes tonight's national anthem.

And now it's time to meet your NBA All-Stars.

And Danny Ainge.

Al, I have to go to the bathroom.

Come on, Al, I want you to go with me.

- Why? - To keep the men from leering at me.

Peg, they're not leering at you, they're laughing at me.

Honey, I really have to go.

All right, but I don't wanna miss the start of the game.

I promise you won't. Come on, hurry. We'll be quick.

What a game.

That was the most exciting quarter and a half of basketball I've ever seen.

Not as exciting as me almost getting arrested...

...for loitering in front of the ladies' room.

Well, you know I told you about putting your hands down your pants in public.

Well, it's the only fun I've had in this game so far, Peg.

What I'd like to do is watch the rest of it...

...in complete, total and uninterrupted silence, okay?

Okay, sweetie.

Hey, Riley, nice hair.

What, are you using 30-weight now?

Hey, Barkley, you're playing like a virgin.

Al, you're being obnoxious.

You're supposed to act like that at a game.

The players love it. It shows you appreciate the sport.

Hey, baldy.

Are you a real player, or did Sinead O'Connor get a tan?

That's the wrong guy, Peg.

That's Xavier McDaniel. They call him the X-Man.

Oh, he's coming this way, Peg. You don't know me.

Excuse me, but I couldn't help but overhear your little witticism.

He made me say it.

My mistake.

You know, Mr. X, I might leave him alone.

He played high school football.

You'll hear it from me. You'll be leaving the game on a stretcher.

Hey, couldn't we start things off as friends?

Could you help me get Shaquille O'Neal's autograph?

You know, it is better being here in person.

That's the end of the first half, with the score tied at 81-81.

That's good. I came to at just the right time.

Hey, Al, could you change seats with me? I can't see.

You can't see what, Peg? It's halftime.

Yeah, but I think that's Joe Piscopo over there.

Over there, Peg? That's an usher. Wait a second, that is Joe Piscopo.

Honey, change seats with me. I won't ask you for another thing. I promise.

Come on.

Okay, ladies and gentlemen, it's time to play Basket-O-Cash.

Some lucky fan will get a chance to shoot from the free-throw line...

...for $10,000.

And tonight's lucky contestant is sitting in section eight...

...row B, seat two.

That's me! That's me!

- It's me. It's you? - Congratulations, miss. Right this way.

But wait a second. No, see, see. She's not me. I'm her.

That was my seat. We switched. Tell him, Peg.

It's me. It's me!

She doesn't have a chance of making the shot.

That's the way we like it.

- Right this way. - Oh, come on, let's go.

And now, the precision choreography of our own All-Star cheerleaders.

Hi, Vlade. My name is Kelly.

I can make you very happy.

You can show me how to set my VCR?

If necessary.

Here's my phone number.

- There's only six numbers. - Well, come on, I'm not easy.

Call me, okay? We can make it happen.

Ms. Bundy, we'll be shooting in about five minutes. Here are the rules.

You get one shot from the free-throw line.

Make it, and you win $10,000.

- Sounds easy. - Any questions?

Yeah, just one. What's a free-throw line?

Don't spend it all in one place.

She'll be ready, wise guy.

Shave your head, give me your hair, I'm taking the shot.

Don't be ridiculous, Al.

I'm sure that if I practice, I can be just as good as that Smoking Joe Louis...

...or any of those other quarterbacks.

Another slow day, eh, God?

Okay, now, look, Peg.

- Now, pretend that I'm the basket. - I don't know, honey.

I've pretended you're a lot of things:

A cowboy, a knight, Mr. T, dead, but a basket...

Peg, concentrate. This is $10,000.

You know what I could do with $10,000?

Take 10,000 trips to the nudie bar?

No, Peg. Just one great one.

All right, now, relax, take aim, bend your knees...

...and let the ball roll slowly off your fingertips.

Perhaps I didn't make myself clear the first time.

Peg!

NBA action, it's fantastic.

And now it's time to play Basket-O-Cash.

Tonight's lucky contestant is a woman.

From Chicago, Ms. Peg Bundy.

Ms. Bundy says she's married to a successful doctor...

...and not to Al Bundy the shoe salesman.

And now, presenting the Basket-O-Cash ball...

...a starting guard for the Portland Trail Blazers...

...and proud member of America's Olympic Dream Team...

...Clyde "The Glide" Drexler.

You know, anyone can do that.

I have to make it from here.

Don't worry about it.

Just think of the line from that famous commercial.

Oh, you mean, "Just do it"?

Well, no. I was thinking, "Leggo my Eggo."

But yours is better.

Okay. Good luck, Ms. Bundy.

Don't be nervous.

Ten thousand dollars riding on this shot.

Ten thousand people rooting for you.

Or against you.

Ten--

Go ahead and shoot it, baby.

The court's all yours, Peg.

Ten thousand dollars.

Gee, I wonder if I could get a cheerleader for that.

Ten thousand dollars.

Gee, I wonder if I could get a player for that.

Hey, if we'd had her instead of Ainge, we'd have won the championship.

Now, now, Peg. Now, that's all right.

You gave it your best shot.

- You're not disappointed, Al? - Disappointed, Peg?

It's the only way it could be.

I wanted it, I needed it, I deserved it.

How else could it have turned out?

- Then it's your fault. - From the minute I said, I do.

You know, honey, I'm really sorry about the money.

I guess basketball's just not my game.

I guess not, Peg. Come on, sweetheart, let's go.

Okay.