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Kay, where are you?

I'm in here!

Honestly, Kay, if I live to be 100,

I'll never get used to

your 365-degree turns!

Thanks for coming, mother.

You sure you want to open this place again?

Positive.

It's been five years.

Threeyears!

Whatever, it's a big decision.

It could be quite a shock.

It's just a house, mother!

It's more than that!

It's a part of your life!

That part is over with.

You suddenly decide

after this what's-his-name

has been chasing you for two years

to marry that gravedigger.

What's-his-name is Rupert! He's an egyptologist!

I don't care what he says he is.

He looks in the ground for dead people.

For god's sake,

be careful with this! Work's priceless!

Watch that corner.

Doing fine.

I do not believe this.

Stuff's been in Egypt for 4,000 years,

it arrives the week I'm supposed to get married.

Couldn't have been planned better.

Are you nervous?

Sure I am.

That's the whole point of getting married,

to be nervous.

I'm also very excited, though.

In my office. And this one, too, please.

You got it.

Ask me, you're making a big mistake.

Marriage is the pits.

You were a priest.

Is that what you told people?

No, that's what they used to tell me.

Kay and I are very much in love.

We're two intelligent, compatible adults,

we like the same things...

Liking the same things doesn't matter.

What matters is spending money on the same things.

You probably were a cynical priest.

I got to meet Kay.

This house, this marriage...

I hope it won't end up like those turtles.

What turtles?

Those turtles you'd always convince

your father to buy you.

That same impulse is at work.

But who ended up feeding them

those smelly old flies?

You did.

Yes. You lost interest right away.

You won't feed my husband smelly old flies.

I should hope not.

As his wife, that'll be your job.

I've been in limbo three years,

since jolly died.

I just want to start to live again.

I know, darling, but why in this house?

Because it's my house and I love it!

What does Rupert say to that?

I haven't told him yet.

What?

I haven't told him yet, but I will.

I'm sure we'll both live here very happily.

I want you to be happy, dear. You know that.

It's just that, as your mother,

I feel it's my duty to point out

all the negative aspects of the situation.

Thanks, mother.

Nice try.

Emily, have you seen jolly?

He got a cab right behind mine.

Hello? Anybody home?

Emily?

Hello? Hello?

Emily!

Hi.

Hello.

Thanks for coming. I know you're busy.

The magazine can live without me

an afternoon.

I brought the proofs

of your Chelsea article.

Did you like it?

Yes.

Good.

I love this place.

I'd forgotten how elegant it was.

How elegant it is.

Is.

Hi, Emily.

Charlotte.

Can you believe she's doing this?

The dust!

Soot. Country has dust, New York has soot.

Brings back such memories.

This elegant room! This window!

It looks right into the garden.

Shakespeare, what's the matter with you?

There's nothing there.

I'd like to start by thanking hal prince and Stephen sondheim

for not producing a play on Broadway this year

and, of course, the implacable Jenny,

stage manageress without peer.

Thank you for everything, including holding my hand,

telling me my zipper was open.

Finally, the one person

without whom I couldn't have gotten through any of it,

my darling Kay,

the night is yours, and I love you.

Was this always here?

What?

This wall, was it always here?

Yes, mother, it was always there.

Well, I don't remember it.

It was always kind of flat like that

and held the building up.

It's going to take some kind of work

to make this place what it was.

No. It's not going to be what it was.

I'm going to change everything, top to bottom...

New wallpaper, new furniture... everything!

Kay?

What?

Are you all right?

I'm fine. I just have to get my bearings.

Come on, Shakespeare.

It's great that she's decided to face this place,

to start doing things again.

But why not start with a simpler hobby,

like needlepoint or... or analysis?

Jolly...

Is Rupert here yet?

No, not yet!

He said he'd be here at 4:00.

He's playing with those dead arabs.

Mother, that's his job.

Please try to be tolerant of him.

He's such a nerd.

He's not a nerd.

Where did you learn that word?

It came out when I met him, just like that.

I like Rupert.

Youmarry him.

Rupert is a fine man. We're going to be married.

Why couldn't you have found another man like jolly?

Mother, please don't start this again!

He was so handsome and... and charming and...

Dead.

And he loved this house.

He did not, mother. He hardly noticed it.

Home to jolly was room service in any hotel

in any town with a theater.

Charlotte, do you think we might scrape together

a cup of instant coffee?

Why not?

I didn't have any lunch today.

I mean, even a stale tea bag...

My god!

Kay! Kay!

Rupert!

Rupert, you're late.

I know. I'm sorry.

You ok?

Sure.

Good.

So...

Why does he hate me?

He doesn't. He likes you!

Yeah. I can tell. He's wagging his fangs.

Honey... So this is the place?

It's just you.

Just me.

Lovely hat. Are batteries included...

Ha ha ha!

Rupert!

Hey, Emily. This place is fabulous!

Do you like it?

Who wouldn't?

Look at this banister!

What?

That's Santiago mahogany, impossible to find today.

Can I go upstairs?

This molding is incredible!

Did you tell him?

I will!

God, do you know what it would cost

to build a place like this today?

Do you like it?

Like it? I loveit!

I love it almost as much as I love you.

Rupert, let's get married here.

Wh... here in the house?

Why not? It's our house.

Another snap decision.

I think it's a fabulous idea.

What about the club?

Cancel.

Can't. They went to all this trouble

fitting us in on short notice.

It would be a beautiful place

for a wedding.

Absolutely perfect.

What do you say?

I think it's irresponsible.

Loosen up!

Please.

Do it, Rupert.

Well, ok. Why not? I guess.

Then it's all settled.

I don't have my address book, and I need a telephone.

I'll need something different to wear

if it's going to be here.

You happy?

Yes, I'm happy.

This is your mother's guest list.

Well, I see, in deference to limited space,

she's agreed to leave out the third-world nations.

Well, my mother is a little excited.

It's my first wedding, remember?

That's right. You and... Jolly.

You and jolly eloped. That's right.

I haven't been in this place in years.

It's good to have you alone.

I... honey, I... Go ahead. No, you.

I just... Well, I wanted to talk to you

about something.

me, too.

Well, go ahead.

I have a question to ask.

Kay? Kay villano!

Michael! Michael!!

Look at you!

Look at you! You look wonderful!

You look terrific!

What are you doing?

I just got the new prince show.

That's fabulous! I'm so excited for you!

I'll call you when I get back.

We'll have lunch.

Ok. Yes.

Scusa! Ciao!

Bye.

That guy... Ha ha ha!

Who's that?

Michael mensinger, fabulous dancer.

You'll just love him.

No doubt.

Anyway, I was saying before...

That I'm just a little... little scared...

Rupert.

No, no. About... Kay? Is that you, honey?

Kay!

Mark! Mark! Gosh!

Kay!

How are you? It's been three years!

Old friends.

You look better than ever.

Thank you.

Let's sneak out

and find a quiet restaurant.

She's engaged.

Well, we'll find ourselves

a loud restaurant.

You come, too.

Kay, I got a show to do.

Bye.

Bye... So good to see you.

Bye.

Mark Lewis, just a wonderful dancer.

Yeah? Don't you know any bad dancers?

Besides me, I mean.

Honey, are you jealous?

Jealous, why? Just because

you're standing up in a restaurant

making out with strangers? Don't be silly!

They're not strangers.

Well, they are to me.

You're so funny. Ha ha ha!

Thanks.

I've been thinking.

What?

Would you like to move into the house?

That house?

Yes, that house.

I don't know.

You said you liked it.

I know, but I was... Kay!

Kay!

Roscoe and Roland,

I can't believe it! Gee!!

I suppose you're a dancer, too?

No, I'm just effeminate. Thank you.

Give me a hug!

One from you and you!

Gee!

I love scallops!

You can't have any.

You look terrific!

Thank you.

We just got off the road... Sophisticated ladies.

New act together.

Come see it.

"Roscoe and Roland."

Roscoe and Roland. I wouldn't miss it!

We'll look for you.

Bye.

Would anyone else

like to make out with my fianceée?

Rupert, Rupert, Rupert!

Last call!

Sit down and eat your scallops.

Kay, why didn't you

introduce me to any of them?

I wanted to.

They just all went by so fast.

What do you think about the house?

This is exactly what I mean.

Part of your life I know nothing about, Kay.

I know nothing about yours.

But it's boring. It doesn't scare you.

I think, in a healthy marriage,

fear should be equal.

You don't want to move into the house.

Well, do you?

Yes, I do!

You could have the third floor

and rehearsal hall for your research.

I could have the second floor and study

for a work area,

and I could write more articles

for Emily's magazine.

It'll be fixed top to bottom.

It's beautiful...

You've been thinking about this?

Yes, I've been thinking about this.

And you really have your heart set on it?

Yes, I do. I really do.

Ok. Fine.

I love you.

It's fine.

Just down one more step.

Step behind you. Ok.

Come on, Shakespeare.

Come on. Wait. Let me get out of the way.

Come on. That's a boy.

Kay! Kay!

Your mother is driving me mad, Kay.

Pretend she's your own mother and ignore her.

You're doing a wonderful job, Billy.

Could you put the dog in the kitchen, please?

There you go. Thanks a lot.

Wait a second.

Ok. There you go. Ok.

Kay!

Hello, mother. I'll be down in a minute!

Yes, but... All right. Come on.

You got it? Let's go!

Ok.

Excuse me.

Sorry.

You got it?

I got it.

Ok. Let's go.

Move, will you?

Hi, Shakespeare.

Ha ha ha!

It's an illusion, boy, it's just an illusion.

Emily warned me. She said to me...

She said this would happen.

She said, if I moved back in the house,

certain memories would come back.

If I face them... If I face them...

It will go away.

I will open my eyes now,

and this particular illusion will be gone.

Ha ha!

Not bad for a dead man.

Well, aren't you going to say hello?

You're not here.

Yes, I am.

No. You're dead.

Well, I can't argue with that.

You're not here. He's not here.

You're dead because I've been a widow three years.

Everybody saw your body downstairs!

Everybody saw it!

Was that profile or full-face?

I should have listened to my mother!

I shouldn't have rushed into this!

I'm here two days, and I'm insane!

All right, now.

Just... just calm down, ok?

Ok.

Ok?

Ok.

It's not so complicated.

It's really very simple.

Let me explain.

Please do. Fast.

I'm, I'm what you might call a...

A ghost.

Well, that... Clears it all... Up.

Listen, calm down.

Talking to my dead husband happens to upset me!

You always got mad like this.

I hardly ever got mad!

How about the car?

He brings up the car.

Then you throw something at me.

I'm gonna throw this book at you.!

Jolly?

That's me.

Why are you here?

I live here.

You?

We're moving back in.

We?

My fianceé and I.

Terrific. That's fantastic.

We can probably share utilities.

I will insist on my own phone, though.

Do something.

Excuse me?

Make a lamp move or something disappear.

No. I don't want to do that.

No cheap tricks, conjure a rabbit,

stuff like that.

I'm a mental image, not a physical one. See?

I see, I see.

Jolly... Yeah?

Whaa... Whaa?

What are you doing here?

I died here.

And your spirit is trying to get out.

With New York rents? You must be mad.

Jolly!

How long are you planning on staying?

Here?

I mean, are you going to... i mean...

You mean the weekend.

The wedding.

I wouldn't miss that

for the world, darling.

Good.

You look sensational.

Thanks.

So do you.

Yeah?

Kay? Are you here?

My god.

You've got to be quiet.

We've got to hide you.

Sit in the chair! Sit in the chair!

But, listen, Kay...

Kay, I have a feeling you're not listening.

There you are.

Hello, mother.

Everything here goes... All this furniture.

Right.

The new tables go against the wall here?

Yes. So take it all out.

Right. Everything goes. Except that chair.

You're keeping thatchair?

That ratty old chair?

Yes, I am.

Don't be silly, Kay. Look, take it away.

Don't... Touch... That... Chair!

Really, Kay.

It has great sentimental value.

It does?

What sentimental value?

What sentimental value does it have?

I'll tell you what sentimental value it has.

My fianceé... Was born in it.

What?

Rupert? My fianceé?

He was born in that chair.

How strange.

Rupert never lived in this house.

Well, of course he didn't.

I know that.

It comes from his mother's house.

He was born very near here.

Yes, it's a lovely family tradition.

They were all born in chairs.

Can you imagine?

His mother sitting there,

knitting, listening to the radio,

and presto!

Out popped my fianceé.

Well, of course, he was much younger then.

Shakespeare, no! No, no, no!

Shakespeare, no! No!

God! God! God! Mother.

There you are. There you are.

That's my first husband.

Yes, there he is, god bless him.

He died three years ago.

You think he's changed?

Changed? No.

Say something to him.

I beg your pardon?

Go ahead, say something to him.

He talks.

He, he talks?

Yes, mother, he talks.

So you might as well say something to him.

Hello. How do you do?

Stupid, you got brain damage or something?

You're talking to a picture.

No, no, no! Not him.

Him.

Who?

They can't see or hear me.

He didn't say nothin'.

Ha ha ha!

Well, of course not, you big silly.

It's just a picture.

Can't you take a joke?

Everything out!

The chair, too?

The chair, too.

Lady, are you sure?

I'm sure.

What about its sentimental value?

Mother.

Just because someone is born in a chair.

Big deal.

I bet someone was born in all these chairs.

Good night, sweetheart.

Mush! Mush!

Darling, you'd better lie down.

That's a good idea.

Billy, I'm convinced

they've hung the paper upside-down.

I'll leave you at the museum.

You can talk to all the pictures you want.

Ready, dear? Let's go.

I'm starving.

I'll meet you at the restaurant later.

I'd like to finish a few things here.

Ok. See you there.

Don't be too long.

I won't.

Hello. You've reached the home

of Kay and jolly villano.

As you probably can tell, we're not at home.

Jolly.

Jolly?

Jolly?

If you arehere,

and I wasn't dreaming before,

there's something I've got to tell you.

I've been thinking.

This isn't good.

It's not right for you to come back now.

Things are different.

There isn't room for you.

What we had was nice.

It was wonderful.

But I'm getting married,

and things just aren't the same.

I don't need you anymore, jolly.

I don't believe I'm doing this.

I don't believe it!

Shakespeare, come on!

Vegetables, vegetables, vegetables...

Fresh and raw, and lots of them.

That's the key.

Jolly convinced me to become a vegetarian.

Excellent meal as always, Kay.

I saw what vegetarianism did for jolly.

What a virile man.

Jolly, jolly, jolly.

This fellow here

seems pretty rock-hard to me.

Honey, is that centered now?

Yes, dear.

Jolly was so clever.

He used to have a Maxim about eating.

I mean, he used to say,

"I never eat anything with a face."

That's right!

As I remember, he was clever, all right.

This is a wonderful house for a wedding.

I have a Maxim, too.

Let's hear yours.

I never eat anything that spoke French.

I don't care how long

a hostess slaved over a hot stove,

if it spoke French, I won't touch it.

Ha ha. Rupert.

Is it straight now?

Yes, dear.

Edgar's my fifth husband.

And I married her to three of them.

He made his fortune in construction.

I like to do things myself. Still the best way.

What did I do with the nail?

No.

No! No, no!

What's the matter?

There's spots on these glasses.

I think you're watching too much TV, Kay.

Thank you, honey.

Jolly's last show is still running on Broadway.

It's the ninth longest-running show in history.

You're just saying that to bore us.

I wasn't dreaming.

It's the real thing.

Jolly... I've been thinking.

Thinking?

Yeah. You can't stay here!

Why not?

Because... Because.

No reason at all.

Because I'm getting married next Saturday!

We'll have a meénage aà trois.

Don't be ridiculous.

I love you.

Don't say that!

What?

Don't say, "I love you."

Why not?

Don't say, "I love you"

with dirty dishes in your hands.

It takes all the romance out of it.

Put the dishes down first...

And now say it.

I love you.

See how much better that was?

This is going to be laughs.

Your mother keeps talking about your dead husband.

She was fond of him.

Yes, and she had wonderful taste.

"Jolly." how could a grown man walk around

with a name sounding like a breakfast cereal?

Ha ha.

Yes, he has a certain charm.

He certainly does.

But, he's not for you.

No?

Then who is?

Me.

Handsome, charming, debonair.

And dead?

You were always one to pick out

those little imperfections in everything.

But I still love you.

I told you not to say that.

Does, he say that?

Who?

Of course!

Of course he does. All the time.

I mean, like I say it?

Well... No.

No, not really.

You said it real good sometimes.

Jolly.

God. Go away.

Rupert, darling, let's start discussing plans

for the big event.

Very good idea.

You've become very efficient, my love.

I'd like to get this straight.

You don't think it's straight?

No, not you, the wedding.

You're right. It's not straight.

It's not every day that you get married,

although in your case, you come very close.

Kay and jolly eloped.

I think that was smart.

Yeah, so do I.

It was fun.

Where was it?

Yes, tell us all about it.

Atlantic city.

Tell them about the chapel.

Please, tell them.

All right. We went to

the tackiest little wedding chapel.

The minister's wife kept burping

throughout the whole ceremony.

Don't forget about

the midget bellboy at the hotel.

You've heard this before?

Yes, but the 12th time is the funniest.

There was this midget... Well, this very short bellhop,

and he spent the entire time

locked in the bathroom.

That jolly. He was so much fun.

Yeah, I was.

Yes, you were... he was.

I've had enough of this.

I'm so god damn sick of this jerk,

and I've never even met him!

He wasn't born in a chair.

Look, I'm alive. He's dead and gone.

Dead but not gone.

No, he's not gone. But I'll get rid of him.

Rupert, darling, we were just talking.

I won't be defeated by a ghost.

If he were here, I would confront him.

He'd punch you in the nose.

You tell him.

Is that straight?

No! No!

Kay, I have one question for you.

What?

And I'd like the answer finally.

Do you want to live here with your mother

and your dead husband,

or do you want to marry me?

I'd say... Please keep out of this.

I shall leave the room.

That's good idea.

Come, my love.

Which is it, Kay?

Don't be too hasty.

Well?

I want to marry you. I love you to pieces.

I want to live here happily ever after.

That's all I wanted to hear.

Now let's get the details

of the god damn wedding straightened out!

A match made in heaven.

I'm glad you're not angry.

No, honey. Really, it was my fault.

It's great making love in our room

for the first time.

Honey, do you ever think of anyone else

when you make love?

Ha. No.

Never?

Images pop into my head sometimes, but...

Like who?

It's dumb, ok? You'll laugh at me.

No, I won't. Really. Tell me.

Guy lombardo.

Who?

Guy lombardo, the band leader.

Ha ha ha!

You're laughing.

No, I'm not. No, I'm not.

I'm not laughing.

Why?

Well, the first time I ever did it

was at this new year's Eve party

at my parents' house,

and the caterer's daughter seduced me.

It just so happened

that the TV was on at the time,

and at the climactic moment,

guy lombardo came on.

Does he think of the royal Canadians, too?

Do you think of the royal Canadians, too?

No.

No.

I'm not into group sex.

Do you ever think of anyone?

No.

Just asking.

Honey. No, honey, I don't.

You busy?

Honey, relax, please.

Honey, relax.

I am relaxed.

Well, then unclench your fists.

Big deal. Big deal.

I love you so much.

Is he good?

Yes.

Yes.

I mean, is he better than me?

Yes.

Yes.

I find that hard to believe.

Am I disturbing you?

Yes.

I'll just shut off the lights.

God, let me do it.

Ok. Can I watch?

What?

No, honey, I wasn't talking to you.

I was just jabbering away in ecstasy.

"Jabbering away in ecstasy." That's good.

Kay, I love you so much.

I never liked these things.

All of you.

These ugly things.

I love your shoulders.

Where did we get these?

And your breasts.

They're my aunt edna's.

What? What?

What did you say?

Nothing.

I was jabbering away again.

In ecstasy.

In ecstasy. Right.

That's what you say when you're in ecstasy?

"They're my aunt edna's"?

How should I know?

I want to hear you at that climactic moment.

Rupert, just make love to me.

I'm trying.

Ok. Ok.

Ok.

What are you doing?

I'm checking for signs of life.

I see dilation of the pupil.

You're alive!

Get your finger out of my eye.

I finally got a response.

Rupert, there's something

I've got to tell you.

I want to hear this.

My god.

Rupert, there's someone watching us.

There is? Where?

You can't see him.

I get it.

You do?

There's someone behind the armoire.

Maybe guy lombardo.

Rupert, listen to me.

Rupert, that's not what I meant.

What the hell did you mean?

Rupert, I have something to tell you.

It will change our entire relationship.

God.

Are you listening?

I'm listening.

There's a ghost in this house.

There's a ghost right here

in this room with us now.

Are you having your period?

No, I'm not having my period.

Women don't go around seeing ghosts

when they have their period.

That's exactly what I would expect

a man to say.

I am a man, Kay.

You don't have to think like one.

I'm trying so hard!

I know. Darling, try the rational approach.

He isa scientist.

I know what you're thinking,

but please try to listen to me.

I'm listening, Kay.

What I've been seeing for the past few days

is not a figment of my imagination.

It is not a memory or an illusion.

It is a real and substantial manifestation

of a person who is no longer living.

That's great. That's fantastic, darling.

That's good.

Thanks.

I thought it was very good.

Rupert, what are you doing?

I just said I was in contact with a ghost.

Yes, you did.

A ghost that I know.

Yes.

A ghost that is in this room.

Don't just agree with me!

I'm not agreeing with you. I'm just saying yes.

You think I'm crazy.

Yes. No.

Be quiet.

What? What?

You were talking to the ghost.

Rupert. Rupert.

Rupert.

Rupert, I did not search him out.

Honestly. He contacted me

when I reopened the house.

Let me guess. He did this with his feet.

I never did that. That's disgusting.

It's jolly.

God help me.

Explain to him that I live here.

He lives here.

Because I died here.

Because he died here.

I'm talking about a ghost.

Rupert... A ghost!

Can't you prove yourself?

What?

What?

I was talking to jolly.

Can't you move a chair

or make a noise or something?

Yes, anything. A vase. I'm not picky.

Darling, I told you, no cheap tricks.

No cheap tricks.

Jolly, please don't do this to me.

Rupert!

If you don't want to marry me, just say so.

It isn't that.

It's no big deal. It's only a marriage.

You should ask your mother.

She goes through them like kleenex.

Jolly, say something!

Denise del florio.

What?

Say it quickly. Denise del florio.

Bye, Kay.

Denise del florio!

What did you say?

Denise del florio.

Why?

Jolly said to say it.

Well, what about her?

New year's Eve!

Caterer's daughter.

The caterer's daughter.

New year's Eve. The caterer's daughter.

She's the one, isn't she? Denise del florio.

How else would I have known her name

except that jolly told me? Thanks, jolly.

All right, hon.

Lucky guess.

Denise del florio is a lucky guess?

Not in a million years!

Maybe I said it in my sleep or something.

Sure, in between the guy lombardos.

Maybe I did, Kay.

Good night.

Ha ha! Boy, that's a nerd.

Well, I guess I've sort of complicated things?

I guess so.

I should go.

You should go away and leave me alone.

Forever.

And ever!

There's just no room in your life for me now.

None!

Ok, I'll go, then.

Jolly?

Jolly?

Please don't go.

5, 6, 7, 8.

What are you doing here?

Research.

Do you believe in ghosts?

Depends.

My fianceée has a ghost. Here.

Her first husband.

We're about to get married.

She conjures up the ghost of her dead husband.

I believe it.

I don't believe it.

Come on. Let's go in.

I gave back my key.

What key? Don't you remember?

Break in?

Tsk. Tsk. Break in. Sneak in.

Right here.

Here?

Yes. Just kick it.

Yes. I remember this.

Just a... just a little jab.

This, Rupert,

did you chase him like you chased me?

Like I what?

Chased.

I've had women

set their sights on me before,

but you were desperate.

I was not desperate.

I was... Determined.

Little higher.

Rupert chased me.

Was he determined?

Desperate.

This, fellow here.

You sure you should marry him?

Of course I'm sure.

I'm almost sure.

You can never really be sure

about a thing like that.

No, I'm not sure.

Who the hell knows? Why do you ask?

Her husband was a famous...

Broadway choreographer, jolly villano.

I always wanted to be able to dance.

Can you dance?

That's pretty good.

That's damn good.

Wait. Let me... How do you do that?

Da ba da ba da.

Da ba da ba da.

Da ba da ba da. Hey! That's right.

Yeah. You looking good!

What am I going to do, Henry?

About what?

About the ghost.

Maybe they should get a divorce

like everybody else.

That's it.

You're a genius! A divorce!

That's brilliant.

A divorce! Ha ha!

Keep the left foot moving!

Did you miss me?

Of course I missed you.

I was married to you for six years,

but I got over you.

You make me sound like a disease.

You are.

An incurable one.

What did you do when I died?

I buried you... I thought.

Were you sad?

No. I was never sad.

It's funny.

First you're too busy...

Too many things to do, too many details.

And then I guess it was

like three weeks later, maybe a month,

I was sitting in the study,

and I was reading something.

It was something

I thought you'd be interested in.

I got up and ran towards the rehearsal hall,

and I stopped on the stairs.

It wasn't until that minute that I realized

you were dead and what that meant.

Then, you were sad.

No, I was angry.

Angry? At what?

At you.

What did I do?

You died!

You went and died.

God, I hated you for that.

I hated you for going off and leaving me.

And just when I thought I had you behind me,

you had to show up here again.

I didn't want to die.

Well, I wouldn't have put it past you.

You were always grandstanding for attention.

Jolly.

Since you've moved back in he's appeared?

Since I reopened the house.

You and Rupert ought to get away for a few days.

I'll ask my shrink what we should do.

You don't understand.

I don't need a psychiatrist.

I've accepted him.

Accepted who?

Jolly.

I'm not asking someone to make him disappear.

The problem is I can't decide.

What?

Between them.

Rupert or jolly.

They have certain qualities,

certain things about both of them I like.

Together they make the perfect man.

I have to choose.

Kay, listen to me. Jolly is dead.

Ok, that's one thing in Rupert's favor.

He's alive.

I want some advice about a divorce.

Trouble with your wife?

No, no. No trouble at all.

In fact, I'm not married.

I'm getting married next Saturday.

Congratulations.

No, this divorce is for a friend.

Someone you know?

Very well. My fianceée, in fact.

The one you're marrying next Saturday?

Yes. I want her to divorce her first husband.

That's good thinking.

It's important to me.

It's important to most people.

I don't care about them.

This may seem odd to you,

but it's a hypothetical divorce I'm after.

Hypothetical divorce?

Right. I want her to divorce him to make a point.

What's the point?

Well, you see...

There's an aspect to this case

you probably haven't come across before.

Let me assure you I have come across

every conceivable twist to a divorce case.

Her first husband's dead.

I was wrong.

I had not come across everything.

Interesting twist.

Lawyers!

Give good money

to sit there and laugh at you,

treat you like you're crazy.

My fianceée is seeing a ghost. I've had it.

They work by heat, not by push.

I know how they work.

You got no body heat.

I have plenty of body heat.

Just because I'm not a Broadway dancer,

you think I have no passion?

Here's some.

There. Passion. Body heat.

Look at my feet.

You made us a local.

Give me a break.

So what did she tell you

about this apparition?

Just that he's here, and she's confused.

Trouble already?

Don't you have something to do?

With marriage and this whole new life,

this is a pivotal time for her.

What we need is a psychiatrist.

Psychiatrist? Already?

You're really pushing this, aren't you?

Listen, I am just trying to help.

Look, she needs you right now.

No, no. Little boy,

we mustn't sit on the chair.

Do you know why?

Because this is

a priceless piece of fine art

from another millennium.

You are a piece

of temporary plasmic rubbish

taking up space

on this already overcrowded planet.

Kendall, keep an eye out for this sort of thing.

Are you with someone? Let's find them.

Rupert, here's how I see it.

You represent reality. He represents fantasy,

but she needs your reality

to keep from going over the edge.

What am I going to do about him?

A him already?

Accept him.

Bust is ass.

Mind your own business, please.

You mean act as if he's really there?

Exactly.

I can't do that.

You love her, don't you?

Of course I love her.

Well, all right, then.

Must he sit in front?

I get carsick in back.

He gets carsick in back.

Carsick, yeah.

I feel like your chauffeur.

We should buy him a cute little hat.

What's so funny?

He says we should

buy you a cute little hat.

Come on, Rupert, loosen up.

You said we were going to have fun.

You're right. This is a new beginning.

We should get to know each other.

I love you... Both.

There's so much I want to ask.

Me, too.

Him, too.

I think it's wonderful

how Rupert's accepting all this.

I'm pretty wonderful.

Yes.

Jolly thinks so.

Terrific. That settles it.

All those in favor, say "aye."

Aye! Aye!

Aye.

Kay.

Tell him to act normal.

Jolly says just act normal.

Absolutely right. Exactly what I intend.

For us three to have a healthy relationship,

we have to say to hell with the world.

How many?

Two.

Three.

That's right. Three.

Remember, totally normal.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Hey, this is fine.

Thank you.

One for him, too, please.

Is this table ok?

What did he say, Kay?

It's fine.

He's happy.

I'll be back in a minute to take your order.

Rupert, we have to act careful

around other people.

Who's acting? Are you acting?

You're not acting, are you?

We have a ghost living with us.

We should treat him like anyone else.

Are you ready?

Yes. The lady will have... Coffee.

Is that all you want?

Coffee.

And you?

Nothing, thanks.

What did he say?

He said he's not hungry.

He said he's not hungry!

It's on me.

He gets carsick easily, so he sat in front.

Cheeseburger.

Wonderful. And I will have the grilled cheese plate.

That's right.

Tell me, how would he like his cheeseburger?

Medium rare.

Medium rare.

Hold the onions.

Hold the onions.

That'll be fine. Thank you.

That wasn't so painful, was it?

So tell me, what's it like being dead?

Rupert, people are beginning to stare.

Mom. Mom, that man's talking to a chair.

Billy, if he wants to talk to a chair,

that's his privilege.

But he's talking to a chair.

Your mother's correct. It's my privilege.

Many men have died horrible deaths

so I could do this.

So turn around, eat your food,

and thank god we live in this wonderful land.

Grilled cheese here.

Cheeseburger there.

So how are we going to arrange our time?

What do you mean?

There will be times

I'll want to be alone with you.

Him, too, I'm sure.

You know, there's,

there's something I'm anxious to know.

Is it possible for him to,

be familiar with you?

That must be very disappointing for both of you.

Let's go.

We haven't eaten our food.

Ok. Now can we go?

These little things must be ironed out.

Wrinkles, jolly old boy?

He's starting to annoy me.

You're starting to annoy jolly.

What did I say?

Isn't this beautiful?

Smell!

Have you told jolly this is where we met?

She told me.

I told him.

How did you find this place?

Emily and I were on a trip.

I thought you didn't like the country.

I love the country!

It was you that never liked the country.

I always loved the country.

You did?

Yes, I did.

Maybe I was self-centered.

Yes, you were.

I've changed.

It's amazing how death can change a man.

Kay, let me look at you.

Mrs. Reilly.

Rupert says you're getting married.

And to think you met here.

Violins please.

There's another young couple staying here,

the newmans, on their honeymoon.

There they are.

They look adorable.

Let's stick them on a cake.

Will you shut up!

I beg your pardon.

Nothing. Perhaps you could

show us to our room.

I'm really exhausted.

Of course, dear.

Excuse me.

You two aren't making this any easier for me.

Well, I'm having fun.

So am I.

I love it.

This is ridiculous, Emily.

I'm through with this silly charade.

It might make her snap out of it.

Me, too.

How long can I keep ordering cheeseburgers

for my fianceée's dead husband?

You have to be patient.

I've lost my Patience.

I've come up with my own plan...

The fight fire with fire approach.

I don't like this.

When we get back,

this will be straightened out.

Promise me you won't do anything rash.

I won't do anything rash. Goodbye.

Nightcap, sweetie?

Love it.

My god, it can't be.

What?

My god.

What's the matter?

I don't believe it.

It's Monica.

Monica who?

She's there.

In that chair.

What are you talking about?

Can't you see her?

No.

Kay, can you see her?

No.

Surely you can see her.

Wait. You can't see her.

I can't?

No, I just remembered. She's dead.

Who's dead?

She is.

Monica.

Is somebody there?

I... i don't see anybody.

He doesn't see anybody.

Who doesn't see anybody?

He can't see her, Rupert.

I don't see him.

It's Monica.

I think he's trying to make a point.

She was the first woman I ever loved,

and she died.

I'm gonna cry.

Just keep quiet.

We were engaged.

Why is it you never told me about her?

I didn't want to make you jealous.

What? What?

She's talking to me.

It's faint. Monica, talk to me.

There was never anyone there.

Don't stop. I'm getting to like this.

You're not the only person with ghosts.

No, but I know there is no ghost there.

Wait. I think I hear her.

This one's great.

Jolly can't see her!

Who's jolly?

Her dead husband.

Really?

It's like a bronte novel.

It's like a comic strip.

Don't fade! Monica, my ass!

Don't talk about her like that.

Let's stay out.

Listen to your husband, sweetheart.

Quit that laughing.

Some nice hot tea

would be appropriate right now.

Yes. Lovely. Lovely.

I can see right through you, buster,

and don't you think I can't!

You're making her up to make me a fool.

You're not making him up?

No, I'm not!

No, she's not!

It's simple. I'm a threat to his ego.

It's simple.

He's a threat to your ego.

Ego?

I had one of those.

That was before I fell in love with you.

Rupert. Rupert,

I can't take any more of this.

You should believe him.

Stay out of this!

This may happen to us when you die.

You see how silly all this is?

He admits that.

Shut up. You're so clinical!

You never did believe me.

It was one big joke.

No joke.

Humor the lady. That was the idea.

And keep you sane.

Wait. I think I hear Monica.

There is no Monica, you dumb bitch!

He called me a dumb bitch!

Well, you are a dumb bitch!

If you're like this, they'll lock you up.

Piss off, you pompous ass!

What did you call me?

You heard me!

Some nice hot tea for everyone.

Shove your tea!

I beg your pardon?

I'd love some hot tea.

You can't have any!

If you loved me, you'd try to understand

instead of trying to make fun of me!

I'm trying to help you.

Your husband is dead and gone.

He's boring me.

You're trying to find some way

of avoiding making a commitment to me

by using some damn corpse!

You're starting to annoy jolly.

Denise del florio. Say it.

Denise del florio.

Don't bring up

Denise del florio again, please.

He didn't sleep with her.

You didn't sleep with her.

I didn't?

He was watching guy lombardo.

You were watching guy lombardo.

Guy lombardo. I know him. I know guy lombardo.

He found his father in bed with her.

However, you found your father in bed w...

He did?

You did?

Your father was in bed with guy lombardo?

I never told anyone that.

It won't leave here.

Rupert. Is it true?

Well, it's true, but I never told anyone.

That's the most traumatic moment of my life.

You eat like a damn horse!

Your feet smell!

They do not. Do my feet smell?

It's true.

Jolly's here.

Congratulations, Rupert, old boy.

No more crap, mister.

You have a mouth like a sewer!

I'm going back to New York.

I'm going to take the car.

Fine.

You can take a taxi.

I'm going with her. Take a taxi.

From Connecticut?

You are cheap!

Honey, I'm going with you.

No.

I don't want to be with you either,

with any men.

Right on, sister.

This is ridiculous!

I can't believe this is happening!

She was telling the truth.

Jolly's been here all along.

My god.

One, please.

With everything.

Want a hot dog?

No, thanks.

Do you think it could be the devil?

You're opening up a whole new ball of wax.

That's dangerous stuff.

The only reason I ask is because you were a priest once.

Is it possible it's the devil?

That's a world I don't want to get into.

You must think I'm crazy, right?

Not crazy, you're just too inquisitive.

It's private stuff.

You do believe me, then?

I don't know, Dr. Baines.

Rupert.

Rupert. It does exist.

It's called by many different names.

Bartender, another one.

Let me pay for that.

Make it a double.

They call it Lucifer. They call it evil,

the demon, El diablo.

Jolly?

What?

That's what this spirit is called.

A demon is called jolly?

Can you handle it?

I don't know, Dr. Baines.

You see, my powers, my touch...

Technically, you always have it...

Once a priest, always a priest...

But they can go on you.

It's like a good fast ball.

One season you've got it. The next, it's gone.

There's no guarantee.

I just want you to try.

You don't know what you're getting into.

I'm willing to pay you.

Handsomely.

Handsomely?

I love Kay, Hugh.

I'll do anything not to lose her.

Cash?

You think I'm crazy.

I don't.

What do you call a woman who can't decide

between a dead husband and a live fianceé?

Very extremely confused.

Crazy.

You want my advice?

Go through with the wedding.

Suppose I... You love Rupert, don't you?

Yes, I love him.

Ok.

I think.

I don't want to spend my life comparing him

or sharing him with jolly.

It's not fair to either one of them.

I think the three of us... You, me, and jolly...

Should have a little confrontation.

About what?

Get him back here when I'm there.

There are things we should talk about.

What things?

Trust me.

I've got to redo my hair.

Where have you been? You'll never be ready.

Yes, I will.

There's a short circuit.

Call an electrician.

I aman electrician.

Where's Rupert?

He's coming.

Are you sure?

Yes.

Something happened. You had a fight.

No. We had a slight misunderstanding,

but he's apologized, and everything's fine.

I can see that.

Would you relax? Love your dress.

This is it.

Ready?

It says if you see a spirit, you do this.

What does that do?

It gets him soaked.

Remember, whatever you do,

nobody's supposed to know about you.

Right.

Be very nonchalant.

I gotcha.

Ok?

Ok.

Shhh!

For god's sake!

That's what you call being nonchalant?

I'm sorry.

Good evening, Dr. Baines.

Everything's ready for the rehearsal.

Rehearsal?

The wedding rehearsal.

The wedding rehearsal. Where's Kay?

She's upstairs changing. Excuse me.

Nice dog.

Play dead for about a year.

I found it.

Hello, Rupert. I found the short circuit.

Charlotte, I found it.

It's in the attic.

It's about time.

Who is he?

Who?

That man.

That man is the building inspector.

What building inspector?

You can't move back into a building

unless it's been inspected.

I'll work quickly. Hello, inspector!

See this?

It's a well-made wall, a good wall.

Everything running smoothly?

Fine.

No problems?

Charlotte, get me my flashlight.

What flashlight?

It's in the kitchen.

You get it.

I got work to do.

You don't know what you're doing.

Yes, I do.

Almost done now.

Charlotte, reverend Hollis is here!

My god! The reverend's here already.

Charlotte, the light, please.

Charlotte! Bring back that light!

Charlotte.

Charlotte.

Charlotte.

Charlotte!

Honey!

Charlotte.

I'm stuck!

Jolly says he only appeared because I wanted him to.

Is that true?

I don't know. Maybe.

If so, why did I wait until now...

Three years later

and the week before my wedding?

I don't know.

It's called timing, my love.

One of my many assets.

Timing was always one of your best assets.

Is he here?

Where?

He's on the bed.

Ok.

Hello, Emily.

Jolly says hello.

Hello, jolly.

God, she looks old.

Jolly says you look wonderful.

I wish I could say the same about him.

She doesn't believe in me.

She's giving us the benefit of the doubt.

You're getting the benefit

and I, the doubt.

Old.

What are you doing?

Just looking.

The book says the spirit

can inhabit any object,

animate or inanimate.

What's in here?

This is jolly's rehearsal room.

There he is. That's him.

Come out, you son of a bitch!

Shhh! Don't provoke him.

Let's get out of here.

Rupert.

Good luck.

Why is she so anxious to talk to me?

He wants to know

what you want to talk about.

Emily...

Things that I thought might interest Kay.

What sort of things?

For instance, is there guilt after death?

Can he have affairs in his new state?

I never thought to ask.

Nothing's changed, obviously.

What do you mean?

When he was alive, you kidded yourself.

Now that he's dead, face it.

What are you talking about?

His affairs.

Affairs with who?

Whom, darling. Affairs with whom.

All right, whom. Affairs with whom?

With me, for one.

It's good for openers.

What?

You had an affair with her?

It...

You had an affair with my best friend?

Emily, you had an affair with my husband?

I'm not proud of it.

I was just a drop in the bucket.

You had a bucket of lovers?

That's not a word I would have chosen.

What did you think he was doing on the road?

She's exaggerating.

Remember how he chose one young dancer

and nurtured her career?

Is that what you did? Every show?

No.

What show were you in,

or were you part of the intermission?

That's what it was, an intermission,

and then back home to Kay.

Who else?

This is hardly fair.

Who else? I want to know.

You can start any way you like...

Alphabetically, in order of appearance.

There was Janine.

Sweet little Janine? She was just a child.

No, she wasn't.

She wasn't old enough

to have a working permit.

I never asked.

I don't believe this.

Kay, stop lying to yourself.

You knew about his reputation

before you married him.

It went ahead of him like a parade.

Parade?

Did you honestly think

marriage would change him?

Yes, of course I did!

All right, there were times

when I had this feeling inside,

but I didn't want to think about it.

I don't believe it.

Who else did you sleep with?

You've slept with everyone you've had a meal with.

Kay.

Mother.

Who are you talking to?

Emily. Me.

You slept with every man you had a meal with?

Well, not every man.

Not every meal.

Certainly not breakfast or lunch.

Just dinners.

At restaurants.

Yes.

I think we should begin the rehearsal.

Great idea.

Great idea.

Bridesmaid, indeed.

I haven't finished with you yet.

That's fine.

Ok, I'm ready.

Where's Rupert?

I don't know. Rupert!

Here!

Here I am.

Fine. Coming downstairs is fine,

but you will end up on my right

and Rupert on my left.

This is only a rehearsal.

Will he be asking "are there any objections?"

Wait a minute.

There's something I have to straighten out

before we go any further.

I'll be right back.

Me, too.

False alarm.

Charlotte, come and have some champagne.

Hello?

Hello out there.

Jolly?

I know you're here.

Hello? Hello out there.

Hello?

Hello?

Is that you?

Of course it's me.

It's in the dog.

Could you get me out of here?

Is this your usual form?

Hey, I'm stuck in here.

What's it like where you come from?

Where I come from?

This is fascinating.

Is there much pain there?

No, but it's uncomfortable.

How about fire?

No, no. There's no fire.

Everything is just fine.

There were some sparks before, but no fire.

Sparks?

This is incredible.

Why are you here?

I'm here for the wedding.

Will you put that thing down?

You have the attention span

of a very small child.

Kay, darling...

Don't "Kay, darling" me. I've always hated it.

Every time you'd do something outrageous,

you'd turn to me and say "Kay, darling."

I hope what Emily said up there

didn't confuse you.

Confuse me? Why, no.

I was confused on my own.

We did have a great life together.

Yes, we did.

I'll have to remove you

with the power of almighty god.

I don't care what you use,

just get me the hell out of here.

I got him! He's downstairs.

He's in here.

The spirit?

He's in the dog.

The dog?

Of course.

That's why he's hated me so much.

Good luck.

I'm leaving.

You're leaving?

Damn it!

Now I'm the bad guy.

You don't like that?

No. Leading man, that's more my style.

I'm casting this one.

You've switched me to playing the heavy.

I haven't switched you to anything.

But for three years, I was the hero.

Yes, you were

because that's all I could see.

All I could remember about you

were the good things.

Suddenly you've come face to face

with my small weaknesses.

Small weaknesses? You call belonging

to the affair of the month club

a small weakness?

You now see me as the guy I really was,

hardly perfect and sometimes a stinker,

but pretty much like everyone else.

No black hat, no white hat.

I was... Jolly.

Jolly. Rupert... Rupert is Rupert.

And a wonderful guy?

Yes, he's a wonderful guy.

He may not be able to dance...

Possibly never will.

But he loves me, and I love him.

I want to get on with my life.

You have to leave.

There's no room in my life for you.

Right.

What?

Come back here, you miserable mutt!

I said right. That's fine with me.

I'll go.

Wait a minute.

I don't trust this.

You want me to believe that's why you came.

Why?

To help me, to make me understand things.

Be careful, Kay.

You'll accuse me

of doing something unselfish, and I do have

a reputation to consider.

Jolly, that would be just like you,

typical!

Turn this into a grand gesture.

I'm supposed to believe you came here

to help me get you off my mind, right?

Good luck.

Wait. You can't go. I'm right, aren't I?

Darling, have a wonderful marriage.

You deserve it.

I do?

Kiss me goodbye.

Kay, are you in there?

Jolly.

Mother.

Mother!

What?

I'm so happy.

Where's Rupert?

I saw him chasing the dog upstairs.

Emily.

Everything's all fixed up.

Get everyone ready for the rehearsal.

Ok, pal, ok.

Maybe I can't dance like you,

but you don't have

the market on passion cornered.

I happen to love that woman.

I'm marrying her tomorrow

because I love her!

Furthermore, I want you out of our lives.

I want you out because I'm sick

of your innuendo

and your meddling in our affairs...

Even if you did love her.

Now, I'm going to marry her,

and I don't want to hear

another word from you.

You got that?

Advance and begone!

It's Edgar. I'll kill him.

Something's wrong. Emily?

Watch out!

You see that?

I saw it!

You heard what I said?

I heard it.

Rupert, I have something to tell you.

Jolly... he's gone.

Jolly's gone?

Forever.

Rupert... i love you.

I love you, too.

Let's get on with the rehearsal.

I don't want the rehearsal. I want to get married.

Right now?

Right now. Can you?

Well, I suppose.

What about the guests?

We'll go through it again tomorrow.

That's very irresponsible.

Loosen up! It sounds like a great idea.

Well, get on down here.

Hoo-hoo! I'm coming!

Rupert. Rupert.

Call a doctor!

Get some water.

Perrier.

Charlotte. Charlotte, I fixed it!

I'm not talking to you.

The kid been drinking?

Hi.

Are you all right?

I'm fine.

Never felt better.

Rupert.

What's everyone staring at?

Let's get the show on the road.

Mom, how about some champagne?

I'd love it.

Kay!

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