All language subtitles for Josh s02e06 Close Up and Long Shot.eg

Can't believe you're making
me go to Abby's house-warming.

- You know my views on her.
- Yes, we all know you fancy her.

No, she just kept saying
that at university.

Well, to be fair, there was a
time you left her 26 missed calls.

I'd pocket-dialled her.

Yeah, the rumour was you fancied her so
much, your penis typed in her number.

That is not possible.

It is. My cousin Dirty Brychan can
unlock his iPhone with his old fella.

Turns out his thumb and
penis have identical prints.

No way that's true.

It is. It's how they caught
him for the burglary.

I don't even like her. She's the
smuggest person I've ever met.

Oh, God, I loved uni house parties.

Queuing for the toilet,
girls crying on the stairs,

using those little Mr Kipling
cakes as ashtrays - glorious.

- Mm...
- I'm going to start a game of spin the bottle.

We didn't play spin the bottle at uni.

Well, you might not have, mate. My
lips barely left the bottle arena.

Why do you think I got
through so much chapstick?

I'm not playing spin the bottle.

Well, we are, so it's up to
you if you want to join in.

Well, you play, I'll watch.

Oh, I forgot you were the
world's creepiest man.

Oi, oi, it is nostalgia central here.

Remember when I returned
a library book so late

- I had to sell the Game Cube?
- Yeah, it was my Game Cube.

Oh, it was everyone's Game Cube.

What are you doing here? Get in
the lounge where the action is.

No, no, we can't. They're all talking
about that true crime series, Dead Alibi.

How are we the only two
that haven't watched it?

I had to remove myself for fear
of being a victim of spoilers.

I already know the
sous chef didn't do it.

Well, of course the
sous chef didn't do it.

- He gets stabbed by a meat thermometer in episode three.
- Are you kidding me?

Guys!

- Hey, Abby!
- Hey, hey, hey.

What a great party!

- Oh, it's so nice of you to come.
- It's all right.

- Abby!
- Oh, Josh, good to see you.

And you. In the same way it's
good to see everyone, equally.

I can't believe you've moved
just round the corner from us.

Oh, well, my new therapy practice
is at the end of the road,

- so it's perfect for work.
- How's it going?

Retraining is the best
decision I ever made.

I mean, you know how I've
always had a bit of a talent

for knowing what makes people tick.

Well, I don't think anyone
knew what people were thinking

in the fog of university.

Good to see you again, Josh.

I think you're in there, mate.

MUSIC PLAYING

HUM OF CONVERSATION

- Oh, my God, Phillipa.
- Kate.

Hi.

Oh, what a pleasant surprise,
I was hoping you'd be here.

I mean, it's lovely to
see all my students again,

- but between you and me, you were always my favourite.
- Oh, my God. I knew it.

PHILLIPA LAUGHS

It's so nice to see Abby
doing so well, isn't it?

- She's probably just trying to make up for not being your favourite student.
- Oh!

So I trust you stuck with photography,
because you had such talent?

Oh, yeah, of course. I mean,
I'm never not taking photos.

My lens cap is never on.

In fact, to save time, I just
threw it away, took a picture

of it lying in the dirt.

So, what are you working on?

Oh, er, mostly sort of online work,

um, offline work, you
know, snap, snap, snap!

It never ends.

Because once you snap, you can't...

stap.

You know what? Hold that, I
would love to see your portfolio.

My company are always looking
for new photographers.

I mean, we mainly commission
shoots for high-end fashion.

Ah, the best end, if you ask me.

Yes! I've just come from the most
fantastic shoot with Claudia.

- Winkleman?
- Schiffer.

Yeah.

Now, are you free next week?

Um, I might have to ask my temp agency.

I mean, my agent, who is temporary.
"They work for you, Kate, remember that."

Ah!

So, when could you pop in?

I think I've got a window
on, erm, Monday afternoon.

- Sounds great.
- Ah! - PHONE RINGS

Oh, gosh, sorry, I've got to take this.

- It's Kate.
- Oh, Moss? - No, my baby-sitter.

Yeah, she spotted my talent early.

This is probably going to be
my big break, if I'm honest,

but don't worry, I'm not
going let it change me.

That's a pity, isn't it?

The thing with a career in the arts is,
you really have to want to create...

Look, this party is
rubbish. Can we just go?

Yeah, I should probably head home and
prepare a mood board and polish my lens.

I don't want to hear about
your sexual frustrations, Kate.

Did anybody order more nostalgia?

Then it is time to spin the bottle!

CHEERING

Oh, no, no, don't feel
we need to do this, guys.

- Come on, Josh, get involved.
- No, it's not really my scene.

- Oh, who invited Frankie Frigid?
- I'm not Frankie Frigid.

That's exactly what
Frankie Frigid would say.

Yes, that and, "Don't touch my penis."

All right, fine, let's do it.

Right, just before we get cracking,
erm, tongues are optional,

but it's an option I always take,

so if anyone's got any loose
fillings, do declare them now.

OK, spin the bottle, see
who gets to go first.

ALL: Ohh!

Looks like Frankie Frigid's
become Ugo Up-For-It.

- Ugo?
- No, you go first. Come on, spin the bottle, lover boy.

Stupid, what if I land it on you?

Knowing your post-uni love life,
odds are you'll land on yourself!

Josh, have you been
single since university?

No, I've had plenty of girlfriends.

Oh, you should've introduced
us to some of them, Josh.

All right, let's just
get this over with, OK?

ALL: Ohh!

- Ah... I understand...
- No...

- But that, that, that...
- No, it's OK, Josh, I'm not judging you.

No, but how could that be intentional?

Well, your single years have
given you quite the skilled wrist.

- Oh, that's cheap.
- Come on, we've got our first kissers of the evening!

Just get cracking. Kissers, kissers...

ALL: Kissers, kissers,

kissers, kissers,

kissers, kissers, kissers...

I think it's for the best.

Oh.

I can't believe she's still
going on about me fancying her.

Are you sure you don't? Because
we all saw what happened.

- I misjudged the spin.
- Oh, all right, Mike Gatting.

People seemed to think you'd rigged it
- there was talk of a weighted bottle.

Who suggested that?

Well, Abby did. I was the person
who started the WhatsApp group

- on how you might've done it.
- Unbelievable.

Mm, that's what people were saying
until I suggested the use of magnets.

Oh, I knew I shouldn't have gone to that
party, and I left my cardigan there.

Oh, well, we all know what that says.

Standard flirt's move.

Why does everyone think I fancy her?

Well, for a kick-off, you keep
bringing up that you don't fancy her,

which is a classic sign
of fancying someone.

Well, what am I going
to do? Say I fancy her?

I wouldn't do that, mate. If anything,
that will confirm her suspicions.

Well, you see my problem, then.

- DOORBELL RINGS
- Mm.

Only one play at spin the bottle, eh?

I told you, there was
too much peer pressure.

Of course there was, Zammo.

What would you say to mauve long johns?

- What?
- All right, how about plum flares?

- No.
- Oh, tricky customer.

Worry not, there's something
for everyone on Geoff's rail.

GEOFF CHUCKLES

How about a cowskin waistcoat?

Excuse me, Geoff, I'm trying
to watch Cash In The Attic.

Well, welcome to the live version.

I bring good news and
even better threads.

What?

The great thing about renting
to people of a similar size

and build to you is that they get
first dibs when you're clearing out

your wardrobe.

On that subject, is Kate around?

We don't want your hand-me-downs, Geoff.

These aren't hand-me-downs,
these are vintage.

Clearly. Just bin them, Geoff.

Well, maybe he could if
you took the bins out.

I told you, the heaping of contents
is yet to reach the required gradient.

Mm, trouble in paradise?

This isn't paradise, Geoff.

In that case, why have I got this?

Mm? No takers? How about this?

- Why don't you just give them to a charity shop?
- I'm not Bono.

There's gold in them there frills.

Yes, I've been sitting
on that all morning.

Is that why it's so creased?

Who's going to start the bidding?

Do I hear ?1 for the frilly shirt?
?1, ?1, ?1 for the frilly...

Oh, my God.

?1, thank you.?1.50, do
I hear? ?1.50, ?1.50...

Get out.

Thank you, sold to the man
with the blond straggly hair.

- PHILLIPA:
- Are you kidding me? These shots are yours?

Look at the lighting! They are
more overexposed than Rylan Clark.

Seriously, you should be
ashamed of yourself...

- Kate.
- Oh, yeah. - Thanks for coming in.

No, thanks for having me.
Oh, God, before I forget,

you will not believe how
that party on Saturday ended.

- Do you remember my housemate Owen?
- Kate, we're on work time now.

- Please focus.
- Oh, yes, sorry, focus, like a camera.

- So, portfolio?
- Yep.

PHONE RINGS

Oh. Jessie, speak to me.

Well, what do you mean she's dropped out?

Well, can't she take photos
with the arm that isn't broken?

How is it my responsibility?

I wasn't the one she was arm-wrestling.

Fine, tell them of course
I will find a replacement.

Kate, are you free to
do a last-minute shoot?

Er, yes, I am.

I haven't told you when it is yet.

Oh, right, yes, when is it?

Wednesday night.

Yeah, I can probably make that work.

Good. We need images for
a four-page profile piece.

Are you familiar with
Brazilian street music?

Er, is Dario G Brazilian?

- No.
- Then no. No, I'm not.

Right, Gabriella Luiz grew up in
the favelas of Rio de Janeiro,

she couldn't afford any musical
instruments so she had to learn

to create music from
things she found to hand,

you know, bin lids, brooms, etc.
Are you familiar with Stomp?

Is that the Blue Man Group?

- No.
- Then no. No, I'm not.

Right, we only have an hour
in the studio with Gabriella,

and she speaks very little English,

she hates being photographed and she has
a reputation for being incredibly awkward.

I mean, what's the most
difficult shoot you've done?

Oh, er, you know how they say never
work with children or animals?

Well, I once took a
photo of a baby on a dog.

Right, if she is being difficult,
do not let her push you around.

You have to take control. I'm
talking velvet glove, iron fist.

- Are you good at not being pushed around?
- Um, well, I...

- Because I think you are.
- Yeah, no, I'm brilliant at it.

TV ON QUIETLY

Shall we just skip this bit? We know
the kitchen porter didn't do it.

I thought that was the sous chef.

There's the off chance I might've
just googled the kitchen porter.

Can you please stop double-screening?

Don't worry, I can handle it.

I once watched Back To The Future
I, II and III at the same time,

I was in six different time zones.

I'm not answering your
questions if you miss something.

Don't worry, mate, I
don't need your help.

Remember, I'm the person who could cope
with seeing Marty McFly on a hover board,

sauntering into the saloon bar and
kissing his mother at the same time.

Look, can we please just watch this
without your constant interruptions?

OK.

Oh, the kitchen porter did a
porno. I wonder if I can find it.

Oh, for God's sake! Right, I'm
going to make a cup of tea.

I think you should go camomile,
mate. You seem a little stressed.

I am not stressed.

What the hell is this?!

Oh, we'd run out of bin bags, so
I, er, created a satellite bin.

- Why didn't you just buy more bin bags?
- I'll buy them tomorrow.

I think today our focus should
solely be on Dead Alibi.

How am I meant to concentrate on the
admissibility of forensic evidence

if I'm worrying about satellite bin bags?

- Don't think about them, then.
- You know I don't like bin gasses polluting the flat.

Oh, all right, David Icke.

Oh, did I tell you about the time
I shared an Airbnb with David Icke?

- What?
- The man is a perfect housemate,

although, interestingly, does
not believe in recycling.

His argument is, if the world's run
by 12-foot lizards, what's the point?

Look, can we just get the bin
bags and then I can relax?

Absolutely, no problem at
all, completely under control.

I've just realised I've
forgotten my wallet. Sorry, mate.

- Are you kidding me?
- Are you all right to shout me the bags?

- Only a couple of quid. I'll pay you back.
- You never pay me back!

- What about those festival tickets?
- It wasn't that long ago.

David Bowie headlined. Look, you go
back and get it and I'll wait here.

Oh, you are unbelievable.

It looked like I'd been
staking out her house.

Are you sure you don't fancy her? I mean,
all the evidence would suggest otherwise.

No, it's just been a series
of unfortunate events.

All right, Lemony Snicket.

If you want to make a move,
I've got loads of great tips.

Have you ever thought about
sending her a text message

that's supposedly for someone else?

Yeah, I tried that trick
once - worked a treat.

I hadn't heard from
my mum for six months.

One text, supposedly for Dad,
and there she was back in touch.

And there I was back in the will.

Truly heart-warming.

Anyway, I'd love to stick around
and talk about this all day

but I've got to go to work,

and then I've got a potentially
career-defining photoshoot

with a Brazilian street
musician to prepare for,

which I'm feeling...absolutely
fine about.

When was the last time you
actually did a photoshoot?

Well, there was that photo
of your nephew on the dog.

- He's now ten.
- In dog years?

No, my nephew. If you did that
photo now, he would flatten the dog.

OK, well, natural talent can't be taught

and I have the natural talent
of a favourite student.

Although, to balance that out, I am more
scared than I have ever been in my life.

Thank God I've got
that A in Spanish GCSE,

otherwise we wouldn't even
be able to communicate.

I mean, you do know in
Brazil they speak Portuguese?

Oh, God.

I could do with some photos
if you want to practise?

Really?

You never know when you'll
need a recent photo.

Personalised Christmas card,
landlord charity calendar,

image for the side of a milk
carton in case I go missing.

We don't have people on the side of
milk cartons here. We've got cows.

Who would report a missing cow?

What would be the point of
that? They all look the same.

No. Geoff, the, ah...

What? Are we not supposed
to say that any more?

I can't keep up!

TV ON QUIETLY

DOORBELL RINGS

Don't you dare put on Strictly
Come Dancing: It Takes Two.

You're not the most relaxed
box-set buddy, are you?

- Abby.
- Hi, Josh.

Er, I can explain about
yesterday, I was just...

I don't need to hear a
story, Josh. I understand.

- Good, I was worried that you...
- I know it must be difficult for you,

with me living nearby, but we have
to find a way to deal with this.

- But that isn't...
- Josh, this isn't going to happen.

- Right, is that everything?
- No, I've got your cardigan here,

just because I feel it is best if we
draw a line under that tactic as well.

It is not a tactic.

I thought you'd have left these
feelings at university, Josh.

No, they weren't at university.
I'm not in love with you.

You know, you don't need to deny it.

I'm not denying it.

You literally just denied it.

No, I was denying denying it.

Well, two wrongs don't make a right.

That doesn't make sense.

Love rarely does.

What does that even mean?

Look, I am fully trained in dealing
with this kind of infatuation

and the first step on the road to recovery
is you need to admit it to yourself.

I have nothing to admit, because
I'm not in love with you.

This was just a series
of unfortunate events.

Oh, Josh, you're not Lemony Snicket.

Look, I'm not going until
you're honest with me.

I am being honest with you.

Right, if I say that I was in
love with you at university,

will you leave me alone?

- If that's how you need to frame it, Josh, that's OK.
- Fine.

So...?

I was in love with you at university.

Good. That's an important first step.

- Well done, Josh. I'm proud of you.
- Thank you.

Look, I didn't feel that you
were ready to hear this before

but I have something to tell you.

I have started seeing someone.

Great, delighted for you.

I know that's a lie and I appreciate

you wanting to protect me
from your pain but, Josh,

it's time to stop loving me
and start loving yourself.

Mm?

All the best.

Brief warning - if you start loving
yourself too often, you will go blind.

Is that Anton du Beke?

Come on! Right.

KNOCK ON DOOR

- Yep.
- Oh!

Hello, Katie Kodak.

Hello, Geoff. Er, welcome.
So what are you after today?

I was wondering, would
you be able to drill down

and capture a really honest
portrait of humble old Geoff?

Er, sure. I mean, what
I normally do is, erm...

Or you could just take a load of
photos of me in different outfits

for eBay.

Er, yeah, no, that sounds good.

Pump up the jam

Pump it up, pump it up

Yo, pump it, pump up the jam, pump it

Pump it, pump it, pump it

Pump it up a little more

Get the party going on the dance floor

See, cos that's where the party's at

Well, that went pretty well. It
got your confidence up in the end.

Yeah. Just need to remember to
keep my thumb well out of the way.

- Easy to forget how big a thumb is.
- Yeah, right.

Particularly yours. I mean, half those photos
look like they're being photobombed by Ross Kemp!

All right, Geoff.

- No, I'm glad I was able to help.
- Yeah, no.

Well, thanks for doing this.

No. Thank you. If anything,
I should be paying you.

Ah, well, you still can.

Well, no, let's not
bring money into this.

It'd be a shame to spoil
a lovely experience.

Oh, before I go,

could we try just one more shot?

- Yeah.
- I was thinking,

go with me on this,

er, a straight-on shot of me close up,

cropped just below the shoulders
on a neutral background.

- Do you need a new passport photo, Geoff?
- Yes, I do.

Apparently you're not supposed to submit
a photo of yourself wearing a headband,

even though it was clearly me.
It had "Geoff" written on it.

I mean, there is a concern
a Brazilian street musician

will be more difficult
to photograph than Geoff.

Who do you want me to
practise on? Enrique Iglesias?

He's Spanish.

Oh, my God. Is everyone bloody Spanish?!

Good luck. Tuck in those thumbs.

- Why's she got a loaf of bread on her head?
- Have you taken the bins out yet?

Mate, I only just bought the bin bags,
now you want me to get rid of them!

- Why are you putting your coat on? Are you going out?
- Just for a few drinks.

We're meant to be finishing
watching Dead Alibi tonight.

If you go out, I'm going
to finish it without you.

That is fine by me, cos watching
a box set with you is hell.

It's like a night in
with Justin Lee Collins.

Anyway, probably for the
best you're staying in.

You'd never get into Bar
54 dressed like that.

These are my comfy, staying-in clothes.

You're dressed like
you're on your period.

Do you want me to get
you a slab of Galaxy?

- Oh, piss off!
- No problem.

When I get back, I'll do
you a hot-water bottle.

- Sorry I'm late.
- We have only got the studio booked for an hour.

You've already cost us five minutes.
That's 50 potential shots wasted.

Sorry, my Google Maps got confused.

This is the busiest
photography studio in London.

- Have you never been here before?
- Yes, I just got it mixed up with its sister branch.

- In New York?!
- Yes.

Right, Gabriella is
waiting for you in Delta.

She has all her instruments with
her, but she's on difficult form.

Delta? The studio we've booked.

Yeah, sorry, the reason I reacted
like that is cos I've done

so much work in Delta that I'm
now emotionally dead to it.

We are wasting more time.

- PHONE RINGS
- Claudia.

Winkleman? Oh, no, sorry.

Stop doing that. Right, erm... Hmm.

METAL CLATTERS

Hi, Gabriella, I am so sorry I'm late.

- WOMAN SPEAKS PORTUGUESE
- Yeah

WOMAN CONTINUES TO SPEAK PORTUGUESE

Oh, no, no. Please,
please don't leave, um...

KATE SPEAKS A MIXTURE OF
SPANISH AND PORTUGUESE

- WOMAN SPEAKS PORTUGUESE
- Please.

Cos this is a really big break for me,

so if you could just stick around.

If I could just pop you over onto
the stage. That's it, lovely.

Here we go. Whoop, whoop!

MUSIC ON TV

Shit!

Oh! Probably don't need flash
anyway. It's pretty bright in here.

OK. So...you look very engaging.

OK, so, um, what about with the broom?

El...broom?

Gracias, in Portuguese. Okey dokey.

Right, that's... That is lovely.

OK, and again, bang, bang.

There we go. Lovely. And again.

Oh, ah, crazy!

That is good.

Gabriella? The... The shoot has finished?

Pump, pump up the jam

Pump it up, pump it up

Yo, pump it, pump up the jam, pump it

Oh, we're in Rio now, baby.
I'm in Rio now, oh, oh!

Yeah, I'm really feeling
it. I'm really feeling it.

- Kate!
- Oh, this is great. Oh, hi, Phillipa.

Gabriella Luiz.

And that's Maria, the cleaner.

Pump up the jam, pump up the jam

Pump it up, pump it, pump it

Owen!

Oh, no, no, no, no, no. No, no!

SMOKE DETECTOR BEEPS No!

Owen!

Yo, yo, yo, yo. Sorry, you can't
come in if you're not wearing shoes.

No, I just need to go in to talk to my...

You're not coming in
wearing dinosaur feet.

- Who'd you borrow them from? Dr Ian Malcolm?
- Who?

He's Jeff Goldblum's
character from Jurassic Park.

But why would he have these?
He had a terrible weekend.

If anything, it would
just bring it all back.

He saw a lawyer get eaten on the toilet.

Did he see that? Wasn't he in
the car sheltering from the rain?

They weren't sheltering from the rain,
they were sheltering from a T rex.

Another point - who drinks water from
a glass when they're in a car? No-one.

No, I think what they were...
Why are we talking about this?

I need to talk to my flatmate urgently.

Oh, really?

Yes, I'm locked out and
my sausages are smoking.

Oh, the old "I've been locked out
and my sausages are smoking" routine.

If I'd had a pound for every
time I'd heard that excuse,

I'd be able to open up a theme park on
an island where we'd serve bottled water.

Now jog on.

Owen!

Owen!

MUSIC OVER CONVERSATION

Owen!

Owen! Oh, come on. Owen! Owen!

Owen! Owen!

No, no, no, no, no.

No, it's not...

SIREN WAILS

Oh, my God! Is that a
fire engine? My sausages!

MUSIC: Life in A Northern
Town by Dream Academy

You're a terrible friend. I don't
think you should be kissing Abby.

- Oh, sorry, mate. Do you like her? You should've said.
- No, I don't like her.

- So, I don't see what the problem is, then.
- Well, there isn't a problem.

- Well, good, unless you fancy her.
- No, I don't fancy her.

So what's the problem? Cos there's
only a problem if you fancy her.

No, the problem is that
you were kissing her.

- What? Because you fancy her?
- No. - That's the problem?

- No, I don't fancy her.
- Well, that's absolutely fine, then, isn't it?

If you don't fancy her, I can kiss her
and we can carry on with our lives.

- Yeah, no problem.
- Good.

To be honest, considering
you don't fancy her,

you talk about her an awful lot.

Hey, ma, ma, ma

Doo-doo, ai-ai

Hey, ma, ma, ma

Hey!

Hey, ma, ma, ma

Doo-doo, ai-ai

Hey, ma, ma, ma

Doo-doo, ai-ai

Hey, ma, ma, ma

Doo-doo, ai-ai

Hey, ma, ma, ma

Hey, ma, ma, ma

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