All language subtitles for Josh s02e02 Share and Share Alike.eng

Mate, it is the tightest thing
I've ever seen in my life.

No, we're going for a curry
and to the pub,

and I'm already in my overdraft.

- It's common sense.
- Oh, come on!

Nobody saves money by microwaving
their own poppadoms at home.

I bloody love this place, though.

The only good thing Geoff
has ever done is recommend it to us.

Do you know, it is Emma Bunton's
local Indian?

- No way! Have you seen her in there?
- Ha! And the rest, mate.

- We had a meal together there once.
- Yeah, course you did, mate(!)

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Do you know what?

Me and Emma Bunton had more in
common than you'd think, actually.

Cast-iron stomachs
being one of those things.

Just became a night of one-upmanship
in the end, you know,

a race to the top of
the Scoville scale.

She won, though.
Got to hand it to her.

She ate a rogan josh
that was 100% chillies.

How is that still a rogan josh?

Do you know what Spice Up
Your Life is really about?

- What?
- The versatility of tamarind.

- No, it isn't!
- And if you play it backwards,

there's some very derogatory
things about peshwari naan.

Good to see business is booming(!)

Well, I guess most people are still
at home microwaving their poppadoms.

Hello.

- Hey.
- Oh, hello, mate. Hi.

Er, we reserved a table under
Owen James.

Booked it about a week ago.

Er, James is J-A-M-E-S.
Owen is, er...

We don't have you. Sorry.

Hey, are you a comedian?

Oh, yeah, yeah. I am, yeah.

It's just, I saw you at the Chuckle
Lounge last week and it wasn't obvious.

[OWEN LAUGHS]
Oh!

Your performance had more
dips than a poppadom tray.

Yes, good one.

That's a good review. You should
try doing stand-up yourself.

- Well, if he can.
- Look, have you got a table or not?

Yeah, sure. Er, just sit anywhere.

Oh, OK. Mm...

Too romantic, too draughty,
too near the window.

Now, when it comes to toilet proximity,
I don't really mind it, actually.

- Look, shall we just go there?
- Oh, yeah, fine, OK.

- Thank you.
- Thank you very much.

Large Cobra, 660 mils -
that's more than a pint.

Do you want to share a...?

I'm not sharing a Cobra.

Can we order some drinks, please?

- Yeah, can we get some drinks?
- Extra chutney, as requested. Enjoy.

- Thank you very much, mate.
- See you later.

Oh, well, that's the most amazingly
racist thing I've ever seen.

No, I wasn't being racist.
It was just where he stood.

It was nothing to do with race.

Oh, yeah, so if he'd been white,

- would you have still ordered drinks?
- Yes.

Yes, right, OK.

Oh! Go on, then.

Oh, no, no, no, no, no.

Oh, there you go. Point proven.

Do you not recognise who that is?
Danny and Natalie from university.

- They're the most annoying couple
in the world. - Oh, yeah, so it is.

Please don't see us.

Come on! Looks like I've gone
for a curry with Dumbo.

I can't believe they've been
together since uni. That is amazing.

I mean, did she not hear about him
constantly shagging around?

It was the talk of halls.

Well, that and the time you got
caught naked in the laundry room.

That wasn't true.

People said you tumble-dried
your penis,

- you know, that's why it's so small.
- It doesn't even make sense.

If I got in the tumble dryer,
all of me would've shrunk.

Well, that was the other rumour.

Anyway, he wasn't cheating
on her. She was in on it.

- They're in an open relationship.
- No?! - Yes.

That's not a thing
in real life, is it?

Course it is, you Victorian square!

News flash do you realise people kiss
with tongues nowadays? And they love it.

No, they were both at it.

Do you not notice how she spent
all her spare time with Ben Green?

Er, they were badminton
doubles partners.

Oh, wake up, Queen Victoria! That
means that they were shagging.

No normal people are actually
badminton doubles partners.

Me and Kate were
badminton doubles partners.

Yeah, well, my point stands.

No, I'm sorry, I don't buy it.

Although, do you reckon
that's why she was always

so weirdly touchy-feely with me?

What, you?!
[HE LAUGHS]

Good one, mate. She's in an open
relationship, not on heat.

No, she's just one of those people
who's weirdly tactile, you know.

Yeah, tell me about it. She was
always squeezing my cheeks.

I'm jowly, and she took
full advantage.

- Jowly Josh.
- Isn't that an Indian meal?

Oh, mate, you need to leave it
with the racism.

Do you know what? We should join
tables, catch up on old times.

No, no, no, no, no.
I'm sorry, I don't want to spend

my evening putting my
car keys in a bowl.

They're not swingers, and you
haven't got a car, anyway.

I'm going to go for a piss, yeah?
Mine's a small Cobra.

Yeah, I know what it is -
you tumble-dried it, mate.

Where are you?

I'm two minutes away.
Can you order me a beer?

No, not at this exact moment, no.

[TOILET FLUSHES]

Why the hell would you answer the
phone? That is disgusting.

- What?
- I might hear things.

- What things?
- 'Grunting.'

- 'I'm not Monica Seles.'
- Plopping.

Plopping? Did you actually
just say "plopping"?

I mean, how dehydrated do
you think I am?

Oh, you're disgusting. What if I'd
been FaceTiming you?

Kate, the only people that FaceTime

are long-distance lovers and mums
who've pressed the wrong button.

- They're big crisps.
- Yeah.

- Poppadoms.
- Yeah...

Hello, mate. Over here!

Oh, bollocks.

[LAUGHTER]

I can't believe we didn't see
you come in.

I know! Nearly missed out on
an evening with little Joshie.

- Yeah!
- Oh, look at that little face!

How I've missed it.

It's hard to miss it.
Look at the size of it!

I know. He is malleable.

Look at that -
it's like a Tempur mattress.

Well, thank God
Owen came over and said hi.

- Yeah, thank God. - I can't believe
we've not seen you guys since uni.

- No, amazing.
- I mean, you boys were hilarious.

Oh, so funny.

What did you used to call them?
Ant & Dec?

- No, Dick and Dom.
- In the bungalow!

So, what have, er, university's
favourite power couple

been up to since we saw you last?

Well, she's moved the
D-bomb into her house.

Yeah, it gets her parents off her
back a bit about settling down.

- He loves it really.
- Oh, I do, I do.

I get to talk to this one
around the house all day long,

and in the evening, I get to call
her on Babestation.

He's joking. He can't afford the
premium numbers.

I thought I recognised you, Natalie,
or certain parts of you, anyway.

- You dirty bastard, Owen!
- Oh, I'm joking.

Oh, join in, Joshie!

Yeah, come on. Join in, Josh.

Right, I'm going to go for a fag,
cleanse the palate. Nat, coming?

Er, Josh, do us a favour.
When the, er...

- When the waiter comes over,
can you order for us? - OK.

- The usual? - Yeah, sounds good.
- Lamb balti, chicken vindaloo.

- Two pilau rice, two naan.
- One garlic, one peshwari.

- OK.
- Aloo chana, aloo gobi, Bombay aloo.

- Two saag aloo?
- Yes, please.

Thanks, babe.

That is an absurd over-order -

two mains, two rices, two naans,
five separate potato dishes.

Oh, he's always been flash.

I am not splitting the bill. I am
not paying for his spud binge.

Maybe he should've boiled
his own potatoes at home.

Also, who orders a rice
and a naan each?

Just share like normal people.

Well, you'd think with their
lifestyle, they'd be up for sharing.

I can't believe you pushed the
tables together.

Well, it's not my fault, mate.
We just caught eyes.

You went over to them.

Yes, and that is when we
caught eyes.

Anyway, I dunno why you're
complaining.

I was wrong. Natalie definitely
fancies you all that hair ruffling.

- It's like she's prepping you
for Crufts. - Oh, come on!

Seriously, mate. I can't believe it
either, but you are in there.

I don't want to be. Her boyfriend's
sat right there.

- All right, Sir Robert Peel.
- What?

I'm just reiterating that you're a
massive Victorian prude. Just accept it.

That is how they live their life.
They live their lives to the max.

I wouldn't be surprised if they've
gone outside just to have it off.

- Don't be ridiculous. - Yeah, well,
that was Danny's tactic, wasn't it?

Get somebody outside,
you know, one-on-one,

you know they're up for something
more than a cigarette,

cos the cigarette represents a penis,

and then the mouth
obviously represents the...

- You know what the mouth...
- Yeah, I get it, yeah.

Do you want to know
what smoke rings represent?

- No, I'm OK.
- I'm so sorry I'm late.

I couldn't find my wallet anywhere.

- Are you all right to shout me this?
- Yes. - No.

You're not going to believe
who I saw outside.

Danny and Natalie.

Yes! God, it was awkward.

Why was it awkward?
They're an absolute hoot.

Oh, surely I've told you this?

Basically, I bumped into Danny
on a night out last year,

and cut a long story short,
we slept together.

- Ah, inevitable.
- You slept with Danny?

Oh, chill out, Benjamin Disraeli.

- Yeah, there was nothing dodgy about it.
- He wears an Alice band.

Yeah, he takes it off.

We were just in the same nightclub
and we were just, you know,

flirting a little bit, and I was...
I was teaching him this trick,

which is basically like a high five,

but you watch the elbows as you walk
past and you come down, do low five.

Bam-bam.

Bam-bam. You know the one?

- Yeah, yeah, the turbo five.
- Yeah. Basically, like,

after the low five, he held on to my
hand and we went home and had sex.

It's a tale as old as time.

Yeah. I mean, it was fine.

He was very clear they were in
an open relationship.

- Oh, you see? He has carte blanche.
- Oh!

He did not have carte blanche.

I was very clear in the club about
what I would and wouldn't do.

Bloody hell, you guys are already up
and running, aren't you?!

Oh, God.

Oh, no. Please tell me
you're not sitting with them?

It wasn't my fault.
We just... caught eyes.

Oh...

I know what I like. I haven't used
a menu for ten years.

- No way!
- Believe it, brother.

I like everything on here,

but then with my steel stomach,
I've got carte blanche.

What about you, Kate? Are you up for
everything? Same for you, Danny?

- You got...? You got carte blanche?
- I love India.

I think visiting really had
a profound effect on me.

Well, you lost half a stone.

Look, the thing about India is,
she - and she is a she -

really spoke to me, and it's
a conversation I'm still having.

- Endlessly.
- What did you think about the food?

Oh, I mean, I loved the food,
but I can handle my spice.

Whoa, what are you on about?

You break into a sweat
when you have a Peperami.

Hey, Nat, get this -
Kate's been to India as well.

Oh, the experiences you two have
got in common, eh?

- So, did you enjoy India, Natalie?
- Oh, loved it.

- Absolutely loved it.
- What did you think of India, Danny?

He didn't go.
I, er, travelled solo.

But it's great, cos you just get there
and you meet people and you buddy up.

[LAUGHTER]

I'd be really good in India, I think.

- No, you wouldn't.
- Well...

Yes, I would. You know,
steel stomach.

Interesting fact for you, though.

The only Indian food I cannot
cope with - mango chutney.

Oh! Too sweet?

Absolutely not. No, no.
I had an awful experience.

I was having a late-night biryani,

and who should walk in -
three fifths of Spandau Ballet.

- DANNY: Top boys, yeah.
- Yeah, yeah, absolutely.

But cut to ten minutes later,

Martin Kemp throwing up
a whole ramekin of the stuff.

- No. - Awful. Awful, yeah. I mean,
in fairness to him, he'd had

a bad poppadom, it's happened to
all of us, but still.

- Bless him. Bless him.
- Horrendous scenes.

- That didn't happen.
- It did, mate, cos believe it or not,

some people have their
poppadoms in the restaurant.

- Ready to order?
- Yep, yep. So, er...

- Lamb balti, chicken vindaloo...
- Two pilau rice, two naan.

One garlic, one peshwari.

- Aloo chana, aloo gobi, Bombay aloo.
- And two saag aloo.

So, set menu D?

Sir?

Er, could I get the vegetable korma?

[DAN SNIGGERS]

And is anyone up for
sharing a naan?

No? I'm happy to go
peshwari, garlic or plain?

OK, would anyone like to
share a rice?

Happy to go mushroom,
pilau or boiled.

No takers?

- Do you do a half rice?
- No.

- It says here you do a children's
rice. Could I get the...? - No.

Oh, actually, Josh, you can come
in on my rice, if you want.

I'll get a whole rice for myself.

And, um, if I can't finish it,
can I get a doggy bag?

And you, sir?

Er, could I have plain naan, plain
rice, and chicken vindaloo, please?

Can you make it extra spicy?
I want to feel the burn.

Oh! Sorry about my Western
Philistine friend.

Um, for me, er, what curry are
you making for the staff today?

Think I'll have that.

Staff curry's always the best curry.
It's made in the true Indian way.

The other stuff on the menu's just
softened for the Western palate.

You know, stuff like
chicken vindaloo.

Can I change my order
to what she's having, please?

But can you really, really not hold back?
Um, sort of make it hotter than hers.

Brave man. You'll be dying on
your arse tomorrow.

Much like your friend
when he goes on stage.

[ALL LAUGH]
Yes, I get it.

If only the audience had.

- Oh, yes!
- Yes, good one.

So, is that all?

Actually, I'll get mine
with a side of mango chutney,

which any Indian food
connoisseur loves.

Coming right up.

[PHONE RINGS]
Oh.

Yep. Got to get this one.
It's my tailor.

Having some condoms loosened.

[ALL LAUGH]

I'll leave you guys to mull over how
big it is, but just to give you

a clue, when I go camping,
needs its own sleeping bag.

[ALL LAUGH]

She knows.

He's joking.

We never go camping!

[ALL LAUGH]

Anyway, it's not about size, is it, Josh?
It's what you do with it that counts.

[LAUGHS]
I dunno.

Got any views on, er, what size
Danny's condoms are, Kate?

Er, I'm just going to nip to the loo,
actually, before the food arrives.

Yes, me, too, actually.

Oh, cheer up. I was only joking.

You know that no-one really believed
the rumour about the tumble dryer?

- That's a relief.
- And, er,

what does your girlfriend think of
the tumble dryer story?

I don't have a girlfriend.

Oh! Little Joshie!

Well, look, remember, romance
could be just around the corner.

- That's nice.
- Could be anyone.

Could be somebody here
tonight, even. Boop-boop.

I dunno why people even go to India.

I mean, if it's a tan you're after,
I got this from Boots for 30 quid.

Plus, got one of their chicken tikka
sandwiches,

so I was practically there anyway!

So, what brings you guys here? You
haven't moved to the area, have you?

Well, we actually came to this restaurant
ten years ago, on our first date.

- No way! Is this your 10th anniversary?
- BOTH: Yeah.

Oh, well, how about a bottle of
champagne? It's on us, isn't it, guys?

Or... better idea. Prosecco.

I saw a blind taste test
on This Morning

and Holly Willoughby actually
preferred the prosecco.

Yeah, it's fascinating.

One bottle of champagne,
please, waiter!

Actually, because it's your special
day, we shouldn't impinge.

- No, we'll leave you to it.
- Yeah, of course. My God, so rude.

No, no, no, no. The more the
merrier, that's our attitude.

Yeah! After ten years together, we
tend to get bored of each other!

- Oi-oi!
- Don't worry, I've got this.

- Does anybody have a samurai sword?
- No, Owen.

OK, I'll go traditional, then.

Oh, you're kidding.

No, no. I, er, sliced open
a whole magnum in '08.

Flew over to Tokyo to play the new
Mario Kart a day ahead of release.

No, I mean, look who it is.

Hello. I'm here to pick up
an Indian takeaway for one

under the name of Geoff Jeffries.

Oh, God, keep your heads down.

- Who's that?
- Shh!

[CORK POPS]
[CHEERING]

- All right!
- Hello, guys.

- Hello, Geoff.
- Don't open the champagne on my accord.

Do you fancy a glass?

Well, I was looking forward to a
Saturday night of chicken dhansak

and Michael Portillo's
Great British Railway Journeys,

but I suppose the
East Coast Mainline can wait.

Where shall I sit?

I mean, he must travel
off-peak, or book in advance,

otherwise his rail fare
would be astronomical.

Thinking about it,
he must book off-peak,

because he always manages
to get a seat to himself.

I've never seen him sat
in the vestibule.

Sorry, who is Michael Portillo?

Ha!

You know, he explores Britain on a
train. He's married to Diane Abbott.

He wears bright trousers
and he's got a squidgy face.

Well, he's not the only one
with a squidgy face!

Marshmallow man!
Room for another one there, Josh?

- No, absolutely not. No. - Oh, go on,
mate. It's our anniversary. Come on.

- Ah... It's your anniversary?
That's lovely. - Yeah, ten years today.

- Congratulations. I once spent an
anniversary here. - Oh, really?

- Yeah. Painful memories.
- Oh. Are you not with her any more?

I wasn't with her on the night.
She didn't turn up.

I dined alone...
[HE SIGHS]

...with just my memories
for company.

Oh, well, sorry to hear that, mate.

I ordered a dish for every month
we'd been together.

Chicken dhansak, naan bread...

You were only together two months?

Yeah, it was lucky, really.
I wasn't that hungry.

- That's everything.
- Thank you.

Right, let's dig in, shall we?

- I think we may have over-ordered
again, Nat. - Do you think?

No, feel free to just tuck in, guys.
We've got loads of food here.

OK. Thank you.

I haven't been this excited
about the potency of chilli

since I had Ivan Zamorano
at France '98.

- Oh, want some mango chutney, Owen?
- Oh, get away from me.

- Oooh! - No, seriously, Kate!
I told you about Martin Kemp!

Oh! Can't handle his chutney
doesn't bode well.

Good luck with the chef's special,
mate. That should be interesting.

All right, bring it on.

Oh. Knife and fork - so Western.

You know, in India they actually eat
with their hands? Nature's fork.

Ow.

I am pretty sure they use a
bread for that, though, Kate.

I made that mistake in India

when I was down there exploring
the buy-to-let market in Mumbai.

I, er, ended up burning my palms.

I mistakenly dipped straight into
a saucepan of tarka dhal.

I couldn't high five for a week.

Tell you who's got a good
high five trick, is Kate.

- Er, has she shown it to you, Danny?
- Mm?

Owen! Stop with your
delaying tactics.

- Too scared to try your curry?
- No.

Mm.

Mm! Oh!

Oh, that is lovely.

Yeah, that's really nice. Mm.

- Are you all right there, Kate?
- Mm. Yes, that is...

That... That is lovely.

I'm just going to have a little
bit of mango chutney with it,

to bring out the spices,
cos I'm loving it so much.

Actually, I'm just going to have
a whole spoonful, just to really...

You OK there, Kate? You're really
working up a sweat.

It's not the first time
that's been said!

Yeah... No, I'm fine.

Give it up, Kate.
This is pathetic.

Yeah, seriously, Kate, I think
you just dripped in your curry.

- Everything OK with your meal, guys?
- Yes, absolutely lovely, thanks.

Yeah, this is lovely.

But can I get...?
Can I get a pint of mulk?

- What, sorry?
- Pint of mulk.

- I think she's trying to say milk.
- A glass of milk?

Pint.

Oh, dear.

No, actually, cos it's traditional,
cos cows are sacred.

Right.

So, Geoff, how do you know the good,
the bad and the ugly, then?

I'm their landlord.

Oh, of course. So you're responsible
for all the mod cons?

Do they have a tumble dryer?

I'm constantly round there fixing it.

Well, that can happen if you don't
use it properly, Josh.

I had to take it apart to remove his
inhaler from it the other day.

Oh, is that what you call it?

Well, I call mine my puffer.
Well...

Geoff, just leave it, OK?

One pint of milk.

Can I get another
glass of milk, please?

Oh.
A palate as weak as your act.

[LAUGHTER]

Oh, Kate!

That is embarrassing.

No, it's not embarrassing, actually,

because, actually,
when I was exploring in...

Oh, give it a rest, Ravi Shankar!
You were never exploring India.

You went on a two-week holiday with
your parents when you were 15.

You had to leave after 48 hours cos
a chapati gave you the squits.

- That is not true!
- Yes, it is.

It was a pakora.

Hey, I'll tell you who can, er, cope
with his hot curry. Rick Wakeman.

Right, I've had enough of your
celebrity curry night shit.

No-one believes you.

Oh!

Hashtag awks.

Yeah, I'm sorry about that,
guys. Sorry.

Hey, it's all right.
Everybody gets stressed.

Do you know what? Why don't you come
outside for a cigarette with me?

It might calm you down.

No, it's... it's not really
my thing, sorry.

All right, well, you know where we
are if you fancy it. Danny?

Yeah, yeah.

Ooh.

See?

You are seriously in there,
mate. I told you.

And it's your fault.

I just came out for a reasonably
priced curry with friends,

and I have to spend my evening
fending off Natalie the man-eater.

Well, I'm sorry
to disappoint you, Josh,

but I think you'll find Danny and
Natalie are in a relationship.

In an open relationship, Geoff.

Yeah, well,
it's important to be open.

No, they sleep with other people.

- In a dorm?
- Why would they sleep in a dorm?

Saving money for a deposit?

If you're in a healthy, open relationship,
that is the obvious next step.

No, Geoff, they have sex
with other people.

Well, you just... you just said
they were in a relationship.

No, that's what an open
relationship is.

Danny had sex with Kate last year.

Yeah, and Josh is going to
have sex with Natalie tonight.

No, I am not. Although there's
nothing she'd like more.

So you and Kate are
in open relationship?

BOTH: No!

Oh.

Danny and Natalie
are very tanned, aren't they?

- They're fake tans, Geoff.
- Sorry?

It's sprayed on.

Well, I thought you weren't
supposed to do that any more,

I thought it was meant
to be offensive.

I learnt that the hard way
at a fancy dress party.

I went as 200-metre runner
John Regis.

No, not like that, Geoff.

Bit of a gamble coming in here,
of all places, like that.

Shh, here they come.

So, er, Michael Portillo had to get
a rail replacement bus service.

No, I'm... I don't remember
that episode.

Have a naan bread, Natalie.

- Oh, no, I'm already, thanks, babe.
- No, go on.

- No, I said I'm fine.
- Please.

No.

Peshwari.

All right.

Oh...

Now, ten years ago to this very day,

I met the most wonderful
woman in the world.

- The Queen?
- Geoff!

I was hoping to do this as a one-on-one,
but it is with unexpected joy

that I get to share this
moment with friends.

Natalie...

will you do me the honour
of becoming my wife?

- Of course I will!
- Yes!

Wow. Well, this calls
for more champagne, I think.

Or we could just get prosecco?

This is lovely!
To Danny and Natalie.

- Cheers!
- To Danny and Natalie.

Woo-woo-woo!

I must say, I can't imagine being in
an open relationship myself,

but each to their own.

Sorry, why do you think
we're in an open relationship?

Oh, no, Josh told me.

Sorry, Josh, why do you think that?

Well, you are, aren't you?

Er, no. Course we're not!

- But that's what Owen told me...
- Hey, don't drag me into this, mate!

So, you're not going to sleep
with Natalie?

Sorry, mate. You thought you were
in there with my fiancee?

No, this is just a misunderstanding.

Why would you say that?

Because you're so...

touchy-feely.

I am just a very tactile person.

I can't believe you think I'm the
sort of girl who'd sleep around.

All right, well, what about
earlier when you said

I might find romance with
someone here tonight?

Clearly, I was talking about Kate.

Open your eyes!

She's the only person from uni
as famously single as you are.

What, so you and Kate are together?

BOTH: No!

Right, let me get this straight.

You were in an open
relationship last year, Danny?

- What?!
- I mean, Kate slept with you.

I'm just trying to catch up.

[HE CHUCKLES]

- What did he say?
- Don't listen to him.

- Yeah, well, why would he say that?
- Well, I don't know. He's probably...

Josh probably lied to him when he
was bragging about

how much you fancied him.
I dunno what his problem is.

Don't you get all judgey
with me, mate.

I'm not the one who's been
shagging around since university.

I just can't believe Kate fell for your
story about being in an open relationship.

Kate?

Did you sleep with Danny?

Um...

Well...

Mm... No...

No, you see the thing is, he said
you were in an open relationship.

Come on, babe.

Nat! Nat!

[KATE GASPS]

Oh! Oh, God!

Oh, God, it's spicy.

Well, maybe some milk
will help.

Natalie!

[CRUNCHING]

Well, that was a short engagement.

I'd give it a couple of days before
you make your move, Josh.

She'll need time to heal.

Anyway...

...best be off.

I have a date with Michael Portillo.

Not literally, obviously.
We're not in an open relationsh...

Just watch the milk.
It's a bit slippery.

Well, you do bring these
things upon yourself, Kate.

- Piss off, Owen.
- Whoa!

[OWEN COUGHS AND GAGS]

No, no, no, no, no.
No, Owen, don't! No!

Oh, what did I say?!

Oh, God! Owen!

Aloo chana, aloo gobi,
Bombay aloo, two saag aloo...

We didn't order these.
Those two weren't with us.

So, why were you sitting with them?

- Poppadoms - I had mine at home.
- Nobody does that.

And what's this charge
'meal upgrade'?

The old guy, he paid
to take away, then ate in.

This is unbelievable.
Two bottles of champagne!

If you ask me, you should've ordered
prosecco. Tastes just as good.

Are you familiar with Holly Willoughby?
She done a blind taste test...

Yes. Look, we are going
to need to split the bill.

Can you go and get Owen?

No, I checked on him a minute ago.
He's still chucking his guts up.

Right, well,
we're splitting it two ways.

Oh, sorry, like I said,
I've lost my wallet.

You're going to use this
in one of your skits, aren't you?

No.

You should. Can't hurt.

MUSIC: Spice Up Your Life
by the Spice Girls

Oh, I feel so much better for being sick.
Are you two still up for the pub?

- Absolutely not. - No.
- Oh, all right, then. Suit yourself.

- Emma!
- Owen!

- Hello.
- How are you?

- I'm all right. How are you?
- Yeah, good. Nice to see you.

See? Do you fancy joining me
for a hot one?

Definitely, cos, er, I've just
made a bit of room, actually.

- Great. - Shall we?
- Yeah. Hi.

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