All language subtitles for Josh s01e03 Wedding and Waiting.eng
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1
00:00:02,600 --> 00:00:04,630
- Hmm. You know why the Guinness
tastes so smooth in Dublin? - No?
2
00:00:05,628 --> 00:00:07,694
- Fun fact for you, they add milk.
- No, they don't!
3
00:00:07,696 --> 00:00:11,630
- Yes, they do. Google it.
- All right. I will, fine.
4
00:00:11,632 --> 00:00:15,682
- In fact, I bet you five euros.
- How do you get 3G? Oh, here we go.
5
00:00:15,684 --> 00:00:18,666
Oh, what am I going to spend
my winnings on? Oh, I know.
6
00:00:18,668 --> 00:00:21,634
Lots of cans of British Guinness
and some milk.
7
00:00:21,636 --> 00:00:24,686
Ah-ha-ha-ha! "Water, hops, barley,
yeast" and no milk.
8
00:00:24,688 --> 00:00:27,618
Easiest money I've ever made!
9
00:00:27,620 --> 00:00:30,638
400 quid data roaming charge?!
10
00:00:30,640 --> 00:00:32,620
But I didn't even use 3G!
11
00:00:34,628 --> 00:00:36,620
Oh, no!
12
00:00:47,624 --> 00:00:50,622
That phone bill has completely wiped
me out, just for googling whether
13
00:00:50,624 --> 00:00:51,694
Guinness tastes better in Dublin.
14
00:00:51,696 --> 00:00:55,610
- Well, it's the milk, isn't it?
- No, it is not the milk.
15
00:00:55,612 --> 00:00:58,654
The money I spent going to Dublin, I could
have been having cocktails in Moscow.
16
00:00:58,656 --> 00:01:01,686
- Do you know how they make White Russians so smooth in Moscow?
- Is it the milk?
17
00:01:01,688 --> 00:01:04,662
- No, technically it's fresh cream.
- Look, can we just move on?
18
00:01:04,664 --> 00:01:08,606
- What do you want to do now?
- Well, something without you following me around.
19
00:01:08,608 --> 00:01:12,638
- The only reason you came to the bank is because you can't be on your own.
- No, I came to do some banking.
20
00:01:12,640 --> 00:01:15,690
- We're not with the same bank!
- It's a competitive market. You've got to shop around.
21
00:01:15,692 --> 00:01:18,650
Landlord's here -
hide your doobie stash!
22
00:01:18,652 --> 00:01:21,666
- I don't have a doobie stash, Geoff.
- Course not, Mr Marley.
23
00:01:21,668 --> 00:01:24,690
- I got your text. Why did you send out the Geoff signal?
- You know why!
24
00:01:24,692 --> 00:01:28,650
Josh, you told me it would be OK to store
a few things for a week or so, so I did.
25
00:01:28,652 --> 00:01:30,666
Come on, look at it!
26
00:01:30,668 --> 00:01:33,602
I don't want a grand piano
in my living room, Geoff.
27
00:01:33,604 --> 00:01:34,694
It looks like I'm subletting
to Billy Joel.
28
00:01:34,696 --> 00:01:38,622
And I can't eat a fry-up and watch
"Flog It!" at the same time.
29
00:01:38,624 --> 00:01:42,602
You know me, I like telly first thing in the morning.
It helps me vibe into the day.
30
00:01:42,604 --> 00:01:44,646
What do you want a telly for, when
you've got a grand piano?
31
00:01:44,648 --> 00:01:46,694
A lot of people would give
their right arm for one of those.
32
00:01:46,696 --> 00:01:49,686
I mean, the irony being you'd
struggle to play anything, obviously.
33
00:01:49,688 --> 00:01:53,618
- Scales, nursery rhymes...
- Geoff!
34
00:01:53,620 --> 00:01:56,610
- Yeah, look, it's not permanent.
- Why is it here in the first place?
35
00:01:56,612 --> 00:01:58,674
My brother bought it when he
was out storage hunting and -
36
00:01:58,676 --> 00:02:02,626
actually, actually, you'll like this - you
can use this in one of your skits, right?
37
00:02:02,628 --> 00:02:06,690
He bought it when he was out storage hunting,
the thing is he hasn't got any storage!
38
00:02:06,692 --> 00:02:08,686
So...
39
00:02:08,688 --> 00:02:10,620
None at all.
40
00:02:11,636 --> 00:02:14,638
See, I said I'd put it here.
No, it's fine.
41
00:02:14,640 --> 00:02:17,654
I've got it on eBay. I've got
a 95% approval rating
42
00:02:17,656 --> 00:02:20,626
and in a perfect world it would be a
100, but you know,
43
00:02:20,628 --> 00:02:24,642
you sell one flammable armchair to a care
home, all of a sudden you're the bad guy.
44
00:02:24,644 --> 00:02:29,602
To be fair, though, it does give the
place a certain air of, er, romance.
45
00:02:29,604 --> 00:02:32,642
- It's like being in Pretty Woman.
- No prostitutes on the piano, Owen,
46
00:02:32,644 --> 00:02:35,626
- or I'll have to dock your deposit!
- This is unacceptable.
47
00:02:35,628 --> 00:02:39,614
- All right, maybe just the ones with a heart of gold.
- Not the prostitutes, Geoff. The piano.
48
00:02:39,616 --> 00:02:42,650
- Get rid of the piano!
- Yeah, get rid of it, Geoff. We're done with the piano! - Yeah.
49
00:02:42,652 --> 00:02:46,630
All right, all right. Look, I
appreciate you doing me this favour,
50
00:02:46,632 --> 00:02:51,686
which is why I have gone to the trouble
of getting you all a little something
51
00:02:51,688 --> 00:02:54,630
to show how much I care.
52
00:02:54,632 --> 00:02:57,626
- Aw... - Aw...
- First of all, the lady of the house. - Oooh?!
53
00:02:57,628 --> 00:03:00,622
- Champagne and chocolates.
ALL: - O-o-o-h!
54
00:03:00,624 --> 00:03:02,632
HE WHISTLES
55
00:03:04,696 --> 00:03:06,690
Is this some sort of joke?
56
00:03:06,692 --> 00:03:08,614
I'm not a Borrower.
57
00:03:08,616 --> 00:03:09,678
No, they're for keeps.
58
00:03:09,680 --> 00:03:11,682
I think I deserve a bit more
than this, Geoff?
59
00:03:11,684 --> 00:03:14,690
- Well, you got a grand piano.
- That's the bloody issue!
60
00:03:14,692 --> 00:03:17,642
Well, let's see if boys are
any more grateful.
61
00:03:17,644 --> 00:03:19,618
For the boys, I have...
62
00:03:19,620 --> 00:03:24,598
- a pair of free tickets for the darts tomorrow night.
- No way!
63
00:03:24,600 --> 00:03:27,690
- You're joking! - Oh, my God. Geoff, that is amazing.
- Incredible. How did you get hold of these?
64
00:03:27,692 --> 00:03:29,658
Ask no questions, hear no lies.
65
00:03:29,660 --> 00:03:33,622
- This is the best thing you've ever done!
- Oh, wow. Oh, my God! - I can't wait! Ha-ha!
66
00:03:33,624 --> 00:03:36,610
- You actually want to go to the darts?
- Yeah, it's amazing.
67
00:03:36,612 --> 00:03:37,674
It's a fully sanctioned piss-up.
68
00:03:37,676 --> 00:03:40,674
Last time I went, I got so hammered
I spewed in one of those foam hands.
69
00:03:40,676 --> 00:03:44,630
- Probably the best moment of my life!
- Oh, yeah. I saw a guy singing We Are The Champions
70
00:03:44,632 --> 00:03:46,678
while having his stomach pumped.
It's like a wonderland!
71
00:03:46,680 --> 00:03:49,610
- Right, we'll start off - pint with breakfast...
- Yes!
72
00:03:49,612 --> 00:03:52,690
- No, scrap that. Pint FOR breakfast - Yes!
- Get straight down there - wallop. - No, no, no, no!
73
00:03:52,692 --> 00:03:54,670
I can't go. I can't afford it.
74
00:03:54,672 --> 00:03:57,694
- Oh, no, no, no they're free. They're free.
- Yeah, it's fine. - No, no, no.
75
00:03:57,696 --> 00:04:00,682
I can't afford to drink.
I can't go to the darts sober.
76
00:04:00,684 --> 00:04:03,692
- Oh.
- Can't you just go and enjoy the darts for the darts?
77
00:04:06,616 --> 00:04:09,624
Sorry, Kate. I don't understand
the question.
78
00:04:12,680 --> 00:04:15,610
Don't worry about it, mate.
We'll sort it somehow.
79
00:04:15,612 --> 00:04:17,666
- How much money have you got?
- About 30 quid.
80
00:04:17,668 --> 00:04:19,666
- Well, can we split it.
- ?15 each?
81
00:04:19,668 --> 00:04:23,610
- We're going to the darts, not a carvery.
- What the hell am I going to do, then?
82
00:04:23,612 --> 00:04:25,682
We could do what my friend from
school, Chris Legs, used to do.
83
00:04:25,684 --> 00:04:27,674
- You've got a friend called Chris Legs?
- Yeah.
84
00:04:27,676 --> 00:04:32,630
- His real name's Chris Harris, but everyone calls him
Chris Legs, cos his cousin's got nice legs. - What?
85
00:04:32,632 --> 00:04:35,662
- Imagine that, being defined by your cousin's legs.
- How is this helping?
86
00:04:35,664 --> 00:04:39,678
- Chris Legs never buys a drink, but has been drunk since France '98.
- Really? How does he do it?
87
00:04:39,680 --> 00:04:41,674
Well, he employs various methods.
88
00:04:41,676 --> 00:04:45,658
- He eats a lot of chocolate liqueurs-- they're surprisingly strong.
- Chocolate liqueurs?
89
00:04:45,660 --> 00:04:50,666
- Yeah, he works out that 50 chocolate liqueurs
is about half a pint of Carlsberg. - Right?
90
00:04:50,668 --> 00:04:54,598
The problem is, you eat 200 chocolate
liqueurs and you're not that pissed,
91
00:04:54,600 --> 00:04:56,694
- but you have got diabetes.
- Right, I'm going to pass on that one.
92
00:04:56,696 --> 00:05:01,634
- He used to drink a lot of whiskey samples from supermarkets.
- Can you get away with that? - Well, not really.
93
00:05:01,636 --> 00:05:06,642
He got rumbled. Now he's banned from Nisa, Happy Shopper,
Londis, Spar, every Tesco as far north as Stoke.
94
00:05:06,644 --> 00:05:07,690
Last I heard, he had to join Ocado.
95
00:05:07,692 --> 00:05:09,682
- I don't want to join Ocado.
- No.
96
00:05:09,684 --> 00:05:12,662
- Minesweeping! - What's minesweeping?
- It's where you go round pubs
97
00:05:12,664 --> 00:05:14,618
and you down any unfinished drinks.
98
00:05:14,620 --> 00:05:16,686
I want to get drunk.
not Hepatitis B!
99
00:05:16,688 --> 00:05:18,682
- What do homeless people do?
- Begging!
100
00:05:18,684 --> 00:05:20,650
I'm not going to beg.
101
00:05:20,652 --> 00:05:22,638
- Please, just give me 50 quid!
- I can't.
102
00:05:22,640 --> 00:05:24,634
I can't trust you not to spend
it on googling
103
00:05:24,636 --> 00:05:26,646
why Um Bongo is so good
in the Congo.
104
00:05:26,648 --> 00:05:30,666
- Just want to go to the darts. I'll give it back.
- I've got it now. I've cut out the middle man.
105
00:05:30,668 --> 00:05:34,598
If you don't give me 50 quid, I'm going
to tell people about your 18th birthday.
106
00:05:34,600 --> 00:05:35,678
You, me and a Pizza Hut buffet.
107
00:05:35,680 --> 00:05:38,674
It's... Christmas birthdays are
difficult to get people to come to.
108
00:05:38,676 --> 00:05:42,666
- Your birthday's December the 2nd.
- Yeah. The start of the party season. - Not for you, it isn't.
109
00:05:42,668 --> 00:05:46,634
OK. Well, if you tell people that, I'll
tell people about your 18th birthday.
110
00:05:46,636 --> 00:05:48,682
You, on your own,
with Chicken Run on DVD.
111
00:05:48,684 --> 00:05:53,678
- OK, OK. But how am I going to get drunk at the darts, then?
- Can't you just get some cheap booze
112
00:05:53,680 --> 00:05:57,598
- from the corner shop and smuggle it in.
- Oh, and how do you expect to do that?
113
00:05:57,600 --> 00:05:59,638
Put a bottle of Becks in a condom and
shove it up my arse?
114
00:05:59,640 --> 00:06:03,618
I was thinking more pocket,
but whatever floats your bloat.
115
00:06:03,620 --> 00:06:06,642
That's ridiculous. I don't have the
skills to sew a bottle into a teddy bear.
116
00:06:06,644 --> 00:06:09,682
- I don't know. What if you put it into a
flask and pretend it's tea? - What is this?
117
00:06:09,684 --> 00:06:11,622
Famous Five Go To The Darts?
118
00:06:11,624 --> 00:06:14,606
Josh, you're in the presence
of a genius.
119
00:06:14,608 --> 00:06:16,622
I've solved your problems, mate.
120
00:06:16,624 --> 00:06:18,630
Come with me to my cousin's
wedding tomorrow.
121
00:06:18,632 --> 00:06:20,626
Oh, I knew he'd ask you out
eventually!
122
00:06:20,628 --> 00:06:23,640
- Why would I want to come to your cousin's wedding?
- Take a seat, my friend.
123
00:06:25,648 --> 00:06:30,610
Now, I've heard it said that darts without
beer money is the impossible dream.
124
00:06:30,612 --> 00:06:35,678
Well, they said that about me getting a B in
my GCSE Media Studies and did I manage that?
125
00:06:35,680 --> 00:06:38,670
Why don't you take it up with
the guys and gals at UCAS?!
126
00:06:38,672 --> 00:06:42,610
I've also heard it said that
weddings are about love and romance.
127
00:06:42,612 --> 00:06:44,694
No, they're about a free bar
that can get us hammered
128
00:06:44,696 --> 00:06:46,682
in preparation for the darts.
129
00:06:46,684 --> 00:06:49,658
- Oh, my God. Owen, that's a brilliant idea!
- Yes!
130
00:06:49,660 --> 00:06:52,622
It's a fully sanctioned piss-up,
but in the eyes of God.
131
00:06:52,624 --> 00:06:56,618
And everything's free. Free
drinking, free eating, free parking.
132
00:06:56,620 --> 00:06:58,650
- But he doesn't have a car.
- Well, he should get one.
133
00:06:58,652 --> 00:07:02,638
- Cos I know somewhere he can park it for free
between 12 and eight tomorrow. - You are a genius!
134
00:07:02,640 --> 00:07:04,648
Ha-ha-ha. I know!
135
00:07:08,628 --> 00:07:10,654
Oh, here he is.
136
00:07:10,656 --> 00:07:14,658
Wow. So you got that work experience
placement, then? Congrats.
137
00:07:14,660 --> 00:07:16,658
- It's a nice suit!
- Yes, it is.
138
00:07:16,660 --> 00:07:19,654
And, er, if you shift enough rental
properties in the next few weeks,
139
00:07:19,656 --> 00:07:22,618
- they might make your position permanent.
- Yes, very good.
140
00:07:22,620 --> 00:07:24,626
To be fair, mate,
that suit is a little roomy.
141
00:07:24,628 --> 00:07:25,674
It's all right for off-the-peg.
142
00:07:25,676 --> 00:07:27,682
Yeah, but where was the peg from -
Jacamo?
143
00:07:27,684 --> 00:07:29,678
How am I the problem?
He's in his pants.
144
00:07:29,680 --> 00:07:32,618
Well, at least his skin
fits him properly.
145
00:07:32,620 --> 00:07:35,690
Yeah. Tailored by God. And they used a little
bit too much material in certain places,
146
00:07:35,692 --> 00:07:38,658
- if you, er, know what I mean?
- Talking about your massive arse -
147
00:07:38,660 --> 00:07:40,690
was your mum a baboon?
- What? It's not that bad, is it?
148
00:07:40,692 --> 00:07:43,630
- You're the Welsh J-Lo.
- Oh, thanks.
149
00:07:43,632 --> 00:07:47,626
- Sure you don't want me to sort you another plus-one for this wedding?
- No. I'm having a new phone
150
00:07:47,628 --> 00:07:51,662
- delivered. I'm just going to stay in and chill out on my own.
- Chill out on your own?! You?!
151
00:07:51,664 --> 00:07:55,690
- Without a phone, you're going to go insane!
- Yeah. A bit like when you lock a Jack Russell in a car
152
00:07:55,692 --> 00:07:58,670
and you come back and all the seats
have been torn to shreds! - Er, no.
153
00:07:58,672 --> 00:08:02,682
- I've been going out too much recently. So, I just
need to stay in and have some me time. BOTH: - Ohhh.
154
00:08:02,684 --> 00:08:04,662
- Oh, me time.
- OK, yeah. I get you, I get you.
155
00:08:04,664 --> 00:08:07,610
- No, not that kind of me time.
- Me time.
156
00:08:07,612 --> 00:08:09,658
Oh, cos when you guys go out,
I can't stop myself.
157
00:08:09,660 --> 00:08:14,662
- Oh, my God, Owen! - What are you going to do instead, then?
- I've got it all planned out. I've Sky-plussed some
158
00:08:14,664 --> 00:08:16,638
documentaries I want to get
through...
159
00:08:16,640 --> 00:08:19,678
- Don't Tell The Bride is not a documentary!
- I'm not going to waste my day watching
160
00:08:19,680 --> 00:08:23,674
- Don't Tell The Bride. - She'll be re-watching Ratatouille!
- Re-re-re-watching Ratatouille.
161
00:08:23,676 --> 00:08:27,686
- Re-re-re-watching. - Re-re-re-re-watching.
- I'm a little bit more highbrow, actually!
162
00:08:27,688 --> 00:08:31,662
Oh, are you? - I'm going to start working my
way through the classics. The Great Gatsby
163
00:08:31,664 --> 00:08:34,662
- has whet my appetite.
- Oh, got any further with The Great Gatsby?
164
00:08:34,664 --> 00:08:39,602
I always say, until you've finished a book,
you may as well just be at the beginning.
165
00:08:39,604 --> 00:08:42,642
- So, that's a no? - I've started it.
- Oh right, right, right. Whatever.
166
00:08:42,644 --> 00:08:45,690
- I am a reader.
- Oh, yes. It's like when you said you'd read Pride and Prejudice.
167
00:08:45,692 --> 00:08:48,634
Then you said your favourite
character was Colin Firth!
168
00:08:48,636 --> 00:08:52,642
- Yeah. That's because that's exactly how I pictured him.
- Oh, right. Yeah. - It's a coincidence.
169
00:08:52,644 --> 00:08:56,666
- And may I say - excellent casting!
- Well, we look forward to grilling you on Gatsby on our return,
170
00:08:56,668 --> 00:08:58,690
- don't we, Owen? - Oh, yes.
- Yeah. That's fine.
171
00:08:58,692 --> 00:09:01,682
I'm having a high-culture day, guys.
Once I finish The Great Gatsby,
172
00:09:01,684 --> 00:09:03,662
I may have a tinkle on the old
ivories.
173
00:09:03,664 --> 00:09:06,610
- You're going to piss on the piano?
- Classic Jack Russell.
174
00:09:06,612 --> 00:09:09,670
JOSH LAUGHS - No, don't gang up on me
just cos I'm comfortable in my own skin.
175
00:09:09,672 --> 00:09:12,694
The Andersons don't need company.
We've got it all going on up here.
176
00:09:12,696 --> 00:09:15,618
- Oh, are the voices back?
- No.
177
00:09:15,620 --> 00:09:18,682
The only company I need is a bottle
of rose and Mr Gatsby.
178
00:09:18,684 --> 00:09:22,670
Hang on. Are you actually reading the novel,
or have you got a new fancy man coming round?
179
00:09:22,672 --> 00:09:24,690
Oh, yes! Oh, what's his name?
When does he get here?
180
00:09:24,692 --> 00:09:29,606
There's no fancy man, guys. Just a
seminal novel and The Best of Morcheeba.
181
00:09:29,608 --> 00:09:32,608
Oh, yeah.
Cos it won't be 1998 for ever.
182
00:09:33,640 --> 00:09:37,638
- Right. So, the plan is, we get to the
wedding and we get drinking - hard. - Agreed.
183
00:09:37,640 --> 00:09:41,638
- Oh, how about some drinking games? Have you played fisherman's friend?
- No. - Oh, it's amazing.
184
00:09:41,640 --> 00:09:45,626
- You just drink every time you smell mint.
- How is that a game? That's not going to get us drunk!
185
00:09:45,628 --> 00:09:48,610
Er, yes, it is! I played it
at the Eden Project once.
186
00:09:48,612 --> 00:09:50,690
I got so hammered, I threw up onto
a Venus Flytrap.
187
00:09:50,692 --> 00:09:55,622
- Poor thing didn't know what to do.
- Here's the plan - we drink, we get drunk, we go to the darts. That's it.
188
00:09:55,624 --> 00:09:56,658
Suit yourself.
189
00:09:56,660 --> 00:09:59,662
Do you know my great-great-granddad
was banned from playing darts,
190
00:09:59,664 --> 00:10:02,662
cos he had such long arms he could
reach the board from the oche?
191
00:10:02,664 --> 00:10:05,630
- Bullshit.
- Er, no. He had a growth abnormality.
192
00:10:05,632 --> 00:10:09,602
Only five foot tall, but he could screw
in a light bulb without a stepladder.
193
00:10:09,604 --> 00:10:13,642
- I knew you were related to baboons!
- Yeah? Well, I look like a baboon and you look like a pub dog.
194
00:10:13,644 --> 00:10:15,634
I do not look like a pub dog.
195
00:10:15,636 --> 00:10:17,682
You look like a pub dog that
drinks beer out of an ashtray.
196
00:10:17,684 --> 00:10:21,672
- I don't... they don't even have ashtrays anymore!
- They have them for pub dogs!
197
00:10:23,684 --> 00:10:29,610
God, I love a wedding. Oh, did I tell you about the
time I went to a wedding as the date of Macy Gray?
198
00:10:29,612 --> 00:10:30,670
How do you know Macy Gray?
199
00:10:30,672 --> 00:10:33,678
I was working in Clarks. She came
in, she needed heels for a wedding.
200
00:10:33,680 --> 00:10:38,638
I gave her the wrong size. She tried to walk
away, but she stumbled. I pointed that out,
201
00:10:38,640 --> 00:10:41,682
- we had a bit of a laugh about it and she gave me her plus-one.
- That didn't happen.
202
00:10:41,684 --> 00:10:44,686
Mate, she sung I Try at the reception.
She was absolutely hammered.
203
00:10:44,688 --> 00:10:47,674
No-one asked her to.
Ruined the speeches.
204
00:10:47,676 --> 00:10:50,670
Oh, my God.
205
00:10:50,672 --> 00:10:54,642
You might have actually brought us
to a good party!
206
00:10:54,644 --> 00:10:57,640
- We are definitely going to pull.
- Do you reckon?
207
00:10:58,664 --> 00:11:01,610
I am definitely going to pull.
208
00:11:01,612 --> 00:11:04,618
Please, don't pull if I don't, mate.
You're the only person I know here.
209
00:11:04,620 --> 00:11:05,666
Oh, you know me, my motto...
210
00:11:05,668 --> 00:11:07,610
"Darts before dick".
211
00:11:07,612 --> 00:11:10,610
Since when is that your motto?
212
00:11:10,612 --> 00:11:14,606
Look at the girl's flowery black
dress. She's absolutely beautiful.
213
00:11:14,608 --> 00:11:18,598
Haven't seen a fur coat like that
since The House Of Eliot.
214
00:11:18,600 --> 00:11:19,682
God, I hope we're not related.
215
00:11:19,684 --> 00:11:22,652
I would love to marry the
hell out of her.
216
00:11:23,660 --> 00:11:27,670
Stop looking in such an obvious
way, you weirdo!
217
00:11:27,672 --> 00:11:29,632
That is a lot worse!
218
00:11:30,664 --> 00:11:33,642
Look at the ratio of women to men.
I absolutely love it here.
219
00:11:33,644 --> 00:11:35,674
It's like a women's prison.
220
00:11:35,676 --> 00:11:37,650
I'd hate to see your search history.
221
00:11:37,652 --> 00:11:41,630
Ladies and gentlemen,
the service is about to begin.
222
00:11:41,632 --> 00:11:46,646
Will the friends and family of Gibbs and
Watson please head to the door on my left?
223
00:11:46,648 --> 00:11:49,849
- Here we go, let's try and sit with the fur coat.
- No, no, that's not us. - What?
224
00:11:53,608 --> 00:11:54,684
Where are they all going?
225
00:12:00,600 --> 00:12:02,642
- Owen!
- Phil!
226
00:12:02,644 --> 00:12:05,610
- Ha-ha-ha! Congratulations!
- Again!
227
00:12:05,612 --> 00:12:06,674
Ah! Good to see you.
228
00:12:06,676 --> 00:12:08,694
Who's this? Didn't tell me
you were bringing a date!
229
00:12:08,696 --> 00:12:11,614
- I'm Owen's flatmate - Josh.
- Bit smart, aren't you?
230
00:12:11,616 --> 00:12:13,626
What are you doing,
off to meet the Queen?
231
00:12:13,628 --> 00:12:15,666
- This is what you wear to a wedding.
- Not one of mine, mate.
232
00:12:15,668 --> 00:12:19,618
Not the usual stuffy affairs. Owen bloody knows that.
How many have you been to now?
233
00:12:19,620 --> 00:12:21,650
- All four.
- I should start doing loyalty cards!
234
00:12:21,652 --> 00:12:23,606
OWEN LAUGHS
235
00:12:23,608 --> 00:12:25,620
Come on. Let's get this
hound hitched.
236
00:12:32,660 --> 00:12:35,670
TINNY POP MUSIC PLAYS
237
00:12:35,672 --> 00:12:38,666
- It can't be just us, can it?
- I think it is, mate.
238
00:12:38,668 --> 00:12:43,646
Still, better turnout than last
time. Eh? Thanks to you.
239
00:12:43,648 --> 00:12:46,610
- It was just you?!
- Yes.
240
00:12:46,612 --> 00:12:48,694
Yeah - my family refuse to
come every time.
241
00:12:48,696 --> 00:12:52,610
I don't know what their problem
is with the guy.
242
00:12:52,612 --> 00:12:54,634
Do you reckon it's the dancing?
243
00:12:54,636 --> 00:12:55,670
Say "Cheese", guys.
244
00:12:55,672 --> 00:12:57,682
Sausages!
245
00:12:57,684 --> 00:12:59,686
- There we go.
- Oh, that's a keeper.
246
00:12:59,688 --> 00:13:02,622
Oh, I like it. Do you want to go
halves on a mouse mat?
247
00:13:02,624 --> 00:13:04,642
- So, who you with?
- Er, we're with the groom.
248
00:13:04,644 --> 00:13:06,694
I think you're
sitting on the wrong side.
249
00:13:06,696 --> 00:13:08,656
Do you think it matters?
250
00:13:11,688 --> 00:13:14,686
Owen, we've got to go. This is the
worst decision I've ever made.
251
00:13:14,688 --> 00:13:17,640
What about when you tried to bring
back boot-cut jeans?
252
00:13:18,664 --> 00:13:22,602
Listen, we can't go now, can we?
Phil will definitely notice.
253
00:13:22,604 --> 00:13:26,694
Do you reckon? No, I can't do this.
I prefer to go to the darts sober.
254
00:13:26,696 --> 00:13:29,654
- What?
- Just tell Phil I've got dysentery.
255
00:13:29,656 --> 00:13:32,604
WEDDING MARCH PLAYS
256
00:13:40,676 --> 00:13:45,612
MUSIC: The Sea
by Morcheeba
257
00:14:13,660 --> 00:14:19,662
- Wow! - Oh, my God!
- He knows you far too well!
258
00:14:19,664 --> 00:14:23,658
Loving this, fantastic! Lovely!
259
00:14:23,660 --> 00:14:26,614
I can't believe they asked me
to be a witness.
260
00:14:26,616 --> 00:14:28,694
Under "Relationship to couple"
I had to write "Not applicable".
261
00:14:28,696 --> 00:14:31,634
Right, now can we have a
photo of just the boys?
262
00:14:31,636 --> 00:14:33,666
Oi, oi! The old gang back together!
263
00:14:33,668 --> 00:14:35,614
Make sure you get my best side!
264
00:14:35,616 --> 00:14:37,630
THEY LAUGH
265
00:14:37,632 --> 00:14:40,630
- Right. Big smiles.
- Shame you boys couldn't join me on the stag!
266
00:14:40,632 --> 00:14:43,686
There was a stag? Well, there would have
been if I'd known you two were available.
267
00:14:43,688 --> 00:14:47,606
- I just went paintballing on my own,
joined an office day out. - Oh, quality.
268
00:14:47,608 --> 00:14:48,690
Shot a woman from HR in the tit.
269
00:14:48,692 --> 00:14:51,606
- Oh, that's kind of inevitable.
- Sounds great(!)
270
00:14:51,608 --> 00:14:55,618
Anyway, it's been a pleasure meeting both of you
but, umm, we don't want to outstay our welcome,
271
00:14:55,620 --> 00:14:58,690
- so we're going to head off, aren't we? - Yeah.
- You going? - We're going to shoot, yeah. - Yeah.
272
00:14:58,692 --> 00:15:02,666
- Oh, you really can't stay?
- Unfortunately not, no. We, we can't.
273
00:15:02,668 --> 00:15:06,682
It's just that days this special deserve to
be shared and engraved on all our hearts
274
00:15:06,684 --> 00:15:10,646
and it would mean the world to us if you
could help share our special day. Yeah.
275
00:15:10,648 --> 00:15:13,610
As she was saying, come to
the reception, or it'll be shit.
276
00:15:13,612 --> 00:15:15,646
We'd love to, but we've left
a Jack Russell in the house.
277
00:15:15,648 --> 00:15:19,610
- There's plenty of food?
- Yeah, we're scared it's going to do a slash on the piano, so...
278
00:15:19,612 --> 00:15:22,668
Say you'll stay, Owen. I haven't had
a chance to get to know you.
279
00:15:24,624 --> 00:15:29,602
- We can stay for a minute, can't we?
- What? Owen? No! Oh... Oh, great, that is brilliant. - Thank you so much!
280
00:15:29,604 --> 00:15:30,670
Just to check, though, is it
a free bar?
281
00:15:30,672 --> 00:15:31,682
HE LAUGHS
282
00:15:31,684 --> 00:15:33,622
No, no, but is it?
283
00:15:33,624 --> 00:15:37,694
- 'The heart of Steve's romantic plan is...' - No, don't!
- '..to marry Kate on the very rollercoaster...'
284
00:15:37,696 --> 00:15:41,636
- Don't arrange your wedding at Thorpe Park, you idiot!
- 'Or, maybe it's...'
285
00:15:44,604 --> 00:15:47,672
What? No, no, no!
No, no, no, no, no, no, no!
286
00:15:49,604 --> 00:15:51,648
SHE CLICKS SWITCH REPEATEDLY
- Oh, no!
287
00:15:52,648 --> 00:15:56,624
MUSIC: Celebration
By Kool & The Gang
288
00:16:03,696 --> 00:16:07,646
- You all right, mate?
- Oh, yeah. So, how did you two meet?
289
00:16:07,648 --> 00:16:09,634
- We're related.
- What?
290
00:16:09,636 --> 00:16:11,610
HE LAUGHS
291
00:16:11,612 --> 00:16:14,630
Of course not, mate. I'm not making
that mistake - again!
292
00:16:14,632 --> 00:16:16,618
Not another one. God.
293
00:16:16,620 --> 00:16:20,658
- Saw this programme the other night about this bloke who married a goat.
- Wait, there. I've actually got to
294
00:16:20,660 --> 00:16:23,614
- speak to Owen about something. Owen. Mate?
- It'd probably be
295
00:16:23,616 --> 00:16:25,654
- skinny dipping, I think.
- Really? - Yeah, yeah. - Owen!
296
00:16:25,656 --> 00:16:30,622
Yeah, I've actually got, umm, a scar on my
chest from where I'd grazed it on some coral.
297
00:16:30,624 --> 00:16:32,614
Very brave. I mean, that's quite
dangerous.
298
00:16:32,616 --> 00:16:34,690
- Anyone try and suck out the venom?
- Not yet. - Owen! Owen!
299
00:16:34,692 --> 00:16:38,658
- What?! - Can you just talk to me?
- What happened to "Darts before dick"?
300
00:16:38,660 --> 00:16:42,650
- Sorry, my bad, my bad. - Remember why we're here.
- Yeah, yeah. What do you want to talk about?
301
00:16:42,652 --> 00:16:46,626
Just - I don't want to be stuck talking to this
weird guy about his goat show. - Yeah. Yeah.
302
00:16:46,628 --> 00:16:50,626
- I mean, it's not what I came here for.
- Why don't you have a drink? Cos that's what we're here for.
303
00:16:50,628 --> 00:16:54,630
- The last time I went skinny dipping, when I got
back to shore someone had stolen my clothes. - Owen?
304
00:16:54,632 --> 00:16:57,638
- Oh, no way! Did I tell you I'd been to Australia?
- Owen!
305
00:16:57,640 --> 00:16:59,666
THEY CHUCKLE
306
00:16:59,668 --> 00:17:03,646
- We're not really cousins, mate.
- Oh, that's a relief. That's good.
307
00:17:03,648 --> 00:17:05,638
- I'd never marry my own cousin.
- That's good.
308
00:17:05,640 --> 00:17:07,662
Unless she had massive knockers!
309
00:17:07,664 --> 00:17:09,614
THEY LAUGH
310
00:17:09,616 --> 00:17:12,690
- But seriously, we really are very much in love.
- Ah, that's lovely!
311
00:17:12,692 --> 00:17:14,678
He's earning his money today,
isn't he?
312
00:17:14,680 --> 00:17:16,660
(I'm not paying him...)
313
00:17:18,652 --> 00:17:21,626
I've just been sick in my mouth.
314
00:17:21,628 --> 00:17:22,682
Swallowed it again.
315
00:17:22,684 --> 00:17:24,646
Because I love her.
316
00:17:24,648 --> 00:17:26,694
You're a gentleman. I'm just going
to speak to Owen. Owen?
317
00:17:26,696 --> 00:17:30,678
- Look how sun kissed you are. It's amazing. Is it the same all over?
- What do you think?
318
00:17:30,680 --> 00:17:34,614
- You see, if I was your suntan, I'd be all over you!
- Oh, come on!
319
00:17:34,616 --> 00:17:38,622
- Sorry. What about you, Josh? Are you a closet skinny dipper?
- Well, actually... - What, this guy?
320
00:17:38,624 --> 00:17:41,622
He's so body shy he wears a onesie
in the bath. More Lambrini?
321
00:17:41,624 --> 00:17:42,678
Have you got anything else?
322
00:17:42,680 --> 00:17:46,658
I think I've got something in here.
Not sure what it is, though.
323
00:17:46,660 --> 00:17:49,640
- Probably just backwash.
- I'll take the Lambrini.
324
00:17:50,648 --> 00:17:53,650
The power's gone off and now nothing
works. Geoff, you're the landlord,
325
00:17:53,652 --> 00:17:56,614
it's your responsibility to sort
these things out.
326
00:17:56,616 --> 00:17:57,648
Why? Where are you?
327
00:17:58,648 --> 00:18:01,630
What is it with you
and storage auctions?
328
00:18:01,632 --> 00:18:04,626
No, I don't want a tuxedo.
329
00:18:04,628 --> 00:18:07,610
And I want a history of storage
auctions even less.
330
00:18:07,612 --> 00:18:09,686
Look, I'm stuck in the house waiting
for my phone to be delivered.
331
00:18:09,688 --> 00:18:11,628
What am I supposed to do?
332
00:18:12,664 --> 00:18:14,674
Yeah. Yes, I'll wait.
333
00:18:14,676 --> 00:18:17,640
Yeah, of course I can entertain
myself, that's not a problem!
334
00:18:22,620 --> 00:18:26,654
Champagne is overrated, mate, that's
why people spray it everywhere.
335
00:18:26,656 --> 00:18:31,654
You don't see Formula 1 drivers wasting
Carling, because it's bloody lovely.
336
00:18:31,656 --> 00:18:34,670
Tell you what else bothers me. What
is this obsession with hot food?
337
00:18:34,672 --> 00:18:39,606
- All comes out at the same temperature!
- Hey, Joshy - umm, do you smoke? - No, no, I don't.
338
00:18:39,608 --> 00:18:43,598
- So, you don't want a cigarette?
- What is this, Grange Hill? - Absolutely certain of that?
339
00:18:43,600 --> 00:18:47,626
I'm not just going to come out and watch you two talk
about your piercings, am I? - OK, suit yourself.
340
00:18:47,628 --> 00:18:50,598
So, what were we talking about?
Oh, yeah. Poos!
341
00:18:50,600 --> 00:18:51,680
HE LAUGHS
342
00:18:59,692 --> 00:19:02,650
- Sorry, my mates are sat there.
- Haven't they left?
343
00:19:02,652 --> 00:19:04,654
- They've just gone for a smoke.
- When?
344
00:19:04,656 --> 00:19:07,678
- About half an hour ago.
- What do they smoke? Shisha?
345
00:19:07,680 --> 00:19:12,614
Oh, God! Oh, they've gone, haven't
they?
346
00:19:12,616 --> 00:19:14,692
Oh, I've... I've just got to
make a phone call.
347
00:19:18,676 --> 00:19:20,618
Where the hell are you?
348
00:19:20,620 --> 00:19:24,638
I tried to get you to come. You are aware
that "Do you want a cigarette?" was a code?
349
00:19:24,640 --> 00:19:28,606
Going for a cigarette never has been
and never will be code.
350
00:19:28,608 --> 00:19:31,646
Yes, it is! It's a code
like in a war it's a code.
351
00:19:31,648 --> 00:19:33,690
We're at a wedding,
not Bletchley Park.
352
00:19:33,692 --> 00:19:37,598
Look, we've been using the same
code since we were 14.
353
00:19:37,600 --> 00:19:39,654
We met at uni.
354
00:19:39,656 --> 00:19:42,642
Yes. Sorry, I forgot that.
355
00:19:42,644 --> 00:19:46,630
You are a massive bellend.
And that is not a code.
356
00:19:46,632 --> 00:19:50,682
Well, I presumed you were enjoying
it and that you warmed into it.
357
00:19:50,684 --> 00:19:54,676
Warmed into it? I don't know the bride and groom.
I feel like a voyeur.
358
00:19:57,612 --> 00:19:59,606
'100...'
359
00:19:59,608 --> 00:20:01,658
- What was that, where are you?
- Nowhere.
360
00:20:01,660 --> 00:20:05,624
- Nowhere? Are you at the darts?
- Well, of course not. Without you?
361
00:20:07,660 --> 00:20:11,686
- I can't believe you've gone to the darts on your own!
- No. No, me neither.
362
00:20:11,688 --> 00:20:13,626
Yeah, there he is.
363
00:20:13,628 --> 00:20:16,662
Is that the bridesmaid?
Oh, I am done with this sham.
364
00:20:16,664 --> 00:20:19,682
I am going now.
Phil, Briony, I'm afraid I'm...
365
00:20:19,684 --> 00:20:21,676
Right, time for the speeches.
366
00:20:23,644 --> 00:20:25,654
Briony...
367
00:20:25,656 --> 00:20:27,650
top bird! Dealt with.
368
00:20:27,652 --> 00:20:31,602
- That's me done! Josh, seeing as you're on your feet...
- That's good, cos I need to go.
369
00:20:31,604 --> 00:20:33,610
- ..Maybe you want to say a few words?
- What?
370
00:20:33,612 --> 00:20:36,650
- Please, for me?
- You're not serious? - Yeah. - Yeah.
371
00:20:36,652 --> 00:20:38,686
- No, no. I-I can't. Go on, do it properly.
- No, I can't.
372
00:20:38,688 --> 00:20:41,604
- Come on, Joshy!
- Go on!
373
00:20:46,636 --> 00:20:48,692
What is there to say...
374
00:20:50,648 --> 00:20:54,602
...about Phil and Briony?
375
00:20:54,604 --> 00:20:56,684
(Owen says he's a comedian,
this should be a corker!)
376
00:21:08,692 --> 00:21:10,662
No.
377
00:21:10,664 --> 00:21:14,614
No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
N-o-o-o-o!
378
00:21:14,616 --> 00:21:17,614
A dream of you and me together
379
00:21:17,616 --> 00:21:23,694
Say you believe it
Say you believe it
380
00:21:23,696 --> 00:21:30,690
Free your mind of doubt and danger
Be for real, don't be a stranger
381
00:21:30,692 --> 00:21:38,630
We can achieve it
We can achieve it...
382
00:21:38,632 --> 00:21:41,610
- Mate! - Josh!
- No, no, I'm not really... - Come on!
383
00:21:41,612 --> 00:21:42,662
- Come on, Josh.
- I've got to head off.
384
00:21:42,664 --> 00:21:46,634
- Come on, it's a wedding. Come on, Joshy. Come and dance!
- Come on, Joshy. Come and dance!
385
00:21:46,636 --> 00:21:48,688
Come on, Joshy! Come on.
386
00:21:50,656 --> 00:21:54,638
I need some love like I never
needed love before
387
00:21:54,640 --> 00:21:57,614
Wanna make love to ya, baby
388
00:21:57,616 --> 00:22:01,598
I had a little love
now I'm back for more
389
00:22:01,600 --> 00:22:04,602
I wanna make love to ya, baby
390
00:22:04,604 --> 00:22:09,686
Set your spirit free
It's the only way to be...
391
00:22:09,688 --> 00:22:12,610
CHILDLIKE PIANO PLAYING
-
Jelly on a plate...
392
00:22:12,612 --> 00:22:13,634
No.
393
00:22:13,636 --> 00:22:16,602
Jelly on a plate...
394
00:22:16,604 --> 00:22:19,690
SHE TUTS
-
Jel-ly on a plate...
395
00:22:19,692 --> 00:22:21,674
DISCORDANT NOTES
396
00:22:21,676 --> 00:22:23,610
DOORBELL RINGS
397
00:22:23,612 --> 00:22:27,618
Coming! I'm coming! Coming, coming,
coming, coming, coming, coming...
398
00:22:27,620 --> 00:22:30,666
- So! Here we are. Can see...
- Ah! Company! At last!
399
00:22:30,668 --> 00:22:34,694
Good to see you too, Kate.
What an auction that was!
400
00:22:34,696 --> 00:22:37,670
- This could have been yours! All this.
- Wow.
401
00:22:37,672 --> 00:22:39,642
So, are you going to sort
the electric?
402
00:22:39,644 --> 00:22:42,682
Well, presumably you have
tried our friend the trip switch?
403
00:22:42,684 --> 00:22:46,598
- Nope.
- Classic schoolgirl error. Allow me to educate you.
404
00:22:46,600 --> 00:22:49,658
One cupboard - we open the cupboard.
One torch, turn the torch on.
405
00:22:49,660 --> 00:22:52,688
This is a fuse box, we open that.
There's the switch and...
406
00:22:57,600 --> 00:23:01,618
- Right. Well, I'm out of ideas.
- You're out of ideas?
407
00:23:01,620 --> 00:23:04,618
- Yeah. Absolutely nothing.
- What?
408
00:23:04,620 --> 00:23:08,646
I'll send someone round tomorrow. All right? I'll
leave you in peace for now. - No, no! No, no, no! No!
409
00:23:08,648 --> 00:23:11,622
- No, no, no! Stay for a drink!
- I've got to go, actually.
410
00:23:11,624 --> 00:23:13,626
It's the weekend.
Stay for a drink with me.
411
00:23:13,628 --> 00:23:16,686
- We haven't had a catch up in ages!
- I suppose not. I need to, er, just...
412
00:23:16,688 --> 00:23:21,626
- OK. Look, wait here, wait here!
- It's just that I promised my friend, my neighbour Malcolm...
413
00:23:21,628 --> 00:23:24,658
Oh-oh! Look. Oh-oh, I've opened
that, now! Hmm!
414
00:23:24,660 --> 00:23:26,598
No, I wouldn't do that.
415
00:23:26,600 --> 00:23:30,634
Can't drink that all by myself. It would be irresponsible
for you to leave. I've really got to go, Kate.
416
00:23:30,636 --> 00:23:33,666
Oh, you never did tell me about the
history of storage auctions, did you?
417
00:23:33,668 --> 00:23:36,682
Well, it's-it's funny you should say
that, cos we always say that the
418
00:23:36,684 --> 00:23:41,638
original storage auction was the,
er, raid on Tutankhamun's tomb.
419
00:23:41,640 --> 00:23:43,598
Wow! Yeah...
420
00:23:43,600 --> 00:23:46,656
MUSIC: Feel So Close
by Calvin Harris
421
00:23:52,616 --> 00:23:54,626
It's been a pleasure to
get to know you today.
422
00:23:54,628 --> 00:23:55,674
That is a lovely thing to say.
423
00:23:55,676 --> 00:23:57,626
No, what I mean is, I've got to go.
424
00:23:57,628 --> 00:23:59,666
Do you know, I feel like I've known
you for bloody ages?
425
00:23:59,668 --> 00:24:01,642
Do you know what I see in your eyes?
426
00:24:01,644 --> 00:24:05,614
I see Tiger Tiger!
Did someone say after party?
427
00:24:05,616 --> 00:24:06,658
MUSIC STOPS ABRUPTLY
428
00:24:06,660 --> 00:24:09,606
- It's time for the bouquet!
- No, I've got to go!
429
00:24:09,608 --> 00:24:12,678
No, no, no, no. Just stand right
there. Stand right there.
430
00:24:12,680 --> 00:24:18,598
And so we hope that by passing
on this floral baton,
431
00:24:18,600 --> 00:24:20,670
you will be blessed as we have been.
432
00:24:20,672 --> 00:24:22,646
Because life is a precious thing...
433
00:24:22,648 --> 00:24:24,604
Just lob it!
434
00:24:34,600 --> 00:24:36,664
LET'S PLAY DARTS!
435
00:24:38,616 --> 00:24:40,622
You're nicked.
436
00:24:40,624 --> 00:24:44,630
Well, at that time, I was playing the old
Joanna in all the wine bars round Southend.
437
00:24:44,632 --> 00:24:46,674
Until one night, in the
Chateau de la Grape,
438
00:24:46,676 --> 00:24:50,658
I stretched for an octave
and dislocated my thumb.
439
00:24:50,660 --> 00:24:52,670
I haven't played publically since.
440
00:24:52,672 --> 00:24:55,640
They say my screams shattered
a jeroboam.
441
00:24:56,696 --> 00:24:59,638
Oh, listen to me. I'm getting
all... all maudlin.
442
00:24:59,640 --> 00:25:02,614
I should, er, leave you in peace.
Thank you for the wine.
443
00:25:02,616 --> 00:25:05,622
No, no, no! Don't go, don't go.
It's Saturday night!
444
00:25:05,624 --> 00:25:08,602
- Live a little!
- No, really, I've had three glasses.
445
00:25:08,604 --> 00:25:11,602
I think this old hound is
getting a bit tiddled.
446
00:25:11,604 --> 00:25:14,622
- I should toddle off.
- Please. Please, don't go, Geoff.
447
00:25:14,624 --> 00:25:17,678
Look, I've been in on my own all day and I
can't leave until my bloody phone gets here.
448
00:25:17,680 --> 00:25:20,654
- It's driving me insane.
- Well, a day isn't that long on your own.
449
00:25:20,656 --> 00:25:24,598
Yes, it is! It's an eternity.
Look, I don't deserve this.
450
00:25:24,600 --> 00:25:27,610
- I didn't shank a guard.
- I seem to remember a certain person telling me
451
00:25:27,612 --> 00:25:29,630
they found it easy to
entertain themselves.
452
00:25:29,632 --> 00:25:31,690
No-one can entertain themselves.
It's impossible.
453
00:25:31,692 --> 00:25:35,642
- It's like tickling yourself.
- Oh, I can tickle myself.
454
00:25:35,644 --> 00:25:37,662
Yeah, but it's not working,
is it, Geoff?
455
00:25:37,664 --> 00:25:40,646
Yeah, that's cos I'm not ticklish,
Kate. I always react like that.
456
00:25:40,648 --> 00:25:43,598
Look, just-just have one more
glass. Just one more.
457
00:25:43,600 --> 00:25:45,662
No, really, umm, I'm edging
towards sozzled.
458
00:25:45,664 --> 00:25:47,682
Well, OK. You need some food
to soak it up!
459
00:25:47,684 --> 00:25:49,642
Let's order a takeaway!
460
00:25:49,644 --> 00:25:53,662
DOORBELL RINGS
- Oh, my God. Oh, my God!
461
00:25:53,664 --> 00:25:56,650
Oh, my God. Oh, my God!
Thank you, Lord.
462
00:25:56,652 --> 00:25:59,650
Oh, my God. This is amazing. You don't
understand how amazing this is.
463
00:25:59,652 --> 00:26:01,678
I could... I could kiss you.
I'm not going to kiss you.
464
00:26:01,680 --> 00:26:04,650
There you go. OK. Thank you!
Thanks, bye!
465
00:26:04,652 --> 00:26:08,686
Oh, my God. Thank you. Please be a phone, please
be phone, please be a phone, please be a phone.
466
00:26:08,688 --> 00:26:11,598
Oh, my God. Yes.
467
00:26:11,600 --> 00:26:12,602
SHE SIGHS
468
00:26:12,604 --> 00:26:15,662
Geoff? I think I'm going to head out now.
So, if you want to go, that's absolutely...
469
00:26:15,664 --> 00:26:18,598
Yeah, and don't forget the free
prawn crackers, yeah?
470
00:26:18,600 --> 00:26:20,646
Right, see you in 50 minutes.
Excellent!
471
00:26:20,648 --> 00:26:23,694
All done. ?40 worth of Chinese
food on its way.
472
00:26:23,696 --> 00:26:28,618
I think I am going to have that extra
glass of wine. Come on, join me.
473
00:26:28,620 --> 00:26:29,664
HE CHUCKLES
474
00:26:31,604 --> 00:26:34,686
- I cannot believe you took me to a sham wedding.
- That must be the issue my mum had with him.
475
00:26:34,688 --> 00:26:38,638
- The whole marriage for passports thing.
- I can see how that would trouble her, yeah.
476
00:26:38,640 --> 00:26:41,682
- She'll not be very pleased when she finds out you were in on it.
- I wasn't in on it.
477
00:26:41,684 --> 00:26:45,674
Well, you signed the witness thing. The
photographer cop bloke heard you call it a sham,
478
00:26:45,676 --> 00:26:50,610
then you were found running from the scene. You seem
pretty guilty to me. It's lucky you weren't tasered
479
00:26:50,612 --> 00:26:53,614
- up the a-hole. - What?
- Oh, my God! You were tasered up the a-hole?
480
00:26:53,616 --> 00:26:55,598
Stop saying
"Tasered up the a-hole".
481
00:26:55,600 --> 00:26:58,630
Oh, that passport thing is probably
why the bridesmaid was so into me.
482
00:26:58,632 --> 00:27:01,642
I mean, I thought she seemed pretty
keen. She asked me to marry her.
483
00:27:01,644 --> 00:27:03,638
We only had sex twice.
484
00:27:03,640 --> 00:27:04,686
Well, three times, actually.
485
00:27:04,688 --> 00:27:08,694
- Is this why you took two hours to come and get me?!
- No! Of course not!
486
00:27:08,696 --> 00:27:11,686
Adrian "Jackpot" Lewis was struggling
to close out a five setter.
487
00:27:11,688 --> 00:27:15,668
I mean, you should be annoyed at him.
How hard can it be to hit double 16?
488
00:27:16,680 --> 00:27:19,682
- State of modern life, living in a city.
- They didn't taser me.
489
00:27:19,684 --> 00:27:22,622
And if they had, why would
they have aimed for there?
490
00:27:22,624 --> 00:27:24,682
Well, because it's where they're
trained to aim for.
491
00:27:24,684 --> 00:27:29,598
- You know, no matter how ruthless a criminal you are...
- That's not true! - ..if you're incapacitated
492
00:27:29,600 --> 00:27:31,602
in the a-hole then
there's nothing...
493
00:27:31,604 --> 00:27:32,678
GEOFF PLAYS ROMANTIC PIANO MUSIC
494
00:27:32,680 --> 00:27:34,624
I knew she had a fancy man!
495
00:27:36,644 --> 00:27:39,650
- Hello, boys!
- Oh, my God!
496
00:27:39,652 --> 00:27:41,686
No. No, it's not what it looks like.
497
00:27:41,688 --> 00:27:43,672
We'll leave you two to it.
498
00:27:47,620 --> 00:27:50,658
MUSIC: I Try
by Macy Gray
499
00:27:50,660 --> 00:27:52,670
Here we go.
500
00:27:52,672 --> 00:27:55,610
- Milk, sir?
- Oh, just a dash.
501
00:27:55,612 --> 00:27:56,672
This proves nothing.
502
00:27:56,722 --> 00:28:01,272
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