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1
00:00:02,298 --> 00:00:04,326
Owen, does that girl
keep looking at me?
2
00:00:06,250 --> 00:00:09,316
- Well, the form book suggests she's clearly looking at me, mate.
- Oh, get over yourself!
3
00:00:09,318 --> 00:00:11,328
Oh, here she comes. Time to make
yourself scarce.
4
00:00:11,330 --> 00:00:15,286
Listen, don't use the disabled
toilet, we might need to use it.
5
00:00:34,330 --> 00:00:36,260
WOMAN LAUGHS
6
00:00:36,262 --> 00:00:39,280
So, um... you've known Owen for ages.
Is it true he knows Brian Harvey?
7
00:00:39,282 --> 00:00:42,332
- Oh, yeah, they were Owen's jacket potatoes.
- No! - Yeah! Brian's never forgiven him.
8
00:00:42,334 --> 00:00:45,310
HE LAUGHS
- God! - Yeah. Oh, weird!
9
00:00:46,306 --> 00:00:48,280
- So this is me.
- Yeah.
10
00:00:48,282 --> 00:00:50,272
Thanks for such a lovely night.
11
00:00:50,274 --> 00:00:52,264
Oh, no... it's just so rare
to find someone
12
00:00:52,266 --> 00:00:54,260
who likes dubstep as much as I do.
- Yeah!
13
00:00:54,262 --> 00:00:55,272
J'adore le bass.
14
00:00:55,274 --> 00:00:56,344
HE CHUCKLES
15
00:00:56,346 --> 00:00:58,288
Can I be honest with you?
16
00:00:58,290 --> 00:01:00,276
- Is this about dubstep?
- No, no.
17
00:01:00,278 --> 00:01:02,328
- I'd love to see you again.
- Same here. - Really? Yeah!
18
00:01:02,330 --> 00:01:04,302
- Great.
- Cool.
19
00:01:05,322 --> 00:01:07,300
Gulp!
20
00:01:07,302 --> 00:01:10,264
- That awkward moment.
- Yeah.
21
00:01:10,266 --> 00:01:12,260
Want to seal the deal?
22
00:01:12,262 --> 00:01:13,328
Sealed with a kiss?
23
00:01:13,330 --> 00:01:16,252
Signed, sealed, delivered!
24
00:01:16,254 --> 00:01:18,334
- Navy SEALs...
- Shall we just do it? - Yeah, sorry.
25
00:01:24,338 --> 00:01:27,276
So, I'll... see you again soon?
26
00:01:27,278 --> 00:01:29,260
Er... yeah.
27
00:01:29,262 --> 00:01:31,294
- Yeah, I'll... I'll text you.
- Yeah, cool.
28
00:01:40,346 --> 00:01:43,340
It would be an honour.
Thank you, thank you.
29
00:01:43,342 --> 00:01:46,320
Owen, thank you so much
for setting me up with Simon.
30
00:01:46,322 --> 00:01:48,316
Last night couldn't have
gone any better.
31
00:01:48,318 --> 00:01:50,308
Oh, I knew you two would fit
together.
32
00:01:50,310 --> 00:01:52,256
I call it the Lego principle.
33
00:01:52,258 --> 00:01:54,296
- He's available, you're emotionally damaged...
- Um...
34
00:01:54,298 --> 00:01:56,270
I'm not emotionally damaged.
35
00:01:57,314 --> 00:02:00,284
- OK, maybe a little bit.
- And you don't need to thank me, either.
36
00:02:00,286 --> 00:02:03,268
I'm not going to. I couldn't give
a shit about her date.
37
00:02:03,270 --> 00:02:05,252
No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no!
38
00:02:05,254 --> 00:02:07,328
I've got you an invite
to the event of the year.
39
00:02:07,330 --> 00:02:09,312
- T4 On The Beach?
- No, better than that.
40
00:02:09,314 --> 00:02:11,292
I saw Holly last night.
41
00:02:11,294 --> 00:02:14,344
Yes, you and I are invited to
a party at her parents' house!
42
00:02:14,346 --> 00:02:17,248
- No way!
- Yes way!
43
00:02:17,250 --> 00:02:20,268
Wow, her parents' house! Are you going
to be playing What's The Time, Mr Wolf?
44
00:02:20,270 --> 00:02:21,340
No, no, no, Kate,
you do not understand.
45
00:02:21,342 --> 00:02:24,324
At university she used to have
the most legendary parties.
46
00:02:24,326 --> 00:02:26,340
I mean, I heard,
I never actually got invited, did I?
47
00:02:26,342 --> 00:02:30,256
Sorry, mate, but I used to tell you about
them when I'd get home, wouldn't I?
48
00:02:30,258 --> 00:02:33,312
- Yeah, at great length!
- Plus things are different now. I'm actually inviting you.
49
00:02:33,314 --> 00:02:36,264
You're older, you're wiser,
you've finally lost your...
50
00:02:36,266 --> 00:02:38,308
- Do you want me to drive you?
- Yes, please.
51
00:02:38,310 --> 00:02:40,288
And there's going to be drinking,
yes!
52
00:02:40,290 --> 00:02:42,344
- Kissing, yes! Shagging,
yes. - Wait a minute.
53
00:02:42,346 --> 00:02:45,280
- Does she still do those midnight nachos?
- Yes.
54
00:02:45,282 --> 00:02:46,320
Don't mind if I do!
55
00:02:46,322 --> 00:02:49,252
Oh, amazing. Right, I'll add you
to the e-mail string.
56
00:02:49,254 --> 00:02:53,258
Yeah, cos nothing says "party" like
"I'll add you to the e-mail string."
57
00:02:56,342 --> 00:02:58,276
Whoa-ho!
58
00:02:58,278 --> 00:02:59,336
Watch out, Timmy Mallett!
59
00:02:59,338 --> 00:03:03,260
Oh, I knew I'd find them,
the old faithfuls.
60
00:03:03,262 --> 00:03:06,296
- These are going to be perfect for the party.
- Is that the party in the Lilt advert?
61
00:03:06,298 --> 00:03:09,324
- No, no, no. Holly's party. It's a pool party.
- It's a pool party?
62
00:03:09,326 --> 00:03:11,308
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
It's brilliant, eh?
63
00:03:11,310 --> 00:03:13,268
No, no, because this isn't The OC!
64
00:03:13,270 --> 00:03:15,272
I'm not hoping to go steady
with Pacey.
65
00:03:15,274 --> 00:03:18,272
- That's Dawson's Creek, mate.
- That's not the point. - And Pacey was a man.
66
00:03:18,274 --> 00:03:19,292
Who has a pool party?
67
00:03:19,294 --> 00:03:23,308
Oh, God, I bet it's going to be like on TV, I'm going
to have to drink out of those red plastic cups.
68
00:03:23,310 --> 00:03:27,260
- Fingers crossed.
- It'll be full of jocks as well. These things always are.
69
00:03:27,262 --> 00:03:29,328
Can't spend eight hours
discussing the Green Bay Packers.
70
00:03:29,330 --> 00:03:34,304
- It seems unlikely, mate, bearing in mind the party's in Berkshire.
- Do you know what? I'm not going anymore.
71
00:03:34,306 --> 00:03:36,272
Oh, but you were well up for it
earlier!
72
00:03:36,274 --> 00:03:38,324
No, you and your frat mates enjoy
yourself. It's not for me.
73
00:03:38,326 --> 00:03:42,276
- Swimming's not about fun, it's about survival.
- No, it's not, it's about partying.
74
00:03:42,278 --> 00:03:45,296
I can't party if I'm kicking my legs.
I'm not Michael Flatley.
75
00:03:45,298 --> 00:03:48,340
No, if it's a pool party, I'm out.
You can drive yourself.
76
00:03:48,342 --> 00:03:51,300
I actually spilt a cup of tea
over Michael Flatley once.
77
00:03:51,302 --> 00:03:55,256
But thankfully it went over his arm, which
I don't think was insured for anything.
78
00:03:55,258 --> 00:03:56,316
TEXT MESSAGE TONE
Oh!
79
00:03:56,318 --> 00:03:58,312
- Here he bloody is!
- Simon?
80
00:03:58,314 --> 00:04:00,286
You'd better believe it.
81
00:04:01,290 --> 00:04:03,252
Is this some sort of a joke?
82
00:04:03,254 --> 00:04:04,260
Problem?
83
00:04:04,262 --> 00:04:06,260
Simon says he doesn't want
to meet again.
84
00:04:06,262 --> 00:04:08,248
He was the one who asked me.
85
00:04:08,250 --> 00:04:10,328
Oh, well, que sera sera.
On to the next one.
86
00:04:10,330 --> 00:04:13,324
Oh, they're showing Ben Hur this
afternoon, all four glorious hours.
87
00:04:13,326 --> 00:04:16,344
Do you know, there were over 200 different
people in the wardrobe department?
88
00:04:16,346 --> 00:04:19,290
PHONE VIBRATES
An extraordinary statistic.
89
00:04:20,342 --> 00:04:23,250
- Has he just texted you?
- No.
90
00:04:24,258 --> 00:04:26,316
- You know why he's not interested.
- No, no, no. We're blokes.
91
00:04:26,318 --> 00:04:28,328
We don't really talk about
that sort of thing.
92
00:04:28,330 --> 00:04:31,300
He was actually texting me about...
about the transfer window.
93
00:04:31,302 --> 00:04:33,288
But he's your friend,
he must have told you.
94
00:04:33,290 --> 00:04:35,332
Yes, that Abou Diaby wants
first team football.
95
00:04:35,334 --> 00:04:37,304
- Just tell me, Owen!
- No, no, no... Owen!
96
00:04:37,306 --> 00:04:41,272
- You're not allowed, you hate football anyway!
- No, I just want to look at it! Owen!
97
00:04:41,274 --> 00:04:43,324
OK, OK, OK, OK, OK!
98
00:04:43,326 --> 00:04:46,252
HE SIGHS
99
00:04:46,254 --> 00:04:48,272
Abou Diaby is tempted
by a move to Spain.
100
00:04:48,274 --> 00:04:50,344
- There's talk of him going to Villarreal.
- Oh, just... - Get off me!
101
00:04:50,346 --> 00:04:54,300
All right, all right, chill out, chill
out, be cool, be cool, be cool! Ooh!
102
00:04:54,302 --> 00:04:57,292
Are you absolutely sure
you want to know this?
103
00:04:57,294 --> 00:05:01,336
- Is it going to upset me?
- Well, how are you with constructive criticism?
104
00:05:01,338 --> 00:05:03,254
SHE SIGHS
105
00:05:04,250 --> 00:05:06,276
I take it on board, I improve.
106
00:05:06,278 --> 00:05:07,302
OK.
107
00:05:09,266 --> 00:05:10,340
Well, he said that you're...
108
00:05:10,342 --> 00:05:12,300
a bad kisser.
109
00:05:12,302 --> 00:05:15,272
Screw you, and screw him!
110
00:05:15,274 --> 00:05:17,316
He can shove his pissing lips
up his pissing arse!
111
00:05:17,318 --> 00:05:21,296
- Take it on board, you can
improve. - Oh, this is utter crap.
112
00:05:21,298 --> 00:05:23,300
I mean, if anything,
he's the bad kisser.
113
00:05:23,302 --> 00:05:27,280
I mean, his tongue was circling
a lot slower than mine.
114
00:05:27,282 --> 00:05:29,312
And who made him the king
of kissers?
115
00:05:29,314 --> 00:05:32,276
He didn't even make any noises!
116
00:05:32,278 --> 00:05:33,328
Huh!
117
00:05:33,330 --> 00:05:35,344
It's all bollocks, anyway,
isn't it, kissing?
118
00:05:35,346 --> 00:05:37,272
HE CHUCKLES
119
00:05:37,274 --> 00:05:39,256
Oh, shall we talk
about Abou Diaby again?
120
00:05:39,258 --> 00:05:42,314
I always thought they should have
shown a bit more faith in him.
121
00:05:47,318 --> 00:05:50,256
Although he's wrong,
and he IS wrong,
122
00:05:50,258 --> 00:05:52,322
out of interest,
did he give any specifics?
123
00:05:55,290 --> 00:05:58,316
Well, he did say that you were
a little... aggressive.
124
00:05:58,318 --> 00:06:00,252
Aggressive?
125
00:06:00,254 --> 00:06:01,300
- Little old me?
- Yeah.
126
00:06:01,302 --> 00:06:02,312
That's bullshit!
127
00:06:02,314 --> 00:06:04,312
Said his mouth was sore afterwards.
128
00:06:04,314 --> 00:06:08,324
- Like, you know you get that weird pain when
you've eaten too many sugary sweets? - Yeah?
129
00:06:08,326 --> 00:06:11,272
He said it was like getting off
with a bag of Tangfastics.
130
00:06:11,274 --> 00:06:12,278
SHE GASPS
131
00:06:19,254 --> 00:06:20,292
Ah, Kate.
132
00:06:20,294 --> 00:06:22,284
Did I ever tell you about
the previous tenant
133
00:06:22,286 --> 00:06:25,276
who tried to save money by lighting
the flat by candles?
134
00:06:25,278 --> 00:06:26,280
Yes.
135
00:06:26,282 --> 00:06:28,308
Can I chill in here for a sec?
136
00:06:28,310 --> 00:06:30,260
I need cheering up.
137
00:06:30,262 --> 00:06:32,284
How about we talk about
how you can't swim?
138
00:06:32,286 --> 00:06:35,276
- Don't know what you're talking about, mate.
- The fact you can't swim.
139
00:06:35,278 --> 00:06:39,292
That's why you're freaking out about this party, isn't it?
It's not your lifelong fear of red cups.
140
00:06:39,294 --> 00:06:41,316
Of course I can swim!
Everyone can swim!
141
00:06:41,318 --> 00:06:44,316
Do remember I went to school
with you.
142
00:06:44,318 --> 00:06:46,256
OK, I can't swim.
143
00:06:46,258 --> 00:06:47,336
You see, that wasn't so hard,
was it?
144
00:06:47,338 --> 00:06:49,272
You can't swim?!
145
00:06:49,274 --> 00:06:50,296
Yes, OK, Geoff.
146
00:06:50,298 --> 00:06:53,272
But it wasn't my fault. As a child
I was allergic to chlorine.
147
00:06:53,274 --> 00:06:56,284
Yeah, I know, it wasn't a secret.
We all saw how red it made you.
148
00:06:56,286 --> 00:06:58,280
That's why people called you
the dog's dick.
149
00:06:58,282 --> 00:06:59,284
GEOFF CHUCKLES
150
00:06:59,286 --> 00:07:01,304
Remember when the caretaker's
whippet had puppies
151
00:07:01,306 --> 00:07:03,276
- and everyone blamed it on you?
- Yes!
152
00:07:03,278 --> 00:07:04,308
Genius. What a school!
153
00:07:04,310 --> 00:07:05,342
Yes, thank you, Geoff!
154
00:07:07,262 --> 00:07:09,336
See, that is exactly why
I'm not going. It's embarrassing.
155
00:07:09,338 --> 00:07:12,276
That's stupid.
Look, let me tell you this.
156
00:07:12,278 --> 00:07:15,312
I have a friend who was recently
told she was a bad swimmer,
157
00:07:15,314 --> 00:07:19,248
when in fact it was the person she
was swimming with who couldn't swim.
158
00:07:19,250 --> 00:07:21,260
I mean, he didn't even make
any swimming noises.
159
00:07:21,262 --> 00:07:22,328
What the hell are you talking about?
160
00:07:22,330 --> 00:07:25,260
All I'm saying is, if someone says
you're a bad swimmer,
161
00:07:25,262 --> 00:07:27,252
it doesn't necessarily
mean they're right.
162
00:07:27,254 --> 00:07:29,300
I mean, maybe they don't appreciate
that your technique
163
00:07:29,302 --> 00:07:31,268
is far more advanced than theirs.
164
00:07:31,270 --> 00:07:33,252
Kate, I can't stay afloat.
165
00:07:33,254 --> 00:07:36,304
- That is an issue.
- I think people would appreciate it if you told the truth.
166
00:07:36,306 --> 00:07:39,336
- Geoff!
- Would you think any less of me if I told you I can't swim either?
167
00:07:39,338 --> 00:07:40,340
Can you not?
168
00:07:40,342 --> 00:07:42,326
Of course I can, it's easy!
169
00:07:56,330 --> 00:07:58,316
Here's an interesting story for you.
170
00:07:58,318 --> 00:08:01,324
Did you know Robbie Savage once
tried to bring back the Ugg boot?
171
00:08:01,326 --> 00:08:03,312
I heard that he wore
a pair on Football Focus
172
00:08:03,314 --> 00:08:06,262
and Manish tried to have him
thrown off set.
173
00:08:08,290 --> 00:08:09,308
That can't be true, can it?
174
00:08:09,310 --> 00:08:11,284
Although that is how Manish
would react.
175
00:08:11,286 --> 00:08:13,284
He's always been a very
conservative dresser.
176
00:08:13,286 --> 00:08:16,258
Although in my mind,
a consummate broadcaster.
177
00:08:19,270 --> 00:08:22,248
- Any thoughts on Manish, Kate.
- Stop trying to small-talk me, Owen.
178
00:08:22,250 --> 00:08:23,272
You are in my bad books.
179
00:08:23,274 --> 00:08:26,320
- I've been pondering your lack of loyalty all day.
- Is this to do with Robbie Savage?
180
00:08:26,322 --> 00:08:29,316
I know he played for Man United, but
first and foremost I am a Welshman.
181
00:08:29,318 --> 00:08:32,272
I can't believe you believe Simon
over me about the kissing.
182
00:08:32,274 --> 00:08:35,256
- I never said who I believed.
- Who do you believe? - Simon. Why?
183
00:08:35,258 --> 00:08:37,276
- There've always been
rumours. - What rumours?
184
00:08:37,278 --> 00:08:38,284
At uni.
185
00:08:38,286 --> 00:08:40,268
Oh, that I worked hard, played hard?
186
00:08:40,270 --> 00:08:42,272
Oh, yeah, that would spread
like wildfire.
187
00:08:42,274 --> 00:08:45,276
No, that kissing-wise you were
a little on the nibbly side.
188
00:08:45,278 --> 00:08:46,308
What does that even mean?
189
00:08:46,310 --> 00:08:48,248
You're a biter, Kate.
190
00:08:48,250 --> 00:08:50,292
No, I am not!
191
00:08:50,294 --> 00:08:52,252
I am a lover, not a biter.
192
00:08:52,254 --> 00:08:53,340
- Why don't you ask him.
- Ask me what?
193
00:08:53,342 --> 00:08:55,340
OK, be honest with me.
194
00:08:55,342 --> 00:08:58,340
Were there any rumours
about my kissing at university?
195
00:08:58,342 --> 00:09:00,300
Well, people called you The Nibbler.
196
00:09:00,302 --> 00:09:02,312
- People called me
that. - Sometimes Bette Nibbler.
197
00:09:02,314 --> 00:09:05,300
- Oh, dear God!
- Look, would you like me to give you a kissing lesson?
198
00:09:05,302 --> 00:09:07,296
This is not the time to be
coming on to me, Owen.
199
00:09:07,298 --> 00:09:11,264
Trust me, I'm not interested in getting off
with you, apart from a morbid fascination.
200
00:09:11,266 --> 00:09:14,340
Same way I'd be interested in going to an
abattoir, but I wouldn't want to French kiss it.
201
00:09:14,342 --> 00:09:17,308
- Is this supposed to be helping.
- Trust me, I'm an expert kisser.
202
00:09:17,310 --> 00:09:20,256
I used to earn money teaching
people how to kiss at school.
203
00:09:20,258 --> 00:09:22,308
Why don't I set aside an hour
tomorrow, give you a few tips
204
00:09:22,310 --> 00:09:24,304
and set you up with another date
with Simon?
205
00:09:24,306 --> 00:09:28,312
No, I'm sorry, I'm not going through the
humiliation of being taught to kiss in my 20s.
206
00:09:28,314 --> 00:09:29,344
I am hanging up my lips.
207
00:09:29,346 --> 00:09:31,280
What, to dry?
208
00:09:31,282 --> 00:09:34,312
- Cos you're quite slobbery, you know?
- Oh, piss off! - Sorry, OK.
209
00:09:34,314 --> 00:09:37,312
Why do people insist on
"replying all" to e-mail strings?
210
00:09:37,314 --> 00:09:39,264
I mean, I'm not coming to the party,
211
00:09:39,266 --> 00:09:41,316
I don't want to read
e-mail after e-mail saying,
212
00:09:41,318 --> 00:09:43,312
"Ooh, I can't wait
for the pool party.
213
00:09:43,314 --> 00:09:46,256
"Must warn you, though,
chlorine can turn me frisky."
214
00:09:46,258 --> 00:09:48,276
OWEN LAUGHS I was actually
quite pleased with that.
215
00:09:48,278 --> 00:09:51,252
- Why does chlorine turn you frisky?
- All the girls are in bikinis.
216
00:09:51,254 --> 00:09:54,328
- What's that got to do with the chlorine?
- Well, I smell chlorine, then I remember bikinis.
217
00:09:54,330 --> 00:09:57,324
I'm not going to the party. I'm going
to remove myself from the string.
218
00:09:57,326 --> 00:10:00,248
I am de-stringing myself.
219
00:10:00,250 --> 00:10:01,268
Oh, whoa, whoa, whoa...
220
00:10:01,270 --> 00:10:03,264
Look at this
e-mail from Phoebe Whiting!
221
00:10:03,266 --> 00:10:04,316
Who's Phoebe Whiting?
222
00:10:04,318 --> 00:10:06,300
I don't know, but listen to this.
223
00:10:06,302 --> 00:10:08,336
"Holly, have you invited that
strangely cute,
224
00:10:08,338 --> 00:10:10,268
"funny little short arse
225
00:10:10,270 --> 00:10:12,280
"with the bad hair from uni?"
226
00:10:12,282 --> 00:10:14,272
And then, two minutes later,
227
00:10:14,274 --> 00:10:17,260
"Oops, didn't mean to reply all!
Soz, awks."
228
00:10:17,262 --> 00:10:20,292
- You know what this means, don't you?
- Phoebe Whiting hasn't mastered Gmail?
229
00:10:20,294 --> 00:10:22,312
No. I don't agree with her views
on my hair,
230
00:10:22,314 --> 00:10:24,320
but Phoebe Whiting
clearly fancies me.
231
00:10:24,322 --> 00:10:28,256
What are you on about? I'm the one she
fancies, she doesn't even know who you are!
232
00:10:28,258 --> 00:10:31,264
Exactly! Hence why
I'm the mysterious short arse.
233
00:10:31,266 --> 00:10:33,248
Come on, mate, I'm five foot seven.
234
00:10:33,250 --> 00:10:35,280
Well, I'm five foot six and a half,
so I win!
235
00:10:35,282 --> 00:10:37,292
Bow to the true short arse,
you lanky twat!
236
00:10:37,294 --> 00:10:39,272
At the party tomorrow
I'll talk to Phoebe.
237
00:10:39,274 --> 00:10:42,332
I'll say, "Who do you fancy, me or Josh?" Then
Phoebe and I will get off with each other.
238
00:10:42,334 --> 00:10:46,344
- Don't worry about that, I'll ask her myself, cos
I'm coming to the party. - Good, I'll see you there!
239
00:10:46,346 --> 00:10:50,310
- I'll see you there too!
- Does that still mean you'll drive me. - If you'll pay petrol.
240
00:10:55,254 --> 00:10:58,276
Hi, Ian, it's Kate Anderson here.
241
00:10:58,278 --> 00:11:02,256
Yeah, we dated for about a fortnight
in the first year of uni?
242
00:11:02,258 --> 00:11:04,304
No, er, blonde, worked hard...
243
00:11:04,306 --> 00:11:06,312
Kate! Yes, er, that's the one.
244
00:11:06,314 --> 00:11:08,284
Yeah, no, yeah, I'm good, thanks.
245
00:11:08,286 --> 00:11:12,250
Um... weird question. Er... could you
remind me why we split up?
246
00:11:13,314 --> 00:11:17,252
Exactly, not ready for a
relationship. Yeah, me either.
247
00:11:17,254 --> 00:11:20,262
Um... so there was nothing
I was doing that put you off?
248
00:11:22,266 --> 00:11:24,272
The Vicar of Nibbly?
249
00:11:24,274 --> 00:11:27,256
Do you know the only member
of ZZ Top without a beard
250
00:11:27,258 --> 00:11:28,332
is called Frank Beard?
251
00:11:28,334 --> 00:11:31,280
Oh, good fact, Phoebe's going to
love that.
252
00:11:31,282 --> 00:11:34,332
I'm not trying to get off with you,
am I? Save my best facts for Phoebe.
253
00:11:34,334 --> 00:11:36,284
Oh, so what's your best fact?
254
00:11:36,286 --> 00:11:39,288
As if I'm going to give away my best
fact to a love rival.
255
00:11:39,290 --> 00:11:41,284
Right! Er...
256
00:11:41,286 --> 00:11:46,256
Kate Gnashers, Buffy the Vampire
Kisser, The Friday Bite Project,
257
00:11:46,258 --> 00:11:50,248
Edvard Munch, Chewbacca,
Archbishop Desmond Chew Chew.
258
00:11:50,250 --> 00:11:52,312
- So are we going to do those
lessons. - Yes, please.
259
00:11:52,314 --> 00:11:54,290
No problem, Monster Munch!
260
00:12:01,266 --> 00:12:03,280
You'd take coleslaw to a party,
wouldn't you?
261
00:12:03,282 --> 00:12:06,252
- No, of course not.
- No, neither would I.
262
00:12:06,254 --> 00:12:07,280
Baba ghanoush?
263
00:12:07,282 --> 00:12:08,336
What's baba ghanoush?
264
00:12:08,338 --> 00:12:10,308
It's a kind of Persian salsa.
265
00:12:10,310 --> 00:12:13,292
- Whose party are you going to? Aladdin's?
- No, the pool party.
266
00:12:13,294 --> 00:12:15,292
Oh, please
tell me you're not going to that.
267
00:12:15,294 --> 00:12:17,272
Yeah, yeah. I thought about
what you said,
268
00:12:17,274 --> 00:12:18,324
and I need to grow up and move on.
269
00:12:18,326 --> 00:12:22,340
Really? Why would you suddenly decide... Oh, there's
a girl you want to have sex with, isn't there?
270
00:12:22,342 --> 00:12:24,252
Not necessarily, no.
271
00:12:24,254 --> 00:12:25,304
Well, I wouldn't
get your hopes up.
272
00:12:25,306 --> 00:12:28,332
Not unless she gets turned on by watching
people wedgying the hell out of you.
273
00:12:28,334 --> 00:12:32,280
- You said it would be fine!
- That's when you weren't going. I could say what I wanted.
274
00:12:32,282 --> 00:12:34,272
I'll just read a book.
I'll look cerebral.
275
00:12:34,274 --> 00:12:37,292
People don't go to pool parties
for cerebral, Josh.
276
00:12:37,294 --> 00:12:40,252
They go for inflatable crocodiles
and splashing.
277
00:12:40,254 --> 00:12:43,272
- Well, I can just splash her from the side.
- No-one likes a side splasher.
278
00:12:43,274 --> 00:12:46,308
When it comes to getting wet, you
either go hard or you go home, dry.
279
00:12:46,310 --> 00:12:48,260
Well, what am I going to do, then?
280
00:12:48,262 --> 00:12:51,256
OK, well, what I was thinking is,
if the worst comes to the worst
281
00:12:51,258 --> 00:12:53,316
you can just stick to the
shallow end and wade about.
282
00:12:53,318 --> 00:12:56,272
Oh, that's your solution,
paddling? That is unbelievable!
283
00:12:56,274 --> 00:12:59,264
Not just paddling, maybe wet your
hair occasionally
284
00:12:59,266 --> 00:13:00,300
by dunking your head in.
285
00:13:00,302 --> 00:13:03,332
Dunk my head? This is a pool party,
not an adult baptism.
286
00:13:03,334 --> 00:13:07,252
I want to get in her pants,
not her church.
287
00:13:07,254 --> 00:13:09,260
What about guacamole?
288
00:13:09,262 --> 00:13:10,308
You're so sad.
289
00:13:10,310 --> 00:13:14,258
Now, if you'll excuse me,
I've got a kissing lesson to attend.
290
00:13:15,322 --> 00:13:17,260
Right, OK, let's get cracking.
291
00:13:17,262 --> 00:13:20,328
First off, I want you to tell me
in intimate detail how you kiss.
292
00:13:20,330 --> 00:13:23,256
OK, just, er... keep your hands
where I can see them.
293
00:13:23,258 --> 00:13:25,280
It's fine, Kate, I know the standard
of your kissing,
294
00:13:25,282 --> 00:13:26,320
that's not going to be an issue.
295
00:13:26,322 --> 00:13:27,344
OK, fine.
296
00:13:27,346 --> 00:13:29,300
- Er, well... first I lean in.
- Yeah?
297
00:13:29,302 --> 00:13:31,340
And then I lean out again,
and they have to follow me,
298
00:13:31,342 --> 00:13:35,252
which means I regain control
of the situation.
299
00:13:35,254 --> 00:13:36,292
Right...
300
00:13:36,294 --> 00:13:38,316
Er... and then I start kissing,
sort of,
301
00:13:38,318 --> 00:13:40,344
tongue exploring every nook
and cranny,
302
00:13:40,346 --> 00:13:43,272
sort of, reaching for the molars...
303
00:13:43,274 --> 00:13:44,284
Jesus Christ!
304
00:13:44,286 --> 00:13:46,268
...and then my hands come up
to the neck.
305
00:13:46,270 --> 00:13:47,340
- This is better.
- Yeah? OK, yeah.
306
00:13:47,342 --> 00:13:50,252
Er... sort of, one on the front,
one on the back...
307
00:13:50,254 --> 00:13:51,324
Oh, God, why? Jack the Ripper!
308
00:13:51,326 --> 00:13:53,324
Oh, and I keep my eyes open
throughout.
309
00:13:53,326 --> 00:13:56,338
Just to make sure he's not doing
anything weird, like looking at me.
310
00:13:58,274 --> 00:14:00,256
Right. Um... OK, Kate.
311
00:14:00,258 --> 00:14:03,278
Er... cancel any meetings,
cos this is going to take a while.
312
00:14:04,286 --> 00:14:05,318
DOORBELL RINGS
313
00:14:09,250 --> 00:14:10,284
Joshy boy!
314
00:14:10,286 --> 00:14:11,332
Oh, Geoff, I'm really busy.
315
00:14:11,334 --> 00:14:13,272
Great news.
316
00:14:13,274 --> 00:14:15,252
I have solved your swimming
predicament.
317
00:14:15,254 --> 00:14:17,264
- Really?
- Oh, yes.
318
00:14:17,266 --> 00:14:19,324
Your problems are over, finito.
319
00:14:19,326 --> 00:14:21,284
Well, that's good to know.
320
00:14:21,286 --> 00:14:24,300
Did you know I used to coach
a synchronised swimming team?
321
00:14:24,302 --> 00:14:26,272
- No.
- What a time.
322
00:14:26,274 --> 00:14:28,344
I was 18, we had our first
female prime minister,
323
00:14:28,346 --> 00:14:31,248
My Sharona was riding high
in the charts.
324
00:14:31,250 --> 00:14:33,312
Meanwhile, the Clacton Sardines
had claimed second place
325
00:14:33,314 --> 00:14:35,280
in the Essex
Intermediate Swimathon.
326
00:14:35,282 --> 00:14:36,284
What a week!
327
00:14:36,286 --> 00:14:38,252
Why are you telling me this?
328
00:14:38,254 --> 00:14:39,272
Building trust.
329
00:14:39,274 --> 00:14:43,276
Because, right here, right now,
I'm going to teach you how to swim.
330
00:14:43,278 --> 00:14:45,316
- Really? Do you think you can do that?
- I know I can.
331
00:14:45,318 --> 00:14:47,328
But first of all, health and safety.
332
00:14:47,330 --> 00:14:50,280
- Do you know what these are.
- Oh, God, have you got verrucas?
333
00:14:50,282 --> 00:14:52,268
No, because I always wear these.
334
00:14:52,270 --> 00:14:56,268
In fact, I quite often wear a pair under my normal
socks just in case I fancy a dip at any point.
335
00:14:56,270 --> 00:14:58,308
- What ARE you?
- And in particularly dirty water,
336
00:14:58,310 --> 00:15:00,252
I wear a pair on my hands as well.
337
00:15:00,254 --> 00:15:01,304
Are you the boy in the bubble?
338
00:15:01,306 --> 00:15:04,308
- Do you want to learn to swim? Yes or no?
- Yes. - Well, listen up, then.
339
00:15:04,310 --> 00:15:08,274
And if you impress, I'll reward you
with a pair of these bad boys.
340
00:15:12,302 --> 00:15:14,264
- Mm-hmm...
- Mm-hmm?
341
00:15:14,266 --> 00:15:17,248
- OK. Eyes!
- Oh, sorry.
342
00:15:17,250 --> 00:15:18,320
Yeah...
343
00:15:18,322 --> 00:15:19,336
Right!
344
00:15:19,338 --> 00:15:23,280
- OK, well, you're getting there, you're getting there.
- Yeah? Yeah!
345
00:15:23,282 --> 00:15:26,300
- And, er... you're sure people find
the noises off-putting? - Yes, yes.
346
00:15:26,302 --> 00:15:29,248
I would reserve those noises
for the tennis court.
347
00:15:29,250 --> 00:15:31,292
Fine. And what about the winking?
348
00:15:31,294 --> 00:15:34,248
Well, I thought the winking
was unintentional.
349
00:15:34,250 --> 00:15:36,296
I just thought you had something
in your eye.
350
00:15:36,298 --> 00:15:38,336
Yeah... Yeah, no, I did, yeah.
351
00:15:38,338 --> 00:15:39,340
It's... all gone now.
352
00:15:39,342 --> 00:15:42,280
OK, well, er... now it's time
for the next level.
353
00:15:42,282 --> 00:15:44,292
- Cool, hickies!
- Hickies?
354
00:15:44,294 --> 00:15:47,284
- Who gives a hicky in 2015?
- Me?
355
00:15:47,286 --> 00:15:48,332
Why?
356
00:15:48,334 --> 00:15:51,336
- Marking my territory.
- What, like you're tagging them?
357
00:15:51,338 --> 00:15:54,312
- Are you Banksy?
- No, of course not. I'm not that political.
358
00:15:54,314 --> 00:15:56,340
Oh, my God, you have got big
problems.
359
00:15:56,342 --> 00:15:59,316
Right, we will deal with hickies...
another day.
360
00:15:59,318 --> 00:16:02,328
Um... anyway, it's time now
for you to practise kissing
361
00:16:02,330 --> 00:16:04,304
on a real person's mouth.
362
00:16:04,306 --> 00:16:06,340
Obviously... I'm comfortable
with this.
363
00:16:06,342 --> 00:16:08,336
Oh-ho-ho-ho!
364
00:16:08,338 --> 00:16:12,340
I knew it! This is just the chance
you've been looking for, isn't it?
365
00:16:12,342 --> 00:16:15,304
All because you wanted
a taste of the K-bomb.
366
00:16:15,306 --> 00:16:18,264
I bet you made this whole thing up
just so you could snog me!
367
00:16:18,266 --> 00:16:22,276
Kate, I am kissing you with
a sense of acute trepidation.
368
00:16:22,278 --> 00:16:23,302
A quick reminder...
369
00:16:24,334 --> 00:16:26,344
I know what you did
to these apples earlier on.
370
00:16:26,346 --> 00:16:28,340
Yeah, OK...
371
00:16:28,342 --> 00:16:31,256
A good swimmer should be faster
than a walking man.
372
00:16:31,258 --> 00:16:35,276
In a race across a lake between
Ian Thorpedo and Jesus Christ,
373
00:16:35,278 --> 00:16:37,268
I know where my money would be.
374
00:16:37,270 --> 00:16:40,264
Good. So that's swimming
in the public eye dealt with.
375
00:16:40,266 --> 00:16:42,336
Now, on to swimming technique.
376
00:16:42,338 --> 00:16:44,272
Yeah, that should hold me.
377
00:16:44,274 --> 00:16:46,344
Now, I'll start with butterfly.
It's my favourite stroke.
378
00:16:46,346 --> 00:16:48,312
So if you see me doing
anything else,
379
00:16:48,314 --> 00:16:52,292
feel free to yell, "I can't believe
it's not butterfly!"
380
00:16:52,294 --> 00:16:53,308
Keep an eye out for that.
381
00:16:53,310 --> 00:16:55,340
Well, in that case you may also
enjoy describing me
382
00:16:55,342 --> 00:16:58,276
as "Utterly Butterflee".
383
00:16:58,278 --> 00:17:01,288
It should actually be "butterfly,"
obviously. That never did work.
384
00:17:01,290 --> 00:17:03,272
Bringing back all the old
teacher banter.
385
00:17:03,274 --> 00:17:06,272
I bet if I fall off this thing,
I'll land butterfly-side up.
386
00:17:06,274 --> 00:17:07,328
- Move on, Geoff.
- Yeah.
387
00:17:07,330 --> 00:17:09,288
This is the butterfly stroke...
388
00:17:09,290 --> 00:17:10,304
GEOFF GRUNTS
389
00:17:10,306 --> 00:17:14,264
So called because it mirrors the
graceful flap of the butterfly wing.
390
00:17:14,266 --> 00:17:16,308
GEOFF EXHALES WILDLY
391
00:17:16,310 --> 00:17:17,322
Clearly.
392
00:17:21,274 --> 00:17:24,342
Over a short distance, it's actually
faster than front crawl.
393
00:17:26,262 --> 00:17:28,284
I always think if I was ever
in Total Wipeout
394
00:17:28,286 --> 00:17:30,256
and I fell off those big red balls,
395
00:17:30,258 --> 00:17:33,268
I'd actually use this stroke
to swim back to the ladder.
396
00:17:33,270 --> 00:17:36,300
Not that I would fall off the big red
balls in the first place, obviously.
397
00:17:36,302 --> 00:17:40,264
- So, once again...
- I'm just going to use this opportunity to take a picture.
398
00:17:40,266 --> 00:17:43,264
So it's arms, legs, breathing out,
breathing out, breathing out,
399
00:17:43,266 --> 00:17:47,312
breathing out. Have you
got that. - I've got it.
400
00:17:47,314 --> 00:17:50,260
- You remember it all? Definitely.
- You sure? Yeah.
401
00:17:50,262 --> 00:17:53,316
- Reckon you can do it?
- Yeah. - Wrong. Butterfly is actually the hardest stroke.
402
00:17:53,318 --> 00:17:57,262
It's way beyond your capabilities,
Josh. Avoid at all costs.
403
00:18:02,314 --> 00:18:04,316
Good!
404
00:18:04,318 --> 00:18:07,304
OK, let me do a quick inventory.
My tongue?
405
00:18:07,306 --> 00:18:09,268
- Yeah, all present and correct.
- Yeah.
406
00:18:09,270 --> 00:18:11,260
And saliva...
407
00:18:11,262 --> 00:18:14,300
- Ooh, it's nominal!
- Ooh. - Look at that, excellent, well done!
408
00:18:14,302 --> 00:18:16,332
- Good!
- Er... lips? Oh...
409
00:18:16,334 --> 00:18:18,284
Oh, that's swollen, that's sore.
410
00:18:18,286 --> 00:18:20,304
- No, no, that's from earlier.
- Yes, it was!
411
00:18:20,306 --> 00:18:22,312
- Ah! No new injuries!
- Yes!
412
00:18:22,314 --> 00:18:23,332
Oh, that's so brilliant!
413
00:18:23,334 --> 00:18:26,264
Well, it gives me great pleasure
to announce that you,
414
00:18:26,266 --> 00:18:30,252
Kate Barbara Anderson, have graduated with
first class honours from kissing university!
415
00:18:30,254 --> 00:18:34,272
- Oh, thank you!
- Maybe a 2:1. Anyway, that means you've earned yourself another date with Simon.
416
00:18:34,274 --> 00:18:36,292
- Cool.
- It's time for Archbishop Desmond Chew Chew
417
00:18:36,294 --> 00:18:38,304
to find out the real meaning
of missionary work.
418
00:18:38,306 --> 00:18:41,272
- Yeah, I'm not necessarily going to put out, though.
- Come on...
419
00:18:41,274 --> 00:18:42,344
Yeah, fair enough.
420
00:18:42,346 --> 00:18:45,340
The disadvantage of backstroke is
you cannot see where you're going,
421
00:18:45,342 --> 00:18:50,248
so it's always best to follow the ceiling lights,
unless you're swimming across a lake at night,
422
00:18:50,250 --> 00:18:52,318
in which case use the stars
to navigate with.
423
00:18:54,254 --> 00:18:57,304
Why would I be swimming
across a lake at night?
424
00:18:57,306 --> 00:18:59,280
It takes you when it takes you,
Josh!
425
00:18:59,282 --> 00:19:02,284
For me it was 1984, Lake Titicaca.
426
00:19:02,286 --> 00:19:06,268
Naked. I was out there for three and
a half hours. Got completely lost.
427
00:19:06,270 --> 00:19:07,288
It was a cloudy night.
428
00:19:07,290 --> 00:19:10,264
If it hadn't been for my unit
rescuing me, I'd have been a goner.
429
00:19:10,266 --> 00:19:12,304
God bless the Territorial Army.
430
00:19:12,306 --> 00:19:15,300
And that is what separates man
from cod.
431
00:19:15,302 --> 00:19:17,260
So...
432
00:19:17,262 --> 00:19:19,320
have we solved your little
swimming problem?
433
00:19:19,322 --> 00:19:22,256
Difficult to tell, Geoff,
since we're on dry land,
434
00:19:22,258 --> 00:19:25,296
but, um... I'm hoping the swimming
pool will be full of ironing boards.
435
00:19:25,298 --> 00:19:28,344
Well, if it turns out you still can't swim,
I suggest you're just honest with them.
436
00:19:28,346 --> 00:19:34,276
- They'll respect you for it.
- Or I charm Phoebe before the pool and then snog her on terra firma.
437
00:19:34,278 --> 00:19:37,312
Well, you'd better take a pair of rubbers
to put in your back pocket just in case.
438
00:19:37,314 --> 00:19:40,324
- Better still, put them on beforehand.
- Geoff, what are you talking about?
439
00:19:40,326 --> 00:19:41,342
Oh, right, yeah.
440
00:19:44,346 --> 00:19:47,280
God, I love a pool party.
441
00:19:47,282 --> 00:19:50,280
- I once went to a mental one at Shaggy's house.
- The singer?
442
00:19:50,282 --> 00:19:53,316
Well, you're being a bit generous
there, but yeah, it was insane.
443
00:19:53,318 --> 00:19:55,340
There was champagne, strippers...
444
00:19:55,342 --> 00:19:58,296
and someone did a wee in the
pool. - Did he sing It Wasn't Me?
445
00:19:58,298 --> 00:20:01,344
- It was him. Sean Paul filmed it on his phone.
- Why were you at Shaggy's house?
446
00:20:01,346 --> 00:20:04,276
Well, he went out with my cousin
for a bit.
447
00:20:04,278 --> 00:20:07,320
Then, er... you know, he did a wee
in the pool, so it ended.
448
00:20:07,322 --> 00:20:10,256
I'm going to tell Phoebe that.
Might impress her.
449
00:20:10,258 --> 00:20:12,328
I doubt it, mate, cos
it's not 1997, and you're not me.
450
00:20:12,330 --> 00:20:14,276
Oh, God!
451
00:20:14,278 --> 00:20:17,256
- Do you still think that she
fancies you instead of me? - Yes!
452
00:20:17,258 --> 00:20:20,300
I cannot wait to see the look on your
face when I'm having sex with Phoebe.
453
00:20:20,302 --> 00:20:24,288
- Why would you be looking at my face when you're
having sex with Phoebe? - Ah, he's admitted it!
454
00:20:24,290 --> 00:20:26,310
I'm going to be
having sex with Phoebe!
455
00:20:33,322 --> 00:20:35,330
- Hey!
- Hi.
456
00:20:36,326 --> 00:20:39,304
- Sorry I'm... Ooh! Oh,
the double. - Of course.
457
00:20:39,306 --> 00:20:43,268
- Well negotiated!
- Yes. - Well done, us!
458
00:20:43,270 --> 00:20:45,272
- Nailed it!
- Nailed on the head. - Yeah!
459
00:20:45,274 --> 00:20:48,296
- Nine Inch Nails.
- Yeah...! So this pub is a...
460
00:20:48,298 --> 00:20:49,308
"Nail" by mouth!
461
00:20:49,310 --> 00:20:51,308
That's it, yeah! This pub, er...
462
00:20:51,310 --> 00:20:54,280
I'm really glad you brought us here,
because I was looking it up.
463
00:20:54,282 --> 00:20:56,316
Apparently the head chef trained
under Michel Roux...
464
00:20:56,318 --> 00:21:00,296
- Jimmy Nail!
- Nice one! - That's another one.
465
00:21:00,298 --> 00:21:03,272
Under... Under Gav...
Gavroche, which is, er... yeah.
466
00:21:03,274 --> 00:21:05,268
- Look, sorry about last
time... - No, no, no, no!
467
00:21:05,270 --> 00:21:08,344
- No, no, honestly I think, no...
We were both nervous. - Yeah.
468
00:21:08,346 --> 00:21:10,324
Je deteste les nerves!
469
00:21:10,326 --> 00:21:12,340
Do you always speak French
when you're nervous?
470
00:21:12,342 --> 00:21:14,252
Oui!
471
00:21:14,254 --> 00:21:16,284
HE CHUCKLES
Je m'appelle Kate!
472
00:21:16,286 --> 00:21:17,288
Ah, bonjour, Kate!
473
00:21:17,290 --> 00:21:20,308
Vous etes aussi belle
comme un manteau d'ete.
474
00:21:20,310 --> 00:21:22,324
Michel Roux! THEY LAUGH
475
00:21:22,326 --> 00:21:25,284
Voulez-vous couche avec moi?
476
00:21:25,286 --> 00:21:28,316
- Sorry, sorry, that's... Yeah.
- It's OK. - Probably get a drink first.
477
00:21:28,318 --> 00:21:30,346
- Yeah, what would you like.
- Er... gin?
478
00:21:32,262 --> 00:21:34,268
Did you know Shaggy
fought in the Gulf War?
479
00:21:34,270 --> 00:21:38,288
- Is that one of your facts you're going to impress Phoebe with?
- No, cos that's not one of my good facts.
480
00:21:38,290 --> 00:21:41,268
If you use that fact on her,
I will gazump you.
481
00:21:41,270 --> 00:21:42,316
- Boys!
- BOTH: Hey!
482
00:21:42,318 --> 00:21:44,328
- Get your arses in here.
- Oh, my arse is coming in.
483
00:21:44,330 --> 00:21:46,302
And, er, I've brought my arse.
484
00:21:48,342 --> 00:21:50,320
Downstairs toilets
are for chundering,
485
00:21:50,322 --> 00:21:52,336
and if you follow me through here...
486
00:21:52,338 --> 00:21:54,328
One pool party!
487
00:21:54,330 --> 00:21:59,268
Oh, my God, amazing! I thought you'd
brought us to an actual pool party!
488
00:21:59,270 --> 00:22:00,308
I'm joking!
489
00:22:00,310 --> 00:22:03,312
- Your face!
- Oh, yeah, I was joking as well.
490
00:22:03,314 --> 00:22:05,280
Good play from both of us!
SHE CHUCKLES
491
00:22:05,282 --> 00:22:07,248
What a start to the party, eh?
492
00:22:07,250 --> 00:22:09,288
Everyone's through here.
Hope you've got your trunks!
493
00:22:09,290 --> 00:22:13,264
I mean, I don't think we should discount it,
it's a good game. We could play doubles.
494
00:22:13,266 --> 00:22:17,272
- No, I love that one that goes like...
waa-wa-waa, waa-wa-waa. - Ah!
495
00:22:17,274 --> 00:22:18,320
Oh, yeah, I don't know that one.
496
00:22:18,322 --> 00:22:21,312
- Yeah, it's great.
- Yeah. - It's really dubby. And steppy.
497
00:22:21,314 --> 00:22:24,304
- Yeah.
- It's like a perfect balance of both dub and step.
498
00:22:24,306 --> 00:22:26,256
What's it called?
499
00:22:26,258 --> 00:22:27,318
So, here we are again!
500
00:22:29,254 --> 00:22:30,344
Thanks for another great night.SHE SIGHS
501
00:22:30,346 --> 00:22:32,266
J'adore le date.
502
00:22:42,310 --> 00:22:44,280
Where did you learn the ear thing?
503
00:22:44,282 --> 00:22:46,312
That was like kissing...
504
00:22:46,314 --> 00:22:48,264
BOTH: Owen!
505
00:22:48,266 --> 00:22:49,268
Ooh!
506
00:22:49,270 --> 00:22:51,324
MUFFLED DANCE MUSIC PLAYS
507
00:22:51,326 --> 00:22:55,314
LAUGHTER AND CHATTER
508
00:23:04,318 --> 00:23:07,340
- Hey! It's good, this,
isn't it. - No, it's awful!
509
00:23:07,342 --> 00:23:10,320
I mean, that hasn't been
funny in about 20 years.
510
00:23:10,322 --> 00:23:14,312
- I don't know, I still think that's funny.
- You still find winding up your middle finger funny.
511
00:23:14,314 --> 00:23:16,280
How can that not be funny?
512
00:23:16,282 --> 00:23:20,328
Can we just go? I've been waiting two hours. I haven't
even seen Phoebe. I feel like I've been catfished.
513
00:23:20,330 --> 00:23:23,276
In a minute a 65-year-old man's
going to try to snog me.
514
00:23:23,278 --> 00:23:25,296
Well, if that was the case,
he'd be trying to snog me.
515
00:23:25,298 --> 00:23:27,248
How is that a victory?
516
00:23:27,250 --> 00:23:28,256
Oh, my God, look at that!
517
00:23:28,258 --> 00:23:30,272
There's some people over there
drinking real ale.
518
00:23:30,274 --> 00:23:32,344
- Is there?
- Course there isn't, you weirdo!
519
00:23:32,346 --> 00:23:34,248
Ooh!
520
00:23:34,250 --> 00:23:35,270
Help me! Help me!
521
00:23:39,262 --> 00:23:41,260
- Sorry about my dad.
- Oh, good one!
522
00:23:41,262 --> 00:23:43,276
- You're Josh, right?
- Yeah, yeah.
523
00:23:43,278 --> 00:23:46,252
Phoebe.
AKA PhoebTheWorld@Phoebe.com...
524
00:23:46,254 --> 00:23:47,320
Oh, yeah, Phoebe, good to see you!
525
00:23:47,322 --> 00:23:50,252
- How are you?
- Sorry about that e-mail business.
526
00:23:50,254 --> 00:23:52,252
- Oh, were you that Nigerian prince?
- Yeah!
527
00:23:52,254 --> 00:23:53,256
SHE CHUCKLES
528
00:23:53,258 --> 00:23:54,296
Do you want your ten grand back?
529
00:23:54,298 --> 00:23:55,334
THEY CHUCKLE
530
00:24:00,278 --> 00:24:02,276
Mmm!
531
00:24:02,278 --> 00:24:03,328
I love this stuff, what is it?
532
00:24:03,330 --> 00:24:06,308
Oh, I brought that! Do you know what
that is? That's baba ghanoush.
533
00:24:06,310 --> 00:24:08,288
- It's like a kind of Persian salsa.
- Ooh...
534
00:24:08,290 --> 00:24:11,300
Ooh! Good to see ZZ Top
could make it! JOSH LAUGHS
535
00:24:11,302 --> 00:24:12,304
Oh, here's a fact.
536
00:24:12,306 --> 00:24:15,320
Did you know the only member
of ZZ Top without a beard
537
00:24:15,322 --> 00:24:17,280
is called Brian Beard?
538
00:24:17,282 --> 00:24:19,284
I think you mean Frank Beard?
539
00:24:19,286 --> 00:24:22,260
- Yeah, Frank Beard, but it's still
a good fact, isn't it? - Awesome!
540
00:24:22,262 --> 00:24:25,328
- Do you fancy a game of pool?
- Mm! Can I shock you? I love pool.
541
00:24:25,330 --> 00:24:28,272
I love pool too! Let's go!
542
00:24:28,274 --> 00:24:31,272
Right! Everyone in the pool!
Volleyball!
543
00:24:31,274 --> 00:24:33,336
I love volleyball! Same team?
544
00:24:33,338 --> 00:24:36,344
I've just eaten, so the health and
safety police would be all over me.
545
00:24:36,346 --> 00:24:40,276
Oi! If you're not in, get in! I didn't
invite you to dawdle at the side!
546
00:24:40,278 --> 00:24:43,264
I was just saying I've eaten,
so it's not really right for me...
547
00:24:43,266 --> 00:24:46,276
- Do you want to join my team,
Phoebe. - Yeah, see you in there, Josh!
548
00:24:46,278 --> 00:24:49,300
No excuses. It's a
pool party. Get involved!
549
00:24:49,302 --> 00:24:51,304
No, no, I am a slave to cramp.
550
00:24:51,306 --> 00:24:53,344
- Cramp? All right, Steven Gerrard.
- What?
551
00:24:53,346 --> 00:24:57,280
Steven Gerrard famously got cramp
in the 2005 Champions League final.
552
00:24:57,282 --> 00:24:59,320
Oh, yeah, what a match!
The miracle in Istanbul.
553
00:24:59,322 --> 00:25:02,280
I could get it up on YouTube.
Why don't we hit the cinema room?
554
00:25:02,282 --> 00:25:04,336
- No, hit the water!
- No, I can't, no!
555
00:25:04,338 --> 00:25:08,280
- What is wrong with you? Get in the pool, mate, join us!
- Join us!
556
00:25:08,282 --> 00:25:09,296
- No!
- Join us!
557
00:25:09,298 --> 00:25:16,320
THEY ALL CHANT: Join us, join us,
join us, join us, join us, join us!
558
00:25:16,322 --> 00:25:18,288
What is this, Waco?
559
00:25:18,290 --> 00:25:21,256
THEY CHANT
560
00:25:21,258 --> 00:25:23,284
Get off! Leave me alone!
Get off! Get off!
561
00:25:23,286 --> 00:25:25,284
All right, all right, I can't swim!
562
00:25:25,286 --> 00:25:26,328
CHANTING STOPS
563
00:25:26,330 --> 00:25:28,344
- What?
- I can't swim.
564
00:25:28,346 --> 00:25:31,316
Maybe I should just have been honest
with you all from the start.
565
00:25:31,318 --> 00:25:34,344
- Why can't you swim?
- I was allergic to chlorine as a child.
566
00:25:34,346 --> 00:25:39,324
- It affects my skin.
- Oh, man. Does it hurt?
567
00:25:39,326 --> 00:25:42,260
No, it's just for, like,
a few hours after,
568
00:25:42,262 --> 00:25:43,336
I go an incredible shade of red.
569
00:25:43,338 --> 00:25:44,340
OWEN SIGHS
570
00:25:44,342 --> 00:25:47,302
Mate, I had no idea.
571
00:25:48,298 --> 00:25:49,300
Oh...
572
00:25:49,302 --> 00:25:50,332
But this, I've got to see!
573
00:25:50,334 --> 00:25:53,318
CHEERING
574
00:26:03,286 --> 00:26:05,330
Really flares up quickly,
doesn't it?
575
00:26:08,254 --> 00:26:09,316
Looks like you've been boiled.
576
00:26:09,318 --> 00:26:12,288
- Is that why they called you the dog's dick?
- Yes. Yeah.
577
00:26:12,290 --> 00:26:15,332
Sorry, mate, I really think the
pack mentality got the better of me.
578
00:26:15,334 --> 00:26:18,320
- Can we go in a minute?
- Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
579
00:26:18,322 --> 00:26:21,304
Listen, um... I know this is
a bit awkward but, um...
580
00:26:21,306 --> 00:26:24,268
I actually think I'm in there
with Phoebe, so I was wondering,
581
00:26:24,270 --> 00:26:25,316
have you got any condoms?
582
00:26:25,318 --> 00:26:28,264
- No, of course I haven't got any condoms!
- Oh, OK.
583
00:26:28,266 --> 00:26:29,466
All right. I'll see you later.
584
00:26:35,330 --> 00:26:37,292
- Owen?
- Yes, mate?
585
00:26:37,294 --> 00:26:40,256
Good news, actually, yeah,
I can help you out here.
586
00:26:40,258 --> 00:26:42,284
- Pop a few there in your back pocket.
- Oh, cheers, mate!
587
00:26:42,286 --> 00:26:44,252
Don't worry about it at all!
588
00:26:44,254 --> 00:26:46,296
- Sorted you out!
- Cheers, mate. - That's all right!
589
00:26:46,298 --> 00:26:50,296
Too many teardrops
for one heart...
590
00:26:50,298 --> 00:26:52,340
- Hey, Josh!
- Oh, Phoebe, hey!
591
00:26:52,342 --> 00:26:54,272
How's it going?
592
00:26:54,274 --> 00:26:56,312
Listen, can I, um...
Can I ask you a question?
593
00:26:56,314 --> 00:26:58,260
Yeah, of course.
594
00:26:58,262 --> 00:26:59,308
Have you...
595
00:26:59,310 --> 00:27:01,294
got any more baba ghanoush?
596
00:27:02,290 --> 00:27:03,328
No, I think you finished it all.
597
00:27:03,330 --> 00:27:05,336
Do you know anyone that we can
call to get some?
598
00:27:05,338 --> 00:27:08,256
- What, like a baba ghanoush dealer?
- Do you have one?
599
00:27:08,258 --> 00:27:10,264
There's no such thing
as a baba ghanoush dealer.
600
00:27:10,266 --> 00:27:11,268
Hm...
601
00:27:11,270 --> 00:27:12,312
Why don't I cook it myself?
602
00:27:12,314 --> 00:27:14,248
What is this, Breaking Bad?
603
00:27:14,250 --> 00:27:16,280
- What's in it?
- It's mainly aubergine.
604
00:27:16,282 --> 00:27:17,336
OK, do you have any aubergines?
605
00:27:17,338 --> 00:27:19,298
No, I don't have any aubergines.
606
00:27:20,294 --> 00:27:21,298
Thanks.
607
00:27:25,330 --> 00:27:27,340
Josh, you would tell me if you had
an aubergine...
608
00:27:27,342 --> 00:27:31,258
- I'd tell you if I had some aubergine, yeah.
- OK, I'm going to try the kitchen.
609
00:27:33,262 --> 00:27:37,320
And we'll start gathering tears
610
00:27:37,322 --> 00:27:41,256
Way up here
611
00:27:41,258 --> 00:27:45,260
And you'll start crying
Yeah
612
00:27:45,262 --> 00:27:47,310
96 tears
613
00:27:49,282 --> 00:27:52,280
Cry, cry, cry
614
00:27:52,282 --> 00:27:53,302
Hey...
615
00:27:53,352 --> 00:27:57,902
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