Original subtitles

Have you played around with the head?

Yeah, I tried everything.

I just can't get it to turn on.

It just doesn't want to work.

At least we weren't fixing the toilet.

Porno much?

Now it's time to drain your nozzle.

What about your boyfriend?

He can get his own plumber.

Oops.

How's that for lube?

Kinda tingles.

It's expensive, but it's great for my hair.

Oh, God-- Oh.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, wait, wait.

It kinda burns.

Want me to stop?

No, don't stop.

It burns me.

Oh, I'm so close.

You cheater!

Don't stop.

I'm gonna get blue balls.

Honey, this is not what it looks like.

Neither is this.

You can't kill me yet.

I'm gonna come.

I'm coming.

Stop! Please!

And cut!

Brilliant. That's a wrap.

This'll definitely get us into drama camp.

All your movies are really homo.

Doesn't matter if the characters are gay.

Genre is genre.

If I did this with women, I'd be sexist.

Ladies love that I use gay guys.

I guess we've come a long way.

I look like Ricky Martin's asshole.

You need a lot more blood for that.

You were awesome.

No, you were.

No...you were.

Ugh, vomitus maximus.

Vomitus maximus.

I do not sound like that.

"I do not sound like that."

It doesn't matter if the characters are gay or what.

Genre is genre.

Here's to drama camp.

May we all get in.

To drama camp!

EATING OUT:DRAMA CAMP

I'm not in the mood, Casey.

You're never in the mood.

I was having a really hot dream.

Fine. I'll just take care of it myself.

Can I make a little mess on your back?

You make me feel like Demi Moore.

Oh, you cougar milf,

I'm going to do every nasty thing there is to you.

I haven't been this wet since Reagan was shot.

Remember the days when you couldn't get enough of this?

Let me in, little pig.

Holy homos!

Aunt Helen.

Who's that?

This is Andy.

I found him on MyFace.

I think you mean Facebook.

Who said anything about the Internet?

I'm sorry, lady.

I don't rub weenies.

Andy!

Damn it.

I thought you were off to drama cock-- camp this morning.

Ow. So you were just going to do it in my room?

My place is full of embarrassing old-lady things.

Aunt Helen--

Well, it's not like I haven't corked my onion in here before.

Ew.

Shit, we're late.

Aah! Nude! Nude!

Have a great time.

And no backbroking.

Barebacking, and we won't.

Okay.

Get your tight little ass back here.

Mama's hungry.

All right, Grandma's hungry.

Excuse me.

Do you know how much that bag cost?

Hey, you need a hand?

This is a bigger mess than Sex In The City 2.

Yeah, sequels usually suck.

Maybe this will,

uh...

Tried that.

Oh, right.

Uh...

There.

Wow, you're a genius.

I'm Lilly.

Jason.

Is that all you got?

Huh?

Luggage.

Oh, yeah. That's it.

Good, because this is packed immigrant tight.

There we go.

Wait,

we have baggage.

Maybe if we had some lube.

We need something to tie this shut.

Here.

Use this.

Holy teenage werewolf.

There,

all strapped in.

That's what me said.

Everyone buckled up?

Damn it, my seatbelt's broken.

There's an extra one here.

I can trade if you guys want to sit together.

I've sat with Casey before.

We might as well get to know our fellow campers on the way up.

I'm Benji, like the dog.

I'm Zack, like the Efron

but with a "K".

God, will you two do it already?

I'm Casey, like the boyfriend.

Oh.

Oh...

God, I didn't realize.

Christ, are there going to be any non-homos at this place?

I'm straight.

Me, too.

You are?

You are?

Yeah, I'm straight.

Huh. Never judge a book by its haircut.

I'm Genevieve.

It's French.

You probably can't pronounce it, so you can just call me Genna-veev.

Does anyone know how to get there?

So you're the parasite.

The what?

Penny Susselman--

the little teat-suckling vampire

with the free, paid, all-expense work-study scholarship.

Work-study?

Yeah, you didn't think you were going to get by with

nothing but talent and moxy, did you?

No, I just didn't see the work part on the scholarship application.

It was a work-study application.

Okay.

No one ever gave me a handout.

Paid my dues tracking down deadbeat cancer survivors

with unpaid medical bills.

Sold my hair, my blood, my semen,

anything to scrape together enough money to build Dick Dickey's Drama Camp.

So you be ready to work those pointy little fingers to the bone.

I see every experience, good or bad as a life-enrichment opportunity.

Of course you do.

What are my duties?

Mm. Dishes, toilets, vomit and feces patrol,

anything that nobody else wants to do.

I can do all that with a little sunshine and elbow grease.

You know, you're really annoying.

You know that, right?

Okay, cabin assignment.

Make sure everybody's checked in and ready for orientation by, uh--

I don't know-- 01500 hours.

How do I--

And scene.

Huh?

I cannot believe they put me in the boys' cabin.

You'd think drama camp is a little more open minded.

I'm sure if we talked to the staff--

I shouldn't have to talk to the staff.

Uh, I'm just trying to help.

I know.

I'm sorry.

It's just I'm tired of educating people.

Every trip to the public toilet is a political statement.

Sometimes I just want to shit in peace, you know?

I can't shit in public toilets.

It's going to be a long summer for you.

You guys my roomies?

For now.

Cool, coed.

I'm Lilly.

I'm Beau.

Oh, what's your name?

Casey.

Wow, Casey, you're like the cutest redhead

I've ever seen.

Thanks, but, uh, I-- I'm blond, though.

Whatever it is, you're smokin'.

Why don't you take the middle bed?

I can't believe I have two straight roommates.

This is so European.

There's nothing European about being straight.

If y'all wanna talk about bitches and guns and football,

I can feel it, yo.

I'm straight, not brain dead.

But I heard vagina kills brain cells.

Just because you're gay

doesn't mean you should be hating on women.

Sorry, I didn't mean--

um--

I'm going to go check on Casey.

Why are you telling everyone you're straight?

Because I am.

Come on,

Ray Charles could see you looking at that ass like it was Seabiscuit.

When I found out they were a couple,

I felt bad for coming on so strong,

so I said I was straight so it wouldn't be weird the rest of the trip.

So you're going to pretend to be straight?

To everyone?

The whole time?

I guess I really didn't think about it.

But why not?

This is drama camp.

It'll be the ultimate acting exercise.

You know, that's actually a really good idea.

Yeah. People always complain that openly gay actors can't play straight,

but with my direction--

I mean, I--

we could definitely prove something.

I'll be your director.

It'll be like Scorsese and DiCaprio.

Or Whoopi Goldberg and whoever directed Sister Act 2 Back in the Habit,

when she goes undercover as a nun to save a catholic school.

Yeah, none of that.

Uh...

So what's the deal with you and Lilly?

I don't know what's going on there.

You know she's a...

Transitioning?

Oh, I guess you do.

Well, we're going to learn a lot this summer.

Bet you're glad we got separate cabins.

Why do you say that?

Could you be any more obvious drooling all over "Benji, like the dog."

You were drooling just as much.

He doesn't like me. It doesn't count.

He doesn't like anything. He's straight.

Yeah, well,

somehow things don't stay straight around you.

You really think he might be curious?

Try not to sound so eager.

Casey, even if he were gay, nothing would happen.

I'd never cheat.

Yeah, but you'd want to.

Well, I'm human.

I'm human, too,

but I don't want to be out there screwing other guys.

Stop twisting this around.

Casey, is this guy bothering you?

Who the hell are you?

The guy you're missing with when you're messing with Casey.

It-- It's okay.

Beau, Zack.

Roommate, boyfriend.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Do you want me to come back later?

I was just leaving.

I got a hunch you're going to start feeling human real soon.

Any guy lucky enough to have you call him your boyfriend

ought to be treating you like a prince.

Damn, there's no one on Grindr out here.

You will never be an actor.

Yeah.

That's what they said to me and Donnie Kendall.

It was Career Day in first grade.

They said,

"Be a fireman or a policeman,

something more realistic and meaningful."

Well,

Donnie Kendall listened to their advice.

He gave up on his dream,

and he became a cop.

Last month I went to his memorial service

after he got shot in the face.

Now, not everyone here is going to become a star

or open his own drama camp,

but I will tell you this--

if you give up on your dreams,

even if you don't end up with a face full of metal,

you may as well be dead.

You owe it to yourself to try.

Okay, okay, I don't like sycophants.

I'm just a serious actress.

I'll be the judge of that.

Two weeks from today,

on this very stage,

we will hold the annual

Dick Dickey's Drama Camp scene competition.

Now, your assignment

is to take a scene from Shakespeare

and give it a modern twist.

Maybe Othello has a talk show on the Oprah Network.

Huh? Huh?

Or maybe The Tempest

takes place in the outer reaches of space.

Also on the Oprah Network.

You know, just

let your imaginations run wild.

This year the group that puts on the best show

will win an all-expense paid vacation,

as generously donated as part of a settlement,

at the Triangle Inn in Palm Springs

because in the real world

actors get prizes.

Ooh.

That vacation is so mine.

One final thing--

there will be no sexual misconduct on this campground,

so anyone caught with his or her hoohas out,

will be expelled,

no refunds.

I haven't had sex in 7 1/2 years,

and it's only made me a better artist.

And scene.

Dick's intense. -Yeah.

How are you and your boyfriend going to manage with no sex?

It's not really our thing lately.

Oh.

Yeah.

I knew it.

What a jerk.

Sorry?

God, I think you just scared a fart out of me.

I get that a lot.

Who's a jerk?

My boyfriend.

What are you doing?

Working off my tuition.

So why are you dating a jerk?

I guess because I love him.

Why do you love him?

Because...

never mind.

What?

I was going to say, "because I worked so hard to get him,"

but that doesn't really make sense, does it?

It does if you're on Dr. Phil or something.

Maybe you guys aren't in love anymore.

But--

Penny,

someone crapped in the urinal.

Take care of it.

Right away.

Duty calls.

Get it?

Doodie.

How do I come up with these things?

So are you going to direct

another homoerotic scene for the competition?

Another homoerotic scene?

Jason has a weird obsession with gay sexiness.

I like erotica in general.

It's just hard to get girls to do naked shit for free,

but gay guys?

It's like they're natural born sluts.

It's not because you might just be a little gay?

Yeah,

why don't you just blow me and see if my dick twitches in the slightest.

Blow yourself.

Some day, my friend. Some day.

So this is what straight guys talk about.

Shut your hole.

No, you shut your hole.

Can you believe this is what they give me?

Hm, you should sue.

Well, they did offer to put me in the same cabin

with that annoying Genevieve girl.

Oh, you mean

"Genna-va-va..."

Yeah, I'd rather stab myself in the face.

At least Dickey's not buying her act.

Did you hear him?

I don't like sycophants,

I don't like sex either,

which is why I'm so charming to be around.

That's creepy.

Do you guys mind if I sleep nude?

You don't talk much, but when you do...

Uh, it doesn't bother me.

Un-suit yourself.

It's the only way I can sleep good.

Well, sweet dreams.

They will be.

Good morning, Dick Dickey's drama campers.

It's 5 a.m., time to rise up and act.

Your first classes start in 30 minutes.

Are you tired?

Just pretend your character isn't.

Grab a latte and muscle through it.

Eee...

aaa...

Eee...

aaa...

Now, I have a very loose throat,

which is important in acting

to get the good roles, if you know what I mean.

No, I'm kidding.

The only thing sucking off a casting director

is going to get you is a trip to the free clinic.

I mean, if it worked,

Brittany Murphy and I would star in everything.

Brittany Murphy is dead.

Really?

That's hilarious.

Girl knew how to suck a dick.

She was like...

the Cock Whisperer.

All right, now, everyone find a throat partner.

How are things with the jerk?

He's sitting right next to me.

Where?

Hi, Tiffani.

At drama camp you're refer to me as Miss van der Sloot.

Wow, sexalicious.

What, are you trading up?

He's straight.

I'm straight.

Then my tits are down here.

Does that guy seem straight to you?

Don't ask me. I was a Claymate in 10th grade.

Hey, cowboy!

Place your hands on your throat.

Sorry.

Oh, you will be.

Now, everyone,

this last one Betty White showed me.

Aren't they pretty?

You know those are actually weeds.

Does knowing that make them any less pretty?

You want something?

Yeah, I'm holding auditions for my scene.

I'm doing this twist on The Taming of the Shrew,

and I'd really like you to read for the role of Kate.

Why?

I don't know. I think you're talented.

And why would you think that?

I mean,

I think you're pretty,

and I like your personality.

That's when you ask a girl out on a date,

not to audition for you.

Sorry, I didn't mean to offend you.

No, I'll audition.

Oh.

Great.

Boys are so stupid.

I don't think Benji's really straight.

It's, like, he can't keep his eyes off Zack.

Why would anyone pretend to be straight these days?

I thought Neil Patrick Harris changed all that.

Oh, watch out. -What?

Poison oak.

Oh, thanks.

Nature is really creepy.

Do you ever get scared out here?

You mean, like some hunky vampire might take me away from all this?

Or a psychopath who'd peel off your fingernails

and shit down your throat.

Ew.

Did you hear that?

Stop trying to scare me.

No, I'm serious.

Oh, shart.

It's probably just a bird.

A really big bird.

Get down.

Someone's here. -Shh.

You mean, like, kill them?

Freeze!

-Hands in the air! We have guns. -Don't expel us.

I didn't put it in my mouth yet.

It doesn't count.

To be or not to be,

that is the question.

To suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune...

Or to take arms

against a sea of troubles.

And by opposing, end them.

To die...

To die,

to sleep, no more.

And by a sleep...

To say we end the heartache...

And the thousand natural

shocks...

That flesh is heir to.

'Tis a consummation...

Devoutly to be wished.

To die, to sleep.

To sleep, perchance to dream--

Hi, um, director guy?

You do realize what you just saw was a man

auditioning for the role of a woman?

Are you here for the role of a bitch who's about to get punched?

I think what I just saw

was an actor pretty much nailing the audition.

Are you kidding me?

You're doing Taming of the Shrew.

With all the sexual inequality in this world,

you're seriously considering giving one of the few good female roles

to a man in a dress?

Genevieve,

that's inappropriate.

I'm a transsexual woman,

not a man,

and I don't need a man to stand up for me.

Now, as much as I abhor sex,

there's nothing I enjoy more than a tender caress

of a kissing scene.

As an actor,

you must be prepared

to make out with anyone

or anything

at any given moment.

It's a secret I learned in Hollywood, on the Internet.

Ah.

Can I get a volunteer?

I'll kiss you, Dick.

Ew, no, not for me.

F-A-C,

front and center.

All right, now, we need a volunteer to kiss this lovely young girl.

Benji. Benji.

Oh, Benjamin,

how about you?

I think I'm getting a cold.

I wouldn't want you to catch my germs.

It's okay. I already have plenty of germs.

Ew. Oh, okay.

How about anyone else?

All right, okay.

Okay, all right, enough. We get it.

All right, everyone, pick a partner,

get in two lines facing each other.

Now, lean into your partner,

stare into their eyes,

and stop.

Everyone in this line, move down

one person to the left.

That's your real kissing partner.

And kiss.

Okay, Benji and Lilly, that's fair.

All right, Penny, with tongue, please.

Commit. Right?

Oh,

quiet girl's really getting into over here,

isn't she?

All right, no groping,

Genevieve.

I couldn't stop thinking about cold sores.

Why couldn't Benji kiss her?

I know.

A real straight guy would've been all over that.

I read a scientific study once.

To see if a guy's gay,

they got him to look at a hot naked man and checked if he had a boner.

They did a study on that? -Yeah.

Keep it moving, ass pimples.

No, you can't.

Can't what?

You can tell if a guy's a bottom or not by his shoes.

Really?

The cuter the shoes, the bigger the bottom.

Whoa.

Whoa.

Oh--

Oh.

Help me up.

Oh.

Sorry, I thought that was your hand.

Are you okay?

Yeah, thanks.

You know, if you're aiming to sleep with someone, I can do that, too.

Total whore here.

I can tell. You have total whore face.

I know, right?

What the fuck?

He owed me one for not ratting him out.

Penny, that was so stupid.

Did it work?

I couldn't tell

if Benji's dick was big because it was hard

or big because it was just a big dick.

How dense was it?

Normal dense?

Okay, like, grabbing a frozen turkey like dense

or like grabbing a giant marshmallow dense?

I don't know.

It was somewhere in between,

but it could've been his iPhone or a shoe for all I know.

A shoe?

When's the last time you touched a dick anyway?

That was my first.

What?

Congrats. Looks like we have a gay kissing scene, buddy.

I was just noticing that.

You've ever had to kiss a guy before?

How bad could it be?

Honestly, most guys suck at kissing,

but not me.

So pucker up.

You gave the best audition.

I know.

So I'll see you at rehearsal tomorrow?

Of course.

I did get the scene because you like my acting, right?

Yeah.

It's strictly professional,

nothing else.

Oh.

I'll see you tomorrow then, all right?

You do that.

I know Jason from back home.

He's a really good guy.

I'm sure he is.

Okay, then why are you all Regina George on him?

He's cute, and he likes you.

Then why doesn't he just ask me out instead of

all this pretending and tippy-toeing?

He's just nervous.

You don't understand.

When a boy likes me,

it's either a fetish

or he's confused and really wants to be with a boy,

which I'm not.

It's rare they just like me.

I don't know what that's like,

but I do know guys.

When I first met Zack, I invented a fake person who turned out to be real,

helped Zack go on a date with him.

I even blew the fake guy and hooked up with Zack's ex-boyfriend

before I could tell Zack that I really liked him.

Maybe Jason's doing the same thing.

You are a weird little creature.

Good.

Oh, you're welcome, by the way.

Yeah, thanks for casting me.

You mean thanks for casting you in a hot make-out scene with Zack.

Those guys are having relationship issues.

I don't want to get mixed up with their drama.

That's why it's perfect.

You can have your Zack

and eat him, too,

no strings attached.

Is that really why you cast us?

I cast you because I want to win.

The tension between you guys is award-winning.

Whatcha doing?

Expression practice.

Take over.

Gotta go plan for tomorrow.

(EXCITED) Isn't this awesome?

I mean, what could be better than an entire summer of just acting?

(LUST)

Sex.

Or at least masturbation.

I haven't been able to rub one out since I got here.

Do you like any of the girls here, bro?

"Bro"?

I don't know. Isn't that what guys say to each other?

In gay pornos, maybe,

or the South.

You know,

I've never really hung with straight guys,

not since I came out.

Why not?

I don't know.

I guess, with gay guys, I fit in.

It's like I'm in high school, only this time

I'm a popular kid,

but with straight guys,

I just sort of feel like a nerd all over again.

High school was a long time ago.

Don't remind me. I'm so old.

You and me both, bro.

I'm going to go run lines with Casey.

I-- I don't get to spend much time alone with you here.

Yeah, the camp's got us so busy.

Um,

maybe you--

maybe we shouldn't.

Yeah, I'd hate to get kicked out.

Lights out in 15 minutes.

Breakfast tomorrow?

Benji and I have our first rehearsal,

but I'll see you at Dickey's seminar.

Sounds great.

Is it safe?

Why didn't you say you were back there?

You came in while I was changing.

Plus I'm really nosey.

So what did you think?

Your relationship is like the third season of Gossip Girl.

It was cool, and now it sucks.

Just cancel it.

I know.

It's like, at this point,

I'm kind of...

What, honey?

I'm kind of hoping he'll break up with me.

I'm a terrible person.

Only on the inside.

Okay, so in this scene,

Lilly plays Kate, the powerful, self-absorbed woman

who doesn't want to get married,

but your father set you up with Petruchio,

played by Zack.

Now, in my updated twist,

you realize that Petruchio is actually gay

and madly in love with his best friend Hortensio,

played by Benji.

You secretly demand that they hook up before you marry him

and split your father's dowry with them.

All right?

Yes, there will be lots and lots of kissing between everyone.

Do you want us to do the actual kissing stuff today?

No, no, no, no, no, let's hold off on that.

I want the tension to build up

so that it becomes a big, nerve-wracking deal

when you finally do it.

Okay? Good, good,

so let's start from the top

with Zack and Lilly.

Good morrow, Kate, for that's your name, I hear.

They call me Katherine, that do talk of me.

Well, looks like there's definitely going to be kissing.

Oh, you don't know the way Jason directs these things.

There's going to be a lot more than kissing.

Musical theater is back.

Everyone's a Gleetard nowadays,

so it wouldn't be a drama camp

without a course on musical numbers.

The theory goes like this.

One person is inspired with song,

and the rest of group just sort of knows how to come in,

how to dance, etc., etc.

So let's just see how this plays out in real life. All right?

Zack, F-A-C.

Front and center.

Uh, I'm not much of a singer.

Ah, that's the beauty of Auto-Tune.

Oh.

Drama's more than Learning words

It's more than mixing

Bees and birds

It's d-d-digging deep

Until you strike desire

When we set that drama free

We'll skinny dip in ecstasy

An ocean of emotion

Flaming like a fire

Passionate reactions

Puttin' on the scene

Shakin' up the Shakespeare

In your velveteen

Playing to the camera

Like a drama queen

All night

It can be a filthy mess

So d-d-d-don't get undressed

Unless that's what you do

To get your crowd aroused

Burning up the silver screen

Like d-d-d-d-drama queens

But leave your Goddamn drama

Once you take a bow

Passionate reactions

Puttin' on the scene -Drama queen

Shakin' up The Shakespeare

In your velveteen -Drama queen

Playing to the camera

Like a drama queen

All night

Passionate reactions

Puttin' on the scene -Drama queen

Shakin' up The Shakespeare

In your velveteen -Drama queen

Playing to the camera

Like a drama queen

All night

I won't spend my summertime

F-Fighting love

Like it's a crime

I p-p-put my heart

At center stage for you

If you don't like

What you see

Don't be a d-d-drama queen

Just carry on and play along

Like players do

Passionate reactions

Puttin' on the scene -Drama queen

Shakin' up the Shakespeare

In your velveteen -Drama queen

Playing to the camera

Like a drama queen

All night

Passionate reactions

Puttin' on the scene -Drama queen

Shakin' up the Shakespeare

In your velveteen -Drama queen

Playing to the camera

Like a drama queen

All night

Drama queen

Well, that felt totally rehearsed.

Crowns in my purse I have and goods at home,

and so I'm come abroad to see the world.

Petruchio, I shall not wish thee to a shrewd,

ill-favored wife,

for in your keep my treasure is.

The jewel of my life lies in your hold.

Um... line.

'Twixt such friends as we few words--

Suffice.

You should learn these.

Even I have them memorized.

Since we are stepp'd thus far in,

I will continue that I broach'd in jest.

Oh, I know this one.

Will you, nill you, I will marry you.

And then I lean in to kiss Benji.

I'm Casey.

I know, but he's Benji.

No, he's Hortensio being played by Benji.

Sorry.

I get it.

You like him.

He has his name sown into his underwear.

There's nothing to be jealous about.

Why do you know that?

I'm not jealous.

I thought I would be, but I'm not.

Then why are you being so dramatic?

I just-- I wonder how different things would be

if he were gay.

Today's forecast,

sunny with a hundred percent chance of drama.

The competition's near,

so remember, second place

just means you're the best at losing.

All right, class,

today's all about becoming an animal,

something I've been told I'm very good at.

And I don't just mean acting like an animal.

I mean becoming an animal.

A lion--

A goose-- Honk!

I really want you to see the world through your animal's point of view.

Okay?

Watch this. A jellyfish.

Okay?

All right, so, um...

Casey, pick an animal for Benji.

The endangered Rarotonga Starling.

An Oxpecker.

Cockroach.

Ugh, my wife and I can't stand the sight of those pests.

Benji, let's see your cock--

uh, roach-- cockroach.

Yes.

Oh, bad cockroach.

Bad. Kill it.

I got it. Ooh.

Harsh.

They're kissing for real in rehearsal tonight.

I thought you didn't care.

I don't, but I don't have to enjoy it either.

I think I'm getting another idea.

Penny, no.

Stop being such a--

Penny.

Gene-vee-vee wants you to be the Herpes virus.

Moo.

Hmm, Okay.

it's a little over the top.

Pick an animal for Casey.

Chicken.

Mmm, chicken.

Double, double, toil and trouble.

Shit.

Fuck it.

Oh, God, stop, you pervert.

Stop.

Yeah.

Oh, Benji.

What is happening to me?

Are you dating anyone?

Why do you ask?

For your character.

I just wanted to see if there was something we could draw on.

How is that?

Well, your character's a confirmed bachelorette,

and I thought that maybe if you were dating someone,

I could help you forget them

and maybe replace them with the idea of possibly, uh...

I'm single.

Oh.

Oh, my God.

What happened?

The nurse said it's poison oak. It's everywhere.

What were you doing with poison oak...

apparently naked?

I don't know. I haven't touched any nature.

That looks really painful.

It's like my whole body's a circumcision wound.

We have to rehearse, okay?

The competition--

Look at me.

I can't.

Rehearse without me.

Use Casey.

No.

You know all my lines.

You can teach me the blocking tomorrow if I can move.

But I--

Fine, fine.

Let's go, understudy.

I've got the stage reserved.

Sean Penn would've rehearsed.

Petruchio, I shall not wish thee to a shrewd,

ill-favored wife,

for in your keep my treasure is.

The jewel of my life

lies in your hold.

'Twixt such friends as we few words suffice.

Since we are stepp'd thus far in,

I will continue that I broach'd in jest.

Will you, nill you,

I will marry you.

Great. Great, great.

Now, Petruchio,

I want you to lean in and kiss Hortensio

like it's your first kiss ever.

Um, for realsies?

Yeah. Yeah, Casey, go for it.

Oh,

that was as good as a girl.

Clearly.

I've got to go.

Hey, gingerbread,

what about our scene?

Uh, yeah, yeah, I'll--

I'll stand in for Zack.

Penny, what are you doing?

You can't come in.

But I need to talk.

Zack got into some poison oak,

and he couldn't make it to rehearsal.

At least he didn't have to kiss Benji, right?

No, but I did.

What?

Can I come in?

Um, no.

You should go be with Zack.

I should?

Oh, definitely.

Come, come, you wasp,

i'faith, you are too angry.

If I be waspish, best beware my sting.

My remedy is then, to pluck it out.

Ah, if the fool could find where it lies.

Who knows not where a wasp does wear his sting?

In his tail.

In his tongue.

Whose tongue?

Yours, if you talk of tails, and so farewell.

What, with my tongue in your tail?

With your tongue in Hortensio's tail,

as if it would please you.

What say you?

Kiss me, then.

Show me what manners of love you hold.

And then you kiss me.

You have to kiss me.

I shouldn't have to come to you.

Lilly?

Why can't I keep an actor in the room today?

I'll go talk to her.

Are you okay?

Why do guys have to play stupid games?

Because then we don't get hurt.

But it's okay to hurt other people.

Why are you pretending to be straight?

He has a boyfriend.

I didn't want it to get weird.

Well, it got weird.

What happened to old-fashioned romance,

you know, like the dogs and the spaghettis?

Twixt such friends as we, few words suffice.

And then I-- uh, Benji--

walks upstage and says,

"Since we are stepp'd thus far in,

I will continue that I broach'd in jest."

Will you, nill you, I will marry you.

Did you guys do the kiss?

Yeah.

Really? How was it?

I mean, how was the blocking?

Well, okay, you go like this

and pretend I'm him,

and then you go...

Oh, sorry, I can come back.

We were rehearsing the scene.

And getting to the kissy stuff.

We weren't actually--

I thought I was going to be you first guy,

but Casey beat me to it.

Why don't you do the scene with Zack?

Really? -Really?

Really.

Face looks better.

The nurse says I'm safe to kiss.

Action.

Petruchio,

I shall not wish thee to a shrewd, ill-favor'd wife,

for in your keep my treasure is.

The jewel of my life

lies in your hold.

Twixt such friends as we, few words suffice.

Since we are stepp'd thus far in,

I will continue that I broach'd in jest.

Will you, nill you,

I will marry you.

Wow.

I--

You did really good.

That was great.

Uh, I've got to go to bed.

You guys are going to kill that scene.

You're a good kisser,

not like the last straight guy I was with.

Zack,

I have something to tell you.

I'm really sorry about the poison oak.

Oh, my God, that was you?

I have to break up with him.

What?

Why?

Zack won't dump me because he's too nice.

He's completely fallen for someone else,

and he won't do anything about it out of respect for me.

But Benji's not even gay maybe.

He had a frozen turkey leg when we kissed.

That's not the point.

I'm not the one for Zack.

Maybe Benji is

or someone else will miss out on

because he feels like he owes me something.

What if I miss the right one?

Does that itch?

I feel like Lindsay Lohan's pussy.

What else did you lie about?

Is Benji even your name?

I wanted to get to know you,

but I didn't want to mess up your relationship.

Give me some credit.

I'm flirty, but you really think

I'm the kind of guy who cheats?

No.

I guess I was just trying to protect myself, too.

I'm falling pretty hard for you.

You know the worst part?

I thought I was finally bonding with a straight guy.

I thought I overcame whatever issue I had,

but I'm still just a scared little gay boy.

You're not.

How would you know anything about that?

Rise and shine, my little dicklets.

Congratulations on making it

to the final weekend of drama camp.

-Excuse me, I'm… -There are a lot fewer deaths

than I expected, R-O-F-L-M-A-O

How's your rash?

The worst part's over,

but my face is going to look

like Adam Lambert for a while.

Maybe Jason can find some way to work it into the scene.

What, in the 15 minutes of rehearsal we have left?

He's probably already got three versions written.

Yeah.

So last night, Ben--

Zack, I think we should break up.

What?

Does that hurt your feelings?

Of course it does.

Really?

I guess not.

I thought it would hurt yours.

And I think you should go for Benji.

What?

There's something between you guys,

and I think you should see what that's all about.

But you hate him.

I only hated him because you two seemed so right together,

and we didn't.

He's lying about being straight.

Because he liked you, right?

That doesn't make it okay.

I lied about being an entirely different person to get to you.

Good point.

What should I say to him?

Okay, look, I'm pretty cool,

but I'm not going to stick his dick in your mouth for you.

You'll figure out what to do.

Okay, so this is our only tech rehearsal before the show,

so we'll run the scene,

I'll make final blocking adjustments,

then that's it.

So, now, Lilly, remember

You have to be the aggressive one to get what you want.

Come, come, you wasp,

i'faith, you are too angry.

If I be waspish,

best beware my sting.

It's our last day here.

Do you like me or what?

I'm sorry, Lilly, what?

You heard me, Jason.

I think we should get back to the scene.

If you want to ask me out, just do it.

Stop making stupid excuses to keep running in to me.

Do you like-me like me, or am I just crazy?

Are you weirded out because I'm a transsexual?

Just be real.

What's going on?

Look, I don't know, okay?

Lilly!

Wait. Wait.

Hate when guys play games.

Let's just rehearse.

Sure, from your line.

Petruchio,

I shall not wish thee to a shrewd, ill-favored wife,

for in your keep my treasure is.

The jewel of my life lies in your hold.

'Twixt such friends as we few words suffice,

especially when they're lies.

Sorry.

Since we are stepp'd thus far in,

I will continue that I broach'd in jest.

Will you, nill you,

I will marry you.

That's great.

Now kiss him.

A real kiss.

Come on.

Oh, I like this tension.

Better.

Again.

That's nice, Benji.

Open his shirt.

Pretend I'm not here.

We're going to take this scene all the way.

Zack, take off Benji's shirt.

That's not in the--

Just do it,

and keep kissing.

This is intense.

He likes these hardcore gay scenes.

Benji, climb on top of Zack.

You'll rub your groin into his.

Don't stop kissing.

Zack, I want you to slide your finger down his abs,

nice and slow.

Now over his happy trail.

Around his waistline,

just where his pants meet the skin.

Now, poke your finger under his waistband,

just slightly,

feel the heat coming from down there.

Now go for it.

Reach in

and grab his cock.

Benji, do the same.

Benji,

undo your pants,

take them down.

More passion, guys.

Make it real.

You're two guys who have dreamed about this moment your entire lives.

You never thought this would happen,

but it is.

And it's better than you ever imagined.

I'm close.

Me, too.

I love theater.

Yeah, go for it.

What the sex is going on in here?

Shit.

We're just doing our scene.

It's Shakespeare.

Tell him, Jason.

Shakespeare did not have come shots.

Lilly.

I'm sorry.

You're right, okay? I was playing games.

I like you. I really like you.

I-- I didn't know what that meant about me,

but I do now.

You helped me learn something about myself.

I learned that I wasn't as open-minded as I like to think that I am,

and because of it, I might have lost someone

that's really wonderful.

Lilly, please,

I brought something for you.

Jason Williams,

report to my office right this minute.

Okay, weird.

That's me.

Look, Lilly,

I just hope you'll talk to me.

What happened?

I accepted you into my drama camp

because I thought that your film

eloquently showed how sex leads to murder,

but this--

I fail to see any social value in these shenanigans.

Your scene is out of the competition.

We have to do something.

Dickey's going to expel them, and it's all my fault.

I don't know what you're talking about,

but...

I already think I have an idea.

Weird, huh?

Penny, look at this rash.

Neither one of us are very good at having ideas.

Trust me this time.

It's going to work.

Despite a last-minute disqualification,

Dick Dickey's annual scene night

competition will proceed as planned.

Sexual conduct of any kind

will not be tolerated

and will be immediate grounds for disq--

alification.

I want you.

Okay, I'm not giving you a discount on your tuition.

Has it really been seven years since you've had sex?

Seven and a half.

I'm 7 1/2, soft.

Oh-- Oh-- Oh, my God.

This is hotter than twincest.

Oh, my, you're really talented.

You're, like, black swan crazy.

If I hadn't have done it,

you never would have made a move.

That doesn't make it any less twisted,

and now Dickey's kicked us out of the competition.

You honestly couldn't tell it was me on the microphone?

No.

Well, not at first.

I knew it.

God, I am so fucked up.

My God--

That stuff was organized, by the way, but--

You know what?

I can't hear you with your dick in my mouth.

What? Oh-- Oh-- Oh, God.

Oh, yeah-- Oh, yeah.

Yeah. Oh, it feels so fucking good.

Say my name, Dickey.

Oh, yeah. Oh--

What is your name?

It's Conor.

Oh. Oh, Conrad.

Oh, Conrad. Oh, yeah, lick my balls!

It's Conor, C-O-N-O-R.

Friend me on Facebook.

Casey, you guys have got to check this shit out.

Oh, yeah! Oh, yeah!

Oh, not my ass. I just took a dump.

Whoa! Oh-- Oh, yeah!

Yeah, do it again. Again!

Oh, G--

It's working.

You like my dick Dick Dickey?

Yeah! Oh, yeah! Oh! Oh! Oh!

Don't spill Centrum on my desk. Oh!

Oh. Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah, that feels so fucking good.

Oh, yeah, keep spilling.

Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.

Put a finger in there.

Another one!

Oh, yeah, do it!

This reminds me of my sweet 16

Oh, let's cut school and do it here.

Oh, yeah. Oh, yes.

Welcome to the theater.

Ladies and gentlemen, friends, family, others,

welcome to Dick Dickey's annual scene camp--

uh, drama competition.

Is Jason Williams here?

I-- I had a speech prepared

about a guy who got shot in the face.

Oh, it's actually a lot more tasteful than it sounds,

but you know what?

Let's just watch this.

Oh, Romeo, Romeo,

why for won't thou IM me, Romeo,

deny thy texting and refuse thy phone calls?

Or if thou shalt not,

be but sworn my love,

and I shall no longer use a Blackberry.

Juliet, hast thou blocked me on Facebook?

The more my wrong, the more his spite appears.

Hey, hey, hey,

where have you been?

Your scene's back in the competition exactly as it was.

What? I didn't even--

No, no, you were right.

Sex is such an important part of human interaction,

oh, my God, blah, blah, blah. Who cares?

Anyway, have you seen the shitfest on stage?

No, but look--

And scene.

Okay, look, whatever you two were doing when Dickey walked in on you,

I want you to do that

but more, okay?

What about Lilly?

I can't find her.

I don't think she wants anything to do with me anyway.

The showmance must go on.

Lilly.

I better get in costume.

Yeah.

And now get ready to meet the Real Merry Housewives of Windsor.

Well, this is a turd and half.

Yeah.

So do you want to make it official and go out on a date?

You got dumped, like, five minutes ago.

I don't want to be your rebound.

And I don't want to date a guy who lies about being straight,

but that doesn't mean there's not something here.

And I'm sure with my new breast implants

I'm sure I'll live happily ever after.

Boo!

Hey, you're on, drama queens.

Good morrow, Kate, for that's your name, I hear.

They call me Katherine, that do talk of me.

Come, come, you wasp, i'faith, you are too angry.

If I be waspish, best beware...

Beware what?

Beware of playing games.

Because if you're playing a game,

you're playing it alone.

Oh, not again.

Look, I know who I am, and I know who I'm not,

and that makes me lucky

because some people never figure that out.

Have you?

Are you brave enough to follow your heart?

Why, Kate, to whom doth thou speaketh?

To him.

Uh, I'm sorry.

I've never been in this situation before.

What situation?

A situation where--

A situation where if the girl told me

she didn't want to be with me,

it would break my heart...

completely.

That's a chance you have to take with love,

with anyone.

Lilly?

Will you marry me?

Uh,

let's start with a date first.

That's good enough for me.

Well,

she lefteth early with that man.

Petruchio, the jewel of my life.

You're right,

I don't care how we got here,

just how we feel when we're together.

I'm sorry I lied to you.

'Twixt such friends as we,

no apology is necessary.

Since we are stepp'd thus far in,

will you give me another chance?

Will you, nill you,

I will marry you.

Do it.

Do it.

That's intense.

Beau.

So is it true you're single now?

Word gets around fast.

You Tweeted it.

Oh, yeah.

But I'm no where near ready to date.

Do you want to use me for sex?

Fuck, yes.

Finally some action.

Oh, yeah. Oh.

What is wrong with you people?

Bravo! Bravo!

So what are you doing after drama camp?

Can I take you to dinner?

I literally thought you would never ask.

Are you texting?

Status update.

O-M-G, just got laid on stage.

Oh, tag me.

Are you always that good, or were you just acting?

I was just rehearsing

for what I'm going to do to you tonight.

That's so romantic.

Congratulations to the winners of this year's scene competition.

Thank you all for making Dick Dickey's Drama Camp

a raging success.

Oh, this only pays for five people.

Here.

Use mine, too.

Me, too.

Oh, hell.

To drama camp.

To drama camp.

Maybe you guys won a contest, but whatever.

I'm rich.

Drama queen

And scene.

Shakin' up the Shakespeare

In your velveteen -Drama queen

Playing to the camera

Like a drama queen

All night

I won't spend my summertime

F-Fighting love

Like it's a crime

I p-p-put my heart

At center stage for you

If you don't like

What you see

Don't be a d-d-drama queen

Just carry on

And play along

Like players do

Passionate reactions

Puttin' on the scene -Drama queen

Shakin' up the Shakespeare

In your velveteen -Drama queen

Playing to the camera

Like a drama queen

All night

Passionate reactions

Puttin' on the scene -Drama queen

Shakin' up the Shakespeare

In your velveteen -Drama queen

Playing to the camera

Like a drama queen

All night

Drama queen

Oh, yeah.

Now we can finish what we started.

Yes, sir.

Hey.

You can't expel us.

Camp's over.

I didn't put it in my mouth.

Oh, sorry, it looked like a stickup.

You going to join us or what?

Yeah.