Original subtitles

[Man] Coming!

I'm coming as fast as I can!

Hey! What's up, man?

What's up, dude?

Sorry, I'm late.

No problem.

So, I'll go get my suit.

You bring the spare board?

Oh, bro, no, I didn't. I forgot it.

But you know what?

I got something else you can ride.

Aw, dude, I got you all wet.

Maybe we should get you out of those clothes, bro.

Dude...I got a girlfriend.

Does she know you mess around with dudes,

or are you just some big closet case?

Maybe you're confused.

Or maybe you like playing confused.

I-I don't know.

[mocking] I don't know what I am.

You're so sexy when you stammer.

You're good.

Yeah.

I play confused.

Don't get me wrong.

I'm straight.

Mostly.

[panting]

No, rip open my shirt.

Sir, yes, sir.

Strip.

[scoffs] Amateur.

[moaning]

[grunts] Less teeth, more tongue.

This is how you do it.

[moaning] Oh, that feels so good.

God, I love your tits. [Woman]

I want to eat your tits all day. Stop calling them tits.

Stop calling them tits. I love your tits.

Stop calling them tits! Sorry.

I love your breasts. I want to fuck

[moaning] Shane, sweetie... your breasts.

Are you having that gay fantasy again?

Honey, it's not you.

It's... Well, it's you.

What's wrong if I want to see a little boy-on-boy

Nothing, I guess, if you're a gay man. in the bedroom?

Close enough. But you can't expect me

to go gay every time you want to have sex.

I don't want you to be gay, just...gayer.

So, you want me to get it on

with another guy in front of you?

Well, in front of, on top of, yeah.

Gwen, I'm not gay. I'm not bi.

I'm a heterosexual breeder.

And if you can't accept that, then we probably shouldn't

How can you be so homophobic? be dating.

You're ridiculous.

Oh, don't even think you're breaking up with me.

I'm breaking up with you. Huh?

I've sat in millions of bedrooms

and listened to millions of boys

tell me they're leaving me for the pole.

I'm not going to sit here and have one leave me

What? I'm leaving you, Shane! for pussy!

Go not suck all the dick you want!

And you keep laying that pride parade march Yeah?

Gay-basher! Tits, tits, tits, tits, tits! right on through your crotch!

Crazy fuckin' doesn't know what she wants--

[sighs]

Stop the spread of faggotry.

Stop the spread of faggotry.

Fag. I wish!

I told you this was gonna happen.

That's all you've said from day two: I know, Kyle.

"You're too hot, Marc. You're gonna leave me."

You weren't right, Kyle.

Your puppy-dog eyes and goofy charm turned me on,

How could I believe it when you flirt with everyone? but you wouldn't believe it.

I don't flirt with everyone.

I just...like making friends.

Well, did you have to befriend every member

and Alpha Gamma Testes?

God, it's like you're only happy

when you think you can't have me.

I wouldn't be jealous if you went out and made

See? I'm too boring for you. some hot friends.

You want a boyfriend who's all social

with confident, sophisticated and hangs out

Hey, Sebastian. Who's this? guys like...him.

Who are you? He's here

I'm supposed to be your emotional support. for emotional support.

But you're too emotional.

[moaning]

Fags.

So, what, it's been about... [smacking lips]

five days since you last jerked off?

Wow, you're good.

[chuckles]

Thanks, Eric. That was fun.

No. Thank you, Teri.

Tiffani.

And I think this is yours. [spits]

Well, have fun fucking his puppy-dog eyes

and goofy charm.

I hope someday you can see past everything you don't like

and realize we had something special. about yourself

Wow. That was Hallmarky, Marc, even for you.

[scoffs]

Stop the spread of faggotry.

Stop the spread of faggotry.

[sighs]

Okay, just because we used to date the same loser

doesn't mean we have to be all cunty to each other.

You're right. Truce?

Oh, I'm s--

[whimpering] What's wrong?

I just...

I don't want to be a slut anymore.

I want a boyfriend.

[sobbing]

I just really wish Caleb was still here.

Is that the heterosexual you were trying to sleep with?

No. Well, yes.

He was my roommate who I used to want.

Your roommate dumped you?

No, my boyfriend dumped me.

My roommate isn't here to help me through this.

So, is your roommate the gay one or the straight one?

You're not listening to me. My boyfriend's gay,

and not just that, he's the hottest gay

Honey, you're gonna make it with plenty of hotties. I will ever make it with.

Mom, it's not even that. He's gonna find a new boyfriend

You are not going to be alone. first, and I'm gonna be alone.

There are plenty of rainbow fish in the sea.

Ha-ha. Plenty of cocks in the henhouse.

Mom! Plenty of freshmen ass

Ew, Mom!

Kyle, I am really trying here.

I know, Mom. Thanks.

Do you have any idea what it's like to be a gay man

My God, you have no idea. trapped inside a woman's body?

Well, there's, like, five gay men trapped inside me,

and they're all greasy and having sex with each other

and just trying to fuck their way out.

Send me an X-ray.

Why are you being all Fiona Apple?

I broke up with Shane. He's single?

Hands off, cock-monger.

[laughs] I'm kidding.

What is it with straight guys and their aversion

I just got dumped.

What is with gay guys wanting to suck

Yeah, I heard. I'm so sorry. everyone's dick?

Sorry you're a psychopath.

I say this with my trademark sweetness,

but you do know that Marc was the best thing that will

Hey, I'm a catch. Says who? Your mom? ever happen to you?

Other people do, too.

I just...

I just want to hear "I love you"

instead of "Take it, you tight little snatch."

Hi, Mr. Thompson. Tiffani.

Oh, I love your pastel paisley halter

with the chiffon inlet overlay.

My wife has one just like it.

[mouths words] Okay, class.

Fingertips.

I don't know how many of you

are sick to death with still life,

but if I see another fruit, I'm gonna have a hissy.

I think it's time that we tried something [apple thuds]

a little more...dangerous.

[door opens] Class,

meet Troy.

[laughing] [door closes]

Ta-da! [chuckling]

Troy's going to model for us today.

Nude.

Troy is a veterinarian major

who has just moved here, fresh,

from a little town in Illinois known as--

Oh, Troy.

[chuckling, muttering]

Troy from Troy. [laughs]

My parents didn't want me to forget where I was from.

How rustic.

He's got an accent. He looks like

baling hay and milking things. he spent his life

He looks like sex.

Well, um, Troy from Illinois.

[laughing, muttering]

Uh, whenever you, uh, feel inspired.

[laughing]

I, uh... [clears throat]

So, uh, where do you want me?

On my face.

[stammers] Right here on my desk.

And, uh, we'll get you in, um, several different positions.

Missionary, reverse cowgirl, 69.

Chalks to paper!

Oops. [giggles]

Dropped it. Guess I'll just ha--

No, no, no, no, no, no, no. Permit me.

I wouldn't want you

to ruin anybody's art by moving.

Hi. [giggles]

Nice to meet you.

Same here.

Okay. I'm just...

Okay.

I want to hit that harder than Ike hit Tina.

Oh! I want to be wrapped in his arms

I want to see him get it on with his forever and ever.

You think he's gay?

Does Whitney want crack?

[gasps] Hey, there!

I didn't recognize you without your penis.

I had to leave it there. School property and all.

I'm Gwen.

The girl with the big boobs is Tiffani.

The guy with the small pe-- I'm Kyle.

Troy.

From Troy. Illinois.

[clears throat] Oh, are those your drawings?

Yeah.

This is mine. That's Kyle's, and Tiffani's.

I've never drawn one before, so I figured

that I would just focus on it.

Well, you're very generous. I'm a giver.

Aw, this one's incredible.

Thanks. You just spoke to me.

Are you an art major? No.

She's undeclared, which is practically the same thing.

Well, you should be.

How'd you get into nude modeling?

Well, I grew up in the country,

and no one's around, so I just go naked a lot.

Then I bought a Webcam. I'm so Googling you.

When I moved here, I found I can get paid

I was like, "Sign me up!"

Next stop, porn.

How much does that ass of yours bring in?

Oh, 50 bucks a class. Porn pays way better.

Yeah, I'd just as likely do it for a case of beer or weed.

Ah, noted. When did you move here?

A couple weeks ago. All by your lonesome?

Yeah. I'll bet it was great.

Start over where no one knows your name.

You can do anything you want with whomever you want.

I guess.

Kind of miss my mom.

Oh, so you're close to your mom?

I miss both my parents,

but there's something about a mom, you know?

A boy needs none other than the love of his mother.

Yeah.

Hey, we were gonna go grab some coffee.

Ah, I got to get home. But thanks for the offer. You wanna come?

Maybe some other time? Someone waiting for you

Uh, my roommate.

He's secretly in love with me.

I'll see you in class. Keep up the good work.

Oh, keep up the good penis!

[Man] Stop the spread of faggotry.

I totally thought he was a 'mo

till he made that lame straight-guy joke.

He's an enigma fucking a riddle

I love being single.

Stop the spread of faggotry.

But spreading is my favorite thing.

I'll be praying for you.

[Gwen] Hold that pose.

Would you boys do me a favor and just sit there for a minute?

Or 20?

But I want him out of here in five.

What's her story?

I, uh, used to flirt with this one,

but we never did anything 'cause I wasn't available.

So we're going to make up for lost time.

[door opens]

Man whore!

[door closes] [sighs]

Lucky bastard.

[Kyle] See that guy over there?

The studly rack of meat or your loser ex-boyfriend?

The meat rack. Marc pre-cheated with him and with a couple

He pre-cheated? It's this thing that gays do. of other guys, too.

The moment their relationship starts getting a little rocky,

they start lining up replacement sex partners.

The second they're single, it's, "Hey, remember me?

Your boyfriend's far too creampuff You want some head?"

I didn't say he cheated. He pre-cheated. to cheat.

God, you're paranoid. I know how his mind works.

If I were hot enough, I'd do the same thing.

I guess it's over.

Look what I found! Hey.

Troy! Nude guy!

So, Troy, the three of us are falling behind in art class,

Do you have a preference? and we were wondering...

Uh...

[coughing]

See? It works.

Now take off your clothes, damn it.

This is kind of weird.

No. Come on. We're just gonna draw, really.

So, did you leave someone special back home?

Nope.

That's probably good. Yep.

I've always wondered what it would be like

I mean, what did you do for fun? to live on a farm.

Mostly, we'd just drive around the strip on weekends

or-- or throw parties in some field.

I always liked the idea of being out among all

getting fucked in a rainstorm, the nature,

getting fucked in a tractor,

getting fucked in a...

[laughs] Can't say I did all that.

Well, where did you get fucked?

Regular places. Bed. I don't know.

My car. In the ass?

Excuse me?

Oops. I mean, boys or girls?

Uh...

Uh, I'm sorry. If you don't want to talk about this...

No, it's-- it's okay, I guess.

Girls,

mostly.

[gasping]

Why? Does that freak you out? Oh, honey, no.

I'm what they call a fag hag. So you are gay, then.

I am... I'm not gay. It's just...

Well, all kinds of people hit on me,

so I just kind of go along with it.

What the hell does that mean?

I like it.

I mean, we're all just people.

Just bodies with organic needs.

So, did you ever have a girlfriend?

What about boyfriends?

Well, I-- I had this really close friend

But I never done much with a guy before, in high school.

'cause I want to get married and have kids.

Not that gay guys can't, 'cause they can.

It's just...

I don't know.

Being gay just seems like so much work.

First, you have to tell everyone. Amen, sister.

And then there's rejection. That's no fun.

STDs. If you're lucky. You're never hot enough.

There's this group-- Coming In.

I kind of wanna go check 'em out, 'cause I

The antigays? Ex-gays. think they might fix me.

Just like you, Kyle, right? What?

What? Kyle used to be gay.

[gasps] You two should hang out,

swap stories. [nervous chuckle] get to know each other,

You're an ex-gay?

[Kyle] Well...

You're, like, my idol.

I totally just wanna get inside of you and learn everything.

Uh...

Oh, my God!

You two are together, right?

Yes. Yes. Yeah.

We are boyfriend and girlfriend.

God, I knew it!

You're always together, but I wasn't sure.

It must've been the... The fact that I act so faggy?

And you're really straight now?

As a cucumber.

God! No wonder I felt so comfortable with you two.

How long you been together? Uh...

a few months. Yeah.

And it's true love. Open up, my little sex monkey.

[nervous laugh] [forced laugh] Oh! Oh, God!

You're comfortable that he used to...

Smoke sausage?

You know, we've all got skeletons in our closet.

His are just more well hung. And how's that going for you?

Well, how do you think it's going for him?

Yeah. Yeah, she's awesome.

Oh! He especially loves my titties.

Breasts!

So, what are the meetings like?

Oh, uh, you know, I've never been to this chapter.

Oh, my God. Would you do me the biggest favor? I don't--

You have to take me to one of these meetings. Of course I'd do you...

You could be, like, my-- my sponsor or whatever. There's one tomorrow.

You know, honey, do it.

It might do you some good to renew your vows

Not that he doesn't ride me every night. to heterosexuality.

[chuckles]

Uh, okay.

It's a date! [chuckles]

I'll be right back. I have to go use the head.

What the hell just happened?

We just got you laid by Troy from Illinois.

You made me into an ex-gay. Those are my least

Grow some nuts. Do you think favorite kinds of gays.

remotely interested in you if you were he would've been

Listen to me.

I don't have a chance in this godforsaken world

of wrapping my lips around his 40 acres and a mule,

So you're saying he'll let me have sex with him but you do.

You heard him. You'll be his new ause I'm not gay?

Since you're straight, you'll get to hang out close friend.

You'll support him in all those straight with him.

until, eventually,

all his repressed passion explodes!

Right down your throat.

This is sick. You're both sick!

You think it could work?

Damn!

Hey.

No way.

I'm so nervous. It's okay.

You'll be fine.

What are you doing? Straight-male bonding.

[chattering]

Hi.

[Men] Hi.

I'm Octavio. [Man]

Introductions lead to conversations, Octavio.

lead to invitations of intercourse

I'll do the introducing.

What the hell do you want?

Oh, uh... We want to join.

I find that hard to believe.

Maybe we should leave. God believes me.

Well, I did pray for you.

I know.

Spooky.

I'm Jacob Buchanan, Coming In president.

This is Derek, Allan, Roy and, uh...

Violet.

Violet.

Well, I'm Kyle, and... Troy.

[all] Hi, Troy.

Hello, Kyle. [Jacob] Hi.

what we're all about here, right, at Coming In? You do know

Well, yeah, but he doesn't need to be here.

He's a success story. [nervous chuckle]

Kyle's renouncing his sexuality?

What's going on? Are you sitting down?

Now, who'd like to speak first? Okay, I will.

I have some great news that is gonna change

I have been asked to present all of our lives.

the new ad campaign for Coming In National.

The board of directors, including my mom,

and if they like my presentation, is gonna be here next week,

which they will,

you're gonna see my posters

in high schools and college campuses

across the nation.

"Homo no more. Stop the spread of faggotry."

Now, I need you to repeat this slogan to every student

"Homo no more" is gonna become a national catchphrase. across campus.

Like, "Can you hear me now?"

Yeah, only more clever.

So, let's have a testimonial. Who wants to start?

I sucked a dick.

Shut up. Are you serious?

Like a fox. That's fabulous.

What was it like? Details.

Yeah, yeah. Well, tell us how it

Well, I got really trashed

at the Up With Jesus kegger,

and this skinny guy

with dyed black hair and lipstick

asked if I wanted to do one of those

They started playing My Chemical Romance, upside-down keg shooters.

Downed half the keg, and before I knew it, we were so I took that as a sign.

choking on his dick,

my makeup smearing, I'm about to puke.

It was great.

I watched porn.

Straight porn. And I made sure

so I wouldn't focus on his, um... it was Ron Jeremy,

Yeah. Yeah.

And it was hot.

Good. Good.

Allan, how are things going with, um...

Was her name Leslie?

I think so. Yeah.

Uh, we went on a date.

And what happened on this date?

We went to this cute little Italian restaurant.

Service was great.

No. No, no. I meant physically.

Oh, well, um,

after dinner, we went back to her dorm.

Were you nervous? Oh, yeah.

Turned on? Well...

I'm trusting at some point you got turned on, right?

Oh, yeah! Yeah!

[chuckles]

Totally...turned on. Rock hard.

Tell me about that.

Uh, um, let's see. [chuckles]

We sat on her bed,

and she showed me this photo album she had

of this Japanese internment camp she had visited.

And we were balancing the book on our legs,

and her knee grazed my knee,

and that kind of got me going.

And then?

Then?

She jumped on top of me.

Really?

And, uh, I let her kiss me and stuff.

Good! Good. Now, did she go for second base?

Run her hands up and down your smooth chest

A little.

Might not count. Why don't you show me?

Like...this, I guess.

[Jacob] But never the nipples?

On this date, did you think about men? No.

No. No. Never?

What about your locker room fantasy?

Thrusting jockstraps, towels snapping at your ass.

I never said anything about towels.

Well...

next week's assignment--

and I'm holding you to this-- is third base.

But what about the girl?

Leslie? Yeah, Leslie.

Shouldn't I respect her and stuff?

She's not gonna get pregnant.

All I'm asking for is one finger...

[swooshing sound] in her bush.

So, I'm fascinated to hear your guys's stories.

I'm not ready to talk yet.

But, uh, Kyle here has got a hottie girlfriend,

and they can't keep their hands off each other.

You...have a girlfriend? Mm-hmm.

And you used to be gay? Yeah.

Well, why don't you tell us, Kyle,

what brought about this amazing change?

Uh, my story...

Just speak from the heart, like Jesus would.

Well, I was...

pretty much born gay.

Mom said my first sentence was,

"Get those boobs out of my face," so...

Anyway, uh, I lived the gay lifestyle

and I dated a lot of guys. for a while,

A lot...of guys.

Just mens and mens and mens.

I mean, they were calling me all the time.

"Kyle, please have sex with me. Please!"

I was so popular. [Jacob] But then it began

See, you realized that gays--

they're not interested in getting to know you.

No, as soon as you put out, they vanish,

and then they never call you back when they say

because they're out with some stud they're gonna call you back,

when they say they should be in class!

I wouldn't say that.

Well, then, what exactly would you say, Kyle?

What brought about this amazing transformation?

Well, I got fed up

with the men and the sex and the fun,

the music and the apple martinis.

And just when I didn't know what else to do,

an angel from heaven above flew into my life.

A sexy 52-24-48 angel named Tiffani.

Is Tiffani a rhinoceros? Size doesn't matter.

What matters is, is that I fell in love,

Oh, stop.

But what about the sex?

Oh, it's a piece of cake. I just say, "Kyle,

"take everything you love about Reese Witherspoon

onto this girl who wants to be with you." and project it

And now I can't get enough.

That's incredible.

Yeah, 'cause you seem really gay.

Not anymore. I'm telling you, there is nothing

like the smooth, wet, porcelain lips of the vagina

spreading and enveloping me,

squeezing against the head of my dick

And that's nothing

compared to what it feels like to eat her out

and lap up all those fresh juices.

[coughing]

[snaps fingers]

Well, we look forward to seeing you both again.

Well, we both look forward to coming.

With girls. A little ex-gay joke. � ["Hallelujah Chorus"]

Jesus now will be keeping

Hey! Stop the spread of faggotry. an eye on you.

[Man] Fuck off, man.

That was fun! That was nerve-racking.

Yeah, you were sweating like a suicide bomber

Man, I love your...

sense of humor.

Man, you really dig your pussy.

Yeah. So, what are you up to now?

I gotta go model for Mr. Thompson's art class.

Hey, uh, are we still on for tomorrow's game?

Go, local sports team!

[laughs]

This must be the right place.

Hey, I'm Marc, Professor Thompson's Hey.

But I use the word "top" loosely. next top model.

Wow, great body. Yeah, I know.

I meant you.

Oh. Oh, thanks.

You're, uh, supposed to wear it

What? The robe. over your shoulders.

Oh. Yeah.

Did you want some privacy? 'Cause I could come back.

No. No. I'm gonna be naked in front of 15 people.

You're easy. How would you know?

No, I-- I wouldn't.

way, we're gonna be naked in front of 15 people.

Huh? We're posing together.

Seriously? You got a problem with that?

No, of-- of course not.

Are you gay?

Well, yeah. You got a problem with that?

N-No, I-- I don't have a problem with that.

I mean, you're not straight, are you?

Well...

Oh, my heck! Who-- Who are you?

Uh, I'm Marc, your model.

You are? Well, what about him?

You didn't request two models for today?

I have the Student Services req in here.

Nice.

What? What?

I can't find it.

I mean, I guess if you don't need two nudes today,

Oh, n-n-- Okay, okay. I know what. I can leave.

Yeah. 'Cause I-- I do need both-- both of-- both models.

[stammers] Nude. In five minutes.

[laughs] I'd forget head

What? [stammering] if it wasn't on top of me.

ould forget my head if it wasn't on top of me.

[laughs] My wife is always

You know I'm, uh...

[clears throat] I am, um-- I'm married.

I don't know if you know that.

You guys...carry on. [laughs] Oh, okay.

I'll, uh... I'll get the class ready.

So, what's your name again?

Troy.

And you're Marc.

With a C. Pretty gay, huh?

[chuckles] Yeah.

Look, dude, if you're worried about me looking at your dick,

But, I mean, don't sweat it. You're not my type. I can turn around.

I'm not?

No. Should you be? No, I guess not.

I mean, you're hot and all, but I like guys

Plus, your hair is too dark. And you're too tall. who can take charge.

[chuckles] Gee, thanks.

Just being honest with you. I think it's great-- types.

I mean, if we all wanted the same thing,

Maybe not everyone knows what their type is. might as well be straight.

True enough.

There was this one guy...

This sounds stupid, but when I met him,

I sort of saw something in his soul, like a light.

And physically, he was nothing like any

But when I saw that light, I realized... of the guys I dated before.

this is my type, too.

I asked him out, eventually.

That's deep.

Fuck you.

No, I'm serious. That's...

So, whatever happened to your soul man?

Doesn't matter.

Anyway, that's...

ancient history.

Hey, you need a workout buddy?

Yeah.

[Kyle] This feels horrible.

Stop shaking your ass so much.

Honey, men lie. And you're a man, technically. No, I mean lying to Troy.

Well, tonight, you better not forget to...

Fuck! Oh, honey, I never

No, "fuck," as in...

Kyle.

Well, hey, boys, what's up?

Oh, you two know Marc?

I used to have a big crush on Kyle.

Didn't I? But he's not

So, how do you two know each other? your type at all.

We got naked together last night.

Yeah, we both model for Mr. Thompson. What?

Ah. Well, he's a regular Gus Van Sant.

Can I talk to you for a second?

You haven't fucked him yet.

Hey, I don't treat people like pieces of meat.

Well, you should. It's fun.

You do know he's gay, right?

Oh, God, I'm sorry. Is that against the rules?

Dude, that's the only fucking rule!

Keep away from hot gay guys unless they have girlfriends

Okay, okay. Well, don't queen out about it. like me.

Besides, he told me I'm not his type.

And you believed him?

I bet he told you he saw a light in your soul, too.

Kyle, I think your girlfriend's getting jealous.

Oh, please. She trusts me completely.

We're stronger than ever. In fact, we were just

Whoa. Really? about to...fuck.

Yeah. I can hardly keep my fingers off

especially when he's all... [inhales sharply] his big, hard stick,

sweaty from power walking.

I'll bet. Go for it.

What?

Stick your hand in his shorts.

Get him hard. Yeah.

No way. What? Aren't you

Of course I'm straight. I just don't think parading straight anymore?

my heterosexuality around in public is very polite.

Well, then, how about you two just kiss?

Yeah, that'd be hot. Yeah.

A kiss.

And use some tongue.

Unless you don't like kissing your girlfriend.

Oh, I love kissing my girlfriend.

Prove it.

Oh, why should...

Wow.

You two, get a room. Invite me over.

[car approaching]

[tires screech]

Kyle? Mom?

Kyle!

What are you doing here? I was just running errands.

Oh, baby, this is more than I could ever

This is wonderful! [chuckling] have hoped for!

You are a girl, right?

Mom, of course she's a girl. Would you please

We hadn't told her yet. You don't understand. stop hugging me?

I used to catch this boy masturbating with every

And now this! Oh!

Have you told that awful ex-boyfriend of yours yet?

Mom, I have a feeling that he already knows.

I have a feeling this is the funniest thing

Well, I have a feeling that the childish things that he's he's ever seen.

In some small way, it's nice to know doing are acts of jealousy.

Who gives a shit about him? I'm gonna be a grandma! that he cares for a change.

This is war! Marc is gonna rue the day

Wow, you almost seem like a top. he ever messed with me!

whatever he wants just by taking his shirt off. Marc thinks he can get

Maybe some guys don't want a hot, muscular stud who's

Maybe some people think it's charming enough to pretend confident with their sexuality.

Some people like... Octavio. that you're sexually conflicted.

Octo-what?

Oh, hi, honey. I'm Tiffani.

The rhinoceros? Excuse me?

Tiffani, this is Octavio from that group that I

Mmm. Rhinoceros?

I'll call you tonight.

Good luck not fucking each other.

So, Octavio.

[corrects pronunciation] Octavio.

It's like you're saying a V and V at the same time. Octavio.

Octavio. "B and B"?

V and V.

So, what are you doing here?

Your girlfriend's sexy. Thanks.

Nothing like I expected. So what are you saying?

No, I just... I didn't believe you. I'm not good enough for her?

Something about you screamed single...and lonely.

Well, as you can see, I'm clearly not.

And horny.

Horny.

You're-- You're hitting on me.

[mouths words]

What about Homo No More?

I thought they straightened you out.

Yeah, but when I saw you at the meeting,

I sort of fell off my wagon.

Well, you didn't really have that far to fall.

I must have you.

I have a feeling that this is against the rules.

It's okay. That bossy guy, Jacob, he breaks the rules

Wait. Jacob's gay? Of course. all the time.

One time he followed me into the bathroom at school

and started tapping his toes underneath the stall.

Anyways, enough about him.

Your lips taste like cherry.

It's my girlfriend's lip gloss.

Oh, Octavio. [corrects pronunciation]

Well, I'm this way. Thanks for the jog. Octavio.

Cool. Hey, you wanna come over tonight?

Uh, no, I can't. I'm gonna watch the game

Oh. Well, you guys have fun.

Hey, you wanna jog again tomorrow?

Maybe late afternoon? We can hang out afterwards.

That'd be great. Cool.

That's how we gays do it.

Hey, w-wasn't that awesome?

Yeah.

Kyle made his mom so happy.

What could they possibly have in common

besides wanting to be straight?

Well, they both have dicks that haven't been sucked today.

Thanks, Gwen.

You have nothing to worry about.

Kyle's nonthreatening. He's like...soy milk

or something you use when you run out of normal milk.

And you're cream-- gay cream.

Ew. Hold still!

What's up with all the drawing?

I don't know.

I like it. I'm kind of good at it.

Since when?

Since now.

I think I found my calling.

I barely think about sex anymore.

I just wanna draw it.

That's so not like you.

And you being all jealous isn't like you, either.

Look, it's simple. Troy is a blank canvas.

No, he's a sketch.

He's got all these lame ideas about what being gay is like,

but he needs you to come in and provide the horny details.

Ha-ha. And before you know it...

fine art.

[grunting]

[crowd cheering on TV] Fucking shit!

Come on, motherfuckers! We can win this! Fucking shit!

Kyle, 48 points behind with less than a minute to go.

Oh. [TV off]

That was actually fun, though.

I mean, it sucks that we lost.

Aw, you'll get over it.

Um, so how was your day?

Strange.

But, you know, there was something that I wanted

Something I didn't share with the group yesterday. to talk to you about.

I didn't exactly go cold salami when I

There were a few slip-ups. While you were with Tiffani. decided to turn straight.

Well, yeah. And she's great,

because she understands how pent-up feelings

can just explode if you don't do anything about 'em.

So, it's-- it's okay if one of us makes a mistake

You know, we've even talked about the possibility of... every once in a while.

playing...together.

What, like a three-way? Yeah.

Yeah. I had a three-way once.

What? Yeah, with two girls.

Oh. I guess that counts.

Barely.

We were in this empty farmhouse outside of town.

It was going great, you know.

They had me in the middle. We were kissing.

And then they pulled their panties down

and that's when things started to fall apart. and pushed me downtown,

So you didn't like it?

Well, it wasn't doing much for me.

Well, lots of straight guys don't like eating pussy. Does that make me gay?

I mean, they complain about it all the time.

Well, the situation got worse. So what happened next?

I couldn't, you know.

I couldn't find their clits. You couldn't?

Or G-spots or whatever.

I was down there forever. It was embarrassing.

They laughed at me.

And one of them even called me the Susan Lucci

Seventeen attempts and no clit. of tongue fucking.

I know where it's at. You do?

Yeah. Well, could you show me?

Show you? How do you find it

How am I supposed to show you that? on Tiffani?

How about I use yours?

You know, so you can feel what I'm doing.

This is stupid. No, come on.

I'll show you my whole routine. It'll be fun.

All right. [clears throat]

All right. First,

you gotta start with some little teases.

Breathe on it.

[exhales] Make her squirm.

And then, you just...

[laughing] Which is usually not

No, it's-- it's good. It's-- It's good. the reaction that I get.

In the middle of all of this,

of course,

is the love button.

But most girls go nuts if you just...

dive on in.

That's good.

That's really good.

Sorry I missed the game, guys. What the hell?

I was just showing Troy some tips on the art

Not that I need 'em.

Even Melissa Etheridge could learn a thing or two from Kyle.

I gotta get going.

Oh, stay. There's plenty to eat.

Uh, I gotta call it a night. Yeah, you don't have to go.

Thanks for, um, time, Kyle.

Did you see that? One more session like that,

Yeah, if he doesn't explode with Marc first. and he's gonna explode.

[yells] I win!

[chuckling] Oh.

What?

So, uh, when did you first know for sure you were gay?

Mmm. Just now.

No, I had my suspicions when I was, like, 12 or 13.

But I didn't know for sure until a couple years later

when I went down on my first guy.

It's the best thing that's ever happened to me.

What? Being gay?

Yeah.

Imagine that you think you're gonna live your life one way--

you get a job, you get married, get a three-bedroom house--

and then you discover this...thing about yourself.

It opens up a million new options as to how

Suddenly, you don't have those milestones you can live your life.

that straight people have to compare each other against.

You can...choose your own adventure.

I love those books.

Me, too. But aren't you worried

you'll end up all alone and not have

Doesn't everyone? Gay or straight? any of those things?

Sprint you home.

[panting]

And just so you know, Kyle's mom's reaction

to him being straight wasn't awesome.

Huh? Well,

you said it like you were happy for them.

Like that's the way it should be.

My parents are totally cool with me being gay.

Yeah, but are your parents really okay with it?

I bet Kyle's mom grew to be okay with it.

But you saw how happy she was.

And that's what parents really want for their kids.

If you ask, most parents will say

they just want their kids to be happy.

And maybe my mom would be happier if I put

But you've seen those ex-gays. Is that happy? my dick somewhere else.

[sighs] If your parents love you

and they think you're happy, they'll adjust.

I don't think my parents would adjust to me being gay.

They shouldn't have anything to do with it.

You have to be who you are. It's the only way

And it's the only way I can live at all. you can live with yourself.

Did you wanna take a shower?

k about getting my creative juices flowing.

I didn't know you were here.

Would you boys let me draw you? Wait. Keep 'em down.

What, together?

No, right where you are. Right now.

l call it Proposition.

What do you think? I don't know. It...

It's this or renting a movie. Choose your own adventure.

When I walked in on the two of you, I was, like,

"Fuck this drawing-one-person-at-a-time

If I can capture the tension between these two"... shit.

There was tension? Honey, it was more tense than

Now, make that look you had-- Star Jones in a training bra.

surprised, a little turned-on, kind of scared.

No. I don't know.

Stare at Marc's crotch and imagine what he could

Trust me, he could do a lot. do to you with that.

Perfect.

So, uh, you two dated?

Gwen was my last girlfriend. And Marc was my first.

After him, all I ever wanted

I've got an idea. This could take forever, to date were fags.

and I see the potential for something more interesting.

Could I do a series with you guys?

Almost like a story that starts with this scene

What do you think? I don't know. and goes from there.

If I said, "Pose with a woman,"

It's not like we'd even have time to pose for a series. you'd totally do it.

I'll take photos and use them to draw from.

Come on. We can be done in minutes,

depending how well you two...connect.

Yeah, but Troy feels uncomfortable.

No. I'll do it.

Perfect. I'll get my camera.

You sure?

Yeah.

Choose your own adventure.

Okay, Troy, sit back down. Marc, off with the pants.

[beeps] Perfect.

Okay, Troy, stand back up with Marc.

I want you to do that same character

Like he's a virgin and he wants it, you were doing.

Can you do that? Yeah. but he's confused.

So, Marc, honey, why don't you

and put your hands underneath... get down on one knee

Yeah, that. [camera beeps]

Actually, raise the shirt a little

so you're looking into his eyes. and lift your head

[camera beeps]

Look like you're in the moment and you want it.

[beeps]

Marc, I want you to stand and take Troy's...

Yeah, that. [camera beeps]

Now, Troy, the removal of the shirt

is one of the hottest moments.

When you know soon you'll be skin on skin,

chest on chest,

lips on lips.

[camera beeps] Marc, toss the shirt aside.

Marc, lick one of Troy's nipples.

Don't worry. It'll feel good.

Yeah. I-- I know.

[camera beeping]

Troy, run your left hand through Marc's hair.

[camera beeps]

Marc, hold it right there.

Troy, pull Marc in.

[camera beeps]

Yeah.

[camera beeps]

Marc, lick his chest up to his neck.

[camera beeps]

[Gwen] How you feeling, Troy?

Really, really good.

Then throw your head back.

[grunts] Sorry.

It's perfect. Stay right there.

Marc, make like you're kissing your way down.

[camera beeping]

How 'bout I do this?

This is hot, right? God, yeah.

You're a natural, Troy.

[camera beeps] Close your eyes.

Marc, move down between his legs and kiss his stomach.

[camera beeping]

Now, Marc, get up so that you're on top of him,

face-to-face.

You can open your eyes if you want.

Hold that pose. Like you're about to kiss.

One of those first kisses

that takes forever before you meet.

Moving closer...

and closer.

[camera beeping]

Shit! What?

My card's full. Hey, look, I wanna

You're fine with that, right? Uh-huh. keep this going.

I'll just go upload 'em in my room.

It'll take 15 minutes. Hold that pose.

I'll be in my room. With the door closed.

[door closes]

I...don't think I can stay like this for 15 minutes.

Me, either.

I-- I know I'm not your type, but...

And I'm not a girl, but we'll improvise.

[moaning]

Oh, that feels so good. [moans]

I'm gonna... I'm gonna...

[grunting]

Wow.

That was...fast.

I'm sorry. It's-- It's been a while.

Plus, I-- I haven't gotten it

Like that-- meaning with a guy like that before.

Here, let me get you a towel. or meaning it was that good?

My turn.

[moaning, grunting]

Troy... [groans]

Teeth! Teeth! Sorry. Sorry.

[moans] It's okay.

Oh, yeah! Oh!

[straining] Oh, yeah!

[grunts] All right.

[sighing]

Am I not doing it right?

No, you were fine. I just...

No, I just can't.

Fuck! Why am I so bad at giving oral sex?

No, you were doing great. I just...

I'm sorry.

Is it because I'm not your type?

Troy, you're hot, trust me.

Or, no, don't trust me.

Can you wait one minute?

These are hot.

I can't do it.

But it's going exactly how you wanted.

I just can't do it.

If Kyle wants to pretend to be straight

that's his prerogative.

I just can't do this anymore.

Well, can we at least finish the photo shoot?

[door closes]

[car departs] Oh, great.

He's probably freaking out about

He's probably looking for someone making it with a guy.

I know where he's going. who won't cock-tease him.

[sighs] I fucked up.

I had sex with a guy.

Was it Marc?

Oh, my God! That's horrible!

I know. It was.

It was? It was?

I felt so guilty, because...

all I could do was think about you, Kyle.

Really? Yeah. And how I let you down,

and how I let the group down,

and how, more than anything, I just wanted to be

Or with a man and a woman.

I don't know. It's so confusing.

[sighs] And then I thought

and what good friends you've been to me, of you two,

and how honest and open you've been about

and about how you two have...an arrangement. your struggles, Kyle,

Wait, wait. Is this too weird?

It's not too weird! It's not too weird!

Ahhh!

[panting] Show me.

Huh? Show me your routine.

Oh. It's gonna go that far, huh?

Three-ways usually do.

I want you to teach me.

Please? I need this.

Well, why don't I do a little mouth magic

That'll get me all nice and rolling out on you first?

No. You two first.

That way, it'll get me ready for what you're gonna do to me.

But you don't want sloppy seconds.

I mean, company should go first.

[whimpers]

[whimpers]

That is so hot. [nervous chuckle]

Oh, Kyle, eat me out already. The boy wants to see

Please don't make me! Please don't make me! how it's done.

[grunting]

[lips smacking]

Oh, yeah.

Oh, yes. That's it.

You can do it. Make Mama proud.

My God, it's like the little homo that could.

Do you wanna try now, please?

Troy? [Kyle gulps]

Where are you going? [gasps]

Well, that certainly didn't taste like sugar and spice.

Troy? What's going on?

It's my pussy. My pussy scared him away!

You little ex-gay sluts!

Oh, my God!

Can we come in, or were you in

What are you doing here?

We're not eating pussy. What are the three of you doing?

Well, [gulps]

Kyle was showing Troy the art of cunnilingus.

And he was doing an admirable job.

Yeah, for a gay guy.

Yeah, I know. Everything. And you guys will do

I ate pussy for nothing?

You deserved it. Hey!

It wasn't that bad.

I'm sorry. I'm horrible.

We're all horrible.

If it's any consolation, it wasn't just about the sex.

We really liked you. Working out with you.

Watching the game. Drawing you.

Well, it doesn't matter now. You think he's gonna wanna

Now, what the fucked-up thing is, even though have anything to do with us?

and to each other and to people you lied to me

I like you...liars.

We like you, too. Yeah, you're so cool.

And I'm sorry. I know I kind of led y'all on

Yeah, so, come on. You've sucked dick and eaten pussy. with the whole confused thing.

Well, that's what's been tripping me up all these years. Which is it?

I thought it had to be one or the other.

After sampling both, I've come to a conclusion.

I'm...bisexual.

[all together] There's no such thing!

Says who? Uh, the laws of nature.

It's like horses fucking gerbils.

Well, then, I'm a freak of nature,

Good. Be proud, bi-boy.

I wish you'd been proud when we met.

Yeah, I guess that's hard n people like you

and Jacob Buchanan tell him how bad it is to be gay.

Yeah. I'm sorry.

I should've helped you instead of trying

of you not knowing what you were. to take advantage

So, what do we do now?

We're gonna stop people like me.

No one should take advantage of confused queer kids.

And the sooner we help them see past what it is

so they can see all the great things right in front of them, they don't like in themselves

the better.

He's a homo who fucks things up for other homos.

Octavio, if people like him weren't around, I don't know if that's--

You would get laid like that. [snaps fingers] everyone would come out.

Hmm. I take your point.

I'll do it. And then we make love.

Stop the spread of faggotry.

Wake up and smell the patchouli. You're a dyke.

Help! I'm being recruited!

Convince me you didn't like that.

Look, I'm not gonna embrace who I am Do your best.

just because it's obvious, okay?

What? Everyone's so cool

"Will and Grace t Clay Aiken that." with being gay.

Well, I'm not gonna be labeled.

You're not convincing me.

Okay, I'm gay. Now shut up and kiss me.

I'm not gay. Then what do you want?

I want us to make art.

That is so...hot.

God, you are a lesbian.

[Kyle] Mom?

What are you doing here?

What's wrong? Nothing.

No. What? I've never seen you this upset.

[sniffles]

I was at the beauty shop,

and I was looking through a magazine,

and I saw that the Oscars are coming up.

Well, I thought, who am I gonna watch

And then that Britney Aguilera song came on. the Oscars with?

You know, that one about you're beautiful,

And I thought, who is gonna play me even if you're ugly and gay?

And who is gonna take me dancing this shitty music?

Oh, Mom, come on. Oh, no, you stop. when I've had a bad date?

You're gonna get married and have kids,

I'm gonna visit with my girlfriend, for Christ's sake.

and all we're gonna talk about is our grandchildren.

And that is so boring!

And, Kyle,

you have never been boring,

and that is because you're gay.

You're a fag,

and I want my little faggot back!

Mom, he is back.

[sobbing] Honey.

[tape ripping]

Did my vagina scare you away?

The other night. You ran away the second What?

Don't be crazy. I think you have you saw my vagina.

Well, you sure know how to charm a girl. a very sexy vagina.

[tape ripping] There.

This port-a-potty's ready to roll.

Stop the spread of faggotry. I got his precious BlackBerry.

All right. Now, do what you gotta do, We have five minutes.

[Octavio on phone] Cool. It shouldn't take more but be quick about it.

Hi. Hey. than a couple of minutes.

So, you wanna--

Got it.

Perfect. Now get your ass at the parking lot, pronto.

This is turning me on. Stop the spread

Octavio, aren't you going to the big presentation? of faggotry.

Oh, yeah. But it's not till 1:00.

It's in five minutes.

It's at 1:00. Check your schedule.

Oh. I could've sworn it was...

So, it looks like you have some time to kill, huh?

Well, you know, there's plenty of work

Oh, that's...too bad.

Hi. Are you here for Coming In?

Yes, we are. Where's Jacob?

I'm Linda, his mother. Oh, Mrs. Buchanan,

I'm Kyle, one of Jacob's right-hand men. so nice to meet you.

He's running a little late, but he did say to go ahead

Huh. Jacob's never mentioned you. and start without him.

Oh, well, that's probably because he's been so busy

talking about all the girls he's been dating, huh?

[laughs]

No.

No kissing.

[chuckles] You like it nasty, huh?

[moans]

[moaning]

Today, I am proud to present

the fruits of my son's labor.

But more than that,

I am excited to see the swelling

of Coming In.

As the homosexual threat

seems to be swelling exponentially,

it is people like my son Jacob

who continues to thrust our crusade

Oh, yes. I have wanted this into the spotlight.

[unzipping] for so long.

Shh. Shh. No. I want to be loud.

It's dangerous. It's hot.

Open this. And shut up.

Jacob has always been a beacon of light.

When he came to me as a teenager and told me

I knew we could destroy them with loving support of his inner demons,

and a strong fist.

Oh, you're gonna split me in two,

[moans, grunts]

And we have!

Today, Jacob dates girls! And he likes dating girls.

Jacob proves that if you can fight it,

And if you can hide it, you can bury it! you can hide it.

Thank you.

[Jacob moans]

[no audible dialogue]

[moans] What was that?

Oh, God, it was?

Oh, God, it is you!

In keeping with the themes that you've mentioned, Linda,

local artist Gwen Anderson and Coming In member we've commissioned

to portray the revolting and immoral acts Violet Muffdaver

in a new and compelling campaign, which we'd like of homosexuality

Gwen.

[Jacob, Octavio moaning] [squeaking]

[moaning continues] [squeaking continues]

Members of the student press, heterosexuals,

and those who want to be,

we present Coming In's newest ad campaign.

[all gasp]

"Gay sex sucks." [Guests murmuring]

Oh, God! Oh, baby!

This...is...

absolutely revolting!

Where is Jacob?

Oh, baby, I'm so close.

Where is my son? [Jacob yelling]

I'm going to find Jacob,

and when he's through with you...

Oh, baby! So close! So close! [Jacob] Oh, God! Oh!

[moaning loudly] Oh, baby!

So close! So close! [moaning continues]

Jacob?

Oh, I'm coming!

[all gasp]

[moans] [Guests murmuring]

[Man whispers] That's Jacob!

Oh!

Mommy?

[vomits] [groans]

Get this off of me.

[Man] Terrible.

Yep, he's gay.

[Linda] And zip up, Jacob.

Gwen, I was wondering if I could maybe

Me, too.

[both chuckle]

I didn't know outing someone could be so much fun.

[Jacob] This is who I am...

Listen, Tiffani, uh,

I don't know how you feel about

Well, I let my ex-boyfriend's gay roommate go down on me. the whole...bisexual thing.

I'm a pretty open person. Yeah, well,

you know how you and Kyle were pretending to have

You mean the three-ways?

Yeah.

Um, how would you feel

if you really had that with me?

Because...I'd be honored to be your boyfriend.

No one's ever said that to me before.

You know, you went above and beyond the call of duty. [giggles]

[chuckles] No. That was hot.

And now I think it's time for you to repay me

Oh, Octavio, I don't think-- for my services.

No.

Well, that was easy. I'm out of here.

You come back here, and you talk...

I'm glad you caught me.

I'm gay, and Octavio...

[corrects pronunciation] Octavio.

Well, he's my lover. [scoffs]

[Guests gasping, murmuring]

Well, we're off for a fuck. Seems like everybody is.

Just do me one favor. Yeah?

Lead him to the clit. Oh, honey,

from the waist down, it's all clit.

That's how I do it.

You know what? These lies I get us into

really have a way of working out.

Yeah. Perfect.

Remember how when you and Marc were fighting over Troy,

you tapped into some unknown confidence

Yeah.

Use it.

[footsteps approaching]

So, the plan worked.

Everyone seems to be happy.

So, Octavio, huh?

Oh, please. There's nothing there.

Just a friend I had sex with once.

Looks like you went out and made some hot friends.

Yeah. I got more social.

It does make you jealous.

[chuckles] What?

When Troy left last night, I knew where he was going.

The same place I used to go when I had a problem

I got jealous. [chuckles] I needed to talk about.

So,

do you think that you can find it in your heart

who pretended to be straight just to get laid? to love somebody

I don't know.

Can you love someone who flirted with

while he was your boyfriend? way too many guys

Can you love somebody whose last sexual act

Can you love someone who--

Wait. Being a flirt was my only flaw, right?

I don't know. I lost count.

You brushed your teeth, right?

Does that turn you on as much as I think it does?

Yeah.

But that doesn't mean I'm not open to new experiences.

Come here.

Better than boys?

Different.

Different rocks.

� [pop rock]

[Man] � You say that you're in

� You say that you're out

� So now that it's clear

� Then there really is no doubt �

� It's only half the story

� You say that you'll leave

� You say that you'll stay

� And so I believe

� Every single word you say

� Is only half the story

� If you're only telling me half the story �

� Then I only trust half of you �

� If you're only telling me half the story �

� Just tell me which half is true �

[moaning loudly]

Yes! Yes! Yes!

[sighing]

Did I do good? Yes, baby, you did good.

All right. Time for thirds.

� [continues]

� I say I love you

� You say you love me

� It's our fairy tale

� We can make it end happily

� So let's rewrite the story

� If you're only telling me half the story �

� Which half are you gonna stick to �

� If you start telling me all the story �

� I'll start a new story with you �

� If you're only telling me half the story �

� Then I only trust half of you �

� If you're only telling me half the story �

� Just tell me which half is true �

� If you're only telling me half the story �

� Which half are you gonna stick to �

� If you start telling me all the story �

� I'll start a new story with you �

� [ends]

[Man] � You make it better

� When we are together

� Yeah, you make it better

� Every day

� You make it better

� When we are together

� Yeah, you make it better

� Every day

Closed-Captioned By J.R. Media Services, Inc.

Oh, God!

Oh, God!

I am gay.

Oh!