Original subtitles

♪ synth music ♪

♪ Ooh ♪

♪ It's Showtime tonight ♪

Previously on Black Monday...

- Whoa! - We thought

you might call the wedding off

after your whole

engagement party fiasco.

- Oh! - What?

- Oh! - Oh, my God!

As if, slut!

- I found these

at the Georginas' apartment.

They must have kidnapped Tiff themselves.

We want Maurice Monroe,

and you are gonna give him to us.

I want a divorce.

Blair is in love with me, and I think

I'm falling for him, too.

♪ percussive music ♪

♪ Tiffany's "I Think We're Alone Now" playing ♪

♪ They don't understand and so they ♪

♪ Keep asking if this whole thing's a gaffe ♪

♪ How'd such a catch end up with a Pfaff? ♪

♪ I said no-sevelt to a Roosevelt ♪

♪ That Hearst was the worst ♪

♪ Almost had a child with a Rothschild ♪

♪ And Anderson Cooper ♪

Oof.

I still can't believe you left Spencer

for Blair.

You love bitches more than Billie Jean King.

Do you work on these at home?

- No. - No?

- Whatever. - Yeah.

- Sometimes on the toilet. - Okay.

What I'm saying is, if these guys are your type,

what'd you ever see in me?

You are the biggest bitch of all.

You're afraid of love.

♪ I said no to a Devin, an Evan, and a Kevin ♪

♪ And don't even get me started on the Davids ♪

♪ Don't worry, none of them were Jews ♪

Did you know the song that knocked this song

out of the number one spot

was also a Shondells cover,

"Mony Mony." The '80s suck.

Yeah, well, did you know that I paid good "mony mony"

to a girl named Shondell

to put my number one in her spot?

I dare you to tell the truth one time.

Red or white?

Or I could mix 'em. You...strike me

as a pink guy.

What the fuck are you talking--

You know what? Take your time.

We're not going anywhere.

Uh, can I order something?

Caterers are terrible.

♪ Blair's not alone now ♪

♪ They say he wants my money ♪

♪ But he won't get shit ♪

Babe, this is really...

- good. - Right?

I'll tell you what: Tiffany better look out,

'cause there's a new Tiffany in town who can butcher

other people's songs even better.

That means a lot. You know how important

- malls are to me. - Yeah.

In fact, can I get your autograph?

Oh, my God. Of course!

Ah, no, seriously, though, just while I got you...

What's this now?

Um...

...it's just, you know,

normal wedding paperwork. Uh,

we got a marriage license, we got a power of attorney...

Power of attorney?

Well, I mean, wouldn't you rather

I take care of all that boring

financial junk

so you can focus on all your...

...important, you know, stuff

you do during the daytime?

- I mean, I am so busy... - Yeah, I know.

But I can't sign that. I'm sorry.

While I got you,

there is something I kind of need you to sign.

Well, what's this now?

Yeah!

Thank you, Tiffany,

and thank you, Dawn,

for hosting this rehearsal dinner.

Let me tell you something.

I am not afraid of love, Dawn.

- Mm. - I'm not.

In fact, I was gonna do

this whole fucking thing with you.

W-what? What?

What's that supposed to mean?

I was gonna propose, okay?

Bullshit.

I--I had the goddamn ring

and everything, Dawn.

- Oh, yeah? Okay, yeah? - Okay, yeah.

- I was gonna do all of it. - All right, when?

That night we went horseback riding upstate.

We never went horseback riding upstate.

Exactly.

What's that supposed to mean?

Oh, thanks to Maurice for coming up

with this last-second

wedding venue for tomorrow after we lost

our spot at the Plaza

during Tiff's and Blair's brief rumspringa.

Is this-- Is this...

You want me to sign a prenup?

Okay, calm down.

My daddy will not let me

marry you without it.

He's very protective over his money.

I mean, who cares, really?

Unless our entire...

11-year relationship was just a big ruse

for you to get your hands on Georgina Jeans.

It's insane.

To true love.

- Aww. - True love.

♪ "I Think We're Alone Now" by the Shondells playing ♪

♪ Children behave ♪

♪ That's what they say when we're together ♪

♪ And watch how you play ♪

♪ They don't understand, and so ♪

- What are you talking about?

Do you want to? I mean, if you want to go,

- we can go. - Okay.

- Yeah? - Yeah.

Don't forget to pull out, Dawn.

Don't worry, babe. He's just mad

that I got the girl.

You know what they say: "They don't always leave

with the ones they came in with."

You know what else they say.

"You'd have to be one dumb hick fuck

to be messing around with your girlfriend

when you're about to marry someone else

in order to pull off a year-long long con

with 60 mil on the line, you dumb hick fuck."

You don't hear that one quite as much.

Different circles.

Apparently.

Hey!

- Hey. - Hey.

- For you. - Thank you.

- Yum? - Ooh, no.

I'm off champagne since I drove home

from my divorce-iversary

- and hit-and-run'd a...

- ...deer... - Oh.

Friend of my father's.

Keith, he's telling a sweet story.

Sorry, asthma. My whole life.

Probably wondering, "Hey, why haven't I ever

heard about that?" Well, it's, uh--

it's a good story and a long one, so buckle up--

Nobody gives a shit, Keith.

- At all. - seconded.

Okay, champagne

for a sham marriage.

To the Georgina--

Georgina play...

Uh, well, I'd like to, uh--

to thank all of my groomsmen

- with a little something... - Mm.

Inspired by the man who brought us all together.

For you

- And for the grooms-lady. - Yes.

You said all your groomsmen. You ain't got

nothing for old Mo?

You already have one.

- Oh, my God! - Holy shit!

It's Mo's lucky watch!

- No. - This is his exact watch.

This is not my goddamn watch.

You cannot buy my watch. My watch is custom-made.

Yeah, as are these very detailed replicas,

which I call Mo-lexes.

- Mo-lex? - Yeah, just

a little something

to remind us of the greatest lesson

we've all learned from you, Mo.

Fuck 'em all.

Fuck 'em all.

Fuck 'em all!

Thank you.

Well, all right,

my little crime lords

and Traci Lords.

Let's get those shares that you parked--

Jesus, take it outside, Keith,

before we all catch bald.

- Eww. - Oh, Keith, give me

those shares that you parked.

Dust.

And here are the shares that I parked with Spencer.

Got 'em in the divorce. Only cost me our Airplane!

We had a tough time dividing up our Betamax collection.

- Oh, babe. - I know.

So including our shell companies,

we are at 45%.

Six percent more from Tiff when you guys get hitched,

and we will have a score that makes Warren Buffet

look like Warren Snack.

That would've landed

if he would pronounce his name

"buffet" like a real man.

- No, no, no, babe, it landed. - You got it?

Yeah, I got it.

So, what's everyone gonna do with their money?

I'm buying myself a new Limbo.

Come on, Mo.

I'm also gonna pick up

that red Keith Haring series

I've had my eye on for years.

Come on, Mo.

Okay, can we not get distracted by red Harings and focus?

Right now, Blair,

it's on you, baby.

All good in the...

...municipality,

except for, uh, just--

just one--just one tiny, teeny little thing.

Oh, Blair's getting cold feet. Here we go.

It's not time for cold feet.

It's time for hot feet, like Downtown Julie Brown-hot feet.

Like, Oh, my God, what I wouldn't give to take

those little piggies to market.

Feet meat.

Yeah, Wayne, feet meat. Yes!

No, no.

No, it's just Tiff's dad wants me to sign this, like,

just really silly little...

...prenup thing before we get married.

Come on, for real, Blair?

Goddamn it. Do you have

any idea what it's taken for me

to get where I am?

Any idea?

I have shed blood, sweat, and tears.

I have unearthed secrets, got winded and fired.

You're just listing bands.

It doesn't fucking matter!

What--here's what I'm saying.

You want to sit in the big chair, Blair,

you better bring a goddamn flashlight,

'cause it gets dark.

This is the Geor-jeana Play,

not the Geor-jyna Play.

You know why I'm saying Geor-jyna?

When I look down, does it help you understand

why I'm pronouncing it "jeye-na"?

Do you know what I'm saying?

That I have a vagina.

Exactly. You got some balls?

You go fucking prove it.

Show me! Go get it!

You go get it, baby!

- Hey, Dawn? - Yeah.

Goofy and Mickey called.

Fuck you.

♪ percussive music ♪

Ooh, ooh,

ladies, please, please.

I'm just one man.

The fuck is this?

I don't know. It must be my, uh,

magnetic personality.

You think we're bluffing?

I will go right now and pull your son

out of whatever class he's flunking.

And I'll pull your boyfriend

out of whatever ass he's fucking.

Deb, we talked about this.

Sorry, I thought you were setting me up.

No. You're out of chances, Keith.

Get Mo on tape today.

Okay, he's gonna figure out

I'm wearing a fucking wire.

I look like Teddy Ruxpeen down there.

Well, you better try, because we're gonna have eyes on you

all day and your stupid fucking peen.

Now, if you'll excuse us,

we gotta get back to the kitchen.

The lobster is not gonna bisque itself,

and Todd is riding my hide.

Who's Todd?

Our cater captain.

I know they say

silicone's bad for you,

but these saltwater jugs are sloshing around

like my driver's ed teacher's water bed.

- Oh, I'm jealous. - RIP.

Can you just stuff them in?

- We gotta jet. - Okay, okay, okay.

- Uh, Tiff?

Blair! Oh, my God, you can't see

my dress before the ceremony!

My eyes are closed. I just--

I need to talk to you. It's important. Ladies,

can you give us the room?

We'll meet you in the horse-drawn carriage.

- Okay. - Ooh, shotgun.

On the horse?

Jesus. Oh, sorry.

Sorry. I'm sorry.

- Hello?

Oh, god, did somebody else come in the room now?

No, I mean hello

as in "talk, monkey."

I will provide

visual context as necessary. Go.

So...

the real reason that...

Mo hired me after no one else would

is because he is the reason no one else would.

He tricked me into working for him

so he could take over your dad's company.

I didn't know about it, but--

but I do now, and...

I don't know, Tiff. I think maybe we should do it--

Ow! God.

Even with my eyes closed,

I should've seen that coming.

Are you insane?

How could you do this to me, and my dad--

he has treated you like a son.

Sure, in the way

that dads are super cold to their sons

to try to get them to stop acting like such pussies,

but still, how could you betray my family?

Tiff, they betrayed you! They're the ones

who were behind your kidnapping!

Okay, what?

Uh, y--think about it.

Georgina has been losing money

for years, and since you got snatched,

sales have quadrupled,

and...

And I found the magazines

they cut the letters out of for the ransom note.

♪ somber music ♪

I'm--I'm really sorry.

I mean, I-I...

They have been talking a lot lately

about a game-changer,

like Calvin Klein's Brooke Shields

child porn campaign.

Oh, my God.

- Tiff, I'm so sorry. - Oh, no.

- Jesus. - Okay, let's just open--

- open your eyes. - Okay.

You look really beautiful.

Thank you.

I really want to cry, but my makeup artist Karina

charges by the lash.

What the hell?

Pretty sure this wedding's fucked anyways.

I'm sorry.

At least maybe some good can come out of this now.

What?

Money.

A lot of money.

And to be honest, I--

I think this wedding has been fucked

for a long time.

There's...one more thing

I have to tell you.

What the fuck is taking them so long?

Pssh, whatever it is, it's on you.

On me? How is it on me?

- This is your plan. - My plan?

My plan did not involve you fucking him.

What happened to your "I don't date coworkers" thing?

Went right out the window, right?

Thank God I didn't

propose to you, you flip-flopper.

You're really sticking with this whole

imaginary horseback proposal, aren't you?

Never even been on a horse,

unless you count that tight end from the Colts,

or that wide receiver from the Broncos,

and then there was

that quarterback from the Raiders.

A raider is not a type of horse.

This one was.

You know what? You're right.

We never had the horseback ride.

You know why? Because we broke up.

You remember

when we were at my lake house,

and you said you wanted to go

buy that little antique ring that you saw

the day before, and I said, "Don't do it, Dawn.

You can't really afford it on your salary"?

Then we had the whole "make me a partner dance"

that was all the rage for us-- literally.

Well, the reason I made the comment

was because I went out and bought that ring

the night before when you were asleep

so that I could surprise you

on the horseback ride

that I had to cancel

'cause you stormed out.

That's the fucking truth.

Bullshit.

Marquis cut,

pavé band, more baguettes

than Gerard Depardieu's colon.

Wow.

I should've known.

Maybe I sort of did.

It all makes so much sense now.

I'm so sorry,

and if--if you wanna

call off the wedding, I--I don't blame you.

The only marriage I want to end is mine with my parents.

I tried to get emancipated from them in sixth grade

because they wouldn't let me shave my legs,

and we settled on a cartilage pierce

and another credit card.

It's time.

Blair, you are the smartest person

I've ever known,

and my private school had Orientals.

♪ somber music ♪

I want in.

You do?

I do.

Oh!

- Yeah. - Yes!

All right!

Ladies and gentlemen,

presenting for the very first time,

Mr. and Mrs. Georgina!

I know this is a sham wedding, but I can't believe

you made me take your last name.

Tiff Pfaff? Thoundth like I have

a thpeeth impediment.

Why don't we clear some space...

so Blair and Tiff...

Are you sure you want to do this?

...can have their very first dance.

I know this is a sham wedding,

but I have been dreaming about this day

since I was a little girl, so please,

just give me this.

Okay.

Thank you.

Are they dancing to the national anthem?

Oh, yeah. Tiff's a huge Republican.

Do Republicans hate America? 'Cause this is, like,

a dance version of burning the flag.

Wildly disrespectful.

Yeah.

Excuse me.

♪ "The Star-Spangled Banner" played traditionally ♪

Hey!

You better slow down

and focus on getting tape on Mo.

Guys, guys, look.

Maybe we should, I don't know,

give this whole blackmail thing a second look, right?

- Get to fucking work, Keith. - Yeah!

Fine.

Bus these.

Fuck you.

Stay in character.

He's right.

What? No, Deb--Deb!

Hey.

How'd it go? You get it done?

- Blair? - Yeah.

- No prenup.

Oh, my God.

Congrats.

I can't fucking believe this.

Jesus Christ. I just pulled off

the greatest trade in the history of Wall Street.

We.

We. You're right, you're right.

We. Ah.

Hey, you know what? Let's bury the hatchet.

Come on, toast. Toast.

I don't feel like toasting, Mo.

Blair, come on.

Look, I know it stings a little bit right now, kid.

You feel like you're losing your values

or whatever, but you know what never loses its value?

The Jasper John I'm gonna buy.

That's a toilet completely muralized

by Jasper Johns. I'm gonna stick it

in my Basqui-yacht,

which is a yacht completely muralized by Basquiat.

Shut the fuck up.

You know, the saying's not "An endless stream

of bullshit and bad puns

is the soul of wit," right?

But I am the soul... man of wit.

- Mm. - Okay, fuck it, Blair,

all right? You don't want to be my friend,

don't be my friend. Who cares?

But I want that six percent before the bell tomorrow.

Oh, oh.

About that,

I have terms.

Excuse me?

If we pull this off, The Jammer Group goes

from being the fucking Yankees to the Mets overnight.

You're gonna be offered every sweet-ass deal

on the street, and I want my piece.

We have a deal, Blair.

No, we had a deal.

You say I'm like a son to you, right?

So I think it's time you make me part of the family.

How about six percent of Georgina

for six percent of The Jammer Group?

How about six percent of kissing my ass?

You know, I went to Berger's Burgers

the other night,

and they have a sign there that says

they've only been open for two years.

So I did a little research,

and there's no record of an orphanage

in that area anywhere.

So I did a little more research

and found there's no record

of a Maurice Monroe...

anywhere before 1974.

♪ tense synth music ♪

I knew you were full of shit,

but I didn't think you were all shit.

I wonder what the SEC would say

if they knew the Exchange issued a seat

to a man who doesn't exist.

Wow. You really have crossed

all the way over to the dark side.

I learned it by watching you, Dad.

Well, part of me wants to give you a big old hug.

A bigger part of me wants to beat the dog shit out of you

in front of all your friends and fake family.

Take your best shot.

Well played.

Tell you what I will do.

I will give you one percent.

- That's it.

That's my best and final offer.

No, that's--That's cute,

but this isn't a negotiation.

Now, if you'll excuse me,

I have to go do the fucking hokey-pokey.

So what's six percent,

hmm? You gave thirty percent

to the fucking Yakuza.

Let's do a little math, Dawn,

all right? Excuse me.

Okay, now you have

15 percent.

Now, if you add the 30 percent

that the Yakuza gave the Leighmans,

and then six percent I'm supposed to give to Blair,

we add that together. What is that?

51 percent. Okay?

That would make me a minority owner

of The Jammer Group. Now I'm not gonna lose control

of my own fucking company, Dawn.

I get it, I get it.

But if, you know, you were to--

you know.

You give a couple points.

Two points, Dawn. Two fucking points!

Fuck, no! No! This is how I knew you were

bullshitting about the whole proposal thing.

- I was-- - You would never be

that thoughtful, because the only person

you ever think of is yourself.

- All right. - You're a selfish piece

- of shit, Mo. - Jesus Christ,

everybody's just coming with both barrels

at old fucking Mo today, right?

I mean, really? Give him some of my shares?

The answer is no. No, "fuck no."

Yeah, okay. Great.

- Keith, Keith, hey. - Shit.

I gotta--I gotta talk to you, okay?

- The Georgina Play...

...Is hitting a major fucking snag.

Mm-mm, uh, no, I gotta go.

I gotta go. Yeah, I gotta run.

Okay, fine, let's talk--

No, I mean, I gotta run--

I got, like, the runs. The shits. I gotta shit.

Okay, toilet. Perfect, it's more private.

No, no, no, you don't want any part of this.

- It's gonna be bad. - Just crap quiet.

Who gives a shit? You just gotta listen.

The kid's squeezing me

on the Georgina Play...

...And I gotta admit, he's got me, man.

If--if I don't give him what he wants,

he's nuts enough to go to the Feds,

tell him all the illegal shit we've done.

Oh! Oh!

Like the Audi Play.

You all right?

- Oh! Oh!

Oh, sorry, man! Can we talk later?

You know what? Maybe I should call his bluff,

you know, send the Yakuza over there

- to beat the shit out of him. - Oh, Jesus, the pain!

- The pain! - He's gotta know

he's not dealing with a businessman

right now, Keith. He's dealing

with a fucking criminal!

No, no, no, no, no!

No, God, fuck no. Jesus,

Fuck piss. Shit no.

I'm gonna give you a little privacy, all right?

Sounds good man. Sounds good.

Good plan. Good talk, all right?

Okay, girl, I don't know why-- you can--oh!

Oh, Mo.

Oh, my gosh, thank you so much for getting us

the floor. What a great venue.

Yeah, yeah.

- Congrats. - Whoa!

Whoa, whoa, hey, let's see if we can get

a bridesmaid or something to hold your hair, okay?

'Cause I got some real shit I gotta deal with right now.

Oh, I'm sorry. Do you have to go deal

with a deal with my husband?

'Cause shouldn't I be there too?

I'm in. We're doing the Me Play.

♪ dramatic music ♪

Wait a minute, what?

Hey, man, it's cool.

It's cool. I get it.

I mean, this marriage has always been bullshit

on some level anyway.

Just like theatre camp,

I'm always getting fucked by gay guys.

Wait a minute, what are you--

Duh. Blair's gay.

My hubby likes chubby. Mm.

Gotta go find the ladies' room.

- That's the men's. - Oopsies!

- What happened? - What'd you get?

I'm out.

Fuck you and the SEC.

Do your fucking worst.

AH, fuck!

My bisque!

Have a seat. We gotta talk.

Oh, Jesus.

Blair's trying to make a move against both of us.

All right, look, Mo, I know this wedding's

got your brain cross-wired and shit,

but honestly, these-- these mind games

that you're pulling--it's-- it's getting sad.

Listen, I just bumped into Tiff, all right?

Now, she's pretty plastered, but she still managed

to drop a couple bombshells, like one,

she knows about, and is in on the Georgina Play,

because two, her marriage is a fraud,

because three, Blair is gay.

Oh, come on!

Whoo! I'm back.

Keith!

Sorry I was acting weird,

but now I'm ready to talk about

illegal shit, Georgina shit...

Wanna commit a murder? Let's do it. I'm in. Let's go.

Keith, can you give us a sec?

Your boy Mo here is jealous, as usual,

and now he's trying to convince me

that Blair is a gay criminal mastermind.

Yeah, of course Blair's gay. I thought everyone knew that.

Wait, how the fuck do you know?

How the fuck does he know?

I-I-I don't know. I'm just saying,

maybe, like, Mo and I--

we have just better gay radar than you.

It's--I wish there was an easier way to say that,

like a sniglet.

What the fuck he just say?

Yeah, it is a little clunky.

Oh, got it.

Navi-gay-tion.

Holy shit!

I'm back, baby! I gotta do some coke.

Okay, Dawn?

I'm sorry. I'm not bullshitting you.

You're always bullshitting me. All right, that's it.

Wait a second.

♪ somber music ♪

Recognize this?

Is that--

Yeah.

I told you, when it comes to real shit,

I'm as real as it gets.

Now think about it. Why would he ask

for six percent on the nose?

When five percent gets it done.

It's a done deal. Six percent,

I'd lose control of the Jammer Group.

I can't do that.

He knows that. He's stalling.

'Cause he's trying to run the Georgina Play for himself.

Exactly.

Fuck!

Oh, God. W-wait.

Why is he dating me?

Maybe he thought he could get your shares

or just throw us off the scent, you know,

try to take our eyes off the prize.

I don't know.

Damn, damn, damn!

I swear, I am gonna kill that motherfucker!

Dawn, Dawn, listen.

Now, I know I've been shitty to you

- in the past... - Yeah.

...And the recent past...

Yeah.

- ...And this morning. - Yeah.

But--but it's gotta be you and me now,

okay? Together.

Partners.

Partners.

So what do we do now?

Well...

...now we give him exactly what he wants.

Well, all things considered, it was a decent wedding.

It was a great wedding.

- Oh, hey.

So in the end, this earring

tie pin thingy--

it actually was kind of lucky, huh?

Hm.

I want you to have the other one

to remember me by.

To remember you by.

How could I forget you?

You're my first,

and my wife.

I-I'm...

I'm really sorry, Tiff.

It's okay.

I'm a lot.

I am, and it's--

Look, it's--

it's okay to be confused.

I mean, not everyone can be as sure of themselves as I am.

I do love you.

I love you, too.

To the Georgina Play.

♪ percussive music ♪

To the Georgina Play.

To the Georgina Play.

Oh, I need

- to say it, too? - Well, I mean--

I thought it was implied.

To the Georgina Play.

♪ ominous synth music ♪