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♪ synth music ♪
2
00:00:02,804 --> 00:00:04,894
♪ singers harmonizing ♪
3
00:00:04,970 --> 00:00:07,260
♪ It's Showtime tonight ♪
4
00:00:07,929 --> 00:00:09,469
Previously on Black Monday ...
5
00:00:10,970 --> 00:00:12,930
I came across
some Georgina documents.
6
00:00:13,011 --> 00:00:14,891
Yeah, I think that
maybe we purchased
7
00:00:14,970 --> 00:00:16,180
some Georgina shares
back in the day.
8
00:00:16,261 --> 00:00:17,181
Oh, my God!
9
00:00:17,261 --> 00:00:19,101
Who the fuck are you?
10
00:00:19,178 --> 00:00:20,298
- We're with the SEC.
- We'll be in touch.
11
00:00:20,387 --> 00:00:22,507
We've had some threats,
uh, with Tiffany,
12
00:00:22,595 --> 00:00:25,135
e-ever since Calvin Klein's
daughter was kidnapped.
13
00:00:25,220 --> 00:00:28,720
Mo and I dated
a very long time ago.
14
00:00:28,804 --> 00:00:30,354
- Mo! Damn it.
15
00:00:30,428 --> 00:00:33,048
So this is it? You're gonna
stay here with him?
16
00:00:33,136 --> 00:00:35,846
I tried everything to make
this work because I love you.
17
00:00:35,929 --> 00:00:37,509
Do you even want
to get married?
18
00:00:37,595 --> 00:00:39,175
Those aren't cops.
They're fucking actors.
19
00:00:39,261 --> 00:00:40,761
Brendan books
a pilot every year.
20
00:00:40,845 --> 00:00:42,505
Dawn, I'm really
confused right now.
21
00:00:42,595 --> 00:00:45,505
♪ synth music ♪
22
00:00:54,387 --> 00:00:56,007
So no matter
how drunk I get tonight,
23
00:00:56,095 --> 00:00:57,755
wake me up, because remember,
24
00:00:57,845 --> 00:00:59,385
we're meeting my folks
downtown at nine a.m.
25
00:00:59,470 --> 00:01:01,180
to look at that apartment
on the Upper West Side.
26
00:01:01,261 --> 00:01:02,931
And remind me,
what's the difference
27
00:01:03,011 --> 00:01:04,601
between the Upper West
and the Upper East?
28
00:01:04,679 --> 00:01:05,889
My mom made up
a mnemonic device
29
00:01:05,970 --> 00:01:07,510
for me as a kid.
30
00:01:07,595 --> 00:01:10,505
"Upper West, West, West
is best, best, best.
31
00:01:10,595 --> 00:01:13,345
Upper East, East, East
is Jewish."
32
00:01:13,428 --> 00:01:16,048
Is Nair supposed to burn
my eyes from this distance?
33
00:01:16,136 --> 00:01:17,846
Yeah, baby.
34
00:01:17,929 --> 00:01:20,049
Tiff, you know,
I've been doing really well
35
00:01:20,136 --> 00:01:23,716
at work lately, and we could
afford a place on our own
36
00:01:23,804 --> 00:01:27,054
if we were willing just to move
a little bit more downtown.
37
00:01:27,136 --> 00:01:29,596
"Downtown is
brown, brown, brown."
38
00:01:29,679 --> 00:01:34,009
Blair, every newlywed's parents
buy them an apartment. Duh.
39
00:01:34,095 --> 00:01:35,755
The only thing
you should work on
40
00:01:35,845 --> 00:01:37,135
is letting yourself be happy.
41
00:01:37,220 --> 00:01:38,930
Everything's perfect.
42
00:01:39,011 --> 00:01:41,141
Is it? Because we still
haven't really talked
43
00:01:41,220 --> 00:01:42,680
about the engagement party.
44
00:01:42,762 --> 00:01:44,102
- What about?
- It was crappy.
45
00:01:44,178 --> 00:01:45,968
Well, you know what they say.
46
00:01:46,053 --> 00:01:48,263
"Crappy engagement,
happy marriage."
47
00:01:48,345 --> 00:01:51,175
- No one says that.
- Well, I do.
48
00:01:51,261 --> 00:01:54,801
How about the fact that I...
didn't come home that night?
49
00:01:54,887 --> 00:01:57,257
I just assumed you were
busy with work junk,
50
00:01:57,345 --> 00:01:59,545
and if I assumed correctly,
cross your arms.
51
00:01:59,637 --> 00:02:02,427
Oh, perfect.
52
00:02:02,512 --> 00:02:04,182
I just think,
53
00:02:04,261 --> 00:02:06,431
in light
of the last couple months,
54
00:02:06,512 --> 00:02:09,102
maybe we should think about...
55
00:02:09,178 --> 00:02:10,548
...postponing the wedding.
56
00:02:10,637 --> 00:02:12,257
No.
There's that P word again.
57
00:02:12,345 --> 00:02:13,965
We were in The Times
Vows section, Blair,
58
00:02:14,053 --> 00:02:15,353
not the disavows section.
59
00:02:15,428 --> 00:02:17,008
We are getting married,
60
00:02:17,095 --> 00:02:18,675
we are getting a place
on the Upper West Side,
61
00:02:18,762 --> 00:02:21,762
and I am getting sozzled at
my goddamned bachelorette party
62
00:02:21,845 --> 00:02:24,045
wearing a goddamned
penis crown.
63
00:02:24,136 --> 00:02:26,796
And if you agree
with all that, blink.
64
00:02:31,512 --> 00:02:33,802
Oh, God.
65
00:02:33,887 --> 00:02:36,597
Perfect.
I love you.
66
00:02:41,303 --> 00:02:43,013
Just a minute.
67
00:02:44,679 --> 00:02:46,639
Who is it?
68
00:02:46,720 --> 00:02:48,220
Oh, my God!
69
00:02:48,303 --> 00:02:52,143
♪ energetic synth music ♪
70
00:02:52,220 --> 00:02:53,550
All those
fair-weather
71
00:02:53,637 --> 00:02:55,467
Halley's Comet fans
from last year
72
00:02:55,553 --> 00:02:57,013
don't know what
they're missing.
73
00:02:57,095 --> 00:02:59,295
1987 is the year of the comet.
74
00:02:59,387 --> 00:03:01,177
There's gonna be
11 visible tonight.
75
00:03:01,261 --> 00:03:03,601
- Eleven!
- Ooh, is that a lot?
76
00:03:03,679 --> 00:03:06,429
Only the most since 1912.
77
00:03:06,512 --> 00:03:08,302
The only person
I've seen more excited
78
00:03:08,387 --> 00:03:10,597
about burning rocks
is Lawrence Taylor.
79
00:03:10,679 --> 00:03:12,759
- Who?
- He's a Giant.
80
00:03:12,845 --> 00:03:14,675
Crackhead.
81
00:03:14,762 --> 00:03:16,352
We all have our hobbies.
82
00:03:16,428 --> 00:03:19,758
Mine is astronomy.
Yours is lying to me.
83
00:03:19,845 --> 00:03:23,175
All right, how about tonight,
we snuggle up on the couch
84
00:03:23,261 --> 00:03:25,681
with a bottle of wine
and watch your comets?
85
00:03:25,762 --> 00:03:29,472
And then maybe you won't sleep
on the couch anymore.
86
00:03:29,553 --> 00:03:31,853
I don't know
if I'm ready for that.
87
00:03:31,929 --> 00:03:33,679
Babe, come on.
I said some things.
88
00:03:33,762 --> 00:03:35,262
You said some things.
89
00:03:35,345 --> 00:03:37,095
But don't you miss
these things?
90
00:03:37,178 --> 00:03:38,888
- Let's "comet"
91
00:03:38,970 --> 00:03:40,180
to ending this fight.
92
00:03:40,261 --> 00:03:41,391
I love you.
93
00:03:41,470 --> 00:03:44,550
Oh, me too.
94
00:03:44,637 --> 00:03:47,467
Especially when you get
all astronomical with it.
95
00:03:47,553 --> 00:03:49,973
- Ooh.
- Super hot.
96
00:03:50,053 --> 00:03:51,973
It's a date.
97
00:03:52,053 --> 00:03:53,683
Okay, I'll pick up a bottle
98
00:03:53,762 --> 00:03:55,102
on my way back
from Tiff's bachelorette.
99
00:03:55,178 --> 00:03:56,798
What? Are you serious?
100
00:03:56,887 --> 00:03:58,797
You think I want to go?
101
00:03:58,887 --> 00:04:02,047
I told you, the Georgina play
only works if they get married,
102
00:04:02,136 --> 00:04:03,506
and they're not
in a great place.
103
00:04:03,595 --> 00:04:05,965
We are not in a great place!
104
00:04:06,053 --> 00:04:08,763
I worked too hard on this.
105
00:04:08,845 --> 00:04:11,095
And it's a lot of money, baby.
106
00:04:11,178 --> 00:04:12,388
Twenty minutes.
107
00:04:12,470 --> 00:04:14,050
I'm not even gonna
stay for a drink.
108
00:04:14,136 --> 00:04:16,006
- I promise.
109
00:04:17,470 --> 00:04:19,140
- Go.
- Thank you, thank you.
110
00:04:19,220 --> 00:04:20,930
Thank you!
111
00:04:21,011 --> 00:04:23,221
♪ Hey, you came
to rock the place ♪
112
00:04:23,303 --> 00:04:25,803
♪ And you can now all
lift your hands ♪
113
00:04:25,887 --> 00:04:28,007
Wakey, wakey.
114
00:04:28,095 --> 00:04:30,385
- Oh, there he is.
115
00:04:30,470 --> 00:04:33,140
- Surprise!
- What the fuck?
116
00:04:33,220 --> 00:04:36,760
Wha--in what world
is it okay to kidnap someone?
117
00:04:36,845 --> 00:04:38,795
Oh, people kidnap
each other all the time
118
00:04:38,887 --> 00:04:40,217
for these bachelor
party joke things.
119
00:04:40,303 --> 00:04:41,723
You know, it's called
"kidding-napping"
120
00:04:41,804 --> 00:04:43,104
for a reason, Blair.
121
00:04:43,178 --> 00:04:44,848
No, it's not.
And you used chloroform.
122
00:04:44,929 --> 00:04:47,849
- Well, that's the napping part.
- Who uses chloroform?
123
00:04:47,929 --> 00:04:49,299
Uh,
Colonel John Hannibal Smith,
124
00:04:49,387 --> 00:04:51,217
Faceman, Howling Man Murdock--
125
00:04:51,303 --> 00:04:53,183
Now you're just listing
the A-Team.
126
00:04:53,261 --> 00:04:55,511
- You changed my shirt?
- Blair, they used to...
127
00:04:55,595 --> 00:04:56,925
- What the fuck is this?
- ...chloroform Mr. T
128
00:04:57,011 --> 00:04:58,681
all the time, okay?
He was always fine afterward.
129
00:04:58,762 --> 00:05:00,762
Just because something works
on TV doesn't make it okay.
130
00:05:00,845 --> 00:05:02,425
Will you just try to have fun?
131
00:05:02,512 --> 00:05:04,972
- Chad, stop the car!
- Nope. Don't stop shit.
132
00:05:05,053 --> 00:05:07,223
Come on, Blair. We got a whole
night of surprises planned.
133
00:05:07,303 --> 00:05:09,143
You're just pissed off
about your engagement party,
134
00:05:09,220 --> 00:05:10,430
- but to be honest, you--
- I'm not pissed
135
00:05:10,512 --> 00:05:12,142
about the engagement party.
136
00:05:12,220 --> 00:05:13,470
I am pissed that you
never say "I'm sorry"
137
00:05:13,553 --> 00:05:14,763
for anything ever.
138
00:05:14,845 --> 00:05:16,795
Well, I'm sorry...
139
00:05:16,887 --> 00:05:20,137
that I have a policy
about never apologizing...
140
00:05:20,220 --> 00:05:22,640
to white people.
141
00:05:22,720 --> 00:05:25,260
Why? Because Sting won all
those Grammys over "Thriller"?
142
00:05:25,345 --> 00:05:28,005
Because of slavery, Blair.
Slavery.
143
00:05:28,095 --> 00:05:30,715
Sorry.
144
00:05:30,804 --> 00:05:32,974
Man, I thought grabbing you
and going all grand gesture
145
00:05:33,053 --> 00:05:35,393
would make it up to you
in a two birds, one stone,
146
00:05:35,470 --> 00:05:38,220
three eight balls, four scores
of Scores girls kind of way.
147
00:05:38,303 --> 00:05:40,433
It doesn't even matter.
148
00:05:40,512 --> 00:05:42,302
I don't think
I can marry Tiff anymore.
149
00:05:42,387 --> 00:05:44,297
- You don't what?
150
00:05:44,387 --> 00:05:47,007
Thank you.
Good night.
151
00:05:47,095 --> 00:05:48,635
Good ni--hey,
why are we stopping?
152
00:05:48,720 --> 00:05:50,680
- What the fuck?
- Everyone out of the car!
153
00:05:50,762 --> 00:05:52,102
- Oh, God.
- Now!
154
00:05:52,178 --> 00:05:53,258
Another prank?
155
00:05:53,345 --> 00:05:54,675
Mo, I would've thought
156
00:05:54,762 --> 00:05:55,932
you would've
learned your lesson,
157
00:05:56,011 --> 00:05:57,351
but, no, you got to double down.
158
00:05:57,428 --> 00:05:58,638
This isn't
a fucking prank, kid.
159
00:05:58,720 --> 00:06:00,600
What are you,
Thug One and Thug Two?
160
00:06:00,679 --> 00:06:03,259
"Oh, the places you'll go.
The things you will do!"
161
00:06:03,345 --> 00:06:06,045
Hey, open your mouth again, and
I'll shit up your ass, bitch.
162
00:06:06,136 --> 00:06:07,846
That sounds complicated.
163
00:06:07,929 --> 00:06:09,889
- Oh, I'll make it work.
- Oh.
164
00:06:09,970 --> 00:06:12,010
Hey, let's go Last Dragon
on these motherfuckers.
165
00:06:12,095 --> 00:06:14,675
♪ dramatic music ♪
166
00:06:14,762 --> 00:06:15,972
Really?
167
00:06:16,053 --> 00:06:17,473
You son of a...
168
00:06:22,095 --> 00:06:23,755
Sweet.
What's the next surprise?
169
00:06:31,637 --> 00:06:33,257
So first it was
your anniversary.
170
00:06:33,345 --> 00:06:35,255
Then your daughter's birthday.
171
00:06:35,345 --> 00:06:37,215
- Then your son's quinceañera?
- Then your aunt died.
172
00:06:37,303 --> 00:06:38,643
- Then your uncle died.
- Then your car died.
173
00:06:38,720 --> 00:06:40,260
Then your wife dyed
her hair the wrong shade,
174
00:06:40,345 --> 00:06:41,925
so you had to rush her
to the salon?
175
00:06:42,011 --> 00:06:43,551
How is that even an excuse?
176
00:06:43,637 --> 00:06:45,887
Well, what can I say?
I'm a busy guy.
177
00:06:45,970 --> 00:06:49,510
I'm a busy, important,
law-abiding, super-cool guy,
178
00:06:49,595 --> 00:06:53,885
but I'm here now, so let's get
this ménage on the trois.
179
00:06:53,970 --> 00:06:56,390
- Keith, we don't want you.
- Oh, well.
180
00:06:56,470 --> 00:06:59,510
You don't know what you're
missing, 'cause I go downtown.
181
00:06:59,595 --> 00:07:01,795
We want Maurice Monroe
182
00:07:01,887 --> 00:07:04,217
for all the illegal shit
the Jammer Group's been up to,
183
00:07:04,303 --> 00:07:06,353
and you are gonna
give him to us.
184
00:07:06,428 --> 00:07:08,138
And why the fuck
would I do that?
185
00:07:08,220 --> 00:07:11,100
The SEC has taken down
exactly--uh, what is it?
186
00:07:11,178 --> 00:07:12,888
Oh, zero people?
187
00:07:12,970 --> 00:07:14,930
Okay, by the time
you build a case,
188
00:07:15,011 --> 00:07:17,721
Reagan--hallowed be thy name--
will make it legal.
189
00:07:17,804 --> 00:07:19,764
Well, we're about
to change all that.
190
00:07:19,845 --> 00:07:22,675
We got an open-and-shut case
of stock manipulation.
191
00:07:22,762 --> 00:07:25,352
So either you cooperate, or
you're gonna go down with Mo.
192
00:07:25,428 --> 00:07:27,798
You want to go
to prison, Keith?
193
00:07:30,512 --> 00:07:32,142
All right, what do you got?
194
00:07:32,220 --> 00:07:35,140
♪ intriguing music ♪
195
00:07:46,095 --> 00:07:49,545
This? F.A.T.?
196
00:07:49,637 --> 00:07:52,297
That's all you got?
Well, uh, I hope you like
197
00:07:52,387 --> 00:07:54,177
your nothing burger
with nothing on it,
198
00:07:54,261 --> 00:07:56,181
because this is nothing.
199
00:07:56,261 --> 00:07:57,511
Then how do you explain
200
00:07:57,595 --> 00:07:59,755
the highly abnormal
one-day trading pattern
201
00:07:59,845 --> 00:08:03,595
for Federal Allied Titanium
on October 20th of last year?
202
00:08:03,679 --> 00:08:08,049
It was a prank.
A fucking goof. This is rich.
203
00:08:08,136 --> 00:08:11,716
To think that we were afraid
of you two Columb-hos.
204
00:08:11,804 --> 00:08:13,264
Columbos, but with "ho."
205
00:08:13,345 --> 00:08:14,755
- We get it.
- Bullshit.
206
00:08:14,845 --> 00:08:17,425
Call MoStan, okay?
Call Ty Daverman.
207
00:08:17,512 --> 00:08:20,182
And he will set you
two chicks straight, okay?
208
00:08:20,261 --> 00:08:23,261
- Speaking of straight...
- Deb.
209
00:08:23,345 --> 00:08:24,925
- You're gay.
210
00:08:25,011 --> 00:08:27,301
No, I'm not.
211
00:08:27,387 --> 00:08:29,717
You're gay, and we know it.
212
00:08:29,804 --> 00:08:33,184
So why don't you have a seat,
Colum-homo?
213
00:08:33,261 --> 00:08:35,971
♪ tense music ♪
214
00:08:43,929 --> 00:08:45,509
Thought so.
215
00:08:50,470 --> 00:08:52,890
- Someone?
216
00:08:52,970 --> 00:08:55,350
- Thank you.
- Dawn? Come on in! Hi!
217
00:08:55,428 --> 00:08:57,678
Hey, uh,
sorry I'm super late.
218
00:08:57,762 --> 00:08:59,682
Or am I super early?
Why is no one here?
219
00:08:59,762 --> 00:09:02,432
Let's drank. Waiter!
Get my girl some dranks!
220
00:09:02,512 --> 00:09:04,392
- I'm so glad you came.
- Of course.
221
00:09:04,470 --> 00:09:06,350
You know I had
to come celebrate
222
00:09:06,428 --> 00:09:07,218
the world's strongest couple.
223
00:09:07,303 --> 00:09:09,103
Well, second strongest
224
00:09:09,178 --> 00:09:11,348
behind Sylvester Stallone
and Brigitte Nielsen, right?
225
00:09:11,428 --> 00:09:14,638
- Those two are yoked.
- You're hilarious.
226
00:09:14,720 --> 00:09:16,180
And you're gonna love
my girlfriends.
227
00:09:16,261 --> 00:09:17,471
They're always joking around
228
00:09:17,553 --> 00:09:18,803
and running
at least 52 minutes late.
229
00:09:18,887 --> 00:09:21,797
I mean, this is, like, so them.
230
00:09:21,887 --> 00:09:23,637
Dickcessory?
231
00:09:23,720 --> 00:09:26,140
- Oh, uh, actually, I'm good.
232
00:09:26,220 --> 00:09:28,140
You're dangerous.
No, I'm good, actually.
233
00:09:28,220 --> 00:09:29,850
No--no white dicks for me
after Labor Day.
234
00:09:29,929 --> 00:09:32,259
- Oh! Boom! Again.
- No, it's...
235
00:09:32,345 --> 00:09:34,255
Dawn Rickles.
236
00:09:34,345 --> 00:09:36,845
You should charge a two-drink
minimum for yourself.
237
00:09:36,929 --> 00:09:39,049
Get my girl two drinks!
Sit.
238
00:09:39,136 --> 00:09:41,636
More peñis coladas, ma'am?
239
00:09:41,720 --> 00:09:43,010
Call me ma'am again.
240
00:09:43,095 --> 00:09:46,005
I want you to.
241
00:09:46,095 --> 00:09:48,795
And for you...
...miss?
242
00:09:48,887 --> 00:09:50,217
Um, I'm-I'm actually good.
243
00:09:50,303 --> 00:09:51,223
I just came to say
a quick hello.
244
00:09:51,303 --> 00:09:53,053
No, don't leave.
245
00:09:53,136 --> 00:09:56,136
I mean, I just--
I want you to hang,
246
00:09:56,220 --> 00:09:57,890
'cause I really want to
get to know the woman
247
00:09:57,970 --> 00:09:59,970
that stole my Care Blair away.
248
00:10:00,053 --> 00:10:02,763
Wait, Tiff, I-I don't know what
you think is going on, but--
249
00:10:02,845 --> 00:10:04,465
I mean, just 'cause
you're his boss
250
00:10:04,553 --> 00:10:06,433
and you make him work
late and stuff.
251
00:10:06,512 --> 00:10:08,722
What did you think I meant?
252
00:10:08,804 --> 00:10:12,854
That I am his boss and always
making him stay late, working.
253
00:10:12,929 --> 00:10:14,509
Can I have a Scotch?
254
00:10:14,595 --> 00:10:17,215
Oh, this is so scary, Mo.
255
00:10:17,303 --> 00:10:19,603
The car fire's a little
on the nose, though.
256
00:10:19,679 --> 00:10:21,299
It's not a fucking prank,
okay, Blair?
257
00:10:21,387 --> 00:10:23,427
We're lost
in goddamn Little Beirut.
258
00:10:23,512 --> 00:10:25,102
And I lost a
quarter-of-a-million-dollar car.
259
00:10:25,178 --> 00:10:27,008
Oh, come on.
260
00:10:27,095 --> 00:10:28,295
Okay, it's a quarter of a
quarter-of-a-million-dollar car.
261
00:10:28,387 --> 00:10:29,677
It was mostly,
you know, Fiero
262
00:10:29,762 --> 00:10:31,262
with a little Town Car
thrown in there.
263
00:10:31,345 --> 00:10:32,635
- But still, it stings.
- No, I mean, "Come on,
264
00:10:32,720 --> 00:10:34,680
I don't believe you."
265
00:10:34,762 --> 00:10:36,932
Look, no offense, but I'm just
gonna get a cab and go home.
266
00:10:37,011 --> 00:10:38,641
I got to figure out
what I'm doing with Tiff.
267
00:10:38,720 --> 00:10:39,890
You know, this is the second
time you've said this shit.
268
00:10:39,970 --> 00:10:41,640
Figure what out?
Spill it.
269
00:10:41,720 --> 00:10:43,720
I just feel like me and Tiff,
it's just not--
270
00:10:43,804 --> 00:10:45,554
it just is not...
271
00:10:45,637 --> 00:10:48,637
Wow.
You thought of everything.
272
00:10:48,720 --> 00:10:50,800
The "cops" are here.
273
00:10:50,887 --> 00:10:53,097
No, no, I didn't set this up.
We should go this way, man.
274
00:10:53,178 --> 00:10:54,718
- Let's go this way.
- No. No, no, no.
275
00:10:54,804 --> 00:10:56,304
I'm gonna go talk to the fuzz.
276
00:10:56,387 --> 00:10:57,467
- No, don't go talk to the...
- Yeah.
277
00:10:57,553 --> 00:10:59,053
...fucking fuzz! Hey!
278
00:10:59,136 --> 00:11:00,096
- Officers!
- Blair!
279
00:11:00,178 --> 00:11:01,798
Officers!
280
00:11:01,887 --> 00:11:04,007
Hi. I was just wondering
281
00:11:04,095 --> 00:11:06,255
if either of you
T.J. Hooker extras had a chance
282
00:11:06,345 --> 00:11:08,675
to try the canapés
at my engagement party
283
00:11:08,762 --> 00:11:10,012
before you fucking
trashed the place.
284
00:11:10,095 --> 00:11:11,595
What? Who the fuck are you?
285
00:11:11,679 --> 00:11:13,049
Mo!
286
00:11:13,136 --> 00:11:14,346
Next time you call
Central Casting,
287
00:11:14,428 --> 00:11:16,218
you got to be specific.
288
00:11:16,303 --> 00:11:17,933
Don't just say "big."
You should've said "tough."
289
00:11:18,011 --> 00:11:19,601
They sent the fucking Fat Boys.
290
00:11:19,679 --> 00:11:21,179
Please, do not shoot
my dumb-ass friend.
291
00:11:21,261 --> 00:11:22,931
- Shut the fuck up!
292
00:11:23,011 --> 00:11:24,641
Come on, you got to try
to sell that punch better.
293
00:11:24,720 --> 00:11:26,050
Who'd you boost this watch off,
huh, bro?
294
00:11:26,136 --> 00:11:27,546
Listen, we're not gonna
say anything, okay?
295
00:11:27,637 --> 00:11:29,097
We didn't see anything!
Just let us go!
296
00:11:29,178 --> 00:11:31,258
Okay, look...
297
00:11:31,345 --> 00:11:33,005
- I'm tired.
- Blair.
298
00:11:33,095 --> 00:11:35,095
I want to go home.
What are we supposed to say?
299
00:11:35,178 --> 00:11:37,548
"Time out" or
"olly, olly, oxen free"?
300
00:11:37,637 --> 00:11:39,177
- Fucking actors.
301
00:11:39,261 --> 00:11:41,391
- Oh!
- Shit, that felt real.
302
00:11:41,470 --> 00:11:43,800
Whoa. It is real, you dumb fuck.
Point it at the dirty cops.
303
00:11:43,887 --> 00:11:45,547
- Okay.
- Get-get on the ground.
304
00:11:45,637 --> 00:11:47,847
I'm just backing away.
I'm sorry.
305
00:11:47,929 --> 00:11:49,759
Sorry about this.
Thank you for your service!
306
00:11:49,845 --> 00:11:52,135
Get back here!
I'll fucking kill you!
307
00:11:54,428 --> 00:11:55,848
- Get the fuck back here!
- Get back here!
308
00:11:55,929 --> 00:11:58,139
- Oh, shit.
309
00:12:11,053 --> 00:12:13,263
- Give us a case,
310
00:12:13,345 --> 00:12:15,005
or we'll tell everyone
you're more flaming
311
00:12:15,095 --> 00:12:17,045
than Fire Island,
which works on two levels.
312
00:12:17,136 --> 00:12:19,216
- Come on, Deb.
- We'll tell your wife.
313
00:12:19,303 --> 00:12:20,763
We'll tell Mo.
314
00:12:20,845 --> 00:12:23,425
We'll tell your son.
315
00:12:23,512 --> 00:12:25,182
♪ dramatic music ♪
316
00:12:27,095 --> 00:12:28,595
Okay.
317
00:12:28,679 --> 00:12:30,799
Nice.
Told you he'd be in.
318
00:12:30,887 --> 00:12:33,967
No, no, I meant
"Okay, go for it."
319
00:12:34,053 --> 00:12:37,143
Tell the world
that I long for schlong.
320
00:12:37,220 --> 00:12:39,430
Agent Fox isn't fucking joking.
321
00:12:39,512 --> 00:12:42,762
I mean, there was a joke
in the way that she said it.
322
00:12:42,845 --> 00:12:44,885
I'm not joking either, okay?
323
00:12:44,970 --> 00:12:46,760
You know,
God's a funny fuck, isn't He?
324
00:12:46,845 --> 00:12:48,795
Maybe this is the final push
I've needed, you know?
325
00:12:48,887 --> 00:12:50,507
I've been wanting to tell
my family forever,
326
00:12:50,595 --> 00:12:53,425
and Mo only cares that
I'm gay for money, so...
327
00:12:53,512 --> 00:12:55,102
do it.
328
00:12:55,178 --> 00:12:57,468
Now, if there aren't
any further questions,
329
00:12:57,553 --> 00:13:00,013
your ho-nors--that's
"your honors" but with "ho"--
330
00:13:00,095 --> 00:13:02,505
- Not your best work.
- No, we, uh...
331
00:13:02,595 --> 00:13:03,885
we got another ace
up our sleeves, so...
332
00:13:03,970 --> 00:13:06,050
- Mm-hmm.
- We will be back.
333
00:13:06,136 --> 00:13:08,466
Time to break
out the big guns.
334
00:13:11,095 --> 00:13:12,675
I'm telling you,
335
00:13:12,762 --> 00:13:14,682
every girl is caught between
a Jake and a Ted.
336
00:13:14,762 --> 00:13:16,722
- Who?
- From Sixteen Candles.
337
00:13:16,804 --> 00:13:17,894
- I haven't seen it.
- What?
338
00:13:17,970 --> 00:13:19,430
- No.
- No! You haven't seen it?
339
00:13:19,512 --> 00:13:20,852
- Uh-uh.
- Okay.
340
00:13:20,929 --> 00:13:22,719
So Jake Ryan is
this super-hot badass.
341
00:13:22,804 --> 00:13:24,354
- Mm-hmm.
- And Ted is this dweeb.
342
00:13:24,428 --> 00:13:26,508
- Oof.
- And I'm marrying a total Ted,
343
00:13:26,595 --> 00:13:29,545
which is crazy because all
I'd ever been with are Jakes.
344
00:13:29,637 --> 00:13:31,047
- Oh...
- I lost my virginity
345
00:13:31,136 --> 00:13:32,756
- to a real bad boy.
- Who?
346
00:13:32,845 --> 00:13:35,345
- Bill Laimbeer.
- Ah! The Piston?
347
00:13:35,428 --> 00:13:36,798
- More like the noodle.
348
00:13:36,887 --> 00:13:38,677
We went to theater camp
together.
349
00:13:38,762 --> 00:13:41,262
I hope he was
a better actor back then.
350
00:13:43,470 --> 00:13:45,140
- It's a basketball joke.
- Mm.
351
00:13:45,220 --> 00:13:46,470
'Cause...
352
00:13:46,553 --> 00:13:48,303
Anyway, I hear you,
honestly.
353
00:13:48,387 --> 00:13:50,467
You know, I was all Jakes,
354
00:13:50,553 --> 00:13:52,553
and then I married
a real fucking Ted.
355
00:13:52,637 --> 00:13:54,047
I told you, I told you.
356
00:13:54,136 --> 00:13:56,636
- Oh, God, Dawn.
- Hmm?
357
00:13:56,720 --> 00:13:58,640
Am I making a huge mistake?
358
00:13:58,720 --> 00:14:00,300
- No, no!
- Tell me.
359
00:14:00,387 --> 00:14:02,347
No, I promise you.
360
00:14:02,428 --> 00:14:04,298
Blair--Blair's great.
361
00:14:04,387 --> 00:14:06,927
Like, really great.
Tiff, you are a lucky girl.
362
00:14:07,011 --> 00:14:08,851
And you and I, we both know,
you know,
363
00:14:08,929 --> 00:14:10,299
bad boys are just bad.
364
00:14:10,387 --> 00:14:11,597
Yeah.
Except Jake Ryan.
365
00:14:11,679 --> 00:14:12,929
He had a heart of gold.
366
00:14:13,011 --> 00:14:14,471
- Mm.
- When he found out
367
00:14:14,553 --> 00:14:16,513
all Ted wanted was
to lose his virginity,
368
00:14:16,595 --> 00:14:20,425
Jake let him have sex
with his passed-out girlfriend.
369
00:14:20,512 --> 00:14:22,852
- What the fuck?
- I know. Wow.
370
00:14:22,929 --> 00:14:24,969
And that was
in movie theaters?
371
00:14:25,053 --> 00:14:26,263
- Yeah.
- And white people were just
372
00:14:26,345 --> 00:14:28,465
like, "Cool"?
373
00:14:28,553 --> 00:14:30,513
Oh, my God.
374
00:14:30,595 --> 00:14:32,595
I guess that is
super fucked up.
375
00:14:32,679 --> 00:14:35,509
- Yeah, yeah.
376
00:14:38,637 --> 00:14:40,387
- Wait, wait, wait, wait.
377
00:14:40,470 --> 00:14:42,350
What's happening?
What's happening?
378
00:14:42,428 --> 00:14:45,888
I'm pretty sure Blair tried to
call off the wedding tonight.
379
00:14:47,637 --> 00:14:49,217
And it's gonna
be super embarrassing,
380
00:14:49,303 --> 00:14:51,933
but I think I'm gonna--
just gonna take him up on it.
381
00:14:52,011 --> 00:14:55,891
- No. Why?
- 'Cause we're cursed.
382
00:14:55,970 --> 00:14:58,970
- We're cursed.
- I-I...no, no.
383
00:14:59,053 --> 00:15:00,513
Just drink your penis.
It's gonna be okay.
384
00:15:00,595 --> 00:15:02,345
I promise.
385
00:15:02,428 --> 00:15:04,388
- What a fucking night, right?
386
00:15:04,470 --> 00:15:05,890
- Oh!
- Oh, you handled that gun
387
00:15:05,970 --> 00:15:07,430
- like a champ.
- Shit!
388
00:15:07,512 --> 00:15:08,972
Sorry, I thought
it was fake, Mo.
389
00:15:09,053 --> 00:15:10,473
And I am sorry
for kidnapping you,
390
00:15:10,553 --> 00:15:11,973
but that was fresh.
391
00:15:12,053 --> 00:15:13,893
- Yes!
392
00:15:13,970 --> 00:15:16,010
Ooh! What a team, right?
393
00:15:16,095 --> 00:15:17,885
Brains and beauty,
witty and pretty,
394
00:15:17,970 --> 00:15:19,600
and, hey, you bring some shit
to the table, too, kid.
395
00:15:19,679 --> 00:15:23,009
Oh, my God,
we're alive in a stolen cop car.
396
00:15:23,095 --> 00:15:25,045
- Yeah.
- We cheated death.
397
00:15:25,136 --> 00:15:27,886
- We fucking did.
- What do we do now?
398
00:15:27,970 --> 00:15:30,050
- Let's drink till we die!
- Yes!
399
00:15:30,136 --> 00:15:31,546
Hey, there's a spot
right over here.
400
00:15:31,637 --> 00:15:33,467
- All right.
- Okay.
401
00:15:35,679 --> 00:15:37,349
Who breaks up
before their wedding
402
00:15:37,428 --> 00:15:39,468
and still ends up
happy together?
403
00:15:39,553 --> 00:15:41,853
Lots of people. Uh...
404
00:15:41,929 --> 00:15:44,099
yeah, O.J. Simpson and that
blonde girl he just married.
405
00:15:44,178 --> 00:15:45,758
- Yeah.
- Robert Wagner
406
00:15:45,845 --> 00:15:47,215
and Natalie Wood--
I mean, they married each other
407
00:15:47,303 --> 00:15:49,553
twice and were
so happy until...
408
00:15:49,637 --> 00:15:51,757
they drifted apart...
literally.
409
00:15:51,845 --> 00:15:54,755
And the engagement party
was such a disaster.
410
00:15:54,845 --> 00:15:56,465
Not to mention
he was out all night
411
00:15:56,553 --> 00:15:58,013
with some prostitute
probably.
412
00:15:58,095 --> 00:16:00,385
No, no, probably...not.
413
00:16:00,470 --> 00:16:02,050
I tried to talk to my minister,
414
00:16:02,136 --> 00:16:04,006
but I'm only
an Operating Thetan IV,
415
00:16:04,095 --> 00:16:05,965
and he won't discuss it
until I go up the Bridge,
416
00:16:06,053 --> 00:16:08,643
but that's, like,
another 100 grand.
417
00:16:08,720 --> 00:16:12,390
Trust me, Tiff.
You are not cursed.
418
00:16:12,470 --> 00:16:13,970
Yeah? Really?
419
00:16:14,053 --> 00:16:15,933
Then how come
no one showed up
420
00:16:16,011 --> 00:16:17,391
to my bachelorette party,
Dawn?
421
00:16:17,470 --> 00:16:19,800
Maybe they got caught
in the park and killed.
422
00:16:19,887 --> 00:16:21,717
You're sweet.
423
00:16:21,804 --> 00:16:23,474
But I think this is
the final sign.
424
00:16:23,553 --> 00:16:25,393
- Check, please.
- Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
425
00:16:25,470 --> 00:16:27,680
Maybe it's a good thing your
fake-ass friends didn't show.
426
00:16:27,762 --> 00:16:30,102
- Why?
- Well, you've outgrown them.
427
00:16:30,178 --> 00:16:34,048
Okay? You have new,
sophisticated friends like me.
428
00:16:34,136 --> 00:16:36,796
Right?
Now, who needs those skanks?
429
00:16:36,887 --> 00:16:38,467
All we need are drinks.
430
00:16:38,553 --> 00:16:41,053
Haven't you ever fallen
out of love, Dawn?
431
00:16:41,136 --> 00:16:44,176
You know, you keep holding on,
432
00:16:44,261 --> 00:16:46,891
hoping to get
that feeling back, but...
433
00:16:46,970 --> 00:16:49,800
the tighter you grip it,
the further away it gets.
434
00:16:49,887 --> 00:16:51,717
And then one day you wake up,
435
00:16:51,804 --> 00:16:53,894
and you're two totally
different people
436
00:16:53,970 --> 00:16:57,260
and you wonder how you even got
together in the first place.
437
00:16:57,345 --> 00:16:59,635
♪ somber music ♪
438
00:16:59,720 --> 00:17:01,510
Haven't you ever
felt that, Dawn?
439
00:17:03,553 --> 00:17:06,473
No.
440
00:17:08,553 --> 00:17:11,853
I've never felt that.
441
00:17:11,929 --> 00:17:14,179
- We're like Miami Vice.
- Exactly.
442
00:17:14,261 --> 00:17:16,141
- Tiff? Dawn?
- Blair?
443
00:17:16,220 --> 00:17:17,890
Are you crying?
444
00:17:17,970 --> 00:17:19,350
Are you okay?
445
00:17:19,428 --> 00:17:22,348
I don't think so.
What are you doing here?
446
00:17:22,428 --> 00:17:24,548
Jesus Christ, this night
can't get any crazier.
447
00:17:24,637 --> 00:17:26,547
We almost got killed, okay?
Twice.
448
00:17:26,637 --> 00:17:27,847
And then we come in here
randomly to get a drink,
449
00:17:27,929 --> 00:17:29,889
and then you two are here.
450
00:17:29,970 --> 00:17:32,100
If this isn't a sign that
these two kids are soul mates,
451
00:17:32,178 --> 00:17:34,468
I don't know what is,
right, Dawn?
452
00:17:34,553 --> 00:17:36,723
- Right, Dawn?
- Uh, yeah. Sure.
453
00:17:36,804 --> 00:17:39,394
Ye--"yeah, sure"?
More like "hell, yeah, sure."
454
00:17:39,470 --> 00:17:40,890
Hey, waiter, listen,
455
00:17:40,970 --> 00:17:42,470
a bottle of
your finest champagne
456
00:17:42,553 --> 00:17:43,973
will not cut it.
457
00:17:44,053 --> 00:17:46,053
We need four
of those motherfuckers
458
00:17:46,136 --> 00:17:48,176
and then tequila shots, 'cause
we're getting crazy tonight.
459
00:17:48,261 --> 00:17:50,511
Oh, man, can you believe
this coincidence?
460
00:17:50,595 --> 00:17:52,135
No.
461
00:17:52,220 --> 00:17:55,260
Ok--huh? No?
Ah, wha...
462
00:17:55,345 --> 00:17:58,505
Ugh, smug Chia Pet
motherfucker.
463
00:17:58,595 --> 00:18:01,635
There's got to be
something we missed.
464
00:18:01,720 --> 00:18:04,350
The only other thing
we found was this.
465
00:18:04,428 --> 00:18:06,178
They've been buying up
Georgina Jeans like crazy.
466
00:18:06,261 --> 00:18:08,181
What? When I went through
their quarterlies,
467
00:18:08,261 --> 00:18:09,801
they weren't holding
any major positions.
468
00:18:09,887 --> 00:18:11,717
They were up to 40%.
469
00:18:11,804 --> 00:18:14,224
They must've gotten spooked
and sold it off or something.
470
00:18:14,303 --> 00:18:16,473
Or they hid it
to throw off the Street...
471
00:18:16,553 --> 00:18:19,853
and us.
472
00:18:19,929 --> 00:18:21,759
Captain's log.
473
00:18:21,845 --> 00:18:24,215
Captain Keith T. Shanker
reporting for duty.
474
00:18:24,303 --> 00:18:26,553
This planet is full
of assholes, a--
475
00:18:26,637 --> 00:18:28,217
- Feet off the table.
- Fucking touch me again,
476
00:18:28,303 --> 00:18:30,603
- and I'll sue.
- So we know you don't care
477
00:18:30,679 --> 00:18:32,759
if we tell your son
about your boyfriend,
478
00:18:32,845 --> 00:18:34,385
but how would you feel
if we told your son
479
00:18:34,470 --> 00:18:35,760
and your boyfriend
that they're going to jail
480
00:18:35,845 --> 00:18:37,845
for illegal share parking?
481
00:18:37,929 --> 00:18:39,639
You know, I think your son's
gonna have a really hard time
482
00:18:39,720 --> 00:18:42,220
getting into Brandeis with that
on his permanent record.
483
00:18:42,303 --> 00:18:43,513
Believe me, Brad's
gonna have a hard time
484
00:18:43,595 --> 00:18:45,095
getting into any college.
485
00:18:45,178 --> 00:18:46,928
Well, I bet
your boyfriend's gonna have
486
00:18:47,011 --> 00:18:49,261
a real hard time in prison--
actually, he might like it.
487
00:18:49,345 --> 00:18:52,255
Can we cool it
with the gay panic stuff, Deb?
488
00:18:52,345 --> 00:18:54,215
- My cousin's a fairy.
- Bullshit.
489
00:18:54,303 --> 00:18:56,513
I don't have any idea
what you're talking about.
490
00:18:56,595 --> 00:19:01,045
Liar, liar,
jeans on fire.
491
00:19:01,136 --> 00:19:03,386
Nice. See? That was
a good, clean one.
492
00:19:03,470 --> 00:19:05,430
Thanks.
How do you feel now, Keith?
493
00:19:05,512 --> 00:19:07,802
♪ tense music ♪
494
00:19:07,887 --> 00:19:09,847
Fuck me.
495
00:19:13,345 --> 00:19:17,545
Okay.
What do you need me to do?
496
00:19:17,637 --> 00:19:19,967
Be honest, Mo. You
didn't know they were here?
497
00:19:20,053 --> 00:19:21,603
And, Dawn,
you didn't tip them off
498
00:19:21,679 --> 00:19:23,639
- that I was getting cold feet?
- Wait a second.
499
00:19:23,720 --> 00:19:24,800
- Why do you have cold feet?
- You're getting cold feet?
500
00:19:24,887 --> 00:19:26,927
- Because you are!
- I'm-I'm just confused.
501
00:19:27,011 --> 00:19:28,511
Don't you love me anymore?
502
00:19:28,595 --> 00:19:30,965
Yes, he loves you anymore.
This is insane, guys.
503
00:19:31,053 --> 00:19:32,473
Cold feet is normal.
It's very normal.
504
00:19:32,553 --> 00:19:34,223
- Right, Dawn?
- Cold feet are normal.
505
00:19:34,303 --> 00:19:35,893
- See that?
- But you got to listen
506
00:19:35,970 --> 00:19:36,890
- to your heart.
- I know.
507
00:19:36,970 --> 00:19:39,430
- What the fuck?
- Mo, shut up!
508
00:19:39,512 --> 00:19:41,352
Listen, find the person
you want to be with
509
00:19:41,428 --> 00:19:43,428
based on who they are,
not who they aren't.
510
00:19:43,512 --> 00:19:45,932
Trust me, if you pick a Ted
just because a bunch of Jakes
511
00:19:46,011 --> 00:19:49,101
broke your heart,
you're gonna be lonely.
512
00:19:49,178 --> 00:19:51,048
W-wait, wait, wait.
W-who's Ted and Jake?
513
00:19:51,136 --> 00:19:52,256
- Sixteen Candles.
- Sixteen Candles.
514
00:19:52,345 --> 00:19:54,005
That movie's fucked.
Long Duk Dong?
515
00:19:54,095 --> 00:19:55,595
Talk about a goddamn
minstrel show right there.
516
00:19:55,679 --> 00:19:58,009
All right, the point is,
if you marry the wrong person,
517
00:19:58,095 --> 00:20:00,095
you will regret it
every day.
518
00:20:00,178 --> 00:20:02,178
Well, just 'cause Dawn
should've married her bad boy--
519
00:20:02,261 --> 00:20:03,891
- This isn't about you.
- Oh.
520
00:20:03,970 --> 00:20:07,350
This isn't about Spencer.
This is about me.
521
00:20:07,428 --> 00:20:09,428
This me. Tiffa-me.
522
00:20:09,512 --> 00:20:11,262
Well, you used "me"
as a metaphor.
523
00:20:11,345 --> 00:20:12,845
- No, I didn't.
- Uh, I'm pretty sure
524
00:20:12,929 --> 00:20:15,179
- that you did.
- How am I a Ted? I am a Jake.
525
00:20:15,261 --> 00:20:16,471
I've always reminded myself
of a Jake.
526
00:20:16,553 --> 00:20:18,053
You're Ted tip to tush.
T-E-D, Ted.
527
00:20:18,136 --> 00:20:19,756
You're a little Teddy bear.
528
00:20:19,845 --> 00:20:21,425
Tiff and Blair are perfect
for each other.
529
00:20:21,512 --> 00:20:23,102
You don't know that,
and I don't know that.
530
00:20:23,178 --> 00:20:24,718
Only they know that.
531
00:20:24,804 --> 00:20:26,434
Guys, it's really
fucking simple.
532
00:20:26,512 --> 00:20:28,722
- Are you in love?
- Yes.
533
00:20:28,804 --> 00:20:30,724
Are you in love? Hmm?
534
00:20:33,553 --> 00:20:36,103
- I--
- Hey, slut!
535
00:20:36,178 --> 00:20:37,678
You came!
536
00:20:37,762 --> 00:20:39,552
Sluts.
537
00:20:39,637 --> 00:20:41,677
Sorry we're late.
We were pre-gaming at Bunny's
538
00:20:41,762 --> 00:20:43,472
with a new Bartles & Jaymes
flavor.
539
00:20:43,553 --> 00:20:45,553
And long story short,
we ralphed.
540
00:20:45,637 --> 00:20:46,637
It was a prototype!
541
00:20:46,720 --> 00:20:48,300
And if we're being honest,
542
00:20:48,387 --> 00:20:50,137
after your whole engagement
party fiasco,
543
00:20:50,220 --> 00:20:53,430
we just thought you might call
the whole wedding off.
544
00:20:58,970 --> 00:21:01,640
Call off the wedding?
Call off the wedding?
545
00:21:01,720 --> 00:21:03,350
Call off--off the wedding?
546
00:21:03,428 --> 00:21:04,718
Call off the wedding?
547
00:21:04,804 --> 00:21:07,264
Okay, as if, slut!
548
00:21:07,345 --> 00:21:08,675
- That's so ghetto.
- Oh, okay.
549
00:21:08,762 --> 00:21:10,762
Blair and I are stronger
than ever, right, Blair?
550
00:21:10,845 --> 00:21:12,385
- Ooh!
- Thank God!
551
00:21:12,470 --> 00:21:14,350
'Cause for a second there,
I was like, "Ew."
552
00:21:14,428 --> 00:21:17,178
- Ew!
- Now let's go to Danceteria!
553
00:21:17,261 --> 00:21:18,851
This place is so last weekend.
554
00:21:18,929 --> 00:21:19,969
They're letting anyone in.
555
00:21:20,053 --> 00:21:21,513
No offense.
556
00:21:21,595 --> 00:21:23,095
Are you trying
to get Jap slapped?
557
00:21:23,178 --> 00:21:24,298
I will fucking knock
this Barbie bitch's head
558
00:21:24,387 --> 00:21:25,927
off the fucking neck.
559
00:21:26,011 --> 00:21:27,511
Dawn, thank you so much
for the talk.
560
00:21:27,595 --> 00:21:29,345
- Bye.
- You made me realize that Blair
561
00:21:29,428 --> 00:21:31,048
and I are perfect
for each other.
562
00:21:31,136 --> 00:21:32,216
Bye, Care Blair.
563
00:21:32,303 --> 00:21:34,393
Bye, guys.
564
00:21:34,470 --> 00:21:35,970
- Oh.
- Wait for me, girls!
565
00:21:36,053 --> 00:21:37,893
Have fun, ladies!
566
00:21:40,136 --> 00:21:41,256
What was that bullshit?
567
00:21:41,345 --> 00:21:43,545
It wasn't bullshit.
568
00:21:46,428 --> 00:21:48,798
I got to go.
569
00:21:52,220 --> 00:21:53,760
- Okay, well, good night.
570
00:21:53,845 --> 00:21:56,095
Fuck you, Mo.
571
00:21:56,178 --> 00:21:58,258
Eh, pbbt!
Chicks, right?
572
00:21:58,345 --> 00:22:00,255
- You know what we need to do?
- I can't marry Tiff.
573
00:22:00,345 --> 00:22:03,045
What do you--what do you mean
you can't marry Tiff?
574
00:22:03,136 --> 00:22:04,546
Of course you're gonna
marry Tiff.
575
00:22:04,637 --> 00:22:06,047
- You're not the boss of me.
- Technically...
576
00:22:06,136 --> 00:22:08,046
At work, yes,
but Tiff is not work.
577
00:22:08,136 --> 00:22:09,846
I mean, yes, she can be
very trying at times,
578
00:22:09,929 --> 00:22:12,049
but-but why are you so invested
in my relationship?
579
00:22:12,136 --> 00:22:14,716
Because I am literally invested.
580
00:22:14,804 --> 00:22:16,054
What?
581
00:22:17,887 --> 00:22:19,597
Okay, I'm gonna confess
something to you.
582
00:22:19,679 --> 00:22:21,299
I know.
583
00:22:21,387 --> 00:22:22,637
You fucked with the toothbrush
in my desk.
584
00:22:22,720 --> 00:22:24,720
But that is just a decoy,
585
00:22:24,804 --> 00:22:26,724
as is the toothbrush
in the supply closet.
586
00:22:26,804 --> 00:22:29,184
- My real toothbrush--
- Is in a Ziploc bag
587
00:22:29,261 --> 00:22:31,511
in the bathroom in the ceiling
tile, second stall.
588
00:22:31,595 --> 00:22:33,095
- Oh, dear God.
- That's not the thing.
589
00:22:33,178 --> 00:22:35,388
Listen, Blair, I--
590
00:22:36,929 --> 00:22:38,799
♪ tense music ♪
591
00:22:38,887 --> 00:22:41,257
Okay, when I said
we were friends,
592
00:22:41,345 --> 00:22:44,295
that was real--
I meant that.
593
00:22:44,387 --> 00:22:47,797
But the truth is,
I've been playing you, kid...
594
00:22:47,887 --> 00:22:49,547
from the beginning.
595
00:22:49,637 --> 00:22:52,637
The coke, the arrest, it was--
it was a con.
596
00:22:52,720 --> 00:22:54,600
I was trying to make sure
that you worked for me
597
00:22:54,679 --> 00:22:57,349
so that I could, you know, work
on getting those sweet, sweet
598
00:22:57,428 --> 00:22:59,178
ungettable Georgina
family shares,
599
00:22:59,261 --> 00:23:00,931
but that was before
we were boys.
600
00:23:01,011 --> 00:23:03,141
Now just listen.
Before you say anything,
601
00:23:03,220 --> 00:23:04,260
I want you to think, 'cause
if there's one thing I know
602
00:23:04,345 --> 00:23:06,095
about you,
it's that you're smart.
603
00:23:06,178 --> 00:23:09,508
Now, you just said that
you cannot marry Tiff, right?
604
00:23:09,595 --> 00:23:12,345
So you're gonna break
her heart anyway.
605
00:23:12,428 --> 00:23:15,548
I mean, why not give her
the wedding of her dreams first?
606
00:23:15,637 --> 00:23:18,677
Let's run the Georgina play--
me and you,
607
00:23:18,762 --> 00:23:20,262
together, as a team.
608
00:23:20,345 --> 00:23:21,795
It makes sense.
609
00:23:21,887 --> 00:23:23,637
I mean,
it makes more than cents.
610
00:23:23,720 --> 00:23:25,680
It makes dollars. It makes tens
of millions of dollars.
611
00:23:25,762 --> 00:23:27,642
For us.
For two guys who were never
612
00:23:27,720 --> 00:23:30,100
handed a fucking thing
their whole goddamn lives.
613
00:23:33,470 --> 00:23:34,970
Let's do it.
614
00:23:35,053 --> 00:23:36,933
What do you say?
615
00:23:43,136 --> 00:23:45,346
Fuck you.
616
00:23:45,428 --> 00:23:46,848
I'm gonna tell Tiff everything.
617
00:23:46,929 --> 00:23:49,009
And, Maurice...
618
00:23:49,095 --> 00:23:50,965
I quit.
619
00:24:04,929 --> 00:24:06,799
Oh, hey. What's up, man?
Good to see you.
620
00:24:08,887 --> 00:24:11,967
Oh, well, well, well.
Welcome, welcome.
621
00:24:12,053 --> 00:24:13,803
Mm.
Sorry I'm late.
622
00:24:13,887 --> 00:24:17,347
- I, uh, I got caught up.
- Hey, hey, no problemo, Kiki!
623
00:24:17,428 --> 00:24:19,548
- Hey, um...
624
00:24:19,637 --> 00:24:21,927
- I, um...
625
00:24:22,011 --> 00:24:24,181
Can I--
can I give you something?
626
00:24:24,261 --> 00:24:26,511
- Uh, yes?
- Okay. I'll--just hold on here.
627
00:24:26,595 --> 00:24:28,045
Okay.
628
00:24:28,136 --> 00:24:29,966
This, um,
is very special to me.
629
00:24:30,053 --> 00:24:31,053
I want you...
630
00:24:31,136 --> 00:24:33,096
- Mm!
- To have it.
631
00:24:33,178 --> 00:24:34,888
- Oh, here, just--okay.
- What is happening?
632
00:24:34,970 --> 00:24:36,350
All right, yeah.
633
00:24:36,428 --> 00:24:40,258
Yeah! Here, take a look.
Take a look.
634
00:24:40,345 --> 00:24:42,885
- Oh!
- You like it?
635
00:24:42,970 --> 00:24:44,850
Yeah, I love it.
636
00:24:44,929 --> 00:24:48,139
I want you to know that
no matter what goes down...
637
00:24:50,011 --> 00:24:53,801
- ...I will always love you.
638
00:24:53,887 --> 00:24:55,297
And you say
I'm the dramatic one.
639
00:24:55,387 --> 00:24:56,177
- Well...
- This is like a scene
640
00:24:56,261 --> 00:24:58,351
from "Steel Fagnolias."
641
00:24:58,428 --> 00:24:59,598
I would've said
"Terms of Enqueerment."
642
00:24:59,679 --> 00:25:01,099
- How dare you?
- Oh, come on.
643
00:25:01,178 --> 00:25:02,428
Oh, here, drink your juice,
Shelby.
644
00:25:02,512 --> 00:25:03,802
Oh, okay, yeah.
"Help my daughter."
645
00:25:03,887 --> 00:25:05,467
- Okay.
- Oh!
646
00:25:05,553 --> 00:25:06,893
Bingo.
647
00:25:18,637 --> 00:25:21,177
Listen, Spence.
648
00:25:21,261 --> 00:25:24,011
- I'm sorry.
- No, baby, I'm sorry.
649
00:25:24,095 --> 00:25:26,425
You know, I've been sitting
here, annoyed
650
00:25:26,512 --> 00:25:28,512
that we missed a night together.
651
00:25:28,595 --> 00:25:30,845
But work's a big part
of who you are,
652
00:25:30,929 --> 00:25:32,679
and I love who you are.
653
00:25:32,762 --> 00:25:36,892
And I'll take
however much of you I can get.
654
00:25:36,970 --> 00:25:40,180
Hey, at least you made it back
in time for the comet.
655
00:25:40,261 --> 00:25:42,851
I want a divorce.
656
00:25:42,929 --> 00:25:45,849
♪ dramatic music ♪
657
00:25:47,845 --> 00:25:50,045
What?
658
00:26:10,053 --> 00:26:11,973
- Tiff?
659
00:26:12,053 --> 00:26:14,263
- Oh, my God! Aah!
- Tiff!
660
00:26:14,345 --> 00:26:17,005
Help me! Help me!
Get your hands off me!
661
00:26:17,095 --> 00:26:18,545
Oh! Ah!
662
00:26:18,637 --> 00:26:20,887
Blair, call my dad!
663
00:26:20,970 --> 00:26:22,430
Tiff!
664
00:26:27,553 --> 00:26:30,433
♪ dramatic percussive music ♪
46140
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