Original subtitles

Mom?

- Hmm? - A guy had to cut off his penis

because he got his dick stuck in a jar.

Don't tell me that.

He was 50 years old.

Why?

Mom.

Come on.

Well... did he die?

I don't know.

- Ugh. - Mom?

Remember I told you Paisley's dating this,

like, 70-year-old guy?

- Yeah? - Well,

he won't have sex with her until she's...

Oh, thank God!

Mom, you didn't let me finish.

Oh.

He won't have sex with her until she turns 21?

She asked hopefully in a very high voice.

No he won't have sex with her unless she's, like,

completely shaved, like, completely.

Max, do you mind? Duke is sitting right there.

What? I can know about it.

- It's fine. - Allô.

C'est moi.

A Certain Age, $800.

A common Jewish surname.

It's German for "black."

- What is Schwartz?! - Schvartze!

- Schwartz. - Correct.

- Jesus. - All In The Family, 2,000.

In the King James Bible, these three words

starting with a relative,

precede "for they know not what they do."

- What is "Father forgive them?" - "Father forgive them!"

What is "Father, forgive them?"

Right.

Magic and sorcery in the Bible for eight.

This Babylonian king had his own group of magicians,

but it was Daniel who interpreted his dreams.

- Who is Nebuchadnezzar? - Nebuchadnezzar.

- Yes. - Good. We both won.

No, you didn't win, because you didn't

put it in the form of a question.

- Oh, thank you. - You're welcome.

Is it good?

- Yeah. - So, these boys asked me

to do a photo shoot for like,

- their rehab group or... - Mm-hmm.

Some kind of bullshit,

and, um, they asked me to invite

my girlfriends, and it turns out

they were just trying to get me to take naked pictures of them.

And they thought because I was shooting it, it would be okay.

The fuck?

So stupid.

Well, boys will be boys.

They certainly know how to take any advantage

to gawp at young girls' bosoms.

It's so childish.

Why did you leave my dad?

What?

Frankie, shut up.

No.

Why did you leave my dad?

Frankie, that was a long time ago.

Well, yeah, but you never told us.

You-you never told us. You...

you sat us down and gave us that bullshit talk

and then we all went to the movies.

But you never told us why.

It's true, Mom.

You never told us.

Did your father say something to you

when you saw him on Tuesday?

This is not about what my father said to me.

This is about what you haven't said to me.

Why did you leave my dad?

Oh, I beg your pardon.

I've made a pong. Uh-oh.

Oh.

Gran.

Oh, okay. Gross.

Goodness me.

Thanks, Mom.

No problem.

Sync and corrections by btsix www.addic7ed.com

Okay.

Yeah.

No, I'm not okay, but...

Bye.

I don't know what you want me to say.

♪ I'm the fattest person in the land ♪

♪ I'm the fatty patty patty man. ♪

Hi. How are you?

- How you doing? - I'm okay.

What's wrong?

Why you cry?

Doesn't matter.

I just...

Bleh.

What were you doing today?

Hmm.

Well, I have therapy.

Yep.

Yep, I do.

I have doctor medical prescribed

mental therapy.

Good, Mom. You need it.

Oh, thank you so much.

What are you gonna do today?

I... don't know.

I'm supposed to see a show tonight.

I'm shooting a band.

Cool.

- Can I borrow your boots? - Nope. Absolutely not.

- Mom! - No, you can't.

Mom, they're just gonna stay in your closet.

Please, please, can I borrow the boots?

Nope. No.

No, you can't, honey.

What's wrong?

My boyfriend broke up with me.

Oh.

Which one?

Um, the black ones with the roses.

No, I meant which boyfriend.

Okay, that's really funny, Mom.

Now I feel bad about myself again.

Come on. Come on.

Turn around.

Turn around, turn away.

- Turn away. - Why do you have that?

It's so weird you keep your fucking boots in a safe.

Oh, what about those? Can I have those?

No! No, no, no, no.

You absolutely can't, no. No, honey.

You know why?

My grandmother left me a gold bracelet,

I had a rare book and a ruby ring,

and you know what? They're all gone.

They're all gone.

You guys just take it.

You take away things. So...

Go ahead. Take these boots.

I'm never gonna see 'em again.

But I am keeping these boots.

And my safe.

You're welcome.

Can we go out? Can we get tacos?

Didn't you hear what I was singing before?

I'm the fatty, patty, patty, patty, fatty man.

Duh. Yes.

- Okay. - Tacos.

Seriously? I could...

climb over the...

Okay.

Well, this kind of stress at home is very common.

Oh, really? Is it? Is this common?

Uber, Uber, Uber, Uber,

Uber, Uber, Uber, Uber, Uber, Lyft, Lyft,

Postmates, Venmo,

Spotify, Instafollow,

Lyft, Uber, Uber, Uber,

Uber, Uber, Lyft,

Postmates, Postmates, Editing Bunny.

I don't know... why this makes me so angry.

I know they have to get places

and I can't be everywhere.

I just... I-I...

It... When I see it

in this big, giant, pile

of turd money bullshit...

I need somebody to weigh in.

Like, is this okay? Is this how people are doing it?

Or am I completely screwing everything up?

Yes.

"There are no strangers here,

only friends we have not met."

♪ Fried ham, fried ham ♪

♪ Cheese and bologna, after the macaroni ♪

♪ We'll have... ♪

♪ Pickles, onions, and pretzels ♪

♪ Then we'll have some more fried ham, fried ham. ♪

♪ I'm gonna pack my bags and turn around ♪

♪ I'm gonna turn this camp right upside down ♪

♪ I'm gonna drink and smoke and neck and peck ♪

♪ So what the heck, to hell with the... ♪

I guess it really has been that long.

- ♪ To hell with the Ca... ♪ - ♪ Camp ♪

- ♪ Camp Teak girls ♪ - ♪ Camp Teak boys ♪

- ♪ Camp Teak girls ♪ - ♪ Camp Teak boys ♪

- ♪ Wear boxers ♪ - ♪ Are fairies ♪

- Hoh... - Yeah, you see that?

I knew I wasn't that forgettable.

Blowing your mind a little bit?

A little bit.

Yeah.

Hi.

Little Deezy Miller.

And now Dr. Little Deezy Miller.

But I'll take David from my old camp buddy.

Oh. Okay.

What? We weren't buddies?

Oh, no, I don't know.

I mean, is that what you call every girl

you went behind the infirmary with?

You are every girl I went behind the infirmary with.

I was red team. 60s?

Oh, God, that's right. Yeah, and you wore that, uh,

Led Zeppelin shirt with the sleeves cut off

for that whole week.

You were so cute. God, you killed me.

So...

still got that shirt?

Yes!

What happened?

You've been playing in the street again is what happened.

No, I... I wasn't, I...

If your mother finds out

you've been playing in the street again,

you're gonna be in a lot of trouble.

I don't feel good.

All right. Come on. You're fine.

Just a little shaken up.

How many fingers?

Three.

Good girl. All right.

Need a little lie down is all.

Now, get yourself back in and get cleaned up

before your mother catches you.

Okay. Wait, where's my skateboard?

Go.

We should probably talk about you at some point.

Mm-hmm. Sure. Yeah.

Or, I don't know, you could maybe just give me the drugs.

Dr. Babu said that you would try to shake me down.

But so far all I know is either

somebody stole your credit card

or, um, you have a teenager at home.

Two, and a younger.

And you think that they're contributing

to your sleep issues?

No. No. They don't keep me up anymore.

I don't even fall asleep, I just pass out.

All right.

Ugh.

Ugh!

I keep...

I keep having these dreams that I'm constantly

getting sexed on by my ex,

and it's happening very frequently,

meaning every single night.

How long since the divorce?

Uh, it's been, like, four or five hundred years.

So was it an amicable split?

Um... jeesh,

I don't want to...

I don't...

Well, we don't have to get into that right now.

But I will say that even after a contentious relationship,

there can be residual feelings

- No. No. No. No. - That have to be dealt with.

- Otherwise they can continue to fester. - Nope.

- Beneath the surface. - No. Nope. Wrong. Wrong.

Sorry, that's stupid.

If your ex-husband was here right now,

what would you say to him?

Why didn't you drown in a puddle of diarrhea yet?

Hello, Sam.

Hello.

Be stiffer.

More stiff and awkward,

yet charming.

More stiff and awkward than that?

Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.

Hello, Sam.

Yeah, hi.

What happened?

- Why did you summon me? - Um...

because I've been having dreams,

and they're fairly disturbing to me.

What happens in the dreams?

I don't want to talk about it.

Well, maybe you better talk about it.

I mean, you called me.

I've been having dreams that we're fucking.

Sex dreams things.

Oh, gosh.

This makes me very, very,

very, very uncomfortable.

I'm not attracted to you.

I'm not attracted to you either.

But do you remember the thing that...

we used to do, we did?

Jesus.

Yeah, of course. I remember, yeah.

- Do you? - I remember.

I don't think that it's a good idea

- that we do this. - Same.

But just for the record...

I'll do it if you want to.

I don't have that outfit anymore.

You have the boots?

Yes, I have the boots.

- Do you have the underwear? - Shut up.

Yes.

I'm fully erect right now.

Ugh. I'm sick to my stomach.

Well, you were always that way before we did that.

This is bad. I know that this is bad.

You know, and also, I'm offended a little bit.

I resent you

for pulling us into this moment, because we both know

that you're the one that's in control.

- It's not fair, Sam. - I don't care,

you can hang up any time.

I'm going back to my hotel.

If you want, you can go home, get the boots,

get that underwear.

My flight leaves tomorrow at 7:00 a.m.

And I don't know how I'll feel or even what I'll do

if you come over, but...

Elevators ain't running.

Come on.

Shouldn't be getting out of bed, Miss.

Has he been here? Have you seen him?

I ain't seen him for a week.

Where's Cornell?

He's watching the other door.

Oh, you're swell. Oh...

Now, that's crazy... it's 14 floors.

I... I just got hit by a car.

Oh. Is that what that noise was?

I think I'm in trouble.

Mm-hmm. Maybe.

And I can't tell Mom, but...

...I think I'm really hurt.

What?

Did you-did you hit your head?

No.

Well, does it hurt? Are you-are you bleeding?

Well, where?

I don't see any blood.

Duke.

Maybe it's...

someplace else.

Someplace else? What... w-what do you mean?

Oh.

Um...

Okay.

No, no, no, no, no, hey. Hey, hey, hey.

It's okay, you're okay. Um,

why don't we just... we'll go upstairs, okay?

I have something you need up there. Yeah?

No sense in going up there...

I've been here for hours. He ain't here.

Let me go, would you?

I want to call Max.

- Keep it close. - Mm-hmm.

Hello, Mom.

Well, don't linger there like a huckster. Come in.

Is everything okay?

You called me to come over here, Phil?

My car keys.

I've decided it's time.

And I don't want to talk about it. Ever.

- Do you understand? - Yes.

I do have conditions, however.

I want unlimited Ubers for life

and a black American Express card.

Is there anything else, or...

What?

No, what do you mean?

I...

Nothing.

You agree to the terms, then?

Phil, yeah, we can't get a black American Express card.

Well, Ubers, then.

And I want the service... The one that brings you

a different flavored popcorn every month.

I'll look into that.

Good.

Okay. All right.

Well, I'm making dinner now.

- That's very nice. - So you should leave.

Huh.

Again.

Oh, no.

What...?

Guys?

Somebody?

I need a tampon.

I gave your last one to Duke.

What?!