All language subtitles for Abbys.S01E02.Rule.Change.720p.AMZN.WEB-DL.DDP5.1.H.264-NTb

"Abby's" is filmed in front
of a live outdoor audience.

Okay, tonight's round

of guess that terrible Rosie
drawing starts... now.

Good God, that is terrible even for you.

- All right, hint.
- She's really famous.

Queen Elizabeth.

Queen Latifah.

Maybe Oprah?

- Okay, hint number two.
- She's a modern singer.

Bette Midler.

What? Dude, she said modern.

Uh, well then, um...

Ariani Seleno.

Okay, third and final hint.

Chula Vista gas station.

- Britney Spears!
- Yes!

27 seconds!

I stand by Queen Latifah.

- Synced & corrected by MementMori -
-- www.addic7ed.com --

Hey, Abs.

Any chance you could trim
that tree by the fence?

It's dropping these spiky
little gumball things

- into my backyard.
- Oh, I love these things.

When I was a kid, I used to make

creepy little earrings out of them.

When I was a kid, my granny used to

chuck 'em at me.

She was a monster.

Yeah, it's just my Jacuzzi
is littered with 'em,

and that's the only place at home

where I can escape my boys.

When they were five, I told them

the jets could suck them down the drain

and spit them into the Pacific.

They still believe it.

- Oh, those dummies.
- I don't know, Beth.

I like the trees the way they are.

Plus, those branches

block my view of Henry's backyard.

He swims nude. He does yoga nude.

He teaches yoga nude.

To other nude people.

- I can't help you.
- Uh, hey, Abby.

Some of these bar rules are ridiculous.

"89: No talking about your dreams"?

Well, what if you had a real doozy

where you and Barack Obama
opened up a restaurant toge...

- Uh. No.
- No, no, no.

All right, fine. I can take a hint.

I know when I'm not wanted.

I was just gonna go put this quarter

in the jukebox... but it's Missouri!

Oh, man!

I've been looking for a
Missouri for quite some time.

As you might have guessed,

I collect the state quarters,
and Missouri is...

well, let's just say they don't
grow on trees, my friends.

I can't use this on a dumb song.

- I'm in quite a pickle here now.
- Hey.

Lookee, I got all kinds of change here.

Why don't you go spend
it. Way over there.

- Thanks, Fred.
- Okay.

Okay, so your landlord, Bill,

he's just here now,
interacting with us forever?

Yeah, it's a problem. Okay, huddle up.

Do you remember when we had the mice

and it was impossible
to enjoy ourselves?

Well, this is just like the mice, okay?

Don't worry. I'll handle it.

Oh. So you're going to lure
Bill into a plastic tube

using peanut butter and then
release him in Balboa Park?

No. Would that work, do you think?

No, right?

Hey, Fred. Just an FYI.

A lot of this change is just buttons.

Hey, uh, Bill.

I feel like we've been taking
up a lot of your time lately.

There must be tons of
other people in your life

who are just desperate to get a...

a hot slice of Bill.

Not really.

Most of my "friends" are at trivia night

with my ex-wife, so, you know,

if I showed up there, it
would be a little awkward.

Well, you never know unless
you try though, right?

I did try last week actually.

Yeah, the only question I
didn't know the answer to is,

"Who is that strange man
and why is his hand

on my ex-wife's lower back?"

You know, you're never gonna
really understand the bar

if you're just reading
through the rules, you know?

Maybe you should just go
sit on the back benches.

Get to know the people.

She's right, Bill.

It's not really fair that
you just got your own seat

at the bar without having to
come up through the ranks

- like everybody else.
- Shocker.

The tall, white man got to
skip to the head of the line.

Whoa. come on.

I only got to skip ahead
because this is my property.

And why is it your property?

It's not because I'm tall or white.

It's because I inherited
from my rich aunt,

fair and square.

Wow, I am truly part of
the problem, aren't I?

So go be part of the solution.

Get on back there. Sit
amongst the people.

It'll be like "Undercover Boss."

Except everybody knows who are you are.

And you're not the boss.

All right, I'll give it a try.

I mean, I do love "Undercover Boss."

Those wigs.

I mean, who do they
think they're kidding?

So you're saying Tony
Gwynn's big paunchy belly

- is what made him good?
- Yeah.

Fat is energy, Dale.

That's science.

Hey. Baseball, huh, guys?

The ol' white ball, isn't that right?

Did you guys know that the name
"Padres" is actual a reference

to the Franciscan priests
who built missions

all up and down the coast of California?

Actually, have you guys ever been

to the San Juan Capistrano mission?

Because it is very beautiful.

I've been to Mission Burrito.

Now, that place is legit.

Damn, man, I wish we could wear sandals.

That's like 80% of the reason
why I moved to San Diego.

The other 20% is...

military towns make me feel safe.

That's right. Rule number 103.

No men are allowed to wear
open-toed shoes in the bar

because "gross, who wants to see that?"

Totally untrue. I have beautiful feet.

It's my ankles that's the problem.

If you guys wanted, I could
talk to Abby about it.

- For real?
- Well, yeah, I mean,

I'm her landlord, and
as the property owner,

I should have some pull with her.

Bill, that would be amazing.

If you could get that rule changed,

- you'd be my new best friend.
- Really?

I mean, yeah, I'll give
it a shot, I don't know.

Okay, I'll do it.

Excuse me, bar keep?

Oh, my God. I'm really sorry.
I don't know why I said that.

Hey, listen, Abby, can I
talk to you about something?

Nothing would make me happier, Bill.

Okay, well, I think that
we should amend Rule 103.

I think it's time that
the men at the bar

are able to wear open-toed shoes.

Seriously, James? You
got Bill asking me now?

I don't even... what
are we talking about?

The answer is no, Bill.

Let me tell you a little story.

I was attacked by a man's foot once.

It was two years ago.

I was reaching down to pick up a pen

when an older gentleman's
toenail grazed my cheek.

Eww.

And... his big toe,
briefly but unmistakably,

touched the tip of my tooth.

I worked for two years on a
commercial fishing boat.

Saw a lot of fish clubbed to death.

And that is the most upsetting
thing I've ever seen.

Okay, yes, that is just
really, really, really gross,

but it was a freak accident, Abby.

Okay, I've been talking to the people,

the real people, the back bench people,

who are, by the way, the
fabric of this bar,

and their feet are suffering.

The people have impulses
that aren't always

what's best for them or the bar,

especially when there's booze involved.

She's right. Last week, Fireworks Jerry

had four rum and Cokes
and wanted to set off

- bottle rockets back here.
- Bottle rockets!

Who needs them? You
need some? I have some.

- You need some?
- Jerry, settle down!

Settle.

Down.

Second of all, the rules protect

the integrity of the bar.

We don't just change
them on a whim, okay?

Conversation over.

Bill, Bill, Bill, Bill, Bill.

Bill, Bill, Bill, Bill.

Ahem, excuse me.

I hereby invoke Rule 47b,

which stipulates that any
person may challenge

an existing rule through the
application of due process.

You fool.

Hey, Bill, after Abby murders you,

can we have your cell phone case?

We're still gonna want to make
fun of you when you're gone.

You really want to do this?

I do.

Okay, Rosie, ring the bell.

We got a rule challenge.

Oh, that's the "fact challenge" bell.

- Rule challenge bell is bronze.
- Mm. Right.

Okay...

Hm, ehh, hm.

It's kinda taking a while. Can we talk

- while she's down...
- No! Gotta wait.

♪ Happy birthday to you ♪

That's the, uh, birthday bell.

Yeah, I got that.

Okay, guys, we gotta regroup.

Yeah, what are we gonna
do about this problem

mostly Dale started?

This is our bar, and
Bill is trying to change

the soul of this place,
but we are not gonna let

Bill squash everything
we've built together.

Instead, we are going to squash Bill.

- "Squash Bill" on three.
- You're overcompensating,

but I like it. Let's do it.
One, two, three.

Squash Bill!

Okay, the process for changing a rule

is pretty simple.

Ooh. That's actually P-R-O-C.

I'm a product of the
spell-check generation, Bill.

Get off my ass.

But thank you.

The rule change must be brought

to a standing committee of regulars,

which includes, obviously, me, Beth,

Fred, James, Rosie, and Skip.

Skip always abstains.

Or falls asleep, which
counts as abstaining.

Abby will make her case,
you will make your case,

during the entire process, we,
of course, will drink for free.

- No, you don't.
- We get three free drinks.

- No, you don't.
- We get one free drink.

- You get zero drinks.
- Thank you.

Simple majority vote wins.
Think you can handle it?

Okay. For my new friends
James and Dale, anything.

You know, I can be very persuasive.

I was an alternate on my
high school debate team.

What does that mean?

It means that when Jenny
Lee got pink-eye,

ya boy placed fourth in state.

Abby, I've got a super simple way

to handle this Bill situation.

- All right, let's hear it.
- First,

we steal his credit
card and go shopping.

I buy this pair of boots
I've had my eyes on.

You can get whatever
you want. Not the boots.

Unless they look better on
you, which they probably will.

Next thing you know, Bill's
credit score plummets.

Then we begin Phase Two.

How many phases are there?

Nine.

Okay, Fred. Just hear me out.

Have you ever tried
sliding into a nice pair

of Birkenstocks because
that arch support alone

is life changing.

Look, Bill, I've got flat feet,

and I like 'em that way.

And even if I didn't, I
vote with Abby always.

James, you've been playing both sides,

and I know you want to wear sandals.

But enough is enough, okay?
Tell me you're with me.

- I am with you.
- Great.

Emotionally. Voting wise, I'm with Bill.

Come on, man.

I thought we were friends.

We drink together, we
play Clue together.

I've turned on Clue.

It's a white person murder game

that never ends in jail time.

The only thing we disagree on

is American musical theater.

I'm pro, she is con,
except for "Oklahoma!"

which you would have to
be dead not to like.

- You like musicals?
- Oh, yeah.

Fred, did you know that
most jazz standards

are from musicals?

I mean, Pal Joey alone has like...

Bill. Really?

Don't do this. Don't
ruin musicals for me.

Also, why are you choosing
to die on this hill?

Men's feet? They're disgusting.

I don't even look at my
own feet anymore, ever.

What about when you're in the shower?

You want to ruin showers for me too?

James, how about a little loyalty, huh?

I'm sorry. I can't, Abby.

We live in California.

My feet want to drive convertibles.

Hey, Beth, uh, can I speak
to you for a moment?

Ugh, I got two sips of
"chard" left. Be quick.

Okay, I mean, we... we
never really had a chance

to have a good one-on-one chat, have we?

One sip left in the chamber, pal.

Okay, um, um,

how long have you lived
in this neighborhood?

Uh, eight years and there is no way

- I'm voting against Abby.
- Okay, Beth.

Surely you believe in equality, right?

I mean, it's... it's just
not fair that the women

at the bar get to wear
sandals and the men don't.

Huh. You're right, Bill.

Women have had it too good for too long.

Okay, look.

I was Abby's first customer ever.

All right, she's not
just a bartender to me.

She's a friend, and she's
always been there for me.

Oh!

Except when it comes
to these Satan balls.

Why won't Abby deal with this?

I ask for so little.

You do seem very easygoing.

I am.

Beth. Wait, wait, wait, Beth.

I own this property, okay?

So if you vote with me, I can
take care of your tree problem.

What do you say, a little, uh,

"you scratch my back, I scratch yours"?

You touch my back, Bill,
I'll call the police.

Whoa! What? No. That's not...

I get it. You're a back guy, okay?

But that's not for me,
pal, so keep cruising.

Well, Bill, I'm sorry, but
it's just not gonna happen.

The only person you have is James,

so that makes the vote four to one.

With Skip abstaining, of course.

Well, look at this.

Oh, no. No... he's going for the sock!

- No!
- Ah!

No... ah!

- Ack.
- Now, hold on a second.

That's a vote. This counts as a vote.

Skip has voted for sandals.
Skip is with me.

Doesn't matter. I still win four to two.

- Rule stays.
- Oh. All right.

Wait.

I'm changing my vote. I'm with Bill.

Oh, Beth, when Abby murders you,

can I have your Jacuzzi?

Thanks to a traitor in our midst,

we have a tie.

The tiebreaker, as outlined in Rule 47c,

is a game of bocce ball.

Hey, James, does bocce ball require

any hand-eye coordination because, uh,

I don't have that.

I got you.

This is the closest we
got to a rule change

since George tried to
change the bar nut mix.

Who's George?

We don't talk about George.

- Beth, what the hell?
- I know.

But Bill said he would trim your tree.

Also, get this. He's into backs.

Well, that is juicy, but right now

we're talking about how
you're betraying me.

This is not a betrayal.

Your husband having sex with
you and giving you twins,

that's a betrayal.

Oh, so I guess it wouldn't be a betrayal

if I just removed chardonnay
from Two for Tuesdays.

Oh, well. Fine. Do it.

Fine.

Okay. Actually, I was
bluffing. I want the wine!

I want Two on Tuesdays!

All right, so bocce.
What's the deal here?

Is there a hole I'm supposed
to get these in or what?

Dude, are you serious? It's bocce.

I know they played this at
your country club growing up.

How did you know that I belonged

to a country club growing up?

Your body just looks like it was raised

on poolside chicken tenders.

Now, just throw the ball, and
we'll do a practice round.

Okay.

Ju... Bill!

You're supposed to just roll the ball

like 10 feet down the court.

Oh.

I can't believe this is happening.

When Bill first showed
up, you promised me

that I had nothing to worry about.

That I could trust him
not to ruin the place.

Well, there he is, ruining the place.

Sarge, I think I know
what the problem is.

Yeah, I just told you.

Bill's turning everyone against me.

No, he's not turning
everyone against you.

You're turning everyone against you.

Here's the deal.

You're kind of a, um, "my way
or the highway" type person,

and 95% of the time, your way is great.

It got us this bar, this
place that we love.

Yeah, "my way or the highway"
is also why no one gets hit on

by creepy dudes in No Fear tank tops.

Agreed.

But 5% of the time,

if you're not giving the
people what they need,

they're gonna start
looking for an onramp.

What?

To the "highway" that's not "your way."

Whoa, James "needs" to expose his feet

and Beth "needs" to ruin my yard?

No, but they need to feel that
they're being listened to,

and that their feelings matter

even when they don't line
up exactly with yours.

They're your friends, right?

Sometimes you bend for friends.

I guess that is a small
component of friendship.

But I mean, that doesn't excuse
Bill trying to stage a coup.

I mean, what could that
guy possible need?

Well, let's think about it.

He's going through a divorce, right?

Yeah, although, he has
such a cool personality.

I can't imagine why.

When I was going through my divorce,

I felt like a loser.

I needed something, anything to
make me feel like a man again,

and I wanted it so bad...

one time, at my lowest, I
went to the bowling alley

and I spent 60 bucks on
one of those claw games,

until finally I pulled out a Padres hat.

As sad as that sounds,
it actually helped.

I thought your head was
too big to wear hats.

It is.

If it doesn't have a chin
strap, it's game over.

Point is that the win...
the win made me feel good.

I don't think he's trying
to change this place.

I think he wants to belong here.

The guy just needs a win.

How do you even get a
bocce ball back here?

I don't know! Just help me get it out.

You ready to play, Bill?

I mean... Sure,

it's not going to be
much of a game though.

- You're gonna crush me.
- Oh, I wouldn't be so sure.

Bocce's just as much
luck as it is skill.

- It could be anybody's game.
- You think?

Yeah, sure. You could totally win this.

Abby crushes Bill, 21 to 0.

Uh, did you not hear me?

Or did my story about giving Bill a win

confuse you in some way?

Oh, I got it, but I wasn't
gonna blow my bocce record.

I'm 81 and 0.

But don't worry. He's got a win coming.

Okay, Skip's shoe isn't going back on.

Uh...

I say we just wrap his foot in newspaper

and send him on his way.

Okay, people, I have an announcement.

James is no longer the
all-time leading bocce dunce.

Wha... James, why did you
volunteer to coach me

if you're terrible at bocce?

They say those that can't do, teach.

Is it possible that you
can't do or teach?

That's possible, yeah.

Because Bill scored a whopping 0 points

- he now claims the top spot.
- Hey.

- Good job.
- Why are people clapping?

This is huge. It's been James

- for two whole years.
- Quite a feat, Bill.

I've never heard of anybody
not scoring any points.

It's really difficult to do.

Phil one time brought
his toddler in here,

and the child scored three
points accidentally.

Congratulations, Bill. You
have won the commemorative

- Bocce Dunce Hat.
- Nice.

Treat it with respect.

You look like a racist traffic cone.

Okay.

So, I'm sorry.

I probably shouldn't have shut you down

so hard about the tree.

Eh, it's okay.

I told Bill it was gonna cost 400 bucks

to get 'em trimmed, but
it'll be more like 250.

You know, I could probably
just do it with my chainsaw.

Then you could keep all of the money.

Wha... oh.

You're gonna make me cry.

Hey, bocce dunce. Let
me buy you a drink.

Oh, no, thanks. I've already had one,

so I'm pretty buzzed.

Dude, you're like 7 feet tall.

You could take one more. Rosie, shots.

Whoa, no, no, no. That's okay, Rosie.

Uh, it's tradition. The
dunce has to drink.

And so do the dunce's friends.

Don't make it weird.

Okay.

Hey.

Oh.

Listen, James, I'm really
sorry I couldn't make

that rule change happen.

It's okay. We're bonded now.

Part of the underground
men's sandal resistance.

Hey, James, so going forward,

on Two for Tuesdays,

you can wear your sandals.

What about Dale?

I don't want to see Dale's feet.

Yeah, me neither.

Two of his toes don't even got nails.

- Synced & corrected by MementMori -
-- www.addic7ed.com --