Original subtitles

Downloaded from YTS.MX

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(thunder roaring)

- Hi, Paul. (somber music)

- It's Werther, sitting under a linden tree.

Just a type of oak, apparently,

kind of smells like lukewarm ejaculate.

Have you ever noticed that about oak trees?

Anyway, I'm bleeding from the upper face part of my head

pretty profusely, and I'm probably dying.

(somber music continues)

All because of stupid love.

(thunder roaring)

Tell my mother the Dia Viari horse is on my desk

at the hotel,

and I never really hated her.

Call me if you get a chance.

(thunder roaring)

Miss you.

(somber music continues)

(upbeat music)

(upbeat music continues)

- They left my sleep apnea machine

on the platform in Montreal.

Did you bring a copy of the will?

- Mm-hm.

- Still don't think this is a good idea.

- You don't think anything's a good idea?

- It's a six largest city in North America, Werther.

- It's one day, Paul.

- You could get shot by a rapist.

- Or accidentally take the metro downtown instead of uptown?

Come on. (upbeat music continues)

- Don't joke about that.

- Just try to enjoy yourself.

Once I retrieved Judith's precious little horse

from her thieving sister, my trust will be released,

and I will be off to Europe for a summer of adventure

while you return to Westmount

to have the worst three months of your life.

- It's not my fault I'm afraid of Europe.

- World War One ended 100 years ago,

and apparently it wasn't even so bad.

- It was one of the worst things that ever happened,

and it could happen again at any moment.

Isn't this the way the hotel?

- So, there is this place that supposedly makes the

best gelato known to humanity.

- I didn't bring Lactaid.

- One quick stop and then we will head straight

to my aunt and uncle's to pick up the horse sculpture.

What is it?

- You get distracted.

You have trouble following through.

- Well, that's just not true.

Name one pursuit I've abandoned.

- Your old country band.

(upbeat music)

- Woo!

Artistic differences.

- Your fine art photography of oceanography PhD

stemmed inside the carcasses of beached whales.

- In fairness, the whales did not beach themselves

anywhere near as frequently as necessary

for the project to be a success.

- And of course, your memoir.

- My memoir is still in progress.

I just haven't had enough life experience yet.

- We're returning the horse to your mom tomorrow, right?

That's the only reason I agreed to this trip.

- Tomorrow. Come on.

Tut-tut-tut-tut.

(sighs)

Beautiful.

(upbeat music continues)

- Woohoo. Mm, mm.

Marshmallow is my new favorite.

- I think I'm getting a sunburn.

I'll just meet you at the hotel.

- Paul?

- My sister is eighteen, so no,

she doesn't wanna fly down to Miami with you

on your sick jet, which probably belongs to your father,

who's also your boss, and who, if given the chance,

would be competing with you for my sister, again, 18,

which is younger than the daughter he has

with the stepmother you used to fantasize about

while showering.

- I have never wanted anyone more.

- I never fantasized about Brooke.

(Sissy giggling)

- Charlotte, what was that?

- That was called protecting my little sister

from a sex criminal.

- Thank you, Charlotte.

- 1% over there definitely fantasized about Brooke,

but how constantly?

Like three times a day, every seven seconds?

Did he picture his dad being like part of it, or?

"Franny and Zooey" Nice.

- It's first edition, it's signed.

- I mean, you're brave to bring something so valuable

out into the world.

- It was a very thoughtful gift from my sister.

- Ugh, who reads?

You should have gotten Charlotte

that diamond bracelet from Tiffany's,

or a new vibrator.

- What? Diamonds are a girl's best friend?

- I've read about that.

I'm Werther, by the way.

- I'm Sissy Buff. This is Melanie.

And my older sister Charlotte, it's her birthday today.

- Happy birthday Miss Charlotte Buff.

- Thank you, we're actually just having

a bit of a girl's day though, so it's nice to meet you.

- Oh, nice to meet you too.

Before I go though, I'm from Westmount, Montreal,

only here for the day.

If you guys have any recommendations.

- You should come to Charlotte's party tonight.

- Well, I love parties. - I don't know

if we'll actually be going.

- You never go to parties or do anything fun.

It's your birthday, be a normal human for once.

It's at the Claudine Hotel at 10:00 PM.

We will definitely be there.

- 10:00 PM, I will see you there.

Fun.

(soothing music)

(phone ringing)

Oh, excuse me. Hi Paul.

- [Paul] Where are you?

- I'm on the subway to my aunt's house.

- I can hear your inseam being measured.

- I'm at Peruzzi's.

Are you replacing the sheets in the hotel?

- What's the condition of the horse?

- I met a girl. - Werther!

- No, she's incredible. She's smart.

She's funny, she's adorable.

She's maternal, she's loquacious,

and she's a reader, who reads, Paul?

- Why are at you at Peruzzi's if you haven't

picked up the horse yet?

- Well, rush tailoring stops at four.

- That doesn't make any sense.

- Well, I only brought one suit with me, Paul,

and I'm hardly showing up at Charlotte's party

wearing the same thing as this afternoon, am I?

- Who's Charlotte?

The girl from today that you just met?

- The girl from today that I think I'm in love with.

(soothing music continues)

(door knocking)

- This all seems to be in order.

The horse was left to your sister.

Why would you do this?

- She wants it because I want it.

- But why do you want it?

It's not even a nice representation.

- Because she wants it.

- Sisters.

If my wife and your mother would end this foolishness,

but tell me, how are you?

What will you be doing with yourself this summer?

- I'm off to Europe for expat adventures.

Material for my memoir.

- Oh, material, eh?

The silky and lacy variety?

- Something like that.

- Let me tell you about the material

you hope to gather in Europe.

Seek out smart, confident progressive women.

Real spitfires. They'll challenge your wits,

and make you reconsider your very outlook on both yourself

and the wider world.

- That's good advice.

- And no condoms. They feel terrible.

(upbeat music)

- Thank you.

Room 405.

(upbeat music continues)

I like your shoes. - Thank you.

(singing in foreign language)

(glass breaking)

- Are you insane?

- I didn't, um.

- It's basic physics. - Up, up.

- Unbelievable.

- Incredibly smooth.

You're like a young Dr. No era Sean Connery.

- Girls are always saying that to me.

- Is it because you slapped them before kissing them

or because you're insufferable

about Scottish national politics?

- Both. Champagne?

- No, thank you.

- Come on, everybody deserves a glass of champagne

on their birthday.

- I'm actually just about to leave.

- I just arrived. - No offense.

My sister invited you.

- Yeah, where is the charming Sissy?

- Her fake ID is my ID, so.

- December 15th, 1990.

- I promised her I'd stay until 10:30,

which is five minutes from now.

- Don't you want to hang out

with all your friends on your big day?

- I don't really know anybody here.

What about Melanie?

- At a certain point in the evening,

she's just on her own journey.

- Ah,

you're having a good birthday?

- It was fine. - Just fine?

- Just fine.

- What did you want to do today that you did not get to do?

- It's not that.

- You wanted to ride a mechanical bull.

- I just, I love mechanical bulls so much.

- I don't think you can even say that you've had a birthday

unless you've ridden a mechanical bull.

What?

- It's stupid. - It's probably not.

- You won't make fun of me?

- I will probably not make fun of you.

- I don't know how to dance to any of this music.

- Nobody does.

- What about him?

(upbeat music) (singing in foreign language)

- Well, he's a talented man.

Well, you don't have any embarrassing school dance moves?

- I never went to high school dances.

- Weddings?

Slumber parties?

Afternoons at your best friend's house when you skip school?

So you don't have any friends and you can't dance?

- I can waltz, but just not playing anything waltzable.

(upbeat music)

(upbeat music continues)

- We will see.

(upbeat classical music)

(Charlotte laughing)

(upbeat classical music continues)

- Where did you learn to waltz?

- Finishing school? - Oh

They must be very proud.

You are the picture of grace and savoir-vivre.

- Well, if you're a member of a finishing school's

partner school and you get a doctor's note

excusing you from rugby,

you can spend your gym periods assisting young women

with their pursuit of partnered dancing.

- Clever.

- Anything for dance.

(classical music continues)

And you, quite graceful.

- My dad loved to waltz.

- Well, he'd stand you on his feet

and he'd dance around the living room?

- No, he taught me properly.

Every year for my birthday, he'd take me and my mom

to the Albino Squirrel Conservation Gala

and we'd take turns waltzing all night.

- That's so lovely. - It was.

- So how come you never went to slumber parties

or high school dances?

- I have six brothers and sisters.

- Six?

- Between school and lessons and making sure

they're not covered in each other's mucus and blood.

- Isn't that more in the parental sphere

of domestic responsibility?

- My mom passed away suddenly, and my dad tried,

but he wasn't really the same afterward.

So I just took on more and more.

And it didn't really leave a lot of time for slumber parties

or college,

or a career.

- I'm so sorry.

That's amazing you help him out.

- Helped.

Cancer.

- Oh.

(patrons clapping and cheering)

(upbeat music)

- That was some serious Jane Eyre shit.

- I'll show you how to do the worm.

- I don't need to learn how to do the worm.

(upbeat music continues)

(upbeat music continues)

(upbeat music continues)

(upbeat music continues)

(soothing music)

(soothing music continues)

(soothing music continues)

- That's not, that's not what I'm saying.

I mean, I am a writer.

- Oh. Oh, here we go.

What do you write, writer?

- That doesn't matter.

What I'm saying is the cultural impact of Salinger

is amazing, but I stand by what I say.

- "Catcher in the Rye" is not- - Not a piece of shit.

Full stop! - Shit!

- But compared to "Franny and Zooey" it's a piece of shit.

It's shit like, it resembles from a distance

book shaped shit. (Charlotte laughing)

(soothing music)

(people talking indistinctly)

Oh buddy. (Melanie barfing)

Are you ready for a charm offensive?

- What, more charming than this?

- Okay, I first need to- - Ow. (laughs)

- I first need to figure out

a poetic term for the purest combination of amber and green

that most appropriately describes

the remarkable hazelness of your eyes.

- Werther, I should have mentioned, I-

- As far as gold. - I'm.

- No, caramel emerald. - I'm-

- Carol Emaral. You what?

- I'm engaged.

- What?

I didn't even think to look.

- His name's Albert. You'd like him.

- Yeah, everybody likes Albert.

Charlotte loves Albert and you like Charlotte.

This pretty face, how could you not like this pretty face?

- How could you not?

- Albert liked it too, so he put a ring on her face.

He's rich, handsome,

rich, handsome lawyer.

Significant mating advantages.

- Well, he sounds nice

- He is.

(car honking)

Oh, that's, yeah.

- Yeah, is it weird that he, what's his name?

Allen, wasn't here tonight.

- Albert. He had work.

Like Albert's always working.

It's hard for him not to, it's admirable.

- On your birthday?

- Albert's doing a little birthday brunch

for me instead tomorrow.

If you don't have plans, it could be fun.

I'll text you the address.

- Sure.

um, maybe- - Oh, bye.

- [Melanie] Hot dogs! Hot dogs!

(soothing music continues)

- What?

(people talking indistinctly)

(soothing music)

(PA announcer speaking indistinctly)

(upbeat music)

(upbeat music continues)

- Traffic was terrible, and where were you yesterday?

- I met the girl I wanna spend the rest of my life with.

So there is no way I'm just gonna leave town

and let her stupid fiance have her.

- I'm going home.

- I need your emotional support.

- Support your own emotions.

- You know, I can't, if you leave,

I will tell Aunt Lee what really happened

to the Hudson Bay blanket when you were thirteen.

- You wouldn't.

- We're staying at the Claudine.

Check us in, the sheets are fine.

(engine purring)

- Thank you. Good sir.

(door knocking)

(Werther yawning)

(footsteps clunking)

(Albert clearing throat)

- Whoa! - Sorry. Sorry.

Didn't mean to disturb you.

How are you feeling?

Night on the stoop must be hell on my lower back.

- I'm housed. I'm Werther.

- Werther? Werther!

- Oh. (Albert laughing)

- Oh, Charlotte told me all about you.

- Terrible things, I hope.

- Mostly, mostly.

She did say you're quite the dancer.

- Oh, ah, yeah, I'm sorry about that.

- Why?

Oh, she enjoyed herself.

I'm happy she had a nice time with friends old and new.

- Okay. Well good.

- There is something concerning me though.

- The joint. - What?

- Nothing. Go on.

- Well, Charlotte told me that Sissy has developed

something with a little crush on you.

- Sissy? - I don't know exactly

how old you are, but she is in high school.

- Oh no, she's, yeah, she's a child.

I would never, 100%.

- Good. - Oh good.

- Yeah. Good, good.

- My best friend Paul, he's 19.

And even him at times, I'm like, "Why do we hang out?"

Our moms is best friends is why, initially anyway.

And he just really gets me.

And I suppose I've always wanted a sibling, you know?

Only children are a little bit.

- Well, I'm glad you're a normal person.

- Well, let's not say terrible things,

but on this I swear I will be the perfect gentleman

toward Sissy.

- Well, you'll stay for brunch, I hope.

- Absolutely. - Any interest in helping

me fetch supplies?

- Sure. - Great.

- Perhaps I'll just pop in, quick a load-

- No, no, no, no,

Charlotte's taking her shower here.

(upbeat music)

(thumping) - What am I listening for here?

- Sort of dull thud.

(thumping)

- Oh yeah, where did you learn do that?

- My mother.

Your mother never brought you along to market?

- No.

- Oh.

- So I understand you practice law.

- Mm-hm.

Now, that old cliche, you can take the boy off the farm,

but then he just becomes a criminal lawyer

casually versed in watermelon ripeness.

- My uncle Blochstein's a lawyer.

- Mort Blochstein?

- You know him?

- Yeah, our firms occasionally cross paths.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

- Hold on.

- What? - That.

- Were you walking your own dog earlier?

- What is happening here?

- Just a spontaneous act of civics.

- That is so nice.

- We're all responsible for the state of our communities,

and our shoes.

- You really believe that?

The community's part?

- Yeah, I do.

- Well, I don't know how to politely ask

if I'm gonna be carrying all the groceries

all the way back to the house.

- You're asking for a trade then?

- I am not.

(door squeaking)

- Hello!

(footsteps clattering)

- Albert!

- Look who I found.

- Hello Werther.

- Hello Sissy.

(soothing music)

- I'll get started.

- This is Freddy.

He wants his tonsils out

because he thinks that means he'll get ice cream every meal

for the rest of his life.

- Fair. - And this is Toby.

Toby's not allowed to use the internet

with the door closed anymore, are you Toby?

- He won't remember our names anyway.

Can't we just go play PS5?

- Nobody plays video games anymore.

All the cool kids there playing 500 Up.

- What's 500 Up?

- Well, do you have a ball?

- Like, what a dog will play with?

- Yes.

(Werther & children laughing)

(soothing music)

(children laughing)

- Isn't he fun?

- Yeah, I like him.

Oh, and we had a very productive conversation about Sissy.

- Oh, good.

- Yeah. - Yeah.

(soothing music continues)

(phone beeping)

- Oh.

- [Werther] That was good. (talking indistinctly)

- Mm, these bagels are a revelation.

- Sissy. - What?

Nutella's delicious.

It's one of my top five, hazelnut-based cocoa spreads.

Albert, Charlotte.

- Oh, no, no, no, my chocolate days are over.

- So Albert, how did you and Charlotte meet?

- Charlotte's father was my mentor.

He was an incredible man.

I was visiting him at the hospital before.

- Albert helped with the arrangements.

- And then he proposed at the funeral.

- Oh. Anyway.

Yeah. I should be off.

- Johannssen today?

- Who's Johannssen?

- He's a client.

I'm representing his daughter.

Well, the whole family actually in a pro bono case.

- And it's not billable, so he does it during his off hours,

which I understand, I just wish-

- We meet on Sundays to discuss developments and strategy.

- Over skeet shooting. - Skeet shooting.

- With shotguns? - With shotguns.

- Yeah, Albert grew up on a farm.

That's why he has such nice arms.

- Sissy. - What? He bailed hay.

- I did bale hay.

I do have nice arms.

- So, what's the case?

- Well, Johannssen's daughter, Kit,

briefly dated a man named Matthew Mole.

And during that period, Mole was rent evicted.

And so she allowed him to temporarily move in,

but he didn't contribute to any of the household finances.

He refused to look for a job,

and then finally made a sexual advance

on one of Kit's best friends.

So Kit ended the relationship.

So now he's suing Kit for alimony.

- It's disgusting.

His lawyer's arguing that the pace of relationships

has changed and that living together

should be afforded the same protections

as common law marriage.

- Ugh, I'm never getting married.

How about you, Werther?

- Well, I haven't given him much thought.

- Well, before I leave,

Charlie.

- Holy shit.

- Oh, it's gorgeous.

- Happy birthday.

- Thank you.

(kiss smacking)

- Yeah, I have something for you too.

- I got it.

- Happy birthday.

You didn't have- - Is that a Dia Viari?

- Is it? Yeah.

I, yeah, I guess it is.

- Oh my God.

- What's a Dia Viari?

- A very, very important sculptor.

This is too much.

- I insist.

- Are you sure?

- Yeah, it's last owner was kind of a jerk, so.

- If you change your mind, I totally understand.

We only, I mean, we just met.

- Knowing that this is the best gift

you have ever received is enough for me.

Albert, if you need to get going,

I can help Charlotte with the dishes.

(water sloshing)

(glasses clinking)

(soothing music)

(soothing music continues)

- Is the dishwasher broken, or?

- You are not bringing that to camp?

- I sewed and designed it myself.

- Who's going to camp?

- My siblings?

Sissy goes every year and she knows that counselors

are supposed to set an example.

- If you are forcing me to go to camp,

you'll have to let me show off my work, and get a tan.

- You can get a decent tan while wearing something decent.

- What do you think, Werther?

- You're a talented designer

and your stitching is impeccable.

And second of all, I love camp.

Canoeing, marshmallows.

- You were the one all excited to go.

That was before the city got so interesting.

- You already committed to it.

Head counselor is great work experience.

What if I got a job in the city?

- Doing what?

- Something.

(footsteps clunking)

- Sorry. Sometimes.

- Hey, I went through my, you know,

obscenely revealing swimwear phase too, I get it.

- Is it terrible that I'm looking forward

to some free time this summer?

- To spend with Albert?

- He works so much.

The boards I'm on meet less frequently during the summer.

There's no major fundraising events until fall.

- Well, if I may be so bold,

can I suggest what you might do with some of your free time?

- Be so bold.

- Well, maybe we can be new best friends,

and hang out every day and just have the best time ever

with someone. - I've never had time for

a new best friend before.

- Is that a yes?

- What would it mean exactly?

- We'll figure it out as we go.

And whatever it ends up being,

it will definitely not be awkward.

- Oh, Werther!

Oh, he's perfect.

A worthy opponent.

Handsome like a 1960s astronaut, buys local organic produce.

But Charlotte must like me at least a little

because she didn't tell him about the joint.

She likes me, right?

- Is there an app that detects ejaculate,

even if it's dried?

- It's a clean hotel, Paul.

- It's a hotel, Werther.

- And her hands are so soft.

It's like some incredibly soft flower petal.

Imagine how soft her lips would be.

- Soft? - Like so soft.

And we've agreed to be best friends.

- Best?

I just canceled a train home

and agreed to stay in this disgusting hotel for you.

Ah! - Don't be needy, Paul.

It's unbecoming.

- You're the one who needed me, here,

and she's engaged to a guy you weirdly seem to like.

- I like him, sure, but if I had to choose who I like more,

me or him, I mean, I love me.

- Forget about this girl, hmm?

Go to Europe.

Meet someone else.

(Spray bottle spraying)

- No.

- Where's your mother's horse?

- Well, I'd rather talk about all the fun things

I'm planning to do with Charlotte over the next few weeks.

- Where is the horse, Werther?

- I mean, you'll come with us, of course.

- Cities are cesspools. I'm staying in until this

mania passes and we can leave.

The horse, where is it?

- Horse?

- Werther.

(upbeat music)

- Your friend didn't wanna come?

- Oh Paul. He hates culture.

No, you are not gonna date it

from the moment you started working.

You're gonna date it when you release it.

- No, what? Why?

- Because that's when it was completed. I don't know.

(upbeat music)

(faint talking and laughing)

(Werther and Charlotte laughing)

- Hale-Bopp Comet!

- Yes!

- Maltese tarragon.

- Fresh Maltese tarragon.

(upbeat music continues)

- Buff.

Charlotte Buff.

- Expecto Patronum!

- Whoa!

(upbeat music continues)

- Which baby animal do you think is the cutest?

- Chimpanzee, clearly.

- Chimpanzee. No, no.

It's a baby aardvark, clearly.

- Baby aardvarks look like

uncircumcised penises.

- That's what I said, cute.

- Well, apparently having no work experience

or degree makes getting a job difficult.

- Maybe it's what you're applying to.

- Albert said aim high.

- And so you should, but if I may, what,

what interests you most?

- I don't know.

Clothes, does that sound stupid?

- Not at all.

(upbeat music continues)

- I have a lot of experience with sewing,

so I'm good with that stuff.

If you need anything, I can take things to the cleaners.

I can do anything.

I'm just really excited to be here.

(upbeat music continues)

- Werther?

- Yes, Charlotte,

- Can I read something of yours?

- Oh no, no, no, no, no.

- Is it because you are actually illiterate?

- It's because I'm unhappy

with everything I've ever completed,

and I avoid starting and completing most other things.

Because I secretly think I will never be as good

as the authors whose work I admire.

- That was remarkably self-aware.

- I'm uncomfortable now. - Imagine how I feel

to be seen with an insecure man in a park.

- I feel very vulnerable.

- Oh, you're making it worse.

- You know, I probably need to be kissed.

Well, if you're not going to ease

my incapacitating vulnerability with your lips and tongue,

then the very least you can do is tell me

something equally intense about yourself.

- Should I?

- You should.

- I've had more fun in the past three weeks

than I've had since becoming a mother of six.

(soothing music)

- Really and truly?

- You ever do write something you feel comfortable sharing,

I'd love to see it.

(soothing music continues)

- I'm trying to read here.

No. - No, no, that way is better.

- This is the, this is this. (Charlotte laughing)

(soothing music continues)

(Werther yelling in the distance)

(people laughing and screaming)

(soothing music continues)

- Hey, there. - Hey, girl.

What are your thoughts on day drinking tomorrow?

My thoughts are yes, and we are.

- On a Wednesday?

Don't you have like a herpes research fundraiser

to plan or something?

- It's too late, everyone already has it.

- Oh yeah.

(yelling in background)

- I get it.

- Get what? - This whole a thing.

Look, I don't blame you.

Albert's steady, loving, safe.

Werther's like this weird unpredictable adventure.

- We're friends, we're hanging out.

- Hey, zero judgment.

To me you're exploring personal freedom.

Even if it's just an emotional affair.

It's exciting. I support it.

- I mean, yes,

I feel a kinship, connection

connection of a sort.

Even if there is something there,

maybe it's not about him specifically.

Maybe he's like a conduit, talisman.

- Exploring desire is personal and healthy, life is long.

You're a goddamned saint, you deserve a little stimulation.

- With Albert and everything.

I mean, is that okay?

Do you think? - It's okay?

It's okay to do whatever you want with whoever you want.

You just have to be prepared for the consequences.

(Werther shouting)

- Anyway, we're just friends.

- You look at all your friends like that?

- Why don't you let her read that YA story

about the teenage robots that conquer humanity.

Then get really bored.

- Albert taught me to grill a perfect steak the other day.

Did I tell you that?

High heat and then low, that's the trick.

You only flip it once.

- Is your crush on him or her?

- What is that supposed to mean?

- How was the sample sale, by the way?

Where do people change at those things?

Is everyone just nude?

- This weird thing happened.

(clothes hangers rattling) (soothing music)

It makes me feel like a flammable Guinea pig.

- It should. You are?

Oh, that's lovely.

- Oh. - When in Rome?

- Oh no.

- All right, oh, come here.

All right, go up there.

Go, go, go.

- Oh. Sorry.

- [Charlotte] How does it look?

- Terrible.

(soothing music continues)

- You little mouse.

Get away from me, you little muskrat.

- Um, Werther.

- Um, Charlotte?

- The zipper is stuck.

- What? - Zipper! Stuck.

- Right.

(soothing music continues)

Right.

Oh, sorry, if I had pliers, I could,

- Just grab the pliers in my purse.

- You got pliers in your purse?

- Charlotte's telling a little joke.

- She's making just a little one.

- A little one.

All right.

Yeah, I don't know what to do here.

- Use your teeth.

- All right.

Ah, yeah.

(soothing music)

(Charlotte gasping)

(soothing music continues)

(Charlotte gasping)

(zipper scraping)

(soothing music continues)

(Charlotte gasping)

(curtain clattering) (body thumping)

- You're buying that.

- Yeah (stammering)

- The zipper...

we're trying to...

(upbeat music)

- [Werther] We held hands, Paul.

While running, it is the most intimate thing

one person can do.

- Putting your mouth on her butt wasn't intimate?

- No, that was routine mouth butt.

But the running though with the hands.

(music playing)

- And then this other thing happened.

We treated ourselves to gelato.

Charlotte wanted to take one to Albert.

I did not, I just wanted to hold hands again.

No, we probably shouldn't bother him.

- He's gonna love it.

- Okay.

(upbeat music continues)

- Hello Miss Buff, how are you?

No, he's with the boss.

- [Werther] He was supposedly busy, but who chooses work

of the grandest achievement in all of Italian cuisine?

- [Paul] Adults with the most basic sense of responsibility?

- Is everything okay?

Is it the kids camp?

I told them not to give Freddy a compound bow, what?

- Yeah, Albert did not love it.

- Oh, what's going on, ice cream?

- Ice cream. - And Charlotte tried

to explain that, that we were just there for fun.

And that your brain actually performs better

with regular breaks and serotonin promotion.

- a fun activity.

- Can we talk for a second?

Would you excuse me for a moment, sorry.

Can we talk. Come here.

Charlotte and I need a moment.

- And then he flipped out.

(phone ringing)

(phone ringing)

(Albert clearing throat)

- [Albert] So sorry about that.

(gelato cracking)

- It was too perfect.

I realized in that exact moment

how I'm going to win Charlotte away.

What next?

- Probably just go home.

- Now, Albert cares about his work a lot, you know that.

- I'm not saying he shouldn't.

I love that he's passionate, it's just.

- You wish he was that passionate about you?

You wish he was that passionate about you.

- So, you're going to a shooting range with Albert.

- Mm-hm. - After basically telling

his fiance he cares more about his work than her?

- Mm-hm.

- He will shoot you with his shotgun.

- In the face are in the back?

- Face.

- Pull! (gun banging)

(upbeat music) (gun banging)

Yes.

- You'd be amazing at murder.

- Possibly, though clay pigeons

don't really scream out their name at you

in an effort to make you recognize their humanity.

You're up.

- Yes.

- Okay. Simple.

- Huh? - You're just gonna

shoot right ahead of the target, yeah?

All right. Pull!

Werther?

Safety.

- Oh.

(upbeat music continues)

- [Albert] There you go.

- All right. Okay.

You ready? And pull!

(shot banging)

(Werther groaning)

- You all right?

- Is this the starter size?

- We got some 20 gauge short barrel Remington 870s

for ladies and children.

- That's perfect.

Ah. - Come on.

- Yeah. All right.

- Pull it!

- Just pull.

- Release the pigeons!

- Close.

(shot banging) (upbeat music continues)

(shot banging)

(shot banging)

- Yeah! (shot banging)

- No, no, no, no, no, no.

Point it that way.

Let's put it down.

(upbeat music continues)

Good. Good.

- Sorry. - Good.

- My first time.

- Fun, right?

(upbeat music continues)

(water trickling)

- There's a new sushi place on Harvard.

What do you think?

- Delivery?

- You wanna go to a movie tonight?

- I don't think I'll have the time.

- Sunday matinee, walk in the park?

Any indication whatsoever that you wanna spend time with me?

- Mm-hm.

- Albert,

do you love me?

- I am sorry.

I've neglected you. I know.

It's just, I took Werther out earlier today, okay?

And I've fallen behind in work, that's all.

- You took Werther out today?

- Yeah. Shooting.

He'd never been. You wouldn't believe it.

He ended up with a Remington 870.

And can you imagine? (giggles)

(footsteps clunking)

(Werther and Charlotte shouting and laughing)

(soothing music)

- We were just- - Flirting, bantering,

smiling, laughing.

You were touching each other thinking nobody would notice.

We don't touch each other.

- I know that it's stupid that I like him.

But you have Albert, you're being stupid too.

You're getting married.

(door squeaking) (soothing music)

(cars honking)

(soothing music continues)

(Charlotte panting)

- So did Albert tell you about all the pie shaped

pieces of clay we bested in single combat?

- I heard you had to use a lady gun.

- Mm. I mean, who knew shotguns

came in so many fetching colors, it's quite remarkable.

- How did that make you feel?

- Like a big, strong woman?

Something, something's the matter?

- I think it's for the best...

- If we ran away to Portugal, 100%.

Praia Da Rocha is the most beautiful beach in Europe.

I will personally book the flights.

- Werther, just don't make this worse than it already is.

- What you want to do? Do you wanna hold hands again?

Did you, do you wanna hold hands with a baby chimpanzee?

Because I'm the most adorable of all baby animals.

I use sticks to dig into termite mounds. Hoo hoo!

I sleep in tree nest with a minimum diameter of 16 feet.

And I think Jane Goodall, she ruined me for all other

chimp women, except for this one in Toronto

with these bewitching hazel eyes.

And baby aardvarks, they look like uncircumcised penises.

And if you- (glasses clinking)

(kissing) (soothing music)

- Oh my God.

I have to go.

(footsteps clunking) (soothing music continues)

- Paul!

(door banging)

My heart is exploding!

Over and over to the beat of Gary Glitter's

"Rock and Roll Part 2",

while every one of Zeus's laser bolts

soar directly from heaven into my spine, through my veins,

and out of my eyes, she kissed me, Paul.

- Who, Charlotte? - She put her mouth

on my mouth and fucking kissed me with it

because she loves me back, Paul.

She loves me back.

She loves me!

- You were right. And I'm sorry.

And I need your help.

(typewriter clicking)

(typewriter beeping)

(typewriter clicking)

(typewriter rattling)

(typewriter clicking)

(typewriter beeping)

(typewriter clicking and beeping)

(typewriter clicking and beeping)

(papers rustling)

(soothing music)

(soothing music continues)

(papers rustling)

(book thumping)

- It's good. - Yeah?

- Did Charlotte really shove a model who smiled at you?

- It's based on a true story, Paul.

Based.

- Just because she kissed you

doesn't mean she's gonna leave Albert.

- Of course it does, Paul.

Of course it does.

(toy clicking) (door knocking)

(birds chirping)

- [Charlotte] Hi, you've reached Charlotte.

Please leave your name and number.

(soothing music)

(phone ringing)

Hi, you've reached Charlotte.

Please leave your name and number.

(soothing music continues) (phone ringing)

Hi, you've reached Charlotte.

Please leave your name and number.

Hi, you've reached Charlotte.

Please leave your name and number.

Hi, you've reached Charlotte.

Please leave your name and number.

Hi, you've reached Charlotte, please.

Hi, you've reached Charlotte.

Hi, you've reached Charlotte. (thunder roaring)

Please leave, Charlotte, please leave your name.

You've reached Charlotte,

please, reached Charlotte.

Hi, you've reached Charlotte.

Please, you've reached Charlotte.

You've reached Charlotte.

(somber music) (thunder roaring)

- Why won't she call me back?

- We could be evacuating.

- You think she died?

- We're gonna die. Look outside.

- If she's dead, I want to die.

- Over a crush?

- She is not a crush, she's my forever love

of inimitable pureness.

And I feel physically revoltingly ill

that I can't get hold of her.

Can you understand that, Paul?

- Not really. - Okay.

Imagine I hid that industrial sized bottle

of hand sanitizer you sleep with,

And no matter where you looked, you couldn't find it.

- I probably, I probably cut off my hands.

- Exactly, Charlotte's absence

makes me want to cut off my hands.

- Okay, I have an idea.

- Cut off my hands?

- Let's both take a Xanax.

Tomorrow we'll find Charlotte together.

- Go into the cesspool.

- I'll enter the cesspool.

(thunder roaring)

(banging on door)

- Nobody home.

Nobody home.

- Do you happen to know where they are?

- Wedding.

- What did she say?

- Wedding?

(soothing music)

- Who's wedding?

(soothing music continues)

- Maybe, maybe they're making a short film.

Is that Charlotte?

She really is beautiful.

(door squeaking) (soothing music continues)

- Hi, Werther. Who's this?

- I'm Paul, Werther's best friend.

- I like your mask.

- It keeps bacteria and airborne terror agents

from enter my lungs and then bloodstream.

- Can I try it? - No.

(soothing music continues)

- Do you wanna get a drink inside, Paul?

They're not ID-ing.

- Do you think they have a bottled water?

- Just come on.

(soothing music continues)

- You knew we were getting married.

- I didn't know when.

- You never asked.

Albert is,

he's such a good man.

- And I'm what? The bad guy.

- This isn't about you.

I can't,

I can't mess up everything in my life.

I have responsibilities, we have a family.

I keep missing board meetings.

- Board meetings?

I'm incredible with kids, like ask any child.

Like ask this one. Hey, hey!

I'm- - I love him.

- You kissed me.

- Sorry.

I shouldn't have.

- Oh, there he is.

Charlotte said that you wouldn't be able to make it.

Hi.

I'm so happy you're here.

- Congratulations, Albert.

- Ah.

- But I'm in love with Charlotte.

So you can see how this is a little awkward for me.

- Hey.

- Probably not for you.

It's a great goddamn suit.

(somber music)

(somber music continues)

(Werther groaning)

(somber music continues)

(door clicking)

(door banging)

- Good morning.

- How are you doing?

- Splendid.

Do you ever read these pro suicide emo newsletters?

- You're not thinking of killing yourself over some girl?

- Of course not, what is this? 18th century Germany?

I'm, it's just these really speak to me right now.

This love is our weapon girl.

It's like we're the exact same person.

- Okay.

- Where were you, anyway?

- With Sissy.

- Holy shit.

- We talked all night, she's afraid of bats too.

We kissed twice and-

- Twice, Paul. That is great.

- I get it now, I totally understand

where you're coming from

with this whole Charlotte obsession thing.

- Love is the best, right?

- It's so nice.

- See what Sissy and you have

is what Charlotte and I are going to have.

- Charlotte's married now.

That's, that's pretty off the market.

- It's not like she's pregnant or anything.

Nobody weeps at the end of a childless marriage, it's-

- Werther. - It's like quitting

a terrible job, and even better if you have a new,

frankly more fun job to move on to.

- How do you know you have a better job for her?

- I don't, but I just do.

- What?

- What if I got a job?

- I've been saying that for months.

- It's his only main advantage.

You know, if she wants someone who can take care

of a family, I'm going to get a job.

And then I'm going to get the girl.

- You sound ridiculous, and what,

how are you just gonna go and get a job?

(uncle laughing)

(dramatic music)

- This is my new paralegal.

A very clever boy.

What was noteworthy in the decision

in Lovejoy versus Pinkerton?

- It established a woman's right to carry a concealed baton

in any region of southern Louisiana.

- You primed him, Blochstein.

- David, I'm hurt.

How was I to know you'd throw case law at the boy?

- Your new position affords you access

to amenities level one.

Billard room, espresso nook, and in-house barbering.

No full cuts.

Just hot towel and trim.

(files thumping) - Dearest Charlotte,

I hope you're well.

I've recently secured a promising career,

and I was wondering if you'd like to join me

for marshmallow gelato at some point this week.

I'm free later today and most of tomorrow, but I'm flexible.

Let me know, yours professionally, W.

(upbeat music)

(upbeat music continues)

- Holy shit.

- Thank you.

(upbeat music continues)

- [Attorney 1] That shit's genius.

Getting alimony from a girl you've been hooking up

with for a couple months.

I'd accept alimony from Jen.

- [Attorney 2] Yeah, well she was real cruel to you, man.

- [Attorney 1] Anyway, I wonder if it'll work again.

- You guys talking Matthew Mole?

- Yeah, bro. - That works.

That'll be like, what, like?

- Like the fourth time.

- Right? Yeah.

The fourth time.

- Yeah, and the girls' family always pay him off.

McLusky pocket's a pretty sweet commission.

(soothing music)

(door squeaking)

(door banging)

- [Charlotte] Hi Werther, congrats on the new job.

Paul must be very proud.

As for gelato, I'm planning mine and Albert's honeymoon

for after the Johannssen case is over.

And that's taking up a lot of my time.

Oh, and if you wanna update your contacts,

it's Charlotte Wrightly now .

(liquor trickling)

- She took Albert's name.

Can you believe that?

It is like the woman's liberation movement never happened.

What are you doing?

- I'm going home.

- You can't, I haven't yet won Charlotte's heart.

- Charlotte's heart.

Do you know how pathetic you sound?

- You are in a mood. - Yeah. Yeah.

I'm in a bit of a mood.

Albert caught me with Sissy.

- Great.

- Albert chase me out before I could put on a shirt.

(ladies shouting)

- Well, that sounds kind of fun.

- And it doesn't matter anyway because,

whatever.

- 'Cause what?

- Because I get the feeling that her crush on you

isn't completely gone.

- What makes you say that?

- Does Werther ever talk about me?

- You know what your problem is?

You don't recognize all the good things

you have in your life.

- What do I have that's so good, Paul?

I'm heartbroken. - Heartbroken.

She's a girl. One girl.

And even if Charlotte never talked to you again,

you'd still have your charm, a wealthy family.

The ability to just go out and get a job

you're not qualified for any-

- I've been killing at work.

- I'm sure you have.

I actually truly believe that.

You're smart, you're capable.

You could do anything, but you focus on what you don't have

or can't have, like me refusing to go to stupid Europe.

- Oh, we're gonna have so much fun.

- You're unbelievable.

- Why are you so angry?

- Charlotte's only the latest example

of your insane selfishness.

You could have some other girl who likes books

and music and quirky impulsiveness.

But it has to be, Charlotte.

Always has to be exactly what you want when you want it.

So frustrating, Werther you're so incredibly frustrating,

and I'm sick of listening to you complain.

- Paul. (suitcase clanking)

- I'm going home. - Go on then.

(footsteps clunking)

(door squeaking)

(door banging)

(cue balls breaking)

- Big night tonight.

The gala, you're going, no?

- Oh, no.

- Come on, every lawyer in town will be there.

You know, you look like shit.

- It's a bad, bad week.

- You wanna talk about it?

- Not really. - Good.

(cue balls breaking)

- Am I a selfish person?

No. I'm just wondering.

Do I deserve love?

- Ooh, this is heavy.

I think this might be a moment

when I should share some poignant life advice.

- You don't have to.

- Hey, did I ever tell you

that you should never wear condoms?

- You mentioned that.

- So, you adore this one with all your heart?

- Hm.

- She loves your back?

- Well, she's recently married to a great guy.

- Ah, I see.

If you really care for her,

do something nice for the both of them.

Something they'll truly appreciate.

Then move on.

(upbeat music)

(Werther whistling)

(door banging)

(papers rustling)

(upbeat music continues)

(camera clicking)

(upbeat music continues)

(papers rustling)

(people talking indistinctly)

(Albert clearing throat)

(footsteps clunking)

- Werther. - Albert.

Listen, maybe I owe you an apology.

Maybe you owe me one, I don't know.

The past is the past, but what I have in my hands here is,

it is the future and it is,

it is more important than who is right and wrong

in regards to the whole Charlotte situation.

- Yeah, I couldn't even begin to guess what that is.

- So, you know, you spend all your free time

on the Kit Johansen suit.

- I spent some of my time on it, yes.

- Well, I got a job at Blochstein, Letcher and Wormdon.

- What did you say?

- Yep, the lead on the suit is-

- No, no. Stop Werther.

Werther you can't- - No, no, you-

- Stop, I cannot be hearing, I cannot be hearing any-

- Albert, it's.

Albert, I-

- Well, well, well. Well, Werther.

You just turn up everywhere, don't you?

Let me guess, you're looking for Charlotte.

- I'm actually here for Albert.

- Leave them alone. - I will after I-

- At first I thought this was cute.

The sweet, strange guy making my best girl feel wanted.

But this, not cute.

This is stalkery.

- I'm not a stalker, I love her.

- That is the number one thing stalkers say.

- Isn't it also the number one thing people in love say?

(upbeat music continues)

Ah!

(glasses clinking)

- How many other girls have you been relentlessly pursuing

in the city?

- None. - I don't believe you.

You're a narcissistic lethario.

You're telling me if any moderately attractive woman here

dragged you into the washroom, you wouldn't (tongue clicks)?

- Hypothetically, it's a tricky thought experiment.

Physically, I'm very lonely, I feel rejected.

Maybe, maybe I find it comforting

or maybe I just feel worse.

- I knew it.

- You knew what? I was equivocating.

Anyway, the only person I want to join in the bathroom,

excuse me- - Werther. Werther.

Werther. - I am trying,

the only person I wanna join in the bathroom is, excuse me.

- Werther. Wer- - I. Oh!

- You're avoiding conversation.

This is textbook situational avoidance.

(upbeat music continues)

- Oh, her? Me?

No, no. Not what you're-

- Every time there's something about you.

- Honestly, honestly, not what you're thinking.

I just, I'm just- - Stop, stop, stop.

No, Werther. - Put this here.

No, no, no. - I'm gonna leave this here.

- No, no. Werther!

Gosh, Werther. - No, just-

- Look, I am sure that you have no idea how serious this is,

but I am not about to risk getting disbarred because of-

- I'm just gonna leave- - Whatever it is

that you have in your hand. - And then we'll talk

about it together.

Trust me. Trust me. (Albert sighs)

Trust me. (sighs)

(soothing music)

Hey, Charlotte.

- Hello Werther.

- Yeah, I mean, you replied right away.

- What do you- - Oh, I know.

After you didn't reply to my email,

I thought maybe my job wasn't good enough

and paralegal's not make enough money, is that it?

- What are you talking about?

- I got a job to provide for you, and for Sissy,

and the, the other ones, yeah.

- Do you not know my siblings' names?

- It was like a 100, I dunno.

No, you're right. - Wait, what do you,

what do you mean provide for us?

- Say you choose me.

(soothing music continues)

- I'm sorry. - You know, you-

- I'm sorry if I ever gave you the impression that-

- You kissed me and don't tell me

you haven't been reliving it, thinking about it.

It never feels this way, but it did.

It did this time and I.

(footsteps clunking)

(soothing music continues)

You know what your life is gonna be?

You alone in that house waiting for Albert

to get home from work, and when he does get home from work,

waiting for him to finish work, which he won't ever finish.

I love you.

I love you but you are gonna wither away while you wait

and hope for him to change.

He's gonna disappoint you.

He's gonna continue disappointing you

because he's not your dad.

- You're an asshole.

Leave. - The party?

- The city.

- But I live here.

I work here, I've taken up permanent residence.

And besides the only way that I would ever leave

is if I thought you hated my face.

You never thought we had any fun together.

You didn't once think that we might have

an incredibly amazing future together?

- We never had any fun together.

You're juvenile and you're pretentious.

I only humored you because I was bored.

Of course, we wouldn't have a future of any sort together

because I've already chosen my future,

and it's 10 times the man you are in every respect.

Not only do I hate your face,

I hate the look it gets when you think

you've said something clever.

Your provincial attempts at wit probably charm the mother

who pays your way and the girls back in Westmount.

So if you care about your ego

as much as we both know you do,

I don't see any reason for you not to return to Montreal

and have it stroked by someone else.

(footsteps clunking)

- Were you guys in the washroom together?

- No I was with Werther.

Albert just happened to be in there peeing.

You were with Werther?

- Yeah, he said he was - No.

- physically lonely and that hypothetically

would be comforting to hook up.

- No. Hey! - I was calling him out on it.

- Context, this is not- - Albert, is it true?

- Yeah, I mean, I saw them in the bathroom together.

- So you love me?

- Werther.

Is this the girl you've been stepping without a condom?

- No. No. What was sort of I- - Excuse me.

- God, I hate condoms.

- Everybody does.

- What, where did you get that?

Uh. - Oh, well, well, I,

well, I figured since Blochstein, Letcher and Wormdon

is a firm that clearly doesn't have any morals,

it couldn't be that unethical to let the defense know

that our client has done this apartment alimony scam

with three other women, so.

- Oh, you are so fired.

- Rightly with the "W?"

Wanna make sure I spell it correctly

on my note to the bar?

- Leave Albert alone, he, he wouldn't even look at it.

He, he, he didn't look at it.

- Oh, but he knows now, doesn't he?

- Have to mention that for presiding judge?

I wonder how that will affect the suit.

- Oh, I- - I never want to see you again.

(soothing music continues) (footsteps clunking)

(file rustling)

(soothing music continues)

(door knocking)

(door squeaking)

- Yeah. Hello.

(footsteps clunking)

(Werther barfing)

(water sloshing)

What?

Hmm?

I was only trying to.

- Okay, I know you're right.

Or whatever.

It's over.

Oh, I should apologize?

Me?

I'm pretty sure that,

I should,

I should

apologize.

(soothing music)

Melanie. Don't hang up.

I need to find them.

I need to apologize face to face and then I will,

I will be out of their lives forever.

Why? Why should you?

Arguably, you sort of owe me for your mis-characterization

of my intention that the gala, but no,

but if you are truly Charlotte's friend,

don't you want her to have the,

the emotional closure that only a sober,

truly heartfelt apology can provide?

At their country home?

Yeah. Thank you.

(door clicking)

- Huh? (laughs)

Of course.

(footsteps clunking)

(glass clinking)

(footsteps clunking)

- Came to apologize. (liquor trickling)

Is Albert around?

It's actually for him too.

And I don't mean to oversell,

but it's gonna be fairly magnanimous.

- Albert can go to hell.

Trial's on hold, which means the honeymoon,

which was already postponed, is also on hold.

Client's the priority, right?

When he suggested coming up here,

I thought he actually wanted to spend some time

alone with me, but no.

- Why else?

- Hunting in the park with Mr. Johannssen,

discussing next steps, same old shit.

Drink?

- You're kind of the worst jerk, you know?

But if we were a thing,

you'd always put me first, wouldn't you?

- I think I would, Mrs. Wrightly.

But when I think about us

and I think about

what it would be.

I don't think I'm a husband,

or a father, you know?

Breadwinner or- - Who says you have to be.

- But the way Albert loves you,

he's a better person than me.

He cares about you, he cares about other people.

- Shh.

Do you love me?

- No, he loves you too.

More, better.

- You treat me better.

- For now, but I'm selfish,

stupid.

Super shit on so many things.

I'm like the anti-Albert.

- You're a good person.

- Thank you.

You wanted the trial to be over, didn't you?

For me?

- Yeah, um.

- Which bit is it at?

- "Don't tell me I'm not sensitive to beauty.

That's my achilles heel.

And don't you forget it.

To me, everything is beautiful.

Show me a pink sunset and I'm limp.

By God, anything, Peter Pan.

Oh my God, damn puddle of tears.

You have the gall to tell me I am-

(soothing music)

(kiss smacking)

(soothing music continues)

(Charlotte breathing heavily)

(soothing music continues)

(kisses smacking)

(Charlotte sighing)

(kisses smacking)

- So soft.

(soothing music continues)

(soothing music continues)

(kisses smacking)

(soothing music continues)

- I'll just be a second.

(soothing music continues)

(soothing music continues)

(thunder roaring)

(rain pattering) (thunder roaring)

- Albert!

Albert!

Albert!

Albert!

- Sh!

- I'm sorry, sorry, sorry.

I'm, I'm the worst. I'm the worst.

I know you're here with Mr. Johannssen, man.

How is he?

Where is he?

- He didn't feel like coming.

- But you told Charlotte.

- Well, I wanted some time alone

so that I could picture your face on the side of this stag.

- Funny.

Wait, are you actually picturing my face

as a hunting target?

What's the difference between this and a shotgun?

(shot banging) Oh!

- Geez, I,

what the hell are you doing?

- I think - Give me that!

- I thought there was a,

- I thought there was a safety.

Are you drunk?

- I'm like high school drunk. - Oh my God.

At first you do irreparable damage

to a case I've been working on for two years.

And now you show up here drunk, scare away my deer.

- You are more concerned about your deer

and your stupid case than you are about Charlotte.

- I'm going to find another blind.

- Albert.

(thunder roaring)

Albert!

Albert. We need closure!

- I don't need anything.

- You do, or at least I do.

Please.

You know, textbook situational avoidance.

You know, you are literally running away from your problems.

(leaves rustling)

Albert! (somber music)

Albert! (rain pattering)

Albert!

(thunder roaring)

(somber music continues) (rain pattering)

(somber music continues) (rain pattering)

(shot banging)

- Werther!

(somber music)

Werther!

Werther!

(somber music continues)

- Ow. - Werther.

- I've been shot.

- There's something very wrong with you.

- Yeah, well, I needed to talk with you.

Now we're talking.

Well, in retrospect, this was a terrible idea.

- You barely even shot yourself.

- It was scary. - It was stupid.

- The thought was stupid.

Oh God, it really hurts.

- Good. - Ow! Geez.

It's not very nice.

- Yeah?

Says the guy pursuing my wife.

- And I ruined your big court case,

and I scared away your deer.

- You are easily one of the strangest people I've ever met.

- You were one of the best people I've ever met.

I mean, I love Charlotte.

I love her.

And you knew that, you know it.

You were still kind to me,

and you should have punched me in the nose

a minimum of three times by now.

- You're a very interesting guy

that's why I was very fond of you, so.

- No, see Albert,

this is what I need to talk to you about.

Yeah, I think you should know that I have made out

with Charlotte twice, and I'm pretty sure

we almost just had sex in your bed.

Except she was too drunk, and I had an epiphany.

So clean slate.

- What?

- You can't let someone like me

weasel my way in there with her?

unless you spend time with her

and make her feel like you care

and do fun things with her,

she will find herself another Werther.

- I'm pretty sure there's not another Werther.

- Well, you know what I mean? He won't be as handsome and

charming, but he will be there

when you are not.

And don't get me wrong, she's,

she's good.

She's an angel and she will hate herself

if she cheats on you.

Really like sending an innocent Kansas farm boy to war.

He comes back changed

in this really weird and depressing way.

You won't recognize her.

I won't recognize her.

I guess what I'm saying is don't turn Charlotte

into a war stained Kansas farm boy, Albert.

But this tree smells weird.

- It's a linden tree, it's an oak.

Smells like cum.

- Yes it does. (thunder roaring)

- Okay.

(fist thumping) - Oh, Jesus.

You're hitting a man with a debilitating gut drop move.

- Don't worry, I'm gonna call 911.

(fist thumping) - Oh!

Ow, ow, ow.

(somber music)

Ow. (panting)

(somber music continues)

(thunder roaring)

Hi Paul.

It's Werther.

Sitting under a linden tree.

Just a type of oak apparently,

kind of smells like lukewarm ejaculate .

(somber music continues)

(wheelchair clattering)

(somber music continues)

(upbeat music)

(upbeat music continues)

(keyboard clicking)

(upbeat music continues)

Hi Charlotte. It's Werther.

I know it's been a while. I wanted to call and make sure

you received your birthday gift,

which reminds me, I'm sorry I took back the Dia Viari ,

but it wasn't really mine to give.

You might be glad to know that since my mother got it back,

she and her sister have made up.

In fact, my mom and dad and aunt and uncle Blochstein

are all going to the Kentucky Derby together this year

to wear anachronistic hats and get shitfaced on juleps.

(upbeat music continues)

Paul's well too.

He's been practicing mindful yoga and-

(phone beeping)

Sorry, your voicemail got cut off.

Anyway, I sent you a copy of my memoir.

It's kind of shallow and self-indulgent,

and my publisher made me make the ending

a little more dramatic, sort of "Romeo and Juliet."

If I can't have her then I can't go on thing.

But I'd love to hear what you think.

(soothing music)

I apologize in advance if the sex scene seemed gratuitous.

But tasteful for the most part.

And there are only six of them, I think ,

unless you count the chapter with the topless handjob

at the sample sale, which I don't.

(soothing music continues)

Anyway, I,

I think about you and Albert often,

and I wonder how you doing.

- You ready? - Mm.

- Let's go.

(soothing music continues)

- [Werther] Call me some time, will you?

(soothing music continues)

(people talking indistinctly)

(Werther breathing)

(Werther and Paul laughing)

(singing in foreign language)

(upbeat music continues) (singing in foreign language)

(upbeat music continues) (singing in foreign language)

(upbeat music continues) (singing in foreign language)

(upbeat music continues) (singing in foreign language)

(upbeat music continues)

(upbeat music ends)