Original subtitles

Thank you for being a friend

Travelled down the road and back again

Your heart is true

You’re a pal and a confidante

And if you threW a party

Invited everyone you knew

You would see the biggest gift would be from me

And the card attached would say

"Thank you for being a friend"

Ma, what are you doing?

Filling sandbags, Dorothy. There's a hurricane a-coming.

Girls, guess what? You know that

Save the McKinley Lighthouse campaign I've been talking about?

No.

I just got the television station

to give me eight hours of air time for the telethon.

You could sign me up. I would love to help.

Gloria is coming here?

I wish I knew why you two didn't get along.

I just don't understand it. For some reason,

you've always been jealous of my good daughter.

-She has no money? -Not a dime.

Yes!

Dr Halperin is really working wonders with Stan.

You know, he's gotten him to transfer his love for me to a fake monkey.

Hi. It's me, Stan.

For once, everything is going well.

My sister is in my life. Stan is out of my life.

I'm not even going to see him for two whole years.

Everything is perfect.

Dorothy? Dorothy, are you okay?

What a dream.

I dreamt that you and Stan were in bed together.

Isn't that silly?

I mean, my loving sister and the man I despise most.

Oh, God, the nightmare continues!

How could you do this? How could you do this to me?

Dorothy, there's a hurricane a-coming.

Fierce winds and driving rains.

Who knows what's gonna happen to all of us?

I felt scared and vulnerable.

Stan, you big, bald girl.

Look, I know it's wrong, but I was confused.

So I called Dr Halperin, he's coming over right away.

-This is all my fault. -No, it's my fault.

Maybe it's my fault. I mean, who goes to their room

in the middle of the day without knocking?

Pussycat, you've come to. Boy, it wasn't easy getting you in here.

Stan took your head, Gloria took your legs.

I haven't heard such heavy breathing since...

Well, since before you passed out.

-Ma, please! -Come on.

When I said that to Stan, he laughed so hard

he dropped you.

Ma, you sound happy about this.

I am. This is wonderful. Your sister found a man.

I don't believe this. All the years I was with him he was a yutz.

She goes to bed with him and it's great?

That's right. He was wrong for you.

-He's perfect for her. -Ma, that's ridiculous.

Look, Gloria isn't the kind of woman that does well by herself.

She's the kind of woman who needs a rich man to buy her things

and make her feel special.

And what kind of woman am I?

The kind who should live with her mother.

-Come in, Doctor. -Oh, Dorothy.

-Hello, Dorothy. -Carol, this isn't a good time.

Well, you know me. When is it a good time?

Besides, I'm with him. We were on a date when you beeped him.

What? You two are seeing each other?

You know, for years my father's been telling me to see a psychiatrist.

I couldn't understand why.

And then a couple of weeks ago, it dawned on me.

He probably meant socially.

Oh, it's wonderful. They really listen.

She really talks.

Nice robe.

Why don't I put you down for an extra session this week?

Look, Carol, it's nice to see you,

but this is really a rather personal matter.

Don't worry, Richie tells me about all his cases.

That isn't true, is it, Richie?

Don't worry. I tell her things in very general terms,

and I make up wild, crazy names for my patients,

so there's no way she could know who I was talking about.

-Yeah, but nevertheless... -Oh, my God. I'm in the way.

I can go in the kitchen. Why don't I go in the kitchen?

You know, I used to worry that I would miss something,

but that was before Richie.

He's making me so unneurotic.

Don't talk about me. It'll kill me.

So, kids, what's going on?

Well, Doc, I have some news.

I sort of slept with Dorothy's sister.

Hey, you're off the monkey. Mazel tov.

-Oh, my God. -What is it?

You're Dan and Morothy.

Wild and crazy names?

Carol, this is a different Dan and Morothy.

You mean these aren't the two nuts who couldn't stop seeing each other?

Dan, a sex-crazed nudnik with occasional performance problems,

and Morothy, a domineering tyrant who totally emasculated him?

No more calls. We have a winner.

I can't believe this. An hour ago, my life was perfect.

I was finally rid of Dan, I felt good about my sister being back,

and now this. How am I supposed to cope with this?

Believe me, Dorothy, it won't happen again.

Right. It was a mistake. I didn't mean to hurt you.

Okay, we had a slip up here.

But better in the first two years of the separation than later.

Stan, you have to try again.

Dorothy, if you need to talk about how you feel,

I'm always here for you.

And half price, because of the Dan and Morothy thing.

Carol, come on.

What would make Stan do such a thing?

Well, strict Freudians would call it a co-dependence transference.

But if you ask me, men are pigs.

The first effects of Hurricane Gil

are now directly being felt along the South Florida coast.

Have all the acts shown up?

Are we all set? Where's the emcee?

All set? Ladies, trees are falling, power lines are down everywhere,

you go on in two minutes, only one of your acts has shown up,

and you got eight hours to fill. What are you gonna do?

Well, let me tell you something, mister.

It doesn't matter how many of our acts have shown up.

It doesn't matter how many hours of air time we have to fill.

There is only one thing that matters here.

The indomitable devotion

that Rose and I have in our hearts for that windmill.

It's a devotion for that windmill. It's a love for that windmill.

And as God as our witness, we are going to save that windmill.

It's a lighthouse, Blanche.

We're saving the McKinley Lighthouse.

-That eyesore? -That's the one.

We're gonna make this a great telethon.

Listen, we'll do the entertaining ourselves if we have to.

All right, ladies, you're on in 10 seconds.

In 10...

-Oh. Well, really... -Right. I've got to...

Five, four, three, two...

-No, no! -You do it. You talk.

Hello, this is Rose Nylund. And this is Blanche Devereaux.

Hi, boys.

And we're going to be with you for the next eight hours

on the Save the McKinley Lighthouse Telethon.

So, please call the number that's flashing on your screen

to make your pledges.

And for that handsome guy in the red corvette

that I cut off on Highway 12 yesterday, you can call my personal number

which is flashing on your screen now.

I'll get it.

While Blanche is doing that, why don't I head over to the piano?

I'd like to sing you a song that I used to sing as a child.

It's an old Minnesotan farm song entitled,

I Never Thought I’d Grow a Hair There.

What the hell is that hair?

Rose? We just got a pledge for $20.

Let's go to the tote board.

Drum roll.

We're off to a good start.

Okay, now, where was I?

Oh, yes, where Hans first spots the hair.

Rose? Rose, Ijust got a pledge for $50,

if you will stop singing.

That's right. Fifty bucks if she stops singing,

and I'll throw in another 50 if you slam the piano lid on her fingers.

Ma, after Gloria and I get the patio door boarded up,

we really should head for the shelter.

-Dorothy. -What's the matter, kitten?

I'm just so mad at myself.

You and I were finally beginning to get close

and I had to go and do something stupid.

I just feel so terrible.

And the odd thing is, I wouldn't have thought

to give Stan a second look if Ma hadn't insisted.

What are you talking about?

Well, Ma practically pushed us together.

Mama, may I see you in the kitchen?

You look mighty pretty today, pussycat.

This isn't going to work, you little stick person.

What did I do?

You fixed my ex-husband up with my sister!

You don't see anything wrong with that?

That's perfectly normal.

Do you know, in some primitive societies, it's considered good manners

to give your ex-husband to your sister?

In some primitive societies

they leave their elderly out in a field for large birds to feed on.

Where do we draw the line?

Right before the large bird thing.

Dorothy, she was just trying to help.

And I never actually thought Stan sent me those flowers.

You sent her flowers?

Well, I had to get the ball rolling somehow.

You have really done it this time. Now, I don't blame you for this, Gloria.

This is your fault.

You never take my feelings into consideration.

You can't act like this any more, I can't take it.

-I won't take it. -Dorothy.

Dorothy, wait.

Fine. You don't want to take it any more, you don't have to take it.

See how well you do without me.

And now, I'd like to do a happy cricket. Note the difference.

That's great.

Do you do any other insects?

Well, I do a grasshopper that... Nah, you can't do it on TV.

Well, thank you.

Thank you, Davey Cricket.

And now, let's see how Blanche is doing on the phones.

-Blanche? -Nothing here, Rose. Back to you.

Wait! I have a bulletin.

"The intensity of Hurricane Gil has increased dramatically.

"Several boats at the marina have been beached or capsized."

And here's an item of particular interest.

"The McKinley Lighthouse has been completely destroyed."

What did you say?

I repeat. "The McKinley Lighthouse has been completely destroyed."

That's not good for us.

No. What about our telethon?

The telethon is over. The station managerjust told me

they're turning the airwaves over to the National Weather Service.

This studio has been designated an official hurricane shelter.

Oh, well, fine. But, before I go, I would like to make one final plea.

Now, I know there is goodness in your heart

and I know you want to give.

Well, I am ready to take anything you have to offer.

Share with me.

Ma'am, we've been off the air for two minutes.

I know it. I'm talking to Chester on camera two.

Share with me, Chester.

Ma? Ma, are you home? Ma, don't hide.

Ma? No, you're too smart to hide in the same place twice.

Ma?

Hello, ma'am. Are you the resident here?

Oh, my God. It's my mother.

No, ma'am, I'm a police officer.

I'm aware of that.

Listen, ma'am, we're evacuating everyone on this street.

I'd love to come with you, but I can't find my mother.

-She's disappeared. -I'm sorry,

but everybody has to come with us.

Believe me, if she's out there, we'll find her.

Well, look, give me a few minutes. I have to check the bedrooms.

Can I show the kid Blanche's room while we're waiting?

Nah, let him be surprised.

Oh, my God.

-Dorothy. -Gloria! Stan!

Hey, deja vu, huh, babe?

Just tell me why.

Why in this house? Why in my bed again?

Dorothy, this place has memories for us.

This is the place where Gloria and I first...

Well, I don't have to tell you. You were there.

Dorothy, it just happened.

I know you think it's wrong, but it's not a crime, you know.

Yes, it is. Officers?

-You brought the cops? -That's right. I came prepared.

Officers, shoot these people.

You heard me, I'm a tax payer. Shoot them.

No can do, ma'am.

Well, you have to do something. I mean, this is ridiculous.

My mother is missing because of these two people

who can't keep their hands off each other.

Dorothy, please. You're being irrational.

-Yes, I am a pig. -Oh, yeah? What precinct?

Listen, ma'am, we're evacuating the entire neighbourhood.

So the three of you are gonna have to put away the fight

until we get down to the shelter. We will be waiting in the car.

Oh, come on now. You can too shoot them.

I cannot shoot them. I can only shoot Iooters.

I understand. Stan, pick up the TV on your way out, will you?

Oh, Sophia. I was getting ready to go to the shelter.

-What are you doing here? -Angelo, you're my big brother.

I can only come to you. I'm in trouble.

Then the boy will marry you.

No, no, it's nothing like that.

I'm having problems with Dorothy and Gloria.

-I'm a terrible mother. -You're a wonderful mother.

No, I really upset my Dorothy. She's at a very difficult age.

Just out of menopause, but the sex drive isn't totally dead yet.

That is an awkward time.

And Gloria, she's my baby.

She hasn't even lost any of her adult teeth yet.

I'd kill for a piece of corn that wasn't creamed.

I've done a very stupid thing, Angelo.

I arranged for Stan and Gloria to get together.

I should have known better.

It's like when they were young.

Whenever Gloria took one of Dorothy's old toys,

Dorothy would get interested again and want it back.

I can still hear her yelling,

"Gloria took my stick. Gloria took my stick."

Boy, we come from a poor family.

But the way I see it is, you gave Stan to Gloria.

But Stan is not a stick.

He's not a Betsy Wetsy. He's not a rubber ball.

He's a man.

You are so wise.

I listen to a lot of talk radio.

I think your love for one child blinded your love for the other.

But I think you did Dorothy wrong, and I think you must make it right.

-What is that? -We'd better get to the shelter.

What is this?

The entrance is blocked. We can't get out! We're gonna die!

All right, don't worry. I have a plan.

They taught me how to deal with emergencies in the Italian Army.

-Help! Help! Please help! -Help!

Blanche, what are you doing with all that candy?

Well, whenever there is a natural disaster, you know,

some unscrupulous opportunist always hoards all the food.

Well, this time I decided it might as well be me.

Look, I've given those cops long enough.

I just have to go out there and try to find Ma.

Dorothy, you can't go out there.

-Well, Rose, I can'tjust sit here. -But it is too dangerous.

I remember back in St Olaf,

during a tornado, my mother left the storm cellar

to find Toto.

Her constant companion and favourite cow.

Why are we nice to her?

The point is, when mother went out in the storm,

she got quite a bump on her head.

For the rest of her days, she kept trying to get that cow

in the little basket on the front of her bicycle.

Can you believe it? The machines are all empty.

That's terrible.

-Would you like a Clark bar? -Sure.

$2.50.

It's nice to be able to talk again like human beings, like friends.

-I said $2.50, Stan. -Sorry.

Dorothy, what's happening to us?

I don't know. I was thinking about it myself.

I don't approve of you and Gloria,

but if you honestly love her...

You know, I don't think I love her.

I'm realising that maybe I was with her just to make you jealous.

It was the same thing with the monkey.

You know something, Stan? I was a little jealous.

Dorothy, it was just an old traffic cone with a monkey head on the top.

-Jealous of my sister, you idiot. -You're right.

You know, this is what I miss. You calling me "idiot."

You slamming the door in my face when I come over.

I know what you mean.

We weren't that happy when we were married.

We weren't that happy when we were going to remarry.

Seems our relationship works best when we're just plain divorced.

I don't want to spend two years without speaking to you.

No, we shouldn't, Stan.

We share children. We share grandchildren.

And I like slamming the door in your face.

This is great. We should celebrate.

Let's pop open a soda and make a toast.

Nice try. Five bucks.

Mrs Zbornak, we found your mother.

-Ma, are you okay? -Of course, I'm okay.

Oh, Ma. Thank God. Give me a hug.

Okay, now you two hug.

Go on, or I'm going back out into the hurricane.

-Dorothy, I'm sorry. -Don't be.

I'm just so glad to have my mother and my sister back.

-Aren't they cute? -Yeah, and I've had them both.

You're right, Dorothy. He is a pig.

Sophia, I'm so glad you're safe, and I have some good news.

The stage managerjust told me the hurricane is breaking up

and we're only going to have to stay here a few more hours.

-Well, I'm gonna go tell everybody. -Don't you dare.

First, we sell them candy.

Dorothy, I want to talk to you.

I just wanted to say I'm sorry about the stick.

What stick?

The stick. The one with the sock on it with the buttons for the eyes?

You mean Scout?

You know where Scout is?

Look, I'm sorry I gave the stick to your sister when you were a kid.

And I'm sorry about the other thing, too.

-You mean about giving Stan to Gloria? -Yeah, that and the stick.

I'm sorry about those two things.

You know what, Ma? I love you. And I'm glad you're safe.

-And I forgive you. -You make me sick.