Original subtitles

Thank you for being a friend

Travelled down the road and back again

Your heart is true

You’re a pal and a confidant

And if you threW a party

Invited everyone you knew

You would see the biggest gift would be from me

And the card attached would say

"Thank you for being a friend"

Ma, what are you doing?

Filling sandbags, Dorothy. There's a hurricane a-coming.

"A-coming"?

That's right. People only use the "A"

when a really big storm is a-coming or a-brewing.

So grab a sack and start a-shovelling.

Ma, the weather report said nothing about a hurricane.

Ida Pearlberg down at the senior centre woke up this morning with a leg cramp.

Need I say more?

-Yes. -Dorothy, when you get around my age,

two things happen.

One, you get more intuitive about the weather.

And two, corn becomes your enemy.

Ma, even if there is a hurricane a-coming...

-Don't patronise me. -I'm not patronising you.

I'm a-mocking you.

Look, Ma, if there is a hurricane coming,

it's not gonna get here for a while. So, come on, sit down and relax.

Okay. I'm glad we have this quiet time before the storm hits,

because there's something I'd like to tell you.

-What, Ma? -I always thought of us as the Gabors.

Well, I'm glad we had this little chat.

No, hear me out. I'm Jolie, the mother.

Your sister Gloria, she's Zsa Zsa.

And Eva... Well, Eva was, of course, your brother, Phil.

-I'm not a Gabor? -You're telling me.

Listen, big news.

-Zsa Zsa's coming to town. -Gloria is coming here?

I wish I knew why you two didn't get along.

I just don't understand it. For some reason,

you've always been jealous of my good daughter.

Ma, she makes me crazy.

She's always putting down my way of life, my choice of career.

She's never been there for me when I've needed her. Never.

And all she ever talks about is how much money she has.

Dorothy, there's upsetting news. She's broke.

She invested all her money in junk bonds, and now she's broke.

-She has no money? -Not a dime.

Yes!

Well, this is it.

My last session with Stan and the psychiatrist.

-How do I look? -Oh, fine. Why?

It's so hard to dress for a psychiatrist.

You wear black, they think you're depressed.

You wear red, they think you're angry.

You wear a negligee, they think you want to sleep with them.

Why aren't you arrested more?

Anyway, Dr Halperin is really working wonders with Stan.

You know, he's gotten him to transfer his love for me to a fake monkey.

What are you talking about?

Well, it really is very simple. You see, studies show

that when baby monkeys are taken away from their mothers,

they can transfer their love to fake mothers.

And the same thing is happening with Stan.

I mean, he's weaning himself from his relationship with me

by using a fake monkey for companionship.

-Why not use a fake woman? -Oh, well, honey,

that's why Stan went to the psychiatrist in the first place.

Girls, guess what? You know that

Save the McKinley Lighthouse campaign I've been talking about?

-No. -Oh, sure you do.

I've told you about it 200 times.

No.

Boy, it's like you people don't pay any attention to me whatsoever.

Hey, when did you sneak in?

Listen, I just got the television station

to give me eight hours of air time for the telethon.

Rose, that's wonderful.

The only thing is, there are so many things to get organised.

I'm gonna have to get somebody to help me do this.

Well, you could sign me up. I would love to help.

You? You'd turn the telethon into a disgusting manhunt.

A disgusting manhunt. What a great idea!

Oh, see, we'll all get dressed in little safari outfits,

and we'll have the men in cages.

Then we'll let them out and they'll all run around in Ioincloths.

And every man who gets caught

will donate $50, and then we'll get to take them home with us.

Well, fine. Save your own damn lighthouse.

That's probably her.

Now, you said you'd be nice.

-And don't mention she's broke. -Oh, Ma, now why would I do that?

She's my sister. Besides, I want to hear it from her mouth.

-Dorothy. -Gloria.

-Ma. -Gloria. Oh, my little girl.

I'm sorry I'm late.

Oh, no, I understand. Buses.

Won't you sit down?

Oh, I thought I heard that doorbell. Gloria.

-Oh, hi, Blanche. Hi, Rose. -Hello.

Look at this. My two little girls at home again.

So, Gloria, I understand you're...

Happier than I've ever been.

Can you believe it? It's like I get to completely start over.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, right.

You're starting over because you've lost all of your...

Constraint. My ties.

I feel like now I can begin to live again. I can do anything.

I can even do what you... What is it you do again, Dorothy?

-I'm a substitute teacher. -Oh, no, I'd be a real teacher.

-I am a real teacher. -Oh, look, Ma.

Her ears are starting to get all red.

Someone's getting mad.

My ears are not getting red. You know, you do this every time.

You just come in here and start pushing my buttons.

Well, it's not gonna work. Now go ahead, hide your pain.

I can wait.

So, you two are sisters.

That's Stan. Rose, would you get the door?

Is Stan still as crazy as ever?

No, as a matter of fact, he's not.

We've been going to a therapist together,

and he's making some wonderful progress.

Hi. It's me, Stan.

And who's that good-looking monkey with you?

Don't be condescending. I know it's silly, but it's doctor's orders.

It's just a tool to help me get over Dorothy.

-Can I hold him? -Are your hands clean?

-Hello, Stan. -Gloria. What are you doing here?

You usually don't like to slum it with this part of the family.

Stan, please. She's out of M-O-N-E-Y.

Yeah, well, she's not getting mine.

She's not out of monkey, Stan. She's out of money.

Come on. Let's go.

Out of money, is she? Well, how ironic.

You're broke, and I have all the money I want.

Not to mention my self-respect and my monkey.

And a good-looking monkey it is.

Is it me, or is that a traffic cone?

Jealous?

Come on, Dorothy, we better get going. After our session,

I have an important dinner meeting with some investors.

Oh, my God, Stan, you're not taking your monkey, are you?

Please, they are Japanese investors.

The last thing I would do would be to offend them.

She'll be at a separate table with the other wives.

No, no, Mrs Gutman. Honestly, there's no hurricane coming.

Yes, yes, yes, I heard about Ida Pearlberg.

She's 5'2" and weighs 200 pounds.

I'd be shocked if she didn't have leg cramps.

No, Mrs Gutman, I'm not making fun of you.

Good. Well, I'll see you Tuesday. Fine, if there is a Tuesday.

Sorry for the interruptions,

but I think every 80-year-old in the city has gone berserk.

Hey, what can you say? There are some sick people out there.

By the way, will my monkey be okay on my lap,

or should I get a chair?

I have a place for your monkey, Stan.

Well, Dorothy, it sounds like you're a little hostile toward the monkey.

-You want to talk about it? -What's to talk about?

I had to ride in the back seat all the way over.

Stan said the monkey called shotgun.

Well, Dorothy, I don't think you'd feel this way

if you read my book, Monkey Love.

Stan came to me as a needy person.

I've shown him that he can be happy with an inanimate object.

In other words, Stan, you are now an independent person.

You don't need this monkey.

Wait a minute, Doc, you're not thinking about taking away Fifi, are you?

Okay, maybe I jumped the gun here.

Not having read Monkey Love,

Doctor, how many of your patients don't get off the monkey?

Over half.

But the monkey keeps getting smaller,

until ultimately, it's the size of a keychain.

Dorothy, why don't you and Stan say your goodbyes?

Stan, can you come back tomorrow?

Well, we were thinking about playing bridge.

Oh, Stanley, stop that!

Dorothy, in any event,

your part here is done, and I'm gonna recommend

as the concluding and most important step

in your treatment, that you both spend at least two years apart.

No phone calls. No visits. Nothing.

-You're both okay with that? -Oh, yeah.

I'll try.

Okay, why don't you both just say

what's on your minds and in your hearts?

Okay. Well, Dorothy,

I'm sorry this couldn't work out.

Thank you for 38 years of love and friendship and memories.

I'll cherish them always.

Stan,

ciao.

Oh, you're back from your session early.

Was it as cathartic as you thought?

Well, I don't know if "cathartic" is the word.

You should do what I do. I find if I repeat a word

that's confused me, I look smarter than I really am.

Like, "Was it cathartic?" "Oh, I've had a catharticism."

"Of course, I'm not the type to kiss and cathartirise."

I tell you, I am still stunned.

I mean, I just can't get over that Stan is gone forever.

I'm finally free.

-Really? -Oh, and I feel great.

As a matter of fact, a toast.

Okay.

To finality and closure.

To husbands being out of our lives, and gone forever!

Dorothy!

No, wait, wait. This is good. I mean, don't cry.

-Why are you crying? -Our husbands are dead, you monster.

I'm sorry. I mean, I didn't mean it that way.

Oh, come on now, let's celebrate.

Celebrate? You don't know what it's like to have a husband die

and leave you with nothing.

Just a closet full of suits that you spend

the rest of your lonely life trying to get rid of.

What are you, anyway, a 42 regular?

Look, I'm sorry if I seemed insensitive, but in every relationship

there are always times when you don't wanna be with each other.

where we had no marital relations at all.

I totally cut off his sex.

You mean it grows back?

Yes, Rose. He's a lizard.

I mean, we stopped having sex.

Boy, I could never do that.

Oh, big surprise. I'm amazed you're taking a break now.

All right, leaving your husbands out of this,

haven't you ever been glad when one of your relationships ended?

Rose, how about that guy you dated last summer?

Don't you remember? The one who played Goofy at Disney World.

I remember the passion, yes.

Do you remember why it didn't work out?

-It just didn't. -Right. But why not?

I don't want to talk about it.

Oh, Rose, honey, there's nothing to be ashamed of.

He took off the Goofy head.

He took off the Goofy head.

See, that's not so bad.

Hurricane supplies, coming through.

What makes you so certain about the storm, Sophia?

Because I'm old. I know. I've seen everything twice.

Except Bonfire of the Vanities.

Ma, listen, Ijust got back from my session

and I've got some great news.

Ma, it's over. He is gone.

He is out of our lives forever.

Yeah, forever. Forever, like my husband, Sal.

What is everyone's problem around here?

Ma, I'm talking about Stan. I feel renewed.

I feel like a huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders.

Then maybe you should share some of that happiness with your sister.

Ma, face it. We just don't get along.

You're family, you should force yourself to get along. She needs you.

Oh, Dorothy.

Gloria, hello. We were just talking about you.

How are you?

Oh, nice going, Dorothy.

I asked her how she was doing.

I mean, it's not as if! mentioned her dead husband.

Gloria, you okay?

Ijust had a bad day. I guess I'm a little scared.

I don't know, maybe I was too confident

when I got here, trying to convince myself I was happy.

I guess I'm really lonely.

Oh, Gloria, I understand.

I know you understand, Dorothy. That's why I came to you.

I'm miserable, with no prospects.

Oh, Dorothy, how do you do it?

Day after day. Year after year.

I feel lost.

Well, honey, look, you're in a new city,

you're poor, you're a single woman.

-You have no money. -I know, but...

I mean, you're poor. Now, you think about that.

Every last cent is gone. No mas dinero.

Dorothy!

But I'm your sister and I'm here for you.

I guess I've just been feeling sorry for myself.

Thinking, "I'm all alone. No one loves me. Poor Gloria."

Literally.

All right, I'll tell you what, Gloria,

right now you're lonely, you're disoriented.

Maybe you need a little distraction.

Why don't I introduce you to some men?

No, no, I'm sorry.

Good idea. You, Dorothy, can intro...

-Can introduce Gloria to... -Men.

Oh, gosh, that feels good!

-Listen, I'm sorry for crying. -Me, too.

Oh, bravo! Bravissimol Encore! Encore!

Date me!

Blanche!

-Well, he was good. -He was not. He was just a man.

I mean, you've said yes to all the men

and you've been discriminating against the women.

I have not.

Just so happens all the women we've seen have been horrible.

Thank you!

-Hi, girls. How's it going? -Hello, hello.

Well, Angelo, what are you doing here?

My brother wants to try out for the telethon.

I got a song I used to sing with my partner.

We called ourselves Tino and Fine.

I'm warning you, Angelo. No political stuff.

We don't wanna have any trouble.

Where's Fino?

Fino is, well, finito.

He was killed, quite ironically, in a banana-packing plant.

Why was that ironical?

Excuse me, I must've made a mistake in my English.

It was quite comical.

I gotta go Iimber up.

Dorothy, good, I need to talk to you.

Well, of course. What's up?

Listen, Dorothy, maybe it's me.

Maybe I'm just being too critical.

But you know how you been fixing me up with men?

Ma!

You haven't had a good time.

Maybe you shouldn't be with strangers right now.

You should be with family and friends.

You know, people you know.

You know, you're right. That would help.

Right now, my life feels like one frightening gaping maw

ready to consume me.

-Did you ever feel like that? -Every day.

And then something changed.

I made friends, I found support. And, of course, I had Ma.

Frightening, gaping Ma.

You know something, it's kind of nice having a sister around.

Say, why don't we put Ma back in her room,

and then you can room with me. I mean, it'll be kind of fun.

We'll get to know each other again.

I think that would be wonderful.

Gee, I wonder where Gloria is?

I was thinking of surprising her, inviting her to lunch.

I don't get it. All of a sudden you two are best friends?

Well, maybe I've changed. For once, everything is going well.

My sister is in my life. Stan is out of my life.

I'm not even going to see him for two whole years.

-Everything is perfect. -Hush, pussycat.

Ida's ankles are swelled up like a blowfish.

Let's see how the hurricane's going.

Repeat, South Florida is now under a hurricane watch.

We’ll keep tracking the storm to see if it’s going to come our way.

I can't believe it, the Eastern Seaboard's history.

God, it feels good to be right!

Well, I'm not gonna let any bad news affect me today.

I am in control of my fate.

For once in her life,

Dorothy Zbornak is the master of her own destiny.

I am woman. Hear me roar.

-Dorothy. -Gloria, Stan.

Good news, Dorothy. I'm off the monkey.

Oh, my God, I can't believe it!

I feel light-headed.

I think I'm gonna...

No, I'm okay.