Original subtitles

You folks for the Los Angeles bus?

Now, be careful with that.

Honey.

Are you sure you wouldn't rather fly?

Mom, writers don't fly.

You don't see real life in a plane.

Have a safe trip, then.

Oh, before I forget.

Here, hold this.

Bus 107

Now boarding.

Something in case you get hungry on the way.

Bus 107.

Now boarding.

Now, remember what I told you about laundry.

Always separate your whites from your colors.

You'll be all right.

We're ready to roll.

Chris.

I love you.

Now, don't rumble your suit.

Go to biology class.

Hey, Judy, hold up.

Dahlia, over here.

Excuse me.

Do you know.

Do you still want to be with me this semester?

Excuse me, I'm looking for the housing office.

Would you know where that is?

Oh, yeah.

It's just through the archway there.

Just take a left and then a right.

No, no.

You take a left and then a right.

Right.

Take a right, Noah.

No, no.

You take a left and right.

Otherwise he's gonna go swimming.

Right.

Then you go around the fountain, right?

No, take a left, then go over the bridge and down the hill into the gray building.

You can't miss it.

Thanks.

No problem.

Next! Name, please.

Chris.

Chris Wooden.

Oh, yes, mister Wooden, the computer placed you in room 16 of the Hill dorm.

Sixteen.Oh, can I ask you another question?

Do you know if my roommate is checked in yet?

Yes, as a matter of fact, Alex Page checked in six days ago.

Brandy, don't lie to me.

I saw you.

Oh, you expect me to believe your towel just fell off?

Brandy.

I could smell his cologne on your neck.

Brandy.

Just shut up and listen to me.

If I ever catch you with my roommate again, I'll kill you.

Hi.

Welcome to the Hill.

Thanks.

64

Hey there! Do you like me?

Wait, I'm knocking on the store.

In.

Addition to all the work we'll be doing in here you will be required to attend all the classes in the actors curriculum.

After all, you're going to be writing for these creatures.

Might as well become familiar with their process.

Which brings us to your first assignment.

Write a 20 page, two character, one act.

And remember what our dearly beloved friend, Mister Chekhov, once said.

Do not invent suffering.

Do not paint pictures you have not seen.

No lies.

No lies.

Because believe in me, I will know when you're lying.

You see, I have this little crap detector inside my head.

That goes off every time somebody hands in a piece of bullshit.

What we want is real life truth with a capital T, right?

Let's talk about acting.

Acting is believing.

Acting is reacting.

Acting is controlled fantasy.

Acting is using yourself.

It's drawing on something deep inside you and creating a reality.

And communicating that reality so convincingly.

The audience is pulled out of its world and drawn into yours.

Now, one of the ways that we can use ourselves is by asking ourselves the right questions.

What do I want in this scene?

What's my objective?

Now, that's very important.

You always want something.

It's a way of focusing the energy.

Now, I'd like you to try an exercise to help you focus this energy.

I want you to try and get the attention of the person to your right.

All right?

Begin.

Difficult, isn't it?

How do you get the attention of somebody who's already distracted by somebody else?

The answer is specific behavior.

Use your imagination, but be specific in your own particular way.

All right.

No physical violence.

Begin again.

Excuse me.

I'm just so tired of it.

God, listen, I'm just so tired of being this way.

I'm so tired of being phony and always keeping myself enjoying all these crazy things to find out what I am.

I feel like such a phony.

Come on.

Come on.

No.

No.

All right.

That was much better.

Now do you see how all of your attentions were drawn to her?

That's because she was doing something very specific.

Now, how else can we use ourselves?

Dear roomie, had a date.

Be back late.

Don't wait.

Alex.

I'm sorry.

You are such a gentleman.

Where are we going?

You know what I'm saying?

Oh, I don't know.

I don't know.

I don't know.

Who's there?

Oops.. go back to sleep, kid.

Shut the door.

It's now 12 minutes past the hour of 10 o'clock and you're listening to 90.3, your classical music station for greater Los Angeles.

I don't want to be rude.

I mean, you get here a week before I do.

You...

You leave me no room for any of my things.

You decorate the room so it looks like Beach Blanket Bingo.

And then you bring some girl home.

You keep me up all night.

I think we need to lay down some ground rules.

I hope you understand.

Of course I understand.

What? Are you... um.

What are you doing here?

Ew.

You're in my acting class, aren't you?

What are you doing here?

I'm your roommate.

You're Alex Page.

Alexandra,

Yes.

I don't believe this.

What should I call you?

What?

Oh, Chris.

Hello, Christopher.

It's very nice to meet you.

I have to call housing.

Why?

I can't live with you.

Why not?

Is there something wrong with me?

Yes.

Your sex.

I beg your pardon?

You're the wrong one.

This is.

This is a boys dorm.

This was all supposed to be done by computer.

And I even filled out one of those IBM compatibility forms.

Oh, don't you just hate those things?

I didn't even read the questions on mine.

I just grabbed a #2 pencil and filled in all the ovals as fast as I could.

You what?

What did you fill in for?

Sex?

Occasionally.

Do you realize what you have done?

Chris, relax. All right.

I just got a number two pencil and filled in all the ovals.

Brandy, I'm sorry, honey.

I had no idea.

Look, I want to believe the two of you are just friends, but I see you and I get so crazy.

No, Brandy, nobody's staring.

You're imagining it.

Who?

Him.

I'm sorry.

I didn't stare.

Love triangle. You know how it is.

Yeah, you bet.

Either he moves out or we move out.

I am not gonna share you with him.

Move out.

Excuse me.

I'm sorry to interrupt, but did I hear you right?

I mean, are you talking about changing rooms?

My roommate.

Uh huh.

Keeps making eyes at Brandy,

And I just can't deal with that.

No, see, I got a problem with my roommate too.

Maybe we could switch.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I'm sorry, I didn't catch your name.

Chris.

Chris.

Greetings and salutations, Chris.

Chris.

I'm Gooseflesh.

This is my fiance, Brandy.

Nice meeting you... both.

So, what room you in?

16.

Number 16.

The honeymoon suite.

Honeymoon suite?

Yeah.

It's the one the blonde's in, right?

What is her name?

It's, uh, Alexandra.

Alexandra, that's right.

I think I can help you, Chris Chris.

Yeah?

I don't think changing rooms will be any problem at all.

Great.

What?

What?

Oh, come on.

Brandy.

Brandy.

That's ridiculous.

What?

Oh, yeah, right.

Well, now you know how I feel.

Brandy, you're the...

Okay.

What?

No, no, no, no.

It's fine.

It's fine.

It's fine.

Sorry.

Chris Chris.

Brandy wouldn't feel comfortable living with her.

You know how it is.

I know how it is.

What are you doing?

I'm memorizing a sonnet.

No, I'm.

Never mind.

Look, I gotta change.

Oh, Chris, that's so cute.

You're shy.

I am not shy.

Yes, you are.

I bet you've never even seen yourself naked before, have you?

That's so poetic.

Oh, Chris, isn't this so exciting?

What?

College, Los Angeles, dorm life.

I can't tell you how excited I was just to put my toothbrush in a new place.

Towel, please.

And now here I am having my first conversation with my roommate.

I can already tell we are going to be marvelous friends.

About us living together.

Until I straighten this thing out with housing, I think we need to get clear on a few ground rules.

All right, rule number one, I am here to work.

Rule number two, no boys.

Now, when you say no boys, does that include you?

No.

Rule number three, whatever you do outside this room is your own affair but business.

Your own business.

But when you're here, I need you to be normal.

Chris, I am normal.

All right, let me rephrase that.

I need you to be respectful.

Respectful of my privacy, respectful of my things, and most importantly, respectful of my work.

Chris, I have a feeling I'm not going to be studying as much as you.

Why?

Are you just naturally bright?

Mm mm.

I'm an actress.

Yeah, well, what does that have to do with anything?

Well, I'm a quick study.

I mean, I memorize answers like I memorize lines.

I look at it once, boom, I have it.

Come in.

Hey, Alex.

Hi, Trevor.

Listen, we got the fire engine downstairs.

It's all waxed up and ready to roll.

You want to do some damage?

I'll walk, thank you.

See you later, Alex.

My bosom is endeared with all hearts which I by lacking supposed dead.

There reigns love, all love's loving parts and all those friends which I thought buried.

How many a holy and obsequious tear hath dear religious love stolen from mine eye as interest of the dead?

Thou art a grave where buried love doth live, hung with trophies.

Have my lovers gone, who all their parts of me to thee did give that dew of many is now thine alone.

Those images I loved I view in thee.

Thou hast the all.

The

All of me.

Interesting choices.

Tell me, were you using someone from your past life?

No, I was using my imagination.

Well, that's fine, but next time, I would like you to try using affective memory.

An incident from your past involving your father, your brother or boyfriend.

That way, you might get a little more love in your love sonnet.

You want me to do it again?

I'll do it again.

I can do love.

I want you to make a personal investment in this sonnet, I want you to reveal something of yourself.

Now, it sum did good, but I'm not sure where it's coming from.

Well, if it sounds good, then what does it matter?

It matters.

It matters.

You're never going to be able to repeat that emotion until you have control over the source of it.

Think about it.

All right, who's next?

What are you doing?

Ooh, we're having a back to school party.

Back to school.

Hey, Alex, time for the sing along.

Oh, great.

Hey, Chris.

Chris, do you want to come up.

To the restroom and maybe have a sing along with us?

I don't sing.

All right, roomie, if I don't see you later, I'll see you later.

Come on, guys.

We're gonna go do four part harmony.

Gregorian champs.

Let's go, let's go.

What the hell is going on?

It's a pool party.

A pool party?

Really?

Oh, look, she took my mattress.

Not her mattress, but my mattress.

Isn't that nice, don't you think?

Sure.

Yeah.

Good.

Oh, you look nice.

Excuse me?

Oh, you like Shakespeare?

You read.

Yeah, I'm sure you do.

Here, now.

Hey, Chris, come on in.

The punch is perfect.

I gotta go change.

I'll be back.

Wanna dance?

No.

I'm sorry, mister Wooden, but the soonest.

The computer can relocate you is three weeks.

Three weeks?

Oh.

Oh.

Come, loving knight.

Come, Jessop.

Laugh round, knight.

Give me my Romeo.

Chris.

Chris.

Chris.

What?

I have bought the mansion of a love, but not possess it.

I am so not yet enjoyed.

So tedious is this day, as is the night before some festival, to an impatient child who has new robes and may not wear them.

Act two, scene three.

Yes, Juliet.

Oh, Chris, I think.

I think I am in love.

I think for the very first time in my life, I'm totally, undeniably, ineffably, absolutely, ridiculously happy.

That's great.

It really is.

But why tell me?

Why?

Because you're my roommate, silly.

Because these are the kind of things that roommates talk about.

Just pretend it's a slumber party.

Yeah, but I'm not a girl.

You're close enough.

So, go on, ask me something.

Like what?

Like who is he?

Who is he?

Brian.

Brian. Brian what?

Brian something with a K.

Brian something with a K?

You don't know his last name?

Details, Chris, details.

Okay, so you're in love with Brian something with a K?

Yes.

And I've never been so happy.

If you've never been so happy, why do you look so nervous?

No, it.

It's just a little itty bitty tiny thing.

Can I tell you what it is?

He said that the relationship can be whatever I wanted it to be, right?

It's all in my hands.

I can handle all.

Now, the thing about that is, is I really don't want the relationship to be what I want it to be.

I want it to be what it is.

I mean, I want it to be what it should be.

I want it to, like, happen.

Happen.

Just naturally?

Yes, exactly.

That's it.

Naturally.

I mean, it's not gonna happen naturally if it's left totally up to me.

If I'm the one who has to handle it.

I mean, if I have to be the captain of the ship.

I mean, who'd want a relationship like that?

Would you?

No.

Mm mm.

You're right.

You're absolutely right.

I'm calling the whole thing off.

Wait.

Wait a minute.

Alex.

Alex, I did not say that.

Alex, you're violating rule three.

Good night.

Good night.

Parting is such sweet sorrow.

Rules one, two and three.

Violence. What?

I just wanted to say I think it would be really swell if you were a girl.

Pardon me?

Well, then we could do more stuff together, and we'd never, ever have to worry about that other thing.

The other thing?

Sex.

Sex?

Yes.

It ruins everything.

That's why I wish you were a girl.

Cause I really do like you, Christopher.

That's all I wanted to say.

Sleep tight.

Next.

No, no, no.

I can't get next.

Let the rhythm move you.

Uno, dos, tres.

Uno, dos, tres.

Feel the beat.

You gotta anticipate the stick.

Hey, boy.

What were you thinking?

Nothing.

I was just counting.

No, no, no.

Do not count.

That is something else.

Feel the beat.

Do not anticipate the sticks.

End of the line.

We try again.

Next.

Miss Lucy had a baby she named him Tiny Tim.

She put him in the gutter to see if he could swim.

Sweet girl.

What are you doing?

Improvising.

No, no, no.

You are showing off.

You are working from your ego.

Forget about the audience.

Forget about your need to impress.

Comprende?

Chris.

Chris, wake up.

Oh, no.

Alex, not again.

I have to talk to you.

I have this really, really serious problem.

What?

It's my gravitational field.

Your what?

I seem to have this peculiar gravitational field that sucks men into me.

I mean.

Excuse me.

Can you feel it?

Well, um, no, not really.

Well, I can't really explain it to you.

I mean, it's sort of

it's like a heartbeat.

Here.

Can you feel this?

Oh, yeah.

So what's wrong with it?

Your.

Your.

What's wrong with it is that it's drawn Philip to me.

Philip? Philip, the poet who I have a date with tomorrow night.

Is he published?

I don't know, but I just see the wedding: Maine, 4 o'clock in the morning.

The sun is rising.

There's birds.

Dewey, dewey, dewey.

So what's the problem?

The problem is I have a date with Trevor tomorrow night.

And I really like Trevor, too.

I can see the wedding with him.

Aspen on top of this snowy mountain.

Snowy, snowy, beautiful little wreath.

I mean, I like Philip, and I like Trevor.

I don't know which to pick.

I don't want to hurt either of them.

I don't want to have to pick both.

I don't want to have to play favorites.

Help.

Okay, so just cancel them both.

That's it.

Oh, my God.

How I didn't see it?

Dum, dum, dum.

Now I'll do so.

I cancel them both.

I don't hurt either of them.

I don't pick favorites.

And then I'm free.

And then I am free. Right?

To go out with Carlos tomorrow night.

Carlos.

Oh, Chris.

Is he sexy.

The buns on this man.

Chris, you did it again.

You set me straight.

Good night.

Sleep tight.

Visions of sugar plumps my frog.

Frog?

I'm a frog.

Hey, hey, hey, Chris.

Chris, what are you doing for dinner tonight?

What? -Dinner?

I don't know.

I don't know.

Probably just grab a burger at the cafeteria.

Why?

Carlos?

He failed on me.

Had to go to Peru.

Something about a revolutionary war.

Anyway, at least we've got a date for dinner.

Can I pencil you in?

Uh, uh.

I don't.

I don't know, Alex.

I gotta work on my play tonight.

Work, work, work, work.

What you need to do is you need to go out.

You need to have fun. -Fun? -Fun.

Yes.

Start with an F, ends with an N, and has a U in the middle.

Yeah, I've heard that.

Great.

It's settled.

I'll pick you up the room at 06:00.

My treat.

Best restaurant in Los Angeles.

Alex, wait a second.

Now, I never said anything like that.

This is the best restaurant in Los Angeles?

Well, it's the most inexpensive, it has the largest menu, so, yes, I suppose that makes it the best.

So what do we start with?

An appetizer or an entree?

Honestly, Chris, you don't know the first thing about the etiquette.

And fine dining. We start with dessert.

Oh, okay.

Lollipops, gummy bears.

Chocolate bars.

Sugar.

Sugar as the main course.

Yes.

You see, one day they're gonna discover that sugar actually is one of the healthiest nutrients for the human body.

Hmm.

Alex, what are your parents like? Do you miss them?

No, not really.

Well, what are they like?

Well, my dad, he's a collector.

He collects paintings.

He collects cars.

He collected a 25-year-old girlfriend last year.

He's a collector.

He collects things.

Things, yes.

How do you do, Christopher?

It's so nice to meet you.

Sir, it's pleasant.

This is my Mercedes and this is my daughter.

And in that order.

You're kidding.

No.

Except the insurance on the Mercedes is much higher.

I'm just another tax write-off for him.

So, what about your mother?

My mother?

She says she's a lawyer.

She loves to argue.

She even represented herself in the divorce.

P.S., she got nothing.

Only child support.

So your parents aren't married?

Mm mm.

Yours?

Yeah.

Really?

How long?

This is?

25 years.

25 years?

Wow.

That's just.

That's impossible.

I mean, there's just no way I could ever do anything like that.

I mean, how.

How do you keep something like that alive?

Well, I don't know.

Maybe it's not.

Maybe it's dead.

They don't sleep together.

They don't?

No.

See, um.

One sleeps on the second floor and one sleeps on the first floor.

That's so weird.

See, my mom says it's because my dad snores, but, you know.

Do you think they still love each other?

Well, sure.

I mean, they're still together, aren't they?

Yeah, but they don't sleep in the same bed.

I mean, you think they still have sex?

Well, there's more to a relationship than just sex.

All I want is a commitment.

Hi, girl.

That's ridiculous.

Hi, Alex.

Hi, Alex.

You know them?

Only on a first name basis.

I don't know how you can talk to them.

I never know what to say.

Why not?

I just don't understand them.

You don't have to understand everything.

I mean, I think it's great when two people who need each other find each other.

Don't you?

How much?

5 bucks?

Thanks a lot.

Can you just get me out of Hill dorm, please?

Thank you.

Of all the lousy, stinking gin joints in the world, you walk into mine.

Kiss me.

Oh, my God.

Can you believe this?

Let's.

Come on.

There's a seat over here.

Just.

Bless you.

Mind if I join you?

Chris Chris?

I don't mind, sweetheart.

Do you mind if Chris Chris joins us?

It would be our pleasure.

So how's married life?

I'm filing for divorce.

Oh, my condolences.

Oh, Brandy.

Excuse me.

Brandy.

You got a little sauce right on.

No, to the left.

Here.

There. The-e-re.

All gone.

So, what was it?

Chris.

Chris.

It's just her whole backwards approach to life.

She has no respect for my things.

She stays out all night long.

She parties.

She doesn't study.

The list goes on, and it goes on.

And how does that make you feel?

Trapped.

Because I came here to work, and she came here to play.

And? - And she pisses me off.

And she knows she pisses me off.

Mm hmm.

Mm hmm.

You know why?

Well? - I'll tell you why.

She's an inwardly directed associative type.

You're an outwardly willed intellectual type.

Gooseflesh, are you by any chance a psychology major?

That's doctor Gooseflesh to you.

And yes, it just so happens that from time to time, I do dabble in drunken heads.

Chris.

Chris, pay attention.

Try to follow me as I explain what's going on inside you, okay?

This tray.

This tray is your brain.

Spaghetti is your left frontal lobe.

That's your rational side, okay?

Rational.

Right?

Lasagna.

That's your right side.

Right.

Creative side, okay?

Creative.

Rational.

Got it?

Right.

Go.

Cannelloni linguine.

Mm hmm.

They're the back of your brain, okay?

The cannelloni controls your arms and shit like that.

It's a physical basic.

What about the linguine?

I don't know.

Chris Chris

It looked good.

I grabbed it.

This is my brain.

Close.

Fun.

Not yet.

Now it's your brain, and this is what she's doing to you.

Chris, Chris.

She's picking away at your rational side.

She's scraping up your gray matter.

Or in layman's terms, pal, she is driving you crazy.

You know, I don't know if I can take much more of this.

I think the gentleman doth protest too much.

Oh, Chris.

Chris, I'm so glad you are here.

Chris, there's somebody I want you to meet.

Christopher Wooden, this is Slash.

Slash, this is my roommate, Chris.

Greetings.

Hi.

Slash is my fiance.

Oh, really?

Yes.

We're gonna get married as soon as

He gets back from Europe.

He's recording his first album.

You're not gonna change your mind, are you, Alex?

Six months' a long-ass time to wait.

No, I'm not, Slash.

Not if you're gonna change yours.

Are you?

No, not unless you get real fat.

Or you get those big blue veins in your legs.

You avoid those two things, I'll marry you.

Isn't he sweet?

Now, sweetie, you better go and get home.

You got a big day tomorrow.

Yeah.

You gonna get home okay?

Yeah, Chris will walk me.

You take care of my girl now.

Priss.

It's Chris with a C.

So how was your night?

Just please...

Thank you for asking.

You are my sunshine my only sunshine

You make me happy when skies are grey.

Hey, Chris, you ever get your hands dirty?

I mean, look at me.

I'm a mess, and you're still clean.

I bet you're the kind of kid who never got dirty when you were little.

Alex, don't.

Chris, what's the matter with you?

You barely said two words to me all day.

Nothing's wrong.

I was just wondering if I was going to be invited.

Invited to what?

The wedding.

Chris, I'm not gonna marry Slash.

I knew that, but he doesn't.

What happens when he comes back from Europe?

Well, by that time, he will be a huge rock star, and he will have forgotten all about me.

Well, honestly, Chris, what was I supposed to do?

You might try saying no.

Well, I couldn't say no.

We were having a perfectly lovely evening, and then he proposed.

If I had said no, I would have destroyed his confidence right before his first recording session.

Uh uh. I had to say yes.

Don't you ever think before you do things?

Don't you ever do things before you think?

Oh, do you want to get dirty with me?

Hey, come on.

No.

I can't see.

Oh, no.

Plumbing.

Yeah, the toilet is backed up.

Me. Moi. Moi. Moi. You! You! You!

It's from the Housing department. Oh, now, what is it?

What?

What is it?

Oh, it's.

Oh, it's a bill.

It's nothing.

I already took care of it.

Come on, shower time.

As I said, I was, well, for the most part, very pleased with these first projects.

The crap detector hardly went off at all.

See if there aren't any questions.

I will meet and greet you all here tomorrow when we will tackle mirror images and foil characters.

Go forth in peace, o great scribes.

I got my bike with me.

I don't understand this.

Neither did I.

That was a problem.

You didn't make any comments in it.

Well, I have nothing to say on a play that didn't say anything to me.

Chris, you're a great student, but a great student doesn't make a great writer.

Your basic problem, you're too linear, too formatted.

Well, how do I fix that?

Well, at this point in time, it's difficult to say.

Although I believe that this problem stems from your own personal insecurities.

My own personal insecurities?

Yeah, like right now.

I mean, you're standing there very stiffly, your arms crossed to protect yourself.

You're not allowing anything I say to fully affect you.

You're a stick, a cardboard cutout.

And that's all I'm seeing on paper.

So think about it.

Give that play a rewrite.

That's what I wanted to see on paper.

What?

That sigh, that frustration.

Why not use it?

That was just me getting pissed off.

Well, don't you think your characters ever get pissed over?

If what I'm telling you is making her angry.

Get angry.

Fight, shout, break a window, break loose.

Don't wait to be told what to do.

Make a choice.

Wrong choice.

Chris?

Yeah?

Have you ever played the game "Love Songs"?

Love songs?

Yeah, I learned it when I was really little.

It's so much fun.

I give you three words to a famous musical, any Broadway musical I want, and you have to tell me what musical it's from and complete the lyrics.

Okay.

Okay, okay.

I'll give you something very easy.

Okay.

Wish me luck.

What for?

No, not what for.

Wish me luck.

Okay, wish me luck.

"A Chorus Line".

What I did for love.

Good.

Yeah.

What are the words?

"Kiss today goodbye, point me towards tomorrow".

Hey, hey, hey.

You have to sing it.

Oh, Alex.

What?

I can't sing.

Okay, I'll start and you join in.

Okay, yeah.

Kiss today goodbye and point me towards tomorrow.

Wish me luck.

The same to you.

Okay.

Okay, okay, okay, got it.

Brilliant.

Three points.

Three points.

Okay, my turn? Your turn.

Okay, um.

Chase all your.

Chase all your.

Yep.

Never get it.

Forget your troubles come on, get happy we're gonna chase all your cares away?

Shout hallelujah come on, get happy get ready for the judgment day the sun is shining come on, get happy the Lord is waiting take your hand, shout.

Hallelujah come on, get happy we're going.

Through the promised land

We're heading across the river gonna stop.

Hey, Donnie and Marie.

Shut up.

Oh my God.

Oh my gosh.

Come here, come here.

I got great song.

I've been in love before now all at once it's you.

What good is sitting alone in your room?

Come hear the music play life is a Cabaret, old chum

Come to the Cabaret, come taste the wine, taste the wine.

Come hear the band.

The band.

Come blow a horn, start celebrating

Right this way.

Your table's waiting.

Come on, Chris.

Put on a happy face.

Ew.

There's all.

Quickly.

Where are you?

Here I come.

Follow me up here.

Oh, no way.

You gotta kill yourself.

Time for the play.

Put on a happy face.

Love ya.

Oh, my goodness.

Oh my goodness.

I don't know, Alex.

Maybe I'm kidding myself.

Maybe I'm not a writer.

Of course you are.

Don't say that.

You're a wonderful writer, Chris.

You've never read any of my stuff.

I'm very intuitive.

I know these things.

You are very talented.

Oh, I don't know.

It's just like sometimes I don't feel real, you know?

Like I'm faking everything.

It's like locked inside of myself, and I can't get out.

Chris, do you know what you need?

Yeah, some talent.

You need something much better than talent.

What you need is a muse.

A what?

A muse.

A beautiful woman who would come to you and inspire you to write great plays, sonnets, novels.

A creative spirit who you'd forever immortalize in some literary art.

A muse.

Yes, yes, yes.

All the biggies had them.

Cervantes, Moliere, Shakespeare, Chopin.

Inspire me.

Yeah.

Beautiful woman.

A perfect woman, nobly planned.

To warn, to comfort and command.

And yet, a spirit, still and bright, with something of an angelic light.

I can teach you structure.

I can teach you form.

I can't teach you how to write.

A lot of people will tell you that work breeds inspiration.

Inspiration breeds inspiration.

Find something that excites you.

Come on, get passionate.

Don't write because you want to.

Write, because you have to.

Alex, what are you doing?

I'm solving your problem.

My problem?

Yes, with your writing.

The reason there's no passion in your writing is because you're an intellectual, not an emotional.

Whoa, whoa, wait.

Wait a minute.

Alex.

I appreciate what you're trying to do for me.

I mean, my.

My writing, but, I mean, I don't think this is such a good idea.

We're roommates.

But that's what makes it so exciting.

No, Alex.

Oh, Alex.

Alex, we live together.

This is gonna change the nature of our whole relationship.

Yeah, but that's the beauty of it.

No, Alex.

You've seen me in my underwear.

I mean, how can you respect me?

How can I respect.

I won't wear underwear.

No, look, Alex.

No, you look.

Remember when I told you I wished you were a girl so we could do more stuff together?

Yeah.

Well, there's other stuff we can do because you're not a girl.

Like this.

Like this.

But you don't want to do it -

I understand.

You've got your work.

You've got your respect.

You've got your priority.

No, Alex, I want to.

Still friends?

Of course.

That's all? -No. -Good!

Because I've been thinking about this a lot.

I'm sure you have.

I can't.

I can't do this.

Just once.

It's gonna mean something.

Hello?

Is Alex Page there?

I'm looking for Alex Page.

You expecting somebody?

I'm not.

Well, actually, no.

Hi, I'm Wally.

Your new roommate.

Alex, I can explain everything.

Alex, there were a lot of things happening before this, and it has nothing to do with you.

Wooden.

Yeah.

Wooden.

From what the housing office told me, the kid was in there every other day complaining about you.

Alex did this and Alex did that, and Alex.

There's a festival of Alex.

Well, I'm sure it wasn't as bad as all that.

Hey, you mind if I come in and take a look around?

Well, I'll tell you.

Well, now it's really not a good time.

Come on.

Why don't you come in?

Alex.

Alex.

This is great.

This is great.

I love the beach motif.

This is nice.

This is nice.

It's you.

I see that.

It's like.

It's like Romper Room.

This is really nice.

Um, uh, Alex?

Yeah?

What made your old roommate move out?

Well, it's hard to explain, really.

Chris and I.

Well, I guess you'd call it a love-hate relationship.

A love hate.

Um.

Love hate.

Mm hmm.

Oh, I loved him.

He hated me.

Yeah, that's trial and error.

It's sort of, uh, sort of a live and learn kind of thing.

It's like mommy always used to say, you have to kiss a lot of frogs before you find the prince.

Prince Charming.

Charm.

Charm.

Yes.

Oh, about our sleeping arrangements, do you prefer the top or the bottom?

Excuse me?

The bunk beds.

What do you want, the top or the bottom?

Oh, hey, whichever.

It doesn't.

Floor.

Floor is great.

Floor is good for me.

Whichever's fine with me.

My back.

I love the top.

My back.

It's good for me, right?

It's yours.

Zip me up?

Yeah.

Yeah, I could do that.

Yeah?

Yeah.

Here you go.

Ah, thank you.

Yeah, don't mention it.

Don't mention it to anyone.

Okay.

Excuse me.

Um, listen, I know that this is California and everything, but I'm from Iowa.

Oh, you dropped your balls.

Keep it.

Wally.

You think this is a good color for me?

We did it.

Oh, no, not the closet.

Hey, Wally.

Hey, Wally.

Alex.

Wally.

How are you, Alex?

Fine.

Can you help me out?

I'm looking for Gooseflesh's room.

Gooseflesh?

Yeah, he's my new roommate.

You're so lucky.

He's so butch.

Top of the stairs.

Thanks.

Au revoir.

Oh, now this is just one of my most favorite stores in Hollywood.

Now, I'm telling you, this just has the most fabulous clothing around.

Chris, I don't want to go in.

Alex, can't you take a no?

No.

Alex.

I think the room looks great.

What do you think?

Is that yours?

Mm hmm.

I really thought my life was like a love song.

What are the words?

No words.

Hey.

Hey.

Where have you been hiding all day?

Nowhere.

I just picked up our review sheets for the finals.

There must be two dozen plays we haven't read yet.

Yeah, so we got two weeks to cram.

There's plenty of time.

Yeah, except I was thinking maybe it's not such a good idea to wait that long.

So what I have done is I've divided up a reading list into two.

That way we both read the dozen plays

And we write summaries for each other.

What do you think?

I think it's a marvelous idea.

Great.

Me too.

Okay, here's your half of the reading list, and I thought we'd get started after dinner tonight.

Oh, no, no, no.

I can't tonight.

Why not?

I volunteered to help out the Ethiopians, Cambodians.

Somebody needy like that.

Oh, I didn't know.

That's okay.

It's no big deal.

It's all right.

So I'll just.

I'll get a head start and you catch up tomorrow night?

Yeah.

Were you gonna come to the fundraiser?

I paid $30 for this.

$30 for.

Hey, Trevor, what is this line for?

It's for the kissing booth.

The kissing booth?

Papa, time's up.

All right, I.

Give me five.

Is that enough?

Chris, was I just the most phenomenal success at the carnival?

I personally raised over $3,000 for the Cambodians.

Or if the Ethiopians or the...

Somebody needy like that.

Congratulations.

Thank you.

How come you never came by?

I did, but something made me sick.

Oh, was it something you ate?

No.

Something I saw - you kissing half of Los Angeles.

I don't know why I do what I do.

It's just charity.

Chris.

I'm sorry.

I didn't mean to hurt you.

I mean, God, I didn't even know I could.

Hey, Shakespeare.

We saw your little muchacha at the kissing booth last night.

Geez.

She's something, huh?

Well, at least that's what it says on the bathroom wall.

Forgive them, Father, for they know not what they do.

The bathroom wall.

Alex.

No.

Wait a minute.

Alex, I was coming to talk to you about this... this...

Jesus Christ, who let her in?

They don't know me.

I'm not a whore.

Knowing you.

No.

I don't want your arms.

Lord, hold me.

No, no.

You're all the same.

All right, I want you to pair off.

Each one of you will have a line of dialogue.

"I can be loved by you".

The other line is, "you can be loved by me".

You can be loved by me.

I can be loved by you.

You can be loved by me.

Look at each other.

You can be loved by me.

I can be loved by you.

You can be loved by me.

I can be loved by you.

You can be loved by me.

I can be loved by you.

You can be loved by me.

I can't be loved by you.

You can be loved by me.

I can be hurt by you.

Alexandra!

Chris.

If you have something to say to me, say to my face.

Don't wait until, in front of an acting class of 20 people to tell me how you feel.

I don't feel anything.

Yeah?

Then what was all that about?

Hey, I was just doing the exercise.

You were the one who copped out.

And who's copping out right now?

But I got to hand it to you, Alex.

You're a damn good actress.

You get better with every performance.

Bravo.

Chris. Chris!

Alex, just do us both a favor and stop acting.

I never acted with you.

No.

You angry?

You want to go to the cafeteria and eat?

You want to go out and eat.

At a real restaurant this time?

One where we can go and get stuff and have a nice meal and order something good.

Oh, I don't know.

We got finals tomorrow.

Well, we'll just go out and come right back, and then.

And then we'll study, and then we'll make hot chocolate or something.

Something tells me this is a mistake.

But aren't mistakes that make life so much fun?

Aren't I the best mistake you ever made?

Wait.

Five o'clock.

Five o'clock.

Five.

Five.

Chris Chris.

Gooseflesh.

You got a few minutes?

Yeah, what's up?

Oh, nothing.

I just wanted to talk to you.

Why is Brandy on the floor like this?

Uh, well, um, earlier this evening, she took a antihistamine, and we were planning on go...

I don't know why. -You don't know?

Hold this.

Chris.

Yeah?

Brandy is my safeguard.

You want a beer?

Yeah.

Your safe...

Yeah, she's my protection against the waste products that screw up the educational process for everybody else.

She keeps the roommates away.

Yeah, but you don't have any roommates.

Oh, not now.

But I have.

Sit down.

A couple of days every month.

Guy shows up here, ready to be my buddy, my pal, ready "to party, dude"!

I start making eyes at the doll, and he makes a 50 yard dash for the housing office.

Works like a charm every time.

So this was all an act?

Basically.

Why? I don't understand this.

Come on, Chris.

What's to understand?

I want to do my work, do it well, double up on my course load and get the hell out of here.

With more than just a diploma, I want to know what I'm doing when I get on the outside.

Unlike the Neanderthals in this campus, I'm living my life backwards.

I'm more of an adult now than I plan to be when I'm 40.

So you see, it's simple.

I work now and I play later.

Yeah, but, God, don't you think you're taking a risk?

No, I don't think so.

I think it's those peroxide pinheads out there who are taking the risk.

You know why?

Why?

They're gonna be paying for these four years of fun with the rest of their lives.

Which reminds me.

Excuse me, won't you?

Hey!

Theta, Theta,

You're so cool,

I hope you leave this fucking school!

Tradition.

What about Alex?

What about Alex?

Think she's gonna pay?

No.

No, I don't think so.

Alex is a completely different breed of animal.

She's one of those rare species that doesn't need to learn from books.

She learns from life.

You and I are different.

We need the written word.

So, my friend, if I may debase you by calling you my friend, my advice to you is get yourself a mannequin.

That way you don't get hassled.

That's not real.

Maybe not, but, you know, after you get kicked in the teeth a few times, maybe you'll know what I'm talking about.

Yeah, but you don't get loved either.

I gotta go.

Thanks for luckless, Flesh.

Uh, Chris.

Chris.

What?

Stanley.

My name is Stanley.

It's my real name.

Stanley.

Nice meeting you, Stanley.

Hey, thanks for the beer and the talk.

No problem.

Chris, where have you been?

I've been waiting over 20 minutes.

Me?

Yes.

I was.

I was window shopping at Merrill's today, and look what I found.

Do you like it?

It's brand new.

Yeah.

Kiss.

I'm trying to do this idea that I was telling you about. This sort of...

Drinks, please. - But we haven't ordered yet.

Yes, sir, but these are for the lady.

Compliments of the two gentlemen.

Will you thank them for me?

Alex, can I ask you a question?

Yeah, of course.

Would you wear that dress for me or for every other guy in this place?

I'll forget you said that.

Of course.

Take the easy way out.

Look, Chris, I didn't wear it for you.

And I didn't wear it for them.

I wore it for me.

If you're uncomfortable with this dress.

It's not the dress.

Are you sure?

Because I'll go home.

I'll change.

Let's go.

What?

I want you to change.

Oh, serious?

Were you.

Oh, come on, Chris.

I mean, I don't think I should have to go home and change just because you're uncomfortable.

I'm happy this way.

I'm not.

So, what do you want me to do?

Change.

I don't want to.

Compliments from the gentleman.

Alexandra! - Damn it, Chris.

I don't want to change.

Really didn't mean to.

You're moving out?

Boy, there's just no fooling you, is there?

Just because we had a little fight.

A little fight?

A little fight?

No.

I'm not moving out because we had a little fight.

I'm moving out because I don't like being seduced.

Seduced?

Yes, seduced.

You seduced me.

And I'm not talking about in here.

I'm talking about out there.

You made me think I was special.

You are special.

No, you're special in a different way.

You're my friend.

Besides, I had to seduce you.

You never would have made the first move if I didn't.

Hey, I was happy being your friend.

Well, then how do you explain this last month?

Hey, I don't know.

You know, I don't know.

I just got caught up in that goddamn gravitational field or whatever you want to call it.

I have no choice in the matter.

No more Alex.

Forget it.

Because I am through.

I am tired of being your doormat because I finally got it.

I finally understand.

You know what it is?

You don't want to be loved.

You just love being wanted.

That's not true.

I do want to be loved.

I'm just not used to it.

You think I am?

Look, Chris.

Look, Chris, right now I just feel a lot more comfortable being liked, okay?

Please tell me you'll do that, because I would really love for you.

I would really love for you to just like me.

Yeah.

And I would really like for you to love me.

Answer it.

Answer it.

Answer it.

No.

Hello?

Alex, it's me, Slash. I'm back.

It's someone who wants you.

No.

Put it in your hand.

Thank you.

Alex.

Chris, where are you going?

Where are you going?

Chris.

Chris, please! -Alex, pick up the phone.

Hello?

Alex, you there?

Sorry, kid.

I don't think you look old enough.

He's old enough.

He's old enough.

Thanks.

There you go.

Just leave the bottle.

Well, I, uh.

I did what you told me to do.

Uh huh.

I wrote from inspiration.

Uh huh.

Went out and lived life.

I fell in love.

I experienced passion.

And now you're experiencing pain.

Yeah.

And your writing has improved a lot.

Yeah.

Important fact of life, writers suffer.

We feel things more acutely than other people.

We open ourselves up and we expose ourselves to greater joy and greater pain.

Lately, all I felt is pain.

Chris,

Chris,

Chris,

Chris.

Once you embark on a journey for truth, you have to take it where it leads you.

Right?

Huh?

Yeah.

Come on.

Here's a toast.

Toast. -To the newest member in a long line of sufferers.

Oh, my God.

I can't believe you're doing that.

Ladies and gentlemen, on the unibycle.

Chris.

Chris.

Hello.

I'd like you to meet my very good friends.

This is Dory.

This is Jill.

These, of course, are their breasts.

That.

Where's Brandy?

Didn't you hear?

Broke up.

No.

I owe it all to you.

Thanks to you, man, I have unlimited eight play.

Eight play?

What is eight?

Foreplay.

Two girls.

Hi.

Wait, wait, wait.

Somebody is gonna lose a bikini.

Oh, my God.

No.

Brandy, I'm in a very vulnerable position right now.

Kind of on a re...

Rebound, so you're gonna have to be gentle with me.

Oh, come on.

You climaxed.

What was that, a muscle spasm or what?

Chris Chris.

Have you and Brandy been doing anything weird?

Call security.

What?

Let's do it.

Security?

I don't understand.

Oh, Chris, there you are.

Uh, I came here to get my bag.

Chris, you remember Slash, don't you?

Yeah.

Greetings.

And this gentleman is Slash's roommate and guitar player, Eddie.

What's up?

It seems that Slash's band broke up before their first recording session.

Artistic differences.

So Slash has come back early to see me, and he's now...

Well, he's now ready to get married.

Just like Alex promised.

But I told him that I can't get married to him anymore because...

Because I'm in love with somebody else.

Really?

Anybody I know?

She says it's you.

It is me.

I have a problem with that.

Do you?

Yes.

Because I can't believe Alex would throw herself away on a homo like you.

Homo? - Yeah.

I'm a homo.

I live with her, you live with him, and I'm a homo.

Oh, I like that.

You want to be a comedian?

Yeah.

You want to make Alex laugh at me?

Well, you're gonna have to pay for that.

Okay, here's your buck.

Why don't you get lost?

Come on.

Hey, hey, hey.

Are you gonna marry me or not, huh?

I'm not the same person I was two months ago.

I changed.

Oh, you changed?

Yeah.

I'm going to go change your face, you idiot.

Who you fooling, huh?

You will never gonna change.

Be nice.

Shut up.

Sit down.

I have surprise for you.

What?

Chris.

Okay.

Let's see how tough you look without your hair, pretty boy, huh?

Huh?

Come on, Slash.

The cops.

You are so lucky.

Let's hit it, man.

Oh, Chris, are you okay?

I think my arm's broken now.

Oh, my God.

I'm gonna take you right to the hospital.

Thank you.

Hey, underdog.

You came through for me this morning.

Yeah.

Are you gonna stay?

I don't know, Alex.

Depends.

On?

On you.

On whether you meant what you said.

Have you really changed?

Chris, you heard what I said.

Yeah, I know what you said, Alex.

You say a lot of things you don't mean.

And I mean a lot of things I don't say.

It's just hard.

It's hard to say.

It's hard to stay.

Chris, I don't know what I would do without you.

You're my soulmate.

Yeah, well, one way or the other.

Doesn't matter, does it?

I mean, in an hour, neither one of us will be going to the school anymore.

What are you talking about?

Finals.

Well, we'll pass.

Alex, how can we?

Neither one of us studied.

Listen, let me sign your cast.

What?

You're not Willy Loman.

All right, time's up.

Hand your papers in.

Have a happy holiday.

And please, a safe, safe one.

Mister Wooden, time's up.

Well, I hope you get that cast off by the holidays.

Thanks.

Hope you have a merry Christmas.

Thank you.

How did you injure it, by the way?

Uh, basketball.

I was...

A body slam.

Yeah, you know, the guys kind of get carried away.

It's a shame.

Well, why don't I give you a little luck and sign it?

Oh, there's not enough room.

The guys kind of got carried away with it.

I'm sure there's enough room.

Yeah.

Unfortunately, there is great big space here between Anton Chekhov and Tennessee Williams.

I didn't know they played basketball.

At a recent meeting of the council for the College of Fine Arts, the following action was taken in your case: expulsion for the fall semester with no units credited.

What?

However, the recommendation was made and approved for probation, which means that you have the option to take the first semester's courses over during the spring semester.

You mean I'll be a semester behind everyone else?

That's right.

That is bullshit.

I work hard in every one of my classes.

I don't deserve that kind of punishment.

Sit down, Chris.

I'm not through.

Should you decide to exercise this option, you must file for readmission at the registrar's office.

And we sincerely regret this unfortunate occurrence.

And we wish you the very best of luck in whatever you choose to pursue, Chris.

It's up to you.

Meeting for the council is adjourned.

Why didn't you say anything?

I did.

That's why you're still here.

Oh.

Got a lot of inspiration now, don't I?

Did you see my pipe?

Why are you going away?

Alex?

I would love to stay here with you.

There's no ground for me to stand on it.

You never know what you're gonna do next.

That's because I never know what I'm gonna do either.

I wanna stay, Alex.

I really do.

But this.

This is all fun and games.

I just gotta clear my head and I gotta get serious.

What the hell was being serious?

I'm telling you I love you.

I'm telling you that I wanna be with you.

Really?

Really.

Then drop out.

What?

Drop out, and we'll go to Chicago.

Oh, come on, Chris.

You can't be serious.

Yes.

Can you see me sitting at the dinner table with your parents?

I don't think so.

Yeah, good point.

Okay, then we'll go to New York.

We'll go to New York.

We'll get an apartment.

We'll get jobs during the day.

I'll write at night for plays that you can act in.

Chris, come on.

You can't be serious.

Yes, I'm serious.

Come on.

I can write anywhere.

Who goes to college to learn how to write?

Chris, I can't just pick up and move.

Why not?

Because I have school, responsibilities.

School?

Come on, Alex.

You're just using that as an excuse.

It's not an excuse.

Oh, come on.

The hell you're not.

You want to be with me, but only on your terms.

As long as it's safe.

As long as we swim around in this little fishbowl you've built.

Fishbowl?

Yeah.

You built it so cleverly, you don't even recognize it's there.

But it is, Alex.

Look at this place.

Look at everything Daddy's bought you.

Planes? Alex, this isn't school.

This is Playland.

I need to live in the real world with you, or I'll go it alone.

Just.

Just go.

I'm not gonna stand around here while you rip apart my entire life.

Whoa.

Take your precious little things and just get out.

I mean, take your little shoes and your perfect shapes here, and your little things and your glasses and your beautiful pressed suits and go.

Goodbye.

Oh, my God.

Chris.

Chris.

Carpool.

Girls, I want you to have a good time in Florida.

And don't forget, when you get back, I expect to see tan lines.

Okay?

Bye bye.

One more.

No tongue?

Come on, let's go.

Don't you think it's great when two people who meet each other find each other?

She needs me.

What?

This is what she wants.

Alex.

This is what you wanted all along, isn't it?

I don't want anything from you.

Oh, yes, you do.

You want me to leave.

Cause if I leave, I'm just like everybody else.

Yeah, and then you don't have to grow up and get serious and have a real relationship.

But if I stay, I'm gonna be the only one who's ever stayed.

You don't know me.

Nobody knows me.

You're wrong.

I know you.

I know exactly what you're doing.

You play games, you test guys.

You just push and you push and you push just to see who's gonna be left standing.

Oh, yeah?

You know what else you do?

You give us as much shit as you possibly can to see if we can take it.

Alex.

I can take it.

You can't take it.

You've given up.

You're leaving.

What are you doing?

You can be loved by me.

I don't want you up here.

You can be loved by me.

Stop it, Chris.

I don't want to play this game.

It's not a game.

You can be loved by me.

Come to New York with me.

You can't run away, Alex.

Oh.

You could be loved by me.

I can be loved by you.

You can be loved by me.

I can be loved by you.

You can be loved by me.

I can be loved by you.

Oh, wait.

Chris, Chris, Chris.

I just have to tell you one thing.

I'm useless with forever.

I mean, I don't have a clue.

I need your help.

I need your help.

Oh, aren't I the best mistake you ever made?