All language subtitles for Family Ties Vacation 0089125.DVDRip.HI.cc.en.CBS

ALEX: I can't believe we're
going to miss our plane to London

because of Mallory.

STEVEN: We're not
going to miss the plane.

We're 10 minutes
away from the airport,

the flight leaves in 10 minutes.

ELYSE: Well, I hate
waiting around airports.

JENNIFER: It's not Mallory's
fault, Alex, we're late.

We had to wait 45 minutes
for you to comb your hair.

ALEX: Hey, Jennifer,
do you mind?

I want to make a good
first impression on Europe.

JENNIFER: Well, you
might as well try them,

it's too late for America.

WOMAN (on PA): Flight 316 to
Rome is now boarding at Gate 4.

All passengers
should now be onboard.

Great, thank you.

Thank you.

All right. Will do. Bye-bye.

WOMAN (on PA):
Now boarding at Gate 9.

A little further. Here
we go. All right...

You want to take the
window? Go ahead.

Jen, can you put this up there?

Oh, my God, wait,
we can't go to London.

The plane can't take off.

Why? What's the matter?

I forgot to pack my blue dress.

Oh, we can't go.

We can't go. Mom,
you tell the pilot,

I'll break it to the
other passengers.

Yeah, excuse me, ma'am,
I have some bad news...

No, Alex...

Never mind, sorry.

You think you're so hot, Alex,

just 'cause you got one little
study scholarship to Ox-blood.

It's not "Ox-blood,"
Mallory, it's Oxford.

It's one of the most prestigious
institutes of higher learning

in the entire world.

Says you.

( ominous theme playing)

Shame on you, Steven,

baby pictures out already?
We haven't even taken off.

I'm sorry.

Couldn't we have
taken him, Elyse?

Honey, he had a cold.

Andrew can't travel with a cold.

It was either leave him
at home with my mom,

or cancel the whole trip.

I know, I-I know.

But couldn't we have
taken him, Elyse?

Oh, honey, It was
just a little cold.

Now, I know you're
going miss him,

but it'd be foolish for us

to spend the whole
time worrying about him

and pining over him and...

Gee, isn't that a
cute one there, huh?

Yeah, with his sled.

( ominous theme playing)

You are late.

I'm sorry...

I don't want excuses.

Do you have the film?

You have made this journey
very dangerous for me now.

Got my pillow, got my
book, got my honey.

I'm all set.

Okay. Just sit back and read.

I won't talk to you.
You're on vacation.

I'll... I'll just talk
to the person

who sits next to me.

No.

Well, why not?

Because, Elyse, whenever we fly,

you always talk to the
person sitting next to you,

and then we wind up
spending the entire flight

listening to some boring guy

telling us his whole
boring life story.

Hi.

Hello.

What line of work are you in?

STEWARDESS (on PA): On
behalf of British Caledonian Airways,

we would like to welcome
you onboard our nonstop flight

to London Airport Gatwick.

We ask you please

to give your attention
to the cabin attendants.

I don't know. Who
will now demonstrate

the safety features
of this aircraft.

The exits are now being
pointed out by the cabin crew.

As we are flying over
the Atlantic Ocean,

we are required to demonstrate
the use of your life jacket,

which is situated
under your seat.

Oxygen masks will be
presented from the overhead panel

or the seatback in front of you.

So then when Alex won
his scholarship to Oxford

we just thought we'd make it
a whole big family vacation...

Excuse me, but you
can't possibly have a son

old enough to be
attending Oxford.

Oh, I, uh, I do.

(chuckles)

I don't believe it.

Well, I, uh, I do. It's true.

It can't be.

Well, it is.

That's remarkable.

I got married at
a very early age.

I was 11-and-a-half.

(chuckles)

( ominous theme playing)

Oh, allow me, please.

Is this yours?

Yes, the beige one. Thank you.

I'll get my stuff here.

It's been a lovely journey.

I've enjoyed having
you as a seatmate.

The pleasure's been all
mine, Mr. Markham, thank you.

Goodbye. Goodbye.

Honey, you know, that
charming Mr. Markham is so nice,

why don't we ask him to
join us in our hotel for dinner?

Oh, Mr. Markham, my wife
and I were wondering if you'd like

to drop by our hotel this
evening and join us for dinner.

Maybe some other time.

(mouths words)

Talking to that
guy on the plane.

WOMAN (on PA): Flight 461 nonstop
to Paris is now arriving at Gate 7.

Well, I guess dinner's out.

All arriving passengers
must pass through customs

before boarding
connected flights.

(honking)

I can't wait until we get
out and really see London.

Everyone said we'd feel
jet-lagged for a few days,

but I feel great.
Don't you, Steven?

Ste...

Steven!

He's with me. Honey.

Good morning, honey.

Sir, madam.

Come on, let's go.

Elyse, I love you dearly,

but I resent the fact
you don't get jet lag.

Other than that it's
a perfect marriage.

It's time for breakfast.

How can we be having breakfast?

It's only 2 in the morning.

Two in the morning in
America. We're in England.

It's 8 in the morning here.

You'd think the two countries

would get together on
this one simple thing.

What are you having
for breakfast, Mal?

I don't know.
What are "kippers"?

Cured herring.

What have they been cured of?

Nothing.

Then I don't want any.

Do they have toast in England?

Yeah, I think a boatload
just came in this morning.

Alex, you don't have
to be so sarcastic, okay?

We're in a foreign country.

We do not know for sure
if they have toast here.

Mallory, the United States

was started by
people from England,

they had toast before we did.

Oh, yeah? Who invented it.

Alfred Toast.

Okay.

Doesn't seem as though
they suspect anything.

We shall have no trouble
retrieving the brush from them.

They seem like nice people.

Whether they are nice
people or not is irrelevant.

They have what we want and
that makes them the enemy.

"Enemy."

Such a strong word, Frederick.

I'm not saying we should
go to the theater with them,

but really they're...
They're not our enemies.

Why did you become
a spy, Luther?

My parents pressured me into it.

I wanted to be an orthodontist.

Okey-dokey, I got the
whole day planned out.

Now, I have to be
at Oxford at 2:00,

but we can still
see all of London's

major tourist attractions

between now and then.

If we follow my carefully
constructed plan.

This ought to be
good for a laugh.

Okay, now, right
now we are here.

No, we're not, Alex,
we're here. Yeah.

She's right, honey.
We're over there.

Yeah, Alex.

Well, that kinda throws
a wrench into the works.

Looks like they're
getting ready to leave.

We should make our move.

Right.

What is our move?

To get the brush.

Of course.

How?

Just stay here.

Excuse me, madam.

Would you happen to have
a hair brush I could borrow?

A hair brush?

This must be an old
English custom, Elyse.

We don't want to offend him.

Lend him your brush.

Of course.

I'm sure I have one. I
know I packed an extra one.

Oh, yes, an extra one.

(chuckles)

That's my favorite kind.

Yeah, well...

This one must be yours,
Mallory, I've never seen it before.

I'm sorry, I-I-I can't find it.

I have a comb.

No, no, it must be a brush.

An extra brush.

I understand.

ELYSE: I'm sorry.

Thank you anyway.

Cheerio.

She claimed she
couldn't find it.

I say we stay with them.

You know, I like
your hair that way.

Reverse, 1st, 2nd, 3rd, well,
that seems simple enough.

(starting)

Everything's backward,

but that should be
easy to get used to.

Okay, just be careful.

Elyse, please, driving
a car is driving car.

I think I know what I'm doing.

(all cry out)

(glasses shatters)

(starts)

(mouths words)

(all cry out)

(glass shatters)

( horn theme playing)

"Westminster Abbey
has been much enlarged

and altered over the
centuries. Some additions..."

Alex, are you going to read us
the whole history of England?

Somebody has to.

Mom, make him stop.

STEVEN: Oh, kids.

Hey, look.

My God, how much can
these people see in one day?

My feet are killing me.

Stop complaining,
I'm having a nice time.

You know, you and I, we
should do more sightseeing.

( string theme playing)

STEVEN: You see, Elyse?
I knew we'd eventually

get the hang of
driving in England.

Of course she can do it, Dad.

This is the side she
usually drives on.

Alex. Mallory.

BRODER: You're driving too
fast. Why are you driving so fast?

ALEX: "During the 12th century

"Oxford became a
meeting place for scholars.

"Some theories claim that it
was founded by English students

"who had been expelled from
the University of Paris in 1167,

while other that it is an..."

Alex. Yeah.

We're here.

(bell tolling)

( horn theme playing)

Whoa.

All right, now, we're going
to find a place to park,

and we'll meet you at your room.

Okay, Mal and I
will go with Alex.

No, no-no-no. No.

Why not?

Because, Mal...

Look, my roommate is nobility.

He's a direct descendant
of an aristocratic family.

If I make a bad
impression on this guy,

he could have be beheaded.

Well, make sure
we get invited to it.

ELYSE: Well, you
girls stay with us then.

Listen, Mom, uh,

I'm about to meet
William Clive-Hopkins,

Lord Cureton.

How do I act in front
of a guy like that?

You just be yourself.

My lord.

My lord, I beseech
you welcome me,

your humble roommate.

Don't you knock?

Ah, yes.

Forgive me, your lordship.

Lord, it's nice to meet you.

I mean, it's... It's
nice to meet you, lord.

I mean, my lord, it's
nice to meet you, my lord.

William is my name.

Lord is my title.

Alex is my name.

Keaton is my name, also.

I'm Alex Keaton,
the guy from America.

(chuckles)

So we're, uh, gonna be roomies,
for the next couple weeks, huh?

I suppose the answer to
that is, unfortunately, yes.

My bed?

Yes, that's your bed,
that's your wardrobe

and that's your desk.

And I guess we share the window.

No, the window's mine.

Fair enough.

Ah, there you are, Alex.

Uh, hi. I'm Elyse Keaton.

Ah, how do you do, Mrs. Keaton.

William Clive-Hopkins.

I'm Steven Keaton, and, uh,
this is our daughter, Jennifer.

How do you do. Nice to meet you.

Well, listen, William, uh, we
were just going to take Alex

out for a sort of
farewell dinner.

Want to join us?

Oh, well, that's very
kind of you, but I...

Sorry, Dad, I fell kind of...

behind.

( romantic theme playing)

I'd... I'd love to.

I don't know.

I don't feel comfortable
eating something called

"blood pudding."

Oh, come on, Jen.

We're in Oxford now.

Get into the culture.

Just think of the the centuries
of man's thought, knowledge...

Man's yearning that
resides in this city.

It's awe-inspiring.

Yeah.

Someday I'm going
to own this town.

That's the spirit.

MAN: I ask you
for the last time.

What is your real name?

Clifford Markham.

We know for a
fact that your name

is neither Clifford nor Cliff.

You are a Communist
spy with some ghastly,

unpronounceable,
Eastern European moniker.

Isn't that the truth?

I know nothing. Nothing?

Really, perhaps a few facts
will refresh your memory.

The Battle of Hastings
was fought in 1066.

An atom of hydrogen has
one proton and one electron.

Seventy percent
of all women enjoy...

Inspector.

All right.

I-I-I know what I'm doing,

I'm just trying to
keep him off balance.

Nicely done, sir.

You were recently
in the United States.

What were you doing?

I was at a wedding.

Not true.

We know for a fact that
you were taking photographs

of sensitive
military installations

with this ingenious spy camera.

Oh.

Borrow your hanky.

WILLIAM: So are you planning
to follow your father's footsteps

and go into the television
business, Mallory?

Um, probably not.
Maybe fashion design.

Fashion design.

Well, I'm sure you'll be
splendid at whatever you do.

Thank you. You're welcome.

Uh, you're welcome
too. Thank you.

You're welcome.

Um, so are you going to
go into the lord business, or...

(chuckles)

Oh, that sounded
really silly. I'm sorry.

Oh, no, no. I'm the one
who should be sorry.

I didn't mean to laugh.

Forgive me.

To answer your question: yes.

I am going into
the lord business.

It's a growth industry.

You see, I really don't
have much choice.

My father expects me to
follow in his footsteps precisely.

Oxford, the foreign
office, House of Lords.

Yeah, I know what you mean.

I had to go to Camp Tioga

because that's where
my Mom and Dad went.

We know that you
had the microfilm

when you boarded the plane.

You didn't have it when
you got off the plane.

We've searched the
plane and it's not there.

Well, I'm stumped.

(mumbles)

Sir.

We've located the
plane's seating chart.

Jolly good.

Jolly goo...

(chuckles)

Well, now you're beginning
to perspire heavily, aren't you?

You realize that you're
not dealing with fools.

Do you mind if I...

Please. Thank you very much.

'Cause we know
Harding's number one.

And then you just go:

Go-o-o-o Harding.

Well, that is...
That's remarkable.

I've never seen anybody
do anything like that before.

Really? Really.

Really?

No, never.

And I've never seen anyone
quite as beautiful as you,

if I may say so.

You may.

In fact, you may say
it again if you want.

( ominous theme playing)

STEVEN: Honey, I'm sorry.

Oh, come on, here,
let me trade with you.

Bring it all down to me.

I'll wash it and
get it back to you.

ALEX: I'll get the
laundry taken care of.

ELYSE: Steven,
come on. Okay, well...

Such nice people.

I hate to do this.

Now, you have our
number if you need anything.

Call any time day or night.

Mom, please.

A-Actually, Alex, just
call during the day.

It's getting awfully cold.

Are you sure you've
got enough blankets?

All right, Dad, can
you stop her, please?

Come on, darling.
Leave Alex alone.

You're embarrassing
him in front of his peers.

Well, actually, in
this case, his lords.

I am going to miss you so much.
I'm going to miss you too, Mom.

You too, lord. Oh,
thank you, Mrs. Keaton.

ALEX: Mom, please,
look, thanks for the ride up,

and I'm going to be fine. Okay?

So don't worry about a thing.

I'll try to control my anxiety.

MALLORY: Okay, now, don't forget

what I taught you.

I won't.

'Cause we know Harding,
you're number one.

Go-o-o-o-o Harding.

Uh, congratulations, Mal.

You just set Oxford
back 500 years.

Go, go, go.

STEVEN: Uh-huh.

Uh-huh.

Uh-huh.

He stopped sneezing, Ma?

Oh, that's great.

Andrew stopped sneezing.

No problems whatsoever.

Aw, terrific.

He's a fabulous
kid, isn't he, Ma?

I... No, I think you can
answer that objectively.

I... Listen, uh, what
time is it back there?

Four in the morning?

Gee, I hope I didn't wake you.

Oh, all right.

All right. Our love to you too.

Bye.

Everything's good.

Andy's fine.

Your mom sounds a
little cranky, though.

I wonder why.

Mom, I can't find my brush.

Oh, I think I have it.

Yeah, here it is.

That's not my brush.

It's not mine.

It's not mine either.

I can hardly lift it. Dad?

I left my brush back home.

I'm having some
bristles replaced.

JENNIFER: Well,
maybe it's Alex's.

I mean, it's just about
big enough for his head.

(chuckles)

Oh, well, maybe we should

just go down to Oxford
and, uh, drop it off.

Elyse, it's only been a day.

He's barely had a chance
to get his hair mussed up.

I know, but I miss him.

He's never really been
away from home before.

Yeah. We've noticed.

Elyse, I know how you feel,

but, uh, Alex is
only 60 miles away.

We can call him every day.

He'll be fine.

Okay. You're right.

I'm sorry.

Just my maternal instinct.

Probably has a whole new
group of friends already.

( string theme playing)

(bell dings)

(speaking indistinctly)

Ah, lads. I don't believe
you've met my new roommate,

Alex Keaton.

Alex, I'd like you to
meet Michael Avery,

Viscount Withers,
and Jonathan Bushing,

the lord of Nevitt.
Hi. How are you?

I'm the Alex of Keaton.

I mean, I'm Alex the Keaton.

I mean, how are
you doing, fellows?

(clears throat)

Oh, hello, sir.

How do you do? Hello, sir.

Keaton is a little nervous.

Oh, no-no-no. No.

It's, uh... This is nothing.

I'm always like this
at the start of school.

My first day at college,

I was so nervous I
forgot to bring my crayons.

(chuckles)

My crayons.

There's really nothing to
be nervous about, Keaton.

You're not the first outsider

to come to this institution
and have absolutely no hope

of understanding
our rules or traditions.

Good.

Good.

Keaton, I believe you
will really enjoy this class.

I'm sure I will.

History is one of
my strong subjects.

Really? That's splendid.

Professor Hardy is one
of great scholars at Oxford,

but there are a few things
you should know about him.

Like what?

Well, he's quite deaf,

so when you speak
make certain it's loud.

Otherwise, he won't
hear a word. Oh.

And if you want to stay
on the old man's good side,

sit right at the
front of the class.

Most important, ask as
many questions as possible.

Hardy admires inquisitive minds.

Uh, thanks very much.

I will.

Think nothing of it.

(all chattering)

Today we're discussing

the rebellion of the
American colonies.

(loudly) Uh, don't you mean
the American Revolution, sir?

Who are you?

I'm Alex Keaton.

What are you doing here?

Well, I'm a... I'm
a visiting student.

Where are you visiting from?

From America.

Why are you screaming at me?

Well, b-because...

(all laughing)

Are you Mallory Keaton?

Yeah.

Well, I hope you're
not allergic to flowers.

Thanks.

Wow.

I can't believe it.

I wonder who they're from.

They might be from the
person who signed the card.

It's from William.

"Night falls on dusk's
hopeful moments.

"Open and smiling like a flower.

"Warmth be my companion.

"A tear like morning dew.

Adieu."

I'll be in the bathroom
throwing up if you need me.

That's beautiful, Mallory.

What does it mean?

I have no idea.

It's useless.

This brush is empty.

That was my brush.

Sorry, Frederick.

You idiot.

That's the brush we stole
from the American girl.

This brush is empty too.

What do we do now?

Now we get serious.

So soon?

( ominous theme playing)

Leave it alone.

I can't bear it. It itches.

We need the disguise.

My idea was better.

To dress as bunnies?

Room check?

Towel check?

Take it easy, please.

People are living here.

We're trying to find
the brush, Luther.

We're ransacking the room.

We can do it neatly.

Where did you learn
to ransack, in a barn?

(all chattering)

Hi.

"Dear family, Oxford is great
fun and certainly everything

"I dreamed it would
be. (whistle blows)

"I'll have to play rugby
for the first time today.

"They say it's a
lot like football,

only there's a greater
chance of personal injury."

Well, are you ready, Keaton?

Oh, yes.

Yeah I sure am.

I was, uh, just wondering where
the rest of my equipment was.

What equipment?

Well, my equipment.

You know, my shoulder pads,

knee pads, elbow
pads. Protection.

Protection? Don't be silly.

We're just going out to
play a light spot of rugby.

What could you possibly
need protection from?

(whistle blows)

MAN: Man, I'm going to
crush you Sunday night.

(whistle blows)

( horn theme playing)

ALEX: I got it!

Whoa! Whoa, uh,
hold on a minute.

Uh, now... Now, let's just
discuss my options here, okay?

Now, when I get the ball...

Whoa!

(whistle blowing)

My goodness.

There's so many different
things to see in London.

There is. You know, I'd love
to do a documentary of London.

Why don't you do a documentary
about a girl, an American girl,

who comes here on vacation,

she never gets to shop
in any of the famous stores

she's always dreamed of.

She winds up coming
home with just a few sweaters

bought off the rack.

Because it would be too sad.

Come on, Dad. We're
not using our time here.

All we've been doing is...

Is visiting museums and
castles and places of interest.

You know, we're
not having any fun.

We happen to be
having a lot of fun.

No, we're not.

Yes, we are.

We're having great fun.

Elyse?

We're having a lot
of fun. Yeah-h-h.

Jen, are we having fun? No.

Hey, come on, we're having
fun. MALLORY: See what I mean?

(all speaking indistinctly)

All right, all right.

May... Maybe we should go
our separate ways this afternoon.

I mean, we... We do
have different priorities.

Well, I think it would be a
learning experience for us.

Be back at the hotel by 5:30.

Are you sure you're
comfortable with this?

Jennifer.

All right, look, I'll tell
you what, girls, if we...

We were having fun.

I was having fun.

We'd better separate.

You stick with the kids.

I'll follow the parents.

Go.

Well?

Do we have to?

I like it when we
work as a team.

Okay, okay.

I'm going.

Maybe we could meet
for coffee later, huh?

( horn theme playing)

(blows)

Anything wrong?

No, just...

I have a strange feeling
that we're being followed.

ELYSE: Oh, honey, you're just
tense. You haven't gotten over

that jet lag yet.

Maybe so.

Think the girls are doing okay?

Oh, I'm sure they're doing fine.

I guess it was a good
idea that we separated.

Let 'em see London
their own way.

Yeah.

I don't know why people think
that English food is not good.

This pizza's great.

I guess they just don't
know how to order.

You know, Mallory,
I've been thinking.

If you marry Lord William,
do I become a princess?

Well, I think you're
rushing things a little bit.

Well, Mallory, he
really likes you.

I could see it in
his royal blue eyes.

I like him too.

He's cute.

So why don't you get married?

'Cause I'm in high
school, for one thing.

What happens to Alex
if you marry royalty?

Well, he's a twit now.

I suppose he'll
become a royal twit.

"Everything is going great.

"The rugby game was so much
fun, I thought it would never end.

"Right now I'm eating dinner.

"And I've got plenty
of elbow room.

I just hope nobody
yells out, 'food fight.'"

Hello.

Hello.

Uh, none of these
seats are taken.

Uh, have you finished
with the, uh, salt?

Uh, the salt.

Yes, the salt.

Uh, no-no. No. No.

Thank you.

You're welcome.

"A good friend of mine

"just stopped by
to borrow some salt.

"We're very close.
Well, gotta go.

"The guys insist on
buying me a beer,

or, as you say here at
Brandstone College, a pint."

Hah. "Cheerio, your son,
Alex P. Keaton, Esquire."

Well, I guess I was
worried about nothing.

Alex is having a good time.

We're having a good time.

What could be better?

(shutter clicks)

Hey, Viscount.

Hey, Duke. How are you doing?

Say, Keaton, it's almost 2:00.

You're going to be
late for Hardy's class.

Hey, don't worry.

I'll be there.

(humming)

( ominous theme swells)

( military march theme playing)

(all laughing)

Everything all right, fellow?

Oh, couldn't be better, sir.

HARDY: Once again the Colonials
stormed the fortress at Saratoga

and his Majesty's...

(door shuts)

Go ahead, come on. Laugh.

Laugh! This is funny.

You guys think you're a riot.

I'll tell you what you are,
you're a bunch of jerks.

You know, I came to Oxford,

because I thought it was
going to be someplace special.

A place to learn,
a place to grow.

I thought, uh, I
was going to be part

of a great intellectual
community.

Tradition.

Well, if this is
the great tradition,

then I don't want
to be a part of it,

because I have pride in myself.

I am a good person.

You people would not
know a good person

if he came up and
bit you on the nose,

which I am going to do.

In fact, I challenge
all of you to a duel.

Not you, sir.

( string theme playing)

Whoa!

Hey, fellow. Hey, fellow.

(growling)

(cries out)

(patrons chattering)

Go long.

(glass shatters)

( melancholy theme playing)

(ducks squawking)

Sorry.

Keaton.

How's it going?

Well, let's see.

In the past week, I have,
uh, almost been run over,

got attacked by a dog,
thrown out of a pub,

came within an inch
of my life playing rugby,

and, uh, I think I just
hospitalized a duck.

It's about average.

You know, it's not as
difficult as it all seems.

(scoffs)

What are you referring
to? Rugby? Classes? Duck?

All of it. Fitting in.

It's really not that difficult.

Well, that's easy
for you to say.

See, you're a lord.

I mean, people
have to accept you

or they get in trouble
with the queen.

I must say, you're standing
up very well under the strain.

Your rugby performance
the other day,

was especially unique.

Think so?

Absolutely.

I'd never seen a team attack
one of its own players before.

Yeah.

Yeah, I had a feeling
that was kind of special.

The important thing
is you stuck in there.

I admire that.

And I admire what you
said before in Hardy's class

wearing only the towel.

Yeah, well, I had
a lot more to say,

but it was just
getting kind of cold.

I think what I'm
trying to say is,

Keaton, I admire you.

You stand up for yourself and,
well, you've got a lot of nerve.

You're all right.

Thanks.

I'd like to help if I can.
Try and help you to fit in.

What are you going to
do, have me knighted?

We've got our big race coming
up and we're short a man at crew.

Well, it's summer session.

It's a devil of a job
finding someone to fill in.

Why don't you give it a go?

Hey, uh, I don't know
that much about crewing.

Then we'd better
start work immediately.

( peaceful theme playing)

(coxswain shouting indistinctly)

ALEX: Ow. Ow. Ow.

Good rowing today, Keaton.

With hours of practice,
years of hard work,

you might just become
mediocre one day.

(chuckling)

Uh, Lord knows I'm trying, lord.

No, I actually think I
may be able to walk again

in about a month.

Really, though, you
were very good out there.

You're a natural athlete.

Yeah, I'm... I'm a
regular Willie Mays.

Who?

Willie...

Willie Mays. He
he was one of the...

One of the greatest
baseball players of all time.

At one point every
father in America

wanted his son to grow
up and be Willie Mays.

Did yours?

Uh, yeah, I think so.

Until, uh, my third
year in Little League.

The coach tried to trade
me to another team in, uh,

in Japan and he realized
it wasn't going to happen.

Was your father
very disappointed?

No.

No. See, my dad's not like that.

He... He just enjoyed
watching me play.

I mean, I still have the glove
he gave me with Willie Mays'

signature on the inside.

You're very close to
your father, aren't you.

I envy you that.

ALEX: Yeah.

That, uh... That
was from the fath...

Father-and-son picnic,
sophomore year in high school.

Dad was the
executive vice chairman

of the Fathers Committee.

Ah.

Which really means he got stuck
making hamburgers and hot dogs

for 200 kids.

Two hundred kids.
Didn't he mind?

No. No, you see, you've gotta...

Gotta know my dad.

He loves that stuff.

He makes a game out of it.

He used to say he
had a secret recipe

and then he'd bring the food out

surrounded by all the other
fathers dressed as armed guards.

Can't imagine my dad
doing anything like that.

Chef's hat,
father-and-son picnic,

or even laughing with
me the way your father's

laughing with you here.

I'd just saved his life too.

(whistles)

ELYSE: This is a
beautiful spot, isn't it.

Very beautiful, yes.

I can't believe we're sitting
here having tea by the Thames.

You know, just 500 years ago
they were chopping off heads

a few yards away at
the Tower of London.

Afterwards, they probably
came down here to unwind.

Mm-hm.

They're good eaters.

I'm getting hungry
watching them.

Shut up.

Keep your eyes
peeled for the brush.

Well, so far, this vacation
has been everything

we could have hoped
for. (boat horn honks)

Elyse, I don't mean to put

a damper on your
spirit or anything,

but do you ever get a strange
sort of feeling about this trip?

I don't follow. Do
you mean about Alex?

No, not about him.

It sounds like he's doing fine.

It's just that there have
been a couple of odd,

unexplainable events
that have been on my mind.

Like what?

Well, like that man you
were talking to on the plane.

The one that attracted
half the police in England

when we landed.

Oh, well, we talked about that.

Now I-I admit that
was unusual, but...

But we don't know for sure
what was going on there.

What could it have been?

He had an overdue library book?

I think we can assume that
man was involved in some sort

of serious trouble.

Well, why should we assume
it had anything to do with us?

This feeling I've had
we're being followed.

Oh, honey, nothing
strange is going on.

You're just a little
fatigued, a little tired.

Call it jet lag, call
it what you will.

So you think I've been
imagining these things?

Very likely.

You're a very
creative kind of guy.

Nothing strange going on?

No.

Sure?

I'm sure.

Okay.

Waiter, the check.
WAITER: Yes, sir.

(motorcycle revs)

All right, that was strange.

Thanks very much.

Elyse, we have to
face certain facts.

Somehow, some way,

for some reason
completely unknown to us,

we have become involved
in some bizarre intrigue.

Some weird mystery surrounds us.

ELYSE: I don't like this.

I've never been in a
weird mystery before.

And I have?

Sorry.

Something crazy's
going on here, Elyse.

No one is to be trusted.

No one is to be believed.

We must check and double
check everything and everyone

that comes into our life.

Elyse, I'd like to see
some identification, please.

Oh, Steven.

You know, I think the other guys
are starting to warm up to me?

Really?

Yeah, yesterday, uh, Jonathan
was walking by me and he said,

"Keaton, get out
of the way. Move."

Well, it wasn't so
much what he said,

it was the way he
said it, you know?

Something to build on.

They're actually very nice
when you get to know them.

They are, how do
you Americans say,

"groovy guys."

No, we Americans don't
say "groovy," William.

Only people from
California say "groovy,"

and I think they stopped
saying it about 10 years ago.

Now only my parents say it.

I've never been to California.

I'd like to see it.

Well, California's a
very strange place.

You know, I think
it's 'cause the the sun

is shining all the time.

The people are too mellow.

They're too laid back.

It's for people like my sister,

for whom getting a good
tan is a religious experience.

You don't like
your sister, do you?

No, I like my sister.

I love my sister.

She's a very sweet person.

She's got a good heart.

We just have different goals.

You know, I-I want to
be a captain of industry

and she wants to be
captain of the pep squad.

I like her too. A lot.

I noticed.

Has she said anything
to you about me?

No, but, uh, she likes you.

She does?

Sure.

Well, what makes you think so?

The other day she came up to
me an-and asked me if America

was ever going to be
a British colony again.

What a strange question.

You must have been surprised.

Yeah.

I didn't know she
knew it had been.

CLERK: May I help you, sir?

Yes, do you have a...?

Oh, I'm sorry.
You were here first.

Oh, no, really...

No. No, please. Please,
go ahead. I insist.

Ha-ha-have you got
any messages for me?

What's your name, sir?

Uh, I'm, uh, Flynn-Davies.

Mr. Flynn-Davies.

I'm sorry, sir.

We don't seem to have you
registered as a guest here.

Oh, really?

Very well. Thank you.

What's the matter?

Don't turn around.

Wish you hadn't said that, it
makes me want to turn around.

I think we're being
followed by that man

that was just here at the desk.

Can I look now?

Okay, you can look now.

Slowly. Ha-ha, don't be obvious.

Just, uh, man over by the fern,

reading the brochure
upside-down.

Well?

I'm dizzy.

You see him? Yes.

STEVEN: Did you
ever see him before?

No. Neither have I.

Okay, let's try something,

let's just casually stroll over
to the door see if he follows.

Sounds like a good idea.

Okay, ready? On your
mark, get set, stroll.

Okay, it's official.

We're being followed.

Okay, now, wh-what
are we going to do?

Make a break for the elevator.

(elevator bell dings)

(cries out)

Well, it works.

Leads right up here.
All the steps in place.

Well done.

What?

That's ridiculous.

Uh... Microfilm?

Spies?

I-I don't believe
a word of this.

You've got to believe
me, Mrs. Keaton.

Somehow, in some way,

Clifford Markham
has managed to place

that microfilm in
your possession.

How can you be so
sure that it's Elyse?

It has got to be
her, Mr. Keaton.

I checked all the other
passengers. Nothing.

Also, one of my men
planted on the plane

reported that
Markham was engaged

in animated conversation
with an attractive

blonde woman about 25 years old.

Well, that couldn't be... Uh,
that sounds like you, dear.

(knocking on door)

More towels?

Courtesy of the management, sir.

Well, put them in the bathroom,
I guess, if you can find room.

Uh, look.

I-I don't mean to be rude,
and this is awfully nice,

but even if we were
to shower continuously

for the next 10 days,

I don't see how we
can use all these towels.

Take some of them
home with you, sir.

I can't believe this
is happening to us.

I'm afraid it is, Mrs. Keaton.

Somewhere in this room,

somewhere in your
possession is the microfilm.

I can sense it.

Would you like
me to take that out

and have it
cleaned for you, sir?

I beg your pardon?

The brush, shall I
have it cleaned for you?

It's a free service
of the hotel.

That's my son Alex's brush.

(whimpers)

He's up at Oxford.

Oxford?

You're in luck.

That's on the
brush delivery route.

What?

(knocking on door)

Look, guys, I'm sorry,

but I'm going to have
to put my foot down here.

No more towels.

You stupid fool!

WILLIAM: Well, if you
don't like California, Alex,

where do you think
you'll end up living?

Ah, a little city in
America called New York.

Ah, New York.

Yes, I've heard of it.

Actually, it was
named after my uncle.

(bell dinging)

See, New York. That's...
That's my kind of town, you know:

power, action, finance.

They say, walking
along Wall Street

on a warm spring day,

if the wind is
blowing just right,

you can actually smell

the fragrance of
money in the air.

Money is very
important to you, isn't it?

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, I put money in the same
level of importance as oxygen

and a well-balanced diet.

It's one of the
few things in life

that's not good in moderation.

Well, what about
art and literature,

dance and theatre?

Yeah, I enjoy a good dance
as much as the next guy,

but it's a matter of
priorities, William.

See, you've already got
your title and your money.

So you can relax, you can go
to the museum, you can buy art.

I'm going to buy culture too,
after I've made my fortune.

I'm sorry to be the one to
have to break this to you, Alex,

but I don't think your
future lies in finance.

What do you mean?

You have the face of a poet.

Shh, don't say that.

Poets make very little money.

You're going to
turn out to be a poet,

I have a very strong
feeling about it.

Are you a psychic or something?

No.

Phew.

WILLIAM: I was wondering if you
and your family would care to join me

this weekend at Randall
Hall, our place in the country.

ALEX: Wow, that
sounds, uh, bloody lovely.

WILLIAM: Smashing.

ALEX: Pip pip.

WILLIAM: Is that a yes?

ALEX: You bet.

WILLIAM: Your folks can
watch you in the big race

and I can watch Mallory.

ALEX: Well, wait a minute.

You sure there's going
to be room for all of us?

WILLIAM: Oh, yes. We
can probably squeeze you in.

(turns off)

WILLIAM: Welcome
to Randall Hall.

I'm so glad you could come.

You grace our simple
lodgings with your beauty.

Alex, you look so wonderful.
STEVEN: Thank you.

I don't think he means you, Dad.

Oh.

How do you do.
How do you do, sir.

(clears throat)

ALL: Go-o-o-o-o Harding.

Ooh! Ooh, honey, I
didn't mean to startle you.

Honey, you're going
to have to try and relax.

You know, ever since you found
out that we might be carrying

some sensitive spy photographs
you... You've been so tense.

Call me old-fashioned,

but that's the kind of news that
happens to tense me up a little.

Oh, Steven.

Elyse, this is not the
vacation we signed up for.

Six days, five nights
London. Countryside.

A case of foreign intrigue.

Honey, we're here
for the whole weekend.

Just try and relax.

Throw that nasty spy stuff
out of your pretty little head.

Have a wonderful time

just the two of us.

Surprise.

What are you doing here?

Why are you dressed like that?

What do you mean,
"What am I doing here?"

I needed some extra money.

(chuckles)

I'm protecting you.

What do you think
I was doing here?

Do you really think
there's any danger here?

We can't take any chances.

Criminals don't take the
weekend off, Mr. Keaton.

Well, I suppose they
might sometimes,

if they had tickets for
the opera or the ballet,

but as a general rule,
crime has no Sabbath.

I was just hoping we could
enjoy ourselves this weekend.

This is just a precaution.

My men and I are
here in disguise,

ready to act if they
should strike again.

If they do, we are ready.

If they don't...

Well, we've had a weekend
in the country, haven't we?

( horn theme playing)

WILLIAM: You're doing
very well. (all chattering)

MALLORY: Hit it that way.

JENNIFER: Okay.

Good.

Oh, thanks.

Thank you.

You know, I could
get used to this life.

Yeah, it's not hard, is it?

I've completely forgotten
about our other life.

I mean, who are we anyway?

I can't believe we're here.

It's like being in a fairy tale.

Hey, Mallory, you
could be Cinderella.

What if...? What if William
asked you to try on a glass slipper?

(both giggle)

Ladies, ladies,
please, a little decorum.

You're not in America now.

Sorry, Alex.

Sorry, Alex.

He's the wicked stepmother.

(both giggling)

Give me strength, Lord.

( horn theme playing)

Don't give up.

You're doing very
well. Oh, I am?

Yes. You have a natural
instinct for the game.

Uh, the court's
in that direction.

Oh.

Mallory,

you're a complete
revelation to me.

Oh, sorry, I don't mean to be.

No, it's wonderful.

You see, everything in my
life has been so planned out:

my schooling, my
career, even my friends.

And then you came along.

You're the first real
surprise I've ever had.

I love surprises.

For the first time in
my life, being with you,

I don't feel like Lord Cureton.

I feel like William
Clive-Hopkins.

Billy Clive-Hopkins.

Billy's a good name.

I've never been kissed
by a prince before.

Frightened I'll
turn into a frog?

Ribbit.

(giggling)

( string theme playing)

WILLIAM: Every male
member of the Cureton family

has gone to Oxford since 1237.

MALLORY: Yeah, I
go to Harding High.

It's eight years old.

Uh, Alex went there
and Jen will go there too.

Tradition.

Yeah.

Wow, what are all these?

The names of Oxford
men who've died in battle.

They were so young.

Oh, don't be sad, please.

I didn't bring you
here to make you sad.

This chapel has always been
a very special place for me.

Ever since I was a little boy,

whenever I had a problem
or I was depressed,

I'd come here.
Sometimes for hours.

Yeah, when I'm
depressed I go shopping.

I'd just sit here
and I could feel

the history of
England in the room.

It would somehow
make me feel a part of...

Well, a part of
something bigger.

Made my problems seem
very small and manageable.

It's nice to have a
special place to go.

Do you?

Um, my room, I guess.

I go there when I
want to be alone,

or get away from
Alex, or just think.

But it doesn't look
anything like this, but it's me.

Well, that's why I
wanted you to see this,

because in a way, it's me.

I wanted you to like it.

To like me.

I think I'm falling in
love with you, Mallory.

How can that be?

I mean, you're Lord Cureton

and I'm Mallory Keaton
of Columbus, Ohio.

Maybe that's why.

Earl.

Yes, Alex.

I'd... I'd like to mention
one word to you, sir,

if I... If I may.

And what is that?

"Condominium."

I beg your pardon?

You could bulldoze
this place down

and put up condominiums,
make a killing.

(chuckles) Tear
down Randall Hall?

It's been in our
family for 400 years.

(balls clunking)

Well, it's time to move
on then, isn't it, sir?

Now, we're talking
600 first class units.

Hot tubs, no kids, no pets.

Ah, this is good.

Ah.

( string theme playing)

(lowing)

(cries out)

Whoa, Steven!

What happened?

Get... Get the oar.

Can you grab it?

(laughs)

(door opens)

Hey, Mal.

Oh, hi.

Hi. Uh, what can I do for you?

I wanted to take a picture.

You got it.

Where do you want me to stand?

In the hall.

Uh, Mal...

Well, I-I... See, I didn't
want to get one of you,

I wanted to get one of the room.

Well, you see, you do it my
way, you get me and the room.

It just enhances
the picture, that's all.

Well, I'll just come back later.

No. No-no-no. No, uh, go
ahead, take your picture.

I'll, uh, get out of the way.

(scoffs)

All right, Alex, you win,
you can be in the picture.

Kind of a nothing
shot without me, huh?

Okay, uh, what kind of
speed film are you using there,

what filter have you got on?

Alex, I said you
can be in the picture,

you can't boss me around
and tell me how to shoot it.

All right, you got it.

You just tell me where to stand.

I'm a pawn in your photograph.

Well, the table's fine.

No, the table's
terrible, Mal. Alex.

Alex.

Okay, uh, here we go.

Um, can you be a
little bit more natural?

What, more natural than this?

Well, you look like
a stuffed walrus.

Mal... (shutter clicks)

Gotcha. Thanks.

You know what?

What?

I miss you.

I'll bet. No, I do.

I mean, I'm as
surprised as you are.

You're my sister.

You're in a foreign country.

I'm worried about you.

Ever think of that?

No.

Sit down.

How's your vacation going?

It's been great.

Yeah?

How are things between
you and, uh, William?

Alex...

Well, come on, I
don't mean to pry,

but you're my sister,
he's my roommate.

Legally I'm entitled to know
if you two are getting serious.

William and I are fine.

All right, well, you
just let me know

if you need me for anything.

Okay.

Well, how's Oxford?

I mean, is it
everything you hoped?

Uh, yeah.

Yeah.

Oxford. Oxford is great.

It couldn't be better.

I feel like I was born there.

Like I-I got tea running
through my veins.

Well, good. I'm glad
you're so comfortable there.

Did William say I
wasn't comfortable?

No, he didn't say anything.

He didn't, uh, say
anything about me at all?

About me, oh,
uh, not fitting in?

Having problems?

No. You sure?

Alex, you may find
it hard to believe,

but we do find other things
to talk about besides you.

Uh, because the fact is, uh,

it's been kind of
tough for me fitting in.

I'm sorry.

I mean, except for William,

the other guys pretty
much ignore me.

Well, hang in there.

Things will work out.

You know, for a while there,
I actually thought it was me.

You know?

I mean, I don't know
if you notice this,

but sometimes I
can get a little pushy.

Uh, I hadn't noticed.

Yeah, well, you look up to me.

See, you're blind to my flaws.

Oh, yeah, I guess that's it.

Yeah, you're different
that way anyway.

I mean, you get
along with people.

You... You're yourself.

You know, people
like you right away.

Well, people like you too, Alex.

Not right away.

Well, no, not right away,
but they learn to like you.

Yeah, after...
After a little while.

Well, not... Not always
after a little while.

After... After a long while.

Well, I don't know...

How long till
people like me, Mal?

Till they have lived
with you for 18 years.

(shutter clicks)

Thanks.

CURETON: Don't forget lads,

you'll be rowing for the
glory of Minerva Hall today,

a tradition of excellence
and spirit of competition

that goes back for
seven centuries.

Pretty impressive, huh, Mom?

Don't forget to dress warm.

Mom, I'm going to
be wearing a uniform.

A T-shirt, shorts.

Carry a jacket.

Don't worry.

Well, we'd better be off.

The race doesn't actually
start for another two hours.

Well, we're going to have
another cup of tea, pack,

and meet you there.

Splendid.

Good luck, Alex.

Thanks, Dad.

Well, what about it, father?

What about a hug?

Most certainly not.

We have servants to do that.

Thank you, Cummings.

Okey-dokey.

(engine starts)

Goodbye. Bye.

Cheerio... Whoa!

CURETON: Goodbye. Good luck.

Buh-bye!

See you!

This is so frustrating.

We've searched through
everything and haven't come up

with that blasted brush.

You should stop drinking
so much coffee, Frederick.

It makes you edgy.

You clown.

You think this is all a
silly game, don't you?

He's edgy.

Obviously, they have no idea

where the microfilm
is being hidden.

We must keep them at the
table until they realize the film

is in the brush, and then
follow them as they lead us to it.

ALL: Yeah.

Oh, no, no. No more, please.

We're stuffed.

But you must.

Your host will be
offended. Yeah.

Well, now... Now,
these are nice,

the watercress
sandwiches with no crusts.

What do you do
with all those crusts?

We serve a high tea
for pigeons, ma'am.

(chuckles)

Well, let's go over it
once again, shall we?

Recount, if you will,
the series of events

that happened after you arrived
here. Anything that happened

that you think is
out of the ordinary.

Well, nothing specific.
Just this curious sensation

that we're constantly
being watched.

Yes, but what else?
Any strange event

that you haven't told me about?

W... Now, you know,
there was that strange man

that first morning at the hotel.

You know, he came up to
me and he wanted to borrow

something.

Yes, yes, t-that's right.

Now, what was it he
wanted to borrow, Elyse?

ELYSE: Uh, it was, um...

(coughs): Brush.

Excuse me.

(coughs): Brush.

STEVEN: Wait a minute.

I think it was a hairbrush
that he wanted to borrow.

Right, right.

Right over there. Put
the cart right over there.

You know, t-that's
right. That was so odd.

He wanted to borrow
my... My hairbrush.

I see.

And then we found that
strange-looking brush.

And then Mallory
couldn't find her brush.

Then that guy on the motor
scooter tried to grab my brush.

If only we could detect
some common theme.

A thread to tie it all together.

The brush! The brush!

Sorry, I...

I-I don't follow.

The microfilm must
be hidden in the brush.

Gosh, what will
they think of next?

Markham must have
slipped it into my bag

before he was arrested.

Well, then, here's the
ten-pound question:

Where is the brush?

Why is it so quiet in here?

Is this a hospital zone?

Jennifer, where is that brush
with the strange-looking handle?

I gave it to Alex.

(mouths): Alex? (mouths): Alex?

I thought it was his.
I stuck it in his bag.

He took it with him
to Oxford for the race.

(mouths): Oxford?
(mouths): Oxford?

It must be quitting time.

Steven! Oh, no!

Hurry!

STEVEN: Come on, Honey!

(whistles)

Quick.

Everybody in.

(all chattering)

( tense theme playing)

MAN: Come on, now.

Dad, will you slow down? I don't
know what you're talking about.

I mean, I... I don't
know that brush.

Alex, please, the one
with the carved handle.

Find it now.

All right.

I got it. I got it.
I got it. I got it.

I got it.

You got it? Good.

This is an incredibly
ugly brush, by the way.

See if the handle slides.

Hey. It slides. I'm sliding.

Yeah, there's something
in here, Dad. It's tiny.

It's film.

It's tiny film.

It's microfilm.

Now... Now, Alex,
listen carefully.

Some guys, dressed as footmen,

are on their way right
now to get the brush.

D... Dad, have you
been at the brandy?

Alex, listen. These men

must not get it.
(tires screeching)

Do you hear me?

Now, take the brush, go
to the police immediately.

We'll meet you there.

Dad. Yeah.

I'm gonna have to come
up with another plan.

Our friends the
footmen are here.

( suspenseful theme playing)

CURETON: Hello.

Ah! Don't shoot!

Ah. Ah, don't...

"Don't shoot" is an
American expression.

Uh, it's very similar in meaning
to, uh, "Hello, how are you?"

Hey, Alex. Hey,
Mal. Don't shoot.

Alex, we've only got 15
minutes to get down there.

Father, I'm so sorry you
can't stay for the race.

Well, I wish I could,
but I've got to get back

for a session at the
House of Lords. Good luck.

Oh, get off, William.

Now, this is all your
influence, young man.

Good luck. Uh...

Oh.

I say.

Isn't that a beauty.

Never seen one quite like it.

Consider it a gift. What?

Uh, the brush. Take it.

Oh... No, no, no, I insist.

Uh, take it as a token of...

Of Anglo, uh,
American friendship.

Uh, take it...
Take it to London.

Take it to the House of Lords.
Just... Just take it and go.

Come on.

Which way?

You oaf!

This way.

Here's my car. In you go.

Jump!

Whoo! Come on.

Come on!

Come on.

(all cheering)

Over there.

COACH: All right, keep
your hands together.

Row!

COACH: Dig deeper!

Dig.

( upbeat marching theme playing)

Keep the pace.

Keep the pace.

Hi!

Hi!

Psst, sonny.

Sonny, may we
have a word with you?

Come on, hold up.
Keep it straight, man.

I can't row... Just get...

(muttering)

Get rowing!

COACH: That's it.

Steady.

Alex! Alex! Alex!

The brush! You've got the brush!

The hairbrush! The brush!

The brush! Where is it?

Alex! Come on.

(speaks indistinctly)

Please, be a good boy.

Give us a minute.

No.

We have to get the
brush with the microfilm!

(muttering)

Psst. Sonny!

We'll meet you over there!

Alex! Alex!

Where's the brush!
Where's the hair brush?

Hair.

Where's the brush,
Alex? Alex, come on!

Luther, row faster.

Hopeless, hopeless.
We'll never get the brush.

COACH: Keep it coming!

Pull!

Keep it coming!

Deeper!

That's it!

Keep coming! All together!
Keep the pace. Pull.

Stroke! Stroke!

(sighs)

Nice going, Alex.

We've won.

Ha-ha-ha-ha.

Bravo.

MAN: Wait a minute, Alex.

Hey, Alex, that was great.

All right, boy, enough
fun and games.

Where's the brush? What brush?

I don't what brush
you're talking about.

I don't know anything. Brush.

What brush?

The brush with the funny handle.

Mallory. None of
your business, okay?

She doesn't know
anything about any brush.

Wait, yes, I do, Alex. I
know which one you mean.

No, Mallory! She
doesn't! She doesn't!

They're talking about
a different brush.

They don't... No,
Mallory, don't s...

The one you gave
to the Earl of Cureton.

Don't say...

The one he took to
the House of Lords.

Anything. Get the boy!

G... Mallory. (screams)

Way to go, Mal.

STEVEN: Alex!

Mallory!

They're not in there.

Well, where are they, Steven?
I mean, where could they be?

I don't know. We'll just
have to keep looking.

ELYSE: Alex! STEVEN: Alex!

STEVEN: Alex!

All right, all right.
Look, buddy.

We are American citizens.

Now, I demand you stop this
car right now and let us out.

No.

Okay. I got a date with a
member of the royal family tonight.

And you are not
allowing that to take place.

I'm sure that's some sort of
crime in this country, isn't it?

ALEX: Whoa.

Got 'em on the run now, Mal.

Preventing Royal Dating.

It's just a matter of minutes
before they surrender to us.

(Alex sighs)

Nothing.

I've checked the dorm.
There's no one there.

He checked the dorm.
There's no one there.

Psst. Psst.

Hey.

Mr. and Mrs. Keaton.

Excuse me for
screaming. I'm over-excited.

Can I help you? No, no.

But I can help you.

I-I wouldn't normally do this.

I mean, it is
technically treason,

and I could be shot for it.

But you're such nice people.

I hate to see you aggravated.

W-what is it? What
are you talking about?

Who are you?

You don't know me,
but I've brought you

a lot of towels in
the last ten days,

and you're such a nice family.

It has been a
pleasure tailing you.

Alex and Mallory,
they're such sweet kids.

Wait. What about
Alex and Mallory?

I never really wanted
to be a spy, you know.

Orthodonture was always...

What about Alex and Mallory?!

They've been taken
to the House of Lords

to find the Earl of
Cureton, who has the brush.

Brush. The brush.

Keep in touch.

( regal theme playing)

(chatter)

Built in the year 1275,

the House of Lords is
a marvelous example

of English late-Gothic
architecture of the period.

The Lords' Robing Room is,

as you might imagine,

the room where the
Lords do their robing.

I'm very sorry, but this room
is out of bounds for tours.

I'm terribly sorry, my
lord, I had no idea.

But you see, these
two young Americans

are personal friends
of the Earl of Cureton,

and... CURETON: Mallory.

Alex.

That's all right,
my dear old friend.

I know these people.

What in heaven's name
are you doing here?

We missed you. We
were in the neighborhood.

Heh, how nice. How
did you do at crew?

We won.

We came in second.

And where is William?

He's coming. He's home.

He's coming. He's home.

(gong bongs) Oh, I must go.

Why don't you watch proceedings
from the stranger's gallery?

We can't. We will.

Oh.

All right. We have
what we came for.

Let's get out of here.

What do we do with these two?

I don't suppose we could
continue with the tour?

We'll deal with
them later. Let's go.

(tires screeching outside)

WEISS: Coppers.

Go around the back.

ELYSE: Come on, you guys.

Damn the luck.
They're everywhere.

Stay where you are.

I'm warning you.

What do we do now?

I'll think of something.

Which way do we...?

Come on, chaps.

Find Lord Cureton's stall,

and hurry.

(muffled grunting)

Honey. Out of the way, quick.

(muffled grunting)

ELYSE: Mallory! Alex!

I beg to differ
with you, my lord.

That is your
lordship's privilege,

but I submit that
your lordship's position

is entirely without foundation.

If we were to eliminate
all heavy industry

from London proper,

the per capita tax base
would fall like a stone.

And then, I ask,

where should we be?

Precisely where we are
at the moment, my lord.

(lords murmuring)

The middle class is
leaving London in droves.

They are running, my lord.

They're running from the
smokestacks of heavy industry.

I believe Lord Finch

has something to say
in support of my claim.

Lord Finch.

Oh, well.

Lord Finch.

Finchie.

(quiet gasps)

A moment, please.

I've lost my notes.

(lords murmuring)

Our quarry, the brazen
swine, are dressed up as lords.

They're all through there,
sitting down... Good Lord.

Uh, my lord. Oh, hello.

How are you, your grace? Yes.

And we have reason to
believe that one of them

has got the brush on his person.

Yeah, but we know
what they look like,

so why don't we
go in and get them?

We just can't go in
there guns blazing, Alex.

This isn't one of your
Western shoot-me-ups. No.

This is the House of Lords.

Air pollution is
stinky and messy,

and I think I
speak for all of us

when I say we do
not like air pollution

and we would not
have it in our homes.

(lords murmuring in approval)

WEISS: Air pollution
means many things

to many people.

To me it means schmutz,

or as we English say, dirt.

Dirt which is
darkening our skies,

darkening our landscapes,

darkening our nights,
which are already dark

except in summer.

When you or I look out of
our window in the morning,

we want to see
birdies, and rabbits,

and the sun, and the blue sky...

Can I have a word with you?

Oh.

Whoa! Ow!

Alex! I've got him.

( suspenseful theme playing)

ELYSE: Honey!

(indistinct shouting)

Oh, you get...

You get back!

ALEX: Get him!

MALLORY: Get him! Get him!

Get him, get him.

(whistle tweets)

Gentlemen. My lord.

As we enter the House of Lords,

I would like to tell you
that the tradition of propriety

lives in this building

as nowhere else in all England.

Out of my way!

Stop that man! Stop him!

(indistinct shouting)

Watch out.

Sorry.

(whistle tweeting) Alex!

This way, my Lord.

Inspector, come on.

Follow that truck.

This is outrageous behavior.

Mallory.

Come on, Mom. Get him.

( action theme playing)

Whoa, whoa, whoa! Stop that guy.

Whoa.

Alex.

CURETON: William. ELYSE: Steven.

MALLORY: Wait for me.

Over there. Hey!

(whistle tweeting)

I got him!

Steven!

Don't let him get away.

(horn honks)

(grunts)

Get away from me.

I'm okay. Go on, Alex.

Go get him. I'm fine.

ELYSE: Steven,
are you all right?

Alex. Alex. Come on, come on.

Get him.

Hey! Watch it!

WEISS: The brush!

(whistle tweets)

I got him, I got him. Oh.

Ah!

Thanks.

Alex. Oh, you've got it.

Ah. Yes.

Congratulations, my lord.
Congratulations to you too.

Thank you, sir.

Oh, that's my boy.

(laughs)

Oh. Well done,
William, well done.

Ha-ha-ha-ha.

Old Oxford won't be the
same without you, Alex.

Yeah, well, that's true
of wherever I leave.

I'm planning on coming
to Ohio next summer

to see you and
Mallory and Willie Mays.

Uh, Willie doesn't get up
there as much as you'd like.

Mallory'll be there.

It's not about lines
on the map, is it, Alex?

I mean friendship.

No.

No, I think it'd be crazy
to leave our personal lives

to the map makers of the world.

It's about people.

Thanks.

Keaton. Keaton.
Ah, before I forget,

your crewmates have
something for you.

You're not getting
away that easily.

Congratulations.
Here you are, William.

This is from us all. It's
a blade to remind you

of your time here with us all.

This is great. Thanks.

Congratulations. Thank you.

And I have something I think
I'd like you to remember me by.

It's a knight's breastplate

emblazoned with
the Cureton crest.

A symbol of bravery.

Well, uh, thank you.

This is, uh...

This... This is...

This is not carry-on luggage.

(all chuckle)

So how do you feel now?

Great. Thing shave been
a little crazy, but, you know,

for the first time, I think
I've really begun to relax

and enjoy this vacation.

WOMAN (on PA): British Caledonian
flight 221 to New York's Kennedy Airport

is now boarding at
Gate 12. That's us.

Okay, come on. Come on.

That's us, honey.

Where's your book,
honey? Right here.

Ah. Okay.

STEVEN: Yeah,
there's five tickets.

ELYSE: Go on up.
STEVEN: You bet.

Goodbye.

Great. All right.
Thanks very much.

Sorry. Excuse me. Oh,
I'm sorry, you can't...

But I...

Mallory! Mallory, it's me!

Hi. Hi.

I didn't think you'd make it.

No, certainly I'd make it. Oh.

There was a parade
and it was just...

Oh, what does it
matter? I got here.

WOMAN (on PA):
This is the final call...

Oh, that's for me. I'm
going to miss you, Mallory.

I'm gonna miss you too.

I don't know... Well, I've
never felt about anyone

the way I feel about you. Our
time together was so special.

Well, it doesn't have to end.

Well, shall I come
and visit you?

Yeah, yeah, come visit me.

I will. I will.

You and Alex and Willie Mays.

Who?

I love you, Mallory.

I love you too.

(applause, cheering)

Oh. Hi.

Okay. Thank you.

Great. There you go, honey.

Comfy?

Perfectly.

Well, I'm kind of glad
that seat is empty. Heh.

Oh, me too.

Hello. Hello.

Well, what brings
you to America?

Elyse.

( upbeat theme playing)

( upbeat jazzy theme playing)