Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated:
1
00:00:01,730 --> 00:00:04,930
ś It seems today
that all you see ś
2
00:00:04,930 --> 00:00:08,330
ś Is violence in movies
and sex on TV ś
3
00:00:08,340 --> 00:00:12,180
ś But where are those
good old-fashioned values ś
4
00:00:12,170 --> 00:00:15,040
ś On which we used to rely? ś
5
00:00:15,040 --> 00:00:18,140
ś Lucky there's a family guy ś
6
00:00:18,150 --> 00:00:22,090
ś Lucky there's a man
who positively can do ś
7
00:00:22,080 --> 00:00:24,010
ś All the things that make us ś
8
00:00:24,020 --> 00:00:25,080
ś Laugh and cry ś
9
00:00:25,090 --> 00:00:31,530
ś He's... a...
Fam... ily... Guy! ś
10
00:00:35,160 --> 00:00:37,290
ANNOUNCER (on TV):
And now our feature
presentation,
11
00:00:37,300 --> 00:00:40,100
Lawrence of Arabia,
presented in its original
12
00:00:40,100 --> 00:00:42,930
Ulta-Cinemascope
letterbox format.
13
00:00:42,940 --> 00:00:44,840
(music theme plays)
14
00:00:44,840 --> 00:00:46,100
LOIS:
Well, I can't see anything.
15
00:00:46,110 --> 00:00:48,880
STEWIE:
Who's the rather attractive
girl on the camel?
16
00:00:48,880 --> 00:00:49,980
BRIAN:
That's Peter O'Toole.
17
00:00:49,980 --> 00:00:51,320
PETER:
You film buffs might enjoy this.
18
00:00:51,310 --> 00:00:54,910
Both his first and last names
are slang for "penis."
19
00:00:54,920 --> 00:00:57,960
We interrupt this program
to bring you exciting news.
20
00:00:57,950 --> 00:00:59,920
Family Feud
will be coming to Quahog.
21
00:00:59,920 --> 00:01:03,020
Auditions are being held
tomorrow at the Civic Center.
22
00:01:03,020 --> 00:01:05,250
Family Feud's
coming to Quahog?
23
00:01:05,260 --> 00:01:06,290
Peter, we
should try out.
24
00:01:06,290 --> 00:01:09,730
A family can win
$5,000 on that show.
25
00:01:09,730 --> 00:01:10,760
$5,000?
26
00:01:10,760 --> 00:01:13,230
I could get that cave for the
front yard I've always wanted,
27
00:01:13,230 --> 00:01:15,660
and then tell people
not to go in there.
28
00:01:15,670 --> 00:01:17,300
(kids laughing)
29
00:01:17,300 --> 00:01:19,000
Hey, you kids stay
out of that cave!
30
00:01:19,010 --> 00:01:21,310
You don't know
what's in there!
31
00:01:21,310 --> 00:01:24,740
(sighs)
Money well spent.
32
00:01:28,050 --> 00:01:30,480
We're looking for fun,
interesting families
33
00:01:30,480 --> 00:01:32,080
that viewers will
want to watch.
34
00:01:32,090 --> 00:01:33,790
You folks have any
interesting stories?
35
00:01:33,790 --> 00:01:35,130
Lois, tell him about
the whole stitches thing
36
00:01:35,120 --> 00:01:37,020
when Chris was born.
Never mind, I'll tell it.
37
00:01:37,020 --> 00:01:39,190
Lois was so wrecked,
they had to sew her up
38
00:01:39,190 --> 00:01:41,220
and open up a new vagina
right next to the first one.
39
00:01:41,230 --> 00:01:43,060
You know, kinda like
when they build a new bridge
40
00:01:43,060 --> 00:01:44,290
next to the old bridge,
and you're like,
41
00:01:44,300 --> 00:01:47,060
"Wow, I can't believe
I used to use the old one.
42
00:01:47,070 --> 00:01:47,840
Looks so unsafe."
43
00:01:47,840 --> 00:01:48,840
All right, enough
clowning around.
44
00:01:48,840 --> 00:01:50,810
Let's talk turkey.
We want to play the Feud.
45
00:01:50,800 --> 00:01:51,730
Well, you're in luck.
46
00:01:51,740 --> 00:01:53,900
The other family we've chosen
has three daughters,
47
00:01:53,910 --> 00:01:57,170
so we're picking you
because you have three sons.
48
00:01:57,180 --> 00:01:59,790
But I'm not...
Shut up, Greg.
49
00:01:59,780 --> 00:02:02,110
(Family Feud theme song
playing)
50
00:02:02,120 --> 00:02:06,460
ANNOUNCER:
It's time for the Family Feud.
51
00:02:06,450 --> 00:02:09,390
Introducing
the Callaghan Family.
52
00:02:09,390 --> 00:02:12,020
Ready for action.
53
00:02:12,030 --> 00:02:14,300
And the Griffin Family.
54
00:02:14,300 --> 00:02:18,140
On your marks, let's start...
55
00:02:18,130 --> 00:02:20,960
the Family Feud!
56
00:02:20,970 --> 00:02:23,170
With the star of Family Feud...
57
00:02:23,170 --> 00:02:25,000
Richard Dawson!
58
00:02:25,010 --> 00:02:27,150
Thank you. Thank you very much.
59
00:02:27,140 --> 00:02:28,000
Ah, you're lovely.
60
00:02:28,010 --> 00:02:29,100
I haven't heard
that much applause
61
00:02:29,110 --> 00:02:32,010
since Bob Crane premiered
his home movies in my closet.
62
00:02:32,010 --> 00:02:35,010
(Peter laughs)
All right, let's play the Feud.
63
00:02:35,020 --> 00:02:37,190
ś ś
(applause)
64
00:02:37,180 --> 00:02:40,150
100 people surveyed,
top four answers on the board.
65
00:02:40,150 --> 00:02:41,020
Here's the question:
66
00:02:41,020 --> 00:02:43,920
Name something you find
in your bathroom.
67
00:02:43,920 --> 00:02:45,090
(buzzer)
68
00:02:45,090 --> 00:02:45,990
A sink.
69
00:02:45,990 --> 00:02:47,290
Show us "sink!"
70
00:02:47,290 --> 00:02:49,020
(bell rings)
71
00:02:49,460 --> 00:02:52,160
Peter, three answers
on the board that can beat that.
72
00:02:52,170 --> 00:02:54,840
Name something you find
in your bathroom.
73
00:02:54,840 --> 00:02:57,880
Find in your bathroom.
Find in your bathroom.
74
00:02:57,870 --> 00:03:00,740
Richard, I'm going to go
with "fetus in the toilet bowl."
75
00:03:00,740 --> 00:03:02,940
Show us "fetus
in the toilet bowl!"
76
00:03:02,940 --> 00:03:04,770
(bell rings, applause)
77
00:03:04,780 --> 00:03:06,910
Play or pass?
We're going to play.
78
00:03:06,910 --> 00:03:10,950
Oh, this must be
your lovely wife.
79
00:03:11,420 --> 00:03:13,180
(chuckling):
Oh, uh-uh.
80
00:03:13,190 --> 00:03:16,460
I've been waiting
for this for years.
81
00:03:16,460 --> 00:03:19,130
(moaning)
82
00:03:19,830 --> 00:03:23,970
(whispering)
I want you to be
your pinkie ring.
83
00:03:24,970 --> 00:03:28,870
Okay, Lois, name something
you find in your bathroom.
84
00:03:28,870 --> 00:03:31,270
Okay, how about
"bathtub?"
85
00:03:31,270 --> 00:03:32,500
(bell rings)
86
00:03:32,510 --> 00:03:34,450
(all cheering)
87
00:03:34,440 --> 00:03:38,270
Okay, name something you find
in your bathroom.
88
00:03:38,280 --> 00:03:39,410
Um...
89
00:03:39,410 --> 00:03:41,910
a razor blade
and a note?
90
00:03:41,920 --> 00:03:43,490
(bell rings)
91
00:03:43,480 --> 00:03:46,350
(all cheering)
92
00:03:46,350 --> 00:03:49,720
ś ś
93
00:03:50,120 --> 00:03:52,350
All right, you've got
two strikes, Callaghans.
94
00:03:52,360 --> 00:03:56,090
Name something you'd like
to receive as a gift.
95
00:03:56,100 --> 00:03:57,370
Candy?
96
00:03:57,360 --> 00:03:58,890
Show me "candy!"
97
00:03:58,900 --> 00:04:00,160
(buzzer)
98
00:04:00,170 --> 00:04:01,170
(audience sighs)
99
00:04:01,170 --> 00:04:01,860
Wait. We're out?
100
00:04:01,870 --> 00:04:04,200
But you said if I slept
with you...
All right, Griffins,
101
00:04:04,200 --> 00:04:05,830
here's your chance
to win the game!
102
00:04:05,840 --> 00:04:09,140
Name something you'd like
to receive as a gift.
103
00:04:09,140 --> 00:04:10,410
Groceries!
Assorted lotions!
104
00:04:10,410 --> 00:04:12,270
An Uzi!
A dead squirrel!
Money!
105
00:04:12,280 --> 00:04:13,680
All right, good answer,
good answer!
Yeah, money!
106
00:04:13,680 --> 00:04:15,340
Oh, very good! Good answer!
There you go! There you go!
107
00:04:15,350 --> 00:04:17,880
Well, Richard, my family seems
to think money's the way to go.
108
00:04:17,890 --> 00:04:18,990
So I'm gonna go
with the flute
109
00:04:18,990 --> 00:04:21,630
that Captain Picard played,
first in his imagination
110
00:04:21,620 --> 00:04:24,220
and then in real life, in the
episode "The Inner Light"
111
00:04:24,220 --> 00:04:26,220
from Star Trek:
T he Next Generation.
112
00:04:26,230 --> 00:04:28,800
What?! No, you idiot!
We said "money!"
113
00:04:28,800 --> 00:04:30,870
Show me "Picard's flute!"
114
00:04:30,860 --> 00:04:32,130
(bell rings)
115
00:04:32,130 --> 00:04:34,830
(all cheering)
116
00:04:34,840 --> 00:04:36,380
Peter, how did you...?
I was in the survey.
117
00:04:36,370 --> 00:04:39,470
Can you believe it?
We're going to the bonus round!
118
00:04:39,470 --> 00:04:41,070
ś ś
119
00:04:41,080 --> 00:04:42,110
(applause)
120
00:04:42,110 --> 00:04:44,170
Okay, Lois.
15 seconds on the clock.
121
00:04:44,180 --> 00:04:45,910
Name something
you sit in.
122
00:04:45,910 --> 00:04:47,340
A chair.
My own feces.
123
00:04:47,350 --> 00:04:48,590
Name a popular fruit.
124
00:04:48,580 --> 00:04:49,880
Orange.
Clay Aiken.
125
00:04:49,880 --> 00:04:51,280
Something in your closet.
126
00:04:51,290 --> 00:04:52,760
Shoes.
Scary monsters.
127
00:04:52,750 --> 00:04:53,950
Your favorite holiday.
128
00:04:53,950 --> 00:04:55,020
Christmas.
9/11.
129
00:04:55,020 --> 00:04:56,590
Something you do
on the weekends.
130
00:04:56,590 --> 00:04:58,920
Go to church.
Black guys.
131
00:04:58,930 --> 00:05:00,070
(bell rings, applause)
132
00:05:00,060 --> 00:05:02,420
All right,
"Something you sit in."
133
00:05:02,430 --> 00:05:03,890
You said "chair."
134
00:05:03,900 --> 00:05:05,140
Survey said...
135
00:05:05,130 --> 00:05:06,200
(bell rings)
136
00:05:06,200 --> 00:05:07,560
Wait a sec. I said "feces."
137
00:05:07,570 --> 00:05:08,400
Where's my answer?
138
00:05:08,400 --> 00:05:10,030
Oh, you're just going to pretend
I'm not here, huh?
139
00:05:10,040 --> 00:05:14,110
Just like Robin Williams' agent
pretends he's still funny.
140
00:05:14,110 --> 00:05:15,500
(rings)
Hello?
141
00:05:15,510 --> 00:05:17,440
Hey, Phil, it's
Robin Williams.
142
00:05:17,440 --> 00:05:19,040
(laughs)
That's hilarious!
143
00:05:19,050 --> 00:05:22,190
I just wanted to make sure
the meeting is still on
for 2:30 tomorrow.
144
00:05:22,180 --> 00:05:24,510
Otherwise I gotta go
to that Chinese dentist.
145
00:05:24,520 --> 00:05:26,010
Get it? 2:30?
146
00:05:26,020 --> 00:05:26,480
(laughs)
147
00:05:26,490 --> 00:05:29,530
You son of a bitch, I had
a mouth full of coffee.
148
00:05:29,520 --> 00:05:32,150
God, you are funny,
and that is real!
149
00:05:32,160 --> 00:05:33,990
Okay, Peter,
Lois did great.
150
00:05:33,990 --> 00:05:36,990
You only need one point
to win the $5,000.
151
00:05:37,000 --> 00:05:37,870
20 seconds.
152
00:05:37,870 --> 00:05:39,870
Name something
you sit in.
153
00:05:39,870 --> 00:05:40,970
Chair.
(buzzer)
154
00:05:40,970 --> 00:05:42,330
Try again.
Big chair.
155
00:05:42,340 --> 00:05:44,340
(buzzer)
No, that's
the same thing.
156
00:05:44,340 --> 00:05:45,900
Try again.
High chair.
157
00:05:45,910 --> 00:05:47,410
That's still a chair.
158
00:05:47,410 --> 00:05:49,480
Chair.
Say something
other than "chair."
159
00:05:49,480 --> 00:05:51,080
What if I can't think
of anything?
160
00:05:51,080 --> 00:05:52,610
You can pass.
How do I pass?
161
00:05:52,610 --> 00:05:54,080
Just say it.
Say what?
162
00:05:54,080 --> 00:05:55,610
Say "pass."
163
00:05:55,620 --> 00:05:56,490
Chair.
(buzzer)
164
00:05:56,480 --> 00:05:58,150
Oh, I'm sorry.
Your time is up,
165
00:05:58,150 --> 00:05:59,920
and you didn't score
enough points.
166
00:05:59,920 --> 00:06:01,180
But thank you
for playing.
167
00:06:01,190 --> 00:06:02,580
Whoa, what, that's it?
We lose?
168
00:06:02,590 --> 00:06:04,920
I'm afraid so, but we enjoyed
having you here.
169
00:06:04,930 --> 00:06:08,230
You son of a bitch,
what about my cave in the yard?
170
00:06:08,230 --> 00:06:10,130
What about my cave
in the yard?!
171
00:06:10,130 --> 00:06:11,230
Get your hands off me.
172
00:06:11,230 --> 00:06:14,000
I served
in the fictitious military.
173
00:06:15,000 --> 00:06:19,330
Peter! Oh, my God,
are you all right?
174
00:06:19,340 --> 00:06:20,500
What happened?
175
00:06:20,510 --> 00:06:22,150
Where am I?
176
00:06:22,140 --> 00:06:24,440
Who are you?
I'm Lois.
177
00:06:24,440 --> 00:06:26,240
Lois who?
178
00:06:26,250 --> 00:06:28,090
Who the hell am I?
179
00:06:28,080 --> 00:06:29,550
Uh-oh.
180
00:06:51,540 --> 00:06:55,040
Mrs. Griffin, I'm afraid
your husband has amnesia.
181
00:06:55,040 --> 00:06:57,210
Oh, my God,
is it permanent?
182
00:06:57,210 --> 00:06:58,570
Well, there's no telling
for sure.
183
00:06:58,580 --> 00:07:01,180
His memory could return
in days, weeks,
184
00:07:01,180 --> 00:07:03,110
years, or never.
185
00:07:03,120 --> 00:07:04,590
Or weeks.
186
00:07:06,390 --> 00:07:09,600
Peter, I want you
to meet your family.
187
00:07:09,590 --> 00:07:12,120
You're... my family?
188
00:07:12,130 --> 00:07:13,130
That's right.
189
00:07:13,130 --> 00:07:14,670
These are
your children.
190
00:07:14,660 --> 00:07:16,190
Dad, I'm Chris.
191
00:07:16,200 --> 00:07:17,340
I-I'm your son.
192
00:07:17,330 --> 00:07:19,090
Never seen you before
in my life.
193
00:07:19,100 --> 00:07:22,500
Wow, then I must
be invisible!
194
00:07:23,270 --> 00:07:26,130
Hey, everybody, I'm invisible!
195
00:07:26,140 --> 00:07:28,400
HERBERT:
Oh, no, you're not!
196
00:07:28,410 --> 00:07:30,340
Hot diggity!
197
00:07:30,640 --> 00:07:32,340
This is Meg,
your daughter.
198
00:07:32,350 --> 00:07:32,850
D'oh!
199
00:07:32,850 --> 00:07:35,450
No, Peter, that's not
your catchphrase.
200
00:07:35,450 --> 00:07:35,940
Oh.
201
00:07:35,950 --> 00:07:38,450
Sorry, I just don't
remember anything.
202
00:07:38,450 --> 00:07:41,250
Dad, this is your baby
and your dog.
203
00:07:41,260 --> 00:07:42,390
Ooh, he doesn't
remember us.
204
00:07:42,390 --> 00:07:44,720
It's an opportunity to come up
with our own names.
205
00:07:44,730 --> 00:07:46,130
I'm Tomax
and this is Xamot.
206
00:07:46,130 --> 00:07:49,270
We're twins who can feel
each other's pain.
207
00:07:49,260 --> 00:07:50,290
Ow!
No, Brian,
208
00:07:50,300 --> 00:07:52,040
I'm supposed
to say "ow!"
209
00:07:52,030 --> 00:07:53,800
You ruin everything!
210
00:07:53,800 --> 00:07:55,060
Ow.
211
00:07:56,540 --> 00:07:59,210
All right, Peter, we're going
to try to jog your memory
212
00:07:59,210 --> 00:08:01,250
with some old videotapes
of the family.
213
00:08:01,240 --> 00:08:02,540
Boy, you got
a lot of tapes here.
214
00:08:02,540 --> 00:08:05,110
I kinda want to watch
some of these instead.
215
00:08:05,110 --> 00:08:06,610
Pretty Woman?
What's that?
216
00:08:06,610 --> 00:08:08,280
It's just a movie
from the '80s.
217
00:08:08,280 --> 00:08:09,880
Oh, my God, we gotta watch this.
218
00:08:09,880 --> 00:08:11,180
Look what they're
saying about it.
219
00:08:11,180 --> 00:08:13,680
"As funny as it is touching!
Gene Shalit."
220
00:08:13,690 --> 00:08:17,230
"I stood up and cheered,
'Go, Julia, go!'
221
00:08:17,220 --> 00:08:17,820
Joel Siegel."
222
00:08:17,820 --> 00:08:21,060
"This movie made me laugh
so hard I had mild headaches.
223
00:08:21,060 --> 00:08:23,760
"So I went to the doctor
and got myself checked out.
224
00:08:23,760 --> 00:08:26,560
I'm currently awaiting results.
Gene Siskel."
225
00:08:26,570 --> 00:08:29,270
Everyone seems to love this.
We gotta watch it!
226
00:08:29,270 --> 00:08:30,670
We'll watch it
later, Peter.
227
00:08:30,670 --> 00:08:33,270
I want to show you one
of the most special times
228
00:08:33,270 --> 00:08:37,940
of your life and mine:
our honeymoon.
229
00:08:44,990 --> 00:08:47,160
LOIS:
I think you've had enough,
Peter.
230
00:08:47,150 --> 00:08:48,420
(slurring):
Oh, you don't know...
231
00:08:48,420 --> 00:08:52,390
Get away. I-I know my
body better than you!
232
00:08:53,630 --> 00:08:55,570
Is that... us?
233
00:08:55,560 --> 00:08:56,590
Yes, Peter.
234
00:08:56,600 --> 00:08:57,840
You were so handsome
235
00:08:57,830 --> 00:09:00,360
and it was such
a wonderful week.
236
00:09:00,370 --> 00:09:03,340
Hey, buddy, I think
that girl likes me.
237
00:09:03,340 --> 00:09:05,440
Of course she does.
She's your wife.
238
00:09:05,440 --> 00:09:06,700
Do you like her?
239
00:09:06,710 --> 00:09:08,750
I don't know.
240
00:09:08,740 --> 00:09:11,470
(squeals, laughs)
241
00:09:11,480 --> 00:09:12,210
(sighs)
242
00:09:12,210 --> 00:09:14,280
You know, this isn't going
to be easy, you guys.
243
00:09:14,280 --> 00:09:16,180
We're going to have
to re-teach your father
244
00:09:16,180 --> 00:09:17,510
everything
he's forgotten.
245
00:09:17,520 --> 00:09:20,030
Hey, have you heard
this awesome new song?
246
00:09:20,020 --> 00:09:20,480
No!
247
00:09:20,490 --> 00:09:21,790
ś A well, a bird,
bird, bird ś
248
00:09:21,790 --> 00:09:22,780
ś B-bird's the word ś
249
00:09:22,790 --> 00:09:24,090
ś A well, a bird,
bird, bird ś
250
00:09:24,090 --> 00:09:26,420
ś B-bird's the word,
a well, a...ś
251
00:09:28,300 --> 00:09:30,070
This is called
a telephone, Peter.
252
00:09:30,060 --> 00:09:33,360
You use it to talk to people
who aren't in the house.
253
00:09:33,370 --> 00:09:34,110
There are others?
254
00:09:34,100 --> 00:09:37,400
Yes, there are over six billion
people in the world.
255
00:09:37,400 --> 00:09:38,500
Here, I'll show you.
256
00:09:38,510 --> 00:09:40,550
We'll call my parents.
257
00:09:40,540 --> 00:09:42,340
CARTER:
Hello?
258
00:09:42,340 --> 00:09:42,940
Hello.
259
00:09:42,940 --> 00:09:44,570
Who's this?
Who's this?
260
00:09:44,580 --> 00:09:46,170
Carter. Who's this?
261
00:09:46,180 --> 00:09:47,540
I don't know.
262
00:09:47,550 --> 00:09:49,550
Do you have my OxyContin?
What?
263
00:09:49,550 --> 00:09:51,750
Are you the guy?
I'm a guy.
264
00:09:51,750 --> 00:09:53,380
I want my drugs.
265
00:09:53,390 --> 00:09:53,990
What are drugs?
266
00:09:53,990 --> 00:09:58,600
I don't think this is the call
I was expecting.
(hangs up)
267
00:10:00,430 --> 00:10:03,240
Now, Peter, this is
your silverware.
268
00:10:03,230 --> 00:10:04,690
You see, this
is your fork.
269
00:10:04,700 --> 00:10:06,190
And this is a knife.
270
00:10:06,200 --> 00:10:07,730
That's not a knife.
271
00:10:07,730 --> 00:10:09,500
That's a knife.
272
00:10:09,500 --> 00:10:11,530
This is also a knife.
273
00:10:11,540 --> 00:10:12,300
Oh.
274
00:10:12,310 --> 00:10:13,780
Well, I'll be
on m' way.
275
00:10:13,770 --> 00:10:17,710
I want to see more of him,
and then suddenly none of him.
276
00:10:17,710 --> 00:10:18,840
Forever.
277
00:10:18,850 --> 00:10:21,620
(tires squealing, screeching)
278
00:10:24,050 --> 00:10:25,510
All right, you know what?
279
00:10:25,520 --> 00:10:26,380
This is not working.
280
00:10:26,390 --> 00:10:27,590
If you're going
to learn to drive,
281
00:10:27,590 --> 00:10:28,960
you're going to have
to practice first.
282
00:10:28,960 --> 00:10:31,830
Here, play "Grand Theft
Auto" for eight hours,
283
00:10:31,830 --> 00:10:35,430
and then we'll give
it another try.
284
00:10:44,340 --> 00:10:45,740
(tires squealing)
285
00:10:48,240 --> 00:10:49,870
So, you guys are
my best friends,
286
00:10:49,880 --> 00:10:51,720
and this is where
we hang out?
287
00:10:51,710 --> 00:10:52,740
That's right.
288
00:10:52,750 --> 00:10:54,390
I'm Quagmire,
and this is Joe.
289
00:10:54,380 --> 00:10:55,310
So, what do we do here?
290
00:10:55,320 --> 00:10:57,590
Well, we usually come here,
you buy us drinks
291
00:10:57,580 --> 00:10:59,680
and tell us what Lois'
nipples look like,
292
00:10:59,690 --> 00:11:01,230
like you
always do.
293
00:11:01,220 --> 00:11:02,080
Giggity-giggity.
294
00:11:02,090 --> 00:11:03,690
Yeah, but first,
you usually go over there
295
00:11:03,690 --> 00:11:06,760
and pull down
that blonde waitress's top.
296
00:11:07,890 --> 00:11:09,260
(woman screams)
297
00:11:09,260 --> 00:11:09,790
(loud slap)
298
00:11:09,800 --> 00:11:12,740
She screamed,
so I had to slap her.
299
00:11:16,900 --> 00:11:18,430
Oh, boy, oh, boy, oh, boy.
300
00:11:18,440 --> 00:11:20,770
Get nude. Get nude.
Please get nude.
301
00:11:20,770 --> 00:11:21,840
Please get nude.
302
00:11:21,840 --> 00:11:24,310
Peter, you don't
have to spy on me.
303
00:11:24,310 --> 00:11:25,610
You're my husband.
304
00:11:25,610 --> 00:11:27,210
Come on in.
305
00:11:27,210 --> 00:11:28,610
Oh, boy, no fooling?
306
00:11:28,620 --> 00:11:29,690
Oh, boy!
307
00:11:29,680 --> 00:11:30,380
Wait a minute.
308
00:11:30,380 --> 00:11:32,210
Something's happening
in my pants.
309
00:11:32,220 --> 00:11:33,280
In the front this time.
310
00:11:33,290 --> 00:11:34,560
That's all
right, Peter.
311
00:11:34,550 --> 00:11:36,650
It just means
you're excited.
312
00:11:36,660 --> 00:11:38,630
That's the way
it's supposed to be
313
00:11:38,630 --> 00:11:40,400
between a husband
and wife.
314
00:11:40,390 --> 00:11:42,420
It means you want
to make love.
315
00:11:42,430 --> 00:11:45,430
But I forget how
to make love.
316
00:11:45,430 --> 00:11:46,630
Shh, shh, shh, shh.
317
00:11:46,630 --> 00:11:48,260
That's okay.
318
00:11:48,270 --> 00:11:49,460
I'll show you.
319
00:11:49,470 --> 00:11:51,430
Just follow my lead.
320
00:11:51,910 --> 00:11:56,880
ś It feels like the first time ś
321
00:11:56,880 --> 00:12:01,250
ś It feels like
the very first time... ś
322
00:12:17,000 --> 00:12:18,900
(moaning)
323
00:12:18,900 --> 00:12:22,400
Wow! That was what
they call sex?
324
00:12:22,400 --> 00:12:24,300
Yes, it was, Peter.
325
00:12:24,300 --> 00:12:25,530
Can we do it again?
326
00:12:25,540 --> 00:12:27,300
Huh? Huh? Can we?
327
00:12:27,310 --> 00:12:27,710
Wow!
328
00:12:27,710 --> 00:12:31,380
You're as excited as a porcupine
meeting a pineapple.
329
00:12:31,880 --> 00:12:35,410
Hey, good-looking,
where have you been all my life?
330
00:12:35,420 --> 00:12:37,660
(laughs)
331
00:12:41,420 --> 00:12:44,420
Morning, nice people who
I still don't know your names
332
00:12:44,420 --> 00:12:45,650
and who mean nothing to me.
333
00:12:45,660 --> 00:12:48,320
Well, I certainly hope
that doesn't apply to me,
334
00:12:48,330 --> 00:12:50,360
especially after
last night.
335
00:12:50,360 --> 00:12:52,430
You got a point
there, hot stuff.
336
00:12:52,430 --> 00:12:53,900
And if sex with the rest of you
337
00:12:53,900 --> 00:12:55,630
is half as good
as it was with her,
338
00:12:55,640 --> 00:12:58,840
then I think we're all gonna
get along just fine.
339
00:12:58,840 --> 00:12:59,400
Yay!
340
00:12:59,410 --> 00:13:02,010
Well, no, no, Peter, you can't
have sex with the kids.
341
00:13:02,010 --> 00:13:05,940
Well, I wish you'd told him that
before he lost his memory.
342
00:13:05,950 --> 00:13:06,850
(gasps)
343
00:13:06,850 --> 00:13:07,990
It was a joke!
344
00:13:07,980 --> 00:13:09,540
I was just
making a joke.
345
00:13:09,550 --> 00:13:10,980
That's your
sense of humor?
346
00:13:10,980 --> 00:13:13,080
I was just
kidding. God!
347
00:13:13,090 --> 00:13:14,060
Meg, that's awful.
348
00:13:14,050 --> 00:13:16,450
Geez, you open your mouth
for a joke once,
349
00:13:16,460 --> 00:13:18,430
and that's what
you come up with?
350
00:13:18,430 --> 00:13:19,530
That's messed
up, Meg.
351
00:13:19,530 --> 00:13:20,630
I was just trying to be funny.
352
00:13:20,630 --> 00:13:23,000
That wasn't funny.
That was just dark.
353
00:13:23,000 --> 00:13:24,700
Yeah, that's your father.
354
00:13:24,700 --> 00:13:25,660
Oh, get out, Meg!
355
00:13:25,670 --> 00:13:26,640
Get out of the kitchen!
356
00:13:26,630 --> 00:13:29,000
Go on! Get out!
Out! Out! Out!
357
00:13:29,000 --> 00:13:30,800
Out of the kitchen! Go on!
358
00:13:30,800 --> 00:13:32,470
Get out of here!
359
00:13:32,470 --> 00:13:34,240
(laughs)
360
00:13:37,040 --> 00:13:38,640
Oh, Peter,
there you are.
361
00:13:38,650 --> 00:13:40,390
I've been waiting.
362
00:13:40,380 --> 00:13:42,380
You ready
to have sex?
363
00:13:42,380 --> 00:13:42,910
You bet.
364
00:13:42,920 --> 00:13:44,920
Move over
so Tiffany and I have room.
365
00:13:44,920 --> 00:13:45,850
What?! Who the
hell is she?
366
00:13:45,850 --> 00:13:47,920
She's the woman
I'm gonna have sex with tonight.
367
00:13:47,920 --> 00:13:50,350
Oh, and don't worry
about getting me pregnant.
368
00:13:50,360 --> 00:13:51,200
I'm already pregnant.
369
00:13:51,190 --> 00:13:52,750
Peter, what's the
matter with you?
370
00:13:52,760 --> 00:13:55,590
You can't just have sex
with some random woman.
371
00:13:55,600 --> 00:13:56,600
Why the hell not?
372
00:13:56,600 --> 00:13:58,900
Because we're married.
Well, I'm sorry,
373
00:13:58,900 --> 00:13:59,960
but I don't remember
marrying anybody.
374
00:13:59,970 --> 00:14:03,610
Why the hell would I commit
to having sex with one person
375
00:14:03,600 --> 00:14:04,930
for the rest of my life?
376
00:14:04,940 --> 00:14:06,530
Because we love
each other.
377
00:14:06,540 --> 00:14:08,540
That's part of
being a family.
378
00:14:08,540 --> 00:14:11,110
It means being
responsible and faithful.
379
00:14:11,110 --> 00:14:12,870
Well, that doesn't sound
very fun.
380
00:14:12,880 --> 00:14:14,610
Well, if that's how you feel,
381
00:14:14,610 --> 00:14:17,480
then-then we no longer
have a family.
382
00:14:17,480 --> 00:14:18,350
Boy, I'm glad you said it.
383
00:14:18,350 --> 00:14:21,150
But this is my house,
and I'm not going anywhere.
384
00:14:21,150 --> 00:14:22,020
You don't have to.
385
00:14:22,020 --> 00:14:25,890
I'm leaving, and I'm
taking the kids with me.
386
00:14:26,590 --> 00:14:29,560
That's a beautiful necklace
you're wearing, Tiffany.
387
00:14:29,560 --> 00:14:30,190
Thank you.
388
00:14:30,200 --> 00:14:33,610
Is that what you do with your
Saved By the Bell money?
389
00:14:40,240 --> 00:14:43,470
Mom, I don't want to live
in a tiny, gross apartment.
390
00:14:43,480 --> 00:14:46,420
Well, I'm sorry, honey,
but we don't have a choice.
391
00:14:46,410 --> 00:14:48,480
Your father doesn't
remember his life,
392
00:14:48,480 --> 00:14:50,680
and he doesn't want us
to be a part of it,
393
00:14:50,680 --> 00:14:52,710
so we've just got
to move on.
394
00:14:52,720 --> 00:14:53,820
Oh, this is disgusting.
395
00:14:53,820 --> 00:14:54,780
I shouldn't be here.
396
00:14:54,790 --> 00:14:56,650
A baby doesn't belong
in the inner city
397
00:14:56,660 --> 00:14:59,500
any more than a baby
belongs on a plane.
398
00:14:59,490 --> 00:14:59,890
(crying)
399
00:14:59,890 --> 00:15:02,660
Shh. It's gonna be okay.
Gonna be okay.
400
00:15:02,660 --> 00:15:06,530
WOMAN (over P.A.):
Our in-flight movie this evening
is Hancock.
401
00:15:06,530 --> 00:15:08,530
Waa! Waa!
402
00:15:08,540 --> 00:15:12,010
Waa! Waa!
403
00:15:12,010 --> 00:15:14,580
(rock music plays loudly)
404
00:15:19,950 --> 00:15:21,850
Peter, what the hell
is all this?
405
00:15:21,850 --> 00:15:22,780
Well, I'm a bachelor,
406
00:15:22,780 --> 00:15:24,610
so I invited a bunch
of people over,
407
00:15:24,620 --> 00:15:26,790
and now I'm waiting
for them to leave.
408
00:15:26,790 --> 00:15:27,730
That's what bachelors do.
409
00:15:27,720 --> 00:15:28,850
Peter, I'm interested
in the redhead
410
00:15:28,860 --> 00:15:30,930
with the wooden arms
and legs over there.
411
00:15:30,920 --> 00:15:32,050
You think you
could introduce me?
412
00:15:32,060 --> 00:15:34,020
That's a table,
Seamus.
Don't point at her.
413
00:15:34,030 --> 00:15:35,570
Don't point.
She's looking.
414
00:15:35,560 --> 00:15:37,030
Oh, great. Now
I got to go in.
415
00:15:37,030 --> 00:15:38,430
Hey, I'm Seamus.
416
00:15:38,430 --> 00:15:39,830
Peter, you left your family
for this?
417
00:15:39,830 --> 00:15:41,860
Look, I don't know
what I was doing before,
418
00:15:41,870 --> 00:15:44,870
but this is the way
man was meant to live.
419
00:15:44,870 --> 00:15:46,070
I just know it.
420
00:15:46,070 --> 00:15:47,240
Check it out.
421
00:15:47,240 --> 00:15:48,940
(moaning)
422
00:15:48,940 --> 00:15:50,570
Don't you miss your family?
423
00:15:50,580 --> 00:15:51,750
What, that lady
and those kids?
424
00:15:51,750 --> 00:15:54,020
I don't even remember 'em.
How could I miss them?
425
00:15:54,010 --> 00:15:55,680
I almost don't want
to ask you out
426
00:15:55,680 --> 00:15:57,210
because I know
you're gonna say no.
427
00:15:57,220 --> 00:15:58,720
You want to go out?
428
00:15:58,720 --> 00:16:00,080
No? Okay.
429
00:16:03,920 --> 00:16:06,690
(to Jaws theme):
ś Giggity ś
430
00:16:07,460 --> 00:16:09,820
ś Giggity ś
431
00:16:10,730 --> 00:16:12,160
ś Gi-gi, gi-gi,
gi-gi, gi-gi ś
432
00:16:12,170 --> 00:16:14,740
ś Gi-gi, gi-gi,
gi-gi, gi-gi, gi-gi ś
433
00:16:14,730 --> 00:16:15,560
ś Gi-gi, gi-gi ś
434
00:16:15,570 --> 00:16:16,660
ś Gi-gi, gi-gi, gi-gi ś
435
00:16:16,670 --> 00:16:19,830
ś Gi-gi, gi-gi, gi-gi,
giggity! ś
436
00:16:19,840 --> 00:16:21,570
Lois! Oh,
my gosh. Hi!
437
00:16:21,570 --> 00:16:22,900
Oh, hi, Quagmire.
438
00:16:22,910 --> 00:16:23,970
What a surprise.
439
00:16:23,980 --> 00:16:24,750
I know, right?
440
00:16:24,740 --> 00:16:26,780
Gosh, you know, I was just
picking up a couple hams
441
00:16:26,780 --> 00:16:29,640
to take down to the shelter,
and here I run into you,
442
00:16:29,650 --> 00:16:31,150
buying food to make
dinner for your husband.
443
00:16:31,150 --> 00:16:33,580
No, actually, Glenn,
maybe you haven't heard,
444
00:16:33,590 --> 00:16:36,860
but, uh, Peter and I
aren't together anymore.
445
00:16:36,860 --> 00:16:38,730
What?! Why?!
446
00:16:38,730 --> 00:16:39,830
Oh, it's a long story.
447
00:16:39,830 --> 00:16:41,870
You don't want to hear about it.
448
00:16:41,860 --> 00:16:42,890
Oh, shut your face.
449
00:16:42,900 --> 00:16:43,740
I want to hear
all about it.
450
00:16:43,730 --> 00:16:46,060
But listen, you know, I got
all this shopping to do,
451
00:16:46,070 --> 00:16:47,940
so you want to stop by
tomorrow night?
452
00:16:47,930 --> 00:16:49,600
I'll just whip
something up.
453
00:16:49,600 --> 00:16:50,230
Well, sure.
454
00:16:50,240 --> 00:16:52,940
You know,
that sounds nice, Glenn.
455
00:16:54,340 --> 00:16:56,000
Holy smokes,
this is a sure thing.
456
00:16:56,010 --> 00:16:58,610
Like the end
of a Mexican wedding.
457
00:16:58,610 --> 00:16:59,770
(applause)
458
00:16:59,780 --> 00:17:01,910
(cheering)
459
00:17:07,750 --> 00:17:08,550
Aw, crap, we're out of milk.
460
00:17:08,560 --> 00:17:11,130
I'm gonna run next door
to the airport and get some.
461
00:17:11,120 --> 00:17:13,790
Hey, when you're over there,
can you get some rodent traps?
462
00:17:13,790 --> 00:17:16,190
We got a giant mutant rat
living under the sink.
463
00:17:16,200 --> 00:17:18,240
I'm just gonna hide
under the sink
464
00:17:18,230 --> 00:17:19,590
till y'all go to sleep.
465
00:17:19,600 --> 00:17:22,260
Then I'm gonna come out
and make my poops in your Kix.
466
00:17:22,270 --> 00:17:23,800
Hey, Stewie,
is Lois back yet?
467
00:17:23,800 --> 00:17:25,370
I've been trying
to get a hold of her.
468
00:17:25,370 --> 00:17:27,770
She went to Quagmire's
for dinner.
469
00:17:27,770 --> 00:17:29,040
What?!
470
00:17:31,980 --> 00:17:34,110
Oh, that was a
delicious dinner, Glenn.
471
00:17:34,110 --> 00:17:35,580
I didn't know
you could cook.
472
00:17:35,580 --> 00:17:38,580
Well, when a fella's been alone
as long as I have,
473
00:17:38,590 --> 00:17:40,120
he learns
to take care of himself.
474
00:17:40,120 --> 00:17:41,920
Well, you're a
very sweet friend,
475
00:17:41,920 --> 00:17:44,290
and you're so good to
listen to my troubles.
476
00:17:44,290 --> 00:17:46,550
Oh, I could listen
for hours, Lois.
477
00:17:46,560 --> 00:17:47,220
Phew! Boy, you know,
478
00:17:47,230 --> 00:17:51,700
I don't know how a half a glass
of wine got me so light-headed.
479
00:17:51,700 --> 00:17:52,890
I better lie down.
480
00:17:52,900 --> 00:17:54,800
You want me to
help you upstairs?
481
00:17:54,800 --> 00:17:57,470
Oh, my God,
you are a saint!
482
00:17:59,640 --> 00:18:02,200
No, I-I think I can make it
from here. I-I...
483
00:18:02,210 --> 00:18:04,110
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!
484
00:18:04,110 --> 00:18:06,710
(both laughing)
485
00:18:06,710 --> 00:18:07,810
Whoops!
486
00:18:07,810 --> 00:18:10,080
Professor Klutz,
the doctor is in.
487
00:18:10,080 --> 00:18:11,010
(laughs)
488
00:18:11,020 --> 00:18:13,220
Oh, where is
this heading?
489
00:18:14,890 --> 00:18:16,620
Oh, hiya, Brian.
490
00:18:16,620 --> 00:18:17,720
All right, Peter,
now I know
491
00:18:17,720 --> 00:18:18,750
your head is still
a blank slate,
492
00:18:18,760 --> 00:18:20,720
but you got to listen
to me when I say...
493
00:18:20,730 --> 00:18:23,100
Wait. Did you just
call me Brian?
494
00:18:23,100 --> 00:18:23,640
Oh, yeah.
495
00:18:23,630 --> 00:18:24,790
You've got
your memory back?
Uh-huh.
496
00:18:24,800 --> 00:18:29,140
Happened yesterday on my way
back from the grocery store.
497
00:18:29,140 --> 00:18:30,510
Hi, Peter.
498
00:18:31,740 --> 00:18:34,100
Hey, you just snubbed me
in front of my own house.
499
00:18:34,110 --> 00:18:35,680
I thought we'd come
to an understanding.
500
00:18:35,680 --> 00:18:38,780
Look, fella, I don't know
who you are and I don't want to,
501
00:18:38,780 --> 00:18:41,140
so why don't you just go back
to your crabgrass?
502
00:18:41,150 --> 00:18:44,320
This happens to be
fresh Marathon Sod!
503
00:18:44,820 --> 00:18:47,130
Oh, man, I just got
my memory back.
504
00:18:47,120 --> 00:18:51,290
And as I recall,
I don't really care for you!
505
00:18:51,290 --> 00:18:53,220
Wait a minute.
Who are you?
506
00:18:53,230 --> 00:18:54,270
Hey, I know you!
507
00:18:54,260 --> 00:18:55,760
What's your beef, stranger?
508
00:18:55,760 --> 00:18:58,030
Well, if it isn't
my old nemesis!
509
00:18:58,030 --> 00:19:00,700
I was just lucky he had
an odd number of objects.
510
00:19:00,700 --> 00:19:01,900
Why the hell
didn't you tell anybody?
511
00:19:01,900 --> 00:19:03,970
Well, I figured I could
enjoy the bachelor life
512
00:19:03,970 --> 00:19:06,100
for a few more days
before getting Lois back.
513
00:19:06,110 --> 00:19:08,110
Well, you may have waited
too long already.
514
00:19:08,110 --> 00:19:09,350
Lois is on a date
with Quagmire,
515
00:19:09,340 --> 00:19:11,870
and you've got to stop her
before something happens.
516
00:19:11,880 --> 00:19:13,710
What?! Oh, my God! Where is she?
517
00:19:13,710 --> 00:19:15,140
She's next door at his house.
518
00:19:15,150 --> 00:19:16,380
And you better get there quick,
519
00:19:16,380 --> 00:19:18,250
because with Quagmire,
sex is inevitable.
520
00:19:18,250 --> 00:19:20,110
Like a fat guy ordering dessert
521
00:19:20,120 --> 00:19:21,780
when everyone else wants
to leave.
522
00:19:21,790 --> 00:19:23,950
So, does anyone
want dessert?
523
00:19:23,960 --> 00:19:25,230
Ah, I couldn't
eat another bite.
524
00:19:25,220 --> 00:19:27,990
No. I got to get home
for the sitter.
525
00:19:27,990 --> 00:19:29,090
I'll have
the soufflé.
526
00:19:29,100 --> 00:19:30,370
That takes
45 minutes.
527
00:19:30,360 --> 00:19:32,030
That's okay.
528
00:19:34,970 --> 00:19:36,730
Oh, I can't believe
we're doing this,
529
00:19:36,740 --> 00:19:39,240
but I got to say,
it feels kind of right.
530
00:19:39,240 --> 00:19:40,900
I know, it's so
weird, right?
531
00:19:40,910 --> 00:19:42,850
I mean, it's... I mean,
it's, like, fast.
532
00:19:42,840 --> 00:19:46,270
I mean, it's fast, but it feels,
like, okay, you know?
533
00:19:46,280 --> 00:19:47,440
I mean, like,
isn't that crazy?
534
00:19:47,450 --> 00:19:50,150
It's like this adventure
that we're having together.
535
00:19:50,150 --> 00:19:52,950
I know. That's exactly
how I feel.
536
00:19:52,950 --> 00:19:54,850
I mean, it's a little strange,
537
00:19:54,850 --> 00:19:57,190
but if Peter's never
coming back to me,
538
00:19:57,190 --> 00:19:58,720
it's at least nice to know
539
00:19:58,730 --> 00:20:01,200
I'm in the arms
of a trusted friend.
540
00:20:01,190 --> 00:20:04,790
You... You trust me?
541
00:20:05,930 --> 00:20:06,960
Uh-oh.
542
00:20:06,970 --> 00:20:08,340
Wha...? Is something wrong?
543
00:20:08,330 --> 00:20:09,730
I-I-I don't know.
544
00:20:09,740 --> 00:20:12,310
I'll be right back.
545
00:20:12,310 --> 00:20:14,210
(rhythmic whooshing)
546
00:20:14,210 --> 00:20:15,380
Damn it!
547
00:20:15,380 --> 00:20:17,120
Lois!
548
00:20:17,110 --> 00:20:17,970
Peter?!
549
00:20:17,980 --> 00:20:19,050
What-What are you doing here?
550
00:20:19,050 --> 00:20:21,490
I got my memory back,
and I love you, Lois.
551
00:20:21,480 --> 00:20:23,310
I want you and the kids back.
552
00:20:23,320 --> 00:20:24,860
I want our old life back.
553
00:20:24,850 --> 00:20:25,910
(Lois laughs)
554
00:20:25,920 --> 00:20:27,180
I don't believe it!
555
00:20:27,190 --> 00:20:28,760
Sweetheart, it's you!
556
00:20:28,760 --> 00:20:29,860
You're back!
557
00:20:29,860 --> 00:20:31,060
QUAGMIRE:
Oh! Damn it!
558
00:20:31,060 --> 00:20:33,160
I'm back, Lois, and I'm sorry.
559
00:20:33,160 --> 00:20:35,990
I treated you so badly,
but I hope you know
560
00:20:36,000 --> 00:20:38,340
it-it was only because
I wasn't myself.
561
00:20:38,330 --> 00:20:40,400
I didn't just lose my memory.
562
00:20:40,400 --> 00:20:41,860
I lost my mind.
563
00:20:41,870 --> 00:20:42,760
Clear!
564
00:20:42,770 --> 00:20:44,300
(electrical buzzing)
565
00:20:44,300 --> 00:20:44,970
Damn it!
566
00:20:44,970 --> 00:20:46,870
Oh, my God, Peter,
I don't care!
567
00:20:46,870 --> 00:20:47,840
I don't care.
568
00:20:47,840 --> 00:20:49,840
I'm just overjoyed
to have you back!
569
00:20:49,840 --> 00:20:50,970
Let's go home!
570
00:20:50,980 --> 00:20:53,050
(electrical buzzing)
571
00:20:53,050 --> 00:20:54,450
QUAGMIRE:
Damn it!
572
00:20:54,450 --> 00:20:55,850
(buzzing)
Damn it.
573
00:20:55,850 --> 00:20:57,010
(buzzing)
Damn it!
574
00:20:57,020 --> 00:20:58,890
(Quagmire sobbing)47355
Can't find what you're looking for?
Get subtitles in any language from opensubtitles.com, and translate them here.
Afrikaans
Akan
Albanian
Amharic
Arabic
Armenian
Azerbaijani
Basque
Belarusian
Bemba
Bengali
Bihari
Bosnian
Breton
Bulgarian
Cambodian
Catalan
Cebuano
Cherokee
Chichewa
Chinese (Simplified)
Chinese (Traditional)
Corsican
Croatian
Czech
Danish
Dutch
English
Esperanto
Estonian
Faroese
Finnish
Galician
Georgian
German
Greek
Guarani
Haitian Creole
Hausa
Hawaiian
Hebrew
Hmong
Hungarian
Icelandic
Indonesian
Irish
Italian
Japanese
Kazakh
Kinyarwanda
Kirundi
Kongo
Korean
Krio (Sierra Leone)
Kurdish
Kyrgyz
Laothian
Latin
Latvian
Lithuanian
Luganda
Luo
Luxembourgish
Macedonian
Malagasy
Malay
Maltese
Maori
Mauritian Creole
Moldavian
Mongolian
Myanmar (Burmese)
Montenegrin
Nepali
Norwegian
Pashto
Persian
Polish
Portuguese (Brazil)
Portuguese (Portugal)
Quechua
Romanian
Romansh
Russian
Samoan
Scots Gaelic
Serbian
Sesotho
Setswana
Seychellois Creole
Shona
Sindhi
Sinhalese
Slovak
Slovenian
Somali
Spanish
Tajik
Thai
Tigrinya
Tonga
Turkish
Turkmen
Ukrainian
Uzbek
Vietnamese
Welsh
Wolof