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1
00:00:01,469 --> 00:00:04,405
It seems today
that all you see.
2
00:00:04,472 --> 00:00:07,975
Is violence in movies
and sex on TV.
3
00:00:08,042 --> 00:00:11,512
But where are those
good old-fashioned values.
4
00:00:11,579 --> 00:00:14,382
On which we used to rely?
5
00:00:14,448 --> 00:00:17,751
Lucky there's a family guy.
6
00:00:17,818 --> 00:00:21,389
Lucky there's a man
who positively can do.
7
00:00:21,455 --> 00:00:23,057
All the things that make us.
8
00:00:23,124 --> 00:00:24,792
Laugh and cry.
9
00:00:24,858 --> 00:00:30,098
He's... a...
Fam... ily... Guy!
10
00:00:35,769 --> 00:00:38,372
From Time Life
Music, comes a one-of-a-kind.
11
00:00:38,439 --> 00:00:41,409
Rat Pack collection,
"Their Most Bigoted Songs."
12
00:00:41,475 --> 00:00:43,811
All your favorite,
once acceptable hits like.
13
00:00:43,877 --> 00:00:45,246
"Drunk Old Injun."
14
00:00:47,148 --> 00:00:49,683
The drunk old Injun's
squattin' in his teepee.
15
00:00:49,750 --> 00:00:52,253
Fire water keepin' him warm.
16
00:00:52,320 --> 00:00:53,987
"Jewish Nose."
17
00:00:54,054 --> 00:00:57,691
She's got a big, beautiful
Jewish nose.
18
00:00:57,758 --> 00:01:01,028
And it's there two minutes
early wherever she goes.
19
00:01:01,095 --> 00:01:04,365
Dean Martin singing
"Chinaman's Chance."
20
00:01:04,432 --> 00:01:07,601
And Mr. Chinaman say,
in his Chinaman way.
21
00:01:07,668 --> 00:01:11,372
A ding-a-ling, a ching-a-chong
a ching-a-chong choo.
22
00:01:11,439 --> 00:01:14,542
"Pew, Stinky Frenchman."
23
00:01:14,608 --> 00:01:17,611
Paris is lovely and Nice
sure is nice.
24
00:01:17,678 --> 00:01:20,681
And Marseilles is charming
with champagne on ice.
25
00:01:20,748 --> 00:01:24,452
But you, stinky Frenchman,
haven't a clue.
26
00:01:24,518 --> 00:01:28,156
Pew, stinky Frenchman,
frog you.
27
00:01:28,222 --> 00:01:29,557
"Hey There, Fruity."
28
00:01:31,192 --> 00:01:32,326
Hey there, fruity.
29
00:01:32,393 --> 00:01:34,195
You can do my hair.
30
00:01:34,262 --> 00:01:35,596
Hey there, fruity.
31
00:01:35,663 --> 00:01:37,465
Don't touch me down there.
32
00:01:37,531 --> 00:01:39,300
Hey there, fruity.
33
00:01:39,367 --> 00:01:42,570
You're gay
and I don't approve.
34
00:01:42,636 --> 00:01:44,838
And many more!
35
00:01:46,374 --> 00:01:47,584
You know, I'm sick
of looking at that.
36
00:01:47,608 --> 00:01:49,543
What?
That empty space.
37
00:01:49,610 --> 00:01:51,812
It just reminds me that
Cleveland's not here anymore.
38
00:01:51,879 --> 00:01:53,423
Yeah, it's just not the same
without him.
39
00:01:53,447 --> 00:01:54,715
I sure wish he...
40
00:01:54,782 --> 00:01:56,484
Hey, guys, look!
41
00:01:57,685 --> 00:01:58,752
It's him!
42
00:01:58,819 --> 00:01:59,887
Hey, Cleveland!
43
00:01:59,953 --> 00:02:02,656
Why didn't you tell us
you were back, buddy?
44
00:02:02,723 --> 00:02:03,891
Oh, it's a lamp.
45
00:02:06,394 --> 00:02:08,196
You know, guys,
I've been thinkin'.
46
00:02:08,262 --> 00:02:10,164
We need a new fourth guy
for our group.
47
00:02:10,231 --> 00:02:11,332
We're a man short.
48
00:02:11,399 --> 00:02:13,000
Like Stadler
without Waldorf.
49
00:02:14,502 --> 00:02:16,246
You know, without the other guy
yappin' in my ear,
50
00:02:16,270 --> 00:02:17,571
these guys aren't half bad.
51
00:02:21,542 --> 00:02:23,677
Now I know you're interested
in being the fourth guy
52
00:02:23,744 --> 00:02:26,347
in our entourage,
Kevin Connolly, but don't you
53
00:02:26,414 --> 00:02:28,358
think you're a little small?
Listen, I tell you what.
54
00:02:28,382 --> 00:02:31,084
You can be in our group if I
can have some of your cereal.
55
00:02:31,151 --> 00:02:33,621
Oh, no! They're after
me Kevin Connolly Charms!
56
00:02:39,560 --> 00:02:41,429
How's your friend
search going?
57
00:02:41,495 --> 00:02:43,631
Not great, Lois.
What friend search?
58
00:02:43,697 --> 00:02:45,609
Oh, we're just trying to find
a friend to replace Cleveland.
59
00:02:45,633 --> 00:02:47,668
We've been meeting people
for the past three days.
60
00:02:47,735 --> 00:02:49,446
Well, you don't need
to look for somebody new.
61
00:02:49,470 --> 00:02:51,372
I'll hang out with you
guys. Yeah, you know,
62
00:02:51,439 --> 00:02:52,782
I don't think that's
gonna work out, Brian,
63
00:02:52,806 --> 00:02:54,174
'cause of the whole
Quagmire thing.
64
00:02:54,242 --> 00:02:55,443
What Quagmire thing?
65
00:02:55,509 --> 00:02:57,245
Oh, you know, just
that he hates you.
66
00:02:57,311 --> 00:02:59,146
Quagmire hates me?
Hates you.
67
00:02:59,213 --> 00:03:01,415
I-I don't get it. Why, why
wouldn't Quagmire like me?
68
00:03:01,482 --> 00:03:03,050
Because he thinks
you're annoying.
69
00:03:03,116 --> 00:03:05,286
Like people who never
shut up about their kids.
70
00:03:05,353 --> 00:03:07,655
He... he would have
been four today.
71
00:03:07,721 --> 00:03:10,291
I-I still don't
understand.
72
00:03:10,358 --> 00:03:12,560
How do you drown
in an inch of water?
73
00:03:12,626 --> 00:03:14,695
Well...
74
00:03:14,762 --> 00:03:17,965
I guess I don't have a
new sweater and a haircut.
75
00:03:22,202 --> 00:03:23,604
Who would've thought
76
00:03:23,671 --> 00:03:24,948
it would be this hard
to replace Cleveland?
77
00:03:24,972 --> 00:03:26,440
You know, guys,
we've kind of been
78
00:03:26,507 --> 00:03:27,741
ignoring the obvious here.
79
00:03:27,808 --> 00:03:29,477
I mean, if you really
break it down,
80
00:03:29,543 --> 00:03:31,345
what we need is a black guy.
81
00:03:31,412 --> 00:03:33,414
Yeah, that was the best thing
about Cleveland.
82
00:03:33,481 --> 00:03:35,616
Oh, by far.
I sure do miss him.
83
00:03:35,683 --> 00:03:37,523
Peter's right.
We gotta find another black guy.
84
00:03:37,551 --> 00:03:38,628
Yeah, 'cause
otherwise we're just
85
00:03:38,652 --> 00:03:40,288
a bunch of boring
white guys.
86
00:03:40,354 --> 00:03:42,089
Like a London
gentlemen's club.
87
00:04:36,810 --> 00:04:39,580
Hey, you guys want to
enter the darts tournament?
88
00:04:39,647 --> 00:04:41,649
First prize is free
drinks all night.
89
00:04:41,715 --> 00:04:43,760
Oh, we'd love to, Horace,
but there's only three of us.
90
00:04:43,784 --> 00:04:45,653
Did I hear some sorry ass fools
91
00:04:45,719 --> 00:04:47,755
in need of a motherlovin'
fourth?
92
00:04:52,693 --> 00:04:55,128
I'll join
your darts game.
93
00:04:55,195 --> 00:04:56,464
How do we know
you're any good?
94
00:05:00,634 --> 00:05:03,904
Gentlemen,
we got us a black man.
95
00:05:08,476 --> 00:05:11,178
Oh, boy,
what a fantastic evening.
96
00:05:11,244 --> 00:05:14,147
Jerome, you are a wonderful
addition to our group.
97
00:05:14,214 --> 00:05:15,349
Hey, thanks, Peter.
98
00:05:15,416 --> 00:05:16,750
I like you guys, too.
99
00:05:16,817 --> 00:05:19,420
What do you say we hit
another bar, keep it goin'?
100
00:05:19,487 --> 00:05:22,456
I can't. There's a girl tied up in my
basement who needs some food.
101
00:05:22,523 --> 00:05:24,692
That's funny.
You funny, pointy man.
102
00:05:24,758 --> 00:05:27,395
Yeah, I...
I joke around a lot.
103
00:05:32,400 --> 00:05:33,643
Thanks for the lift
home, Jerome.
104
00:05:33,667 --> 00:05:35,302
Hey, if you got
time to come in,
105
00:05:35,369 --> 00:05:36,513
I'd love for you
to meet my wife.
106
00:05:36,537 --> 00:05:38,606
I got time for
whatever I want, fool.
107
00:05:38,672 --> 00:05:41,475
My watch don't tell
time, I tell it.
108
00:05:41,542 --> 00:05:44,612
Wow, you're cooler than
a York Peppermint Pattie.
109
00:05:44,678 --> 00:05:46,647
When I bite
into a York Peppermint Pattie,
110
00:05:46,714 --> 00:05:48,616
I get the sensation...
111
00:05:48,682 --> 00:05:52,085
of being on a frozen
mountaintop!
112
00:05:52,152 --> 00:05:54,788
It has been two months
since I made the tragic choice
113
00:05:54,855 --> 00:05:57,157
to bite into
a York Peppermint Pattie,
114
00:05:57,224 --> 00:05:58,692
and still I have made
no progress
115
00:05:58,759 --> 00:06:00,694
finding my way
out of the mountains.
116
00:06:00,761 --> 00:06:02,663
The only food I have
is the rest of this.
117
00:06:02,730 --> 00:06:04,932
York Peppermint Pattie,
which unfortunately,
118
00:06:04,998 --> 00:06:07,401
keeps bringing me back
to the top of the mountain.
119
00:06:07,468 --> 00:06:10,838
If anyone finds this,
tell my family I love them.
120
00:06:10,904 --> 00:06:13,541
...of being on a
frozen mountaintop!
121
00:06:17,310 --> 00:06:19,713
Hey, Lois. I'd like you
to meet our new friend...
122
00:06:19,780 --> 00:06:20,714
Jerome?
123
00:06:20,781 --> 00:06:21,715
Loose Lois?
124
00:06:21,782 --> 00:06:24,117
Wha... you guys
know each other?
125
00:06:24,184 --> 00:06:25,519
Know each other?
126
00:06:25,586 --> 00:06:27,755
Peter, Jerome is an
old boyfriend of mine.
127
00:06:27,821 --> 00:06:29,890
What?!
128
00:06:29,957 --> 00:06:31,992
Sorry, I was out of it.
Wait, are we being robbed?
129
00:06:37,431 --> 00:06:39,933
Peter, I know I told
you about Jerome.
130
00:06:40,000 --> 00:06:42,135
Lois, I would've remembered
if you told me that.
131
00:06:42,202 --> 00:06:43,504
I told you, Peter.
132
00:06:43,571 --> 00:06:45,405
I remember exactly
what we were doing.
133
00:06:49,409 --> 00:06:51,011
I slept with a black guy.
134
00:06:51,078 --> 00:06:54,147
I hope this doesn't make
you feel awkward, my man.
135
00:06:54,214 --> 00:06:55,583
It was a long time ago.
136
00:06:55,649 --> 00:06:57,417
Hey, that's
a beautiful baby.
137
00:06:57,485 --> 00:06:58,952
Mind if I hold him?
138
00:06:59,019 --> 00:07:00,420
Go right ahead.
139
00:07:00,488 --> 00:07:01,589
Hey there, lil' fella.
140
00:07:01,655 --> 00:07:03,090
What's that around
your neck?
141
00:07:03,156 --> 00:07:05,593
Well, I say, it's
a little Black Jesus.
142
00:07:05,659 --> 00:07:07,795
Black Jesus.
143
00:07:07,861 --> 00:07:10,498
I rode into town
on an ass.
144
00:07:10,564 --> 00:07:12,432
Your mama's ass.
145
00:07:12,500 --> 00:07:15,368
Black Jesus.
146
00:07:15,435 --> 00:07:17,204
It was really good
to see you, Lois.
147
00:07:17,270 --> 00:07:19,507
We should grab a coffee
or something and catch up.
148
00:07:19,573 --> 00:07:21,341
That would be great.
149
00:07:21,408 --> 00:07:23,410
It was really nice
to see you, too.
150
00:07:23,477 --> 00:07:24,654
Well, it's gettin'
late, Jerome.
151
00:07:24,678 --> 00:07:26,446
I'm sure you got stuff to do.
152
00:07:26,514 --> 00:07:28,448
Yeah, I gotta go down
to the gas station
153
00:07:28,516 --> 00:07:30,283
and buy a framed
painting of a tiger.
154
00:07:30,350 --> 00:07:32,653
Catch y'all later.
155
00:07:32,720 --> 00:07:35,255
You're not really gonna
hang out with him, Lois, are ya?
156
00:07:35,322 --> 00:07:36,590
We're just friends, Peter.
157
00:07:36,657 --> 00:07:38,158
Don't tell me
you're jealous?
158
00:07:38,225 --> 00:07:41,461
Well, you datin' that guy?
It's just a lot to take in.
159
00:07:41,529 --> 00:07:43,230
Oh, you're tellin' me.
160
00:07:43,296 --> 00:07:45,566
Oh, come on! Those kinds
of jokes aren't helpin'.
161
00:07:45,633 --> 00:07:47,334
Well, what do you
want me to say?
162
00:07:47,400 --> 00:07:48,669
You're bein' silly.
163
00:07:48,736 --> 00:07:51,705
I mean, Jerome and I
dated over 12 inches ago.
164
00:07:51,772 --> 00:07:53,741
I said inches!
165
00:07:53,807 --> 00:07:56,109
What did I just say?!
I'm sorry.
166
00:07:56,176 --> 00:07:58,178
I'm sorry. Okay,
look, just relax.
167
00:07:58,245 --> 00:08:00,614
You're my husband
and I love you,
168
00:08:00,681 --> 00:08:02,249
so just put Jerome
out of your head.
169
00:08:03,551 --> 00:08:05,819
Get him out of my life
is more like it.
170
00:08:08,556 --> 00:08:10,958
Brian, I just found
out Chris Farley died.
171
00:08:11,024 --> 00:08:12,960
Yeah, that happened,
like, 12 years ago.
172
00:08:13,026 --> 00:08:14,628
But I just watched
Tommy Boy yesterday.
173
00:08:14,695 --> 00:08:16,363
He was right there.
Yeah, that's a movie.
174
00:08:16,429 --> 00:08:18,666
It's shot beforehand.
It's not happening right now.
175
00:08:18,732 --> 00:08:21,434
Really? But I thought
my knocking on the TV glass
176
00:08:21,501 --> 00:08:23,780
distracted him, and that's
what made him fall down that hill.
177
00:08:23,804 --> 00:08:26,239
Oh, oh, seeing him
fall down that hill
178
00:08:26,306 --> 00:08:27,407
put me in a good humor!
179
00:08:27,474 --> 00:08:28,642
Stewie, get lost.
180
00:08:28,709 --> 00:08:30,510
What are you doing
just standing out here?
181
00:08:30,578 --> 00:08:32,445
I'm waiting for Quagmire
to get his mail.
182
00:08:32,512 --> 00:08:34,047
I'm gonna conveniently
stroll by
183
00:08:34,114 --> 00:08:35,559
and strike up a
conversation with him,
184
00:08:35,583 --> 00:08:37,184
and maybe find out
why he hates me.
185
00:08:37,250 --> 00:08:38,662
Oh, I'm sure it's just
a misunderstanding.
186
00:08:38,686 --> 00:08:40,520
You'll smooth it over.
187
00:08:43,557 --> 00:08:45,626
Hey, Quagmire,
what a coincidence.
188
00:08:45,693 --> 00:08:47,494
You and me just runnin'
into each other.
189
00:08:47,561 --> 00:08:48,996
How, how ya doin'?
Fine.
190
00:08:51,799 --> 00:08:53,567
Oh, takin' a break, huh?
191
00:08:53,634 --> 00:08:55,168
She's a hot piece of ass.
192
00:08:55,235 --> 00:08:56,946
And from the looks of it,
she likes it rough.
193
00:08:56,970 --> 00:08:58,271
That's my sister, Brian.
194
00:08:58,338 --> 00:09:00,340
Her boyfriend has been
beating her mercilessly.
195
00:09:00,407 --> 00:09:02,676
The last thing she'd want
right now is to be objectified.
196
00:09:02,743 --> 00:09:04,511
Oh, God.
I'm-I'm really sorry.
197
00:09:04,578 --> 00:09:08,115
I got a deaf brother, you
want to make fun of him, too?
198
00:09:13,186 --> 00:09:14,655
- Where is she?
- She's not here.
199
00:09:14,722 --> 00:09:16,156
Get out, Jeff!
200
00:09:16,223 --> 00:09:17,557
Just get out of here!
201
00:09:17,625 --> 00:09:19,159
Oh, I'll get out
when I'm finished.
202
00:09:19,226 --> 00:09:20,728
No! Ow!
203
00:09:20,794 --> 00:09:23,163
You feel good about your sex
joke earlier, Brian?
204
00:09:23,230 --> 00:09:25,365
He's savagely beating her again.
You hear that?
205
00:09:25,432 --> 00:09:26,566
Yeah, I'm not deaf.
206
00:09:26,634 --> 00:09:28,168
Oh, oh, what, like my brother?
207
00:09:28,235 --> 00:09:29,336
Boy, you have no class!
208
00:09:29,402 --> 00:09:31,271
Yeah, that's the
guy's brother, man!
209
00:09:31,338 --> 00:09:33,073
Yeah!
Shut up, bitch!
210
00:09:36,877 --> 00:09:38,946
Hey, you know
what they say.
211
00:09:39,012 --> 00:09:41,348
See a broad,
to get that booty, yak 'em.
212
00:09:41,414 --> 00:09:43,884
Leg her down and
smack 'em yak 'em!
213
00:09:43,951 --> 00:09:45,585
Cold got to be.
214
00:09:47,721 --> 00:09:49,522
Golly!
If you'll excuse me,
215
00:09:49,589 --> 00:09:51,358
I'm gonna order me
some cheap cognac
216
00:09:51,424 --> 00:09:53,627
and put it
in a fancy glass.
217
00:09:53,694 --> 00:09:54,738
Boy, Jerome
is the greatest.
218
00:09:54,762 --> 00:09:56,263
We really lucked out.
219
00:09:56,329 --> 00:09:57,497
I don't know, you guys.
220
00:09:57,564 --> 00:09:58,832
I'm not so sure
about Jerome.
221
00:09:58,899 --> 00:10:00,834
I mean, how do we know
we can really trust him?
222
00:10:00,901 --> 00:10:03,303
What are you talking about,
Peter? Jerome's awesome.
223
00:10:03,370 --> 00:10:05,048
Yeah, why the hell wouldn't
we be able to trust him?
224
00:10:05,072 --> 00:10:06,432
All right, you guys
want the truth?
225
00:10:06,473 --> 00:10:09,142
Before me and Lois were married,
our new friend
226
00:10:09,209 --> 00:10:11,178
used to slip her
the old Pringles can.
227
00:10:11,244 --> 00:10:14,214
Well, so what, Peter.
That was 20 years ago.
228
00:10:14,281 --> 00:10:15,582
That doesn't matter!
229
00:10:15,649 --> 00:10:17,450
Look, Peter,
Jerome's the coolest guy
230
00:10:17,517 --> 00:10:18,819
we've met since
Cleveland left.
231
00:10:18,886 --> 00:10:21,154
Yeah, don't do anything
to ruin this, Peter.
232
00:10:21,221 --> 00:10:23,290
You know, the way you
ruined my parrot.
233
00:10:23,356 --> 00:10:24,758
I just bought
it yesterday.
234
00:10:24,825 --> 00:10:26,259
Isn't it beautiful?
235
00:10:26,326 --> 00:10:28,304
Cripple, cripple, cripple,
cripple, cripple, cripple,
236
00:10:28,328 --> 00:10:29,688
cripple, cripple,
cripple, cripple.
237
00:10:29,730 --> 00:10:31,131
Cripple!
Damn it!
238
00:10:35,535 --> 00:10:36,837
That son of a bitch.
239
00:10:36,904 --> 00:10:38,638
Thinks he can sleep
with my wife!
240
00:10:38,706 --> 00:10:40,173
Not on my watch.
241
00:10:42,642 --> 00:10:44,812
Listen, I don't care that
you're dating Mallory.
242
00:10:44,878 --> 00:10:46,814
Nobody in this family
likes you, Nick.
243
00:10:46,880 --> 00:10:49,616
You just stand your ground,
garbage sculpture man.
244
00:10:49,683 --> 00:10:51,184
They'll come to respect you.
245
00:10:51,251 --> 00:10:52,452
You bastard.
246
00:10:52,519 --> 00:10:53,787
Nick was no good for her
247
00:10:53,854 --> 00:10:55,989
and it broke
Skippy Handleman's heart!
248
00:11:05,699 --> 00:11:08,401
Dear God and Black Jesus!
249
00:11:15,743 --> 00:11:18,011
Jerome? What, uh...
250
00:11:18,078 --> 00:11:19,488
What-what the hell
are you doing here?
251
00:11:19,512 --> 00:11:22,249
Oh, Peter, something
terrible has happened.
252
00:11:22,315 --> 00:11:24,718
Somebody burned down
Jerome's house last night.
253
00:11:24,785 --> 00:11:27,420
This whacked-out world.
254
00:11:27,487 --> 00:11:29,422
It just makes you want
to grab your nephew
255
00:11:29,489 --> 00:11:32,025
and get in a van and shoot
people in the D.C. area.
256
00:11:32,092 --> 00:11:34,661
Yeah, well, when I find
the guy who did it,
257
00:11:34,728 --> 00:11:37,931
I'm gonna rip his arms off and
do his wife in front of him.
258
00:11:37,998 --> 00:11:39,666
And no one would blame you.
259
00:11:39,733 --> 00:11:40,901
But, meanwhile, Jerome,
260
00:11:40,968 --> 00:11:42,511
you are more than
welcome to stay with us.
261
00:11:42,535 --> 00:11:43,937
What?
262
00:11:44,004 --> 00:11:45,806
Oh, well, thank
you, Lois.
263
00:11:45,873 --> 00:11:48,876
Man, I'm so lucky to have real
friends like you and Peter.
264
00:11:48,942 --> 00:11:50,543
Well, I guess
you can stay here.
265
00:11:50,610 --> 00:11:51,755
But I'll tell you
one thing...
266
00:11:51,779 --> 00:11:52,913
Oh, hang on a second.
267
00:11:52,980 --> 00:11:55,048
What is that?
268
00:11:55,115 --> 00:11:57,450
I don't know, it's trying
to do something.
269
00:11:59,019 --> 00:12:01,989
Well, well, I guess we're
just gonna have to wait.
270
00:12:07,260 --> 00:12:10,263
So how long is Jerome
gonna be staying with us, Dad?
271
00:12:10,330 --> 00:12:12,876
I don't know, Chris, but the
sooner he's out of here, the better.
272
00:12:12,900 --> 00:12:14,835
I don't trust him around
Lois for a second.
273
00:12:14,902 --> 00:12:18,171
Oh, God, Jerome,
that is so good.
274
00:12:18,238 --> 00:12:21,074
Oh, yeah,
it's so hot and moist.
275
00:12:22,142 --> 00:12:25,879
Mmm, these scones
are delicious.
276
00:12:25,946 --> 00:12:28,215
You are quite the little baker,
Jerome.
277
00:12:28,281 --> 00:12:29,416
Oh, thank God.
278
00:12:29,482 --> 00:12:30,717
What's going on in here?!
279
00:12:30,784 --> 00:12:32,185
Relax, Mr. Furley.
280
00:12:32,252 --> 00:12:34,021
I thought what you
thought, but it's okay.
281
00:12:34,087 --> 00:12:36,132
Well, it sounded like...
I know, I know, but it's fine.
282
00:12:36,156 --> 00:12:37,858
Go back to being dead.
283
00:12:37,925 --> 00:12:39,259
Peter, is everything
all right?
284
00:12:39,326 --> 00:12:41,094
Yeah. Yeah, Lois.
Everything's fine.
285
00:12:41,161 --> 00:12:43,196
You guys, uh, having
a little breakfast?
286
00:12:43,263 --> 00:12:45,632
Yes, and Jerome
made scones.
287
00:12:45,698 --> 00:12:48,268
Would you like one?
Oh, they're delicious.
288
00:12:48,335 --> 00:12:50,804
I thought maybe later
today, we could all...
289
00:12:53,240 --> 00:12:55,308
Oh, my God!
Mom's choking!
290
00:12:55,375 --> 00:12:57,310
Out of the way.
I'm an EMT.
291
00:13:01,714 --> 00:13:03,216
Her airway's jammed.
292
00:13:03,283 --> 00:13:04,617
Come on, now.
Just like that.
293
00:13:06,186 --> 00:13:08,155
I need some
gravitational help.
294
00:13:09,857 --> 00:13:12,225
Oh, no, her clothes
are constricting!
295
00:13:12,292 --> 00:13:13,961
As are mine!
296
00:13:20,000 --> 00:13:21,434
Oh, my God!
297
00:13:21,501 --> 00:13:23,636
Oh! Thank you, Jerome!
298
00:13:23,703 --> 00:13:25,305
You saved my life!
299
00:13:25,372 --> 00:13:28,008
"Um, I'll have
what she's having,"
300
00:13:28,075 --> 00:13:30,410
says the funniest person
in the room.
301
00:13:35,182 --> 00:13:37,084
Hey, what are you getting
all dressed up for?
302
00:13:37,150 --> 00:13:38,919
I'm treating Quagmire
to a night out.
303
00:13:38,986 --> 00:13:40,187
Really? I thought
he hated you.
304
00:13:40,253 --> 00:13:41,373
How'd you
convince him to go?
305
00:13:41,421 --> 00:13:43,290
I tricked him.
Sent him a phony card.
306
00:13:43,356 --> 00:13:45,758
He thinks he's going on a
date with an old girlfriend.
307
00:13:45,825 --> 00:13:47,494
But instead,
you're going to show up.
308
00:13:47,560 --> 00:13:49,129
You got it.
Yikes.
309
00:13:49,196 --> 00:13:50,763
That's a recipe
for disappointment.
310
00:13:50,830 --> 00:13:52,332
Like walking
a floral arrangement
311
00:13:52,399 --> 00:13:54,101
through an office
full of fat women.
312
00:13:55,302 --> 00:13:56,970
Is there
a Miss...
313
00:13:57,037 --> 00:13:58,838
...es.
314
00:14:03,076 --> 00:14:05,712
Brian?
Where's Cheryl Tiegs?
315
00:14:05,778 --> 00:14:07,380
Well, she's not coming.
316
00:14:07,447 --> 00:14:09,950
I wrote you that, because I knew
you'd never come if it was me.
317
00:14:10,017 --> 00:14:12,585
But I planned a big night and
we're gonna have a great time.
318
00:14:12,652 --> 00:14:15,122
Brian, Cheryl was the one
that got away.
319
00:14:15,188 --> 00:14:17,157
She was the great love
of my life.
320
00:14:17,224 --> 00:14:18,992
I thought this was my chance
321
00:14:19,059 --> 00:14:21,061
to finally achieve
some real happiness.
322
00:14:21,128 --> 00:14:23,363
Ever since she left,
I've been chasing girls
323
00:14:23,430 --> 00:14:25,732
to fill the hole she made
when she walked out.
324
00:14:25,798 --> 00:14:27,734
And now I'm forever lost.
325
00:14:27,800 --> 00:14:29,937
Well, I bet a thick,
juicy steak
326
00:14:30,003 --> 00:14:31,304
could help fill
that hole, huh?
327
00:14:35,075 --> 00:14:37,177
Aw, come on,
it'll be great.
328
00:14:37,244 --> 00:14:40,013
Listen, Glenn,
I-I want us to be friends.
329
00:14:40,080 --> 00:14:41,848
I think we could be
an even better team
330
00:14:41,915 --> 00:14:44,918
than Lewis and Clark and The
Guy Who Likes To Rip Up Maps.
331
00:14:44,985 --> 00:14:48,055
All right,
the Northwest Passage.
332
00:14:48,121 --> 00:14:50,157
Hey, can I see that?
333
00:14:51,791 --> 00:14:53,160
Damn it! You ass!
334
00:14:53,226 --> 00:14:55,228
Easy, Clark.
I hate that guy!
335
00:14:55,295 --> 00:14:56,429
It's been a long trip.
336
00:14:56,496 --> 00:14:58,298
You're tired.
No! I hate him!
337
00:14:58,365 --> 00:15:00,433
Look, you're angry,
you're dehydrated.
338
00:15:00,500 --> 00:15:02,235
Just have some water
from the canteen
339
00:15:02,302 --> 00:15:04,304
and you'll feel better.
Okay.
340
00:15:04,371 --> 00:15:07,007
I just totally drowned
this anthill.
341
00:15:07,074 --> 00:15:09,376
Hey, when are we
going to get there?
342
00:15:13,480 --> 00:15:16,616
Oh, and this is Peter
and I at our wedding.
343
00:15:16,683 --> 00:15:18,318
Aw, you look beautiful.
344
00:15:18,385 --> 00:15:20,053
And he's a handsome
fella, ain't he?
345
00:15:20,120 --> 00:15:22,022
Well, I am ready
for my evening.
346
00:15:22,089 --> 00:15:23,390
Oh, my God, Peter!
347
00:15:23,456 --> 00:15:25,625
What the hell?!
Peter, what are you doing?
348
00:15:25,692 --> 00:15:28,128
Oh, surely, Jerome, you don't
want to stay in the same house
349
00:15:28,195 --> 00:15:30,397
as a ghost who carries
a torch around.
350
00:15:30,463 --> 00:15:33,000
Ooh, fire ghost!
351
00:15:33,066 --> 00:15:34,401
Ooh! Ya scared yet?
352
00:15:34,467 --> 00:15:36,145
Didn't know this place
was haunted, did ya?
353
00:15:36,169 --> 00:15:37,470
Peter, take that
thing off!
354
00:15:37,537 --> 00:15:39,139
Hey, what the hell's
going on?
355
00:15:39,206 --> 00:15:40,366
I'll tell you
what's going on.
356
00:15:40,407 --> 00:15:42,275
I have had about
enough of you, Jerome.
357
00:15:42,342 --> 00:15:44,377
I know you want my wife,
but you can't have her!
358
00:15:44,444 --> 00:15:46,446
You are no longer
welcome in my house!
359
00:15:46,513 --> 00:15:48,281
Whatchu talkin' 'bout, Peter?
360
00:15:48,348 --> 00:15:49,558
But you can't have
sex with Lois!
361
00:15:49,582 --> 00:15:51,751
Now, I want you out
of here right now!
362
00:15:51,818 --> 00:15:54,154
I can't believe this.
363
00:15:54,221 --> 00:15:56,323
I thought I found
a true friend in you.
364
00:15:56,389 --> 00:16:00,093
I'd never do anything to hurt
you or your family.
365
00:16:00,160 --> 00:16:02,129
Man, you're breaking my heart.
366
00:16:02,195 --> 00:16:03,430
Jerome, wait.
367
00:16:03,496 --> 00:16:05,432
He doesn't know what
he's talking about.
368
00:16:05,498 --> 00:16:06,499
I'm sorry, Lois.
369
00:16:06,566 --> 00:16:09,236
I think it would be better
if I left.
370
00:16:09,302 --> 00:16:12,305
Peter, I'm sorry
if I caused you any trouble.
371
00:16:12,372 --> 00:16:15,442
I won't be bothering
you again.
372
00:16:17,910 --> 00:16:20,880
Wow, what just happened
was kind of sad.
373
00:16:35,328 --> 00:16:38,065
So... whose leg
do you have to hump
374
00:16:38,131 --> 00:16:39,411
to get a dry martini
around here?
375
00:16:41,734 --> 00:16:43,736
God, look at the size
of these steak knives.
376
00:16:43,803 --> 00:16:46,039
Wha-what are they serving us?
Tyrannosaurus Rex?
377
00:16:46,106 --> 00:16:48,841
Not likely.
378
00:16:48,908 --> 00:16:53,012
Hey, what if I just drank
this whole bottle of ketchup?
379
00:16:53,080 --> 00:16:54,947
Can you imagine?
You dare me?
380
00:16:55,014 --> 00:16:56,392
Kind of ruins it
for the next person
381
00:16:56,416 --> 00:16:58,251
who might want
some ketchup.
382
00:16:58,318 --> 00:16:59,986
So, how's
the flying business?
383
00:17:00,053 --> 00:17:02,722
Not so great. The
economy's sort of taken its toll,
384
00:17:02,789 --> 00:17:05,158
lot of salary cuts,
lot of layoffs. Yeah?
385
00:17:05,225 --> 00:17:06,759
That's pretty much it.
386
00:17:06,826 --> 00:17:09,229
I mean, you want to learn
more, read the papers,
387
00:17:09,296 --> 00:17:10,730
go on the Internet,
I-I don't know.
388
00:17:10,797 --> 00:17:12,275
Boy, that's got to be
an interesting job.
389
00:17:12,299 --> 00:17:13,976
I'll bet you got...
How do those things work?
390
00:17:14,000 --> 00:17:15,835
What? Planes?
391
00:17:15,902 --> 00:17:17,970
How does a plane work?
Yeah.
392
00:17:18,037 --> 00:17:20,973
You want me to sit here and
explain to you how a plane works?
393
00:17:21,040 --> 00:17:22,175
I don't know. Yeah.
394
00:17:22,242 --> 00:17:23,776
You want to maybe just go?
395
00:17:23,843 --> 00:17:25,845
Quagmire, come on,
I'm really trying hard here.
396
00:17:25,912 --> 00:17:27,514
Who asked you to try hard?
397
00:17:27,580 --> 00:17:29,220
Nobody, but all...
I'm trying to establish
398
00:17:29,249 --> 00:17:30,583
a friendship with you.
399
00:17:30,650 --> 00:17:32,619
All I've done is try
to be nice to you,
400
00:17:32,685 --> 00:17:35,388
and you still don't like me.
How can you not like me?
401
00:17:35,455 --> 00:17:37,724
Okay. I'll tell you.
402
00:17:37,790 --> 00:17:39,992
You are the worst person I know.
403
00:17:40,059 --> 00:17:41,570
You constantly hit on your
best friend's wife.
404
00:17:41,594 --> 00:17:43,430
The man pays for your food
and rescued you
405
00:17:43,496 --> 00:17:45,441
from certain death,
and this is how you repay him?
406
00:17:45,465 --> 00:17:48,301
And to add insult to injury,
you defecate all over his yard.
407
00:17:48,368 --> 00:17:50,470
And you're such a sponge.
You pay for nothing.
408
00:17:50,537 --> 00:17:52,047
You always say,
"Oh, I'll get you later."
409
00:17:52,071 --> 00:17:53,406
But later never comes.
410
00:17:53,473 --> 00:17:55,342
And what really bothers me,
is you pretend
411
00:17:55,408 --> 00:17:57,477
you're this deep guy who loves
women for their souls
412
00:17:57,544 --> 00:17:59,212
when all you do is date bimbos.
413
00:17:59,279 --> 00:18:00,679
Yeah, I date women
for their bodies,
414
00:18:00,713 --> 00:18:02,382
but at least
I'm honest about it.
415
00:18:02,449 --> 00:18:04,127
I don't buy them a copy
of Catcher in the Rye
416
00:18:04,151 --> 00:18:06,586
and then lecture them with some
seventh grade interpretation
417
00:18:06,653 --> 00:18:09,222
of how Holden Caulfield
is some profound, intellectual.
418
00:18:09,289 --> 00:18:11,358
He wasn't.
He was a spoiled brat.
419
00:18:11,424 --> 00:18:13,169
And that's why you like him
so much... he's you.
420
00:18:13,193 --> 00:18:14,494
God, you're pretentious!
421
00:18:14,561 --> 00:18:16,272
And you delude yourself
by thinking you're some
422
00:18:16,296 --> 00:18:17,540
great writer,
even though you're terrible.
423
00:18:17,564 --> 00:18:19,108
You know, I should have known
Cheryl Tiegs
424
00:18:19,132 --> 00:18:20,733
didn't write me that note.
425
00:18:20,800 --> 00:18:22,545
She would have known there's no
"A" in the word "definite."
426
00:18:22,569 --> 00:18:24,471
And I think
what I hate most about you
427
00:18:24,537 --> 00:18:26,406
is your textbook liberal agenda,
how we should
428
00:18:26,473 --> 00:18:28,208
"legalize pot, man,"
429
00:18:28,275 --> 00:18:29,995
how big business
is crushing the underclass,
430
00:18:30,042 --> 00:18:32,212
how homelessness is the biggest
tragedy in America.
431
00:18:32,279 --> 00:18:33,556
Well, what have you done
to help?
432
00:18:33,580 --> 00:18:35,215
I work down at the soup kitchen,
Brian.
433
00:18:35,282 --> 00:18:36,483
Never seen you down there.
434
00:18:36,549 --> 00:18:38,151
You want to help?
Grab a ladle!
435
00:18:38,218 --> 00:18:41,354
And, by the way, driving a Prius
doesn't make you Jesus Christ.
436
00:18:41,421 --> 00:18:43,156
Oh, wait, you don't believe
in Jesus Christ,
437
00:18:43,223 --> 00:18:44,400
or any religion for that matter,
438
00:18:44,424 --> 00:18:45,958
because "religion is
for idiots."
439
00:18:46,025 --> 00:18:48,060
Well, who the hell are you
to talk down to anyone?
440
00:18:48,127 --> 00:18:49,562
You failed college twice.
441
00:18:49,629 --> 00:18:51,640
Which isn't nearly as bad
as your failure as a father.
442
00:18:51,664 --> 00:18:53,300
How's that son of yours
you never see?
443
00:18:53,366 --> 00:18:55,302
But you know what?
I could forgive all of that,
444
00:18:55,368 --> 00:18:58,305
all of it,
if you weren't such a bore.
445
00:18:58,371 --> 00:18:59,571
That's the worst of it, Brian.
446
00:18:59,606 --> 00:19:03,510
You're just a big, sad,
alcoholic bore.
447
00:19:05,144 --> 00:19:06,313
Well, see ya, Brian.
448
00:19:06,379 --> 00:19:08,248
Thanks for the
steak.
449
00:19:12,219 --> 00:19:13,553
Boy, it sure is nice
450
00:19:13,620 --> 00:19:15,588
having our house
to ourselves again, huh?
451
00:19:15,655 --> 00:19:17,590
Lois?
452
00:19:17,657 --> 00:19:20,793
Peter, sometimes you just make
me sick to my stomach.
453
00:19:20,860 --> 00:19:23,496
Look, I know you think
Jerome was a good guy, but...
454
00:19:23,563 --> 00:19:25,398
No, he was
a good guy, Peter.
455
00:19:25,465 --> 00:19:26,733
And I'm gonna
prove it to you.
456
00:19:26,799 --> 00:19:29,669
And you're gonna feel
like a real jackass.
457
00:19:29,736 --> 00:19:31,003
What's that?
458
00:19:31,070 --> 00:19:32,872
It's a gift.
For you.
459
00:19:32,939 --> 00:19:34,807
You don't deserve it,
but if anything,
460
00:19:34,874 --> 00:19:36,343
it's gonna wake you up
a little bit.
461
00:19:36,409 --> 00:19:38,211
Jerome got you this
as a thank you
462
00:19:38,278 --> 00:19:40,580
for letting him stay here.
463
00:19:40,647 --> 00:19:43,616
It's an actual prop
from Family Ties.
464
00:19:43,683 --> 00:19:47,287
This is... this is one
of Nick's garbage sculptures.
465
00:19:47,354 --> 00:19:49,356
Yeah. Pretty thoughtful,
isn't it?
466
00:19:49,422 --> 00:19:52,425
Oh, boy, do I feel like
a jackass.
467
00:19:52,492 --> 00:19:54,594
Lois, I'm sorry.
I just...
468
00:19:54,661 --> 00:19:57,129
I let my jealousy
get the best of me.
469
00:19:57,196 --> 00:19:58,931
Jerome's such
a cool guy and I,
470
00:19:58,998 --> 00:20:00,476
I guess I was worried
he was cool enough
471
00:20:00,500 --> 00:20:01,934
to steal you away from me.
472
00:20:02,001 --> 00:20:04,304
You should know better
than that, Peter.
473
00:20:04,371 --> 00:20:06,406
Now, I think you have
an apology to make.
474
00:20:16,416 --> 00:20:19,719
Hey, you look like
you could use a pal.
475
00:20:19,786 --> 00:20:21,521
Oh. Hi, Peter.
476
00:20:21,588 --> 00:20:24,457
Look, I'm sorry
about how I acted.
477
00:20:24,524 --> 00:20:25,758
It's just...
478
00:20:25,825 --> 00:20:27,294
Lois means
everything to me.
479
00:20:27,360 --> 00:20:28,628
And when I saw
you together,
480
00:20:28,695 --> 00:20:30,397
I-I didn't know what
was gonna happen.
481
00:20:30,463 --> 00:20:32,565
I just thought you might
try to mount her
482
00:20:32,632 --> 00:20:34,334
or whatever it is
you guys do.
483
00:20:34,401 --> 00:20:36,669
Peter, how could you
even think that?
484
00:20:36,736 --> 00:20:39,105
I would never do
anything like that to you.
485
00:20:39,171 --> 00:20:41,040
You were my boy.
We were like family.
486
00:20:41,107 --> 00:20:42,709
Yeah, I know.
487
00:20:42,775 --> 00:20:44,210
I messed up bad.
488
00:20:44,277 --> 00:20:45,712
I'm really sorry, Jerome.
489
00:20:48,315 --> 00:20:50,650
We cool, Peter. We cool.
490
00:20:50,717 --> 00:20:53,486
But, listen, there is
something I got to fess up to.
491
00:20:53,553 --> 00:20:55,388
While I was living
with y'all,
492
00:20:55,455 --> 00:20:58,391
I had myself lots of
nasty ass sex with Meg.
493
00:20:58,458 --> 00:21:00,527
I don't care about that.
494
00:21:06,566 --> 00:21:08,067
Hey, Brian, how'd it go?
495
00:21:08,134 --> 00:21:09,302
Fine.
496
00:21:09,369 --> 00:21:10,770
Wha... have you been crying?
497
00:21:10,837 --> 00:21:11,838
What happened?
498
00:21:11,904 --> 00:21:14,140
It didn't work.
He still hates me.
499
00:21:14,206 --> 00:21:15,308
You want to know something?
500
00:21:15,375 --> 00:21:16,743
That's okay.
501
00:21:16,809 --> 00:21:18,311
You don't need Quagmire
to like you.
502
00:21:18,378 --> 00:21:22,515
You only need one person to like
you and that person is you.
503
00:21:22,582 --> 00:21:24,917
And I'll tell you something
else, I like you.
504
00:21:24,984 --> 00:21:26,386
Thanks.
505
00:21:26,453 --> 00:21:28,120
You want to sleep
in my room?
506
00:21:28,187 --> 00:21:29,489
Yeah, that'd be nice.
507
00:21:31,458 --> 00:21:32,892
Good night, Brian.
508
00:21:32,959 --> 00:21:33,993
Good night, Stewie.
509
00:21:38,465 --> 00:21:42,001
Oh, come on, man.37943
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