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1
00:00:01,469 --> 00:00:04,405
It seems today
that all you see.
2
00:00:04,472 --> 00:00:07,975
Is violence in movies
and sex on TV.
3
00:00:08,042 --> 00:00:11,445
But where are those
good old-fashioned values.
4
00:00:11,512 --> 00:00:14,382
On which we used to rely?
5
00:00:14,448 --> 00:00:17,751
Lucky there's a family guy.
6
00:00:17,818 --> 00:00:21,389
Lucky there's a man
who positively can do.
7
00:00:21,455 --> 00:00:23,057
All the things that make us.
8
00:00:23,124 --> 00:00:24,792
Laugh and cry.
9
00:00:24,858 --> 00:00:30,098
He's... a...
Fam... ily... Guy!
10
00:00:34,268 --> 00:00:37,205
Oh, one minute to opening,
everybody!
11
00:00:37,271 --> 00:00:39,640
Why are they selling
all those DVDs so cheap?
12
00:00:39,707 --> 00:00:42,310
Because, Chris,
DVDs are outdated and obsolete.
13
00:00:42,376 --> 00:00:44,178
Like white track stars.
14
00:00:44,245 --> 00:00:45,979
On your marks,
get set.
15
00:00:46,046 --> 00:00:47,415
White guys, go!
16
00:00:47,481 --> 00:00:49,049
I have high hopes
for this.
17
00:00:49,117 --> 00:00:51,085
I had a Clif bar
before we started.
18
00:00:51,152 --> 00:00:52,386
Everybody else!
19
00:00:54,688 --> 00:00:56,590
Phew. I thought
they were coming after us.
20
00:00:56,657 --> 00:00:58,759
All right, everyone,
all DVDs are a dollar,
21
00:00:58,826 --> 00:00:59,993
and everything must go!
22
00:01:00,060 --> 00:01:01,129
Come on in!
23
00:01:02,930 --> 00:01:04,698
Please be here.
Please be here.
24
00:01:04,765 --> 00:01:08,269
Oh, sweet mother of God,
there you are!
25
00:01:10,338 --> 00:01:12,005
I'll watch you
with the lights off.
26
00:01:13,707 --> 00:01:15,243
Like I would dare.
27
00:01:15,309 --> 00:01:17,211
You're getting
Dan In Real Life?
28
00:01:17,278 --> 00:01:18,612
What? I heard
it's good.
29
00:01:18,679 --> 00:01:19,613
No, I get it.
30
00:01:19,680 --> 00:01:21,549
He's resting his head
on pancakes.
31
00:01:21,615 --> 00:01:22,950
It looks hilarious.
32
00:01:23,016 --> 00:01:24,385
The joke,
of course, being
33
00:01:24,452 --> 00:01:26,487
that one wouldn't
generally do that
34
00:01:26,554 --> 00:01:30,158
were there
a pillow available.
35
00:01:31,259 --> 00:01:33,627
Oh, my God, Road House!
36
00:01:33,694 --> 00:01:34,694
I want to buy this!
37
00:01:34,728 --> 00:01:36,664
Great, and as a
bonus, I'll throw in.
38
00:01:36,730 --> 00:01:38,799
What Dreams May Come
with Robin Williams.
39
00:01:38,866 --> 00:01:40,033
No, thank you.
No charge.
40
00:01:40,100 --> 00:01:41,302
I do not want it.
41
00:01:41,369 --> 00:01:42,770
But it's free, sir.
42
00:01:42,836 --> 00:01:46,307
If that DVD even touches
Road House, I will kill you.
43
00:01:46,374 --> 00:01:47,808
Don't worry.
44
00:01:47,875 --> 00:01:49,277
Someday someone will come
45
00:01:49,343 --> 00:01:51,445
and take you home
for their very own.
46
00:01:51,512 --> 00:01:55,416
Maybe far away.
47
00:01:55,483 --> 00:02:01,389
Or maybe real nearby.
48
00:02:01,455 --> 00:02:06,327
He may be pouring
her coffee.
49
00:02:06,394 --> 00:02:11,332
She may be
straightening his tie.
50
00:02:19,873 --> 00:02:21,475
Help! Somebody!
51
00:02:21,542 --> 00:02:23,244
These drunk, redneck truckers
are trying
52
00:02:23,311 --> 00:02:24,812
to have their way with me!
53
00:02:24,878 --> 00:02:28,048
Not while my scrotum is pressed
up against my stomach
54
00:02:28,115 --> 00:02:29,783
in these jeans, they won't.
55
00:02:42,330 --> 00:02:43,831
Road House.
56
00:02:43,897 --> 00:02:45,299
That was awesome.
57
00:02:45,366 --> 00:02:46,734
And its message
is timeless.
58
00:02:46,800 --> 00:02:48,736
Peter, the only message
in that movie is
59
00:02:48,802 --> 00:02:51,205
that every problem in life
can be solved by kicking.
60
00:02:51,272 --> 00:02:52,873
Oh, my God.
61
00:02:52,940 --> 00:02:54,275
Brian, you're right.
62
00:02:54,342 --> 00:02:55,476
Peter, I'm joking.
63
00:02:55,543 --> 00:02:56,944
What did you say to me?
64
00:02:57,010 --> 00:02:58,279
Peter, what are you doing?
65
00:02:58,346 --> 00:02:59,913
Get off my plane.
66
00:02:59,980 --> 00:03:00,990
That's not even the same...
67
00:03:01,014 --> 00:03:02,483
Oh! What the hell?!
68
00:03:02,550 --> 00:03:04,885
Not gonna talk to me
like that in my bar.
69
00:03:04,952 --> 00:03:06,787
It's not a bar. Oh!
70
00:03:14,795 --> 00:03:16,664
Oh, that's right.
71
00:03:16,730 --> 00:03:17,931
Cleveland moved.
72
00:03:19,600 --> 00:03:20,834
Here's your
burger, sir.
73
00:03:20,901 --> 00:03:22,436
Thank you.
74
00:03:22,503 --> 00:03:24,272
Sir, I need
another $1.25.
75
00:03:24,338 --> 00:03:25,673
Is that right?
76
00:03:27,808 --> 00:03:29,410
Keep the change.
77
00:03:29,477 --> 00:03:30,944
Road House.
78
00:03:34,648 --> 00:03:37,918
Okay, that is the last time
you are gonna pull that crap.
79
00:03:37,985 --> 00:03:39,453
You hear me?!
80
00:03:39,520 --> 00:03:40,854
Yes.
Do you hear me?!
81
00:03:41,922 --> 00:03:43,190
Yes.
82
00:03:44,692 --> 00:03:46,760
Now, you are gonna hold
down that football
83
00:03:46,827 --> 00:03:48,128
until Charlie
Brown kicks it.
84
00:03:48,195 --> 00:03:49,263
You got that?
85
00:03:49,330 --> 00:03:50,731
Yes.
86
00:03:50,798 --> 00:03:52,600
Go ahead, Charlie.
87
00:03:54,167 --> 00:03:55,336
Yay!
88
00:03:55,403 --> 00:03:56,637
And you know
what else?
89
00:03:56,704 --> 00:03:57,805
I did some
checking around.
90
00:03:57,871 --> 00:04:01,174
You're not a
licensed therapist.
91
00:04:01,241 --> 00:04:02,843
Road House.
92
00:04:06,480 --> 00:04:08,582
You know, it's
still early, Peter.
93
00:04:08,649 --> 00:04:11,285
What do you say we horse
around a little, huh?
94
00:04:11,352 --> 00:04:13,354
I think I can get
on board with that.
95
00:04:18,859 --> 00:04:20,027
Road House.
96
00:04:20,093 --> 00:04:22,330
Peter, for God's sakes,
if you're gonna do that,
97
00:04:22,396 --> 00:04:23,864
at least aim
for my breasts.
98
00:04:25,065 --> 00:04:26,166
Oh, yeah.
99
00:04:27,435 --> 00:04:29,437
Road House.
100
00:04:32,606 --> 00:04:36,009
Peter, I don't think you should
be driving with your feet.
101
00:04:36,076 --> 00:04:38,379
Road House. Wait. Why you
taking the back way home?
102
00:04:38,446 --> 00:04:39,513
There are so many turns.
103
00:04:39,580 --> 00:04:41,415
Road House.
104
00:04:41,482 --> 00:04:43,250
Road House.
105
00:04:43,317 --> 00:04:45,319
Road House.
106
00:04:45,386 --> 00:04:46,754
Road House.
107
00:04:46,820 --> 00:04:49,490
Road Hou... Roa... Road...
108
00:04:49,557 --> 00:04:50,758
Road Hou... Roa... Roa...
109
00:04:50,824 --> 00:04:53,026
Road Hou... Road Hou... Road...
110
00:04:53,093 --> 00:04:54,294
Roa... Road...
111
00:04:54,362 --> 00:04:55,496
Road House.
112
00:04:56,497 --> 00:04:58,265
Road House.
113
00:04:58,332 --> 00:04:59,967
Oh, my God!
114
00:05:00,033 --> 00:05:00,968
Are you all right?
115
00:05:01,034 --> 00:05:02,370
Yeah, I'm fine.
116
00:05:02,436 --> 00:05:04,672
Sorry. I wasn't really looking
where I was going.
117
00:05:04,738 --> 00:05:06,640
Probably a little
blame on our side, too.
118
00:05:06,707 --> 00:05:07,875
Road House?
119
00:05:07,941 --> 00:05:10,310
Well, I guess we're just
lucky nobody got hurt.
120
00:05:10,378 --> 00:05:11,712
Yeah, yeah, I agree.
121
00:05:11,779 --> 00:05:14,448
But, uh, you know, I sort of
have one other problem.
122
00:05:14,515 --> 00:05:16,249
Maybe you can help
me out. What's that?
123
00:05:16,316 --> 00:05:18,986
I have a dinner reservation
for two tonight at Dominick's,
124
00:05:19,052 --> 00:05:19,987
and it's just me.
125
00:05:20,053 --> 00:05:21,321
I see your problem.
126
00:05:21,389 --> 00:05:23,190
I think I might
be able to help.
127
00:05:23,256 --> 00:05:25,893
Ma'am, you want me to kick
those dents out for you?
128
00:05:25,959 --> 00:05:27,799
Peter, we've had complaints
from all over town.
129
00:05:27,861 --> 00:05:29,663
You're gonna have to
stop with the kicking.
130
00:05:29,730 --> 00:05:31,465
Oh, yeah? I think my scary,
131
00:05:31,532 --> 00:05:33,767
otherworldly,
shadowy, spirit friends
132
00:05:33,834 --> 00:05:35,903
might have something
to say about that.
133
00:05:42,275 --> 00:05:44,077
Ghost.
134
00:05:51,351 --> 00:05:52,420
Can I help you?
135
00:05:52,486 --> 00:05:53,621
Hi. I'm Brian,
136
00:05:53,687 --> 00:05:55,355
and I'm here
to pick up Nicole.
137
00:05:55,423 --> 00:05:56,957
Oh, hi. I'm Rita, her mom.
138
00:05:57,024 --> 00:06:00,193
You must be the one
she had that fender bender with.
139
00:06:00,260 --> 00:06:01,270
Well, I got to meet Nicole,
140
00:06:01,294 --> 00:06:03,263
so I prefer to think of it
as a happy accident.
141
00:06:03,330 --> 00:06:04,364
Is she ready?
142
00:06:05,599 --> 00:06:07,300
Well, unfortunately,
143
00:06:07,367 --> 00:06:09,169
she left for dinner
with another guy
144
00:06:09,236 --> 00:06:10,871
about half an hour ago.
145
00:06:10,938 --> 00:06:12,072
What?! We had a date.
146
00:06:12,139 --> 00:06:13,574
Yeah, I'm afraid
that's Nicole.
147
00:06:13,641 --> 00:06:15,443
She's 21 and gorgeous.
148
00:06:15,509 --> 00:06:18,912
Guys ask her out all the time,
and I-I think she loses track.
149
00:06:18,979 --> 00:06:20,213
Oh, for God's sake.
150
00:06:20,280 --> 00:06:21,582
Well, let me at least
151
00:06:21,649 --> 00:06:25,252
leave my car insurance
information for her.
152
00:06:25,318 --> 00:06:27,955
Is that...
your condom?
153
00:06:28,021 --> 00:06:29,156
No! I... I mean,
154
00:06:29,222 --> 00:06:31,134
I mean, I-I-I wasn't gonna
use that on your daughter.
155
00:06:31,158 --> 00:06:32,860
I mean, I-I-I wouldn't...
I would not...
156
00:06:32,926 --> 00:06:34,895
I would not use a condom
on your daughter.
157
00:06:34,962 --> 00:06:37,531
I mean, I-I-I would,
if I was having sex with her,
158
00:06:37,598 --> 00:06:38,866
which obviously,
I would not do.
159
00:06:38,932 --> 00:06:41,101
But if... if... I mean,
I'm safe and all, you know.
160
00:06:41,168 --> 00:06:43,471
I-I get an AIDS test
once every three months.
161
00:06:43,537 --> 00:06:44,714
And-and-and not
because I... I...
162
00:06:44,738 --> 00:06:47,140
You know, it's not
because I have a lot of sex.
163
00:06:47,207 --> 00:06:49,843
I just... I just eat a lot
of poo off the street.
164
00:06:49,910 --> 00:06:52,279
Come to think of it,
how did this get
165
00:06:52,345 --> 00:06:53,814
in my wallet
in the first place?
166
00:06:53,881 --> 00:06:55,883
"Dear Brian,
167
00:06:55,949 --> 00:06:57,661
"somewhere between the point
when you're excited enough
168
00:06:57,685 --> 00:06:59,252
"to want it
and too excited to care,
169
00:06:59,319 --> 00:07:00,654
"think about your future.
170
00:07:00,721 --> 00:07:02,723
Your friend, Stewie."
171
00:07:02,790 --> 00:07:04,267
Well, I think
I've been humiliated enough
172
00:07:04,291 --> 00:07:05,358
for one evening.
173
00:07:05,425 --> 00:07:06,794
Sorry to bother you.
174
00:07:06,860 --> 00:07:09,329
If it's any consolation,
I would never have stood you up.
175
00:07:09,396 --> 00:07:12,299
Well, I guess that makes you
one of the rare ones nowadays.
176
00:07:12,365 --> 00:07:13,467
Your husband's a lucky guy.
177
00:07:13,534 --> 00:07:14,802
Divorced.
178
00:07:16,269 --> 00:07:18,672
Well, at the risk of
humiliating myself once again,
179
00:07:18,739 --> 00:07:20,340
I still have a reservation.
180
00:07:20,407 --> 00:07:21,542
Well, I don't
have plans.
181
00:07:21,609 --> 00:07:22,843
Well, terrific.
182
00:07:22,910 --> 00:07:25,178
Hey, maybe I'll get
to use this after all, huh?
183
00:07:25,245 --> 00:07:26,514
I'm-I'm just... I'm kidding.
184
00:07:26,580 --> 00:07:27,915
Oh, please.
185
00:07:27,981 --> 00:07:30,317
At my age, I don't have
to worry about pregnancy.
186
00:07:31,519 --> 00:07:32,853
How old are ya?
187
00:07:32,920 --> 00:07:34,555
Oh, you don't
want to know!
188
00:07:34,622 --> 00:07:36,490
I kind of do.
189
00:07:36,557 --> 00:07:39,092
Hang on. Just let me get
my purse, and we can go.
190
00:07:39,159 --> 00:07:40,861
Wow. She seems great.
191
00:07:40,928 --> 00:07:43,463
We're getting along better than
Whitney Houston and Bobby Brown.
192
00:07:44,565 --> 00:07:46,333
You want to smoke some crack?
193
00:07:49,136 --> 00:07:50,504
I love you.
194
00:07:50,571 --> 00:07:52,205
Get the crack!
195
00:07:54,975 --> 00:07:57,377
Brian, you want
some lasagna?
196
00:07:57,444 --> 00:07:59,813
Oh, no, thanks. Rita and
I grabbed a bite already.
197
00:07:59,880 --> 00:08:01,949
Gosh, you've been seeing
this Rita for weeks now,
198
00:08:02,015 --> 00:08:04,027
and you still haven't
brought her over to the house.
199
00:08:04,051 --> 00:08:08,321
When are we gonna meet
the lovely lady, huh?
200
00:08:08,388 --> 00:08:10,257
Oh, she's being ironic.
201
00:08:10,323 --> 00:08:11,901
What are you saying,
I don't date lovely women?
202
00:08:11,925 --> 00:08:13,260
Yeah, you got it.
You got it.
203
00:08:13,326 --> 00:08:15,863
No, it just seems like some
of your past girlfriends
204
00:08:15,929 --> 00:08:18,365
have been a little
dumb and trampy.
205
00:08:18,431 --> 00:08:19,667
First of all, that's not true,
206
00:08:19,733 --> 00:08:21,244
and second of all,
she's not like that.
207
00:08:21,268 --> 00:08:23,937
She's wonderful,
she's smart, she's pretty.
208
00:08:24,004 --> 00:08:26,049
And, you know, the only reason
I haven't brought her around
209
00:08:26,073 --> 00:08:27,917
is that you guys don't always
make the best impression
210
00:08:27,941 --> 00:08:30,210
with girls I date...
Especially Peter.
211
00:08:30,277 --> 00:08:32,221
Hey, aren't you that chick
from the bathroom door?
212
00:08:32,245 --> 00:08:34,381
Come on, Peter. She doesn't
want to talk about work.
213
00:08:34,447 --> 00:08:35,916
What's it like in there?
214
00:08:35,983 --> 00:08:38,151
I assume it's like how
it is in the men's room.
215
00:08:38,218 --> 00:08:40,754
Oh, there's a long trough
with a big poo in it?
216
00:08:46,894 --> 00:08:49,429
You know, Brian, the past
few weeks have been great.
217
00:08:49,496 --> 00:08:50,964
I can't remember
the last time
218
00:08:51,031 --> 00:08:53,233
I've had this much fun
dating somebody.
219
00:08:53,300 --> 00:08:55,669
I can remember the last
time I have: Never.
220
00:08:57,070 --> 00:08:59,072
That's the writer
in you, Brian.
221
00:08:59,139 --> 00:09:01,474
Did you always know that's
what you wanted to do?
222
00:09:01,541 --> 00:09:02,976
Well, actually, I really thought
223
00:09:03,043 --> 00:09:04,812
I was going to be
an actor at one point.
224
00:09:04,878 --> 00:09:06,680
I even got
a few high profile gigs.
225
00:09:06,747 --> 00:09:08,248
Really? Anything I've seen?
226
00:09:08,315 --> 00:09:10,718
Oh, you ever heard of a tiny,
little independent movie
227
00:09:10,784 --> 00:09:12,385
called Die Hard?
228
00:09:12,452 --> 00:09:14,755
Wow! You were in that?
Sure was.
229
00:09:14,822 --> 00:09:17,400
Hey, what do you say we go back
to my place, and I'll show it to you?
230
00:09:17,424 --> 00:09:18,892
Sounds good to me.
231
00:09:21,995 --> 00:09:24,064
We'll have to be a little
quiet; Everyone's asleep.
232
00:09:24,131 --> 00:09:25,766
Have a seat.
233
00:09:25,833 --> 00:09:27,100
Okay, watch this.
234
00:09:27,167 --> 00:09:28,702
This is my scene.
235
00:09:28,769 --> 00:09:30,237
Doesn't make sense, man.
236
00:09:30,303 --> 00:09:32,305
Hey, don't ask me, man.
237
00:09:32,372 --> 00:09:35,375
I'm just a desk jockey who was
on my way home when you rang.
238
00:09:35,442 --> 00:09:36,977
The way you drove that car,
239
00:09:37,044 --> 00:09:38,812
I figured you
for the street, Al.
240
00:09:38,879 --> 00:09:40,914
In my youth.
In my youth.
241
00:09:40,981 --> 00:09:42,449
Okay, here it comes.
Watch, watch.
242
00:09:42,515 --> 00:09:44,918
...we've had situations
where the hostages
243
00:09:44,985 --> 00:09:47,254
have embraced their captors
after their release,
244
00:09:47,320 --> 00:09:49,857
and even corresponded
with them in prison.
245
00:09:49,923 --> 00:09:52,325
No, no, no, darling.
Asian Dawn.
246
00:09:52,392 --> 00:09:55,295
Dawn, D-A-W-N.
247
00:09:55,362 --> 00:09:56,362
Sir?
248
00:09:56,396 --> 00:09:57,396
I... Yeah?
249
00:09:57,430 --> 00:09:58,832
Sir, the FBI is here.
250
00:09:58,899 --> 00:10:00,934
Hold...
The FBI is here now?
251
00:10:01,001 --> 00:10:02,335
Yes, sir.
Right over there.
252
00:10:02,402 --> 00:10:04,371
Hold this.
253
00:10:04,437 --> 00:10:05,639
Want a breath mint?
254
00:10:07,274 --> 00:10:08,441
Breath mint.
255
00:10:08,508 --> 00:10:09,843
I ad-libbed that line.
256
00:10:09,910 --> 00:10:13,246
Well, I had no idea
I was dating a famous actor.
257
00:10:18,451 --> 00:10:20,087
Should we go upstairs?
258
00:10:20,153 --> 00:10:21,889
Sounds good to me.
259
00:10:44,544 --> 00:10:47,715
That's right, Shia,
give me all you got.
260
00:10:53,653 --> 00:10:55,155
Okay, the coast is clear.
261
00:10:56,389 --> 00:10:58,358
Oh. Good morning.
262
00:10:58,425 --> 00:11:00,193
Oh, uh, hey, Lois.
263
00:11:00,260 --> 00:11:01,962
Who's, uh,
who's your friend?
264
00:11:02,029 --> 00:11:04,264
Uh, Rita, this is Lois.
265
00:11:04,331 --> 00:11:05,331
Lois, Rita.
266
00:11:05,365 --> 00:11:06,767
So great
to meet you.
267
00:11:06,834 --> 00:11:08,035
Lovely to
meet you.
268
00:11:08,101 --> 00:11:09,301
Perfect, everyone hits it off.
269
00:11:09,336 --> 00:11:10,880
Listen, Rita, why don't you wait
in the car,
270
00:11:10,904 --> 00:11:12,873
I'll be out in a minute.
Okay, sweetie.
271
00:11:13,941 --> 00:11:15,175
Well, you met her.
272
00:11:15,242 --> 00:11:16,242
What do you think?
273
00:11:18,145 --> 00:11:20,247
What?
What do I think?
274
00:11:20,313 --> 00:11:21,982
She's a hundred!
275
00:11:22,049 --> 00:11:23,316
Oh, my God!
276
00:11:23,383 --> 00:11:24,718
Peter, did you see her?
277
00:11:24,785 --> 00:11:25,786
I'm looking at her now!
278
00:11:25,853 --> 00:11:27,230
I can see her
from the window up here!
279
00:11:27,254 --> 00:11:29,289
Hey, anybody make
a Jessica Tandy joke yet?
280
00:11:29,356 --> 00:11:30,190
No!
281
00:11:30,257 --> 00:11:31,624
Awesome!
I'll be right down!
282
00:11:31,691 --> 00:11:33,093
Hey, Brian,
who are you dating,
283
00:11:33,160 --> 00:11:34,995
Jessica Tandy?
Son of a bitch.
284
00:11:35,062 --> 00:11:37,865
Damn it, Chris, I called
that from upstairs!
285
00:11:37,931 --> 00:11:38,766
What are you guys
talking about?
286
00:11:38,832 --> 00:11:40,267
She's a beautiful woman.
287
00:11:40,333 --> 00:11:42,211
You know, Lois, you of all
people should be pleased.
288
00:11:42,235 --> 00:11:44,247
I mean, all the crap I take
for dating young bimbos.
289
00:11:44,271 --> 00:11:46,840
How old is she, Brian?
290
00:11:46,907 --> 00:11:48,151
Wha-What difference
does it make?
291
00:11:48,175 --> 00:11:49,777
Age has nothing to
do with anything.
292
00:11:49,843 --> 00:11:50,844
Okay, you know what?
293
00:11:50,911 --> 00:11:52,045
I'll bring her
to dinner,
294
00:11:52,112 --> 00:11:54,247
and you can see for yourself
what a bright, fun,
295
00:11:54,314 --> 00:11:56,249
and charming woman
she is. Wonderful.
296
00:11:56,316 --> 00:11:58,919
I'll cook something
that's not too binding.
297
00:12:02,289 --> 00:12:04,892
Well, Rita, I'm so glad
you could join us for dinner.
298
00:12:04,958 --> 00:12:06,293
Oh, thanks
for having me, Lois.
299
00:12:06,359 --> 00:12:07,795
This food is delicious.
300
00:12:07,861 --> 00:12:08,962
Oh, thank you.
301
00:12:09,029 --> 00:12:10,697
I'm so glad
you can taste it.
302
00:12:10,764 --> 00:12:12,341
Hey, you know what
we haven't done for a while?
303
00:12:12,365 --> 00:12:13,466
Go around the table,
304
00:12:13,533 --> 00:12:15,178
and everybody says
what year they were born.
305
00:12:15,202 --> 00:12:16,870
Uh, so, kids, how
was your day?
306
00:12:16,937 --> 00:12:18,872
Well, the sandbox...
It was great!
307
00:12:18,939 --> 00:12:19,949
Uh, guess he's
going first.
308
00:12:19,973 --> 00:12:23,043
We got a new pencil sharpener
in math class!
309
00:12:23,110 --> 00:12:24,211
Well, that's nice.
310
00:12:24,277 --> 00:12:26,279
Say, Rita, who was president
when you were born?
311
00:12:26,346 --> 00:12:28,248
Great pot roast, Lois.
Thank you, Brian.
312
00:12:28,315 --> 00:12:30,150
Rita, would you like
me to cut yours up
313
00:12:30,217 --> 00:12:31,718
a little smaller?
Oh, I'm fine.
314
00:12:31,785 --> 00:12:32,953
Boy, speaking of that,
315
00:12:33,020 --> 00:12:34,900
I don't know how many people
have asked me today
316
00:12:34,955 --> 00:12:36,957
where I was when Martin
Luther King was shot.
317
00:12:37,024 --> 00:12:38,125
I'm sure you've been asked.
318
00:12:38,191 --> 00:12:40,160
What do you tell them?
Ugh, who can forget?
319
00:12:40,227 --> 00:12:43,263
I remember just
crying like a baby.
320
00:12:43,330 --> 00:12:44,764
Crying like a baby,
321
00:12:44,832 --> 00:12:47,300
or crying like someone
in college?
322
00:12:47,367 --> 00:12:49,202
Say, Brian, on her
answering machine,
323
00:12:49,269 --> 00:12:51,171
how long after her
message is the beep?
324
00:12:51,238 --> 00:12:52,873
Wow, this has just
been a delight.
325
00:12:52,940 --> 00:12:53,974
Oh, you can't go yet.
326
00:12:54,041 --> 00:12:55,608
We haven't had dessert.
327
00:12:55,675 --> 00:12:56,986
Interesting.
You know, the first time
328
00:12:57,010 --> 00:12:59,847
I had dessert was
36 years ago today.
329
00:12:59,913 --> 00:13:01,724
How about you, Rita, you
remember your first dessert?
330
00:13:01,748 --> 00:13:02,782
Oh, Lord, no.
331
00:13:02,850 --> 00:13:04,317
It was so many
years ago.
332
00:13:04,384 --> 00:13:05,318
Like 40 years ago?
333
00:13:05,385 --> 00:13:07,354
Peter. What were
stagecoaches like?
334
00:13:07,420 --> 00:13:09,456
50 years ago?
Would that be a good guess?
335
00:13:09,522 --> 00:13:10,924
Oh, dear.
Peter!
336
00:13:10,991 --> 00:13:12,725
How old are you?!
How old are you?!
337
00:13:12,792 --> 00:13:14,194
Fifty! Okay!
338
00:13:14,261 --> 00:13:15,528
I'm 50!
339
00:13:15,595 --> 00:13:17,865
Happy now?!
340
00:13:19,632 --> 00:13:21,168
You people
are awful!
341
00:13:21,234 --> 00:13:23,403
You know, this is what's wrong
with society!
342
00:13:23,470 --> 00:13:25,973
Nobody bats an eye
if a woman dates an older man,
343
00:13:26,039 --> 00:13:27,975
but God forbid
it's the other way around!
344
00:13:28,041 --> 00:13:30,177
There is nothing wrong
with me dating Rita!
345
00:13:30,243 --> 00:13:32,445
She's beautiful,
she's a charming woman,
346
00:13:32,512 --> 00:13:34,281
and I love her!
347
00:13:43,857 --> 00:13:45,792
Rita...
Oh, Brian,
348
00:13:45,859 --> 00:13:47,427
please leave
me alone.
349
00:13:47,494 --> 00:13:49,329
They're right, I'm
just an old fool
350
00:13:49,396 --> 00:13:51,031
thinking we could
be together.
351
00:13:51,098 --> 00:13:52,441
Will you stop that?
They're insane.
352
00:13:52,465 --> 00:13:54,143
They don't know what
they're talking about.
353
00:13:54,167 --> 00:13:56,103
You're an amazing woman.
354
00:13:56,169 --> 00:13:58,038
Oh, you're just
saying that.
355
00:13:58,105 --> 00:13:59,672
No, I'm not.
356
00:13:59,739 --> 00:14:02,775
The only thing that matters
is how I feel about you.
357
00:14:02,842 --> 00:14:05,278
Rita... I love you.
358
00:14:05,345 --> 00:14:07,114
I love you,
too, Brian.
359
00:14:07,180 --> 00:14:08,781
I think you're the most
wonderful woman
360
00:14:08,848 --> 00:14:10,884
I've ever met.
361
00:14:10,951 --> 00:14:12,652
Will you marry me?
362
00:14:12,719 --> 00:14:13,987
What did you just say?
363
00:14:14,054 --> 00:14:15,788
Come on, you're only 50,
you heard me.
364
00:14:15,855 --> 00:14:17,724
Will you marry me?
Oh, Brian.
365
00:14:17,790 --> 00:14:19,292
Yes.
366
00:14:19,359 --> 00:14:21,328
Yes, Brian,
I'll marry you!
367
00:14:23,530 --> 00:14:25,032
Hey, Mom.
Hey, Brian.
368
00:14:25,098 --> 00:14:26,099
We'll be upstairs.
369
00:14:26,166 --> 00:14:27,767
Yo, Rita,
you want in on this?
370
00:14:27,834 --> 00:14:28,835
No, thanks.
371
00:14:28,902 --> 00:14:30,270
We just got
engaged!
372
00:14:30,337 --> 00:14:31,939
I'm faithful
to Brian now.
373
00:14:32,005 --> 00:14:33,006
Whatever.
374
00:14:33,073 --> 00:14:35,042
This ain't even
my whole night.
375
00:14:40,480 --> 00:14:42,049
You're engaged?!
376
00:14:42,115 --> 00:14:44,517
Yes. Rita and I are
getting married.
377
00:14:44,584 --> 00:14:47,054
My God, I can't even
react big enough.
378
00:14:47,120 --> 00:14:48,321
Here's Mrs. Garrett.
379
00:14:48,388 --> 00:14:50,057
What?!
380
00:14:50,123 --> 00:14:52,759
Look, if my happiness means
so little to you all that you have.
381
00:14:52,825 --> 00:14:55,195
Charlotte Rae just
standing by to crack a joke,
382
00:14:55,262 --> 00:14:56,463
then you really
disappoint me.
383
00:14:56,529 --> 00:14:58,966
Look, Brian, I apologize
for the other night.
384
00:14:59,032 --> 00:15:00,867
We-we were all
very insensitive.
385
00:15:00,934 --> 00:15:03,070
And if this is
what you want,
386
00:15:03,136 --> 00:15:05,205
we as a family,
support your decision.
387
00:15:05,272 --> 00:15:07,507
I don't.
I'd-I'd rather you marry
388
00:15:07,574 --> 00:15:12,379
a-a-a-a-a-a-a...
a Japanese or something.
389
00:15:12,445 --> 00:15:13,813
I'm with you, too, buddy.
390
00:15:13,880 --> 00:15:15,515
In 20 years, she'll be 70,
391
00:15:15,582 --> 00:15:17,184
and you'll have been dead
for 15 years.
392
00:15:17,250 --> 00:15:18,685
God bless the both of yous.
393
00:15:22,622 --> 00:15:24,224
Hey, it's 4:30.
394
00:15:24,291 --> 00:15:25,825
Isn't there
an early bird special
395
00:15:25,892 --> 00:15:27,094
you should be
running off to?
396
00:15:27,160 --> 00:15:28,996
She's 50, Stewie.
She's not an old woman.
397
00:15:30,463 --> 00:15:32,132
Hello?
Hey, Rita.
398
00:15:33,266 --> 00:15:35,402
Uh, no, I'm not
hungry yet.
399
00:15:36,736 --> 00:15:38,671
Well, if we get
there by 5:30,
400
00:15:38,738 --> 00:15:39,572
I'm sure they'll honor it.
401
00:15:39,639 --> 00:15:41,508
Brian, is she calling
dinner "supper?"
402
00:15:41,574 --> 00:15:43,610
So, what are you doing
this afternoon?
403
00:15:43,676 --> 00:15:46,579
"Oh, I'm just sorting out my
pills for the week, sweetie."
404
00:15:46,646 --> 00:15:48,648
Well, you do that, and
I'll be over a little later.
405
00:15:48,715 --> 00:15:50,283
Huh? Did I get it?
406
00:15:50,350 --> 00:15:52,585
Was she sorting out
her pills for the week?
407
00:15:52,652 --> 00:15:55,522
In that little plastic thing
with the seven boxes? Hmm?
408
00:15:55,588 --> 00:15:57,490
Actually, she just
got back from the gym,
409
00:15:57,557 --> 00:15:59,359
and she's jumping
in the shower.
410
00:15:59,426 --> 00:16:00,860
She got a chair
in that shower?
411
00:16:00,927 --> 00:16:02,062
Shut up!
412
00:16:02,129 --> 00:16:03,963
Have archaeologists
ever discovered
413
00:16:04,031 --> 00:16:06,033
ancient Egyptian
pottery in her vagina?
414
00:16:06,099 --> 00:16:08,701
You know what? That one was too
wordy. That one was too wordy.
415
00:16:08,768 --> 00:16:10,713
That-that was... that was
flawed from the ground up.
416
00:16:10,737 --> 00:16:13,606
It wasn't funny,
and we'll work on it
417
00:16:13,673 --> 00:16:15,308
and get back to you.
418
00:16:19,012 --> 00:16:20,413
- Hey, Rita?
- Yeah?
419
00:16:20,480 --> 00:16:21,524
Where do you keep
your toothpaste?
420
00:16:21,548 --> 00:16:23,550
What are you looking for,
tooth polish?
421
00:16:23,616 --> 00:16:24,617
Toothpaste, yeah.
422
00:16:24,684 --> 00:16:26,086
Just use the baking soda.
423
00:16:26,153 --> 00:16:27,420
"Baking soda"?
424
00:16:27,487 --> 00:16:29,289
Ah, what the hell,
I can skip a night.
425
00:16:29,356 --> 00:16:31,191
Oh, I've never noticed
this picture before.
426
00:16:31,258 --> 00:16:32,801
Is that you when you were
a little girl?
427
00:16:32,825 --> 00:16:35,662
Oh, yeah. That's the summer
my family went to DC.
428
00:16:35,728 --> 00:16:39,232
That, uh, flag's missing
some stars there.
429
00:16:39,299 --> 00:16:41,168
Why don't you
come to bed, Brian?
430
00:16:41,234 --> 00:16:43,603
What do you say we make
a little whoopee?
431
00:16:43,670 --> 00:16:45,004
Yeah, sure.
Why not?
432
00:16:49,076 --> 00:16:50,177
Are you okay?
433
00:16:50,243 --> 00:16:51,478
I'm not hurting
you, am I?
434
00:16:51,544 --> 00:16:52,345
No, I'm fine.
435
00:16:52,412 --> 00:16:53,613
What are you
talking about?
436
00:16:53,680 --> 00:16:55,480
I-I just want to make
sure you're comfortable.
437
00:16:57,784 --> 00:16:59,152
Oh, I love you, Brian!
438
00:16:59,219 --> 00:17:00,653
Sock it to me!
439
00:17:00,720 --> 00:17:01,554
What?!
440
00:17:01,621 --> 00:17:03,590
What's wrong?!
Oh, nothing.
441
00:17:03,656 --> 00:17:04,557
When I'm on my back,
442
00:17:04,624 --> 00:17:07,026
sometimes my breast can
slide in my armpit.
443
00:17:07,094 --> 00:17:08,661
Just got pinched,
that's all.
444
00:17:08,728 --> 00:17:10,197
Okay.
445
00:17:14,601 --> 00:17:16,203
Was that your boob?
God, no!
446
00:17:16,269 --> 00:17:18,305
I, I think I broke my hip!
447
00:17:18,371 --> 00:17:19,582
Oh, my God!
Wh-Wh-Wh-What should I do?
448
00:17:19,606 --> 00:17:21,641
Call the number
on my bracelet!
449
00:17:21,708 --> 00:17:24,544
It says, "Murray Hill,
four, one, eight, five."
450
00:17:24,611 --> 00:17:26,622
That's not enough numbers!
That's the number, Brian!
451
00:17:26,646 --> 00:17:29,249
Just dial zero
and read it to Sarah.
452
00:17:29,316 --> 00:17:30,583
For God's sake, Rita!
453
00:17:33,786 --> 00:17:34,621
She's fine.
454
00:17:34,687 --> 00:17:36,856
She's out of surgery
and she's resting.
455
00:17:36,923 --> 00:17:37,824
Well, how did
she break it?
456
00:17:37,890 --> 00:17:39,126
Did she fall?
457
00:17:39,192 --> 00:17:42,095
Well, uh... she...
Yes, she fell.
458
00:17:42,162 --> 00:17:43,572
Boy, you know, Brian,
a woman her age
459
00:17:43,596 --> 00:17:45,108
comes in here,
they don't always leave.
460
00:17:45,132 --> 00:17:46,499
Peter, she's going
to be okay.
461
00:17:46,566 --> 00:17:48,067
Listen, Brian,
you say the word
462
00:17:48,135 --> 00:17:49,502
and I'll go in there
with a pillow
463
00:17:49,569 --> 00:17:50,979
and you won't have
any more problems.
464
00:17:51,003 --> 00:17:52,348
How many times do I
have to tell you,
465
00:17:52,372 --> 00:17:53,840
I'm sticking by this woman?
466
00:17:53,906 --> 00:17:55,542
I love her.
Careful, Brian.
467
00:17:55,608 --> 00:17:57,844
Sometimes the things you
love can disappoint you.
468
00:17:57,910 --> 00:17:59,179
Like that Playboy issue.
469
00:17:59,246 --> 00:18:00,613
Ah, here we go.
470
00:18:00,680 --> 00:18:02,682
Playboy's
"Women of the Olympics."
471
00:18:02,749 --> 00:18:04,851
Wow, those are some
broad shoulders.
472
00:18:04,917 --> 00:18:08,488
Okay, I guess small boobs
are good for swimming.
473
00:18:08,555 --> 00:18:11,691
That, that...
Those are balls.
474
00:18:15,662 --> 00:18:19,299
Brian?!
Brian?!
475
00:18:19,366 --> 00:18:21,168
Oh. Is the soup ready?
476
00:18:21,234 --> 00:18:22,435
Yeah, got it right here.
477
00:18:22,502 --> 00:18:24,204
Oh, good. I need
to take my pills.
478
00:18:24,271 --> 00:18:26,038
It's been three hours.
479
00:18:26,105 --> 00:18:28,040
You know, they warned me
these blue ones
480
00:18:28,107 --> 00:18:29,976
were going to make
me constipated.
481
00:18:30,042 --> 00:18:31,844
Right they were.
Okay.
482
00:18:31,911 --> 00:18:33,846
I am plugged up.
483
00:18:33,913 --> 00:18:34,913
No, I-I got it.
484
00:18:38,285 --> 00:18:40,687
Do it, Brian.
Do it.
485
00:18:42,054 --> 00:18:43,756
It's me as a pillow.
486
00:18:43,823 --> 00:18:45,292
You know what, Brian?
487
00:18:45,358 --> 00:18:47,460
Oh, I could really use
some milk of magnesia.
488
00:18:47,527 --> 00:18:49,496
Okay, well, I'll go
pick some up.
489
00:18:49,562 --> 00:18:51,531
Thanks, Brian.
I love you.
490
00:18:51,598 --> 00:18:53,433
Oh, and-and if
you're going out,
491
00:18:53,500 --> 00:18:54,934
get some milk of magnesia.
492
00:18:55,001 --> 00:18:56,403
Yeah, you just said that.
493
00:19:06,179 --> 00:19:08,948
I am plugged up.
494
00:19:15,121 --> 00:19:17,490
Wow, you are
really pretty.
495
00:19:17,557 --> 00:19:18,725
Thanks.
496
00:19:18,791 --> 00:19:21,328
You know, uh,
I wrote a book.
497
00:19:21,394 --> 00:19:22,595
What's that?
498
00:19:22,662 --> 00:19:24,130
It's like
a long magazine.
499
00:19:24,197 --> 00:19:26,933
Huh? It's like the Internet
made out of a tree.
500
00:19:26,999 --> 00:19:28,568
Oh. Weird.
501
00:19:28,635 --> 00:19:30,045
You want to have sex
in the bathroom?
502
00:19:30,069 --> 00:19:31,738
Oh, gosh, what a treat.
503
00:19:31,804 --> 00:19:33,906
Yes. Yes, I-I would...
I would like that.
504
00:19:38,745 --> 00:19:41,314
Boy, that took
you a long time.
505
00:19:41,381 --> 00:19:43,250
Did you have to wait
for the streetcar?
506
00:19:43,316 --> 00:19:45,585
Look, Rita, I have
a confession to make.
507
00:19:45,652 --> 00:19:47,954
I met a girl,
I had a couple drinks,
508
00:19:48,020 --> 00:19:49,155
and I slept with her.
509
00:19:49,222 --> 00:19:51,491
You what?
I know, I feel awful.
510
00:19:51,558 --> 00:19:52,925
It was a terrible thing to do.
511
00:19:52,992 --> 00:19:55,328
I'm so sorry.
It'll never happen again.
512
00:19:55,395 --> 00:19:57,063
But there's an upside.
513
00:19:57,129 --> 00:19:59,599
You see, these past few weeks
514
00:19:59,666 --> 00:20:01,501
I've been doubting
whether we're compatible,
515
00:20:01,568 --> 00:20:02,978
you know, because
of the age difference.
516
00:20:03,002 --> 00:20:05,872
But I realized that
that doesn't matter.
517
00:20:05,938 --> 00:20:09,041
That what-what I get from you
is what I always wanted:
518
00:20:09,108 --> 00:20:11,611
A smart, sexy, real person
519
00:20:11,678 --> 00:20:14,947
who I can talk with and share
every piece of me with.
520
00:20:15,014 --> 00:20:17,684
I had a moment of weakness
today, but in a way,
521
00:20:17,750 --> 00:20:19,719
it's all right
because it's taken me to a place
522
00:20:19,786 --> 00:20:22,054
where I now realize that
you're not too old for me.
523
00:20:22,121 --> 00:20:23,523
Isn't that great?
524
00:20:23,590 --> 00:20:25,358
You're not too old for me!
525
00:20:25,425 --> 00:20:26,759
You know what, Brian?
526
00:20:26,826 --> 00:20:28,528
You're not old
enough for me.
527
00:20:28,595 --> 00:20:30,563
What?
You cheated on me.
528
00:20:30,630 --> 00:20:31,964
That's what happened today.
529
00:20:32,031 --> 00:20:34,967
You can rationalize it any
way you want, but to me,
530
00:20:35,034 --> 00:20:37,504
all that shows is that
you're an immature guy
531
00:20:37,570 --> 00:20:39,472
who doesn't realize
what a catch I am.
532
00:20:39,539 --> 00:20:42,041
I'm sorry, Brian,
but you screwed up.
533
00:20:42,108 --> 00:20:43,576
Now, please go.
534
00:20:43,643 --> 00:20:45,445
But, Rita...
Go!
535
00:20:45,512 --> 00:20:48,415
You can leave my apartment
key on the davenport.
536
00:20:49,749 --> 00:20:50,650
Here?
537
00:20:50,717 --> 00:20:52,985
No, the davenport...
The chesterfield.
538
00:20:53,052 --> 00:20:55,388
On this?
539
00:20:55,455 --> 00:20:57,590
No, does that look
like a divan to you?
540
00:20:57,657 --> 00:20:59,459
Here?
541
00:20:59,526 --> 00:21:01,728
Ugh. Leave 'em
on the chifforobe.
542
00:21:01,794 --> 00:21:03,696
- You know what?
- Just take your keys.
543
00:21:03,763 --> 00:21:06,299
I don't know what the
you're talking about.38271
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