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1
00:00:11,212 --> 00:00:14,448
Gathered together from the
cosmic reaches of the universe,
2
00:00:14,515 --> 00:00:17,385
here in this
great Hall of Justice
3
00:00:17,451 --> 00:00:19,953
are the most powerful
forces of good
4
00:00:20,020 --> 00:00:22,090
ever assembled.
5
00:00:25,659 --> 00:00:27,561
Superman.
6
00:00:31,232 --> 00:00:32,766
Batman and Robin.
7
00:00:35,936 --> 00:00:37,471
Wonder Woman.
8
00:00:41,675 --> 00:00:43,744
Aquaman.
9
00:00:45,513 --> 00:00:46,980
And Meg.
10
00:00:47,047 --> 00:00:48,916
Dedicated to truth,
11
00:00:48,982 --> 00:00:51,051
justice, and peace
12
00:00:51,119 --> 00:00:52,586
for all mankind.
13
00:01:00,128 --> 00:01:02,096
Hey, Quagmire,
what do you got there?
14
00:01:02,163 --> 00:01:03,607
It's the new Sports
Illustrated swimsuit issue.
15
00:01:03,631 --> 00:01:05,466
Check it out.
16
00:01:05,533 --> 00:01:07,801
Those swimsuit issues don't
excite me like they used to.
17
00:01:07,868 --> 00:01:09,937
I've been spoiled
by Internet porn.
18
00:01:10,003 --> 00:01:11,205
It's true.
Totally.
19
00:01:11,272 --> 00:01:13,006
What do you mean,
Internet porn?
20
00:01:13,073 --> 00:01:15,409
You, uh, don't know
about Internet porn?
21
00:01:15,476 --> 00:01:17,478
Don't know what? I'm not
really a computer guy.
22
00:01:17,545 --> 00:01:19,913
Quagmire, I would think
you, of all people,
23
00:01:19,980 --> 00:01:21,715
would know about Internet porn.
24
00:01:21,782 --> 00:01:23,660
They've got, like, thousands,
literally millions
25
00:01:23,684 --> 00:01:25,719
of naked pictures
on the Internet.
26
00:01:25,786 --> 00:01:27,221
What?
27
00:01:27,288 --> 00:01:29,157
And videos... thousands of them.
28
00:01:29,223 --> 00:01:30,491
You guys are
messing with me.
29
00:01:30,558 --> 00:01:31,668
Quagmire, you don't use
the Internet?
30
00:01:31,692 --> 00:01:33,761
You mean that crappy
dial-up thing
31
00:01:33,827 --> 00:01:36,072
that's a pain in the ass? No,
I don't use the damn Internet.
32
00:01:36,096 --> 00:01:37,941
I thought that was for nerds.
Why didn't you guys tell me?!
33
00:01:37,965 --> 00:01:39,400
Oh, yeah.
You can even see.
34
00:01:39,467 --> 00:01:41,569
Tanya Harding's
honeymoon video on there.
35
00:01:41,635 --> 00:01:45,373
I mean, it's gross,
but it's, like, famous gross.
36
00:01:45,439 --> 00:01:46,683
You know, these women
don't compare
37
00:01:46,707 --> 00:01:49,243
to the old swimsuit issues
with Kathy Ireland.
38
00:01:49,310 --> 00:01:50,744
Yeah. She had it going on.
39
00:01:50,811 --> 00:01:52,513
You know, Horace still
has one of those
40
00:01:52,580 --> 00:01:54,215
old beer promotion
cutouts of her
41
00:01:54,282 --> 00:01:55,716
from, like 1994
in the back room.
42
00:01:55,783 --> 00:01:56,950
Don't you, Horace?
43
00:01:57,017 --> 00:01:58,252
Oh, you mean this thing?
44
00:01:58,319 --> 00:01:59,620
I was about to throw it out.
45
00:01:59,687 --> 00:02:01,455
If anyone wants it, it's theirs.
46
00:02:06,694 --> 00:02:11,365
Suddenly.
47
00:02:11,432 --> 00:02:16,136
Life has new meaning to me.
48
00:02:18,772 --> 00:02:22,310
There's beauty up above.
49
00:02:22,376 --> 00:02:26,714
And things
we never take notice of.
50
00:02:26,780 --> 00:02:28,048
You wake up.
51
00:02:28,115 --> 00:02:29,350
Suddenly.
52
00:02:29,417 --> 00:02:34,222
You're in love.
53
00:02:37,157 --> 00:02:39,627
I'm taking you home with me.
54
00:02:45,433 --> 00:02:47,601
Hey, Dad. Where are you going
with that cutout?
55
00:02:47,668 --> 00:02:50,338
Oh, hey, kids.
This is Kathy.
56
00:02:50,404 --> 00:02:52,206
We're designing lifestyle
products together.
57
00:02:52,273 --> 00:02:54,433
It's completely legitimate,
but don't tell your mother.
58
00:02:58,546 --> 00:03:01,482
I had a great time
today at the museum.
59
00:03:01,549 --> 00:03:03,551
You were the most
beautiful woman there.
60
00:03:03,617 --> 00:03:08,121
You know, Lois won't be home
from groceries for a while.
61
00:03:08,188 --> 00:03:09,657
I have an idea.
62
00:03:14,262 --> 00:03:15,729
Knock-knock.
63
00:03:15,796 --> 00:03:17,665
Anyone in the bathroom?
64
00:03:25,105 --> 00:03:28,075
I love the time we've spent
together, you know that?
65
00:03:28,141 --> 00:03:29,843
Hey, Kathy, guess what?
66
00:03:29,910 --> 00:03:31,812
I'm out.
67
00:03:31,879 --> 00:03:33,547
Under the table right now.
68
00:03:33,614 --> 00:03:34,682
I'm out.
69
00:03:34,748 --> 00:03:36,016
Peter?
70
00:03:36,083 --> 00:03:37,251
Oh, no.
71
00:03:37,318 --> 00:03:39,119
What the hell
is going on?
72
00:03:39,186 --> 00:03:41,088
I sent you to pick up
dinner an hour ago.
73
00:03:41,154 --> 00:03:43,557
What are you doing
with that cutout?
74
00:03:43,624 --> 00:03:45,359
You know what, Lois?
I'm glad you found out.
75
00:03:45,426 --> 00:03:47,628
I can't carry on
the charade anymore.
76
00:03:47,695 --> 00:03:49,363
I have an announcement to make.
77
00:03:49,430 --> 00:03:50,731
No, no, I'll do it.
I'll do it.
78
00:03:50,798 --> 00:03:52,866
I know I've been able
to keep this a secret,
79
00:03:52,933 --> 00:03:57,271
but Kathy and I are not actually
working on a project together.
80
00:03:57,338 --> 00:03:58,672
We're...
81
00:03:58,739 --> 00:03:59,873
in love.
82
00:03:59,940 --> 00:04:01,208
You're an idiot.
83
00:04:01,275 --> 00:04:02,555
My lawyer will call your lawyer.
84
00:04:02,610 --> 00:04:04,645
Ugh, this is
the stupidest thing he's done
85
00:04:04,712 --> 00:04:07,080
since he got in a turf war
with that cat.
86
00:04:14,555 --> 00:04:15,756
Hey, shut up!
87
00:04:20,594 --> 00:04:23,263
Now, kids, you don't have to
call her "Mom" right away,
88
00:04:23,331 --> 00:04:25,399
but I do want you
guys to get along.
89
00:04:25,466 --> 00:04:27,311
Just give her a chance.
I think you'll like her.
90
00:04:27,335 --> 00:04:30,270
Maybe she'll let us do things
that Lois won't let us do!
91
00:04:30,338 --> 00:04:34,174
Yeah! Hey, Mom,
can I pull my pants down?
92
00:04:34,241 --> 00:04:35,961
If she doesn't answer,
does that mean "yes"?
93
00:04:36,009 --> 00:04:37,220
That's what I've
been going with.
94
00:04:37,244 --> 00:04:38,646
Yay!
95
00:04:40,481 --> 00:04:42,683
I want to get in on that!
96
00:04:42,750 --> 00:04:45,386
Yeah. All right, all right...
97
00:04:45,453 --> 00:04:46,754
Mine's better. Mine's better...
98
00:04:49,423 --> 00:04:52,493
Oh. Hello, Lois.
I would have thought
99
00:04:52,560 --> 00:04:54,328
you'd have moved in
with your mother by now.
100
00:04:54,395 --> 00:04:56,864
No, Peter. I'm just pretty much
letting this run its course.
101
00:04:56,930 --> 00:04:58,608
Well, I'm sorry you're
handling this so poorly,
102
00:04:58,632 --> 00:04:59,833
but have you seen Kathy?
103
00:04:59,900 --> 00:05:01,902
We were gonna go get
her passport renewed.
104
00:05:01,969 --> 00:05:04,204
Oh, Chris took her into his
room about ten minutes ago.
105
00:05:04,271 --> 00:05:06,407
What?! That whore!
106
00:05:06,474 --> 00:05:10,043
She's betrayed me worse than
Lady Macbeth betrayed Duncan.
107
00:05:15,916 --> 00:05:17,418
I, uh...
108
00:05:17,485 --> 00:05:19,653
I don't know Shakespeare
very well.
109
00:05:19,720 --> 00:05:21,755
Kathy?!
110
00:05:21,822 --> 00:05:22,956
Kathy!
111
00:05:23,023 --> 00:05:24,392
There you are!
112
00:05:24,458 --> 00:05:25,826
Oh, don't give me that look!
113
00:05:25,893 --> 00:05:27,404
You don't think I know
where you've been?
114
00:05:27,428 --> 00:05:29,597
How dare you make
a fool of me!
115
00:05:29,663 --> 00:05:31,031
Did you have sex
with that fat kid?
116
00:05:31,098 --> 00:05:32,933
Did you?!
Answer me!
117
00:05:33,000 --> 00:05:34,468
Oh, my God!
118
00:05:34,535 --> 00:05:36,404
Look what you made me do!
119
00:05:38,706 --> 00:05:41,409
Why did you have to provoke me?!
120
00:05:41,475 --> 00:05:43,310
Why did you ha...?
121
00:05:43,377 --> 00:05:44,612
Quagmire?
There you are.
122
00:05:44,678 --> 00:05:46,013
Nobody's seen you in days.
123
00:05:46,079 --> 00:05:47,781
Hey, Peter.
124
00:05:47,848 --> 00:05:52,252
I just been, uh, checking out
some of that Internet porn.
125
00:05:52,319 --> 00:05:54,197
You okay? Yeah, yeah.
I'm good, I'm good, I'm good.
126
00:05:54,221 --> 00:05:58,492
I'm just gonna go-go
and check my mail over there.
127
00:05:58,559 --> 00:06:00,594
You been lifting weights?
Uh, no.
128
00:06:00,661 --> 00:06:05,198
No. No, I don't think I... No.
129
00:06:05,265 --> 00:06:07,635
I, uh, I...
You know, I'm-I'm sorry, Peter.
130
00:06:07,701 --> 00:06:09,570
I gotta... I gotta get back.
131
00:06:15,342 --> 00:06:17,110
I'm sorry, Lois!
I was a fool!
132
00:06:17,177 --> 00:06:19,880
I'm done with Kathy.
Can you ever forgive me?
133
00:06:21,381 --> 00:06:23,851
Peter, settle down.
Yes, I forgive you.
134
00:06:23,917 --> 00:06:26,253
Just as long as you're done
with that stupid cutout.
135
00:06:26,319 --> 00:06:29,189
I just want you to know that
every time I was with her,
136
00:06:29,256 --> 00:06:30,724
I was thinking of you.
137
00:06:31,959 --> 00:06:33,293
Peter, stop.
138
00:06:33,360 --> 00:06:35,563
Come on. I'm not in the mood.
139
00:06:37,831 --> 00:06:40,167
Oh, Peter!
140
00:06:40,233 --> 00:06:41,869
Oh, Lois, I missed you.
141
00:06:41,935 --> 00:06:44,872
You and your wonderful smile
and your beautiful eyes
142
00:06:44,938 --> 00:06:47,340
and your awesome third boob
that's on top of the other boob.
143
00:06:47,407 --> 00:06:49,543
What? Oh, my God!
144
00:06:49,610 --> 00:06:51,311
Peter, that's not a boob.
145
00:06:51,378 --> 00:06:52,480
That's a lump!
146
00:06:52,546 --> 00:06:53,781
A lump? Holy crap!
147
00:06:56,684 --> 00:06:58,018
Peter, stop that!
148
00:06:58,085 --> 00:06:59,386
We're not having sex!
149
00:06:59,453 --> 00:07:00,921
I just told you I have a lump.
150
00:07:00,988 --> 00:07:03,591
I got a lump too, and
mine's easier to get rid of.
151
00:07:06,494 --> 00:07:09,129
Mrs. Griffin, I've
got good news.
152
00:07:09,196 --> 00:07:11,098
Your test results
came back negative.
153
00:07:11,164 --> 00:07:12,666
It appears the lump
in your breast
154
00:07:12,733 --> 00:07:14,334
is not black
gross boob death.
155
00:07:14,401 --> 00:07:15,703
Breast cancer?
156
00:07:15,769 --> 00:07:17,270
That's the
layman's term, yes.
157
00:07:17,337 --> 00:07:19,607
Oh, thank God!
What a relief.
158
00:07:19,673 --> 00:07:21,174
Yeah, that was scary.
159
00:07:21,241 --> 00:07:23,052
Now, Mrs. Griffin, although
you're in the clear
160
00:07:23,076 --> 00:07:24,978
for the moment, we
need to have a look
161
00:07:25,045 --> 00:07:28,115
at your family medical history
to determine your future risk.
162
00:07:28,181 --> 00:07:29,917
Huh. That's curious.
163
00:07:29,983 --> 00:07:32,103
I didn't realize your mother
was a Holocaust survivor.
164
00:07:32,152 --> 00:07:33,654
My mother?
165
00:07:33,721 --> 00:07:35,589
Oh, no,
that's-that's impossible.
166
00:07:35,656 --> 00:07:36,990
She's not Jewish.
167
00:07:37,057 --> 00:07:39,059
According to her birth
certificate, she is.
168
00:07:39,126 --> 00:07:41,028
Oh, my God.
169
00:07:42,696 --> 00:07:44,665
Breast cancer's starting
to look pretty good.
170
00:07:49,737 --> 00:07:51,772
Mom, you're Jewish?
171
00:07:51,839 --> 00:07:54,007
I'm sorry I never
told you, dear.
172
00:07:54,074 --> 00:07:57,511
When we were married, your
father made me conceal the fact
173
00:07:57,578 --> 00:07:59,446
so he could get
into country clubs.
174
00:07:59,513 --> 00:08:00,714
It was the right thing to do.
175
00:08:00,781 --> 00:08:03,283
It was the right
thing to do, dear.
176
00:08:03,350 --> 00:08:04,852
Oh, my God.
177
00:08:04,918 --> 00:08:07,354
So Grandma Hebrewberg
is actually Jewish?
178
00:08:07,420 --> 00:08:11,224
Yes, when she moved to America,
her family changed their name.
179
00:08:11,291 --> 00:08:14,327
It was originally
Hebrewbergmoneygrabber.
180
00:08:14,394 --> 00:08:16,229
That makes you Jewish, Lois.
181
00:08:16,296 --> 00:08:17,665
And your children, too.
182
00:08:17,731 --> 00:08:19,700
Well, this kind of
rocks my world.
183
00:08:19,767 --> 00:08:21,969
Even more than the time
I went to that pediatrician.
184
00:08:23,036 --> 00:08:24,104
Whoa, Stewie!
185
00:08:24,171 --> 00:08:26,740
You're getting
to be a big boy!
186
00:08:26,807 --> 00:08:28,809
I think somebody's going
to be a football star!
187
00:08:28,876 --> 00:08:30,210
Oh, you.
188
00:08:30,277 --> 00:08:31,679
Oops. Forgot your chart.
189
00:08:31,745 --> 00:08:32,946
Be right back.
190
00:08:33,013 --> 00:08:34,782
Whoa, Jason!
191
00:08:34,848 --> 00:08:36,950
You're getting
to be a big boy.
192
00:08:37,017 --> 00:08:39,887
I think somebody's going
to be a football star.
193
00:08:39,953 --> 00:08:42,122
I can't believe
I fell for that line.
194
00:08:42,189 --> 00:08:44,858
I actually let myself believe
I could be a doctor's wife.
195
00:08:44,925 --> 00:08:46,627
You're just fat, Stewie.
196
00:08:46,694 --> 00:08:48,228
Silly and fat.
197
00:08:51,264 --> 00:08:53,867
Uh, thank you for
coming over, Max.
198
00:08:53,934 --> 00:08:56,637
I really need some advice
from an actual Jewish person.
199
00:08:56,704 --> 00:08:58,205
Oh, it's my pleasure, Lois.
200
00:08:58,271 --> 00:09:00,874
I'm sure this all
must be very overwhelming.
201
00:09:00,941 --> 00:09:03,076
I just don't know what to
do with this information.
202
00:09:03,143 --> 00:09:05,545
I-I've spent my whole
life as a Christian.
203
00:09:05,613 --> 00:09:07,891
I'll tell you what you should do
with it: Absolutely nothing.
204
00:09:07,915 --> 00:09:09,282
That's the problem
with this world.
205
00:09:09,349 --> 00:09:11,785
Too many people go overboard
with what they believe.
206
00:09:11,852 --> 00:09:13,086
Like Quagmire when he thought
207
00:09:13,153 --> 00:09:14,622
he was the one
getting the spin-off.
208
00:09:14,688 --> 00:09:16,356
See you later, bitches!
209
00:09:16,423 --> 00:09:18,425
Have fun with your stupid
giant chicken jokes
210
00:09:18,491 --> 00:09:20,260
and your Conway Twitty...
211
00:09:20,327 --> 00:09:22,639
Hey, why is there a moving truck
outside Cleveland's house?
212
00:09:22,663 --> 00:09:24,632
Well, I wouldn't put it
quite like that,
213
00:09:24,698 --> 00:09:26,133
but essentially, Brian's right.
214
00:09:26,199 --> 00:09:28,368
Being Jewish doesn't
really have to change you
215
00:09:28,435 --> 00:09:29,703
or your family's life.
216
00:09:29,770 --> 00:09:31,605
Well, I guess you're right.
217
00:09:31,672 --> 00:09:34,307
There's no reason things should
be any different around here.
218
00:09:34,374 --> 00:09:36,143
Shalom, Jews!
219
00:09:36,209 --> 00:09:39,947
Wow, Dad, where did you get
all that glistening chest hair?
220
00:09:40,013 --> 00:09:41,314
It came with my
Star of David.
221
00:09:41,381 --> 00:09:42,683
Peter, what is all this?
222
00:09:42,750 --> 00:09:44,127
Look, this is my way
of letting you know
223
00:09:44,151 --> 00:09:46,053
that I'm embracing who you are.
224
00:09:46,119 --> 00:09:48,021
Oh, and I don't respond
to Peter.
225
00:09:48,088 --> 00:09:52,893
From now on, I want you to use
my Hebrew name, Hccccccchhhhh.
226
00:09:52,960 --> 00:09:57,264
Well, I-I caution you,
uh, Hccccccchhhhh,
227
00:09:57,330 --> 00:10:00,133
that becoming Jewish
doesn't happen overnight.
228
00:10:00,200 --> 00:10:02,602
It's a process that involves
spiritual education
229
00:10:02,670 --> 00:10:04,237
and good works.
230
00:10:04,304 --> 00:10:06,506
So what you're saying
is that it happens overnight?
231
00:10:06,573 --> 00:10:08,842
Look, Peter, I'm the one
with the Jewish heritage,
232
00:10:08,909 --> 00:10:11,311
and I really don't want
to make a big deal out of this.
233
00:10:11,378 --> 00:10:14,047
Leave it to a Jew to take
all the fun out of being a Jew.
234
00:10:14,114 --> 00:10:16,416
Now, listen up. I like the hat,
and I like the scarf.
235
00:10:16,483 --> 00:10:17,718
So we're doing this.
236
00:10:20,688 --> 00:10:24,958
Kids, from now on, this is where
we'll celebrate the Sabbath.
237
00:10:25,025 --> 00:10:26,927
Peter, this is
all unnecessary.
238
00:10:26,994 --> 00:10:29,029
Our life was fine
the way it was.
239
00:10:29,096 --> 00:10:31,231
Check it out. I'm one
of you guys now, huh?
240
00:10:31,298 --> 00:10:32,866
I'm Jewish! Yeah!
241
00:10:32,933 --> 00:10:34,668
Holocaust!
We're #1!
242
00:10:34,735 --> 00:10:37,070
Look at all these
short, hairy men.
243
00:10:37,137 --> 00:10:39,740
God, I feel like I'm
on the forest moon of Endor.
244
00:10:39,807 --> 00:10:41,174
Good afternoon.
245
00:10:41,241 --> 00:10:43,944
As we approach
the Passover holiday,
246
00:10:44,011 --> 00:10:46,113
let us remember the struggle
of our people
247
00:10:46,179 --> 00:10:50,183
as they labored under the yoke
of Pharaoh's despotic rule.
248
00:10:50,250 --> 00:10:53,086
Hey, if anyone appreciates
a good yoke, it's the yews.
249
00:10:56,223 --> 00:10:58,201
That's my Jewish laugh. I'm
working on a Jewish laugh.
250
00:10:58,225 --> 00:11:00,293
Peter, I'm so
embarrassed right now.
251
00:11:00,360 --> 00:11:01,594
Can we please just go?
252
00:11:01,661 --> 00:11:04,131
Hi. You're pretty.
253
00:11:04,197 --> 00:11:05,733
Oh, thank you.
254
00:11:07,000 --> 00:11:10,003
Mom, is sodomy illegal
if you're Jewish?
255
00:11:10,070 --> 00:11:12,906
I hope so, Meg.
I really do.
256
00:11:12,973 --> 00:11:16,877
It's not, Lois.
It's not.
257
00:11:19,847 --> 00:11:22,682
Dad, this isn't
the way to school.
258
00:11:22,750 --> 00:11:24,051
Yes, it is, Chris.
259
00:11:24,117 --> 00:11:25,919
One of the best parts
about being Jewish
260
00:11:25,986 --> 00:11:27,997
is getting to take advantage
of their excellent schools.
261
00:11:28,021 --> 00:11:29,723
I'm not going
to no Jewish school.
262
00:11:29,790 --> 00:11:32,692
Sitting around all day with
a bunch of short, hairy guys.
263
00:11:32,760 --> 00:11:35,062
I'll feel like I'm on
the forest moon of Endor.
264
00:11:35,128 --> 00:11:37,798
Didn't you... didn't you make
that joke the other day?
265
00:11:37,865 --> 00:11:39,366
Oh. Yeah.
266
00:11:39,432 --> 00:11:41,268
No, I just wasn't sure
if everybody had,
267
00:11:41,334 --> 00:11:44,938
um... had heard.
268
00:11:47,007 --> 00:11:49,209
And instead of
lasting for one day,
269
00:11:49,276 --> 00:11:52,112
the oil in the lamp
lasted for eight days.
270
00:11:52,179 --> 00:11:54,347
And that is why we
celebrate Hanukkah.
271
00:11:54,414 --> 00:11:56,083
Yeah, yeah, yeah,
how long before we play
272
00:11:56,149 --> 00:11:58,251
"pin the eviction notice
on the black guy's door"?
273
00:11:58,318 --> 00:12:00,120
Now, does anyone have
any questions?
274
00:12:00,187 --> 00:12:01,664
Yeah, I have a question...
What are you gonna do
275
00:12:01,688 --> 00:12:04,057
when Jesus comes back
and puts a boot up your ass?
276
00:12:04,124 --> 00:12:05,926
And it's also why many families
277
00:12:05,993 --> 00:12:08,361
give their children
eight days of presents.
278
00:12:08,428 --> 00:12:10,163
Wait, did she say
eight days of presents?
279
00:12:10,230 --> 00:12:12,099
Yeah.
280
00:12:12,165 --> 00:12:14,410
Well, this Judaism thing is
gonna be better than I thought.
281
00:12:14,434 --> 00:12:16,904
All right, class, that's
all for today's lesson.
282
00:12:16,970 --> 00:12:18,405
Now everyone off
to gym class.
283
00:12:18,471 --> 00:12:21,274
All right, today we're
gonna play soccer.
284
00:12:28,115 --> 00:12:30,250
Huh. That was easy.
285
00:12:32,886 --> 00:12:35,923
Hey, Lois, the kids
are all asleep.
286
00:12:35,989 --> 00:12:37,724
I suppose they are.
287
00:12:39,126 --> 00:12:40,327
You know what else?
288
00:12:40,393 --> 00:12:42,062
I picked out a sexy
little Jewish outfit
289
00:12:42,129 --> 00:12:43,563
for you at the store.
290
00:12:43,630 --> 00:12:44,865
What is that?
291
00:12:44,932 --> 00:12:46,499
Oh, my God, Lois,
292
00:12:46,566 --> 00:12:49,012
if you put on this long, thick
dress right now, I will lose it.
293
00:12:49,036 --> 00:12:50,213
Peter, I'm not
wearing that thing.
294
00:12:50,237 --> 00:12:52,005
And if you put this shawl
over your head...
295
00:12:52,072 --> 00:12:55,008
Ooh, do you have any clunky,
unfashionable peasant shoes?
296
00:12:55,075 --> 00:12:58,478
Oh, I swear to God, Lois,
I swear to God, I would lose it.
297
00:12:58,545 --> 00:13:00,213
Peter, get off me!
298
00:13:00,280 --> 00:13:03,250
Tell me I don't earn as much
as your friend's husband.
299
00:13:03,316 --> 00:13:04,818
Peter, stop it!
300
00:13:04,885 --> 00:13:06,186
I'm going to sleep.
301
00:13:06,253 --> 00:13:08,822
Fine. I'll just sit
here and watch TV.
302
00:13:08,889 --> 00:13:13,660
We now return to Mark Wahlberg
in Annoyed and Confused.
303
00:13:13,726 --> 00:13:15,795
What? What's going on?
304
00:13:15,863 --> 00:13:16,930
I don't get it.
305
00:13:16,997 --> 00:13:18,565
Man, I gotta work out.
306
00:13:18,631 --> 00:13:19,833
What's going on here?
307
00:13:19,900 --> 00:13:21,201
Where am I?
308
00:13:21,268 --> 00:13:22,903
What the... Huh?
309
00:13:22,970 --> 00:13:24,437
What the hell's going on here?
310
00:13:24,504 --> 00:13:25,873
Huh?! What?!
311
00:13:31,311 --> 00:13:34,447
Peter.
312
00:13:37,084 --> 00:13:38,251
Dad?
313
00:13:38,318 --> 00:13:40,020
What do you think
you're doing, Peter?
314
00:13:40,087 --> 00:13:41,922
You were raised Catholic.
315
00:13:41,989 --> 00:13:46,159
If you forsake your religion,
you'll spend eternity in Hell.
316
00:13:46,226 --> 00:13:47,995
Oh, God. I don't want that.
317
00:13:48,061 --> 00:13:50,463
Then you better knock off
all the Jewish stuff.
318
00:13:50,530 --> 00:13:53,300
Well... all right, if that's
what you think is best.
319
00:13:54,834 --> 00:13:56,436
Oh, wait, Dad, before you go,
320
00:13:56,503 --> 00:13:59,372
can you say, "Peter, you must
go to the Dagobah System"?
321
00:13:59,439 --> 00:14:03,576
Peter, you must go
to the Dagobah System.
322
00:14:03,643 --> 00:14:05,913
Ah. Thanks.
323
00:14:11,018 --> 00:14:14,888
Anybody want
toast or a bagel?
324
00:14:14,955 --> 00:14:17,024
Peter, what the hell?!
325
00:14:17,090 --> 00:14:19,159
Lois, last night,
my father came to me
326
00:14:19,226 --> 00:14:21,028
and reminded me that
I'm a good Catholic.
327
00:14:21,094 --> 00:14:23,096
If I don't rid the house
of this Jewish curse,
328
00:14:23,163 --> 00:14:24,831
this family is
gonna go to Hell,
329
00:14:24,898 --> 00:14:26,018
and I won't let that happen.
330
00:14:26,066 --> 00:14:27,367
Peter, you were
the only one
331
00:14:27,434 --> 00:14:29,069
who was even taking
this thing seriously.
332
00:14:29,136 --> 00:14:30,537
Jews are gross, Lois.
333
00:14:30,603 --> 00:14:32,906
It's the only religion
with the word "ew" in it.
334
00:14:32,973 --> 00:14:34,541
Oh, come on, you're
acting crazier
335
00:14:34,607 --> 00:14:37,210
than when you were going
through your Parker Lewis phase.
336
00:14:37,277 --> 00:14:38,745
Peter, you ready
for dinner?
337
00:14:38,811 --> 00:14:40,356
Oh, that's just like
the Parker Lewis episode
338
00:14:40,380 --> 00:14:42,282
when Parker Lewis
ate dinner.
339
00:14:42,349 --> 00:14:44,684
Peter, nobody cares
about your canceled show.
340
00:14:44,751 --> 00:14:47,154
Lois, Parker Lewis
can't lose.
341
00:14:47,220 --> 00:14:49,256
Don't even try
and make him lose
342
00:14:49,322 --> 00:14:51,234
'cause it's just going to be
that much more embarrassing
343
00:14:51,258 --> 00:14:53,226
for you when you realize
that he can't lose.
344
00:14:53,293 --> 00:14:55,295
Would he win
in a fight with Batman?
345
00:14:55,362 --> 00:14:57,130
Well, Chris, think about
what you're saying.
346
00:14:57,197 --> 00:14:59,066
Parker Lewis can't lose.
347
00:14:59,132 --> 00:15:01,668
Heretofore, Batman
can suck on that.
348
00:15:01,734 --> 00:15:04,104
Suck on that?
Suck on this.
349
00:15:04,171 --> 00:15:06,073
Tic-Tacs only have
one and a half calories.
350
00:15:06,139 --> 00:15:07,440
Well played.
351
00:15:07,507 --> 00:15:08,841
I love you, Dad.
352
00:15:08,908 --> 00:15:10,677
I love you too, son.
353
00:15:20,954 --> 00:15:22,922
What the...
what the hell?
354
00:15:22,990 --> 00:15:25,358
How do you like it? Huh?
How do you like it?
355
00:15:25,425 --> 00:15:27,394
Peter, what in
God's name is this?
356
00:15:27,460 --> 00:15:29,997
Wait a minute, are these
pieces of Stewie's crib?
357
00:15:30,063 --> 00:15:32,265
I hate it here.
358
00:15:35,402 --> 00:15:37,937
Oh, thanks for spending
time with me today, Mom.
359
00:15:38,005 --> 00:15:39,973
I just had to get
out of that house.
360
00:15:40,040 --> 00:15:41,508
Peter's being
such a jackass.
361
00:15:41,574 --> 00:15:44,944
Lois, I think this is more
serious than you realize.
362
00:15:45,012 --> 00:15:46,413
Don't you see
what he's doing?
363
00:15:46,479 --> 00:15:48,448
Oh, he's just
being immature.
364
00:15:48,515 --> 00:15:50,283
It's happened before,
and it'll pass.
365
00:15:50,350 --> 00:15:52,219
Lois, what Peter
is doing to you
366
00:15:52,285 --> 00:15:55,055
is exactly what Carter
did to me for years.
367
00:15:55,122 --> 00:15:57,890
He's repressing
your Jewish identity.
368
00:15:59,426 --> 00:16:02,362
But, Mom, I don't really
care about being Jewish.
369
00:16:02,429 --> 00:16:04,264
Or even Christian,
for that matter.
370
00:16:04,331 --> 00:16:06,466
I just wanna be a good
person, on my own.
371
00:16:08,368 --> 00:16:12,105
All I'm saying is I let your
father take my Jewish identity,
372
00:16:12,172 --> 00:16:14,474
and I've regretted
it ever since.
373
00:16:14,541 --> 00:16:17,077
I don't want to see you
make the same mistake.
374
00:16:17,144 --> 00:16:18,664
I don't know, Mom.
I'll think about it.
375
00:16:19,979 --> 00:16:22,149
Carter, knock it off.
376
00:16:22,215 --> 00:16:24,817
Come on, you know you Jew
girls want that dollar.
377
00:16:24,884 --> 00:16:26,986
Follow the dollar,
and it'll lead you to... um...
378
00:16:27,054 --> 00:16:28,355
What do... what
do Jews like?
379
00:16:28,421 --> 00:16:30,190
Salmon. There's
salmon over here.
380
00:16:30,257 --> 00:16:31,434
Is there really
salmon over there?
381
00:16:31,458 --> 00:16:33,126
No.
382
00:16:33,193 --> 00:16:35,862
You walk over there and he
squirts you with a squirt gun.
383
00:16:51,244 --> 00:16:53,280
Aah! What the hell?!
384
00:17:01,321 --> 00:17:03,323
Are you out of
your mind?
385
00:17:03,390 --> 00:17:05,292
Relax, Lois. I was aiming
for the mailbox.
386
00:17:05,358 --> 00:17:06,993
I'm just trying
to make a point.
387
00:17:07,060 --> 00:17:08,161
Good morning, Lois.
388
00:17:09,396 --> 00:17:10,663
Peter, for God's sake!
389
00:17:10,730 --> 00:17:11,998
I am so sorry, Mort.
390
00:17:12,065 --> 00:17:13,233
No problem, Lois.
391
00:17:13,300 --> 00:17:14,443
That's how people
say hello to me.
392
00:17:14,467 --> 00:17:17,237
Hey, Joe.
393
00:17:19,806 --> 00:17:22,375
Peter, you and I are gonna
have a conversation.
394
00:17:22,442 --> 00:17:23,743
I'm very angry with you.
395
00:17:23,810 --> 00:17:25,478
Geez, what's your problem?
396
00:17:25,545 --> 00:17:28,148
What you did this morning was
so far out of line I just...
397
00:17:28,215 --> 00:17:29,549
Let me tell you this.
398
00:17:29,616 --> 00:17:31,518
Mom was right.
399
00:17:31,584 --> 00:17:34,654
I can't just sit here and let
you dump all over my heritage.
400
00:17:34,721 --> 00:17:37,124
I'm not gonna make
the mistake she did.
401
00:17:37,190 --> 00:17:39,292
I'm Jewish, and I'm proud of it.
402
00:17:39,359 --> 00:17:41,594
And this weekend
we're having a Passover seder.
403
00:17:41,661 --> 00:17:42,995
You can't do that. It's Easter.
404
00:17:43,062 --> 00:17:44,597
Not in this house.
405
00:17:44,664 --> 00:17:47,100
Lois, this family believes
in the Easter Bunny.
406
00:17:47,167 --> 00:17:49,269
He died for our sins
in that helicopter crash.
407
00:17:49,336 --> 00:17:51,238
Now, if you wanna go
to Hell, that's fine,
408
00:17:51,304 --> 00:17:53,340
but don't drag the rest
of us down with you
409
00:17:53,406 --> 00:17:55,108
like a mentally
handicapped rooster.
410
00:17:55,175 --> 00:17:56,643
Cock-a-doodle-doo.
411
00:17:56,709 --> 00:17:58,678
Cock-a-doodle-doo.
412
00:17:58,745 --> 00:18:01,281
Good night, everybody.
413
00:18:04,217 --> 00:18:05,718
Okay, everyone.
414
00:18:05,785 --> 00:18:08,054
This is my first time
doing a seder,
415
00:18:08,121 --> 00:18:10,690
which is where we tell the story
of the Jews' escape
416
00:18:10,757 --> 00:18:12,359
from bondage in Egypt.
417
00:18:12,425 --> 00:18:14,394
Doesn't it seem like
every Jewish holiday
418
00:18:14,461 --> 00:18:16,463
has to do with them
escaping from stuff?
419
00:18:16,529 --> 00:18:17,997
No, Chris.
420
00:18:18,064 --> 00:18:21,368
And you know, tricking some
bigger, more athletic people?
421
00:18:21,434 --> 00:18:23,170
Uh, Lois, not that
I'm rushing you,
422
00:18:23,236 --> 00:18:24,837
but when do we get
to the wine drinking?
423
00:18:24,904 --> 00:18:25,904
Hang on, hang on.
424
00:18:25,938 --> 00:18:27,640
Before we do anything,
425
00:18:27,707 --> 00:18:29,787
I'd like to say a blessing
over the candles if I may.
426
00:18:29,842 --> 00:18:31,882
Now bear with me, I haven't
had much rehearsal time.
427
00:18:33,246 --> 00:18:37,717
Barukh atah adonai
elohaynu melekh halahm.
428
00:18:37,784 --> 00:18:41,120
A-share kiddy shahnu
bimitzvah tov.
429
00:18:41,188 --> 00:18:44,391
Vitsee vanu I'hahdlic
nare, shell yom tov...
430
00:18:44,457 --> 00:18:46,759
Can't we just eat?
431
00:18:46,826 --> 00:18:48,695
And now I shall
continue the prayer.
432
00:18:48,761 --> 00:18:50,630
Kali mah.
433
00:18:50,697 --> 00:18:53,132
Kali mah.
434
00:18:53,200 --> 00:18:54,467
Kali mah.
435
00:18:54,534 --> 00:18:56,636
Hum num shevai,
hum num shevai,
436
00:18:56,703 --> 00:18:58,705
hum num shevai, hum num
shevai, hum num shevai.
437
00:18:58,771 --> 00:19:01,808
Now let's move on
to the washing of the hands.
438
00:19:01,874 --> 00:19:04,177
This is a very important
part of the ceremo...
439
00:19:04,244 --> 00:19:06,346
Hey, hey, hey.
The Easter Bunny is here.
440
00:19:06,413 --> 00:19:08,381
Happy Easter.
441
00:19:08,448 --> 00:19:10,226
Peter, what the hell
are you doing in that...?
442
00:19:10,250 --> 00:19:11,718
Have you been drinking?
443
00:19:11,784 --> 00:19:13,553
Not since I got
out of the car.
444
00:19:13,620 --> 00:19:15,522
Who here thinks they
can kick my ass?
445
00:19:15,588 --> 00:19:17,257
Peter, you are not
gonna ruin this seder.
446
00:19:17,324 --> 00:19:19,125
Now get out of here.
447
00:19:19,192 --> 00:19:23,363
I'm sorry, kids, I just wanted
to help Brian run for mayor.
448
00:19:23,430 --> 00:19:26,299
I guess I forgot what
was really important.
449
00:19:26,366 --> 00:19:27,700
Peter, just go lie down.
450
00:19:27,767 --> 00:19:29,602
All right, I'm gonna
go lie down
451
00:19:29,669 --> 00:19:32,004
and then I'm gonna come back
and mess up your seder.
452
00:19:32,071 --> 00:19:34,441
All right, I'm back,
and I'm much more sober.
453
00:19:34,507 --> 00:19:36,042
Lois, what you're
doing is wrong.
454
00:19:36,108 --> 00:19:38,445
I want you to get all this
Jew food off the table.
455
00:19:38,511 --> 00:19:39,879
I most certainly
will not.
456
00:19:39,946 --> 00:19:42,014
It's me or your
religion, Lois.
457
00:19:42,081 --> 00:19:44,617
I'm a Catholic and I want
to live in a Catholic house.
458
00:19:44,684 --> 00:19:47,220
Well, I'm a Jew and I want
to live in a nicer house.
459
00:19:47,287 --> 00:19:49,055
You really think
I should run for mayor?
460
00:19:49,121 --> 00:19:51,791
Peter, you gotta stop living
in your own stupid world.
461
00:19:51,858 --> 00:19:53,593
I'm sorry, but I can't
be with someone
462
00:19:53,660 --> 00:19:54,927
who doesn't
believe in Jesus.
463
00:19:54,994 --> 00:19:56,596
Hey, hey,
heard my name.
464
00:19:56,663 --> 00:19:57,663
Wow, Jesus!
465
00:19:57,697 --> 00:19:59,098
Aw, you're dead
now, Lois.
466
00:19:59,165 --> 00:20:00,600
Jesus is gonna kill ya,
467
00:20:00,667 --> 00:20:02,402
and then we're gonna bury you
in the yard
468
00:20:02,469 --> 00:20:04,837
next to Kathy Ireland...
469
00:20:04,904 --> 00:20:06,639
I mean, uh, nice weather
we're having.
470
00:20:06,706 --> 00:20:08,451
Look, Peter, I thought it
might interest you to know
471
00:20:08,475 --> 00:20:09,709
that I'm Jewish.
472
00:20:09,776 --> 00:20:10,943
What?
473
00:20:11,010 --> 00:20:12,579
He's Jewish, Peter.
474
00:20:12,645 --> 00:20:15,114
Jewish, like full-on?
Like you practice Jewie-ism?
475
00:20:15,181 --> 00:20:16,249
I am a Jew.
476
00:20:16,316 --> 00:20:17,650
Prove it.
477
00:20:17,717 --> 00:20:19,786
What's a nine percent
tip on a $200 bill?
478
00:20:19,852 --> 00:20:22,154
$18. Which is fair.
479
00:20:22,221 --> 00:20:23,490
Oh, my God, it's true.
480
00:20:23,556 --> 00:20:24,824
But I'm so confused.
481
00:20:24,891 --> 00:20:26,826
Peter, it really
doesn't matter.
482
00:20:26,893 --> 00:20:29,329
Catholicism and Judaism
are not that different.
483
00:20:29,396 --> 00:20:31,197
They're two sides
of the same coin.
484
00:20:31,264 --> 00:20:32,765
In fact, the Last Supper,
485
00:20:32,832 --> 00:20:35,201
one of the most iconic images
of the Catholic faith,
486
00:20:35,268 --> 00:20:36,536
was a Passover seder.
487
00:20:36,603 --> 00:20:37,904
And if I'm not mistaken,
488
00:20:37,970 --> 00:20:39,806
Islam is also in that same
spiritual family...
489
00:20:39,872 --> 00:20:41,841
Uh, let's not muddy
things up here.
490
00:20:41,908 --> 00:20:44,744
The most important thing
is to treat other people
491
00:20:44,811 --> 00:20:46,813
the same way you would
want to be treated.
492
00:20:46,879 --> 00:20:49,316
Oh, an eye for an eye.
493
00:20:49,382 --> 00:20:52,619
Well, Lois, I guess
I owe you an apology.
494
00:20:52,685 --> 00:20:54,454
I was scared because
my dad convinced me
495
00:20:54,521 --> 00:20:56,188
I was going to Hell.
496
00:20:56,255 --> 00:20:58,491
And I was doing it to make up
for my mother's mistake.
497
00:20:58,558 --> 00:21:00,593
Look, I don't know
if being Jewish
498
00:21:00,660 --> 00:21:02,662
is the right thing
for our family.
499
00:21:02,729 --> 00:21:04,564
I just wanted the chance
to explore it
500
00:21:04,631 --> 00:21:06,333
so I could know for sure.
501
00:21:06,399 --> 00:21:09,101
But, to tell you the truth,
I thought we were fine before.
502
00:21:09,168 --> 00:21:11,771
But then, Jesus, which religion
should our family be?
503
00:21:11,838 --> 00:21:14,140
Six of one... they're
all complete crap.
504
00:21:14,206 --> 00:21:15,875
Thank you.37197
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