All language subtitles for the-split-s01e01-webrip

Downloaded @ subs4series.com

Honestly, Hannah,
it's completely inappropriate.

Dad! Not to mention deeply damaging.
You're paying the therapy bills.

I thought it was Disney.

It was about a man
who loved a dolphin. A lot.

I'm sending you to boarding school.
Well, Tilly watched it, too!

Right, both of you.

Eat your bagel.

Thank you.

New? Er, no.

Yes. Hot.

Dad! What?

I've got lunch. With the new
management team.

How is Christie?

Still Danish? Fine.
And he's still Dutch.

Tremendous.

The truth is, you don't
get on with your ex-wife.

No, I mean, that's why the show
is called My Ex-Wife...

No, we won't at this time of day
mention the actual name of the show.

But what would she say about you,
Rex?

She'd probably call me something
worse.

Yes, she would.

If you want to kill each other,
can you wait till after tonight?

I hate you! I hate you!
I hate you more!

That's mine. Give it back.

Liv, can you pull your skirt up
a little higher?

Grandma's birthday card,
it's on the TV.

Do not let me get drunk tonight.

Do not drink. Don't be an arsehole.
Do not be late.

We agreed if I was late,
you would cover.

Your family, your mother's birthday.

I'm in court until... Four.
..plus I have a mountain of briefs.

Call Nina. She won't come.

Then I'll have to leave a message
and then she'll have the upper hand.

I have to see her twice today.

Twice - once at the office,
once at the party.

It's just six weeks, Hannah.
And happily counting.

That's what happens when you walk
from the family firm.

But she's your sister,
you'll talk.

Plus, tonight, you'll drink.
You'll make your speech and then...

You know, I stopped listening five
minutes ago.

Oh, it is this the menopause?
Oh, there it is!

Your arsehole status
at once confirmed.

Bin.

Go brighten someone else's day.

Oi.

Hey, hey.

Hey, Donna.

Be careful.
Your mother's on fine form.

Running late again?

We keeping count?

Your sister is threatening
to use my old wedding dress.

I couldn't tell her I burned it.

I suspect she's rooting through
my wardrobe as we speak.

Hope and Pope.

That's today? You're facing Hannah?

Who's still pissed off because, as
we know, you didn't step down and
let her take over like you promised.

Update.

We're sticking on a couple of
financial points.

Child access? Also holding us up.

His ex-wife's upset so his son's
upset and now refusing to see him.

Delay the decree absolute if you
need to.

Yes.

That's what I thought.

Sorry, happy...

No, no.

No happy birthdays.

My Ex-Wife's A Bitch.

Catchy. I thought so.

A little premature, not officially
an ex-wife until after the decree

absolute is in. And he asked himself
why she won't let him see their

child. I'll have security close by.
War room? Booked.

The Pearson meeting is set for
tomorrow, I briefed counsel.

Watson, Demova, all to be signed.

And your father was here. I think
he might still be downstairs.

Right.

I thought I saw him in the square.

I put it... No. Cancel.

He was pretty insistent
he wanted to see you.

He can't. Oh, and Christie wants
to brief you on your nine o'clock.

What nine o'clock?
Moving in is making progress, then?

A corner window
would be making progress.

Tell me who I have to sleep with.

Susie Mackin, HR, second floor.

It's a Mother's Day present.

You dodged that bullet.

Whatever you are asking, no.

David McKenzie.

His business makes up 3% of
JJ Johnson's entire turnover.

I won't poach from any of the big
five.

You found him, late last night,
we got the call.

He needs someone senior in family
law.

There isn't a kid who doesn't own a
pair of his trainers.

Can't Xander?
Your name stands for something.

They hear Defoe and... Stern.

I'm Stern now.

Curious, you never thought of using
your married name before.

What can I say?
Nathan finally wore me down.

You OK? Er...

Did you tell her?

David McKenzie.

Mr and Mrs McKenzie.

Hannah Stern, senior partner.

And this is my junior solicitor,
Maggie.

Hiya. So, perhaps you'd like to...
bring me up to speed.

Thank you.

Davey?

This is my new lawyer, Goldie, love.

She's going to help me.

With what? With our divorce.

We'll find you one of your own,
of course.

You've been an exemplary wife
and I can't fault you as a mother.

You'll be recompensed.

You'll get a healthy allowance,
pay for your travel.

There'll be, you know, a small
income from your shares.

We should tell the children soon.

I think they already suspect.

I'm sorry.

I just don't love you any more.

Mrs McKenzie...

..why not take a breath?

She had no representation. She
didn't even know why she was there.

So you ended the meeting?

Yeah, of course. Set up another with
Mr McKenzie alone.

And he can instruct us formally on
his divorce.

I don't do circus.

This will be circus. Who doesn't
love a circus? Never have.

Hate clowns.

Your mother warned me.

You prefer to encourage settlement.

You don't burn up enough hours
in court.

There's a certain paradox in a
divorce lawyer who's actually averse

to divorce. I'm not averse...

He is a multimillionaire who wants
us to litigate so you will litigate.

And it will be a war.

Please tell my wife
I'll meet her downstairs.

Just as a matter of interest...

..was she given any legal advice,

your wife, before
she came in at all?

No, of course not.

She didn't know you were going to
divorce her today.

To be clear...
No, to be clear, legally,

she's entitled to 50% and if
I'm going to represent you,

you need to know I play by the book.

So if there is anything you are
keeping secret,

now would be the time to say.

Careful, Mrs Stern.

Remember what you said.

Take a breath.

Bill me for the skirt.

You need to get a wet wipe on that.

Thank you.

Do you enjoy this,

watching people
tear themselves apart?

No.

But I trained from an early age.

Mrs McKenzie...

..I know you want to run right now
but if I may give you some advice?

Get the best solicitor
you can afford.

Keep swimming past the sharks,

you find someone who can put
herself in your shoes,

to give you the divorce

she would want if she were to ever
find herself there.

She?

I'll ask Maggie to pull up a list.

Thank you.

No, I don't want a bloody lift.

Ah, hello. Hannah Stern?

Just over there. Thank you.

Oh.

Technically, I own half of that.

Technically, you own 10%.
It was for the Thompson case.

I won the Thompson case that got
Mrs Thompson both houses
and retained her sanity. The shares?

Nice sweetener.

Hello, Hannah.

Hello, Nina.

New hair. New job.

Does Rex know Eddie's here?

And Sarah wants to keep it that way.

He broke the terms of their
agreement.

My Ex-Wife's A Bitch -
he didn't think of mentioning it?

She's a comedy agent, she was his
agent, she knows the way this works.

Yeah, well, hell hath no fury like
an agent scorned.

What's David McKenzie doing
downstairs?

Nice shirt.

Mr Pope, your ex-wife is
experiencing considerable distress

seeing her life... Former life.

..with you continually sourced
as material.

Well, it's pretty distressing...

For my client not to be
able to see his son.

It's been three weeks
since he's had Eddie.

You can't use the gags about my
mother's cancer.

Not even the chemo party bit?

You see what I've got to work with
here?

Have you got nothing happy to write
about?

You used to find this funny.

You used to say there was nothing so
bad you couldn't take the piss out

of it.
How else do I shine this shit?!

When you loved me...
Yeah, WHEN I loved you.

But then you used to be funnier than
this.

All we would ask is that you find an
alternative source for your comedy.

Otherwise the current situation with
regard to spending time with your

son may be made permanent.

No. No, no, no, no.

Our concern is that the continued
separation between

my client and his son compounds
a growing parental alienation.

I love my son.
You think this is loving him?

Sorry, I need a break.

You off, then?
You need to stay calm.

Do not do this.

Do not make threats with visitation,
Hannah, do not screw with us.

It's not a threat.
We've negotiated a settlement.

We're nearly agreed... How do you
think Rex is going to pay for it?

This tour, he needs this tour.

I'm concerned for him.

He's on the edge, he really is.
No-one is disputing your client's

right to tour - we're just disputing
his rights to what's in it.

This is not fair on the kid.

When has divorce
ever been fair on the kids?

You're coming tonight?
Yeah, of course.

Rosie called. And texted.

Several times.
I could have brought stuff.

I always bring stuff. Yeah, well,
this time, we did it.

You get to give the speech.
Great, yeah, lucked out there.

I'm tasked with balloons.

Shiny. It's a surprise party.

She knows. You know she knows.
No. She just hates birthdays.

Exactly, so a surprise party,
it's insane.

Hey.

Christie Carmichael!

Last time I saw you was the night
before Hannah's wedding in our back

garden. Dancing so badly to
Wonderwall.

Oh, please. Hannah never approved
of the innocent rave.

That is ridiculous, that is totally
ridiculous, because I raved.

We raved. You never raved.

You took her in.
Your loss is our gain.

Oh, you got grey. I like it.

The Dolan papers, did you sign?
Because I left them on your desk.

I need them signed and picked up
in the next hour.

Right. Hannah.

Nina.

He got better with age.
Oh, please. Seriously.

Is he...?

Divorced.

Sorry, I know you prefer them
attached.

Hey...little man.

We need to find a compromise here.

Cutting..."My ex-wife swore a lot.

"Sometimes I get offended just by
what came out of her mouth.

"For example, my best friend's
cock." That might be a start.

It's always better for the child
to see their dad. Not always.

Dad left us when you were seven.

Eight, I was eight. If he is
fundamentally a good father...

We did... It is always better
for the child. We did fine.

Start with the tweets.

Cut the tweets and we MIGHT
get him his Wednesdays back.

My client will desist with tweets

but he asks in return you consider
giving back weekends.

On the proviso that any material

that also relates directly to my
client on the marital breakdown

is removed from any live tours
or broadcasts.

A transcript of the modified
material would be provided.

Fine. It will be subject to
approval, of course.

So, let's regroup after lunch
and review.

That stuff about when he was a baby,

when Eddie was a baby and that time
when we were at your mother's and I

started to leak...

..you can keep that stuff.

You think? I snorted out my tea
when I read that bit.

Hey. How are you?

Yeah, all good, good.

The new man.

Support on my last tour.

That makes me the warm up act.

Do you need me to get lunch for you
all? I think we're fine.

Not even for Eddie?

He's here?

Eddie? Sarah was forced to bring him
with her today.

Eddie! He is here but it will not
help your case... It's Dad!

Take Sarah to my office. Eddie! Rex,
please, this isn't helping anyone.

Eddie! Stop him. You stop it.

Eddie!

Call security.

Mr Pope. I'm sorry if I upset you.

Look, I just want to see him.

That's enough.
OK, OK, OK, all right.

Hey!

Hey, all right? Eddie, it's fine,
it's OK, it's OK, buddy.

It's all right, Daddy's just...
I'm sorry, mate.

Where is he? In the boardroom.
I calmed him down.

He's not moving until he gets to
talk to Eddie.

He doesn't want lunch.
Fine, nil by mouth.

Smoke him out.

I don't want to fight.

No, you just don't want to fight
unless it's with a smile.

I'm late.

See you. Back at three.

What is bugging you today?

He's back. Dad.

I saw him.

This morning, down in the square.

You recognised him?

I wouldn't. Of course you wouldn't.

You haven't seen him since you were
seven. Eight, for the last time.

Did you speak to him?

And say what? "Where have you been
for the last 30 years?"

Does he want to see us?
I don't know.

I have to go.

Hannah. How did he look?

Old.

OK, as you all know,

we've been getting a lot of interest
from Chicago.

Obviously we're excited about
expanding...

Excuse me interrupting, but...

Nathan Stern! Christie Carmichael.

Hong Kong clearly agreed with you.

Ah, you've been keeping track of me?

You look well. You owe me a fiver.

I kept my hair.

Ah.

Xander, Nathan Stern.

Xander Hill.
You represented Nichols.

Yeah, a challenging case.
And won. Yeah.

Nathan has been instrumental in
changes to the law involving foreign

surrogates. I keep
track of you, too.

Right, well, I couldn't pass
by without kissing my wife.

Your mother, one o'clock.

Still spinning your exit
like a rabid hamster.

Enjoy your lunch.

Hello?

Um...

Would you excuse me...a moment?

David McKenzie?

Apparently he's unhappy with his
solicitor,

fortuitous that we put in a call.

First rule - all bets are off until
the letter of engagement is signed.

That's invaluable advice.

Are you coming tonight?
So you do know?

I said you'd know.
You always know everything.

At least look surprised,
if only for Rosie's sake.

No speeches, by the way.

That's... That's not good.

We had a window of opportunity
and it has been firmly closed.

Yeah, I'll sort it. We've lost him.

There's nothing to sort.

Learn from this.

It won't happen again.

No-one died.

Not yet.

You are so late.

And you are a part-time nanny.
My work here is done. Ow!

I've left Hannah,
like, five messages.

She's had a new haircut.
You've seen her?

Working on a case, we're
communicating by semaphore.

The shining Christmas,
you didn't speak till...

May. Is that when you were with
Psycho John?

Do you ever think of Dad? No.

He walked out when I was two.

After I was left by the Monkees.

That's a myth of your own making.

What you and Hannah said.

God, I hate you two.

You say things, then you say you
never said them.

You keep stuff from me.

That's because you are young
and impressionable.

I'm getting married in two months.

Exactly, how is the mouth breather,
by the way?

He has a sinus problem. Uh-huh.
And the other little problem?

He's not gay.

James is not gay.

We live in fluid times.
If he was gay, he'd say.

I'm never getting drunk with you
again.

He's gentle and you're irritating.

Essential part of my remit.
I've got to go.

Don't make a scene tonight, all
right? No inappropriate behaviour,

no getting drunk, no turning up
with randoms.

Nina! Don't get blown away!

When Nina was in my office, was the
McKenzie letter of engagement out?

Thank you. Shall we?

You can see that my client has made
considerable strides to modify.

"My ex-wife is very sexually
adventurous.

"Her favourite thing was having sex
in a public place - her vagina."

My delivery's a bit better.

I'm talking about
ex-wives in general.

"We used to enjoy doing the
mannequin challenge, or as she
called it, having sex."

I'm laughing at myself as much as
I'm laughing at you, Sarah.

No, Mr Pope, the joke is entirely on
your wife. I've cut half my act.

Misogynistic, deeply offensive, with
little attempt to meet our demands.

You have to leave me with something.
No, no more chances, Mr Pope.

I'd like to consult
with my colleague.

A word.

OK, cut to it, Hannah.
David McKenzie was my client.

Then you should have done a better
job of keeping him.

Instead you're taking it out on them
and screwing this up.

This isn't you. But it is you.
Don't ever go in my office again.

You walked out of Defoes, you don't
get to tell me what to do now.

I do, however, give my client
the best advice I can.

And I need to think about this
child.

Therefore, we retract the offer
of every Wednesday night,

and we have no intention of
extending visitation rights
to weekends.

I have got a father who is not going
to leave that boardroom until he
sees his son.

Well, remind him you bill by the
minute.

Third button, you might want to do
that up.

Have you consulted with your client
on this first? I don't need to,
she'll be in agreement.

How about yours?

Is that better for you?

And look - I'm not even smiling.

Hannah...
You need to trust me on this, Sarah.

This is what you pay me for.

Something's different today.

That's where you've been hiding.

Oh...

No!

You didn't?

Don always said he wanted them
a little bigger, so...

Carningham clinic? Yeah.

Didn't I say?

Just got to enjoy them now, love.

Oh, golly.

To Don.

Rest in peace.

Oh, sweetheart.

You nursed him until the end.

No-one could have got better care.

Drink up.

Bubbles'll die.

See you, girls. Charlie.
Bye-bye, girls.

Are you all right?

Oh, something and nothing
with Davey.

It'll be fine.

Really?

I love you, Goldie.

Don't ever forget that, OK?

Hi.

Hiya. Can you follow that cab?

Right, OK, love.

Oh, God.

You gave

man the constant help of woman.

So that man and woman should
no longer be two flesh but one.

May the love that brought us here
together today continue to grow

and mature with each passing year.

Amen.

Amen. Amen.

I know, it can be strange
when you're not used to it.

But I'm here not only to offer you
spiritual guidance but also

emotional and practical.

That's great. Sorry.

You were rude. Priests are funny.

He's a vicar. It's ridiculous.

We don't even... I believe...
Don't say it.

Do not say it.
..that there's something.

Oh, my God, are you going to say it?

I believe in Jesus.

You were the one who wanted to get
married in a bloody church.

Hannah.

You look just like your mother.

Er, did you...

Would you, er, give her this?

It is today, hmm?

Her birthday?

It didn't make the post,
so if you could.

Would you mind?

My father went out to buy a
newspaper and never came back.

I can only assume that while he was
out some catastrophic accident must
have happened

cos there's no other acceptable
reason for how he could
leave us like that.

Hannah... My father is dead.

Sarah's already gone with Eddie
but he's refusing to go home.

He's still cutting material.

Nina said she'd wait, but apparently
she's got a party to go to, so...

So I said I'd wait.

I'll deal with it. Hannah...

Go home. It's late.

OK.

There are two ways this can go.

You can continue to talk about
your ex-wife on this tour,

you can say exactly what you want,

and one day, if not now,

your son is going to
pull you up on YouTube

doing your set and he's going
to hate you for hating his mum.

Or talk about other stuff.

There must be other stuff.

Because you can't stop someone if
they want to leave a marriage...

..however hard you try
and make them stay.

And...in my experience,

it's always better...

..if he's fundamentally
a good father.

It's always better for the child
to see their dad.

Did you ever hear the one about
the stand-up and his agent?

One minute he's lying in bed,
listening to her snoring...

..and the next, he's part of a story
she will share with someone else.

And he still has to give her 10%.

You get Wednesday nights. We can
talk about weekends after that.

I got you banana.

Lovely boy.

I'm sorry.

I'm really sorry.

Do you think they ever
forgive you, children?

Let's see what we've got.

This is mine and this is mine...

Give it to me, give one to me!
No, they're mine!

Hey, Dad. Hey, you all right?
Take that for me? Mm-hm. Thanks.

Nathan!

Thank God you're here.

That very boring man
I invited for Christmas.

Hi. Hello. How are you?

Oh, sorry, happy birthday.
What's happy about it?

It's a funeral where you smell
your own flowers.

I should have died at 69,
saved us all.

Be right back. Nathan! Hey.
Give me a hug. How are you?

Have some alcohol. Nice dress.

Thank you very much, you can borrow
it later. I will, I will.

Oh, hello, James.

Hi! Are these two bothering you?

Vinnie is. All right?
No, Tilly, I'm not. OK?

Donna! Nathan.

Finally, alone at last.
Oh, yeah, promises, promises.

So she brought the manchild?

Hannah here yet?

Nope. As ever.

You are going to be MC, OK?
Oh, great, a promotion.

Last year I was on coat check.
I'll take that, thank you.

The liver can regenerate to its
full size with only 25% of itself.

That's why you're
going to be a doctor

and I'm going to keep drinking.

Why is your mother always late?

How's your boyfriend? He's good.

Sex yet?

You look...

Your zip. Can I...?

Oh.

You and Nathan today. What?

You know what.

The edge.

It's just like in moot court
when we were kids.

What happened to us? We shared
a shitty flat a long time ago.

No. No, what happened to us?

We got married.

We got babies.

I grew up. Yeah.

You did.

The night before your wedding...
No, no.

We don't talk about that night.

If this is to work,
we don't talk about that.

Right.

Nina seemed in good form.

She suggested
we grab a drink sometime.

Well, she's a cheap date.
You don't mind?

I love my husband.

That's not what I said.

Davey McKenzie.
I won't go after him.

His wife's here, boardroom eight.

You better...

I was trying to add up how many
hours I've spent married.

How many hours I've spent

listening to him,

cooking for him, washing for him,
screwing him.

I see my girlfriends checking
their husband's pockets

for hotel receipts, or the phone
for a deleted message.

And I was always so grateful
that my Davey wasn't like that.

Should have remembered he is a
businessman. He always said...

.."See, Goldie,

"little thieves get hanged,
great ones escape."

Well, not any more.

Mrs McKenzie, I believe your husband
has appointed another solicitor.

Yeah, I heard. So represent me.

Give me the divorce you would want

if you were to ever
find yourself here.

Biologically, man is not designed

to watch the mating rituals
of his children.

Oh, she's right, new hair.

Looks good. That's why I like you.

Apology? I'm going in here.

Hey. Brace yourself.

What did I do?

Oh, sorry, no, no, no, no,
not on my watch.

This music must die,
you'll kill the old people.

Give it to me. No, no more.
I'm not having it.

Mummy!

We said we'd spend more time.

What have we got to do
to get you back, eh?

Mum!

What are you doing?

Wear that.

Why?

Because there must some reason
Mum's kept all this shit.

Sexy. You look really good.

Hannah, get in here now.
Get in here now.

OK, OK.

OK, serious, serious.

Bomber jacket. Oh, really?

Yes, yes. Maybe, maybe?

Once we cut the cake
I'm out of here. OK.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Great.

Marge Simpson
meets Sunset Boulevard.

Our mother is a hoarder.

Ooh, these are prehistoric.

What are they doing out?

Oh, I thought there might be
something I could use for the
wedding.

You should have asked. OK.

Erm, please may I use your tapes?

No.

Rosabelle, back slowly away.

Don't do that, don't make me always
have to be grown-up.

These are my tapes.

Mine. You don't just take something
that is not yours and leave the rest

of us to pick up the shit.
Hannah! OK.

Um...

We're going to go downstairs to that
thing known to some as a party,

Hannah.

Did you tell her? Tell me what?
Not yet. Tell me what?

What?

OK, Rose.
You're going to cry in a moment.

But it is OK.

What, you've got a terminal illness?

I saw Dad today. What?

He just turned up. Hannah, Hannah?

What? Your moment has arrived.
Speech. Oh, shit.

Cake.

Where do I start
with Ruth Alice Defoe?

The doyenne of family law,
as quoted by the Times.

When I was younger,

a lot younger than I am now, I...

..remember you standing
in this living room,

glass of wine in hand...

..and you were dancing.

Not many of you have
seen my mother dance.

But when I was a child,

she liked to dance.

Anyway, she was dancing and I must
have asked her something like,

"What are you doing?"

And...I'll never forget your reply.

"Hannah, the thing you need to know

"in life is men will come and go.

"So the only relationship

"really worth having is the one
you have with yourself."

I've always admired that.

You've raised three children,

you built up Defoes
and you did it...

..all on your own.

But more than that, you always

made it feel like it was
just the four of us...

..against the world.

That we didn't need anyone else.

And we didn't.

Until life and love and boys...

..came along. So,

to my beautiful, strong,
indestructible mother.

Happy birthday!

Thank you. Thank you, thank you.

I love you all.

More than you will ever know.

Now, go, dance!

We will never talk of this again!

I said no speeches.

It was quite touching,
as far as speeches go.

You signed Davey McKenzie.

We need him.

Defoes needs him.

He's a shit. Davey McKenzie is a
shit and you're going to make that

divorce even shittier.
Divorce shouldn't be easy.

It's there to remind you that
however bad it is in that God-awful

state called marriage, getting out
would be an even greater hell.

Who says it has to be terrible?
There is another way. Tilly, Tilly?

You want some pizza?

Tilly. I'll take that as a yes.

Tilly, move.

I relied on you, Hannah.

I counted on you.

And you walked out.

Maybe it's because I'm tired
of being the one relied upon.

Counted on.

Be careful, Hannah.

Family is fragile.

No-one is immune to it breaking,
not even you.

And I'm afraid you'll abandon it
before it abandons you.

I blame your father for that.

Well, you can tell him.

I saw him today.

Why now?

Why does he come back now?

On the upside, he wrote you a card.

It's on the mantelpiece.

Tell your dad I'm ordering a cab.

Bye.

Children.

# And I'm healing

# And I'm happy

# Just for a moment I'm free

# Then it dawns on me

# That no time has passed... #

Hey.

# And I'm getting nowhere

# That's a fact

# To the night

# Saw what I was really like

# Start with a kiss,
end with a fight

# Come and go

# Acting like you didn't know

# That I have lost my head

# Woohoo

# Woohoo... #

# Woohoo

# Woohoo

# I swear that I'm better now

# Better now

# Better now

# Better now

# Better now. #