Original subtitles

[KNOCK ON DOOR]

Danny Kaye. Twenty seconds to curtain, Mr. Kaye.

Now there's a real pro.

Most performers are a nervous wreck before the curtain.

He takes a nap.

Danny?

Yeah, yeah, Scooter.

-Hi. -Fifteen seconds to curtain.

Oh, that's fine. Fifteen seconds until curtain.

[STAMMERING] Fifteen seconds until curtain?

I better get my makeup on.

Fifteen seconds to curtain!

♪ Oh, take me through ♪

I wonder if that's how he took his first nap.

It's The Muppet Show, with our very special guest star, Danny Kaye!

Yeah!

[BAND PLAYING THEME MUSIC]

♪ It's time to play the music ♪

♪ It's time to light the lights ♪

♪ It's time to meet the Muppets On The Muppet Show tonight ♪

♪ It's time to put on makeup ♪

♪ It's time to dress up right ♪

♪ It's time to get things started ♪

♪ Why don't you get things started? ♪

♪ It's time to get things started On the most sensational, inspirational ♪

♪ Celebrational, Muppetational ♪

♪ This is what we call ♪

♪ The Muppet Show ♪

[REFEREE'S WHISTLE BLOWS]

[CROWD CHEERING]

Thank you, thank you.

Hi there, and welcome again to The Muppet Show.

We have a sensational show for you because our special guest star

is one of our favorite people, Mr. Danny Kaye.

But first, would you believe this?

♪ When the moon is in the Seventh House ♪

♪ And Jupiter aligns with Mars ♪

♪ Then peace will guide the planet ♪

♪ And love will fill the stars ♪

♪ This is the dawning Of the Age of Aquarius ♪

♪ The Age of Aquarius ♪

♪ Aquarius ♪

♪ Aquarius ♪

♪ Let the sun shine ♪

♪ Let the sun shine in ♪

♪ The sun shine in ♪

♪ Let the sun shine ♪

-♪ Let the sun shine ♪ -Watch out!

♪ The sun shine in ♪

♪ Let the sun shine ♪

I got my hair in my face. I can't let the sun shine in.

I can't see nothing. You know where the barber shop is?

Has anybody got some clippers?

KERMIT: Hey, any sign of Statler and Waldorf?

No. It looks like they split for good.

Maybe they didn't like the acoustics.

-Why? Can't you hear what's said onstage? -Every word.

-What are you doing, Scooter? -Looking for Statler and Waldorf.

They're missing.

Hey. Hey, there they are.

Well, I tell you, it's almost as bad out here as it is inside.

Yes. Either way we're sitting around looking at garbage.

Still, I'd rather be here for this show.

Yeah. The Muppets are always about the same.

But this week's guest star... Ooh.

-What's-his-face Kaye. -Yeah. Ew.

I tell you, he is the worst performer on earth.

-You can't be certain. -I am so.

He's not the worst performer on earth.

Well, then who is?

Clive Cahuenga, the singing civil servant.

Yeah, yeah, you're right. He is pretty bad.

What an act. He sings the whole Pest Control Code in the key of F.

Mm. And he sings it again because he has to do everything in duplicate.

But what's-his-face Kaye is a little worse.

Yeah, I guess so. Yeah, yeah.

WALDORF: Wouldn't cross the street to see that guy.

[WALDORF & STATLER LAUGHING]

Hey, Danny, how's everything?

I think I need a little cheering up.

You should have been inside.

Some guy named Clive Cahuenga was knocking them dead.

And now, it's lunchtime.

[BAND PLAYING CHEERFUL MUSIC]

[TAPPING]

[SHOUTING]

Whoa! Whoa!

[BURPS]

Every show Statler and Waldorf sit up here.

Show after show after show.

Now I see why.

You see why they come?

No, I see why they left.

[PIGGY CLEARS THROAT]

[SINGS HIGH NOTE, THEN CLEARS THROAT]

Rowlfy, Rowlfy, that's too high.

Oh, okay. Try this one.

♪ Heaven ♪

[HUMMING]

That's good, Rowlf. That's very nice.

What key is that?

That's the little black one under my finger.

Rowlfy, Rowlfy. Now, now, we must do this absolutely right.

Mr. Danny Kaye has asked especially

to sing this song avec moi.

Miss Piggy?

Miss Piggy. Well, well, well.

-Hello, Miss Piggy. How are you? -Mr. Kaye. Can I call you Danny?

I couldn't wait to get here to work with you

because I have wanted to do this for a very long time.

-Daniel. I wanted to do it with you. -No, I wanted to do it with you.

-No, I wanted... Oh, Danny. -No, you, you. Oh!

-Tell me... -Yes?

Why is it that vous wanted to do this particular song avec moi?

There's a very good reason for that. You see, Piggy, dear,

I heard you sing this song once before.

Thank you. Oh, that's nice.

Some time ago I heard you sing this song

and I thought the way you did it was absolutely memorable.

That's funny. I don't remember that.

Oh, well, that was years and years and years ago.

Oh?

I think I said something wrong.

What I meant was, way back when you were thin.

[PIGGY CLEARS THROAT]

I see. Ha, ha.

Way back then, huh?

When, uh, you had your nose done.

Oh, yes, I had it made a little larger.

[BOTH LAUGH]

Listen, are you guys gonna rehearse this song?

-We're gonna do it. -All right.

Piggy, why don't you practice the song and I'll go and change my clothes.

-Oh, Daniel dear. -Oh, yes?

Yes, a true professional doesn't need to rehearse.

Well, in that case, I shall go and practice changing my clothes.

[PIGGY GROWLING]

Stand by for "Cheek to Cheek."

-Yeah, we're going. -Oh, oh, yes.

I'll see you on the...

Battlefield.

You're beautiful when you're angry.

[PIGGY GRUMBLES]

Years and years ago when you were thin, huh?

Hi-yah!

Okay, "Cheek to Cheek" is up next, "Cheek to Cheek."

Right. Beauregard, get the scenery in.

We're on in a minute. Let's go, Piggy.

I'll be there.

-Not so fast. Whoa, whoa! -Watch it, Beau!

-Okay, right onstage with that, guys. -Yes, sir, yes, sir.

Uh, Nigel. Ugh!

SCOOTER: The scenery's ready.

You guys all set?

[PIGGY AND DANNY ARGUING]

Uh...

And now, a timeless romantic duet, uh...

sung by two dear friends, I dearly hope.

Ladies and gentlemen, Miss Piggy and Danny Kaye!

[ARGUING]

[PIGGY CHUCKLES]

♪ Heaven ♪

♪ I'm in heaven ♪

♪ And my heart beats so That I can hardly speak ♪

♪ And I seem to find The happiness I seek ♪

♪ When we're out together dancing Cheek to cheek ♪

Oh!

I'm so sorry. Excusez-moi.

Well, that's all right, toi.

I just misjudged the size of your snout.

[PIGGY GROWLS]

♪ I'm in heaven ♪

♪ And the cares that hang around me Through the week ♪

♪ Seem to vanish Like a gambler's lucky streak ♪

♪ When we're out together dancing Cheek to cheek ♪

♪ Oh, I'd love to climb a mountain ♪

♪ And to reach the highest peak ♪

♪ But it doesn't thrill me half as much As dancing cheek to cheek ♪

♪ Oh, I'd love to go out fishing ♪

♪ In a river or a creek ♪

♪ But I don't enjoy it half as much As dancing cheek to cheek ♪

♪ Dance with me ♪

♪ I want my arms about you ♪

-♪ The charms about you ♪ -Let me go.

♪ Will carry me through ♪

♪ Heaven, I'm in heaven ♪

Danny.

♪ And my heart beats so That I can hardly speak ♪

♪ And I seem to find The happiness I seek ♪

♪ When we're out together dancing Cheek to cheek ♪

Oh.

♪ Oh, dance with me ♪

♪ I want my arms about you ♪

-Piggy, be careful. -♪ The charms about you ♪

Piggy.

♪ Will carry me through ♪

Oh, Piggy.

♪ To heaven ♪

-Oh, Danny. -Yes?

Singing and dancing with vous has taken away all my anger.

That's absolutely true, toi.

And I want you to know, Miss Piggy,

I'm terribly sorry that I said I knew you when you were thin.

-Oh, Danny, that's all right. -Thank you.

I never knew you when you were thin.

♪ And I ♪

♪ Seem to find ♪

♪ The happiness I seek ♪

-♪ When we're out together ♪ -♪ Out together ♪

-♪ Out together ♪ -♪ Out together ♪

♪ Out together dancing ♪

♪ Cheek to cheek ♪

Now, then, most of you probably didn't know

that the Swedish Chef had an uncle.

Uh, and neither did we until he just showed up.

Ladies and gentlemen, the Swedish Chef and his uncle.

[BOTH SINGING IN GIBBERISH]

BOTH: ♪ Bork, bork, bork ♪

[UTENSILS CLATTERING]

[BOTH SPEAKING IN GIBBERISH]

Oh, oh, ladies and gentlemen, welcome to our evening today.

We have this evening an international cooking festival

und we will prepare something which my nephew, the Swedish Chef,

will talk to you in just one minute.

Yeah. Yeah, that's his name.

[SPEAKING IN GIBBERISH]

But we call him Tom.

That's very good.

All right, now you understand, of course, Tom...

You understand what we are doing tonight.

We are taking an international dish.

We will take a Swiss turkey,

und we stuff him with Chinese ingredients,

and make a Yugoslavian chicken out of him.

No, no, no. No Yugoslavian.

-Me Swedish. -I know you are Swedish.

We are just only talking about the turkey, which we--

-No, no. Me not turkey. Swedish. -I know you're not a turkey!

We are trying to make an international dish, you understand me?

Uh... no.

Oh. All right. In that case...

[SPEAKING IN GIBBERISH]

Oh, ja, ja.

-So we need a turkey now. -The turkey.

-I get the turkey. -We will have a turkey.

I go and get the turkey.

Are you crazy? You're bringing a live turkey here?

We're supposed to cook it.

[GOBBLING]

How can you... with a live turkey...? What's the matter with you?

This turkey, we can't...

It's a nice turkey, but we can't do it.

First of all, we have to pluck all the feathers.

[GOBBLING]

It's okay. Don't be nervous.

After we pluck all the feathers, then we have to take out from him the gizzards.

You bring the live turkey.

After we take the live turkey we will do something with him.

We will open up the turkey, and we will stuff him with chop suey.

Oh, yeah, chop turkey.

[CHEF LAUGHING, TURKEY GOBBLING]

There goes turkey bird.

Let me have this here.

I will shoot the blunderfuss in here.

One, two, und a boom.

-There we are. -Oh!

Already prepared to put in your freezer.

Okay, well, now, ladies and gentlemen,

the Flying Zucchini Brothers

will hurl themselves from a height of 200 feet

into a water-filled bucket.

-Are you ready back there? ZUCCHINI: We're ready.

The Flying Zucchinis!

[CIRCUS MUSIC PLAYING]

Hey, who left my bucket on the floor?

Hey, don't move that bucket.

-[CRASHING] -Don't! Beauregard!

Beauregard!

Oh, wow. Look, there's a bag full of fruits and vegetables up here.

Hmm. Perchance Statler and Waldorf were thinking of throwing a party.

This much fruit won't go very far.

Well, they only wanted to throw it as far as the stage.

For sure.

-Hey, Kermit, how are you? -Danny, I'm fine, thank you.

You're fine, thank you?

-Are you making fun of the way I talk? -I love the way you talk.

Oh, okay.

I love the way you talk so much that I begin to talk like you.

That sounds very good.

I was wondering if I could talk you into doing one more song with us.

You wouldn't have to talk too much, Kermit.

I'd love to do another song for you.

But I tell you what. Instead of doing it on the stage,

why don't we do it back here, you see?

So, it's a song for just friends.

Oh. Well, yeah, but, uh... But... But what...?

There's nothing onstage.

[MIMICKING KERMIT] Yeah, but... There's nothing on...

Well, why don't we get something onstage?

I could go on.

That's Clive Cahuenga, the singing civil servant.

I know, Fozz, I know.

Clive, I've got a job for you.

Oh, great, but I should change to--

-Well, all right. -Come right this way.

Uh, ladies and gentlemen, for tonight's big finale,

The Muppet Show proudly presents:

Clive Cahuenga, singing to the music of Mozart,

the Municipal Vermin Abatement Code.

♪ Section one, rats ♪

♪ Subheading, infestation ♪

♪ Rodent populations in an urban area ♪

-Hey. -Uh, now, where were we?

Where were we where?

Oh, you were gonna talk about the song that you were gonna do back here.

I've got a great idea, Kermit.

Why don't we do a song we did in a movie called Hans Christian Andersen?

It's called "Inchworm."

Oh, "Inchworm." We know that song.

-You do? -Oh, sure.

-We could all sing it. -Of course.

Anybody here sing close harmony?

Well, no, but a near miss.

Here we go.

♪ Two and two are four ♪

♪ Four and four are eight ♪

That's pretty.

♪ Eight and eight are sixteen ♪

Very nice.

-♪ Sixteen and sixteen are thirty-two ♪ -Very good.

-♪ Two and two are four ♪ -♪ Inchworm, inchworm ♪

-♪ Four and four are eight ♪ -♪ Measuring the marigolds ♪

-♪ Eight and eight are sixteen ♪ -♪ You and your arithmetic ♪

-♪ Sixteen and sixteen are thirty-two ♪ -♪ You'll probably go far ♪

-♪ Two and two are four ♪ -♪ Inchworm, inchworm ♪

-♪ Four and four are eight ♪ -♪ Measuring the marigolds ♪

-♪ Eight and eight are sixteen ♪ -♪ Seems to me you'd stop and see ♪

-♪ Sixteen and sixteen are thirty-two ♪ -♪ How beautiful they are ♪

Well, look what we have here.

Come on, up on my hand.

Up, up, up.

Pick your head up and look around.

Way up.

Oh, look, isn't that pretty?

♪ Inchworm, inchworm ♪

♪ Measuring the marigolds ♪

♪ You and your arithmetic ♪

♪ You'll probably go far ♪

-♪ Two and two are four ♪ -♪ Inchworm, inchworm ♪

-♪ Four and four are eight ♪ -♪ Measuring the marigolds ♪

-♪ Eight and eight are sixteen ♪ -♪ Seems to me you'd stop and see ♪

-♪ Sixteen and sixteen are thirty-two ♪ -♪ How beautiful they are ♪

♪ Two and two are four ♪

♪ Four and four are eight ♪

-♪ Eight and eight are sixteen ♪ -♪ Seems to me you'd stop and see ♪

-♪ Sixteen and sixteen are thirty-two ♪ -♪ How beautiful they are ♪

♪ Seems to me you'd stop and see ♪

♪ How beautiful ♪

♪ They are ♪

I've got to feed the parking meter, Scooter.

I'll be back in just a few minutes.

Well, I wonder if that Kaye has done his act yet.

Thank goodness we're not there to know.

Imagine, a tuned clam player.

Mm. I hate that Manny Kaye. Ugh!

"Manny" Kaye?

-Why, it's Danny Kaye. -Sure.

-You're one of our favorites. -Oh, better than a tuned clam player?

Of course. Now I wish we had seen the show.

SCOOTER: Onstage for the closing, Mr. Kaye.

I'll be right with you.

Don't be late.

We've done it again, folks.

It's been particularly sad to come to the end of this one

because our guest star has been the one and only, Mr. Danny Kaye. Yeah!

Thank you.

Kermit, do you mind if I bring some friends along?

-What? -Eh? Come on in, fellas.

Here we go.

Are you kidding? They're part of the family.

Be with us next time when our guest will be

one of the world's greatest tuned clam players.

Kermit, just say good night.

Aah! A clam player!

We'll see you next time on The Muppet Show!

-It was great to have you, Danny. -Oh, thank you, Kermit.

[BAND PLAYING THEME MUSIC]

There was something thrilling about being in the show tonight.

Yep. Not having to watch it.