Original subtitles

(OPENING THEME MUSIC PLAYING)

- (CAT SNARLING) - (DOGS BARKING)

(SINGING) Hey, another day in my old hood

Summer started and it's gonna be so good

Hey, oh, hey

I was gonna be so cool

Then you all moved in

And got me looking like a fool, again

CHORUS: Oye, Primos

Why you all up in my face?

CHORUS: Oye, Primos

Get up out my space

CHORUS: Oye, Primos

You're wearing out my brain

You're driving me insane

Not the roll call again

Cousin Bud, Nacho and Lita

Tere, Tabi and Tonita

Scooter, Lala and Gordita

Nachito, ChaCha and Lucita

- CHORUS: Yay - TATER : No

Come on

CHORUS: Oye, Primos

(GRUNTS IN FRUSTRATION)

(TATER READING)

(FUNKY INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC PLAYING)

NARRATOR ON TV: Four eligible singles think

they have the recipe for love.

I'm looking for my Tira-missus.

You're gonna die alone.

NARRATOR: But on this island,

- some of the suitors are made... - (KISSES)

- ...of cake. - (ALARM BLARING)

No!

NARRATOR: High stakes and tasty bakes

- This is Cake Island. - (SEAGULL SQUAWKING)

That guy got caked.

Reality TV. (THUDS)

Dear Diary,

I'm seven whole days into the summer of Tater,

and I still don't know what my final form will be.

My vision board is still totally blank.

(IN BRITISH ACCENT) Right now, I'm a sad ingredient

in search of a recipe for greatness.

(IN NORMAL ACCENT) But what should I bake myself into?

(IN BRITISH ACCENT) A rad red velvet?

A terrific tres leches?

The Chosen Cheesecake?

(IN NORMAL ACCENT) A final form can be anything.

How am I supposed to choose? Where do I even start?

Hurry, Tater. We're expiring. (GROANS)

No, no, no!

(SCREAMING)

- BIG NACHO: Shh! Respect Cake Island. - Ugh!

You only respect things if you see them on TV.

- Duh. - TV tells me what to think.

NARRATOR ON TV: Cake Island is brought to you by BizKid Magazine.

WOMAN: Do you want to be on TV?

Do you wanna earn the respect of your family?

Do you want to achieve life goals before it's too late?

Then you belong on BizKid Magazine's ten Under ten list.

Oh, what's this list?

Every year, BizKid Magazine compiles a prestigious list

honoring the greatest single-digit doers.

Ten kids under the age of ten who are changing the world

with their talents and athleticism,

charity, business, ecology, arts, science

and (SHUDDERS) improv comedy.

Inspiration!

- WOMAN ON TV: Do you have what it takes? - (BEEPS)

WOMAN ON TV: Submit an audition video before Friday.

S ponsored by Zip the Crevasse.

Hang ten over Hacienda's own Grand Canyon off the I-15.

(GASPS) ten Under ten?

A cup of martial arts, a pinch of philanthropy,

a scoop of comedic timing.

This list is the direction I needed.

A recipe for success!

If I can replicate each of the feats from last year's list,

I'm guaranteed a spot on this year's.

Just the inspiration I need for my final form.

Chef's kiss!

Okay. First thing I need is a camera to record my audition.

Anybody wanna lend me their phone, eh, eh?

(GRUNTING)

I'll take that as a no.

Whatever!

I know where I can find a good old-fashioned camcorder.

Off to Buela and Pop's garage.

Wait, I will accompany you.

- You wanna help me? - Does the scientist help the lab rat?

Uh...

I want to study you.

I'm intrigued by your optimism

in the face of imminent failure.

Okay. Well, um, you're on camera duty.

(SPEAKING SPANISH)

(IN ENGLISH) If it isn't two of our favorite nietas.

Hi, Buela. Can I borrow your camcorder?

Uh...

Why is Pop flipping tires?

Is he angry at them?

(GRUNTING) No,

I actually love tires. (EXHALES)

This is his newest exercise routine.

(SPEAKING SPANISH)

(IN ENGLISH) I thought Pop only loved sleeping.

(SPEAKING SPANISH)

(IN ENGLISH) He's always trying out new things.

It's what I love most about him.

That and his six-pack abs.

I like trying new things too.

In fact, I'm mastering ten new things this week.

(SPEAKING SPANISH)

(IN ENGLISH) And what are you trying to master?

The human condition.

And human conditioning.

- Here, Tater. - Ooh!

(GOBBLING AND SWALLOWING) Mmm.

(SPEAKING SPANISH)

(IN ENGLISH) What's the rush?

Some things take years to master.

But that's part of the fun.

Last summer, I couldn't even flip a bike tire.

And now, look at me...

(SPEAKING SPANISH)

- (CRASHES) - Caliente!

(IN ENGLISH) I have my whole...

Village?

Vida means life.

Oh, wait.

My whole life?

No, no, no, no, no.

I only have until Friday to submit my audition

for the ten Under ten list.

Luckily, I've got a secret weapon.

A training montage.

That's not very scientific.

(UPBEAT SONG PLAYING)

(SINGING) You think it should be easy

Just a simple recipe

But my observations show

- You lack the skills and the technique - (HUFFING)

Dedication, concentration

- Just nowhere to be seen - (MONKEYS GIBBER)

To put it more specifically

You're failing scientifically

Need an education Not imagination

To achieve any goal

Can't just try and fake it You will never make it

That's not how the story goes

Without the proper tools

You're gonna play the fool

To put it more specifically

You're failing scientifically

Failure, ouch. Failure, ouch.

Failure.

(SLOBBERING)

The subject is no longer cheese-motivated.

- (FAINTLY) Help. - Failure achieved.

(GAGS)

Ten Under ten.

Earn the respect of my primos.

My face on TV!

You will always be a failure.

(SCREAMS) Don't say that. (GROANS)

Time is running out. Gotta strategize.

(GRUNTING)

Ah-ha! Now, that's a strategy.

(LAUGHS MANIACALLY)

I'll ride a unicycle

over a zip line across the Crevasse

on rollerblades,

doing a hyper-realistic painting with one hand,

and making souffle with the other,

all while bottle-feeding the cute tarantula from the garage.

I'll take all ten spots

on the ten Under ten list.

And my face will be on every TV in the world!

And I'll earn the collective respect of all my primos.

ALL: Tater, you finally earned our collective respect.

(LAUGHING MANIACALLY) Yes! Yes!

The lab rat has gone mad.

Hiss!

I'll show you mad...

Mad skills!

You will see me, Tater, doing something so incredible,

I'll prove your (MOCKINGLY) scientific calculations

(IN NORMAL VOICE) wrong!

Now, come with me to the Crevasse!

(IMITATES ECHO) Crevasse! Crevasse!

Crevasse.

(IN NORMAL VOICE) Can someone drive me to the Crevasse?

I'll drive you, chiquitita. But first...

(SPEAKING SPANISH)

(BOTH SLURPING)

(IN ENGLISH) Thanks, Pop.

(ALL CLAMORING)

Oh, Hacienda's very own Grand Canyon.

Such natural majesty, man.

- Majesty and, potentially, tragedy. - (WIND HOWLING SOFTLY)

(OMINOUS MUSIC PLAYING)

Hey. What's crack-a-lacking?

The zip line is open, but the restroom is out of service.

- (BATS SCREECHING) - (FLIES BUZZING)

Those stinking bats.

Aw, it's a great day to zip, man.

BIG NACHO: Can't wait to see her wipeout.

It's okay. Keep breathing.

Visualize success.

You'll be on TV. (WHIMPERS)

(WHIMPERING) Oh, oh! What? What? What?

(SCREAMING)

(GRUNTS AND GASPS)

- Oh! - (SPIDER SCREECHES)

(ROARS)

(ALL LAUGHING)

You finally made it on TV,

as a failure!

The only list you belong on is the Lamoes Under ten list.

(ALL LAUGHING)

(GULPS)

(VULTURE SCREECHES)

You ready, kid?

Uh... (LAUGHS NERVOUSLY)

Wait, wait, wait.

- Finish your jugo de nopal. - (SLOSHING)

(BOTH SLURPING)

Mmm, ah. You know, chiquitita,

when I'm dehydrated,

I make rash decisions like

doing a dangerous stunt that I'm not prepared for.

(BURPS)

Por suerte, your Buela's always there to pour me some jugo de nopal.

Entonces, I can see things more clearly.

Y tambien, it fills my bladder.

Winky.

- Huh? Oh. - (BLADDER GROWLS)

Oh, wow, you're right.

I really gotta pee.

(SPEAKING SPANISH)

(IN ENGLISH) The nearest restroom is out of service.

I guess we gotta drive back home.

(SPEAKING SPANISH)

It looks like you won't be able to do this completely loco stunt.

Oh.

Oh!

Thank you, Pop.

(SPEAKING SPANISH AND LAUGHING)

(IN ENGLISH) I gotta pee too.

ALL: Aw!

Boo!

My calculations were correct.

Tater's face will never be on TV.

I wish I didn't have to disappoint the primos.

I think I can hold it for, um, cinco minutos.

- Can you? - Mmm-hmm.

Don't worry, you'll get your show.

What's he talking about?

He's going to do the stunt himself.

(FANFARE PLAYING)

(SPEAKING SPANISH)

(IN ENGLISH) Check out these mad skills.

(ALL GASPING)

Hmm...

Ooh, ah!

I do.

Ugh! Every time?

- (ALL GROANING) - Told you they were cake.

NARRATOR ON TV: Cake Island is sponsored by...

WOMAN: BizSenior Magazine introduces

the incredible newest honoree

of the seven Under 70 list,

Pop Ramirez.

I have to give all the credit and inspiration

to my granddaughter.

WOMAN: Thanks for the inspiration, Local Girl.

I'm on TV. I'm Local Girl.

(ALL CHEERING)

I respect that.

GORDITA: You've earned this.

You're not like the other lab rats.

(SQUEAKING)

I think I'm still gonna try and develop these skills.

At least, now I have inspiration

and have all summer to figure out what I'm actually good at.

Thanks for helping me realize this, Pop.

I love you. (SIGHS)

Huh?

You just got caked.

(ALL LAUGHING)

Cake Pop.

(TATER READING)

- (NEIGHS) - (SPEAKING SPANISH)

(PEOPLE CLAMORING)

(SHOUTING INDISTINCTLY)

(GRUNTING)

- Not another sock war, man. - (ALL CLAMORING)

(ALL GRUNTING)

(LAUGHS)

(BOTH GRUNTING)

Fear the Palo De Poder!

- I'm a pacifist, man. - (SHOUTING)

Aw, yeah?

"Any other day, she's lucky if she catches a sardine.

"But today, she reeled in a man."

- (THUDS) - Hey!

Cut it out, guys.

The sock war is disturbing my spicy reading time.

(IN SING-SONG VOICE) Laundry day.

Hey, hijita. What you got there?

- Picture books? - Psh, what am I, a child?

Behold Romancimorphs Vol. three.

The Merman and Me.

(IN BRITISH ACCENT) It's, uh, sophisticated young adult literature.

(IN NORMAL ACCENT) So can you pretty please

buy me the fourth series?

Hija, you have so many books.

Maybe you should make room by getting rid of a few.

What? No. Books are my family.

Can I, uh,

get rid of Nellie instead?

Aw. (MOCKINGLY CRYING)

I would love that.

Hijita, stop with las preguntas, por favor.

No new books until you've parted with some old ones.

Ugh! Get rid of my books?

What I supposed to do?

Give them away like day-old bagels?

Oh, yeah.

Just like Bagel boy.

This kid got on the ten Under ten list

by giving away 10,000 bagels to the hungry.

- And a few ducks. - (QUACKS)

Mmm, I guess I could try the giveaway thing

if it gets me something in return.

But which ones?

(ALL SINGING) Happy birthday, dear Tater

Happy birthday to you

(GASPS)

(ROARS PLAYFULLY)

I'll always be here for you, Tater.

Junko Tabei was the first woman to climb Mount Everest.

- Whoa! - See?

Junko was a brave lady.

- Just like you'll be one day. - (GIGGLES)

Yeah, I'm gonna be just like her.

These little kid books belong to past Tater,

and I don't know her.

I wish I didn't know you.

Maybe this is part of my final form.

One day I will be known as Saint Tater...

(ALL CHEERING)

...patron saint of books.

Now I just need to find some minds in need of enlightenment.

(GIGGLING)

Or a couple of primos.

(LAUGHING)

(CLAMORING)

Tater, are you gonna play with us?

Yeah. Check out these cool tricks I can do con palo de poder.

Not today, youngster.

Today is a different day.

A special day. You get to choose

to stay in your humdrum little lives or

free your minds.

Humdrum life! Humdrum life!

Wait. I mean you're getting books.

Free books.

ALL: Yay!

You get a book, and you get a book, and you get a book!

I love free stuff!

To Lucita, I bestow The Nose Knows.

Fresh picked just for you.

Nachito, I bestow upon you these illustrated biographies.

You'll notice a mix of sweet and...

Sweet? Is it about candy?

No, It's about Junko Tabei, the first woman to get

to the top of Mount Everest.

- Anyway, ChaCha... - (SNARLS)

- I... Um... - (SNARLING)

(MUFFLED) Wait what? (SNIFFING)

- Hmm... - Yeah.

Smell that, ChaCha?

(INHALES) That's the smell of culture.

Savor it.

My work here is done.

Tater, you're my hero.

I'm no hero.

I do it all for the children.

But I do expect an oral report from each of you about how I...

I mean, how the books changed your lives.

(SNICKERING)

Fantasy romance, here I come.

Aw.

Poor sweet old-school Taties.

You need to graduate to audiobooks like me.

See? Hands free.

Ugh, that's unnatural.

Just saying. It'd save you from seeing your books

die by sticky hands.

But maybe you're just a bigger person than I am.

Metaphorically.

Or maybe I know that our sweet little primos

will cherish my gift of books.

(RIPPING)

Ugh, that's some loud cherishing, huh?

(GASPING)

Improper use of a (DISTORTED) semicolon.

- No! - (RIPPING)

(GIGGLING) Get ready for the (DISTORTED) penalty shot.

- (GASPING AND GROANING) - (CHACHA CHOKES)

(RETCHING)

(BURPING) ChaCha.

Tater, why?

(GAGS) I think I'm gonna be sick.

Ooh, here. I've got you with this book.

(GRUNTING AND SCREAMING)

Okay, this is over!

The book gala's concluded. Thanks for playing.

- Hey! - I thought you gave them to us.

Don't worry, little books.

I'm here. I'm taking you back home.

(CLEARS THROAT)

Nachito's right.

You gave them the books, and they're not yours anymore.

But... But... But...

But maybe you could teach your primos

to be a little bit more careful.

But that's impossible.

It's like trying to teach a merman to mambo.

Merman to mambo?

What have you been reading?

Gah, it's uh... Nothing. I mean, uh...

Fine, I'll teach the primos.

Ah? Mmm-mmm. Hmm?

(GROANING)

Hmm?

(HUMMING)

(GASPS)

(SHUDDERING) Oh!

Okay. (SIGHS)

(GASPS)

Okay. (BREATHING HEAVILY)

(GASPING)

(PANTING)

- (GRUNTING) - (TRAIN HORN BLARES)

Oh, Merman.

Even your majestic countenance can't soothe my weary soul.

Hmm?

(STAMMERS) Wait. Is that...

Junko Tabei?

(YELPS AND GRUNTS)

First, Lucita with her crayon,

then ChaCha with her teeth,

and now this?

I want vengeance!

(COOING)

TATER: Oh, Lucita!

(LAUGHING MANIACALLY)

(GASPS) Wow! Now they're red pandas.

Thanks, Tater.

(GRUNTING)

(SNORING)

TATER: Hey, ChaCha.

You bite my books, I bite your toys.

(SNARLING)

(SPITS)

A tooth for a tooth, ChaCha.

ChaCha. (LAUGHING)

- ChaCha and ChaCha. - Huh?

Oh, she wants you to break in the rest for her.

You must have some good chompers.

Ugh! Darn these resilient primos.

Their spirits are harder to break than I estimated,

but my next attempt will not fail.

(LAUGHING EVILLY)

So, Nachito,

if you ever wanna see your precious palo de poder again,

look where cut grass and fruit peels unite

to make the ultimate stink bomb.

You have until 3:00 p.m. When it'll disappear

forever! (LAUGHING MANIACALLY)

(GASPS)

(SNICKERING)

Now, to lurk and witness justice unfurl. (LAUGHS)

Justice unfurling any minute now.

(VEHICLE APPROACHING)

(HONKING)

Garbage truck. Where is he?

(GRUNTING)

Gah! I want justice, not regret.

(GRUNTING)

BIG NACHO: (CHUCKLES) Que onda, trash potato?

You lose a bet or something?

(SIGHS) No.

I just lost my sense of right and wrong for a minute.

Uh, what are you doing with el palo de poder?

I, uh, was playing a joke on Nachito.

I left him a note telling him where to find it,

but he never showed up.

Oh, well, he probably couldn't read your note.

- What? Why? - It's too early to tell.

But Dad thinks that Chito might be dyslexic, like me.

Wait, you guys can't read?

No, tonta! We can read.

It's just a lot harder for us than other people.

Which makes it less fun. Get it?

I... I had no idea.

Yeah, I get it.

(GASPS) El palo de poder.

Ugh, why does it taste like bananas?

I'm sorry, Nachito.

I've been a bad prima today.

No, Tater. I'm the bad one.

I know I ruined your books, but I got frustrated.

I even taped one in the shower

so I could practice reading while I did my shampoo.

It didn't help, though.

Don't give up, Nachito.

Books are incredible.

In books, you can travel the world,

have adventures,

- romance merpeople. - Merpeople?

Um, what I'm trying to say is books are amazing.

I can't let you miss out.

I don't wanna miss out.

I just wish I could read books on my own.

Hmm... (GASPS)

I'll be right back.

- (GRUNTING) - Hey, are there any tricks

that could help Nachito read on his own?

Well, (GRUNTING) at school it really helps

when my teacher reminds me how certain letters sound.

(GRUNTING) Oh.

And something to keep my place as I read helps too.

All right, Nachito.

This book is your Everest

and el palo de poder will keep you on the trail.

- Huh? - You wanna see what I mean?

Okay, this first word starts with a B.

You know the sound that makes?

Uh...

- Buh? - You got it.

Born in J... J...

J... Japan!

(NACHITO GRUNTING)

Whoa!

Gotcha.

(GRUNTS)

Nachito, you made it to the summit.

Just like mighty mountaineer Junko.

I did it.

I did it! Yes.

Thank you, prima.

It's my pleasure, primo.

(YODELING)

- I did it! - (LAUGHING)

Tater, you helped me.

Wow, this feels great.

There really is nothing like sharing your passion.

And speaking of passion, (CHUCKLES)

The Merman and Me awaits.

Ooh, can I try reading this one?

Oh, uh, sure.

Let me see if I can find some Nachito-friendly parts.

Eh... No.

Oof, definitely not that.

Um, maybe you can read the back cover for now.

(CLOSING THEME MUSIC PLAYING)