Original subtitles

L.A. is like nowhere.

Everybody who lives here is lost.

- Hey, Dark. - Hey, what, Mel?

You want me to...?

Huh, yeah, huh.

Well, then...

Beg for it.

Beg me.

- My name's Montgomery. - Hi.

You've got the deepest, blackest eyes I've ever seen.

It's like I could just tumble right into them

and fall forever.

I just love the smell of fear and boy

mixed together.

Don't you, Kriss?

What are you gawking at?

Looks like we've got a deviant on our hands here, Kozy.

We just hate, hate, hate

any sort of deviation from the norm.

Deviants are the scourge contaminating

this great nation.

Dark!

Dark, are you in there flogging the puppy again?

Let me in. I gotta wash this crap off my face.

Mom, can you wait just a sec, please?

Honey, I have to rot my life away

in a nine-to-five hellhole

to support your lazy juvenile-delinquent ass, remember?

Sweetheart.

Chipmunk.

My little ray of sunshine.

Open up this mother-humpin' door now!

Jesus, can you hold on?

Cripes, it's as soggy as an armpit in here.

How long have you been in that shower abusing yourself?

You pump your handle too much, young man,

it's gonna wither up and fall off.

Shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up!

Bitch.

Ew!

Mel, I gotta make a documentary about somebody I care about,

and it's due next Wednesday.

And whoever said you care about me anyways?

Didn't I give you my Cap'n Crunch decoder ring back in the sixth grade?

That was Angelique Tewksbury, dorkball.

Oh. Hey, take your shirt off.

Come on, it'll give Professor Starkweather a boner and he'll give me an A.

I'm sure. Take your Prozac, Dark.

What's the matter, you scared?

No.

Think of the scandal.

Everyone in class will be all outraged.

- Is this what you wanna see? - Oh, yeah.

Man.

City Morgue, you stab 'em, we slab 'em.

S'up, bonzo dog breath?

Need a ride to class?

Nah, I'm not going.

Dark, you are totally gonna bite

the whole eight credits you're retaking this semester.

I got some editing to do on my 101 project.

Then I'll probably head to the Hole for some chow.

Oh, maybe I'll go with. I just got my period.

I'm in full-tilt pig-out mode.

Oh, and make sure you edit my boobs out.

I do not want every wally on campus ogling my chimichangas.

Hey, Lucifer's not with you, is she?

I cannot stomach seeing her butt-ugly likeness

this early in the day.

Lick my box, Rover.

Clean the maggots out of it first, you stinky oyster.

You guys.

I mean it, Mel.

I do not want to have to look at that tarantula woman

over my morning espresso.

Don't be a seizure queen.

I'll pick you up in like 15.

Mel, I told you I'm editing.

See ya, lover boy.

How can you continue to frog that annoying butt loaf

when you have someone as sexy and rad as me around?

What would life be without a little mystery?

- Mel? - Quoi?

You wenches done in there or what?

I gotta whiz like a busted fire hose.

Finale.

Oh, if it isn't widdle baby Zero.

Cut it out.

Bye.

Gross, huh?

So you hittin' Jujyfruit's party tonight?

Puleez, Zero, how did you hear about it?

Hey.

You're not invited, shrimp skin.

You're barely old enough to shave.

Felch me.

Come on, I got a date with Zoe, and she totally wants to go.

I already scored the car from Mom.

Life sucks.

I've got the skeeviest zit sprouting

right in the middle of my forehead.

It's gonna be a full-on third eye by the time we get to Jujyfruit's party.

I hate that.

What I hate is when you get a zit way down on your back in a spot

where you can't even reach to pop it.

If you pop a zit on your forehead,

you can get blood poisoning and die, you know.

Lucifer, you are so dumb

you should donate your brain to a monkey science fair.

I read it in Mouth to Mouth, squirtle fungus.

Mel, what's this?

What?

Dark being born.

Mature.

Yuk, yuk, yuk.

Whoa, Mel, back it up.

What?

Just back up, all right?

Need a lift?

Well...

You're in my modern society class, aren't you?

Yeah, I think.

Name's Dark. It's Dark, like absence of light.

Or dork like we call him.

Cram it, fur burger.

This is Mel.

The loudmouth hag is Lucifer.

Mont... Montgomery.

We're on our way to the Hole for some breakfast.

You wanna join?

I... I kind of have a class.

We'll eat quick and drop you.

Come on.

So what's with the camcorder? Are you in film class?

Dark thinks he's gonna be the next Clive Barker. Right.

Eat my turbo, will you, Lucifer?

Actually, I'm convinced I'm gonna die soon

in like a spectacular plane crash, fire, chemical explosion,

and I'm gonna film it so there'll be this cool record of my own death

- because I take my camera wherever I go. - Isn't that just so bitchin'?

Will you please just shut up?

- How do you know? - Know what?

That you're gonna, you know, die?

I feel it.

Like a prenomination.

You mean premonition?

- Whatever. - No, I don't understand.

How can you have one if you don't even know how to pronounce the friggin' word?

I'm about to lose my temper, Lucifer,

and I am gonna deck you.

- Come on. - You guys.

Alyssa.

Oops.

Clumsy me.

Hi, Montgomery.

What are you doing here?

Aren't you supposed to be in Thermonuclear Catastrophes class?

Yeah, well...

Hey.

Do you know what today is?

Friday?

No, dodo bird.

It's Armageddon Day,

the day the world's supposed to end.

Like, have you ever heard of the rapture?

The Siouxsie and the Banshees album?

No, it's like this radical religious movement

in South Cambodia,

and all these thousands of people are giving up their worldly possessions

and leaving their families, all in preparation

for the rapture,

ascending into heaven on the day that Christ returns to earth

and the world is destroyed.

And according to those scriptures,

today is that day.

So, like, what are we supposed to do?

I don't know.

Alyssa, are you gonna join us back here on planet Earth

sometime this decade or what?

- Hi, Dingbat. - Hi.

Hey, Montgomery. Hi.

Alyssa, me and Egg have been waiting for like eons.

I'm coming.

Hey, Dingbat?

Can you help me study for my History of Lethal Epidemics midterm?

Yeah, um, Sunday, 9-ish.

- Cool. - Cool.

Are you going to the Kick the Can game today?

Duh, yes.

Come on, I'm fully prepared to pork major.

- Bye, Montgomery. - Bye.

See ya.

I gotta burn these calories fast before I blow up.

Let's go rollerblading or something.

I'd rather have my ball hairs burned off with an acetylene torch.

Well, that can be arranged.

I'd better get back to class.

Are you okay, man? You look kind of pale.

Yeah, I'm fine.

I... I gotta go.

Well, we're on our way out. We'll drive you.

Are you sure you don't wanna come with?

- I think I'm gonna go to the record store. - How now, brown cow?

Cowboy.

Hoo-yah.

Hi.

So I'll see you later?

Yeah.

- You guys playing Kick the Can tonight? - Huh?

Kick the Can at 10:00 on the old baseball field.

- Before Jujyfruit's party, man. - You're gonna be there, right?

Sure.

Let's evacuate, please.

Hey, don't forget our gig at the Buttcrack next Wednesday.

Who's opening?

Sandy Duncan's Eye and Jayne Mansfield's Head.

Bogue.

I met the drummer for Sandy Duncan's Eye at a party.

Reeks like a barnyard animal.

So come late, then, and just see us.

Bye.

Hey, have you seen Bart around today?

You know, we were supposed to rehearse this morning,

and he, like, totally flaked again.

Barty boy, I haven't seen you in a golden age.

Yeah, I've been busy.

Busy jonesin', you mean, huh?

Whatev.

Come on, Handjob, quit screwin' around.

Hey, Bart, to whom do we owe the pleasure?

Hi, Kriss, Kozy.

We were hopin' you were here for an appointment.

Actually, me and Handjob were just conducting a bit of business.

Oh, bummer.

Isn't that a humongous bummer, Kriss?

Bart's here for my brand of bliss today, ladies.

I don't know what to do.

It's hard enough being in a band with your boyfriend,

but when stuff like this starts happening,

I mean, what am I supposed to do, fire him?

You break up, at least.

Okay, ladies.

Scarf.

So what's up with my video, man?

I'm still in the conceptualizing stages.

Don't worry, it's gonna blow your testes off.

Yeah?

You and Bart are, like, trapped inside this, like, gigantic slimy uterus.

Glug.

Are you gonna...?

I promised my mom I'd stop for a week. You?

I'm just gonna do a bunch of speed later

and not eat for like three days.

Oh, I'm... I'm...

I'm... sorry. Sorry.

Isn't that...?

Oh, my God.

Well, I guess I better go and hunt for him.

Can you drop me at Aran's?

I wanna score the new Dead Puppies CD.

Sure.

Wait. I'm sorry.

- The door was unlocked and I... - Forget about it.

What's your name?

Egg.

Well, I mean, my real name's Polly,

but my friends all call me Egg.

Egg?

Dweebie, I know, but it just kind of stuck.

Well, hi, Egg. I'm...

I know who you are, duh.

I'm not from another dimension.

He looks shorter in person.

Well, so what? He's still the total definition of yummy.

Oh, my God, what did he say?

Nothing, really.

He just... He invited me to go for a walk.

What?

Hey, did you hear what happened to Marcus?

His butthole fell out, and he has to have surgery.

Oh, Henry.

Oona-eye!

Let's go.

Are we still in reality?

My palm itches.

Where's your twin brother, Shad?

Death.

Cool.

Have I ever told you that I love you?

Stow it and pay the lady, Shad.

Watch out, breeders!

Watch out yourself, you freakin' lezbots.

Eat my Bermuda triangle, Shad.

Whoo!

Race!

Oh!

Ouch. You all right?

Kill.

Ow.

Hey, look who it is.

Hey, Jana, isn't that your muff-diving little sister

over there with her disgusting Bosco-flavored girlfriend?

Insert it in your clammy crevice, will you, Shannon?

Hey, I think I need to pump up again.

I could use a firm-up too.

Pukity.

Kiss it and make it better.

So what are you gonna wear to Jujyfruit's party tonight?

Clothes.

Can I borrow your Human Sexology notes from last Friday?

Am I like the only person

on this cosmic plane who ever goes to class?

Hey, do you think Montgomery likes me?

He's weird.

- You think? - Oh, Alyssa.

- Hey, Ducky. - Hi, Ducky.

I just woke up.

Really?

- You guys hear Muriel's in Cedars-Sinai? - Who's Muriel?

My stepmom.

She's like way anorexic.

Passed out in her low-impact aerobics class,

and they had to carry her out on a stretcher.

Oh, drag.

So you guys gonna be at the Kick the Can game later?

I am.

- Later, tater tots. - Right.

Hi, Elvis.

Where you been?

Places. Get on.

What does she see in that scuzzball?

You smell like a wet dog.

- Complaining? - Nope.

Meow.

Hey, you seen Egg?

It's her turn to recycle the aluminum.

Oh, my God, you haven't heard?

Your sister just left here with... You're not even gonna believe this.

Do you ever watch Baywatch?

Do you think this is completely freaky or what?

What?

You know, hanging out with me like this.

Well, it's a little surreal, I guess.

You have no idea how sucky it is

being, like, a celebrity.

Everybody treats you like you're not even a person anymore,

like you're this thing, this entity.

You're eating dinner in some restaurant or going to the movies or whatever

and people just stare and point at you and start whispering to their friends

like you're some exhibit in a freak show.

- Wow. - That's why I like being with you.

I mean, I don't know you that well or anything, but you seem,

I don't know, different, neat.

Thanks.

- Do you wanna sit? - Sure.

Oh, my God. Jujyfruit's party's tonight,

and I have no clue who to go with.

- What about Jason? - I'm going with Jason.

Well, then I'll go with Tomas.

I thought you were going with Tomas.

Tomas has a dinky weenie.

You did Tomas?

Ew, I'm sure, gross.

I thought Jason was doing Tomas.

Jason's doing that Valley slut hole, Ilene Schwartzkopf.

- Untrue. Says who? - Ilene.

And you believe her? Hello? She lives in Whittier.

If Jason did Ilene, then he must've done Richard.

Who's Richard?

Ilene's other scag.

Like, she's totally into these kinko three ways.

Ilene is a whore.

Is Richard the surfer with the harelip that drives the black Jetta?

No, he's got a Lexus.

I thought he hung himself.

No, he's, like, totally gorgeous.

Plus he's got a Lexus.

- Is he gay? - Who, Jason?

- Richard? - Tomas.

Well, duh, what do you think, dingleberry?

I swear, Trudi, you can be so...

Yeah, I wanna write and direct.

I have to ensure that the artistic integrity

of this project isn't compromised.

Ah, first thing Monday.

Mm-hm, I ever so solemnly swear.

Okay.

Ciao.

GF Christ, hold on.

Coming.

- Where is he? - Uh...

- Where is he? - Uh...

He was here like an hour or so ago,

but, um, eh, no, man, he's not here now.

See, Barty boy has left the building.

- Where'd he go, man? - Uh...

- Did he say where he was going? - Heaven.

He said he was taking a hike

up the old stairway to heaven.

Bye.

My hat.

Where's my hat?

So are you in school?

Studying...?

I don't know, nothing.

Well, I mean, a bunch of stuff.

Nothing specific.

Just as long as you're not in the industry.

I've sworn off all actresses, models, D-girls, you name it. Forever.

I have this fantasy.

It's probably cornball or romantic, I know, but...

sometimes I just wanna disappear,

meet up with someone special and just run away,

never be heard from again.

Don't you think that'd be killer?

Uh-huh.

Me too.

I figured you'd be here.

Hey, dude.

Bart, you promised me, man.

Sorry.

Cowboy, I'm really sorry.

Bart, you've got to get clean, man.

You've got to or it's all over.

Okay, you, me, the band, the whole falafel.

I will, Cowboy. You know I will.

I mean it this time, Bart.

Come here.

Come up here.

No, man.

Just get clean.

I'll do anything to help you through it, but we cannot do this anymore.

You get it?

No more.

I love you, dude.

Fuck.

- Thirsty? - Dyin'.

So how you doin', smiley?

Okay.

Now.

Mel?

Dark?

I love you, Mel.

Totally true and pure.

Mutual.

I just wish we didn't get together

with, like, so many other people and stuff.

Palooka, you know

that I firmly believe

that human beings are built

for sex and for love

and that we should dole out as much of both as possible

before we're old and ugly and nobody wants to touch us anymore.

I know.

And just because I make it

with other guys and girls,

that has no effect whatsoever

on my feelings for you.

Sometimes I feel so old-fashioned

and from another planet.

But it's like I'm half a person without you.

You're so cute.

Life is so complicated.

I wrote a poem for you last night.

Want me to read it to you?

No.

Hey, Elvis, do you believe in God?

I don't believe in anything.

You have to believe in something.

No, I don't.

Tie me up.

Okay, Mr. Kinky.

This okay?

Tighter.

Tighter!

Now the pants, baby, the pants.

Okay, now spank me, baby.

Spank my hot, tight, rock-hard ass!

Harder!

Harder!

Harder!

Uh, Elvis, uh,

I, uh... I love you.

Ditto, hug bunny.

I love you, Lilith.

I love you more than life, more than death.

More than time, more than space, I love you.

I love you!

I bet you say that to all the girls.

Mommy!

Mommy! Mommy!

- Daddy! Daddy! - Mommy!

- Daddy! - Mommy!

- Daddy! - Mommy!

- Mommy! - Daddy!

In this world of depravity and perversion,

who is the only one that can lead you out of the muck,

out of the dank, filthy swamp

that mankind has fool-heartedly sunken into?

Jesus.

Jesus, Jesus, Jesus,

who died on the cross for our sins.

Welcome Jesus into your lives, brothers and sisters,

so that he can show you the way

into the true kingdom of God.

I read someplace that that dude's got like 12 wives.

I think I'm drunk.

Most excellent.

To destiny.

- Hey. - What?

You are so beautiful.

Wait, stop.

Don't play little innocent virgin with me, babe.

You want me, admit it.

You wanna make it with me so you can go back

to your little slutter friends and say, "I just screwed a big star.

Aren't I just so bitchin'?"

No!

No, please, don't, don't, don't.

Please, don't.

What are you gonna do?

What are you gonna do to me? No!

Sir? Excuse me, sir.

Is everything all right?

Yeah, everything's fine.

I just knocked over a chair by accident.

Sorry to bother you, sir. Have a good evening.

Thanks.

Well, that was a close call, now, wasn't it?

But tonight, tonight is your lucky night, little Egg,

because you're gonna get the best doggin' of your perky, pathetic little life,

and you're gonna love every single second of it.

You're gonna feel like you just died and went straight to heaven.

Ah!

My dear, sweet and tender Bart.

How do you spell "relief"?

Isn't sex just the best tension release there is?

It's like a really good, sweaty game of racquetball,

only you get to come at the end.

I adore you.

What a nice thing to say.

Why don't we just bout the Kick the Can game

and hide away here in my room forever?

What time is it?

No way.

I was supposed to pick up Lucifer 20 minutes ago.

Mel.

She is totally gonna roast my rump.

Mel.

Angel boy, I gotta go.

Mel, wait a second.

Will you marry me?

You are too precious for words.

Okay.

I'll see you at Kick the Can,

and don't forget it's your turn to provide the X.

Love you, pooh butter. Bye.

Zero?

Yeah, Zoe, it's me.

Be right down.

Hey, homie, why so jumpy?

I... I just... Nothing.

Mm, strawberry.

I missed you.

You just saw me the day before yesterday, kumquat.

So I missed you anyway.

You mean Gilligan here missed me?

We both did.

You're our favorite person in this whole wide scuzz-bucket world.

You're the sweetest boy ever.

So did you get the address of Jujyfruit's party?

- Uh... - Zero!

Hey, would I ever let you down?

It was great.

I won't forget.

Thank you.

Miracle AIDS cure turns out to be a hoax.

The Atari Gang continue their reign of terror in the city,

and Palos Verdes City Councilwoman Andrea Sperling

insists her teenage son was kidnapped

and experimented on by space aliens.

And now a word from our sponsor.

Tough tits, dickweed. You're it.

Tabitha time.

One, two, three,

four, five, six, seven,

eight, nine, ten.

...11, 12, 13, 13, 13.

...17, 18, 19, 20.

There it is, babe.

The vast and arid wasteland

of glittering filth, emptiness and death.

Hooray.

Hey, did you hear about that old guy

in Brentwood who croaked

and then by the time his neighbors found him,

his dog had eaten half his face off.

Dogs eating people is cool.

Let the love feast begin.

- Occupied, dude. - Sorry.

Hey, you guys goin' to Jujyfruit's party?

Buzz off, twerp.

Goddamn chipmunks.

Now what?

Uh-uh.

Right there.

There.

Tastes good?

I just love the milk-chocolaty goodness.

Come out, come out, wherever you are.

What a goombah.

- You see him? - He's 50 feet from the can.

He's so blitzkrieged he's, like, staggering around.

Ducky? What?

Have you ever, like...

It's none of my business or anything,

but I kind of heard this rumor

that you're kind of, like, waiting for the right person.

That is not true.

Okay, I've done it.

I'm so sure.

With who?

Lots of people a bunch of different times, okay?

Oh.

What did you do that for?

I think you chipped my tooth.

Come on.

Free!

Cripes, don't bust your ball sac.

Uh...

Uh, you scared me.

Obvious.

Has Dark been through here yet?

No.

Well, Ducky and Dingbat are already free.

Dark is so swacked he's already doing the Cujo.

You know, the Cujo?

Oh. Oh.

Well, later.

Don't let the boogeyman get you.

Right.

Jesus, Cowboy.

Yum.

It's your turn.

Yabba dabba doo.

Let's go, baby.

Let's go, go, go.

Oh, God, Lilith, your mouth feels like I'm dipping my joystick

into boiling hot oil.

You dig sucking on that one-eyed python, don't you, darling?

I wanna die!

Let's all die!

What is it?

Nothing, I just...

Elvis, have you ever wondered what would happen

if the big earthquake hit

and all the nuclear power plants

in California blew up?

I mean, what would they do

with all the hundreds of thousands of dead bodies?

Babycakes, let's go back to sleep.

I've read all the books and listened to all the tapes

on how to get rich.

...bombed a guerrilla base, killing at least 49 soldiers

and 13 civilians.

Polly, honey, everything all right?

I'm fine, Dad.

You want something to eat?

We saved you some shepherd's pie.

No, thanks. I'm not very hungry.

You sure?

We can heat it up in the micro.

Thanks, Dad, really.

I ate already with Alyssa and Dingbat.

Maybe later, then.

Okay.

...and wear this in high style, 3729, $34.95.

Are you lost my, little lambs? Confused?

Don't know which way in this world to turn?

Back in a flash.

Damn.

Godzilla? You there, man?

Pick up, pick up, come on.

Hey, you gotta help me out, man.

I need the address for that party tonight

at that Jujyfruit dude's place,

so when you get this message,

leave the address on my machine,

and I'll beep in.

Thanks, homes.

Once we get there, I'm gonna rip Jujyfruit's balls off

and wear them as beef earrings.

Yeah, well, they're not gonna go with those shoes, you low-rent whore.

- Where's the crystal? - Yes.

- Who's got the crystal? - Shotgun.

Well, did you get the address?

- You are a drug pig. - Didn't I tell you?

I'm rubber, you're glue.

Don't worry about a thing, babe.

- Hold on. - You're the best.

Montgomery?

Mel?

Butthead hog bitch Lucifer?

Anybody here?

Ow.

Montgomery.

Dude.

Fellow children of God, will you do me this one teeny little old favor?

Yes.

Wherever you are, put down whatever it is you're doing

and close your eyes.

Come on, do it with me now.

Don't be shy. Nobody's watching.

Close your eyes, shut them tight.

Now along with me, think about heaven.

Concentrate.

Get a full-color wide-screen picture in your mind.

Ain't it nice?

Ain't it so downright beautiful?

Just feel it.

Feel that white, pure, holy light cascading

through your veins,

coursing through your body and soul.

Praise sweet Jesus. Whoo!

Now, doesn't that make you feel so much better?

Just thinking about going straight to heaven,

doesn't it make you feel so gosh darn good inside?

Inner peace, eternal everlasting salvation.

It is yours, people,

all yours, and all you have to do is believe.

Believe.

Do you believe, my fellow children of God?

What's that? I can't hear you, brothers and sisters.

We believe. We believe.

I cannot hear you, brothers and sisters.

We believe!

- We believe! - We believe.

I cannot hear you, brothers and sisters.

It's like I got cotton balls stuck in my ears.

- We believe! - We believe.

You at home, you gotta help me out. You gotta let me know.

You gotta let Jesus know.

We believe! We believe!

Louder, brothers and sisters.

Let Jesus hear your proud, strong, magnificent voices roar.

- We believe! - We believe.

We believe!

We believe! We believe!

We believe!

- We believe! - We believe.

You are such the driving talent.

Hey, loser.

Loser, loser.

- Where's Montgomery? - Everybody else is free.

We can't wait around for him all friggin' night.

I saw him in the locker room a while ago. Did you check in there?

What's the matter, Dark?

Isn't that his cross?

What, did he get bored and go home or something?

That guy is so capital L-A-M-E.

I vote we migrate to the party, okay?

The keg's already extinct, I'm sure.

Don't you think maybe we ought to wait for him?

I mean, what if...?

He can hook up with us later. He knows the address.

Besides, I don't know if it's the Stacy,

but this place is starting to give me the heebies.

I gotta make a call. I'll catch you guys there.

- Bye. - See ya.

Whatever.

Why are we stopping?

Are we lost, huggy bear?

Of course not.

I'm just figuring out the shortcut route.

Zero, it doesn't matter.

I mean, I really don't care about that soggy old party.

It probably sucks anyway.

Zoe, we're gonna find it.

I would never let you down.

You're a dream come true.

Okay, out!

You heard me, pinhead, get out of the car

before I perforate you.

Please, it's my mom's. She'll kill me.

Well, tell her that the Ataris say

thanks for the bitchin' wheels, bitch.

Zero, don't!

Zero!

Oh, cuddle puppy.

Hey, Mr. Sighvatssohn, it's Cowboy.

Is Bart in?

I can't understand. What?

Speak English, please.

I... Mr. Sighvatssohn.

I can't understand you. Speak English.

What?

I don't know what... I...

Mr. Sighvatssohn!

Give me that.

I'm full of hate. I want to kill.

- I'm full of hate. I want to kill. - Crank it up, bitch.

- I'm full of hate. I want to kill. - Crank it up!

- I'm full of hate! I want to kill! - Louder!

- I'm full of hate! I want to kill! - Louder!

I'm full of hate! I want to kill! I'm full...

- Isn't this fun? - Sure.

Don't worry, smooshkins, I love you.

Me too. Totally.

But my mom is gonna wire a car battery on my testicles.

Hey, tadpoles. Want a ride?

Yeah. Where you heading?

Well, there's this party at Jujyfruit's.

Cool.

Ready?

Assume the position.

Oh, my God, have you seen Alexis lately?

She's gained like 50 pounds in one week.

I warned her not to stop doing crystal.

Cool.

Blood is cool.

No, honey, your tongue is cool.

Sick.

Glory, hallelujah, I am so polluted.

Awesome.

Jujyfruit!

Lit party, amigo.

What's up, Handjob?

Me, I'm up.

Yeah, man, you got any more

of those horse-tranquilizer things in there?

No, man, I took my supply before I came,

- but I have some cataclysmic... - Jujyfruit!

So, like, location of the kegger?

Um...

- Brewski, bro? - Yeah, sure.

Hey, baby.

I think I stepped in dog doo.

Get you a beer?

Score me one too.

Yeah, just grab as many as you can, okay?

What am I, the friggin' barmaid? Come with. Come on.

Excuse me.

Now?

Mel, we gotta talk.

Yeah?

I think we need to discuss our relationship.

What relationship?

Dark, baby, look, I just don't think this is the time

or the place.

Yo, Mel!

Surf, Ski, what's up?

Same old, same old. Hey, Dirk.

We haven't seen you since that time backstage

at the Palace after the Engorged Gonads show.

You Tarzan, me Jane.

Oh, I can feel the vein

of your purple-headed monster throbbing inside me.

Supersonic!

Hey, isn't that your twin brother?

What? Oh, hi, sis.

Dad said for me to remind you to mow the lawn tomorrow.

Well, you can tell Dad to kiss my grinnin' grunt lizard, all right?

No wonder I'm feeling so randy all of a sudden. Come here.

Hey, you know Alonzo DeLosa?

Dude never shuts up.

Well, he shagged this chick he met at Jones a couple weeks ago,

and last Wednesday he woke up

and his pecker was covered in itchy black pus-oozing sores.

Oh.

And plus it smelled like popcorn.

About time.

Here. Bend over, robot.

Where's Mel?

Hey, you guys, Bob's here.

Who's Bob?

The hermaphrodite porn star who can screw himself.

- Oh, him? - Yeah.

What's a hermaphrodite?

Ducky, man, phone call. It's your parental unit.

Come on.

Hello? Hello?

Hey, cutie.

Can I jizz on your face?

Wait a second, Dad. I can't hear you.

- Oops. - Hey, where's Lucifer going?

I gotta leak. Major.

Okay.

Whoopsie.

Hi.

Hi.

Um, your thing is out.

Huh?

Oh, sorry.

Are you done?

Yeah.

Except, well...

Ew, repulso.

Guess I'll have to use the other john.

Excuse me.

So you gonna get with Surf and Ski tonight?

I suppose.

Mel, are we still together or what?

Dark...

I just wish things weren't so messed up and confusing, that's all.

Oh.

Can't we just leave this place?

Can't we just leave this whole planet behind

and forget about everybody and everything and just, like, be in love and stuff?

Oh, Dark.

Hello! Hello!

Put the drugs away and open up.

Dark, I...

Look, can't we just deal with this later? Okay?

Okay?

I just really miss you, that's all.

Hello! LAPD!

Can you hold on a minute?

I gotta go pee.

Hey, sis.

What are you doing here?

Hangin'.

I need air.

Hey, Dark, how's tricks?

Hey, Zero.

Radical party, huh?

Yeah, sure.

Dad, slow down.

Son, I don't know how to...

Dad, what is it?

What is it? What's wrong?

It's... It's your sister.

What is...? What's wrong, Dad?

Hey, Dark, have you seen Ducky? He disappeared.

No.

I think I'm gonna bail.

How come?

This party's about as fun as an ingrown butt hair.

No!

Ducky!

Grab his arm.

One, 1000, two, 1000, three, 1000.

One, 1000. Ducky.

Get me a towel.

- Egg... - Ducky.

How would you like to sit on my face

and cut a nice big juicy fart?

Yo, Dark. Hey.

What's happening, Handjob?

No poontang, that's for sure.

Mm. Pardon my French.

Hey, you need anything?

Up, down, all around?

Nah, I'm blowin'.

It's been a gnarly day.

Oh, yeah?

In the last 18 hours,

I've seen four people get abducted by a space alien,

watched Ducky try to drown himself,

plus I spent like 387 bucks on CDs at Aran's.

Kick my mom.

Hey, what CDs you score?

Hey, punk, remember me?

The one you sold the bad drugs to?

- The one you ripped off? - Elvis, baby, come on.

Where's my money, huh, punk?

Hey, man, I got some stuff in the car, killer stuff.

It's your gratis.

Elvis, don't!

Elvis, Elvis!

Come on, come on, asshole!

Come on, come and get me.

Come on, big man.

Oh, my God, Elvis!

You're killing him!

Stop it! What's wrong with you? Elvis!

Stop!

Stop it!

Dear diary: What a day.

I swear I've never been so depressed,

miserable and lonely in my entire life.

It's like I know there's gotta be somebody out there somewhere,

just one person in this huge, horrible, unhappy universe,

that can hold me in their arms

and tell me everything's gonna be okay.

And how long do I have to wait before that person shows up?

I feel like I'm sinking deeper and deeper into quicksand,

watching everyone around me die a slow, agonizing death.

It's like we all know

way down in our souls

that our generation is gonna witness the end of everything.

You can see it in our eyes.

It's in mine. Look.

I'm doomed.

I'm only 18 years old, and I'm totally doomed.

Wait.

Jesus!

Montgomery.

The weirdest thing just happened to me.

Well, are you gonna just stand there with your mouth hanging open

or are you gonna let me in?

Sorry.

Thanks.

So, like, what happened?

I got kidnapped by space aliens.

Really?

And then what?

Well, they did all these tests

and experiments and stuff on me.

And then I overheard them talking

about their plan to take over the Earth.

Then I escaped.

No way.

Way.

Fookin' A.

I... I feel strange.

- I think I'm catching a cold or something. - Do you wanna, um...?

Is it okay if I just rest here for a while?

I'm suddenly, like, so tired.

Sure.

Well, aren't you gonna?

Yeah.

I hope you don't take this the wrong way.

I mean, I know you and Mel are like whatever.

Whatever is right.

She's all, you know.

It's... It's not like I'm gay or anything,

and I know we kind of just met,

but I really like you a lot...

and I think about you.

Me too.

I mean, I feel the same about you.

Like, when I was trapped in the pod thing that the aliens held me captive in,

all I could think about was what if they kill me

and I never get to see you again?

It's retarded and pathetic, I know.

But all my life I've been searching

for one special person on this awful, scary planet

who I can love,

who loves me for what I am.

That is so poetic.

Is it okay if I spend the night?

I really wanna sleep next to you.

Only if you promise to never, ever leave me.

Deal.

What's...?

Is something the matter?

Montgomery.

Montgomery, what is it?

What is it?

Montgomery! Montgomery!

Tell me what it is, please!

Montgomery!

Montgomery!

Oh, my God, stop!

Montgomery!

Montgomery!

Montgomery.

I'm outta here.

No!