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These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:06,423 --> 00:00:10,677 ♪ Once there was a thing called spring ♪ 2 00:00:10,760 --> 00:00:15,974 ♪ When the world was writing verses like yours and mine ♪ 3 00:00:16,056 --> 00:00:21,146 ♪ All the boys and girls would sing ♪ 4 00:00:21,229 --> 00:00:27,944 ♪ As we sat at little tables and drank May wine ♪ 5 00:00:28,027 --> 00:00:30,780 ♪ Now April, May, and June ♪ 6 00:00:30,864 --> 00:00:33,950 ♪ Seem sadly out of tune ♪ 7 00:00:34,033 --> 00:00:40,373 ♪ Life has stuck a pin in the balloon ♪ 8 00:00:41,791 --> 00:00:48,631 ♪ Spring is here ♪ 9 00:00:48,715 --> 00:00:54,220 ♪ Why doesn't my heart go dancing ♪ 10 00:00:54,304 --> 00:01:02,304 ♪ Spring is here ♪ 11 00:01:05,940 --> 00:01:12,405 ♪ I hear ♪ 12 00:01:17,911 --> 00:01:21,623 Actual tear stains on the page. 13 00:01:21,706 --> 00:01:24,167 I went through two boxes of tissues, goddamn you. 14 00:01:24,250 --> 00:01:27,462 I'm sorry about that, but I am relieved. 15 00:01:27,545 --> 00:01:30,799 Your message was so cryptic, I was afraid you hated it. 16 00:01:30,882 --> 00:01:34,928 I loved it! I had to tell you in person, so you could see this. 17 00:01:35,011 --> 00:01:37,847 I wanna fast-track it for the Christmas season. 18 00:01:37,931 --> 00:01:40,225 Oh my gosh. Oh, that's great. 19 00:01:40,308 --> 00:01:42,560 - I just have one note. - Okay. 20 00:01:42,644 --> 00:01:47,816 This whole thing is... so raw and honest, 21 00:01:47,899 --> 00:01:50,276 and, let's face it, brutal. 22 00:01:50,360 --> 00:01:51,903 I mean, you spend your whole career 23 00:01:51,986 --> 00:01:54,197 writing about your quest for love, 24 00:01:54,280 --> 00:01:56,574 and then, you finally find it... 25 00:01:56,658 --> 00:01:58,701 and then he dies. 26 00:01:58,785 --> 00:02:01,788 It's pretty dark. It's a real departure for you as a writer. 27 00:02:01,871 --> 00:02:02,871 Well... 28 00:02:04,123 --> 00:02:07,877 that's what happened... He departed. 29 00:02:07,961 --> 00:02:11,840 But, you're known for writing "Sex and the City." 30 00:02:11,923 --> 00:02:13,424 I'm afraid if we publish this as is, 31 00:02:13,508 --> 00:02:15,402 your readers are gonna pitch themselves out the window 32 00:02:15,426 --> 00:02:16,261 clutching their tubs of Häagen-Dazs. 33 00:02:16,344 --> 00:02:20,390 Oh, well, that is certainly not what I want. 34 00:02:20,473 --> 00:02:21,891 No. 35 00:02:21,975 --> 00:02:24,894 I would love, and I think this is very doable, 36 00:02:24,978 --> 00:02:27,814 if you could give the reader some element of hope. 37 00:02:27,897 --> 00:02:32,193 - Hm. - Just a suggestion of a brighter future. 38 00:02:32,277 --> 00:02:34,904 I mean, for example... I imagine, at some point, 39 00:02:34,988 --> 00:02:37,907 you're gonna start dating again, right? 40 00:02:39,492 --> 00:02:40,410 Um, I... 41 00:02:40,493 --> 00:02:43,538 I, I mean, I'm not even thinking about that yet. 42 00:02:43,621 --> 00:02:45,081 I hear you... 43 00:02:45,164 --> 00:02:48,334 but... if there's a tiny part of you 44 00:02:48,418 --> 00:02:52,422 that's open to the idea of even just one date... 45 00:02:52,505 --> 00:02:55,717 it would be great if it could happen in the next few weeks. 46 00:02:55,800 --> 00:02:59,345 I would love to hit that stocking stuffer deadline. 47 00:03:00,763 --> 00:03:02,557 Uh, you want me to go on a date? 48 00:03:02,640 --> 00:03:04,440 Ooh, just to be clear, I am just talking about 49 00:03:04,517 --> 00:03:07,395 a toe dip into the dating pool. One guy. 50 00:03:07,478 --> 00:03:08,956 It doesn't have to be a whole chapter. 51 00:03:08,980 --> 00:03:11,608 It could just be an epilogue. 52 00:03:11,691 --> 00:03:14,110 A single page, half a page. 53 00:03:14,193 --> 00:03:17,780 Just... lookin' for that glimmer of hope. 54 00:03:18,156 --> 00:03:19,365 Okay. 55 00:03:21,200 --> 00:03:22,744 I'm here, I'm here. 56 00:03:22,827 --> 00:03:23,827 Sorry. Sorry I'm late, 57 00:03:23,870 --> 00:03:24,996 but I have good news. 58 00:03:25,079 --> 00:03:26,623 Carrie agreed to be an auction item 59 00:03:26,706 --> 00:03:29,083 at the school benefit. 60 00:03:29,167 --> 00:03:31,753 - Sorry, it took so long. - No, that's great. 61 00:03:31,836 --> 00:03:33,355 I'm sorry if I was being pushy about it. 62 00:03:33,379 --> 00:03:35,465 The benefit committee's just all over me to get 63 00:03:35,548 --> 00:03:36,966 more flashy auction items. 64 00:03:37,050 --> 00:03:39,344 Oh, and remember, for this match, 65 00:03:39,427 --> 00:03:40,303 the redhead is deadly at the net. 66 00:03:40,386 --> 00:03:42,931 Right, and the other one has that killer serve. 67 00:03:43,014 --> 00:03:44,033 I could barely return it last time. 68 00:03:44,057 --> 00:03:45,337 Tennis Player: Let's go! Come on! 69 00:03:50,355 --> 00:03:54,859 - Oh, we can beat these bitches. - Oh, we can, and we will. 70 00:03:54,943 --> 00:03:57,195 ♪ ♪ 71 00:04:00,198 --> 00:04:02,742 - Good one! - Push it! 72 00:04:02,825 --> 00:04:06,746 ♪ Face to face, out in the heat ♪ 73 00:04:06,829 --> 00:04:08,766 - ♪ Hanging tough, staying hungry ♪ - Charlotte! 74 00:04:08,790 --> 00:04:11,292 Kill it! Nice! 75 00:04:11,376 --> 00:04:13,753 ♪ They stack the odds 'til we take to the street ♪ 76 00:04:13,836 --> 00:04:14,939 - Let's go! - ♪ For the kill ♪ 77 00:04:14,963 --> 00:04:19,007 ♪ With the skill to survive ♪ 78 00:04:19,091 --> 00:04:21,344 - Yeah! - ♪ It's the eye of the tiger ♪ 79 00:04:21,427 --> 00:04:22,571 Crush it! Yes! - ♪ It's the thrill of the fight ♪ 80 00:04:22,595 --> 00:04:27,850 ♪ Rising up to the challenge of our rival ♪ 81 00:04:27,934 --> 00:04:30,061 - ♪ And the last known survivor ♪ - It's yours! 82 00:04:30,144 --> 00:04:31,246 - ♪ Stalks his prey in the night ♪ - Good one. 83 00:04:31,270 --> 00:04:34,524 - ♪ And he's watching us all ♪ - Yeah! 84 00:04:34,607 --> 00:04:36,859 ♪ With the eye ♪ 85 00:04:36,943 --> 00:04:38,903 ♪ Of the tiger ♪ 86 00:04:40,321 --> 00:04:43,199 I don't understand where you are. 87 00:04:43,282 --> 00:04:46,494 I'm exactly where I said I would be. 88 00:04:46,577 --> 00:04:50,707 No! That's the bad vegetable stand where the guy's mean. 89 00:04:50,790 --> 00:04:52,834 I'm at the good place, farthest from our house 90 00:04:52,917 --> 00:04:54,711 with the squash... opposite end. 91 00:04:54,794 --> 00:04:57,296 Steve, can you hear me? 92 00:04:59,340 --> 00:05:01,009 Just find me, okay?! 93 00:05:03,136 --> 00:05:05,680 Hi, um, what are the green ones called? 94 00:05:05,763 --> 00:05:08,891 Miranda Hobbes, you are failing heirloom tomatoes. 95 00:05:08,975 --> 00:05:12,186 - Oh my god! Hi! - Hi! Ha, ha. 96 00:05:12,270 --> 00:05:14,772 Okay, I never wanted you two to meet, but here we are, 97 00:05:14,856 --> 00:05:16,899 so, Miranda Hobbes, this is my husband, 98 00:05:16,983 --> 00:05:18,401 - Andre Rashad. - Hey. 99 00:05:18,484 --> 00:05:20,462 - Andre, this is Miranda. - Hey, nice to meet the woman 100 00:05:20,486 --> 00:05:22,530 - that beat up Chucky in the subway. - Oh. 101 00:05:22,613 --> 00:05:24,157 Yeah, I hear things. 102 00:05:24,240 --> 00:05:26,075 It's my greatest accomplishment. 103 00:05:26,159 --> 00:05:28,327 I, I am still having nightmares, though. 104 00:05:29,495 --> 00:05:31,247 Hey, should I run over to the cheese woman? 105 00:05:31,330 --> 00:05:33,183 - I want to stay ahead of a dangerous cheese shortage. - Oh. 106 00:05:33,207 --> 00:05:35,334 He's not tryin' to impress you. 107 00:05:35,418 --> 00:05:36,836 He really is this cute. 108 00:05:37,837 --> 00:05:39,130 Be right back. 109 00:05:42,050 --> 00:05:44,260 Oh my god. That kiss. 110 00:05:44,343 --> 00:05:47,972 If you two were a TV show, I would be streaming you. 111 00:05:48,056 --> 00:05:50,683 Oh, well, it would be a drama 112 00:05:50,767 --> 00:05:52,769 'cause I got my period this morning. 113 00:05:52,852 --> 00:05:55,855 Oh shit. Oh, I'm sorry to hear. 114 00:05:55,938 --> 00:05:58,274 Yeah, we're still, you know, off the IVF, 115 00:05:58,357 --> 00:06:01,360 but trying, and I was almost two weeks late. 116 00:06:01,444 --> 00:06:03,905 - Mm. - I shouldn't have told him. 117 00:06:03,988 --> 00:06:05,382 I mean, the man is good at a lot of things, 118 00:06:05,406 --> 00:06:08,618 but cautious optimism is not one of them. 119 00:06:08,701 --> 00:06:11,662 I am dreading telling him, Miranda. 120 00:06:11,746 --> 00:06:13,790 I am so done with all of this. 121 00:06:13,873 --> 00:06:15,792 Hey... 122 00:06:15,875 --> 00:06:16,667 This place is bullshit. 123 00:06:16,751 --> 00:06:19,128 Why do they keep movin' everything around? 124 00:06:19,212 --> 00:06:22,757 Oh, Steve, Steve, this is, uh, Nya, my professor. 125 00:06:22,840 --> 00:06:25,384 - Hey. - I have been dying to meet you. 126 00:06:25,468 --> 00:06:28,596 You are the only person I know who intimidates her. 127 00:06:28,679 --> 00:06:31,974 I think we intimidate each other, actually. 128 00:06:32,058 --> 00:06:34,185 Ah, my wallet! Shit! 129 00:06:34,268 --> 00:06:36,896 You know, y-you got me so freakin' distracted 130 00:06:36,979 --> 00:06:38,749 when you're yellin' at me about the squash guy, 131 00:06:38,773 --> 00:06:41,984 I left my, I left my wallet over where the pickle guy 132 00:06:42,068 --> 00:06:44,737 who used to be over in that corner. 133 00:06:44,821 --> 00:06:45,881 I, I gotta, I gotta go get it. 134 00:06:45,905 --> 00:06:49,158 Um, really nice to meet you, Professor, all right? 135 00:06:49,242 --> 00:06:50,242 - Oh, sorry. - No worries. 136 00:06:52,453 --> 00:06:54,497 So, that's my Steve. 137 00:06:54,580 --> 00:06:57,208 - Here comes my guy, so would you... - Yeah, yeah, yeah. 138 00:06:57,291 --> 00:06:59,293 - Got the last of the Bloomsday. - Ooh. 139 00:06:59,377 --> 00:07:00,920 - There we go. - See? 140 00:07:06,759 --> 00:07:08,761 Hi. 141 00:07:10,972 --> 00:07:13,391 Oh, Amanda? 142 00:07:13,474 --> 00:07:16,686 Mm, Carrie. Shit. 143 00:07:16,769 --> 00:07:19,313 - Sorry to drop in, um, unannounced. - No, no, no. I love it. 144 00:07:19,397 --> 00:07:21,983 You just caught me with a milk mustache. I mean, what am I? Five? 145 00:07:22,066 --> 00:07:23,860 This is my fourth cappuccino today. 146 00:07:23,943 --> 00:07:25,361 I think... I've lost track. 147 00:07:25,444 --> 00:07:26,630 Come sit with me while I vibrate. 148 00:07:26,654 --> 00:07:27,881 Oh, do you want one? They're free. 149 00:07:27,905 --> 00:07:30,074 Oh, no. I'm, I'm good. Thank you. Thank you. 150 00:07:30,158 --> 00:07:32,702 So... what's up? 151 00:07:32,785 --> 00:07:38,708 Well, um, I, I got the book cover proposals that you sent over, 152 00:07:38,791 --> 00:07:40,710 and now, I'm worried. 153 00:07:40,793 --> 00:07:41,544 Oh my god. 154 00:07:41,627 --> 00:07:43,379 I thought the covers were stunning, 155 00:07:43,462 --> 00:07:49,844 especially number two and... number five. 156 00:07:49,927 --> 00:07:54,056 So spare and arresting. Just takes my breath away. 157 00:07:54,140 --> 00:07:56,642 But, maybe, the book is too heavy. 158 00:07:56,726 --> 00:07:57,786 You know, I mean, even you said that 159 00:07:57,810 --> 00:07:59,979 my readers don't want all that sadness from me. 160 00:08:00,062 --> 00:08:02,607 Maybe, I just... 161 00:08:02,690 --> 00:08:05,693 Maybe, I just needed to write the book for myself. 162 00:08:07,236 --> 00:08:09,405 I respectfully disagree. 163 00:08:09,488 --> 00:08:13,326 In fact, when I pitched the idea of the epilogue 164 00:08:13,409 --> 00:08:15,745 to Oprah's Book Club people, 165 00:08:15,828 --> 00:08:19,916 they got very excited, and said they were definitely interested. 166 00:08:19,999 --> 00:08:23,377 - Oprah? Really? - Mmm-hmm. 167 00:08:23,461 --> 00:08:26,756 So, I guess I'm goin' on a date. 168 00:08:26,839 --> 00:08:29,091 I've been waiting for you to be ready. 169 00:08:29,175 --> 00:08:31,761 We had this whole wave of divorces at school this year, 170 00:08:31,844 --> 00:08:36,474 and I know three adorable dads who'll be fighting over you. 171 00:08:36,557 --> 00:08:37,725 Well, I'm not exactly ready. 172 00:08:37,808 --> 00:08:39,477 It was mandated by my editor... 173 00:08:40,727 --> 00:08:41,270 and Oprah. 174 00:08:41,354 --> 00:08:43,272 - Really? - Seriously? 175 00:08:43,356 --> 00:08:46,275 Well, when Oprah mandates a man date, 176 00:08:46,359 --> 00:08:48,402 - what're you gonna do? - Date a man. 177 00:08:48,486 --> 00:08:52,198 - Yeah. - And I thought about it, and I figured... 178 00:08:52,281 --> 00:08:56,786 - if I can lighten my hair, I can lighten my book, right? - Yes. 179 00:08:56,869 --> 00:08:59,247 Oh, and they're all gonna be at the benefit, 180 00:08:59,330 --> 00:09:00,915 so you can meet them there. 181 00:09:00,998 --> 00:09:02,458 No one anyone knows. 182 00:09:02,541 --> 00:09:04,293 You know, I'd rather, I'd rather 183 00:09:04,377 --> 00:09:05,461 go the anonymous route, 184 00:09:05,544 --> 00:09:06,921 since this is, basically, a stunt, 185 00:09:07,004 --> 00:09:09,966 you know, to give my, my readers a glimmer of hope. 186 00:09:10,049 --> 00:09:12,301 Is there an app that knocks you out 187 00:09:12,385 --> 00:09:13,928 while they post your photos, 188 00:09:14,011 --> 00:09:14,762 fill out those questionnaires, 189 00:09:14,845 --> 00:09:17,056 and, oh my god, I'm gonna be sick. 190 00:09:17,139 --> 00:09:19,475 It's already done. I listed you on three different sites. 191 00:09:19,558 --> 00:09:21,536 I narrowed it down to one. I don't want to waste your time. 192 00:09:21,560 --> 00:09:24,272 - When? - Valentine's Day on my lunch break. 193 00:09:24,355 --> 00:09:25,982 Nobody buys real estate in the winter, 194 00:09:26,065 --> 00:09:27,858 so I decided to list you. 195 00:09:27,942 --> 00:09:30,319 You staged me, like an apartment? 196 00:09:30,403 --> 00:09:32,154 You're doing very well. 197 00:09:32,238 --> 00:09:33,948 There's a lot of buzz. 198 00:09:34,031 --> 00:09:36,909 - Am I? - Yeah... check it out. 199 00:09:36,993 --> 00:09:39,495 - Let me see, let me see. - Yeah, let's see! 200 00:09:39,578 --> 00:09:41,289 Oh my. 201 00:09:41,372 --> 00:09:43,332 I'll date the dog. 202 00:09:43,416 --> 00:09:45,960 Well, he's objectively handsome. 203 00:09:46,043 --> 00:09:47,211 To who? 204 00:09:48,087 --> 00:09:49,922 Why is he chewing his glasses? 205 00:09:50,006 --> 00:09:53,175 In my experience, glasses chewers are good in bed. 206 00:09:53,259 --> 00:09:55,094 Doesn't he look like he would be? 207 00:09:55,177 --> 00:09:57,346 All right, no sex for me, indefinitely. 208 00:09:57,430 --> 00:10:00,349 All I need out of this is pleasant enough conversation, 209 00:10:00,433 --> 00:10:02,518 so I can be a stocking stuffer. 210 00:10:04,270 --> 00:10:06,981 So, no sex for you... ever? 211 00:10:08,441 --> 00:10:10,526 Well, honestly, the thought of never having it again 212 00:10:10,609 --> 00:10:14,780 feels really strange, but the thought of... 213 00:10:16,073 --> 00:10:17,533 having sex with anyone 214 00:10:17,616 --> 00:10:18,856 other than Big just makes me... 215 00:10:20,953 --> 00:10:23,414 - sick to my stomach. - Yeah, makes sense. 216 00:10:23,497 --> 00:10:26,167 But maybe I've had my share of all that. 217 00:10:26,250 --> 00:10:28,210 You know, when I look back at my dating life, 218 00:10:28,294 --> 00:10:29,587 it was such a roller coaster, 219 00:10:29,670 --> 00:10:33,549 and I'm talking one of those old, wooden ones 220 00:10:33,632 --> 00:10:36,218 where it's more life-threatening than fun. 221 00:10:36,302 --> 00:10:39,972 Oh, I would kill to get back on the roller coaster. 222 00:10:40,056 --> 00:10:42,475 I've been riding the monorail for too long. 223 00:10:43,601 --> 00:10:45,561 I was hoping things were better with Steve, 224 00:10:45,644 --> 00:10:46,979 'cause you hadn't said anything. 225 00:10:47,063 --> 00:10:49,565 No. 226 00:10:49,649 --> 00:10:52,818 As I've always said, "No news is no news." 227 00:10:54,487 --> 00:11:00,534 Speaking of, what's the lifespan of an unanswered text? 228 00:11:00,618 --> 00:11:03,204 Three days, three weeks, three months? 229 00:11:03,287 --> 00:11:05,748 Three months? Try three hours. 230 00:11:09,585 --> 00:11:10,669 - Che, huh? - Yeah. 231 00:11:14,423 --> 00:11:17,468 They never ask about me at the podcast, do they? 232 00:11:19,220 --> 00:11:22,098 You know, Che's been back and forth to L.A. a few times, 233 00:11:22,181 --> 00:11:24,892 and you... listen to the podcast. 234 00:11:24,975 --> 00:11:28,479 - They ride all the rides. - So... 235 00:11:29,772 --> 00:11:34,068 guess I'll have to file that away as a crazy one-off, 236 00:11:34,151 --> 00:11:37,321 and resign myself to having a dead sex life. 237 00:11:38,697 --> 00:11:41,659 I can't believe that I had the most 238 00:11:41,742 --> 00:11:42,942 transcendent sex of my life... 239 00:11:44,912 --> 00:11:46,914 and it'll never happen again. 240 00:11:48,207 --> 00:11:49,291 Well... 241 00:11:49,875 --> 00:11:52,461 I know how you feel. 242 00:11:52,545 --> 00:11:54,630 But Big is, actually, dead. 243 00:11:56,757 --> 00:11:59,468 Maybe your sex life with Steve is... 244 00:12:00,386 --> 00:12:03,472 - just in a deep coma? - Mm. 245 00:12:05,516 --> 00:12:06,535 - Hey, honey. - Hey! 246 00:12:06,559 --> 00:12:08,978 You havin' a little midnight toast? 247 00:12:09,061 --> 00:12:10,980 - I felt like a nosh. - Oh. 248 00:12:11,063 --> 00:12:12,874 So, I ran into Herbert Wexley on the subway today. 249 00:12:12,898 --> 00:12:16,152 Since when does Herbert Wexley ride the subway? 250 00:12:16,235 --> 00:12:17,546 My guess is he thinks it'll boost his street cred 251 00:12:17,570 --> 00:12:20,281 - if he ever runs for mayor. - Oh! 252 00:12:20,364 --> 00:12:24,160 Anyway, we bonded over our wives' mutual tennis addiction. 253 00:12:24,243 --> 00:12:27,538 Oh, that reminds me. We're actually playing again tomorrow morning. 254 00:12:27,621 --> 00:12:32,209 - You know... I'm not half bad at tennis. - Oh? 255 00:12:32,293 --> 00:12:35,171 - Herbert said he played in high school. - Uh-huh. 256 00:12:35,254 --> 00:12:38,841 How come you never ask the boys to join for some mixed doubles? 257 00:12:38,924 --> 00:12:42,928 - Never occurred to me. - Is it occurring to you now? 258 00:12:43,012 --> 00:12:47,224 Harry... would you like to play some doubles with us? 259 00:12:47,308 --> 00:12:48,684 I would love that. 260 00:12:52,396 --> 00:12:53,665 Uh, Cubana House has a table at 6:30. 261 00:12:53,689 --> 00:12:56,734 - Are we feeling Cuban tonight? - Sí. 262 00:12:56,817 --> 00:12:59,528 - Why is this guy on my tail? - Car play activated. 263 00:12:59,612 --> 00:13:02,698 Text from "So sorry you're not pregnant", 264 00:13:02,781 --> 00:13:06,285 and I hope it went well when you told AR." 265 00:13:06,368 --> 00:13:07,512 - Shit! - Wait... Just, Nya. 266 00:13:07,536 --> 00:13:09,181 - Just stop. Just drive. - "...you two seem like a really 267 00:13:09,205 --> 00:13:10,845 - "strong, happy couple." - It's too late. 268 00:13:10,915 --> 00:13:12,601 - It's too late. I heard it. - "Heart emoji." 269 00:13:12,625 --> 00:13:14,668 - "Heart emoji. Miranda." - Sorry. 270 00:13:14,752 --> 00:13:16,879 I was gonna tell you I got my period. 271 00:13:16,962 --> 00:13:19,673 And you, you told one of your students before you told me? 272 00:13:19,757 --> 00:13:21,926 - Well, not exactly. It was... - Red light, red light! 273 00:13:23,219 --> 00:13:25,221 Oh! My god! 274 00:13:26,222 --> 00:13:28,766 - Sorry, are you okay? - No, I'm not okay. 275 00:13:31,143 --> 00:13:32,579 You want to tell me why I'm learnin' this news 276 00:13:32,603 --> 00:13:34,563 from Stephen Hawking instead of my own wife? 277 00:13:34,647 --> 00:13:37,066 Excuse me? Yes, hello. 278 00:13:37,149 --> 00:13:38,749 You might wanna watch where you're going! 279 00:13:38,817 --> 00:13:41,195 - I'm really sorry. - It's a red light! 280 00:13:41,278 --> 00:13:43,489 I mean, open your eyes! It's a crosswalk! 281 00:13:43,572 --> 00:13:46,116 - Sir, she said she was sorry. - I have a toddler! 282 00:13:46,200 --> 00:13:47,826 Okay, sir, you need to check yourself. 283 00:13:47,910 --> 00:13:48,494 You need to check yourself! 284 00:13:48,577 --> 00:13:51,121 Is he seriously comin' for me? 285 00:13:51,205 --> 00:13:55,417 I have a toddler! 286 00:13:59,338 --> 00:14:01,423 He has a toddler. 287 00:14:09,431 --> 00:14:12,268 Look, I'm, I'm really, really sorry. 288 00:14:12,351 --> 00:14:14,228 "Sorry that I learned about it from a robot," 289 00:14:14,311 --> 00:14:15,591 or, "Sorry this isn't happenin'?" 290 00:14:16,397 --> 00:14:17,648 Both. 291 00:14:41,922 --> 00:14:42,631 We're comin' to get you guys. Look out! 292 00:14:42,715 --> 00:14:45,217 Yeah, that's what you think! 293 00:14:46,552 --> 00:14:48,679 Nice shot! 294 00:14:50,598 --> 00:14:51,515 - Got this one. - Nice shot. 295 00:14:51,599 --> 00:14:54,226 Harry: Good one, babe. 296 00:14:54,310 --> 00:14:55,811 - Uh! - Nice, baby. 297 00:14:55,894 --> 00:14:57,521 No! 298 00:14:57,605 --> 00:15:00,232 Babe, you gotta go for the ball. 299 00:15:00,316 --> 00:15:02,151 I told you, don't hold back. 300 00:15:02,234 --> 00:15:03,819 I could say the same to you. 301 00:15:03,902 --> 00:15:06,989 You know what they call this part of the court, don't ya? 302 00:15:07,072 --> 00:15:09,033 - Divorce Alley. - Whatever. 303 00:15:09,116 --> 00:15:10,719 This is match point. Let's just stay loose. We got this. 304 00:15:10,743 --> 00:15:13,412 - Let's go, guys. - Here we go. 305 00:15:15,247 --> 00:15:16,665 I got it! 306 00:15:18,375 --> 00:15:19,960 It's yours! Sorry. 307 00:15:20,044 --> 00:15:21,670 Damn you! 308 00:15:21,754 --> 00:15:23,547 Woo! 309 00:15:23,631 --> 00:15:27,885 Woo! Oh, honey, are you okay? 310 00:15:27,968 --> 00:15:30,638 I'm okay, I'm okay. 311 00:15:30,721 --> 00:15:34,141 Just an old Jewish guy tryin' to play sports. 312 00:15:34,224 --> 00:15:35,893 That was thrilling! 313 00:15:35,976 --> 00:15:39,021 I'm so relieved. It can be dicey to play with other couples 314 00:15:39,104 --> 00:15:39,897 'cause you never know how it's gonna go, 315 00:15:39,980 --> 00:15:42,483 but I think we were really well matched. 316 00:15:42,566 --> 00:15:44,026 Why are you so quiet, Harry? 317 00:15:44,109 --> 00:15:47,237 Well, don't you have somethin' you want to say to me? 318 00:15:47,321 --> 00:15:50,032 - Like what? - Maybe, "I'm sorry." 319 00:15:50,115 --> 00:15:53,077 - Sorry for what? - Ya knocked me over, babe. 320 00:15:53,160 --> 00:15:56,246 - By accident. - Yeah, but you never even said "sorry." 321 00:15:56,330 --> 00:15:57,665 It hurt my feelings. 322 00:15:57,748 --> 00:15:59,875 Are you serious right now? 323 00:15:59,958 --> 00:16:03,087 - It's common courtesy. - We were playing tennis. 324 00:16:03,170 --> 00:16:04,648 And there's no rule against the word "sorry" in tennis. 325 00:16:04,672 --> 00:16:08,592 I went for the ball, which you had literally just mansplained me to do. 326 00:16:08,676 --> 00:16:11,970 - Wait, what now? - You heard me. 327 00:16:12,054 --> 00:16:14,139 You can be a bit of a mansplainer, 328 00:16:14,223 --> 00:16:15,099 but I had let it go on the court 329 00:16:15,182 --> 00:16:16,785 because you're my partner, and you have to let 330 00:16:16,809 --> 00:16:19,186 the annoying stuff go if you wanna win. 331 00:16:19,269 --> 00:16:22,606 And we did win, but I got knocked down in the process, 332 00:16:22,690 --> 00:16:25,401 - and I'm just asking for a simple apology. - That's insane! 333 00:16:25,484 --> 00:16:28,570 - I'm not apologizing! - What's the big deal? It's two words! 334 00:16:28,654 --> 00:16:30,155 You're making it a big deal 335 00:16:30,239 --> 00:16:31,740 by bringing it up in the first place! 336 00:16:31,824 --> 00:16:33,635 I could argue that you're making it an even bigger deal 337 00:16:33,659 --> 00:16:37,371 by refusing to apologize. Why is this so hard for you? 338 00:16:37,454 --> 00:16:41,291 Because I have nothing to apologize for. 339 00:16:41,375 --> 00:16:44,086 We were playing a game. What is wrong with you? 340 00:16:44,169 --> 00:16:45,879 Are you five years old now? 341 00:16:45,963 --> 00:16:47,798 No, I just feel like I'm owed an apology. 342 00:16:47,881 --> 00:16:50,926 What is your goddamn problem?! 343 00:16:51,009 --> 00:16:54,805 I will not apologize for playing good tennis! 344 00:16:54,888 --> 00:16:57,933 You're driving me fucking crazy! 345 00:17:06,942 --> 00:17:10,779 - Great... now they think we're that couple. - What couple? 346 00:17:10,863 --> 00:17:13,656 The couple who fights in the street. 347 00:17:16,410 --> 00:17:19,747 Goddammit. If Frank bails on me one more time... 348 00:17:19,829 --> 00:17:23,333 - I'm down to one busboy now. - Oh, I'm sorry. That sucks. 349 00:17:23,416 --> 00:17:24,416 Yeah. 350 00:17:25,252 --> 00:17:29,131 - Hey... I have an idea. - Just a sec. 351 00:17:29,214 --> 00:17:30,382 Mm-hm. 352 00:17:31,341 --> 00:17:32,217 Whoa. 353 00:17:32,301 --> 00:17:37,598 Wait, wait, wait. Hey, ooh. Hey. 354 00:17:37,681 --> 00:17:42,311 - What's... come over you? - I'm, I'm just in the mood. 355 00:17:42,394 --> 00:17:43,434 It's been too long for me. 356 00:17:47,483 --> 00:17:49,318 Okay, but it's not even 7:00. 357 00:17:49,401 --> 00:17:52,780 - Brady and Luisa might be comin' through that door. - Then hurry! 358 00:17:52,863 --> 00:17:55,574 Kiss my neck. Come on, do it. 359 00:17:58,786 --> 00:18:00,245 Finger me. 360 00:18:01,330 --> 00:18:02,330 - Really? - Yeah, really. 361 00:18:05,918 --> 00:18:06,918 Hey. Hang on. 362 00:18:13,258 --> 00:18:15,511 I'm a little rusty. 363 00:18:24,353 --> 00:18:26,105 Oh. 364 00:18:30,943 --> 00:18:32,319 Is that right? 365 00:18:32,820 --> 00:18:36,448 Um... well... 366 00:18:36,532 --> 00:18:38,617 um, here, here. Here try this. 367 00:18:38,700 --> 00:18:40,828 - Huh? - Here. 368 00:18:42,079 --> 00:18:43,079 Mm. 369 00:18:53,799 --> 00:18:55,884 You're a little... Yeah. 370 00:18:55,968 --> 00:18:57,886 You want me to go get some lube? 371 00:18:57,970 --> 00:19:02,975 Uh... no. I mean, I'll, I'll, I'll, I'll get it. I'll get it. 372 00:19:03,976 --> 00:19:07,062 You, uh, you want me to put the lid on this, 373 00:19:07,145 --> 00:19:09,231 and put it in the fridge, huh? 374 00:19:09,314 --> 00:19:11,859 - Sure. - They smell. 375 00:19:11,942 --> 00:19:14,319 Yeah, I, I guess I should finish loading. 376 00:19:16,530 --> 00:19:21,910 Are you sure? You really had me goin' there for a minute? 377 00:19:21,994 --> 00:19:25,330 Uh-huh. Let's, Let's just have dessert. 378 00:19:33,630 --> 00:19:36,383 ♪ ♪ 379 00:19:55,777 --> 00:19:58,113 Hi, I'm Carrie. 380 00:19:58,196 --> 00:19:58,655 Peter. It's nice to meet you. 381 00:19:58,739 --> 00:20:00,782 Yeah, likewise. 382 00:20:16,798 --> 00:20:17,798 So... 383 00:20:20,302 --> 00:20:22,346 I have to admit, um... 384 00:20:23,555 --> 00:20:26,558 this is my first date since my wife died. 385 00:20:26,642 --> 00:20:28,518 Really? Yeah, me too. 386 00:20:28,602 --> 00:20:30,812 Oh. 387 00:20:31,521 --> 00:20:32,606 Okay. 388 00:20:34,066 --> 00:20:36,186 How did your husband die, if you don't mind me asking? 389 00:20:36,234 --> 00:20:39,321 No, um... he had a heart attack. 390 00:20:40,906 --> 00:20:43,742 - And your wife? - Cancer, uh, ovarian. 391 00:20:46,745 --> 00:20:47,871 God. 392 00:20:53,919 --> 00:20:55,963 I think we're gonna need some drinks. 393 00:20:56,922 --> 00:20:58,715 Yes. 394 00:21:04,554 --> 00:21:06,515 I can't. I can't. 395 00:21:06,598 --> 00:21:09,267 I don't... 396 00:21:10,811 --> 00:21:12,896 Oh my god! 397 00:21:12,980 --> 00:21:15,357 Oh. 398 00:21:18,694 --> 00:21:22,280 Oh my god, I'm sorry. 399 00:21:23,615 --> 00:21:24,615 Ugh. 400 00:21:25,742 --> 00:21:27,035 Arbor School parents, 401 00:21:27,119 --> 00:21:28,930 we all know why we're here this evening, right? 402 00:21:28,954 --> 00:21:30,872 We are here to raise money, 403 00:21:30,956 --> 00:21:33,583 and I want to see all of those arms raised 404 00:21:33,667 --> 00:21:36,920 when my lovely, lovely co-host, Lisa, 405 00:21:37,004 --> 00:21:39,023 tells you about the next item that we have up for auction. 406 00:21:39,047 --> 00:21:41,717 Number 7278, 407 00:21:41,800 --> 00:21:42,860 a rock-climbing expedition. 408 00:21:42,884 --> 00:21:46,221 - Speak, speak into the microphone. - Oh, sorry. 409 00:21:46,304 --> 00:21:49,057 I'm not an entertainer. 410 00:21:49,141 --> 00:21:50,701 Number 7278, a rock-climbing expedition. 411 00:21:50,726 --> 00:21:55,022 Sweetheart, speak into the microphone, or they won't hear you. 412 00:21:55,105 --> 00:21:59,401 Number 7278, a rock-climbing expedition. 413 00:21:59,484 --> 00:22:01,528 For up to five people! 414 00:22:01,611 --> 00:22:02,529 Apologies to my readers. 415 00:22:02,612 --> 00:22:05,574 There is no light at the end of the tunnel. 416 00:22:05,657 --> 00:22:08,201 - Just vomit. - That's awful! 417 00:22:08,285 --> 00:22:10,412 You're the one that started this whole dating again. 418 00:22:10,495 --> 00:22:13,331 - Me? It was Oprah. - Just take the hit. 419 00:22:13,415 --> 00:22:15,292 I once shit myself on a date. 420 00:22:16,293 --> 00:22:18,587 - What? I'm empathizing. - I appreciate it, 421 00:22:18,670 --> 00:22:25,260 but unless you shit yourself on a date after your husband died, 422 00:22:25,343 --> 00:22:26,762 I win "worst night ever." 423 00:22:26,845 --> 00:22:29,056 Congratulations. 424 00:22:29,139 --> 00:22:30,659 I can't find the Stephen Colbert taping 425 00:22:30,724 --> 00:22:33,935 that Lily made us swear we'd win for her in the silent auction. 426 00:22:34,019 --> 00:22:36,229 That was for Rock, and I already bid on it. 427 00:22:36,313 --> 00:22:38,315 Lily wants the vintage sneaker thing. 428 00:22:38,398 --> 00:22:42,110 You guys, I have to go help Harry, sorry. 429 00:22:42,194 --> 00:22:44,696 What? Did you hear what you just said just then? 430 00:22:44,780 --> 00:22:47,282 - What? - "Sorry." You said "sorry." 431 00:22:48,366 --> 00:22:50,035 How did you shit yourself on a date? 432 00:22:50,118 --> 00:22:52,162 Oh, good. We're back here. 433 00:22:52,245 --> 00:22:54,081 Seventh grade. 434 00:22:54,164 --> 00:22:57,167 My parents made me take Connie Delucca out for ice cream. 435 00:22:57,250 --> 00:23:00,295 Ten minutes in, my shorts were filled with chocolate chocolate chip. 436 00:23:01,630 --> 00:23:05,384 - My body knew. - Yeah... I still win. 437 00:23:05,467 --> 00:23:09,096 Followed by dessert at Serendipity. 438 00:23:09,179 --> 00:23:13,308 Yes... so... 439 00:23:13,391 --> 00:23:15,894 And we're gonna start the bidding at $500, 440 00:23:15,977 --> 00:23:19,314 which... could cover a single piece of cake there. 441 00:23:21,942 --> 00:23:22,943 Uh... 442 00:23:23,610 --> 00:23:25,779 Ah! 443 00:23:25,862 --> 00:23:26,862 The point is, it just... 444 00:23:26,905 --> 00:23:27,572 It rolled off your tongue, 445 00:23:27,656 --> 00:23:29,699 you know, no big deal, no drama, 446 00:23:29,783 --> 00:23:33,286 so, you know, why can't it just roll off your tongue to me? 447 00:23:33,370 --> 00:23:34,579 Because it can't. 448 00:23:34,663 --> 00:23:36,581 Oh, look! Here are the sneakers. 449 00:23:36,665 --> 00:23:39,417 You have said it 12 times since we left the house tonight. 450 00:23:39,501 --> 00:23:43,296 - You've been counting? - I'm a man on a mission. 451 00:23:43,380 --> 00:23:45,173 And the last time was just a minute ago 452 00:23:45,257 --> 00:23:48,760 to a lady in the lobby who bumped into you. 453 00:23:48,844 --> 00:23:53,140 Exactly. Women apologize to the whole world 454 00:23:53,223 --> 00:23:55,517 all day long for everything. 455 00:23:55,600 --> 00:23:59,020 Tennis is the one place that I don't have to do that. 456 00:23:59,104 --> 00:24:01,690 So, as Demi Lovato would say... 457 00:24:01,773 --> 00:24:04,234 "Sorry... not sorry." 458 00:24:08,446 --> 00:24:10,240 Do they have any couples counseling sessions 459 00:24:10,323 --> 00:24:11,603 anyone can bid on anywhere here? 460 00:24:13,827 --> 00:24:16,163 I'm just gonna go back in, and tell Amanda 461 00:24:16,246 --> 00:24:20,041 I didn't find that glimmer of hope. 462 00:24:20,125 --> 00:24:21,668 Guess my book's dead, too. 463 00:24:23,461 --> 00:24:27,132 Darn. My sad book keeps getting sadder. 464 00:24:27,215 --> 00:24:28,675 Speaking of dead things... 465 00:24:30,302 --> 00:24:35,348 I tried to revive my sex life with Steve the other day. 466 00:24:35,432 --> 00:24:38,059 I, I really tried hard, 467 00:24:38,143 --> 00:24:41,605 and I'm afraid... the patient is non-responsive. 468 00:24:42,731 --> 00:24:46,568 - So... no pulse? - No pulse at all. 469 00:24:46,651 --> 00:24:48,904 It was like two dead people 470 00:24:48,987 --> 00:24:51,740 trying to get it on, like zombie sex. 471 00:24:51,823 --> 00:24:54,868 And you're sure you guys wouldn't consider going back to a therapist? 472 00:24:54,951 --> 00:24:57,621 We tried twice. We don't need a therapist. 473 00:24:57,704 --> 00:24:59,247 We need the cast of "The Walking Dead." 474 00:25:00,582 --> 00:25:01,809 Listen, before we get to all of that, 475 00:25:01,833 --> 00:25:05,670 we have a special treat that we know you're going to enjoy. 476 00:25:05,754 --> 00:25:09,424 Someone you'll be grateful to hear is not the two of us. 477 00:25:09,507 --> 00:25:12,636 Yes, you can see 478 00:25:12,719 --> 00:25:15,972 - this amazing performer... - Use the mic. I beg of you. 479 00:25:16,056 --> 00:25:19,100 In their Netflix comedy special "Check the Box," 480 00:25:19,184 --> 00:25:21,895 - put your hands together for Che Diaz! - Che Diaz! 481 00:25:27,525 --> 00:25:30,237 Hi! Yes, aw! 482 00:25:30,320 --> 00:25:32,215 Uh, you know what? I'll just take hers. She's not using it. 483 00:25:32,239 --> 00:25:34,741 Hey! 484 00:25:34,824 --> 00:25:36,576 Woo! How we all doin' tonight? 485 00:25:38,954 --> 00:25:42,624 Yeah, you know, this auction's taking longer than I did to come out. 486 00:25:42,707 --> 00:25:43,959 It's wild. 487 00:25:44,042 --> 00:25:46,169 So, listen, I usually do about a 40-minute set, 488 00:25:46,253 --> 00:25:48,421 but don't worry, they've asked me to keep it clean, 489 00:25:48,505 --> 00:25:50,625 so I should be done here in about three minutes. Yeah. 490 00:25:55,428 --> 00:25:57,764 That's Che! Che's performing? 491 00:25:57,847 --> 00:26:00,517 Oh, yeah. You know what, Charlotte roped me into participating, 492 00:26:00,600 --> 00:26:02,800 then I roped in Che, which, actually, wasn't that big... 493 00:26:04,729 --> 00:26:08,692 Oh, okay, well. The cheese stands alone. 494 00:26:11,903 --> 00:26:13,113 Oh my god. 495 00:26:16,324 --> 00:26:18,576 Well, I am not getting laid tonight. 496 00:26:18,660 --> 00:26:20,704 Zero hotties here, except for the servers, 497 00:26:20,787 --> 00:26:22,831 and I have a strict no cater-waiter policy. 498 00:26:22,914 --> 00:26:24,791 He's here. 499 00:26:24,874 --> 00:26:29,004 - Who? - The teacher I went on a date with last night. 500 00:26:29,087 --> 00:26:31,631 - Professor Puke? Where? - Mm-hm, mm-hm, mm-hm. 501 00:26:31,715 --> 00:26:35,635 He's, um, he's at the bar. Wait, is that even him? 502 00:26:35,719 --> 00:26:38,239 It's hard to tell because I'm seeing more than the tops of his shoes. 503 00:26:38,263 --> 00:26:39,806 You know what? Stand in front of me. 504 00:26:42,017 --> 00:26:43,411 It's all right. Thanks. Have a good night. 505 00:26:43,435 --> 00:26:44,435 Is he leaving? 506 00:26:46,062 --> 00:26:48,231 Oh, yeah, it's okay. He's leaving, okay. 507 00:26:48,315 --> 00:26:50,191 You know what? Can you follow him out, 508 00:26:50,275 --> 00:26:53,611 and then come back and tell me when you're sure 509 00:26:53,695 --> 00:26:56,364 he's out of the building and gone? 510 00:26:56,448 --> 00:26:59,409 You want me to off him, too? What am I, Mossad? 511 00:26:59,492 --> 00:27:02,704 - My husband died. - You get one more of those. 512 00:27:02,787 --> 00:27:04,706 Okay. Go. Fast. 513 00:27:04,789 --> 00:27:08,752 We know we're not your core demo, but we love you. 514 00:27:08,835 --> 00:27:10,503 - Aww. - Yeah. She turned me on to you. 515 00:27:10,587 --> 00:27:11,814 I watched your special, like, I don't know, like, 10 times. 516 00:27:11,838 --> 00:27:14,382 My husband's like, "Veronica, what's goin' on with you?" 517 00:27:14,466 --> 00:27:16,736 I did. I read that piece on you in "Vulture" and got addicted. 518 00:27:16,760 --> 00:27:18,011 - Ohh. - Addicted. 519 00:27:25,393 --> 00:27:27,705 - But we're fans for life, like, for life. - Wow. 520 00:27:27,729 --> 00:27:32,734 Listen, I so appreciate this. I see someone I know, 521 00:27:32,817 --> 00:27:34,819 - so I'm just, uh... - Do your thing. 522 00:27:34,903 --> 00:27:37,030 - We'll be here a while. - Okay. Okay! 523 00:27:37,113 --> 00:27:39,366 Fans for life! 524 00:27:39,449 --> 00:27:43,078 Hey, Rambo. Were you just gonna leave without saying hello? 525 00:27:43,161 --> 00:27:46,581 Oh, hi. No. I, I mean, um... you were, you were busy, 526 00:27:46,664 --> 00:27:49,542 and I, I was standing there... for a while, 527 00:27:49,626 --> 00:27:51,645 and it, it looked like that was... gonna take a while, 528 00:27:51,669 --> 00:27:54,089 so, I just, you know, I called an Uber. 529 00:27:54,172 --> 00:27:56,466 Mmm. Okay, okay. 530 00:27:57,342 --> 00:27:59,219 So, how have you been? 531 00:27:59,302 --> 00:28:01,513 I've been fine, thank you. And yourself? 532 00:28:02,764 --> 00:28:03,515 What's... going on? 533 00:28:03,598 --> 00:28:06,267 Why are you, why're you being weird? 534 00:28:06,351 --> 00:28:08,853 Well, I don't know how to be... 535 00:28:08,937 --> 00:28:09,937 You never wrote me back. 536 00:28:11,481 --> 00:28:12,524 You wrote me? 537 00:28:13,858 --> 00:28:14,858 DM'd me back or whatever. 538 00:28:16,986 --> 00:28:20,782 - Well, when did you DM me? - Like three months ago. 539 00:28:20,865 --> 00:28:24,619 Three months? Miranda... I-I've done a ton of weed. 540 00:28:24,702 --> 00:28:27,872 I, I can't... I can barely remember three hours ago. 541 00:28:27,956 --> 00:28:28,998 Plus, I get a lot of DMs. 542 00:28:30,375 --> 00:28:32,710 - I'm sure. - Okay, no. 543 00:28:32,794 --> 00:28:35,672 I meant there's so much volume. 544 00:28:35,755 --> 00:28:38,109 I, I wasn't being a dick. I just... I, I seriously just didn't clock it, 545 00:28:38,133 --> 00:28:40,301 and I'm sorry. 546 00:28:40,385 --> 00:28:43,471 You're busy. I'm busy. It's all good. 547 00:28:44,556 --> 00:28:47,559 Did I just say, "It's all good?" 548 00:28:47,642 --> 00:28:51,271 You should've just DM'd me again. 549 00:28:51,354 --> 00:28:53,690 Ask for what you want. That's a turn-on. 550 00:28:56,067 --> 00:28:57,235 I didn't know that. 551 00:28:58,486 --> 00:28:59,654 I'll tell you what I want... 552 00:29:01,990 --> 00:29:03,867 I wanna go someplace with you... 553 00:29:06,286 --> 00:29:07,704 and take off all your clothes. 554 00:29:09,414 --> 00:29:11,458 - Really? - Really. 555 00:29:18,006 --> 00:29:20,550 Well, my Uber is here. 556 00:29:20,633 --> 00:29:22,677 I have a 7:00 AM flight. I have to go. 557 00:29:22,760 --> 00:29:24,520 No, you can't go. The auction's not finished. 558 00:29:24,596 --> 00:29:26,115 You didn't tell me the drama club was doing 559 00:29:26,139 --> 00:29:27,015 three songs from "Dear Evan Hansen." 560 00:29:27,098 --> 00:29:30,727 - I love you so much. - Yeah, 7:00 AM flight. 561 00:29:30,810 --> 00:29:32,746 - You can finish this without me. - Are you crazy?! 562 00:29:32,770 --> 00:29:36,524 I am awful! I can see it in people's eyes. 563 00:29:36,608 --> 00:29:38,568 They're like, "Oh god, not her again." 564 00:29:38,651 --> 00:29:40,546 What do you care if other people think you're awful? 565 00:29:40,570 --> 00:29:42,238 How could you say that to me? 566 00:29:42,322 --> 00:29:44,199 - Say what? - That I'm awful. 567 00:29:44,282 --> 00:29:46,701 - I didn't say that. - Y... Okay... 568 00:29:46,784 --> 00:29:47,887 Mr. Improv holdin' all the cards. 569 00:29:47,911 --> 00:29:52,081 I'm out there humiliated, doing my best, 570 00:29:52,165 --> 00:29:54,059 and you're gonna stand here and say that I'm awful? 571 00:29:54,083 --> 00:29:56,461 No, no, no. I said that people... 572 00:29:56,544 --> 00:29:58,481 I didn't say that. I said people, people said that you were awful, 573 00:29:58,505 --> 00:30:00,215 - but I didn't... - Hi. 574 00:30:00,298 --> 00:30:02,217 We-we-we're just lookin' for the restrooms. 575 00:30:02,300 --> 00:30:04,928 - Hey! - Yeah. Yeah! 576 00:30:07,138 --> 00:30:07,722 Sorry. 577 00:30:07,805 --> 00:30:09,432 - No, no. - I'm so sorry. 578 00:30:09,516 --> 00:30:12,435 Uh, watch your step there. 579 00:30:16,439 --> 00:30:20,318 - Oh, great. Now they think we're that couple. - Yeah, I'm sorry. 580 00:30:20,401 --> 00:30:21,986 Emcee: Give it up for the Arbor School 581 00:30:22,070 --> 00:30:23,590 drama department, ladies and gentlemen. 582 00:30:24,989 --> 00:30:27,951 I love you, baby. How can I make it up to you? 583 00:30:28,034 --> 00:30:29,369 Emcee: They were amazing! 584 00:30:29,452 --> 00:30:32,372 The Arbor School drama department, everyone! 585 00:30:32,455 --> 00:30:35,792 And sold! Item number 8248, 586 00:30:35,875 --> 00:30:39,045 a case of wine donated by a seventh-grade parent from... 587 00:30:39,128 --> 00:30:42,257 wow, vineyard in Tuscany. Enjoy your wine. All right. 588 00:30:43,883 --> 00:30:45,385 Enjoy your wine, all right! 589 00:30:45,468 --> 00:30:47,595 Carrie, you can't leave. 590 00:30:47,679 --> 00:30:48,906 Your item hasn't even been auctioned off yet. 591 00:30:48,930 --> 00:30:51,683 I'm sorry, but according to Gay Mata Hari, 592 00:30:51,766 --> 00:30:53,017 this is my window. 593 00:30:53,101 --> 00:30:57,730 A date with sex writer Carrie Bradshaw, huh? 594 00:30:57,814 --> 00:31:00,275 - It was lunch, a lunch date. - That's... 595 00:31:00,358 --> 00:31:02,443 That's what I told them. 596 00:31:02,527 --> 00:31:04,195 I was only on the gathering committee, 597 00:31:04,279 --> 00:31:05,113 not on the program committee. 598 00:31:05,196 --> 00:31:07,615 A date with sex writer Carrie Bradshaw. 599 00:31:07,699 --> 00:31:09,617 Starting bid, $500. 600 00:31:09,701 --> 00:31:12,704 And sex writer? Like what-what-what? Like I write porn? 601 00:31:12,787 --> 00:31:16,165 Um, you know what? It-it's not a date. It's a lunch date. 602 00:31:16,249 --> 00:31:20,503 And she's not a sex writer. She writes about relationships, 603 00:31:20,587 --> 00:31:23,190 - and the nuances that go... - Okay, please stop. Please, please stop. 604 00:31:23,214 --> 00:31:27,302 Okay, thank you for that clarification, Charlotte, um... 605 00:31:27,385 --> 00:31:31,431 Carrie Bradshaw... Is that who...? That's Carrie Bradshaw. 606 00:31:31,514 --> 00:31:33,808 Ladies and gentlemen, Carrie Bradshaw. 607 00:31:33,891 --> 00:31:35,661 Why don't you come on up here and help me out? 608 00:31:35,685 --> 00:31:37,162 - Lord knows I need it, right? - Oh, no, no, no. 609 00:31:37,186 --> 00:31:38,104 You're doing just fine, just fine. 610 00:31:38,187 --> 00:31:41,107 Oh, come on. Come on, for the kids. 611 00:31:41,190 --> 00:31:44,378 - Hey, a round of applause for Carrie Bradshaw, everybody. - Our friendship is now over. 612 00:31:44,402 --> 00:31:46,404 Come on, it's for the kids. 613 00:31:47,447 --> 00:31:49,240 Hello. 614 00:31:49,324 --> 00:31:51,909 - I'm good, Herbert. How are you? - All right, starting bid... 615 00:31:54,912 --> 00:31:57,749 Date with sex writer Carrie Bradshaw, $500. 616 00:31:58,249 --> 00:32:00,585 Anyone? 617 00:32:00,668 --> 00:32:02,837 - Can't! We're all married. - Ah, that's true. 618 00:32:02,920 --> 00:32:07,216 But it is a lunch date, not sex, right? 619 00:32:07,300 --> 00:32:10,678 Definitely not sex. 620 00:32:10,762 --> 00:32:11,888 $500. 621 00:32:11,971 --> 00:32:13,681 Oh, $450. $450, yeah. 622 00:32:13,765 --> 00:32:16,267 - There we go, $450. - No, no, no, no. 623 00:32:16,351 --> 00:32:19,354 We, we have a spill here. We need a waiter. 624 00:32:19,437 --> 00:32:21,397 - Okay... - Do something! 625 00:32:21,481 --> 00:32:24,108 She's about to implode like the house at the end of "Poltergeist." 626 00:32:24,192 --> 00:32:26,611 $700! $700! 627 00:32:26,694 --> 00:32:28,029 Oh dear. 628 00:32:28,112 --> 00:32:30,156 - $700. - $800! 629 00:32:30,239 --> 00:32:31,925 Well, now Charlotte's biddin' against herself. 630 00:32:31,949 --> 00:32:34,452 Pump the brakes, babe. Pump the brakes. 631 00:32:34,535 --> 00:32:36,412 You know what? I bid a thousand. 632 00:32:36,496 --> 00:32:38,706 I bid a thousand, and now, you can, uh... 633 00:32:38,790 --> 00:32:40,583 - Okay, a thousand dollars. - Yep. 634 00:32:40,667 --> 00:32:44,003 Going once... Going twice. 635 00:32:45,797 --> 00:32:47,382 Peter: $1,050. 636 00:32:48,591 --> 00:32:51,552 $1,050. 637 00:32:51,636 --> 00:32:54,055 Once, twice, sold, $1,050. 638 00:32:54,138 --> 00:32:55,949 Uh-oh. He must've snuck back in when I was in the men's room 639 00:32:55,973 --> 00:32:58,726 getting a handjob from that cater-waiter. 640 00:33:05,316 --> 00:33:06,359 Carrie. 641 00:33:08,319 --> 00:33:10,655 - Hi. - Hi. 642 00:33:10,738 --> 00:33:12,907 - Uh... - Well, what are the odds? 643 00:33:12,990 --> 00:33:16,369 Wait, you're a, you're a math teacher. You probably know. 644 00:33:16,452 --> 00:33:20,748 Well, it definitely involves an X to the... power of hangover. 645 00:33:22,041 --> 00:33:23,793 Listen, uh, don't worry. 646 00:33:23,876 --> 00:33:26,003 We-we don't actually have to go out again. 647 00:33:26,087 --> 00:33:29,382 Yeah. And I'm happy to cover your bid. 648 00:33:29,465 --> 00:33:33,302 - Oh, no. - You know, that was clearly charity for all parties. 649 00:33:33,386 --> 00:33:34,488 No, no, no, no. I wouldn't think of it. 650 00:33:34,512 --> 00:33:38,182 I'm impressed you even remember the subject I teach. 651 00:33:38,266 --> 00:33:39,767 Oh, uh, that's the extent, really. 652 00:33:39,851 --> 00:33:42,395 Well, we should go out again. 653 00:33:42,478 --> 00:33:44,105 We have so much to discuss. 654 00:33:44,188 --> 00:33:45,815 Like, how did I get home? 655 00:33:45,898 --> 00:33:47,859 Did, did we even pay for those drinks? 656 00:33:47,942 --> 00:33:52,321 - Oh, we paid. - Yes, yes we did. 657 00:33:53,531 --> 00:33:56,367 Oh... yeah, okay. Let's do it. 658 00:33:57,577 --> 00:34:00,830 - It's for the kids. - For the kids, yes. 659 00:34:01,956 --> 00:34:03,624 - Okay. - Okay. 660 00:34:03,708 --> 00:34:05,376 - Good night. - Good night, okay. 661 00:34:07,712 --> 00:34:10,297 I've never felt anything so intense in my life. 662 00:34:14,342 --> 00:34:15,502 I think I'm in love with you. 663 00:34:21,434 --> 00:34:24,853 You're in love with you... with me. 664 00:34:26,731 --> 00:34:29,525 And the weed doesn't hurt. 665 00:34:29,609 --> 00:34:33,696 No, no. It's not just that. 666 00:34:38,326 --> 00:34:40,369 True, I'm also very good at sex. 667 00:34:41,120 --> 00:34:45,373 You... are. 668 00:35:35,883 --> 00:35:38,594 ♪ Mm-mm-mm-mm-mm ♪ 669 00:35:38,678 --> 00:35:42,348 And just like that... I found a glimmer of hope. 670 00:35:43,891 --> 00:35:47,979 ♪ Love when it comes without a warnin' ♪ 671 00:35:48,062 --> 00:35:52,441 ♪ 'Cause waitin' for it gets so borin' ♪ 672 00:35:52,525 --> 00:35:56,904 ♪ A lot can change in twenty seconds ♪ 673 00:35:56,988 --> 00:35:59,532 ♪ A lot can happen in the dark ♪ 674 00:36:01,158 --> 00:36:05,413 ♪ Love when it makes you lose your bearings ♪ 675 00:36:05,496 --> 00:36:10,042 ♪ Some information's not for sharing ♪ 676 00:36:10,126 --> 00:36:14,297 ♪ Use different names at hotel check-ins ♪ 677 00:36:14,380 --> 00:36:16,674 ♪ It's hard to stop it once it starts ♪ 678 00:36:16,757 --> 00:36:19,343 ♪ It starts ♪ 679 00:36:20,678 --> 00:36:22,305 ♪ I'm not sentimental ♪ 680 00:36:22,388 --> 00:36:28,769 ♪ But there's somethin' 'bout the way you look tonight, mm ♪ 681 00:36:28,853 --> 00:36:30,897 ♪ Makes me wanna take a picture ♪ 682 00:36:30,980 --> 00:36:35,985 ♪ Make a movie with you that we'd have to hide ♪ 683 00:36:36,068 --> 00:36:39,947 ♪ You better lock your phone ♪ 684 00:36:40,031 --> 00:36:44,160 ♪ And look at me when you're alone ♪ 685 00:36:44,243 --> 00:36:48,664 ♪ Won't take a lot to get you goin' ♪ 686 00:36:48,748 --> 00:36:51,792 ♪ I'm sorry if it's torture though ♪ 687 00:36:51,876 --> 00:36:53,586 ♪ I know, I know ♪ 688 00:36:53,669 --> 00:36:57,423 ♪ You better lock your door ♪ 689 00:36:57,506 --> 00:37:00,593 ♪ And look at me a little more ♪ 690 00:37:01,886 --> 00:37:05,306 ♪ We both know I'm worth waitin' for ♪ 691 00:37:05,389 --> 00:37:09,560 ♪ That heavy breathin' on the floor ♪ 692 00:37:09,644 --> 00:37:11,812 ♪ I'm yours, I'm yours ♪ 693 00:37:11,896 --> 00:37:13,814 ♪ I'm yours ♪ 694 00:37:30,456 --> 00:37:32,208 ♪ I'm not sentimental ♪ 52935

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