Original subtitles

(theme music playing)

You're ruining it! Get your fingers out of it!

It's mine!

BERNIE: Hey, hey, hey. I made it,

and she ruined it. It's my oven

and I don't want to share with him anymore!

JORDAN: We had a deal: I make 'em

and you eat 'em.

I'm full!

BERNIE: Jordan, Jordan,

come, come here for a minute.

(frustrated groan)

BERNIE: Come on in here.

Go on over there.

What's your problem?

How old is your sister?

Nine.

And how old are you?

Twelve.

Why don't you go outside

and play with kids your own age?

"A," they don't let me,

and "B," my cartoons are on.

As a matter of fact...

BERNIE: That's another thing, you stay in the house

and keep watching these doggone cartoons.

I'm sick of that. You don't leave the house

between 2:00 and 4:00 because of your soaps.

That's a complicated relationship about stories.

It don't concern you.

All right. Can we talk about this after Sonic X?

Oh, get on out of here.

(car horn honks)

(upbeat music playing)

Oh, no, get out of my seat.

BRYANA: Uh-uh, I called front seat.

BERNIE: Jordan, just get in the back.

I can't sit in the back with her in the front.

What will it look like?

BERNIE: Hey, just get in the back.

Get out! Stop! Stop! Stop!

BERNIE: Jordan, get in the back seat now, man!

(grunts) (laughing)

See you, Jordan.

Bye.

Hi, Jason, you need a lift?

No, thanks, Mr. Mac.

I walk home.

(blows raspberry)

What's wrong with this boy?

It's like he's regressing, or something.

I got to take action, America.

If it mean kicking him in the backside

into puberty, so be it.

I got to take action.

Kick his ass like a extra point.

WANDA: Okay, thanks.

Hey, Nessa, dinner's almost ready.

I'm not hungry.

Okay.

(door slams close)

WANDA: Vanessa?

(knocks on door)

WANDA: Are you okay?

No.

WANDA: Honey, I'm coming in.

(upbeat music playing)

Sweetie?

What's the matter?

I don't want to talk about it.

(sighs)

Okay, is it a boy?

It's about 20 of them.

What?

You can't tell Uncle Bernie.

Okay, well, talk to me.

Okay, well, you know how sometimes

I go swimming after school?

Mm-hmm.

Well, today a bunch of us went swimming,

and there's this big-mouth named Andrew Gumpert,

and he dared me to jump off the high board.

Okay. So, I couldn't let him show me up.

So, I did a swan dive, and it was really good.

Okay, good for you. (chuckles)

No, it wasn't. No?

When I came up out of the water, my...

my top had fallen off,

and everyone saw me topless.

Oh, aw, ouch.

I don't think I can ever go back.

Can I transfer?

Ooh, that's rough.

But no, you can't transfer.

(groans)

I know it's gonna be

a rough next couple of days,

but pinky swear, it'll blow over.

(knocks on door)

BERNIE: Hey, girls!

What's going on?

Nothing! Nothing!

We'll be out!

It'll be okay.

BERNIE: Jordan, you're about to become a teenager.

You have to start acting more mature.

You have to start acting like it.

Want me to act like Vanessa?

No, I definitely don't want you to.

I want you to become more independent,

like your friend, Jason.

I bet he don't fight over front seats.

Well, that's because he walks home.

That's my point.

And that's what you're gonna start doing,

starting tomorrow.

You're walking home.

You're becoming a man.

You're gonna let me walk home?!

Awesome!

How dangerous can it be, baby?

We live in Encino.

What's the worst thing that's gon' happen?

He gon' fall in the pool?

Do you really think he can handle it?

Sweetheart, when I was his age,

I was all over the place.

I was on the bus, the el.

I was sitting there, man, at Smitty's.

Long as I was back in time

to set the table for Big Mama dinner.

Well, you know he has asthma.

Sweetheart, we asking him to walk.

Not asking him to run.

The school ain't nothing but a half a mile away

from the home.

He's gonna be fine.

I don't know, Bernie.

Well, I know.

And that's final.

He's going to be a man someday.

He's going to be all right.

(car signal beeping)

(upbeat music playing)

BERNIE: You don't look like you're ready for school.

WANDA: Uh, she's sick.

She's gonna stay home today.

VANESSA: (coughs)

You weren't sick all this weekend.

I don't feel no fever.

WANDA: That's because it's a stomach thing.

BERNIE: Oh, yeah?

All right, but stay out of my bathroom, you hear me?

WANDA: Uno mas, por favor.

Don't talk to strangers.

Don't forget to look both ways

and don't play with fire ants.

Sweetheart, quit treating the boy like a baby.

The boy knows to come home.

Come straight home after school.

Simple as that.

Come straight home.

Thank you.

Okay, well, one last thing.

I bought this medic alert bracelet

to make sure that everyone knows

about your allergies, okay?

Now, this one is "A" through "F,"

and this one is "G" through "Z," okay?

Sweetheart, that boy don't want to be wearing no...

Cool! Now I can be like Wonder Woman!

Plink, plink, plink, plink, plink!

Mmm. Kiss.

Got to go.

(car horn honking) ALL: Car!

(music playing)

BERNIE: Hey, baby. Hi.

Um... hi.

Did you know that Jordan was outside playing football?

Sure do. What do you think this for?

Football?

Yeah, with Todd and them.

Todd? Yeah.

Isn't he the one that stole his socks?

It sure is. Oh!

No, no, no, no, no, no.

Wanda, Wanda, come here.

They bonded on the walk home.

I told you.

I told you.

Yeah, you told me.

(chuckles)

Bernie Mac knows what he's doing.

Jordan's playing football with the fellas.

I told her that!

Man!

That's sour.

Tart.

Gack!

Tangy.

Yahh!

Yahh.

(music playing)

Hmm.

I call.

Okay, big fella, what you got?

Full house, ladies and gentlemen.

Say what? Yes, sir.

Yes, sir. That's pretty.

Well played.

(others snickering)

"Well played"?

You're into him

for a buck 50.

Where's the sore loser?

The insults, the threats?

You know, the reason we come here, man.

(laughing)

No, I'm in a great mood, man.

I'm in a great mood, y'all.

Here, Uncle Bernie, here's your chips.

Thank you.

And that's the reason why, right there.

What, you taught him to fetch?

(laughing)

I'm kidding. That's foul.

BERNIE: Hey, son, tell the guys what you been doing.

I played football with the fellas.

I was the designated hiker.

(chuckling)

He's walking home from school now,

so he's playing sports afterwards with all the guys.

Uh-huh, and tomorrow

they're actually gonna throw me the ball.

All right guys. I got to go rest up.

Good night.

All right now, little man.

See you, big fella.

MAN: All right, man, I remember them days

walking home, boy,

and we used to set it off.

Yeah, we had fun.

MAN: Them practical jokes, man.

I remember this one time, man,

I had this neighbor I didn't like.

So, I took their mailbox, right?

And then when they bought a new one,

I waited a couple days, stole that one

and put the old one back.

Classics!

Criminal, son.

Federal. (laughing)

Hey, but we didn't have no doggone mailboxes, man.

We'd just take the mailman.

(laughing)

And that's why I'm pretty sure

she's into me.

Dude, Sister Lois is not into you.

You know what?

Let's just agree to disagree.

You know what, guys? I been thinking.

We should set it off.

Oh, man.

Set what off?

Set what off?

(sighs) (music playing)

(doorbell rings)

(door opens)

SINGER: ♪ Cool Jerk ♪

♪ Cool Jerk ♪ Hello?

(knocks on door)

SINGER: ♪ Cool Jerk ♪

♪ Cool Jerk ♪

♪ We know a cat who can really do the Cool Jerk! ♪

Hello?

SINGER: ♪ We know a cat who can really do the Cool Jerk ♪

(whispers) Go, go, go!

SINGER: ♪ Well... ♪ (doorbell rings)

SINGER: ♪ This cat they talkin' about ♪

I must be losing my mind. SINGER: ♪ I wonder ♪

♪ Who could it be? ♪

♪ 'Cause I know I'm the happiest cat ♪

(snickering)

SINGER: ♪ The happiest cat ♪

♪ You ever did see! ♪

That was hilarious.

Man, I seriously thought that old lady

was going to hear me laughing.

You know what?

We have to do that to Mr. Meanie.

You mean that guy on your block?

The one that keeps every ball

that lands on his yard?

No way.

That guy's nuts.

JORDAN: I can't.

It's too far.

If I get home too late, my Uncle Bernie

won't let me walk anymore.

Oh.

But maybe I can get around

that tomorrow.

All right!

Yeah, yeah.

BERNIE: Hey, what you doing with my old pillows on?

The guys are letting me play goalie.

Street hockey?

You see this?

Just a few days ago, he was friendless.

I mean watching cartoons, fighting with his baby sister.

Now this man is breaking down all racial barriers

and playing goalie.

My man. My man.

And tomorrow, we're playing basketball.

Hold up.

You mean to tell me you're playing basketball,

hockey and football

all in one week?

Oh.

Oh, my heart is still beating.

Oh, my God.

Too bad I can't play, though.

You keep on practicing, you'll hit some baskets.

JORDAN: No, it's just that

they're playing at Todd's house,

and you said I have to come straight home.

BERNIE: Well, don't you worry about what I said.

You go on over to Todd's house,

and, uh , hey,

you go on and play.

You hear me?

Hey, what are you all using for a puck?

Okay, see now,

this contradicts the beginning.

Check it out.

Aunt Wanda?

Yeah?

Can I borrow your Cosmo?

Uh, yeah, it's right next to my bed.

Thanks.

She ain't sick.

I know sick.

Honey, I said I would handle it.

Well, Wanda, you handle it, okay?

Okay. 'Cause she ain't sick.

These eyes--I see everything.

And I know sick when I see it.

Don't nothing get past me.

JORDAN: TP?

Two rolls of two-ply.

Eggs? Check.

Matches?

Check.

Dog poop?

Check.

Oh, man, I'm in trouble.

What happened?

I grabbed my dad's lunch by mistake.

(laughing)

JORDAN: Oh, man.

All right, Operation Mr. Meanie is a go.

All we need to do is see a dog about some poo.

(chuckles) Yeah.

VANESSA: They're still talking about it?

Ugh! I am so humiliated.

I don't think I can ever go back to school.

Nessa?

Are you finally gonna tell me

what's going on around here?

I'll call you back.

Baby, what's going on?

(sighs)

Oh, Nessa, come on.

They saw all of it?

You didn't have the right size on or something?

You're not making me feel any better.

I'm not trying to make you feel bad.

They saw all of it?

(doorbell rings)

You-you know what, I-I'm gonna let you

and your Aunt Wanda handle this.

This is over my head.

Going to be all on the bathroom wall.

Oh!

(doorbell rings)

I knew she was faking.

Hey, Mr. Martin, how are you doing?

What can I do for you? Listen,

I caught your boy here vandalizing my property.

No, that can't be.

He was playing basketball with his friends.

MR. MARTIN: Yeah, yeah, whatever.

Uh, there were five of them,

and this one was the slowest.

Come on in here, boy.

Right now, come on in here.

I guess he's lying on you, too, huh?

Thank you, Mr. Martin, I really appreciate it.

I'm sorry.

I should have known he wasn't playing

all those sports!

No, America, he was playing me.

Exploiting my deepest desires.

That's the only way he got past the all-seeing eye.

America, there ain't no way

he's gonna get past the backhand.

Got me in trouble with Mr. Meanie.

You saw him when he came to the door.

You saw his face.

Scared the hell out of me.

I ain't never been scared of a white man,

since I saw Roots.

How'd it go?

The boy was singing like a damn canary.

Gave up all his accomplices.

I called all the parents.

WANDA: Well, at least I'm relieved

he won't be walking to school anymore.

Oh, he's walking to school.

But I guarantee he won't be pulling

that Mr. Meanie stuff no more,

and he's gonna be sleeping on his belly.

You're gonna make him walk after all?

Sure am.

He's walking.

Look, sweetheart,

you can't keep coddling the boy.

You can't keep treating him like Nessa.

You don't even know what it's like

to be a teenage girl.

Sweetheart, I'm sorry the boys saw her, too.

Believe me, I am.

But she can't hide forever.

She's gonna have to face the boys sooner or later.

And later is now, okay?

She's going to school tomorrow.

Hmm, Yeah, you got a point,

and she is going back to school tomorrow.

Thank you.

And for the boys?

They're going to see Mr. Meanie.

And they're going to make up for that mess they made.

JASON: Great! Now I'm gonna smell like soap all day.

JORDAN: Come on, guys. It's not that bad.

JASON: Do me a favor, Snitch.

Don't talk to me.

JORDAN: It's not my fault.

My Uncle Bernie breaks me down.

(sighs) He knows how to make a man talk.

He gets into my head. He uses tactics.

TODD: Well, I know how to make a man shut up.

Now shut up.

MR. MARTIN: Uh, excuse me.

A little less chatter, a little more elbow.

(bell rings)

Hey, Snitch.

I think I saw someone run down the hall.

Maybe you wanna tell your Uncle.

See you on the walk home.

But it wasn't my fault.

You know how Uncle Bernie breaks you down.

(sighs) He uses tactics.

What was I supposed to do?

Lie.

All right, back up.

Something might jump out.

Hmm.

Maybe they're not as mad as I thought.

STUDENT: Rat!

Oh...

(car horn honking)

(upbeat music playing)

(grunts)

Hey, what happened to you?

Rough day in gym.

Dodgeball.

Took one right in the knee.

I don't think I'll be able to walk home today.

Maybe we need to check that out.

No, no. I just need to soak it when I get home.

Hey, what's he doing in my seat?

Front seat.

(TV chatter)

BOTH: Hey!

Jordan, why you not outside?

You know, you should be outside playing.

What you stuck in here for?

I'd rather catch up on my 'toons.

WANDA: Hey, guys.

Royal Burgers!

Royal Burger! Royal Burger!

Did you see that boy take out of here like a bat out of hell?

Leg didn't look hurt to me.

Did it to you all, America?

Uh-uh. Hell, no.

(chuckles)

That Royal Burger must work miracles.

I sure don't see no limp.

Oh, uh, yeah.

It comes and goes.

I'm gonna need a ride home tomorrow, too.

Ow, ow.

Ow!

All right, give it to me straight.

What's going on around here?

Who, Snitch?

What are you saying?

That's what everybody calls him at school

for telling on his friends.

Oh, he'll get over it, trust me.

So I guess this little thing here is kind of like gone?

VANESSA: Pretty much. See, Andrew Gumpert

got beat up by his sister

in front of everyone.

So now the whole school's

talking about it.

You got off the hook kind of nice.

VANESSA: Real nice.

(laughs)

(laughs)

(upbeat music playing)

Let me in.

I'm not opening the door, Jordan.

But my leg. Ow.

Look, I know you boys been making a big deal out

of this snitching thing.

Evidently, snitching runs

in this family.

Hurry. They're coming. Let me in!

BERNIE: You have to face those boys.

Once you start running, you'll never stop.

And I'm okay with that.

BERNIE: Jordan, I'm the one who wanted you

to walk home in the first place

because I wanted you to grow up,

and part of growing up is facing your fears.

Okay, but if I'm not home in an hour,

come looking for me, please.

Hey, guys, I got lemonheads.

Who cares, Snitch?

SINGER: ♪ I know we can make it work ♪

♪ I know we can make it if we try... ♪

All right, America.

That's probably gonna be the longest walk home

of Jordan's life.

But also, it's gonna be a big step forward

to him becoming a man.

Besides, you know how kids are.

They probably just roughed him up a little bit,

and by the time they get home,

they'd be the best of friends again.

(door opens)

Hey, Jordan, how'd it go?

You tell me.

BERNIE: Oh, man,

they'll get over it.

A few days.

A week tops.

Maybe a month.

The longest a guy stopped talking to me,

I think, it was one year.

I asked him for a ride on his bike.

He said, "My mama said, 'Don't let nobody ride

on the bike .'"

I said, "I'm going to the corner

and come back."

I went three blocks.

His mother saw me on the bike.

Whopped his behind.

You know, back then, we had spankings, you know.

That boy wouldn't speak to me for over a year.

MAN: Cut!

(chuckles)

They something else.

Captioned by Visual Data