Original subtitles

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)

(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING)

Hey, hey, hey. What you think you're doing?

Getting some coffee. BERNIE: No, no, no, no, no.

You're too young to drink coffee.

Put that down. VANESSA: Fine.

There's a coffee stand at school.

(PHONE RINGING)

Hold that thought.

(PHONE BEEPS) Hello?

WALKER (OVER PHONE): Uh, yes. Hello. This is Principal Walker

calling from Chicago.

Principal Walker. WALKER (OVER PHONE): Yes, that's right.

Hey, man, how you doing? WALKER (OVER PHONE): Fine, is this Bernie?

Yeah, this is Bernie Mac.

WALKER (OVER PHONE): (LAUGHS) Bernie, your old school wants to honor you.

What? WALKER (OVER PHONE): With a statue.

You got to be kidding.

(LAUGHS)

I mean, Principal, I mean, I just can't believe it.

WALKER (OVER PHONE): It's our honor. Thank you for calling, okay?

Appreciate it. I do.

Hey. Honey,

please. Hmm?

Please, honey, I almost hurt myself.

Could you hang the picture up, honey? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Today? Yes.

Listen to me.

That was the principal calling.

They think my work is an inspiration for the kids.

They want to honor me in Chicago.

Ain't that something?

What? That's wonderful. I'm happy for you.

What... When is it?

They said someone's gonna call with all the details,

but dig this. Hmm?

They want to make a statue of me,

place it where I used to cut class

and tell all my jokes and stuff.

Okay, guys. What do you think about that?

Your uncle's being honored in Chicago?

Do we get to go and miss school?

Nope.

Some big whoop.

It is a big whoop, America.

I used to love to make people laugh in high school,

but back then, they give you detention.

Now they giving me, the Mac Man,

Bernie Mac, a statue?

I don't do what I do for recognition, America,

but when you do things and you don't expect nothing from it,

I have to truly say, America,

it sure is nice.

It's real nice.

Thanks for having me tonight.

Tonight. Hey, honey.

Hey, baby. How's the speech coming?

I don't know. I'm a little nervous, man.

I haven't performed in front of kids in a long time.

Aww, you'll be fine, honey. Mwah.

Hey, you know what? I forgot to tell you at dinner. What?

Your school called and I got all the info for your trip.

You're kidding. Nope.

So all I got to do is book a flight?

Did it. Bam.

You gotta be kidding. Here's your itinerary.

You leave next Thursday.

Uh-oh.

What? Mmm, 4A.

Yeah.

That's a window. Yeah.

I really don't do windows.

I do aisles.

Hate the clouds.

It's no big deal.

Well... I'll change it.

(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING)

BERNIE: Ahh.

You're gonna be clean, there, brother.

Here you go.

I brought you the big one in case you want to stay

a couple of extra days or weeks.

(LAUGHS)

You're something else.

Hey. Hey, baby.

Oh, Wanda.

I was afraid you might not be able to get off early.

You picked up my dry cleaning. Thank you.

Ta-dah.

Wait a minute.

This is not my red suit.

This is my cranberry-red suit.

Honey, this is your very sharp suit, okay?

No, it's not.

Honey, it is.

All you have to do is put a cream-colored shirt with it, honey,

and you'll look fantastic.

Here.

I got you a neck pillow.

(PHONE RINGING) You remember.

The crook in my neck. (PHONE RINGING)

I liked the other one better.

Anyway... (GRUNTS)

...this is top notch.

Stop playing. BRYANA: Uncle Bernie!

Go ahead. I'll pack. Stop hollering!

BRYANA: Uncle Bernie! Stop hollering!

(SIGHS)

(PHONE BEEPS)

Hello, this is Bernie Mac. WALKER (OVER PHONE): Bernie, you still in L.A.?

Yeah, yeah. WALKER (OVER PHONE): What? (YELLING)

Oh, ho, ho. Calm down.

Chill-ax. WALKER (OVER PHONE): The ceremony was today!

What do you mean "today"? WALKER (OVER PHONE): Today!

The kids were all excited, but of course you didn't bother to show up.

No, no, no, no, no. WALKER (OVER PHONE): (YELLING)

Whoa, oh-ho.

Tell me this is the Bernie Mac you remember?

WALKER (OVER PHONE): That's what I said.

Apparently school still means nothing to you.

Principal Walker, let me do this.

Let me sort this out,

and I'll call you right back. WALKER (OVER PHONE): Fine.

Okay, I promise. WALKER (OVER PHONE): Fine.

All right, thank you.

(PHONE BEEPS)

Honey, what's wrong?

(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING)

The ceremony is today.

No, I specifically remember booking your flight

the day before my conference, which is tomorrow. Oh!

Oh, my God.

Oh, honey.

I must have put both dates in my head,

and I booked your flight for the date of my conference.

I'm sorry.

BERNIE: Oh, Wanda, what am I gonna do now?

Can they reschedule?

BERNIE: No, they can't reschedule.

They already revealed the statue.

Probably got graffiti all on it.

So you're not going?

Apparently not.

(SIGHS) Great.

Honey, I am so sorry.

Wanda, I just can't believe you got the date wrong.

(GRUNTS)

It was a mistake.

A big mistake, Wanda.

(SIGHS) Okay, you know what?

I made an error. I'm sorry.

I mean, between my job and corralling the kids,

and making dinner and booking your flight

and picking up your suit

and picking up a neck pillow for you,

I made one mistake.

On the biggest part!

You know what?

I don't work for you.

I'm your wife,

and sweetheart, if you don't like the way I do things...

hire an assistant.

(SIGHS)

(BRIGHT PING)

That's not a half-bad idea.

Oh, I know Wanda said it to be snippy, but why not?

See, America, with an assistant,

there's less for Wanda to do

and therefore there's less for her to mess up.

Win, win.

Problem solved.

Everybody's happy.

(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING)

Oh, you must be America.

Hi, I'm Dosha,

Mr. Mac's personal assistant.

Mr. Mac is expecting you.

You just follow me, please.

Can I get you anything?

Water?

No? Okay.

Well, here we are.

Mr. Mac, your 3:00 is here.

BERNIE: I'm not here. (SIGHS)

Mr. Mac, it's America.

BERNIE: Oh, America.

Send them right in. (CHUCKLES)

After you.

BERNIE: Hey.

How you doing?

(DOOR SHUTS) Hey, America,

look at that.

Isn't she fantastic?

My own personal assistant.

Now, I know what some of you all are thinking.

Bernie Mac with his own personal assistant,

he's gone Hollywood.

That's not so,

and just because I'm my own man,

I'm self made,

don't... (KNOCKS ON DOOR)

...don't think I can't make my own cappuccino.

Thank you. You're welcome.

(SIGHS) Look at that, America.

Oh, smell the cocoa.

Mmm.

And the foam.

That's what turns me on. Mm-hmm.

It's kind of cold.

Would you like me to warm it up?

Yes, would you?

I'm so sorry.

...this meeting on Monday.

BERNIE: Tuesday. That's when I trap shoot, and everything.

Oh, hey, honey.

Hey, baby. Hi, I'm sorry.

I didn't know we had company. Mwah.

I'm sorry, that's a little early for Mr. Mac.

Oh. Can we try a lunch meeting?

Sure. I'll hold.

Who's that?

Her name is Dosha. Oh.

She's my new assistant.

You have a new assistant?

Yeah. You're the one who recommended it.

Yeah, I did recommend it,

but obviously you didn't really understand what I meant.

Excuse me, Mr. Mac. Yes.

You're confirmed for lunch

with Mr. Hudland tomorrow, 1:00 at the Ivy. All right.

I'm so sorry. I'm Dosha.

Hi. I'm Wanda. Wanda Mac, April 26. Yes.

Hey, that's her birthday.

Mm-hmm. She even got that down.

Well... So you know I'll never forget it now.

It's on every calendar in the house.

Yeah. Yeah.

(KEYBOARD BEEPING)

Hi. Dosha, right?

Yeah. Jordan, December 2nd.

Hey, you're good.

Wow. Uncle Bernie sure knows a lot of famous people.

I didn't know Sean Wayans had brothers. (CHUCKLES)

Who's Paul Levesque?

Oh, you know him, that's Triple H.

You mean the wrestler?

Uncle Bernie knows Triple H? Guess so.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I've got some inputting to do.

Huh? Oh, sure.

(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING)

(KEYBOARD BEEPING)

(PHONE BEEPING)

(PHONE RINGS AND BEEPS) Hello?

Is this Triple H? Wrong number.

JORDAN (OVER PHONE): Okay, I know it's you, Paul.

Just say it one time and I'll leave you alone.

Say what? You know.

"I am the game and I am that damn good."

I'm hanging up.

I'll just keep calling.

All right, one time, all right?

But you never call here again you got that?

I promise.

I am the game, and I'm that damn good.

No, say it like you mean it.

Say it like you're gonna pedigree

Stone Cold Steve Austin.

I am the game and I'm that damn good!

Cool. Talk to you tomorrow. Bye.

Hey, wait!

(PHONE BEEPS)

Oh! Good evening, Mrs. Mac. Oh, Dosha.

I threw that frozen lasagna in the oven for dinner.

Should be ready in about a half hour.

That's for tomorrow night.

I'm sorry. Mr. Mac said he was hungry

and I was just trying to get dinner going.

Mm. It looked delicious.

Was it your recipe?

Mm-hmm.

BERNIE: Oh, hey, I feel a little tired tonight.

(MOAN)

Mmm. You smell nice. Is that new? Thank you.

Yeah, baby.

Dosha bought it for me.

Isn't she amazing? Smell it.

Yeah, I smelled you when you got in bed.

Mmm.

(MOAN) (CLEARS THROAT)

What's wrong, baby?

You know, I've been buying you lotion for 12 years. Uh-huh.

And I don't remember you calling me amazing.

Oh, Wanda. You know I love the way you buy me lotion.

Come on, now. (CLICKS TONGUE)

No. You know what? I'm not playing.

What you talking about?

You know... (SIGHS)

you make me feel like you don't appreciate

all the little things that I do for you. Aw, stop it. I'm not,

I'm not going there with you. Not tonight.

Come on, now, Wanda.

I appreciate everything you do for me.

I might not notice a lot, baby,

because they be so little.

I'm a big-picture man.

(BIRDS CHIRPING)

(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING)

Hey, sweetheart, you forgot to set the alarm this morning.

Oh, did I? Yeah, you did.

Made me miss my golf time

at the Riviera this morning.

You know it takes me months to set that tee time up.

Doggone it. Who set the butter inside the refrigerator?

Oh, I guess I did that.

Sweetheart, you know how much I hate that.

It gets all hard and cold and everything.

Then when I go to put it on the toast,

it puts holes in the toast.

Damn.

You see what she's trying to do, America? Don't you?

She's trying to make me feel bad.

Punish me by withholding her niceties.

But what she can't see is,

there's a hole in her plan,

and I know how to fill it.

Oh, yeah.

And I'll watch the kids for you, no problem.

BERNIE: Dosha, I... you don't have to do that.

It's okay, it's all right. I don't mind.

Thank you. You're welcome.

WANDA: Afternoon, Dosha.

Hi, Mrs. Mac.

Hi, baby.

Mm-hmm.

Excuse me, Dosha.

Hey.

You know, I want to apologize to you, I really do.

For all the things you been doing.

I know it had to be quite boring to you.

Uh-uh, I never said it was boring.

BERNIE: But it couldn't have been any fun.

You no longer have to do that.

Especially with Dosha here. Right, Dosha?

Sure, I guess so.

Hmm.

So I'm being replaced by your assistant?

No, no. Ain't no...

ain't no such thing.

I ain't got no doggone assistant.

We have an assistant.

"We"?

That should handle everything.

Now that she doesn't have to take care of Mac Man,

Wanda have more time for herself.

And let me tell you something, America.

This assistant thing

is real easy to get used to.

DOSHA: Excuse me, America.

Mr. Mac, here's your mail.

Minus the junk mail, of course.

Thank you.

Ooh.

You know what? Thank you for all of your help.

It's what I do. All right.

Dosha.

You know I had a 4:00 appointment w-with Mama Kim?

You told me... You told me

that you were going to watch the kids.

That lady cursed me out in Korean.

Ooh. I'm sorry, but Mrs. Mac said it was okay

and asked me to help her run a few errands.

Yeah, because she's our assistant.

No, she's more mine than she is yours.

You know, maybe I should go check

some e-mails or something. No, no, no.

You don't need to go check on no e-mail.

You haven't done anything wrong.

You know, maybe you should go check on some e-mails, sweetie,

and let me talk to my husband in private.

You don't tell her where to go

when I'm talking to her, Wanda.

That's your problem. You interfere.

Excuse me, hi, hey, you know what? This conversation

is about to get heavy. Hey, hi, there.

This is starting to feel a lot like Nick Nolte's house

and I really don't need this. Here you go.

Thank you. How's this...

(ALL TALKING AT ONCE)

WANDA: Why are you talking to her like that...

So, you quit? WANDA: ...if she's supposed to be your assistant?

I ain't never had nobody quit on me. See? You know what?

America.

Wanda did that on purpose.

She knew my nails was raggedy.

What's her problem?

I was nice enough to share my assistant with her.

Try to make her life easier.

Spiteful woman.

I ought to get a new assistant

just to deal with all her bull.

(PHONE BEEPING)

WANDA: Bernie? Hmm?

It kills me every time I see this picture.

Could you please hang it up now?

I can't do it now.

I'm texting Jerry about my concert dates.

Okay, so when do you think you'll have time?

I don't know. Ever since Dosha quit,

I've had to do things by myself.

So, thanks to you,

I'll get to it whenever I get to it.

To what?

Thanks to me, Dosha quit?

It's not my fault.

And congratulations, your little plan worked.

What plan? To punish me for having that assistant.

Why do I bother?

Yeah, why do I bother?

(DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING ON TV)

(PHONE BEEPING)

(PHONE RINGS)

(PHONE BEEPS)

Hello?

Hey, Trip, it's me.

'Course it is.

So what you doing?

Nothing.

What are you doing?

I built a ramp for my bike.

You should have seen it.

I got some sweet air.

Oh, you should be careful with that.

You might break your neck.

I'd like to do that myself.

You sound just like my uncle.

Oh, yeah? Who's your uncle?

Nuh-uh, I wasn't born yesterday.

Oh, what a hit!

What ya watching?

Uh, Fox Sports, Channel 203.

Hold it, they're gonna replay it.

TRIPLE H: Oh, that was a vicious hit.

I know. He laid him out cold!

(CLATTERING)

(SIGHS) Doggone it, where is it?

Ooh.

You made a mess. BERNIE: It's my house.

I can make a mess.

Oh, baby girl,

do you know what Aunt Wanda did with my charger?

No. Do you want me to ask her? No, no, no, no.

I don't want you to ask her nothing. I'll do it myself.

(THUDS) (WANDA SCREAMS)

Bernie! What the hell is that?

Wanda?

(WANDA MOANS) BERNIE: Hey, hey, hey, you all right?

No, I was trying to hang the picture up

and it fell on my foot.

Why would you try to do that? I'd have done it for you.

Ugh. BERNIE: No, no, no! D-don't try to move.

I'm gonna call the doctor.

WANDA: Wouldn't it be easier if you just drove me to the emergency room?

Hell, no.

Ain't no second year intern gonna look at my wife's foot.

I'm calling the Lakers' doctor who looked at, uh...

at Shaq's toe.

You stay right there.

Don't move.

(GROANING)

So what age did you start growing?

You do realize when I find out who you are,

I'm gonna kill you.

Yeah, but you won't find out.

Hey, I'm on the phone.

Jordan, listen, I need you to hang up right away.

Your Auntie, she hurt her ankle.

I have to call the hospital.

Bernie? Is that you?

Paul?

What you doing on the phone?

(CHUCKLE)

So that's how you got my number.

Jordan...

I'm gonna kill you.

(PHONE BEEPS)

BERNIE: How's this, baby? WANDA: Honey,

please, don't move it again.

I won't.

(SIGHS) Let me straighten you up a little bit, okay?

Okay, take it easy. I am, sweetheart.

Here, raise up, raise up.

Ooh. Oh, I'm sorry.

Okay, that's too high.

Okay, now this is gonna have to do it

until I go out and get you a better one.

It's fine.

Anything else I can get you?

Are you cold? Need a blanket?

(WANDA CHUCKLES)

Honey, I just have a sprain, okay? Okay.

You don't have to do all this because you feel guilty.

What?

You think I'm doing all this because I feel guilty?

Wanda, let me tell you something.

I'm doing this because you're my wife

and I love you,

and I want you to be comfortable.

That's the only reason why I'm doing it.

Aww, honey, that's sweet.

See, now that's all I was trying to say...

that the things that I do for you,

I do them because I love you. I know.

Because you do nice things for people that you love. Yeah.

That's all I was trying to get you to understand. I know.

SINGER: ♪ So in love

You know something else, Wanda?

I feel like an ass.

Aw, it's okay.

But you stay right there.

You'll have to chill-ax, relax.

'Cause I've got dinner almost ready

and I made your favorite.

What? Guess what?

Cornish hen, wild rice.

JORDAN: What are we gonna eat? 'Cause I am starvi...

Hello, Jordan.

It's time to play the game.

(WHIMPERS)

(SNORTS)

(CHUCKLING)

You see what she's trying to do!

Don't you, America?

She's trying to make me feel real bad,

punish me, withholding her nice...

(CHOKING AND COUGHING)

(MUTTERING)

(LAUGHTER)

It went down the wrong pipe.

Niceties.