Original subtitles

(theme music playing)

What the heck is going on with you?

Look like a cat threw you up.

I'm expressing myself.

Aunt Wanda said I could.

WANDA: Well, you know, she was sad.

Uh-huh. See, she has to wear that uniform all the time

and she said she never gets to wear her cute clothes,

so I told... Cute?

She look like she broke.

WANDA: (laughs) I told her

that she could wear her things

after school and on the weekends.

(door opens)

Uncle Bernie, I finished spreading the manure

around the yard.

(gasps)

Oh, my God.

Did you get any on the lawn?

And look at this?

I found a colony of beetles

under that big piece of slate in the back.

BERNIE: Get that out of the house! Stop, stop.

Get out the house right now.

You got this whole house smelling like a barn.

What's wrong with you? Ugh.

Okay, but I'm coming back for my cash.

No checks this time.

(door shuts)

Raising kids is like tending to a garden.

Each plant has its own special need.

Some need room to grow, blossom...

express themselves, like Bryana.

Others are fragile,

need constant attention, like Jordan.

And then there are the others.

Where they're just unruly,

grow too fast,

run wild, like...

So, can-can I go to Rap Fest

with my friends next Saturday?

And that's when

any good gardener has to prune back.

Make sure they stay in their row

and don't cross the line.

You know what I mean, America?

Wait a minute.

You're asking, can you go downtown

to a party, right?

With over 19,000

screaming individuals,

high on God knows what.

Uh, is-is that what you're asking?

Uh, well, I think what your uncle is trying to say

is that it's not a good idea.

So that's a "no" from both of you?

That's a "hell, no"

from both of us.

Hell, no.

(scoffs)

I think she's on drugs or dog food.

Uh, hmm, yeah, only two more weeks

and I'll have enough money to buy my new bike.

Already?

You must be working your butt off.

Feel my calluses.

These are working man's hands.

Soft. Well, I use moisturizer.

You have to if you want to keep them nice.

(soft dramatic music playing)

SINGER: ♪ Hey girl ♪

(fireworks popping) SINGER: ♪ Tell me ♪

♪ What you need ♪

Your shoelace is untied.

You look stupid with your mouth wide open.

SINGER: ♪ I like your style ♪

Uh, hi, my name's Jordan.

Do you go to this school?

'Cause I go to this school.

Uh,

you want to play on the jungle gym?

Come on, black people.

Come on, let's go. We're late.

(chuckles)

(mutters)

Come on, pinball.

Let's go.

GIRL: I've got it!

Yes!

Who was that little girl?

A friend.

Just a friend?

Her name's Nef. Short for Nefertari.

You know, like the African princess?

Oh, sounds like somebody has a crush.

♪ Jordan got a girlfriend ♪

♪ Jordan got a girlfriend ♪

Oh, stop it, Baby Girl.

Grow up.

♪ Jordan got a girlfriend ♪

♪ Jordan got a girlfriend ♪

Uncle Bernie, can you take me to the mall?

What, you save for your bike already?

Actually, I'm gonna hold off on my bike.

I think I'm going to get a little present for Nef.

Nef...

That's that girl who's not your girlfriend, right?

(laughing)

Let me see what you got.

Um, I want to buy her this brooch.

You do, huh?

Whew...

That look like it's for a 60-year-old lady.

Look, son, you want to send a message

that you like her, right?

Yeah.

Okay, so what about these hearts?

What's this gold one say?

The gold one say you really like her.

And what about the one with the diamonds?

I think the diamond says, Jordan, that I like her.

Yeah.

Just go with the heart.

Okay. Plus, it's on sale.

Okay, you go get ready.

I'll make a phone call.

I'll meet you in the front, okay?

You see that, America?

The little man getting some bling for his girl.

Soon we're gonna have a little player on our hands.

Look out, girls.

There's a man on the loose.

See, I didn't say man,

I said man.

Big difference.

(chuckling)

(grunts)

(groaning)

Put some on... Why don't you just lock me up

and throw away the key?

Why don't you quit being so doggone dramatic?

I'm sitting up here trying to protect you.

I'm looking out for you.

Ungrateful little kid. Yeah, I tell you.

(sighs) But it's the concert of the year.

Everyone's going.

Even the white girls.

I don't care if they blue.

Why can't you just trust me?

It's not that I don't trust you.

I don't trust them.

All those guys with the testosterone.

They want one thing.

One thing is on they mind.

That's you

and all the other girls you gonna be with.

(sighs) Whatever.

Yeah, whatever.

They ain't gonna get it.

Not according to my watch.

Uncle Bernie! Uncle Bernie! She loved it.

She said it was the prettiest bracelet she'd ever seen.

I told you, you did it with the Mac style.

Boy, look at that smile.

She even invited me to the movies on Saturday.

My first date!

No kidding.

I tell you what I'm gonna do.

I'm gonna spring for everything.

I'm paying for everything.

Wow. And remember one thing, Jordan,

and this is important.

A true man always treats his lady.

Ain't none of that Dutch stuff, okay?

Okay. What you gonna see?

I don't know.

You don't know?

Mm-mmm. Man, come here.

What's wrong with you?

Come on. You don't know.

You take her to a horror movie.

A part come on,

scare the hell out of her.

She'll grab your arm.

She'll cling to you.

"Oh, Jordan, Jordan,

oh, Jordan,

oh!"

Here you go, you real smooth.

"I'm right here, baby."

Real low. Let me hear you say it.

I'm right here, baby.

Yeah, boy, yeah, yeah, you got it.

Then she cling on to you.

And as the movie progress,

you know she still...

"Oh, oh, oh."

And the guy comes and chops her neck off.

"Oh, oh, oh!"

And then you tell her, you say,

"I'll be right back. I need to use the washroom."

"No, Jordan! Don't go.

Don't go nowhere!"

You sit there real cool.

"I'll be right here, baby."

That's when you know you got her.

(sighs) Can I ask you something?

What? You don't want me to go to that concert

because of the guys I'll be around,

right? Right .

Well, why are you trying to turn Jordan into one of them?

What are you talking about? (scoffs) He was telling me

about all the little Mac player moves

you were showing him for his date.

Nessa, it's a big difference

between a male and female.

I keep trying to tell you that.

Oh, I see, it's okay for him to go

to the movies on a date,

but I can't go to a concert with my friends?

Right.

That's a double standard.

Now you understand.

Stand a little bit over there for me.

You-you know what I mean. (scoffs)

(door shuts) One day I'm gonna kill her.

(music playing)

Uh-oh.

All right.

You dawg.

You had a good time, huh?

Things went well, huh?

It went great.

Oh, man, I'm happy for you.

Did you see a scary picture?

No, we saw Butterflies in October.

BERNIE: Butterflies in October?

Was that about a scary butterfly with fangs or something?

No, it was about some girl

and her feelings and all.

She wanted to see it. Not bad.

Hmm.

You sit close to her?

Put your arms around her?

Nah, she sat two people down,

in between Jackie and Chloe.

Red Vine?

Yeah, I'll take one.

Sat two people down.

Jordan said it was a date.

Doesn't sound like any date I ever been on.

But that's okay.

The boy's a slow starter.

At least he got a hug.

And the important thing of it is...

♪ Jordan got a girlfriend ♪

♪ Jordan got a girlfriend ♪

Doesn't he?

(indistinct chatter)

Oh, Lord!

He doesn't have a girlfriend!

He is the girlfriend.

♪ Two, four, six, eight then twelve ♪

♪ And 23 to 34... ♪

America, there's two kind of men in this world:

boyfriend, and then just got friends.

See, just a friend is a guy who goes shopping with the girl,

tell her her hair color look nice,

listen to her complain about her real boyfriend.

But let me tell you something, America.

No man wants to be just a friend.

So what you want them to do, make out?

The boy was skipping rope!

He was turning.

Turning rope. I feel so much better now.

Oh, good, honey. They're kids.

I think their romance is sweet.

Wanda...

let me tell you something.

I'm about to nip it in the bud.

Ten years from now,

the boy will be sitting up there

carrying her handbag,

buying her shoes,

or any other of that feminine stuff,

he'll be doing it.

Hold that. I'm going to put a break to it.

Because I'm not going to be handling it.

I'm not gonna have it.

I'm gonna stop it right now.

Okay, wait a minute.

You stay out of it.

Promise me you'll stay out of it.

(drops shoes)

Whatever. (mutters)

You don't know what you're talking about.

Somebody set up there.

Hey, girl, did you take out that trash?

Nope. BERNIE: What do you mean, "no?"

You go back in there and take the garbage out.

I mean, traditionally,

taking out the trash is a boy's job.

I'm a girl, so I don't think I should have to do it.

You wanted double standards,

you got 'em.

What she say to me?

Nessa, you better stop right there

and take out that doggone trash.

Nessa? VANESSA: No.

Get a boy to do it.

Go take this garbage out!

Hi, Uncle Bernie.

Hey.

(upbeat music playing)

America, I'm living in a madhouse.

(upbeat music playing)

Nessa, come take out this trash!

Couldn't you find somebody else

to turn the rope for her, Jordan?

Yeah, she likes the way I turn it, though.

But don't you wanna be sitting next to her in a movie?

Or holding her hand, walking down the street?

Or her scribbling in your notebook?

VANESSA: (scoffs) Unbelievable.

Look, you don't understand.

It's different for a girl than it is boys.

You just don't understand.

(sighs)

You-you understand what I'm saying, don't you?

Yeah, I'm listening.

So what do you think?

Hmm. You got a dance coming up.

Son, this is when you make your move.

I'll show her one of my tricks.

I'll even explain to her how it's done.

That's sweet, Jordan,

but sweet don't get the girl.

You know, you got to break her down.

Keep her at a distance.

Then you reel her in real slow.

You treat her like the big fish.

Okay?

I'm going to break it down to you

how you treat a woman,

especially when you're all alone.

She wouldn't understand. Yeah.

But when you get a woman...

And the man says, "I'll hold your monkey for you."

(all laugh)

I'm next. Will you turn for me?

Not now, men are talking.

(chuckles)

Are you going to the dance this weekend?

Yeah. Are you?

I might come through. Excuse me.

Yeah, that's a great joke I saw on a website.

It was so funny...

(music playing)

Uncle Bernie, Hmm?

I'm not sure about this new strategy.

I think I hurt her feelings.

Oh, you just got under her skin a little bit.

That shows she likes you, man.

What are you teaching him?

I'm teaching him how to be a man.

You hurt that girl's feelings, you apologize to her.

That's what a real man would do.

All that's coming out of her mouth.

She'll say any doggone thing.

Let me ask you a question.

Am I a nice guy?

Not really. (chuckles)

Who did your aunt marry? JORDAN: You.

You see the grief and the pain

your sister's giving me about the rappers?

You see them turning rope?

No. I rest my case.

Jordan, you just stay your sweet self.

No such thing as sweet.

Sweet get the sucker.

The sucker get licked.

Come on. Let's go in the other room.

Let's talk to you about being a man.

She can't tell you about being no man.

(hip-hop music playing)

♪♪

What's up?

Hi, Jordan.

Is that punch as sweet as you look?

(scoffs)

Yeah, they always do put

a bit too much lemonade in there, huh?

So, you want to be my girl, or what?

Your girl?

I don't even wanna be your friend.

Huh. Yeah, that's funny.

(mutters) Here.

(hip-hop music playing)

♪♪

(dramatic music playing)

(sighs)

(jewelry clatters)

Can I get you anything?

Can't you see his little heart is broken?

What kind of great advice did you give him?

Oh, Wanda, come on.

When he was running around here acting like a little chump,

buying her everything,

she was crazy about him.

But all of a sudden now, he grew up real quick

and now he's a man,

she don't like him no more.

Before that man becomes a man,

he's going to get a million doors

slammed in his face.

Later for her.

(door slams)

See, America?

Door slam all in your face.

Huh! I don't care.

I'm a man.

'Cause men get over it.

Damn sure rude, though, ain't it?

You know it is, America.

Uncalled for.

Heifer.

Hey, what's up, little man?

Nothing.

Oh, he went to some school dance

and some girl at school refused to dance with him

and he been shook up about it ever since.

I told him shake it off.

Pfft. That's what I'd do, man. Move on.

There's more than one fish in the sea, man,

and they all pretty. (laughing)

That's great advice from someone

who hardly ever has a woman.

(all laugh)

Oh, let me tell you something.

I got 'em, baby.

It's just I run through them so fast,

you miss 'em.

It's like, whoosh,

running through the finish line.

Right, right. KELLY: Whoa, whoa,

take it easy, man.

I don't know if that's necessarily the message

you want to be sending to an impressionable young man.

Seriously, y'all, women are treasures

and you should treat them

like the jewels they are.

You know what I'm saying?

(laughing)

Oh, man. Oh, man!

Hey, Kelly, Kelly. I didn't know you had a uterus.

(all laughing)

(laughing stops)

Hey, baby.

Oh, man.

Man, what'd you do?

I'm just being a man.

Yeah, you just being a man

who's sleeping on the couch tonight.

(laughing)

I ain't sweatin' that.

Tonight. (mutters)

(hip-hop music playing)

What, you gonna give me some ice cream

and I'm not supposed to be mad at you?

I bought your favorite.

What's my favorite?

Pistachio Sunrise.

You went all the way to Baked Ice for that?

I sure did,

Pasadena, bad traffic.

Aw,

thank you, honey. That was very sweet.

Mm-hmm.

Mm.

Mm.

Mm! Honey,

Bernie Mac's a sweet man.

I am sweet, ain't I, baby?

Mm-hmm.

But, honey... Hmm?

how come it's not okay for Jordan

to be a sweet little boy?

Trickeration!

She set me up.

She don't understand, America.

I'm hard!

I can afford to be sweet.

You dig down down beneath my sweetness,

there's hardness.

You dig down through the boy's sweetness,

you just find more soft.

There's a difference.

(indistinct chatter)

MAN: She said he's improving.

Aw, she's wearing her pink scrunchie.

Go ahead.

No, I'm cool.

Nah, you ain't cool.

Go on, get your girl. Go ahead.

Just don't give her any fl...

flowers.

This is for you.

SINGER: ♪ Oh baby ♪

You messed up that time

because Toni wasn't turning it right.

Can I turn for you?

SINGER: ♪ La, la, la ♪

SINGER: ♪ La, la, oh baby ♪

You see that?

He got a kiss this time!

And you know what that mean?

♪ Jordan got a girlfriend ♪

♪ Jordan got a girlfriend ♪

Yeah. That's what I'm talkin' about.

Yeah, baby.

SINGER: ♪ Oh, baby ♪

She'll put her arms around you,

and her head touch your head.

And her hand will go across your belly,

if you know what I'm talking about.

(chuckling)

(chuckling)

(chuckling)

Pimp live.

(both continue chuckling)

Captioned by Visual Data