Original subtitles

(theme music playing)

(whistle blows on TV)

Uncle Bernie, I figured it out. Hmm? What's that?

I want to do the lost city of Atlanta.

You mean Atlantis. (chuckles)

What's all this?

You got mermaids, buried treasures.

What's all this scribblies? Shrimp buffet.

It's plans for my birthday.

Your birthday is not until next month.

I know. We have a lot of work to do.

You mean to tell me you just gonna come up in here

and hand your uncle a drawing, right?

And tell m... Uh-uh, it ain't going on. Here.

But I want a party.

You're going to have a party,

a nice, quiet birthday party with the family.

But I told everybody we're doing lost city of Atlantis.

Well, I'll tell you what you do.

Now you go back and you tell everybody

that you all can't find the lost city of Atlantis, okay?

And you're definitely not going to find it in Bernie Mac's backyard.

(sighs)

Dinosaurs, space station, Atlantis.

How did we get to this, America?

Kids expecting parties that cost as much as small weddings?

Wow.

See, that's because parents today are too indulgent.

See, we teach our kids to expect everything.

When I came up, I didn't expect nothing,

'cause Big Mama kept it simple, real simple.

MAMA: Bernard, you know what I just realized?

Yesterday was your birthday.

It was?

Here. Have the rest of my beans.

Happy birthday, baby.

♪ That's right, you're gone ♪

And I was the spoiled one.

(down-tempo music playing)

(up-tempo music playing)

The way that girl's been sulking around here is just depressing.

Oh, sweetheart, come on, I gave her the Atlantis.

(scoffs) A ceramic knickknack

that's found at the bottom of a fish tank?

Wanda, I'm trying to be the best doggone parent

I possibly can... without spoiling the kids.

But at least can we let her invite some of her friends?

I mean, come on, she just started a new school,

and this would be so good for her.

Hey, Baby Girl!

Come on, get your pancakes!

Uncle Bernie. Hmm?

Can you pass the chocolate milk? Sure.

Mmm! My hand's thirsty.

Jordan, what are you doing?

Say, that's pretty good.

They should put this milk on the side of a milk carton,

because it's mysteriously vanished.

Aw, I forgot to hook up the bladder!

Oh, Jordan, now, look at your shirt.

Go on in there and change your shirt.

(groans) I hope you curdle.

Baby Girl, hurry up!

Come on. Get your pancakes before they get cold, now!

Hey, what you still doing in here?

I made you pancakes. You usually be the first one down there.

I don't feel like pancakes.

I hope you don't feel like that

about your birthday cake at your party.

Party?

That's right. That's usually how it go. Thank you, Uncle Bernie!

Oh, you're welcome, sweetheart.

But remember, baby girl, no Atlantis.

Just old school cake, old school ice cream,

and a few friends, okay? Yay!

Where you going?

Pancakes.

Wanda's right, America.

It is important for Bryana to fit in and have friends...

but it's also important to keep

your kids' expectations in check.

See, that way, they'll learn

to truly appreciate what they do get.

(up-tempo music playing) (kids screaming)

Riley, you made it!

Uncle Bernie, this is Riley, my new best friend. Hmm?

Hi. Hi, Riley.

Nice to meet you. Give me that. Run along.

Okay. Thank you so much for having Riley.

I mean, those two are like peas in a pod. I'll say.

All we hear from Bryana is Riley, Riley, Riley. (grunting)

Hey, stick around.

We got coffee and cake later.

Okay, I think I can see where this is going. (chuckles)

We'll head out before you ask us to stay

and help chaperone. Thank you.

Can't hurt a man for trying.

Nice to meet you. Bye.

(fanfare playing)

ALL: Wow! (cheering)

Uncle Bernie, Jordan's ruining my party!

What are you talking about? I'm a hit!

Okay, pick a card, any card.

Okay, now put it on top of the deck.

Okay. (sighs) Prepare to be amazed by the Amazing Jordini.

Are they tricks? Are they illusions?

Or are they magic?

Was it... the eight of clubs?

Oh, my gosh, it was! It is magic!

ALL: Wow!

It's not magic. It's called palming.

He keeps the card on his palm,

then puts it on the bottom of the deck.

ALL (groaning): Aw...

Oh, my God! You told my trick!

That's a crime against magic!

If Houdini were alive, he would kill you.

But, since he's not, I'm going to have to.

(all gasping) Jordini, hey, hey, hey, hey, calm down now.

Let's see if you can disappear to your own room, okay?

BRYANA: Moon bounce!

Yeah! (kids squealing)

Honey. Huh?

You did a good thing here today.

Thank you.

She's really enjoying herself, isn't she?

Oh, she's having a blast.

(kids laughing)

(up-tempo music playing)

(mutters)

BERNIE: Kids, time for cake!

(kids screaming)

I love cake! I love cake!

I love cake!

(screams)

(thud) (kids gasping)

Oh, my God.

Sweetheart, are you... are you all right?

(inhaling)

Oh, Lord, here it comes...

(screaming)

Oh, sweetheart, you know what?

I think it's smarter to go with a white cast.

Therefore, your friends can sign their names,

make different designs on it for you.

What you think? Riley.

Hey, hey, hey. Hey.

Hey, you, sweet pea, how you doing?

Doctor said it's broken.

They're going to put a cast on it.

MOTHER: Oh, my goodness. Oh, you poor dear.

Well, it looks like somebody finally got

a way out of their violin lessons, huh? (chuckles)

BERNIE: Excuse me. Yeah?

May I talk to you for a minute, please? Sure.

Listen, man, I feel so awful, man, Aw...

what happened, man, so, um,

I'd like to pay for y-your daughter's hospital bills.

Oh, geez, Bernie, that's very generous, but...

No, no, no, no, no, no, I insist. All of 'em.

Wow. Hey... thank you.

(doorbell rings)

(whistling melody)

Mr. Bernie Mac. Oh, from the Quiggs.

Oh.

Must be the hospital bill.

(mutters)

Hey...

Bernie Mac being sued?! Negligence?!

You can say whatever the hell you want to say about me.

Call me ugly, say you don't like me.

Hell, even say I ain't funny, but don't call me the "N" word.

Negligence?! If I was a negligent parent,

those kids would still be in Chicago.

Negligence?!

I'm not taking no negligence charge, I'm telling you!

Now, you earn your 250 an hour!

Three-fifty an hour?

I don't care what you earn. Just make it happen.

Doggone it now.

Hate I met those Quiggs...

and that clumsy little-ass daughter,

falling on her... Hey, hey, Riley.

Hi.

(whispering) What the hell she doing here?

What are you talking about?

She's still Bryana's friend.

Or did you neglect that detail?

(car horn honks)

Oh, hey, Bernie. Hey, nothing, man. You suing me.

I ought to give you a real reason to sue to me.

Whoa, wait a minute. Now I can understand your being a little bit upset...

Little bit upset? You're suing me, man!

No, no, we're suing the situation, not you.

I got a situation: a legal document stating

that I'm a negligent parent.

Oh, come on, Bernie, that's just legalese.

Legalese. It's legalese.

We're simply going after the insurance company.

I mean, we are entitled to some compensation.

Wait a minute. Didn't I offer to pay your bills?

Didn't I offer to pay your bills?!

You know, Riley showed a tremendous aptitude

for the violin, and now who knows?

Bottom line is, that's why you have insurance, right?

Ooh...

Can you believe that guy, America?

He's admitting I'm not negligent.

Just trying to get something for nothing... at my expense!

Showing up here acting like sunshine and lollipops.

He just lucky Baby Girl was inside.

Otherwise, I've got negligence all over his thieving ass.

I'll tell you what, baby...

it's time for Baby Girl to make a new best friend.

But I want to go to Riley's sleepover.

All my friends are going to be there.

I know that, sweetheart,

but our lawyer feels, right now,

that you all shouldn't be playing together.

See, Riley's father feels that the accident was my fault.

Maybe, if we pay him the money, then I can go.

Um...

(down-tempo music playing)

Oh, man, don't ask me.

Kids just love sleepovers.

This sleepover's very important to Baby Girl.

What you want me to say?

There's got to be something I can do.

Uh-huh.

Uh-huh.

Uh-huh.

(kids chattering faintly)

Oh, hey, Bernie. Hey.

How you doing?

Gosh, I'm so glad you decided to let Bryana come.

Riley's going to be thrilled.

Hold, hold, hold on one minute.

I have a release form here, and what it says is

anything that Baby Girl does is not actionable.

(chuckling) Oh, Bernie. I'm not gonna sign that.

Well, she can't come in, I'm sorry.

It's your choice. Sorry.

You're right. It is my choice.

Come on, Baby Girl.

Wait, Uncle Bernie. Wait.

No, Uncle Bernie. Let's go.

I tried, America. You saw me.

Now, what am I supposed to do?

I can't have Baby Girl in there.

I can get sued for something else.

Okay, what if she breaks a Barbie doll?

Okay, yeah, or eats the last cookie?

Or if they have a pillow fight?

Yeah, have a pillow fight,

and the next thing you know, I'm being charged

with assault with a deadly weapon.

You know how they are.

What?

They got a zipper.

(class bell rings)

Oh, look. There's your friend.

The one who's trying to take our house.

Is not. Shut up.

(laughs)

Sorry you missed it, Bryana.

All your dad had to do was sign a piece of paper.

My dad said that your uncle's being cheap.

Well, my uncle said that your dad is using you to steal from us.

I got to go. My arm hurts.

(doorbell rings)

Hey.

What are you doing here, Burt?

Look, Riley came home today in tears.

I guess she and Bryana got into a fight over what happened the other night.

Oh, let me guess: you're going to sue me for pain and suffering?

Please, this whole lawsuit thing

has taken on a life that we never intended.

And I think it's setting a bad example for the girls.

Hallelujah. You're finally getting it.

That's what I've been trying to tell you.

Sure, sure.

So, um... in the interest of the kids,

why don't you just, uh,

cut me a check for, say, 25K?

So you mean to tell me you came all the way over here for money?

After calling me a negligent parent?

So you won't leave here empty-handed,

let me give you something: a countersuit.

Yeah.

For defamation of character.

You just be there at 1:00.

And you have your game face.

Yeah, baby. (phone beeps)

So the deposition's at 1:00?

One o'clock.

They don't even know what they're in for, sweetheart.

Mickey's going to eat them alive.

Yeah, well, he'd better.

'Cause if he don't, I will.

Trying to take advantage of us?

Those people must be crazy.

(sneers) Nice going, Bryana.

Remember what happened last time we were in court?

We lost our mom. (sighs)

(sighing)

You...

Oh, there go my tiger shark right there.

Sorry I'm late.

For some reason double homicides

always generate three times the work.

(chuckles) What's he doing here?

Me? Well, that's simple.

Let's see, you represent the Quiggs,

off-the-rack over here is representing

Bernie's insurance company.

Why don't you two get together,

work something out, make yourselves happy.

I'm sure you'll make nice dance partners.

I'm here to make sure Mr. Bernie Mac is happy.

And I ain't copping no negligent parent charge, either.

So, let your nightmare begin. Tonight.

BERNIE: How's the family? MICKEY: Good, good. Thanks.

Everybody's well.

So, Riley, it's fair to say that, apart

from breaking it, you suffer no real discomfort, huh?

It itches sometimes.

My crack itch, but you don't see me suing nobody.

MICKEY: Bernie, let me handle this.

Go for it. Now, you think that itching

would go away if we were to give you, uh,

I don't know, say $50,000?

Uh, maybe I could buy a pony.

Pony? Well, sure.

God, I love deposing kids. (Bernie laughs)

All right, now. Don't worry. I'll do the holding.

All I need you to do is to finger a simple C chord.

Dad?

Dad can't help you now, sweetheart.

Yeah, come on.

C chord is the foundation of the basic violin.

I mean, surely a violin prodigy

such as yourself would know how to do that.

There's blood in the water.

(chomping)

(swallows)

All gone.

My face (indistinct).

And did you read the disclaimer

on maximum occupancy for the temporary structure?

(chuckles)

Temporary structure?

Man, it was a moon bounce.

Man, this is just some bull.

The question stands.

Let the record show it was a six person limit, yes, yes.

And when Riley, uh, broke her wrist,

was that being adhered to? Yes.

Baby Girl was the only one in there at the time, yes.

So you left two children

unsupervised in a highly pressurized

gas-filled temporary structure.

Look, man, we was lighting the birthday cake at the time.

Good God! Now you've introduced fire into the situation?

How come I'm being held the negligent parent here?

Burt just-- is just as responsible.

He left his child in a stranger's home.

So you admit you're not a responsible caregiver?

Um... When we resume tomorrow,

we'll want to speak with Bryana.

Really appreciate it. You're welcome.

How we doing?

Well, we were doing fine before you started talking.

I-I'll tell you another thing.

Bryana had better be really good tomorrow.

Oh, she will, she will.

(up-tempo music playing)

Do I have to do this?

Yes, you do, Baby Girl.

That's why we keep going over this.

You want them to walk all over us?

Do you want them to think I'm a negligent parent?

Well, come on.

Now, once again, were you aware

of the occupancy guideline for the temporary structure?

Were you or were you not? Um...

You can't be humming and humming around!

We done been through this, baby girl.

Focus! Uh, Bernie.

Huh? Can I have a word?

Sure, I'll be-- I'll be right there, baby.

These lawyers ain't no joke.

They get inside your head

and scramble it like a scrambled egg, do you hear me?

Bernie. What?!

Please come here!

And don't think, because you're cute,

that they're going to play with you.

They kill cute people. Handicapped.

I seen what they did with a cat in a wheelchair.

Rolled him down, took the brake off.

What do you think you're...?

Those lawyers are tough-- that's what I think.

And, if I don't prep Baby Girl right now,

let me tell you something--

she won't be able to handle the pressure.

So what do you think you're doing

by putting the pressure that you're putting on her?

I got a job to do, doggone it,

and I'm going to do it.

Well, you know what?

For the first time, you actually are acting like a negligent parent.

Wha-What?

Okay, baby girl, you ready?

It's game time.

Your Uncle Bernie's good name is riding on this.

You got to be tough. You got to have ice water in your veins.

You understand me?

Everything is counting on you.

You ready? (shakily) Um...

Oh, baby girl, we've been through "um."

I don't like this. Please don't make me.

(mutters)

Damn.

Hey, there he is, Mr. Bernie Mac.

So, where's our little star witness, huh?

You know what, Mick? I decided that, uh,

she's not going to take the stand today.

What? Wait a minute. You know what this means?

Yes, I know what it means.

But what about the... what about the negligent parent?

(Staple Singers: "Respect Yourself" playing)

You know what? I've been thinking.

I'd rather be called a negligent parent

than be one.

♪ If you disrespect everybody that you... ♪

All right. I'll handle it.

Thank you.

♪ Just get out the way ♪

♪ And let the gentleman do his thing ♪

♪ Respect yourself ♪

Come on, Baby Girl, let's go.

You're off the hook.

I'm sorry, Uncle Bernie.

What, what you apologizing for?

Now we're gonna lose our house

and have to live in a shelter.

What? Who told you that? Jordan.

Look, I'll deal with Jordan.

But you forgot one thing.

You forgot to go and say good-bye

to your girlfriend Riley.

Oh, yeah!

I guess you could say that Baby Girl's birthday

went a little over budget, but what's more important

is that Bernie Mac is still a good parent.

Speaking of which, y'all need to excuse me.

There's a little magician I need to make disappear.

And, America, if you see him,

hold him for me.

♪ Respect yourself ♪

Hospital bill?

"Soft neck tissue X-ray."

Look at this. $75.

"Looked at." $150.

When the hell you heard of "looked at"?

Ugh. "Medication."

"Viacon." $455.

"Viagra."

Oh, that's mine.

Captioned by Visual Data