Original subtitles

(theme music playing)

Vanessa's grades are good. They're not great, but...

Hey, hey, I know you can do better.

Doggone it, all it takes is a little studying.

From now on, from this day forward, I want you to study

until your eyes pop out the back of your doggone head. WANDA: Oh!

I know... They're good. They're good, Mr. Mac.

And, and her PSAT scores are in the 80th percentile.

But, uh, Vanessa's lacking in extracurriculars.

Well, she did do gymnastics her freshman year and she was fabulous.

Yes, ma'am. You see, Mr. and Mrs. Mac, colleges are interested

in... in, well-rounded students.

If she doesn't show some improvement in this area,

it-it might be difficult with college admissions.

Isn't that something, America?

I been on that girl for good grades so much,

I forgot to make her well-rounded.

Well, that ends right now.

Or else the only thing she's going to be majoring in

is sitting on my couch eating my food.

(up-tempo music playing)

But I don't like the stuff they offer.

I like to do other stuff outside of school.

Like what? Paint your nails?

WANDA: Well, I loved my school organization.

I was cheerleader, student body president,

and also French Club treasurer.

(quietly) Aunt Wanda is conceited.

Sweetheart, only thing I'm asking you is to pick one.

I joined an activity.

See? Why can't you be like your brother?

I'd rather have friends. Aw, friends are overrated.

I'm gonna be rich.

I joined Junior Achievement.

(gasps) Oh, honey, that's wonderful!

That means you're going to go into business like your Aunt Wanda.

Yeah, it's great. We take a product,

then we market it and sell it for a profit.

You know, we have that club in high school, too.

Only we call them "Nerds."

Well, at least he joined something,

just like you're going to be doing.

This week.

TERI: Spirit squad! It'd be perfect for you.

And tryouts are this week.

Oh, I don't know. Think about it.

With your gymnastics background, they'd take you in a minute.

Really?

Yeah, and you get to wear those cute outfits.

Oh, and guys love Spirit Squad girls.

Come on. I'll try out with you.

(class bell rings)

(up-tempo music playing )

WOMAN: What do you think? MAN: I don't think so.

♪ You got to give the people ♪

Buy some Crickle Crackle. It's only three dollars.

In the store, it's $1.50.

Well, you're not in the store.

Oh, come on. Please?

♪ Give the people what they want ♪

How many have you sold? Tons.

Really? It looks the same as when you started.

That's because I keep putting out new cans.

Don't you know anything about marketing?

Hi, kids.

Oh, would you like to buy some?

Ma'am, buy this...

BOTH: please?

(laughs) Oh, you're so cute. Of course.

♪ I said we're ready for a change ♪

One, two , three. (indistinct)

♪ Don't you know you Got to give the people ♪

Okay, the key to making money is "recruit."

I'll send you out to sell,

and you'll sell like it's nobody's business.

Then, you'll enlist more people, and so on and so on.

How much do we get? Hungry. I like that.

For every ten cans you sell,

I'll give you one can of your own to eat.

(all whispering) I think we should do...

Great. Awesome. Awesome. Great. Whatever.

Cool.

But what do you do?

I manage.

(up-tempo music playing) Ready to try it again? All right.

Five, six, seven, eight.

One, two, three, four,

five, six, seven, eight.

And hit the turn. Hey, what's wrong?

It.

"It"?

What's going on?

Well, Vanessa's trying out for the Spirit Squad.

Isn't that exciting?

BERNIE: Exciting?

That's the extracurricular activity you're talking about?

Yeah.

Well, shoot. That's it. I'm ecstatic.

Let me see the rest of your cheerleading routine.

It's Spirit Squad.

Whatever. Let me see it. Let me see it.

Tryouts are on Thursday, and I really need to practice.

Go ahead and practice.

Uh, honey, you know what?

Let us work it out, and then we'll let you see it later.

She's a little shy.

She's on the right track, America.

I might be able to get her out of the house after all.

College-bound baby.

Here's one.

Hey-- East Coast.

Oh, wait a minute.

Study abroad-- even better.

(indistinct chatter)

I can't look. You look.

Okay, I'll look for you and you look for me.

Okay. Okay.

(shrieks) I made it?!

Oh, I don't know. I just saw my name. Sorry.

(shrieks) We made it!

(shrieks)

(applause and cheering)

All right, come on! Move!

Man, I'm so glad you came, man, to support Nessa.

Nessa? What about her?

She's on the Spirit Squad.

That's why you're here, aren't you?

No, dawg, I'm here 'cause I got 50 on Rancho Cucamonga.

You mean to tell me you're betting on a high school game?

Yeah, money is money.

(buzzer) Where's your sister at?

She's on the stroll making that paper.

WANDA: Hey, hey, hey. MAN: I'll take two.

MAN (over PA): And now the Taylor High School state champion

Spirit Squad!

(cheering)

(dance music playing)

(crowd gasps and cheers)

Oh, my God, look at my Nessa.

Hey, babe.

I can't remember when I've seen her so happy.

I'm happy, too, America.

Nessa becoming more well-rounded by the minute.

And I'm getting closer to my goal

of getting her out of my house into college.

(crowd cheering louder)

The hell is that?!

Who's the choreographer? Janet Jackson?

(crowd cheering)

(dance music continues)

Hell, no!

Hell, no, no, no.

Uh-uh. You see the...

(panting) You... Come on, now.

World coming to an end.

Come on. Come on. No.

I'm not... no.

(cheering, hooting and hollering)

(music ends)

(cheering, hooting and hollering)

But I didn't even want to do an extracurricular activity. You made me.

Now I'm telling you to quit, Nessa, okay?

Now, how you like me now?

But I don't want to quit.

I finally found something I like.

You do what I tell you to do until you're 18,

and I'm telling you to pick something now.

Aunt Wanda?

Well, um...

The routine was a little bold. Thank you.

How is that my fault? I didn't create it.

I just did what you told me to. I got an activity.

I didn't do anything wrong.

I hate it here!

Can you believe this?

You know what? She's right.

She isn't the one that created the routine.

So?

So, I think your problem is with the school,

and not Vanessa.

(down-tempo music playing)

You saw 'em out there, shaking what God gave 'em.

That ain't right.

That how you want them to represent your school?

Huh? Talk to me!

Mr. Mac, the Spirit Squad is the state championship team. Oh!

Why would you tamper with that?

And my daughter is being recruited by Central State

for their cheerleading program.

Yeah, and some of us need that scholarship money.

BERNIE: Baby, I feel ya.

And I'm all for the scholarship.

And higher education is crucial.

But, doggone it, what price are you willing to pay?

Lose your daughter's dignity?

It ain't right.

You saw 'em showing they Christmas in a skimpy uniform.

For a scholarship fund?

Uh-uh. That ain't right.

And I'm standing up for my daughter,

and I'm saying it-- that ain't right.

And, doggone it, I'm standing up for yours.

It ain't right.

(applauding)

Very good, Morgan.

You worked very hard.

Here you go.

Is this it? Where's the commitment?

Where's the drive? Where's the cash?

But I tried.

Yeah, you've tried my patience.

I'm going to have to cut you loose.

(whimpers)

That means you're fired. Bye-bye.

(huffs)

I sold 19.

Not bad, but if you worked harder,

you could have covered five more blocks.

Just take your payment and go.

But I thought I get two. Well, you don't.

You get one can for every ten cans you sold,

meaning you're one off. So bye-bye.

Bye-bye.

(sighs)

BERNIE: You're missing some thyme, though. WANDA: Hey, hey, hey!

Well, it is missing some, baby.

No, it's not. It's not. Put the top back on.

Congratulations.

On what? Because of you,

they made a state championship team change their routine.

Well, that's good. Now you get a chance to rejoin the team.

I'm not a ping-pong ball. I'm not rejoining.

You need extra activity, remember?

So you going to join that team

whether you like it or not.

(up-tempo music playing) What is up with you guys?

Morgan, do you even take this seriously?

I sold over 30 cans.

Lollygagger!

And, Bryana, what's up with this?

I mean, you sold even less than you did last time.

I had a spelling test.

Excuses! Excuses are like booties--

everyone's got one, but they all stink.

Because that's where the poo comes out. Oh!

That's it, Jordan. We quit!

Ow! Ow!

I was going to fire you anyway!

I don't need you babies! I can do it all by myself!

(cheering)

(inaudible) Come on!

Man, I can't believe you come down here for these games.

Hey, I'm just protecting my investment, dawg.

You ever heard of mutual funds?

(chuckles)

(fake chuckle)

(loud cheering)

(buzzer, whistle)

ANNOUNCER (over PA): And now, the Taylor High School

state-champion Spirit Squad!

(cheering)

This's better be nice.

Don't worry, honey. (dance music playing)

It was very nice last time.

That's your friend.

Yep.

(crowd cheering)

Oh, hell, no.

Hell, no.

Come on. MASCOT: What are you doing?

Move, mascot.

(booing) Go to hell.

I don't care about being booed.

I've been booed before, America.

Don't faze me none.

Yeah, she shaking her goodies on the court.

She did that to spite me.

I'm gonna kill her for it, too.

Doggone right, I'm gonna beat her just like I did that bobcat.

All y'all want to throw...

Oh, y'all acting like Detroit.

You know, shoot. I love Detroit.

Every time I go to Detroit I kick a little ass.

Come on.

Come on, come on, Detroit!

Wasn't no security there, ain't no security now.

Come get a little bit of it.

(reverse alert beeping)

(up-tempo music playing)

You think not speaking to me gonna hurt me?

Baby, that's like a early birthday present.

(sighs) Good morning, Uncle Bernie. Happy?

Now see, that wasn't too bad, now was it?

And since we're talking,

we might as well discuss that new activity you got to pick.

(scoffs) Why?

Whatever I pick won't meet the Bernie Mac approval.

You have a problem with everything I do

and I'm sick of it here.

Hmph.

You just stuck with it.

And I don't care about your eyes burning the back of my head.

You still got to pick that extracurricular activity.

Be stuck with that.

(muttering) Young kids.

You don't like it, you can put it right down.

(Barrett Strong: "Money That's What I Want" playing)

Bryana told me she quit.

She was fired.

Oh, my project's a failure.

Well, I have a proposition for you.

How about I buy out your entire stock at 50 percent of cost?

But then I won't make any profit.

At least you'll get some of your money back.

And I'll even give you a sales job,

you know, put you on the stroll.

(groans) A stroll?

So do we have a deal?

I don't have a choice.

Why are you doing this?

I have my reasons.

♪ That's what I want ♪

Okay, sell as many as you can.

No pressure.

And don't eat all of the merchandise.

You know, it's like giving drugs to a drug addict.

So what's this about you selling Crackles, huh?

I joined the high school chapter of the Junior Achievement.

Instead of creating a new business, Ah?

I took over an existing business at a low cost.

Don't sound like a bad plan at all.

It's working out well.

So this is my mandatory activity

unless you want to make me give this up, too.

No, no, I kind of like this. Matter of fact,

I'm thinking about becoming one of your best customers.

Hey, put me down for five.

Actually, in order to be my best customer... Hmm?

...you'd have to buy ten.

(typing)

See, America?

This is the type of activity for a young lady: business.

You see she has the head for it.

You see the way she shook me down?

She's going to have Donald Trump shaking in fear.

And I'll take Trump-shaking over rump-shaking any day.

You doggone right.

And you heard it from the Mac Man.

(dramatic music playing on TV)

Mwah. (chuckling)

(eating and crunching)

Uncle Bernie, I have something to tell you.

Not right now, Jordan, I'm watching TV.

Well, it's about Vanessa, and later might be too late.

What is it? Hmm... I've kind of been sworn to secrecy...

Jordan, what is it?!

She bought a bus ticket to Chicago.

She's leaving today. What?!

(sighs) North Hollywood station.

I'm trying to figure out where the hell she got the money to buy the ticket from.

(up-tempo music playing)

I'll get that door for ya. (mutters)

Hey! Jerk!

MAN (over PA): Bus 319, eastbound to Chicago.

Final boarding. Gate number two.

Nessa!

Nessa! Don't get on that bus.

Doggone it.

Bernie Mac, check you out, man.

Not right now, sir.

Hey, I would think you at least took the train.

Sir, sir, not right now, please.

Hey, I got my boy Ray-Ray on the phone.

Not right now, sir. Say hello.

He's an even bigger fan than I am. Whoa, ticket.

Sir, look, my n-- my niece is getting on that bus.

I just need to get on, get her off.

That's all I need to do right now.

Sorry, no one gets on my bus without a ticket.

Look, my name is Bernie Mac. Yeah.

I perform all over the world. I can get you tickets any...

And I'm Floyd Peterson,

and you ain't getting on my bus without a ticket.

Don't get comfortable on that bus, Nessa!

Just don't get comfortable.

You remember my name, baby.

Bernie Mac. M-A-C.

You remember that, boy.

All over the world. Yeah. My name's Floyd.

F-Loyd.

Hold on, Slim. Slim.

Nothing but a minute. Oh! Ow! Hey!

Ma'am, I need to buy a ticket to Chicago.

Sir, there's a line.

I know that, I see that. This is really, really important.

Oh, it's important?

Very, very important.

Yeah, well, I'm sure these people think

their lives are important, too, sir.

I know that. It's not like-- I know that.

Back of the line!

What did I say? Get to the back of the line.

Damn.

Ten dollars if you trade places with me.

Ten dollars. Here.

Cost you 20. Twenty?

Ma'am, let me trade with you, too.

Please, I-I got to get there.

White boy, let me do this. (mutters) Okay.

I got to get on up on this thing here.

(music playing)

Come on! (grunting)

(grunts)

Come on, let's go. Let's get off the bus, I want to talk to you.

Oh, you gonna play like you don't hear me.

I said, "Let's get off the bus, I want to talk to you."

Excuse me, sir, I want to talk to my niece.

I ain't moving for you.

So this is how you gonna handle it,

by running away?

You embarrassed me in front of the whole school.

He embarrassed me in front of Ray-Ray.

Sir, can I talk to my niece?

You lucky you big.

Am I that hard to live with?

Am I that difficult, Nessa?

You're always pushing me around.

You're always right even when you're not.

It's either your way or the highway.

So I'm taking the highway.

I'm the parent, and that's way it's going to be until you get 18.

Well, how am I supposed to know what to do when I turn 18

if you won't let me make any decisions for myself now?

Can I speak now?

'Cause doggone it, I got something I want to say.

I knew it. You're not listening.

You never do.

(bus engine starts)

(Timmy Thomas: "Why Can't We Live Together" playing)

What, you're going to Chicago now?

I might as well.

I got a couple of days.

Pick up a couple of Red Hots.

Stop by and see Mama Liva.

♪ Tell me why tell me why, tell me why ♪

♪ Mmm, why can't we live... ♪

Look, Nessa,

I hear you. I do hear you.

I hear you loud and clear.

It seems like you got a lot you want to get off your chest.

And I just want you to know, from me to you, I'm all ears.

♪ No more war no more war, no more war ♪

I don't want that girl feeling like a prisoner in her own home.

You know, me and Nessa just got to...

...find some common ground.

And if that means sitting on the stiff-ass seats

breathing bus fumes all the way to Chi-Town,

well then, I'm down, America. I'm down.

But I'll tell you one thing:

when we get our stuff worked out by Vegas,

I'm gonna try to win my money back

that it took me to get on that damn bus, I'll tell you that.

'Cause you know the Mac Man, I can throw them bones.

(chuckles) I can play a little cards.

Hit me, hit me, hit me.

(chuckles) Hit me.

Twenty-one!

And I'll take Trump-shaking over...

I'll take Trump-shaking over rump-shaking any day.

MAN: You got it.

MAN: Action.

Okay. The key to making money is recrui--

Argh. I'm sorry.

(crew laughing) MAN: Just swallow it.

WOMAN: Just a hairball. CHILD: What was that?

(muttering)

Yeah, yo mama. (laughter)

Captioned by Visual Data