Original subtitles

(theme music playing)

(up-tempo music playing)

Vanessa, Bryana thinks I can't whip both of you in Sorry.

Who cares?

Okay, I'll just tell her you don't have time for us anymore.

She's older now.

Maybe she'll take it better than she did last week.

Okay, okay, maybe tomorrow.

Promise? (scoffs)

Damn. (moans)

You know, you make me want to jump.

(chuckles)

Ooh.

Don't you know how to knock?

There's no doors.

So I finished my homework, emptied the wastebasket,

loaded the dishwasher and folded all the clothes.

Can I go to the mall with my friends?

I guess so, as long as you be back for dinner, okay?

Hold on, hold on, hold on.

Come on now. Let me look at you.

You look cute. (giggles)

Ah, a subtle trace of je ne sais quoi.

Is one of your friends a boy?

Wait just a damn minute.

That's what all this homework,

and "I loaded the dishwasher,

I done mopped the floor," and all that kind of stuff.

You setting us up, man.

You trying to go on a date.

I'm too young to date, remember?

You got that right.

I'm just going to the mall.

You ain't going nowhere.

But you just said that I could go.

I changed my mind. You're not going anywhere.

(scoffs)

America! You see how crazy she talks to me?

In my own house.

She's lucky she's not a man.

I bet I'd check that chin, pow, pow, pow, bam.

♪ Go to sleep... ♪

Through the shoulder. Yah! Pow, pow!

♪ Go to sleep, go to sleep... ♪

Oh, that was nice. She's still upset.

She'll get over it.

Well, you know what, honey? Vanessa is getting older,

and I think we should do a better job of accepting that

and maybe give her a little more room.

Little more room to do what?

Well, like this date.

Why don't we have the little boy come over here?

We can invite him to dinner.

That way, we get to meet the little boy

and decide if we like him before it goes any further.

Further?

What I mean is, we don't want her sneaking around, okay?

And I'm a little tired of watching you two

go back and forth on a daily basis.

Okay, America, I'll let the boy come by.

Get his little grub on, then I'm laying down the law.

And it won't be nobody three strikes you're out, either.

Uh-uh. One strike.

One strike, you're toast.

Like a umpire? Out of there!

Whew!

He's here! This is gonna be good.

Why? Because Uncle Bernie's gonna hate him.

I hate him already.

Bernie! What?

Vanessa, I think your friend is here!

Bernie, don't intimidate the boy.

I'm not going to intimidate the boy, baby. Calm down.

(doorbell rings) For Vanessa's sake.

(mutters) Give me a kiss.

(up-tempo music playing)

BERNIE: Oh, it's a false alarm.

What can I do for you, brother?

I'm Raheem. I'm here for Vanessa.

(hip-hop playing)

(coughs) Irie.

Now puff upon it so.

WANDA: Ooh, honey, what...?!

You see that grown man?

What are you talking about? He goes to my school.

What, on the G.I. Bill? You see his feet?

That boy's feet, man, he's wearing the box. Bernie, stop.

Raheem, welcome.

Come on in. My husband, he's a comedian.

Yeah. Yuk-yuk. Right this way.

We don't have enough food to feed him!

That big some of a...

Ms. Mac, that was delicious.

Why thank you, Raheem. Yeah, it was, yeah.

Vanessa made the gravy herself.

I love gravy.

(giggles) Me, too.

Sweetheart, you're excused.

Go and put your pajamas on.

Well, so what are your plans for college, sir?

Oh, I'm currently being scouted by several Division-One schools.

No kidding? JORDAN: Oh, yeah?

And what if your little hoop dream doesn't work out?

Then what? Huh? Huh?

Well, uh, I've managed to maintain a 3.2 average,

so I'm going to college no matter what.

You know, I just kind of hope basketball will help pay for it.

WANDA: Yeah. What's your major?

Probably business.

Something that'll help me take care of my family.

Okay, the boy give good answers.

But could it all be a game, my man?

'Cause I mean slick talk. You know what I'm saying?

So can we go out for ice cream?

I don't know. I'm kind of full.

Yeah, you're full, all right.

Okay.

Only place that's open is Tony's on Ventura Boulevard,

and her curfew's at ten.

Ten? Ten.

I'll have her back by 9:55, sir.

(The Streets: "Sharp Darts" playing)

♪ Sharp darts spitting masters spitting darts faster ♪

♪ Shut up, I'm the driver you're the passenger ♪

♪ My brain's superior ♪

♪ Pressure blows the dial on your barometer ♪

Yeah, that's what I'm talking about. (laughs)

I'll walk you to the door.

You don't need any pocket change or anything like that?

No, sir. What do your father do for a living?

(down-tempo music playing)

Y'all have a good time.

Mr. Mac, sir? Yes, sir?

Can I have my license back now?

Oh...

There you go. Thank you.

But don't forget, 9:55.

Yes, sir. 9:55.

Okay, let's go. Okay.

WANDA: See you, Nessa.

(car doors shut)

(car starts)

(music playing)

("Sharp Darts" playing)

♪ In five hundred years they'll play this song... ♪

What are you doing? I'll be right back.

Cops come, blow the horn.

Wha...? Bring me some chips!

♪ The jury voted unanimously against ya... ♪ (sighs)

You're actually letting them go?

Whatever happened to parental oversight?

Tsk! What?

Go on to your room!

Brush your teeth first.

Come on, honey. Yeah.

She'll be okay.

(horns honking)

(cheering)

Hey, I'm outside waiting all in the front.

Who knew this was gonna go into overtime?

Let's go, Bobcats!

Hey, down in front! All right, chillax!

Raheem just scored the last seven points in regulation.

He's the biggest guy out there.

Look at him.

Don't be such a player hater.

I'm not hating.

(whistle blows)

(fans booing)

Well, he got fouled, huh?

This is gonna determine what he's made of.

That's going to show what kind of pressure...

Shh!

STUDENT: Whoo!

(cheering)

It don't mean nothing.

He got to hit this one. This is the one that counts.

Don't mean a thing if he don't hit this thing.

He hit it.

(buzzer sounds)

Pretty good.

(up-tempo music playing)

I just can't find nothing on the punk.

Plus he hit both his free throws, man.

Thereby making yours truly 50 bucks,

you know, after over and under.

(chuckles)

Come on, now you mean to tell me

you bet on the high school game?

Hey, man, action is action. Shoot. I fold.

Well, look, I just don't like the idea

of our Vanessa dating some older--

Me, neither. Me, neither.

Me, neither. Me neither, man.

Hold on, hold on, hold on, man. For real!

You guys are judging a book by its cover, ain't you?

I was a big kid.

Oh, you mean to tell me you weren't getting

your freak on in high school?

I was a dawg. Straight up. (barks)

(laughter)

Come on, man, that ain't funny, man, when it's your own.

You right, you right. Sorry.

The only way I can see that cat dating Nessa, man,

is right here under this roof

where I can spot him every eight minutes, see?

As a matter of fact, his eight minutes up.

Get on him! Get on him!

Gosh!

Hey, I'm gonna look at his cards, man.

(laughing)

You know, I don't understand

why Mrs. Schaffer makes such a big deal

about a stupid bibliography anyway.

But if you have it, you're going

to get mad love on your final grade.

Last year, I got an A-minus

just for turning in three footnotes.

Did you hear that, America?

An A-minus?

Dare I dream?

Come on, Vanessa, you promised us a game today.

Get lost, Jordan.

But you said... BERNIE: Scat, boy.

You see her working on an A-minus.

In what, "Broken Promises 101?"

Scat. (groans)

Okay, well it looks like you all got jacked!

Give me my money.

Come on, man. Oh! Please, please,

get your hands off the riches,

'cause smooth Mac Man is walking with a pair of pretty la...

Uncle Bernie? Hey, baby. Hey, hey, hey.

I just wanted to say good night, sir.

Oh, good night, son.

Good night. Yo, yo, Raheem...

man, how's that kid's ankle, man?

Is he gonna be ready for Mt. Holly?

Would you stop? You always looking for an edge, aren't you?

Aw, man, hey! Excuse me?

Don't pay him no attention. We really was in here, we were talking about you.

You know something? I noticed something.

I'm impressed.

You got game, boy.

Thank you, Mr. Mac.

I heard you used to ball them up back in the day, too.

You better believe... W.B.: Oh, please.

I don't know where you could have heard that from.

Yeah, son, who told you that lie?

I got all kinds, baby. CHUY: Whoa, whoa. Hold on, hold on.

Sounds like somebody's trying to call somebody a scrub.

W.B.: Ooh...

Hey, first of all, you've got your people mixed up.

The only scrub up in this room is W.B.

Oh, ho, ho...

Please. Pine rider.

Let me tell you something, man.

I'll beat you in doodles.

Oh, challenge!

I've got... I've got a ball in the car.

Uh-oh. With some air in it?

I thought you had to go home.

Don't you worry about that. You focus on your A-minus.

All right, yo, yo, me and Chuy against you and Kel.

Whoa, man. I'm ain't trying to be on Bernie's team.

(laughter)

All right, me and the big fella take all three of y'all.

All right, all right, there you go. Take it out.

I'm not playing, man. How many Mexicans you know in the NBA?

Oh, yo, say, we don't need him.

You stick Bernie. Uh-huh.

I got big boy. Yeah.

You got me. I got you.

Show him how a real baller can do it, Mr. Mac.

You ain't got no shot.

Whoa! Damn...

I quit.

That's what you get when you step up to some real ballers.

Oh, man, you ain't even have nothing to do with it.

What?! That was all about the pass.

Pure court vision, baby.

Listen to him, America...

trying to butter me up.

Only, I can see the boy coming a mile away.

Y'all see?

See, game recognize game.

A player know a player.

A preacher know a pimp.

I'm just throwing something at you.

(chuckles)

Well, thanks for the ride.

(up-tempo music playing on radio)

(footsteps)

(thud)

Um, no disrespect intended, Mr. Mac.

Hey, V, I'm out.

Don't forget about Saturday.

(sighs)

(tapping button)

(chuckles) Hitting that is not gonna make

the elevator come any faster. (scoffs) I know, why do we do that all the time?

I don't get that at all. (elevator dings)

I'm telling you... (baby cries)

Ooh. Okay, excuse me.

I just want to get out of here before

they have another doggone sale, sweetheart.

Why you getting mad at me about the sales?

I'm not mad at you, baby. (baby crying)

(baby screaming)

(screaming continues)

VANESSA: It's Raheem's baby, not mine.

So what's the big deal?

The big deal is you tried to hide it.

Oh, yeah, we hid out at the mall.

Now, Vanessa, the issue is you did keep it a secret.

BERNIE: Yeah. Only because I knew how he would act.

He? What are you talking about "he"?

Let me tell you about "he."

"He" don't want you to see him no more. But...

But ain't no more "but."

It's over. Finished. Kaput. Done with.

You understand me? Fine.

Fine. Fine.

Fine. Fine.

You doggone right, fine.

Man, somebody gonna get hurt around here.

WANDA: Not today.

Oh, no, America, it's not fine.

Far from fine.

Let me break it down to you.

See, "fine" means she'll do what I say

as long as I keep my eye on her and not a blink longer.

Oh, yeah, I know fine.

And Bernie Mac is not fine with "fine."

Is that fine with you?

(dog barking in distance)

(chatter on TV)

NARRATOR: The sperm knows its purpose and pursues the egg relentlessly.

And despite appearances, only one sperm is needed to fertilize the egg.

(heart beating)

(suspenseful music playing)

(boinging)

Wanda.

Wanda, baby, wake up. Hmm?

Wake up. Okay.

Come on, now. Okay, I'm here.

Nessa is having sex.

I don't hear anything.

Wanda, wake up! (moans)

That big-ass boy want to walk around here

and do more than homework.

We don't need no more kids running around here.

Now wake up.

Okay, well, all right...

(stammering)

This is real! We need to talk to her?

Yeah, we need to talk to her. This is real!

All right, well, honey, you're making it sound so serious.

It is serious! Okay, then, let's talk to her about birth control.

No, no, that means we giving in, we're condoning that boy.

No, that's not what it means.

It means that we're teaching her

to be responsible and safe.

Well, you umpire.

Get up and talk about what's safe.

Come on.

I'm not getting up right now. Come on, Wanda.

I'm gonna talk to her tomorrow. This is real.

No, it'll be too late. She'll be pregnant.

(awkward chuckle)

Vanessa, um...

First, I would like to start off by saying that,

you know, sex can be a beautiful thing.

BERNIE: What?!

Why would she tell the child something like that?

Why not just get the girl all liquored all up,

dump her on the boy porch,

ring the doorbell and say, "It's a beautiful thing"?

No, it's not!

Sex is bad.

And it's nasty.

And it hurts.

Bernie, do you want to have this conversation with Vanessa?

No, I don't want to have it. I'm going in the dining room.

Don't worry about it, I'm gone from it.

WANDA: Thank you.

Okay, I'm gonna talk to you about the difference

of making love and sex.

Now, I know you know what sex is.

BERNIE: She better not. Bernie!

What? I'm gone, man, I'm gone.

Disregard.

He means well, I'm sorry.

The bottom line is that I was hoping that you and I

could talk today so that we could talk about the possibility

of putting you on birth control.

Birth control? Why? (door bangs open)

Well, birth control is...

You know damn well why you need birth control.

You know it.

I don't need birth control.

I'm not having sex.

I know what's going on! I know how these boys think.

Raheem's not like that.

He got a baby! WANDA: Bernie.

(whispers) Leave.

Ain't no come on, I'm telling like it is.

You want to play with it.

She just said that she was not having sex.

And I believe her.

So let's leave it at that for now. You always...

Okay?

I'm gonna leave it like that.

You got good points...

But October 5, 1957, a pimp was born.

(door closes)

Hey, get away from your sister's door,

eavesdropping on her like a little spy.

Man, what's wrong with you?

What's she doing?

I don't know. I think she's breaking stuff.

What? You need to ground her, Uncle Bernie.

Go on, get on out of here.

Hey, hey, what's going on here?

You all right? What happened?

Raheem did something to you?

He put his hands on you? I'll bust...

No, he broke up with me.

What?!

He dumped me.

Like garbage?

He dumped me to get back with his baby's mama.

No good, dirty, son of a...

You happy now?

Come on, what do you mean by that?

I'm not that type of person.

Come on, now.

Look, you want to talk?

Anything I help you with it?

Don't try and be friends and everything with me now.

You're happy we broke up. Admit it.

Come on, I'm not that--

I'm not that type of a person.

(up-tempo music playing)

ANNOUNCER: Chad Barnett shutting the door on Brody Johnson

and really taking the lead...

(continues, indistinct)

(The Spinners: "Games People Play" playing)

Hey, I was watching that.

I thought you two wanted to get whooped in some Sorry.

I'm green! I'm red.

Whatever, you're both going down.

JORDAN: Oh, no, I'm not. VANESSA: Oh, yes, you are.

Oh, no, I'm not. I'm gonna shuffle. You watch.

JORDAN: Give me my pieces.

VANESSA: Did you mess up the cards?

Yes, I messed up the cards.

(kids chattering)

I'm going to do it again because you like to look at them before you do it.

Look there, America.

Playing with her little brother and sister.

That's still just a girl at heart.

It was just a big deal over nothing.

Nessa ain't going nowhere.

Nowhere. ♪ Can't get no rest ♪

♪ Don't know how I work all day ♪

Hey, girls, where y'all been?

Aunt Wanda, I'll be in my room.

Okay.

Where you all been, baby?

Well, honey, we've been to the gynecologist.

(knife clatters) The gyne-what?

What you go to the gynecologist for?

The boy broke up with her and went back with his girlfriend.

She said herself she wasn't having sex.

So what the heck you go to the gynecologist for?

So what, we want to wait until after it happens?

Come on, now, I would rather be safe than sorry.

I'm sorry now, America.

But, America, let me ask you a question.

How did we get here?

That girl already thinks she's grown,

but did we give her the license to go buck wild?

Now I have to keep both eyes on her.

And to you, America, y'all keep your eyes on yours.

Go back to basics.

Oh-ho!

Almost. Pick-up.

My fault. It hit the thing there.

Oh! Ohh! (yells)

(clapping) Damn!

Fade! Fade!

Damn, Bernie! (laughter)

Hello? MAN: Yeah, is Vanessa there?

Who is this? Uh, you can tell her it's Gizmo.

Tell her it's Gizmo? Uh-huh.

Pow! Pow! Pow!

Captioned by Visual Data