All language subtitles for The.Bernie.Mac.Show.S04E09.Jack.and.Jacqueline.1080p.WEB-DL.AAC2.0.H.264-squalor_track3_[eng]

(theme music playing)

(music playing)
(laughs) Yeah.

Hey, ladies.
What's going on?

(hip-hop music playing)

Nowadays,
kids don't talk to you at all.

They only want to be left alone.

Try to make you feel like you're
an intruder in your own house.

Uh-uh. No way.

Big Mama didn't raise that.

Nah.

Hey, scoot in.

(groans)

Well, shouldn't you girls
be studying?

Algebra, spelling,
something like that?

I mean, the SAT is coming up
pretty soon, isn't it?

We don't take that
till next year.

And, anyway,
college isn't my thing.

It's not?
What's your thing?

Well, after high school,
I'm gonna backpack
through Africa.

You know,
see my people.

See your people. Mmm.

That sounds like fun.
I think I want to go, too.

Why don't you just go
to Detroit?

What about you, Donna?
College your thing?

Oh, no. Well, my trust fund
kicks in when I'm 18.

It's about 40 Gs,
so I'm straight.

(dog barking in distance)

BERNIE:
Sweetheart, they're trifling.

They are trifling.

Honey, they're teenagers.

Would you stop
defending them?

I remember when teenagers
had to be queens and emperors.

You know, had...
set a goal for themselves.

I remember that.

All I'm looking for
is a sense of direction.

That's all.

(down-tempo music playing)

Okay...

C, C, B?

Then what happened?

Hey, Nessa. I'm looking
at your report card.

You got four Cs and a B?

I passed, didn't I?

We're not raising you
just to get by.

What's wrong with you?
Hold on.

Look, I can raise myself.
That's it.

Those lazy girlfriends must go.

You won't be happy
until I have no friends.

Nessa, I'm not gonna
argue with you.

You're getting rid
of those trifling-ass
girls, starting today!

She don't care about no grades,
no college, no school.

Only thing she care
about is the Motherland.

I wish a lion would
eat her ass up.

He'd probably spit her
right back out

'cause she's
so damn bitter.

Well, you know what, honey?
I've been thinking about this,

and it wouldn't hurt
Vanessa, Jordan or Bryana

if they were exposed
to a different set of kids.

I'm with that. I ain't
got no problem with that.

Oh, good. So now I think
it'd be a good time

to put them into
Jack & Jacqueline's.
Hell, no.

Hell, no, hell,
no, hell, no.
Wait a minute.

No, no, no.
Wait a minute. But why not?

I mean, come on,
Jack & Jacqueline

have helped shape thousands
of future black leaders.

So why wouldn't you
want these kids to
benefit from that?

Woman, you need to stop that.

You know that damn club
ain't nothing but a club

of "We think we
better than you."

A bunch of bourgeois squares--
high booties.

And I don't want no part of it.

Okay, so obviously, you don't
remember who was in my group.

(organ music playing)

Oh, Lord, please don't let it be
the photo album, Lord.

Please, Father, please!

Okay, so, honey, here we are,
right here in Vail.

Okay, this is the ski weekend.
I had the best time.

Now, if you look
at this picture right here,

you could see the steam
off the cocoas.

God, that's a great photo.

Sweetheart, those
kids don't need
no damn ski trip.

They need boot camp.

Well, honey,
you said it yourself,

that Vanessa needs
direction, okay?

Yeah.
And here's a place

that can teach them
responsibility,

respect and leadership.

Look, America,
the last thing I want

is Nessa to think
she's better than anybody.

But just maybe...
she can learn something.

You think?

And you're a comedian?
Yes, ma'am.

Didn't we admit
an entertainer
five years ago?

No. He was an
entertainment lawyer.

Oh. Of course.

Anyway, um, welcome,
and, uh... enjoy yourselves.

Yeah, you enjoy yourself,
too, you fake...

Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.

Please, can we go now?

No.
No, you all stay here.

I'm gonna go look
for some real food.

Stay close
to your aunt.

Don't disappear.

Now, this Saturday,
we'll be having

an afternoon tea
for the older group.

Your Vanessa
would love that.

Oh, my God,
I remember the teas.

They were so much fun.

(chuckles)
And the boy's age group

will be having
an etiquette class,

while the youngest
will be doing arts and crafts.

(chuckles)

He's gotten scholarship offers
from MIT, Howard and Emory.

Uh-huh. Oh, really?

Scholarships?

I like this.

(inhaling)

Inhaler with a streamline
delivery attachment?

Very nice.
It's European.

May I?
Of course.

Oh, nice weight.

Feels good in the hand.

(inhales)

Wow. Smooth finish.

And no aftertaste.
Really?

We're only allowed
to watch television

for one hour a week.

What do you do the
rest of the time?

We read.

We'll send out a detailed
activity schedule

to those that we
invite into membership.

I like that.
Excuse me.

Baby, you were right.

All these kids got
something going on here.

I don't think I've
had the pleasure.

This is my daughter,
Sherry French.

She's the teen
group leader.

Ma'am.
Hello.

Sir.

Ma'am.
Very nice to meet you.

Good to be met.
(giggles)

"Sir" and "ma'am"?

Whew! Heh.

America... (chuckles)

I think I got the vapors.

This is my niece, Vanessa.
Vanessa, this is Sherry.

Nice to meet you, Vanessa.

Chicken roll?
WAITER: Chicken roll.

Oh, Vanessa--
"No, thank you."

(forced chuckle)

Sir, I'll take
a chicken roll.

That's what I'm
talking about, America.

Children like old days.

Old Big Mama'd be proud.

Respectful. Well-mannered.

I mean, college-bound.

And my baby Wanda...
turned out fine.

How bad could it be, America?

Huh? How bad could it be?

More Doodles?

Uncle Bernie.
Yeah.

Why didn't you open
the car door for Aunt Wanda?

Good question.
That's only when
you're courting.

Not according to the etiquette
book they gave me.

Read your etiquette book
someplace else, okay?

You know, Uncle Bernie,
you were right.

They are a little
too bourgeois.

They're not
the group for us.

You know something?
You're absolutely right.

They're definitely
not the group for us.

But they're
the group for you.

And you're going
to the tea party.

But I don't want to go.
You are going.

Vanessa, can I talk to you
for a second?

Honey, once you get to know
some of these members,

I promise you,
you'll probably have

just as good
of a time as I did.

(sarcastic) Ooh. Yay.

(chamber music playing)

(indistinct chatter)

I wore a tie
to Kendall's party,

and they locked me
in the closet.

Nobody thinks
you guys are nerds?

Nerds?
We're the future--

captains of industries,
senators.

Like, the kids that
are getting picked
first in kickball

are really gonna
rule the earth.

I wouldn't mind being
a captain of industry.

WOMAN: Young ladies
and gentlemen,

I am about to teach you
a few simple maxims

that will open doors for you
for the rest of your lives.

I told you.

Whatcha doing, Baby Girl?

Uncle Bernie,
does this look right?

I hope not.

Ooh, my God,
these things are going fast.

Here you go, girl.

Did I tell you about
the day Tammy and I
had on Saturday?

No.
Brunch, shopping,
spa treatments,

the works--
just us girls.

Oh, Sherry and I
are the same way.

We stayed up half the night
talking about this boy
she just met.

She said to me, "I know
what you think as my mother,

but I want to know
what you think as my friend."

Isn't it a joy
having a daughter?
Yes.

Yeah, it must be nice
having that extra time.

I was just named senior VP
at West Coast Wireless,

and I'm finding it...
it to be such a...

a challenge to be
a surrogate mother
to these kids, you know?

Juggling a high-stressful job
and my husband--

he's such a handful. (chuckles)

But I feel like I'm...
I'm managing it.

I know, it's tough.

My husband and I
are chief surgeons

at Cedars, and Adrienne is
the CEO of her own beauty line.

With four kids, and my
company going public,
my plate is full.

Well, I'm the same size I was
when I was in college.

Bathroom break.
Excuse me.

I can't believe
I'm doing this.

Me, neither.

Who's ready
for some gin?

I almost couldn't get it.

I had to talk to my
mother all night

just to get her
to go to bed.

You guys drink gin?
Yeah. They can't

smell it on your breath.
Smart, huh?

(giggles)

Oh. No, thanks.

All right. You'll learn.

These teas can
go on forever.

I thought you guys
were into this stuff.

Please. I just know
how to play it.

If you're polite
and get decent grades,
you get a free pass.

And all the rules,
like not being able

to go out on school nights,
go away.

I even get extra money
just to go to the mall.

And my gift for
getting straight A's?

Parked in the driveway.

Nice.

See, Vanessa?
Look at your uncle.
He's so proud.

He's probably saying to himself,
"Now, this is how young ladies
are supposed to behave."

(giggling)

BOTH: Good afternoon, Mr. Mac.

Good afternoon,
lovely ladies.

May I join you?

Sure, just...
let me go refill this.

See, America?

This is how children
should behave.

In fact, it's more than
I could ever dream of.

Look at my niece--

Nessa dressed all up real nice,

sipping tea with her pinkie out,

surrounded by good examples.

America, I must admit--

Bernie Mac has found
his rightful village
to raise a child.

I like snooty black people
after all, America.

And I stand corrected.

And when a man is wrong,
he is wrong.

(doorbell ringing)

BERNIE: Who's that?

NESSA: It's my friends.

Can you ask them
to wait, please?

Hell, no.

I'm going to ask them
to leave right now.

Good evening, Mr. Mac.
We're here to pick up Vanessa.

Oh, Sherry from
Jack & Jacqueline.
How y'all doing?

Come on in
for a few minutes.

If it's all right, we'd like
Vanessa to join us for coffee.

She'll be home
in time for dinner.

Hold on one minute.

Hey, Nessa,
your girlfriends here.

They want to take you out
for coffee.

Forget about your homework.
You'll be back in time.

(soul music playing)

So, we're going
to get coffee?

(chuckles)
Yeah, right.

(dog barking in distance)

(Bernie whistling tune)

Hey, man, what are
you doing, man?

That's our good stuff, man.
We're having burgers.

I'm practicing setting
a formal table,

like they do
at the White House.

If I want to be
a captain of industry,

I need to know how to dine
with the movers and shakers
of the world.

By the way, why don't
we have a fish fork?

Now, you hear that, America?

That's exactly what I don't
like about Jack & Jacqueline.

Fish fork?

Dude, I'm a grown-up man.
I was eating before
you were born.

I think I know
where things belong.

Then what's this fork for?

Um... uh... that's
a salad fork.

Very good. And this knife?

Butter.
I'm impressed.

And what about
this spoon?

Spoon.
Can't hardly see that.

Let's me see what
that's for...

Ow. That's
a sugar spoon.

That's why I gave you two lumps.
Now clean this mess up.

Look, Uncle Bernie.

Jack & Jacqueline gave us
a take-home project.

It's a T-shirt.
Do you like it?

It looks pretty good.
Let's see.

It looks pretty...

Hey.

This looks just like
my Earth, Wind & Fire
vintage shirt.

You know better than
taking things, Baby Girl,

don't belong to you
without asking.

But it had writing on it.

Yeah. Maurice White autograph
was on this.

I'm sorry.
I'm sorry for you.

Sorry's not going
to put the glitter back on it.

You know how long
I waited for this?

1974, Chicago,
Rosemont Theater.

I stood outside
and I waited.

It was 23 below zero.

Well, Jack & Jacqueline
are certainly having

an effect on my family.

It's keeping Vanessa
on the straight and narrow,

so I guess I have to take
the good with the bad.

And the ugly.

(phone ringing)
(whistling tune)

Hello. Mr. Mac.

MAN: Yes. Is this
Vanessa Tompkins' guardian?

That's correct.
Vanessa Tompkins--
that's my niece.

Sir, she's being detained
for shoplifting.

What?

I can't believe it.
I've seen everything
you've been in.

Man, I'm one of your biggest
fans. I've seen Players Club.
I've seen Life.

I've seen you
in the Def Jam, man.

I've seen you back
in House Party, man.

You the man, man.
You kill me.

"Chang-a-lang,
chang-a-lang," you know.

"Skin's soft like
a woman," you know.

Like you had some real,
you know, girl in you, but...

Oh, excuse me.

Hey, ladies,
Bernie Mac.

Shoplifting, huh?

So I guess coffee and
studying wasn't good
enough thrill for you.

So you had
to go and steal?
Huh, Nessa?

Honey, are you all right?

What happened,
Tammy?

It's okay, Mrs. Phillips.

We're all right.

It was just a big
misunderstanding.

OFFICER: No, ain't no
misunderstanding.

Security tape
don't lie.

They switching tags
on lip gloss, nylons,

all sorts of
little stuff.

And our policy
is to prosecute

to the fullest
extent of the law.

Except your niece--
I'm going to let her go

on this one 'cause
you're my dawg.

Oh, so this is
how it works, huh?

I guess the two of you
have the routine down.

My niece is going to get
the same treatment

all the other girls get.
You understand that?

I'm going to let
them all go.

That's right.
Except y'all banned
from this store.

That's cool, dawg.

You get your stuff.
Let's go.

Now.

(mouthing words)

(radio playing
rhythm and blues)

Uncle Bernie,
can I say something?

(music grows louder)

America, I can't talk to her.

If I say anything to this girl,

I'm going to kill her,
I tell you.

I swear, I'll catch a case.

Ah. Uncle Bernie,

a gentleman would say,
"Please pass the potatoes,"

and then we would pass
them to the right till
they got to you.

Or he could just reach over
and grab 'em yourself.

(giggles nervously)

Sweetie, I love
the pot holder
you made for me.

I made one for everybody.

Everyone? Now, that
was sweet of you.

Honey, she made you
a pot holder, too.

I saw it.

So, what'd you steal?

Jordan,
now is not the time.

You know, Vanessa,
I've been thinking...

and... maybe you're right.

You know, maybe
Jack & Jacqueline
isn't the place for you.

Well, I'm so sorry
I embarrassed you, Aunt Wanda,

because I know that the only
thing you really care about

is your precious
Jack & Jacqueline.

Do you honestly believe that?

Do you think I would put
those people above you?

Sweetie, the fact is
is that you stole.

Whatever.
I'm done.

(doorbell rings)

Who would come over unannounced
during the dinner hour?

Wow. So rude.

Hello, Mr. Mac.
Hi. How you doing?

I'm sorry to
disturb you,

but my daughter
has something to say.

Mr. Mac, it wasn't
Vanessa's idea.

Sherry started this...
initiation thing,

and we all did it before;
we just never got caught.

Vanessa didn't even want
to do it.

I just thought
I should let you know.

And I feel terrible
about what I said before.

It was uncalled for.

No worries.

I really appreciate you coming
by and saying what you said.

Thank you.

See, Uncle Bernie,
if you would just let me talk.

It wasn't my fault.
Sherry made me do it.

Why are you
still mad at me?

I can't win.

You know, I wouldn't have
even been in that crowd

if you hadn't have pushed those
Jack & Jacqueline people on me.

I don't see your brothers and
sisters around here stealing.

There's good and
bad in everything,

but it's something in you
that always makes you

end up picking up the bad.

Same way we were when
we was growing up--

Carl, Benita,
your mother, myself.

We came from the same
damn house, same rules.

But, for some reason,
your mother had to hang
with the wrong crowd.

You leave my mother
out of this.

You don't tell me
who to leave out.

I loved your mother...
but I'll be damned

if I let you be
just like your mother.

Well, I'd rather be like her
than like you.

(The Four Tops:
"(Reach Out) I'll Be There")

I should've never said anything
about her mama.

But I was just speaking
the truth.

See, America, I see
a lot of her mother...

...in Vanessa.

Now, don't get me wrong--
some good, some bad.

But, this time, it's
gonna turn out different.

(phone rings)

Hello.
TRINA: Hey, it's me.

Oh, what's up, Trina?
Well, what's the plan?

So, you guys still going
to the concert?

Yeah. Can you go?
Yeah, I'm down.

Just come to my window
and pick me up.

What about your uncle?

(scoffs)
Please. Forget him.

You'd like to.
Right.

Tell him you're going
to a tea party.

Okay, well, I'll see you
when you get here.

Okay.

Bye.
Bye.

(distant siren wailing)

You know, America...
♪ I'll be there ♪

I'm at war.

♪ With a love that
will shelter you ♪

I might have lost the battle...

♪ I'll be there ♪

....but I will not
lose this war.

♪ With a love that will
see you through ♪

I will not lose this war.

♪ When you feel lost
and about to give up... ♪

I think I got the vapors.

Whew! Huh! America... huh!

(laughs)

I think I got the vapors.

Oh, oh, oh, oh, the vapors.

One more time.
Let me tell you something.

Bernie Mac--
I got the vapors.

I got the vapors.

Captioned by Visual Data