Original subtitles

(theme music playing)

(music playing) (laughs) Yeah.

Hey, ladies. What's going on?

(hip-hop music playing)

Nowadays, kids don't talk to you at all.

They only want to be left alone.

Try to make you feel like you're an intruder in your own house.

Uh-uh. No way.

Big Mama didn't raise that.

Nah.

Hey, scoot in.

(groans)

Well, shouldn't you girls be studying?

Algebra, spelling, something like that?

I mean, the SAT is coming up pretty soon, isn't it?

We don't take that till next year.

And, anyway, college isn't my thing.

It's not? What's your thing?

Well, after high school, I'm gonna backpack through Africa.

You know, see my people.

See your people. Mmm.

That sounds like fun. I think I want to go, too.

Why don't you just go to Detroit?

What about you, Donna? College your thing?

Oh, no. Well, my trust fund kicks in when I'm 18.

It's about 40 Gs, so I'm straight.

(dog barking in distance)

BERNIE: Sweetheart, they're trifling.

They are trifling.

Honey, they're teenagers.

Would you stop defending them?

I remember when teenagers had to be queens and emperors.

You know, had... set a goal for themselves.

I remember that.

All I'm looking for is a sense of direction.

That's all.

(down-tempo music playing)

Okay...

C, C, B?

Then what happened?

Hey, Nessa. I'm looking at your report card.

You got four Cs and a B?

I passed, didn't I?

We're not raising you just to get by.

What's wrong with you? Hold on.

Look, I can raise myself. That's it.

Those lazy girlfriends must go.

You won't be happy until I have no friends.

Nessa, I'm not gonna argue with you.

You're getting rid of those trifling-ass girls, starting today!

She don't care about no grades, no college, no school.

Only thing she care about is the Motherland.

I wish a lion would eat her ass up.

He'd probably spit her right back out

'cause she's so damn bitter.

Well, you know what, honey? I've been thinking about this,

and it wouldn't hurt Vanessa, Jordan or Bryana

if they were exposed to a different set of kids.

I'm with that. I ain't got no problem with that.

Oh, good. So now I think it'd be a good time

to put them into Jack & Jacqueline's. Hell, no.

Hell, no, hell, no, hell, no. Wait a minute.

No, no, no. Wait a minute. But why not?

I mean, come on, Jack & Jacqueline

have helped shape thousands of future black leaders.

So why wouldn't you want these kids to benefit from that?

Woman, you need to stop that.

You know that damn club ain't nothing but a club

of "We think we better than you."

A bunch of bourgeois squares-- high booties.

And I don't want no part of it.

Okay, so obviously, you don't remember who was in my group.

(organ music playing)

Oh, Lord, please don't let it be the photo album, Lord.

Please, Father, please!

Okay, so, honey, here we are, right here in Vail.

Okay, this is the ski weekend. I had the best time.

Now, if you look at this picture right here,

you could see the steam off the cocoas.

God, that's a great photo.

Sweetheart, those kids don't need no damn ski trip.

They need boot camp.

Well, honey, you said it yourself,

that Vanessa needs direction, okay?

Yeah. And here's a place

that can teach them responsibility,

respect and leadership.

Look, America, the last thing I want

is Nessa to think she's better than anybody.

But just maybe... she can learn something.

You think?

And you're a comedian? Yes, ma'am.

Didn't we admit an entertainer five years ago?

No. He was an entertainment lawyer.

Oh. Of course.

Anyway, um, welcome, and, uh... enjoy yourselves.

Yeah, you enjoy yourself, too, you fake...

Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.

Please, can we go now?

No. No, you all stay here.

I'm gonna go look for some real food.

Stay close to your aunt.

Don't disappear.

Now, this Saturday, we'll be having

an afternoon tea for the older group.

Your Vanessa would love that.

Oh, my God, I remember the teas.

They were so much fun.

(chuckles) And the boy's age group

will be having an etiquette class,

while the youngest will be doing arts and crafts.

(chuckles)

He's gotten scholarship offers from MIT, Howard and Emory.

Uh-huh. Oh, really?

Scholarships?

I like this.

(inhaling)

Inhaler with a streamline delivery attachment?

Very nice. It's European.

May I? Of course.

Oh, nice weight.

Feels good in the hand.

(inhales)

Wow. Smooth finish.

And no aftertaste. Really?

We're only allowed to watch television

for one hour a week.

What do you do the rest of the time?

We read.

We'll send out a detailed activity schedule

to those that we invite into membership.

I like that. Excuse me.

Baby, you were right.

All these kids got something going on here.

I don't think I've had the pleasure.

This is my daughter, Sherry French.

She's the teen group leader.

Ma'am. Hello.

Sir.

Ma'am. Very nice to meet you.

Good to be met. (giggles)

"Sir" and "ma'am"?

Whew! Heh.

America... (chuckles)

I think I got the vapors.

This is my niece, Vanessa. Vanessa, this is Sherry.

Nice to meet you, Vanessa.

Chicken roll? WAITER: Chicken roll.

Oh, Vanessa-- "No, thank you."

(forced chuckle)

Sir, I'll take a chicken roll.

That's what I'm talking about, America.

Children like old days.

Old Big Mama'd be proud.

Respectful. Well-mannered.

I mean, college-bound.

And my baby Wanda... turned out fine.

How bad could it be, America?

Huh? How bad could it be?

More Doodles?

Uncle Bernie. Yeah.

Why didn't you open the car door for Aunt Wanda?

Good question. That's only when you're courting.

Not according to the etiquette book they gave me.

Read your etiquette book someplace else, okay?

You know, Uncle Bernie, you were right.

They are a little too bourgeois.

They're not the group for us.

You know something? You're absolutely right.

They're definitely not the group for us.

But they're the group for you.

And you're going to the tea party.

But I don't want to go. You are going.

Vanessa, can I talk to you for a second?

Honey, once you get to know some of these members,

I promise you, you'll probably have

just as good of a time as I did.

(sarcastic) Ooh. Yay.

(chamber music playing)

(indistinct chatter)

I wore a tie to Kendall's party,

and they locked me in the closet.

Nobody thinks you guys are nerds?

Nerds? We're the future--

captains of industries, senators.

Like, the kids that are getting picked first in kickball

are really gonna rule the earth.

I wouldn't mind being a captain of industry.

WOMAN: Young ladies and gentlemen,

I am about to teach you a few simple maxims

that will open doors for you for the rest of your lives.

I told you.

Whatcha doing, Baby Girl?

Uncle Bernie, does this look right?

I hope not.

Ooh, my God, these things are going fast.

Here you go, girl.

Did I tell you about the day Tammy and I had on Saturday?

No. Brunch, shopping, spa treatments,

the works-- just us girls.

Oh, Sherry and I are the same way.

We stayed up half the night talking about this boy she just met.

She said to me, "I know what you think as my mother,

but I want to know what you think as my friend."

Isn't it a joy having a daughter? Yes.

Yeah, it must be nice having that extra time.

I was just named senior VP at West Coast Wireless,

and I'm finding it... it to be such a...

a challenge to be a surrogate mother to these kids, you know?

Juggling a high-stressful job and my husband--

he's such a handful. (chuckles)

But I feel like I'm... I'm managing it.

I know, it's tough.

My husband and I are chief surgeons

at Cedars, and Adrienne is the CEO of her own beauty line.

With four kids, and my company going public, my plate is full.

Well, I'm the same size I was when I was in college.

Bathroom break. Excuse me.

I can't believe I'm doing this.

Me, neither.

Who's ready for some gin?

I almost couldn't get it.

I had to talk to my mother all night

just to get her to go to bed.

You guys drink gin? Yeah. They can't

smell it on your breath. Smart, huh?

(giggles)

Oh. No, thanks.

All right. You'll learn.

These teas can go on forever.

I thought you guys were into this stuff.

Please. I just know how to play it.

If you're polite and get decent grades, you get a free pass.

And all the rules, like not being able

to go out on school nights, go away.

I even get extra money just to go to the mall.

And my gift for getting straight A's?

Parked in the driveway.

Nice.

See, Vanessa? Look at your uncle. He's so proud.

He's probably saying to himself, "Now, this is how young ladies are supposed to behave."

(giggling)

BOTH: Good afternoon, Mr. Mac.

Good afternoon, lovely ladies.

May I join you?

Sure, just... let me go refill this.

See, America?

This is how children should behave.

In fact, it's more than I could ever dream of.

Look at my niece--

Nessa dressed all up real nice,

sipping tea with her pinkie out,

surrounded by good examples.

America, I must admit--

Bernie Mac has found his rightful village to raise a child.

I like snooty black people after all, America.

And I stand corrected.

And when a man is wrong, he is wrong.

(doorbell ringing)

BERNIE: Who's that?

NESSA: It's my friends.

Can you ask them to wait, please?

Hell, no.

I'm going to ask them to leave right now.

Good evening, Mr. Mac. We're here to pick up Vanessa.

Oh, Sherry from Jack & Jacqueline. How y'all doing?

Come on in for a few minutes.

If it's all right, we'd like Vanessa to join us for coffee.

She'll be home in time for dinner.

Hold on one minute.

Hey, Nessa, your girlfriends here.

They want to take you out for coffee.

Forget about your homework. You'll be back in time.

(soul music playing)

So, we're going to get coffee?

(chuckles) Yeah, right.

(dog barking in distance)

(Bernie whistling tune)

Hey, man, what are you doing, man?

That's our good stuff, man. We're having burgers.

I'm practicing setting a formal table,

like they do at the White House.

If I want to be a captain of industry,

I need to know how to dine with the movers and shakers of the world.

By the way, why don't we have a fish fork?

Now, you hear that, America?

That's exactly what I don't like about Jack & Jacqueline.

Fish fork?

Dude, I'm a grown-up man. I was eating before you were born.

I think I know where things belong.

Then what's this fork for?

Um... uh... that's a salad fork.

Very good. And this knife?

Butter. I'm impressed.

And what about this spoon?

Spoon. Can't hardly see that.

Let's me see what that's for...

Ow. That's a sugar spoon.

That's why I gave you two lumps. Now clean this mess up.

Look, Uncle Bernie.

Jack & Jacqueline gave us a take-home project.

It's a T-shirt. Do you like it?

It looks pretty good. Let's see.

It looks pretty...

Hey.

This looks just like my Earth, Wind & Fire vintage shirt.

You know better than taking things, Baby Girl,

don't belong to you without asking.

But it had writing on it.

Yeah. Maurice White autograph was on this.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry for you.

Sorry's not going to put the glitter back on it.

You know how long I waited for this?

1974, Chicago, Rosemont Theater.

I stood outside and I waited.

It was 23 below zero.

Well, Jack & Jacqueline are certainly having

an effect on my family.

It's keeping Vanessa on the straight and narrow,

so I guess I have to take the good with the bad.

And the ugly.

(phone ringing) (whistling tune)

Hello. Mr. Mac.

MAN: Yes. Is this Vanessa Tompkins' guardian?

That's correct. Vanessa Tompkins-- that's my niece.

Sir, she's being detained for shoplifting.

What?

I can't believe it. I've seen everything you've been in.

Man, I'm one of your biggest fans. I've seen Players Club. I've seen Life.

I've seen you in the Def Jam, man.

I've seen you back in House Party, man.

You the man, man. You kill me.

"Chang-a-lang, chang-a-lang," you know.

"Skin's soft like a woman," you know.

Like you had some real, you know, girl in you, but...

Oh, excuse me.

Hey, ladies, Bernie Mac.

Shoplifting, huh?

So I guess coffee and studying wasn't good enough thrill for you.

So you had to go and steal? Huh, Nessa?

Honey, are you all right?

What happened, Tammy?

It's okay, Mrs. Phillips.

We're all right.

It was just a big misunderstanding.

OFFICER: No, ain't no misunderstanding.

Security tape don't lie.

They switching tags on lip gloss, nylons,

all sorts of little stuff.

And our policy is to prosecute

to the fullest extent of the law.

Except your niece-- I'm going to let her go

on this one 'cause you're my dawg.

Oh, so this is how it works, huh?

I guess the two of you have the routine down.

My niece is going to get the same treatment

all the other girls get. You understand that?

I'm going to let them all go.

That's right. Except y'all banned from this store.

That's cool, dawg.

You get your stuff. Let's go.

Now.

(mouthing words)

(radio playing rhythm and blues)

Uncle Bernie, can I say something?

(music grows louder)

America, I can't talk to her.

If I say anything to this girl,

I'm going to kill her, I tell you.

I swear, I'll catch a case.

Ah. Uncle Bernie,

a gentleman would say, "Please pass the potatoes,"

and then we would pass them to the right till they got to you.

Or he could just reach over and grab 'em yourself.

(giggles nervously)

Sweetie, I love the pot holder you made for me.

I made one for everybody.

Everyone? Now, that was sweet of you.

Honey, she made you a pot holder, too.

I saw it.

So, what'd you steal?

Jordan, now is not the time.

You know, Vanessa, I've been thinking...

and... maybe you're right.

You know, maybe Jack & Jacqueline isn't the place for you.

Well, I'm so sorry I embarrassed you, Aunt Wanda,

because I know that the only thing you really care about

is your precious Jack & Jacqueline.

Do you honestly believe that?

Do you think I would put those people above you?

Sweetie, the fact is is that you stole.

Whatever. I'm done.

(doorbell rings)

Who would come over unannounced during the dinner hour?

Wow. So rude.

Hello, Mr. Mac. Hi. How you doing?

I'm sorry to disturb you,

but my daughter has something to say.

Mr. Mac, it wasn't Vanessa's idea.

Sherry started this... initiation thing,

and we all did it before; we just never got caught.

Vanessa didn't even want to do it.

I just thought I should let you know.

And I feel terrible about what I said before.

It was uncalled for.

No worries.

I really appreciate you coming by and saying what you said.

Thank you.

See, Uncle Bernie, if you would just let me talk.

It wasn't my fault. Sherry made me do it.

Why are you still mad at me?

I can't win.

You know, I wouldn't have even been in that crowd

if you hadn't have pushed those Jack & Jacqueline people on me.

I don't see your brothers and sisters around here stealing.

There's good and bad in everything,

but it's something in you that always makes you

end up picking up the bad.

Same way we were when we was growing up--

Carl, Benita, your mother, myself.

We came from the same damn house, same rules.

But, for some reason, your mother had to hang with the wrong crowd.

You leave my mother out of this.

You don't tell me who to leave out.

I loved your mother... but I'll be damned

if I let you be just like your mother.

Well, I'd rather be like her than like you.

(The Four Tops: "(Reach Out) I'll Be There")

I should've never said anything about her mama.

But I was just speaking the truth.

See, America, I see a lot of her mother...

...in Vanessa.

Now, don't get me wrong-- some good, some bad.

But, this time, it's gonna turn out different.

(phone rings)

Hello. TRINA: Hey, it's me.

Oh, what's up, Trina? Well, what's the plan?

So, you guys still going to the concert?

Yeah. Can you go? Yeah, I'm down.

Just come to my window and pick me up.

What about your uncle?

(scoffs) Please. Forget him.

You'd like to. Right.

Tell him you're going to a tea party.

Okay, well, I'll see you when you get here.

Okay.

Bye. Bye.

(distant siren wailing)

You know, America... ♪ I'll be there ♪

I'm at war.

♪ With a love that will shelter you ♪

I might have lost the battle...

♪ I'll be there ♪

....but I will not lose this war.

♪ With a love that will see you through ♪

I will not lose this war.

♪ When you feel lost and about to give up... ♪

I think I got the vapors.

Whew! Huh! America... huh!

(laughs)

I think I got the vapors.

Oh, oh, oh, oh, the vapors.

One more time. Let me tell you something.

Bernie Mac-- I got the vapors.

I got the vapors.

Captioned by Visual Data