Original subtitles

(theme music playing)

(up-tempo music playing) Hey, how are my two sick little girls?

A little better.

Hey, can you wrap this for me?

It's Auntie Wanda's birthday present.

Ooh, Lachian. She'll love this.

She will?

(sniffs) I can't smell it.

What else did you get her? What else did I get her?

That's $200 an ounce. Mm.

Mm? Mm.

Mm? Better be trying to clear her sinuses.

Ignorant little thing.

Wanda ain't greedy.

She appreciates quality over quantity--

an unassuming little gift,

romantic dinner, nice bottle of wine,

and Bernie Mac, of course, for dessert.

That's quality and quantity.

(kids chattering)

Hey, guys. Anyone want to fly a kite?

(all laughing)

JORDAN: And now everyone's calling me Ben Franklin.

Oh, but now, that's better than Puddles, right?

You told her?

Look, if you want the kids to stop laughing at you,

you got to give an effort.

You gotta start doing some of the things the kids do.

But how? I don't know, Jordan.

Do what the other kids does-- play baseball, kickball, something.

Fit in. Do what the other kids do.

Now, get ready to go to bed.

Good night.

Ow! I told you don't say nothing about...

You did not tell me that. I did. I did so.

(phone ringing)

Hello. WOMAN: Yes, is this Mr. Mac?

Yeah, this is Mac.

(indistinct)

Sure, I remember you, yeah.

(indistinct)

What? Fainted.

He fainted?

The nurse said you didn't eat lunch today.

I lost my lunch money.

That fat girl picking on you again?

No.

I lost it fair and square playing poker.

Where'd you get the fool idea to play poker?

You said to. Me?

Yeah, you said, "Do what all the other kids are doing,"

and all the other kids are playing poker.

Texas Hold 'Em.

It's pretty fun, actually, but it's over real fast.

I'm gonna have to give you some pointers.

You know, I don't think it's a good idea

to be teaching the boy how to gamble.

What are you talking about? You want the kid to go hungry every doggone day?

Look at him. He's skinny enough as it is.

Look like a science project.

You know, I just think gambling is one of those gateway things.

Gateway? Yeah.

What the hell are you talking about?

Take down your voice.

Poker ain't no doggone different than pitching pennies,

flipping baseball cards, or shooting marbles.

I'm just trying to give the boy a fighting chance.

Ketchup. Ketchup.

You ketchup. I'll get it.

I just hope you know what you're doing.

You let me handle him. You handle the girls.

I know exactly what I'm doing.

We're not the Old West.

No one's gonna draw a six gun on him.

This is an elementary school.

There's metal detectors at every door.

Come on!

This is 2004.

Work with me.

Texas Hold 'Em.

First thing you need to know, you can't be trifling

because it'll rip you apart.

The first two cards, they must be face down.

(tapping table) There's numerous names you give these cards:

pit, holding ground, stomping ground, strip.

You're talking about the meanest game on Earth.

This will make a sissy a man.

And you're close to being both of them.

You're playing two tough cowboys. What do you do?

Pocket kings. If the big blind raises, I'm all in.

Let me see your poker face.

Little bit lower.

To the left.

There you go.

There goes Spiderman!

Look at my boy... (chuckles)

Boy, I think you're ready.

Here.

Jordan, this is for you.

Wow, your lucky money clip.

You're doggone right it is.

It works for me.

Aren't you afraid I might lose it?

Give it back. Give it here.

Give it here. Here.

Here, take the money.

Give him my lucky money clip.

Must be out of his damn...

America, you see me getting soft like that, you got to holler.

It's been generation from generation.

My grandfather gave me this.

His grandfather gave him this.

His grandfather got it from a prostitute.

Her name was, uh...

You don't need to know everything.

You don't need to know everything.

(up-tempo music playing)

You guys are all going down.

(boys chattering)

Hey, guys, can I play?

Get lost, Ben Franklin.

Yeah. Go chop down a cherry tree.

(all laughing)

That was George Washington...

and so are these.

Nerd money is just as green.

♪ Now we gonna go down ♪

♪ In the meantime ♪

♪ Gettin' ready... ♪

Hey, Baby Girl.

Come on, man. How'd it go?

They're still calling me Ben Franklin.

You're kidding?

But that's because I'm all about the Benjamins!

Yeah! Yeah, baby.

That's what I'm talking about.

Look at... You did all this? Oh, yeah.

You should have seen his face when I called him, Uncle Bernie. Mm-hm.

I had the stone cold nuts, and he was on tilt after that.

And I cleaned him out.

Well, you'd better hurry up and clean that out.

If your Auntie Wanda finds out

I gave you ice cream before dinner, she'll be...

(laughing) Give it here. Give it.

It's true. Hey.

Hey, hey.

Hey. We got facials.

You all look beautiful.

Don't we look like 14-year-olds?

Yeah, but you act it, too.

That'd be the margaritas.

(laughing)

How many margaritas you have?

Enough to go pee. I'll be back.

(laughing) Ooh.

Bernie. What?

Wanda's birthday's on Friday. What are you gonna get her? Right.

I ordered her two new friends,

but they won't be here till Saturday.

Bernie! What?

I couldn't think of any doggone thing.

I got her some perfume and a special card.

I couldn't think of nothing.

(inhales sharply) Ooh.

Why are you looking all like that, like you're using Botox?

Oh, you really don't know, do you?

Know what?

Bernie, honey, you have got to make up for

that huge mess you made last year.

What giant mess I made last year?

What are you talking about?

Like you don't know.

♪ Happy birthday to you ♪

(applause, cheers)

(clears her throat)

Whoa, whoa, whoa, 36?

You told us you were 32.

(quiet chatter)

Well, I guess that makes me the youngest vice president.

Now, this is the one that she said she wanted.

BERNIE: Mm. I know.

It's called the Cognac Diamond.

That is gorgeous. Mm-hm.

Now, you know she told us girls

that you better step up this year, right?

I'd better step up? Mm-hm.

Come on, that don't sound like Wanda.

Wha-- Bernie, the page did not mark itself.

(crickets chirping)

Look here, it's not that I want to be Kobe.

I could be Kobe any day of the week.

It just ain't like Wanda to be expecting it, man.

Bernie, man, we're trying to watch the fight here, man.

Yeah. Yes. All right?

If I wanted to hear about diamonds or birthday presents,

I could have stayed home, all right?

Hey, guys, anyone want to play cards?

You play cards, little man? Yep.

Uncle Bernie taught me to play Texas Hold 'Em.

Where'd you get all this stuff, man?

I won it off the kids at school.

And don't believe the hype that eighth graders are smarter,

'cause we got some real live ones.

Oh, man. Somebody bet a Barry Bonds autographed ball?

On a pair of buckets, too.

Some people want to lose their money.

Okay, let's play. Jordan, you can ante with this A-Rod rookie card.

Look at this, man. CHUY: What?

BERNIE: Jordan, Jordan, we're trying to watch the fight.

You're not gonna do anything right now.

I want you to take all your goods and go back to your room

while we watch the fight, okay?

Good.

I really wanted that A-Rod, man.

(laughs)

What's wrong with you, man? Come on, man.

That's A-Rod, man. Crying.

Hey, J, you took some great stuff

off those kids at school, man.

Little man must have a strong technique.

I'm saying. Oh, it's nothing.

Uncle Bernie taught me to play the man, not the cards.

All you have to do is look for the tells.

Like Uncle Bernie with the cigars.

Elaborate, little man. Yeah.

I've watched you guys.

I mean, he only smokes it when he's got nothing.

For real?

Yep, but when he puts it in the ashtray,

look out, because he's got the stone nuts.

Is that a fact? Let me see if I got it--

If he's puffing, he's bluffing?

Right. But if it's in the tray...

Fold away. Fold away.

BERNIE: Hey. WANDA: Hmm?

Two more days before the big day.

You thought about anything special?

Oh, no. (chuckles)

Ah, you're not getting off that easy.

What are you talking about? I'm not trying to get off easy.

I'm just trying not to make the same mistake

I made last year.

Honey, let's not talk about last year.

Besides, whatever it is,

I'm sure you'll get me something nice.

Oh, yeah...

(moans)

Something nice?

Is that "sure" like I always do, or like I'd better?

Did she say anything to you all about a diamond?

I didn't think so.

She's not that kind of...

But then when she...

Take it easy.

Hey, Jordan, we on for recess?

I'm there, poker face.

That's what I'm talking about.

Now you're one of the fellas.

Eh, you know how we do. Doggone right.

Yo-ho-ho, bro.

Oh, don't start that.

(up-tempo music playing)

You just call me if you get your hands on some, okay?

MAN: I'll do my best, sir. Thank you.

Damn. What's wrong with you?

I'm trying to get this for your aunt's birthday. I can't find it anywhere.

I looked the whole West Coast for it. I can't find it.

I thought the perfume was enough.

I thought your throat was hurting.

I did think the perfume was enough.

No, I did. Now I'm not sure.

Wanda got the cables on me.

She got no tells.

She got the stone cold nuts.

(sighs)

What would you...

(down-tempo music playing) BERNIE (thinking): What is going on?

This isn't how I do it.

I'm down to my only $20.

Twenty damn dollars, a pair of threes.

All right, Bernie Mac,

it's time for the big, bad wolf.

It's time to huff and bluff, and blow their house down.

All right. I'm in.

All in.

Might as well get all my money back.

CHUY (thinking): Hmm, what's he got?

If he's puffing, he's bluffing.

I'll call. (chuckles)

Jacks over nines.

Ooh! (laughing)

Show him what you got, big dawg.

What you got? You got something? I can't hear you.

Take 'em.

Oh! (laughing)

Fold. I'm out. Me, too.

Wait a minute. Wait a doggone minute here.

How the hell y'all know what I got in my hand?

What's going on here?

I ain't have nothing. I ain't have nothing.

You know what I'm talking about, big fella. Come on.

Chuy? It was Jordan.

He told us your tells. (chuckles) Sorry.

Tells?

Bernie Mac got tells, and he told them.

That boy revealed my intimacies, little son of a...

I hope he never wins another hand, ever!

Smell this.

That's a good cigar there, boy.

A good cigar.

He probably told them where I got that from.

(indistinct chatter)

(boys sigh)

(chuckles) Just too easy.

Hey, you guys want to play poker at our house after school?

Give us a chance to win our stuff back?

Maybe. What do you have left?

I get my allowance next week. Will you take my marker?

I don't know. Will you guys vouch for him?

Yeah, it's true. Dad gives us our allowance next week.

I'll be there.

Not me. I gotta save money for Saturday.

What's Saturday?

Um, uh, we're having a birthday party.

Oh, cool. I hope you like Jake Fury: Fists of Iron as a birthday present.

(dejected) It's really good.

(chuckles)

(sighs)

(doorbell chimes)

Hey, Carl, what's going on?

Hey, Bern. I heard Vanessa was sick.

I brought her a little chicken soup with matzo balls.

Jewish penicillin.

Thank you, Carl. Thank you so much.

Hey, take some for yourself. What's with the punim?

It's a long story.

You-you don't want to hear it.

Let me be the judge of that.

Well, today is Wanda's birthday.

Too long, too long.

(laughs) Ha. That's the smile.

That's the... Now, come on.

What's wrong with a birthday?

Well, it's this rare stone I'm trying to get her,

but I can't find it anywhere.

It's Cognac.

My cousin Shelly,

he's a diamond wholesaler. You're kidding.

Come on. I'll take ya. Seriously?

(down-tempo music playing)

All in. Call.

Ace, four-- two pair.

Mary Kate... and Ashley.

Which makes a full house. (chuckles)

Oh, I'm not getting any cards.

"Oh, I'm not getting any cards."

(snickering) I get my allowance next week.

Will you take my marker?

(scoffs) Not a chance.

But I need to get some money so I can buy you a present

for your birthday party.

Don't worry about it. You're not invited.

Yeah. There's a "no nerds" rule. (all laughing)

I thought we were friends.

I play poker with you guys every day at lunch.

Yeah, to get our stuff back.

He should have called. Yeah!

JORDAN (groans): You're monsters!

Cousin Shelly!

Shelly Berman.

Oh. I don't believe it.

Look who it is, the atheist.

What happened? Something go wrong and now you need your god?

Don't be a putz. Shelly, Bernie. Bernie, Shelly.

Hi. My pleasure, Shelly.

Yeah and mine. Shelly, I need a favor.

Now, this I believe. Don't bust my kishkas.

Bernie needs a diamond for his wife.

Show him, show him the picture.

Okay. I got it right here. A Cognac.

Here.

Cognac, huh? Hey, very popular lately.

Can you get it?

Can I get it? Huh?

Can I get it? He asks me can I get it.

Of course I can get it. What a relief.

I can't get it now.

Why not? It's almost sunset.

What's that mean, sunset?

Oh, goyim.

It's Shabbat. Uh-huh.

The Sabbath.

A day of rest. I can't work.

Shelly, it's a mitzvah.

That means a good deed.

What do you know from mitzvahs?

All right. All right. We'll go to my shop.

(laughs)

You have me till 6:48.

(organ music playing) I'm not asking you for much.

But if you can find it in your heart,

oh, Heavenly Father,

if you can delay your Daylight Savings Time

just for a little bit, oh, Heavenly Father.

(horn honks)

That is a beautiful stone.

(whistles appreciatively)

Uh-oh.

I'm sorry. The sun has set.

The sun has set, my... Look out there.

It's still hanging out there somewhere.

Sorry. It is 6:48. We're closed.

Come on. Now, wait a minute, George, Shelly.

Give me a hammer and chisel and talk me through it. Come on.

Bernie, do not lose your dignity.

It's gonna be all right. Take her to a nice dinner.

Buy her a present-- maybe a sweater.

Sweater, huh?

I bought her some perfume.

(chuckles)

BOTH: Get her the sweater.

You think, huh?

(up-tempo piano music playing)

It's, uh, pretty quiet back there, kiddo.

What's wrong? Nothing.

Are those kids still calling you "Puddles"?

Is there anyone you didn't tell?

You should be the last one complaining

about blabbing on somebody, Jordan.

I lost everything.

Well, son, you learned a valuable lesson.

That's why they call it gambling, not winning.

It's not that bad.

You'll get 'em next time. (scoffs)

There won't be a next time.

Now that they won their stuff back,

they won't even play with me.

They didn't even invite me to their party.

(mutters)

(gasps) Ooh, honey, there you are.

Oh, honey, thank you so much.

What?

For what?

Ah, because the perfume I saw on the counter, honey.

I could smell it through the box.

You really like your present?

Oh, honey, I love it.

You always give the nicest gifts.

Well, what's all this talk you're talking with Cheryl,

telling her how you want me to get this,

this cognac ring and all this kind of stuff?

I looked all over for this.

(chuckles) Oh, that.

Well, you know how Cheryl is.

You know, she was talking trash, so... Mm-hm?

She was talking about how her boyfriend

would always bring home the bling when he messes up.

So I couldn't think that her man was better than mine.

I could see that.

Right. 'Cause nobody's man is better than my man.

I could see that.

Yeah, honey, let's go.

The sooner we get to dinner...

Mm-hm? ...the sooner we get to come home.

I could see that.

And we can play with my... my perfume.

I could see that. Yeah. Smell it?

Yeah.

Yeah? Smell it right here.

Oops.

I could see that.

How do you like that, America?

Wanda was bluffing her friends, not me.

I knew I had her figured out, but I didn't go with it.

I didn't go with my gut. I folded.

America, always go with your gut.

Always.

How's it going, Jordan?

Bryana ate all the pudding.

Oh, that's right, the big party tonight, right?

Hey, why don't you come on and sit in a few hands with us?

Really? Yeah. You're one of the fellas.

Plus, there ain't no competition no way.

Come on.

Hey, shut the fridge.

(up-tempo music playing)

See, first of all, he's gonna be excited,

because he think he won, okay?

Can you see through that with them glasses?

Yeah, who's in? Is somebody in?

Somebody in? Come on, who's in?

(chuckles) Somebody in? What you in?

Like I said, America, you gotta go with your gut.

Go with your gut.

Besides, it's mitzvah.

That's a good deed.

Plenty of cigars around here.

If you want a cigar, you can get a cigar.

Don't you want one? Maybe I do and maybe I don't.

I'm-I'm just not telling.

(scoffs) Here, tell this.

Aw! (laughing)

Come on! That cleans me out.

That cleans you out?

Rosa gives you an allowance. I accept your marker.

(laughter) Rosa gives you and allowance?!

Why do you gotta say that, man?

She does give you an allowance.

She told me the other day she gives you an allowance.

Oh! Four hundred dollars.

A week?

Captioned by Visual Data