Original subtitles

(theme music playing)

(music playing)

Yo, Baby Girl, dinner's ready. Come on.

Oh, uh, honey, I already fed her. She ate.

She was starving when she came home from school.

What? Yeah.

What did I tell you about wearing your earplugs at the table?

(loudly) They're not on.

I got a good idea.

Why don't you go this, uh, Halloween

as the Wicked Witch from the East?

Speaking of costumes, I've narrowed my choices down to six.

After dinner, I will distribute a secret ballot

to each of the family members.

Please assign three points to each of your first picks

and one and one-third points to each of your secondary picks.

You know what? I have a better idea.

I think you're big enough now for me to give you your own money

and let you go purchase your own costume.

And accessories? Sure.

I gotta go tell Norman.

Look. I'm just thankful

he only wants to dress up on Halloween.

Moving in the right direction, America, if you ask me.

This is a letter from Bryana's school.

And I bet these are her scores

from the standardized state test.

JORDAN: You may want to read them after dinner.

You don't want to lose your appetite.

Be quiet.

Oh, my goodness.

(gasps)

Oh, she's in the 90 percentile.

And sometimes you wonder why you take after your Uncle Bernie.

Because he's smart.

Um, okay, wait a minute, honey.

She's in the 90 percentile out of Wellington.

In this column, it says that she's in the 39th percentile out of the nation.

See this here? She'd better grow up pretty.

Shut up.

Don't worry, Uncle Bernie. I'm know I'm intelligence.

I'm... I'm gonna make an appointment

with Miss Lefko. Okay.

You're damn right we're seeing Miss Lefko.

I want an explanation, America.

Thirty-ninth percentile? That ain't no education.

I'm looking forward to seeing that woman eat some crow.

Could have put her in a public school and bought me a boat.

Look at this. Look at it.

Ha. Some bull.

(children shouting, playing)

Unlike the public system that gears its curriculum

solely towards these standardized tests,

we don't consider ourselves a trade school--

hammering multiplication tables into our children's heads.

Yeah. I don't know why she needs math, anyway.

(chuckles) Mr. Mac.

You know, these state exams,

they don't test for conflict resolution, need articulation,

or... self-esteem.

And on those fronts, believe you me,

our students are in the 100th percentile.

She's supposed to be eating crow.

Uh-uh! Not feeding us bull.

(dog barks in distance)

WANDA: Bryanna's school year has already started.

Maybe you should just wait till next year.

Uh-uh, uh-uh.

We're gonna look for a school for her tonight.

She's gonna start Damien with her brother Jordan.

Damien? You're doggone right.

Okay, well I don't exactly consider that a nurturing environment.

I mean, Jordan's doing well, but...

They already nurtured her down to the 39th percentile.

It's time for somebody to start beating her up to 90.

(sighs)

(school bell rings)

I understand that you and Mrs. Mac want Bryanna to attend Damien.

But, Mr. Mac...

much like when the baby Jesus was born,

Joseph and Mary found there was no room at the inn.

So what are you saying, there's no room?

I'm saying that I have a gymnasium needs a new roof.

Isn't extortion one of the seven deadly sins?

Mr. Mac, all I've done is tell you

that I have a gymnasium that needs a new roof.

(flicks lighter)

Well, she's still angry.

Well, that's the best thing for her.

But it's not the best thing for me.

Listen, Jordan, don't start with me.

But Damien is my fortress of solitude.

Superman. I'm Superman.

I go to Damien to get away from things I don't like.

Things like Bryana. Now, that's enough.

(groans)

But I'm known at school for being the smart one.

She's gonna ruin my rep.

Let me tell you something, son.

Only thing that's gonna ruin your rep is kryptonite.

Now, what's wrong with you?

You scared, Superman?

(groans)

Aunt Wanda, I don't want to change schools.

Please.

Don't worry, little mama, you're gonna love it, okay?

Oh, come on, the uniform is not so bad.

Your Aunt Wanda wore one just like this

all through high school.

And let me tell you, you get to learn a few little tricks along the way--

like these gold-post earrings for your ears.

Uniform? What uniform?

Those gold-post earrings are so distracting,

all we do is focus on your beauty.

You got 30 seconds. Get over it.

(funky music playing)

Come on.

And, Baby Girl, don't pout.

You're gonna be fine.

You got your big brother looking after you.

(groans)

Jordan, don't start.

I'm telling you, don't start with me.

What's wrong with these kids today, America?

He should want to be there for his baby sister.

That's what family's all about.

Jordan better walk in holding that girl's hand,

or I'll pop him upside his head--

with love, of course... 'cause we're family.

(kids chattering)

You're on your own.

(class bell rings)

(down-tempo music playing)

But the most fun of all are homonyms,

such as "principle" and "principal."

And here's a little spelling trick for you.

Only the school principal is your pal. Hmm?

(chuckles)

"I" before "E," except after "C"

or when the vowel sounds like...?

Drew.

"A."

Very good. Now...

Bryana...?

Can I help you?

Are you feeling sick?

No, just bored. I need personal time.

(all gasp)

Sister? Yes.

What's personal time?

(quiet giggling) Um...

(organ music playing)

...which is why Damien doesn't recognize personal time.

Bryana, I think you're going to discover

that your Mrs. Lefko and I

run two very different institutions.

One is an anything-goes, do-what-you-want,

laugh-out-loud wonderland...

...and the other's a school.

I'm sorry. It won't happen again, Sean.

(gasping)

Little girl, even my mother calls me Father.

I ain't never seen the priest that doggone angry.

He was using everybody's name in vain.

Mine, too.

Well, uh, so, sweetie, what we're saying is,

is that the way that you behave at home,

you know, minding your manners,

being polite... Right.

...and doing what you're told,

is the way that you behave at school.

That doesn't sound like fun.

School ain't fun.

You hear that, America?

Fun in school?

(scoffs)

(chuckling) She really must be slow.

Well, from now on, she got two fathers.

And trust me, that father can give me a run for my money.

(kids chattering)

Whew! Okay. I got the 411

on the Halloween party for our class.

It's at Michael's house on Saturday.

Great, because I finally got my costume choices down to three.

It took me all night, but I'm finally there.

Me, too. So, I propose a vote.

In the first round, assign three points... I know the procedure.

(slams locker door)

Why are you yelling at me?

Because. Bryana's exactly the embarrassment I knew she'd be.

Did she really call Father Cronin "Sean"?

Yes. Can you believe that?

No, I cannot.

I even heard some kids telling her they thought that was cool.

No! Yeah.

Ridiculous.

What is that?

Only the best Halloween costume you'll ever see.

Puss N' Boots.

You look stupid.

(sighs) That really means a lot to me,

coming from a person who's so stupid,

she had to change schools.

At least I'm not a nerd.

That's your opinion.

It's not my opinion. It's the whole school's opinion.

What?

Your name's on the wall of the girls' bathroom--

the Nerd Wall.

(Brenda Holloway: "Every Little Bit Hurts")

(coughs)

♪ Every little bit hurts ♪

♪ Every little bit hurts ♪

♪ Every little bit hurts ♪

♪ Every little bit hurts... ♪ (groans)

(humming)

(toilet flushing)

(screams)

(screams)

I thought little would surprise me about your nephew, Mr. Mac,

but I never saw him turning into a peeper.

Yeah, a peeper I can understand,

but looking at nuns, ugh.

Let's agree that it's frowned upon.

Yeah.

And now I have another matter at 2:20.

All right. Sit down, Mr. Mac.

Bryana's the other matter.

Bryana?

I already helped her with her behavior problems.

She's no longer calling people by their first name.

No. Her behavior's improved.

The issue is her academics. Academics?

She's not the swiftest deer in the forest, Mr. Mac.

In fact,

she may well be the dumbest.

You watch your damn tongue, Father Cronin.

I'm telling you right now.

Mr. Mac, the girl couldn't understand fractions

even after Sister Mary Pete broke every piece of chalk she had into thirds.

The girl's a little kid!

The school's not made of chalk, Mr. Mac!

Yeah, I know the roof ain't.

I'm afraid I have no choice

but to push Bryanna back a year into second grade.

Now, you hold on one minute. I helped her with one problem.

Give me a chance to help her with another one.

All right.

I'll give you one week.

But remember,

not everyone can turn water into wine.

One of my children held back

because I left her in hippie school too long, America.

That's 39th-percentile parenting.

And Bernie Mac should be a hundredth percentile--

a hundredth!

You're a smart kid.

All you have to do is start applying yourself,

you'll start getting good grades.

At Wellington, they say the most important grade

is the grade you give yourself.

And I give myself an "A."

Wow, that woman wasn't kidding about that self-esteem.

This one has got a little too much.

A child is like a tree, America.

Sometimes you have to cut 'em down a little

so they can grow big and strong.

You understand?

Well, Father Cronin said if you don't start improving,

he's gonna push you back a whole grade.

And there ain't nothing but babies back there, anyway,

and you're not no baby, are you?

No. But my homework is hard.

Well, you know what? Don't worry.

See, now, this is where your Uncle Bernie could help you.

Isn't that right?

You're doggone right.

And I got an ace.

I know a guy got exact "A's"

in the same exact exams that you got.

Hold on one minute.

Hey, Jordan, come here for a minute.

No! Jordan, come here!

If you don't come here, you're not going to the Halloween party.

Good! I don't want to go!

Excuse me, Baby Girl.

It's gonna take me a few minutes.

I'm going to comfort your brother or whop his butt.

Either way, it's just gonna take me a few minutes.

(chuckling) Jordan... Boy!

Jordan.

Hey, man, what's wrong?

It's too humiliating.

Humiliating?

That's what family is for, man,

to listen to humiliating stories.

Everyone thinks I'm a nerd.

Jordan, you're not a nerd.

You know why I was on my way in here, man?

I was calling you, man, because I needed your help.

I need you to help your sister with her homework.

She's struggling.

Yeah, I need somebody I can trust.

I need a man. Yeah, right.

No, I'm serious.

Look at what you did when you were in third grade.

I left her in that doggone school too doggone long.

When you were there in third grade, what you get?

Three A's and two A-minuses.

Four A's and one A-minus.

I rest my case.

Uncle Bernie. Hmm?

Bryana really didn't learn a thing in that school, did she?

Not a blessed thing.

(chuckles) So you were really wasting your money, huh?

Hmm. (chuckles)

You know one thing, Jordan?

I won't hit a nerd, but I'll hit a man.

In the jowl.

Okay, Bryanna, listen to this sentence carefully.

Jack threw the ball to Jill.

If Jill is the indirect object in the sentence,

then what is the subject?

Baseball?

(sighs) Okay.

We're gonna need milk and cookies

and small candies and anything else we can use

as little reward treats.

Oh, 'cause that was wrong?

Yeah. Oh.

Jack threw the ball to Jill.

(Earth, Wind & Fire: "Yearnin' Learnin'")

♪ Stop! Look what's behind you ♪

♪ Fame and love gonna find you ♪

♪ We're just here to remind you ♪

♪ Yearn and learn is what you do, oh ♪

♪ Yow ♪

-♪ Yeah ♪ -Mmm...

Tasty.

♪ Once upon a time ♪

♪ A child was born ♪

♪ With the light to carry on ♪

♪ Didn't know what he had to be ♪

Uh. ♪ Had a feeling ♪

Mm-mm. ♪ He was bound to see ♪

♪ So the streets he fled to shine ♪

Hot! Hot! ♪ In a world of a different kind... ♪

So one-fourth plus two-eighth

plus six-twelfth equals one.

What'd you say?

One-fourth plus two-eighth

plus six-twelfth equals one.

It is one!

Uncle Bernie! Uncle Bernie!

Yes!

♪ We're just here to remind you ♪

♪ Yearn and learn is what you do ♪

Does this mean I get to stay in the third grade?

Are you kidding?

You keep getting work like this, hell, yeah.

Who's the baby now, Sean?

(laughs)

Jordan, you are the man.

Pardon me, but I have to go put some finishing touches on my costume.

Buckles need swashing.

(up-tempo music playing)

Uncle Bernie, you said you would take us trick-or-treating.

You're going as a donkey?

Duh. Where's Jordan? I don't know.

Oh, he said that he was gonna go to that costume Halloween party after all.

The party at Michael's house? That's not a costume party.

What made him think it was a costume party?

'Cause he's a nerd.

Oh, my God.

(sighing)

Excuse me.

Hey, Jordan.

(chuckles) Just coming from the Halloween party, huh?

How was it?

Not good.

Not good, huh?

I'm afraid that's my fault.

Jordan, I haven't been honest with you, man.

You're a nerd.

(sniffs)

There's nothing wrong with being a nerd, though.

Some of your most famous, richest people are nerds.

Bill Gates, nerd.

Bill Clinton just wrote a book

about being a nerd.

Wynton Marsalis just wrote about how he loved classical music

and was crazy about Beethoven.

Who's Wynton Marsalis?

The point I'm trying to make, son, is,

the race is not always won by the swift, but by the strong.

Bill Gates, Bill Clinton, Wynton Marsalis

and Jordon Thompkins, my man.

Uncle Bernie. Hmm?

Were you a nerd, too? Hell, no. All man.

Came out circumcised.

(exhales) Tell me.

But you know what? I'll take one nerd and ten fools any day

than go to a Halloween party without a costume.

I know. That's crazy, isn't it?

What the hell they smoking? I don't know.

BRYANA: Uncle Bernie!

Hey, I gotta take your sister trick-or-treating.

Come on, go with us. Okay, sure.

Yeah. Hey, are you ready?

Come on. Let's go this way.

Cool costume.

Yeah, I got it downtown.

I saw an old lady throwing it in a Dumpster.

♪ What your life can truly be ♪

♪ Shining star for you to see ♪

♪ What your life can truly be ♪

(whistling "Turkey In The Straw")

MAN: All right, good. here we go.

(laughter)

(women speaking off-camera)

Ha-ha. (laughs)

Captioned by Visual Data