Original subtitles

(theme music playing)

But it's mine! I should be able to do whatever I want with it.

That's where you're wrong. Everything in this doggone house is mine.

And you're not getting your belly button pierced, and that's final.

Now you say something. Go ahead, so I can ground you.

Make me sick.

That's a week.

You want some more?

Say something. Suck your teeth.

Anything.

(door shuts)

Messing with a man, Ness.

America, I'm at war in my own house.

Why?

Because I'm cursed.

With a teenager, that's why.

I can't take it anymore.

She's wearing me out,

defenses getting jumpy.

(doorbell rings)

What's that?

Incoming! Incoming!

(doorbell rings) Oh. that's the doorbell.

See? I'm gone cwazy.

(quiet panting)

As you were, America.

As you were.

(music playing)

(panting)

(grunting)

(knock at door)

Beat you to it. (laughs)

Hey! Sha-Wanda-Wanda.

Bernie. Hey.

Hi! I got a surprise for y'all.

Okay.

Monroe. (hoots)

Howdy.

Well, look at you. (laughing) You got a man!

A fiance!

Bling bling-a-ding!

(screaming) Ooh! Ooh!

(laughter)

Oh, congratulations! Hey.

Let me see! Yeah.

(women screaming and laughing)

(mutters) Oh... Oh!

(laughs) Hey. Oh!

Ooh. (laughter)

Oh. Oh, no, no, no.

Hey!

Oh, wow. Okay.

Freaky deek... Oh.

Mmm. Oh, that's so nice.

Get your bags, come on.

Oh. Hey. Let me see.

(laughter) WANDA: Oh, he's cute.

Yeah, you can put 'em right up in...

There you go. Oh.

(laughs) Yeah.

(Monroe laughing)

MONROE: Oh, we only met, what, uh...

BOTH: Three months ago.

Mm-hm, but the moment I laid eyes

on my sweet peach cobbler...

(laughing) ...I knew.

(chuckling)

MONROE: Mmm.

BENITA: There's my little man, Jordan.

Jordan, I want you to meet Monroe, my fiance!

MONROE: Ooh, I like that. (laughter)

Say hello to your uncle-to-be.

Hi. Aren't you gonna feel my muscle?

Ooh... Whoo!

MONROE: Oh... yeah. Ow!

Nita-Bita, why didn't you tell me Superman was your nephew?

(laughs) ♪ Sup... Superman ♪

(laughs) Yeah.

BOTH: Mmm...

BENITA: Isn't he something? Oh!

I just had to let y'all meet him

before we rolled up to Vegas to tie the knot.

(both laughing) Vegas?

You guys are getting married in Vegas?

Oh, it don't matter where we get married,

just as long as I get to spend the rest of my natural born days

with my sweet... chocolate,

caramel-covered, nougat-filled honeysuckle.

Oh, he's so romantic! (laughing)

WANDA: Y'all can't get married in Vegas. That's out of the question.

Why don't you guys get married right here? Isn't that a good idea?

[both kissing]

Yeah, that's a great idea.

Matter of fact, we could have it right in the back yard.

Ooh! Yes.

Fix it up real nice, I mean, real nice.

Yes, I'll get a minister, order some flowers,

I'll help you plan the whole thing.

Mm. Oh, you hear that, baby?

We're gonna have a real live wedding.

(laughs)

BOTH: Woo, woo, woo. (laughter)

My baby sister's getting married.

("Wedding March" playing)

Seems like yesterday I was wiping her nose,

fixing her a choke sandwich.

That's a peanut butter on white.

You know, choke you in your throat.

I was taking her little hand, walking her across the street.

And now I'm getting a chance to walk her down the aisle.

(knock on door)

Rise and shine! (groaning) What time is it?

Time to get up. We have got a wedding to plan.

First things first. We gonna get you a wedding gown.

Uh-uh, I got a dress.

It's hanging up over there.

Ooh!

Mm. I'm gonna be so sexy.

(laughs sleepily)

Let's go for traditional.

(groans)

Our treat.

I'll be ready in five minutes.

Coffee's on.

Give it to me! No, you can't have it!

Give... No, I'm gonna cut off your hand.

I know that's not my bridesmaid over there moping.

Me? Who else?

(both yelling indistinctly) Come on, girl.

Sha-Wanda is taking me dress shopping.

I'll just tell her that my bridesmaid needs a dress, too.

Hmm. Then, girl, we can get you something that's fly.

That way, you can wear it again.

But Bigfoot grounded me.

But nobody is grounded when Auntie Benita is getting hitched, okay?

Don't look at me like that. Ain't nobody scared of Bernard.

Get your butt up. Come on.

Ow!

I want to be in the wedding.

(gasps) I have the most important job of all for you.

You can be my flower girl. (gasps)

Yes! I'll be the best flower girl you ever had.

Okay.

Jordan,

if you're not too big, I was hoping

that you would be my ring bearer.

Oh, I just know once you get to know Monroe,

you are really gonna like him.

Mm.

(sighs)

(sighs)

Go. (Monroe humming)

I hate him. Hey, watch your mouth.

(humming)

Why do you, uh, hum all the time?

Oh, well, uh, I'm working out a song

to sing to Benita at the wedding. Oh.

See, I only work at Stereo City on the side.

My true calling's a singer/songwriter.

♪ I... ♪

(muffled chortling)

♪ Need a Benita ♪

♪ 'Cause she's sweeta ♪

♪ Than any girl I've ever know-oh-oh... ♪

♪ Know... Know-oh-oh ♪

(changes key) ♪ Know-oh-oh ♪

(sings off-key) ♪ Know-oh-oh... ♪

(clears throat)

I-I'll get it. Yeah.

Wedding day... that'll be there.

(humming)

(singing operatically)

(singing creaky high notes)

WANDA: Honey, tomorrow I'm gonna need you

to plant some flowers in the back...

Why'd you get a new tux?

Bernie Mac don't rent.

Honey, you have a closet full of tuxedos.

I wore those.

Can't walk my sister down the aisle with a tux I already wore.

Oh. Oh, you slick. (chuckles)

(doorbell rings)

Uh-huh. Don't forget, the flowers in the back.

Okay.

(sighs)

(humming "The Wedding March")

WANDA: Bernie!

Nice meeting you, too. Yeah.

C. Mac!

Hey, B. Mac! B. Mac. (laughter)

What's up, baby? Hey.

You look great, man. You, too, you know.

Is this a shotgun wedding?

Should we bring our shotguns? You know... Clack-clack!

Do we need to bring our shotguns?

(laughs) He's still crazy. He crazy.

WANDA: Well, I wanted to surprise you.

I invited your whole family!

That's sweet of you, baby.

Oh, Sha-Wanda, thank you.

Carl, I'm so glad you're here.

Hmm. Ooh, ooh, ooh! Can you give me away?

You want me...? She want me to give her away.

I'd be honored, baby. That's my baby, yeah.

MONROE: Whoo! (laughter)

I had to come second to Carl my whole life.

Wore his hand-me-downs, sat in the back seat

while he rode in the front with Big Momma.

"Let your big brother have the big piece of chicken."

Why? I'm hungry, too!

"It'd be my honor."

It was my honor, until he stole it from me.

And who told Wanda to invite my whole entire family?

She needs to mind her business.

Some country-fried bull.

BENITA: All big and cute!

You want to be your Auntie Benita's flower girl?

But I'm your flower girl.

Uh-oh. Now I got two.

Benita McCullough getting married. Ain't that something?

Thank the Lord, thank the Lord.

Girl, I was starting to think you liked women.

Or working on it. (laughter)

No, no, no, no, no, I like men. I like employed men.

What?! Whoo-ooh.

Uh-uh, uh-uh. Uh-uh, David got a job, okay?

He was ordained this summer. My man is a minister.

Praise God. Oh, David ain't no preacher.

Now, Creflo A. Dollar-- that's a preacher.

(laughs) That man's a peach.

Give me that.

Give it here, let it go, boy.

Ooh, look, look, look, look, look.

Did you hear that David is a minister?

Now he can do my wedding.

Uh, after I check those credentials.

Let me see. I think I'll do a pork roast

and maybe some string beans and ham hocks.

And maybe we'll start out with some pickled pig feet.

Yeah. (laughter)

Honey, when a McCullough get married, the pigs better run.

You crazy. WANDA: Well, the pig is safe this time,

'cause I'm catering the wedding.

Wanda, sweetie? Mm-hmm?

I cook at all the Mac weddings.

Oh. Well, see, now you don't have to this time

because I got it covered.

Enjoy yourself.

Bernie, will you please tell your wife that I always cook.

Auntie always cook...

I guess pigs' feet ain't good enough

for those of us who have moved to Hollywood.

(overlapping chatter) Oh, hey, that was below the belt.

She didn't say nothing like that.

I know you didn't say... I didn't hear you say... Bernie... (clears throat)

Tell your aunt Hollywood has nothing to do with it.

(stammers) You know what?

We're not having any pigs' feet,

and I am not letting her ruin my wedding.

(shocked murmuring)

Oh, hey, I ain't marrying her. This is my wedding.

I ain't marrying you. This ain't your wedding.

Everybody know you didn't have a wedding

'cause Bernie was scared of your crazy daddy.

First of all, I'm not scared of Wanda's daddy.

Wanda and I decided to go to the courthouse

after he threatened to do bodily harm to me

if I married his daughter.

He was strapped at the time.

I was merely being prudent.

All y'all would've done the same.

Say, uh...

what's your, uh, what's your cousin's name again,

the one in the rolling chair?

Lou.

But everyone calls him "Crippled Lou."

Oh.

(whistles) Hey!

Crippled Lou.

What'd you say?

Uh, Crippled Lou.

I will knock you flat.

Don't let these gimpy legs fool you.

(snickering)

Bernie made that boy walk home barefoot in the Chicago snow.

See he's hard, but his heart is in the right place.

He's just looking out for you.

I know, but when Mom was sick and he was on the road,

I liked it when you looked after us.

We did have fun, didn't we, girl?

Well, look, I tell you this.

If things get too bad around here,

you can always come and stay with your Auntie Benita and her husband.

Ooh, I like the way that sounds.

You mean it? Mm-hmm.

"My husband."

It's got a ring to it. Huh.

Thanks. Oh, girl.

(long sigh)

LOU: What's that, funny? That's a joke? MONROE: No. No, hey, Lou.

Back it up. Back it on up. Lou! Lou, that...

(snickering) I hate that Monroe.

(both yelling) (grunts)

(snickering)

Nita! Nita, come get this fool! Bernie!

(Benita laughing)

Now look here, this is big B you're talking to, baby.

The only thing I'm concerned about-- are you happy?

Yes. I love him.

No, I do, Bernard.

I mean, I know he's no Ray Parker Junior,

but I love him.

He... he makes me laugh, and... I don't know, I...

I was really tired of being by myself.

Damn.

And the brother's singing to you and all that.

That's one singing mug.

(laughs) He be hittin' them high notes.

BOTH (high-pitched): ♪ High... ♪

(laughing) Look at this thing here.

This thing eviler than an ol' bobcat.

She's gonna put me in an early grave.

Bernard, she's a teenager.

You know how that was. I talked to the girl.

She's gonna be all right. You don't be here.

She gonna be all right. I'm serious.

(grumbles)

I polished the silverware, Uncle Bernie.

It's behind the bar.

Good night.

Good night.

Mm-hmm.

Did you just hear what I thought I heard

or is this juice playing tricks on me?

(laughing) Huh? What you laughing at?

BOTH (high-pitched): ♪ High... ♪

(indistinct chatter)

(chamber music playing)

Okay, my little beauties.

Smile, drop. Smile, drop.

Not too many, and not too few, okay?

Smile, drop. Ooh!

Oh, I see you got your Bible. Oh, yeah.

Now you know what you're supposed to read, right?

Uh, right, right.

Lou... no puff-puff-pass.

Wanda, come on, now.

You know I'm 12-steppin'. Mm-hmm.

I'm cleaner than the Virgin Mary.

Okay. (both chuckling)

(music playing)

(both spitting)

(frustrated growl) Hey, son, what's wrong?

I don't want her to marry him.

Look, here, man, you ain't happy for your Aunt Benita?

You want her to end up like cat lady up the street, all alone?

No. Cat lady smells funny.

(chuckles) That's the smell of loneliness, son.

We always don't get what we want,

but when you love somebody, you gotta suck it up.

That's what real men do. Ow!

(chuckles)

LOU: Man, Bernie, that was beautiful.

Kind of reminds me when we used to have our heart-to-hearts.

How you gonna smoke in one hand, got the good book in the other?

Bernie, herb is the Lord's creation.

It says here in "Cypress Hill I" and "Ricky Williams II."

Give me that. Hey, whoa, Bernie, whoa, whoa.

Give it here. There's a party out here.

That's what's wrong with you-- it's messed up your mind. trying to fight me.

Give it here, boy. Hey, you wanna swing, Mr. 3000?

You want some of this, huh? Hey, man, what...?!

(soft music playing)

I don't even know how to thank you.

I mean, this is the best day of my life

and it's all because of you.

I love you, Mac.

I love you, too.

Okay, I'm about to start crying.

(sighs)

Don't make me start crying.

(whispers) Why don't we have Bernie walk you down...?

(people chattering quietly)

(quiet gasps)

(sighs)

Crybaby. ("Wedding March" playing)

He can call me names, I don't care.

Sticks and stones, baby.

I'm walking my sister down the aisle.

He reminded Benita she got two big brothers.

You doggone right.

What I look like, chopped liver?

Huh. Now what he did there,

that was all right.

I got a big brother, too, America.

(quietly) Okay...

Dearly Beloved,

we are gathered here today in the sight of God,

in the presence of all these witnesses.

Can I get a witness?

Man with the nose ring, sir with the hat,

a little witnessing? Helping?

Can somebody say "Amen"?

Amen, baby. Preach!

You do what you do, Rev, 'cause I feel the spirit up in here today.

Uh-huh. Shore 'nough, Shore 'nough.

Yeah.

So where was I? Uh, hmm?

MONROE: Well, yeah, why don't you... yeah, Ezekiel.

Go ahead. Right there.

Okay. That's all right.

"Chapter 30."

I can barely read it.

Now, Wanda gave me this old thing from Corinthians.

Ain't nothing wrong with that, but I thought I'd try something a little different.

A little fresher.

I think Trick Daddy said it best.

"Whoop, whoop.

Pull over, that ass is too fat."

(people gasping) (cameras clicking)

"Love is patient, love is kind

It does not envy

It does not boast

It is not proud it is not rude."

♪ No one knows how to treat her ♪

(spits)

♪ My pow, my wow, my senorita ♪

♪ Benita, Benita ♪

(high-pitched) ♪ Benita... ♪

(stifled laughter)

This some bull...

What the hell was that sound?

(sniffling) What's wrong with you?

It's a nice song. Yeah.

(up-tempo music playing) LOU: And so Michael says to Tito,

"I guess that makes you the monkey's uncle."

(laughter)

Hey, Bern. Hey, baby.

I understand it's etiquette to tip the officiant-- that's me--

for performing the service.

What you talking about? I tipped you $500 two years ago

for your macrame business. You remember that?

Huh?

(breathing deeply) (whimpers)

Is that punch? I like punch.

It's cake's best friend.

(snickers) Something wrong... Something wrong with him.

You know.

(slow ballad playing)

Hey, handsome.

Can I have this dance?

You having a good time?

It's okay.

Now you know you my favorite nephew, right?

Yes, you do.

And Auntie Benita's always going to have

a special place for you right in my heart.

Can't nobody change that.

Come on.

♪ What a difference ♪

(up-tempo music playing)

♪ Yeah... ♪

♪ This is for y'all, remix ♪

♪ Said I know ♪

♪ That it's somebody's birthday tonight ♪

♪ Somewhere... ♪

Girl, you get the urge to plan something else,

my birthday's in February.

(laughs) I got it on the calendar.

I know you know.

Oh... Thank you.

You're welcome.

You take care of my little sister, you hear me now?

Thank you. You got it.

I will, sir.

(all laughing happily)

That's my husband. It is.

(all chuckling)

Where the hell you going?

With Aunt Benita.

She said I could stay with her.

Girl, stop playing.

You know I got Monroe to go with.

(laughing)

Uh-oh. Wh...? Vanessa, I'm sorry.

I didn't know you meant now.

I didn't know she meant now.

Man, I got... I know, I know.

No worries. Okay, brother.

Okay.

Y'all got a plane to catch.

Go on. We got this.

Whoo! Go on. Giddyup. (shrieks)

Call when you get there.

Oh, we will.

(down-tempo music playing) (knocks on door)

Go away. (car starts)

I will. Let me just say...

Please, don't say anything.

Just leave me alone.

♪ When the road gets dark... ♪

Nessa...

She promised I could go with her.

Nobody ever keeps their promises.

♪ Let my love throw a spark ♪

♪ And have a little faith in me ♪

♪ And when the tears you cry... ♪

Okay.

MAN: Cut! (crew cheering)

Captioned by Visual Data