Original subtitles

(theme music playing)

The one thing I've learned as a parent

is you've got to carve out your own time and your own space,

just so nobody won't get killed.

America, you know I've spent the last three years

wrestling with those doggone kids,

establishing control in my house, and finally,

and I do mean finally,

I got things the way I want them.

Look at this.

Bath rocks.

You run you some hot water in the bath,

hot as you can take it,

and then you pour these rocks in

and they make your ass smell springtime fresh.

A little salt around the rim of the tub

make you feel like a lime in a warm margarita.

(gasps)

(music playing)

(doll squeaks) Baby Girl, no! Go back to your room!

Go back!

(whimpers) (door closes)

(music playing)

You yelled at her.

She had no business looking at my business!

Okay, honey, you're right.

But you know what? Let's think about Bryana for a second here, okay?

Okay. I think you should check on her.

Just let her know you're not mad at her.

Yeah, you're right.

All right, honey. Get dressed, though.

VANESSA: Get out of here!

But I need to update my blog.

I don't care.

Hey, hey! Let the boy update his blog.

You don't even know what a blog is.

Wh-- Hey, hey, hey, hey.

Don't be walking away from me up in my house.

Go on, go on. Go on back in there.

The Taliban have it right.

Cover up the whole face and all those things.

What do you call them?

Um, uh, burkas. Yeah.

At least for teenage girls.

Hey, Jordan, Jordan.

Let me talk to Baby Girl alone for a minute.

But I need to change into my pajamas.

Sleep in your clothes. Aw, but it's my room, too.

You're going to be sleeping in a coffin if you don't stop it.

(groans) I'll hit you in your jowl.

Um, Baby Girl?

Hi, baby.

Hi.

(squeaks) Damn, li'l piggy.

I'm sorry about that.

Listen, um... (clears throat)

Baby Girl, uh, you remember what happened earlier

in the bathroom? When you yelled at me?

No, before that.

Oh, you mean when I saw you naked?

Huh?! Wha, what, Wanda?

I can't hear you.

I'm talking to Baby Girl right now about knocking!

Baby Girl, next time, just don't barge in.

Knock next time, okay?

(Piggy squeals, squeaks)

Wanda?!

Program? Thank you.

One for you?

I don't know. (both chuckle)

Actually, some of these kids are so talented.

And some of them aren't. Okay, be nice.

WANDA: Look, isn't that sweet? A little girl hugging her mom.

BERNIE: That one is eating pizza with his dad.

Yeah. Where's Baby Girl's?

(music playing)

Baby Girl made my privacy public!

It's a good thing she wasn't working with clay.

Look at this!

She can't even see.

This is Jordan!

If it was mine, America...

(chattering) (clears throat)

Popsicle sticks birdhouse over there. Real nice.

Chop, chop... Hey, hey, hey...

MAN: Come on, sweetie.

10:00, 10:00...

Huh, what? Nothing. Is there a problem?

Yeah, no.

Oh, Mr. Mac, please.

Nothing to be ashamed of.

The human body is a beautiful thing.

(giggles)

She just look at...

I didn't say it wasn't a beautiful thing,

I'm just saying it's not for everybody to look at.

Trust me, America. It's beautiful.

Well, we don't always agree

with what they say at Wellington.

And this is not the sort of thing

that we do for show and tell.

So ding-dings are bad?

Ding-dings? Whoa, whoa.

As far as you concerned, ding-dings don't exist.

Yeah, they do. I see Jordan's all the time.

What?!

Jordan changes his clothes every day.

Baby Girl seen two too many privacy

for a nine-year-old girl.

Hell, she might as well be handing out towels

to the high school wrestling team.

And that's a little bit too big for me.

It's a matter of privacy, America.

And this won't stand.

What are you doing in my room?

Correction. Yours and Baby Girl's room.

Oh, no way. I am not living with a baby.

Okay.

Do you like Angelina Ballerina over here or over there?

Get that out of here.

You put it wherever you want, Baby Girl.

It's your room, too.

But this has been my room for three years.

It's the last piece of sanity I have in this stupid house

and you can't take that away.

It used to be my house for nine years,

but you took it away from me. Didn't you?

(funky music playing)

Now that my room is so big,

I'm ready to add a 40-gallon fish tank.

No, 60-gallon.

Then I can have a baby shark.

(chuckles) Why are you even in here?

(satisfied sigh)

Well, that's what's good about having your own room.

You can come and go as you please.

It's pretty sweet making your own schedule.

Get out!

(whimpers)

Fine. Fine. I'll go.

To my own room, where I can be alone.

(snickers)

♪ Have fun with the baby ♪

Do you really hate having me in here?

No, it's not your fault, all right?

You and Jordan are growing up and you need your separate rooms.

I just need a separate house.

My own private galaxy.

(wind whistling)

(sinister laughter, cackling)

(eerie music playing)

(snoring)

Okay, rise and shine.

Jordan! What the heck is wrong with you?

What you doing on this doggone floor?

What you doing in here? And where's Nessa?

Um, in my room?

Yeah, yeah. She kicked me out.

Nessa!

Nessa?

What you doing kicking Jordan out of his own room?

What are you talking about?

You have your room. That's where you sleep, get it?

Ugh, I can't deal. You know, you always do that.

You're always so quick to jump on me

and I'm not even the one who did anything.

There's other people in this house, you know.

You don't even know the whole story.

Did you even bother to ask me? No, you didn't.

So how can you come at me like that,

you don't even know what happened, now do you?

(funky music playing)

(grumbles)

Why don't we add on a bedroom for Bryana?

No, no. I'm not tearing up my house

so Queen Vanessa can have another room.

No.

Okay, well, then why don't we just

live with the current situation?

I'm sure it's only going to get easier.

Then let it get easier.

NESSA: Oh, get out!

I'm trying to do my hair.

BRYANA: You have butt hair. You get out!

Instead of tearing up your house,

I think you should probably give up your den.

Give up my den?!

Well, I gave up my office for Vanessa's room.

I'm not giving up my den.

That's my cave, America!

You don't mess with a man's cave!

That's sacred ground.

Besides, she already got an office

when she goes to the office.

And I'm not gonna lose mine.

Man, women want every damn thing!

Every damn thing, man!

You can't have nothing.

Give them this, they want that.

Give them a little this, they want that.

"Go and get you some of that."

"I need a little more."

Man, these women... boy...

MAN: Okay.

We're looking to add a bedroom for our niece.

Yeah, nothing big. Maybe five by eight, no windows, and bars...

Yeah, bars would be great.

Well, that's easy, we'll get three-quarter-inch rebar...

Excuse me. He's joking.

(laughing) Right.

Right, I forgot-- the King of Comedy.

That's a funny tape. Thank you.

Well, just four walls and a roof, maybe.

Bernie!

Let me show you something.

You know, when it comes to construction,

there's three things that people want.

They want it good, fast and cheap.

The problem is, you can only have two.

So if you want it good and fast,

it ain't going to be cheap.

Cheap and good? It won't be fast. Oh.

Cheap and fast? Guess what?

It won't be any good. See where I'm going with that?

Yeah, yeah.

I see.

I see I'm getting screwed from all sizes.

I tell you what.

This guy can stick that triangle up his circle.

You got any more shapes?

Nope, just the triangle.

Then we'll take fast and good.

H-h-hold on. But if it's not cheap, what is it?

Fifty thousand.

$50,000, because I forgot to lock the bathroom door?!

Do you feel my pain, America?

I know you do.

I better get myself a party pack of Rolaids.

Maybe they can sponsor the show or something.

Help out!

(hammer pounding, power saw grinding)

America, I got three more weeks of this bull.

My beautiful house was in perfect shape.

Now it's having open-heart surgery,

all thanks to these doggone kids.

But God willing, if I can survive this,

I'll have peace again.

(men chattering)

WANDA: Bernie, honey, come here!

(hammering, chattering continue)

MAN: Say three feet back, you can fit a whole new wardrobe.

Yo, baby, what's up?

Hey, man, what you doing with my wife clothes?

Honey, we're just redoing the closet.

I thought we were just going to do Baby Girl's room?

Well, honey, since they're here,

we might as well redo the closets, too, right?

Oh, Wanda!

MAN: Well, listen, I'm no marriage counselor,

but if the lady wants to redo the closets,

you let her redo the closets. (laughs)

You hear that?

No, honey, I don't hear anything.

Exactly. I don't like the sound of no sound.

Good to meet you.

But wait!

What's behind your ear?

A finishing nail.

(laughing)

Jordan, what the heck going on in here?

I don't know. Magic?

(men laugh, applaud) Excuse me.

That's enough, I said. And leave these guys alone.

You all get back to work.

(laughter) You heard the customer.

Come on, back to work.

Let's go, let's go. Gotta stay on schedule.

On schedule.

If their schedule is showing up late,

leaving early, and watching magic shows,

then yeah, they're right on schedule.

America, they've been stringing me along.

(music playing)

(The Temptations: "Shakey Ground" playing)

(fan grinding) Damn.

Damn...!

♪ Standin' on shaky ground ♪

♪ Standin'... ♪

(saw grinding loudly)

♪ Standin' ♪

♪ Standin' ♪

♪ Standin' ♪

♪ Standin' ♪

♪ On shakey ground ♪

(woman talking indistinctly)

(rattling doorknob) Baby Girl, that you in there?

MAN: No, it's Bill.

Bill?!

It's probably going to be awhile, too.

All right.

(TV jingle playing)

ANNOUNCER: It's the ultimate workout.

See how she pushes with all her might?

Feel that? Do you feel it? Yeah.

Good... Good. You're doing a great job.

And now, with the thighs.

Hey, I was watching that.

Why aren't you in your room?

It's too dusty back there. I couldn't sleep.

Hey, Aunt Wanda, you want to play a game? Old Maid? War, maybe?

Uh, how about a game called "I'm gonna tell your uncle you're not in your room"?

Never mind. Hey, catch.

Ow!

(Stevie Wonder: "Nothing's Too Good For My Baby" playing)

♪ Hey, nothing's too good for my baby ♪

♪ Nothing's too good for my girl ♪

♪ Nothing's too good for my baby ♪

♪ Oh, no ♪

♪ My girl ♪

♪ I'm the luckiest guy in the world ♪

♪ 'Cause I've got one pearl of a girl ♪

♪ That's what my money goes to buy her ♪

♪ Some of the things her little heart desire... ♪

(chuckles)

It's over.

Thank you, God.

I've got to use the bathroom!

No, I'm gonna use every bathroom.

Thank you, Lord.

All right, everybody. Bed time, let's go!

Everybody is sleeping in their own bed tonight!

How that make you feel? That make you happy, baby?

Why should I be happy?

I'm exactly where I was a month ago

and they got new rooms.

Oh, so I guess I owe you something, huh, Nessa?

How about some chocolate on top of your pillow?

Better yet, would you love some room service, Nessa?

We had a good run, didn't we? Yep, we sure did.

BERNIE: All right, that's enough.

Everybody, let's go to bed.

Let's go!

Finally, America.

Finally!

Everybody is in their place.

My money is in another place, but that's a different story.

But finally!

(heavy sigh)

(funky music playing)

Jordan! Does this smell sour to you?

It smells like a beatin'. Why aren't you in bed?

I was just trying to help you and Aunt Wanda clean out the refrigerator.

We don't need no help.

Now close the refrigerator and go to sleep.

You're talkin' a lot of mess.

That deserves some ice cream. (knocking)

Jordan, where the hell do you think you're going?

(sleepily) I don't want to be late for my math class.

Jordan!

Oh, hey, Byron.

Did you do your homework?

Ow!

Hey, I must have been sleepwalking.

You better sleepwalk back up in there

before this belt starts sleepwalking on you.

You think I'm playing with you?

Wait, come on, now. Everything's okay.

Just go on back to your room.

BERNIE: Sweetheart, I just don't get it.

What more do I have to do?

You know, this is a little different situation.

You know, he's always used to sleeping with at least one sister.

Mm.

Night.

Yeah.

Man, this is a nice-looking room, don't you think?

Yeah, it's okay, I guess.

Yeah.

I know what you mean.

It's missing something.

What? Your stink.

You've got to make it your own. Mark your territory.

Come on, son. I'll show you what I'm talking about. Come on.

♪ Make it funky! Make it funky! ♪

♪ Huh! ♪ ♪ Make it funky! ♪

♪ I got to... ♪ ♪ Make it funky! ♪

♪ Make it funky! Make it funky! ♪

♪ Tell me it isn't ♪ ♪ Make it funky! ♪

♪ You know it is! ♪ ♪ Make it funky! ♪

♪ Got to do it, now ♪ ♪ Make it funky! ♪

♪ Got to do it, now ♪ ♪ Make it funky! ♪

♪ Got to do it, now ♪ ♪ Make it funky! ♪

♪ Oh, yes! ♪ ♪ Make it funky... ♪

There you go, son. All you.

Yep, the Two Masters and Fangey.

I didn't put them up because Bryana was scared of them.

Can you imagine that? Yep.

Hey, I know you ain't used to sleeping by yourself, having your own room.

That's a sign of growing up.

Really? Yeah.

You're going to spend the rest of your life getting used to things changing.

But how you choose to embrace those changes,

that's what makes life a little bit more fun.

Yeah. I was thinking about changing this room.

Maybe put a couple shelves on the wall.

Uh-uh, partner. No nails in the wall.

I know this is your room, but these are my walls and my floor.

Now come on, big man. Let's get some sleep.

Okay.

(upbeat music blaring)

I know she ain't playing that music that doggone loud.

Ness...

Hey, Baby Girl, you ready for school?

Uncle Bernie, I'm not a baby!

I'm a big girl now.

You sure are.

You have to knock before you enter!

I'm sorry.

Hey, Big Girl, can I still get a hug?

Okay.

Excuse me.

You done lost your rabbit...

No more "Baby Girl"?

America, things are really changing in the Mac house. That's for doggone sure.

Well, look, Bryana got her own room, Nessa got her own room,

Jordan slept through the night, though I had to convince him

that a vacuum cleaner wasn't no monster.

But the terrible thing is, I can see this ain't over.

Not by a long shot.

What's next, America?

Talk to me. We tight. What's next?

NESSA: Uncle Bernie! I need a car!

(giggling) Mr. Mac. Please.

It's nothing to be embarrassed about.

The human body is a beautiful thing.

(snickers)

Did she just...?

Come on, look alive. Get it out.

Move, man. Move, move, move.

Get me a bobby pin...

(laughter)

Captioned by Visual Data