Original subtitles

(theme music playing)

Hey, baby. I'm getting ready to run to Hunan Chan's.

You want something special? Ooh, Hunan Chan's...

Mm-hmm! Oh, but the kids want Royal Burgers.

Oh, people in hell want ice water.

Don't be like that.

America, you listening to this?

The kids want! See, sometimes Wanda forgets

who's in the driver's seat around here.

Women do that. But as far as I'm concerned,

they're going to want what I give 'em.

You all need to understand your place.

Hey, sweetheart. Look.

Roberta's mama's got some work done. She looks young.

That's not Roberta's ma. That's Roberta.

No! Driving?

What's she doing letting her drive? She must be crazy!

Roberta has her learner's permit.

Hmm.

When'd she get it? Today?

Yeah! All right. Hunan Chan's?!

We hate Chan's! No, you don't. You love it.

Now, shut up, sit down, and let's eat.

Why do we always get the stuff you like?

Because it's my house and my rules.

And rule number one is shut up, sit down, and let's eat.

Ew! Those noodles smell like Uncle Bernie's feet.

Well, look, don't worry, 'cause when I get my learner's permit,

I'll get the stuff we like.

"When"? Nessa, I'll decide if you get your learner's permit, okay?

But I'm already taking driver's ed.

So, actually, Mr. Henderson decides.

If Mr. Henderson's teaching Roberta how to drive,

I'm officially taking you out of that class as of right now.

Now, shut up, sit down, and let's eat.

Pass me the dumplings and the chopsticks.

Thank you.

I don't care if she pouts. Let her go ahead.

She needs to know who's in charge around here.

Especially when they get to be teenagers.

That's when you've got to knock them down a couple times.

Get to be too snotty for me.

But I'm going to tell you something.

Bernie Mac knows what he's doing.

I'm the man.

See, they want to wear the slacks, you know?

They want to have the belt and everything, you know.

Huh! And boy... world coming to an end.

Well, you know she just needs 50 hours of driving practice.

I think it's exciting, getting your learner's permit.

It's a rite of passage.

Rite of passage?

Mm-hmm.

What?

It's a rite to pay more car insurance.

Pay for more parking tickets,

get more dents fixed.

It's a right pain in the ass, that's what it is.

Well, it doesn't have to be like that.

I could teach her.

You know what, America? That is a bad idea.

'Cause when it comes to driving,

my baby, Wanda, isn't exactly a model citizen.

No, it ain't just me saying it, either.

The State of California says it, too.

She's got a lead foot, huh.

Two of 'em!

And this is just last month.

My baby can't drive, y'all. She's hell on wheels.

Now, her and Nessa in the car together,

that's just 50 hours of misinformation.

Take a look. Examine. Take your time.

When you pull up to a red light and look over,

and you see my baby, get the hell out the way.

You know what, sweetheart? I changed my mind.

I'm gonna teach Nessa how to drive.

You will? Yeah.

Baby, you've got a lot on your plate.

Hmm. You've got work. You get home late,

take your time to fix your hair.

Let me ease you of some of your burden.

Okay, let's go tell her.

No, no, no, no. I'll show you how you do it.

Yo, Nessa! What?

Don't "what" me! Come here!

Yelling from room to room like she's in charge.

The next 50 hours, she's going to get her head straight.

We start first thing in the morning.

Okay.

Nessa, It's going to be fun.

Okay.

You're welcome.

Oh, yeah. Sorry. Thanks.

I just figured it out. What's that?

This has nothing to do with my busy schedule.

It doesn't? No.

This is about Daddy wanting to teach the little girl how to drive.

Aw, I think it's sweet. Oh!

(chuckles)

(giggling)

Can't fool you.

Oh, when you gonna learn that?

Uh-uh. Oh...

Huh! You just failed right there.

What? You checked the rearview mirror,

but you didn't check the side mirror.

You got to check the side mirror to see what's going on.

You failed right there.

You know, this is not fun at all.

Nessa, it's not supposed to be fun, this is serious.

Serious as a heart attack, or total paralysis,

or contapitation of a head-on collision.

Okay, I get it!

Well, you need to focus, then!

Focus and quit yapping.

What?!

Phone call.

Oh, by the way, you might want to turn the car on.

Wanda, I'm the teacher here.

Chillax, and let me do my thing, please!

Ow! Watch it, Vanessa!

Boy, you lost your doggone mind,

jumping on top of that car?!

You happy now? You just killed your brother.

You failed your driving exam right there.

Go on in the house, boy, if you got some sense.

...trying to tell you. I hope you plan on studying

for that pop quiz I got for you,

'cause Nessa, if you fail, ooh,

that car ain't gonna be turned on till Christmas.

Little ingrate. I'm out there putting myself in harm's way...

I think you're being a little hard on her.

What do you mean? Why don't I help you out a little bit with this?

I don't need your help. Thank you!

What's that supposed to mean? What?

I know you're not going to stand there

and give me that old women-don't-know-how- to-drive thing, are you?

Okay, then, let me update it.

You can't drive!

I'm a good driver.

(giggling)

That might have been a little too much--

just a little bit.

But it's true.

(humming)

Hey, y'all. Hunan Chan's again?

You're doggone right, boy.

You know we don't waste no food up in this house.

Who's this?

(burping) James.

Cover your mouth, James. (giggling)

Oh, I love spareribs!

You're welcome.

Chan's is the best. Thanks, Mr. Mac.

You're welcome, James.

Come on, son, eat.

Baby, here's some chow mein.

Why? You don't think I could do that, either?

Aw, come on. You still stewing about this morning?

About me teasing you about your driving?

I'm just busting you a little bit, but I was being honest.

Ah, well, since we're just being honest...

Mm-hm... ...the reason why you don't get any tickets

when you get stopped is because you pull that

"I'm Bernie Mac, what's happening, Officer...?"

Aw, no, that ain't true.

"Oh, I'm Bernie Mac. I'm famous."

I do not... "Would you like a picture of me?"

Aw, you need to stop that. You know what?

You're just mad 'cause I'm a better driver than you.

Oh, this has nothing to do with being a better driver.

What? This is about you, my brother,

wanting to be in control. Control of what, Wanda?

You choose when Vanessa drives, who teaches her...

No, I don't. No, I don't.

...what we eat for dinner, where we eat for dinner...

No. ...and what movie we watch after dinner.

Uncle Bernie, James is sick!

Oh, yeah, no kidding! All that food he ate.

I guess it didn't help if you fed him that old Chinese food.

Chinese food don't get old.

That's why it got all that MSG in there. It don't get old.

Well, I think you should take him home.

I'm not taking that boy home.

Forget about it. I'm not doing it.

Okay, well, fine. I'll take him home. Good.

Hey, you know Jordan's friend is out there getting sick.

Yeah. Yeah, we're going to take him home.

Oh, can I drive?

No. Sure. Why not?

Oh, wait, wait, wait, wait. Wait a minute.

How the heck you going to take a sick boy home and watch her drive?

You need to focus on her. No, no, no, no, no.

Okay, you know what? Fine! Do what you want, Bernie.

That's what I'm going to do.

Come on. Come on. (James retching)

Where he at?

(groans) Hold on, son.

We'll have you home in a few minutes.

If you got to heave again, if you got to barf,

open the door and stick your head out.

Don't worry about falling out. The seat-belt'll hold you up.

Okay? (groans)

Oh. You keep your hands ten to two.

Not 1:15, not 12:15, not 11:30.

You keep it ten to two. You know what?

You just failed your doggone driving exam again.

Just failed it again. Stop yelling at me!

I'm not yelling. I'm trying to teach you something.

Well, you're making me nervous! You're making me nervous!

You're going to get us all killed with those hands!

You know what?

You don't want to learn how to drive right, forget it.

I can't take this anymore. You can't...?

You know what? You just failed your driver's test again!

You failed it again.

(siren blaring)

Look at that! You got the law here!

Yeah. You ain't hiding nothing.

You ain't got nothing on you, do you?

Would you look at this, America?

Driving a sick kid home, and I get pulled over by the police.

I don't have to tell you what that means for a black man.

I don't have to tell you.

I'm going down.

License and registration, please.

Uh... all I have is my permit.

Then I'm going to have to see your license, sir.

No problem, Officer. How you doing, man?

Fine, thanks.

Man, it's beautiful out here today, ain't it?

My favorite time of the year.

Yeah. There you go.

The name on there is Bernard McCullough,

but people know me as Bernie Mac.

Yeah!

This says "Officer Appel," but most people know me

as the cop who hides behind that bush.

By the way, your license is expired.

That's some bull, America!

Taking my license!

This is some cruel and unusual punishment.

Now they're going to tow my car home.

How the heck I'm supposed to get home?

They're going to tow my car.

(mutters)

(music playing)

America, there's something really wrong with the system

when Bernie Mac can get into trouble

just by sitting next to a pea-brained girl

who ain't got no doggone good sense.

Now I got to wait till Monday morning

to go to the DMV to get my license back.

(chuckles)

Ready? Yeah.

So, where do you want to go?

Where you all going?

I'm taking Vanessa out for a driving lesson.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Wait, wait, wait, baby.

No, no, no. I'm the teacher. That's my job.

Oh, you know what, honey? I'd love that.

But I think-- and Vanessa, correct me if I'm wrong--

in order to be in a car with a student driver,

you need someone with a valid license.

Yeah, she's-she's right. Oh, look at that.

Well, what am I supposed to do?

Um, stay here and study for your driving test.

Come on. Hey-hey, Wanda? Hey...

Hey, Nessa, ca-can I go? No!

But I got to pick some stuff up from the drugstore.

Like what?

Some... personal male products.

All right, you can come,

but you've got to promise to sit in the back seat

and accept I'm in charge.

Yeah, I promise.

Slow down, Nessa.

Baby, aren't you going to tell her to slow down?

She is.

A good driver know how to slow down real fast.

In order to be a good driver

you got to be able to slow down real fast.

A good driver also doesn't get pulled over.

You are doing fine, Vanessa.

Oh, you call this fine?

No wonder you got a lot of tickets.

At least I have my driver's license.

Don't go there.

The light is green, Vanessa.

When you're ready.

Don't mash on the gas so hard

like you mashing on bugs or something.

You're giving me whiplash back here.

Well, if you sit back in your seat like a normal passenger,

then maybe you wouldn't strain your neck.

All right, fine.

I ain't gonna say another word.

Stop right here. Stop right here.

Go, go, go, go!

Brake, brake, brake!

Watch it! Brake, brake!

Put your blinkers on. Blinkers!

Be careful. Be careful.

Girl, stay in your lane. Stay in your lane!

Look out, look out, look out, look out!

Watch it!

You're... you're killin' me.

Aunt Wanda, I don't want to drive anymore.

I hope you're happy.

Sure is. Got home in one piece. Yep.

You didn't do anything but yell and scream the whole time.

I yelled one time.

I screamed when I thought we was gonna die.

Well, I'm going to teach Vanessa to drive-- alone.

From now on, you are officially banned from the car.

What...? Banned.

She can't ban me.

I'm the one who do all the bannin' around here.

I'm suppose to be the one in charge of this operation.

Y'all heard her when she talking about, "You banned."

I'm buying the car.

All the real men at home, you know that.

You know what's going on. I tear that car up...

See, I'm going to get letters.

Hey, Jerry, man, look, this is Mac.

I ain't going to be able to meet you at The Palm, man.

(indistinct)

I can't get there, they took my license from me.

I ain't got no way to get there.

(indistinct)

How many times I'm gonna tell you?

(indistinct)

I know it's Martin Scorsese.

I'd like to meet him, too, but I can't. I ain't got no way.

(indistinct)

Well, I tell you what, why don't you bring him over here?

(indistinct)

Oh, what you mean he don't want to come to Encino?

(indistinct)

All right, then, all right.

I'll catch a cab. Yeah.

(music playing)

Yo, man, where you been?

(line ringing) Dang.

(indistinct)

Hey, hey, Jerry, I'm on my way.

(indistinct) What?

(indistinct)

What you mean he gone?

Not waiting all day, dawg.

Man, I told you to stall him.

(indistinct)

What you mean how? Give him two desserts.

(indistinct)

Oh, Je...

Go on, man, go on.

Dang!

(cell phone rings)

Hello. Mac.

WOMAN: Bernie, where are you?

Oh, hey, Mama Kim, girl.

I completely forgot about that nail ap...

KIM: You forget?

Hold on, hold on. Yo!

(indistinct) Hey, cabbie!

(indistinct)

Mama Kim, hey, don't worry, I'm on my way. I...

(indistinct)

Hello?

Watch how you talking to me. Mama Kim, wa...

Hello?

Big fella, yo, yo, good, man.

Do me a favor, man. Run over here, man,

and run me down to Mama Kim in Korean Town,

man, so I can get my nails done.

You kiddin' me? What?

Why don't you do that at home?

Why don't I do what?

(indistinct)

Man, you know... How long you been knowing me, man?

You know I don't do my own nails.

Come on, run me over here, man, come on.

(indistinct)

Hello? (dial tone)

Okay, here you go.

Thank you, sir.

Brother, you sure you can't run me down to Korean Town?

Come on, now. Hmm-mm.

Can't do it?

Nah. No way, brother. Thanks.

I'm telling you, baby, my whole day discombobulated.

Sweetheart, I miss my meeting with Martin Scorsese.

What? Yeah, I missed it.

Then I missed my appointment with Mama Kim.

Oh, she was tight.

She cussed me out in Korean.

(babbling)

Oh, she cussed me out, I'm telling you.

It was awful.

What...

Sweetheart, what... hold on, what is this?

This ain't what I ordered. This stuff is all green.

Yeah, it's from Wild Oats Organic.

Wild Oats Organic? Mm-hmm.

What happened to my sweet- and-tangy ribs, Wanda?

My beans, my cornbread, my sweet-and-sour sauce?

What happened to all that?

That's what I'm talking about. Come on.

Oh... honey, you know what, you're right.

Well, why don't you take this back to Wild Oats

and go pick up what you would like.

Cool. No problem.

Oh, there I go again. What?

I just can't remember. You can't drive.

(laughs)

You didn't have go there.

America, what you have just seen is not pretty.

I have completely lost control of this whole situation.

I tell you one thing, though.

The Mac Man needs to get back into the driver's seat. Yeah.

(Stevie Wonder: "I Ain't Gonna Stand for It" playing)

♪ And I ain't gonna stand for it, baby ♪

♪ And I ain't gonna stand for it, baby ♪

♪ And I ain't gonna stand for it, baby ♪

♪ Now ♪ ♪ Now ♪

♪ And I ain't gonna stand for it, baby... ♪

Sit.

Hey, how you doing?

Wrong line.

What?

Wrong line. This is the blue line.

You're the red line. Next.

Wait, wait, wait, man. I was already in the red line.

They told me to come to the blue line.

Now, why would he tell me to come to the blue line?

I don't know, sir.

I am not in charge of your problems.

I'm not either. Next.

Come on, now, I've been standing a long time, man.

I know, I understand, sir.

Can I talk to your supervisor?

The supervisor is around, sir,

but I am helping this customer now.

And so you need to maybe go over to the red line.

Where you from?

I am from the islands.

You should go to the island.

Thank you.

T...

M...

N...

That look like a Q.

And that's either F or a little man waving.

All right. That's money, baby.

(chuckles)

Here you go. Thank you, baby.

Next!

Ho, wait, wait, wait, sister.

This say "failed."

Really? Yeah.

I'm surprised you can read it.

Oh, come on, come on, now. This is important to me.

I got to try and get my license back.

I'm sure you do, but you failed. Next!

Come on, wait, mama, how you going to live?

What I got to do? Anything. What I got to do?

You need change for the bus? Next!

Oh, you real funny. You know, Bozo died years ago.

You know that, don't you? But you look just like him.

See, see, I was going to give you my phone number.

Your vision has definitely gotten worse.

You're gonna need a stronger prescription for your glasses.

Wow. Everything's blurry.

Yeah, that's normal.

The drops cause your pupils to dilate.

Oh, and, you're going to have to wear these.

Right here. What?

Right here, in my hand. Oh.

There you go.

Oh, great.

Now I can't see nothing.

I can't take my driver exam.

I can't drive myself home.

I'm going to have to rely on everybody else.

What's next? Uh, Mr. Mac?

Huh? Mr. Mac, I'm-I'm over here.

Dang, Doc, I'm falling apart.

(sighs)

Am I legally blind?

Well, no...

Huh? You think I need a dog?

Cane?

Shoot. I'm half-blind,

I ain't got no license, I got a hangnail.

Ever since this girl got her learning permit

it's been downhill for me.

Baby, are you even listening to me?

WANDA: Oh, yes. Kind of hard not to.

Hey, baby, ain't nothing going my way today.

I mean, nothing.

♪ And I ain't gonna stand for it, baby ♪

♪ And I ain't gonna stand for it, baby ♪

(shuts off car)

♪ Now ♪ ♪ Now ♪

♪ Now ♪ ♪ Now ♪

Nessa?

She drove us all the way home.

On the freeway?

That's right, and you did great.

And you didn't yell the whole time.

Thanks, Aunt Wanda.

You're welcome. Let me out.

Yeah, okay, but don't get no doggone ideas.

Just because you did it one time

don't mean you gonna do it again.

And, Wanda, you know better.

Next time she drive you ride in the front seat

so you can go first.

Oh, stop your griping and get out.

You may be a better driver,

but I think I'm a better teacher.

Come on, baby, don't start with me. I'm all weak.

Okay, let me give you a hand.

I'll help you, too.

Thank you.

Oh, sorry. Watch your step.

You did that on purpose.

I did not.

Come on, honey, balance, balance.

Watch my step? I can't see.

One of you help me walk to the house.

But you know what, America?

Hey, she did a good job.

She can drive, but she ain't driving my car,

and she ain't getting her own.

You know why? Because I'm in control.

(music playing)

Wanda? I could use some help.

And what's that supposed to mean?

And don't you stand there

acting like whatever-- what is it?

Little ingrate. I'm out there putting myself

in harm's way and everything.

You know what? Maybe you're being--

I think you're being a little hard on her.

I'm out there putting myself in harm's way.

You're being a little hard on her.

Wanda, I'm trying to teach that...

Wanda, I'm trying to teach that girl to ri...

That little ingrate.

(laughter)

(indistinct chatter)

Captioned by Visual Data