Original subtitles

(theme music playing)

Hey, Uncle Bernie, are you going to tell a story about me tonight in your show?

Here's a little story I'm going to tell.

You don't hurry up and get that tie,

my two hands will be the last thing you wear around your neck.

Now give me a reason to tell it, Jordan.

Look, Uncle Bernie. I made this picture for you.

It's for your dressing room.

Baby Girl, thank you.

I'm telling you, it's going with me.

Go ahead, get ready for school.

Thank you, sweetheart.

Hey, little mama.

Okay, so everything is taken care of.

I'm dropping the kids off at school,

Mrs. Pounder is going to pick Bryana up,

Jordan has his play date with Byron

and Vanessa has her slumber party to go to,

so who's got you covered?

You do, baby.

You're going to be there tonight, aren't you?

I wouldn't miss it.

Mm, I'm going to have Jerry

leave you some tickets at the "will call."

Hey, and good luck to you

with Wannabe and the boys, hear me?

Honey, Mr. Watanabe.

Oh, okay.

And thank you. You tell 'em.

You, too, baby.

Kids, the bus is leaving!

Hey, Uncle Bernie, can I get tickets for your show, too?

It's Shannon's birthday and...

No, no. Oh, come on.

It's her Sweet 16 and she really wants to see you.

I don't care how sweet it is,

this show is for mature adults.

Ain't for no little kids, no girls.

But I'm not a little kid. I'll be 16 in five months.

You better be a horse doing math or you better ease up

on stomping your foot around here.

(groans)

America, Nessa picking the fight.

She thinks she can wear me down and get her way,

but I don't have time for no teenage power play.

No, no, not today.

Bernie Mac father has to punch out,

so Bernie Mac entertainer...

can get to work.

This is what I'm talking about.

Listen to me,

I'm not just talking any old hot sauce, okay?

Mr. Mac prefers Blazin' Bayou Sauce

for his pork rinds. Yes, yeah.

Make sure that you put that in his dressing room, okay?

Thank you. What are you doing?

How you feeling, killer? I feel good, man.

It's been a long time since you prowled the stage,

feel the heat of the crowd. Yeah.

You ready? Doggone right I'm ready.

What's up with the beard, man?

Oh, okay, this Russian girl that I'm, you know, we're...

She likes it.

I mean, you know, it itches like hell,

but you know, she... we... she likes it.

Do you like it? It's okay with me.

I thought you were going to ask me for some money.

Ask... well, that's hilarious.

You getting ready for your show, warming up? That's funny stuff.

All right, 2:30 we got the Sophisticated Man magazine interview.

It looks like we're going to have the cover on that.

4:00 sound check, they're just going to make sure

that they don't, you know, mix the bass with the treble.

Yeah, yeah, you got it, baby.

Okay, Bernie, remember this, okay?

We got a film crew who's gonna shadow you through the entire day.

They just want to make sure that they get some

behind the scenes footage of the special.

Wait, wait, wait, wait. What about my time, though, man?

I see my time scheduled on here. I need my doggone time.

Will you please chillax? I'm chillaxed.

Well, just chillax. Would I forget your time?

I didn't say that. Would I forget what the Mac Man needs?

Would I forget to lace Ali's gloves?

Would I forget to give a baseball player

his go-go juice? Okay, okay, okay.

You know it. Right.

Now listen to me. We got Denise scheduled.

Your manicure, pedicure and facial right after the fitting.

And then we got Klaus who's going to be waiting for you,

and he's gonna give you a nice shiatsu right before the show.

Yeah, yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Mm-hmm.

I ain't soft, America. It's how I prepare.

I work from the outside in.

If the audience see a professional,

they hear a professional.

I'm a package deal.

(soul music playing)

What's up, you squares? You ready for show time?

You come on in my house. Hey, baby, how you feel?

All right, you Keisha? Hey, Jerry.

Woo! Snap.

Yeah. How you feel?

What's up, baby? How y'all?

This is where I start. Let's get this party started.

Let's get this started.

(school bell rings)

Pop quiz, are you sure?

Fin saw Sister Kathleen at the Xerox machine.

It's going down. If I flunk another quiz,

my parents will take away my paintball gun.

Oh, what are we gonna do?

(funky music playing)

BOY: Will I go blind, Father?

Ah, science says no, but the Lord can be vengeful.

I'd give it a rest if I were you.

(fire alarm ringing)

ALL (shouting): Fire! Fire!

As if I didn't know it was you, Timothy.

And keep your hands out of the holy water.

All right, hold on. A little snug there, man.

Leave enough room in the barn for the horse.

Mr. Mac. What's up, baby?

Thank you, man.

Boy, that's kind of heavy-- hold that.

This is soft, real nice.

Excellent choice, Mr. Mac. Hold it for me, okay?

Yeah, the Mac Man cometh, baby. Yes, sir.

Hey, Jerry, look.

Ain't nothing going to stop me tonight.

Yeah, you look crack-a-lacking.

It's Wanda. Oh, oh, excuse me, sir.

Hey, baby, what's going on, gorgeous? What's happening?

Honey, problem. Mrs. Pounder can't watch Bryana.

Her daughter just went into labor

and I called all of our backups, no luck.

Oh, baby, I don't like the way this is going.

Um, I could pick her up on lunch, but, honey,

you're gonna have to watch her.

Come on, baby, I can't have no kids here, not tonight.

Man, the whole world is watching.

They're paying $29.99 to see me, babe. Now, come on.

I know, but, honey, you have a dressing room.

I am in a hotel meeting room. As soon as I am done here,

I will get down there and I will take over.

Honey, please, you're gonna have to meet me halfway on this.

I got to go. Love you. Bye.

Wanda, don't go. Don't hang up on me. Wanda, Wanda, come on now.

Hey, man, hey.

My wife, you know, kids-- kid problem.

You know how it is.

America, all I want to do is entertain.

Just do my show.

Can't those kids survive without me for just one day?

Ow!

Stuck again.

(funky music playing)

Look, shrimp!

Not right now, Baby Girl.

I'm going to set you up in the dressing room.

They got everything you need.

Jerry, you didn't say nothing about Baby Girl

being on the schedule today.

No, but even Baby Girl, she ain't getting in my way.

No, sir. Bernie Mac, you gotta stay up.

You gotta stay loose, Mac.

Stay the Mac Man, baby. Yeah.

GIRL: Too young?

I see R-rated movies.

Well, thanks for asking, Vanessa.

I guess we'll just stay home

and make prank phone calls or something.

It's so lame.

It's some bull.

If I'm old enough to baby-sit when Bigfoot wants to go out,

and if I'm old enough to bring him a beer when he's thirsty,

I'm old enough to see his show.

Oh, no. We are going.

Yeah. Yeah.

(up-tempo music playing)

Ooh... oh, yeah.

Yeah, oh, baby.

Sweetheart, don't forget to rub that baby toe.

WOMAN: This one, Mr. Mac? Uh-huh.

(phone ringing)

Oh, man, I'm in ecstasy right now, man. I am not here.

Mac it up.

Uh, no, he's not here right now.

(indistinct)

Uh, actually, he just walked in.

Hold on one second.

It's Father Cronin. Remind me to fire you later.

Yeah, sure. Hello, this is Mac.

CRONIN: Mr. Mac. Yeah.

There's been a fire--

What, a fire? Relax, Mr. Mac.

You're gonna crack your face.

What?

(indistinct)

Was anybody burnt?

(indistinct)

Oh, a fire alarm.

Well, why you need me to come dow--?

(indistinct)

Okay, Father.

He's one of the Felonious Four, Mr. Mac.

They're all being sent home.

Look, Father, I'm in agreeance with you,

but I only have three hours before showtime, okay?

Mr. Mac, where there is crime there is punishment.

And where there is punishment there is me.

Father, we're on the same page. I'll tell you what.

How 'bout I beat the living hell out of the boy first thing in the morning?

When it comes to vetting justice, I prefer it swift and to the point.

(claps) True that. Look--

May the blessings be. Absolutely.

Bernie, if I may?

Your Excellency, hi, I'm Jerry Best.

Awesome. I'm Bernie Mac's manager.

Ah, Hollywood type.

I thought I could smell the sin on you.

Oh, no, no, no, no. That's just Aramis.

(chuckles)

Your Holiness, um, this is a really important day for my client.

The boy's gone. Case closed.

You got food, water, toilet.

And I want you to sit there with your sister and be miserable.

And don't even think about the word "fun," you hear me?

(exasperated sigh) All right, you ready, bro,

or do you, uh, need some more time?

'Cause if you need some more time,

whatever you want, it's your day, all right?

Oh, yeah, just so you know, the reporter from Debonair's here right now.

Yeah, right, my day.

And what's it been like working with Brad Pitt?

Brad?

B.P.? Baby, he's a trip.

Really? 'Cause he's so doggone pretty.

All the makeup artists, all the ladies,

just hover over him like a bunch of moths, you know what I mean?

He is pretty. He and Prince. I don't know who's the prettiest.

I have to flip a coin. BRYANA: Give it back!

JORDAN: Make me! Ow!

That's my ear! Stop it! Excuse me.

Shut up! You see what I'm in there trying to do.

Every time I try to do something y'all come up in here and try to mess it up.

I'll use your heads like a bunch of click-clacks,

I'll click them together-- now shut up.

Ooh, excuse me. You know, kids.

I have to play with them sometimes, you know?

So let's talk pre-show.

How do you get into that whole vibe?

How do I prepare? (kids shouting)

I'll tell you how I prepare. I, you know, uh...

What was it again? Your pre-show vibe.

What do you do to prepare for that?

(kids arguing) I tell...

Excuse me.

(muttering)

I didn't mean to knock your glasses off.

Now pick them up.

I'm telling you.

(indistinct scolding)

Drink up and shut up and let me finish in peace.

I'm sorry. I'm so sorry.

You know, what was the question?

We were... (knocking)

What?! Big Papa, listen.

You have a sound check now.

What's crack- a-lacking?

Are you, uh, are you represented?

Testing, one, two, three. One, two, three.

Two on two, two on four.

Jordan, sit your butt down on that chair, man,

before I come and knock your chest off.

Jordan! Somebody grab that boy and sit him in his seat for me.

Jordan, if you don't... You checking it?

Yeah, I'm checking it. Come on. We're done.

Sit down! You sound great.

Speakers love you. We're ready. Come on.

Jerry, when am I gonna get my time? You know I need my time.

You're gonna get your time. Ask me what time it is.

What time is it? It's time that you're going to get your time.

(phone ringing) Oh. Hold on, hold on.

Come on. Hello.

WANDA: Honey? Oh, Wanda. Where are you, sweetheart?

Thought you said you were gonna come down here and help me.

Sorry, hon. It's been one tradition after another.

Now Mr. Watanabe wants to honor our new partnership

with a tea ceremony.

Sweetheart, give him some Lipton tea

and bring your butt on down here!

The curtain opens up in less than an hour.

I know this is terrible timing, but what can I do?

Now Wanda talking about she can't make it, man.

This is some bull, man. Nothing going my way.

All right. Look, Uncle Bernie.

I added a rainbow to your good luck picture.

I don't care what you did, Baby Girl.

I don't care.

Look, Jerry, you want to help me, man?

Help get all these leeches off me, man.

Okay, you can say that to the camera.

Oh. Leeches-- that's just a term of endearment.

Cut the camera. What's the camera on for, anyway?

Cut that camera off. What is it doing on anyway?

We have five minutes. Let's everyone take five minutes now.

BERNIE: Thank you. Out.

I know you need your time. You're gonna get it right here.

Thank you. (loud, unusual vocal warmup)

(music playing)

(moaning)

I got two knots in my back--

one for each kid.

(whispering) Big Papa, what it is?

Not now, man, please. We're working out the kinks.

No, no, no, I know. I know you're working out the kinks.

I'm sorry to disturb you, but, um,

have you seen Baby Girl and Jordan?

Only thing that I've seen, partner,

was inside of my eyelids.

(laughs) Why?

Well, because I had to take a call

with the Pay-Per-View people,

and, um, you know, I had a roadie watching them,

and I guess they just wandered off.

What?

Well, I'll tell you what.

Look until you hear some noise.

If you hear some noise, you find the kids.

And when you find 'em, staple 'em to a chair.

Copy that, but I, uh... Actually, we've been looking

for them for 25 minutes, so... You know what? Just chillax.

Chillax, and, um, I'm-I'm going to take care of it.

We're going to look for 'em.

25 minutes?! How am I gonna get a massage

while my kids are missing for 25 minutes?

We're in the middle of a city.

Something bad can happen in 25 seconds.

Mac Man's just going to have to wait, America.

It's time for Uncle Bernie to punch back in.

What?

Oh. Oh, I'm sorry, America.

Showing a little bosom. (laughs)

Bernie Jackson.

The boy's about yea high.

Wears little scrawny glasses.

He's slim, so when you grab him,

make sure you got a grip on him because he's slippery.

Baby Girl-- little bit shorter.

Got her hair in an Afro puff like Mickey Mouse.

Only thing about Baby Girl is she's cute, and she knows it,

so don't make eye contact with her

because if you do, she'll own you.

Charlie, Beef, take the service tunnels, cat walks.

Sonia, Steve, you take the dressing rooms.

Thirty minutes to curtain, Mr. Mac.

Thank you. All right, let's go find my babies.

(people chattering)

Wow.

Where there's shrimp, there's Baby Girl.

JERRY: Jordan? (indistinct chatter)

Baby Girl? Jor...? Oh, guys, guys.

Have you guys seen two children?

One's an adorable little girl, and the other one kind of looks

like a young Republican with, you know, snorkels?

He just went by. Yeah, check up there.

Awesome. Jordan?

Jordan, I'll tell you right now,

do not make me come after you...

(chattering) This is so cool.

Well, he said he left some tickets

for my Aunt Wanda, so if she's not here by now,

she's not coming.

I bet they're super-awesome seats!

Hey, act 18.

Hi. Tickets for Wanda Mac.

(girls gasping)

Oh, go, go, go, go, go, go!

Go!

Look, I'm telling you, I am Bernie Mac's niece.

You're not getting in. Hey, Jerry?

Wait a second, wait a second. Charlie, I'll call you right back.

Vanessa, what the hell are you doing here?

I caught these girls trying to sneak in.

Oh, no, no, no, no, that's okay. She's with me.

I didn't know you were coming tonight.

Um, yeah, see, I wanted to surprise Uncle Bernie,

but we don't have any tickets.

Yeah, but you got Uncle Jerry.

Come on. You're in.

Oh, but remember, it's a surprise,

so don't tell Uncle Bernie.

Vanessa, I'm-I'm a manager, okay?

Secrets and lies-- that's what they pay me for.

Come on.

CHILDREN (singing): ♪ La-la, la-la-la ♪

♪ La-la, la-la-la la, la-la, la ♪

♪ La, la, la ♪

(clucking)

♪ La-la, la, la-la, la, la, la... ♪

Where did you all go? What y'all run off like that for?

You wanted us gone, so we got gone.

Look, kids, I say things all the time.

Today you all want to get sensitive?

Come on, let's get on out of here.

What?

Oh, y'all want to hear me say I love you.

Okay then, fine, kids.

I love you. Come on, let's go.

Say it like you mean it.

Jordan, I ain't got time for all this, man. (shrieks)

Jordan! Oh, for the love of God... Hey, man.

All right, just in time, too, 'cause we got to get you behind the curtain now.

Let's go. What? Now? I didn't get my throat exercises.

Oh, really? I just lost ten pounds trying to find your kids.

WANDA: Hi, honey. I made it. Hey, baby. oh.

Hey, this is Mr. Watanabe. Hi.

Mr. Hirosaki. Hi.

And Mr. Nosozu. So.

Dirty joker man. (laughter)

Konnichiwa!

Yeah, okay. He's hilarious. Come on, we got to go now.

Okay, baby, it's showtime. I got to go, I got to go.

Okay, you look good, honey... Thank you, baby.

All right, all right, you ready to make history?

No... not now, not now, not now, not now.

You ready to make history? You ready?

Yeah, man, let's go, let go.

Hey, no, no, not now.

It's all right. Everybody, just relax.

Chill it, chill it, chill it.

(performing voice exercises)

You got nothing to worry about. Just think funny. That's it.

In fact, just think unfunny, 'cause that makes you more funny.

You just have to think like you're a lion I a cage.

I'm good. Okay, and you got to uncage yourself.

I hear you. Uncage yourself like a lion would uncage...

Nessa!

JERRY: Surprise!

Surprise? Well, what the hell you doing here?

Thirty seconds. Man, tell them to wait. Come here.

No, no, no, no. No time, B. Okay, we're on Pay-Per-View.

It's live. We got to go. Come on.

I can't perform like this.

It ain't over. You know...

Come on, come on... Let 'em go, let 'em go. Let the kids...

You been there before, Bernie. You been there before.

Come on, come on. You been there before. Come on.

ANNOUNCER: Ladies and gentlemen,

the Wiltern is proud to present... Oh, Nessa. Jordan...

the Mac Man himself, Mr. Bernie Mac!

(cheering and applause)

Didn't I tell you all I was coming tonight?

You all real nice, real nice. Nice.

(whistling) But I'm a little nervous, man.

I ain't been on stage in a long time, man.

I got to get my head on right.

My head... I'm all screwed up, man.

I got kids. (laughter)

Don't you want to hurt 'em?

Don't you just want to snap their arm off

and twist their head off like a chicken wing?

(laughter)

You know. And you know what I'm talking...

Anybody want to buy a 15-year-old child?

'Cause you cold-blooded and you're saving her life.

(laughter)

Let me tell you what the heifer did this morning.

Woke me up, 4:00 in the morning. 4:00.

Asked me can she come to this show.

I told her, no, and I'm the parent.

In her mind, she got an instant answer within herself.

She told herself that she gonna come anyway

and sneak in without me knowing.

Well, ladies and gentlemen, I found out.

You didn't hear all that noise back there?

(laughter) I tried to be...

But see, you can't say things, can't say things.

(laughter)

You know, I'm just confused now, man.

Everything is just so doggone discombobulated now,

you can't do things no more. Can't say nothing no more.

Everything is PC.

Sure, people can't say "midget."

(laughter)

You got to say "little people."

Some (bleep) this damn tall.

That's a midget.

(laughter)

Like in... Women now--

you don't wear no clothes now.

You know, you're like... you're like, uh, Bam-Bam

and Betty Rubble, all them cats.

Your chest out.

You see the dark meat of your butt.

You know what I mean? (laughter)

You know, women... You know, you see

your daughter doing something like that,

you know, it crush you.

But your son-- you see your son...

You walk in on your son...

You know, you try to be strong.

Well, what you doing?!

(laughter)

Put your doggone clothes on when you get through.

(laughter) And take that girl on home.

But see, you walk in on your daughter, can't. You won't talk like that.

But see, you be on the phone with your son.

Man, I caught my son doing a little something, you know?

(laughter)

Oh, man.

No, he can go, he can go, he can go.

(laughter)

But you catch your daughter doing something like...

What, you nasty... just like your mama.

(laughter and clapping)

You know something?

America, it just hit me.

I spent all day trying to avoid those kids,

thinking they'd stop me from bringing my "A" game.

but funny thing is, they gave me my "A" game.

I mean, listen to that crowd.

(laughter and applause)

You hear that?

I told you, America, I was gonna be gold tonight.

(applause)

Captioned by Visual Data