Original subtitles

(theme music playing)

Okay. Ready for the next one. Okay.

Who did President John F. Kennedy appoint as Secretary of Defense?

Um, one of his brothers?

No, that was Attorney General. I'll give you a hint.

The beginning of his last name sounds like your uncle's.

Mac... MacNamara.

Robert MacNamara.

You see that girl, America?

Hard working, studious.

Terry's daddy sure is a lucky man.

All the qualities you want in a daughter,

so that's why I like Nessa being her friend.

I'm hoping some of that goodness will rub off on her,

help Nessa stay on the straight and narrow.

She good people.

That Terry-- she going to be something.

TERRY: After this, want to go smoke? I've got some cloves.

VANESSA: No, thanks-- last time I tried,

I got sick for six hours straight.

I remember that!

Said she had food poisoning!

Even blamed my fish sticks!

Can't believe that doggone Terry.

Smoking!

If a kid like that up to no good,

I'm in deep...

You know.

Vanessa's a good kid.

Yeah, we thought Terry was, too.

Vanessa's not Terry.

Wanda, what we know about Nessa, seriously?

She's so secretive, always hanging out in her room and everything.

As far as we know, she could be getting

some piercing or having relations.

Vanessa's not getting anything pierced.

I didn't ask you that. What'd you ask me?

I said maybe she could be doing that.

Do you think she's having relations?

No, I don't. Okay, look at you.

Instead of getting yourself all worked up,

why don't you spend some time with her,

see what's going on in her life?

Yeah. You know, I know how to find things out.

You know, I've got a way of making people talk. No, not like that.

See, you can't go charging at her, okay?

All she's going to do is just clam up.

Come on, honey, be gentle.

(laughter) And then Jacob threw up and got a time out.

That's a brilliant story, baby girl.

Nessa, what's going on with you? Anything you want to talk about?

Today in school, we got letters from our Russian pen pals.

Your name Nessa?

Like I was saying, Nessa, anything going on, anything?

No. Come on, you mean to tell me you're in school all day,

and there ain't nothing going on?

When I was your age, girl, when I was in school, man,

all the drama. Am I right, baby? Mm-hm.

Aunt Wanda, can you give me a picture of you?

Boris sent a picture of his mom.

Sure, sweetie. How's Terry, Nessa?

Oh, she's fine. BERNIE: Is she?

Uh...

Why is she in her underwear?

Because she's Russian, stupid.

I'll take that. Ooh.

Um, may I be excused?

W-Why so soon, Nessa?

Come on, I thought maybe we'd talk and have sundaes.

I have a test tomorrow.

JORDAN: So Aunt Wanda, do you know

any good men-- Boris writes that his mom

is single and willing to relocate.

I'll ask around.

Can I see that letter?

(circkets chirping)

Honey, I thought you might... Shh, shh!

What you doing?

Listening to Nessa's conversation.

Baby, they are cruel.

Mr. Conner can't help he got a bad toupee.

NESSA: I'm on the phone!

Oh, I'm sorry!

Dang, girl, you almost got me caught.

What?

You told me to try to get to know her.

I didn't tell you to spy on her.

Well, I tried the normal way, and she stonewalled me.

She gave me absolutely nothing.

What do you expect? She's 15.

Well, she can articulate better than that.

Come on, quit cosigning for her.

Honey, don't do it like this.

Okay? Just be gentle.

Sip your wine. Yeah.

I just want to know she ain't up to no good, America.

She ain't say anything to you, did she?

Huh?

(class bell ringing)

Any of you guys want to hit up City Walk?

My cousin works the counter at Johnny Rockets.

Vanessa? Uh, I would, but I don't have a ride home.

I'll take you home.

How? You only have your learner's permit.

What, you don't think I'll get you home safely?

BERNIE: I bet you I can get her home safely.

I bet you that, boy.

Why are you here?

Baby, I thought me and you could do something together... alone.

Hey, Bernie Mac, what's up?

Come on, Nessa, let's go.

Oh, you going to look real pretty later on

when you start smoking through your throat with that big ol' hole.

When you try to talk, you got that microphone up in there.

You'll see.

What's happening with our kids, America?

Look at that ratty-looking boy with the matted hair.

And look at that girl wearing those jeans,

showing off all her assets.

And who's that thug pawing on Nessa?

These are the kids she hang out with, I'm telling you.

I'm not liking what I'm finding out, America.

I'm not liking it at all.

(drops bag)

(down-tempo music playing)

No way!

Hey, what you doing in my desk?

What were you doing under my mattress?

You watch your tone with me, Nessa.

I can't believe you.

Hey, hey, hey, what's all the fussing about?

He read my diary. You did that?

Well, if she won't talk to me, I'll find out what she's talking about to herself.

Besides, I'm the one that should be upset.

Look at what you're making me do in order to be a good parent.

But you're invading my privacy like it's nothing.

You're 15 years old. You ain't got no privacy.

This is so unfair.

Write it down in your diary

with all your other thoughts so I can read about it later.

Sorry, Nessa. Ain't no sorry.

I don't care. If you ain't with me, baby, you against me.

Ooh.

(door slams) Slam the door again, see what happen to you!

Just go on and slam it!

She be lucky I care.

Hey, I don't know, man.

Come on, you-you read her diary.

She's 15, man-- how you... how you expect her to act?

Mute and obedient, that's what I expect.

Besides, I'm a parent.

I got the right to know what's going on

with my kids in my house. That's my right.

If most parents spent the time and the interest

in their kids, world'd be a better place.

Yeah, Bernie Mac don't lie.

Look, if Vanessa wasn't doing nothing wrong,

then that diary wouldn't need no lock.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, no, hold up, you broke the lock? Yeah, you right.

(laughing) What?!

No, no, I didn't. It popped right off. Come on.

It popped... it popped right off. Come on, man, now,

you should do what we did, man. Get yourself a nanny cam.

You got a nanny cam? Yeah, man. Well, you know, the kids

were always complaining about the baby-sitter,

and the baby- sitter was always complaining about the kids,

and Rosie worried, so, you know, we thought we'd see.

What did you find out? Yeah?

That my kids are animals, man.

Oh, man, I could've told you that.

Yeah, you don't need no nanny cam for that.

They wild, right? They wild.

Come on, get wild on this right here. Yeah, they're my kids.

(giggling)

Oh, he just walked in. I'll call you back.

Who was that? No one.

No one got a name? It was Terry, all right?

(phone keys beeping)

(line ringing)

BOY (on phone): What's up, Boo,? He gone?

No, he's on the phone.

What's your name, Boo?

(phone clicks, dial tone)

That girl lied to me right to my face!

Of course, unless Terry's up to a carton a day,

that wasn't her.

If she's lying to me about this, America,

what else she lying to me about?

Trying to play me, the Mac man.

Well, I guess I got no choice, America.

It's time for me to get my sneak on.

(music playing)

Wow, look at this here.

Man, this place is a trip.

Shoot, I didn't know half this stuff here existed, man.

I know. If you did, I'd be out of business.

Wow. Well, you know, right here, this some bull here.

$30 for a pop?

(scoffs) Looks can be deceiving.

Actually, you put your jewelry in there.

Man, that's nice. That's real nice.

Next level.

And this here? What's this?

Oh, that's a recording device.

You're kidding. Mm-hm.

And this?

That's a mug.

What you bumping, man?

Gin and juice. You know it.

Wow, man, this is... what kind of customers

you be dealing with, man, Inspector Gadget?

Wha-What's this here? No, actually I got customers like yourself,

you know, thinking that their partners

be skimming a little off the top,

or perhaps they wives be cheating on 'em,

or maybe the feds be bugging their pad, you know what I mean?

Look here, I don't want to sound like no L-7, or nothing like that,

but you carry a nanny cam?

Look, ain't nothing wrong with protecting our youth, you know what I'm saying?

There's a lot of crazies out there.

But actually, man, the crazies I want to spy on

are my kids.

Oh, I can dig that.

I've got some crazies of my own.

Check this out over here. What's that, man?

I got this little teddy bear.

We call it Tattle Tale Teddy Bear, you know what I'm saying?

He even come with a squealing seal, and he's rigged for sound.

What?

Peekaboo. (chuckling)

(music playing)

Okay. Phew.

Okay.

All right, let's see what you got,

'cause Bernie Mac is bringing his A-game, baby.

Shoot, you don't know who you're messing with.

What the...?

Something wrong with that boy.

(music playing)

WANDA: Bernie?

I ain't doing nothing. Watching TV.

I fell asleep a little bit, though. (clears throat)

You-you here kind of early, baby.

I've been here for a while, actually.

I was talking to Vanessa.

Really? What's wrong?

You know, she is really upset that you read her diary.

Baby, I don't care nothing about that.

Nessa's a child, and as long as she's living under our roof,

we got the right to know what's going on.

Then you need to find another way to reach her.

Well, you know what? You're absolutely right.

And I'm working on that as we speak.

Really?

Really.

Hmm. Well, that was easy.

I had a whole speech planned and everything.

Well, no speech necessary, baby.

Fine. Well, carry on.

Oh, no.

It's bear season!

Don't you do it! Don't do it, boy!

Don't you--!

Teddy.

Hey, baby, where's Nessa?

Oh, her friends came by to go to the mall.

Her friends were over here?

Yeah. In my house?

Mm-hm.

(up-tempo music playing)

Let me ask you something, America.

How in the hell am I supposed to keep tabs on that girl

and she won't stand still for the camera?

I mean, sneaking off to the mall while I'm looking the other way?

See, kids today are devious, crafty, insidious.

Well, guess what, America?

So is Bernie Mac.

This ain't over. This is far from over, baby.

You want to play rough? Well, I'll show you how rough I am.

Yeah.

Did anybody see you?

Look, man, just throw it in the water.

I got another customer.

Look, I need another nanny cam, quick.

Man, whatever happened to Tattle Tale Teddy?

He got shot. What?!

Man, listen, I need something a little bit more inconspicuous.

Hmm.

Oh, okay, try this on.

A smoke detector?

Nah, that's the eye in the sky, baby.

Oh, man, that's nice.

But what if they go in another room, though?

(laughs)

Give me seven.

(upbeat music playing)

Look-look at her.

That's why she's getting so doggone fat.

Look at her eating.

Yeah, right.

Wanda, trying to play she's busy.

(sighs)

Must be some kind of syndrome or something.

Tourette's maybe.

(Jordan grunts)

I'm thinking I'm letting my worries get the best of me.

I'm putting cameras in all the doggone rooms

and spying on my own kids.

I feel like Nixon.

I saw my boy change this morning.

I got to feed him.

He look like one of them Ethiopian babies.

Oh, hell, no!

Now hold up. I know you ain't wearing that.

Who the hell you think you are?

You ain't no Lil' Kim.

Oh, okay.

It's like that.

Okay, yeah, diabolical.

Yeah, and I'm sitting up here almost feeling bad for nothing.

Okay. Okay. Yeah.

Hey, hey, hey, where you all going?

I'm gonna drop Vanessa off at the mall.

Would you like me to get you something while I'm out?

No, I don't... I don't need anything.

Hey, hey, hold on.

Girl, you going to burn up in that.

You need to take that off. Oh, I get cold.

No, no, no, no, no, no. Why don't you take that off?

Why don't you take it off? Why?

Because I said take it off. Bernie.

I told her to take it off, baby.

Now I want it off. Take it off.

Ooh. What the...?

Were you going to have me drop you off at the mall dressed like that?

Yeah. I don't think so. Room.

(music playing)

(music playing)

It's a brave new world, America.

A brave new world.

I highly recommend it.

(The Dramatics: "Whatcha See Is Whatcha Get")

♪ You know some people ♪

♪ Are made of lies ♪

♪ To bring you down ♪

♪ And shame your name ♪

♪ But baby ♪

♪ I have good intentions ♪

♪ 'Cause breaking hearts ♪

♪ Just ain't my game ♪

♪ Breakin' hearts ain't my game ♪

♪ All I want to do is love you ♪

♪ And sugar I won't pin you with regret... ♪

Thank you, baby.

That was an excellent dinner.

Don't you want to tell Aunt Wanda

how excellent that dinner was?

But guess what?

We're going to cap it off with some delicious chocolate fudge cake.

I want some chocolate fudge cake.

You do? You're not getting any.

Why not?

'Cause you're going to spend the rest of your time

in your room thinking about how much you miss these.

My nunchucks! Look at them and say it again.

Oh, my nunchucks. Yeah. How many times

I told you about ordering from that ninja catalog?

But you confiscated half my arsenal.

And guess what else? I found your little hiding space.

Yeah. Yeah, and I confiscated all the rest of your fireworks.

I even gave a call to Christopher's daddy

and let him know where he's getting his fair share.

Yeah. Oh, I'm a dead man.

Yeah. (chuckling) No, no, hold on, baby.

Here, why don't you take a piece of these?

Yum-yum.

Who else want cake?

Yeah.

Can I have a cookie with my cake?

No, you ain't having no cookies.

How many times do I have to tell you, Baby Girl?

You ain't getting no more cookies.

You got a habit.

Yeah.

How do you know this?

'Cause I keep a close eye on all of them.

That's right. Peekaboo.

Yeah. (door slams)

(laughs) Yeah.

Yes, sir. Bernie Mac's putting the brother in Big Brother.

I should have done this from the moment the kids stepped into our house.

That's what I should have did, ya'll.

(muttering) Look at them. Look.

Look at her.

If you cut her, she'll bleed batter.

He took everything.

All he left was this stupid rope.

You know, I-I can't stand it.

He's always dipping into my business,

and he won't even let me go out with my friends on Saturday.

He's going to take us bowling.

VANESSA: Oh, great, so we can watch him bowl

in those stupid alligator shoes and that stupid silk shirt

and the tricked-out ball that says "Bernie Mac" on it?

You know, last time he only bowled an 82.

(all laughing)

America, I'm just a beginner.

A beginner! What's wrong with my gators?

You believe them? Disrespecting me in my own house?

They're lucky I can't say anything,

but the next time they do something wrong,

this gets factored in, I'm telling you.

Look at... listen to them, look at that.

(kids laughing) Hee-hee.

Yeah. Yeah, okay.

Hey, I broke 100 today.

Oh, is that good? Yeah, for me.

Oh, hey, Cheryl. Hi, Bernie.

So, you went bowling?

No, I've been bungee-jumping.

So, how are the kids? Where everybody at?

Uh, I don't know. I've been in here with Cheryl.

Hmm. (exhales)

Okay, honey.

Okay, honey. Okay.

(music playing)

Okay.

There he is.

Where did that boy go?

Where...?

Where did he go?

Okay.

(laughter) Got you.

Aunt Wanda, is Drano flammable?

Uh, I don't know, but, hey, you're not gonna find out.

Let him find out.

Oh, that bracelet is gorgeous.

Oh, isn't it?

Bernie's so thoughtful.

CHERYL: And he has terrific taste.

Actually, I've got terrific taste.

You won't believe what he really bought me.

(laughter)

I thought it would grow on me,

but a day later, it didn't, so voila!

He's not gonna know?

No, he never knows.

I just wanted to spy on my kids

without getting my feelings hurt.

Is that too much to ask?

Good morning.

Good morning...

Mmm, honey, those eggs smell delicious.

Oh, you're just saying that.

Uncle Bernie, are you still going

to take us bowling on Saturday?

Don't sass me, Jordan. Honey, he didn't sass you.

He just asked if you would take him bowling.

Yeah, and maybe I could use your really cool ball.

And maybe when he gets as good as you,

he can get a ball with his name on it.

Oh, that's so cute.

They want to be just like their Uncle Bernie.

Oh, hell, no! I'll be damned

if I'm gonna let them mock me in my own house.

My own table! My own face!

(music playing)

You did what?

In every doggone room.

You little ingrates don't try to play

like you're so innocent because I know everything.

You've been watching me undress?

Of course not.

Watching old tiny dancer over there, though.

Bernie, that's awful. Yeah, just like the bracelet, right, baby?

You spied on me, too? Not intentionally, but if you think

I'm going to buy you any more jewelry, you must be cwazy.

Nobody's talking to me, America,

but they're sure talking about me.

I love my family.

I'm just trying to protect them from themselves.

But I don't want to know everything

that goes on in our house no more.

'Cause words hurt Bernie Mac just like they do you, America.

Just like they do you.

(music playing)

Can't be no big brother no more.

(quiet chatter on monitor)

I don't want to, either.

♪ What you see see ♪ ♪ What you see see ♪

♪ Is What you get ♪ ♪ Is what you get ♪

♪ What you see see ♪ ♪ What you see see ♪

♪ Is what you get ♪ ♪ Is what you get ♪

♪ I said what you see ♪ ♪ What you see ♪

♪ Is what you get, now baby ♪

♪ Is what you get... ♪

(laughs)

I didn't say I wasn't going to be a parent.

The fact is,

I trust them a whole lot more with me in there.

(music playing)

Yeah.

This is it. Let it be yours.

Thanks, man.

You're cool. I like you, man.

You look like Snoop. You think so?

You look better-looking, though. I get that all the time.

That's yours, on the house. Go on and have that.

Come on. Yes, sir.

Then bum me up. Oh, you want a hit some of that?

Yeah, squeeze play. Mmm.

Man, you cheap with it, though.

Nice... real nice. Yes, sir.

(crew laughing)

Captioned by Visual Data