Original subtitles

[opening theme music playing]

Good evening.

This is John Beard, Fox 11 News,

reporting on a bizarre scene unfolding

on the westbound 101 freeway.

In a scene straight out of a Hollywood movie,

a slow-speed chase is in progress.

But this movie has a twist.

If you look above… Can we get that shot?

They're chasing a boy in a hot-air balloon.

[sirens blaring]

America, I bet you're wondering

how Bernie Mac got into this mess.

I wonder sometime myself.

But I'm going to tell you, it all started so innocent.

See, it was Jordan's birthday.

Only one week to the big day.

Yes, sir, captain, it's your birthday.

You want to do anything special?

I don't care. It's no big deal.

What do you mean you don't care? It's your birthday. It's special.

I don't know. Could we go to Royal Burger?

Come on now, Jordan, you can go to Royal Burger anytime.

That's not special.

[Wanda] Ah, Jordan, we could do whatever you want.

-Yeah. -On second thought

just make me a burger at home and maybe some tater tots.

What?

What the hell was that all about?

I never seen no kid don't get excited about his birthday.

He acting like a 39-year-old woman.

Well, Jordan's never had a birthday party.

What you mean, Nessa, he never had a birthday party?

Well, Mom always promised him one.

She said we were going to rent out the pizza place

and invite everybody from the Towers.

And Jordan got really excited,

but when the day came, something always came up.

Most of the time he didn't even get a gift.

That's not true, man.

I always sent him a gift of money.

No, you sent Mom money.

And she had her own parties.

Ain't that the saddest thing, America?

Poor Jordan.

Boy's turning ten and never had a birthday party.

Come on.

Well, America, I'm going to give him a birthday party

he'll never forget.

And I know I always wanted to kill the boy,

but this time I'm going to kill the boy with kindness.

America, I'm going to bury him with presents.

Look here, pimp,

we decided you gonna have a birthday party.

-Uh, that's okay. -What?

Come on, Jordan, I know you had nine stinkers in the past,

but this time number ten's going to sweet.

Yeah, we can have ice cream and cake and balloons and tequila.

[whispering] Sorry…

Uh, I don't know.

Look, Jordan, if they're going to spend the money

go on and get yours.

Yeah… What you mean, "go on and get yours"?

What? We're saying the same thing.

Oh. Well, come on and get yours.

Okay.

America, I'm going to give that boy a bowling party.

And I'm going to reserve two lanes,

order some pizza and get him his favorite cake,

angel food Bundt cake with strawberries.

Now, I know what you're thinking, America,

but that's what the boy like, and this is his day.

And he can eat whatever he want.

He can even eat ice cream

without the lactate pill if he so wishes.

America, Little J's going to get his party on, y'all.

He going to get his swing on here tonight.

I mean the… the boy never had a party.

Awesome, man. I love bowling.

Yeah, this is going to be great. Gonna have some fun.

Hey, guys, I'm having a party,

and you're all invited.

This is the same day as my party.

Well, what kind of party is it?

It's a Sword and Sorcery party.

Cool.

Yeah, I'm having real midgets dressed as evil dwarves

and we're renting the park and we're making a medieval forest.

Whoa…

Well, what are you going to have besides bowling, Jordan?

I'm having Harold The Amazing Magician.

My baby brother had him when he turned four. What else you got?

Uh, we'll have lots of stuff like cake and ice cream and…

I'll be there.

[exhales] Well, sorry, Jordan,

but, uh, we're going to Billy's party.

Yeah, you should come, Jordan.

See you, Jordan.

Hey, hey, hey!

What's the problem?

Billy Genetti's having a party the same day as I am.

No problem, Jordan. Some go to his, some go to yours.

No, they're all going to his 'cause his is better.

I told you I didn't want a party.

Why couldn't we've just gone to Royal Burger like I said?

Jordan, Jordan…

Man!

Boy, come pick this bag up.

[door slams]

You think he upset?

Yes, sir, I'm not asking you to cancel.

What I'm asking you

is maybe you and I can work together on this.

For example, maybe you can move your party to the morning

and I'll move Jordan's to the afternoon.

[Genetti] Oh, here's a thought. No.

I'm not moving one candle on my boy's cake.

I mean, sir, Jordan did hand out his invitations out first.

I mean, that should count for something, now, don't it?

Listen, you don't build six Mr. Pecker's franchises

by being a doorman.

I said no.

Honey, what's he saying?

Hold on. Baby, this man out of his doggone mind.

Man, he won't budge.

Sir, look, my nephew is going to be ten years old.

He never ever had a birthday party.

Well, then he won't know what he's missed.

[hangs up]

Baby, this punk hung up on me.

I can't…

Oh, the…

Which one is his house, baby?

We can't cancel this party. It's his birthday.

We ain't canceling a damn thing.

Jordan's going to have his birthday party

and I guarantee all those ugly kids is going to be there.

And I'll tell you something else.

We ain't never eating Mr. Pecker's chicken no more.

That nasty-ass chicken.

[keypad beeping]

Can you believe that, America?

Genetti tried to ruin Jordan's birthday party.

Well, if they want to play hardball, I can, too.

If they have a triple-layer cake,

well, we just have to have seven-layer cake.

If they want pony rides, well, we'll get horseback rides.

Anything they do, we'll just have to do

a little bit bigger, that's all.

If they bring on the midgets, well, we bring out the dwarves,

'cause dwarves are a little bigger than midgets.

Now don't get mad at me, America.

That's science.

No.

Ooh, how 'bout the Wild West?

Every party-goer gets a six-shooter and a pair of chaps.

And talk about the atmosphere.

I mean, we have a sheriff, a town drunk, an old dentist,

and you can choose how many teeth.

Three or five or whatever you like.

I did this party for Ray Romano and let me tell you, it was fabulous.

-It was shoot 'em up fun. -Yeah.

I don't, don't think… What else you got?

Okay, okay, okay. That's not right for your son.

Well tell me about him. What does he like?

Bugs.

Mmm, bugs.

How about, um… butterflies?

Little caterpillars on the ground

and then they grow and fly away.

Butter… Um, no?

-Mm-mm. -Hmm.

Well, how about aliens? Jordan likes aliens.

Oh, yeah.

Could you do something like that, a space theme?

Oh, space theme.

Hmm, aliens?

Space, the final frontier.

Well, that's going to cost a little bit extra.

I mean, I can't pull an entire solar system out of my ass.

Well, we won't ask you to do that.

And money is not a problem,

but I'm quite sure if you put your mind to it,

you can do anything you like.

[chuckles] Thank you, Mr. Mac.

Well, aliens.

Okay, I think I can help you out.

And there'll be a UFO

and everyone gets to wear their own space suits.

Can we eat dried foods and pee in a tube?

No.

But you can play laser tag with your own space blaster.

But how do we know the kids are going to come to my party over Billy's?

Because you got the big secret surprise.

I do? What is it?

Come here, sweetie.

Cool! That's going to be the greatest!

I want to know the secret.

How come he gets all that?

Oh, sweetie, it's because it's his birthday.

All I got was a cake and a stupid petting zoo.

You had a birthday party, so behave.

Last time you had one

you had the whole house smelling like sheep for a week.

It's your time to shine.

It's my turn!

I'm so excited! I love you, man!

Congratulations.

You've been given clearance to Area 51.

Congratulations.

You've been given clearance to Area 51.

Congratulations.

You've been given clearance to Area 51.

"Come to Roswell and find out what secrets the government doesn't want you to know."

Well, what is it? What's the secret?

That's classified information

because if I tell you, I'd have to kill you.

Well, I hear they keep a crashed UFO there.

-I will definitely be there. -Yeah, me too.

Your party has a secret?

Yeah. You should come, Billy.

[school bell ringing]

Everybody wants to come. I have to get more invites.

And we got to get more blasters for the laser tag.

See? What'd I tell you.

Uncle Bernie ain't going to let you down. Never.

This is going to be the best birthday ever.

[phone ringing]

Hello.

Yeah, is Bernie Mac there?

No, he's out shopping for Jordan's stupid party.

Listen, sweetheart,

this is Mr. Genetti, okay?

I want you to tell your father something for me.

you tell him that if he thinks some secret

is going to keep us from having…

It's an alien.

It's a what?

The secret is an alien.

And everyone can reach in and pull out his guts,

but really it's just cold spaghetti.

[chuckling] Thank you, precious.

[woman] I feel so sorry for this boy, nobody's showing up.

I know nobody's going to come. Nobody's coming!

Calm down, Jordan. Don't worry.

They're going to come.

Mr. Mac, I think we should start the alien autopsy.

-The spaghetti is al dente. -No, no, no.

-Just a few minutes more, please, okay? -All right.

Thank you.

Yo, Max, you told me this whole secret bull

was going to work, man.

Excuse me.

I was not told that we would be across the park

from a Sword and Sorcery party.

Apparently, you had a secret, too.

[medieval music playing]

You ain't got to get all huffy.

[phone ringing]

Hello. Mac.

[Genetti] What was that?

I'm sorry, I can't hear you

over the siege of the dark castle.

The what?

Kid's having fun with their swords.

You know, apparently, boys like real sword fighting

more than they like poking a dead alien

full of spaghetti.

[laughs]

Ho, ho, ho. Wait, wait… The what?

How do you know about the autopsy? That's top secret.

Oh, was it?

I'm sorry, geez.

Then maybe I shouldn't have told everyone,

'cause once they knew the secret,

they just wanted to stay here.

Oh, hey, kids.

Forget everything I said about that secret.

Oh, hey, Bernie.

You got any plastic spoons you're not using over there,

'cause we… Oh, wait.

Of course you do! [laughs]

Well, baby, Genetti found out about the autopsy.

-How? That's impossible. -I don't know.

Somebody had to rat us out.

I did.

What?

Baby girl, why you do that?

I was mad at Jordan.

Baby girl, I told you it was Jordan's birthday.

You had a special birthday.

I was mad.

But I feel much better now.

Baby girl, so what you got to say for yourself, huh?

Sorry, Jordan.

That's okay.

Can you believe that, America?

Jordan was going to have such a great birthday party

and it all was spoiled by a 6-year-old green-eyed monster.

But if Butch Genetti think he can steal my party,

he got another thing coming.

Oh, it's on like it never been on before.

Oh, it's on.

'Cause by the time I'm done, they're going to be singing

"Crappy Birthday."

Oh, America, I'm telling you, straight off the press, it's on.

♪ Oh, today is your birthday ♪

♪ And I wish you ♪

Max, Max…

Look, I need your help, man.

This is the worst. This is horrible.

It's just horrible.

Max, pull yourself together. Turn up the volume on this party.

There's nothing I can do. There's nothing I can do.

[sobbing]

Max, Max, do… do whatever it takes. Do it.

I don't… I don't know what to do.

If money's no problem, maybe I can do one thing.

Find it.

All right, listen up, you squares.

The warm-up party is officially over.

And the real party's about to start across the park

at Jordan's party planet.

And everyone gets a chance to ride on Nelly the elephant!

[cheering]

Wait, wait, wait, wait.

If you leave you'll miss

the Dragon's famous fireworks display.

And I'll let you fire the rockets yourselves.

[cheering]

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

If you come back,

you get a chance to see some real fire-eaters

and everyone gets a chance to jump on the trampoline.

And besides, it's daytime.

How the hell you going to see some fireworks?

[cheering]

Hold it!

Come back to Billy's party,

I'll give you 5 bucks apiece.

[cheering]

I hope you fall out.

'Cause I'm not giving you no damn money.

But if you don't come back,

you'll never, ever get a chance to ride on this!

[children gasping, cheering]

Never should have messed with the Mac Man, America.

I mean, trying to bribe little kids with $5.

That man is low.

[elephant trumpeting]

We got an elephant.

Here you go. Next.

Hey! I was next!

-So? -So, it's my birthday.

Oh. How old are you?

-Ten. -Ooh.

Here's your present.

Ow, ow, ow!

♪ Hurry, hurry, step right up ♪

♪ See the saddest show in town For only 50 cents ♪

♪ Step right up ♪

♪ Hurry, hurry ♪

♪ Before the show begins ♪

♪ My friends ♪

♪ Stand in line ♪

♪ Get your tickets ♪

♪ I hope you… ♪

You know, maybe we'd, uh, get a little lunch.

I… I didn't mean "little."

Seriously, how much could you really eat?

-[sighs] -Baby, Wanda, we did it.

-We did it. -Mm-hmm.

Ooh, honey, should we do the cake now?

Yeah. You get the cake, I'll get the birthday boy.

-Okay. -Okay.

Birthday boy.

Where's the birthday boy?

♪ You'll see that he is sad ♪

♪ He hurts so bad ♪

Jordan, what you doing over here, man?

You're missing the whole birthday party.

I hate my birthday. There's so many people,

I can't even get to the fun stuff.

That's gonna change right now. Get up.

It's your day to shine, birthday boy.

Follow me, sparkle.

Ow. And don't call me sparkle.

Just shut up and follow me.

-Hey. -Excuse me.

Yo, yo, yo, get that elephant out of here.

Breaking off like that while he's walking.

Vile! Excuse me. Birthday boy.

Excuse me, excuse me, big fellow.

-Birthday boy. -Hey, no cutting.

Ain't nobody cutting. This is the birthday boy.

Get first ride. Come on.

How do you like that?

You get the first ride on this balloon, son,

so I want you to buckle it up.

It's your birthday.

[Genetti] Hey, kids,

the dark tower calls,

and the go-carts are on the way!

Genetti!

Punk-ass wizard.

Sabotaging a kid's birthday party.

You started it.

Get off my kid's trampoline.

-What don't you make me? -You think I ain't?

You think I ain't?

You swing like a bitch.

Is that all you got? Come on.

[Bernie] Uh-oh, uh-oh.

[elephant trumpeting]

I think he's looking at you, Bernie.

I do, too.

Um, help.

Should I be buckled in?

Oh, my boy!

My boy!

Uncle Bernie! Help! I'm leavin'! Help!

Whoa…

♪ Come along, ride on the funk ♪

♪ To the land of funk ♪

♪ Come along and ride On a fantastic voyage ♪

[Jordan] Help! Uncle Bernie. Help!

-[sirens wailing] -Uncle Bernie!

♪ Funk ♪

-Help! -♪ Funk ♪

Uncle Bernie!

[sobbing]

Help!

♪ There's a party over there That ain't no jive ♪

♪ It's live, live, it's all the way live ♪

♪ Don't even have to walk ♪

♪ Don't even have to drive Just slide, glide, slippity-slide ♪

♪ Just forget about your troubles ♪

♪ And your nine to five and just sail on ♪

[Jordan] Uncle Bernie!

Anybody!

Get me down!

♪ Let's call it Lakeside stank ♪

This is terrible, America.

All I wanted was to give the boy a nice birthday party.

But it's all my fault.

I had to go get carried away, and then he did.

Now I just hope he don't fly up into the sun.

[Jordan] I gotta go pee!

Sorry!

Oh, my God.

You're all right. I was so worried about you.

Ow.

Jordan, I'm so sorry.

Will you please forgive me, son?

I just wanted you to have a great birthday.

-I did! -You did?

This was the best birthday ever!

This makes up for all the birthdays I missed.

-Thank you! -What?

Well, son, let me go on and get you home,

and you tell me all about it, hear?

-Yeah, let's go. -Come here.

Did you know birds poop when they fly?

Elephants do, too. They poop when they walk.

They use their left leg. When you were up there, were you nervous?

♪ Happy birthday to you ♪

♪ Happy birthday ♪

So, America, that's how it happened.

Four hundred miles we chased him in that balloon. 400 miles.

And if that wasn't enough,

I find myself with a high-ass party bill,

and I'm fighting a blood feud with a guy named Genetti.

And stuck with a ticket from the city

to clean up 80 pounds of elephant mess.

But I tell you what, it's all worth it, America.

Just to see the smile on my man Jordan's face.

But for Vanessa's birthday…

she's definitely going bowling.

-Yo, Max! Max! -Hmm?

I really need your help on this, man.

This is the worst. This is horrible.

This is just horrible.

Max, pull yourself together. Quit acting like a bitch.

Here, take this lollipop and chill out.

Go on, take it.

And go on, please. Walk away, child.

Standing all up close to me to talk on the phone.

Apparently, you got more than one secret.

[director] Cut.