Original subtitles

[opening theme music playing]

Don't try to adjust your set, America. It's the sweater.

See, my baby parents, they're coming to visit.

Her mama made this little weak sweater for me,

and it makes her happy just to see me in it,

so here I am.

Now, see, my baby Wanda, she adores her parents.

She dotes on 'em.

Me, well, in the past, I always made sure

I was on the road when they came to visit.

Because they was always picking on me,

making little comments, judging me, saying I wasn't no good for her.

You know how in-laws do.

But see, now I can't leave.

Someone's got to be here with those doggone kids.

My kids.

Wanda's kids.

Damn kids.

Making me spend a whole week in hell.

[doorbell rings]

-[Wanda] Bernie, they're here. -I'm coming, baby.

The sweater not just ugly.

It's itchy, too.

Well, you want to know what it's made of?

I say it's made of mosquitoes.

Excuse me, America. This is some bull.

Oh, there he is! You come over here and give your mother-in-law some sugar.

-Yes, ma'am. -Oh.

[laughing]

Hey, Ma.

Hey, baby.

Hey, uh, Da… I mean, Lloyd. Good to see you.

Good to see you, too, Bernie.

I see you still haven't found a barber yet, though.

[laughing]

Oh, Mom, Dad, uh, you all met the kids?

Oh, adorable.

-What did you bring us? -[Bernie] Jordan!

No, no. That's perfectly all right. That's perfectly all right.

As a matter of fact, we did bring you something.

Disclosing tablets.

Got 'em for all you kids.

They show you where you miss when you brush.

[Jordan grunts]

Oh, Daddy.

Thanks. Well, it was nice meeting you.

Uh, don't think I forgot about you two.

Ooh!

[laughs]

Oh!

Look, Bernie.

[laughs] What a, uh…

Ooh, a lovely afghan.

Another one?

Wow. Oh, Mama, it's beautiful.

You shouldn't have.

Oh, I know, but I remembered

how much Bernie loved his sweater,

so I made him this to match.

Oh, thank you, Ma. Thank you.

-Hey, I don't wear mine. -Why… why is that, Dad?

Thing itches.

You know, I thought these two tones would look good in your house.

-You mind helping me with this luggage? -No, no.

That is, unless you think you're gonna scuff up your nails. [laughs]

[cackles]

Thank you, Mommy.

See what I mean, America?

They've only been here less than five minutes,

and already, they're starting.

Even when they're trying to be nice, they're annoying.

Look at this.

What the… is this?

[Bernie] Nessa?

I don't care if Todd's going to be there.

No. I'm just going to study.

[Bernie] Nessa!

Come on, baby. We're waiting on you.

The food's getting cold.

Coming.

No. I do not like him.

Donna, I don't.

-No, I don't like him. -Let me say something.

Hey, Donna, she don't like the boy, okay?

Do me a favor, hang up.

Come on, baby.

If I got to put up with them, you got to put up with them.

Come on. Come on, come on.

All right, I'm back.

Ma, can I help you find something over there?

Oh, no, no, baby.

I'm just putting things where they should be.

Mom, why don't you leave that alone, come over here

-and have some chicken with us, okay? -No, no. Thank you. I'm fine.

Made the right choice, Mother.

Chicken's a little undercooked.

Um, I…

L… Lloyd, ain't nothing wrong with that chicken.

If you want me to put it back on the grill, I will,

but nothing wrong with that chicken.

-You're a flipper, aren't you, Bernie? -I've been known.

Well, you flipped the bird too much.

Can't get cooked through and through that way.

Flipped the bird? I'd like to flip him the bird.

Come in my house…

All right.

All right. America, Bernie Mac need a break. That's all.

So, let me put all those people to bed and relax, breathe.

We all go through it.

This world's about sacrifice.

[chuckles]

And this is for two people?

[laughs]

You really are King of Comedy, aren't you?

Daddy.

Sweetie, we do not want to be any trouble.

-We can stay at the Wiltmore. -Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah.

Uh, no. You know what? I have a better idea.

[muttering]

Don't you do it. Wanda, don't do it!

I know she going to do it, America. She done did it!

Why you have to give up my doggone bed?

What was I supposed to do? I want 'em to be comfortable.

You didn't have to do that.

Old folks smell.

All up in my bed, like I can get it out.

Oh! Well, what you want to do now?

-You make allowances-- -What you wanna do?

You make allowances yourself. Come on.

[Wanda] You know what? I'll make it…

-[Bernie] Know what happened last time… -You know what happened…

-[Wanda] I don't remember. -Yeah, think about it.

-Yeah. -[Wanda] Yeah?

Oh, boy, oh, boy.

Wait. Where my doggone fish sticks at?

Woke up dreaming about 'em.

My mouth all set, and watering for it.

What type of…

hypocrites?

Oh.

So, Lloyd, I see you found my fish sticks, huh?

Mmm. Lightly breaded, not too fishy.

All in all, quite scrumptious.

[clears throat]

Oh, so, Dad, Lloyd,

you plan on being here long or what?

Yeah, well, your mattress is a little soft for my taste.

-Yes. -So, I think I'm going to try

and make a dent in my book here.

[sighs]

Uh, you mind?

Thank you.

America, I might be able to stomach

giving up my doggone bed, but not my chair, never.

They tryin' to take over my whole doggone house,

and the Mac ain't having it.

First thing in the morning, they're out of here!

[whispers] They're out of here.

This is about it.

-Wanda… -Honey?

Yeah. Hold on, hold on, babe.

I need a vacation from your parents' vacation.

One of us got to leave, and I live here.

Baby, before you do anything,

something wonderful has happened.

What, they left?

[laughing]

Uncle Bernie,

Grandma made sunny-side up with bacon smiley faces.

-Grandma? -Yeah!

Grandpa's going to teach me how to fish.

Grandma, Grandpa.

Grandpa. Isn't that great?

That's nice.

Real nice.

Come join us for breakfast, son.

Hey, don't you look pretty this morning!

Oh, thank you.

She sure does.

Hey, baby.

Yes, honey.

-Drop it like it's hot. -Ooh, really?

-Uh-uh! -Oh, what?

No, she didn't.

[laughter]

Oh, my!

America, my baby Wanda was right.

Something wonderful has happened.

See, those grand pains in the ass

have become grandparents…

something those kids never ever had.

Look how happy they are.

And for that, America,

I could put up with almost anything.

They turned my frown into a smile.

-[Bryana] Grandma? -[Grandma] I'm in here, precious!

Oh, the sweet sound of grandparents, America.

I'm happy for those kids.

When they grow older,

they have fond memories of their grandparents,

just like I did about Big Mama.

Just imagine fresh-squeezed lemonade.

A quarter for being good.

Peach cobbler cooling on the windowsill.

[high-pitched] "Oh, it's not ready yet, baby."

"Get away from that cobbler before I knock you out."

[in normal voice] Oh, America, I remember it like yesterday.

I just hope they'll shower those kids with lots of love.

And maybe they get off my doggone back.

Hey, good morning, sweetie pie.

Why don't you sit down and let me make you some breakfast?

Uh, no, thanks. My ride will be here any minute.

You sure?

Grandma make a mean waffle.

She's not my grandmother.

Hey, hey, hey.

-[horns honking] -Be nice.

I got to go.

Ignorant.

It's all right.

You know, America…

see, it take Nessa a while to warm up,

if you know what I mean. Y'all know her.

Who can blame her?

See, her mama had a lot of people coming around

calling themselves cousins, aunts, and uncles.

A lot of uncles… if you know what I mean.

[school bell rings]

We'll walk her in.

Mama, you don't have to walk her in. School's right here.

-We can just go home. -Oh, relax, Hollywood.

What else have you got to do, huh?

Sit around and make that big old afro round?

[laughs]

Talkin' about? It ain't that doggone big.

-[school bell rings] -Ready for the history test on Friday?

No way.

Um, I could come over and help you study.

Well, we have people visiting. Oh, and besides,

any time a guy comes anywhere near me,

my Uncle Bernie gives this look like…

Let me see.

Call me if you need help.

What if I need help?

[laughs]

[sighs]

Thank you so much for coming.

You know, it is such a treat

to finally meet someone from Bryana's family.

What? Doesn't he ever visit?

I love to volunteer my time,

but with my busy schedule, I just don't have time.

You know, we're still looking for parents for the spring carnival.

Spring won't be a good time for me.

Sign him up.

Figures.

-[knocking] -[Wanda] Come in.

-Hi, babies. -Oh, hey, Mom.

Hey. Here's the kids' laundry.

-Oh, thank you, Mom. -Uh-huh.

[laughs] I, um, did this yesterday.

You did?

-Well, it looked kind of dingy. -[groans]

Little secret.

Just a quarter cup of bleach and just a pinch of baking soda.

Just thought I'd show you how it could look.

-Thank you. -Oh, you're so welcome!

"How it could look."

-Huh? -"How it could look."

Did she just say, "how it could look"?

-What, you ain't listening? -Okay, you know what?

She just wants me to… [takes deep breath]

Oh, come on. Do what? Come on. It's me.

Ooh, I want to pop!

-Pop go the weasel. -Oh!

Yesterday she showed me how to grease Bryana's scalp.

Said that it was too dry.

Nothing wrong with baby girl's scalp.

I know there ain't nothing wrong. I grease it all the time.

You know what? I was trying to be nice.

What about your food? She said your food's too salty.

-It's giving all the kids hypertension. -I know. She's crazy.

Salt don't give kids hypertension.

Overbearing mothers give kids hypertension.

-[screams] -[knocking]

[Lloyd] Can you keep it down in there?

Thank you.

I told you. You want me to call the big fellow?

-We'll smother him in his sleep. -No. It's my daddy.

You don't know that.

America, you know the problem with grandparents?

They're cocky.

Think they know everything.

They should concentrate

on buying presents and pinching cheeks

instead of telling me how to raise my kids.

See, I thought in-laws was bad, but grandparents are worse.

They makes my ass itch.

[chuckling]

Good morning.

Good morning.

Anything interesting in the world?

Oh, a bunch of stuff interesting in the world, Dad.

It say right here that dentists got the highest suicidal rate out of all doctors.

Yeah, and the highest homicide rate, too.

See, see, you can't let your guard down, King of Comedy.

No, you can't, you can't.

Oh, look, honey. They're having a modern art exhibit

-at the gallery downtown. -[mumbling] No.

Oh, why don't you both go? We'll watch the kids.

[both chuckling]

-Okay. -Okay. [chuckling]

Somebody make a joke?

No, Mom, Dad, we… we really

appreciate it, but I got so much I got to do.

I got to get baby girl, she got ballet at 2:00.

-Then I got to take Jordan, he got-- -Buh, buh, buh.

I think we can handle a couple of kids.

We do have 30 years in the business.

[Bernie and Wanda chattering]

Okay.

You forgot my tutu.

Oh. Okay, hold on.

[muttering]

[footsteps running]

[humming]

Okay, got the tutu, honey.

There you go.

Good?

Wait…

Hey, can I give you a ride somewhere?

Uh… no, thanks. My friends are coming to pick me up.

Oh… I was hoping we'd get to spend some girl time together.

-Maybe later. -Okay.

Have fun.

All right? Good.

-[knocking] -Grandma, I have to go tee-tee.

[Wanda chuckling]

Jordan!

Jordan, lunch is ready.

Jordan!

Oh… it's the last piece.

I'm having such a good time, I don't want to go home yet.

Who said we do? Let's get a bite to eat.

Shouldn't we call?

It's still early.

Hey, your parents and them got it under control.

They 30 years in the game.

-That's funny. -You like that?

You have to take off your tutu.

No!

You're going to give me a heart attack.

Mother, now, I'm getting a little worried.

[panting]

I still can't find that boy.

-Good, huh? -Mmm.

Mm-mm.

Jordan!

Jordan, where are you, boy?

Ow!

Oh, gee… Mother, I found him.

He's in the tree.

Boy, how did you get up there?

With my super powers.

-Your super powers? Get down here! -No!

Boy, don't make me get the hose.

[growls] Okay.

[whimpering]

Come on.

Come… Jordan, get down here.

[screaming]

Okay, okay, come on, son. Just… just calm down.

[sighing]

Honey, do you think we should call?

Oh, Wanda, baby, stop it, will you?

And just relax and enjoy your massage, okay?

You want me to call?

Thank you, ma'am.

[moans] Whoa.

He… I think I got the machine, baby.

Leave a message, honey.

-Lloyd? -What? What?

Lloyd, I hear Bernie's voice on the machine.

Well, then tell him… What, his voice?

Just hold on, son, hold on.

-Hold… just be… -Get me down!

[Bernie] We're just calling to check in.

Hello!

Trying to make sure everything okay.

Uh, if you like, you can call us back on our phone, okay?

-All right, bye-bye. -No, no, wait, wait, wait.

Come back, come back.

The boy is up a tree.

Mother… Mother, how do you get him back?

[Chuy] Hey, man, it's Chuy.

Let me know when those annoying grandparents are gone

so we can play some poker.

-Annoy… -[beep]

["Rescue Me" playing]

♪ Rescue me ♪

♪ Oh take me in your arms ♪

♪ Rescue me ♪

♪ I want your tender charms ♪

[Jordan shrieks]

♪ And I'm blue ♪

[Jordan] I'm okay!

[light applause]

♪ Come on and rescue me ♪

♪ Come on, baby ♪

What's going on?

Oh, my brother's up a tree again.

[distant whistling]

Can I come in?

Sure.

-[music playing] -Oh, I love this song.

Can you download it?

Sure. Let me show you how.

First…

click there.

And then… click there.

[door opening]

Um…

I better go.

[Bernie] …all day.

[giggling]

I ain't gonna be quiet in my own house.

-Shh… -Shoot…

Shush me baby, shoot.

-[gasps] -What?

Oh, Mom, Dad, uh… We didn't know you were up.

Do you two realize what time it is?

Oh, my God, um… we're, uh, sorry. [laughing]

-Have you two been drinking? -Just a little bit.

[laughing]

-We've been trying to call, but… -Yes, we have.

…but ain't nobody answer the phone.

We don't know how to work that computer.

[laughing]

It's an answering machine, Dad.

And we also figured that, you know,

there would be no problem in babysitting.

[clears throat] Seeing that you have 30 years of experience with your own kids.

What are you talking about?

Well, Mom, you've been treating us like we don't know what we're doing.

No, no, we're just trying to pass on

some helpful hints that we learned along the way.

No, you came in here like you were better than us.

Like you invented kids.

Like y'all got a manual.

If that's how you feel…

maybe we should leave.

Um, can I talk to you?

Sure, come on in, precious. Sit.

Am I in big trouble?

Oh. I didn't tell them.

-You didn't? -Uh-huh.

Vanessa, I had plenty of boyfriends when I was your age.

Oh, what? You think I was born married to that old man?

Oh! Honey…

I remember what it's like to be a young girl.

But I also remember what it's like to be a good girl now.

And a good girl minds her knickers,

you know what I'm saying?

[both chuckling]

Mmm.

So…

do you want to hang out for a while?

Oh, well, maybe next time, precious.

-Your grandfather and I are leaving. -Leaving?

But we were just getting to know each other, Grandma.

Baby, come on. I know, I know.

Why is Grandma leaving?

It's complicated, Nessa.

But they've only been here three days.

Baby, it's grown folks' business. You wouldn't understand.

-Don't worry about it, okay? -I understand.

Everybody's always leaving.

Oh, Nessa…

What am I doing, America?

Did y'all hear that girl?

I tell you what she said.

She said, "Grandma."

And that's probably the first time

she's said "Grandma" in her life.

I can't let them walk out that door.

See, sometimes, it's hard to see clearly

when another man's drinking out of your mug,

eating your fish filets, calling you a bad parent.

Sally up on the dunking booth.

But that's family, America.

And you all got the same thing, too.

So, America, excuse me.

I've got to go smooth things over.

♪ Gonna keep the family groove ♪

I ain't got nothing.

-[Lloyd] Bring it on, bring it on. -Oh-oh! Oh! Oh-oh! Oh!

Play 'em. Play 'em.

-Oh… [groaning] -Oh, yeah! Mother!

Drop it like it's hot.

Oh, baby.

Oh, that's nice. Real nice.

That was a…

She had it all!

I know it. You see it?

Even when they're trying to be nice, they're annoying.

Look at this. What the… is this?

[scoffs] Boy, I'm telling you.

Boy, they something else, man.

Suddenly I feel like I need a Bible.

The Lord work in mysterious ways.

All I need is a radio.

Make me want to spit.