Original subtitles

[opening theme music playing]

Saturday. America, my favorite day of the week.

Always has been.

Remember how much fun we had as kids?

[chuckling] Oh, man, we played baseball, broom ball, stickball,

stoop ball, punch ball, kick the can, anything and everything.

You know, we got married on Saturday.

There's so many good things to do on Saturday.

By the way, I was born on a Saturday. [chuckles]

There's always something to do, America, on Saturdays.

♪ It's a beautiful morning ♪

Bernie Mac log, 7:00 a.m.

On my way to play golf, that's right.

I mean, I'm starting my Saturday off right.

You know this is the best part of the day.

-And look at Wanda, still sleeping. -[snoring]

So peaceful, though.

How could such a beautiful woman

look so damn bad in the morning?

♪ You've got the time ♪

♪ It's your chance to wake up and plan ♪

-Hey, Jordan. -[snoring]

Jordan.

Come hit some golf balls with your uncle, man, come on.

I'll let you aim at the tractor guy in the cage.

-[snoring] -Lazy…

♪ So long ♪

♪ I've got to be on my way now ♪

Figures.

♪ Ain't no fun just hanging around ♪

[cartoon character on TV] Mm-hmm. What've we got here?

♪ I've got to cover ground ♪

Good morning, baby girl.

I said, "Good morning, baby girl."

Shh. I can't hear, Uncle Bernie.

Wasting a beautiful morning.

Mac Man's log, 10:45 a.m.

Still no sign of life.

Good morning, Jordan.

Uncle Bernie, you want to see my eye snot? It's huge.

Boy, it's 10:45 in the morning.

You just been picking your eye snot?

-Ow! -Boy, you nasty.

Hey, baby girl, you still watching TV?

[cartoon character on TV] Hey, it's the coppers!

[Bernie] Baby girl…

Don't you want to go outside and play today?

[cartoon music playing and gunfire]

What the hell you watching anyway?

Shh! Uncle Bernie, I can't hear!

Can you believe this, America?

What's wrong with these doggone kids?

Don't they know today is Saturday?

Where is their drive? Their lust for life?

They've done absolutely nothing.

Now, I'm going to ask you, America,

how long can this go on?

A person asleep can't catch nothing but a dream.

When I was…

[singer whistles]

♪ Yeah, I'm back ♪

-♪ I'm back ♪ -♪ Yes we are ♪

♪ I'm back ♪

♪ I'm back ♪

♪ I'm back ♪

♪ Get up off of that thing ♪

♪ And dance until you feel better ♪

♪ Get up off of that thing ♪

♪ And dance till you Sing it now ♪

♪ Get up off of that thing ♪

♪ And dance till you feel better ♪

♪ Get up off of that thing ♪

♪ Try to release that pressure ♪

♪ Get up off of that thing ♪

♪ And shake till you feel better ♪

♪ Get up off of that thing ♪

♪ And shake till you Sing it now ♪

[cartoon character] Now get up there!

♪ Shake till you feel better ♪

[groans]

We're having a family meeting.

Get up!

I know that's right.

Put some clothes on, Smallville.

Their lazy days are over.

Baby girl, come on, let's go.

Hey!

Don't make no sense. Y'all lazy.

Ain't no way I can sit around the house… [mutters]

Look at this. You see this?

This is outdoors.

And look at that. That's the sky.

What's that there? Grass.

That's right, kneel down and rub it.

Rub it. Get back over there.

[inhales] Ah.

Smell this fresh air.

-Smell it! -[coughs]

Yeah, hurt your chest. You ain't used to it.

That's right. That's right, smell it.

Look at the sun.

Don't look right at the sun, boy, it's just a figure of speech.

With your coke-bottle glasses,

man, it'd blow your head right off.

See, you kids got it too easy.

You all been lazing around here on Saturday.

Some things gonna change. 'Cause let me tell you something,

you keep this kind of nonsense up,

you're going to be weighing 300 pounds.

And, baby girl, believe me,

you won't be lovable at 300 pounds.

But from now on, it's going to change.

Each and every one of you all gonna takin' an activity on Saturday.

That's right, you can look sour all you want.

From now on, you all are going to learn how to seize the day

and suck the marrow out the bones of life.

-Can I put on my underwear? -No, you can't do nothing…

but dig the fresh air, nature. Nature!

All right, listen up, family.

I got some things I want you all to look through.

Baby girl… soccer.

That's going to be for you.

Every Saturday morning,

you're going to be outside playing with girls

and kids your size, doing something that you love.

What you think about that?

Good. Am I going to wear a uniform?

You sure do, sweetheart. Yes, you do.

Jordan, you find something in there you like?

Jazz dance.

Give me that. Give… Give it here.

Junior Scouts is going to be for you.

Scouts? What for?

Because it'll take the jazz dance out of you

and put a man inside you.

Do you think you might be overdoing it?

I mean, you know, parents are always overscheduling their kids.

Sweetheart, why don't you build a suggestion box and put that in there?

Let that be your activity, okay? I got this.

Vanessa, you see something in there you like?

No, these are kind of wack.

If you don't pick something I'm going to whack you upside your head.

You either pick something out of here or you find yourself a job.

I know one thing.

Every Saturday morning,

we're going to be up bright and early having fun.

Can you dig it?

This'll be great for them, America.

They're going to discover

the joys of getting out of the house.

Getting out of the house.

America, I just thought of something.

The more I give them to do on their own,

the less I have to do with them.

Even when I go to baby girl's soccer,

it's not like I'm playing or coaching. I'm just a fan.

I get to lounge in the sun.

Maybe I should become a Raider fan

and start a fight with another parent.

Excuse me, America.

I got to go practice my long-range spitting.

[spit pings in metal]

That's about five, five and a half feet.

♪ Saturday ♪

♪ In the park ♪

♪ I think it was the Fourth of July ♪

♪ People dancing ♪

Good, baby girl, good, that's it!

This is the life, huh?

Yep. Everybody wins.

[whistle blows]

All right, all right, parents, on your feet.

-Come on, let's go, let's go. -What the…

Now, Little People Soccer

takes a lot of big people to make it work.

If you're going to be here, you're going to be busy.

Now I'm sending around a sheet.

If you don't sign up,

I'll sign up for you.

And trust me, you don't want me to sign you up.

All right, now we have halftime refreshments,

post-game refreshments, first aid,

refereeing, practice coach, ball retriever,

dog and goose crap cleanup.

Ooh!

Nice kick, Montana.

[spits]

[spits] I should've let those kids sleep.

[spits]

Hey.

I got to do this for, you know, the doggone soccer team.

You know, cutting oranges for all the little girls.

You know, what did I get into, America?

Let me tell you something.

Before, my Saturdays were for me.

Now, I ain't got nothing against supporting baby girl,

but Bernie Mac didn't want to become some doggone

refreshment-bringing, crap-cleaning,

net-hanging, soccer mom flunky.

This don't make no doggone sense.

Baby girl, quit scuffing my floor with your cleats.

What are those?

Shin guards. They protect my shins.

-Really? -Ow! Ow!

-Uncle Bernie! -Quit fooling around, get in the car.

I got to take you to soccer. Come on now.

-What about my Scout meet? -You went last night.

That was just orientation.

For six hours?

You want to hang in your cape and drawers today?

-Really? -No, no, no, no, hold on, hold on.

Baby girl, I'll be right back. No.

Hey, Nessa, you find an activity yet?

No, but I'm working on a couple of leads.

Working on a couple of leads?

Yeah, a couple of strong leads.

Nessa…

Wanda!

Oh.

-Hey, baby. -Ooh.

Come here, I need you to do me a favor.

Take care of Jordan and the Scouts for me?

Oh, you gave up your Saturday, Bernie. This is my Saturday.

Come on, now, I ain't got no time for debate.

I gotta take baby girl to soccer.

I warned you about overscheduling those kids.

The clock's ticking. Just do this for me.

We're supposed to be a team.

Should I put that in my suggestion box?

Come on, baby, I ain't got no doggone time

for an "I told you so." I'm on goose duty.

Well, then maybe you should ask me a little bit better than that.

[softer] Come on, please?

All right, where I got to take them?

You ain't got to take them nowhere.

Somebody signed me up for "den mama."

-Thank you, baby. Yeah. -Den mama?

Okay.

The first thing we'll do is learn first aid.

Why?

In case anything happens.

Shouldn't we first learn how to gut a man

and then learn how to fix it?

-Yeah! -[shouting agreement]

No.

No. No!

Okay, come on, this'll be fun.

We'll start by talking about poison ivy.

What about poisonous snake bites?

-Yeah! Snakebites… -[shouting agreement]

We'll get into snakebites later.

How many snakebites does it take to kill a man?

I'm not sure.

-It depends on the snake. -[Wanda] Hey.

[curt chuckle] We're not talking about snakebites.

[groans]

-Hey, can you fix-- -Is this about snakes?

No.

Okay.

Can you use maggots to fix a snakebite?

[boys] Yeah!

[all talking animatedly]

-[all] Mmm. -Thank you.

Bernie.

-Hey. -Am I glad you're here.

The dad who was supposed to assistant coach

-didn't show up today. -Dirty.

Some parents actually just drop their kids off. You believe that?

[man] Go! Have fun! I'll be back in an hour.

[woman] Get in the car! Get in the car!

Hey, hey! Hey, hey! No, no.

Let them go, Bernie. We don't want their kind here.

-Yes, we do. -All right…

First thing I need for you to do is practice our kicks on goal.

What? I'm doing oranges.

-[whistle blows] -[woman] Water!

You better go get your daddy.

Come on, get-get some! [laughs]

[woman] Just stay here with the car!

Better come on with it.

-Best get your daddy. -[whistle]

You might want to let the girls get one or two in.

I'm not going to let them a dog…

-[girls laughing] -They got two.

[clears throat]

Oh! If we're stuck in the wilderness

and we have to eat each other,

do we have to eat the butt?

Ugh!

[all talking animatedly]

Ugh!

-Shut up! -[talking stops]

Wouldn't it suck if we did eat the butt,

and then we were found, like, a hour later?

Oh!

[talking starts]

I mean, he's got a point.

Yeah… that would suck.

Oh. Ooh.

[grunts]

Look here, Mr. Coach Man, I can't do it no more.

You saw what happened, man.

One of those urchins hit me again, I declare before the Lord--

Not a problem, Bernie.

Why don't you take a break from coaching, huh?

Thank you, Coach, I appreciate that.

Huh! You could help us out by refereeing the rest of the scrimmage.

-Refereeing? -Yeah.

But I don't know the rules.

Just keep 'em from bunching.

What's bunching?

When they run after the ball

-at the same time in a bunch… -Uh-huh?

…it's called bunching.

-[blows whistle] -Bunching.

What kind of bull…

Look, America, I didn't sign up for this crap.

Look at me.

Look like I should be working at Foot Locker.

Bunching. [sighs]

[blows whistle]

[Bernie] Good, come on. No bunching.

No bunching. Spread out!

Get off… get off her…

Wait, wait… [blows whistle] You're bunching.

I don't want you to bunch. Spread out.

Get off… get off her…

Wait, wait… [blows whistle]

[sighs] Listen, ladies, let… let me explain something to you.

I truly don't believe you all understand

the concept of bunching.

See, right now you're in a bunch.

Out there, you're not supposed to be in a bunch.

I want you to stay where you're supposed to be

until the ball comes to you.

For example, you, you're my goalie.

I want you to stay by the goal.

You're my forward.

I want you to stay forward.

Twins, you're my halfbacks.

So I want you to stay half back.

I don't want you to move.

I don't care if a butterfly flies past your head…

don't move.

I don't care if Barbie drives up

in her pink convertible. Do not move.

Stay where you're supposed to be.

Do you understand me?

[ice cream truck music playing]

[all shouting] Ice cream!

[shouting continues]

Bunch of dummies.

Okay, all right, run, you little…

[high-pitched] "Ice cream!"

[in normal voice] Yeah, yeah, I hope you choke on the stick.

[sighs weakly]

All right, one more time,

the rabbit comes out of the hole…

Wait, where's Mark?

-[laughing] -Oh…

-Oh, my! -[muffled grunting]

Oh, you boys are so bad!

-You are so freakin' hot. -[all laugh]

Why you little…

"Freakin' hot"? Bernie, "freakin' hot."

Um, baby, come on, now.

No, I did not give up my leisurely Saturdays

so I could hear some little monster…

-This ain't the right time. -…tell me I'm freakin' hot.

Baby, Am… America. America.

Oh, oops.

Sorry.

We'll talk.

She is freakin' hot.

I'm freakin' tired.

-Mmm… -[dog barking]

Uncle Bernie, guess what?

I just got a job walking neighborhood dogs.

Isn't that great?

[loud barking]

Oh, don't worry. He won't bite.

[barking]

You know what, America? See, my Saturday has gone to the dogs, as you can see.

America, I want to let you know something.

They're stinky, they're messy and they're nasty.

And I'm talking about the little girls.

That's right, I said it.

See, they say little girls should be made

of sugar and spice and everything nice.

Smokey said that.

He's a damned liar.

'Cause I'd rather be around these dogs.

It's like they were there to torture me.

Bernie, I can't do it again.

Baby, I know, I know.

I got to try to trick baby girl

into quitting, you know?

Maybe I'll tell her she's allergic to grass.

You know, she's cute, but she ain't that bright.

-That's wrong. -[chuckling]

[knocking]

Uncle Bernie, can I quit soccer?

Yes!

♪ It'll bubble you clean It'll bubble you up… ♪

Yeah… yeah, baby girl.

You don't have to play soccer if you don't like it.

I like it, but I just think we stink.

What? You don't stink.

But all we do is bunch.

Oh…

Are you going to let her quit?

No, I can't let her quit.

[sighs] You can't either.

-[whistle blows] -Look here, girls.

I don't want to see you in a bunch.

I don't want to hear you in a bunch.

I want you all to play like 7-year-olds.

Now, I know what you're thinking: How come we can't bunch?

Next time you're in a bunch, Megan, what do you do?

-Not bunch. -There you go.

Next time you want to bunch, Julia?

Go to the open space!

Good girl, Julia, good girl. Twins, if you see the ball

in front of the goal, what do you do?

-Not bunch! -Not bunch!

No, you kick the ball in the goal!

Trick question. A little advanced.

All right. What we going to do?

[all] Win!

How we going to do it?

Find the open spaces!

Which means what's what?

[all] No bunching!

There you go, girls. Everybody huddle up in here. Huddle up!

No more bunching!

Good, Number Six. Put your hand here!

Let me here you say, "bump and grind."

[all] Bump and grind!

Now go get them! Let's get them! Let's go!

-[girls screaming] -Let's go.

He's into it.

I hear he's just an uncle.

Oh, figures.

We ought to get him to coach basketball.

-Yeah. -Mmm…

[grunting]

[boy] Give me the bandana!

-[boys screaming] -[sighs]

I'm… Give me the bandana!

-You understand me? Give it… -[Wanda] All right.

I guess you guys don't want to learn to make fire.

Fire?

-Fire. -Fire.

Fire?

What we have here is kindling,

and these two are my fire sticks.

Shall I go on, or would you guys like to keep playing?

Anyone says another word, no fire.

Anyone asks another silly question,

no fire.

And trust me,

if you're ever trapped in the wilderness

and you have to eat somebody's butt,

then you're going want to know how to start a fire.

So listen up.

If you guys are good, once we make the fire,

then we can cook up some hot dogs and some burgers

on your homemade fire.

-Can we use-- -Ah! I hope that's not a question.

Shut up.

[panting and growling]

Okay, let's see.

25, 50, um, and then,

the big one's Lulu, that's 200.

[dogs whining]

Don't bunch! Come over here.

Look all this space, baby girl.

Get…

Right here. Look, look, look.

Girls, girls, come over here.

Girls!

[sighs]

[blowing]

Come on… [blowing]

[sighs] Why don't you guys start preparing the burgers.

It'll be any second now.

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah…

[dogs whimpering, barking]

No!

Come on, baby girl! Come on, come on, girl!

[barking continues]

♪ Let's leave today ♪

♪ Let's get away ♪

They're coming for the burgers!

[boys shouting]

[dogs barking]

-[gasps] -A spark!

Did you see?

-I made fire! -[laughs]

♪ So you say you tried ♪

♪ But you just can't find the pleasure ♪

♪ People around you ♪

Ew!

♪ Givin' you pressure ♪

♪ Tryin' to resist all the hurt That's all around ya ♪

Thatta girl! Go!

Don't stop. What you stopping for?

-[screaming] -[dogs barking]

You can't…

[dogs barking, boys shouting]

Oh, my God!

[growling]

♪ Get away ♪

[children clamoring]

Uncle Bernie, the beef!

Oh! Jordan, what're you doing?

Get this meat on the front of my…

[growling]

-[barking, crunching] -[Bernie screams]

[growling]

[whimpers]

[high-pitched] Yeah…

my Saturdays are all gone, America.

My Saturday nights, too.

Be careful what you get into.

Laziness is underrated.

If you're lucky enough to have kids

who like to stare at holes in the ceiling, let 'em stare.

Lazy kids make a very lazy Saturday,

and there ain't nothing wrong with that. Nothing!

[sighs]

I'm a big man.

[high-pitched] I'm a lot of man.

-I'm a lot of… [laughing] -[crew laughing]

[in normal voice] I messed up, dawg.

-No, you got it. -Oh…

That was it.

-You got the whole thing. -Aw…

Let me do it again, let me do it again.

[laughter]

Oh…

[man] That was it, wasn't it?

Let me do it one more time, man.

-[man] All right. -For safety.