Original subtitles

[opening theme music playing]

America, let me show you something.

Look at that.

America, that's Bernie Mac in happier times.

A sparkle in my eye, a song in my heart.

Now, this is me now, one year later.

A beaten man.

No sparkle, no song.

I think I even lost a shade.

But you know why?

It's them kids.

They're relentless,

pecking at me like a bunch of woodpeckers.

[Jordan] Uncle Bernie?

Woodpecker.

I'm off duty!

[Jordan] Uncle Bernie!

America, I ain't never off duty.

What is it, Woody?

[imitates Woody] Guess who?

♪ Cause I got work to do ♪

♪ I got work, baby ♪

♪ Got work to do ♪

-♪ I've got to give ♪ -♪ Got work to do ♪

-♪ I got work to do ♪ -♪ Got work to do ♪

♪ So much work, yeah, yeah ♪

♪ Work , work ♪

♪ I'm taking care of business ♪

♪ Woman, can't you see? ♪

♪ I got to make it for you ♪

♪ Got to make it for me ♪

♪ But sometimes it might seem That I've neglected you ♪

♪ But I would love to spend more time ♪

♪ I've got so many things to do ♪

♪ I got work to do ♪

-♪ I've got work, baby ♪ -♪ Got work to do ♪

♪ I've got to give, yeah ♪

-♪ I've got work to do ♪ -♪ Got work to do ♪

♪ Got so much work, yeah, yeah ♪

♪ Whoo! ♪

-Hey, baby. -Hey, baby.

-Kids in bed? -Mm-hmm.

Good, because I've been waiting for this.

Oh, yeah?

I'm gon' rock your world, baby.

[chuckles]

[spritzing perfume]

[sultry music playing]

[snoring softly]

[clicks tongue and sighs] Not again.

[clicks tongue]

Guess it's ladies' night.

-[snoring] -[bath water running]

That's a damn shame.

Hold on, now.

Don't listen to him.

America, Bernie Mac's still packin' the heat.

But y'all seen the day I had. Come on, now.

But ain't no need to worry. It ain't no thing.

I take care of my baby Wanda.

I keep her plenty happy.

Four weeks, baby.

It's been four weeks.

I… I… I know, baby, I know.

H… Hold that thought.

Yo, kids!

Come on and get your breakfast 'fore I go 'side your head!

See what I go through, sweetheart?

And I'll be the first to admit,

I know I ain't been hitting for average lately.

-Or power. -Oh, baby, come on, that's cold.

I mean, these kids 24/7.

Only free time I got is peeing.

I mean, I clean this house up from top to bottom

so they can come ruin it. They wearing me out.

I mean, Bernie, I would love to help you, but I'm at work all day.

Yeah, I know.

Uh, maybe we should consider hiring someone.

I'm not getting no maid.

Ugh! But if you had some help,

it would free you up to do some… other things.

Wanda, I wasn't raised to have no maid.

I was raised by a maid.

I'll leave you with that thought.

Dirty.

And before that, I was a personal maid to Barbra Streisand,

and before that…

I sense evil in this house.

Next!

I do windows, I do floors, I do closets.

Is there anything that you won't do?

Next!

I know what you're thinking,

but I'm as fit as a--

[coughing]

[hacking cough]

[wheezing]

[weakly] I could start right away.

No.

Broiler hasn't been cleaned in a month.

You eat a lot of meat. [sniffing]

London broil…

[sniffing] Heavily seasoned.

Wow.

That's some nose you got on you, woman.

You better not go in that boy room.

Oh, Señor Bernie, I have three sons.

Believe me, I have smelled it all.

Anything you need me to do, I can do it.

When can you start?

[speaking Spanish]

This is stupid.

If you hired a maid, why are we cleaning our rooms?

Because I don't want the lady to know

how disgusting you kids are.

Why?

Respect, that's why.

That lady is somebody's mother.

Now, I want this place spick-and-span.

I want to make Lydia's job easy, you hear?

Can I have some privacy, please?

Oh, stankin'!

Oh, my God.

Lydia, what's going on around here?

Looks so clean, it feel like heaven.

Thank you. Thank you, Señor Bernie.

Um, Lydia, is there anything I could do to help?

You are so kind, Señor Bernie.

Uh, please…

this is what I do.

Now… you go do what you need to do.

♪ At last ♪

♪ My love has come along ♪

-[contented groan] -[chuckling]

Ah, tomorrow she gets a raise.

-Okay. -Okay.

-[chuckling] -Mmm.

Mmm… smell that.

America, the whole house smells like clean.

That woman is fantastic, and that's not a plug.

See, I personally can't believe I ever survived without Lydia

and it makes me feel good, too,

because now I have the opportunity to give her

one big thing that Big Mama never had on her job,

and that's respect.

See, keeping this house clean is a big task

and I'm going to make sure she knows I appreciate it.

[Wanda] You hungry, Bernie?

[Bernie chuckles seductively]

[chuckles] You think I ain't?

Listen, as soon as you're all done with your plate

I want you to go and clean it up.

Just because we got a maid don't mean you get to be slobs.

Okay?

Oh, my God.

Lydia, when you get a chance,

can you please clean out the refrigerator? It smell funky in there.

Sí, Señor Bernie. I do it after I clean the bathrooms.

Thank you, sweetheart.

Is there something I could get you?

Would you like a sandwich?

No, ma'am.

Uh, I'll take one.

Me, me.

You shut your mouth.

She's not your slave.

And y'all clean your plate up.

Get up.

Oh, no, por favor, mis hijos.

I will do that.

But Uncle Bernie--

[both] Thank you, Lydia.

-Thank you. -Por nada.

Why does Uncle Bernie get to enjoy the maid and we don't?

Yeah, I want a slave.

Not a slave…

We do chores, why can't she make our lives easier, too?

Hmm…

Oh, you need something from the fridge?

Uh, could you make us a snack?

Oh, I'm sorry, mis hijos,

I have to clean this for Señor Bernie.

Oh, Señor Bernie said to tell you to make us a snack.

Oh, I see, Mr. Jordan.

What would you like?

-A ham and cheese. -Okay.

With turkey, and lightly toasted wheat bread,

mayo, uh, mustard, onions, tomatoes, and a pickle?

Bryana?

I'll take coconut shrimp.

[sighs]

Oh, Lydia, thank God.

Look, I need you to iron something for me.

Miss, I must clean the kitchen for Señor Bernie.

No, it's okay.

Uncle Bernie said you could do my stuff first.

Come on.

Thanks, Lydia.

Oh…

Riper than a diaper.

I thought… Lydia! Lydia…

Sí, Señor Bernie?

Lydia, I thought I asked you to clean this.

What's going on?

I am sorry, I was just finishing the laundry.

Well, I guess that's okay.

Long as you get it right now.

Right away, Señor Bernie.

Yeah, thank you.

Be cool, Bernie.

Cut her some slack.

You know, just think about how they treated Big Mama. Yup.

But I just don't get it, America.

What could she have been doing all day?

[Bryana whinnying]

Faster, faster!

[Lydia panting]

Oh, all right, Bryanita,

I have to put you down.

I have to get my work done.

Okay, we can play later.

[agreeing in Spanish]

[exhales]

Man, isn't this great?

Hey, why don't you get us some drinks?

Don't mind if I do.

-[bell ringing] -[sighs]

Oi, that bell.

Oh, my God.

You got to be kidding me.

Lydia.

[gasps]

Listen, we have to talk.

Oh, Señor Bernie…

It's about your work.

-[bell ringing] -Second bell.

Second what?

Mr. Jordan call.

He's not as nice as Señor Bernie.

Ly…

[bell ringing]

Yes, Mr. Jordan?

Um, Lydia, Uncle Bernie said

-you should get us some drinks. -[sighs]

What would you like?

Ah, surprise us.

You got it.

You believe that?

Do you believe that, America?

Those kids are misappropriating my doggone work force,

forging my work orders, and the worst part about it,

that sweet, lovable Lydia almost lost her job, I tell ya.

Oh, I should have known.

I should have known.

Always trust a stranger over those kids.

Always trust a stranger.

A stranger, I tell ya.

Trust a stranger.

Oh, Lydia, I can't apologize enough.

I'm so sorry.

It's okay, Señor Bernie.

I have five kids of my own.

Well, you understand.

Actually, no. My children would never behave this way.

If they did, I would have their heads.

Well, why would you let them behave that way?

They're not my kids.

But what if they were your kids?

Ah…

Come on, come on, now.

Come on.

[speaking Spanish]

Uh-huh.

[speaking Spanish]

Yeah.

Hey, Bruno, Bruno Sammartino, yeah.

I don't know what she said, America,

but I think it needs to be done.

It's gonna be a ass-whipping fiesta.

America, I still can't get over how nasty those kids were to Lydia,

but things are going to change.

I've given her full authority to do as she pleases.

And if she want to string 'em up like a piñata,

and beat the candy out of them, so be it.

I'm turning off the Nanny-cam.

Go ahead, Lydia, do what you got to do.

I ain't mad at you.

Bernie Mac is right behind you.

Chiclets. [chuckles]

[bell ringing]

Lydia, didn't you hear us ringing for you?

You mean your little bell?

Yes, I heard it.

Hey!

I sent away for that.

That was a genuine Liberty Bell.

It had a crack in it and everything!

Aw… maybe I put a crack in your head.

You have to do what we tell you. Uncle Bernie said so.

Oh, really?

Maybe we go and ask him.

[all] No, no, no. No.

[Vanessa] We don't have to ask him.

We live here. You work for us.

Yeah, and now I command you to do my math homework!

You want to do the math?

Okay. I will count to the number three.

If you are still here, I kill you.

You can't threaten us.

Who is going to stop me?

And then she crushed Jordan's bell,

and then she threatened us.

Come on, Nessa, I don't believe that.

-Yeah, I know. -Wow. Were you afraid?

How about baby girl, was she trembling?

Jordan, he wet on himself? Tell me everything.

Wait, you're cool with this?

Cool with it? I authorized it. I'm Bernie Machiavelli.

Don't nothing go down in this house unless I know about it.

You all been messing with my maid.

I'm gon' tell you something, that's very disrespectful.

Now it's time for you all to pay the piper.

Ugh!

"Ugh" nothing. That's right,

Nessa, there's a new sheriff in town.

Her name is Lydia.

Now you make sure you tell baby girl and Jordan

she be coming, because she be coming!

[Jordan] Man, that's wrong. He's turned her into a monster.

It's like having two Uncle Bernies.

Yeah, and that's two too many.

One of them's got to go.

Which one?

And Uncle Bernie's not going to fire her,

so we're going to have to make her quit.

It's up to you, Jordan.

You can drive anyone away.

Oh, you think so? Aw, shucks. [chuckles]

[cackles evilly]

Stop it!

-Just warming up. -Great.

[cackles evilly]

-Okay, stop. -Okay.

[Spanish pop music playing]

Good luck, Jordan.

Luck has nothing to do with it.

-[scream] -[yells]

[screeching] Oh! You monster!

You did that on purpose!

Ugh!

[sighing]

Hey, hey, Lydia! Where you going?

Señor Bernie, I'm sorry.

I cannot stay in this place.

Lydia, don't mind us, we just acting a little crazy,

you know how this family is.

That's not it.

I raised my hand in anger.

I never did this before.

But it's not like you hit the boy.

You don't understand. If I stay here one more day,

I will kill this boy!

Lydia! Don't deny yourself.

[car engine starts]

He's going to have fun giving it to us.

Maybe not.

America, I can't believe them kids

acting that way to my poor Lydia.

It's outrageous, despicable. They're like evil concentrate,

and I'm going to tell you something.

I won't stand for it.

They're going to regret this one--

Uncle Bernie,

we really regret what we did.

What you say, girl?

We shouldn't have treated Lydia like that.

We were wrong.

You damn right it was wrong.

What you all did was just totally out of--

Unacceptable. Totally unacceptable.

We weren't trying to hurt the slave…

I mean, Lydia.

We were trying to hurt you.

Yeah, hurt you.

Me?

That's scandalous.

It still doesn't make it right. We know.

Yeah, you know.

-Well, do you also know-- -[Bryana] We were wrong?

Yeah, we know.

Well, I hope you kids don't think this is going to get you out of--

Our punishment is no TV for a week.

And no ice cream.

And now we're going to our rooms to think about what we did.

Go to their rooms?

And go Nessa, "Yeah, and we're going to think

about what we're done."

I bet they not going to whup their own asses.

All right, fine.

Let them punish themselves.

And I'm going to go to their rooms

and commend them for their good behavior.

[Bernie] Hey, Nessa?

Can you take a break from feeling sorry for yourself

and come here, please?

Thank you!

Hi.

Come here, baby, sit down.

Well, first of all, I want to say I'm truly impressed

with the way you all was able to look deep down inside

and see the wrong of your ways.

You all seem genuinely remorseful.

That makes me proud.

Matter of fact, I like that feeling.

I want to feel even prouder.

Heh. I want to swell with proud.

Whoo.

Nessa, you call this a crease?

Come on, baby, you can do better than that.

All right, listen up, everybody.

I want the nightgowns in cold water wash and tumble dry low.

I want my pants hung and my jeans folded.

And that there looks like it's about five loads,

so that should take you up to bedtime.

And if you don't make it, I'll let you stay up late.

And don't come upstairs until you're done.

Oh, by the way…

it's not nice when you treat people like this, is it?

[giggles] Whoo!

What did we do to deserve this?

I guess we were pretty mean to Lydia.

Whoa! Look what I found in Uncle Bernie's pocket.

$100!

Maybe we should send that to her.

Yeah, send her $100.

Or let's send her $20.

[cackles evilly]

[clears throat]

[groans]

[giggles]

America, I think those kids have learned their lesson.

They won't be mistreating people anymore.

And you don't have to worry about Lydia.

She got a better job. That's right.

She got hired by Kiefer Sutherland up the street,

and he ain't got no bad-ass kids.

And speaking of bad-ass kids, my drink need refreshing.

[bell rings]

Ah, thank you, Jordan, for refreshing my drink. Thank you.

Will there be anything else, sir?

I don't think so, Jordan, I don't think so.

-Very good, sir. -Very good.

And very good, America. Very, very good.

My tea. Good boy.

Lydia ain't no Big Mama.

She been taking advantage of my Bernie Mac good dog disposition.

I'm sorry, America,

there's about to be a domestic disturbance up in this piece.

She got to go.

Hmph. "All Latinos ain't lazy." You saw her.

[imitates snoring]

Legs wide open.

Good thing I'm a Christian.

You know… Move on.