Original subtitles

[opening theme music playing]

Oh, I'm sorry…

America, I was just reflecting on all my blessings.

You know, Bernie Mac has so much, of course

and I'm happy to share with those kids. You know that.

You know, there's a time when those kids, they was living from hand to mouth.

But I've been doing all right by them.

I put food in their belly, clothes on their back

and a roof over their heads.

I think I really provided an environment

for them to really grow.

Matter of fact, America, check this out. Come here.

[clears throat] Look, right here, this was baby girl

when she first got here.

This is her now.

Right here, that's Jordan, of course.

This him now.

And this one right here is Nessa.

But the only question I really have, America, is…

[shouting] who in the hell been writing on my wall?

[softly] Excuse me, America.

I got to go stunt one of those kids' growth.

Damn! I done told you about writing up in here!

Don't come at me with that project stuff, I done told you!

Pass the milk?

Uncle Bernie, Jordan used all the milk.

No, he didn't. We have plenty of milk.

Hey, what happened to the other one?

That one's been gone.

But I want cereal.

I'll tell you what.

I'm gonna make you something better than cereal.

I'll make you some of

Uncle Bernie's famous French toast. How about that?

Do other people know about it? 'Cause how can it be famous?

Shut up and eat your cereal, boy.

Vanessa, do you know about Uncle Bernie's famous French toast?

-What? -See? It's not famous.

What happened to all the bread?

I fed the beast.

Boy, I swear I don't know how you eat so doggone much.

I'm a growing boy.

Maybe I was zapped by gamma rays like the Hulk.

You don't want to make me angry.

I'm turning green, Uncle Bernie! I'm turning green!

Jordan, if you don't sit down and eat,

I'm going to turn you black and blue. Eat.

So what's for breakfast?

I tell you what's going to be for breakfast.

Some of Uncle Bernie's famous pancakes.

Hey… what happened to the eggs?

Okay, yeah, pancakes

coming…

up.

-Uncle Bernie. -Huh?

I can't cut my pancakes.

I told you you needed eggs.

[chuckling]

Look at this.

America, look at all these receipts.

I mean, that's five trips to the grocery store this week.

I mean, I spent over $400 alone.

See, what I need to do, I ought to visit

one of those starving countries you see on TV

and learn their secret…

how to feed kids on 11 cents a day.

Look at this stuff. Look at this stuff.

Candy bars, ice cream, uh, uh, chocolate cereal,

vanilla cereal, Captain cereal…

[sighs]

I know I bought twice as much and it better last twice as long.

I want y'all to get out of here and I don't want to see y'all

in this kitchen till dinnertime.

Go on, scat.

[sighs]

Let me see.

Oh, come on!

How the hell this happen, in the car?

They're a plague, America, like locusts.

Oh, it's biblical.

They're vermin, rats.

Well, I tell you one thing, America.

I know how to handle rats.

[loud snap]

Yeah, yeah.

[Wanda] Bernie Mac!

Uh-oh, wrong mouse.

[W.B.] What's wrong with Wanda's hand?

Accidentally put a mousetrap in that doggone Snap & Crack

trying to stop them kids from eating us out of house and home.

Kids eat a lot, man. That's par for the course.

No, no, Chuy. You don't understand, man. I go to the doggone store so much now

the security guard don't even follow me around.

-For real? -I'm serious.

-They treat you like a real customer? -Sometimes.

-Oh, man, you know what your problem is? -What?

You're going to the supermarket.

Where the hell I supposed to shop?

Cost… Depot.

I don't know.

I don't know about no Cost Depot, Chuy.

Trust us.

Bam!

[laughing]

[theme song from 2001: A Space Odyssey playing]

Damn!

Something just happened, America.

Something wonderful.

Bernie Mac has been blessed in bulk.

[theme song from 2001: A Space Odyssey continues]

The Mac Man is finally happy.

That's right, America.

I got peanut butter, bread, crackers, chips, cookies,

tuna fish-- chunk light, chunk white.

I got cranberry, cran-grape, I got every cran known to man.

America, there'll be no more running out to the stores

for the Mac family

'cause we ain't running out of nothing.

I have salsa, hot sauce, wine, paper towels, swimps,

oatmeal cookies, Cheerios, Oreos.

I have tissue.

I've got enough toilet tissue to wipe my family's ass for two years.

Oh, we got sardines, peaches, Mountain Dew…

we got it.

♪ Follow me go shopping ♪

♪ Me go shopping ♪

♪ Gonna follow me ♪

Hey, Wanda, look at this.

I defy the kids to go through this in one day.

Ah, well, you don't have to worry. They won't be able to lift it.

Shoot, I like these cans.

You don't even need a pot. Just put it right on the stove.

[laughs] Oh, hey, honey, don't put it up so high.

Okay.

This is the last of it.

[sighs] I'm tired.

Thanks.

♪ She was smooth and never rough ♪

Okay.

[grunting]

♪ Her name was Mary Mitten ♪

♪ Soft like a kitten ♪

♪ The diamond that she wore ♪

♪ Makes my eye glisten ♪

♪ I told her not to kiss him ♪

Hey, Uncle Bernie's throwing away food.

Bernie?

-What shall I do with it? It won't fit. -So you're just going to throw it out?

Would you want me to take it back? It's a final sale.

Besides, baby girl,

we got 20 more pounds in the freezer. Don't be so greedy.

Okay, so I was able to make room for the jumbo mustards

-and pickles and things. -Mm-hmm.

So what are we going to do with that?

Those are my clothes.

Well… I never seen you wear this before.

This is so unfair.

Well, Vanessa, life is unfair.

Keep on living.

Here, put this underneath the bed.

[Vanessa groans angrily]

America, the girl is so doggone selfish,

where else am I supposed to put those gallon and a half cranberry juices?

I need shelves!

Wait a minute. Wait.

Didn't I see some shelves at Cost Depot?

And I think they were on sale, six for one.

Oh, America, I know what you're thinking--

Bernie Mac, you said you weren't going to make a lot of trips to the supermarket.

I'm not going to the supermarket.

I'm going to Cost Depot.

So mind your own business.

Mind your damn business.

♪ Just gimme some more ♪

Wow.

♪ Just gimme some more ♪

♪ Just gimme some more ♪

♪ Just gimme some more ♪

♪ Just gimme some more ♪

♪ Just gimme some more ♪

Like this.

♪ Just gimme some more ♪

♪ Just gimme some more ♪

♪ Just gimme some more ♪

[sighs]

♪ Just gimme some more ♪

♪ Just gimme some more ♪

♪ Just gimme some more ♪

[Wanda] A chainsaw?

Yeah, baby, we got to get rid of that gardener.

No, we're not.

-What is this? -Oh, sweetheart, this is a creeper.

You slide it underneath the car and change the oil. Stuff like that.

You haven't changed a quart of oil in your life.

All the money we been throwing away,

sweetheart, this is going to save us thousands of dollars, honey.

Come on, Wanda.

Okay, so just tell me where we're going

to keep all this, even with the new shelves.

Doggone it, baby, that's what I forgot!

That's what I went there for, the shelves!

Doggone it!

I'll be right back.

Uh, baby, you have a problem.

You got to stop going to Cost Depot!

Never!

[revving]

[grunts] Hulk is ready!

Are you sure we're supposed to be wasting all the toilet paper?

We're not wasting anything.

There's a million rolls.

What if we ran out?

We'll just buy more.

Start stuffing my back.

I wonder if you poo a million times…

I wonder if you…

Okay, okay, that's enough.

[gruffly] Hulk is ready!

[grunting]

[chomping]

What are you guys doing?

Having a cereal tasting.

It's like a wine tasting.

[spitting]

Sweet with a hint of oat.

Let's try one more.

Hey, that was my shoe.

Mmm, hey.

What's the difference with this shrimp and the one in aisle four?

Well, these come with three different sauces and…

You look familiar.

Oh, you probably saw me on TV.

No, no, you were here this morning.

And you were here yesterday.

-You… you come here a lot, don't you? -Let's move on. Thank you.

No…

Thank you. Thank you, ma'am.

Whoa…

Look at all the puddings.

-I bet I could eat, like, 50 of them. -[scoffs]

Yeah, right. Nobody could eat 50 puddings.

You want to bet?

[flushing]

[laughing]

[gasping]

Oh, Lord.

Who in the…

Ow!

What the…

Ooh… Ooh…

Oh, they're in so much trouble.

-[muttering angrily] -[Bryana laughing]

[knocking]

Hello?

Hey. Bryana, what are you doing?

-T.P. races. -[toilet gurgling]

Well, stop before you back it up.

[gasping]

Oh, my God.

What is going on?

Oh, my God.

Start mopping.

We got to go faster. We got to go faster!

I can't look at another pudding.

Let's throw the rest out.

You said you could eat 50, quitter.

[sighing]

Okay, okay.

Eat.

-But it was an accident. -Was this an accident, too?

I just don't understand what's gotten into you.

There's lots more cereal.

That's not the point.

What's wrong with you?

Oh, my, cover your mouth.

[groaning]

[Wanda] Damn.

["Stairway to Heaven" playing]

♪ Here we go ♪

♪ Still in a moment of pleasure ♪

♪ You and I ♪

♪ We're gonna find the pirate's treasure ♪

Hey, look what I got my baby.

I got shower gel, body oil, and bubble bath.

And of course, some candy.

I can't wait to see her face.

Hey, baby, look what I got for…

♪ Climbing the stairway to heaven ♪

You.

That's not the reaction I expected at all.

America, Wanda's mad, but I don't blame her though.

Those damn kids would drive anyone to drink

because they're terrors.

But how's she going to blame Cost Depot?

Cost Depot ain't done nothing. Ain't got nothing to do with it.

Cost Depot going to save her life.

Cost Depot going to ride to her rescue on a big white aspirin.

Blame Cost Depot?

See, that's that liquor talking.

See, that's why I don't…

Every now and then, you know, every…

A little bit.

Come on now, Wanda. You're going a little bit too far with this.

You weren't here. They were wasteful little varmints.

Well, locking all the food up in the shed, come on.

It's the only way they're going to control themselves.

See that?

See what you drove your aunt to?

Y'all had it going on, but your greed had to mess it up for everybody.

Now go and wave bye-bye to all food, wave.

Better yet, go on in the house.

Just selfish.

That makes my butt itch when y'all do things like that.

-What are you doing? I just locked that. -I got to get me something, baby.

We have dinner in an hour.

When we eating so I won't overlap? If we're having chicken

I'll get me some Butter Boy cookies, okay? We're having, we're having chicken?

We must be having chicken.

We're having chicken.

Moderation, America. That's the key.

But the kids didn't realize that.

They got carried away.

But if they would have used some moderation,

they wouldn't be eating out of a shed.

America, we're having chicken.

A couple cookies before, you know…

Won't overlap myself, you know.

Couple cookies.

You know.

Uncle Bernie, we're starving.

-You just got through eating. -Yeah, but we didn't get dessert.

That's because you're on punishment. Now you all can have punishment dessert.

Put some sugar on a beet and suck it.

But we want cookies.

You just had snack, baby girl.

Your Aunt Wanda don't want you to have anything more.

Oh, come on. You have a key to the shed, and she won't even know.

Let me tell you something. You kids don't know me very well, do you?

It'll be a cold day in hell before I go behind Aunt Wanda's back.

Can you dig it?

Now I said nobody's going in that shed and I mean nobody.

Y'all get on out of here.

Go on, go on.

Go behind Aunt Wanda's back.

Come on, now.

Oh…

Who done changed the doggone lock?

I changed the lock.

You mean you changed the lock without my consent?

-You're not fit to have a key. -What?

When you can show restraint, then you can have it back.

You're talking to me like I'm one of those kids?

-You are acting like one of those kids. -I am not.

Bernie, you have been out there six times today

getting chips and cookies

and whole loaves of rosemary bread.

You've been throwing down ever since you started going to Cost Depot.

You are out of control.

-Oh, I'm out of control? -Out of control.

I'm out of control? I'm the one buying food around here.

You bought that little building. That's out of control.

Bernie, the conversation, just like that little building out there,

is closed.

What you… what… what you… what you mean it's closed?

Can you believe that, America?

Wanda shut down the store.

The store I opened.

She got it all twisted.

I ain't one of those damn kids,

so why she got to treat me like one?

I'm not a kid.

[child-like] I just want one of those great Zots.

[metal creaking]

Shh.

Okay, you're on.

I'm in. Over.

-[radio static] -[Vanessa] We know. We're outside.

Jackpot.

It's beautiful in there. You guys should see…

Is there any police on this frequency, 'cause three kids are about to be killed.

Shut up. You're only going to get killed if you wake up Aunt Wanda.

Now come out from under there. Come on.

Shut up. Separate.

[grunting] Raise it up, raise it up.

I'm going back in.

No way. You only got the stuff you wanted. It's my turn.

This isn't amateur night. It takes expert skill.

Pssh! Please.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, hey, hey.

Hey, hey, hey.

-[door slams] -What was that?

Nessa?

Jordan?

Nessa!

Nessa!

Jordan?

Hey, hey, hey, okay.

Okay.

Come on now.

They locked me in.

I got a problem.

So that's it, America.

I'm not going back to Cost Depot anymore. I mean never again.

And I guess my baby Wanda was right.

I was out of control.

She made me look at myself in the cold light of the day,

and you know what I saw, America?

That deep, deep down,

down deep within myself,

in the very depths of my soul, deeper than deep,

I blame them kids.

I only have one question I really want to ask, America.

[shouting] Who the hell been writing on my wall?

Excuse me, America, I got to stunt one of them kids' growth.

I done told y'all, time and time again,

don't bring that project stuff up in here.

That makes my ass itch when you do things like that.

I'm telling you, I'm going to put a stop to this right now.

I'm not going to be having it.

Oh, Lord…