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1
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[opening theme music playing]
2
00:00:17,976 --> 00:00:19,477
Chess, America.
3
00:00:19,561 --> 00:00:20,645
I love it.
4
00:00:20,729 --> 00:00:22,230
It's my game.
5
00:00:22,313 --> 00:00:24,399
See, that's because Bernie Mac's
a thinking man.
6
00:00:24,482 --> 00:00:28,194
Unfortunately,
I'm playing by myself… again.
7
00:00:28,278 --> 00:00:29,779
No one to play with.
8
00:00:29,863 --> 00:00:32,073
See, my baby, Wanda,
she's more of a card player.
9
00:00:32,157 --> 00:00:33,783
And those kids… please.
10
00:00:33,867 --> 00:00:35,618
See, baby,
they ain't got it up here.
11
00:00:35,702 --> 00:00:37,620
See, it's the stuff they into today.
12
00:00:37,704 --> 00:00:39,998
See, back in my day,
games like Monopoly,
13
00:00:40,081 --> 00:00:41,541
we learned about real estate.
14
00:00:41,624 --> 00:00:43,626
Operation… being a doctor,
15
00:00:43,710 --> 00:00:44,836
learn surgery.
16
00:00:44,919 --> 00:00:47,672
Today, it's all about video games.
17
00:00:47,756 --> 00:00:50,341
Learn to steal cars
and be a samurai.
18
00:00:50,425 --> 00:00:51,426
Yeah, that's right.
19
00:00:51,509 --> 00:00:54,179
Please, it turn their brain
into mush.
20
00:00:54,262 --> 00:00:57,098
I'm raising three stooges,
that's right. Check it out.
21
00:00:57,348 --> 00:00:59,100
♪ I'm a Nit Wit
You're a Nit Wit ♪
22
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♪ We're a Nit Wit family ♪
23
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Yippee!
24
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Baby girl, please, not so loud.
25
00:01:03,813 --> 00:01:06,316
Uncle Bernie, will you buy me
another Nit Wit?
26
00:01:06,399 --> 00:01:08,234
One Nit Wit in the house is enough.
27
00:01:08,651 --> 00:01:09,819
But I need it!
28
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They're sisters!
29
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She's an only child.
30
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See, America, if it was a book,
31
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I wouldn't have a problem. Oh, no.
32
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But it's not.
33
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It's a Nit Wit.
34
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The latest fad of mindless, worthless crap
that's sweeping the nation.
35
00:01:24,667 --> 00:01:25,710
That's right.
36
00:01:25,794 --> 00:01:28,630
And it doesn't enrich the child.
It de-riches the parent.
37
00:01:28,713 --> 00:01:30,173
I mean, come on, America.
38
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They call it "Nit Wits."
39
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[scoffs] The name says it all.
40
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[upbeat music playing]
41
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Hey, Mark!
42
00:01:53,154 --> 00:01:54,239
Hey, Mark!
43
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Hey, Jordan.
44
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Whatcha guys doin'?
45
00:02:00,495 --> 00:02:01,538
Paintball wars.
46
00:02:01,621 --> 00:02:03,706
We play every day after school
up at the wash.
47
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Pretty sweet, huh?
48
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Whoa.
49
00:02:07,919 --> 00:02:09,379
You gotta get
a gun, Jordan.
50
00:02:09,462 --> 00:02:10,421
It's so much fun!
51
00:02:10,755 --> 00:02:12,966
I got a welt on my arm
the size of an egg.
52
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You want to touch it?
53
00:02:16,511 --> 00:02:17,804
-Does it hurt?
-Yeah.
54
00:02:17,887 --> 00:02:20,056
[winces] Cool.
55
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-[door bursts open]
-Uncle Bernie!
56
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Uncle Bernie!
I need a paintball gun.
57
00:02:24,686 --> 00:02:27,355
You need to learn how to ask
people more properly, Jordan.
58
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Uncle Bernie, may I please
have a paintball gun?
59
00:02:29,899 --> 00:02:30,817
Hell, no.
60
00:02:30,900 --> 00:02:32,068
But why?
61
00:02:32,152 --> 00:02:34,863
You the last person that need
a gun of any kind, Jordan.
62
00:02:34,946 --> 00:02:36,281
Uncle Bernie,
that's not fair!
63
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-Please!
-No.
64
00:02:37,448 --> 00:02:38,449
-Please?
-No.
65
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-Please?
-No.
66
00:02:39,617 --> 00:02:40,618
-Please?
-Hell, no!
67
00:02:40,702 --> 00:02:41,828
-Please?
-No, Jordan!
68
00:02:41,911 --> 00:02:42,871
-Please?
-No.
69
00:02:42,954 --> 00:02:43,955
-Please?
-No.
70
00:02:44,038 --> 00:02:45,039
-Please?
-Hell, no.
71
00:02:45,123 --> 00:02:46,166
-Ow. Please?
-Hell no!
72
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-Please… Please?
-No.
73
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-Please?
-No.
74
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-Please?
-Let go!
75
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-Please? Okay.
-Stop!
76
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[answering machine beeps]
77
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[Jordan, affected voice]
Hello, Mr. Mac.
78
00:02:56,217 --> 00:02:59,345
This is Jordan's principle,
Father Crumb.
79
00:02:59,429 --> 00:03:01,764
We're having a problem
at the school.
80
00:03:01,848 --> 00:03:05,059
It seems he's the only boy
without a paintball gun.
81
00:03:05,685 --> 00:03:07,353
Shame on you.
82
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[beeps]
83
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[Jordan, affected voice]
Hi, Uncle Bernie.
84
00:03:10,356 --> 00:03:11,983
This is Aunt Wanda.
85
00:03:12,066 --> 00:03:15,486
I think you should really get
Jordan a paintball gun.
86
00:03:15,570 --> 00:03:17,530
[Bryana]
And a Nit Wit doll.
87
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[beeps]
88
00:03:18,781 --> 00:03:20,283
[Jordan, affected voice]
Hey, Bernie!
89
00:03:20,366 --> 00:03:21,743
This is your poker friend, Chuy.
90
00:03:21,826 --> 00:03:24,621
I was just thinking you should go
and get Jordan a paintball gun.
91
00:03:24,704 --> 00:03:26,331
He really deserves it, man.
92
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[beeps]
93
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Can you believe that, America?
94
00:03:29,751 --> 00:03:31,169
They think they're slick.
95
00:03:31,252 --> 00:03:32,754
"This is Aunt Wanda…"
96
00:03:32,837 --> 00:03:33,922
[giggles]
97
00:03:34,005 --> 00:03:35,798
That boy is too soft and dumb.
98
00:03:35,882 --> 00:03:37,508
But see, this is what get me.
99
00:03:37,592 --> 00:03:41,179
The length those kids will go through
for a paintball gun, or a Nit Wit doll.
100
00:03:42,138 --> 00:03:47,060
Well, they better start bringing
some better game than that, America.
101
00:03:47,143 --> 00:03:49,979
They better start bringing
some better game than that.
102
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At least he tried.
103
00:03:56,194 --> 00:03:57,820
Hey, kid, what's up?
104
00:03:57,904 --> 00:04:00,073
Look, Uncle Bernie,
your toilet's sparkling clean.
105
00:04:00,156 --> 00:04:02,700
Wow, it sure is.
You all did a good job.
106
00:04:02,784 --> 00:04:04,535
Do we get a reward, Uncle Bernie?
107
00:04:06,371 --> 00:04:07,747
Ah!
108
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Nice try. Nice.
109
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Oh, I got your reward.
110
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Oh, I got your reward.
111
00:04:16,506 --> 00:04:18,007
Yeah.
112
00:04:18,091 --> 00:04:19,467
Here you go. Here.
113
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Dime for you, and a quarter for you.
114
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Come on, let's go. Scoot.
115
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Come on.
116
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Hey, kids, stand by.
117
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Bye.
118
00:04:33,147 --> 00:04:34,524
Towel, Uncle Bernie?
119
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[stammering]
Boy, what you doing in here?
120
00:04:36,484 --> 00:04:38,069
I was just wondering
if you'd reconsider
121
00:04:38,152 --> 00:04:39,570
your position
on the paintball gun.
122
00:04:39,654 --> 00:04:41,197
Hell, no.
Boy, gimme that towel.
123
00:04:41,281 --> 00:04:43,074
[Jordan grunts defiantly]
124
00:04:44,784 --> 00:04:47,328
This has gone too far, America.
125
00:04:47,412 --> 00:04:49,205
That child got boundary issues.
126
00:04:49,289 --> 00:04:52,125
I can't get a moment peace
in my own house.
127
00:04:52,208 --> 00:04:53,459
He's on me like a leech.
128
00:04:54,794 --> 00:04:58,339
Walking around my own house
with a damp ass.
129
00:04:59,590 --> 00:05:00,758
So what?
130
00:05:00,842 --> 00:05:04,721
I mean, you had plenty of stupid toys
when you were a kid. A Slinky, Bernie?
131
00:05:04,804 --> 00:05:07,432
I mean, come on, that doesn't
require a whole lot of thinking.
132
00:05:07,515 --> 00:05:08,516
What you talking about?
133
00:05:08,599 --> 00:05:10,601
Slinky walk up and down the stairs,
that's physics.
134
00:05:10,685 --> 00:05:12,478
They just wanna be kids, sweetie.
Hey, Nessa.
135
00:05:12,562 --> 00:05:13,521
Hey, Nessa.
136
00:05:13,855 --> 00:05:15,231
Oh, freeze!
137
00:05:15,606 --> 00:05:17,442
Hold… Hold this, baby.
138
00:05:18,359 --> 00:05:19,610
What's that on your lip, Nessa?
139
00:05:19,694 --> 00:05:21,738
-What are you talking about?
-You know what.
140
00:05:21,821 --> 00:05:24,073
You weren't born with that color.
Scrub that stuff off.
141
00:05:24,157 --> 00:05:26,701
What's the big deal?
All the girls at school wear lipstick.
142
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Good. You be the only one
that ain't pregnant. Now scrub it off.
143
00:05:29,871 --> 00:05:30,872
Your fair self.
144
00:05:31,247 --> 00:05:32,707
All you young girls today,
145
00:05:32,790 --> 00:05:34,792
walking around with y'all
popping hot ass!
146
00:05:34,876 --> 00:05:35,960
And all that Fahrenheit!
147
00:05:36,127 --> 00:05:37,462
More mindlessness.
148
00:05:37,545 --> 00:05:39,213
Makeup at 14?
149
00:05:39,297 --> 00:05:41,257
Oh, I'm telling you, America.
150
00:05:41,340 --> 00:05:43,676
See, raising kids is like playing chess.
151
00:05:43,760 --> 00:05:46,387
You gotta counter
every idiotic move they make.
152
00:05:46,471 --> 00:05:48,514
'Cause what is parenting anyway?
153
00:05:48,598 --> 00:05:49,891
I tell you what it is.
154
00:05:49,974 --> 00:05:52,894
See, it's keeping your kids'
ignorance in check.
155
00:05:52,977 --> 00:05:54,228
It's really very simple.
156
00:05:54,312 --> 00:05:56,564
Considering they never formulate
anything more
157
00:05:56,647 --> 00:05:58,775
than a basic attack, anyway.
158
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Watch this.
159
00:06:00,151 --> 00:06:02,528
What's on your mind, baby girl?
160
00:06:02,612 --> 00:06:04,906
I want another Nit Wit doll.
161
00:06:04,989 --> 00:06:07,366
-Well, what's your opening move?
-Hmm…
162
00:06:07,450 --> 00:06:09,243
I want it!
163
00:06:10,161 --> 00:06:11,954
Dazzling, huh? [chuckles]
164
00:06:12,038 --> 00:06:13,206
No!
165
00:06:13,289 --> 00:06:14,457
Check.
166
00:06:14,540 --> 00:06:15,958
Dig it.
167
00:06:16,042 --> 00:06:18,211
-Take your best shot, Nessa.
-[sighs]
168
00:06:18,294 --> 00:06:20,213
I don't see why I can't wear makeup.
169
00:06:20,296 --> 00:06:23,049
You want me to act like an adult,
but you won't treat me like one,
170
00:06:23,132 --> 00:06:24,300
and it's not fair.
171
00:06:25,093 --> 00:06:26,177
"It's not fair."
172
00:06:26,260 --> 00:06:27,845
Pathetic effort.
173
00:06:27,929 --> 00:06:29,555
Real basic stuff.
174
00:06:29,639 --> 00:06:31,682
A simple counter should do it.
175
00:06:31,766 --> 00:06:36,521
Nessa, no self-respecting 14-year-old girl
need to be covered up with makeup
176
00:06:36,604 --> 00:06:38,147
to go to English class.
177
00:06:38,231 --> 00:06:41,192
Well, Jennifer Wang wears makeup,
and she's class valedictorian.
178
00:06:41,275 --> 00:06:42,610
Well, I tell you what, gorgeous.
179
00:06:42,693 --> 00:06:45,196
When you become valedictorian
and head of your class,
180
00:06:45,279 --> 00:06:46,697
then you can wear makeup.
181
00:06:47,698 --> 00:06:48,658
Check.
182
00:06:49,617 --> 00:06:53,246
America, it's really too easy.
See, these kids don't realize
183
00:06:53,329 --> 00:06:55,623
they playing with the grand master.
184
00:06:55,706 --> 00:06:57,166
You heard of Big Blue?
185
00:06:57,250 --> 00:06:59,168
Well, Bernie Mac is Big Black.
186
00:06:59,252 --> 00:07:00,753
Now, Jordan, your turn.
187
00:07:02,713 --> 00:07:04,173
Good news travel fast.
188
00:07:04,966 --> 00:07:06,092
But where is that boy?
189
00:07:11,431 --> 00:07:12,765
Is this supposed to be me?
190
00:07:12,932 --> 00:07:16,227
You wouldn't buy me a paintball gun,
so I made one myself. See?
191
00:07:16,352 --> 00:07:17,478
[inhales]
192
00:07:27,363 --> 00:07:29,365
[retching and coughing]
193
00:07:31,284 --> 00:07:32,910
Well, Jordan, you proved my case.
194
00:07:32,994 --> 00:07:34,704
But paintball's fun.
195
00:07:35,746 --> 00:07:36,789
I see.
196
00:07:36,873 --> 00:07:38,249
[retching]
197
00:07:40,042 --> 00:07:41,627
Check they ignorance, America.
198
00:07:41,711 --> 00:07:43,713
[scoffs] Check they ignorance.
199
00:07:44,881 --> 00:07:45,882
Check.
200
00:07:50,928 --> 00:07:52,096
There you are, baby girl.
201
00:07:52,180 --> 00:07:54,015
I bought you something
from the toy store.
202
00:07:54,098 --> 00:07:55,641
-Is it a Nit Wit doll?
-No, ma'am.
203
00:07:55,725 --> 00:07:57,226
Something better than a Nit Wit doll.
204
00:07:57,477 --> 00:07:58,644
A Nit Wit camper?
205
00:07:58,728 --> 00:08:00,897
Nope. It's Professor Hoo.
206
00:08:00,980 --> 00:08:02,732
And you know what else?
207
00:08:02,815 --> 00:08:04,066
It's fun, and it's smart.
208
00:08:04,150 --> 00:08:06,360
And I got a surprise
for you, look.
209
00:08:06,444 --> 00:08:07,653
Hello, baby girl.
210
00:08:07,862 --> 00:08:09,113
He knows me!
211
00:08:09,197 --> 00:08:10,698
He sure does.
He's going to teach you
212
00:08:10,781 --> 00:08:12,783
-how to spell, do your math.
-Yay!
213
00:08:13,034 --> 00:08:15,286
Hey, son, how you feeling?
You feel better?
214
00:08:15,369 --> 00:08:17,246
-My poops are still blue.
-Shoot.
215
00:08:17,330 --> 00:08:19,415
You're lucky they didn't
have to pump your stomach.
216
00:08:19,499 --> 00:08:21,167
I just wanted to play a war game.
217
00:08:21,250 --> 00:08:23,377
Son, that's why I'm trying
to teach you chess.
218
00:08:23,461 --> 00:08:25,004
It's the greatest
war game ever played.
219
00:08:25,087 --> 00:08:26,088
Really?
220
00:08:26,172 --> 00:08:27,423
Why you think kings play it?
221
00:08:27,507 --> 00:08:28,591
Kings play it?
222
00:08:28,674 --> 00:08:29,967
Come here, boy.
223
00:08:30,051 --> 00:08:32,637
Not just kings,
it's a Mac family tradition.
224
00:08:32,970 --> 00:08:35,681
My Uncle Allistar taught me,
and his father taught him.
225
00:08:35,765 --> 00:08:37,308
Uncle Allistar taught you?
226
00:08:37,517 --> 00:08:39,227
Sure did.
That's why I'm gonna teach you.
227
00:08:39,310 --> 00:08:40,353
Can I be the horses?
228
00:08:40,436 --> 00:08:42,021
This ain't Monopoly… Hey-hey-hey.
229
00:08:42,104 --> 00:08:43,606
That's two down.
230
00:08:43,689 --> 00:08:47,735
You see? I just change my play
to fit the boy's personality.
231
00:08:47,818 --> 00:08:48,986
Yeah, it's true.
232
00:08:49,070 --> 00:08:52,073
My man Jordan like guns.
He like killer stuff.
233
00:08:52,156 --> 00:08:55,368
But deep down inside,
he's a sweet little normal kid.
234
00:08:55,451 --> 00:08:56,494
That's right.
235
00:08:56,577 --> 00:08:58,746
Who likes to do things
with his uncle.
236
00:09:00,498 --> 00:09:03,417
In fact, I hope he don't cry
when I beat him.
237
00:09:05,378 --> 00:09:09,048
Now Nessa… she requires
a different approach.
238
00:09:09,131 --> 00:09:10,633
[Wanda] Here we come!
239
00:09:10,716 --> 00:09:12,635
[mutters]
240
00:09:15,137 --> 00:09:17,557
Good Lord. What'd you use,
a whole doggone thing on her?
241
00:09:17,640 --> 00:09:19,892
Honey, this is the same amount
of makeup I wear.
242
00:09:19,976 --> 00:09:21,102
And I think I look good.
243
00:09:21,602 --> 00:09:23,062
All right, listen.
244
00:09:23,145 --> 00:09:24,814
You and I make a deal.
245
00:09:24,897 --> 00:09:26,983
You bring that "C" in algebra
up to a "B--"
246
00:09:27,108 --> 00:09:28,442
And I can wear
anything I want?
247
00:09:28,526 --> 00:09:30,361
No. You can wear a little cheek stuff
248
00:09:30,444 --> 00:09:32,655
and maybe some
petroleum jelly on your lips.
249
00:09:32,738 --> 00:09:34,282
No stick. Clear?
250
00:09:34,365 --> 00:09:35,950
Well, what if I get
straight "A"s?
251
00:09:36,033 --> 00:09:38,619
[stammering]
If you get straight "A"s, then…
252
00:09:39,287 --> 00:09:42,832
you can dress yourself up
like a rodeo clown, all I care.
253
00:09:42,915 --> 00:09:43,833
Get a "B."
254
00:09:43,916 --> 00:09:47,378
See? Nessa just needed
a little opportunity to prove me wrong.
255
00:09:47,461 --> 00:09:49,046
And I hope she does.
256
00:09:49,130 --> 00:09:50,298
And if I keep it up,
257
00:09:50,381 --> 00:09:52,717
she'll probably get into Harvard.
Wouldn't that be good?
258
00:09:52,800 --> 00:09:56,387
See, America?
It's like I said. It's all about chess.
259
00:09:56,470 --> 00:09:59,432
I got each and every one of those kids
right where I want 'em.
260
00:09:59,515 --> 00:10:03,394
America, a little strategy
go a long way.
261
00:10:03,603 --> 00:10:04,770
♪ You better think ♪
262
00:10:04,854 --> 00:10:05,980
♪ Think ♪
263
00:10:06,063 --> 00:10:08,107
♪ Think about what you're
Trying to do to me ♪
264
00:10:08,190 --> 00:10:09,233
♪ Think ♪
265
00:10:09,317 --> 00:10:10,359
♪ Think, think ♪
266
00:10:10,443 --> 00:10:13,070
♪ Let your mind go
Let yourself be free ♪
267
00:10:13,154 --> 00:10:14,739
♪ Let's go back
Let's go back ♪
268
00:10:14,822 --> 00:10:17,241
♪ Let's go way
On back when ♪
269
00:10:17,325 --> 00:10:19,076
♪ I didn't even
Know you ♪
270
00:10:19,160 --> 00:10:20,494
Wait-wait. Hol-Hold.
271
00:10:20,578 --> 00:10:22,413
Jordan, Jordan,
come on, come on.
272
00:10:22,955 --> 00:10:24,040
Why did you do that?
273
00:10:24,123 --> 00:10:25,958
-I don't know.
-Remember, Jordan,
274
00:10:26,042 --> 00:10:28,794
it's not just the pieces itself,
this is just a tool.
275
00:10:28,878 --> 00:10:32,506
But you playing the man
on the other side of the board,
276
00:10:32,590 --> 00:10:36,302
and understanding his nature
is how you become a great chess player.
277
00:10:36,385 --> 00:10:37,762
You understand?
278
00:10:37,887 --> 00:10:39,013
Good.
279
00:10:39,555 --> 00:10:41,974
Now, son… try it again.
280
00:10:42,391 --> 00:10:43,934
But this time…
281
00:10:45,102 --> 00:10:46,562
[mouthing]
282
00:10:46,646 --> 00:10:48,314
♪ Freedom ♪
283
00:10:48,397 --> 00:10:50,066
♪ Freedom ♪
284
00:10:51,442 --> 00:10:52,526
[Bernie Mac] Hey, hey, hey.
285
00:10:52,610 --> 00:10:53,819
Remember what I told you now.
286
00:10:54,362 --> 00:10:57,198
The key to the chess is
always thinking ahead, Jordan.
287
00:10:57,281 --> 00:11:00,284
Now, once you're able
to do that, son, you got it.
288
00:11:00,368 --> 00:11:02,328
Uncle Bernie? Yeah, baby?
289
00:11:02,411 --> 00:11:03,954
I don't understand money.
290
00:11:04,038 --> 00:11:06,666
Well, that's all right.
A lot of women got that problem.
291
00:11:06,749 --> 00:11:09,877
[Professor Hoo]
How many $1 bills are in a $5 bill?
292
00:11:09,960 --> 00:11:11,045
Oh.
293
00:11:11,128 --> 00:11:12,546
Hold on, let me
show you somethin'.
294
00:11:12,630 --> 00:11:14,173
All right, now, look, pay attention.
295
00:11:14,256 --> 00:11:18,219
Sweetheart, this a $5 bill.
See that? Five.
296
00:11:18,302 --> 00:11:20,304
And these are five singles.
297
00:11:20,388 --> 00:11:22,390
Their value is worth $5.
298
00:11:22,807 --> 00:11:26,268
One, two, three, four, five.
299
00:11:26,602 --> 00:11:29,355
-You understand? Good.
-I think so.
300
00:11:29,522 --> 00:11:30,898
-Uncle Bernie?
-Hmm?
301
00:11:30,981 --> 00:11:32,775
Can I practice with those?
302
00:11:32,858 --> 00:11:36,612
Sure, baby girl. You practice your money.
Make your uncle proud.
303
00:11:37,738 --> 00:11:40,074
Now, I don't want to say
she's slow, America,
304
00:11:40,157 --> 00:11:43,869
but she's not even bright enough
to realize she's learning something.
305
00:11:43,953 --> 00:11:46,205
And she like talking
to that owl so much,
306
00:11:46,288 --> 00:11:48,791
she's forgotten about
the Nit Wit doll. Sure enough.
307
00:11:48,874 --> 00:11:51,085
[chuckling, mumbling]
308
00:11:51,627 --> 00:11:53,921
[Bernie Mac] Baby, you bought baby girl
another Nit Wit?
309
00:11:54,213 --> 00:11:57,842
I didn't. I just took her to the store.
She saved her own money.
310
00:11:57,925 --> 00:12:00,469
How she save her own money?
She's six. She ain't got no money.
311
00:12:00,553 --> 00:12:02,513
What'd she do,
liquidate her portfolio?
312
00:12:02,596 --> 00:12:04,890
Baby girl, where'd you get
the money to buy this doll?
313
00:12:05,850 --> 00:12:06,892
[Professor Hoo] You!
314
00:12:07,351 --> 00:12:08,436
Me?
315
00:12:09,854 --> 00:12:11,439
That little skunk.
316
00:12:11,897 --> 00:12:13,649
I didn't get over on her, America.
317
00:12:13,732 --> 00:12:15,526
She got over on me.
318
00:12:15,609 --> 00:12:18,195
Taking my money
to buy that little ugly rag.
319
00:12:18,279 --> 00:12:21,824
But at least I still have Jordan
and Nessa under my control.
320
00:12:21,907 --> 00:12:24,618
Do you know that Nessa
was getting up an hour early
321
00:12:24,702 --> 00:12:26,287
to go to study group
before school?
322
00:12:26,996 --> 00:12:28,330
See this book report?
323
00:12:28,414 --> 00:12:31,417
She was in such a rush
to go study, she forgot it.
324
00:12:31,500 --> 00:12:33,377
I better go run it over to her.
325
00:12:36,755 --> 00:12:37,965
America…
326
00:12:41,218 --> 00:12:42,470
I think I'm proud of her.
327
00:12:54,315 --> 00:12:56,358
[groans softly]
I don't know if this is my color.
328
00:12:56,442 --> 00:12:58,944
I mean, I think
I need something a little bit darker.
329
00:12:59,028 --> 00:13:00,779
Not to make too big
of a statement,
330
00:13:00,863 --> 00:13:02,239
but just something
that says--
331
00:13:02,323 --> 00:13:03,532
[Bernie Mac] Nessa.
332
00:13:05,409 --> 00:13:07,077
You forgot
your book report, baby.
333
00:13:10,998 --> 00:13:13,000
I can't believe you
betrayed my doggone trust
334
00:13:13,083 --> 00:13:14,418
because you want
some rosy cheeks.
335
00:13:14,502 --> 00:13:15,586
I can't believe that.
336
00:13:15,669 --> 00:13:17,963
But you did. Okay, fine.
337
00:13:18,047 --> 00:13:20,049
Now you want rosy cheeks,
you're going to get it,
338
00:13:20,132 --> 00:13:21,634
to the point where
you can't sit down.
339
00:13:21,717 --> 00:13:23,719
Go on and get in your room.
Get out of my face.
340
00:13:25,221 --> 00:13:27,848
Give y'all everything,
you still ain't satisfied.
341
00:13:28,265 --> 00:13:30,559
At least I still have
the boy, America.
342
00:13:30,643 --> 00:13:32,895
He won't let me down.
343
00:13:32,978 --> 00:13:34,939
That's my boy.
344
00:13:36,190 --> 00:13:37,775
[clock ticking]
345
00:13:40,986 --> 00:13:42,947
-Figure out your next move?
-Maybe.
346
00:13:43,030 --> 00:13:45,574
Oh-oh-oh.
347
00:13:45,658 --> 00:13:46,909
Cocky, huh?
348
00:13:46,992 --> 00:13:48,994
Yeah, I like that.
349
00:13:49,286 --> 00:13:50,621
It's nice, real nice.
350
00:13:51,956 --> 00:13:52,957
Bust a move.
351
00:13:53,999 --> 00:13:55,000
Sha-boom.
352
00:13:56,126 --> 00:13:57,211
Sha-bang.
353
00:13:58,671 --> 00:13:59,838
Mate.
354
00:13:59,922 --> 00:14:01,048
Mate?
355
00:14:01,131 --> 00:14:02,925
What you mean, "mate"?
That ain't no mate.
356
00:14:06,804 --> 00:14:08,514
Doggone, Jordan, it is.
357
00:14:09,056 --> 00:14:11,475
That's a mate, Jordan,
look at you.
358
00:14:11,767 --> 00:14:14,144
Good move, son.
I'm proud of you.
359
00:14:14,228 --> 00:14:16,146
You used your head on that one,
good move.
360
00:14:16,230 --> 00:14:18,065
Thanks, Uncle Bernie,
that was fun.
361
00:14:18,148 --> 00:14:19,733
Maybe we could
do other stuff together.
362
00:14:19,817 --> 00:14:21,068
I don't mind. Like what?
363
00:14:21,151 --> 00:14:22,570
Like paintball.
364
00:14:22,653 --> 00:14:25,865
Yeah, you could buy us guns,
and we could play together.
365
00:14:25,948 --> 00:14:27,366
I see.
366
00:14:29,243 --> 00:14:30,995
So this what it's all about,
right, Jordan?
367
00:14:31,412 --> 00:14:33,831
You never was interested
in no doggone chess.
368
00:14:33,956 --> 00:14:36,250
You're just buttering me up
so I can buy you a gun, huh?
369
00:14:36,375 --> 00:14:37,668
Kind of.
370
00:14:52,725 --> 00:14:54,018
I hate my Uncle Bernie.
371
00:14:54,101 --> 00:14:55,352
Why?
372
00:14:55,436 --> 00:14:56,937
He made me learn chess
for nothing.
373
00:14:57,021 --> 00:14:58,314
He won't buy me a paintball gun.
374
00:14:58,397 --> 00:14:59,607
So just take mine.
375
00:14:59,690 --> 00:15:01,108
What will you use?
376
00:15:01,191 --> 00:15:03,027
I'll just get another one.
377
00:15:03,485 --> 00:15:05,195
Your parents'll do that?
378
00:15:05,279 --> 00:15:07,573
My dad ran off
with his hygienist.
379
00:15:07,656 --> 00:15:09,658
My mom buys me anything I want.
380
00:15:10,242 --> 00:15:11,493
You're so lucky.
381
00:15:19,084 --> 00:15:21,128
[Bernie Mac humming]
382
00:15:24,214 --> 00:15:25,507
What y'all happy about?
383
00:15:25,716 --> 00:15:27,176
Nothing. I'm just in a good mood.
384
00:15:27,301 --> 00:15:28,761
Yeah, okay.
385
00:15:31,722 --> 00:15:34,391
Hey, hey, hey, baby girl, hey.
Come here, come here.
386
00:15:34,475 --> 00:15:35,768
What's up?
387
00:15:36,602 --> 00:15:38,437
Can I play paintball, too?
388
00:15:38,646 --> 00:15:40,731
What's up with y'all
and this paintball stuff?
389
00:15:40,814 --> 00:15:43,776
Jordan got a new paintball gun
and hid it under my bed.
390
00:15:43,859 --> 00:15:44,860
What?
391
00:15:46,654 --> 00:15:48,197
Let me see this, baby.
392
00:15:50,908 --> 00:15:53,202
I hope you gave up something
real nice for this,
393
00:15:53,285 --> 00:15:54,954
'cause you ain't never
gonna play with it.
394
00:15:55,037 --> 00:15:57,748
The only way you're gonna play
with this paintball gun is with me,
395
00:15:57,831 --> 00:15:59,208
and that ain't
never gonna happen.
396
00:16:03,629 --> 00:16:05,297
Stupid Uncle Bernie.
397
00:16:05,506 --> 00:16:07,925
I've been saying that
since we got here.
398
00:16:08,008 --> 00:16:09,468
I mean, how does
he always catch us?
399
00:16:09,551 --> 00:16:11,345
It's like he's always
two steps ahead.
400
00:16:11,428 --> 00:16:14,431
Yeah, it's like he's using
our nature, like in chess.
401
00:16:15,474 --> 00:16:16,767
Like in chess.
402
00:16:21,730 --> 00:16:22,773
I've got an idea.
403
00:16:22,856 --> 00:16:24,942
He said the only way
I'm going to play paintball
404
00:16:25,025 --> 00:16:26,610
is if he's playing it with me.
405
00:16:26,694 --> 00:16:28,362
And that's exactly
what he's going to do.
406
00:16:28,612 --> 00:16:30,489
How are you going
to get him to do that?
407
00:16:30,656 --> 00:16:32,574
I'm going to use his nature.
408
00:16:32,658 --> 00:16:34,535
And I'm going
to cover him in paint.
409
00:16:35,077 --> 00:16:36,078
You in?
410
00:16:36,161 --> 00:16:38,664
Yeah, but you know
he's going to beat our butts.
411
00:16:38,998 --> 00:16:41,041
Probably, but it could be worth it.
412
00:16:41,625 --> 00:16:44,169
I'm going to start by using
that little tattletale.
413
00:16:52,177 --> 00:16:55,264
Uncle Bernie's making me
return my Nit Wit doll.
414
00:16:55,639 --> 00:16:57,641
Serves you right
for getting me in trouble.
415
00:16:57,766 --> 00:16:58,976
I'm sorry.
416
00:16:59,059 --> 00:17:01,270
Doesn't matter, 'cause
I'm still playing paintball
417
00:17:01,353 --> 00:17:02,896
as soon as you guys
leave the house.
418
00:17:02,980 --> 00:17:04,148
Really?
419
00:17:04,231 --> 00:17:05,899
Yeah, but you
can't tell Uncle Bernie.
420
00:17:05,983 --> 00:17:07,609
You already
got me in trouble once.
421
00:17:07,693 --> 00:17:09,403
I won't, I promise.
422
00:17:15,034 --> 00:17:16,952
[Bernie Mac]
Come on, baby girl.
423
00:17:17,036 --> 00:17:18,495
That's right.
424
00:17:18,579 --> 00:17:20,247
And in case you get
any bright ideas,
425
00:17:20,456 --> 00:17:21,915
I'm taking this with me.
426
00:17:24,084 --> 00:17:25,335
[door opens]
427
00:17:27,379 --> 00:17:28,380
[door closes]
428
00:17:30,549 --> 00:17:32,384
You can pout all you want to, B.
429
00:17:32,468 --> 00:17:34,511
That'll teach you to try
to play your Uncle Bernie.
430
00:17:34,595 --> 00:17:37,097
I don't know why
you three kids won't wise up.
431
00:17:37,181 --> 00:17:38,640
And I tell you
something else,
432
00:17:38,724 --> 00:17:41,060
you ain't gonna be half as mad
as your brother going to be.
433
00:17:41,143 --> 00:17:42,102
Come on, get in there.
434
00:17:43,228 --> 00:17:45,189
He's not mad,
he's playing paintball.
435
00:17:45,272 --> 00:17:46,440
[gasps] Oops.
436
00:17:46,523 --> 00:17:47,649
What you mean, "oops"?
437
00:17:47,733 --> 00:17:49,276
Brother ain't playing
no paintball.
438
00:17:49,485 --> 00:17:51,028
That's what he said.
439
00:17:51,111 --> 00:17:54,490
How he gonna be playing paintball
when I got his gun right here? Look at…
440
00:17:56,658 --> 00:17:58,786
You know something?
You kids are something else.
441
00:17:58,869 --> 00:17:59,995
Where your brother at?
442
00:18:00,079 --> 00:18:01,455
Where your brother at, baby girl?
443
00:18:01,914 --> 00:18:02,915
But I promised.
444
00:18:03,040 --> 00:18:04,625
I don't care.
Where your brother at?
445
00:18:04,875 --> 00:18:06,418
At the empty lot.
446
00:18:06,502 --> 00:18:08,045
Yeah, I figured.
That's where we going.
447
00:18:08,128 --> 00:18:10,798
In fact, that's where
y'all gonna be living, at the empty lot.
448
00:18:10,881 --> 00:18:12,341
I'm sending y'all back to the state.
449
00:18:12,424 --> 00:18:14,927
Hope they feed y'all apple sauce
with graham crackers.
450
00:18:16,428 --> 00:18:17,805
♪ You better think ♪
451
00:18:17,888 --> 00:18:18,889
♪ Think ♪
452
00:18:18,972 --> 00:18:21,183
♪ Think about what you're
Trying to do to me ♪
453
00:18:21,266 --> 00:18:22,267
♪ Think ♪
454
00:18:22,351 --> 00:18:23,393
♪ Think, think ♪
455
00:18:23,477 --> 00:18:25,729
[guns firing]
456
00:18:31,068 --> 00:18:32,277
Jordan!
457
00:18:36,573 --> 00:18:38,784
-Jor--
-Hey that's mine.
458
00:18:38,867 --> 00:18:40,702
-[gun firing]
-Ow, ow, ow.
459
00:18:40,786 --> 00:18:42,704
-Jordan!
-[gun firing]
460
00:18:42,788 --> 00:18:43,914
I see you, Jordan.
461
00:18:44,414 --> 00:18:45,582
Come on.
462
00:18:45,666 --> 00:18:47,042
Let's go, we're going home.
463
00:18:47,126 --> 00:18:48,669
-[Jordan] No!
-Who you talking to, son?
464
00:18:48,752 --> 00:18:50,129
I said let's go and I mean now.
465
00:18:50,671 --> 00:18:51,672
All right.
466
00:18:51,755 --> 00:18:53,382
Can I at least keep the flag?
467
00:18:53,465 --> 00:18:55,884
Jordan, you're not keeping nothing.
Let's go and I mean now.
468
00:18:55,968 --> 00:18:57,177
-But Uncle Bernie--
-What?
469
00:18:57,261 --> 00:18:58,679
He's got the flag!
470
00:18:58,762 --> 00:18:59,930
[gun firing]
471
00:19:02,683 --> 00:19:03,851
Uncle Bernie, use the gun!
472
00:19:03,934 --> 00:19:05,561
Yeah, you I ain't?
473
00:19:06,395 --> 00:19:07,646
Gimme that,
gimme that.
474
00:19:08,564 --> 00:19:10,065
[guns firing]
475
00:19:10,149 --> 00:19:14,069
♪ Hey, about it
Think about it ♪
476
00:19:14,153 --> 00:19:15,946
♪ There ain't nothing
You could ask ♪
477
00:19:16,029 --> 00:19:18,073
♪ I could answer you
But I won't ♪
478
00:19:18,157 --> 00:19:20,242
♪ I was gonna change
But I'm not ♪
479
00:19:20,325 --> 00:19:21,910
♪ To keep doing
Things I don't ♪
480
00:19:21,994 --> 00:19:23,036
♪ You better think ♪
481
00:19:23,120 --> 00:19:24,121
♪ Think ♪
482
00:19:24,204 --> 00:19:25,581
You're playing paintball.
483
00:19:25,664 --> 00:19:27,249
Yeah, I know.
Tell them to stop.
484
00:19:27,499 --> 00:19:28,542
I can't.
485
00:19:29,168 --> 00:19:30,669
We're not on the same team.
486
00:19:30,752 --> 00:19:32,212
You think I don't know that?
487
00:19:32,629 --> 00:19:33,797
Checkmate!
488
00:19:34,047 --> 00:19:35,215
"Checkmate"?
What's that mean?
489
00:19:35,299 --> 00:19:37,217
I told Bryana not to tell you,
490
00:19:37,301 --> 00:19:39,761
but I knew she would,
'cause that's her nature.
491
00:19:39,845 --> 00:19:41,513
And I knew you'd try
to come and stop me,
492
00:19:41,597 --> 00:19:42,931
because that's your nature.
493
00:19:43,015 --> 00:19:46,018
But I tricked you into playing paintball,
because that's my nature.
494
00:19:46,101 --> 00:19:47,769
Yeah, okay, nature.
495
00:19:49,271 --> 00:19:51,106
I don't know what
you're cackling for, son,
496
00:19:51,190 --> 00:19:52,900
'cause I got you
dead in my sight.
497
00:19:52,983 --> 00:19:55,277
[guns firing]
498
00:19:55,444 --> 00:19:57,487
[Vanessa]
And I got you in mine.
499
00:19:58,947 --> 00:20:00,365
Nessa?
500
00:20:00,449 --> 00:20:02,117
How do you like my makeup?
501
00:20:02,201 --> 00:20:03,702
You want some more makeup?
502
00:20:03,785 --> 00:20:05,579
[clicking]
503
00:20:07,331 --> 00:20:09,791
Come on, Ness.
Come on, come on, come on.
504
00:20:09,875 --> 00:20:11,793
-Come on… hey.
-[Jordan cackling evilly]
505
00:20:11,877 --> 00:20:13,212
Don't do it.
506
00:20:13,295 --> 00:20:14,838
Don't… don't… don't do it.
507
00:20:14,922 --> 00:20:16,423
Catch, Uncle Bernie.
508
00:20:16,506 --> 00:20:18,008
Fire in the hole!
509
00:20:18,091 --> 00:20:19,509
[explosion]
510
00:20:21,929 --> 00:20:23,722
Can you believe that, America?
511
00:20:24,640 --> 00:20:27,517
The whole time I was playing
chess with those kids,
512
00:20:27,601 --> 00:20:29,186
one was playing back.
513
00:20:29,269 --> 00:20:32,147
And all because I wanted
to expand their mind.
514
00:20:32,231 --> 00:20:34,566
America, don't do it.
515
00:20:34,650 --> 00:20:36,944
See, because they're already
smart enough.
516
00:20:37,027 --> 00:20:40,364
Because if you do,
you might end up like me.
517
00:20:40,447 --> 00:20:43,075
Did you know there was something
called a "paintzooka"?
518
00:20:43,158 --> 00:20:44,243
Look at this.
519
00:20:45,369 --> 00:20:47,996
Well, there is,
and it's very accurate, too.
520
00:20:48,080 --> 00:20:49,748
But I got news for you, America.
521
00:20:49,831 --> 00:20:52,626
I know you're all against it,
but I got whoop both of their asses.
522
00:20:52,709 --> 00:20:53,835
That's right.
523
00:20:53,919 --> 00:20:56,171
Oh, that smart boy probably
already figured it out,
524
00:20:56,255 --> 00:20:57,965
but I'm gonna do it anyway.
525
00:20:58,590 --> 00:21:00,384
People with glasses,
they always something.
526
00:21:00,467 --> 00:21:02,678
Had a guy I knew
name Jonathan Sale.
527
00:21:02,761 --> 00:21:04,596
He had bifocals.
528
00:21:04,680 --> 00:21:06,848
You know, he can do
the whole encyclopedia.
529
00:21:07,724 --> 00:21:08,809
Backwards.
530
00:21:09,685 --> 00:21:12,229
Old wiz, yeah.
531
00:21:13,689 --> 00:21:15,274
Is it coming off?
532
00:21:15,357 --> 00:21:16,942
They said it don't.
533
00:21:19,820 --> 00:21:21,029
[woman] This is your knight.
534
00:21:21,113 --> 00:21:22,364
I'm sorry.
535
00:21:22,447 --> 00:21:24,825
Look, son, this is your knight.
536
00:21:24,908 --> 00:21:26,868
It's the defender of the realm.
537
00:21:26,952 --> 00:21:30,038
It protects and it guards, okay?
538
00:21:30,122 --> 00:21:33,000
You're not just got… trying
to find out… understand…
539
00:21:33,083 --> 00:21:34,167
You stupid…
540
00:21:35,335 --> 00:21:40,882
[woman laughing]
541
00:21:40,966 --> 00:21:44,094
Let him chew on it for a while.
He'll get it. [laughs]
38158
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