Original subtitles

[opening theme music playing]

Chess, America.

I love it.

It's my game.

See, that's because Bernie Mac's a thinking man.

Unfortunately, I'm playing by myself… again.

No one to play with.

See, my baby, Wanda, she's more of a card player.

And those kids… please.

See, baby, they ain't got it up here.

See, it's the stuff they into today.

See, back in my day, games like Monopoly,

we learned about real estate.

Operation… being a doctor,

learn surgery.

Today, it's all about video games.

Learn to steal cars and be a samurai.

Yeah, that's right.

Please, it turn their brain into mush.

I'm raising three stooges, that's right. Check it out.

♪ I'm a Nit Wit You're a Nit Wit ♪

♪ We're a Nit Wit family ♪

Yippee!

Baby girl, please, not so loud.

Uncle Bernie, will you buy me another Nit Wit?

One Nit Wit in the house is enough.

But I need it!

They're sisters!

She's an only child.

See, America, if it was a book,

I wouldn't have a problem. Oh, no.

But it's not.

It's a Nit Wit.

The latest fad of mindless, worthless crap that's sweeping the nation.

That's right.

And it doesn't enrich the child. It de-riches the parent.

I mean, come on, America.

They call it "Nit Wits."

[scoffs] The name says it all.

[upbeat music playing]

Hey, Mark!

Hey, Mark!

Hey, Jordan.

Whatcha guys doin'?

Paintball wars.

We play every day after school up at the wash.

Pretty sweet, huh?

Whoa.

You gotta get a gun, Jordan.

It's so much fun!

I got a welt on my arm the size of an egg.

You want to touch it?

-Does it hurt? -Yeah.

[winces] Cool.

-[door bursts open] -Uncle Bernie!

Uncle Bernie! I need a paintball gun.

You need to learn how to ask people more properly, Jordan.

Uncle Bernie, may I please have a paintball gun?

Hell, no.

But why?

You the last person that need a gun of any kind, Jordan.

Uncle Bernie, that's not fair!

-Please! -No.

-Please? -No.

-Please? -No.

-Please? -Hell, no!

-Please? -No, Jordan!

-Please? -No.

-Please? -No.

-Please? -Hell, no.

-Ow. Please? -Hell no!

-Please… Please? -No.

-Please? -No.

-Please? -Let go!

-Please? Okay. -Stop!

[answering machine beeps]

[Jordan, affected voice] Hello, Mr. Mac.

This is Jordan's principle, Father Crumb.

We're having a problem at the school.

It seems he's the only boy without a paintball gun.

Shame on you.

[beeps]

[Jordan, affected voice] Hi, Uncle Bernie.

This is Aunt Wanda.

I think you should really get Jordan a paintball gun.

[Bryana] And a Nit Wit doll.

[beeps]

[Jordan, affected voice] Hey, Bernie!

This is your poker friend, Chuy.

I was just thinking you should go and get Jordan a paintball gun.

He really deserves it, man.

[beeps]

Can you believe that, America?

They think they're slick.

"This is Aunt Wanda…"

[giggles]

That boy is too soft and dumb.

But see, this is what get me.

The length those kids will go through for a paintball gun, or a Nit Wit doll.

Well, they better start bringing some better game than that, America.

They better start bringing some better game than that.

At least he tried.

Hey, kid, what's up?

Look, Uncle Bernie, your toilet's sparkling clean.

Wow, it sure is. You all did a good job.

Do we get a reward, Uncle Bernie?

Ah!

Nice try. Nice.

Oh, I got your reward.

Oh, I got your reward.

Yeah.

Here you go. Here.

Dime for you, and a quarter for you.

Come on, let's go. Scoot.

Come on.

Hey, kids, stand by.

Bye.

Towel, Uncle Bernie?

[stammering] Boy, what you doing in here?

I was just wondering if you'd reconsider

your position on the paintball gun.

Hell, no. Boy, gimme that towel.

[Jordan grunts defiantly]

This has gone too far, America.

That child got boundary issues.

I can't get a moment peace in my own house.

He's on me like a leech.

Walking around my own house with a damp ass.

So what?

I mean, you had plenty of stupid toys when you were a kid. A Slinky, Bernie?

I mean, come on, that doesn't require a whole lot of thinking.

What you talking about?

Slinky walk up and down the stairs, that's physics.

They just wanna be kids, sweetie. Hey, Nessa.

Hey, Nessa.

Oh, freeze!

Hold… Hold this, baby.

What's that on your lip, Nessa?

-What are you talking about? -You know what.

You weren't born with that color. Scrub that stuff off.

What's the big deal? All the girls at school wear lipstick.

Good. You be the only one that ain't pregnant. Now scrub it off.

Your fair self.

All you young girls today,

walking around with y'all popping hot ass!

And all that Fahrenheit!

More mindlessness.

Makeup at 14?

Oh, I'm telling you, America.

See, raising kids is like playing chess.

You gotta counter every idiotic move they make.

'Cause what is parenting anyway?

I tell you what it is.

See, it's keeping your kids' ignorance in check.

It's really very simple.

Considering they never formulate anything more

than a basic attack, anyway.

Watch this.

What's on your mind, baby girl?

I want another Nit Wit doll.

-Well, what's your opening move? -Hmm…

I want it!

Dazzling, huh? [chuckles]

No!

Check.

Dig it.

-Take your best shot, Nessa. -[sighs]

I don't see why I can't wear makeup.

You want me to act like an adult, but you won't treat me like one,

and it's not fair.

"It's not fair."

Pathetic effort.

Real basic stuff.

A simple counter should do it.

Nessa, no self-respecting 14-year-old girl need to be covered up with makeup

to go to English class.

Well, Jennifer Wang wears makeup, and she's class valedictorian.

Well, I tell you what, gorgeous.

When you become valedictorian and head of your class,

then you can wear makeup.

Check.

America, it's really too easy. See, these kids don't realize

they playing with the grand master.

You heard of Big Blue?

Well, Bernie Mac is Big Black.

Now, Jordan, your turn.

Good news travel fast.

But where is that boy?

Is this supposed to be me?

You wouldn't buy me a paintball gun, so I made one myself. See?

[inhales]

[retching and coughing]

Well, Jordan, you proved my case.

But paintball's fun.

I see.

[retching]

Check they ignorance, America.

[scoffs] Check they ignorance.

Check.

There you are, baby girl.

I bought you something from the toy store.

-Is it a Nit Wit doll? -No, ma'am.

Something better than a Nit Wit doll.

A Nit Wit camper?

Nope. It's Professor Hoo.

And you know what else?

It's fun, and it's smart.

And I got a surprise for you, look.

Hello, baby girl.

He knows me!

He sure does. He's going to teach you

-how to spell, do your math. -Yay!

Hey, son, how you feeling? You feel better?

-My poops are still blue. -Shoot.

You're lucky they didn't have to pump your stomach.

I just wanted to play a war game.

Son, that's why I'm trying to teach you chess.

It's the greatest war game ever played.

Really?

Why you think kings play it?

Kings play it?

Come here, boy.

Not just kings, it's a Mac family tradition.

My Uncle Allistar taught me, and his father taught him.

Uncle Allistar taught you?

Sure did. That's why I'm gonna teach you.

Can I be the horses?

This ain't Monopoly… Hey-hey-hey.

That's two down.

You see? I just change my play to fit the boy's personality.

Yeah, it's true.

My man Jordan like guns. He like killer stuff.

But deep down inside, he's a sweet little normal kid.

That's right.

Who likes to do things with his uncle.

In fact, I hope he don't cry when I beat him.

Now Nessa… she requires a different approach.

[Wanda] Here we come!

[mutters]

Good Lord. What'd you use, a whole doggone thing on her?

Honey, this is the same amount of makeup I wear.

And I think I look good.

All right, listen.

You and I make a deal.

You bring that "C" in algebra up to a "B--"

And I can wear anything I want?

No. You can wear a little cheek stuff

and maybe some petroleum jelly on your lips.

No stick. Clear?

Well, what if I get straight "A"s?

[stammering] If you get straight "A"s, then…

you can dress yourself up like a rodeo clown, all I care.

Get a "B."

See? Nessa just needed a little opportunity to prove me wrong.

And I hope she does.

And if I keep it up,

she'll probably get into Harvard. Wouldn't that be good?

See, America? It's like I said. It's all about chess.

I got each and every one of those kids right where I want 'em.

America, a little strategy go a long way.

♪ You better think ♪

♪ Think ♪

♪ Think about what you're Trying to do to me ♪

♪ Think ♪

♪ Think, think ♪

♪ Let your mind go Let yourself be free ♪

♪ Let's go back Let's go back ♪

♪ Let's go way On back when ♪

♪ I didn't even Know you ♪

Wait-wait. Hol-Hold.

Jordan, Jordan, come on, come on.

Why did you do that?

-I don't know. -Remember, Jordan,

it's not just the pieces itself, this is just a tool.

But you playing the man on the other side of the board,

and understanding his nature is how you become a great chess player.

You understand?

Good.

Now, son… try it again.

But this time…

[mouthing]

♪ Freedom ♪

♪ Freedom ♪

[Bernie Mac] Hey, hey, hey.

Remember what I told you now.

The key to the chess is always thinking ahead, Jordan.

Now, once you're able to do that, son, you got it.

Uncle Bernie? Yeah, baby?

I don't understand money.

Well, that's all right. A lot of women got that problem.

[Professor Hoo] How many $1 bills are in a $5 bill?

Oh.

Hold on, let me show you somethin'.

All right, now, look, pay attention.

Sweetheart, this a $5 bill. See that? Five.

And these are five singles.

Their value is worth $5.

One, two, three, four, five.

-You understand? Good. -I think so.

-Uncle Bernie? -Hmm?

Can I practice with those?

Sure, baby girl. You practice your money. Make your uncle proud.

Now, I don't want to say she's slow, America,

but she's not even bright enough to realize she's learning something.

And she like talking to that owl so much,

she's forgotten about the Nit Wit doll. Sure enough.

[chuckling, mumbling]

[Bernie Mac] Baby, you bought baby girl another Nit Wit?

I didn't. I just took her to the store. She saved her own money.

How she save her own money? She's six. She ain't got no money.

What'd she do, liquidate her portfolio?

Baby girl, where'd you get the money to buy this doll?

[Professor Hoo] You!

Me?

That little skunk.

I didn't get over on her, America.

She got over on me.

Taking my money to buy that little ugly rag.

But at least I still have Jordan and Nessa under my control.

Do you know that Nessa was getting up an hour early

to go to study group before school?

See this book report?

She was in such a rush to go study, she forgot it.

I better go run it over to her.

America…

I think I'm proud of her.

[groans softly] I don't know if this is my color.

I mean, I think I need something a little bit darker.

Not to make too big of a statement,

but just something that says--

[Bernie Mac] Nessa.

You forgot your book report, baby.

I can't believe you betrayed my doggone trust

because you want some rosy cheeks.

I can't believe that.

But you did. Okay, fine.

Now you want rosy cheeks, you're going to get it,

to the point where you can't sit down.

Go on and get in your room. Get out of my face.

Give y'all everything, you still ain't satisfied.

At least I still have the boy, America.

He won't let me down.

That's my boy.

[clock ticking]

-Figure out your next move? -Maybe.

Oh-oh-oh.

Cocky, huh?

Yeah, I like that.

It's nice, real nice.

Bust a move.

Sha-boom.

Sha-bang.

Mate.

Mate?

What you mean, "mate"? That ain't no mate.

Doggone, Jordan, it is.

That's a mate, Jordan, look at you.

Good move, son. I'm proud of you.

You used your head on that one, good move.

Thanks, Uncle Bernie, that was fun.

Maybe we could do other stuff together.

I don't mind. Like what?

Like paintball.

Yeah, you could buy us guns, and we could play together.

I see.

So this what it's all about, right, Jordan?

You never was interested in no doggone chess.

You're just buttering me up so I can buy you a gun, huh?

Kind of.

I hate my Uncle Bernie.

Why?

He made me learn chess for nothing.

He won't buy me a paintball gun.

So just take mine.

What will you use?

I'll just get another one.

Your parents'll do that?

My dad ran off with his hygienist.

My mom buys me anything I want.

You're so lucky.

[Bernie Mac humming]

What y'all happy about?

Nothing. I'm just in a good mood.

Yeah, okay.

Hey, hey, hey, baby girl, hey. Come here, come here.

What's up?

Can I play paintball, too?

What's up with y'all and this paintball stuff?

Jordan got a new paintball gun and hid it under my bed.

What?

Let me see this, baby.

I hope you gave up something real nice for this,

'cause you ain't never gonna play with it.

The only way you're gonna play with this paintball gun is with me,

and that ain't never gonna happen.

Stupid Uncle Bernie.

I've been saying that since we got here.

I mean, how does he always catch us?

It's like he's always two steps ahead.

Yeah, it's like he's using our nature, like in chess.

Like in chess.

I've got an idea.

He said the only way I'm going to play paintball

is if he's playing it with me.

And that's exactly what he's going to do.

How are you going to get him to do that?

I'm going to use his nature.

And I'm going to cover him in paint.

You in?

Yeah, but you know he's going to beat our butts.

Probably, but it could be worth it.

I'm going to start by using that little tattletale.

Uncle Bernie's making me return my Nit Wit doll.

Serves you right for getting me in trouble.

I'm sorry.

Doesn't matter, 'cause I'm still playing paintball

as soon as you guys leave the house.

Really?

Yeah, but you can't tell Uncle Bernie.

You already got me in trouble once.

I won't, I promise.

[Bernie Mac] Come on, baby girl.

That's right.

And in case you get any bright ideas,

I'm taking this with me.

[door opens]

[door closes]

You can pout all you want to, B.

That'll teach you to try to play your Uncle Bernie.

I don't know why you three kids won't wise up.

And I tell you something else,

you ain't gonna be half as mad as your brother going to be.

Come on, get in there.

He's not mad, he's playing paintball.

[gasps] Oops.

What you mean, "oops"?

Brother ain't playing no paintball.

That's what he said.

How he gonna be playing paintball when I got his gun right here? Look at…

You know something? You kids are something else.

Where your brother at?

Where your brother at, baby girl?

But I promised.

I don't care. Where your brother at?

At the empty lot.

Yeah, I figured. That's where we going.

In fact, that's where y'all gonna be living, at the empty lot.

I'm sending y'all back to the state.

Hope they feed y'all apple sauce with graham crackers.

♪ You better think ♪

♪ Think ♪

♪ Think about what you're Trying to do to me ♪

♪ Think ♪

♪ Think, think ♪

[guns firing]

Jordan!

-Jor-- -Hey that's mine.

-[gun firing] -Ow, ow, ow.

-Jordan! -[gun firing]

I see you, Jordan.

Come on.

Let's go, we're going home.

-[Jordan] No! -Who you talking to, son?

I said let's go and I mean now.

All right.

Can I at least keep the flag?

Jordan, you're not keeping nothing. Let's go and I mean now.

-But Uncle Bernie-- -What?

He's got the flag!

[gun firing]

Uncle Bernie, use the gun!

Yeah, you I ain't?

Gimme that, gimme that.

[guns firing]

♪ Hey, about it Think about it ♪

♪ There ain't nothing You could ask ♪

♪ I could answer you But I won't ♪

♪ I was gonna change But I'm not ♪

♪ To keep doing Things I don't ♪

♪ You better think ♪

♪ Think ♪

You're playing paintball.

Yeah, I know. Tell them to stop.

I can't.

We're not on the same team.

You think I don't know that?

Checkmate!

"Checkmate"? What's that mean?

I told Bryana not to tell you,

but I knew she would, 'cause that's her nature.

And I knew you'd try to come and stop me,

because that's your nature.

But I tricked you into playing paintball, because that's my nature.

Yeah, okay, nature.

I don't know what you're cackling for, son,

'cause I got you dead in my sight.

[guns firing]

[Vanessa] And I got you in mine.

Nessa?

How do you like my makeup?

You want some more makeup?

[clicking]

Come on, Ness. Come on, come on, come on.

-Come on… hey. -[Jordan cackling evilly]

Don't do it.

Don't… don't… don't do it.

Catch, Uncle Bernie.

Fire in the hole!

[explosion]

Can you believe that, America?

The whole time I was playing chess with those kids,

one was playing back.

And all because I wanted to expand their mind.

America, don't do it.

See, because they're already smart enough.

Because if you do, you might end up like me.

Did you know there was something called a "paintzooka"?

Look at this.

Well, there is, and it's very accurate, too.

But I got news for you, America.

I know you're all against it, but I got whoop both of their asses.

That's right.

Oh, that smart boy probably already figured it out,

but I'm gonna do it anyway.

People with glasses, they always something.

Had a guy I knew name Jonathan Sale.

He had bifocals.

You know, he can do the whole encyclopedia.

Backwards.

Old wiz, yeah.

Is it coming off?

They said it don't.

[woman] This is your knight.

I'm sorry.

Look, son, this is your knight.

It's the defender of the realm.

It protects and it guards, okay?

You're not just got… trying to find out… understand…

You stupid…

[woman laughing]

Let him chew on it for a while. He'll get it. [laughs]