Original subtitles

[opening theme music playing]

America, let's talk.

Now, Bernie Mac knows it's been a while

since he said he's gonna kill those kids.

And over the past two years, I've had reason and opportunity,

but I've also learned what every parent and every good husband knows.

That you just got to let things go.

You don't hold it in, America.

You let it go.

[plate shattering]

I don't hear anybody crying, America, so I'm letting it go.

[Jordan] Ow! Ow!

Probably just overreacting, America.

No blood, no harm, so I'm letting it go.

[Jordan] Ow! I'm bleeding! Ow!

All right, America, I'm going to handle this calmly,

then I'm going to let it go.

Jordan? You better not be getting no blood on my dishrag!

The boy bleeds like a white boxer.

Thank you.

Look, Uncle Bernie, they have Nit Wit dolls over there.

Can I go get one?

[kids coughing]

Uh-uh, uh-uh, look, uh, baby girl,

see that line?

Those sick people on that side.

You don't want to go over there. See, you're just here for a checkup.

That's a Sick Wit doll.

Here… look at this Home Decor. You read that.

Look, Uncle Bernie, it's Chris Rock!

Hey-hey, Rock.

Hey, Bernie Mac!

You know Chris Rock?

Yeah, I know him.

Mac, man, it's been a long time.

-Has it? -Yeah, look at you. You got two kids now.

Yeah, well, I mean, yeah, they're my sister kids, though.

Oh, those the crack babies.

I thought that was just part of your act.

Hey, what's up, Cracky? [laughs]

Remember, now, crack is whack.

So, who you here to see? Dr. Fisher or Dr. Cohart?

Well, we here to see Dr. Cohart.

This brother here, he's a biter. See the beaver teeth?

They cut through metal.

The last time I brought him here,

Dr. Cohart gave him a shot, he bit Dr. Cohart,

and Dr. Cohart had to shoot hisself.

[laughing]

Give himself a shot. That's crazy.

Excuse me, Mr. Rock?

Dr. Cohart will see you now…

-Take care, Mac. -Yeah.

Uh, I'm sorry, ma'am. We was here first.

How he go in front of us?

-[giggling] He's Chris Rock. -Ain't that a…

Chris Rock.

[kids coughing]

Hey, baby girl, come from over there.

Come here.

Damn that Chris Rock!

How's he just gonna walk in and steal my place in line?

And who the hell is that nurse?

[high-pitched] "Oh, he can go ahead. He's Chris Rock."

Ha. That's not the only thing he stole of mine.

But I'm not going to go into it right now.

I'm just going to let it go.

But I tell you this much, America.

We're both comedians, and we both do jokes.

Now, y'all figure it out.

[Bryana] Uncle Bernie, I can't see.

This is conjunctivitis.

This is easy to spread,

so we have to wipe down everything she touches.

Uncle Bernie, I have a pink eye.

-Don't touch me right now, okay? -Bernie…

No, no, baby, I got a poker game tonight.

You know, plus, look at that.

I ain't never seen nothing looked that doggone nasty in my life.

Well, you were the one watching her.

It's Chris Rock fault. He distracted me

with that coming back into my life routine.

If he hadn't, she wouldn't be going blind.

-I'm blind? -Not yet. No…

Baby girl, don't touch…

I don't, I don't mean it like that, but don't touch me.

[Jerry] Hey-hey-hey.

I took a chance you'd be at home and look at this.

-Come on, you want to play? Sit in. -No, I'm working for you.

-Yeah. -You know how I sometimes like to do it?

-Well, I got a surprise for you. -Whatcha got?

He's only one of the biggest stars in Hollywood. Come on in, Chris.

Ah, come on, Jerry, you didn't have to say all of that.

You ain't tell us Chris Rock was swinging by, man!

What's up? I'm Kelly, man.

Big fan, man, big fan!

What's up, man? W.B., man.

You know, you don't look that skinny on TV, player.

Hey, man, I loved you in The Green Mile.

-[laughter] -The Green Mile!

What's up, man? Chuy, man.

-I love Pootie Tang! -Oh, so, you the one that saw it, huh?

My mother didn't see that one.

[laughing] Oh, he quick!

He quick, man, he quick!

Hey, uh, well, why don't y'all deal him in if you want to play, man?

I'll get some cold beer for everybody.

Jer, meet me in the kitchen, help me with the beers?

-What's up? -Come here, man.

Jerry, what the hell you doing bringing Chris into my house, man?

What? Bernie, we were talking.

Your name came up, he said you were brilliant, I agreed.

Then I told him about the poker game, and here we are, cool kickin' it.

Man, me and Chris…

Are going to be co-hosting the Urban Image Awards together.

And you know what? Don't thank me.

-What? -Oh yeah, the UIAs.

Oh, Bernie, it's a hot new awards show.

It's very noble. What they do is they give props to a lot of little poor kids

who rise above their surroundings.

[guys laughing]

[Kelly] Oh, man, you funny, man!

I'm a big fan, man, big fan!

Jerry, you had no right.

You should have checked with me first.

Come on. I'm telling you, this is very important.

You want to do this.

We're gonna get a Tonight Show spot out of this.

[laughing] Oh! Oh, you funny, man! Brilliant.

Oh, man, you missed it, man.

Funniest stuff I ever heard in my life.

He was talking about when he was at the clinic earlier today, right?

And how his kid's got these nasty little beaver teeth.

Little Beaver teeth?

-Cut right through metal. -Cut through metal.

And-and-and the doctor gave his kid a shot.

And Dr. Cohart gave him a shot?

And the kid bit him,

and then the doctor had to give himself a shot!

He bit Dr. Cohart, and Dr. Cohart had to shoot hisself.

Genius!

I don't know where you come up with this stuff, man.

Oh, yeah, he know where he come up with it.

He get it from me.

What are you talking about?

Chris, you know damn well what I mean, man.

Was at the doctor's office earlier, man. All that stuff I was saying.

Yeah, we had a few laughs at the doctor's office,

but I don't remember who said what. I wasn't counting, you know?

No, no, you never do.

That's funny, you never do remember nothing,

but I guess a leopard don't change his spots, huh, skunk?

Spots? Skunk? Skunks don't have spots.

Wh… Okay, what are you trying to say?

Bernie, you need to relax, okay?

Get out of my house, Chris.

All right. So it's like that, all right? I'm out.

Yeah, that's my line, too.

Is this your walk?

Want me to give it back?

Best move on, Chris.

Uh…

Am… am I missing the joke?

You know something?

You're making my job very hard, okay?

I mean, this is…

so un-dope.

Yeah, earn your keep.

I… I… I thought he was funny.

Yeah, I know you did.

Wipe your mouth off.

-What's that? -Ass.

[laughter]

Now… Now, that's funny.

Okay, Bern, everybody's gone.

Want to tell me what that was all about?

Yeah, I'll tell you what it's all about.

It's about that doggone Chris Rock. He's a joke thief.

[chuckles]

You… You're joking, right?

Look like I'm joking, Jerry?

I'm serious.

It happened a long time ago.

It was at Mr. Laugh.

I remember it like it was yesterday,

and that thieving son of a…

Hey, Chris, there's too much weave in here for me.

Loot at this, got so much horsehair in her doggone hair

I could still see the jockey boot where he be kicking upside the head.

Ah, you funny, man.

Okay, ladies and gentlemen, put your hands together for Chris Rock!

Go on and get it, man. Tear it down, man. I'm behind you, man.

Whatever you leave, I'll pick up. [chuckling]

All right! Hey!

Boy, sure is a lot of hair weaves in here tonight.

[laughter]

[laughing]

Boy, you got so much horsehair in your weave,

I can see the mark on the side of your head

where the jockey was kicking you.

Jockey was kicking you!

-[chuckling] -[crowd laughing]

I don't know what you're doing with that drink.

You need some oats.

[laughing]

Man, Rock is hilarious.

I don't know how he comes up with stuff like that.

He doesn't.

Okay, just wait a second. So, let me just get this straight.

You want me to take you out of the award show?

Right.

Right. 'Cause I'm your manager, so whatever you want, it's done.

-Cool. Pull me. -Pull?

Good, you're out.

-Thank you. -Yup, no problem here.

I mean, we're not even going to worry about the backlash.

-The backlash? -Yeah, look, Bernie,

no offense, but your peeps, they can be very particular.

-My peeps? -I mean, look, as you well know,

they can be a very fickle crowd.

Do you remember how they booed Whitney?

And I… I'm just worried that if you're not there,

people might take that the wrong way and turn against you.

Ain't nobody gonna turn against me.

And I ain't got nothing to do with Whitney.

No, no, no, no, of course not.

So, you know what we're gonna do?

we're just going to keep this on the down-low,

and your peeps won't even worry about it.

I can't understand you no more. "The peeps" and "down-low."

Man, talk to me like a white man.

It is bad PR for you if you do not do it.

Why didn't you just say that, Jerry?

-All right, then, I'll do it. -Good. Peace out.

Do you feel better?

-Mm-hmm. -Good.

She gets to miss another day of school?

Uh, yes, Jordan. Her pinkeye is still contagious.

I have the eyesight of a mole, and you make me go to school every day.

That's right, so you better get a move on, Mr. Mole.

And I'll get you a washcloth and clean out your sleepy little peepers.

It looks gross, but does it hurt?

-No. -Not even when you pee?

Uh-uh.

But do they have to give you bad medicine and shots?

No. 'Junctivitis is fun.

Wow, I got to get me some of that.

Uh, Jordan, don't touch your sister!

You're not even supposed to be in here. Get out of here.

Now, go before you catch it, too.

[frustrated growl]

I was thinking about doing some father material tonight.

Now, I hope that's okay, or did you write all the father jokes?

Oh, come on, Chris, you know it's okay, man.

I never make fun of your daddy.

Last time I saw your pappy,

he was fighting a alley cat for a piece of fish.

You know he won. He was always good people.

Yeah, your daddy's so black,

lightning bugs follow him in the daytime.

True that, true that. We all dark people.

How your sister doing? I heard she made a million dollars, man.

She charged a dollar a head at the Million Man March.

Well, your sister was there going--

[phone ringing]

-What'd my sister say? -Hold up.

Hello. Hey, what's up, Marty?

Yeah, I'd love to. Well, send the script tomorrow.

I'll read it.

-[whispers] It's Scorsese. -Yeah, Scorsese…

All right, I'll talk to you.

I might play De Niro's partner.

-Oh, yeah. -Oh, yeah. It's on, it's on.

Yeah, okay, okay, hold on.

Hello, hello, Shaq?

Big fella, what's g'wan?

We still on tonight?

Seven o'clock at the Palm.

Sure you're right.

Hang up.

Me and the big fella breaking bread.

[phone dialing]

Hey, what's up, Shaq?

This is Rock.

Yeah, I'm only in town for one night.

Well, let's have some dinner.

Oh, you got plans.

[chuckling] Okay.

All right, well, let's do it next time. Peace out.

I told you. Ain't no…

-Hold on, hold on. -[phone ringing]

Hello?

Shaq. Big fella.

What's… What, your mama sick?

Yeah. Yeah. All right, I understand.

His mama sick.

-[phone ringing] -Hold on a second.

Hey. Hey, what's up, Shaq?

Oh, you can do it now?

Good, good, good.

Yeah. I'll see you at the Palm at 8:00.

Cool.

First he steal my joke, now he stealing the big man!

Scorsese movies!

Hell.

I mean, not you, Mr. Scorsese.

I mean, feel free to call me anytime you want, okay?

I do movies. I worked with Soderbergh.

[upbeat music playing]

What are you doing with this?

Give it back! It's mine!

Uncle Bernie's right.

You are soft.

[moaning]

Oh, no.

I don't believe it.

How did you get pinkeye? You barely even touched that pillow.

What are you talking about?

You are so lucky. You got the pink gold.

Now you don't have to go to school.

You did this on purpose.

You were trying to get pinkeye.

Aunt Wanda!

No, please, don't, no.

Aunt Wanda!

I'll do anything you want. Anything.

Anything?

Anything.

Okay…

You want the pink gold?

It's going to cost you.

How much?

Everything.

Now, go make me some pudding.

And not the instant kind.

Ugh.

I'll admit it, the whole Shaq thing, that was whack.

That was absolutely whack, okay? I am down…

I am down with not being up with that,

but you got to squash this thing.

How 'bout I squash him like a damn tick?

Remember what's important here.

You're right. My peeps.

No, The Tonight Show. My peeps.

-What? -You got to be the bigger man.

Why I always got to be the damn bigger man all the time, Jerry?

Chris Rock, he the one started it. He stole my joke.

I don't want to be the bigger man. I want to be the petty low man.

-Are you hearing yourself right now? -Yeah, big man hear real good, real fine.

Talk to him, big man.

Chris, you and I need to talk, man.

You need to make some more phone calls?

I'm for real, Chris. We need to talk.

You know what, Bernie, it's about time. What's wrong?

Ten years ago, you stole my hair weave joke.

Bernie, why would I steal a weave joke?

I can't understand it either.

Okay, we were hanging out.

We all did the same type of material

and, you know what, if I did, it wasn't intentional.

Bernie, I studied your act.

It was like the Bible to me.

Yeah, it's possible that something just got stuck in my mind.

It's possible? [scoffs]

America, it's possible that Elvis is still alive.

And it's also possible that Michael Jackson ain't crazy.

And it's possible that Chuy really did see Pootie Tang.

Actually, that is possible.

I looked up to you, man.

And when you cut me off like that, it really hurt.

It did?

Bernie, you were like a mentor to me.

You showed me the ropes, you took me around.

And then you just cut me off, cold.

Over a weave joke?

Oh, my God.

America, I just realized something.

That he was just influenced by my genius.

Stealing, they say, is the highest form of flattery.

And maybe Bernie Mac should be flattered.

Mentor?

Maybe I was.

It's possible, America.

It's highly possible.

This is deli mustard and I asked for Dijon.

No, you didn't.

Eye "pink" I did.

Now where's my pickle?

And here you go.

Cool, I'm going to have mad stupid puss.

Okay, when we come back, two of the funniest guys around.

Chris Rock and Bernie Mac, right after this.

-Bernie. -Hmm?

We made it.

You and I, we made it.

Tonight Show, doing big concerts…

This is great, man.

Well, one thing's for damn sure, little brother. You made it.

Chris, you've got Grammys and Emmys and movies, man.

I'm going to tell you, I'm proud of you, man.

But you know what? That's not important.

You know what's important?

-What? -Friendship.

You and I are friends.

You know, I can't believe I'm in a position

to just throw you a bone like this.

Throw me a bone?

What you mean by that, Chris?

Getting you this gig is my way of saying thank you, Bernie.

I'm throwing you a bone, man. Come on, eat your bone, Bernie.

Throw me a bone?

Give me some pity job?

Bernie Mac don't need no bone.

Okay, we'll see.

You want to throw me some bones?

Fine, fine.

When I'm done with him,

ain't going to be nothing left but a pile of bones.

I'm the Mac.

Welcome back, folks.

If you appreciate comedy, you know my guests.

Please welcome Chris Rock and Bernie Mac.

[cheering]

Welcome, gentleman.

What's up, man?

Good to see you. Have a seat.

Now.

Now I know you guys are cohosting the…

what is it, the Urban Image Awards which is Ebonics for "no white people".

-Is that what that means? -[laughs] Something like that.

What is that all about?

It's a bunch of brothers who just got out of the penitentiary.

Change their lives.

And we're going to try to do a little something. Right, Chris?

-Yeah, it's about a-- -I'll handle this, Chris.

I've been giving back to the community for a long, long time.

You know that. I've been a mentor to a lot of young kids,

not just Black.

Uh, but I was a mentor to Chris.

-Really? -Oh, shoot, yeah, man. [laughs]

So he got a lot of what he does from you.

Got a lot?

I mean, Jay. A lot of people think Chris here is me, you know?

-Really? Wow. -You know, back in the day,

Chris used to come to the comedy clubs,

he always used to tell those stupid jokes.

You know, he was so skinny, I mean, looking at him naked

was like looking at his X-rays, you know what I mean?

Yeah, yeah.

And his family was so damn poor, they used to put cereal on layaway.

-Really? -[laughing]

Whoo-hoo!

So, Chris, you based a lot of your humor on Bernie, is that right?

I can't make fun of Bernie Mac here.

Bernie Mac's from a very smart family.

His aunt was the first million dollar prostitute.

Really?

Yes.

Want to know how she made a million dollars?

She charged a dollar a head at the Million Man March.

-[laughter] -That was his aunt.

Chris, that is great stuff.

I don't know where you get it.

America, y'all know.

From me.

Shoot!

Don't touch, don't touch, don't touch.

Oh, great, the one disease I can't get.

God, why have you forsaken me?

Wait a minute.

Wait…

I think so.

I think I got it.

Thank you, Lord!

-Jordan? What's going on? -Oh, nothing.

Oh, no. You, too?

Oh, it's okay. I don't mind.

Now you're going to miss your school's air fair.

You don't mind that your classmates

are going to ride in the helicopter without you?

-Air fair? -Mm-hmm.

Helicopter?

This week?

Sorry, sweetie. I'll go get the medicine.

You don't touch nothing.

You give with one hand and you take with the other.

All right, Chris, how we going to leave this, man?

Bernie, I didn't take your material, okay?

I admire you, man. I've been admiring you for a long time

and every now and then, you know what? I'm going to sound like you.

But just consider it a compliment.

I look up to you, man.

Hey, there was times you sounded like Redd.

There was times you sounded like Bill.

There was times you sounded like Richard.

I remember one time you sounded like Roseanne.

Hey, man, I look up to you.

Consider it a compliment.

Yeah, but you stole my material tonight.

Yeah, I stole your joke tonight.

'Cause of the way you was acting. I wanted to smack you with a brick.

You're right.

Man, we're family.

We family, man.

Thinking of family, you better come on and say good night to the kids.

-They think you're funnier than me. -[laughs] Those some smart kids.

Hey, I love you, man.

Love you, too, man.

Jordan'll be doing your voice, all your material and stuff.

Plus Wanda cooked, you hungry?

I think we'll have some pinkeye samon.

[announcer] …and your cohosts, Chris Rock and Bernie Mac.

Bernie, my eye is killing me, man.

I can't read this teleprompter.

You think you could help me out?

Don't worry, baby.

I got the jokes.

You lead.

I know that was a little petty, America.

But, hey, he threw me a bone, I had to give a little back.

Oh, come on, don't look at me like that.

Just let it go, America.

Just let it go.

I had to give a little back.

Oh, come on, don't look at me like that.

Just let it go, America.

Just let it go.

Oh, if Chris was a little taller, it wouldn't be no thing.

'Cause if you're a little man picking on the big man

that's what you always say.

"Poor little man. Big man picking on the little man."

But, see, big man can't win.

See, if a big man beat on a little man, "Poor thing."

If a little man beat him,

"Why you let that little man whup your ass?"

Pop go the weasel until the weasel go pop.